Heilio hello Stephen. How are you? I'm good as you well know We are the third of four podcasts that are gonna be covering critters this very week It's insane. We're actually managing to get an entire franchise done in one shot This section of critters is covered by a cut above horror view number one Give me back my horror movies number two us covering number three and our friends over at cinema slab coming fourth So my question for you is since we all pre record our stuff weeks and weeks in advance because we're so prepared Little other people know this the date today is January 5th, 2023. Yeah. Yeah, we're so far ahead. I could shoot myself exactly So we won't even remember by the time this comes out But my question for you is what do you think a cut above horror view and give me back my action movies and horror movies Covered in their episodes before getting to ours titties I didn't say what do you think they covered in every single one of their episodes? Oh my bad, sorry It's such a common thing for them. I tell you It's a good question. I'm very eager to listen to their shows and hear what they have to say about these Phenomenal films considering they got the best two of the batch. I think more precisely Apart from them just having fun with it. I think they're going to talk Critters are now attacking Leo's house great My cat tried to kill me that was good. These are strictly extras from critters three and four They were not happy with Leo's assessment of critters one and two Phenomenal that was great timing Relieving this all I think if I survive my own studio at the moment, I can safely say they're talking a lot about officer doofy And they're talking a lot about The spaceship battles because they're gonna have to try and sneak some action into this horror Five bucks said on a cut above they at some point mentioned that de wallis is hot Although that might just be me projecting a little bit of both. I agree. Yep And five bucks says in critters two Someone compared that giant ball of critters to their balls Yes, yes 100 percent other than the fact that they obviously Spent the entire episode saying the best episode is yet to come I'm sure they said that. I'm sure they said a lot of things about coming I am guaranteeing that's positive and they will turn around and say that they were talking about cinema slab One step ahead of you a cut above and give me back my action horror movies one step ahead We know your games You should have done that in a skeletal voice. Anyway, give me that way. I don't know. What am I saying? What are we doing? What is this show? We're spoils of horror quick do a reach around All right, everybody welcome to a cut above give me back my spoils of horror instead of a slab something my name is steven I guess i'll be leo today And this is episode number 132 critters three an excellent day for an exercise Oh Look at me devian It's all for you I'm our number one fan. I hope they are watching there see there see and they don't know I'm scared to close my eyes Whatever you do don't fall asleep So leo since neither one of us picked this film. Oh, okay. I do want to tell everybody That when we did the children of the corn crossover which you should go back and listen to because it was really fun Everybody was saying oh my god. We should do this again. This is so fun Let's pick another franchise and I was like great ghoulies and everyone ignored me Oh, yeah universally. They were like that never happened. We didn't hear that. That's yeah I was like ghoulies. How about ghoulies and and then the other people in the chat didn't even recognize that I said that they were Just like does anybody have a franchise anybody and I'm like putting their ghoulies ghoulies ghoulies If it wasn't so long ago, I would do a screen cap to show everybody And then it was quickly decided that it was critters But you and I have a quite a relationship with this franchise. So I think we could talk about that instead Well, yeah, this is one of those masterpieces that we grew up with at the time the first one Just silly little 80 sci-fi horror and it worked perfectly for the time era it had I don't know about a huge budget but enough of a budget to get some good names and some good acting and You know, it was no worse or better than things like leprechaun or whatever else came out at the time to compare it to But you know fun and creature features fun It was the kind of movie you want to bite your teeth into if you're pardons upon because it was just weird and cute And it was right in that wave of gremlins Itty bitty horror creatures and shit like that and everybody was into it Yeah, so I've probably only seen the first critters film once My memories of it are pretty vague actually the series for me is all about critters too Which is the rare sequel that I think is better than the first film and critters too is just a fucking blast It's ridiculous fun. It is so much fun. I loved it when I was a kid I loved so many different parts. I loved the shape changing bounty hunter that turns herself into a playboy model And still has the staple of the of the magazine in her chest Because she doesn't she doesn't know what she's shaped shifting right But also just there are so many great moments in that film And the movie is always trying to up the ante and some other ridiculous realm It has one of my favorite kills of all time in it, which is the kill in the bunny suit Oh, yeah killing uh, what was it the sheriff from the mayor? Yes, whatever it was and there have a costume during the easter celebration Because that's how they best hide their eggs. You actually nailed it on the head the second one was Really upping the ante from what the first one was and not in that way that some sequels do three where they Take things either too far or not far enough or not in the same direction as what was coherent with the first two films but Took what happened in the first one and made it bigger and better And just a big adrenaline shot of fun critters too has no pretensions as to what it is Right, exactly. They didn't they weren't trying to go for some big sci-fi epic. They were like, we know what we are Now I thought that I had seen critters three I just had different memories in my head and it may have been that I confused it with critters four But I realized I had never seen this movie So it was fun in the sense that this was a first time watch for me I always enjoy when we get those first watches on either side of this with us Leo and I did really enjoy though There was just a continual trend between these partnerships with these other podcasts in that we seem to continually get the Episode in the franchise where the villain goes to the city I was going to talk about this later, but there's a weird thing that happens especially in 80s horror When they start franchising it to death when you get to the third one It either goes straight to space or straight to Manhattan because of the way that this partnership runs when we do these shows We end up with the third episode every time. So we're always going to one of those two places third ones are weird Sometimes they're dream warriors. Sometimes they're the best of the franchise or phantasm three Which I think is both of our favorite of all the phantasm movies sometimes they're like chucky goes to military school Exactly Wasn't leprechaun three the one that went to space No, I think that was no leprechaun three is the one where he went to las vegas Was that three? I thought that was the second one Uh, it doesn't matter. No, yeah, it's yeah, it's three. I remember the point being Yeah We ever gonna cover leprechaun movies if we keep doing these franchise things with our friends probably I want to do I want to do the leprechaun reboot just because i'm really entertained by a hardcore leprechaun movie You know, I I saw the one that had horn swagel in it And it was garbage, but the one that they did that was a direct Reboot sequel that had a guy in a costume like Warwick. I haven't seen that yet. I should really sit down to it I'm sure it's really good. I'm sure All right, you want to cover our critters three? I guess we're gonna have to Clifford drives in a beat-up pickup truck singing songs with his teenage daughter Annie and young son Jason On their way home from vacation Suddenly the tire blows They pull into a rest stop make repairs and the kids toss a frisbee into the woods They meet Josh a rich kid on vacation with his stepdad and charlie a bounty hunter hiding inside of a ditch He tells the kids everything that happened in the first two critters films And gives johnny a magical crystal that glows green when krites are nearby Meanwhile something sinister rolls in the grass and leaves several green eggs near the truck's front axle We cut now to an apartment full of over exaggerated quirky characters interacting with one another On a typical day just outside the big city. These characters include a tough lady working for the phone company a conspiracy theory loving geriatric couple a curler wearing nosy neighbor and a slimy maintenance manager Clifford Annie and johnny make it home and enjoy a last meeting with dad the mom died two years earlier And to help make ends meet he's going back to work for the railroad down in the basement The maintenance manager is sniffing underwear from the laundry chute and acting like a total loser He's attacked by the newly hatched eggs that were attached to the truck's chassis and eaten alive by critters I love when a movie starts with a good old fashioned wholesome Non-sensical sing along my favorite part about this is how they didn't even know the words to the fight This movie starts off so bizarre because you're supposed to have these three characters that we want to see what a close family They are and how much they care about one another and they are just like blabbering the words of what I think is three different songs It's one is london bridge the other one is old mcdonald out of farm and the other one is singing the abc's Because they're all going over each other and they're all like funneling with the words You know And the egg went to the farm and you're just like jesus christ Somebody put on the radio Yeah, and that's my note exactly is when you put on the radio in the car and you have that friend sit next to you Trying to sing and they know the song but not the words They're trying real hard. They got the chorus down. They don't know anything else, but they're trying like a motherfucker Yeah, they just like they just pop in for the chorus that like Exit Enter now. I love this song. This song is Yeah To your point It's supposed to denote that this is a loving carrying happy family who are Really connected with each other and having a great old time on the vacation Which is and i'll get to this more later Much in contrast with how this dad's character arc is throughout the rest of the film Yes, it doesn't quite work because the story they try to tell with him Doesn't match what's actually happening in this moment Which is that they're coming back from a vacation Mom has died And you get the sense that everybody's really close and then he becomes really lethargic throughout the rest of the movie and is almost like Interested not in his kids, but he's just really miserable because his wife died He sees himself as a victim and that all works for me actually really like the be story in this film But film so kind We watched the criteria in collection of critters three But you're right that these things just don't match But it does lead us to a rest stop because their tire blows and they have to pull over And then we get introduced to the second thing That is a continual part of us doing these franchises, which is that our third film always has some Bizarre unexpected cameo. I'm gonna get this out of the way right off the mat Everyone is going on and on when you read reviews or whatever about this being Leonardo caprios first film I don't give a shit about that at all in any other way other than to share one silly anecdote I have about it where I was working at suncoast video years and years ago And titanic had just been released and so they re-released critters three onto the shelf With a new cover that had his face on it as a little boy and his name huge at the top Leonardo DiCaprio in critters three and I couldn't help but think Holy shit, is he proud of that? Look, I think that this is a really important movie for his arc as an actor Because you get to see his first role And then of course he becomes much older throughout the years and he progresses through You know other films and things like that But this is really where you get to see his dating life crystallized because he never dates women that are any older than the woman in these movies I wasn't going to touch that but go on do it It's done. It's done I think it's especially interesting They were originally not going to have these characters be children and it was actually carry elwis that was up for this role instead of Leonardo DiCaprio. I did know that yep. Yeah, I I figure Looking at carry elwis out of saw this would have been a much different film had he gotten the part And I just couldn't crack up when I like help a crack up when I see these kids because they're all wearing the most 90s clothes possible and there's nothing that makes me laugh more than 90s clothes And this is the second time children of the corn three also had these extremely 90s outfits in them So leonardo diCaprio is wearing an outfit that i'm pretty sure I owned Uh, which is that i'm pretty sure I had the same oversized covered in blue and pink triangles I'm only fooling myself and still in the closet bisexual kid t-shirt with with matching shorts Anyone who sees those 1980s patterns that are going around where it's like a white background with pink and blue squiggles and triangles all over it You wore that between 1984 and 1986 anyone that wore it after that was part of a different community There's a there's a point in your life when you come out of the closet where you think to yourself How did I not know who I really was and then you look at yourself in that leonardo diCaprio's outfit and you go? How did I not know? Small window of acceptability Right, right, right, right if you went to your local pride parade people wear it everywhere But yeah, these these clothes would just crack every the fuck up After this we're going to meet one of the only reoccurring characters in this franchise Which is charlie the bounty hunter from the first two movies now. I I think charlie's a fun character So i've no no issue with him But he has a very bizarre introduction charlie is a character who Unfortunately went the route of jineen from ghostbusters We're in the first film she was a put-together smart intelligent woman kind of hot doing okay for herself a little nerdy Perfectly acceptable right on egon's level by the time the second film and sequels come out She was the louis tully dork that was fumbling over herself and tripping on the sidewalk And they did her dirty just to put that out there I think charlie in the first two films was actually a pretty decent comic relief character He did all right for himself and making him a bounty hunter made it more funny that you gave this doof some more responsibility By the time he got to this film he's just dumb And he's truly clearly supposed to be like the regi banister Of the critters franchise, you know, he's the one that's like aware of these creatures and he's the one that's hunting them and Like regi banister like I think that that character stays a lot better throughout the second through fifth film because the first film He's barely in it, but I think regi is actually a lot like ash from evil then where he came into his own as he went on and yes better Right, but he's barely in this film, which I actually think is is not a great choice for critters 3 because while I agree with you He's played a little too dumb This is a fun character and I think would have been better served to be a little bit more in the actual movie Personally, I would have taken learticabry out of this film like his his Character has very little to do with anything that actually happens in the story But his introduction is like a riddle to me like I can't figure it out Because the kids are around a frisbee and it lands in the woods And so the kids go run and they get the frisbee and as soon as they reach for it He just explodes out of the ground It's like he was trying to build a bunker and lit dynamite from loony tunes in the bunker and it pushed him out into orbit And I don't know if the idea is that he's hiding in this area because he's trying to hunt these critters But let me just speak the plan back to you The plan is that he's going to hide in the ground of a random section of the forest And when one lone critter rolls its way up to his trap. He is going to explode outward And land on top of it. He has no weapons. I guess that's exactly true. Yeah, because Here's part of the problem I have with charlie in this film is that he's Being made less than he was or like earlier on they gave him all the weapons They they gave him like bounty hunter training all this other shit. Now. He's just a weird asshole in the woods And cobbling together from matchboxes and chewing gum whatever weapon he can Happens to have maybe two space one space gun and one glowing crystal is all he really that glowing crystal by the way, which has No effect on the film or no real payoff later on in any meaningful way whatsoever. So there's no point in focusing on it None Doesn't do anything never warns a character when it matters Now late there's two times they focus on the kid going hey, look it's glowing But they don't expand on it. They don't do anything about it And it doesn't matter because it doesn't build up any tension because we already know that danger is present Exactly exactly that And also not not to be that guy, but since we're talking on this for a moment Charlie talks about his past with the critters and how he got to be curious now He's using images from the first two films as if they're the same movie, which I can get around That's fine But then he tells the kids that it all started in 1984 the movie came out in 1986. So that's not possible That's so pedantic Ah Jesus Christ, what are you the gin from wishmaster like You Fucking focus on the words Jesus Christ Although to be fair i'm focused on the words too because Everybody then packs up the car and they go home We have these quirky characters that i'm sure we'll talk about throughout the movie But then when they get there they our family goes to their apartment and they have all this drama between them I want to be clear. There is one thing I like about this film There's a couple things I like about this movie and one is I do like the bee plot Which is that the daughter is frustrated with her dad because her dad doesn't give a shit Because the dad feels like a victim he lost his wife two years ago and he's not getting his shit together I actually really enjoyed that story as a way of like getting the characters to be likable and relatable to you But there's a part where he says, you know, your mom died two years ago So now as I said to make ends me i'm gonna go work for the railroad It doesn't sound like 1990 when this movie is supposed to roughly take place. It sounds like 1890 It sounds like The way he talks about it sounds like he's going to work for a diamond mind in africa Well daughter i'm off to the railroad have a husband. We'll see you later Right, it's like that song and fiddler on the roof where the dad like cries because he knows he's never gonna see his daughters again Because they're married like Probably probably right it's like You know, you can write letters right like you know you have a phone I gotta say I I agree with you that this is a good subplot. It's a good bee plot I don't agree that it was put together as well as it could have been Uh, I think they could have done more with it to make it work because I get what they're going for Is the father is depressed and his depression is running him and the kids and it's making him a distant dad And so the daughter has to step up and by the end of the film he comes around and he's like i'm a dad again I'm fun again. I'm the guy that you remember and it's his redemption arc and it's all very good But the truth of it is it's all just extremely sad and depressing watching him loaf around and being negligent to his children Well, I guess this is a place where we can sort of agree to disagree But I think it's going to get to us having the same point about the film which is that the film can't decide whether it's serious or funny That that is a major point. You're absolutely right. Yeah, I have that in here And so I don't i'm not that bothered by it at this point And what I actually mean because I actually don't totally disagree with you because I think the daughter sells it I don't think the the dad says because I thought the daughter was very good actor I really enjoyed her performance in this movie and I thought that she was a fun hero. I liked her I like you know like I I thought she had a good arc and all that other stuff But I agree with you the dad is just not present enough for his part of the story to really work I don't think it's a bad idea that the critters like knock him out early on because it's kind of like a metaphor of like his you know, where he is For critters three Really really dial into I had to read the book version of critters three to get the back story I love the idea that they did a novelization of this movie Good job. Yeah. Well, if you see it in the play if you see the play version of it They have sure the pro the director's cut. I did everything But I agree with you completely. I think it's just On this case. I think it's more the writer's fault I think they they didn't do enough with the dad character To pay off at the end, but they did the daughter. Well I totally agree Guys guys we've been doing this thing for a while and uh I think it's about time we make a trailer. Yeah. Yeah. All right. So here we go. Let's get this thing. All right ready All right, what's going on everybody? We are dissect that film. I am Brett. I'm Dan I'm Angela And we wait wait wait guys. I have an even better idea What if we had somebody with an epic voice? Spell our show in a way that our show actually isn't what do you say? So it's perfect. All right. Let's go Your host parker Dan and Angela slice and dice their way through the good if it pleads We can kill it the bad devil And the ugly movies you love and you can't piss on hospitality. I want to allow it hold your favorite films and franchises tight Because they aren't safe In fact, it's already too late It's time to dissect that film I I wish our show is what what what that guy just said But you know what if you want to listen to our awesome show dissect that film You can listen to us on youtube and on your favorite podcast apps every single friday where we talk about all the wonderful films Good bad or ugly as uh that uh epic dude said back there. So until next time i'm Brett I'm Dan. I'm Angela and we'll see y'all again next time The critters start exploring the building Have funny moments as doors are accidentally slammed in their face and laundry is dumped on their heads It's intentionally played for laps While this happens any hears more about what happened in grovers bend from her elderly neighbors And johnny's crystal starts glowing green Back in the basement a neighbor named rosley is collecting her laundry She hears scuttering around the room sees the dead body of the maintenance man And is attacked by the alien creatures Annie shows up in the nick of time fights off the critters and helps her neighbor escape upstairs They make it to the next floor where they find clifford and fight off another attack Rosalie and clifford are hit with poisonous quills that cause them to become lethargic Before Annie rolls an ash can down the stairs knocking the critters like bowling pins Marcia the woman who works at the phone company shows up and helps everyone escape So right before this section started we had a Seen that leo and i have watched before the moment that a main character walks through their apartment building And interacts with every single quirky character That is in the hallway and in the door and in the elevator and showing up to work and leaving work and yada yada yada leo i'm wondering if you thought of the exact same movie that i thought of I mean, it's only troll. It's it's only troll that has this I watched this and i thought am i watching troll again? This is almost the exact same scene This is how you know that a film has a micro budget Where they ship two outside shots and everything else is done inside of one room or one building or one apartment So that they can save expenses. Yes, exactly i thought that to myself too if you look at the critters three cover It's got a great cover of like the city of new york or chicago or san francisco It doesn't say because it doesn't want you to know Let me be clear they would be very obvious if this was like critters take manhattan They would show that that's not what happened This could be london. This could be Dubai like it doesn't it does not want you to know what city is So that you can't try to figure out whether or not they get it correct that's right and there is something that i love in horror movies and So many of them have done this children of the corn three does it Jason takes manhattan does it where they say We're going to shoot a horror film in the big city And by that we mean most of it will take place pretty far outside of the city It's going to be in a suburb in one apartment complex that you've never heard of because it's the studio set We built somewhere done, but it's got a view of the city Yeah, it's a nice painted backdrop that looks a little bit vaguely like la, but you're not quite sure Exactly because you can't sell a horror film on critters take a small apartment building critters take the suburbs And look i love Jason takes manhattan but that movie is just as fucking guilty of being like Jason takes a small boat that goes to manhattan And that's one of the notes i have in here is if you're going to advertise a film And i know they literally didn't do this, but if you're going to advertise a film as This main title character takes this big city You got to fucking own it and you got to show us that city because every single time i've seen a movie do this We maybe get four establishing shots of said city and nothing else happens in the city Even Jason only spent about four or five minutes of the film on new york streets Before he went down into the sewer and we didn't see any more of manhattan at all I thought to myself if one white kid starts rapping i'm shutting this off That's fair that would have been my limit i agree Anyway, so I do think that there is something that can be said, you know Like we always try to find some kind of interesting threat about these movies even if they're bad or if they're good And critters three is a little interesting to me because It does show you in my personal opinion what a movie looks like when it is slightly upgraded but not totally upgraded because This scene that we watched in troll one Is not as bad as it is in troll one That's because troll one did everything on a staircase this one at least went around the building Yes, and the acting is just a little bit better It's just a little bit better and the script in is in my opinion. Maybe you don't agree It's just a little bit funnier than troll not then critters I know what to say But like like some of the jokes land like there was times that I genuinely laughed There were things that I genuinely did like and some of these characters I thought we're funny. I really liked the older couple that were the conspiracy theorists I thought they were great. I really liked Uh, marsha the one who wore marsia whatever the one who works for she works for the phone company Uh, she is what they would what they would mainly call it lesbian with a ladder Um I love learning expressions from you there you go Look it up everyone. Look it up. She's not she's not lesbian. She she but there's a anyway They're all caricatures. They're all caricatures But I particularly liked uh those three characters a lot And that's one of the big takeaways with this when we meet all the various characters throughout the building They're all parodies of a stereotype character So you can't take it all too seriously and I will agree with you on that note when it comes to the humor And so forth. They do it well enough for the critters franchise Because right i've seen this happen before And I I think there are some ways that it happens in this film too, which is why i'm a little hesitant on agreeing fully in that They have two films to work from two films that were pretty good actually and They know what the funny parts are they know what the style of humor is They know what these movies go for and the blend of scary and funny And in this film they kind of went well. We'll do that. Maybe once or twice And for the rest of it, we're just gonna go another direction. Oh and that totally agree Yeah, it's bothersome because it doesn't it doesn't have the same feel at that point It doesn't feel like it fits in the franchise because it went too far off one way I watch critters to the other day And I laughed myself fucking silly when that sheriff was eaten alive by the letters Exactly. Meanwhile, we get the fucking greasy handyman of the basement dies and we don't give a shit Right So much to say there So first and foremost this character Man, do I really not totally understand this character He's supposed to be the greasy slime ball maintenance manager of the building But he's dressed like someone who runs your local chapter of bikes, not bombs It's weird that they would choose what i'm assuming is a california-based city LA san francisco something like that and this guy is a thousand percent new york hoodlum Well, he's dressed like he see I see it a little differently like to me He looks like somebody who worked who like lives in portlandia like he rides a unicycle to work This guy had the blue jean's denim vest over his t-shirt like a greaser And he talked in a very new york accent Well, he had the new york accent, but he had like pins all over it And there was that right and the vest was was was kind of like it kind of like matched his pants and it kind of like i don't know Like i'm hip see to me. It was more hipster. It was more like hipster han solo I'll accept that because it's funny We will put up a picture in the show notes and you can decide But Great We get three votes from charlie give me back my action movie All three that's right great But anyway Regardless, we both agree that this guy just doesn't work and he speaks his New york accent is just terrible. He speaks. He's doing this like Hey, you know, why don't you get out of the building and then go get a pizza? But you know how slow notice how slow I did it He speaks as if he's being played on one unlike point five speed on spotify He plays as characters if adam sandler was trying to do an imitation of john like was amo and did it very poorly And he's carrying around a goldfish for some reason So this comes off less Like like a character like all the others are clearly stereotypes of like the nozi neighbor And then like the hardcore working woman and then the you know, sort of like lovable but weird Older neighbors like everybody's kind of like you can kind of see who they are Yeah, but this character is less like that and more like somebody did like a mad libs of a character And and then they said like noun and somebody went fishbowl Frank loves blank sniffing underwear verb Yeah, let's go into that just to prove what kind of an asshole he is this fella goes down to the basement And picks up the laundry of the curler in her hair's parody woman upstairs And just like oh, I love my job as he's like breathing deeply all of the Sweat fumes and shit. I love when a horror movie feels the need to justify the deaths of their characters by making the person Harville. Do you remember they did this in death by temptation and you and i can stop laughing Like let's make this guy as gross as we can so you don't give us shit that he died He has a whole monologue before this where he's talking about how he's trying to get everybody out of the building So that they can like sell the building to some contractor and make a mall or something So he's got all these lines about how he's like purposefully Not fixing the building so that they can just tear it down And then he's sniffing their bras and underwear down the stairs And i'm just like what is he gonna do next you're gonna open up a cabinet and they're gonna be like children in there That are making birdhouses This is one of those situations much to your point like I referred to A remake they did of night of living dead where they drove a pickup truck up to the place And the guy got out of the coffin and started stumbling into the graveyard And that's the first zombie you met and all the while they're talking about what a shithead This guy was and he was a bad person he was ever needs her scrooge all that other shit And i'm like, I don't care I don't care that he's that sleazy. I just want a scary guy in the graveyard That's all the fucking commission about well and plus also I often think that deaths work better in horror movies when they're people you don't want to die I think that's true also. I really now don't get me wrong. I like it when a shithead gets his comeuppance by all means Look, there's some super fun horror movies where just bad people are getting killed like don't get me wrong Don't get me wrong and I could have been fine with this because it's so cartoonish Yeah, but one of my big problems with this movie Not enough people die in it and there's no gore Oh, I have a lot to say about that too. And this is a really good example of it where his death is genuinely unremarkable He practices the ancient art of holding a puppet close to your neck and screaming I had the same thing It's it's that old 1950s thing where like an octopus is attacking And you have to grab the tentacles and wrap them around you and squirm as if it's attacking you If you've never seen one of the greatest movies of all time ed wood Which is one of leo and i's like favorite films ever made They talk about this in the making of plan nine from outer space And they talk about how the actors had to literally hold the tentacles on themselves Funny. It's so great. That's what it's like. Oh my god Can we cover that instead? Yes, could we talk about ed wood for the rest of the movie? I'd love to But you're right there's no gore in this film and the second one has wonderful gore in it So I just don't really don't know it gets to something you said earlier. I just don't really know How they had such a great second movie that was so much fun And didn't really know how to translate these things over to the third film Which has some good stuff in it It's my understanding that the director of this film was not somebody who dabbled in this genre before Which is fine try your hand at something new and critters three is kind of a low ball like you can't really do much to fuck it up And yet Here we are with a situation where at the very least even if this isn't your thing and you're doing it for the first time You have two examples to work from when you're writing your story when you're directing your story You can pause what's happening and just scrub through the film and go You know what it needs to be more like that and then do that but they're not They're not using the the work that came before them as a lead for something great They're just going with oh, it's funny enough And this isn't when evil lurks. This is a silly movie. So when I'm meeting these fun characters I'm thinking to myself. I can't wait till they die. I can't wait till they have some ridiculous death when it showed that older couple And they introduced them by the grandfather really because they're kind of like grandparents Right. He turns right around. He looks at our main character and he says to her Hey, you were just on vacation at the grand canyon. Did you know that alien's a graveyard? I don't think there's ever been a line that so quickly endeared me to a person He's an old man at a rolltop desk with stacks of papers and shit around him talking about alien conspiracy I would take care of him until he died Like I would give him my lungs Like I love this guy and I love both of these characters so much I wanted them to be my grandparents And so I felt I kept waiting for them to have some big fun death that was so over the top That you didn't even like mourn their loss because it was just so goofy like with the ball rolls over that farmer And he just blows him down. Yep Can't wait for that and it just doesn't happen And that's another big complaint I have is this movie doesn't have any of that The first two the first film was good And it was it had the critters and they did the thing the second film up the ante with the giant critter ball The huge monstrous critter at the end of the first film all of the stuff was great And it spoke so well to the campiness and the weirdness and the zanyness of that the two films And this film was like we're not doing any of that in fact anytime somebody dies We're gonna cut away So that we don't offend somebody or whatever the fucking going through their head And the second film is just so fucking funny too like it's a sharp Funny script It's got a lot of jokes And we'll I don't want to talk about this now. We'll get to it later But the the joke rhythm on this like they're funny jokes in this movie. Don't get me wrong There are some very funny ones. We talked about the the bowling at the end That so that part the reason I compared it to bowling is because that's what the movie does Right. So literally when Annie picks up this giant ashtray and rolls it down the set of stairs and it knocks the critters over They splice in somebody watching tv like down the road and they're watching a bowling game And I thought to myself That's the tone that I want for this movie. I actually really enjoy this this it's not like funny But I enjoy the rhythm of it. I enjoy the energy of it That's really what I want a critters movie Not it sort of oscillating between taking itself seriously. I don't mean pathos I like pathos, but like taking itself seriously not having enough jokes and then In the third part getting lost in the sauce Now we get into the other subplot of the film If you remember Josh from the beginning of the movie, it turns out his stepdad owns the apartment building that is currently being attacked by critters He's trying to drive out his tenants and sell the land for top dollar They have driven to the city to talk to the maintenance manager and get rid of the occupants preventing him from cashing in on the property After cutting the powered and the phone lines mr. Briggs walks upstairs to harass the tenants Ignoring Josh who hates his guts for being cruel He's attacked by critters and eaten alive Marcia saves Josh and shoves a flare inside the stomach of a critter It falls into the laundry shoot lands in a pile of clothes, which begin to catch the building on fire Everyone reunites inside the elderly couple's apartment And he finds a small storage space above the kitchen and helps everyone escape inside just as the critters burst into the room When you and I covered children of the core in three, there really just wasn't much potential for that film There was nothing to really grab on to and say boy like taking children of the corn and setting it into a city That was a good idea. Mm. Yeah, it wasn't But you can actually grab onto something here and i'm not sure if it makes it a better film or a more disappointing film And it's because of something that happens in this middle section So every time I watched this movie, I watched it three times like usual and every time I had a pretty good time through at the beginning And I had some laughs and I enjoyed the silly characters And then it got to this scene where it shows josh with his stepdad We met earlier it doesn't matter and they just happen to be the owners Of the building that all our main characters are staying in and there's this whole subplot about how he wants to Sell the building and he has to he wants to get rid of the residence So that he can sell it to a mall or make it an amusement park or make it a i don't know like a titty bar I don't know whether there's a villainous thing. He's got going on. He's going to do some Villainous thing where he's going to sell the land and so he's trying to get rid of all the tenants And then he's going to show up and meander around the building. He's got to cut the power cut the talent with health lines blah blah blah blah This is all such a fucking chore to get through and I thought this was boring as shit And it reminded me of a movie that you and I adored That did what this film should have done better Which is return to nukem high because one of the things that you and I Complimented the fuck out of that movie is the rhythm of the jokes. Yep that movie had a joke every fucking two minutes and 99 percent of them were funny Right and that movie would just hit you over and over and over again where it was like it showed everybody dancing outside You know they they have a million guns where they're trying to get in the building and then it shows the locker room where the gym teachers are staring at the You know at the high schoolers who are all played by 28 year olds with tattoos and center piercings like and And like it's and then there's toxic in the background and it's just like there's a chicken and somebody's mouth Like it's just like joke after joke after joke after joke in every single one of them is funny And this movie Has some good jokes. I really like the three stooges level stuff where it's like the critter pops out of a trash can and somebody Just happens to throw their trash right in at that second. Yeah, it's a lot of type of humor where it's critters You know somebody drops a bra on its head and it's running around with a bra It's it's very low level stuff, but I was snickering and having a good time. I was laughing And then it just gets to this like scene that I don't care about the characters The villain is so cartoonish that I don't find him to be all that threatening I knew what was gonna happen. I knew the critters are gonna eat him And it's just a fucking slog to get through and none of it's funny. Not of it's ever funny at all I've been trying to think of a good comparison. I don't know that I have one but if you're watching a show That's supposed to be for children, you know in the grand scheme of things. It's a cartoon But it's something like bugs bunny and bugs bunny had jokes that appealed to everyone It was very funny And a lot of levels like the words that they use the jokes that they told as well as the slapstick humor and the anvils falling and all that It worked sure across different age ranges and everything it still works Then years go by and they have to tailor what funny is to the modern world Because we're not allowed to this and we're not allowed to that You can't say these things anymore and you get a watered down version that Talks at children instead of two of them And the jokes are are just people hitting each other or farts and burps And and it's not it's not as funny as it was And you you bring up a very good example with the critter for example coming out of the trash can or the laundry shoot And that jess is about to tack they get hit in the head they fall back down again That's the kind of stuff that made these first two films good That's the kind of stuff they could be drawing from and every once in a while they put it in this movie And when they do it works They don't do it all that often or often enough to offset the fact that the rest of the movie is just dull as shit So in leo's referencing the old Looney tunes I totally understand what he's saying because he's not talking about the ones from like the 50s or 40s Which were like abjectly racist He's talking about the ones that we grew up with which it was a really interesting time because cartoons would show Like a cat getting like thrown into a microwave and zapped or like an anvil falling on somebody's head And then there was all this controversy as to whether or not kids were going to run around and throw anvils on people's heads Exactly like common The mouse runs over the cat with a lawn mower. He gets the fur off his back scraped in a big stripe It's hilarious and they're like no, no, no kids will attack kids with lawn mowers. We can't do that anymore That's how shit because the early loading dudes were pretty fucked up like Yeah, I mean But I get your point and I agree with you I agree with you There's a goofiness to this with like characters running into walls and like becoming flat That I kind of wanted more of in this film and it just barely does it Right as opposed to the first two films which not to beat the dead horse. They could have used his inspiration And they did it very well Absolutely. And that's the thing is that there's just not a lot of it And you get to this point in the film and it's just a fucking slog It's just so boring And I'm like, I have literally three notes for this section because there's I I haven't written here Not a lot of exciting anything happens during this next few moments Exactly literally I was like, oh We have to stomach more of Leonardo DiCaprio, which I can barely stomach him now in movies You know and then we have to deal with his cartoonish dad and oh When marcia comes in or mercio whoever she is when the phone lady comes in to save the day holding the flare She looks like Vasquez from aliens. That's it. That's all I have to say That's it What is the funniest thing about this the critters are sitting in a room watching julia child's on tv Teach them how to skin a chicken and then they kill the guy Okay, kind of funny, I guess irony cruel and there's no gore Right So i'm like, what the fuck are we doing here? But it's too bad that we have this black hole soul sucking section In this movie because the movie's only an hour and 20 minutes So when you have 10 to 15 minutes in the middle of your movie that is just boring as shit and provides absolutely Nothing other than one lame death. It really does kind of kill the film I do like the fact that the building lights on fire that kind of like ups the stakes a little bit that adds some drama But other than that, this is useless, which is too bad because when they get inside one of the apartment buildings It starts to get some energy again and it starts to be fun There are some good jokes in the script for instance There's a part where the woman from the phone company looks at the older couple and says do you have any weapons in here? And he says I have the casing of an old civil war gun. Yes Not And literally and he says and it has no powder Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, like it's there. It's useless, but I have it Exactly trying to show off a collection rather than answer her question in a good way But then because the jokes written well They go 180 in the other direction because the his wife says and I have a meat cleaver And it's the biggest meat cleaver you've ever seen. It's like a it's like a chainsaw mask or meat cleaver It's huge which always got a laugh out of me. That was very funny And again, you have this these great little moments where the critters are getting knocked around And then you have you know parts where the critters will grab the end of a mop And then the characters have to like literally whack them against the walls to get the mop This is the kind of stuff I want in this movie, but there are good little funny jokes throughout the film that Really give you a sense of this could have been more While our heroes hide in the storage space trying to plan and escape the critters are left alone in the apartment below It's time for hijinks Aliens party hard by drinking dish soap throwing food dumping bags of flour on each other eating beans and farting Backup stairs Marcia makes a heroic attempt to scale a wall Connect directly to the phone lines and call for help It's a good idea But when the basement fire hits an accelerant and explodes she slips and falls Her foot catches a wire. She's left dangling upside down next to a phone booth Which she desperately tries to reach Annie crawls down the elevator shaft reaches the bottom floor and tries to escape, but is cornered by the critters Suddenly the door behind them explodes. It's charlie the bounty hunter here to save the day He uses a laser gun to blast the critters into oblivion before making a harrowing escape with Annie back up the elevator shaft So if you really want to make a good comparison the scene with the critters in the kitchen Is just like the scene with the gremlins in the bar But on a strict budget In gremlins you have a hundred gremlins swinging from the chandeliers playing video games drinking beer Smoking cigarettes like playing like a detective role One of them is shoots another one over a game of cards, which is hilarious one of them does a puppet show exactly But you only had four of them And you could only use objects found at the dollar store. That's right. That's right This kitchen scene Is one of the things that epitomizes what i'm talking about with the humor in this film where they bring it down to literally fart jokes and throwing pies and it's funny because marsia Is outside Swinging back and forth on a rope basically trying desperately to reach a phone booth And then she gets to the phone booth and it says you need to put in change and she realizes she's now got to Swing again and while she takes for change. Yeah, that's funny. That's critters funny. That's at least this movie franchise level funny Yep The thing of the kitchen is for toddlers. I know what they were going for and they got so close They got so close to the right kind of funny with it Yeah, because you have to have number one. You need to have more critters in there You need to have more than three or four and you need to have more chaos happening And I really think that they could have done it. Let's just say look they're stuck Critters two was made for two million dollars. They're only willing to make critters three for 500,000 Okay, fine I do feel like the critters all look alike It's not like you can't use the same four in different shots Exactly and just put a spatula in one, you know in one person's mouth or one of their mouth And have one of them get fried in the oven and had a couple of them bowling into each other like they're bowling balls And then the other one's exploding upward There's just not enough chaos here for what I want, which is too bad because this scene is fun Question mark exactly Question mark. It's fun. Like it's it's what I want If they had taken diCaprio's character or his stepdad tied him to a chair in the kitchen and we're fucking with him The entire time. Yeah, that would have hit the mark That's actually a great idea. You know what I mean? Like what you're saying if you just do 12 different scenes with the same four critters Doing some dumb fucking thing that would have hit the mark But they didn't they just had one guy pouring cereal on another guy the other one eating beans and farting the other two laughing about the farting That's all this was and what you need is think of like and this is like a way better movie But just think of how david boe looks in labyrinth when he's just surrounded by muppets You know like it looks so cool And I think that they have the budget in this film to at least have one shot where okay leonard a capra's character is perfect You're right tie him up in the middle of the room and they just have critters everywhere They're just like pouring pouring like soy sauce on him and like you know shooting quills, but they're purposefully shooting like right next to him Or they're having some sort of like dart game where they're shooting the quills and trying to hit like you know like like a bullseye But he they've hung it on his stomach You know stuff that's not scary or like actually feels like torture because it's totally the wrong vibe of this movie but stuff that's silly and funny and Like and sort of like goofy as opposed to like you can feel the director sort of like running and being like no No, no, no like the stop stop everything only can cost a $1.99 I know they had that scene earlier where they're watching julia child's on the television They could have been doing that again while taking her cooking lessons and holding like his leg on the table And trying to be great right like if they were watching trying to replicate what she was doing and trying to cook a chicken Exactly. It was just terrible like There's so much they could have done here and that's the inherent thing this bothering me about this film every time they just get close They fuck Change things around and mess it up And watch the worst it's gonna happen. They're gonna compare you to grab They've been doing it for the last two films. Who gives a fuck like it The gates are all pretty much the same fucking thing munchies You could have had one of those critters sing New York and it would have gotten the same response like You're not wrong So it doesn't matter like it doesn't matter you the comparison is already there people have been Criticizing critters for being a rip off of gremlins for a while even though like there's there's a whole controversy there The script was written earlier blah blah blah blah blah. Who gives a shit? Who gives a shit? They've been making cheap knockoff movies that are great for years. You see carters are fucking awesome like knockoff of gremlins who gives a shit, but if you're gonna do the scene don't have to it go all the way My biggest note on this film not to get too far into my ending Model log here, but yeah, just if you're gonna commit commit and then right fucking pick a path Yes, exactly exactly And it's all done with like, you know again Like it's it's just like four cents of whimsy like it's like this is all this like plunking like keyboard music behind it That is like they picked like a sounds of whimsy cd and just played track number 208 This is the boinkin doing section of the sound yeah Exactly I know what you're talking about exactly I did like really laugh though Because I thought you could kind of identify with the film because there's one point where it shows one of the critters Like arm like weakly pick up a pie and they throw it And it's supposed to going forward it goes up and I thought that's the same way leo throws a baseball That's right. That's basically it. Exactly. That's why they don't let me play that you're no more Exactly You know you're a true baseball player when the ball goes up instead of forward Hit that motherfucker There is something that I did like in this movie and I genuinely liked it Which is that okay? We've cracked jokes about the fact that this movie does not take place in a city it takes place in an apartment building But they use the shit out of that apartment building and it really reminded me of this is a much lesser version But sometimes when you watch a random horror movie And it's way better than it should be like it's like the fourth film in a franchise And you're like this should not be this good And then you go in and you find out it was written by like john sales or frank downbound or something like that And then you're like, okay, there was a lot of early talent That was involved with this movie that when people were really young and so we talked about that with piranha Like piranha should not work as well as it does so good though It's so good. It's so good and it's such a like a really good script. It's a great script and it shouldn't work and yet it does and Critters three could have been that because I really love the way they use the apartment because they take literally Every single space in that building and use it somehow So the movie doesn't feel stagnant in the sense that you stay in one room the whole time because it's in the basement It's in several different apartment buildings And I love when they start getting creative with that and they go use a crawl space up above the buildings There's a whole part that takes place outside of the wall when um, the uh phone company character when she's crawling across the wires which That would have worked if there had been more stakes in the film when they were willing to kill off some characters that I liked But otherwise, that's a pretty good scene and I totally agree her hanging from the wires very funny Yeah, it's one of the few things that worked to your point with the comedy And I agree also that had they more stakes in the film or given us more Opportunity to give a shit about these characters. Yes Then I would have had this all would have come together much stronger than it And that phone lady I thought that she was going to bite it and that she'd be hanging from the wire I would still kill her even though I like her a lot But it's not about whether or not I like the characters because sometimes killing the characters better But like have her hanging from the wire do the joke that you just said when she swings over then she can't she can't use the phone She doesn't have any quarters and then have those critters start crawling down the wire and eat her on the wire Yeah, or where is the the 60 foot tall critter? Where is that guy? Where is the fucking Critter ball you could have had him all like you say just write down the rope devour her into a skeleton crawl back up the rope again And do it super quick Yep, exactly do it super quick Um, and I would have laughed aboriously. I would have really liked it So and they don't use her character like she's supposed to be tough, but she's not like a ripply They don't use her in that way. So it's kind of like it's kind of that haveses It's like you make this tough character either make her a superhero and make her awesome And have her be the survivor or do something with her I I would have loved her to be this this movie is ripply And then still die in that hilarious way that would have been Great because sir then you then you're invested. You're like she's gonna save them. She's the one She's got it and she's gonna be the new mom character or whatever and then that that would exactly meant something You know But to the way that this movie uses space like I love all the shit with the elevator I love the fact that the main character Annie has to crawl down the shaft and get in the elevator And then she gets out and then her and charlie have to get back in and there's this whole like drama with the Elevator shooting up. I actually thought that that was really fun. That's the energy I want in this movie It's just not enough of it and now the building's on fire Which is supposed to add more stakes. Oh my god. The building's the fire It doesn't though like it's the fire is not spreading fast enough and the fire is not threatening enough To be any of a real issue But the fire is the right idea. So I don't want to criticize the fire because it's the right idea for the film It should exist within the movie It's that the movie isn't willing to kill anybody or do anything gory. So you're just never really that concerned I agree If they had just said we're just going to kill the bad characters We're going to go hard on the jokes and then we're going to make this a blast and we're just going to have Characters with guns and you know this old lady with a meat cleaver fighting critters And then they'll be really goofy and really funny the critters You know destroying the kitchen and eating the food and you know rolling around I would have been totally in for that movie. Oh, yeah, all of that would have been amazing Yes, exactly. It's just it like touches on those nerves, but it just doesn't do enough with them completely agree In a world that has been completely divided for so long Two movie fans have decided to unite for the people and the betterment of mankind One an action movie buff The other a horror movie fanatic Together they will try to bridge the gap of both genres into one podcast with their battle cry Give me back my action and horror movies Listen along as charlie innate alternate each week talking about action and horror movies Moseley from the VHS era Also including some modern examples that felt like the movies they grew up with by answering the battle cry Give me back my action and horror movies Available wherever you listen to podcasts look them up on facebook and instagram The remaining critters ambush the group and it's an all-out fight for survival Quills are shot and meat cleavers are swung Everyone crawls onto the roof looking for a way to escape Johnny stands too close to the edge and when the final krite attacks, he's protected by charlie But still falls over the edge Clifford saves the day by grabbing his son in the nick of time and all the critters are dead The next morning all is well Everyone's being interviewed by the police or receiving medical care Josh's mom promises to provide everyone with enough money to stay in a hotel until the building is rebuilt And charlie walks off into the sunset for a happy ending As the credits roll charlie searches the building for the remaining crit eggs Suddenly he gets a message from the intergalactic council that he may not destroy the remaining eggs because it would result in the destruction of an entire species He's to have them transported back to their planet Apod crashes through the ceiling and the text on the screen says to be continued You have continually brought up The fact that there's no giant critter at the end of this movie And in the second movie there was a giant ball of critters, which was just like just you know If they wouldn't eat me, I would have reached out and hugged that ball because I love it so much I just love the idea of that so much It was a great upgrade god damn charlie nate and pea for constantly getting the most fun We need to switch our release date so that we're on tuesday and there on wednesday You've not lived until you've seen That woman die in the motorized wheelchair and children of the corn too Seriously, it's one of the funniest deaths of all time It's not good. It's it's it's not quite up there with the barbie in charlie nate corn three I think we trumped them on that. You're right. We trumped them on that. It's really great So and and I think that that's what also disappoints us a little bit about critters three that is not critters threes fall We just had such a categorically bad film last time That there was nothing to grab onto and say well that was kind of cool like that was okay like Like he walked the right behind the rose was ugly as fuck You know like ever show that character That's the whole rap soundtrack was laughable like all the white boys and like, you know Little backwards hats. Yes. It was so bad. Like it was all so bad and critters three isn't that bad and it The the stuff is there for a good film a fun film and that's what's so disappointing but At the end here, there's the most like mutate it muted like boring Ending I I like the stuff in the crawlspace, you know where they're fighting off the critters and they kill them all But then it all just comes down to one like heavily bludgeoned critter At the big rooftop ending. It's just a total letdown for the context There's one critter that fell into some bleach or something It's a nice got a mutated eye and white stripe in his hair like gremlins So you can identify him as the quote-unquote leader of the group cool. Whatever. I'm all for it He gets beaten what they think to death in the basement before everyone escapes upstairs, but he comes back for one last huzzah and by that I mean He's going to go up to the roof He's going to pull a sonic the hedgehog speed real fast in a little ball Fly towards a six-year-old kid to try and knock him off the roof And then he's going to get captured by the bounty hunter and they're both going to fall and he's going to land on the critter and squish it the fight at the end of this movie Should have been At the very least comical if not exciting And it was neither of those two things. There's no giant critter ball. There's no space alien gun. There's no 60-foot critter trying to tear the building down. There's nothing At all like in the first two films these critters got a downgrade It's it's like they have none of their powers or their or their weapons or their anything to make the ending of this worth a shit You give charlie some kind of syringe or mutagen or something That makes him a little stronger and he uses it to just annihilate all the critters Except for the last one the one that's got the scar in its face And that critter accidentally eats it And then it becomes like spider critter or it becomes like it grows five heads It just becomes big and gnarly becomes a bat critter. You know what I mean like again kremlins two references fine It becomes a girl. It becomes a vegetable. I don't care Electro critter right exactly, but you get where i'm going with this. Okay, it's not giant. It's not the ball of critters It is a mutated One it holds in the body parts multiple heads. That's fucking great. That would have been so cool Yeah, or like mutates with a human it like can gets their DNA and it's kind of a human critter different things like that There are so many fun things that you can do. I was waiting for the big ending And okay There's nothing wrong with telling a side story and saying you know what we want one to be big We want two to be bigger We want four to be bigger, but the third one's going to be this little side story over here We're going to get the characters and get to know them a little bit and it'll be different But you still need a big ending even if it's the big ending that's not comparable to part two But comparable to this film. I feel like i'm repeating myself with this I'm trying not to but it's the same problem that i've mentioned a couple times already where In the first film the critters attacked the farmhouse and then there was a giant one they had to deal with And the second film the critters attacked the easter parade and there was this big critter ball they had to deal with They up the ante like we can't do another giant critter. We've already done that Let's do a massive 200 critters in one ball attacking that was cool This one needs an upgrade there needs to be the next evolutionary thing or the next weird freaky thing In which master we complained and how sequels have this knack Of adding brand new powers to a character that never existed before and for no good reason And this movie has the exact opposite problem They're taking powers and weapons and abilities away from these creatures To make them less than what they were and it's making a dull fucking film I would have accepted anything that these critters can do because this is this is a comedy like this is a comedy Horror film exactly should have some trauma like vibes So all you need you need literally for them to like eat some toxic waste Grow a pair of boobs and start killing people like that. I i'm in There's a lot that you can do here. Hellraiser three got away with somebody shooting cds out of their mouth Like they did And it's it's more fun than this movie like It begs a question So it all comes down to this kid jonnie falling off the side of the building And then his sister comes running over grabs him and then they hang there for a dramatic like 30 45 seconds For dad comes running over pulls him up and you're right. That's the end of his arc. He's now done something It begs a question What the fuck were all of those characters doing? During the 45 seconds that this poor six-year-old was hanging off the side of a building Yeah, being trying to be pulled up by his 12-year-old sister They're all standing there debating who was gonna run over or not. I don't know all I can picture is these characters looking at each other going I just wash my hands like I can't You know how it is with a homeowner's association. You got to have a committee decide every fucking thing that happens I have arthritis I'm not I'm not I get vertigo very easily like if I look over the side I could puke Gets it on everybody. Not good for them. Not good for me True, that's true. Can I say also it's the spider-man meme. They were all just pointing at each other. No, according to each other exactly I know there wasn't a lot of death and gore and bullshit in this film Can I just say how Alarming it is that literally nobody in this building seems to give a shit that people are dying People have actively died and everyone's like yeah, and they're fucking moving on with their lives Oh at the end of the film. Yeah I love I love these tropes. I love this so much. I thought to myself again if this was one of those movies where It was secretly written by like Frank Darrin about I would have thought this was really fun And and in a fun movie this could have worked just fine But there's nothing I love more in a movie when you have like six or seven main characters And in one swoop of the camera across like the scene all of their arcs are completed all of them Every single eye of dialogue that comes out of their mouth. They're like I gotta raise the phone company I got a new job. It's better than the real world. I can be with my kids I've got a new girlfriend like I they just all have these like corny lines Which I think I actually would keep this scene if the rest of the movie was better Because I think it would have played for laughs and been great 100 like you know the conspiracy theory couple is like We finally get to talk to the news about all the different things that we think are happening like UFOs and zombies and different things like that And they do that great trope with them too where he's talking to the reporter He's like I had all the evidence all the proof you never need but it's burnt up in the fire It's gone now and just like any other conspiracy note would say, you know, it was such a good moment Dang your hat on It would have been so much better if the rest of the film had led to it properly And the one that got like the big hardy laugh out of me was when the Dead landlord's wife comes out of like nowhere like practically practically Comes out of a trash can like grover the ground she and I like or Oscar the ground. Sorry But like practically just comes out of nowhere and she's like But Josh told me everything that happened to you and we're gonna give you all the money for a new building And i'm like, what is this the fucking like this is like an 80s Like comedy like wrapped up in a half hour just like any other sitcom Here's all the money you need to be in a hotel forever We're gonna rebuild the entire building with all new shit and have a nice place to live You get everything you've ever wanted in the world the end The only thing that would have been cornea is if she had had the gems from one-eyed willies treasure Like Another good reference. Well done. Yeah, the town is saved. Yay It's so No, but i actually would have kept that Yeah, I would have kept it. I would have just had her lay it on a little bit thicker I would have literally had her just pop out of nowhere and be like my husband may be dead But you were all cheated out of your home So i'm gonna put you up in a hotel room until the building is rebuilt again It will sweet you got nothing but luxury for the rest of your lives Good job We're lowering your rent everything's great. Yep. Yeah, 80s song comes on Everybody loves it. Everybody loves it movies over But I will say I love the ending credits The ending credits are all right. I like that charlie's arc isn't over. I like The notion that these weird alien hippie environmentalists are coming in saying hey No matter how deadly and outrageous and quickly spread these things get you can't commit genocide on them Which I'd be like fuck you squish. They're gone like spray that But that's just me and apparently The only reason as my research recently found out because it's been so long since i watched this movie I want to learn about it a little bit. I found out that part three and part four were filmed back to back Because that's the only way they could get part three made Is if they made two films that could potentially earn enough money to be worth it as opposed to one film that was going to bomb because critters too didn't do so well Which is tragic because critters too is wonderful Critters too did much better on home release vhs and all that than it ever did in the theaters So they were like we don't work critters, but then they they said okay We'll give you two movies under one budget, which is one of the reasons why this movie sucks So bad because it had half of the budget to deal with Got it. That makes so much more sense now. It does though And since critters four takes place in space, it makes me very cautious about what That movie looks like Which brings it all to a head i don't know if it's in the formula or not given this is just a thing We're doing with our friends, but it still begs the question What do you think of the film? It was fun to make fun of this movie and it was fun to talk about what doesn't work about it I didn't hate it though. I did not hate this movie There were there movies we've covered recently that just maybe wanted to like gouge my own eyes out And we have one coming up that I didn't realize was bad as as was as bad as I thought it was And so I want to give the movie the credit it deserves for sure It has some characters that I liked and genuinely enjoyed I like the lead I like the older couple upstairs and I really like the woman from the phone company I thought those characters were a lot of fun Script is funny sometimes And it is fun when it has the right energy and the right pacing But I kept thinking of Of returning nukem high because that movie is a fucking home run that movie is a home run and that movie Understands exactly how many jokes a sort of like horror comedy hybrid needs to work And so this movie is just not willing to give us the horror because there's no fucking gore in it at all Which is just that's that's just a fucking shame on this Shame shame shame. There's some very critters film Yeah for critters film, which the I loved when I was a kid the gore in the second film I thought the gore was amazing And so to get to this where they barely even try And then have some funny jokes, but not enough funny jokes It's just a disappointing mixed bag It's not as bad as I want it to be for the purposes of this You know these trilligies or these uh franchises that we're covering with our friends Because it was really fun to have the just total piece of garbage that was children of the corn three for sure But this is just it's just lukewarm water It's that's what it is. It's just lukewarm water and boy when I realized I wasn't watching it wasn't like I had never seen this I was in I was like i'm ready. I love critters one and I love critters too. I I love critters too so much I've seen it so many times This movie I should have been a fan because i'm there But it's just not that good And I hope that critters four is better because I I always want this franchise to succeed because it's fun and I like it It makes me very much more cautious about what we pick next time because I either I either want a good third movie Or I want a fucking bad third movie Problem is we already fucked up because we already covered phantasm and we already did Nightmare on Elm Street and I don't want to do fucking Halloween because I don't want to get stuck with season of the witch I don't want it. We just covered witchcraft three. That's out Well, we'll think of something there's plenty of franchises to go around. Oh god We need a good that's can somebody either pitch us a movie a franchise Where the third part is surprisingly good or it is like so god awful That it is unbelievable. I want one or the other Talking of the franchises What I said before if you're going to make a sequel in a franchise like this you're going to have to pick a path You either lean in to how ridiculous it all is and make it that or you lean in to the scary factor and you make it that This movie didn't lean at all. It's doing straight down in the middle and looked around and did nothing Uh, there were good moments sure But genuinely I find all of this very uninspiring, especially compared to the first two films That's just you know and again comparing like to like we're not even comparing it to anything But it's own franchise and it sucks. The critter action is less frequent The writing is not very clever most of the time the gore to your point non-existent. The blood is reduced Uh, the plot is as generic as it gets honestly Uh, the scenes go on for far too long in many places Is a big boring chunk in the middle. I still say the main family's story is more depressing than anything But it's the only good subplot in the film for what the film has They spend way too much time trying quite poorly to make us care about the weak side characters of the building And the movie suffers from the greatest sin that we keep talking about it's boring Yep, it's boring critters movie. You can't have a boring critters movie, but for some reason they managed it Somebody said online this movie offers plenty of safe scares and silly monster fun And I think that perfectly sums up this fucking film because it's barely a horror film It's like a weird spielberg style romp with a bunch of kids getting into wacky mischief It's it's like watching A show made for kids that has nothing but farting and burping in it to get him to laugh It's it's home alone And gremlins having a baby and that baby has special needs all of this Comes together poorly, you know in a franchise that shouldn't shouldn't I'm so I know I'm caught on that I've said that three times, but it sucks to have what amounts to a made for tv version of critters on the list so guilty pleasure film If that's your cup of tea if you want to watch it because you want to watch all four and say you've seen them Please do it's part of the thing. It's great for that at least Um, the only value I had in watching this was being able to do another series with our friends And uh, I I'm I'm sad that cut above and give me back my horror movies had the better two options I'm even sadder still for cinema slab who has just joined us on this adventure to get number four because God knows what kind of a shit show that's gonna be I have nothing else to add other than yep, yep, this movie It was better than wishmaster 2 so Yeah, I would rather watch critters 3 than wishmaster 2 You know what's fucked up as as bad as I find this movie and it's just not even bad as disappointing as I find this movie It's still better than some of the other fucking movies we've covered. I know That's probably people who are saying that we are not fair to these films. This I can't remember Who is covered what? But I have a suggestion for the next franchise And maybe one of these podcast has already covered this But what about the amityville horror because that means that we get amityville 3d I like that. I'm I'm eager to cover amityville not anytime soon, but uh, I'll take on three three's fun Can can I make a suggestion? So here's how we do we tell everybody we're gonna do amityville that you know Kind of a wan and I can't remember give me back my horror movies has done too. That's what I can't remember Yeah, um So we do three sims loved us for but then what we secretly do is we don't do three We do the stupid one with the fucking clock at it It's about time. Whoa, that's right. We do that one. It's a tagline which I Wish I hadn't said just now because that is on my list and we will definitely cover it at some point Well, stupid fucking movie might as well have some fucking fun with it Yeah, I don't know that we'll go farther than the amityville journey than that I'm not getting into it. I don't I don't feel a strong need to do a little dildo or anything like that It's literally like 27 amityville films now or more. It's fucking crazy I always get more curious about franchises that go far beyond like what I even knew like What is the howling six about like Right. Like how many of those can we get away with? Right and it's like and how far are we willing to tank our downloads to find out? That's fair Right. What happens in the third prophecy movie like I feel really bad for the fifth podcast that comes into all this It's gonna start getting wacky Yeah That's a fifth one. That's a sad like Just sad Yeah, by the way, welcome cinema slab to being part of this idiotic shit that we do Uh, nice to have you here for the first time ever so lots of props lots of love your way and everybody go listen to their show We can't wait for your children to the corn for retrospective Yeah, you have to do that now you have to get back and do that so that we have the whole run for both The next year we'll do another one. All right. We'll see you next week Bye [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music]
