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(upbeat music) (upbeat music) - Well, hello, and welcome to Watch what Crap is. A podcast for all the crap that we just love to talk about on Yiddo Braws. I'm Ronnie, that's Ben uni. Hello, little Ben. How are you? - Hi, how are you? What's going on? - Happy third day of the new year. - Third day, yeah, we're here. We made it. - Have you achieved everything you wanted to achieve? - Yeah, pretty much. I think we're good. - You mean to me? - You nailed it. - Yeah. - Still hot, so that was my only goal, so I've achieved that so far. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Everybody, guess what you're gonna achieve? Come to see us live, 'cause that's what we're doing this year. - We start in the West Coast, San Diego and San Francisco, coming up very soon, you know, this month, the end of the month, so go get your tickets at watchwhatcrapins.com. Also, the Golden Crapies are on February 1st, on Broadway in New York City at the Town Hall. We're so excited to be back at that place. Cannot wait for you guys to come to that. It's gonna be a fantastic show. We're gonna have a big musical extravicons. We're still putting it together now. We just started product. We started pre-pro, and it's been really amazing so far. So, yeah, we have, I'll just say it, we have two Broadway singers already coming to perform. So it's gonna be great. - Why are you saying that? You're not supposed to say that. - It's us. - Yeah, it's us, 'cause we will be singing on Broadway, technically. So come check that out, we're stiked, and we're gonna be on tour all winter. So come check it out at watchwhatcrapins.com. We're gonna be in your city soon, most likely. - And guess what? This is on Patreon 'cause it's a video. All our episodes are videos now, they're on Patreon. If you want them right when they come out, Patreon, if you want to wait a week and watch them for free, you can do that too. We're not here to rob you. You can catch them at youtube.com. Also, we're doing bonus episodes. We were doing sold on SLC as bonuses. We like it, we're gonna still keep up with it, but guys, guess what? It's coming out next week. The traders, and we have to recap that, and we're full on the regular sketch, and traders doesn't really need a full 10-hour recap. So we're gonna do our regular half an hour catch up weekly over on Patreon with the traders. That starts next week. We'll be doing a cast preview very soon of that. So check that out, won't ya? Won't ya? So excited. I cannot wait for the traders. I feel like I've been waiting months for this, months, they announced the cast back over the summer, and I'm like, why did they announce it so far ahead of time? I can't deal with it, but it is finally happening, and I am thrilled. Also, Southern Hospitality is back, and we'll have a recap of that next week. Monday, yeah, starting Monday. All right, everybody. Let's jump into this episode of Southern Charm. Continues to feel like a reset season, even though there's not new people. I mean, there are some new people, and we do get a glimpse of some newbies this year. It does still feel like a total reset, I think just because they're really leaning into, let's just not worry about people getting together in groups, and just have them hanging out at home. And it's weird in a way. They're doing it differently this year, and I'm not complaining yet. I'm enjoying it, what do you think? I mean, Southern Charm has one of the most sprawling casts in all of Bravo, and it's interesting this season because we kind of have drama happening with the old guard, but we also are meeting new people, and I think they're doing a great job of kind of layering the new people, but we're not centering them just yet. We're not forced to suddenly care about people we've only just met. We're just gonna kind of get to know them a little bit, feel them out, and then we're gonna see who gets to stay and who doesn't make it to next season. But I think it's really, really good. I was thinking to myself, I was like, I love this show. This show is such a reliable show, it just works. Even in kind of its crappy seasons, it was still good because it's never been an amazing show. Sometimes there have been some seasons that have been more riveting than others, but because it never shone as bright as like a Vanderpump Rules season one, two, six, or scandal ball season, it never had a season that then was like, oh, this is a shitty, shitty season 'cause the last season was so amazing. Like maybe once it happened. It just is like a steady show that just works, and I'm just really enjoying it this season. - Well, good, right on, okay. - Well, previously, I'm Southern Charm. JD had the face of a hatchet, a beaver, a munchkin, and a walrus all rolled into one and thought that I would let him stick his peepee in my VV. No way, Jose. I'll tell you that much. Have you seen my husband? - Yeah. - Have you seen him? Have I seen him? - Have you seen him? - Well, it's been about six weeks, but he's got a job somewhere else. - I'm glad today that she actually told her husband, well, you got a sister wife somewhere, 'cause I'm convinced this man has one. I'm convinced he's got a family, and everyone keeps emailing us about how normal it is, and you know, it's totally California. He's not gonna quit his job. There's a good pension coming and all that. I get all of that, you guys. I still think he's got a secret life somewhere. I can't help it. It's fair, it's fair. So yeah, so basically there was this dog, this doggy parton party and everything, and everything. - So everything. - Yeah, that was everything. (laughing) - Yeah, guys, that was like a doggy parton party and like everything, and everything. We get everything and everything. - It was everything and everything. - It was everything. Everyone was there except for JT. - And then we met Sally and her puppy, Boots, and you know, I don't trust a person who brings a fresh puppy onto the screen, 'cause I feel like it's just manipulation when people bring a puppy. But here she is, and then Shep brings a girl to the party. You know, she brings, we got Sally bringing a puppy and then a new girl bringing an old dog about to be put down. - It's like show and tell. - Show and tell day on Southern Charm. Remember show and tell? - Yeah, of course. - I still do it. I feel like that's half the podcast sometimes for me. I'm like, guys, look at this. - Yeah, I still do it all the time. And I love the new addition to the music in this one. It was like, and then Shep brings a girl to the party and we just here, we just here. ♪ And she'll spill the tea ♪ (laughing) - No song has been remixed more than the Southern Charm theme song. Like it is out of control. I think it's just a fun challenge. - Hopefully you wouldn't get this many lyrics to it. I don't even remember that. - And she'll spill the tea. - They're adding stuff. - I swear, they're adding a little lyrics that were never part of it. I mean, they always have the don't you know, don't you know. I mean, by the way, Trixie Monica can just relax. Okay, we know, we know by now. ♪ Don't you know, don't you know ♪ - We know, we know, we've been watching for 10 years. ♪ And the latest got a lot go ♪ - That's my favorite one. (laughing) So this time, this episode, it's dark. Classical music is playing. And people are sleeping. Like, we see Madison's how Madison's sleeping. She's like sleeping. And we hear her in her sleep saying, "Have I seen my husband?" (rooster crowing) - Perma corn? (rooster crowing) Play it out? (rooster crowing) - Corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn, corn. (laughing) And then we go to Sally's house. And Sally's up at 4.30 a.m., fresh as the days, looking around in the dark, getting boots out of her little crate to go pee-pee. And she's like, "My day starts at 4.30. I let the dog eye at the yoga, quick shower. I put my scrubs on." And then it's 6.45, I'll go to the hospital. And then I'm surgery till one. I feel like I'm in Grey's Anatomy. (laughing) - First of all, let me just confess to assuming Sally was an idiot. Not because she's blonde and gorgeous. It's not necessarily internalized misogyny or whatever. It is, although I'm aware that that could be a thing, that it could be an issue. It is that she banged both Joey Marbles and Gaston in one episode of Southern Hospitality and then showed up on this show, linked to Gaston still. It's hard when you start out, you can't get respectability by showing up on Southern Hospitality. You know what I mean? - Yeah. - I'm sorry. - It's a tough path, it's a tough path. - I might just do my robot surgery because you've been on Southern Hospitality. Get your fucking robot hands away from me, robot surgery lady. - It is very surprising to know that she actually has not just a job, but a profession, which I don't think we've seen anyone have on this show ever. And she is getting up early. I mean, she wakes up so early. - Is that an actual point? - Is that an actual point? Because I think that is a point that you just made. I laughed it off, but have we ever seen anybody with a career on this show? - I mean, thank you. - Well, I mean, Madison does cut hair, and so did Chelsea. But no one's had like a profession that has required maybe an advanced degree or something like that. I'm not trying to sound elitist here. - Like a white collar, or something like a white collar. - Yeah. - I'm not accusing you of anything. I was just like, "Wow, that made me think about it." - Or not like, yeah. Like as opposed to a trade, I guess you could say, I don't know, I'm not trying to be dismissive of people who do hair. - Whatever, do it. Hey, here's what I want you in 2025. - We just hear what we're doing with us. - Dismiss more fuckers. - All right, man. - Okay, you know what? We haven't seen anyone with a fucking really cool job on this show. How about that? How about that? We haven't seen one before? - I want more pride in your picture. - That's what I request for you. - We all know what we're talking about here. All right, everyone, everyone? No, we haven't seen anyone with a fucking big deal career on this show ever, okay? - Yeah. - No one, not a single person. We've seen people who have big deal careers and then cocaine their way out of them, but we haven't seen people who actually are maintaining them at the moment. - Yeah. So she's a-- - But by the way, she has such a busy, I mean, she has a busy, wake up at 4.30 in the morning. I just have to say, I'm just so glad that she thought ahead and went to sleep with her mic pack on because just one less thing you have to focus on in the morning when you wake up. - Yeah, so she tells us her whole thing. Frankly, sounds boring, but real pretty. And she's been trying really hard to get on the show apparently. So let's see what she's got. And obviously has the best job ever on the show. So you know what? In this episode, I was like, I'm rooting for Sally. I like Sally. She's beautiful, I like her personality. I feel bad for her now for having to start on Southern hospitality 'cause that's a shame. But you know, we all gotta start somewhere. So so far, rooting for her. So she's talking to Daniel, her co-worker on the phone. She's like, yeah, you know, I gotta go here 'cause Dr. What's His Buns is in surgery. So I gotta cover him for that thing. And then she tells us, yeah, people are, you're shocked when I tell him how to control a robot in spine surgery. Excuse me, do I look like I do that? I'm sorry, do I not look like I do that? I know, bombshells, not usually controlling the robot. Now here's my question. Controlling a robot, what does that mean? Do you tell the robot what? Is it like me asking for Siri for directions? Because I'm not exactly like a tour guide when I tell Siri to take me to the home goods. You know what I mean? Or like, what does it require? I wanna know. It's probably hard. I don't know, but don't act like you're the first one to come on the show controlling a robot. Randy, get in here with the Martini. He's on wheels now. Hey, could you do something about Randy Spiney's little bit shaky with Martini's. So she says, Sally says that when she was 15, she thought she would have three kids by now and she grew up in Greenville, South Carolina, very Southern, did the whole cotillion thing, but it just wasn't for me. I wanted to be a boss. I made close to $400,000 when all was said and done and I feel like I finally become a strong independent Southern women. I don't need a guy to have a house or have a kid. I can do all that on my own. I'm gonna do it with a robot who does Spine surgery. (laughing) I've got a robot. I've got a robot in there. Yeah, she's like, my boyfriend is Wally. Yeah, good for her. So I like her, I respect her and I don't think we see any more of her. I think that was it. So by Sally, good to meet you. They're like, hey, they're like, Sally, would you be on this show? We want video of you getting ready for work and then that's it. Wait a second. A lady who is not dependent on some awful man's approval on Southern Trump, get her off the screens. I know, did she bang Whitney to get on this show? I don't think she's even allowed here. So get her off the set, people. Get her off the set. So there we go to someone else who formerly was in the medical industry and then went into, I think, what was it, the seltzer industry as some sort of-- Promoting beer at, what's that restaurant called? Boots and boots and bubbles. Oh, bubbles and-- A republic, you're right. Bubba, it was bourbon and bubbles over at the spinoff restaurant. That's not as cool. Yeah, and it's Taylor. It's Taylor, here she is, guys. Taylor, with that charismatic personality, she's like, hey, Penelope, you're looking good today. Penelope is like, can I go to Craig's house? So then, Rod comes over and he's like, hi, personality off here today, huh? So a lot of-- Yeah, we used to, really. Fencing with noodles, these two. I love a high energy scene, so she's like, I don't know who has ever used the door knock, but you just did, because, well, you know how formal I am. Ah, ah, ah, ah. It's your first time here, isn't it? I wanted it to be a beachy theme. And he's like, am I gonna see shells in the bathroom, though? 'Cause one thing I'm so sick of is rope. I'm so sick of rope, I'm gonna hang myself with it next time. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, I'm a funny guy. Uh-huh, anyway, Gaston wants me to move in with him, and I'm like, oh, thank God, please do it. 'Cause I'm sure he does not have a rope decor, you stupid bitch. What? I mean, sure, sounds great. Pump the brakes on that one, you're already getting the milk. Uh, what was that? What kind of thing does that have to say, by the way? Like, what the hell, you're already getting the milk for free? What the hell? Who says that? And she's like, well, I'd rather be engaged rather than just live together, and then every three months feel like, is it gonna work out? Is it gonna work out? Is it gonna work out? You'll be asking the same question if you're engaged. I'm ready to break it to you. Well, how long have they been dating, like, nine months, or something like that? And this guy already has, like, a sort of past. Listen to Rodrigo on this one. Listen to your local gay. Yeah, you marry a man like this. We don't even know Gaston yet, but I can already guarantee he sucks. I can just guarantee he sucks. And, 'cause he's on this show. And nine out of 10 men do suck on this show. So, that's how I know. That's the evidence I'm going on, okay? History, I'm using history is my evidence. So, let's just assume Gaston sucks. Everybody who gets engaged to suck you man, guess what? You're asking yourself every day, is this gonna work during the engagement? And guess what happens when you get married? You start questioning that. Is this gonna work every day? Is this the day I find out he's been cheating on me this whole time? How much do I forgive in this relationship? Girl, I see your path and it's not a pretty one. No, no, it's not. So, they sit down for some snacks and champagne and Taylor's talking about how Penelope is pooped from the party. And she also says that Shep called her. And we hear Shep's voicemail, which is like, "Hey gosh, we should get a cup of coffee or ice cream or I don't know, said some more and watched the Vietnam War. It's a wonderful documentary. Why wouldn't you ever watch that with me when we were together? Come on now, Taylor, gosh!" - Yep, Shep up to his old, old self. Shep who just said that a couple of weeks ago that he keeps having a recurring dream about Taylor where she's a bird who just keeps flying to a window without him there to control her. (laughing) - Yeah. - And then she's like-- - It's like a trail man. - She's like, so your new girlfriend doesn't care and Shep's like, "Well, I haven't run it by her or anything." Okay, well, that's great. That's great. - Yeah. - Doesn't sound, doesn't sound healthy, but fine. - So Rod's like, so you met the new girl and she's like, "Yeah, she's great." But one thing she said to me though, and then we see a clip of the newbie going like, "Well, I've heard mostly good things about you." ♪ Da, da, da, da ♪ ♪ And the boom, I went long girl ♪ - And Rod's there like, well, do you think having us down there would be helpful for you? Because you know, you were at that party all alone, where's Gaston? Where's Gaston? Gaston? Gaston? It's a beauty in the B sequel where suddenly everyone in town cares about Gaston instead of Val. Gaston? Gaston? Gaston? Gaston? Gaston? - Gaston's just walking down the street reading a popular mechanics. I had to say, I respect Rod Rigo for pulling this messy move of trying to get Rod Rigo, I mean, getting Gaston into the mix. It's that way that he can cause fights. - Taylor's like, "No, do you want to be mad at him "a little bit 'cause he wasn't there to have your back?" - No. - No. - Well, okay, how about this? Sally and Shepherd being really negative about Gaston. And then because Sally just going, "I hate Gaston, cut back." And Taylor goes, "But nobody else knows him. "Nobody else has gotten to be like, "I'm gonna get to know this human thing." How about you don't bring him to parties? So how are they supposed to get to know him? - Yeah, and that's exactly what Rod Rigo says. He says, "Well, he needs to come around so we can meet him." And he's like, "I feel like that's an important thing "that they're not doing. "I think they need to own their relationship "and like walk forward in that "so we can start getting into arguments about it. "Come on, now we're doing a TV show." - Yeah, and then it just cuts to Taylor giving her best soap opera look. Well, in her head, but really it just comes off like this. Taylor is like, that last drip of water coming out of the kitchen sink after you turned it off. And you're just like, are you gonna stop dripping? And then it's like, bleep, bleep, bleep. Last drip energy, yeah, final drip energy. It just takes forever. And so you assume it's interesting, but then at the end of the day, it just drips. You're like, this drip is holding out so it must have something to say. - It's gonna be the best in terms. - It probably has something in its mind. - This is gonna probably happen in the faucet. It's kinda, it's late for a reason. (laughing) It's like, so drip, what happened in there? - No, I dripped. - Damn it, come on, that's it. ♪ It's time for a commercial ♪ ♪ It's time for a crappin' commercial ♪ - When it comes to winter, it's like survival of the fittest out there. And I'm willing to do or buy whatever I can to stay cozy. 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That's q-u-i-n-c-e.com/crapins to get free shipping and 365 day returns, quince.com/crapins. - This episode is sponsored by Acorns. Acorns makes it easy to start automatically saving and investing so your money has the chance to grow for you, your kids, and your retirement. - You know, Acorns makes it so easy, and in the new year, that's what I need. - Did you know, Ronnie, that saved more money was actually the most popular New Year's resolution in America last year? So yeah, Acorns is here to help. - You don't need to be rich. Acorns lets you invest with the spare money you've got right now. You can start with five bucks or even just your spare change. - And you don't need to be an expert. Acorns will recommend a diversified portfolio that fits you and your money goals. - Create your Acorns account and start investing in just five minutes. - Head to acorns.com/crapins or download the Acorns app to start saving and investing for your future today. - Paid non-client endorsement. Compensation provides incentive to positively promote Acorns. Tier one compensation provided. - Investing involves risk. Acorns advisors, LLC and SEC registered investment advisor view important disclosures at acorns.com/crapins. - So now the guys go to coffee. So Shep is like, hey Garsh. Oh, let's see, they got high speech tea. Spooky, matcha! I think matcha's good for you. I learned about it when I was doing ayahuasca for her day. - So and Austin's like, you know where that's popular? You know where? That's popular Australia. - The worst word you ever want Austin to say to you. I mean, that is just like three lugees just coming right at you. - Awesome. - And Shep goes, yeah, they've got the matcha tea and he's like, oh, I don't think it's, I don't, no, he goes. It's because they've got the matcha tea. And Austin's like, I don't think it's 'cause of the matcha. So he's like, we'll do the matcha. So Craig comes and he's like, - Well, I can't believe that you guys didn't come over here yesterday 'cause the water was like 83 degrees, you know? Like it was amazing pool weather. - Yeah, well, we need to get into better shape. Like Australians drink matcha. - So then we see them all there. I'll like take another gym session with them 'cause that's why they communicate is at the gym. They're like, yeah, nice, nice set, bro. - Thanks, man. Like that's their version of saying like, I miss you. So then Shep is like, he's like, Craig, oh, I'm sorry. You missed us, Yana at the party. Gosh. - Yeah, I was flying back from Cali and I was wondering if she went to the party. You know, I was in Cali doing business, business. I think of business a lot 'cause, you know, paperwork and business, staplers. So is she still here? - Gosh, no, she wants me to come to the Bahamas though. Gosh, I'm growing up now. - She does not want you to come to the Bahamas, by the way. You're like, maybe I'll come to the Bahamas and she's like, no, I have my real boyfriend there. So then Craig's like, would you have kids? Oh, yeah, yeah, I would have kids for a few days. Then we need to know send them back. - Um, okay. - You know, she's always talking about it and it's got me thinking about what kids would look like and how I wouldn't want to be there. It's awesome. - So they ask Austin if he wants kids and Austin's like, well, I always thought the answer to that would be yes, but who the hell is it saying? Who is to discern? Well, Paige and I have decided to freeze my sperm. It's not usually the way it goes. And I think he's just seen too many housewives where he's like, my sperm on this season is freezing my sperm. No, nothing is happening with your sperm, sir, okay? It's just not like the egg storyline. It's just not the same thing. Men are still spouting out sperm at 90 years old. Look at how pachino is still making babies. Look at fucking Alec Baldwin, okay? Those guys are just chumming it out. My biological clock is ticking like this. Stomp, stomp, stomp. Craig, what are you doing? You're making our mocha shake. Sorry. Oh, wait, I just came. Damn it, Craig! Sorry. So we get a clip of him going to the sperm place and he goes up to the lady at the desk and he's like, "So how secure is this collection room?" And she's like, "It's secure." And he goes, "Yeah, do people break in and steal stuff?" And she's like, "Uh, oh wait, no, not in the collection room." I mean, where you store the samples. Yes, Craig, they walk into the collection room and steal lotion and Kleenex. And then they just grab a vial of your sperm while they're at it, too, 'cause they want some of your lusory sperm pillow. They really want compulsive liers, sperm. Yeah, so you get a little bit of sperm. That's actually a good sperm. I shouldn't call it loser, sperm. He's not a loser. But it would give you nice pillows and my TU a lot. Yeah, so he goes in there and he likely is his mic. Wait, how have we not even talked about the big news of Southern Charm? Hello, breaking it, not breaking it. Chicken is. Chicken is. Chicken is. What did this happen on the 31st or the 31st? It was like the 31st or the 31st or the 31st or the 31st. It was right before New Year's Eve. So it was hidden. But like, yeah, big news in Chicken World. Why did the chicken cross the road? To get rid of the other chicken, we're broken up. The chicken crossed the road so that the other chicken would follow the chicken into the road and then the first chicken could run fast to the curb while the other chicken got run over by a pillow delivery truck. So why did the chicken cross the road to get as far away from Charleston as possible? Like literally the worst. The chicken just flew the fuck out of Charleston. That's what happened. The chicken crossed the road to jump on an airplane to never return to this fucking dump. Yeah, Craig dumped Page. No, Page dumped Craig. I shouldn't say dumped. They broke up. I don't know who dumped Cooley. They broke up. I heard her clip on Giggly Squad. She said that basically, like, this was not like a plan for publicity to set up Summer House or anything. It just was the way it was. And yeah, and she was like, I'm not going to cry on the internet, but I will cry on a podcast. Just kidding. I'm like laughing, to be honest. There were rumors circulating. There was some to want rumors. There were rumors all over the place that one couple was going to break up and that she was cheating supposedly. And then there are all these rumors that she's dating the dude from SNL, who plays Domingo. And she's saying no. She's saying no. She was like, I'm obsessed with all these rumors. And then somebody else said she cheated. And she's like, well, have fun getting sued. I'll see you in court or something. So, you know, I think they said allegedly so you can't see them. But I don't know what's going on. I honestly hope that it's juicier than they just wanted different things. 'Cause that's so mature. Well, Craig took off pages pillows from his website, so. No, they sold out of them because there were rumors of a girl I've been following this. That's why I can't believe we didn't bring it up. I've been following this for days. And apparently they sold out of that stuff, but they did have a limited X's blanket. And it's called X's, isn't that crazy? And other X's. So I bought the X's blanket. I'm waiting to see if it shows up. I'm like other bravo things I've ordered in the past. But yeah, I bought some of that shit. 'Cause you know, that's gonna be limited edition. One day I'm gonna be like, guys, I bought X's the day after the breakup, so. I know. Now I'm just waiting for the page and Naomi scene. 'Cause it'll be so good now that they can join forces. Ugh, that's all I wanted all this time. Yeah. My two favorite snarky, ugh, people on Brahma. Yes. Olive Craig's girlfriend. Hopefully by the end of the run of this, we can get all Craig's girlfriend's lined up. And of course the internet's going crazy. Like, oh my God, but he was sexing with Molly. Maybe he'll be with Molly and she's so cute too. Which would be cute, but that would be too much of a like, did they set this up for the show where they just brought him on a new girl to jump to? Yeah, I don't know. But I'm team page, 'cause I'm always team page. And I'm fascinated to see where this goes. I wonder if it's going to stay amicable or if it's gonna go in a dark place. I think it'll stay pretty amicable. But one of the rumors was wait until, well, this was a tweet. So this is, yeah, this is a rumor. But they said, we'll wait until Craig sees what was happening behind his back on Summer House. And then he's not gonna be so amicable anymore. Don't, don't, don't. I don't believe it. I'm not gonna make Craig the victim here. It's not gonna happen for me. I will bet, even if that is what happens, I will bend the narrative. I'm not gonna allow it. Yeah, look, I think, I don't know. I don't know, I mean, I feel sad. I don't like when couples break up, which is weird 'cause I'm super cynical. But once you're a couple, I think you're gonna be together forever. I've said that a million times. And I think we kinda maybe saw this one coming. I mean, look, no sensible person is like, okay, she doesn't want kids and doesn't wanna leave the East Coast. He desperately wants kids and wants to stay in the South. Like, obviously it's not gonna work out, duh. But I don't know. I think we all thought that he was eventually just gonna like cave in and just go up to New York and just do whatever Paige wanted. And so we don't know if this was truly the breaking point of it, but, you know, we'll find out. But now, of course, Summer House is gonna be, it'll be like the Carl and Lindsey breakup, although the Carl and Lindsey breakup season was not like we had to look for like breadcrumbs. But this I think will be more like "Scandival" where the "Scandival" season, we watched it knowing where it was headed. And we were seeing like all the cracks within it. So now I'm sure with Summer House, we're gonna see many more cracks with Paige. And I'm sure they're going to re-edit and really amplify that part of the story. - Well, every scene Paige is on this show with Craig is a crack, literally. - Literally. Look at the last episode. - Yeah, remember when she's sitting on the phone completely ignoring him by the pool. And she doesn't even turn on until Madison walks in. And then it's like someone flipped a switch. And I'm just like, "Oh my God, hi. Someone I care about, please have a seat." - Yeah, Craig is really leaning into the home body thing. And I'm not sure that Paige is as much of a home body as Craig is. I feel like Paige enjoys in Summer House being in the bed and watching "Love Island" on her laptop. But that's different than being a full fledged home body, like having moments in bed and appreciating the value of watching a show in bed is different than like just not going out at all and being stuck in a suburban prison when you're down in Charleston. - Well, in Summer House is a show that's based on the weekend. It's a weekend show. So it's after a week of going out and working all week and going out at night. So that's why they're in the bed more on that. I mean, I don't know. Who knows? I'm sad to see it happen with these crazy kids. I don't know. I didn't know that they could make it, but I wasn't hoping they got... I wasn't hoping that they broke up. I was hoping they got divorced, meaning I was hoping they would get married. And then one day you just see her realize slowly what an idiot Craig is and then divorce him. But you know, I like Craig too. I think he just needs to find... - They're just too different. - I like them both. I like them both. - I think that Craig, I think you mentioned last episode. Craig can be extremely likable, but he has some really shitty sides that it's easy to forget about and then they come really back and be like... - Yeah, I'm not forgetting it wasn't too long ago. - This is a lot. - That's what I was talking about last week. It wasn't too long ago on Winter House when Craig was just flipping money at everybody, saying he's too rich to clean and all of that stuff that he was doing. - And like he literally was like a pathological liar. And probably still is. For the first half of this series, the show's run for like years, it was he was studying for the bar. And then all of a sudden, oh, I never took the bar. Or like I never was like, he was all sorts of lies. And then people were frustrated with his lies and he always winds up looking really great and they, other people look like the monsters for being frustrated with him 'cause he does a little boy act. But the truth is he's like, he's shady. He's shady, but he's charming. - He's shady lady. - Yeah. - He's charming. - Well, everybody, that's the news on that. So it's pretty sad for those two crazy kids. So anyway, now this, but now back to the chef and Austin, pretending that they're actual good people who give a crap and guilting Craig for actually doing something with his life scene. So they're talking about kids and stuff. So we just see Craig going to give his sperm and they actually see him. We actually see him go into the room and they show him the porn. They're like, here's some porn. Please, you know, wash your hands before and after and everything like that. And then he closes the door and I'm like, they're going to show him, they're going to show the sounds of him jerking off, but then he thinks and takes off the mic and puts it out. So as Jerry probably called him and was like, - Jerry was like, Craig, take off your mic. - Oh yeah. - But Craig, listen, Craig, the only way we're going to keep you in the sperm place with your mic on is if we've got dish towels to sell and we don't have them ready yet, Craig. All right, you're going to have to do that later. Get rid of the mic, right? Don't blow your low too soon. No pun intended, Craig. - Should I put this on the gram? - No, Craig, not our brand. So Craig has, so Craig has just told the guys that like Paige and I have decided to freeze my sperm. But what we find out is that's really Craig because he says, he tells them, so I read about this person in a car accident and he survived, but can't have kids anymore. And I would be remiss, which is a word, to say that becoming a dad is probably like, I don't know, what's it called, when it has to happen? Certainty, prerequisite. Yeah, one of those words. - Donate holes. - Donate holes. - That doesn't even make sense, Craig. Well, it's going to be like three or four years. But you're going to be like 40. And he's like, yeah, well. - So we see a clip of him telling Paige he's going to freeze his sperm. And she's like, I got a freeze on my TV. And her face froze in the space. It was like, what the fuck, Craig? Like I could hear the dialogue, but her face is just frozen. I was laughing so hard. Is she wearing a wig? What is looking so different about Paige? Someone pointed out that she got bangs, but it's different. This is a wig or something. Is there something going on? I don't even know if this is Paige. This is probably just some AI person. - No, I think it is Paige. Maybe it's like Madkin Emmett or something in a wig, but I think it is Paige with just bangs. I think because the bangs come forward a lot, they just create that sort of sense of air that you get with a wig. You know, the wig sort of always sits on ahead. And so maybe that's what it is. I don't think it's a wig. - It's like a wig. It's a wig. - I mean, maybe it's a wig. But either way, when he's like, I want him freeze my sperm, she's like, "What the fuck is wrong with you?" I like he's like, that he says to the guys, Paige and I have decided to freeze my sperm. And then when we see her reaction, she's like, "What the fern idiot?" She's like, "You're stupid." And he's like, "Well, but what if my testicles get chopped off?" - Oh my God. So he's like, "The version of what I saw my life living "isn't really what I'm living, but you know, "like I want to live the stable life, "like where I grew up, you know? "I'm like, I had a mom, I had a dad, they clean stuff. "We caught fish. "They encouraged me to lie a lot about being a lawyer, "you know, typical, typical life." - I was like, "I don't know that they did the best job. "I don't know that I wouldn't say I want to be "just like your mom and dad. "They raised a compulsive fucking liar." I know, it's awesome. They're like, "Tell me something. "Did you decide or did Paige decide "to wait three or four years?" Well, she did, but I agreed. And so the guys laugh 'cause Craig is full of it, right? 'Cause Chep is like, "Well, it's like, "I don't protest too much, like protesters." But it's like, "Agree, he doth agree too much." - No, he didn't say doth, he said doth. Chep is so dumb. He tries to talk like he's this really intelligent person, but he can't even pronounce half the shit he says. He's like, "Wow, it's like, what is that saying? "He doth protest too much." Maybe, I'm the idiot, and that's really how people, like Shakespeare realists, will come at me, I don't know, but I've never heard that. And then he repeated it. - He doth? - So Craig's like, "We're gonna do it one day, "but why not make as much money as we can now "by making pillows and like jerking off "on to our new tea towels." Craig, we're not doing that with our brand. Oh, sorry, Jerry, since I should redact that. - Why is Jerry on spit? Why is Jerry on speaker foam? - Sorry, Jerry's my new chef. So, he's like, "Yeah, you know, "we just wanna make as much money as we can right now." And Austin says, "Well, I just wanna make sure "that my buddy is doing what he wants." That's it, 'cause that's what a real relationship is. The man making himself happy, okay? - Have I ever told you I want kids now, or did that come from someone else? 'Cause I never said it. And Austin's like, "What, what?" Ever since I've known him, he said he wants kids. And we see this clip of him making a pillow with a name Penelope on it. And the producers are like, "What's a Penelope for?" It's the daughter I'm apparently not having that I want right now at this moment. I want a daughter yesterday, Penelope. - You could put a tooth in it. - Penelope. - They're not believing it, you know. ♪ Emusions ♪ ♪ Here comes one right now ♪ - Look, we're all human. We push pull doors, we blow on ice cream to cool it down, and sometimes we forget to check our blind spots. That's why the 2025 Hyundai Tucson Hybrid offers class leading advanced safety features. Like an available blind spot view monitor, which shows you a live video feed of your blind spots, because the Tucson Hybrid is made for humans who are just that human. Visit HyundaiUSA.com or call 562-314-4603 for details. - 80% of the work week is spent communicating. So it's important your team does it well. Enter Grammarly. Grammarly's AI helps teams communicate clearly. The first time, it shows you how to make words resonate with your audience, helps with brainstorming, and lets you instantly create and revise drafts in just one click. Join the over 70,000 teams and 30 million people who use Grammarly to move work forward. Go to Grammarly.com/enterprise to learn more. Grammarly, Enterprise-Ready AI. - So then we go to Pat's house, and she's just looking around her room, making a list. She's like, "Hold on, Randy, hand me that pan." Here you go, ma'am. Ow! Why'd you stop me in the eye? Well, it's not like you're using it very much. Now, feel around until you feel the cold, hard sweat of a shaker. - People always say the robots are gonna rise up, but as long as they keep them in their place, they never will even think about it. - So Whitney comes down and he's like, "Mother, hello, mother. Hey, honey. What are your birthdays this week, huh?" She's like, "Yeah, I'm 83. When people remind me of how old I am, I think that can't be right. I still feel like I'm 43 years old. Me and Georgette Mossbacher paint the town red with actual red paint, actually. We got a lot of trouble for that one. We were bad, bad girls. But I always said, you know, bring a little style to the street. Sorry. - God, Georgette Mossberger. God, her graffiti was horrifying. She was just, "Right, fudge you, fudge the cops." I said, "Georgette, now's the time to save the full effort." She said, "I don't care. Doesn't matter what I do, I'm not gonna curse." - The only thing that the only thing she ever did was one time on my birthday, she ran around putting the P word all over town. I said, "Georgette, I'm so proud of you." Until I actually looked at the word. It was pierogi. - Well, all those years later, she ended up being the ambassador to Poland, so good on her. Poor. So they're sitting there and Whitney has a sunglasses on inside while he's about to receive a to-do list from his mother, which I like. And I'm still cooked out of my mind. And our whole agreement is that I wouldn't have to do anything with my life. So could we get this over with? Thanks. - Well, I want to go over this list. Now, now let you own all this. I have these things for you that need to be responsible for and hasn't been as organized as it could be much like your love life. - Now, listen, a few months ago, we talked to the financial planners and such. And, you know, when I kicked the bucket, all this house and everything, Whitney's gonna have to pay 40% or something awful. And the point of generational wealth is not to give it to the government or the pores. This isn't a cheese line. Ow! The start of generation, I didn't even mean to kick you in the head that time. - The point of generational wealth is to give as much money to the person your family is doing the least with his life. So Whitney, it's all yours. So they've decided to move all their money into a trust. She had Whitney buy the house from her and then they moved it into a trust that the government can't get any of it when she dies. And so she's like, you know, I mean, some things are seasonal. You have to pay the gardeners. You have to pay Randy when he behaves. - Wow, often his Randy been paid. - Well, never. Sometimes I'll pay him in a fork to the spine. (laughs) - You know, there's a million things to keep up with in an old home. I mean, you got that, you know, in the spring, you have to buy new lilies at a certain place for the lily pads and then you've got to buy lily pads for Randy 'cause he likes to throw them on his wall. He does strange things in the servant's quarters. I don't get it, but brings him happiness and makes him not ask for more money. So we make him happy where we can. - There's only one place in town that sells lily pads big enough to also be used as bandages for Randy. So nobody can find any evidence in trash cans. - So there's that. There's interior guys, exterior guys, painters, brick layers, foundation founders, facelifters, nose twickers, elbow redoers, pond excavators. It's a lot. - When he was like, (grunts) "Mother, this is a lot of work." It's like trading a museum with public funding. (grunts) It's voluntary, on the state of the arts, our government. (grunts) - Yeah, well, when I die, just have an auction, just make sure no one's stupid. It gets all my precious art. Thank you. - Oh, so it's like, I can't imagine a world without mom and it would be like a world without... (laughs) Dump, dump hearing y'all. Did you ever guess this house, would ever become so much of a money pit? Or did that evade any sense of logical reasoning? - Quiet, Whitney, just get the lillipads already. I'm tired. - I think it's so sad that it's Patricia's birthday episode and she's just given everything to her son and the nicest thing he can compare her to is a fucking glass of champagne. (laughs) Okay, so white duck tacos. It's a place, it's a place called the white duck. So it's a levosene. Levos still here. Why? Probably just to do shit like this 'cause this is what Levos does on the show. She sits and talks to the people that nobody else would talk to and then says things like, "But don't you think you should shoot a scene about it?" Okay, gotta go. - So she arrives. That meets up with JT and she's like, "I'm on antibiotics." She's like, "Allergies?" No, just having a child and also working in close proximity from the entire staff of Southern Hospitality. Oh, okay. Hey, I love small dogs. It feels like I'm sort of persona non grata, by the way. Madison sat me down and lit me up real good. She lit me up so good. I almost wondered, did Breckett jealous of how much she lit me up? Kinda feels like there's a vibe there, right? Oh, you competition bitch, you're the bitch. - I see a little clip. - Have you seen my husband? - And then Lev is like, well, I was trying to stand up for you. I was like, I have never even heard JT use that word. I mean, I don't think I've really talked to him that much, but still you guys, he didn't do it. - Yeah, I never use the B word, the P word or the V word. And sometimes even the DT word. What's that word? Down there, I just don't know how to use that. - That's why I wanted to talk to you. 'Cause I know you were just upset, Patricia didn't accept the cane, right? Is that what's on my card? He was upset, Patricia didn't accept the cane. I mean, that's what it says. Doesn't make much sense on the face, but can you take it from there? Great, go for it. I'm gonna eat a bite of this. - He's like, well, I wasn't upset. It's just this whole game of telephone is so twisted. I mean, this just screams Craig. And then JT tells us, I need Craig to walk all this rhetoric back. And if that's too incendiary, I'll die on that sword too. - What does every man on the show have to talk like that? - None of you are even saying correct sentences. Like, what does that even mean? He needs to walk his rhetoric back. And if that's too incendiary, I'll die on that sword. - What's incendiary on that sword? - What do you think is incendiary that he's walking his rhetoric back? Am I not getting his-- - Do you see his-- - No, I think they just, I like to talk like they're very educated. I think it's because, I think it's because Patricia is there on that cast, 'cause whenever they're around Patricia or just know that she might be watching, they just try to be a little classroom more educated. I mean, no one does it more than Austin. Austin, who is really not that bright-- - Shep does it a lot too though. - Shep does a lot, but I feel like Shep is bright, although maybe his pronunciation of doth is maybe goes the other way. I do think that like Shep, Shep is like, I think very educated because what else is his family gonna do with him but send him to school. But like with Austin, Austin, when he always tries to puff up and try to be very witty, like he's, you know, what's his face, the guy who's in-- Oscar Wilde, thank you. - I was like, I love me slamming someone about trying to be witty while I'm trying to make an Oscar Wilde reference that I can't even do it myself, but at least I know I can't do it. I can't do it sometimes. Took me a while to get the Oscar Wilde out there, but I got it out there. Anyway, the point is this, Austin is not sitting at the vicious, and he's not Dorothy Parker at the vicious circle, but I don't know why I keep doing this myself, why do I keep making these references, but I'm clearly doing wrong. I'm like, why? - I bet it's not being references. You're no grocery science, stop myself, stop it. - Stop with the incendiary references. So, love is like, yeah, I mean, Craig does tend to exaggerate, so then we get to the finale party where Craig is kicking Leva out for talking shit to his business partners about what a loser he is, and he's like, go then, go, go. She goes, I'm going, go, go then. - Do you want me to run, Craig? - Go, lean now. - I forgot that part, where she was leaving and he kept telling her to go, she's like, I am going, like am I supposed to run out? Like, he was on such a power play that episode. Remember, he had every single person and just like anyone who was like a tertiary member of the cast is sitting at one big, long table and he put Naomi and Leva at a separate table. That was so mean. - Yeah. - So, never forget, never forget. Leva's like, well, so JT, I thought you and Madison were friends, 'cause well, we were, you know, I just took it. I sat there with my cane and I took it. Me, a cripple, being attacked. She's like, okay, well, you should just call Craig. He's like, what a jacked up situation. - So now-- - So then Craig and Paige are talking. - Hey, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken, chicken. So I'm gonna tackle the last room of the house now. - And she's like, what is that, the frog? - And he's like, are you laughing? - The chicken. - No, I'm chicken. - No, I'm not saying you're, I'm saying frog. The room's called frog. - Are you calling me a frog? - No. - We're gonna have to break up. - This is what, like, this is what caused a breakup. - So he's like, what does frog even stand for, Paige? Like, you know. And she's like, um, front room over the garage. So he's like, what are your goals for this room? She's like, don't worry about me. We won't be together by the time that's finished. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, well, I just don't want it to be a podcast room. - Please make it just a podcast room 'cause I can't imagine what else you might put in there. It's already tough enough. Looking at all your stacks of fabric. - So he's like, it's been a, it's been a couple of years and we started out after COVID and we were like, digging a lot. And like, there was nothing else to it. We go on tour now and like-- - Oh, they were drinking a lot. Sorry, it was my, my, my, my talk. - I put, we were digging a lot. Also, did you like how I spelled rhetoric up there? - Today I did the first half of notes and then did the second half of notes. And I wrote, this is how I spelled rhetoric. Before the scene where we went on how stupid all these guys are, I spelled it R-E-T-O-R-I-K. (laughing) - I was gonna let it slide 'cause I knew sometimes, sometimes when you're typing these notes, you just wanna say, just type what it sounds like. - Yeah. - I swear to God, every single time I have to type, every time it's single time, I have to say ayahuasca. I still don't, it's like A-Y-O-U-S. It's like, ayahuasca is like the hardest word. And I looked up the other day, I was like, it's like, how do you spell this word? And people are just always writing. This is like the common thing. The suggestion is, how do you spell ayahuasca and people write I-W-A-S-K-A? And I'm like, I get it, I get it. - Yeah. (laughing) - Yeah, I get it too. - It's hard, it's hard life, guys. - Craig's talking about the origins of his podcast with Austin. I just started with him drinking during COVID and now it's turned into a business. And so he's like, but chicken, look. I want this to be a multi-functional room where I can craft. She's like, oh, we're crafting? What are, what are we crafting? I don't know, but I have a cricket. She's like, oh, a cricket, okay. Sorry, I'm just drafting the press release for our breakup in a few months. Sorry. (laughing) - Could you spell cricket? - Is it spelled like the actual bug? - No, it has a U in it. Oh, even better, okay. - Oh, Craig, could you make me, could you make me an iron-on for a shirt with your cricket? - Yeah, I'd love to, what do you want it to say? - Okay, I want it in wing-beings and I want it to say, I'm breaking up with you. (laughing) - I guarantee the moment he mentioned that he had a cricket machine, she was like, I'm out of here, I can't. - I'm never getting another boner. - Hey, do you have a 3D printer? Could you make me a boner that I could possibly use on our next date? 'Cause I don't know how I'm gonna fake this. Listen, Craig, I don't know how to break it to you, but I'm a fashion influencer. Cricket is our C word. (laughing) So he's like, well, I did room. If I have a room for just my sewing machine, it's just, okay, why don't you do this? Do one wall with your chairs near microphones and then do your other stuff everywhere else where nobody has to see it. And he's like, well, okay. She goes, and why don't you guys record in the same room? That's crazy, you live in the same place and you don't even record in the same space. Hey, watch your ass, okay? I took that very personally and I know Ben took a little note on that. Like, yeah, Ronnie, because it's harder to get out of bed and roll out. You don't get the same joie de vie as you do when you just roll out of bed and you're like, here's what I think. You know, driving dangerous things. - Well, also having to be some place at a certain time is more annoying. And on top of that, parking, well, parking is not an issue for Craig and Austin, but in Los Angeles, you know, for many years, Ronnie lived a mile away from me and we still did it remotely because honestly, parking is an issue in LA. Like, if you don't have guaranteed parking, if you have to hunt for a spot, you might as well just stay home. So I get it, but I will say this whole conversation about what to do with the room and like, multifunctional podcasting space, I was just cracking up because that's literally what I'm doing in this room here. It's like my board game storage. It's my podcasting space. It's gonna be a video podcasting space. It's where I have my Peloton. Like, I am doing this and I'm constantly like bringing Dom here and down here and I'm like, what do you think about this? I'll see about from this angle. This looks like really good. He's like, yeah, it looks great. And I'm like, I'll see if I'm moving the fake plant over here. What do you think about that? He's like, that looks good too. Now, what about this? I was thinking about like, I could put a board game over here. He's like, yeah, sure. - Yeah, I'm like totally the Craig right now to Dom's page. - Yeah. So she wants him, he has an embroidery machine now, so he wants to do that. And she wants him to him pants for her because he's never him to think for her. And basically, he wants a lot of things and he gets down to the wrapping paper wall. And she's like, what? And he's like, you know, people have wrapping paper walls. And she's like, no, I guess you've never heard of that. And she goes, no. And he goes, you know how people have wrapping paper rooms? And she's like, yeah, those people are fucking weird, Craig. Okay. (laughs) - How about a room where I can store all my Prada? Thank you. - Hey Craig, I'm giving you an imaginary gift right now. Do you see it in your head? - I do, thank you so much. Open it, Craig. Okay, I've had this wrapping paper in my house. Open it up. Okay, I'm opening it in the box. Okay, I'm tying the string, I'm untying it. Open it up, what is it? - It's a poster. - What's it a poster of? - Says I'm breaking it up with you. God, we're good. Hey, now that I'm no longer gonna be in your life, you can embroider that onto a pillow. (laughs) Broken up with the only thing that will sell out in your entire collection. (laughs) So, now we go to, it's, now we're at like a golf club place, golf course, whatever. So Madison and Brett and Hudson all show up. And they're just like checking in for tea time. And Madison's like, hey, you don't have any lemon on who could drive golf carts, right? - I'm just imagining Bobby from SLC come sharing. God damn right, there's no age limit. Give me some soda. - She just goes up. - Hey there, Mister, I just had a mountain bill mixed with the dark culk, a little granny bean and whipped cream on it. Let me tell you what I think about your height requirement. I don't give a ass, Bob losers! - Oh my God, that alcoholic child is stealing one of the golf carts. - Ma'am, she's not alcoholic. She just had a lot of sugar. - Oh. - So, now they hop on the cart cart and they're going to the course and everything. And Madison's like, what are we playing for? Who's got the money? Is it gonna be corn? I'm playing for corn. You know, I kind of felt like Hudson was never gonna be a little punk. And he is, he's a little punk. And I'm like, what the hell's wrong with you? - And he's just making noises like to mess up her swing and stuff like that. She's like, oh my God, he's a print time. I think I just have seconds before he don't wanna hang out with me. - Maybe a few years before he's saying Madison, grabbing his wiener coming out of the bedroom after being confronted by somebody. It's just so sad. - Hello there. - This is a two-part recap, okay? This is the end of part one. So thank you so much for listening to this. Just come back a little later for part two. - Watch what Crap-ins would like to thank its premium sponsors. - Ain't no thing like Alison King. - Our way is the amber way. - It's always automatic with Ashley Otto. - Ashley Savoni, she don't take no baloney. - Put your hands together for Carly Clap. - Catherine D. 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This is part one of a two-part recap!
It’s Patricia’s 83rd birthday and it wouldn’t be a true Southern Charm celebration without going out of your way to hurt someone’s feelings, so Craig is uninvited for not spending enough time with Shep and Austen. Cry into your pillow, Martha! To watch this recap on video, listen to our Sold on SLC and Traitors bonus episodes, and participate in live threads, go to Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens. Tickets for the Mounting Hysteria Tour are now on sale at watchwhatcrappens.com
