"Welcome everyone, we by the way, Zashem Shalambai is sheer number 471. Like we mentioned many times, there is a lot of confusion regarding the topic of Agrna. And a lot of reasons why it's not taught well is because people haven't figured out what Shalambai is actually is. For example, Thrachen and Calat instructor assumes that Shalambai is defined as a home in which two partners live, try to get along without fighting. Then the midst of intimate relationship aspects, Agrna, is meaningless. If feelings of love and a deeper connection between the couple does not exist, so other than having some physical pleasure, what's the purpose of engaging in this physical act? Or they believe it's sort of a necessary, what can you do? But they don't really place any value in it if they feel that way. And the confusion is what some of these instructors feel and what leads them to ultimate ideas in how they present this mitzvah. So to persuade their students to undertake an act that had now been not familiar to them, they resort to all these different types of methods, either they go into deep kabola aspects about why the physical union is important, or they go into just practically how to feed each other's physical desires. But once one understands what ideal Shalambai is, what is it? It's defined by the existence of the closest possible feelings that a husband and wife could have for each other, then everything becomes clear. Because when you internalize that idea, then the focus of marriage is to build a deep relationship between a husband and a wife, belave of an afish with their heart and soul. Then you begin to understand what I never really means. It exclusively is the closest physical and emotional union possible. That's the only way how it can be manifested and expressed in this world by the mitzvah saina. Some people call this shear, like the last shear, the last shear, the codename of how many people talk about that, they're going to talk about this subject the very last shear before they become, they get married, and the truth is that the closeness and the warm feelings is the main purpose of this. And you cannot give over this concept without first explaining what does it mean to have a loving relationship with one's spouse. And when you have that, then they could understand what this shear is about. It's a stepping stone or a foundation even of Shala Shalambai is if that's the goal. If they have the goal in mind that it's the purpose is to create the closest physical and emotional union possible, then that quote unquote last shear comes into place. He brings down, there's going to be terrorist sources based on many different swarms. One is called Mishkani's Thrall by someone Rabbi Schlanger, who brings a lot of my almecamus. There's a shorter version called Ayo Rakhal about this. There's a safer that came out recently in English being abized by Ramocha, Aaron Shala Toitz, not for pronouncing it right. And that has Haskamis from Shmol Urbakh, Chaim Kiyevsky, Aaron Feldman. And that one best shall we will either go over in the series or in the Panimi group series. And a lot of what we're going to say will be based on that. The idea of the emotions of feelings coming naturally, sometimes it may not come so naturally. People have different likes, different dislikes, different preferences. And intimacy, the intimate relations is unique for each couple. And a husband and wife for themselves, each one individually, needs to figure out for themselves what works for them as a couple. And that also helps greatly. The key behind this, before we even start talking about the subject of the detail, is the idea of balance, tired of being in the middle way. You have Avram towards kindness, and Yitzchak towards discipline, seemingly to opposites although they really weren't, and Yaku blending the two. Rare being in the middle, not too much to the right, not too much to the left, balance. Balance is always the key. People make a mistake, they think balance is pariv, pariv means, nishtahin, nishtahair, you know, not too hot, not too cold. If they place lack of importance to balance, that is false. You see, when you are in the middle road because you don't, you know, you're just a chicken. I don't know if I should go this way, that way, oh, I'll play it safe, I'll go in the middle. That's right, then it's a weakness. But when you're going in the middle path, because of a specific purpose, this taira is dark anoyam, is the way of pleasantness, taira is the derahamam, what's in the middle road, to then it is a strength, and that is the concept. Everything has its time and place according to taira. There's no such thing as good and bad inherently. But it's very, very good, in large measure or not, it'll kill the food. But in smaller measures, it's very, very good. Is water a good thing? Of course water is a good thing, right, without water you can't survive. But water could be dangerous. People lost their lives in water. Fire. Fire a good thing? Of course it's a good thing. You could heat homes with it, you could cook food with it, but if you use it responsibly, you could burn a house down. Classifies, people died because of fires, food is same thing. You don't eat enough, you could get sick, you could starve. Over eating could make one sick as well. So what's it about? Healthy balance. Eating is in a mitzvah or a vera. Depends. Irvian kipper. Mitzvah to eat. A day later, it's a great a vera to eat. Kind of sester, you can't, you're not supposed to eat, for those who are able to fast. Purim. Mitzvah to eat. That's a balanced timing issue. That's Tyra. Same thing holds without daily lives. And same thing holds with physical intimacy between a husband and a wife. Basically it depends on the right time and the right place. And in the right time and in the right place is the most beautiful thing, and when it's out of balance, it could become damaging. So one has to be careful pertaining to that. He mentions, like we mentioned, this is not how Lakhashir, people sometimes, sometimes bring things down sort of, but always rely on a halakhic authority. Most of the people, when they ask different questions, the answer really is some Rabana will say fine. Some Rabana will say it's not fine. And you have to follow the Derek of Yerav, ideally. So it's impossible not to mention any halakhic aspects. But it's not a halakhab sak. Again, we mention many times that this year don't take place of asking a rev or having a rev or, in some cases, having a mentor in your real life. Rashi says, on the words, matayvu, a halakhiaqayv, that Billum said this because he saw the Jewish homes were separated from each other for privacy, that their entrances would not parallel to each other so that conceals the inside of the home for, you know, from their view. Al-Sha'raah, pisqayim, shayayim, mu'zayim, mu'zayim, mu'zayim, mu'zayim, mu'zayim. Their entrances were not aligned with one another. It's from Baba Bassar, dakasamah, hallah, thum alalah. Right, he saw, he looked up his eyes, he said, Billum is ain't up. The Yaris, these are all shaykh English, what they dwelled in its tribes. What did he see? He saw shaykh in pisayim, allayham, (speaking in foreign language) the Amars of Billum realized, (speaking in foreign language) it's right, that shaykh comes on them. That act of snaest is the source of the Brahma. And therefore, even with these shiurim, it's on one hand, you know, people have to know about it. That's why the shiurim are given and others of their like. On the other hand, it's a balance when it's to be responsible with that information. The idea of snaest, by the way, when it says that the entrances were not near open to you towards each other, it aligns with also not being jealous or not, I recognize you that what's yours is yours and what someone else is and someone else doesn't mix with each other. In other words, by their, if their entrances would have been aligned with one another, seeing what other one has or is doing, that would decrease the blessing in your own home. This is what people don't realize. What people don't realize is, is Hashem will shower more Brahma on your home and in your marriage when you don't look at other people's homes and marriages in this comparison game type of thing or else Ainhara or Kinna or jealousy. You may think it's for the right reasons, but if it's not for the right reasons. And therefore, it's best to not align the entrances. Be happy with your own lot. If there are things that need to be worked through in your own life, you ask Hashem for help. And he gives you that siamaya, siamaya. Now, the first thing he talks about, which we mentioned we had in the sundish year and we had a particular letter that was written at about H. Nain Shiorim, Sundays, going through a letter. And he addresses it in that letter. We addressed it in other aspects. One of the most difficult parts of teaching Hasanam and Kallis and preparing them for the Hasana and for married life and creates a lot of trepidation actually, really pachad and a lot of confusion is as they get closer to the wedding, they get very confused about the contradiction of what they were taught till then versus what they're being taught now. For example, throughout the Yeshivi years, boys were educated in Shmir, saying, I am, watch your eyes. Shmir, samaakshava, watch your thoughts. Part of that is that you remove from yourself any type of imagery of feelings of affection between a male and a female, a husband and a wife, a man to a woman, that any acts of affection, displays of affection is something that us Jews have nothing to do with. I knew, I know intellectually, they realized they learned things over the years to realize it is not so, but they're not growing up that way. Therefore, this whole subject matter of a relationship between a husband and a wife or a man and a woman is offensive or taboo in this book or his mind. And then all of a sudden, right before the chasana, they realized that the married life entails these taboo acts. To do actually these things, these acts that till now, what we were told, they were told, it's disgusting, it's the meaning, it's the opposite of caducia, it'll mess up your life. And here, you're about to be married in supposed to do these things and be really happy to do these things and being involved in it and being happy to have those feelings and those physical, you know, hormonal aspects leading to that permits us on it. And now all of a sudden, it's a good thing. And they can't wrap their heads around it. And it troubles many girls as well. You were told, "Can't sleep at Sinesis." And you learn how (speaking in foreign language) "Can't sleep at Sinesis." And all of a sudden, you realize here, you're being told that it's important and healthy and good to engage in acts, not just to have children, but also in the marital relationship itself, to engage in these physical acts. Even wearing nice underwear lingerie for their husbands and whatever else I'm not gonna get into the graphic aspects of it. And it's traumatizing. Because you're being told opposite, act in an opposite way, so to speak, of what you were told, told now, by doing these things. It's terrible, it's horrific, it's not good, it's a lack of, it's opposite, it's sneeze, it's it. And it creates such a trauma that when it hits their wedding night if they're not taught the right way, they become very, very confused, even afraid, and or worse, even traumatized, or even more so, like dead in themselves. Why dead, because when you feel perplexed and dread, it causes a person to suppress their emotions, sometimes even shut down. That's the brain's defense mechanism. A huston or a collar shuts down this way. And they have difficulty actively getting involved in this mitzvahina, or being emotionally present during the mitzvahina. It's a mental shutdown. It's very, very common by airless boys and girls because of the way it was taught or the way it was brought out in the earlier years. We had, we went through this, and it's a controversial subject. It's not so simple of how much you do say about these in the onum, in the ages, when you're 14, 15, 16, and so on, how to deal with it. Some people feel that you basically have to say that it's emphatically prohibited, 'cause otherwise you won't have the tools to fight against the azzahara that strives to throw you into these things. So instead it's easy simply to say, block it out of your head, it's all negative, and you don't talk about the positive aspects of a physical, you know, potentially in those years. You're not getting married anyway, so what's the point, just block it out of your head. It's a bad thing and move on. Others feel, and seem to be loining that way, that no, that with the right hydrothera you could explain to even a 14, 15, 16 year old that it has a tireless, just have to channel it, and it won't affect them negatively, it'll even be beneficial. But the idea being is to switch gears. If you were taught it as a negative thing, that it took away from Yerukhius, what's gonna happen now is, by the way, if you have a boy that felt that any sexual feeling they had as a teenager or pre-marriage negatively affects their spirituality, and now with one's wife, is natural to have those sexual feelings, especially when it comes to engaging it in midst of something we're supposed to have those sexual feelings. But even in general, it's likely normal to happen, if the boy has in his mind that this brings down your affect to Sasham, there'll be a negativity towards one's wife sooner or later. And we know that it's supposed to be the opposite. It's a mitzvah. Once it's a mitzvah, it falls into the category, like Shleiman, David Amalik himself said, into Helim. Perik, Yutess, Pasik Test. Tikude, Hashem, Yisharim, Nissam, Rehleif. The pakudim, the dictates of Hashem are right. The Samhheleif bring joy to the heart. Now, when people say this in Chastaira, pakuday, Hashem, Yisharim, they're thinking about mitzvahs, like Trillin, like Mrs. Zuzah, like Talmud Tyra. It's that they learn Tyra, it's straight, and it brings joy to the heart, you're serving Hashem. We're sitting in a sukkah, or keeping shabbis. (speaks in foreign language) People don't align it with Aina. Aina's a mitzvah, like anything else. It's supposed to be Yisharim, it is straight, and it's Mrs. Samhheleif. It brings joy to the heart when done the right way. The problem is, is lack of clarity continues way into marriage, years later, decades later, with this confusion and doubts. And that's another purpose of these type of shiyurim. In Simhakatar as Asfakus, there's nothing more joyous than becoming clear from all these doubts. And that is another purpose of the shiyurim that's Hashem that can help, not just people going into marriage, with people that are already married for decades even, to reframe their thoughts about these things, and to bring couples closer together. Brakhavatsla.
the confusing paradox regarding how chassanim and kallas can feel as they are being taught about mitzvas onah before the wedding;
how this confusion can have negative effects even after years of marriage and how to correct it;
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