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The 52 Scott Podcast
Women Wednesday | EP88 - Reasons Why People Stay in Unhealthy Relationships
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Don't forget to follow us on X, formerly known as Twitter @52scottpodcast. On Instagram and Facebook, V52scottpodcast, and follow my YouTubers. Don't forget to like and subscribe. And welcome to another "Women Wednesday." Okay, today's episode is for people in relationships. They no longer wanna be in. They've been wanting to call it quits for a long time, but yet they still remain. I have one question for you, why? Okay, fellas, it's time to pull back the curtains and expose the reasons why people stay in unhealthy relationships. So, starting with you, Kay Monney. - Yes, sir. - Can you give me a reason why a person was staying an unhealthy relationship and why? - Yes, cheaper to keep. - Okay, I can see that, even if you're not married to her? - Yeah, I mean, well, some people are together so long to where they may not believe in getting married, but the relationship there, you know, is as it coming along. - Okay, I got you. What about you, Slacks? - Well, I'ma say some of 'em, possibly because of low self-esteem issues. Maybe they don't have their own in order to be on their own, you know, they're scared to leave a relationship of some, you know, and go where they can't afford to live on their own, you know. - Okay, and what about you, Committee of Statistics? - I got three houses, you mind if I say it? - Sure. - Comptability, they get comfortable, complacency, and then it's towards the end of that relationship with neither one of 'em are happy. This is the one that a lot of people go through for a long period of time. The other party don't want to see the other party get with no one. The girl don't wanna see the guy with no one else, and the guy don't wanna see the girl with no one else. So they just stay in an unhappy relationship. - They just need to be together if that's the case. - It happens. - And stay in that relationship. - That is the worst part of the relationship. A lot of people will stay around only so the other person doesn't date anybody else. I see it a lot. - Okay, well, so I created a list here as to reasons why people stay in unhealthy relationships. And the first reason is you fear or they fear of being alone. Nobody wants to be alone. They assume that being with anyone is better than being alone. - That's a good one, yeah. - That is a great one. - That, I think that falls under the lines of what Slash said. They're confidence level. They feel like they can't catch nobody else. They used to the person they've been with. - So that's a self-esteem issue. - Yeah, that's self-esteem. - You agree with that, Kay Money? - I do. - Okay, so another reason why people remain in unhealthy relationships is fear of starting over. - That kind of lines up with what you said, Kay Money is cheaper to keep her, you think? - The fear of starting over. - Yes and though, I just think you get in a certain routine when you're in a relationship for a long time and just to break that routine. I don't know, man, yeah, I'm saying yes and no. I can't really elaborate on that though. I think some people don't want to go through the pain. - Yeah, there you go. - Of being without somebody, depending on how long they've been together and how they felt about each other. Because in some situations you have one person have a stronger feeling about the other person and the other person don't have that saying. So I think that can become an issue where it's like, okay, you know, it's no point in me leaving. - So it's almost like you've already invested a significant amount of time and energy until the relationship, okay. So what about you remaining in an unhealthy relationship because you're hoping that your partner will tap into their potential? - Yeah. - Say that again. - You remain in that relationship because you're hoping that your partner tap into their potential. - So basically you're waiting for them to become whole and within their self and allow themselves to love you the way you love them pretty much. - Well, I would, I get what you're saying, but like, for instance, like you believe, first of all, an unhealthy relationship can be caused by a number of things, a number of things, right? They can love you like a mother or mother, but they can't keep a job. Y'all life's constantly getting turned off. That person's constantly drinking, constantly getting high. And the relationship is just unhealthy. Now they love you, they're not beating on you, but they just can't get a job or can't keep a job, constantly drinking, constantly getting high, but check this out, they're smart, they're college educated. So you know that the potential is there. So what you're doing is you're hanging on to a relationship. - Hoping. - Hoping that they tap into their potential to be able to land that job that you know that they can go and do. To hope that, hey, you're better than this alcohol that you're constantly drinking and you're constantly getting high, you're better than this. - Yeah. - And so they're holding on to that potential rather than actually seeing the person that's in front of you. - And to me, that seems like that'll make it even more unhealthy if you're waiting for somebody to become potential. - You know what their faults are and I'm not saying that you disappear on somebody because of how they are, because you're supposed to accept people with their flaws, but I'm just saying some of these things that's being mentioned are flaws. And if you notice that there's a flaw, then why sit around and wait for somebody to become potential when they got all these flaws that you know that's unhealthy? That makes no sense. - I agree with you, Slas. - Yeah, yeah. - Okay. So here's another reason and let me know if y'all agree or disagree why people remain in unhealthy relationships. They don't know themselves. Meaning that they don't know who they are outside of being in a relationship. - That's not gonna work at all like that then. Because you have to know who you are before you involve yourself in a relationship. - Yeah, you shouldn't even be involved if you're not sure who you are. - You and I, 'cause you go in front. I see this all the time, front. I got this, I got that. I'm gonna take care of you. And really the whole time your motives is totally different, but now you in a relationship. Now you got to show and prove what you said she was gonna do for her or vice versa, it could be her for him. And it doesn't, what you showed that you were in the beginning, because your motives was not genuine. - Right, Julie, end of the key word. - Yeah, you end up, I get what you guys are saying, but let me paint this picture, right? And this usually deals with a lot of women. So you're in a relationship with a man, right? Let's say it's a man that has a lavish lifestyle that plays sports, hypothetical, that plays sports. And you are a homemaker, because he doesn't want you to work. You're faithful to him. You're not a gold digger. You are a good catch for him, for what he's looking for, right? But he's working because he plays sports. He pays all the bills, but he's always gone. He's never at home, and you're lonely. You're sad, although you know his occupation, but you're still human, you're lonely, you're sad. And so you try to be everything that you want, that you think he would want you to be, but it's still not fulfilling for yourself. So now the relationship is unhealthy, and you've been this housewife for 15 years. You've been a homemaker for 15 years. So now it's like, I'm getting old. What do I do now? This relationship is not working. What do I do now? Because I don't know myself outside of being in this relationship, being this housewife. I don't know myself outside of that. The best thing she can do, excuse me, at this point, is go and find her a job, and do something different than what you were doing in order to take your mind off being a housewife. - We'll check out the jail or trade. - That's the obvious, but remember, that's easier said than done, because I don't know myself outside of this marriage. This is all I've ever known. - Well, I need to be her therapist. 'Cause I would tell her, look, I understand what you're saying, but if you want a better you out of this situation, these are the steps you're gonna have to take, 'cause you're gonna have to forget about this 15 years of being a housewife in order to get past this where you at right now. - But think about, I'm sorry, Fred. - No, no, go ahead. - I was gonna say, just think about how much the world can change in 15 years. So like, it is much easier said than done, you know, 'cause you've been complacent on being a housewife, and all of a sudden, you have to go into the workforce. And the skill set that you may have had 15 years ago has totally changed, it may not even be relevant. - Well, walk the door, greet us. - Oh, keep this in mind, keep this in mind. The title of the show is reasons why people stay in unhealthy relationships. Not saying that she won't, or she can't go and reinvent herself, but the reason why they stay is because they don't know themselves outside of this. - And reinventing yourself can also be draining, you know, the energy that it take to try to find who you are now can be draining and it may not just want, they may not want to go through that. - Okay, here's another reason why people stay in unhealthy relationship. Their partner is emotionally abusive. Keyword, emotionally abusive. - So they stay, they stay in it to deal with emotion. - They stay in emotional, abusive relationships. You guys can't see that? - Not staying, not, staying, leaving, but not staying. - I think one of the reasons why people stay in these unhealthy relationships, whether it's abusive or whatever is due to the fact they got kids together. That's the most of the main reason that some of these marriages go on so long. And these people are unhappy in these marriages because they have kids. And I can understand where that makes a bigger statement on, okay, we're trying to raise a healthy adult in an unhealthy relationship. So that's, you have to be strong in order to do that. I mean, that would be my only reason for staying in an unhealthy relationship. If that was a situation for me, it would have to be kids involved. And I wanna raise them a certain way. And for them to see a household a certain way, for them being better, people are understanding how it should go, it would have to be for kids. But nothing else, man, for me, I mean. - Okay, so now for these people who stay in unhealthy relationships because their partner is emotionally abusive, emotionally abused people question their instincts and doubt themselves. A person who is regularly gaslights and manipulates their partner, they don't take accountability, right? And they cause their partners to feel as if they're always wrong. So if you're being emotionally abused at some point, it takes a psychological hold on you and you don't even trust your own instincts now because you know them, let me give you an example. - I know them. - Let me give you an example. So if I come in and I say, hey, don't take this goddamn trash out until I say take it out, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, right? Because y'all don't know if I got some stuff to throw away, right? And I'm constantly going off about that. Now, I come in one day and the trash is overflow to the point to where it's all over the flow and a person would come and sense no to it. Okay, I just need to take the trash. I just fall all over the flow. But you're so damn scared of this emotional abuse or how I'm gonna react, you questioning whether or not you should even take this trash out. - Knowing you're gonna get cussed out 'cause it's-- - Because, because, because I see it all overflowing, I see it all over the places everywhere. But the last time I did that, it wasn't overflowing, but he was tripping. So I don't know if I should take this trash out or not. - That sound like they just ain't got no promises. - But I see the gas like, what you mean? 'Cause you have those people that make you sick. Am I, it could be something you doing correctly. I get up, I wash my face, brush my teeth. And she could hit you with something like, why do you do it in that order? It's better if you drink some water first and then rinse it, you know, and just make you think, man, man, have I been doing this wrong my whole life? And really, it's just the way she does it. She just wanna be right, or it could be vice versa. He could be right or wanna be right. And it just makes you think, "Damn, am I doing that wrong?" (laughing) You know what I'm saying? - Yeah, believe it or not, there's people who are emotionally abused and they stay in those relationships, even though they're emotionally abused. So here's another reason why people stay in unhealthy relationships over functioning in the relationship. So here's the deal. You may have learned to, a person may have learned to associate love with having to earn it and fight for it in order for the relationship to be real. Your condition to fix, save, or fight for the relationship at the expense of yourself. - Yeah. - You follow me? So, for a person who's in a relationship, some of these people are like, well, if you don't fight for it, then you must don't love me. Or you gotta earn my respect, you gotta earn my love. - Yeah, I think that's when it becomes, to me that's kind of some sort of emotion deal. Reason why I say that is because emotional and manipulative. - Absolutely, that's a good word right there. Because if I tell you you're not fighting for me and you say, okay, well, I need to fight harder and now you start changing what you do to be with somebody, they controlled your mind at that point. - Exactly, I just seen a clip. Y'all probably seen this same clip. It was one of them, R&B, Divas, Army, Housewife. She was kind of thick girls. She was saying, you know what, I've made a decision and I think we should just go ahead and part ways. So, the dude was like, okay, she got up. She said you're not gonna fight for me? You gotta, I thought, he was like, well, you just said your mind was made up. - See, here's the thing, knowing your significant other has a lot to do with whether or not you can be manipulated or whether or not they're gonna be able to manipulate you. You have to already know this about this person. 'Cause comedian 96, you were saying that you have to fight for him or, you know, in any two ways, if she gonna sit there and tell you that then she knows that it's gonna affect you in a major way to make you wanna try to get back at her. And then what she'll start doing is little gang playing. - Exactly, and that's what females have to understand. - Now she's just dragged you in to this emotional deal. - Yeah. - That's gonna make you stay. And that's what, this is the thing. This what females are on, see, I'm grown, see, back in the day, how would it work? 19, 20, 21, 25, 20, somewhere around there. Now, my thought is, why should I fight for you if you're going to another dude on your own? Why? Why? If he's raping you, I'll fight for you. If he's raping you, if he's bothering you, I'll fight for you. But if you're willingly calling this man and saying, hey, our vice versa, the girl can be calling the guy, or the guy can be calling the girl, it doesn't matter. Why fight for some shit that you, you fucking win me with games, I can't try and play with you. - I think because women have this thing to where they feel like they wanna know how much you care, you have to care. - I don't care if you're going to talk to another guy. Because see, what she's doing is giving herself space to do you dirty. You feel what I'm saying? That's the space that she's getting. - She playing with five, because you can go with the new person. - That's right. - That's right. - Yeah. - So you wouldn't consider the feelings that you had, you just let them go just like that? - If it's that easy for, here's the thing. I don't want you to hurt me more, 'cause you know I'm kind of crazy, right? So I don't want you to hurt me more, so I'ma let you go. Because the more and more I get feelings for you, the more and more my actions could do. You could do stuff that split second shit that gets you locked up. I don't wanna be in a situation when I'm doing split second things where I'm, "Oh man, why you do that?" No, go. - You're not gonna get me at this angle. - You ain't got to get me at this angle. - You ain't got to get me at this angle. - And Mall, something got there. - Yeah, yeah, I'll let you wanna do that, go with him. Go! - I'm not gonna fight if you willing to call this man, and you just try to make me down the goal. Bye, see you. - Yeah. - See, I ain't finna, I ain't finna, man, bye. - Yeah, but you know a lot of people not that strong, and women know they're significant others. - Don't get it twisted, I'ma cry for two months. I know I am. - Women know whether they man is strong and ain't gonna go through that manipulation state. - Right, but I have too much to lose to even just, like if you not by my side, I got too much to lose. I can't deal with a girl that's not on my team. Like that's, you know, grown men feel like that. - Yeah, I'm not finna deal with that, bye. - Okay, and so another reason why people stay in unhealthy relationships is they're confusing chemistry for compatibility. So when there's a strong chemistry early on, it can be mistaken for compatibility. - Yes. - And red flags may be overlooked. - I think so a person creates a fantasy relationship in their head rather than seeing the person that's actually in front of them. So letting go of the relationship means having to face the fact that their fantasy that's in their head. - It's dead, it's not real at all. - So I'ma say, I'ma oppose that. I'ma say accountability. I'ma say, this is another show we had long, we talked about this, I don't look for compatibility, I look for connection, there's a difference. Capitability, yeah, we both like spinach, we both like some other pork chops, that's a connection. That's a, that's a, what's the word of look we just said, not a counter. That's so compatible, that's the word I'ma say. - So but you say you look for connection. - So that means the connection is not sparks, but more of that person getting, we're on the same page. - So let me ask you this. 'Cause you said connection, right? Now I just said that the reason for people staying in unhealthy relationship is they confuse chemistry with compatibility. So my question to you is, is chemistry and connection different for you? - Yes, talk to me. - Okay, chemistry is more of, along the lines of compatibility, right? - Okay, I know, they confuse chemistry for compatibility, so obviously those are two different. - Let me make the connection part clear. Connection is, I meet a female and we, she says, I just want a man that I want to get on his page, I can help him out and see, that's what I'm looking for, that's a connection, right? And I want to help her, you know, I'm looking for a woman, I want to help her out. - Okay, so that's our connection, that's the thing. - That's the connection. - That's the connection. Now we can plug in, we can plug and play, so to speak. We can plug and play. - That connection, but she says she's looking for what now? - That, she's looking, she says to me, I'm looking for a man that I can support, that can nurture me and help me and blah, blah, blah. And I'm looking for the same thing in a woman, that is a connection. 'Cause if a woman says, I want to do, that's going to invest in me, I'm not, blah, that's not what I'm looking for, that's not a connection, that's a disconnect. - So would that, so, doesn't that make y'all compatible? - No, it's a, it's a difference. - Because a compatible could easily be, like I just said, I like fried chicken, she like fried chicken, that's simple. 'Cause we could have a lot of stuff in common, compatibility, we could have a lot of stuff in common, but that is not going to make the relationship. The connection between her and I, is what's going to make-- - So help me to understand what a chemistry is, Dan. - Chemistry is-- - You got a chemistry with somebody. - Man, look, chemistry is y'all vibing on the same page, having a good time. - I am, chemistry to me is more of a companionship. And connection, chemistry, compatibility, all of those live in the same house, but they're slightly different. - And that's what I'm trying to understand. So I said that people confuse chemistry for compatibility. And then I explained why. Then Community 96 says he looks at it from a connection point of view. And so that's where I needed clarity, because it sounds as if he's saying, connection is different from chemistry. - Yeah, it ain't really almost the same. - And connection is totally different from compatibility. So I'm trying to get some clarity-- - So as to what is connection in his mind? - Chemistry connection could be the same. If you wanna-- - It's sort of. - I think it's a thin line between the two, and trying to differentiate wouldn't be easy. But it is a thin line. - Because chemistry, when you think of chemistry, it's y'all on the same vibe. Y'all like the same type of music. Y'all do the same, you know, like the same colors. The car is the same, that chemistry is there, or it can be opposite, it's a track. It's all, you know, in the same house. And I think it depends on the two individuals where this is happening in order for them to make a decision on whether or not it would be connectivity or a chemistry deal. Because connectivity means our chemistry was there, and now we locked in. To me. - Okay. All right, so the next reason that I have listed here is the reason why people stay in unhealthy relationships is because they believe that relationships are hard and this is just a rough patch in the road. So basically, relationships are hard, and they require work. But truthfully, relationships shouldn't be hard. A relationship shouldn't require you to sacrifice your values and sense of self. - I think this is to each its own, because if you know that somebody, like you say, a potential in somebody, you know if you have a potential in somebody, you know if they care enough about you to change anything about their self. You know, and I know that people stay in relationships, but I think that these situations make it harder because yeah, relationships are hard and yeah, it can be a rough patch. But at the same time, you know the person that you're dealing with if they even had a potential for you to hang around that long. I mean, I don't know why anybody was staying in an abusive relationship period, but people do. - So I get it. So you hear this a lot, especially when it comes to marriage. You always hear marriage is work. - Mm hmm, you say it's a job. - All right, say that what you get. - Marriage is work. - You hear it? - It's work. - Is work. - Oh, this is work, okay. - Yeah, you hear it a lot. Especially in marriages when people say, there's a lot of marriage in work. - Yes, it's a job. - I mean, a lot of work in marriages. I mean, marriage is a job. And so, people start to think that, okay, I mean, this relationship, and this relationship is unhealthy, but they're unconsciously not knowing that they're in an unhealthy relationship because they associate relationships as being hard. - Yeah, they just. - They associate it with being hard and thinking that, okay, all relationships is not peaches and cream. - No. - We're all related, some, I mean, there's gonna be some rough patches in relationships, so, but they're not knowing that they're in an unhealthy relationship. - Well, that's why. - They stay in those relationships. - When you go into, when going into a relationship, this is when you have to make a decision. If you're gonna allow it to be a certain way, you know what I'm saying? And the only way to do that is to hold that conversation with that person that you're trying to end into this relationship. You have to let it all light in the open in order to not have these issues where you're in an unhealthy relationship, because again, I understand when you say, yeah, people stay together because they're in a relationship and they think it's just a rough patch. However, it could just be a rough patch, but how do you know? You have to have some sort of faith in your partner to just not give up if you stand in there. It's gotta be something there that makes you stay and say, you know what, it's got, she got potential, and I know we can get past this. - No, Fred, Gee, you, and I could be wrong, but I've heard this from a lot of married people. And you said earlier on this particular one, relationships shouldn't be hard, but I hear a lot of married people say marriage is a hard. - Yeah, that's what I just said. - That's not what you said in the beginning. You said it shouldn't be hard. - Hear what I say, hear what I say, hear what I say. I say, we hear oftentimes from married people that relationships are hard, that there's a lot of work in relationship. - Correct. - But what I was saying is, hey, truth of the matter is, relationships shouldn't be hard. It shouldn't require you to sacrifice your values and sense of self. Your relationships shouldn't be, I mean, it actually should be a stable security force in your life, rather than causing distress and disconnection from your authentic self. So I did say that a relationship shouldn't be hard, but I also said you hear a lot of married people say that man relationships are hard and it requires a lot of work. - Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Okay, yeah, yeah, I missed on this. Okay, so I agree with Slashte. - I agree with Slashte. - I think people also stay for fear of having fear of considering the fact that they failed, that the fear of wanting to fail. - That's really good. And see, again, that's low self-esteem. And that's worse, because now it's single, singular, low self-esteem. You the only one with low self-esteem. Now, you know what I mean? Because now you feel like, man, I didn't make it, I wasn't able to do it. How does your partner feel? Did they just move on with their life and leave you behind? You the one that's low self-esteem, or how is this already out still in a relationship, but y'all not communicating these issues. That's why it's unhealthy. - Normally, when it gets to that point, you just going through the motion. - Just going through the motion. - Yep. - Okay, well, in closing, man, after listening to today's episode, and you think your relationship is unhealthy, ask yourself, is it worth continuing? This concludes another dope episode. Tune in tomorrow for 3/3. Don't forget to follow us on text, formerly known as Twitter, @52stoppodcast on Instagram and Facebook, @52stoppodcast. No problem on YouTube. Don't forget to hit that like and subscribe button. 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