Bill rambles about booze, balding, and racism.
Monday Morning Podcast
Monday Morning Podcast 1-24-11
Good morning. What's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday January 24th 2011 how the hell are you how you doing? Did you have a good week? Was the world nice to you This is a big day for me everybody. This is my 100th day And when I said I was knocking off the booze because I was starting to have a big bloated face I was like fuck this. I got a I got a you know got to get on the treadmill I got to knock off the booze And I was trying to beat my previous record of going 75 days and this time I said fuck it I'm going for an even hundred and The goal has been achieved I'm psyched I did it and tonight. I'm going to the Bruins LA Kings game down at the stable fenna the most unfriendly fan fucking place you'll ever go to it's the haves The really haves and the have-nots I've broken it down for you before you got all the corporate seats down low sitting next Diane Cannon Jack Nicholson and fucking Sissy Spacek Whoever the fuck else is down there all those douchebags sitting there with their fucking faces yanked back you know By the way, how long is Jack Nicholson been going bald for it's just fucking unbelievable how long it took for that guy to go bald He lost one hair a day since 1972 Something you ever notice that there's certain people it just takes for fucking ever unless they seamlessly went into a two-pay But he's bald now But you know being someone who's balding myself, you know I pay attention to that type of shit and I pay attention attention all these motherfuckers I see the receding hairline and all of a sudden it's not there the next movie. I was like there you go Look at that guy. He went out and he got himself sort of scalped in a user-friendly way and then they receded the front I going out like that my goal in life. I want to look like Clint Howard It's not gonna end good for me Yes, I went a hundred days 100 days When a hundred days and Yes, and I don't know I'm afraid I'm scared everyone. I'm afraid to start drinking again Because I noticed that I I just pick up where I left off like I really learned about addiction During these last hundred days. I realized how much shit I was You know not addicted to to a level that it was like, you know, I was coming home and slapping my girl around You know Getting on all fours growling at my dog as I peed on the stereo and then the next morning like I didn't do it I don't remember that Well, maybe I wouldn't drink if you watch such a cunt, you know, I wasn't doing stuff like that. I Was just out having a good fucking time. I like beer the way I like cake and cookies There's really no reason There's no reason to have cake or cookies. There's no nourishment that your body needs You don't need that much fucking sugar, but I like it. I like the fucking rush You know You're sitting there feeling gloomy. I hate myself. What am I doing? Remember when I was young and I just go out and play frisbee And it was fun, man. It was simple right You get older. You got all this debt. You got all those bullshit. Everybody's fucking nagging you You get the blues so you go out. You get a slice of cake, right? Feeling like shit six bites of cake later. You're like dude. I am fucking awesome Right you got that sugar rush going So that's what I realized I am I have a number of addictions I am addicted to sugar not like a you know I need an intervention, but like I fucking crave it But if I lay off it for four days when if I don't eat any sweets for four fucking days When I look at a donut or a piece of cake, it's like laughable like why the fuck would you eat that? Look at it. Yeah It doesn't even look like real food You know when you're off when you're fucking when you've kicked sugar when you look at a glazed donut Just sitting there all fucking sweaty It just it looks horrible. It's like why would you do that to you see you know you look at all the frosting on a cake You you make that face like you just sucked on a lemon like Jesus Christ Enough already that fucking cut downstairs. Just slam the door cuz I'm being too loud. I don't care Doosh bag. I fucking love old people, but I hate that motherfucker downstairs. I fucking hate that guy Hate that he's got that classic old person smell. He does it. He has a unique smell. You know what he's not he smells like a like a fucking If you lit a wet dog on fire, okay, if you did that, that's what he smells like fucking miserable motherfucker There's goddamn dockers The original dockers fucking army Navy store shop and douchebag fucking miserable cunt Giving me the stink guy every time I walk up the fucking walk. I can't stand the guy fucking hate him there I hate him. I'll give a shit. All right. I die. I'll fucking you know I'll argue that one In the afterlife. I'll sit right there. You know you drank a drove. Yes. I did guilty is charged You treat a lot of women like shit. You're absolutely right guilty is charged And you had a you had a poor opinion About the old man downstairs. Well, let me tell you something Jesus. You try living above that fucking cunt go talk to your dad He made him Oh my god. I've shut up you fucking hippie. Oh Gee, so anyways So tonight I am going to I'm gonna go watch the best of the of the Of the four sports the four major sports hockey is the best goddamn sport out there All right, and I know a lot of you won't realize that because you never played it You never went to a game Hence, you don't know what you're talking about, you know, it'd be like me Making fun of line dancing. I've never done it You know, I've never gone out and bought a pair of Wrangler jeans that were fucking eight dollars and nine sizes too small for me so they cupped my fucking bowls and Got out there and stuck my hands in my pockets and did this little fucking that little oh my god that fucking line dancing Can there be a mass suicide amongst line dancers could that just fucking happen in the middle of one of your fucking cornball? Stupid ass fucking so country music It's country music is I don't even know what it's for. It's for like pod people There's absolutely no soul in it whatsoever. There isn't All right there angry redneck listening to this punching the dashboard of your Chevy S10 All right, there isn't it fucking sucks and that line dancing we sit there with your fucking thumbs In your book and pocket and you do that little I'm doing. I'm actually I'm in Dallas, Texas this week So let's let's go for big air on this one. We do that thing you fucking I Wish I wish this was a vodcast Which I'm not doing by the way, so stop fucking asking me the great thing about this thing is you can listen to it while you're doing other shit, right? Are you or are you not doing other shit right now? Well, all right then are you or are you not pretending to be working right now looking at spreadsheets? right You want to fucking plane? Huh? What are your choices for food? Aren't you doing that as you listen to this when they quit your fucking bitchin? All right, so anyways, they do that stupid thing where they bend their fucking knees and And I can't even think of the fucking music. Okay. Go get go get go get go get go get go right There's none other music goes and then they do that little thing where they're just one of their one of their feet All right, they're right foot. We'll say the right foot. It's just pivoting on the heel and The toes are face-forward and then to the side and then back to the front ah Then they do that little thing where they bring their fucking foot up and they spank the bottom of their foot all of them You know what kills me about those people as they actually think that Jesus loves him I Got news for you rednecks. Jesus is looking the other way. He's embarrassed He's combing his fucking hair into his face when he watches you people line dance He is looking like that chick in the ring Yeah, so speaking of which I'm gonna be I completely forgot what the fuck I was talking about. I know yeah I'm going to Go into the hockey game tonight LA Kings versus the Boston Bruins the LA Kings which who actually have a really good team. I like that dude Simmons fucking fastest health and Cobra attack What it's the greatest fucking game and I've actually been playing hockey recently ice hockey the real fucking deal and I'm excited Guess what I learned how to do this week 42 years of age not married. No kids I learned finally learned how to stop on both sides But you know, it's funny I have I have to go buy some more hockey stuff You know, it's funny out here in LA I have to drive all the way down to like Orange County just to find some place that will sell hockey stuff But I have to even though I suck at the sport I just I'm just an old man and like it takes about four days That's how deep the bruises are after I'm done falling on the ice and like four days after I play I look like I've been beaten With a fucking bamboo cane I had a brutal one when I was in fucking Atlantic City Last weekend doing the Miami heat tour of comedy By the way Atlantic City was so successful. I just got an email today for an offer up in Fox Woods for April 30th So I will let you know as soon as I find out I'm at actually have an update right now. Wouldn't that be amazing right here on the fly as you listen to the Monday morning Oh, it's a fuck. Let's just keep the flow of this podcast going. I think this was good I think it's one's gonna. It's gonna be a good one. We're almost 11 minutes in Things are going well for some reason the Voice seems way too loud on this thing. What's going on with this? Anyways? Yes, I fell on my fucking right ass cheek and hip last time we played before Atlantic City and It's one of those heels. I kept pushing on it going. I can't believe that didn't bruise It's it hurts when I touch it when I push my thumb into my little fucking Right butt cheek it hurts right and then like four days later I'm in Atlantic City, and I'm showering and I looked down and it looked like somebody Through a can of grape soda at me So I will be getting all of the hockey stuff, which I really didn't want to do because I don't want to put it out there that I think I know how to play hockey because I don't I just enjoy it It's fucking fun. It's a fast game the only equipment I wear is I wear a helmet for my big fucking head and I wear the full cage in the front because I Don't need any hockey scars You know with the sticks and all that shit. Why would I do that to myself? You know like I'm gonna win a cup. I need to sacrifice I was speaking in which I should probably wear a cup too, right? No lifting Hang on a second. We're going to the inbox. Did I get anything? Did I get anything? Nothing you motherfucker So anyways, yeah, so this so tonight actually tech technically I can start boozing This is the 100th day, but I got to be honest with you. I'm not gonna do it. I think I'm gonna try to see How long I can go with this? I'm gonna wait till there is and there is a specific event where boozing makes sense and Then I'm gonna knock it off Then I'm gonna booze Maybe what am I what am I gonna do? Honestly? Am I never gonna have a beer for the rest of my life? I Don't know how those people in AA do it. That's like I have a weird sort of like respect for people in AA and I also have a disdain for them Because I went to a couple of AA meetings Not by choice the judge told me I had to go As part of your sentence and I went there and yeah, I didn't like it I Kinda liked it. I liked sort of the remote kind of like the only aspect of church that I like I like going to church because it reminds me not to be a complete piece of shit but other than that all that stuff about hippies walking on water talking to bushes. It just sounds like an acid trip and It's just it's just stupid and there's always a fucking leper How many fucking lepers were there back then? Jesus Christ. You can't tell me you wouldn't have a fucking giant stick Back in the day just for the lepers, you know Jesus Christ said fucking smash him right in there. Get the fuck away from me You fucking leper? What would Jesus do? He has the ability to cure himself. I don't All right Don't you think that that maybe that's why he was such a good shit because he's the son of God He knows he's going to heaven Of course, he's doing the right thing It's it's so fucking easy to be a good shit when you can walk on water and touch something and it gets cured Of course, he's going up and shaking your hand. You fucking freak get away from me. I can't do that You're a leper fuck off Now go cry to the son of God So anyways Yeah, so I would go to these these meetings these meetings and you know I Don't know I I believe in addiction and then other times. I just think I don't think all those people addicts I think some of them. They're just weak. I Can't stop myself. It's like you don't have Like your brain tells your arm to move and pick up something and put it to your lips, right? Did you guys like alcohol? It's you guys become like such an alcoholic like the bottles actually talking to you I don't fucking buy into that shit You know god damn fucking pussy alcoholics All right Go drink a case of beer. I understand it puke it up. All right, and then take you know a week or two off You don't do it every night you know Actually, I'm full of shit. I I 100% believe in that addiction thing and I actually believe I'm actually now I now Understand after watching the biggest loser every season. I Now realize yeah, it is it is an addiction Because every one of those people Has some sort of psychological reason as to why they do it, but wait a minute I'm not fat, but I'm out of my fucking mind Yeah Yeah, so fuck them. All right. All right. Sorry. I had to work that out fuck those fat fucks. Hey fuck them. I Get sad and then I eat 24 cakes What how come nobody gets sad and they do sit-ups? What's the deal we're working at I see some people do and that's one of the last shows they'll do gym addictions You know they'll do something like that because I think they're out of boring jobs to try to make exciting Have you seen that they actually have a show out there right now about people mining for gold? You know, I mean mining for gold obviously they still do it, but it's like big business now They have these sophisticated machines that cut the tops off of mountains And then they grind them down like you did with your number two pencil in second grade trying to get down to the eraser Right Okay, but nobody with a big bushy beard is squatting down like a Chinese gambler next to a fucking river with a goddamn dinner plate Trying to find gold but lo and behold they found ten douchebags who were doing it and They decided to make it a show and they decided to fucking have what film these guys arguing each other and play this Something dangerous is happening music underneath it. I'm sick of it. All right fuck minors fuck people who Make cakes for a living it fuck those goddamn crab fishermen You know nobody is making you go on that goddamn boat Fucking idiots going out there risking your lives of a flounder, you know Just say what you do out loud for a living Just say it out loud a couple of times to yourself. I go on a fucking tugboat Okay, and I I risk my life To get to get King crabs so rich people have something crunchy to eat Go fuck yourself JP Morgan you want crab go get it yourself What do you fucking options actually know something I'm making fun. I actually respect those guys because I have a tremendous Tremendous fear of the ocean Huge fear people who go out and swim in the ocean. You're out of your fucking minds You're out of your fucking minds. I Know I've said this before in the podcast, but you know what I'm gonna say it again. I Don't give a shit I'm edgy. I'm crazy. They should make a show about me and my podcast in the dangers of it You know within me and Nia will have fake arguments You know, we'll have shit like plugs or something will go wrong. You know, I don't know I don't have with with with my Olympus LS 10. I thought you were gonna have it then they'll cut to me you know, so I want to go do the podcast and I Couldn't find the Olympus LS 10, you know, I Mean I got to get this podcast done by Monday. I don't know what the fuck that had You notice that like I think the at Orange County choppers. They basically created the template For all those reality shows and now everybody does that shit the exact same thing that would happen on that fucking motorcycle show With it where the summer be like and then we had a problem the the carburetor didn't fit or the carburetor wasn't here And then the ball like then the dad comes in. You know, I was going on the carburetor isn't here What do you mean? Then he gets on there. So Mikey's fucking scared around. I want you with fucking carburetors How fucking jacked is the dad on that show? He could squeeze my entire family to death if he got excited enough So now they do that shit like it makes sense on the chopper show right bunch of mechanics They're wearing their greasy dickies. They got butt cracks hanging out death. They're gonna yell and scream at each other, right? But the fucking idiots making cakes So we get a job We have to make a cake for the firehouse and I decided to do a cake that was shaped like a fire hydrant I wanted to do a fire hydrant motif with a little Dalmatian, you know peeing on the fire hydrant, but Michael was like I don't think that we should bring urine into something that's gonna be in your mouth. It was typical Michael just shitting on my creative process Kill yourselves. Nobody cares Nobody cares about you and your fucking cakes, and I like cakes Huh you guys didn't know that about me. Did you? Let's see. How will you get 20 minutes in here 20 minutes into the fucking podcast? Should I do it Should I do it? I'm gonna be a class act here my condolences to the Chicago Bear fans and the fans in New York Jets The true fans the true sports fans the ones that don't talk shit the ones who are cool The ones who you you know you can actually have a conversation about football with my condolences go out to you Believe me as a fan of Boston teams for my entire life I know what it feels like to be that fucking close and they get kicked in the seeds again so my condolences congratulations to the Steelers and the Green Bay Packers and I would like to open this dialogue. This is something that bugs me about NFL football is is this I Don't get why in every other fucking major sport They count championships from a hundred years ago Like let's look at the Red Sox They they won the championship in like 1908 or something when they had crazy legs McGee was playing fucking third base with his giant Ebenezer fucking mustache They count those the Red Sox count five World Series titles that we won from 1918 and before Fucking Montreal Canadians they count Stanley cups that they won during that time - all right The Yankees they count all their pre-depression era during the depression or whatever. That's right when they started when they count all of those The fucking Celtics count this from the 60s the fucking Lakers Count their championships Their first two or three it wasn't even the NBA those are BB a championships Their first four out of five championships were one before the 24 second shot clock even existed when you could win a basketball game Like 17 to 12 They count those so my question four spots for sports fans is this Why don't they count NFL championships? Why do they only count Super Bowls? Because when you just count Super Bowls the Pittsburgh Steelers are The Yankees that the Canadians they're the Celtics of football But is bullshit? It's fucking bullshit because the Green Bay Packers have won like 12 or 13 NFL titles and Super Bowls they've won three Super Bowls in like another eight or nine NFL titles that for some reason they don't count The Pittsburgh Steelers were in the NFL when Green Bay was winning all those titles, so they had a shot at winning them You know it's as much as I give the Canadian shit going on you dominated a 16 league Which isn't really true they were going tit-f-tat with the Maple Leafs until 67 But the Bruins were in that original six so we should have dominated and we didn't so That's why I shut the fuck up when it comes to that conversation, so can anybody out there tell me why don't they count NFL titles? Like I don't I don't get that I Don't get that would be if you didn't count that in baseball you would have missed out on Babe Ruth Mickey Mantle Joe DiMaggio none of that none of that would count Bill Russell wouldn't count It's fucked up. I think it's bullshit, and I think it's I think the I think I want to go to what I love sports history I want to go to an Eagles game, and I want to see 1960 NFL champions, and I'm not giving Eagles fans shit I'm just they should have that up there the Cleveland Browns won it in like I don't like 63 or 64 with Jim Brown the Bears won one with Mike Mike Dica, and what's his face there dick Buckus, right? They want it the Green Bay Packers won a few then The Colts with Johnny United's you know the ones that they won the greatest game ever fucking played Yankee Stadium Giants versus the Colts 1958 the overtime fucking victory, right? They don't count any of that shit It's it's disrespectful to the athletes that played those were the best of the best At least white guys For for most of those years, but seriously there was only one professional League So the talent pool was even greater than and they they don't They don't count it, and I think it's fucking bullshit, and I'm hoping That somebody talks about that considering you have the most successful team since the Super Bowl era and then you have playing the most successful team in NFL history they have won in every era except for the 70s and 80s I Guess they didn't want a championship in the 2000s, but they've been competitive Or whatever you know I don't know speaking of which you know do you guys realize that right now Brett Favre? Is getting sued Some of this shit. This is how fucked up the world is right now Brett Favre is getting sued by the by two masseuses Because he tried to get some sort of sexual favors afterwards and they're they're suing for that Do you understand that Let me say that just one more time Brett Favre is getting sued by a masseuse two masseuses. Is that how you said masseuse says mooses Two masseuses for asking basically to you know to bang them at the end of it. They're suing him Can you fucking believe that I just it's fucking this that what you know what that's like that's like me suing a comedy club because I got heckled It comes with the job There is not any masseuse any female masseuse out there that listens to this podcast Are you honestly gonna tell me? that you that you've been rubbing guys backs and their legs and The chest and all that and you've known has ever asked you for a fucking hand job at the end of it It fucking comes with the territory That's like being a cop in suing the city cuz you got shot at All right You fucking put hot oil all over a guy's body and you rub everything, but they're dick I mean give me a fucking break You goddamn cock teases. Yeah, people are gonna ask you to rub one out Okay, and if you had a shred of fucking decency you do it. You'd complete the goddamn job All right, because your sign says full-body massage All right Last I saw my dick is still part of my body. All right, you know what they'll you know what masseuses are like They like the fucking quarterback who can't get it done You know just always comes up a little bit short. They should fucking interview him afterwards. So you know like what happened in there Yeah, you know, I just didn't just didn't get it done. You know, it's like right there all I do is just reach out and grab it and I just You know We didn't want it. We didn't want it as much as they wanted it That's just like just that's such a classic piggyback lawsuit. It's like once that first stupid whore You know gave Brett Favre shit This is very interesting that I've noticed about horse Once one comes out of the woodwork then all of a sudden 20 come out of the woodwork You know and then they always try to paint it as well. We were too scared We were scared fuck you you were you trying to make money and You're trying to build on the momentum of the other case. That's the female version of pulling a train on somebody You know the guy version is, you know, you and 80 of friends bang the same girl The female version is, you know, you're a fucking whore and you're just waiting for a whore to sue a guy that you fucking banged And then you fucking you you draft in right behind their lawsuit Okay, like one of those fucking fairies that rides in that bike race out there in in in France That just pissed some people off Actually you realize that the level of cardio that you need to compete in that sport is 10 times that of a professional hockey player That's when you know you're watching a sport that no one gives a shit about when you have to really start bringing up like science They did a study The heart rate of the average highlight player go fuck yourself Why don't you take that highlight thing and just fucking cup your nuts you taint in your asshole and carry yourself out of here? Why don't you do that? Did that make sense is that what they do with the highlight sticks? Or is it shaped that way? It's sort of a, you know, a user-friendly bike seat that you can rock up and down on You know what I think it's time to read some questions for this week. I'm gonna say I've exhausted All improv skills at this point. Oh, first thing I want to tell you guys. Can you guys do me a huge favor if you're on Facebook? There's some douchebag pretending to be me on Facebook. Just don't add the guy. He has a Celtics logo I don't know what he's doing. He's not doing anything malicious. He's just pretending to be me and it's really weirding me out Um, I mean, I don't know what he thinks he's gonna. I mean, I can't get laid off of Facebook So I don't know what this well, maybe he's got better typing game than I do You know, but I just don't want that shit to be added to my file down there in Houston, you know All right, there's a lot of question out there about, you know things that happen within society Especially, you know, this this is something that I think a lot of white people need because not because we're more racist than anybody else We just get just the the consequences of us fucking up is so much harsher than other people because you know We are the gold standard when it comes to racist We are in the driver's seat right now We have been in the driver's seat for a while Basically meeting that if we are ignorant assholes, it has way more effect than when other people are, you know back in the day When other people were running shit, that's the thing whoever's on top if you're thinking ignorant That's why you know If you're on top and you're thinking ignorant shit You have to be called on it because Just because the because the effect that you can have you know what I mean? Like if somebody from Bangladesh fucking hates me. That's such a stupid example, okay That's not a race of people. I even know what Bangladesh is and I gotta be honest with you I don't even know if that's a city or a country Bangladesh Have ever seen that on the prices, right? You know a showcase showdown. We're selling you to Bangladesh And some white trash person like myself to sit with the confused look on their face like I don't know where that is Is that where the terrorists are? I don't want to go there? Whatever like a Filipino people fucking hate me. That doesn't affect my life. It doesn't I'm not gonna go and do a job interview at you know Walmart is not run by Filipinos, you know what I mean? You know not saying there's anything wrong with Filipinos, all right, see we'll see what I have to do right? There's white person don't say I'm saying I do bad about Filipino Just be clear here. Well, I have never had issues. I don't have a lot of cats and well fucking all that shit You got to go to the Jerry Lewis voice there lady So yeah, people have questions, so here we go and I think all races should chime in The questions that you have if you have feelings about a different race of people and you just think out you're thinking something funny There's nothing malicious, but is this offensive? Is it racist? This is this is the new topic? Okay, and if you feel that I answer these questions Like the ignorant white man that I am call me out on it. I'm here. So here we go This first one bill isn't racist to call Indians Dibba daboos And I'm talking about the Asian ones not Native Americans. I'm guessing by Dibba dabos. You mean Dibba daboo Dibba daboo, Dibba daboo, Dibba daboo. You saying like that? Dibba daboo Is it racist? Probably But it's fucking funny. So that knocks it down a little bit This is what I feel that makes something like racist. It's like like the reason why That one isn't as offensive is because we haven't we never enslaved them That's the reason why white and black shit is so Sensitive is because of the shit that we did to them, but we haven't really fucked with those people. You know, so If the black version of that was is it is it offensive to call black people? Whatever yes, that would be offensive If you did some sort of mocking of the way they spoke. Yes, that would be That would be offensive if some ceo was giving a speech And I was driving actually I was having someone else drive my town car And we drove by a group of Yo motherfuckers And uh, they proceeded to walk towards yeah, you'd have to apologize. So I guess yeah, I guess technically Dibba daboo Like that would be That would be offensive is it racist Um This is what I really I really it's hard for me to say because it had it's what's in your heart You know Because I make fuck I really I make fun of of everybody, you know, I mean I play a game out here Uh when someone is make let me ask you I got a question for you. Is this racist? I have a game out here when I ride around with nia and she does not approve of this to keep her in the clear She does not approve of this when somebody makes a moronic move in front of me You know driving You know just makes a fucking horrific move. I play a game called old or asian And you have to guess when because i'm going to pass the person because I got to see what they look like You know whenever somebody does something fucked up some comedians do a great joke about that You just want to see what the fuck they look like, right? Uh, that's the game old or asian So as I speed up my little hybrid to try to pull parallel to them. I always say what do you say nia? What are you going with old or asian? What do you got old or asian she goes? I'm not playing this game. That's mean and then I was going to go with old and then I pull up Oh, it's fucking asian, you know, or oh, I nailed it. It was an old guy So, um, is that racist? I'm sure it's offensive, but within the context of my own car you know I'm not yelling at it anybody And I got to admit, you know, there's a lot of truth in the fucking game Yeah, jesus. I'm gonna have to apologize next week on the podcast. So I would say that uh, Indian people, why don't you chime in? I would say that yeah that they would find that they would find that offensive um Is it racist? Let me see if I can use it in a sentence here Hey, uh, you know, I called up customer service and uh, you know One of those stupid domas answered and tried to tell me that his name was steve and act like he was in uh kentucky But I I know that he was actually in india because what he talked he was going double what how could I help you? um Is it racist? probably You know what something bad has to happen between white culture and uh, or western culture in uh, indians So you know what I mean? It's like uh, it's like you're playing a team and there's no rivalry Like patriots versus jets this year was like, uh, whites and blacks. It was bad It was a lot of hate, you know But like patriots verse like the fucking lions You know, yeah, there's gonna be some shit targets. It's knocked out But it's still hurts if somebody says something mean I don't I really don't know what the fuck i'm talking about. All right. Let's move to the next one the next one on the new Controversial topic on the monday morning podcast is it racist? All right here we go um Bill, I had an interesting experience today apparently involving me as a racist I was walking with two of my co-workers who are both black. Oh geez. Here we go. Um We were going to go get some lunch one of my co-workers who I'm also friend with uh Did a little high-five fist bump shuffle With one of the female security guards at the front desk knowing both of them and how they interact with one another I kind of made a Impassing comment to the tune of man you guys in your handshakes while obviously laughing Laughing while obviously laughing at just how choreographed it was And more or less picturing them in a studio or something working out the logistics to get the fucking handshake perfect Anyways, we all laughed and moved on and we got our lunch. All right, so nothing wrong yet So you're cool with these people you made a joke And everybody laughed no problems no problems so far um However after coming back through secure uh back through security, I noticed the security guard Stopped me and kind of had a scowl on her face. I thought she was mad at me for something, but it turned out She was mad at this other lady who was black Because she overheard my comment and was telling That security guard that she couldn't believe I had to nerve to say something like that And I should be ashamed also to the point where she could um Almost to the point where she could actually go complain to the human resource People because she was offended Um Etc without even considering that maybe just maybe I was talking about the security guard and my co-worker and not all black people Now it being corporate america in all i'm sure rather than even face the possibility of any bad press They'd rather just sweep me out the door and completely ruin my any reputation I may I may not hold at the company just to save their own asses I feel I did nothing wrong and had no intentions of ever doing anything wrong or anything wrong I'm not going to go on and on about how I kiss black babies and try to rehabilitate inner city schools because I don't But i'm certainly not some corn fed rebel flag waving ignorant product of what might be incest I guess my question is do we really have to walk on eggshells when we are just making casual conversation that just any That just any cunt can pick apart select the context that they might think it is in And then start crying foul Basically, I would have liked to call that woman a cunt and told her to go fuck herself But let's just say I was already kind of worried about my job All right, see um Yeah, I think this is this is the classic one where you were fucking around The other two people knew you were fucking around but then one person just decides to get offended And then you have to go on tv and apologize, which personally I think is the wrong move Because when you apologize Now it's like you're you're admitting that you meant it in a bad way I mean the apology I would do that would say look, you know I'm sorry that you didn't understand that I was joking But I'm not going to say to her and apologize like I have any any Sort of ill will Come in your way You know, but I but just to avoid the problem In the future Uh white people do not use the expression You guys or you people When talking about black people that's just it's just not going to you're you're setting yourself up For someone to get offended and um There's a weird sort of uh push poll going on with that whole uh You guys and you people think where um When somebody white says that There becomes this concern of um that you're separating You're separating like yeah, you know you people over there with how you live your lives And we're over here Black people have that weird relationship with white people where they're like, you know, Can you stop stealing our fucking music and our culture and but then like if something, you know Hey, let's pay the streets, you know, well, make sure you do it in our neighborhood. We're all in this together, right? All of us together You know what I mean? So that's that weird sort of fucking push poll thing going on. So yeah, just avoid Uh Avoid the whole fucking um Yeah, you fucked up you didn't fuck up, but you you left yourself open for a sucker punch by saying you guys You know, uh, that's I guess that that's what it is. I don't know that's that's that's my I'm basically a white guy telling a white guy how he fucked up. So black people if you listen to this thing Uh, please please help me out here. Did I basically get it right? Is that essentially it? And I know most people wouldn't get offended Um, but that that's one of those things like that girl getting offended And then you got to worry that you're going to lose your job. It's like those fucking piggyback horse Who massaged guys for a living? You know some of those masseuses they they'll actually come to your house And give you a full body rub down with oil Okay, and then have the fucking nerve To get upset that you try to get a hand job at the end of it You know Give me a fucking break Why don't you fucking masseuse broads man the fuck up And start rubbing one out is it that goddamn hard No pun intended is it that fucking difficult To just fucking you know It's like you're revving a motorcycle. That's it That's all you got to do up and down up and down with that dead fucking oil you in and out You want that house on the hill sweetheart. There's a price to pay All right Now when a quarterback who owns every fucking record good and bad in the goddamn universe Ask you to rub one out. God damn it. You fucking rub one out Well, maybe you don't blog in this business sister. That's right stare at your fucking manicured toes Pedicured whatever the fuck you're supposed to say Um Jesus Christ mean spirited. All right. So there you go. That's the new that's the new topic Is it racist and I would love to hear Um, some honest comments from non white people about their thoughts You know The fucked up ones too Okay Because I've watched enough spiky movies to think that evidently it's just us but i've hung around enough people from different races to realize Oh, yeah Everybody's like this Everybody has their little fucked up thoughts you guys ever see that broadway play they got that song everybody everyone's a little bit racist What is that the alphabet city one? Whatever the fuck it's called I actually enjoyed that I actually went to a broadway musical and there was puppets in it and I had a great time How about that? What does that say about me? Um, all right. Let's get on with advice advice for this week. All right advice bill Let me set this one up for you because it gets a little complicated over there Um, I went to a new year's eve party with my best friend of 13 years. Oh, Jesus Oh, by the way, this guy uses so many fucking names. I'm just gonna use the names All right, I know I don't name names, but fuck this guy There's like 15 fucking names and then he goes back to the first name back to the seventh name So fuck it. I'm naming names All right. So here we go. I'm suspending that rule Much like they suspended the salary cap and NFL football this year same way. All right, all right Bill, I went to a new year's eve party with my best friend of 13 years mock I got really drunk and hooked up with my friend john's ex-girlfriend anna John and anna had dated for two years john broke up with anna back in september Rather harshly and immediately started banging other girls Anna and I also worked together. Oh, jeez. And we've become good friends here. We go. So hooking up seemed inevitable Our friends have even joked about it. Hey, if you guys like fucked each other yet You guys want to get wings Anyway I've been dating this girl sarah since october We never got too serious And we kind of agreed to take a break when she left to go to london for spring semester Mox girlfriend who happened to be a cunt is best friends with sarah All right, are you like me? Are you already lost? Are there too many fucking names here? Let's go back to the beginning Mark and I got really drunk No I went to a new z part of my best friend mark I got really drunk and hooked up with okay marks his friend john has the ex girlfriend All right, this is like a fucking mini series. I had to show you clips from last week um So anyways, he's dating some cunt named sarah. They agreed to take a break And the girl you're taking a break with is best friends With your friend's girlfriend mark. Okay. I got it. All right. I'm up to speed here So at this party and and I This is john's ex And and I get pretty drunk and start making out None of our friends were there except for mark Mox saw it and got upset you fucking pussy And just had to leave Oh my god really Like some 15-year-old girl exactly Anna and I went to her place and proceeded to do some stuff We didn't bang that night, but oral sex and whatnot was traded and we passed out We both agreed that nobody needed to know what happened I went to mox house later new year's day And said nothing happened with Anna and I And by the way, we just made out I figured that was enough for him to know not to tell anyone Especially his fucking girlfriend Neither of us brought it up for the next four days and it seemed like everything was fine Couple of days passed out of nowhere mark Asked me if I was going to tell john that Anna and I made out I was sort of taking a back as you should have been Sort of taken aback by the question, but I told him I hadn't planned on it He said he wouldn't tell john if I didn't because he didn't want to be a bad friend all right good man I told him that it wasn't a big deal that we just made out and he was being a huge bitch That was a bad move on your part even though he was being a huge bitch You shouldn't have said that all right because he's acting like a fucking chick right here And hell has no fury like a woman scorned and you just scorned that fucking bitch man right there all right So you can guess where the fuck this is going. Okay And then asked him If he told his girlfriend about it, and of course he said yes When I asked him why the fuck he did that he said because I needed to know if I should tell john Jesus Christ I proceeded to call him a bitch good man and let him know How much of a bitch move it was to tell his girlfriend especially since he acted like everything was fine for four days Yeah, this guy is beyond a pussy. This is the kind of guy who like you know Does he like bake brownies see one of those guys Who like doesn't mind going shopping with his fucking girlfriend? Yeah, it's funny that I just said that I actually I'll bake brownies in a fucking second Such a fucking hypocrite all right. Let's let's finish this all right Nobody needed to know about what happened and now he told his girlfriend sarah Um This isn't my fault once again. He fucked up to sentence. Nobody needed to know about what happened and now he told his girlfriend sarah Would definitely find out I knew sarah wouldn't care about me drunkenly hooking up with anna, but it's still something She didn't need to know oh sarah's the fucking twat. It went to europe Somehow I was able to leave mox house without beating the shit out of him I called john who was spending winter break in el Paso and told them what's what happened? He said he didn't really give a shit And agreed it was fucked up for mark to say anyone anything to anyone especially his girlfriend when I told mark He could have asked anyone else about whether or not his bitch ass should tell john what happened He said he asked his girlfriend so he could get a serious opinion Is that being told to keep your fucking mouth shut you little girl from either one of you Either one of our 10 or so close guy friends wouldn't have been a serious enough opinion Anyways, I just needed your validation on how much of a bitch mark was about the whole thing Also, Anna and I decided to start sneaking around and are banging each other. No harm. No foul feel free to Add on to the story of million you read any podcast. Yeah, dude. Yeah, that's Yeah, that guy right there that guy you need to cut out of the loop Okay, that is um That's it. You you forfeited your fucking Guy card. It's over. You can't be trusted You think like a woman Which is fine It's nothing wrong with thinking like a woman, but just go hang out with a bunch of women now What a fucking Ugh Do the amount of shit that has gone down That I have fucking I have so buried in me that I don't even remember it the amount of fucking shit Is ridiculous And I don't even bring it up when it's me and just the other dude Who did the dirty shit I'll fucking bury it in a second. I know exactly how to do it When I meet your fucking wife or your girlfriend, I'll fuck yeah fucking look you right in the eye. Hey, sweetie. How are you? You look great. You've been going to the gym. That's fantastic I'll tell you guys such a sweetheart goddamn it the other day. There was a cat stuck in the tree He was the first guy up the he didn't even wait for a ladder He just started climbing up there. What a swell guy Even if it's a dick, even if it's a fucking dick what I'll then do is I'll just avoid his girlfriend But I'm not fucking bringing up dude that guy really needs to go get his fucking tubes tied What a fag All right, youtube YouTube videos of the week YouTube All right, this one is fucking absolutely insane And if this was made by white people this would actually be considered racist on some level, but it was actually made I don't know if it's japanese, japanese people, whatever the name of the video is how to poop And it is an animated cartoon teaching children How to uh go poopy in the toilet and it is fucking insane It's fucking insane. It's great If you really have a problem In your life that is just weighing on you and it's sucking the energy out of you and you just need to clear every thought from your brain Please watch how to poop just go to the mm podcast.com. We got all these videos. This is that's the official fan site of the monday morning podcast um Just Please go and watch this thing. It's fucking awesome We got really good. I got three really good youtube videos this week. The next one is uh This guy made a federal reserve music video that you have to see it's uh He's doing basically a song parody of the police's uh song every breath you take It's fucking great. The guy actually has a really good voice. This is fucking funny as hell another great one and then the last one is uh It's just a highlight video of jim brown and there's so many um fans that say jim brown is overrated And he couldn't play in today's nfl You just look at this highlight reel the balance and the power That this guy has Is it's unfucking he's like running sideways half the time or running backwards just plowing over people the combination of balance and power is like it's It's foreshadowing to earl campbell earl campbell's the only guy i've seen with like runs like this and For everyone who thinks jim brown couldn't play now. Yeah, you're a hundred percent wrong And I know what you're gonna do you're gonna look at how tall he was and how much he weighed and say he would get crushed in today's nfl That's the wrong way to look at it if you took jim brown and you put him in the modern era What you have to do is also give him all the modern Nutrition all the modern um sports science and all of that so he would look Like today's nfl football with his with his skills Is god-given strength and balance and he would fucking tear up the goddamn league go fuck yourself I don't want to hear another argument. I'm sick of people bringing up fucking guys from nowadays where they're taking fucking horse tranquilizers And you tell he would have dominated in 1950. I would have dominated in 1950 Somebody 50 years from now could dominate the nfl right fucking now Because yeah, it's called advancement Jesus fucking christ Morons all right overrated underrated for this week Overrated every minority and woman in commercials playing the straight man to the dumb white guy I'm not racist or misogynistic in the least bit, but enough is enough Uh, dude, that's fucking hilarious and that's another thing that uh, that's not Minorities are women's fault. That's because of all the fucked up shit white people have done and we don't want to get sued That's why they're doing it not because they're trying to be sensitive to other sexes or other races They just make the white guy be the stooge at all these fucking commercials because they don't want to get sued But yeah, it's starting to get annoying There's always like the black guy shaking his head is the fucking white guy slamming himself in the face with like a fucking rake That's not the way you do it Uh, that was actually a man woman one remember that one where the woman sit there at the computer and that their husband is outside fucking He's got a guy there's a beehive and he's taking taking like a broom handle and he's shoving it up the fucking beehive And then he gets stung and she's sitting there rolling her eyes like oh my husband. He's a fucking retard Uh, and they do that between men and women and race and the fucking The white dude always has to be the moron, but I mean, you know it is what it is But you know you should be happy white person who wrote that That they have that that's the way they balance it out You know, you're still winning so quit you fucking crying all right also overrated in real life And not what I see on tv is the female carpenter or construction worker. I get I get that you've got to make up And try harder for all the bullshit you deal with for fuck's sake crack a smile for once in your life I really don't know what he's bitching about there female construction workers don't smile enough Uh, all right underrated the pjs eddy murphy was brilliant and the claymation was this shit back in the day Why the fuck don't why the fuck that show isn't on dvd is a crime To all comedy one of the few shows that is actually better with closed caption on Uh, number two real musicians. Anybody remember these people that naturally play Actually play their instruments and none of that fucking auto tuner sampling machine and turntables All of those are not fucking instruments Um Wow, I mean, you know I've actually come to a place where I can I can understand the brilliance of being able to take pieces of some I think the way the the beastie boys did it on paul's boutique where you took like 10 or 12 different samples looped them together and created a new song I mean there is There that is a talent You know turntables. That's just I don't get that shit. That's just I don't understand that Um I'm too fucking old to get that and I don't get I don't get mashups. I've I've bitched about that before mashups Are the emperors new clothes of music? Okay All you have to do is pick two songs that are the same tempo Okay, same beats per minute then the lyrics will fit On that other one then all you have to do is just one that where the lyrics fit the mood of the the new music You're putting it over That's not that fucking difficult If you got sad sort of music Pick another sad fucking song and just stick that music under those sad lyrics As long as the tempo is the same and yeah, it's gonna work out Dude, he took jingle bells and blended it with Santa Claus is coming to town Um What else do we got uh road trip road trips with your fucking buggin buddies never gets old That's that's absolutely true. That's why the hangover was such a great fucking movie Uh real lemonade not that coke and pepsy package garbage But real shit with fucking pulp and flavor. I like this guy this guy's into old shit, you know Appented paper not this fucking laptop horseshit. I don't remember my laptop ever crash and I've actually said that um all right. That's it. That's the podcast for this week. Everybody. I hope you had a great week um And once again, I'm looking forward to the uh The Steelers green bay Championships and do me a favor bring up all green base nfl titles. I would really like to Try to start an underground debate about that because I want them to start counting nfl titles And I want to see nfl franchises Fly those nfl championship flags You want it You know, I I think the afl one should fly those flags It's part of the history if you're a fucking Nerd like me. I like that type of shit. I'm actually reading a book right now called the greatest game by richard bailey uh Somebody gave me this book and uh It's actually about the bucky dent red socks Um that one one day playoff game and you know, that's a great thing about the red socks finally winning a world series And then winning another one. I can actually sit back and read this book and it is um It's a fucking great read It's a great read. I recommend it. All right. That's it. That's a podcast for this week. Everybody have a great week I'm at the improv in atison atison texas this week and um What else do I got coming up? Let's go on my website Hang on one second. Come on guys. Hang in there. Don't shut it off. Just yet. Don't shut it off. Just yet All right, um that i'm gonna be at the count bacie theater and redback new jersey on february 18th And i'm gonna be at the new Of jesus christ. Oh, I mean the terry town musical On the 17th of february, miami beach. We have a new theater Um, they had me booked in another one, but they had already booked another act there So they had to switch it up. I'm actually going to be at the new world symphony theater Uh on 17th street miami beach, florida on the the fourth of march The tower theater in philadelphia. Look I got a bunch of new dates on the website tower theater in uh philadelphia on april 9th and um This is the last one here I'm going to be at the pap's fuck. Oh, jesus christ the link didn't work I'm gonna be at the you know, I was having such a great podcast too on april 22nd. I'm gonna be at the pap's theater in milwaukee, wisconsin Um And right after that, I just want to tell you i'm blown away about how many tickets sold the first day Uh milwaukee was one of those cities where i was like, you know, I don't know. I don't know I don't know if i'm gonna sell tickets there, you know, it's not like new york. It's not chicago. It's not l.a You know, so it's not one of those kinds of cities, but I don't it doesn't strike me as a get or dead Kind of city either It's one of those middle ground ones. So I don't know where the fuck i'm gonna fit in it So I want to thank everybody in wisconsin who went out and bought tickets A special oh, you know what somebody sent me a fucking email if I can just from escanaba, michigan saying they were coming all the way down Because they remembered back in the day I played a college up there on the upper peninsula of michigan And they said um I went up in front of 17 people in a cafeteria And evidently I killed so the fact that actually put on a show in front of 17 people see how see all that New comedians if you're listening to this podcast those fucking shows matter Years later They'll actually show up If you give them hell in front of 11 people Doing a nooner in the upper peninsula michigan. I actually fucking remember that gig. I did a couple of gigs up there Um, that's an amazing group of people who live up there I like how they embrace winner. They really have no choice, but they actually get real fucking uh snow storms You know when you come out you open your door You know and you get buried by like nine feet of fucking snow You walking down the street on your snow shoes and you're stepping over like frozen elk Right as you know, and they just they just they embrace it As opposed to all the pussies down here every time this for inches of fucking snore Be goddamn fatty is running down to the fucking supermarket like they're gonna starve to death I just want one news guy during all that insanity We're gonna get six to eight inches It's like do you realize six to eight inches of snow It that would barely reach the average person up to that calf And considering You can last about 35 days without food as long as you have water Okay, and snow is water stick it in your mouth. See what happens. All right. You're gonna be fucking fine All right So sit tight All right, there's sport. That's what I want them to say I want I want them to just fucking sit there and watch the weathermen losing his fucking mind All excited that he's the focus this week on the goddamn fucking newscast right Well that night on the newscast and then when they go back to the anchor who's fucking the co-anchor because he's the goddamn alpha male I want him to dress down that fucking The goddamn uh weatherman four inches of snow Jesus christ, I could stick my dick in that you could still see the shaft the fuck are you talking about? Go fuck yourself. All right. That's it. That's a podcast for this week. You guys have a great weekend. Yeah, go fuck yourselves Uh, don't take any shit. I'll see you [BLANK_AUDIO]