Amos N Andy Daily
Amos n Andy - Mother In-Law Dear
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- Duration:
- 30m
- Broadcast on:
- 10 Jul 2024
- Audio Format:
- mp3
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And it's operating company 6,000 American Parkway, Madison, Wisconsin. Andy, you know what that music's a? Yes, sir, Amos, that music's a good health to all from Rexall. The Amos and Andy show. With Ernestine Wade, Lou Loubun, Johnny Lee, Amanda Randolph, Will Wright, Shirley Mitchell, Vince Townes and Jeff Alexander's music, and Radio's all-time favorites, Amos and Andy. How do you do, ladies and gentlemen? This is Amos. You know, I wish I could take all of you with me on a tour of Rexall's big laboratories. There, you would see for yourself how Rexall scientists check and recheck, test and retest the drug products that bear the name Rexall. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, then you would know, as I do, you can depend on any drug product that bears the name Rexall. Well, the kingfish got a rather startling bit of news this week. When he got home from the lodge hall the other night, his wife Sapphire informed him that she was leaving to spend three weeks with her married sister in Chicago. I don't know, honey. You can't go away like this and leave me all alone. You can't run off to Chicago and desert me. You can't desert your poor, poor husband. Well, all right, George. If you feel that way, I won't go. Holy mackerel, I overdid it, Judge. What did you say? I mean, just thinking of your honey, the trip is going to do you good. I knew that, oh, yeah. But, George, while I'm gone, is you going to write to me? Well, I don't think I'll have to this trip, honey. I got 12 bucks out all the time, no more, all right? You got about as much love and affection in you as a dried apricot. Well, now, listen, you got to fix it. After 20 years of marriage, the love lady is working on a week of battery. Don't get me wrong, honey. I really gon' miss you here by myself. Well, George, while I'm gone, you ain't gon' be completely alone. Uh, just how, uh, incompletely alone as I gon' be. George, while I'm gone, I've asked my mother to come over here and stay with you. Now, I'm going in and pack. Holy smokes, you leaving and your mama coming. That's like trading Dracula for Frankenstein. What did you say? I was there to be frank with you, honey. I hope you have a nice time, oh, I... Let's see here, George. Whether you like it or not, Mama is gon' stay here. And while Mama is here, I want you to show her all the respect that she deserves. Well, if it does, that she gon' hit me into fear, son. George, I'm warning you. I had a long talk with Mama this morning. She's a dear sweet woman, always kind and considerate. And while she's here, she's determined to win your loving affection. If she has the flippin' out that head of yours to do it. Yes, and, uh, gon' be spendin' more time here to lodge all now that the invasion has done started. Yes, and, uh, gon' be spendin' more time here to lodge all now that the invasion has done started. Yeah, well, that is somethin'. Your mama law comin' to stay with you while sapphires in Chicago. You know, King Fish, I never believed none of that mother-law jokes till I got a load of her. Yeah, real somethin' havin' her cook the food for me, and then sittin' down at the table opposite her. Pretty bad, huh? Well, last night for supper, she done stewed a flounder for four hours. And when she brung it to the table, that dad's fish looked more appetizin' than she did. Yeah, well, uh, he's got a better shape to start with. Listen, Nana, I tell ya, I just gotta find some way to get rid of that ool gal. Well, you has been pretty successful when it comes to relative vacuation in the past. Well, I've been pretty successful with my brother-in-law Leroy. When he arrives, I usually give him a pretty strong hint that he ain't welcome. How ya do that, King Fish? Well, when it comes to the door, I reach it out and extends the hand of friendship. While he's shaking this hand like this, I let him have a rabbit punch behind the air with another hand. And then without further ado, I flip some down the front stairs. By the time he hits the pavement, why his visit is over, you see? Well, that don't sound like the technique to use on your mother-in-law. You ain't gonna get far tryin' to jujitsu no 400 pound walrus. I tell ya. Of course, I was just thinkin' I may try the medical technique that, like I'd done with Sapphire's aunt Minerva last Christmas. She'd one with the big appetite, you know? Oh, medical technique. Well, what was that, King Fish? Well, when Minerva come into living room with her suitcase, I threw a 20-minute sip. But it didn't work. When I come to, she would barricade herself in the bedroom with a half a chicken, you see? Well, there again, your mama-law don't look like the type they're gonna be scared off by no fist. You know, Andy here, I think the only thing to do is to try a different approach than I ever used before, just thinkin' here. This time, while Sapphire's in Chicago, I'm gonna try to be sweet and kind to the old lady. And instead of tryin' to get out, maybe we can get along together nice, you know? Yeah, sweetness and kindness. It might work. I think I read some plays that Clyde Bader used that system when he was tryin' to work a new rhinoceros into his house. Oh, get on into the apartment here and try to sweeten this approach on the old gal here. Who's that? Uh, good evening, mother-nor-dear. May I say that you was lookin' perfectly sweet and charming this fine evening? George, stay until a day. You come home in this condition. You bomb! Now, wait a minute, mother-nor-dear. I ain't no condition. You know I was a tea totalitarian. I was fond of you, mother-nor-dear. You is up to some. Sapphire's father started talkin' that way once, and I woke up that night and caught him tryin' to drive a spite through the top of my head. Well, now, wait a minute, mother-nor-dear. Wait a minute, nothing. What's this on your shoulder here? A long hair. Oh, but mother. And don't you tryin' to tell me to come from that bald-head, nothin' yours? Now, look, mama, that's a horse hair from the pattern of my coat. And anyway, I wouldn't start chasin' after women at my age. No, he's just windin' dangerous. But he's always tryin' to kick up your heels for rheumatism sets in. Mother, we gonna be here together for three weeks. Couldn't we just try this once to get along together? 'Cause I know that we both have respect for one another feelin' why we can work this thing out. Shut up. Get your own supper. And don't you forget I'm keepin' my eye on you. Oh, mother-nor, that is. I see better mothers in the bottom of a vinegar bottle. Well, six o'clock in the morning, but I done made 'em a bed. Now, I'll get my breakfast before old Volcanum mouth gets up. Now, let me get the newspaper from the hall first. Now, where's that paper? In the hall, just some playin'. Uh-oh. The door done closed. It's locked. I done left my keys on the dresser. Now, I'll have to run around and climb up the fire, and keep 'em crawlin' in the bedroom window. Now, let me get in the open window here, open it up. Now, I'll get in the bedroom here. Do you know how it just goes in? George Stevens, what do you mean by sneakin' in this house at six o'clock in the morning? Well, I was-- I just don't give me that old story about just going out to get the newspaper. Your bed ain't even been slept in. Well, I was, uh, the thing is, you see, I had, I was, uh... Hello? Hello, Sapphire? I just have to call you a long distance. Something important has come up. What is it, mother? That over-right Casanova is up to his own tricks. I found a woman's hair on his coat, and at six o'clock this morning, I caught him sneakin' in the house. Oh, ma'am! Oh, don't you worry about a thing, Sapphire. If that old Ferdinand is gonna start sniffin' flowers, he's gonna end up with millies on his chest. Good evening, this is your Rexall family druggers speaking to you for the 10,000 independent druggers to have made the word Rexall part of our own store names, and who recommend and sell the 2,000 or more drug products made by the Rexall drug company. Rexall MI-31 is a good example. Used full strength. This all-round mouthwash, gargle, and breath deodorant kills contacted germs in a matter of seconds. Yet it will not harm delicate mouth and throat membranes. Ask for Rexall MI-31 at any Rexall drugstore. Yes, that's why I come down here to see you, lawyer Tonson. My daughter Sapphire's in Chicago, and I want something done about that no-good son-in-law mind. Well, I don't know what he's done, but we'll throw him in jail and startin' there. Oh, that's the spirit! Can't we get him on the charge we used when he first married my daughter 22 years ago? No, I'm afraid he's a little too old now for charges of juvenile delinquency. Well, maybe we could commit him to the home for the agent and feeble again. No, I'm afraid he enjoyed that too much the last time. I don't know about these suspicions of yours about him running after women. I'm afraid if we made those charges and then put Stevens on the stand, they'd laugh us out of court. Well, I'm gonna keep my eyes on him, and I'll get the goods on him yet. In the meantime, if you think of anything nasty we can do to him, let me know. Hey, Kingfish, I am surprised to see you down here to lodge this early. By the way, how you comin' along with the sweetness and light approach on your mama law? Well, I'll tell you, Andrew, use the sweetness and light on that old gal that's like porn. Chanel number five on a goat. No matter how much you pull on, the animal is always one step ahead of ya. Yeah, well, where's the charm and creature at the present time? Well, I don't know, Andrew. She got up one out early this morning. Left the dishes in the sink, the bears unmade. Didn't speak to me all day yesterday. Well, she doesn't go into Brooklyn already, that's what she doesn't go in. Well, that's a good break, gettin' rid of the old Spitfire. But the time it is, who's gonna do the housekeeping for ya? Yeah, well, that's what's been boilin', man. I ain't a domestic type, you know. Two more meals, and I'll run out of clean dishes. Hey, I was just thinkin' ya, Kingfish. You know, maybe my gal could kinda go up there and straighten out the mess. You mean that she'd do it for nothin'? Well, I'd have to give her a little extra smoochin'. But, I guess I can bear up under that. Give it a phone here, I'll call her. Yeah, go ahead there. She'd be glad to do it for me. We as practical in gay. Oh, you and gay as to a hunter's good news. Hello? Hello? How is the sweet Mona Lisa 8th Avenue this morning? Oh, it's fine, Andy, and how's my big ol' honey bear? Well, your big ol' honey bear is just fine. Listen, Andy, cut out the marsh and tell her about the mop, will ya? Can your little honey bear ask you somethin' personal? Of course, Andy! Well, look here, a friend of mine needs somebody to kinda straighten out his partment. I wonder if you could do it for me, sweet baby, honey lamb. Sweet Petootie. Andy, you is but you commandin' all of these. Oh, boy. Well, they lives in that big apartment house up on 138th Street. Apartment 3A. He left the door open. Oh, well, I'll be glad to do it, Andy. I'll get up there right away. Oh, I know'd you do this from honey after all we as meant to each other. Out of my heart? Farewell. Well, she gonna fix up my apartment. That's nice of me, Andy. Uh, by the way, what's your girl's name? I don't know. I only met her last night. Hey, wanna shoot another game of pool, King Chris? Uh, no, and I think I'll go on home. Your girl probably got my apartment all cleaned up by now. Yeah, whether she's still there when you get there. Remember to find out what her name is for me, will ya? Yeah, sir. Look who comin' in the pool over here. Short of the barber. Short of what you doin' in here. I come down here. I'm lookin' for her. I have to stop and see her. I mean, I came over with her. I got her. I got her. I got her. I got her. You must have come down here for somethin'. Very well taken point, uh, shorter. Yeah, say, you comin' here all excited, shorty. Somethin' must be up. Oh, yeah, King Chris, I guess, runnin' your mother along the street. Well, now, uh, now, we in a minute, shorty. Now, just a minute. Mm-hmm. My mother-in-law is back in Brooklyn. How you know it was my mother-in-law? Well, I said, "Hello, too, aren't you? Hit me across the face." Yeah, that's all right. You got it. You got it. Just in King Chris. What would your mother-in-law be doin' back here, King Chris? Well, uh, I guess that, uh, maybe she just didn't go back to Brooklyn after all. Uh, maybe she just got up early, and she probably, uh, went up to the house, uh, to the house. Oh, it smokes, Andy. When she runs into that gal, friend of yours, what is she gonna think? Oh, I tell ya, Andy, there's gonna be blood on the carpet tonight, boy. Holy mackerel, you was right, King Chris. When that old war horse find that gal up there, she's gonna give a comin' out party for your brains. Hey, I don't know much about what it's all about, fellas, but, King Chris, if you hurry, maybe you can beat your mother-in-law back to the apartment. Yeah, yeah, that's right, King Chris. Then you can get the gal out of there, see? Yeah, that's what I'll do. Shorty, I notice the car out in front. That's your car. I'll take it, and I'll drive as fast as I can. Well, fine, King Chris, but there's only one thing you can see, and you, I mean, the thing you gotta do is... Listen, Shorty, I can't wait. I... Hey, Shorty, what is that you was tryin' to tell the King Chris? Well, I got, I just wanted to say that, I thought he ought to, he don't... He should know that he can't, when I get out of there, out of there, out of there. No gas. Well, here's your pardon. I hope I got you full of mother-in-law, dear. Open up. Are you in there? Open up. Yes, yes, what is it? Look, look, I'm... Mr. Stevens, the thing... Mr. Stevens isn't here. I know he ain't here. Well, and why is you asking for him? Look, I'm Mr. Stevens. Oh, you poor old man. Look, sweet Petootie, you gotta get out of here. My mother-law's on the way up here. If she finds you here, she'll never understand. Well, I can explain to her what I'm doin' here. Now, listen, that's what you were wearin' with counteract any explanation you can give. Now, come on. But, Mr. Stevens... Come on, hurry up. Come on. Down the steps. Oh, there's someone comin' up. Listen, old lady, don't block the stairs. I'm tryin' to get this down. I'm tryin' to pull my mother-in-law, Jesus. You're a Steven? I'm a mother-in-law. What's the feeling of this? Mother-in-law, dear. I'd like to present you with my... ...long-law sister from Australia, sweet Petootie. Now, here's your Rexall family drugist. It's still amazing and welcome news all over the country. Yes, friends, I'm talking about the quicker, better, more complete relief from cold symptoms that you get from Rexall's marvelous new product called Anapac. And here's why. Anapac combines a well-known antihistamine with a time-tested APC formula of aspirin, finacatin, and caffeine. In this way, Anapac gives you not only the antihistamine effect of prompt relief from cold symptoms, but also relief from the muscular soreness, headaches, and fever that usually accompany a cold. And here's more good news. The drowsiness sometimes resulting from the use of antihistamine should seldom be encountered in this formula. Follow the recommended dosage and instructions on the label carefully, unless directed otherwise by your physician. Remember, for better, all-round relief from cold symptoms, ask for Anapac. That's A-N-A-P-A-C, Anapac, the exciting new Rexall drug product available now at Rexall drug stores everywhere. Well, Andy, that's terrible. The kingfish is a mother-in-law misunderstanding a situation like that I can't get over it, you know what? Yeah, that's something more right. Yeah, I guess this ain't gonna sound good when Sapphire gets word of it out in Chicago neither. Well, I'll tell you something, Maimas. This time the old king fish is a man of action. He ain't gonna give her no chance. He'd unhauled his mama-law into domestic relations court. No food, and you mean to say the kingfish that took his mother-in-law to the domestic relations? He showed it. He said that she has always come between him and his wife. And him and his lawyer Calhoun is down in Judge Quigley's chamber right now. He's trying to get a court order to have his mama-law stop interfering. And then he's gonna sue her for $10,000 if she don't. $10,000, huh? Yes, sir. He gonna sue her for alienating his wife's affliction. Let me at him. I'll scratch his eyes out. You let go of me help, huh? I'll fix you, I'll fix you. Your honor, would you honor this woman to stop hitting my client in the face? Your honor, this man belongs behind bars. Let me at him! Order, order, please. Let us have a little order. I asked you to come here to my chambers to see if we could work out a peaceful solution. I don't think we're getting off too good a start. Now, which one of you is counsel for Mr. Stevens? I am, Your Honor. Al Gunquin J. Calhoun. And my poor, poor client here, innocent Steven, is bringing the charges against his mother-in-law, trying to get it to refrain from interfering with his domestic affairs. Yes, sir, that's all I want to do, Your Honor. Well, that's a legitimate request, if there are grounds for it. Grounds, sir. Your honor, this woman has caused my client undue mental anguish. She has broken his heart, damaged his reputation, injured his pride, and dealt a mortal blow to his soul. Your honor, this is a nasty old walrus. That's telling, Calhoun. Your honor, don't you listen to this little shrimp? I didn't call this old old hair red-handed with a young husband. What explanation has he got to that? Well, according to his deposition here, Mr. Stevens claims that this young girl was merely tidying up his apartment in the absence of his wife. You Honor, object, that hair is a deliberate attempt to cast as persons on my client's character. If that age is going to hair, I demand it in the future she keep that snare out of it. Mrs. Smith, you will kindly control your comments. Oh, yeah, and while we're at it, would you ever stop jabbing me in the back with her umbrella? I feel that it's against the best interests of my spine. Sir, Honor, if anyone should be bought before this domestic relations court, it's this man, George Stevens. Why, this man has never supported his wife in 22 years of marriage. He's accepted money from his mother-in-law. She has supported them, paid their rent, bought their clothes, and he has never made any attempt to get a job at all this time. Object, Honor, the fact that my client is a bomb has nothing to do with the question. That appears to me that the question here has nothing to do with Mr. Stevens' unemployment or his past record as a husband. That should be brought up at another time. The question is, is Mrs. Smith deliberately and maliciously attempting to come between husband and wife? Your Honor, I've never done a malicious thing in my life. Oh, yeah, you will. How about the time you? I had new moon, and you tried to punch your hole in my oxygen tent. Your Honor, this woman has caused trouble. Your Honor, this is a mean old lady. Don't you talk to me about me a little weird. Here, here, here. We'll have to know more of this. Stevens, you claim this young woman was really cleaning your apartment. I think the whole crux of this thing is the truth of that statement. Your Honor, we have depositions here from two witnesses. Andrew H Brown and Mark Marenci are Lewis, better known as Shot of the Barber, stating that she was there for that purpose and that purpose only. Yes, I see the depositions here. Well, Mrs. Smith, I am convinced that your son-in-law is telling the truth in this matter. No, sir, Your Honor, I just thought I'd been doing it. I've been blabbing out the truth every word. It is the purpose of the Domestic Relations Court to maintain the family unit whenever possible. So I hereby rule that in all domestic arranged arguments, rather, between George Stevens and his wife, Sapphire, you, Mrs. Smith, are to refrain from all interference. He'd heed a sweetest judge. It is also the ruling of this court that should any questions arise between husband and wife, you, Mrs. Smith, are ordered to remain silent at all times, silent at all times. That is all. Thank you, Your Honor. Have a long, Mrs. Smith. Well, King, Mr. Smith, we finally got your mother-in-law's mouth glued. That's the biggest job that they've filled into the water's going to have. Mother-in-law, it's 6.30. Did you start it breakfast yet? Yes, George. Oh, I want you to clean up the bedroom and scrub the kitchen. Yes, George. I'll get right at it. Come back here, come back here. I ain't finished talking to you. Never turn your back on me while I'm speaking to you. I'll haul you right back in the court you must with me, boy. I'm sorry, George. And now another thing, Mother-in-law, dear. Now that the judge is ordered you to keep that big mouth for you, we shut. Out of the very goodness of my heart, I was going to show you what I was doing, coming in the other morning on the firescape just to show you how wrong you was. What are you talking about? Well, now, look here, you stay here in the living room and I'm going to show you. Now, first of all, I went out the front door like this, and the door closed behind me and locked. Now, you stay inside there, and I'm going to take a step by step and show you. And I'm going to take a step by step and show you. Now, I'm going round the alley and I'm going to climb up the firescape, and I'm going to show you what happens to the firescape. Now, I wonder who that can be. Oh, now where did George go? Hello, Mama. Why safer? What is you doing here? Well, we didn't expect you back from Chicago for another two weeks. Well, Mama, I got worried about that phone call. You saying George was chasing after some woman, so I decided to come back and get to the bottom of it. Why is George anyhow? Well, Safar, you see? Oh, oh. There he is coming in the firescape there. Oh, hello there, Safar. I didn't expect you so soon. I'll say you didn't. Why are you doing sneaking in this house at 7 o'clock in the morning? Well, Mother, dear, tell Safar what I was doing. Mama, uh-oh, splitter to her. Here's the ruling of the court in disputes between husband and wife. That Mother-in-law will remain silent. How about more? Here's your Rexall family drug. There is an easy, safe, and convenient way to get more complete protection against vitamin deficiency. Take Rexall plenumons. Yes, just two plenumons capsules a day give you ten essential vitamins, including vitamin B12. Plus, the nutritional extras of liver concentrate and iron. What's more, plenumons cost you only pennies a day. Ask for plenumons. P-L-E-N-A-M-I-N-S plenumons at Rexall drugstores everywhere. And don't forget, ladies and gentlemen, to visit your friendly Rexall drugstore. Good night. See you next Sunday. Hiya, beautiful. Good luck, Chris, and Chris. You need a shave, but I have a shave. What else can I do? Silly boy, you can go stag. Go stag. Why? Because stag is Rexall's exclusive line of men's good grooming aids, like stag, brushless, shave, cream, no fast, no massage. Just smooth it on and presto, you get a clean, closed face happy shave. Join the stag line at Rexall drugstores everywhere. Yes, to make girls care. Go stag. We've got to be with us next Sunday at the same time, but your Rexall drugist will again present the Avis and Andy show. The Avis and Andy show is written by Joe Condolee, Bob Mosher and Bob Ross. Stay tuned for the Edgarburg and Charlie McCarthy program, which follows immediately over most of these stations. Ken Niles speaking. This is CBS, the Columbia broadcast feature. Hi, Drew and Jonathan Scott here. Reminding you that American family insurance agents can help build a customized renters policy, so you can protect stuff like this. Or this. Or even this. Well, case in point. Life's better when you're under American family's roof. Ensure carefully, dream fearlessly. Get a quote and find an agent at ampam.com. Products not available in every state. American Family Mutual Insurance Company, SI, and its operating company 6,000 American Parkway, Madison, Wisconsin. Save big this summer with great deals. All in the King Supers app. Get juicy Washington red cherries for $2.99 a pound. Then get 10-10 on items like Lays Stacks, Rice Oroni, and Sparkling Ice Sparkling Water for $1 each, all with your card. Shuff these deals at your local Kroger today. Or tap the screen now to download the King Supers app to save big today. King Supers. Fresh for everyone. Prices and product availability subject to change. Restrictions apply. See site for details. (upbeat music)