Cloak and Dagger Broadcasts

Quiet Please - Presto Change-O I'm Sure

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Duration:: 28m
Broadcast on:: 08 Jul 2024
Audio Format:: mp3

The Takono Music and Spirits Festival returns to Centennial Park Saturday, August 3rd from 2 to 10 PM and it's free! Live music from the Warren Treaty! ♪ ♪ Chris Daniels and the Kings is Cally and More! Enjoy a spirits competition, kids' own and fireworks presented by Oxy and the City of Dacono! Admission and parking are free! The Takono Music and Spirits Festival brought to you by Breckenridge Brewery and City of Dacono! Go to thecityofdacono.com for more information! Hello, it's me, your oil change light. That last mechanic took three hours. Would you trust him again? Silence your oil change anxiety at Valvoline Instant Oil Change, where we change your oil in about 15 minutes. ♪ ♪ Quiet, please. ♪ ♪ Quiet, please. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ The mutual broadcasting system presents Quiet, please, which is written and directed by Willis Cooper and which features Ernest Chapel. Quiet, please, for tonight is called Presto Changeo, I'm sure. ♪ ♪ [laughing] Oh, excuse me. You really must excuse me. It's an old joke I haven't thought of in years. A joke that Johnny Martins and I used to kill ourselves over. And to me, it's still funny. Probably you won't crack a smile even, but I must tell you, I really must. You say to me, Sartvie, can you make an elephant disappear? And I say, sure, where's the elephant? [laughing] That's all, but really. Well, I told you it wouldn't sound funny to you, but to me, it brings back memories. I wonder where poor Johnny Martins is. All those years, Johnny and I used to have fists. Just fists lasten out our fun jokes. That is, we did 'til I made an elephant disappear. ♪ ♪ Well, it takes longer to tell than that. We were standing there by the Illinois Central Freight Depot, and it was early in the morning, and then the circus was in the building. And Johnny and I were watching. We were about 16 years old, I guess. And when the elephant started to come down the gangplanks, and the big car they were in, Johnny grinned at me, and he said, "Sartvie, can you make an elephant disappear?" And I said, "Sure, which elephant?" And Johnny said, "That one." And I pointed the thing at it, and I said, "Where's the change show disappear?" ♪ ♪ So, it disappeared. And next what set me on the first rung of the ladder to success. Well, I admit I didn't know was going to disappear. I was pretty surprised, but if you think I was surprised, you should have seen those circus people. I never saw such a hell of a loo in all my life. They just looked everywhere for that elephant. I saw the Eldred Vogel thing, the deputy sheriff, looking into the depot platform for it, even. [laughs] And I never liked Eldred Vogel thing, because he used to chase me for stealing marshmallows. So, I pointed the thing at him, and I said, "crystal chango disappears." But nothing happened. And Johnny said it didn't disappear. "What didn't disappear?" I asked him, and he said, "It's afraid people." Well, I said, "I'm in Eldred Vogel thing." And this, like that, Eldred Vogel thing was gone. ♪ ♪ Scared. John Rudd, I was scared, so was Johnny. I didn't know what the thing was when the old man gave it to me. I was just standing in front of the standard theater down there on Capitol Street when this old fella came out. I know who he was. I know who he was. He was professor at Pagli, Austria, the world's famous magician. And he'd been in the show the night before. See, I was excited seeing him in person. I hope to do something magic right there on the street. Free! And why good is he did? Well, he stopped and looked at me, and he said, "Hello, Sargefield." Well, how in the dickens did he know my name? I know it's a funny name. My grandfather named me. He was out in California in the Gold Rush in '49, and he was a member of a militia company in the town called Sargefield. And they were the Sargefield Grenadiers, and they carried big battle actors instead of guns. So my grandpa named me, Sargefield Grenadier McCutchen, after the Sargefield Grenadiers. And he was a magician calling me by name, and handed me this thing, and laughing and walking away. This thing, this little stick with the five-pointed star on the end. That's the foundation of my fortune, as you might say. And I've had it since the 14th of May, 1916. How does it work? Very simple. You just point it and you say, "Presto, change your disappearance." Oh, I'm sorry. Did you disappear? I didn't mean to. Well, somebody disappeared. That's too bad. I can't do a thing about it. That's the trouble. I haven't found out yet how to make it work in reverse. I can turn things down this mosquito. "Presto, change your mosquito. Be a dog." (Crying) Donut, a "Presto, change your dog" disappeared. You have to be careful with this thing. I remember what I did to Johnny Martin's with it. Well, we were having one of those kid quarrels that, you know, nothing serious. Just arguing about whatever it was, I've forgotten. But I said to him, "You poor fish." And then I pointed the thing at him and I said, "Presto, change it." And you know what? I had to run six blocks. Look at his foot on Cork Street to show him in the river in time. Six blocks I had to run, I just made it. He, from a way I never did know what became of Johnny. Some snapp and turtle hatum, I suppose, is something. The things kids will do. Oh, sure, all it's about created. Quite a sensation, but nobody ever suspected me. And naturally, I wasn't going to volunteer anything. Heck, no, not me. Not when I can make elephants disappear. Elephants, I can make anything disappear. Anything by golly. And you, if you get smart with me. Because I'm not a kid any longer, see, I'm a grown up man. I can do as I please. I'm the only guy in the world that can do just as I please. Me and the thing here. So what do you want done? No, you better not ask for it because you're liable to get it, and maybe you wouldn't like it when you got it. So keep quiet and listen. Wait a minute, I think there's somebody at the door. Yes, there is. It's still, I'll be right back. And if it's somebody I don't want to see, I'll make them disappear for you. Hello, Southfield. You remember me? No? You were, too, Southfield. How are you going? What do you want? I want this thing back. What thing? This thing I gave you on May 14th, 1916. Huh? Well, it's for goodness sake, just a professor. Hey. How are you, professors? Well, I'm a little tired, Southfield. Have you got this thing here? Sure, I've got it. Now I'm going to keep it. No, Southfield. I didn't give it to you to Keith. You didn't say that about it, professor, on May 14th, 1916? May I come in, please? No. Oh, please, sir. You gave it to me and I'm going to keep it. What if I take it away from you? (laughs) So you know the trick, then, eh? What? What trick? Yeah, I can't take it away from you. Then it has to be given. Well, thanks for telling me. Oh, I wish you would give it to me. I need it. Oh, thanks, professor. But I got uses for it. Well, will you give it to me when you are done with it? Then? I'm not going to be done with it, professor. Well, if you ever are, may I have it back? Sure. When I'm done with it. Thank you very much, saucy. So long. Well, hey, where did he go? Well, how do you like that? I didn't do a thing and he disappeared, just like... God, she must be a real magician. Excuse me. Yes? Yes, I am. Excuse me. Who is this? The professor. And I love you. I was a practicing magician nearly 200 years ago. I love you. I love you. The marrying out to a network, my friend. And I love you. That necklace of her. And if you look up the writer, you see that I died in Rome in San Leona prison in 1795. You're dead? You say you died? That's what people say. And that's the way it is in the history books, saucy. But just between you and me, I didn't die. You didn't? No, so people give you a dumb in your head. And don't forget that you promised me this thing when you are finished with it. You hear? Yes, sir. I mean, no, sir. I mean... Gosh. Now, for goodness' sake, it's that. I'm not going to the door. It's probably that old magician again. Hello. No, it isn't. It's a custom. Oh, well, thank you. How did he know? Well, excuse me. Excuse me. Yes, sir. But why... Hello, Bernard. Hello, Donutfield. Was there something? Yes. I got scissors with you. Now, Bernard, that business has all been transacted. No. No, it ain't on the field. Let me in. Now, look here, Bernard. Oh, well, you're in. Yeah. Now, kid. What? Go, sit down. Don't point that gun at me. Why not? It's liable to go off. It might have been. Now, Bernard. Sit down. Here. What's that? That's money. Oh? Yes. Do you remember our little deal? Yes, I certainly do, Bernard. This magic thing of yours was going to turn one dollar bills in the hundred dollar bills. Well, of course. I did it. You sure did. And Larry Blockman's in jail. Larry Blockman's in jail. Yeah. Why, what's for goodness sake? For a person's only hundred dollar bills for goodness sake. Always though you fixed for me. Countless. Oh, for goodness sake. Yeah. That's what I said, too. I just came here to blow your head off song skills. You're in your magic. Well, well, I can't help it. I did my bad. And they good enough. So, I'm going to knock yours. No. Oh, no. Oh, yeah, short skills. Wait, Bernard. Put that thing down. Oh, no. I won't. That Tony magic thing. Put it down. Do you think it's Tony Bernard? Why you big gorilla? Pesto-changer. Count. Count. Count. Oh. Pesto-changer disappeared. Man. I made that just in time. Darn him. Him, I thought I said disappear, but I turned him into a gorilla. My goodness was he ferocious. Well, he disappeared anyway. You kneeled and made a mistake south. Huh? Where did you come from? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Oh, no. Huh? Where did you come from? Oh, out there. Where? You wouldn't want to give me the magic wand now, southeast. So before you make a really serious mistake, would you? No. Well, you might be sorry. Making counterfeit money. Turning the man into a gorilla. I wouldn't make any mistakes like that, southeast. You wouldn't, huh? Oh, I know. I very seldom make mistakes. Well, here's one for you. Presto chango disappears. Oh. Oh. Presto chango disappears. Oh. Oh. Oh. Presto chango disappears. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. It won't work on me southeast. What? What? I am a professional southeast. Look. Abracadabra. Could you gracious? Nowhere did he go? Well, now, now you see what I have to go through. It isn't all beer and grittles when you... What? Who said that? I did. Excuse me. What did you say? Guitar southeast. Beer and skittles. Oh. Well, what are skittles if you're such a magician? Guitar to the game, something like nine pink southeast. I used to play with King Louis I've seen in the past. I'm sorry to interrupt you. Don't let me go on. What was I saying? Oh. It... It isn't all beer and... Skittles? Skittles when you get hold of a magic thing like this. You see, you make one false move and you're in a jam. How did I know that money would turn out counterfeit? And again, I might have been murdered by that gorilla. If I wasn't such a sharp character, I don't know what I do. What? What? I didn't get a hand southeast. I wish the goodness you'd go away, Professor. Oh, I'm sorry, Professor. I'll go. I'll probably see you before now. Oh, my gosh. This is my day for... Oh, I know who that is. Are you gone? Professor, are you gone? I know who it is because she rings the door. She rings the door balance instead of knocking. It's a girl. She's very pretty. Is she sure it's... Hey, you said you were gone. Oh, I am sorry. She's really... I really go this time. On this engine southeast. Really, truly. Well... Well, goodbye. Excuse me, please. Gently. Well, you certainly kept me waiting all enough, Popsie. Well, I'm sorry, Angel. I bet you had another visitor. Well, I... A feminine visitor, Popsie. Oh, my goodness, no. With a beard? Look at all the money. Why did you get the money, Popsie? Why, uh... A man gave a tummy. Come now, Darth, do you? Do you expect me to believe that? Well, he did. I wish a nice man would give poor little me some of the nice money. Well, uh... Poor little me has only got one dollar bill. You've got a hundred dollar bill. Well, yes, I know Genevieve, but I... A nice man would miss a little peasy bit of the money now. What do you... Well, Genevieve, do you see? I mean, you know I... Is it really yours, Darth Bill? Well, uh... In a way, Dearest. Oh, I wish I had some too. Well, you see, I... No, I can't let you have it. Oh, my goodness, Darth Bill, I didn't think you were damaging. Well, I'm not... You're mean. No, dear. You saw it. No, I didn't. You murdered somebody for it. Oh, gosh, no. Then where did you get it? Well, honey, it's... Blood money. It's... It's magic. Oh, for heaven's sake. Yes. How is it magic? Well, I did it with my magic wand. Why, how nice. Uh, but it... Can you do magic, Darth Bill? Well, sure, but... Don't do magic. Well, I don't... I bet you can. I bet you're kidding. Oh, no. No, indeed, Genevieve. Don't do something magic then. Make some more money. Excuse me, Darth Bill. What? I didn't say anything, honey. Well, what is... Who is it? Only. Your life is coming, Darth Bill. Oh, my gosh. Well, how did she know? I don't know what Darth Bill. How did she know where I was, Professor? I know that, Darth Bill. Oh, my gosh. What'll I do now? What's the matter, Angel Faye? You gotta get out of here. Well, I like that. I certainly appreciate that. Why do I have to get out of here? Don't you love me? Genevieve... ...meeting my wife. How do you... ...love a piece of cake? No. Now, dear... ...now, dear, I... I really must go now. Nice to meet you. Oh, no. He's a Maggie phone. Help! Darth Bill! Oh, well... ...the press don't change, you'll disappear. Well, where'd you go? Wow. Sir. I... ...did it just in time. Oh, that's the magic thing. Yes. Wow, I'm there. Just in time again. I wanna see. Don't touch it, Genevieve. Oh, now, Darth Bill. I won't hurt it. Please, honey. Is it really magic? It really is, dear. Please let me have it. I don't see any trigger or anything. There isn't any. Please put it down, Genevieve. Oh, then what makes it work? Genevieve, please. Please. You just pointed at her like this. Don't pointed at me. And you said that. Genevieve, don't. You said that. She said press so changey, young lady. What? A press okay, you know? That's amazing. Papa, put the paper here. Sir. That's something else. Oh, I know. I can see that. I know. You said disappear. Oh. Why, my goodness. He certainly went away in a hurry. Oh. Oh. My goodness. What happened to me? Oh. Oh. Genevieve. Oh, my gosh. Oh. Where am I? Hey. Where am I? Where am I? Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Where am I? Hey. Where am I? I saw Steve. Who's that? I can't see. It's me, I see you. That's a collier. Oh, oh. Good. Let me out of here, Professor. Will you? I'm scared. Can't get out of here, I see you're here to stay. Remember, the ones won't work in reverse. So it's too bad. But I told you to make a mistake. What is this place? Why? That's just what it is, boys. This is the place where things go when they disappear. Oh, no. And I'm sure you're going to have a wonderful time with the people here. What people? Why don't you remember? An elephant, and a deputy sheriff, and a boy who turned to a fish, and a very, very angry gorilla. Oh, no. And your one? My. And oh, boys, I feel is she going to be tickled to see you. Where you are, boys? [MUSIC PLAYING] The title of tonight's "Quiet Please Story" was "Prestle Changjo," I'm sure. It was written and directed by Willis Cooper, and the man who spoke to you was Ernest Chapel. And Edgar Staley was a professor. The distastable Bernard was the Immaculate and talented Mr. Ed Latimer. charming Miss Peggy Stanley played Genevieve, and the masterful dog and the gorilla were by the one and only Brad Barker. As usual, music is by Albert Berman. Now, for the word about "Quiet Please" next week, here is our writer, director, Willis Cooper. He didn't recognize anybody in nitrogen. Well, he shouldn't have. They're all native to my typewriter, and I never did exist before. Next week's story is called "3,000 Words." And so until next week, at the same time, I am quietly yours, Ernest Chapel. [MUSIC PLAYING] As much as we would like to forget about the last war, and turn our hopes and efforts away from the deaths and destruction caused overseas, the situation in many European countries demands our attention. You've heard it on the radio. You've read it in your daily papers. Men, women, and children in war devastated areas are slowly starving to death, most especially the children are suffering. Their daily diets are often inadequate to sustain life. As always, in the midst of starvation, disease reached a horrible toll. Tuberculosis, rickets, polygons, and other diseases are spreading, with children, the chief victims. Many private American agencies have been sending as much help as they could. Now, 25 well-established released agencies have combined into a single drive to save the next generation. We ask you to send your contributions to the crusade for children in New York. This program is heard in Canada through the facilities of the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation. This is the mutual broadcasting system. 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