Custody is a Marathon, Not a Sprint – Episode 299 of the Divorce University Online Podcast. The Courts have both short-term and long-term issues to resolve in custody cases. When cases start of with a “bang” like a domestic violence filing or emergency orders, the Court is looking at short-term issues. When the outcome is unfavorable to us, we often panic and begin doing things that sink us in the long-term issues. In this episode, I’ll discuss these two perspectives and help you avoid the pitfalls. To learn more about how I can support you in achieving success in your custody matter, please schedule a free strategy session at www.divorceuniversityonline.com/vip-coaching. Thanks for listening!
Divorce University Online
Custody is a Marathon, Not a Sprint
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We have the short term pieces of custody that have to be figured out and then we can have the permanent issues that have to be figured out. And I think that that's what this kind of speaks to. So before I dig into this more, let me remind you, if you are listening to the podcast, don't forget to rate and review me and also subscribe so that you're notified as new episodes are released. And if you're watching me on YouTube, don't forget to also hit like on this video and subscribe to the channel so you get notified as new content is released. Content is a little bit different on the podcast versus the YouTube. So whichever one of those you're on, you might want to go check out the other one, okay? So with custody, you know, what happens is we go in, usually in the very beginning, and a lot of times cases tend to start off with a bang, all right, is again, how Thomas used to describe this. And what happens is a lot of times we're coming in front of the court either on a domestic violence issue or some sort of emergency custody issue. And so the court has very limited information, right, very limited amount of time to kind of make immediate decisions that are going to stabilize everything and give the court an opportunity to get evidence from each side. Here each side's, you know, version of the story, gather more information and figure out what kind of order needs to be in place. And then even once that order is put in place, we're still sort of marching to a permanent order, which is judgment in your case. And so the final judgment orders sometimes will look a little different than the temporary, you know, the short term ones. So the short term ones do tend to kind of carry the day most of the time, but not the like immediate emergency ones. Those don't always carry the day, okay? So, and I think that what happens is a lot of times we go in and these emergency or DV situations and something really bad in our opinion happens, right? We get some outcome that we really didn't want or we really can't believe the court even ordered because we didn't really do anything in the other parents making up all the stuff and whatever we perceive it to be, right? And then what happens is we get fear around this, right? Because what creates fear in a parent more than taking away their children. Not much for most parents, I know. And so it creates a lot of fear and then we become reactive. And when we become reactive, then the court kind of goes, "Well, you're not exactly playing nice yourself. You're being overreactive. Maybe some of the allegations this other parents making have some validity because look how crazy you're behaving." And, you know, in a way we can understand that is, you know, it kind of makes the court think that maybe there are concerns. But on the other hand, it is really difficult because of course you're going to be emotional if you have your child taken away from you that you're used to seeing every day and now suddenly you don't see them for weeks, right? And so for the court, what they're trying to figure out is, is there any emergency situation? Is the child in any kind of harm, you know, is there a risk to their safety and all those kinds of things? And sometimes it's not even that the court necessarily thinks that there definitely is. It's that the court has to use what we call an abundance of caution. So they have to go, you know, "I don't really know what's going on. But on a temporary basis, I'm going to put the kids with this parent. This parent's going to have supervised visitation. And then we're going to take some time to sort all this out and figure out what's going on and make the right orders." Now, when you're the parent that's losing the time with them, when you're on that end of it, that feels really bad. And it can be really difficult, especially if you didn't do anything in your opinion and you're really, you really try as hard as you can to be the best parent you can possibly be, that feels really bad. But the way that we have to frame this is we have to understand the way the court views it. And in the court's view, it's sort of like, well, you know, is the child being away from the other parent for three or four weeks optimal, or being on supervised visitation optimal? No, but I don't really know if there's anything to be concerned about at this point. So trading three or four weeks of time for one parent versus having this child put in an abusive situation or in a safe situation where their safety is at risk because one of the parents is unstable in some way. Mmm, I'll take the risk of maybe taking away the time unfairly, I guess, is a good word to use in that short interim of three to four weeks rather than risk putting the child in an unsafe situation. So when you look at it in that context, you can kind of understand it a little bit more, although again, if you're the parent on the receiving end of losing your parenting time, that doesn't necessarily feel so good, right? So what we tend to focus on is that short term thing that happens and then we start to worry and become afraid that the long term orders are going to go in the same direction. And so a lot of times we'll start trying to do things to control that short term outcome. Only the irony of that is I find most of the time when people are trying to do things to intentionally control or show what's happening, it actually can make it worse. And so a lot of times people are asking me, what do I do? And my answer to that a lot of times is do nothing. Do nothing because here's the reality of the situation. If you're a good stable parent, okay, and you're not a drug addict and you're not an alcoholic and you're not beating your kids and none of those things, and you're trying your best every day as much as you can to be the best parent you can be, understanding that we all lose our temper, we all yell at our kids, we all do things that we shouldn't at times or that we're not out of as a parent, okay, but those are normal things. And so if you're doing all of those things, then you don't need to try to show anything because you're already doing everything that you should and that's going to come through in your behaviors, your interactions with the kids and the way you're conducting yourself because you're always going to be conducting yourself in a way that is best for the children, right, where you're going, okay, how can I be the best parent I could be? And the court will usually recognize that in the long term orders. Again, in the short term, they don't know you, they haven't had enough time to gather information and they're just taking the approach of an abundance of caution until they figure out what's going on. So in the long term orders, they will have more of a chance to dig in and kind of figure out the dynamics of the situation and what's going on. And you know, another quote from my husband is he would always say the relationship is king. You know, so when you're in a custody situation, your relationship with the kids is what really will be the biggest factor in determining the outcome. Because if the other parent doesn't have as, you know, as involved a relationship and they're not the parent that has been there and been showing up and doing the doctor's appointments and doing all these things, then that's going to come through in the interactions, right? So and I'm not saying that it's not sometimes a battle and you have a custody evaluator or you have attorney for the children or you have all these different people involved. But I think what happens is a lot of times we're so worried about, oh, how do I make this person see what's going on that that actually backfires on you? And so again, we're going for the long term outcome, right? If if in the short term, you don't have the greatest outcome or you don't get what you're looking for, that sucks, but it's fine. And a lot of times those short term situations that happen will actually expose the true colors of the other parent. If they are lying, they are making up things and all this kind of stuff, this is going to expose them for what it really is in the short term. And so you have to kind of let it happen and let it play out. And when you go in front of someone like a custody evaluator or an attorney for the children or any of that, I had a client that I was prepping for that for a custody eval the other day and they were like, well, and I was talking to mom in this situation and she was like, well, you know, he's so good at, you know, talking his way out of things and convincing people and being charismatic and this is something I hear a lot when people are dealing with a narcissistic act. They always talk about how that narcissistic act is very charismatic, very charming, you know, able to win people over only when we're talking about a child custody situation, this isn't just a matter of who presents the best, you know, or who comes across the best. This really comes down to the actual parenting and interactions with the children. So for instance, in a custody eval, a lot of times one of the things that you get asked is, you know, who's the, who's the children's pediatrician? Who's the children's dentist? You know, are they in therapy? If so, who's their therapist? Who's the children's teachers? How many doctors appointments do they have a year? How many of those appointments do you attend? You know, those types of behaviors are what tell the court and other child custody experts whether you're really all about being a parent or whether you have other priorities. Because if you're all about being a parent, guess what? You're showing up for those doctor's appointments. I don't think I ever miss a doctor's appointment of one of my children. I mean, mainly because they wouldn't have gone if I had taken over, right? There's a doctor's appointment. I'm the one taking them. That was the one showing up. He showed up occasionally if he could manage it when he was off work or when he could take off work if he could that day or whatever. But he didn't go, oh, there's an appointment on July 25th at 2 p.m. I got to block out my schedule so that I can be present for that, you know, because that's my child's appointment. And so these are the things that in the marathon situation get you the outcome you're looking for because the court sees that you're the parent that's involved. You're the parent that's going to the parent teacher conferences that's showing up for the doctor's appointments. That's taking them to karate or dance every week or whatever that looks like. And the other parent not only isn't showing up for those things, but doesn't even know who those experts or people that are involved are. So that person can go in in the short term and they can make some, you know, random claim that's untrue and maybe get short term leverage because the court goes, uh, I don't really know what's going on at this point. I've got to protect the kid. I'm going to put them with this parent that's making the accusation and have the other parent on supervised visitation. And you know, in, but in the long haul, that's not going to carry that parent all the way through to the final custody order. But if you get put on supervised visitation and then you react by either being angry, attacking the other parent or being hysterical or, you know, panicking or calling the police every other day or doing all these different things that show drama and chaos. The court's going to be like, wow, there's all this drama and chaos with the other parent. This parent seems to be more stable. So I'm going to put the child with this parent because the other parent is just being totally chaotic. Well, you're being totally chaotic because you're emotional. But again, like I said, while that's understandable from a certain perspective, the problem is is that then you start to lose your credibility with the court and then things actually go worse for you, not better. So in most of this, I'm not saying that you shouldn't be worried about the short term. You know, I think you always, you know, want to present the best that you can and do everything you can to show what the reality of the situation is in your parenting. But over the long haul, that's the part you really need to be focused on because that's the part that's going to determine what your parenting plan is moving forward, right? The long term aspect. So when the court is dealing with this, they're trying to deal with both the sprint and the marathon of the situation, right? And those two things are dealt with differently. But because of how the court deals with the sprint, again, sometimes we go into panic mode and we end up hurting ourselves in the marathon. So if you can take a marathon view and a marathon approach to this from the very beginning and know that some of the hiccups and some of the things that happen during the sprint are things that will work themselves out over the long haul. That will help you stay more grounded and be able to actually advocate for yourself, okay? Because I do think that there is a lot of value in being able to advocate for yourself. And that doesn't mean you want to step over the line and be overly aggressive with the other parent or anything like that. Advocating for yourself is not the same thing as being aggressive with the other side. It just means pointing out the things that you do positively. Ooh, I'm yawning in the middle of the episode. That's not good, is it? It's been a long day. But there's a difference between you advocating for yourself and you being overly aggressive or overly dramatic or creating chaos in the situation. And sometimes when I say, well, don't be aggressive. Don't be dramatic. Don't create chaos. People sort of interpret that as, oh, roll over and let the other parent do whatever they want to do. I'm not saying that either. You have to advocate for yourself and you have to have good boundaries, especially when you're dealing with a narcissistic person. But it's also good to take a deep breath and sort of let things happen. Because when we let things take their natural flow, they will find their equilibrium. Think back to something that you were so worried about even a year ago or maybe five years ago or whatever the case may be. Did that thing happen? Probably not. Most of the time, the thing that we're worried about is not the thing that happens. And most of the time, the stuff that blindsides us that really are the crises in our life that we're trying to deal with are the things that we weren't even expecting or thinking about. Like me experiencing Thomas's death from his accident a year ago, if you're listening to me and I assume you know who Thomas is, he's in older episodes, he was my late husband and he had an accident last year and passed away. I wasn't sitting around worrying about Thomas passing away. I mean, did it across my mind occasionally that it was possible? Sure. Unfortunately, but it wasn't sitting around actively thinking about that. But that's the thing that has created the crisis in my life for the last year and been the focus of everything I'm trying to deal with in my life, from my emotions to my day to day functioning, to paying my bills to where I live and who I live with and the whole nine yards, right? All of it. My entire life has been upended by that event, but I wasn't sitting around worrying about that event, you know, I would say I've spent a lot more time worrying about my kids and as teenagers worrying, they would have a car accident or worrying this or that thing would happen or whatever. And did any of those things happen that I was also worried about and stressing myself out about? No, no, they actually didn't. And so even if you get an outcome that you're unhappy with in court, you have to remind yourself that like, you know, this is not how it's going to be a year from now. This is not the last court hearing. This is not the last time we'll go in front of the judge. This isn't the last thing that's going to happen in my custody case. And so when you can kind of take that perspective, it enables you to relax a little bit more, which again, is probably actually going to result in better income or better outcome. Excuse me. I find people kind of get reactive sometimes and they'll almost, you know, like take their shot too soon, right? They they they unload the gun too quickly before they actually let enough things accumulate to give them enough leverage to actually make some some a significant change in their case. You know, it's like I had a client where they, the other parent was didn't show up to drop off the child, you know, for for summer break. Okay, there's child's supposed to be back. And so it's kind of like, what would most people be doing? Okay, most people would probably be on the phone, calling the other parent multiple times. And I think this person did try to call the other parent, but I would normally see people who are trying to call, you know, 20, 30 times in a row and they're getting hysterical and they're doing all these things. And it's sort of like, you have to just take a deep breath and go, okay, how do I handle this? What do I do? Okay. Well, if I have an attorney, let me contact them first, you know, or my coach or whoever to make sure that I don't handle this incorrectly, that I'm doing what needs to be done. Okay, let me call law enforcement because I have an order that says I'm supposed to have my child back at this time. And I don't. So let me make a report of that. Okay. Now let me just take a deep breath because I know the child's probably okay and it's probably with the other parent, it just sucks that they haven't been returned to me the way that they should have been. Okay. Let's kind of give it some time, maybe the other parents running late, maybe they hit some kind of hiccup. Okay. And then, you know, if within 24 hours or so nothing has changed, I haven't heard from anybody. No kid, no nothing. Okay. Maybe then I file and I go into court to try to, you know, get some order that the child be returned from, you know, for my parenting time, but you know, and, you know, your approach to that is going to depend on, you know, what your attorney advises and all that kind of stuff. But I'm just kind of painting like a hypothetical scenario because what happens most of the time is we panic in that first instance, and then we react and we do something that again hurts us in the long run because we're reacting to the short term thing. You know, now does it suck that your child's late coming back and you haven't seen your child for a few days or whatever? Yeah, it sucks. But if that other parent is coming late, not returning to child, doing all those things, that's going to help you gain leverage in that situation in the long term. And also you have to tell yourself like, I know the child's okay, right? They're with the other parent, everything's fine. The other parents just being a jerk and trying to mess with me and not bring the child back. And I see people do this through all kinds of things, especially again, when we're dealing with narcissists, right? They'll show up late for every single thing or they'll give you last minute notice or, you know, they'll spell your name wrong when they communicate with you or, you know, they'll do all these little nitpicky things that are meant to like peck and peck and peck at you so that you become reactive to them so that they can say, Oh, look, see, I told you the other person was crazy. Look how they're reacting. And so again, having that marathon long term focus where you're going, you know what? I'm not, I'm not going to give in to this short term stuff, even though it's difficult and it's emotional and all of those things because I'm going to set my sights on what do I want the long term outcome of this case to be and how do I make that happen and you have to have your strategy and you have to stick to it. You cannot move with every whim of your emotions. If you're moving with every whim of your emotions, you're being inconsistent and you don't have a cohesive approach and you're actually hurting your, your chances, okay? So you need that grounding. You need that strategy and you need that cohesiveness. And honestly, this is a lot of where my coaching work comes in with people is, you know, I'm just trying to keep you on the track of what we've agreed that you want your track to be and what we've strategized needs to be the approach. Now my job is to keep you on that track and keep pulling you back in when you become emotional and want to veer off and react to something, right? Because again, that's not going to help your case. And so a lot of times your short term reactions, your sprint reactions, right? That you're making in that instant that it's happening is the thing that destroys your marathon results, okay? And then we don't understand why things aren't going the way we want them to. So my moral of the story for this episode is take a deep breath, let things happen. If you truly are the involved parent and the other parent truly is somebody who hasn't been involved, shows up when they want to is using the kids for their own benefit is using the kids to hurt you, whatever you think that other parents motivation is. If it's not the child, that is going to come out in this process. You just have to trust the process and not muddy the waters in the meantime, which is the mistake that we make. We sabotage ourselves through our own behavior. So take a deep breath and let things happen and don't try to create any kind of outcome. Don't try to manipulate the situation where you need to focus your energy is on the relationship. Having the best relationship you can with the children, having the being the best parent you can be. And look, when I say having the best relationship, I don't mean them liking you. I don't mean do everything that you can for them so that you'll have them eating out the palm of your hand and they'll like you and want to be with you. That's not what I mean. What I mean is be a parent, be a parent, be there for the good, the bad and the ugly. That's what being a parent is. Some days it's discipline, some days it's that you hate me because I'm being a parent, some days it's fun. Some days we enjoy it, you know, it's, it's definitely a labor of love. And so all you have to do is fully immerse yourself in the full spectrum of that labor of love and then trust that over the long term, the process is going to figure out that that's the person and the parent that you are and that you're trying to be. The court doesn't expect us to be perfect. Okay. You just have to put effort in and show that you're doing everything you can to be the best parent that you can possibly be. All right. So I hope that's helpful. If you would like to learn more about my coaching services, please go to divorceuniversityonline.com/VIP-coaching. There's a link on that page. You can book a consultation to talk to me and or one of my staff, depending on my availability. I'd love to share with my programs about you and talk with you and talk about how I might be able to help you on your custody journey. See you guys next time. Thank you for listening to the Divorce University Online Podcast with your host, Tammy Ferreira. For more information, visit www.divorceuniversityonline.com. Is your vehicle stopping like it should? Does it squeal or grind when you break? Don't miss out on summer break deals at O'Reilly Auto Parts. [MUSIC PLAYING]