(upbeat music) - Welcome to "You Didn't Ask" podcast. I'm Megan. - And I'm Chloe, and we're here to answer all the questions that you didn't ask. (upbeat music) - How old are you? - I'm 20. - Oh! (upbeat music) (upbeat music) - Hey guys. - Hello, and welcome back to another episode of the "You Didn't Ask" podcast. - Welcome to the new season. - Yeah, as we talked about last week, we're doing a new season where we're, you know, talking about normalizing all different phases of our 20s and kind of where everybody's at in life. - So, Megan, introduce our first guest. - Oh my gosh, okay. - So, our first episode, we were trying to think, okay, 20 and what? Like, what is one of the things that we're gonna be thinking of? And of course, we thought of 20 and married. And so, I have brought, I haven't invited along one of my dearest friends, Shelby Harmoning, almost a little person. (laughing) - I got it, Harmoning. - Tell us a little bit about yourself, just like so that people can know, a little about myself. My name is Shelby Harmoning. Used to be Shelby Wilson. - True. - I work for Mission Driven Research as an administrative coordinator. I am trying to think of some things about myself. - Take pictures? - Yeah, I'm a photographer on the side. I graduated with graphic design at Calhoun. And I, I mean, like eight hours and I like flowers. I look like I'm on the side. I like everything about vibes. Like, I live for the vibe, if that means girl. Like, what do I do today? Like, what's gonna be the vibiest thing I can do today? If that's going to push me, go on a picnic. If that's going to drive, go on a drive. - You're driven by the vibes. - Driven by the, yeah, I'm so driven by the drive. - Driven by, not the drive, driven by the vibes? - Not the drive. - We don't have to run, no, no career drive. No operations, no vibes. - That's so funny. But yeah, so Shelby is here to talk about marriage with us. How long, tell us a little bit about, like, okay, Jacob, and like how y'all met and how you became married. How did you get there? - How did you become married? (laughing) - How does one do it? How did, how do we do this? - Okay, so Jacob is like one of my childhood best friends, cousins, so Sophie harmonies, cousins too. Jacob harmonies. So I've always known of him because of Sophie, but we'd never really like hung out, met that kind of thing. So we first started hanging out, I guess, or met when she brought him to the college ministry at Mount Zion, which is the church we go to. So we started hanging out and I'm a little bit of a go-getter, a little bit. And he is not a blessing. He's just more on like the reserved, or he's always thinking like, oh, she doesn't like me. She wouldn't like me, like, why would she like me? You know, bless him. But, so with that being said, I'm a go-getter, and so-- - You have drive. - I have drive, I'm driven by the drive. And so I thought he was super cute, he's precious, and he was giving me like a lot of attention for him. But that's not like a lot to everyone else, if that makes sense, like I would send him like DMs of like a meme or something, something we talked about previously, and he'd be like-- - He was at the DMs. - Yes, I was, absolutely. And he would say something like, LOL, or like, oh yeah. And I was like, oh. - Okay. - Drive. - So I was just always second guessing myself, like I just, I need to chill out and just sit down. - I do a calm down. - I'm doing too much. And anyway, so I kept doing too much. And I always wanted to learn guitar. And every summer, I would try to teach myself, like self-taught type of thing, and I would just always give up, essentially. But he plays guitar. And so I was like, okay, this is my way in. So I said, like, do you, I don't remember exactly what I said, but I essentially was like, hey, like, could I pay you to like teach me, like, could we do like a little transactional, you know, whatever? And he was like, oh, no, you didn't pay me, like, you're my friend, I said, oh, ouch. - Yeah, exactly. - Friends, I'm gonna start somewhere. - Start from the ground up. So anyway, so we started hanging out weekly, doing guitar lessons, but he would hang out at my house for like five to six hours. Like, we would do an hour of guitar. Like, he would genuinely teach me. - Yeah. - And then we would just sit and talk, and talk, and talk. And so anyway, that became dating, hanging out. - Marriage. - Marriage, yeah, that's it. - For all the Duluth girls out there. - Yeah, be a go-getter, I guess. - Don't stop. - Keep pursuing. - Shoot your shot, that's the advice. - It can work out. Not that that's the greatest advice, but I'm just a testimony that can't work. But anyway, so we were dating for about, oh gosh, I don't know my dates, probably like a year and a half or something like that, two years maybe, and then got engaged. Okay, so we started dating in April of 2021. And then got engaged in September 2022. And then we got married in May of 2023. And then here we are, a year into marriage, 2024. So that's the story of us. - So it's the story of her qualifications. (laughing) So let's see. Just gonna ask you a few questions here, just to kind of like, get our things going. Yeah, don't be scared. This is, this is of safe space. - Okay, it's okay. (laughing) - So you've only, you've been ready a year, and you dated Jacob for a little bit. For the people out there, when did you know it was time to get married? Like, how do you switch from like, dating, I'm trying to figure him out to like, I wanna get married and marry him, and he wants to marry me, et cetera. - This is a very good question. I think, I don't know if it was just ever like a aha moment, light bulb, you know, north star type of thing, but it was like, there was one thing that I had always like kind of had on my heart growing up, and just the Lord had placed on my heart, which like, commissions. I don't know if that's full time. I have no clue what God has even talked to me about with that, but I just know that I have a heart for missions, and I'm always like, open to missions. And yes, I had gone through like all the other checklists, like is he a Christian, is he a believer, does he? Not that having a good family is a must, but I wanted a good like, a family. And so like, he just like, crossed all the things, and he was doing good. And I didn't really realize that this was like the last thing, but when we had kind of talked about missions, and I was just kind of like wondering where he stood on that. And he was, he was open, like, you know, if I ever feel called, like I'm absolutely willing to go or do whatever that means, because I know that some people just aren't comfortable with that or haven't been called that. And I say called, I don't necessarily mean like aha moment, but more of just like an openness and a willingness to be open to the Lord when it comes to missions. And so when we had that conversation, and he was just very clear about willing to do that, if that ever were to be the case, I was like, oh, wow. Like, not only has he checked off all the must haves, but this is, this kind of felt like a cherry on top for me, that it was like, wow, we really are compatible. And he could absolutely like be my husband. So like, 'cause I wanted someone who was willing to do missions if it came to it. So I guess that maybe. - Cool. - Yeah, probably that. - And thoughts coming. - I'm just listening. (laughing) - Here for the vibes. - Here for the vibes. - All righty, so obviously for you, you got married at age 21. - 21, correct. - Yes. - So what do you say, well, first of all, did anyone say this, but what do you say to people who thought like you were too young? Like, was that something that came up often? Did you face backlash, so to speak? (laughing) - In the trenches. You know, surprisingly, I didn't. But my sister who got also got married young, I feel like, did get a lot more backlash. - Okay. - Not because of her or because of me, but mainly, I feel like I had an easier time because she paved the way for me. She's a trouble blazer, so thank you Sam. I know you endured a lot. - Shout out, shout out to Sam. (laughing) - So for me, no, I don't think I got a ton of that. Thankfully, 'cause I would have probably not said good things back, just because I do people poo poo on marriage a little too much, in my opinion, a lot too much. And so, when someone is deciding to love someone forever to enter this covenant before God with somebody else, and then someone's out here saying like, oh, you can't do it, you're too young. Or like, you haven't lived enough yet. Or, oh, you need to go do this, go do that. It's just kind of like, you don't know, chug them out, sit down, I'm sorry, you're miserable, because I'm gonna be miserable. - Tell them. - Tell them. - Because it's true, because it's such a sweet gift. It literally, like, and yeah, I feel like I've gotten a little bit more used to it now. But I remember in the beginning of marriage, like, I just kept being so surprised, or so just like in all of the Lord, in the fact that He's given us such a good gift. Like, it's, I was even thinking like, is this really necessary to have someone in life that, like, it was such an unnecessary sweet gift that God has allowed us to enjoy and partake in. Like, to have a friend forever, that I get to live this life with. Like, God didn't have to do that. And it's so sweet, and it's such a good thing. And so when people are like, I don't know, they're discouraging and saying you're too young, or you can't do it, or I don't know if this is the wisest idea, or you need more money. It's just kind of like, you're missing all of, you're missing the whole point, you're missing the heart of marriage. - Yeah. - So thankfully, I didn't, 'cause again, I would've probably said some, no, wonderful things 'cause that, no, I didn't. - I feel like you do just like, in life, like with the marriage too. Like, I guess you just like, take your challenges. - Yeah. - Like, if you, like, would rather be married, 'cause your husband was for people. Your husband, were you in college, or were you done? - I was done with college. - You were done, but Jacob was still in college. - Yes. - Okay. So like, for some people, that would be like, stressful and whatever for them. - Yes. - And they couldn't do that. - Absolutely. - But like, for you, that doesn't bother you. - Yes. - So like, it works out. Like, as you're dating, or as you're getting to know someone, like, you do know what stresses you out. You do know your weaknesses. You do know, I don't know, I think there's just wisdom in that. And so like, if you know that something like money, and not necessarily in a bad way, but just like, if you know that that is something that stresses you out, not that you depend solely on money, but if you know that money is a huge stresser for you, and you want that kind of confidence. - If it's gonna affect you. - If it's gonna affect you a lot, then it is wise. In your case, you know, to, you know, take time. And the Lord will help you through that, whether it's to get married young and have no money, or to wait until you are more secure, maybe financially. So yeah, it's absolutely situational. I wouldn't tell anyone ever to get married young, 'cause I don't think that that's wise, but it's definitely situational. And it depends on the people. - So when would you say that a couple is ready for marriage? - Oh. Well, the funny thing is, is in your balance-- - Yeah. - In wisdom. - Your hands, since I'm a professional. - 'Cause I haven't married for a year. - I would, not that you're ever just 100% ready for marriage, just 'cause I don't think anyone is, just like, nobody's really ever truly ready for kids, or ready for this, or you could-- - You've never done it before. - Yeah, I mean, you're never just like, I've done it. I'm here, I'm ready for marriage. Like, it's just, it's not quite like that. I think it's more about your ability to handle situations. I guess, for example, like, I think humility is a huge part of marriage. Letting go of your pride of being a servant to the Lord and to your spouse is a huge part. So like, if you are in your relationship with this person, and you see a regular pattern of serving and humility and able to communicate, and like, relationally, I think when you are kind of at a point like that, it's good to start maybe considering marriage. I think you can step into marriage, and it goes smoothly. Of course, absolutely talk about like the big topics that you need to discuss. Make sure you're on the same page. Beliefs, values, goals in life, even like similarities. What do you want out of life? You know that kind of thing. I think once you've crossed all those off, and you know that you're on the same page, or at least like, compatible. Like, you might have different desires and stuff in life because if y'all can work together in that. And then like, physically meaning like, career job money, you know that kind of thing. Very situational. But I think, because one thing that I found I guess financially because that's a big concern when it comes to like, being married young, is just that you're open to making sacrifices financially. You know, like, I'm willing to accept that you might not get everything you want or something. And personally, surprisingly, it's probably just the word helping us. But like, I have not felt a huge blow to my finances from being single to having someone else in my life. Like, and being married. Like, I have not felt much of a difference at all. - On one, on the one, yeah. - We have one income. And it's not very much, let me just say. It's not very much, not grand. We're very blessed to have a very affordable place to live. You know, there's certain things, and his parents are still paying for some of his like, insurance and his college. So like, we do have a situation that's different than some. - Mm-hmm. - So I'm not just saying anyone at this age can do it, but our situation has allowed us to do it. But yeah, when you're ready, really just boils on to sacrifice. And that's in financially and relationally. - Yeah. - Sounds good. I agree. I feel like a lot of it is just like personal. - Absolutely. - Personal. - I wanna say conviction, but like, yeah. - Oh, Rani, let's see. So as far as going backwards into like engagement season, like the wedding, 'cause that's kind of where I am right now. - Right. - So I'm asking for a friend. But what was the hardest thing for you about your engagement and about wedding planning, like how that season, and then what was like the easiest and most rewarding? - Give me the two, like, pros and cons. - Yeah, pros and cons. Let's start with the busheling we know. Let's start with cons so we can interline it. So the hardest part for engagement. I will say I think financially it's a little bit of a struggle because, oh my gosh, the wedding industry is nuts. Like if you want anything, it's like $1,000 more. - Did you see that? Did I send you that? I think I sent it to you too. The video of that girl and she was like walking around and she was like, oh, the venue and she, it was like wedding, her venue planners would be like, and the girl was walking around and she was like, so this wall, it's not included. If you don't want it, like if you can't pay for it, we have to bust it out. I'm just like, look at that right there, not included, that's gonna be extra. - None of this is included. All of this has to be bought extra. If you wanna be upfront with you, that we will have to remove the walls. If you don't end up paying for the walls, they flatten them out, you just won't have walls. - But it's, it really is crazy how expensive it is. And so I think there's some stress in like, oh my gosh, how are we gonna afford this, especially when you were in your twenties and getting married when young and getting married is like, oh my gosh, like I didn't have the time to say for this, I didn't have an again situational, like we're gonna say that word a lot. But like for me at least, financially, I didn't have just a ton of money to work with and I know that the girl, girl's family, whatever typically pays for the wedding and stuff. And my situation was different. My parents were getting a divorce in the middle of me getting married. So there was, and that does play a little bit into the hardest part for me when it came to engagement and marriage and life was just, that so much was going on for me, that it was difficult to not have a whole family together to help me through the process. It was difficult to not have the finances to be able to have the wedding that I thought I was gonna be able to have, you know that kind of thing. So I feel like my answer is a little different than most, but it is hard to navigate finances. Like what do we want the most? And you'll just have to find out what you prioritize. Like do you prioritize pictures more than flowers? Or do you prioritize how many people are there versus do you want a ton of food? You know, like it's just this game of having to see what you prioritize what's most important and what do you want the most, I guess. And it's just hard to figure that out. - That's where I am right now, 'cause I am wedding planning. And it is really like, okay, well, when I'd rather have this place or when I'd rather have, okay, 'cause it's a great place, but it's like 150 people. Or would I rather have like a, like other place to like everyone can come out. - But not everyone there. - Yeah. - And it's just like you just have to like, they're not really a right or wrong answer. - Absolutely. And that's just, that can be very overwhelming. And that does depend a little bit too on your timeline. Like are you getting married soon? Or do you have a year to plan? Like, so that goes into it as well. - I don't have any cons. I guess another thing of being engaged that I just did not like, sorry. I mean, it's okay. - Engage, but engagement is sweet. Engage is very sweet, but it just felt so, I guess like the anticipation was so exciting, but it also felt just like, oh my gosh, make this be any slow work. - Like, especially towards the end, man, I was, I was not having it, because I was just like, this just feels so silly. Like, I feel ready to be married to him. - But like, we're waiting 'cause we have to do. - But we're waiting because like, the day is just like, a month and a half wet, but like, we're ready. Like, everything's planned. And so like, that whole waiting was just like, ugh. - I got so mad sometimes. I'm like, why am I driving home from his house right now? And we could just be married. We could just be together. And here I am late at night, tired, like very emotional anyway. Yeah, get your sleep. So that was some cons. Pros, it was very, very sweet to see the Lord, like bless us and help us. 'Cause like I mentioned before, going through divorce in my family, finances weren't there. You know, not that the support wasn't there, but it was more like, I mean, when you have a whole family, you have a team that can help you depend on, 'cause I was actually planning on having my wedding in my parents' backyard. And so once the divorce kind of was final, I was just like, I'm not gonna do that. So it just literally put everything in the air for me. - 'Cause when you had to change your date too, like, yeah. 'Cause we were planning on getting married in October, for whatever reason, I don't remember. But then I also was like, that's way too far away. So we were moving away closer. And what really changed it was Jacob still being in school, because if we got married in October, then he was gonna be in the middle of midterms to the middle of us getting married. I was like, heck no. So we just got married in the beginning of the summer. But, so yeah, that changed a lot of things. But with everything being in the air for me, it was so confusing, frustrating, scary, you know, planning on having a free venue, my parents' backyard too, like, oh my gosh, now I have to pay for a venue with what finances, like, anyway, anyway. But the Lord was able to provide in such a sweet way that he just, like, cares for us so much, which blows my mind, like, I'm thinking like, it was just a wedding, like, why would God care, blah, blah, but like, he does, he does care, and he wants to give you good gifts. And so my uncle and aunt owned a wedding venue. And so we were able to book there, and it was very discounted because of family. We had somebody give us, honestly, a lot of money, just out of the kinds of their hearts. They donated that money to us. And it was, that was honestly what was able to make us have a wedding, it was a small wedding, and it was sweet. But that right there was the way that we were able to have a wedding, and a honeymoon, honestly. And just seeing the way people were able to step in, 'cause, like, our flowers was my sister's mother-in-law works with like flowers and stuff, and she gave us a really heavily discounted price. And so, like, just seeing the Lord work through other people to help us have this day, and to make it not just like, 'cause we could've just gone to the courthouse, we could've just had just family, and like a few friends. Like, the fact that God was wanting to bless us and have us have a voice in that, yeah, 'cause it's a celebration, and God loves marriage. So, it was just sweet. That was my favorite part of engagement, was watching people bless us through the Lord, I guess. So, or the Lord bless us through people. - Yeah. - That's more realistic. - And I gave them the opportunity, almost. - Yes, and it was just so sweet. - So, when you can chip in at any time, I'll just read my other questions. - I don't have much to add, so. - I'm just listening. - Looking back at, like, kind of where you are, well, actually, first, what is something that you've learned just like in the first year of marriage? Or was it, was there something that you were like, oh, I didn't expect it to be like this, like negative or positive? But just like, was there something that kind of was a surprise to you, like, after getting married? Or just like in general, like, what is something that you've learned in just this first year? - Okay, so, Julia, like, what's your biggest takeaway? Learn-wise? - Yeah. - Sure, for the year. - Oh, gosh. There's just so much that I've learned this past year. It's like not even funny about myself, about Jacob, just about, I don't know. I guess the number one-- - I guess we could have had him on. - But that would have been funny. - I didn't even think about that. - That would have been hilarious. - Oh, my gosh. - Why don't we do that? Oh, whatever, it's in the-- - Sorry, Rachel, I'm sorry. - Shout out to Jacob. - Your voice matters. - We hear you, we don't. - Let's start. - We hear you, continue. - Um, I guess, well, honestly, being in a newlywed Sunday school led by Jacob Stan Hunkle, which is funny, they have taught us so much. They're just going through a curriculum, and they're just going through all the points that you could potentially have troubles in your marriage, or what to work on, communication. We're like, today's Sunday school lesson, today's Sunday. Today's Sunday school lesson was about like manipulation, and like, it calls you out, and it's going through like manipulation, like, are you manipulating? 'Cause like, honestly, everyone kind of is in a way. And so like, learning in the ways that you're manipulating and like, how to fix that, and in a biblical sense, like, where can we find manipulation in the Bible? And like, how can we fix that? How can we have God help us in that? Help us to stop manipulating, not to manipulate. But anyway, so that's just an example of like, practical marriage advice has been so helpful. So, I guess what I've learned, that I'm one thing I've learned is just that I'm selfish. And that is so highlighted in relationships, but especially marriage. Like, because there's a difference, you can feel pretty righteous when you're single, you know? Like, I'm doing pretty good, and you are sometimes, but when someone, you're responsible for somebody else. You have a responsibility to serve and love someone. Like, Jesus loves them every day, all day. And it's just like, oh my gosh, I need Jesus so bad. So, that was a pretty big takeaway. Was just that like, I, in the best way possible, like, I'm not as good as I thought. And that is good for me to realize, meaning I need the Lord desperately to be able to serve. 'Cause like, literally marriage is fueled by, a good marriage is fueled by service. Like, literally that's all it is. People, it can be daunting and scary and complicated feeling, but like, it is fueled by service. - Right down. - Yeah, right that down. And tattoo it on your forehead, I don't care. But like, that is the only way you'll make it. And I say that as a one-year married person, but I also say that as a daughter of some parents who didn't make it. And Jake's parents have made it, and they have a beautiful relationship and a beautiful marriage. And that's what they told us, was to serve God, serve his spouse every single day. It boils down to that. So, I learned that in dating Jacob because I heard his parents say it, and I've continued to watch them as a married couple and as a family live that out day in and day out. And that's huge, and that's it. We've put that into practice and it does help. A lot of people say that the first year of marriage is the hardest, and for some people it is. Doesn't make me better than them by any means, but I'm just saying we were able to have that advice given to us, and we were able to put it into practice and it absolutely helped. And it helped our first year be wonderful. So, I guess learning that that's actually how it works is - No, that's good. - Serving. - That's true, 'cause I feel like when you're by yourself, like you can kind of like do your thing and it's not that big of a deal. But when you're forced to like be with someone and work with someone and everything, you're like, I actually have to fix this issue. - No, yeah, that's exactly what it is. It is a pressure and a obligation responsibility to meet better- - 'Cause now it affects another person, yeah. - Or even just thinking about having kids want it. It's like, I have to be better because I don't want to be some traumatized, I haven't worked on myself, need therapy mother. You know what I'm saying? Like, I need to work on myself now. And so it's like that kind of same mentality of like, oh, I have a husband, he, I'm his wife and I need to be the best I can be. Or not even that, but just like if the Lord's convicting me in something, I'm like, oh. Instead of just being like, wow, God, I'm sorry. Like, I need to be better. Like, please help me with that. I'm gonna just focus on you. A lot of it too is like repenting, yes to God, then repenting to your spouse and saying like, hey, I'm sorry, I've been selfish. Or hey, I shouldn't have said the thing I said earlier or I need to be better in this capacity. Can you help me keep me accountable? And so there's a lot of more vocalizing and that's very difficult because you don't want to admit those things about yourself. But it's huge, it's huge in helping you be a better person and to be a disciple of Christ. But it's just, it can be a little uncomfortable at times but it's very good for you. - Just like not putting, or I guess putting others before yourself and like serving them. 'Cause I feel like today, I feel like people either, like they just, they don't want to get married or they do want to get married, but it's like, I don't know. 'Cause nowadays we have a lot of the, like people, they move in together and then they have a kid and like then they get married. And so I don't know where we got twisted in that and why, like, I don't know why people, they could be a safe to think, or like a-- - Like a security blanket? - Yeah, like I'm nervous to get married or this commitment is scary. - Well, what do you think it is about marriage that scares people? - I think, I think because the divorce rate is so high and a lot of people are aged are, but probably have divorce parents. So they, if they don't have the right guidance through that, then they can see marriage as the bad thing. They can see it as the issue. You know, marriage is the problem. And so it's the commitment that's scary, I think, because committing is intimidating. Even when you know without a doubt that this person is for you and God's place in your life to be your husband or your wife, it's still intimidating because you're like, dang, this is a commitment, this is lifelong, this is forever type of thing. And so I think it's the commitment that's intimidating and because it's giving yourself, when we talked about this before how like, oh my gosh, I just left Juney's. - Yeah. - Oh, about people not getting married? - Oh no, they're getting married. - Oh, yes, okay, I remember. How people like, almost, like they've almost done the complete reverse opposite to where they're like harming the appeal of marriage and everything because people are like, they really want to make sure you're ready. And so they're like, you know, marriage is in all hearts and rainbows. Like marriage is hard work. - And I've said too much to where it's like, okay, what is good about marriage is marriage. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Like that bad, like that I need like a warning, like. - Yeah, why is everyone just saying like, you just prepare, it's going to be the worst. - You're never going to get to. - Yeah, I'm like, let's, like I understand a healthy balance of that. - Yes. - But like let's also talk about the good and like, 'cause like you said, like the Lord created marriage and the Lord loves marriage and it's a different kind of blessing than like just all the other ones. And it's like, let's talk about that and like, - Absolutely. - Not the other so much. - Because I think when, I think people might give you that criticism or encouragement question mark or warning because they care, even though it's coming across in a weird way, not always, but I'm just saying. I think it's typical to be like, oh, just be careful or oh, just make sure you're ready. Just like you're saying, it's that it hopefully comes from a good place in their heart. - Or even in like high school or college, like Chloe, I don't know if you experienced this growing up, but like people, like I feel like the ministers, they almost talk too much about, which this is true for most people or some people, I guess, but they have the whole like, everybody wants a boyfriend, everyone wants a girlfriend, everyone wants a blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And so they're trying to like pull back the reins and be like, y'all, like take advantage of your singleness and blah, blah, blah, blah. But then they almost do it too much to where they're like, you know, use this time now and pull a ball. - Because when you get married, you can't serve the Lord at all. - You can't do anything, you know? - When you're married, you can't go on mission trips back. - Yeah, totally give me a thing, like, it's called to take advantage of the season. But it can be, if pushed too much, it can seem like, live now, because you can't later. - Watch out, watch out, watch out. - Yeah, watch out, watch out, watch out! - Oh yeah, I do agree. - I have always been like, completely and totally, like, probably too content, being single. Like, I just truly like being single. I've never really met a guy that I'm just like, oh, I have to date, like, I have to have him. Like, I'm never happy to. (laughing) And so, I never, like, not that I ever thought, like, marriage, but I didn't want to get married. Like, I've always wanted to get married and always like, seeing that that's, you know, from the ward, but I do agree that I wish, maybe growing up more, that like, it hadn't, it wouldn't have been like, oh, you have forever to get married, like, don't worry about that. Like, in a sense, that's true. But it's also like, I do wish that they would speak more about, like, the positives of marriage and like, why it's important and why it's a thing, because I feel like there are a lot of people like me that like, want to get married, but like, aren't in a rush that it kind of just like, pushes that even farther down the list because in church it is kind of like, you know, I don't know. I don't know even how to describe it, but I guess just how I grew up, it was more of just like a, you know, a forever, don't have a boyfriend, don't date, you don't want me that. And it's like, that's like, not a bad thing to tell teenagers, but it's also like, you can also do both at the same time. Yeah. (laughing) - Yeah, there needs to be a healthy balance of it, of like, you know, 'cause we all, I think, look towards marriage, mainly because it's just the next thing to do, not so much, because of the goodness in it. - Yeah. - Because why God has called us. It's not called to everyone to marriage, but I'm just saying like, it is a true blessing from the lure. So let's talk about that. That should be the driving force between behind marriage and getting married, not, well, I graduated, or well, you know. - We have been dating for five years. - Yeah, well, I want to have kids, so I gotta find someone, you know, it's, I think it's more of, we just expect it because it's the next thing where it's going to happen versus like, there's so much goodness in this. Let me prepare for it versus like, I don't know, take advantage of where I am now. - And that's my thing too. - Where I am now. - It's like a thing, but. - Right. - Yeah, I completely agree with you, 'cause like, I'm 22, graduated. And people are like, what's the like, when are you gonna like meet someone and get married? I'm like, I don't know, like, whenever I meet the person that I want to marry, you know? - Yeah, you don't just like, you don't just like, decide to get married one day. Like, I have to like, meet the right person to get married. I'm not just gonna get married to check the box and like, move on. And I feel like that's kind of, you know, you graduate high school when you go to college, and then you graduate college when you get married. - Mm-hmm. - And like, I feel like society kind of. - And that does not happen. - Yeah, I feel like society is kind of like, all right, like, get married, and it's like, well, like, we should be, like, and then, you know, people like you that are young and get married, then it's like, don't get married, you're too young, and it's like, people like, it's like, you can't have- - What are you having? What are you having? - Yes. - 'Cause when you have your kids- - What do you want us to do? - Oh. - Yeah, how am I supposed to win? - Yeah. - You don't, you don't. (laughs) - You just live for the bobs. - That's the truth. - That's all you need. - No, it's true. I think we need to figure that out. I don't really know what the answer is, but, 'cause I think that was one of my things, 'cause it's kind of like Chloe. I remember growing up and like, I was kind of zoned out on the youth group and the college sessions about singleness, because, personally, like, I was fine. Like, I never, kind of like Chloe, like, there was never anyone that I was just like, yes. Like, there was no number, like, and I wasn't really interested in that, and I don't know. But yeah, like, for me, it was like, that's all they did was talk about that, and then they never talked about, like, marriage and like, how it's good. And then I don't even have to talk about, like, girlfriend's boyfriend's dating, 'cause there was plenty of dating sessions. And like, I don't know if that's too early, maybe in high school, but just like, I don't know, just like talking about marriage, like just for what it is and like what it means. And I like what you said about, like, people don't want to get married because of what marriage is. It's just like the next thing to do. And I think that's true for, like, a lot of people today. And that's so, it's a little scary entering marriage with that mindset, because I think that's when you will have all the struggles, like the first year being the hardest, that might be true in your case, because you walked in, not prepared, or you walked in thinking, like, oh, I'm gonna get a husband, or I'm gonna get a wife, sweet, like, just add that to how they can benefit me, or how that can benefit me versus how can I serve them. And one thing I was thinking of while you were talking about how y'all were like chill being single, and how y'all didn't super relate to that at the moment, like, I do wonder, and not this case for everyone, but, like, I was boy crazy for, like, my whole entire life. I know Megan can, like, attest to this. Like, I was always thinking about boys. I was one of a boyfriend. Like, I was just, and I was reading my middle school journal the other day. - Oh, never good. - Never a good idea, won't you? It was a good idea, because it helped me have some hindsight, and it was also evil. I just was like, I wish I could talk to Little Shelby and just tell her it's gonna be okay. Like, chill out, first of all, second of all, that series. - You know what it never was? That's serious, it was never that serious. - Never that serious, and you got a wonderful guy, and you got married, like, I seriously was just so, I couldn't, and I even wrote one time, 'cause I read the other day, so I had it fresh on my mind, but I said, I just wish I could not think about boys. Like, why can't I not just chill and live my life and not care about boys? And so, part of me wonders if, you know, the Lord had for my path was to get married early, because that was such a, not a burden or a problem, but it was just such a concern of mine. It was on my mind a lot. It was just, even when I tried to just, like, sit down and chill the heck out, I, like, almost couldn't have anything. I was always thinking, like, was that my boyfriend? Will he be my boyfriend? You know, like, I was just crazy. So, that is funny, too, 'cause I feel like, for me, like, being your friend, when you hear about people getting married young, some people, you're like, oh, god, like, how fun, but I feel like, for you and, like, our friend, Sarah, like, both of y'all got married kind of around the same time, and, like, but that never was a concern to me. Like, I was, like, oh, of the people that are gonna do that, like, they are fine. - Yeah. - Like, you know. - I'm glad you saw that. - I'm glad you saw that. - I'm glad you saw that. - I'm glad you saw that, I'm glad you saw that. - I know about Jacob, but at least getting one half of him. He's not hearing the difference, it's awesome. But anyways. - Did I say something you wish you knew to be that? - I think we kind of talked about that, like, the, well, we talked about what's one thing I learned, one thing I wish I knew. - Okay, yeah, what's something you wish you knew? Like, if you could go back, not like as far back as Little Shelby with a diary, but, like, just like. - One thing I knew. - Oh. - Before marriage. - Yeah. - Comparison is, like, when the Bible talks about the comparison being a thief of joy, like, that is so true. And I know that that's applicable to every season of life. You don't have to be married to understand that that is-- - That is our verse for the season three. (laughing) - No, seriously, because, yeah, because, like, we're talking about all these different things that you can be and do in your 20s and how they're all different. But that doesn't make them bad. - No. - So, like, comparison. Sorry, continue. - No, that's so true. And that's something, like I was saying, is so true for any age, any timeframe, any season of life. And I think in marriage, it is still there. And even, like, I'm just trying to think of some examples. Like, I mean, even to just get, like, a little personal, I keep it clean. But, like, even when it comes to intimacy in marriage, like, you can hear either people's stories or different things or movies or songs. And you can just have this idea of what it should or shouldn't be. And then, when you enter this season of life or stage of life where that is a part of your life, it can be so easy. Like, Satan can come in so easily and just tell you all these lies of, like, what it should be, shouldn't be, or they're better than you or you-- Anyway, or it's just such a season where you have a lot of confusion or a lot of new things going on anyway. And so comparing, like, oh, well, they take more pictures in their marriage or, oh, they go on more trips or, oh, they have a nice house and we're still in someone's, like, garage. Like, you know, like, it's really easy to compare. And that can be, that can be very dangerous. And that's something I wish I had been more, I could have prepared myself a little bit more on or just been more intentional. Where to catch it? Because it took me a while to be like, oh my gosh, like, that is not my job. Their marriage is not my concern. Like, as long as me and Jacob are doing what the Lord wants and we are the best place we can be and not worry so much about what they're doing or what we're not doing or what. But yeah, it just essentially occurs. And so it's just watch out for that, I guess. That's one thing I wish I knew. No, it was good. Yeah, I liked that. Um, let's see. Any other further thoughts? It was a good note to end on. But just to end us on a positive, fun little note, you're 20 to almost 23 and married. So what is your favorite thing about being married? Gosh, um, there's so many things. Like, gosh, I wish I could really boil it down to one thing. One of my favorite things, how sweet it is to just have someone, kind of like I had mentioned earlier, how sweet it is to have someone to just live life with. And how that's just such a sweet gift or it gave us my favorite thing. Um, this is not just like a huge overarching, like, concept, but it's just one thing. Like, my favorite thing is just getting in bed and then going to sleep. But like, you know, when you have sleepover and you're your best friend and you're just talking, talking about your day and you're just like goofing off and being silly and stuff. Like, that does happen in marriage, too. Like, I mean, it's your best friend. So like, if we just get in bed and we watch, like, videos on Instagram, and we just like laugh and goof off. And so like, that's just one of the sweetest parts for me. It's just being like, wow, like, I'm just a girl. I'm just a boy. And we're just like best friends and we like get to live together. And we have spend the nights, everything on night. And it's just so sweet and so fun and car rides together. And we just spent the week typically have busy weekends in this past week and we had a really slow one. And I was just so grateful that like, wow, I really get to live a life with you. Like, if I want to go on a picnic, I go on a picnic with you. Or if I get to go to the grocery store, I get to go to the grocery store with you. And it's fun and it's just really sweet, really fun. It is a huge gift from the award that he didn't have to give us, but he did. And it is used to glorify himself. And it's just so sweet. Like, that's just the one word I can think about. It's just, it's so sweet. And I love it so much. And it's the best. So yeah, for everything you hear about how bad marriage is, just ignore it. It's so good. It's good. Well, really? Well, thank you so many for coming on. Did you have fun? I did. I was a little scared. I was a little scared. I feel like I totally rambled so so sorry. No, it was pretty. It was pretty. No, I love talking about marriage. It's so sweet. So I'm happy to have the opportunity because like I said, it's not talked about enough in the positive light. So I'm very passionate about marriage. It's very interesting. I know we're finishing up, but it is very interesting how you, like, I remember when we talked when it was happening, like, just at the coffee shop or something, like, while you're preparing to get married and then you have the counter of like your parents' marriage, not. So you've got the two, like, yeah, that was a little contrasting, weird things. But you, like, we talked about it and you were never super, which prays God, but you were never super affected by that because I feel like some people, like, if it were, like me and my parents' marriage were, like, going downhill while I'm in the process of getting married, I'd be like, oh my gosh, do I want to get married? Like, is this something, like, yeah, that's going to happen to me or, you know, whatever, like, that kind of thing, I feel like it would be in my mind, but I feel like for you, you were good. And then, would you attest to, like, you saw an example of, like, Jacob's parents and so that was... Yes, yes. And before I met Jacob, I think I was more scared of the marriage because of, like, you're saying, saying how marriage doesn't work or it's not working, it was very, like, oh, my gosh, like, this is something I thought I wanted, but do I want this? And, like, if this is what it is, then I don't want it, you know, that type of thing. But also, another thing that made me confident that Jacob was the one was, like, how, when it came to him, I had complete peace about marriage, because, like, I just knew with a confidence, like, the Lord also gave me peace of course, because I know that he's the answer to having a good marriage, if I have him, we can make it work. But mainly, too, it was just, I'm so confident in Jacob's character that I didn't have any fear of it turning ugly, I guess. And that wasn't always the case when I was dating someone or interested in someone. If I thought down the road because I saw how real and hard marriage can be, and I thought about, like, okay, let me just think in the future, if it was me and this person, I would feel that. I would feel scared. I would feel like a little sick to myself, just like, I just can't, like, that could be a realistic possibility for us, like, I saw it as a possibility. But then with Jacob, because he's so kind, he's so nurturing, he's so loving, so selfless, he's a little angel, half the person he is, I just had such confidence that it was going to be okay. And not that life won't get hard, not that we won't have our ups and downs, but it's just like, I know that we'll be okay, and I'm confident in his character. So it's one thing when you're dating someone or engaged, it's like, do you feel like you trust them? Do you feel like, I don't know, just like confidence in the character, are you truly confident in their character? And that it will withstand time. So that was helpful. I liked the word piece. I liked the word piece. Yeah. That's a good word to use. Yeah. That's how I, because I, I'm not very like, goshie feely romance, but just like naturally. And I remember, like, I had dated some guys in the past and I were going on dates or whatever, and I remember dating Slade. And it wasn't like, oh my gosh, I love it. Like it wasn't like that. It was more like, why am I okay with being here still? Like, why am I trying to escape a girl? Okay. I actually feel calm, and it was more like that than it was. Absolutely. I mean, it's true because I had like, I'm, there was a guy when I was, we were dating and I was so stressed out and I was like, I don't know how it's going to like go or whatever. And like, I was thinking down the road, like I'll have to make like, I don't really trust him to make a decision on his own, like, without me, like, I don't think I would agree or like, you know, you think about all that stuff, but like now with Slade, like, I asked Slade for things or like to, you know, instead of the other, yeah, because I thought I would have to be like, the woman of house or whatever, and I don't want to be because I'm just a girl. Yeah. But no, that's true. I like that word piece though. Because it's so, that is the thing that I think helps navigate relationships and knowing to start or to stop or to continue because I, even when we were engaged in about to get married, I was just kind of like, like I mentioned previously, like it is still daunting. Even if you know that they're the person for you, you can be like, oh, this is terrifying. But then I was like, but the Lord would have, the Lord would have convicted me if I'm not supposed to be a Jacob. Like he wouldn't just let me get this far. Yeah. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. With him not being the person for me. Like I wouldn't have peace. I'd be stressed out, you know, all that kind of stuff. And so I think following peace is huge when it comes to relationships and knowing how to navigate that. That sounds true. Very good. Alrighty. Well, thanks for having me. This is fun. Yeah. You're welcome. Thanks for coming. Yeah. Well, shall we say goodbye to the people? Bye people. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. I'm kidding. Alrighty. We'll see you all next time. Bye. Bye. (upbeat music)
