Sholom Bayis and important life topics

Ep. 1067 - (FI # 156) Learning the language of needs; review of 7 intimacy levels; be the encouraging angel to help people grow.

learning the language of needs; review of 7 intimacy levels; be the encouraging angel to help people grow; Email address for feedback, questions, and insights is sholombayis777@gmail.com, or to reach out via WhatsApp at +1 347 578 0669.

Duration:: 15m
Broadcast on:: 31 Dec 2024
Audio Format:: other

learning the language of needs;
review of 7 intimacy levels;
be the encouraging angel to help people grow;

Email address for feedback, questions, and insights is sholombayis777@gmail.com, or to reach out via WhatsApp at +1 347 578 0669.

Welcome everyone, we're about to give them the Schamp feedback and insights sheer number 156. We are talking about legitimate needs versus illegitimate once, and we're talking about learning the language of needs. We need to understand our basic needs. For example, if one knows they need eight hours, seven hours sleep, and if they don't have that for a couple of nights in the row, they become irritable or moody or easily distractive or ineffective, then it's very important to do your best to get that sleep. Matthew Kelly himself says he goes on road trips and takes a staff along. He does his best to work out his schedules with them, not too late, not too early, unless it's absolutely necessary so that his staff and the people around him that he loves and respects get their adequate sleep. Over the years, he realized that no matter how demanding the road life was for his staff and the schedule gets busy and stressful, that the need for exercise increases. The adrenaline pump and just get that out of the system is very healthy, and there are times where he would encourage them to push themselves to do that hour exercise when they would rather just take in an hour nap, even though sleep is important, but that exercise is important. So he evaluates the needs. So this, he calls it the seventh level of intimacy, is knowing and recognizing and honoring each other's legitimate needs, which is a yeside, a foundation of every relationship, not just between parents and children, employees and employers, but between a husband and a wife. And it's not about you fulfilling your husband or wife's needs and neglecting your own. No, we're not talking about neglecting your own, your own real needs. You need to receive in a healthy way, but rather it's about what he calls a gentle, but sometimes not so gentle, give and take of sharing and knowing and striving to fulfill each other's needs. It's a real strong discussion between any married couple, not just the give, give, give, give, give, give, give, give. But yes, giving, but I need to receive too. I want to hear what you need to receive, and then I'll tell you what I feel I need to receive and learn how to receive and give to the point where it's received well and in a healthy way. McCabble, machpia, machpia, machabal, giving and taking. We said this, I originally heard this, I think, from Rabbi Shays Taub, so I give him the credit. He was talking to men then, but women need to listen to this too. Is that generally speaking, men are considered the machabal, the machpia rather, the other ones who are supposed to be the ones that are the giving, the givers, and then the wife is supposed to be the one that's machabal, that she's the one that's supposed to receive. And when he gives, he has to give without expectation of any return and just give and she receives. Now at the outset it seems, hey, this is like a not a fear deal. Husband is required to give, give, give no expectation of anything in return and a wife is just going to receive, receive, take, take, take, take, take, and sometimes even be selfish about it. It comes to me. I'm a woman, I'm a machabal, so just bring it on. But again, that's very superficial way of looking at it. The way he explains it is, similar to the rain, we're going to give the example of the rain, although to create crops on the earth, you need more than rain, you need sunlight, certain weather conditions, but let's use the analogy of a rain. The husband is like the rain, he needs to provide it to the earth. The earth is compared to a woman, she's machabal, the rain from the earth, from the sky, the rain. Through that she produces, an idea being is, he has to give the rain as needed unconditionally without any expectation of return. But what happens in nature automatically is the earth, which was stagnant, which had nothing. Again, you need seeds too, you need other conditions as well, but the bottom line is, in and of itself, it cannot produce anything without that rain. So when you give that rain, then what happens, yes, the earth receives, receives, receives, the sunlight, receives the rain, receives everything, receives the seed that's, seeds that are planted in there, but ultimately what does the earth give afterwards? Vegetables, grass life, trees, life, saving herbs, and so on and so forth, it gives, it gives, it gives a million times over. So a woman is not passive. She has to be, like a machabal, allow the acceptance of receiving for the sake of giving, but the husband, he can't think, "Oh, I'm not going to plant the seed. I'm not going to give the rain." Then you get nothing. You have to give the rain unconditionally as needed, and the sunlight, and the seeds, and everything, give without any expectation. And right now, what does the earth have to offer? Nothing. Nothing's growing yet. Everything's beneath the surface. You don't see anything. There's no giving yet. But ultimately, this produces those life-giving beautiful orchards and rose gardens, and fruits of so many different varieties, and grain, and so on and so forth, and it gives way more than was originally given. So in a very unusual way, the woman at the end is giving a thousand times more than the husband gave initially. But it happened because of a mirror. It happened because of a chamein, punnum, al punnum. It happened because of what we call the esruusa, the lassata, meaning a husband's effort to give for the sake of giving, when at that point in time, the earth is not producing anything. Then later, the earth will produce and give you ten times over. And that is a good analogy between a husband and a wife as well, in general. He needs to think of giving unconditionally. She receives for the right reasons, but for the purpose of down the road. Once receiving and being filled up, she'll give way and beyond, and then she's a nice thing too. Then she becomes a matchpia, and he becomes a macabal. That's why in the sexual life as well, it's about him fulfilling her sexual desires. But ultimately, she'll give back a hundred times over if he does that, and she will do what she can't to fulfill his desires when this whole dynamic is done the right way. Done the right way means fulfilling your husband's wife's needs, not necessarily neglecting your own. That's not the word, but the healthy discussions of what each one needs and how it's provided and when it's provided. So he went through the seven levels, but the idea is it goes from the most professional to the most profound. His level one was cliches, just facts and just informational, which really doesn't really do much. We resort to cliches when we cover up a hurt or a need or there's a barrier. Next level was honoring each other's personal history, learning more about each other's lives. Third level, what he feels is accepting each other despite the differing opinions and expectations. That does lead the door to open deep levels of intimacy because you're allowing the comfortable sharing of hopes and dreams and aspirations. These lead to deeper intimacy. His level four is to set aside your selfish desires and look at the collective hopes and dreams of each one and affirm them and be willing to delay your own gratification to fulfill the dreams and aspirations of your husband or wife. The fifth level is the being vulnerable, expressing the deep feelings. Sixth level is the wisdom to admit our faults and our failings. And this seventh level of legitimate needs in fulfilling them is extremely, extremely key. It's not what, you know, we recognize that it's not what we want, that is the most important. It's what we actually need and we mix the two up so much. We get so confused between the two, but we have to turn our backs and reject this philosophy of what is it, what's in it for me? Now again, you have a right to look for a good shiddhach and you have a right to look for certain qualities and good midais and vahavthir acha kamaycha. It's okay to look for someone that would be physically appealing to you. That itself is not the philosophy of what's in it for me. Here's where we don't can't get confused. You can't go the other extreme either. You know, if you know certain types of things bother you, make believe it doesn't exist is also not healthy. You know, if you want a husband or wife, whichever one is looking for the shiddhach, a boy and girl, you want them to be, you know, you're not looking for something crazy and unrealistic, but you want a certain level of attractiveness within the boy or girl that you're dating, that's not the philosophy of what's in it for me. Now, if you go overboard with that, then it is a what's in it for me. See, in a sense, it's a matter of a balance. It's a matter of a balance. So, it's okay to look for someone that is some, you know, to a degree reasonable, reasonable, not clouds in the sky, fantasy, but reality of, yes, I want to marry someone that I could feel I could be with, you know, uncomfortable with. The fact that part of it is you want to experience the sexual experiences, that's also fine. That's also not in it of itself what's in it for me or the idea of having a companion to remove some the loneliness and to share things with and to give and take with each other. That's also not what's in it for me, but it's the hyper focus of it. If you're just thinking about the sexual when you're getting married, that's what I want and this is the goal or just the money or just this or just that, that's the one that's what's in it for me. That's when it becomes a secondo. So, it's not about what's in it for me. That's that, that, that is the question. The question really is how can I help you, you, the one you're dating that ultimately, one of them will be the one you marry, how can I help you to become what you're created to be? Then the relationship is a thoughtful, caring relationship where you're honoring each other, where you're helping each other, where there's a deep love, because when there's unrealistic expectations of one another, when you have the what's in it for me attitude, it will lead to disappointment, resentment, anger, frustration, because these are signs that your needs are not being met. When your needs are not being met, you're going to be angry and frustrated and full of stress. But when you understand that it's not a matter of need per se, but of healthy wants and understanding each other's concept of it, and honoring each other for it, then it becomes a beautiful thing, because it's not what's in it for me anymore. The Gomara says, it's fascinating that this Matthew Kelly, who is certainly, I think he's Irish, he's not Jewish, but he quotes this Gomara. Every blade of grass has a malach that bends over and whispers to it and tells it, God, they'll grow. It's a patharish a chazal. Now, again, he took this, he heard this, and he used it for a beautiful purpose. And he said, I heard this Gomara. He's not a, doesn't learn Gomara, he heard this saying somewhere that every blade of grass has its malach telling him and whispering at the grow. That's what he wanted to be. He wanted to be that angel, that malach to say, grow. That's what, that's what it is. And we all need encouragement. And we need encouragement for those we love to give us the courage when we are afraid, to give us hope when we're in despair, to give us light when it appears that it's dark, to give us faith when we're full of doubts, to give us joy when we feel sorrow, and when we are in turbulence to give us peace. And we need to be that malach. Just like that malach tells every grass to grow, we need to be that malach for everybody. Grow, grow. Become the best version of yourself. (speaking in foreign language)