- This episode is sponsored by DoorDash. - You've heard us talking about the latest dash pass annual plan benefit. Stream max with ads included at no extra cost. If you haven't tried it yet, what are you waiting for? - Ronnie, you're a big Last of Us fan, right? - Oh, I sure am. The HBO original The Last of Us. It's about to start another season. - What would you order on DoorDash while you watch The Last of Us? - Well, while I'm watching Last of Us, I prefer eating salads from DoorDash because the zombies are plants. So you're kind of eating the zombie plant people, you know? - Oh, good. You're restoring order. - Yeah, it's on fan. (laughs) - Sign up for a dash pass annual plan and get max included at no extra cost. - It's your door to more. - Max is now included with your dash pass annual plan. Stream max with ads up to $120 value included at no extra cost. - Terms apply, see DoorDash.com/max for details. 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Start your free online visit today at forhers.com/crapins. - That's F-O-R-H-E-R-S.com/crapins for your personalized weight loss treatment options. - For Hers.com/crapins. - Hers weight loss is not available everywhere. Companded products are not FDA-approved or verified for safety, effectiveness, or quality. Prescription required restrictions apply. - Join the over 30 million people who are already dreaming big with Weebly. Get started today for free at weebly.com/watch. That's W-E-E-B-L-Y.com/watch. - Weebly.com/watch. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) - Watch what Crapins would like to think it's premium subscribers. Cassie Bogolski and Kristi Doherty. We love you girls. (cheering) - Welcome to Watch what Crapins, the podcast about all that crap we'd love to talk about. - I'm Bravo. I'm Ronnie Karam from Crash Talk TV. And as usual, I'm here with the gorgeous, talented, thin, and wonderful Ben Mandelker of the B-Side Blog and the Bantar Blender podcast. Hello, Benjamoons. - Hi there. I don't know if Finn really qualifies anymore because this weekend there was an all-you-can-eat barbecue one night and there was some Japanese barbecue the next night. And needless to say, I'm having some gay panic. (laughing) - Oh, Ben, you're always thin in my mind. - Oh, thank you, Ronnie. Thank you for having me. Thank you for installing a Funhouse Mirror up there. - You got me tricked into thinking thin at all times. - Oh, I wish I had my think thin bar. I forgot to get one today. - Well, next week you're back in Hollywood. So you'll have your think thin bars handy. - Yes, I'm moving back to Hollywood next week. So fingers crossed, there's nothing weird with the internet, et cetera, when I move back into my apartment and by Thursday, I will be broadcasting from the home base. Oh, this is sort of the home base too. - Everybody, just before we get started, go over to facebook.com/watchworkcrapins to talk to other listeners and chat during the shows. We have live show threads up every week. Also, come over to watchworkcrapins.com for our personal links and all of these links that we're giving you right now. And go to patreon.com/watchworkcrapins for our bonus episodes. Today's bonus was ranking non-housewives shows on Bravo. So that was really fun. - Yeah, top 10. We did the top 10 non-housewives shows. These are shows like Million Dollar Listing, Shaw's A Sunset, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. - Yeah, so that's today's bonus. So to check it out, just become a subscriber over at patreon.com/watchworkcrapins. And thank you so much to everybody who subscribed. Last week we did our Google Hangout, our video chat with listeners. And man, that's so fun. And it's crazy getting to know people. - It really is. - How many of those have we done, 12? Has it been a year? - More than that. - Well, we started up with Patreon in September of 2014. And so it's gotta be anywhere between like probably like, - I don't know. - I know, I can't count. Don't ask me. - I don't know, it'd be like probably like 18 or 20 of them. - Well, we're getting to know people from there and it's really fun. I love internet friends more than real life ones because you hang up after like an hour and a half and you only remember the good times. - Exactly. - That's actually like, unfortunately, that's actually a really good transition to something that I wanna talk about here at the top of the show. I originally thought that I'd mention at the end of the show, but I knew we'd have more listeners at the top of the show than at the end of the show. So this is actually kind of serious and it's actually kind of sad. We've mentioned this on our Facebook page, but one of our friends, Ronnie Nars friends, from the internet, Ed Hill has unfortunately passed away. Ed was a writer on TV Gasm. And for those of you who don't know, TV Gasm was a site that I started with, Joe Faz, we started together. And, you know, later on, Ronnie came on board and he was a writer. He took over the site when we left. But before Ronnie came on, you know, Joe and I originally were writing all the recaps and then we started to expand our, you know, he started to expand the crew. And two of the people who really took off in the beginning were SG Dub, AKA Steve Wood and Ed Hill, who went by Ed Hill. And Ed, such a funny writer, he was hilarious. He brought so much personality to his recaps. - So talented, those were the first, those were the recaps that brought me to TV Gasm. It's Project Runaway Recaps. - Yeah, and he would do "Lost." He kind of, he was like so good at bringing that sort of fan boy snark to TV Gasm, you know, 'cause I was doing mainly reality shows. He was doing things like "Lost." You know, he was always good for like a "Star Wars" joke and things like that. And he developed his own huge following and then he and Steve went off and started their own website called midseasonreplacements.com, which they kind of, it's kind of has been dormant for a few years, but the forums are still active. But if you ever want to read his writing, you can go to midseason replacements and read recaps of old shows. Really, really funny. And I was lucky enough to hang out with Ed a few times in person and he was like, great. He was so funny, so likable. It's just someone that I was always looking forward to hanging out with more, but, you know, he lived in Hartford and then DC is just, unfortunately, you know, we just could not cross paths very much. But he was really wonderful and he had been battling a softball cancer for the past nine months or so. And he had a great spirit about him, a great spirit about the whole struggle. I mean, you want to talk about how we are always talking about the cancer and the Lyme disease, the Lyme, whatever. This is a guy who, his Facebook updates about everything was always so optimistic and yet still funny. He was, he took the piss out of himself. He was funny up to the very end. And so it's really sad and so-- - Where's your head? - Where's your head? I know, I'm sure you're writing recaps up in heaven somewhere and making everyone laugh up there. So I guess we should dedicate this episode to Ed Hill 'cause he was so funny and so wonderful. And on top of that, I know it sounds like a downer to start the show, but if there's anyone who would want us then go make fun of reality stars for two hours. It's Ed Hill. - Yeah, no kidding. By all means, by all means. - I hope in heaven that they are like watching us as their reality shows and just, you know, calling us out on all of our idiocy down here on, on ye old earth. - I thought you were gonna say, I hope in heaven that they subscribe to us on iTunes. (laughing) It's hard. Number one in angel podcast charts. Whoa, hey, people who blow in heaven, thank you Gabriel. When number one for blowers in heaven, leaf blowers. They live when we talk about leaf blowers. Gabriel's like, everybody listen, maybe they'll talk about blowers today. - Well, they have a good recapper in their midst now. So that's awesome. - Unless you Ed Hill, oh, and I'd like to send a special fuck you out to cancer. - Yeah. - I feel like every week we're talking about somebody dying of cancer. So go fuck yourself, cancer. - Go fuck yourself. - Jay-Z, it is pretty terrible. I mean, not like that's a revelation. It is terrible, but it's one of those things you're like, no, but I just realized cancer's terrible, you guys. - You guys realized it today. - Does that, who does that? - Cancer, you're literally not Sheikah's fuck. - You are not Sheikah's fuck. - Fucker. - And in the midst of everything, on top of everything else, we forgot to put out solicit things for the Crapin's mailbag. So there's not even a Crapin's mailbag for today, isn't that, that's also sad. - I mean, Jesus damn. - I know I'm ruining everything. - It's gonna hang up and go to Ross for the rest of the day. I'm out of here. - Well, now I feel guilty that I said that, that we don't have a Crapin's mailbag, it's sad, which seems to imply that it's the same level of sadness as Ed Hill passing away, but it's not. I get it, it's sad, it's sad in its own little way. - Oh, man. All right, well, thanks for listening, everybody. - I know, well, you know, how about I go onto Twitter right now? - Oh, and now I never mind. - Well, Crapin's mailbag will return. How about we do this? Why don't we do a clear the Flem instead? - Okay, yeah, let's open with a nice, healthy, clear the Flem. - Clear, in lieu of Crapin's mailbag, we'll do an early. ♪ How lucky are you ♪ ♪ To have me teach you about me ♪ ♪ If you ever fail me ♪ - Oh, wow. - It's also a good way to wet. - It's also a good way to raise the spirits around. - Mm-hmm. Okay, I'm gonna just start with the first one. And of course, lucky us, it's all hashtags. - Oh, wow. - Okay, so Caroline is in some, was that rabbit fur? I don't know, it's like some, it's one of those fur codes that looks like a sleeping bag. You know what's got that? - Yeah, yeah. - Those lines across it? - Yeah, yeah, it's like puffy, it looks like rolls, it looks like she's took her arm through a bunch of marshmallows. - Yes, it looks like she's wearing the skin of a fat person she shot. She's just, she's wearing my skin, basically. A coat made of my skin. - And a dress with her boobs hanging out. She looks very pretty. - Yes. - And it says, Caroline Flaming official. #Caroline40th @CarolineStanbury @Catboy. (laughs) #AmericanHustle, #Dress @JionVitorosi, #Shoes @TheLaBlanc, #Clutch, #LadiesOfLondon @SamuelDuggle, #Dress again @LadiesOfLondon, #Bethday, #Celebrations, #Can'tWait @SarenaByOlya. - Jesus, lady. - Oh my God. - What are you even trying to sell in this post? You #Everything. - Does this mean that she'll be on "LadiesOfLondon" if she's #LadiesOfLondon or is she just gonna make a guest appearance? What do you think? - There's gonna be on "LadiesOfLondon." This bitch will sell the shoes right off the first feet. She's not gonna ever leave a TV show, I'll tell you that. - Yeah, especially one for America. - Yeah, yeah. - There's one of her doing yoga, and it's much shorter than the last one you did, but it just goes, "Good morning, #Cropos, #Yoga @TrubyApp @NGLioduru, another gorgeous session. Thank you, x-space, x-space, x." I'm like, "What are you thinking?" - I would like to thank "Yoga" for this wonderful moment of realizing how fabulous am I. #Me, #Pose, #ShoulderPad, Jesus. - #Gravity, she also has one of a dish that she made, and she says, "From my new cookbook, #Mushroom, #Salad." Now, I don't think the cookbook is called "MushroomSalad," just to clarify, it's just a mushroom salad from her cookbook. This, although we kind of funny a firm cookbook goes, "MushroomSalad," by Caroline Fleming. So, this dish is so easy to make, it's so delicious, and it's so pretty, whether served as a light lunch with my toasted hashtag nutbread recipe, or as a starter for this glorious Saturday evening, x-space, x-barriers, #Mushrooms, and #Seps, fresh chopped herbs, finely chopped, #RedOnion, #Avocado, #RedPepper, #Girlic, #Alliboil, #TheAppasiderViniger, and #Pincamalayansnysalt, all massaged together in a big bowl, and then served as, "Well, Copenhagen, #China, #Please." - She hashtags too much. Do you think she actually ever sells anything? Like, how are people even gonna find the shoes? It's like, hashtag shoes, and then address a yoga and a chicken salad roll pop-up. - Yeah, I don't understand her Instagramming, but I love it. - Oh, I love it. - Me too, clear the flam, Danny. ♪ Clear the flam ♪ ♪ The flam ♪ ♪ Doo doo doo doo doo ♪ All right, we've got some big shows today, Ben. We've got "Shoves of Sunset," "Southern Charm," and "The Real Housewives" De-lass! - What would you like to begin with? - Oh, my God. Your choice, ladies' choice, Ronnie. - Let's start with "The Real Housewives of Dulce." - All right, sounds good to me. - "Dolce Airport." Where's "Dolce Airport?" - Washington Day, say, "Papatomic," ironically, the other new "Housewives"? - They lose. They lose every ranking we did everywhere, even though we weren't talking about them. - Okay. - Bo-at-me! - That's how we open. - Bo-at-me, it's the where it gets ya. - Bo-at-me. - That's where we started with this. Remembering the Bo-at-me. - Bo. - Okay, Brandi, I think it's the saddest person I've seen in a long time on TV. - Oh, my God. We open with Brandi making her kids peanut butter and banana sandwiches. You know that that's how Elvis died shitting himself on the pot, right? Like, he ate too many peanut butter and bananas and just died shitting. - Yeah, sad. It is sad. It is sad. And what makes this sadder than Elvis dying is that this somehow involved discussion of a dog called Sugar Butt, that she got somewhere along the way. And how the kids are so desperate to see their dad and get attention from him, that they literally put a rabbit on his face that scratched up his mouth just that way he would react. - The dad's all upset. And they seem so unhappy. The dad's like, wow, another dog, huh? Where'd that one come from? - I don't know. I didn't even name him. - Oh, great. He put a rabbit on my face. - I don't know. Not me, dad. Not me, dad. Not them. - I'm like, Jesus Christ. This family's already suicidal. Usually it takes a couple seasons. - Yeah, no one even wants to name their pets. They just recall it, like dog one and dog two. - Well, the other one, the other one. The way they let their kids and animals run around the streets in this neighborhood. I don't blame them for not naming them. Do you know how many animals they've probably gone through? - I know. I know, I'm surprised that the streets aren't made up for it at this point. - Mm-hmm. Chance her and cruise her. Like, why would you name your whole family after four cars? (laughing) - Hey, tourists, get over here. (laughing) - It's like the most sad, boring family on TV. - Hey, Fiesta, are you ready to go? (laughing) Focus. - Well, I sure hope I get to spend more time with my husband. - Okay, I'll be leaving, babe. - Okay, babe. - It's like, Jesus, why aren't you open with this? - I know, it was very dull. But luckily we then had Leanne, who had a much, she was much more bullish in the way she first did. She was like, my days start with charity. Oh my God, this woman, enough, like enough with the charity. How can you, your days can't start with charity. I'm sorry, they start with like cornflakes at the very least. - Charity, charity, charity, rest. Charity, charity, rest. I mean, you gotta rest. Even God rested on the seventh day. - You know what I like to put in my oatmeal? Charity. (laughing) - Honey bunches of charity oats. I'll tell you that much. I worked my way into this bowl of cereal. I just, I didn't just get blessed with it. - Excuse me, I gotta pour myself a bowl of charity, crispy, snap, crackle pop, you know what I'm saying? Those poor guys, they certainly need some charity. - Oh, Leanne. I'm either emailing people or meeting with people about charity or connecting donors to the charity. Charity, charity, charity, charity. - I'm like, who is charity and why are you so obsessed with her? - No kidding, it's surely my claim for that old movie, Sweet Charity. It's really just about some old dried up hoe trying to find a husband before she's too old to get one. - Exactly. So Leanne dresses herself up like she's auditioning for a dynasty. She has like her hair in a bun. I mean, although we're missing were some good old-fashioned shoulder pads. And she goes into this, she goes to meet with this woman named Heidi who is the queen of the charity world. But that's what she says to everyone's communities. She like goes to McDonald's. She's like, oh, you see, she'll make it over here. She is the queen of the charity world right here. She's someone you need to know. - One time I was short of boardwalk in the monopoly game and I asked her for some help. And Lord, she handed me some charity. She gave me a super-sized fry, game piece. (laughing) - I am so happy that they are Super McDonald's serving charity all day long now. I am so thrilled. I used to be that after 10 to 30 p.m. You could not get charity. - She's so full of shit. She's like, I'm here to talk to you about pause for a call. They are the rescue of this date. - Pets can't speak for themselves. Let me speak for you. Pets are like, no. They fling themselves into the street in front of Brandy's car. They're like, sorry, Leanne's talking for us. We just want to take us now. Here's all I have to say at this speech. I'm a carny kid and I need to go pee pee in the outside. Okay, anybody can help me? (laughing) All right, everyone. We're all going to get into the scrambler right now and I'm going to tell you about pets. Pets and charity, all right. Pets can't speak for themselves. - This pet bed has fleas, mommy. - No. - Guys, spoke as your dog. (laughing) - She's just going up to Brandy. You're a hateful mother. There, I spoke for your dog. There. - This is for ghost for a ghost. - Woof woof woof. Sorry, I was speaking to the pets. No, there's also some charity coming there. Why? Don't bow at me, pets. Don't bow at me. I won't stop speaking for you. - Right when I thought Leanne can't top her, I'm going to speak for the animals' charity. Then she's like, well, I'm here. Now, listen up. I know you're going to love this because it is women only and I know you love women only. This is women only with HIV. Like, what the hell? Oh, Jesus. Yeah, it sounds like a great day, lady. Thanks for coming over. - Yes. - I know. Did I mention that your dog looks like a pillow? Don't you just love when ladies only have HIV? (laughing) - The women in the-- - It's not. - And it's HIV or what or not. - Jesus Leanne, she's so heartless. She's just like, the women in the HIV community, they don't want to hand out, okay? They want to hand up. And if your hand reaches down, it's going to be a good hand up. Like, what are you talking about? (laughing) What does a hand up? It's like to ask a question. What the hell? - I am positive about that. Oh, hey, that's a good slogan. Should I do that, Heidi? Heidi's like, please leave my house. - Hey, everybody, I'm positive too. I'm going to give a speech at your AIDS event about being a CARNIC kid. - You know, I really understand the plight of those who are HIV positive, because I am CARNIC positive, as in I am positive on life, 'cause I was a CARNIC kid, so I get it. - I do still have a curling iron, and sometimes I like to give myself a beehive. I mean, it's close, it's missing an E. (laughing) - Now, why don't y'all watch me feed some biscuits and some doggies, 'cause I know that makes everyone feel better. - Hey, good point. We didn't get to see her feed a dog a biscuit today, 'cause this is the first episode ever. - Oh, so it's too busy talking for them. - That poor lady, she's like, all right, I'll tear your thing. Now, please leave. Put down that coffee table book, young lady. - I was just saying, if you'd know this, bow at me, Carrie. - Bow at me, bow at me. Now, let's talk about T-cells. You know what's funny is I'm really good at T-ball, so obviously I'll share something. - I was thinking we could sort of T-bone steaks at this hive dinner. (laughing) - Listen, let's all carpool with that way 'cause the HOV lane, right? Okay, so now we're all part of it. We're all on the same ship. - We're all wearing beehives in the hove lane, these are T-bones. Sounds like a night, Carrie. - It's a vowel for every one of us. There's something called, you know, there's the haves and the have-nots, there's the heives and heives-nots. Am I right? The heives and heives-nots. (laughing) - Charity, this is what I'm thinking about hiding, this is how I'm thinking about asking to go. (laughing) Oh wait, hold on one second, I'm getting a phone call from someone's pet. I gotta talk to them for a second. Okay, the pet says, "Let me out, I gotta pay." (laughing) - You could have a pie. - I'm just trying to talk for the pets. - Oh, Liam. - It'll hear. - Oh, bless her heart. Okay, so next up is-- - Stephanie and Brandy. (gasping) - Brandy's girls are playing in a giant box. - Yeah, pretty much the giant box. - Yeah, but they are hanging. I don't know where that giant box came from, but they are hanging out in it and drawing and having some fun. - Daddy's not in our box, mom. That's sad. (laughing) If we put the rabbit in the box, will it come to life like daddy? - Mm-hmm. So God. - Mama, we threw the rabbit in the box, but imaginary daddy's not even whisper young when I'm at us. (laughing) - Big cardboard box house LOL, I wrote. Shit is not appropriate at a charity event. Dog and street. Okay, every time we're at one of these ladies' house, we see dogs or children running into the street. Those pretty much is. - Yeah, so basically, so Brandy and Stephanie are going on a little road trip up to Oklahoma where Stephanie's family is. - Kawida? - Kawida. - So basically, we have an extended scene of them getting the kids in the car and the kids crying and squealing and then Brandy chasing down the little sugar butt dog in the street and, you know. - I think the next time I buy a Mercedes, I wanted to have muscles tranquilized, there's a harness. - And a nanny. (laughing) - I still have no practice or laugh. (laughing) - I keep telling my, I keep writing. Remember it, because I press pause and I go. (laughing) - It sounds like somebody, when they've been kidnapped and someone puts tape over their mouth and ties them to a chair and they're just going. (laughing) That's what it sounds like. - I'm just glad that Dominique left the apartment because if he was in the other room and hearing me go. (laughing) He might actually come out here and give me a hot look maneuver. (laughing) He knows how to do it. Prevent joking. (laughing) - Everyone knows how to do it. You can't even eat a nice meal without a poster of someone saving a choking victim above your head. Like it has to be in the nicest restaurants. That really bugs me, you know that? - You know what though? It's important because if you can save one life then I have done my job with a homelike charity. Okay. (laughing) - I just want to speak for all the people with homelikes. (laughing) - Since they're too busy choking, I will speak for them. Help me, help me, help me please. Please don't let me die, I can't die this way. Oh my God, I'm dying. - I know you're holding me wrong, no, no, no, they are- - I mean back in the carny days, if somebody was choking on something, we'll put a sword down there, throw it. Can't do that here. (laughing) - It's a really different world. - Okay, so they're packing up their rats, animals, dogs, everything, children, everything's running everywhere. Children are screaming. I don't know how these women live in Texas and don't have a wooden spoon in their goddamn glove compartment. I thought every mother did that. - Oh, it looked like a roger from hell, those kids. Oh my God, I'm making a mess, smelling like apple juice. Oh, you just know, disaster. - And these thin bitches can't even get the upside of a road trip in Texas and stop at a cracker barrel. - I know, I know. - Just thin people in a car. - So while they are trekking north, there's the SPCI Pause Cause, where, oh, so this is what Leanne tells us ridiculous sob story. She's like, "Well, I got a Pomeranian, "I had a golden Pomeranian, and then she got sick, "and that's when I learned how to be a mom, "that's when I became a mom, "and then when she got sick and people reached out to me, "that's when I learned about charity, "and that's when I fell in love with helping, "'cause my Pomeranian got sick, "and now it's charity all the time." - People always just said, "Leanne, help us. "Leanne, help us." I can't say no to charity. It's all I do, charity, charity, charity, charity. Charity. Charity. Charity. - And then we get a view of Marie, the tall, scared friend. - Scared Marie, that's all right, I go, "Here comes scared Marie." (laughing) Scared Marie. - Man, I'll tell you who's scary. Leanne's scary, but there is no one scarier on this show than the Gays of Dallas. I mean, they need a Gays of Dallas show because the gays in Dallas are terrifying me. I don't know what's happening with their faces. - I don't know, I don't know. - They're all mean and awful. They showed this Queen in an Alice in Wonderland outfit 'cause you know they're coming out with a new Johnny Depp, Alice in Wonderland, whatever. It looks just like him, but with worse Botox and these big ol' lips, and he's like, "Hey darling." Uncomfortable. - Yeah, 'cause I think he's like the main florist or something like that. The main florist in town and maybe they're even doing this pause for cause event at his florist or something. But it was like, it was one of those things where I was like, "Ha, ha, wanna be straight." - Well, you better get ready. You better get ready with your flower charity because you know, speaking of charity, someone's gonna marry me. Am I right? Someone marry me. Dog baby. - Well, you just give me the call when it's time. And then, so then, Scott Marie comes and shows up and so does Tiffany Hanseloff. So, she shows up and then they're talking about how that Marie is gonna be having a cocktail party coming up and Marie just, and they don't want drama. Do not want drama. - Poor Marie really doesn't. She's like, "I would love if you guys would come home "for it, but please don't hit me, buddy. "Please don't know what anybody is." - Yes. - Poor Marie, poor sweet Marie. - So, Leanne hates the young girls. Young girls hate Leanne and everybody knows they're gonna start yelling at each other cause they're trying really hard on this first season. And Marie's like, "Please don't break anything." (laughing) And Tiffany is over like, "Hey, good to meet you. "I just want you to know that Leanne's a horrible human being "but we can still be friends." Leanne is watching it and she is talking to this new girl and she knows what everybody is saying. She's looking around the room. She's getting more and more angry if she watches and she's like, "Those girls are calling me a bitch." And it goes to the girls. - That was later. - Oh, it was later? - That was at the cocktail party. This was just, this was like the pre- cocktail party. This was Pause for Cause. So, really what happens next, actually, is that we then go to Oklahoma and we meet Stephanie's grandparents. Her grandfather looks younger than her dad. It was crazy. But Stephanie was talking about her small town and how no one judges and it's great. She's like, "I could wear a tutu to Walmart "and no one would care." I was like, "Is that different from any other Walmart? "Have you been to the other Walmart?" So, tutu was actually overdressed. - We have some shots of that classy Walmart where people aren't wearing tutu's 'cause I've never seen those. It's like the people of Walmart, it's like the Met Gala. (laughing) - Walmart. - He's at New York City. So. - My kids are privileged. I show them my poor families. They can feel grateful about stuff, you know? - Yeah. So, it was basically like a whole sequence. It's like nice. It was like, you know, down home country stuff. - So much family. Jesus Christ, that's a lot of jigsaw puzzles. - A lot of jigsaw puzzles. And they're Pentecostal too, is there a super-Jesus city. - I love that they were trying to tell their friend, one of the guys is like, "I ain't drinking 'cause I'm driving." They're like, "Don't you have Uber?" And his wife said, "What's Uber?" And they're like, "Well, you know, "it's an app on your phone, and if you need a car, "then you press a button in a car." It's like a taxi service. Just say it's a taxi service. She's fucking morons. 'Cause she's like, "What's an app?" They're talking about like, "Cheesetix?" (laughing) "At Appkin." Well, that's what my kid means. Look at that dirty mouth. She's like, "Oh, really? "That's how we use AAA." If we get too drunk, we just call AAA, and they come to our car home. - I was like laughing, and I was like, "That's such a good idea." - That shit was hilarious. - Then they, of course, had the prayers around the, 'cause Brandy's already mentioned poop like five times or something. - Yeah, exactly. - ♪ First level, they smell like Stephanie's farts ♪ ♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪ - It's like second scene, second mention of things coming out of Butts, Brandy. - I know. I did like hearing how Stephanie's about Stephanie's town and how she grew up in it and how like, she would go to the tanning salon, which doubled at the liquor store. It was Lola's tanning and liquor. (laughing) I was like, "So, this is what Oklahoma's like." - So good. - 'Cause it sounds like you send Vicki Gumbelson into this town to see what she does. - That table is pretty perfect. I mean, a AAA trip home when you're drunk, that, and then a plate of toast on the table, and then the salad dressing in the squeeze bottle. I can't believe you didn't mention that. I was like, "Ben is going to mention salad dressing in a squeeze bottle." - I missed it. - Like your favorite thing. - I think I was too busy taking a note. Some salad dressing in the middle of the, some wishbone in the middle of the table. - Oh, you know. Yeah, you know, I don't like that. - Let's see here, prayers. Please help this girl stop talking about poop. Meemaw's house, who tried to think of what I-- Why am I saying Meemaw's house? I guess just because I think while Meemaw's living that same house, my Meemaw lived in that exact same house. - Oh, yeah. - 'Cause her grandparents didn't come over at one point, but it was not their grandparents' house, just that her parents would like grandparents. - Wow. - So, well, they are grandparents. So, then we go back to Dallas, and Carrie's getting yoga with Tiffany, and Tiffany's excited because, you know, Carrie's gonna be her LA friend, 'cause, like, we don't, like, she's like, I don't really have any LA friends. I tell you, they used to live in LA. Yeah, I haven't found a yoga studio that's like the ones in LA, you know? Lots of people in LA do yoga. - I wanna do some yoga. I mean, she would have even watched some yoga bear, just to feel like I was back in LA again. - Meemaw, you wanna talk about a bear, he could sniff some coke off the bathroom floor. (laughing) Yeah, but that will be-- - I'd be like doing an episode of Sanctuary of Style in the latest yoga studios here in Dallas. (laughing) - What's the bathroom floor like at your yoga studio here in Dallas? (laughing) - Wow, Carrie, by the way, can really do yoga. - Oh, she's insane. She was like, she was like, I just wanna show off that she shows off, wow. - Damn, she can really do it. And then they start having their LA talk to him. He's like, now look, I hated Leanne's guts when I first met her. I thought she was stupid, not just me, a jerk, terrible, horrid, stinky. - It's like, jeez lady, way to stand out for your friend. She's like, but she's real nice. Carrie's like, no, she's awful. - Yeah. - No, but she's great. - No, she's terrible. - Well, my favorite part was, in her defensively end, she's like, you know, she's real, I thought she's so obnoxious, but she's really great. And you know, I've been living in LA for 15 years. I was like, what does that have to do with anything? I was like, you're just gonna bring it into everything now. I've been there for 15 years. And now that I'm back, you know, so anyway. (laughing) - Yeah, good talk. It's like, I'd like to order some green juice. That's what I used to get in. - Yeah, like, fancy, like, speaking of green juice, you know, if you go to LA, there are a lot of juice there too. Oh my God, that's how you lived in LA. You know, here in Texas, people are starting to say holla. And I just think of those juice in LA, 'cause that's the kind of bread they loved. I mean, finally, it's coming to Dallas. - Not that I ever eat any bread, don't get me wrong. I mean, I lived in LA, don't, you know, we don't eat bread in LA. I mean, I was there for 15 years, didn't touch a single grain of bread the entire time. - Of course, lots of it, it's lots of more grain. You know, they grow grain. They actually grow the bread in fields. Yes, they do. - Fields, I'm trying to think where their fields are in LA. - Well, one time went up to Fresno and saw some fields, but that's when I was living in LA, so it was totally different. - You know, I went to a farm, but it was a supermarket called Bristol Farms, and it wasn't a farm at all. And I just got some juice, that's it. (laughing) - I've always felt bad for that Bristol payment. Hey, that reminds me, Bristol Farms and they're like, (laughing) - Wow, Tiffany, wow. - You know, I really enjoy drinking this juice, but you know, sometimes I'm miseating, you know, just like real food, like a nice whole thing. You know, it's so funny 'cause in LA, they had whole foods everywhere. Oh God, I always got a whole of foods. And I get juice. - Man, I love Dallas, but I am sick of half foods. I'm just sick of it. (laughing) - Just want a whole food for once, you know? - No, it's funny, every time I eat food, I always throw it up into a hole. That's why I love holes. - I was staring down into the toilet hole when I met my boyfriend in LA. Well, I met my husband on the bathroom floor in LA. So romantic, wedding cake. I know what old queens get in a wedding flower order soon. Sorry, I'm all confused. I forgot what I was saying half way through. - Like I literally have no idea what I'm talking about anymore. - I love that Carrie is so mean. She's like, she can try and pretend she's one of those old school charity bitches, but she just doesn't have the money, okay? And that's it, the end. - No, Carrie is kind of the best one, I think. - She's horrible, she's like a fat shaming, awful human being who runs a charity to pay her husband for breast implants. Like, that's disgusting, and I love her. I think she's great. - Yeah, exactly. She's the best. So then Brandy calls her grandfather and is like, "Hi, nice to meet you. "Would you like to come visit?" He's like, "Sure." He said, "You play football?" "Yeah, I play football." "Are they running?" "Oh, cool. "All right, see you soon, bye." - That's very southern to be like. ♪ Yes, sir, well, I'm very sad, sir ♪ ♪ Hey, I said you're not the same, sir ♪ - The holidays are upon us, and Whole Foods Market is your holiday headquarters. 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Audible's best of 2024 picks are here. - From memoirs and sci-fi to mysteries and thrillers, Audible's curated list in every category is the best way to hear 2024's best in audio entertainment. - Like a stunning new full cast production of George Orwell's 1984. - And personal efforts brilliantly subversive James. - Audible, there's more to imagine when you listen. - I actually am really excited to hear George Orwell's 1984 again, because last time I read that was back in, I don't know, middle school or something like that, and the world has changed so much with technology and everything like that. I feel like now is the perfect time to revisit and listen to it on Audible. - Especially when it's told by a full cast like that, like it's a full production. It's gonna be like a radio play, you know? - That's major. - Go to audible.com/crapins and discover all the years best, waiting for you. That's audible.com/crapins. - Yeah, so, am I supposed to care about this grandpa storyline? I really don't. - I don't, don't care. - Okay, I really don't, I really don't care. So now it's time for girls' night out, which by the way, so Leanne's getting ready for it, and then she casually mentions that, it's gonna be 30 to 40 women. I'm like, what sort of ladies' night out is that? That's just, that's a mixer. That's a mixer at that point. That is a networking mixer. That is not ladies' night out. - The thing that was really bothering me about this wasn't really even the curling iron. I don't know why I wrote it. I just wrote curling iron, but the sink. Okay, so you know that style of people, it's been, I guess it's out now, but for like a decade, people were putting the sink bowl on top of the counter. They're like, look, it's like a sink. - But it's a bowl. - I hate that. I hate those things, I don't know why. - It's a big crystal bowl, but she doesn't even have that. She has like a countertop that you know she painted with some like chalkboard paint or something. And then it's like a baking sheet or something on top of there. It's like this huge flat trough on top. I was like, even her, even her goddamn bathroom sink is back water. Come on girl. - Cookie sheet on her sink. (laughing) - Oh god, look man. - Like she mentioned happy air. She's like, once a month, us girls do this thing we call happy hour. - Wow, thanks. - It's you going, you're happy for an hour. 'Cause that's one hour when you're not thinking about the dogs, they can't talk for themselves. So you're happy, but then you remember them and you're sad. - Then where I've learned to talk for bitches tea. So Brandy and kid. - I wanna drink. - Ask daddy. He left again. - I just wrote LOL. I love that the dad will never stay at the house. He's like, okay, came to pick up my mail. See you later. - Yeah, bye. - So let's see here. The party immediately Tiffany pulls aside Brandy. Oh yeah, that's what I was saying earlier. She's like, I just wanna get to know you on my own terms. For example, if you only knew me as being friends with Leanne, you never would've known, but I lived in LA. - I think that's exactly where you go. (laughing) - You know, I wanna get to know you on your own terms. And it's so funny because when I was an actress in LA, I had a term sheet. So it's just, it just works perfectly. - I can use it here. Okay, just sign under number 10, I don't swallow. Okay. - You know, you seem so sweet and it's funny 'cause when I lived in LA for 15 years, I lived right by that street, sweet sir. (laughing) - Oh God, hold on, I'm putting my foot under my butt. - So meanwhile, while Tiffany is suddenly kissing up to Brandy, 'cause Tiffany-- - Brandy is like, she's on me like a 50% off sale at JCPenney's. (laughing) - Which was funny, but then I didn't understand why it was funny. - Well, because Brandy probably is wearing 50% off sale at JCPenney's, like she's literally on you with like a half off sale at JCPenney's. - So Leanne is talking to this woman Erica and she is shooting daggers across the room. She knows, she's like, she's just so pissed. - I love Leanne's liping anger. - Oh yeah, furious, she's furious. - I'm liping my head, I'm liping my head. I think it's real cute. She wants to play with rattlesnakes, but you know what they say about rattlesnakes? They'll bite ya. Rattlesnakes will bite ya. You hear a rattle, and then they bite ya. - It's like, wow, you should sew some pillows, girl. - Yeah, you got some real good caustic sayings there. You know what they say about guns? You can hold them, and when you hold them, sometimes you can shoot 'em, and when you shoot 'em, a bullet comes out. And then, that's when you get hurt. - You know what they say about trampolins? You jump up, but then you come down, and then jump up again. Know what I mean? - Yes, Leanne, great. - Good one. (laughing) - You know what they say about baseballs? You can't play a game with football. (laughing) - You know what they say about tennis? - It ain't football. - Hey. (laughing) - You know what they say about football? You can't hit one with a racket like you do in tennis. That's for sure. - You know tennis is a racket, unlike the Pauls for calls. - And I love that about tennis. You know what I love about tennis? That tennis actually has love in it. I love that. - One of the only girls who came up to say hi to her was Carrie. She's trying to be nice. She's like, "Hi there, Leanne." She's like, "Oh, hello there. "Have you met my friend Eric up?" Yeah, Carrie thinks I'm fake. How about that? How about that? What do you think of that? - She doesn't even say how about that? She goes, "She thinks I'm fake. "I love that." (laughing) I love that about her. - You know what's a good way to make people think that you're fake by saying that you love that they think that you're fake. - While you're licking your lips really hard right in their face. - I love that. I don't know where she gets that crazy idea. That's what I love about her, that she thinks I'm fake. I love that. - I'm curious, like, but I just think you're different. She goes, "Oh yeah, well I gotta stamp on my ass." It says, "Made by God, so fuck off." What? (laughing) - Yeah, that made no sense. - What? - And she literally turned around and stamped her ass. Made by God, so fuck off. - Okay. - Expected by Jesus. - She came in ready to beat the shit out of someone. I was laughing so hard. Stamp, I think that's the first time we've seen someone stamp their own ass with Made by God. - Carrie should have been like, "Does God have a returns department?" (laughing) - Oh, speaking of poor men's, what's his buns? - Poor man, what am I trying to say? - Poor man, everyone screaming in their car who's listening to this. - Uh, that writer. - Oh, she's been component. - Oh yeah, poor man's streaming component. This little queen who comes up next, Marie's gay friend Twink. He looks like a 12 year old, but I think he's like 50, but I can't. I would never know from his face, but I think he is because everyone's like, "Wow, your face, look at your face." - To be fair, he is better at being a poor man's streaming component than Cooper is, 'cause Cooper's just thirsty. This guy just comes in and he's like, "Well, I got involved with a stupid event. "Look at that stupid bitch over there. "I don't know why you're even friends with her. "She's a stupid bitch, I hate her. "I hate the way she talks. "She pooped her pants once. "Anyway, bye." - That was amazing. He's like, "Leanne, Leanne's like an awful human being. "I heard one time she pooped her pants." (laughing) - I like that he just goes for kindergarten shade. You know what I hear? She's got cuties all over. - Kootie. - I love that even the bitchy gays are very Texas. She pooped her pants, but now look at me. I'm acting like a mean girl like Leanne. I must stop acting like that. She smell like poops, you probably pooped her pants. (laughing) - I hear that her pants are always on fire, 'cause she's a lie-lire. Well, you know her pants would be on fire, but the poop she keeps making keeps putting out the fire. - I can't tell if the poops are on the fire or putting it out either way. There's a lot of poop, a lot of fire, and I don't wanna be around her. - Flamin' poop. - It's like Halloween in her pants at all times. Someone lit some poop on fire, put it in her pants. You just have to step on her, you know what I'm sayin'? - ♪ Bonfire the cattle company ♪ - Just throw a bunch of candy at her and step on her butt. (laughing) - Okay, so-- - Yeah, Leanne is back to being bitter in the corner with her friend Erica and she's saying these things about like, she's just goin' off on these women and you can see Erica's like nodding her head politely, like, "I wish someone would say me right now. "I do not wanna be talkin' to this Leanne lady." Leanne's like, "The thing is Erica, "I'm just not stupid enough. "Can you dumb me down, 'cause I'm not stupid enough." Like, "No, I think you pretty much qualify "for whatever it is you're tryin' to be stupid before." - I love when people think I can't see them talkin' shit. Bitch, I see you. - What's her standing in the corner, bitch, I see you. - I love her anger, I find it so refreshing. Okay, I have to take a break to say this woman is the most delusional person I've ever seen in life. I'm really liking her, but I was watching this live 'cause who knows when the people are gonna put it. No one's watching this, so nobody puts it on the internet. So I actually had to watch it on Yield cable last night as it aired and watch commercials. And I saw the beginning of Watch What Happens 'cause she was on it and I thought, "Well, I'll see what she's like." She's in this white pants suit and a really tight bunch. She looked very pretty, actually. - Yeah, she was pretty. - And Andy was doing his regular, "Well, I love Lee's and I love Ann's "and my name is Andy and here's Lee Ann's." Like the worst poetry ever, but he talked about how he was talking to Vicki earlier or something and she's like, "Yes, me and Vicki, the OGs." Like, "Oh, darling, you're season one, darling." "Please step down, I had to turn it off." - Oh gosh, well, I do, one thing that's kind of funny about Leanne is that she's actually pretty accurate when it comes to figuring out what the women are talking about because she was across the room and she goes, "I bet they're over there saying how I'm a bitch." And they cut to Brandy going, "Leanne's a bitch." (laughing) - I love that women use age against each other so much. Brandy's like those children and then Brandy's over there like, "Someone needs to knock her up to get a laugh but she probably doesn't even ovulate anymore." - Yeah. So then Brandy starts complaining to Tiffany, Tiffany Hendruth about Leanne and Tiffany's like, "Well, you know, this is between you guys." You know what, I'm gonna fix this right now. So Tiffany goes and brings Leanne over and it's like, "I wanna get rid of the elephant in the room, okay?" And you could see Leanne was furious. She's like, "I'm the one who speaks for the elephant, okay? "I speak for pets and animals. (laughing) "I speak for the elephant, I do. "I almost choked on my peanut shelf." That's what the elephant would have been saying. - Sticky. - You know what the elephant is saying? The elephant's saying, "Where's my mom?" She'll have to walk towards the circus. If the elephant was here, he'd say, "Stop, chef, and peanuts at my nose." - The elephant would say, "Stop making the paint like I did on road rules." That's what we'll call back to road rules around the world where they made elephant paint a painting and Pua refused to participate. - I think her run is officially over when road rules comes into it. - I know, sorry, I'm fine. - Over. - Instant kill, I killed the elephant. - Hang up, click. So they had this weird, really weird fight where, I mean, Brandi was fully being a bitch. - They both were. They're both so ready to fight and they don't even know each other. And stupid Leanne tries to start it unheard like nice way as she always does. She's like, "You know, the roars think they have it over us, "but we wake up with mimosas, then we have wine, "then we go to baby champagne. "More out girls." - I was like, "I don't get this. "You're an alcoholic." So Brandi was saying these things like, "I'm sorry, I miss manners." Was not up to date, but like, I wish, like, I should call you Miss Leanne or Miss Leanne, but you're not my elder, so I don't know. - She's like, "But I am your elder." - Well, I guess you're my elder. So Miss Leanne, but you're basically a bitch. I was like, I did not understand. It was like, Brandi was trying to get a big, funny insult out, and it was just sort of like stumbling out in all these weird ways until she finally just had to say, "I think you're a bitch." - This fight made no sense on either of their parts, and I loved it. ♪ Should I say yes ma'am, thank you ma'am, yes ma'am ♪ ♪ Should I say thank you ma'am, no ma'am ♪ - No, you don't need to call me ma'am. - Well, you are my elder. - I'm your elder, well, I am older, but I'm not your elder. You're my elder, well, I'm not your elder. You are, well, I'm your elder. You should respect me. - But I thought you weren't my elder. - I'm like, what is that? - Wait now, y'all, y'all, can I remind everyone that I used to live in LA for 15 years without healthy situation? - Yo, are you still talking about that elephant in the room? I'd love to talk about him, but I haven't been paid to get fucked by him in some dark backyard creepy party in LA, so I'm done talking about the elephant, thank you. - Hi y'all, you know, I once on elephants at the LA Zoo, so, you know, I might know something about this situation if that helps, no, okay, okay, okay. - I'm Brandy, okay, Brandy is a recollection of things. She's like, you are full of shit, Leanne. I came up to you, apologize. Remember how I came up to you and apologize for mimicking you? - Then Leanne's like, and then when you brought up, when you, what did she say? Oh, when you told me it was selfish to tell my carny story at the AIDS event, she's like, I thought I was coming from a good place Leanne, I was just trying to tell you, you need help. - She and then Leanne goes, I'm 12 years older. You haven't lived half of my life. Like, your math is crazy. - I know. - Oh my God, and I love that about you. You're such a good mimic her. You're such a good mimic her, but you haven't lived to have my life. - And then Brandy said, "Of course we know what's going on in your life. "It's always in the tabloids." - Which, I'm assuming they're talking about the charity TMZ. (both laughing) And then Leanne gets all man sick. You don't know shit. And she throws her glass on the ground at Marie's house at Terrified Marie's house. - Marie is, well, I think they're at a restaurant, but Marie was still terrified. She's like, breaking glass. She's like, she's like the cat that's in the cartoon, hiding under the, she goes like, hides under a desk, and you just all see eyes in the shadows and her tail sticking out above the desk. - You're like her knee is knocking. (both laughing) She like jumps into, she's like Scooby-Doo jumping into what's his face's hand, arms. - You know what's so great about Marie? She's this tall, terrified bird, and she's like the most legit, beautiful one on the whole show. She looks like a freaking supermodel. She is gorgeous, and she's terrified. - She's terrified of them all, and she's richer than all of them, and she's somehow been led to believe that if she does something wrong, Leanne is going to chop up her neck. - Which she will, she just threw a glass on the floor, and then Stephanie goes, "Classy!" She's like, "Oh yeah, that's classy. "You know what's classy? "You stand up for this little piece of trash." She's like, "You know, know me, you know, know me." And then Leanne storms that, she's like, "I don't give a fuck about those three little bitches." Like, yelling at all the guests, class. - That Leanne, before she goes storming off, she says, "Stephanie, your charity world "is going to go down the toilet." - Ooh. - All those cats with AIDS are like, "We will not take charity from that lady "who is not classy to her elder at a party. "We won't take it." - Leanne's like, "It's not me saying "that your charity world is going to go down the toilet. "That is all the pets that are saying it. "I am just speaking for them." - I heard every dog and dog for pause. - And then what did Stephanie say? She's like, "Start sobbing." She's like, "She's so mean. "I can't be around here anymore. "I'm sorry. "Eeh, eh, eh, I'm sorry. "I just can't do it anymore." (laughing) - I don't know. I don't know. I just, for some reason, I can't do her noises. There's a lot of them. - This entire fight, by the way, took place against some kind of brick wall. It was so weird. It's like, "Okay, you ladies can come into this party, "but you have TV cameras. "You will stand against this wall the entire time." That's it. (laughing) Well, everyone's up against the wall, except for Marie, who is hiding under a carpet. (laughing) Marie is like trying to glue the glass back together. ♪ She didn't mean it. ♪ ♪ She didn't mean it. ♪ - She's literally so vastly cat in that one, like Louis Jones, where they were in a haunted house. (laughing) - Leanne is both Tom and Jerry. I can't even decide who she is. (laughing) It's like hitting yourself over the head with a pan. (laughing) - That's so much Jerry. - I love this show. I was laughing out loud. - Oh yeah, it is hilarious. I hope people are watching it, 'cause it's so ridiculous. I feel like if you go in with the wrong mindset, you're going to say, "Oh, it's kind of boring." And the women are boring, I don't get it. But if you go in and you can, if you see that it's actually secretly the funniest thing on Bravo right now, then you will appreciate it. If you see that these fights are so ludicrous, and the way they are so like high on their horses about charity and charity world, and how fussy Leanne gets, then you will just cry. - This one, even, I know I like a housewife show when it's not even the fights that I'm loving so much, 'cause I just love their regular scenes. Like, I love Leanne standing there curling her hair with her cookie sheet basin, and her boyfriend, who's been married four times, who won't marry her, is like, "I'm going crash at poverty." - Oh yeah, well, I'm going crash-y. - Or, you know, whatever she's saying. I just get so into those stupid scenes, I'm like, "Look, you're making Leanne angry "with the curling iron." - I'm fascinated. - Yeah, Leanne is great. She is great, it's a great Bravo find. - She is what an erotic mess. Oh my God, love it, good job, good job, promise. - I'm glad she's on Watch What Happens. You know, I want them to promote this show. - Yeah, me too. I love that she was acting like she just won the world. - I'm like, "Man, Vicki, the O.J.'s." - Oh my gosh, shut up, Leanne. - Vicki is like stabbing the TV. - Leanne, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You OG, OG, OG, I say, "No." - No, no, no, no, no, no. Click off, click off, click off. No, no. - Well, you know, Ben, you know something that's coming up? - Mother's Day. - Guess what it is? - Oh my God, it's Mother, it's Mother 8. It's May 8th, it's this weekend, actually. - Oh my God, I better get on the phone to the Boogs. - Yeah. - So you guys, it sneaks up on you every single time. It snuck up on me and I have this ad in front of me for like three weeks and I'm still like, "What?" - This entire time I'm like, "I'm gonna get my mom's and flowers this year. I'm gonna get it from the Boogs." And now, all of a sudden, it's like, "Oh shit, it's on Sunday." - The Boogs. You guys, you still have enough time to order mom the best flowers of her life from Boogs.com. - Boogs are flowers and they are in a word, gorg. It's like bouquets, B-O-U-Q-S.com. - Yeah, and actually, you know, what's cool is that they're grown on the side of a volcano. - Sure slaw. - Seriously, it's a volcano. - Yeah, the blooms are larger than most. The colors are more vibrant than most and it's a better soil and more sun at a lofty 10,000 feet. - Yeah, and by the way, I think they told us that they come as like buds or something like that. So that way, they are in bloom longer because the thing is they cut them from the volcano. They cut them from the volcano and then just send it, right? - Well, they cut to order. So they're not like sitting around a warehouse just waiting and they get their all limp. - Exactly. So you should order from Boogs.com today because if you wait until the last second, you're gonna get some second rate flowers that are from a warehouse. - That's right. - These are some gorgeous flowers from the Boogs because they say mom, thanks for all that you do. These are not second rate, thanks mom. These are real thanks mom. - Yeah, and how much does that thanks mom gorgeousness cost? Not much. - Boogs prices start at a mere 40 bucks. No upcharges, no extra fees and even delivery is absolutely free when you register with the Boogs. Listeners of our show save 20% off the bouquet of your choice. Just go to Boogs.com and enter promo code watch. That's B-O-U-Q-S.com, promo code watch. Boogs.com, promo code watch. - Yeah. - Don't bow with your mama. - Don't bow with your mama. - You can boog at her, you can boog. - Are you boogin' at me? Are you boogin' at me? Oh, thank you. - Dallas is soft. - It's a bouquet of shit. How dare you? That's not inappropriate, that's not appropriate. Someone booped Lee-Ann, everything's okay now. - So thanks the bigs and everybody, go get your flowers for your mama. - Flowers for mama. So do you wanna go to Southern Charm as long as we're still doing our Southern accents? - Sure, I've got some more terrible accent left in me. (laughing) - Me too, me too. So Ronnie, I thought that you probably appreciated the fact that the show opened up with Thomas Ravenel squeezing on some white jeans. - The Jack's Disease, where he just wants to be seen naked or almost naked in every episode. You know what, it's like when you look at yourself in the mirror and you're standing up really straight and you look so good and you see pictures of yourself later and you're all slumped over and have a muffin top hanging down. - Yeah, that's like me right now. - It's like every shot of Thomas in this show. - Yeah, it's a muffin top that does not ever roll away. (singing) - Thomas is muffin top. - Like what does this need a song? - Yeah, and they're gonna. (singing) - Someone messed up my sofa at the Flamingo party. Michael, could you fix that from me, please? (laughing) - It's not as puffy as it used to be. I hate when it's less puffy than it's supposed to be, Tom. - It reminds me of when Whitney was a teenager and I leave him home alone and come back and the couch would be less puffy and more sticky. (laughing) - But that's back when the catch was perfect. (laughing) - I'll excuse it. I actually never cleaned up any of Whitney's spunk because it's my child, it's like an art project. - I love the opening of this show 'cause it's the (singing) and it's just delusional shots. This one was all delusional. It's Thomas showing us off his underwear, Cameron like, "Hey, whipped cream for breakfast." Whitney eating hot dogs pretending he's a teenager. Patricia pretending that her couch isn't normally a piece of shit and then, you know, the only one who's not delusional is Shep, who's asleep. - He just sleeps through the whole opening. - He's just asleep, he's just asleep. So then we get to Craig and Naomi who are, they're already moving out of Naomi's parents' house and Craig starts talking about how all this good stuff is happening. He's like, "Yeah, so much good stuff has happened." Ever since I met Naomi, I'm like, "Yeah, and her bank account." Yeah, no kidding, and the places you can stand. I thought it was weird because he said, "I would rather be with Naomi. "I'd rather be with Naomi poor than anyone else rich. "I mean, we have to move out of this house, "but it's okay 'cause we're moving into another one." - That's the owner. - That's the owner. Yeah, another one, but this one's a fixer-upper. I'm sure her parents are like, "Well, take your fixer up out of the fixer up, would you?" - Yeah, exactly, exactly. It's like the talent of Mr. Craig, so-- - When you're done dry walling the boyfriend and the apartment, we'll speak to you again, darling. - So Craig, by the way, has a bombshell revelation about Whitney. His theory is that Whitney still has feelings for Catherine. Whoa. - Whoa, good one. - Someone finally figured it out. (laughing) - I love that his girlfriend doesn't even try to find the fact that she already kind of hates him. - Exactly, she's like, "Oh, come on, Craig. "Where are you talking about that? "Do you think so? "You're gonna wear those pants? "Oh, Craig." Like, you can't pretend to care about the guy when you let him wear sunglasses on his head the entire part. Oh, actually, she wasn't at that party. I strike that, I strike that from the record. - So we've always, we used to have a theory, we used to have more of a gay theory for Whitney. I don't know if I feel like he's as gay as I used to think, but remember, we used to have a theory that Whitney is gay and that he took home Katherine to seem like he was straight, and then she was like, "Whatever." And then the fact that she didn't go along with it was why he lashed out. But I think it's more reasonable, probably, to suggest pretty much that they had sack and then she was like, "Ew, it's Whitney." And he wanted a, I think that he probably wanted to have her on his arm because it made him seem young and vital. And when she was like, "No, thanks," that that's when he got really mad and I think that he doesn't deal with rejection well. - Yeah, well, he never is. His mom stands in front of him ever being rejected from anything ever. - Well, yeah. - What about Whitney, a school to graduate from. (laughing) - How's that film degree going on Whitney? - Oh, sorry, sorry. No, I, saying that made me suddenly remember Whitney's documentary, that awful, awful documentary that I watched half of a few months ago about fashion. - I feel a little bit better. - Well, my son's a brilliant filmmaker. - This, so let me see. Okay, so all the guys on the show are incredibly stupid. Like, not one of them was smart, Greg's like, "Well, you know, like everyone hooked up with, "everyone hooked up with Catherine and I love trophies, "you know, so I wanted to hook up with her first. "You know, you know, I love trophies, right, honey?" And she's like, "Oh, God, just why are you talking "like this on TV, my parents have televisions." - I know, why not? - So then Whitney, we get a shot of Whitney calling his 20-year-old model, who he never has to see, who's not using him at all for his money. She's like, "Okay, I come in a two-week, "take your mother, hello, I love her." - Well, you know, that's one fake bitch, or she's saying hi to Patricia. - Yeah, what was I gonna say? I just completely blanked. I'm sorry, Ronnie, it was a yes and and I just said yes. (laughing) - Well, one more is there to add, that's pretty much all we gotta say. It was a two-second conversation. He's like, "We really need to start thinking about "marrying each other, committing to each other "on a deeper level. "How might you start dating someone your own age, okay? "That girl is like 15, and she's touring all over the world. "Leave her alone, you'll perv." - Yeah, talk about an arranged relationship. - Jeez. Okay, so next up is Catherine and Koopa. - Yeah, Catherine meets Koopa, the two ginger outcasts of the group. - Oh, isn't that the case? - Yeah, so I almost got myself into a tizzy at first because he's like, "Oh, did you get yourself "a new Birkin bag?" And she's like, "Yeah, I got myself it "because I deserve it. "I want to reward myself for everything." I'm like, first of all, you don't get to reward yourself for anything. And second of all, how did you be complaining about, "You need a new house, you need to do this, "you need to do that, you need all this money." And then you go and buy yourself a Birkin bag, but then she was like, "But it's fake." I was like, "Oh, never mind." - I don't believe that it's fake. I think she's saying that to not get shit from Thomas. - Oh, yes, okay, yes. My heart will leave for one second. That girl went and bought a fake bag. - Don't, I'm doing the Egg-O-Wee's thing. I'm putting myself outside the window, opening up the shards and being like, "My outrage, you can come back, you can come back, outrage." - I'm gonna turn to me outrage. - And everyone sing their head out, "What, what? "We can be outraged, yes, yes, let everyone in the land know. "We can be outraged about the Birkin bag." So now it's now becoming a pattern, is that the men order in a weird accent. The waiter comes over and Cooper's like, "I would like to order two teas and some omelettes." It's like, do the waiters only understand terrible like EPCOT center accents or what the hell? - I know, well, Cooper really is trying to live up to this Southern ideal, 'cause he's not even from that town, right, he's even from like Alabama or something like that. So when Catherine's like, "Oh, so the flamingo party," and Cooper's like, "The attacking news." I was like, "You know what, Cooper, "don't talk about the attackingness "when you're the one who had like a fashion show "for Bellhop uniforms, okay?" (laughing) - You're the gay guy who had a ball that only straight couples were allowed at, like that's the worst. - You had a ball called the founder's ball, which was only founded like two years ago and was supposed to honor the heritage of Charleston and like it's slavery, you know, slave owning past. - Yeah, that's-- - Classic Cooper. - Yeah. - "The attack is." - The attack is-- - So Cooper added some stuff in the last episode 'cause we saw him talking to Patricia and she's like, "I'm not angry at all with you, Cooper. "You're allowed to speak with whoever you'd like, darling." And this time he adds that Patricia had called him before the party and told him, "You can't be seen publicly with Catherine "and will just ruin your reputation." - Well, she's right. Yeah, Catherine's like, "Why does she care about me so much "and dogs?" - Yeah, she's like, "I'm just some poor or single mother "from Muscat Creek or whatever. "Please, Catherine, don't be the martyrs here. "You're just some poor single." You're like a whirlwind of craziness who went and yelled at this woman's son and even if Catherine was in the right and she wasn't in the right, by the way, you will look at her that mother's gonna-- Of course, no mom's gonna embrace that. - Yeah. - Crazy Catherine? - Get over it. - And Catherine and Cooper. "Maybe I need to climb to the top "of the raven old branch and shout." Patricia sees herself in this young Catherine. I think he's writing that, except that last week we were talking about maybe like a self-hating thing because gays do it to each other, women do it to each other, bringing each other down. And this is like an old whore kind of bringing down a young whore, but I think that Patricia's got a point because she's not exactly like Catherine 'cause Patricia has a giant house and lots of money and Catherine doesn't. She's having to beg for things. Catherine has failed in her gold-digging ways. - Patricia is not crazy. Patricia, Patricia played the game, you know? If, you know, we don't know, I don't know what Patricia did. I don't know how much she was like Catherine as a youngster, but she married money at the very least and she didn't then go crazy. So like when Thomas Ravenel was running his ridiculous campaign, you know, if it had been Patricia, she would have smiled politely and played a lot, but you know, Catherine was a disaster and that's the problem. Catherine does not play ball by these old rutals. And honestly, Patricia calling Cooper, she was giving Cooper, you know, quote unquote, good advice, you know, if Cooper wants to stay like amongst high society here, like he's gotta make sure that he aligns himself with the right people, but what probably happened was the producer said to Cooper, "Hey, Catherine needs a friend. "Will you spend time like, will you like hanging out with her? "We guarantee you'll get more camera time if you do that. "And we'll let you do some interview segments." And he was probably tempted by the fame and now this is where he's landed. - Yes, and also just to go off what you were saying, I don't think that Patricia was being a nice person warning Cooper. I think she was warning Cooper like, "You better watch your ass or I won't hang out with you anymore." And he ignored her and now she won't. She's like, "That's it." - I didn't say she enjoyed the flamingo party 'cause that's the, I will never have him in my house again. - Yeah, exactly, but I wasn't saying she was being nice. I was saying that she's giving good advice to him. Like, "Hey, you've been trying to rise in the ranks, "young man, and I am here, I have been your champion "and you've been my gay and I'm telling you right now, "if you want to stay amongst this tier here "in Charles's society, then stay away from that girl." And he did not. - Well, Cooper's always looking to climb some kind of ladder. He's only friends with people that can further him. Like, he's obviously like a little user and now it's Catherine for airtime. But unfortunately for him, he doesn't understand that Catherine's winning that game, okay? Like, Catherine, nobody even likes her and she's still got a place in the opening of this show. You know, and you don't fool. Like, why do you think she's hanging out with you because she loves velvet suits, you idiot? - Yeah, and Cooper, right now Cooper and Snowden, Jennifer Snowden, are essentially battling for sidekick status and nothing is more evidence when Cooper's like, "You know, I don't know Snowden, "but I don't trust her. "You have to know who to be friends with." I'm like, "You're like snake number one here. "You know, you're hell of a more of a snake "than Jennifer Snowden." I mean, I feel like, well, she's snake-y too, but she's just- - I'm not even sure what she's doing. I really am not sure. - I don't understand that situation. - It's like, you're trying to climb a gate that's locked? I don't know, it's weird. It's like, why are you trying to get in through the person that everybody hates in the first place? It seems weird. I'm not sure what her motivations are yet. I can't tell. - And I don't understand Catherine being friends with her. It's like, so she slept with the guy that you, who knocked you up while you were knocked up and she's like, "Yeah, but we're two strong-willed, "women, so like, I don't get like..." - Well, we're two women that let Thomas fuck us without a condom and still don't have money. I mean, that bond to you. - Tommy is. (laughing) - Tommy is. - Cooper does have kind of a point. He's like, "Wow, would you be friends "with a woman who slept with a man while you were pregnant? "You know, who knows, but..." - Yeah, but he's gonna be the first one to sell Catherine's story to the tabloids too, by the way. - Yeah, totally. - He's gonna write a book about her. - It's gonna be like the pale, the southern bell job. - It's sort of, this show is kind of funny because like some of the other great bravo shows, people here can be both totally right and totally wrong all at the same time. - Yes, and I'm, they're really, I think they're best on this show at hiding what their motivations even are. I can never, ever get them. Like when Catherine came on this show, she looked like she was a 15-year-old in weird hair and glasses. She was kind of bitchy to everyone, wouldn't really talk or anything. And I remember people saying she's trying to work her way onto the show, and then she fucked all the guys, but we never saw any of that. She was careful to do it all off camera, and it was just so tricky. I really didn't see it coming. - Yeah, it was like a, she was like a femme fatale that first season. She wasn't part of the cast. She sort of appeared. She just didn't say much of anything. She was just pretty and seen from afar, and then first like Shep. Well first Craig wanted to go for it, but then Shep got her, and then Whitney, and then Thomas. And I was just like, "Oh, there's that gorgeous, silent girl who's got a lot of money, who has some sort of reputation with the state legislature, like mixing it up with everyone." And the next thing you know, boom, she's like in the center of it all, and she's crazy. - Yeah, so I can't tell on this show what people's motivations are. - I can't. - Cooper's pretty flailingly obvious, but the other ones, I don't know. Cooper's like pretty close to pure evil. You can just tell. - Yeah, Cooper's not a good man. - He is dangerous. He is, we've seen this movie before. - And you can tell, because we don't see him not much in the daytime. It's usually not time and party is wearing velvet, make sure to bring a woman. But in the morning, his nose is all bloated from like whatever he's snorting, you know, to wake up. And you just see that, I don't know, it's like that homeless guy who crawls out of the box. You know, like, wow, he's still wearing the suit. He got fired in 10 years ago, you know? - And that's what I love about this show is that the people on this show kind of all represent archetypes that we've seen in literature or movies, you know. - Cooper represents the old homeless man who still has his suit from the day he was fired 10 years ago. - Yeah, but Cooper is the outsider, like the self-loathing gay man outsider who's just trying to be part of high society and slowly failing at it. Like, we've seen that character before. And Craig is also a different version of that. Craig is the Gatsby type, trying to infiltrate this circle. You know, everyone just, everyone plays a role. In a weird way, it reminds me of literature. - No, good. - I'm not saying it's at the level of literature, but it reminds me of it. It just reminds me of these classic types that we see all mixing and mingling here. Which maybe brings us to Landon, who I don't know where she falls into, but maybe she's in some sort of like. (indistinct) I don't know if it's sort of like Charlotte Bronte or Jane Austen, Si character or whatever. But she, what I like, this totally supports your role. I don't totally understand Landon's motivation. Is she just like a happy go lucky? Is she crafty? Is she secretly pining away? - Well, I have a theory about her motivation. - On this, whatever you go. - This week, on our old Facebook.com/watchowcravins, a lot of people were posting the story about how Landon had appeared on "The Hills." - Yes. - As, you know, just a friend of or whatever, and didn't get on, didn't end up doing the show. And when they were asking her, why weren't you a part of "The Hills" for good? And she said, I just didn't like that they were saying, you know, take that girl's boyfriend and sleep with this guy's ex. And I just wasn't into all that and I didn't do it. I think that Landon is now like, okay, I could have been famous. I would have been married to some rich, I would have some fabulous life right now had I been on "The Hills." I didn't do it. And now I have a second chance, and I'm gonna do all the shit they told me to do the first time. I'm gonna fuck somebody else's ex. I'm gonna have a girl fight with somebody. So she's kinda doing all the stuff that she said that she refused to do the first time, 'cause you know she's being Thomas. - Yeah, I just don't know. I actually can't tell with Landon, to be honest. But the one thing I do know is that this is the episode where Landon's bitch flower finally officially came into bloom. And I was very happy about that. - Yeah, it's been trying, but it's like a sunflower. It keeps facing away. You're like, face the sun, my little bloomer. - Landon has been plucked from the side of a volcano and sent to someone's mother from the books, okay? Someone who's got the books.com/watch and order the Landon book. - Her best flower will be in bloom the entire season. Thank you, volcano. - Yes. She, so this week she has been, she's decided to organize Sheps birthday party. Why? Is it because she wants to, is it, because she still harbors a secret crush on him, perhaps? Is it because she wants to go roller skating, perhaps? Is it both? Perhaps. - We don't know, but what we do know is that she is not planning on inviting Catherine, despite Sheps specifically requesting it. - Yeah, and she lies about it. She's like, well, I sent out invitations, and so she doesn't show up, she doesn't show up. (laughing) But it's gonna be on my travel blog. - Oh yeah, that's the other thing. She is now starting a travel blog. So I give her points for not doing a fashion blog, but I take points 'cause it's still just a blog. - Yeah, it's gonna be about disco fashions and travel. (laughing) - Shep and Bailey, oh, so Shep and Bailey have this scene where she's gonna paint him with the surfboard. I don't know what's happening with Shep. I don't really know what's happening with the Shep person, but he's always got that goofy smile. He's like really the most jealous penny when out of all of them. - Yeah, love it. - He's still very much like a middle schooler, but I like it. - Well, he was saying, he's like a middle schooler with dentures, it's weird. He was saying his relationship with Bailey is DTR. Like we still need to define the relationship DTR, but like the other part of our relationship is DTF. And he's like, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Like giggling at himself. So I'm only bringing this up, not 'cause the scene was important, but he has a Bravo blog and he's like, oh, I don't have it up anymore. Well, that's good, I don't need to read it. But his Bravo blog is like, I need to apologize to my friend Bailey for suggesting that our relationship is DTF, that is a disgusting thing for a man to say about a woman. And I would like to apologize to women everywhere about using the term DTF. Oh, okay. - Oh, Chef got yelled at by his mom, that's what that means. - Pretty much. Bailey was like, how dare you? First you fuck a 12 year old on camera and then you say, I'm down to fuck. People think I'm classy. I have a Madonna hat. - I am single-handedly recreating the movie singles, okay? - I am looking at, what's that? Oh, Patricia was intercut with that Cooper scene. I thought that was pretty funny. Michael's like, mom, your son is here. He's like, ouch, your facial hair hurts. It just makes me think of men who work on the dogs. - I love that. I love that. I love a good haughty diss like that. I can't believe I said haughty diss, but still, I love that. That was some great shadiness right there. - Okay, so. - Chef's bar, whatever. Cameron's gonna share a listing. - Cameron showed up in white jeans and the bartender at the bar was like, God, I love white jeans in the south. I was like, Ronnie. - Listen, my white jeans issue are specifically with Yolanda because Yolanda's like 80s of my trade in markets. You know, the jeans of the white, you know? I do it every day 'til I am, you know? The people, they know me 'cause of the white jeans. Shut up, change your jeans. Wash those fucking things. I can smell 'em from here, you'll slag. - Yeah. So, yeah, so they go, they're gonna split commission. They're just chatting, whatever. I mean, Chef and Cam, I always enjoy them together. They're just like funny and sort of shady together. And they just work, they always have funny scenes. We also got to see Catherine's new house, which was really cute. It was a super cute house. And she's like, well, my house is small. Thomas got a big house. Mine's small. I'm like, you know-- - It's still a huge house. - Yeah, it was still huge and adorable. So, stop complaining. It's for free, okay? - It's like, well, my banisters weren't done by slaves a hundred years ago. So, it's a poor, I'm like, it's still a mansion. So, she's like, I'm confused. There's no slave graveyard here. - And Catherine's still pretending to be so innocent Danny. Skinny Danny was over. And she's like, what have I done to everyone? - And Danny's like, well, hon, it is kind of always like the Kat Thomas and Catherine show, you know? I think maybe they're just afraid of you, a little bit afraid of you. - Oh. - And then Danny, but Danny, of course, is full of bullshit. She's like, you know, Catherine, you are one of the most loveable people that I know. - Like, oh, please. Yeah, you're so lovable. I mean, you just opened up your vagina to everyone, you are so lovable. - I have never seen someone hug an old man's penis the way your vagina did twice now, good for you. Good for you. - So, speaking of terrible relationships, Landon's over at Thomas' house, walking through his house going. (laughing) - I love them a little. - That's amazing. (laughing) - Wow. (laughing) - And he's like, well, I just want to make sure that you invited Catherine to this roller rink derby skating party because she's the mother of my child. And if anyone's gonna ignore her, it's me. - Yeah. And then that's when Landon's eyes turned to like flames and she's, you know, the mere mention of that. She's like, I will invite who I want to invite to someone else's birthday party. (humming) - That's our trouble blog. - So then, speaking of caddiness, Catherine and he calls up Cameron and he's like, (humming) I just want to know if you want to get lunch or something like that. And Cameron, in one of her bittiest moments ever, she's like, I think it's very commendable that you're reaching out. You've been in my thoughts. (laughing) - But no. - However, to be honest, you've been very volatile. And she's like, well, yes, but erm, coffee maybe, erm, appetite, happy hour maybe. She's like, you know what, Catherine? I think it might be time to focus on yourself and your children. - Bless your heart. I'm so glad you figured out how to use a tail affirmed. (laughing) - I think that fall backwards into a bush in a flamingo hat ruined Cameron. Something's off of her brain now. - She's like, that was a different, Catherine. That was a different Cameron who used to be nice to you. This Catherine, I'm sorry. This Cameron knows how to make a pot rest. It's like the longest good night when Gina Davis crashes into a tree or hits a deer or something like that. And then she reawakens the inner CIA assassin in her and she becomes crazy after that and starts killing people. That's what happened to Cameron. (laughing) She's only having flashbacks of being part of the CIA bitch program. - She's having flashbacks of when she wouldn't have coffee with people. (laughing) - She bleached to serve her hair. Well, her hair's already blonde. So I guess she dies up round. This is the real movie. - That was like when Gina Davis was going down. - That movie, by the way, is the best. - That's a good movie. Wasn't she married to that weirdo director? Didn't she, like, she and her husband and leave for that guy? - It's actually a great movie and it should be a little bit more a part of the gay cult cinema canon because I actually own it and I watch it every now and then. And it is so funny because it was written by Shane Black and it's written this post pulp fiction really sort of R-rated language thing. And so you have Gina Davis saying these really vulgar things she's saying like, fuck your balls. She shoots someone. (laughing) It's crazy. And at one point, what was the little girl on that? She's Jenna Malone, Jenna, is that what her name was? Yeah. She's like, I think that's who it was. At one point, she's like skating and she like falls over and hurts herself. And Gina Davis, she's like consoling her and her inner assassin comes out and she's like, oh, hey, suck it up. You motherfucker, life is pain. It's just amazing. It's such an amazing movie. - I miss Gina Davis. You know, Botox helps everybody on Bravo but it kills movie stars. You never see them again. Like Meg, Wetzerbunds, Meg Ryan, Gina Davis, Botox killed all those people. - Well, the problem with Gina Davis is that she decided to bow at me, but not at me, she decided to bow at the Olympics, tried to become an archer. - Did she really? - Yeah. - She's like an archer and she tried out for the Olympics for real. That's not the downfall of her career though. I was just a fun thing about Gina Davis. I loved Gina Davis. She did not qualify. But could you imagine if Gina Davis were in the Olympics, that would be, I mean, you just end the Olympics then. Like it's over. - She'd be like about to throw the shot putt and then she'd be like, "You're a stupid C-word idiot, ball sucker!" - I'm like, "Throw up further than anybody else." - That's a pain. - Her NSCIA agent, Womi Olympics. - Yeah. That movie climaxes with her like dangling from Christmas lights over Niagara Falls with a machine gun holding a baby and like a machine gun and killing Craig Bjorko or something like that. - Pretty much how Southern Charimbal and except it'll be Cameron. - Like good transition. - So now it's time for this roller skating birthday party for Shep, which she doesn't even want. - Gosh, can't even drink a beer. Gosh, I hate roller skating. That's what all the dewebs would do in middle school. Gosh, we used to kick the ass of people who went roller skating. And like here I am on my birthday. Gosh. - So Landon though, this is like her dream because she loves roller skating. And I think she thinks that this is going to somehow bring her clothes to her shop. And she's like calling up for cupcakes. She's like, I placed in order for disco cupcakes. It's all cutesy, whatever. I don't know why I wrote that, no. - Whoever doesn't make the bus doesn't get to come to the disco party. Okay, buses leaving. Catherine didn't make it. - Yeah, they're like, it's Catherine coming. She's like, I don't know. I guess she's invited so she should be here. - Catherine's like, I'll be there in five minutes. All right, well, the bus leaving now, bye. And then she says, white lies. So I guess she didn't invite her. Like how do you think people aren't going to know? And then the stupid, she said I sent her an invitation. So they weren't mailed invitations. Then it was an email invitation. Like people can check this shit. A group text, people can check that Landon. - Exactly. And Landon, I mean, Landon, it was so obvious. And any time talk of Catherine came up, Landon became so bitchy. She was like, well, I'm actually like, sorry, Catherine didn't make the bus. - But she didn't giggle. She was saying it in a nasty way. And she was like, she was like ready to get that bus going. You know, good to see she was like counting off. She had like her little clicker. She was like, okay, we have 14 and 15. Okay, everyone get on the bus. Get on the bus before Catherine. She could show up. Not that she would have 'cause she wasn't invited. - Meanwhile, she gave Catherine the wrong bus. Catherine's on like a public bus going downtown. - I know. She's like on the midnight cowboy bus, you know, heading down to Florida, going out the window while someone dies, a tuberculosis next third. - Erm, Thomas, everybody's talking about me, Erm, but I don't care what they say. - Stop the bus. ♪ Tommy ♪ ♪ Tommy is everything's gonna be sunny in Florida ♪ ♪ Tommy is ♪ ♪ Hey, I'm walking here, Thomas. ♪ ♪ Hey, I'm walking here ♪ - Oh, I love the bitchiness of all the friends on this show. They're like, this party sucks. Who would take us roller skating? I hate roller skating. Scrimp this. - And then she's like, well, it's the last time that Landon's gonna plan my birthday. That's for sure. - And then Craig gets on the skates and is basically like, you know, Nancy Kerrigan. And she's like, gosh, look at Craig. Why is he so good at things that are so embarrassing for him? Gosh, Craig. - Like winning country stars in auctions. - He'll see ballerini, gosh. (laughing) - Oh, Napoleon talking to Mike. - And then like, yeah, he is Napoleon talking to Mike. - I think someone put that on our face but 'cause he's always go, gosh, and someone put Napoleon Dynamite next to Chef on our face. - That's so good. - And so then Bailey shows up with the painting and it's like this, you know, it's like a cute watercolor. And although it's funny because she made Chef look like a little boy and Landon, then it goes to Landon and you're like, I don't care about Bailey's shitty painting. It's a shitty painting. Just like shitty. - God, Landon. What the hell Landon? So then Chef got all mad because everyone's calling Catherine out to see where she is. And of course the guys are like, look, she's a good lady. She should be invited. When she's five, three of the five guys here, I think that she's earned her invite to every skating party ever, okay? - Oh my God. And then, so then like, Chef calls and Landon's like, Erm, well, I didn't get invited and Thomas got an email and everyone was on it and I wasn't on it, so Erm, I wasn't invited. So that's when Chef is like, gosh, Landon, why didn't you invite her? And then he's like, she should be lucky she even got an invite. I don't fucking care if she doesn't come. She should be so fucking lucky that she's even thought of it once. - She's such a liar too. He's like, why didn't you invite her? It's like, she was like, she was invited. - Like, did you text her, did you email her? I mean, I don't remember how I invited her. - Who lives? I like how Chef got legit mad at her and he said, well, we all learned from our trials and tribulations at some point, don't we Landon? - (mumbles) - Yeah, he got into bitchy chef face, which I mean, you know, it was deserved 'cause it was a bitch move on her part. A real bitch move and I loved it. - Yep, it's every week now. Catherine's been it, you know, barred from coming someplace, although she did show up at that polo match and immediately. - I can do this. There's too many people, it's supposed to be family day. I'm going to the port of potty. I'm leaving, I'm taking the babies. You'll never see your children again, throw me in. - Yeah, to be fair, this goes back to the point where everyone's right or wrong at the same time. It's not without reason that these girls are like, we don't want to deal with her. She's fucking crazy, she's a crazy 23 year old and we want to have fun and we don't want to deal with her. And she has a tip down. - Tell your friend to pay his child support and then how come it's okay when Thomas is at a party like yelling at some woman, who does that? Especially in the South, you can't talk to women like that and he's screaming like, kick her out at this stupid party and then of course the polite hostess of the party is anti the woman and fine with some guy getting in the speedo and the pool. It's like, get it, men get away with everything and the women take each other down. Like I get the men to get those sexist fucks but stopping sexist to each other, damn it. - It's true, but that being said, you know that if Catherine went to this party, she'd be like, um, well, I'm like eight months pregnant so I can't even roller skate. So like, why would you even have a party where I can't even roller skate? I can't even do this. I just have to sit here in the corner and watch everyone else roller skate. - Man, I'm just trying to kill my baby. I can't believe it. Tommy has come, sit with me while everyone else roller skates. - And then everyone, then the gods, what would happen would be, then the gods would sit with Catherine 'cause they'd feel bad 'cause she can't roller skate and then landed on camera and be like, gosh, like, she just comes in here. We're all supposed to be roller skating and she's just sitting there and now no one's roller skating, just me and Cameron. - Catherine got her free refill on her popcorn. It's so embarrassing. I also liked when Craig and not Omi were asking Cameron like, so did Catherine reach out to you and Cameron's like, yeah, like, so what did you say? She's like, well, I don't know why she's reaching out to me. She shouldn't be reaching out to me. She should be reaching out to Tommy. I was like, that's, I love a good bitch deflection. - Yep, so they're on to her too now. The women are really coming out this year. The guys all came out last year, I think is, well, the guys were pretty much horrible from the beginning. Craig was just kind of horrible last year. JD's coming out this year is being horrible. That's a nice new one. - JD? - Yeah. (laughing) You're welcome for the Craig! - Well, looks like we're gonna have a big JD moment next week because so at one point during this episode, Craig told Naomi, he's like, yeah, he's like, I love my job. I think I'm really, they're giving me more and more work and I think I'm gonna be taken over the bourbon division soon, which is funny. I love, again, I love the idea that it's like a hotel slash bourbon company. And looks like next to JD's like, - Yeah, I haven't been telling people that you're running the bourbon division to have you. (screaming) - I'm the frog in front of the WB logo, Craig. Not you, buddy. (laughing) - Half the shards. - Darling. (screaming) (laughing) - That was just him smoking his evil cigar. - Hey, Craig, butter, you're fired. (screaming) - Your 15 grand is non-returnable. Tell your girlfriend, parents, I sure am. Sorry. (laughing) - Yeah. - It's the heart of the blacks and the Jews from the heart. (laughing) - Thank you, Southern Charm, for always being so dependably evil and lovely. - So, so great. - Which likes to make a peepy? - Sure, I don't really have to, but you can go do a peepy and I'll check up on my emails. - I'm gonna make a peep! - Okay. (screaming) - Welcome to the Shavs of Sunset, the most horrible people on the planet. - Taking trips together. - And always eating. - Exactly, do we just want to do what we've been doing, just go through the characters? - Sure. - Okay, so-- - Man, I have a ton of notes on this, so I'm gonna have to-- - Oh, well then you can drive it, 'cause I didn't take a lot of notes because I watched it late at night and also because I figured we'd just do character by character this time. - Yeah, we can do that. Okay, let's start with Gigi. - Gigi. - Okay, we open with Gigi's house and I think there was a close up of a sword in the corner, what the fuck? - She just loves her swords and knives. I was laughing because Gigi wants to take everyone on a camping trip, 'cause she says, "Camping is my safe place." Like, okay, I understand the concept of a safe place but I just feel like it's such a ridiculous thing to say that camping is your safe place. I feel like your safe place should be like the couch or being at home, but camping, it seems like the exact opposite of the safe place. - Yeah, but camping with Gigi is nobody else's safe place. It's like terrifying, imagining being in the dark alone. No one can find you, you're in the middle of nowhere and the bitch always has a knife. - Exactly, 'cause you know, her safe place is some place where she can imagine being attacked by a bear and having free reign with her knife, just go and attack whatever comes and attacks her in the middle of the wilderness. - I know this is mean and I know rheumatoid arthritis is no walk in the park, so anybody who has it and is about to get mad, just get forward. But Gigi's disease is making me laugh so hard because she's so full of shit. She's like, "My life is changing all because of my disease. "You know, like now I push people away." - Like you've always pushed people away. Your first three seasons were trying to stab people. Like you tried to stab your own sister. - Yeah, that's the bullshit part of it, is that it's not that, I believe that rheumatoid arthritis would change people's lives, of course, and it's like the worst, you know, it's terrible. But she is definitely using it as like the catch-all for all her dysfunction that came before it. Like, oh, by the way, you know, the reason why I haven't been able to get a job is because of RA. Oh, and because of this, oh, and the reason why I'm like, I have this temper is because of the RA, and the reason why I have decided to like, totally modify my body as the RA, you know? - Hey, last time I saw you comfortably gripping a beer can, you were still a psychotic bitch, okay, drop the act. - Yeah. - And so Asa comes over to visit, and Asa's wearing a spandex, turtleneck thing that's open in the boobs, I don't understand what she's doing, but she looks like she's gonna go bike riding, you know, in a book group in the 30s, I don't like riding in a book group. (laughing) - So today we're gonna talk about Sylvia Day, and also go 10 miles. - Girl, I'm telling you this stuff, babe. I'm telling you this stuff is like miracle, okay? Green sauce. - Green sauce. - Okay, so she's-- - It did look good, by the way. - She's wearing a fortune teller. (laughing) - Turban. - Turban. It's like beads, Asa's got all this glue shit bead, Asa'll to the top. - Which, me, while somewhere in Charleston, because she's like, now that's a fortune teller. (laughing) That's what I want my next flamingo party. Someone call, someone call Asa and tell her to come over to Charleston. - Ugh. I love her captions, you know that Patricia and Asa are actually made for each other. The difference being that Patricia would probably want to employ Asa. And also probably just want to be friends with her. - Yeah, exactly. She'd be like, okay, I brought your captions. - You'll never come into my home again. You dirty little Asa. As a what. So I want to know. - You're a preposition and an article. I don't get it. - Gigi's way of remembering stories, classic. She's like, yeah, well, I got together with MJ, and she just got so upset with me. I don't even understand. I asked her a hypothetical question about Tommy. Cut her being like, oh yeah, so when this boyfriend cheats on, you were going to believe me. (laughing) - MJ just hops out of there. - So basically, this episode is basically, they're going to go on a camping trip because they figure that they could do an intervention on Gigi in the woods, and she can't run off and get drunk. This group just loves a surprise with a camping trip. I mean, there was a little flashback to MJ. When MJ and Gigi were really feuding, and Reza orchestrated some bonkers situation where, oh, they crashed Gigi's family camping trip with MJ, and MJ thought she was going to a spa, and the rest they took her to a camping trip instead. (laughing) She's such a little bitch. (laughing) - He really is. I'm not a bitch, I just like to play Prings. I'm like the king of Prings, okay? Like, white people, they don't even understand Prings. Like, Persian, we get it, okay? Like, white people, they like to do an open cushion 'cause it sounds like a fart. Persian people, we just do the fart. We just put fart smell in the camper. - It was disgusting. That was a disgusting prank. He put, like, diarrhea sharks all over the toilet, and then spritz the air with fake farts. It was so foul. - Yeah, what kind of prank do you play that you actually have to sit there and smell at all, you idiot? - I know, you prank yourself, you dumbass. Meanwhile, GG is like the smell is causing GG to drive you even worse. I mean, I was cracking up when they were in that camper, that little Winnebago, and you saw, like, you saw those drawers opening up and, like, the cupboards and things falling out. It was, like, poltergeist. (laughing) - And GG, let the angriest one drive a big vessel that sounds safe, guys. - Yeah, not, not sure if man could defuse that situation, and he is the king of defusing. - No, sir, he's so cute. So, MJ and Tommy, MJ's gonna get some, MJ's gonna get some business cards to say, I'm the condo queen, eh? You gotta have a septor, a crown, you know, persons love that shit, babe. - Yeah, you gotta make it look like, you know, you have, like, a full-on, like, kingdom, okay? Kingdom, like, of condos, and West Hollywood, okay? - It's one thing I know about those persons, okay? They're like gold septas and lion heads on everything, huh? - You know what? Every one of your cards should be velvet, okay? - That guy reminds me of those radio commercials here in LA, like, Uncle Larry, you know what I mean? It's like Larry's Mattresses, something. - Larry, how'd you get the mattresses so cheap, Larry? - Ah! (laughing) - Mike and Jess, I don't know why these two are married. She's like, here's your four Brussels sprouts in your chicken breast, get off the phone. - It was a plate of iceberg lettuce. She's like, here's your iceberg lettuce, by the way, I spent $5,000 on a tea set. And this bitch, she's like, we have to get better with our, we're so bad with money. Like, today I went to buy a tea set, it cost $5,000, so I bought it anyway, but still it cost $5,000, that's like not fair. (laughing) - And then she has the nerve to go, get up your phone, Mike, I don't ask for much. Bitch, you just got a $5,000 tea set. If he wants to fuck his phone right in front of your face, he can do it. - Yeah, and then Mike's like, I'm just trying to, he's like, Jessica, I'm trying to do the, I'm trying, this is a very important contact for my shoe company, this is how we get the money for the $5,000 tea set. So I was like, yeah, that's right, Mike. But then I was like, but it wasn't, you know, it was just some lady he met. - Yeah, it's just like some chick he's fucking. He's like, did you get late because of the shoes I gave you, bro? - He calls all the women, bro, hit bro. I'm a shoe designer slash commercial real estate, or. - Hey, this chick wants to fuck my shoes, so I'm taking the call. - Oh, I'm-- - Steven and Jessica, she really is a piece of work. - She's like, my phone bill cost $500. Like, how does that even happen? - How does that even happen, actually? - I'll bet it, she's doing like the typical purse thing where she's moved her parents over to her phone bill as well, poor Mike is just paying the whole entire family's phone bill now. - She's calling someone in Brazil or whatever. So anyway, so, but back, that was pretty much the only thing that happened with Mike. In terms of like MJ, so yeah, so she and Tommy got those cards and they went to hamburger marries for Bingo, where Vida went, and you know, Shady Vida, she tries to cash in a Bingo card that wasn't legit. - Oh, no, it is all the numbers here. It's all the numbers here. - No, you were so wrong. No, you were the wrong one here. - You are the wrong. You know, say this, what is the B, I, I like MJ trying to come up with different things. She's like, B, blowjob five, blowjob five. - No, what is the blowjob? This has everything to do with me, I have to know. - How many calories this blowjob have, this MJ needs to stop this blowjob, too many calories. You know, too much with the Bingo, you know, Bingo need more treadmill, okay, more salad more treadmill. No hamburger marries, how about salad marries? - How about hamburger Harry, you know, this may be a nice man you can marry. (laughing) - I also, by the way, I wanna mention that Reza and Mike went to Mixology 101 once again. - I know, fucking the grove. - Technically, they went to Planet Dailies, but that's part of Mixology 101. - The next big fight is gonna be the new Buka de Peppo over in the grove. (laughing) - Can I ask you a serious question? - Of course. - Was that drag queen supposed to be MJ? How much alike did the drag queen look just like MJ and I couldn't tell whose tits looked faker. MJ's were pointing at different sides of the room. They were like cannons pointing at like different wars. They were like in two different wars. - I know, there was, there's a thin line between MJ and a drag bingo hostess. - Yes, well, at least the hostess gives like 10% of her income to something worth it. (laughing) - And they both play with balls. - Yes. (screaming) - Time. (laughing) - I just wrote Planet Whatever at Grove. Okay, so Mike and Reza go to dinner to talk about, basically Mike's still a pig and Reza's still a pig too, and so they're gonna be friends. I like when Reza walked in with Titswet, that was funny. - Yeah, he always does, he pretty much always does. - Do you still fuck Jessica? Did she still give you blowjobs? - It's like a cheese, how long is it? - That's so Persian. She's still giving you iceberg salad, it's so white. Why does she do that as her Persian? - Mike has a very, Mike has a very active duel. It's like an ADD kid. It has to have activities with like, he can't concentrate on books. Like Homeboy has to control his duel. Like, that's too much. You know what? The only reason why he wants to see Hamilton is 'cause he hear there's a duel in it. (laughing) - Oh, I have to mention, I was telling you a couple weeks ago how Don Dooley is dick in Arabic, and they used to call me Ron Don Dooley when I was little. My cousin, Jenna, listens to the show and made me a t-shirt that says in gold, Ron Don Dooley, so I can have a shirt like Mike's golden duel shirt. - Oh, Chan, I love you! That is awesome. - I'm gonna wear it everywhere. I just got it to the air was so happy. - Ron Don Dooley. - Ron Don Dooley. So back to this terrible show. She's screaming for help. She's always screaming for help. Why are they just noticing it now? (laughing) - Someone's always screaming for help when they're around her. She's terrifying. Who wants to help Gigi? She needs nothing. She has no job. She doesn't have to do shit all day. And all, her big disease is like a cramped hand. Get out of here. I don't feel bad for her. I'm tanned. - But while she's like, - I was different before, you know, because like my middle finger would work right. Shut up, Gigi. - Yeah. - Army surplus store. You gotta love persons haggling in the Army surplus. - Oh yeah. - Americans, what do white people wear when they can't blue? - Why are they going to the Army surplus store to go camping? - Fucking morons. They know there's an REI here, right? - I was gonna say REI, we're crying out loud. - They're like getting this like knives and this one jacket. I don't know. - You know, they were just there because they didn't know that Del Taco closed. It's right across the street. I'm upset. - I guess we'll be right here. - You're gonna go to the papusa place across the street. And that does exist. Yeah, there were definitely a lot of those silly scenes. Like, you know, that's what Reza loves those scenes. Where he's like, we can pick up a prop and then be like, oh, look at this. Look, it's a megaphone. I could be like, hey, Gigi. Hey, go Nessa. Go Nessa. - Look, this is what way people do. Take a megaphone. - My people are like, hey, go Nessa, be quiet. But Persians are like, hey, go Nessa. That's so Persian. - I'm fast forwarding through this scene in my mind. - Oh yeah. Asa had a fashion shoot for her calf tans, which was basically just like frolicking on the beach. - And I love her mom though. Like her mom's so funny and nice. There's not really much to talk about, but her mom just being like, I love the being boss of the place. - And the boss now. - And the boss. - Mom, get out of here. Mom, you're in the way. Get out of the photo, mom. - I natural born boss. - Yeah. - I'm natural boss. I'm natural. I always boss before you, Nessa. I always boss before you. - I love how Asa, every year, it's like some different business for Asa and they never really work out. But every time she does it, she's like, babe, I'm doing this for my family because my family, David, I mean, we went through four world wars and we understand like racism in Germany because when the wall came down. So this calf down is like a few racism in Germany when the wall came down. I'm like, lady, this is like some swimming calf tan you stole from the dillards and some terrible hat you stole from a costume shop. Like let's bring it back a little bit from racism in Germany. - Yes, please, please, Asa. - You have all the beauty of all the women radiating inside of you, okay? It's like radiating out of you. - Asa's modeling notes. - Yeah, I mean, it was like five. Who is fine? She's like, you're Star Wars. You're like Star Wars in green sauce, intergalactic, priestess, cilantro. - You're like a sad little girl who understood racism in Germany and then like parted with her parents all the way to America, okay? - Radiate. Radiate. And the mom's like, you need to shake a booty, make more sexy and shaking booties. - She's like, mom, please. - Pretenders like a film projector projecting artistic images on your face and just like project that on back onto the projector and then you're the projector and then they're the wall and that's the catalog. - Racism in Germany, the new line of calf dance by some lady on TV. - She was saying this cost 25 grand. They're filming at that same damn reality show rock and Malibu that everybody shoots at. Like, who are you paying? Those girls are doing it for free to be on TV and you've got a guy with a cannon in the bathroom. I mean, in the bathroom. In the water, it did not cost 25 grand. - Yeah, it did not. They definitely did not. - So, but they said they had 2,000 orders and considering that those calf dance, they're charging like $200 for that, they've actually made a good amount of money, probably. - Yeah, probably. - Yikes. - I don't know how bad about it, but they did it. - I'm glad calf dance are coming back 'cause Lord knows I need something for the summer. - I know, they need to come up with man calf dance. I guess that'd be like a tunic or not tunic. - They had him in the '70s. - That's true. - I've seen a lot of pictures. - Maybe they should come back. - Let's see. So then we've talked about them being on the stupid RV and getting into camp and stuff. Mike is wearing a shirt that says hashtag lice, which I think is dumb. - Yeah, I was like, that's the one truth about him. - Yes, he's like, I'm warning you in his speech. He's like, I love you guys, like, I love shoes, you know, because they're like a part of me. So I'm gonna sell them to the people. You know what I mean? Like friendship, right? - Hashtag lives. - Hashtag green onion, hashtag bell pepper. We need to make Caroline Fleming a shirt. (laughing) Hashtag shirt. - Hashtag will be up. Hashtag shirt, hashtag end. (laughing) - Oh, so let's see. I love that this gang rest is like, where are you gonna put up your tent, Link? That makes the Gigi okay? Can't be like creeping in Gigi's room, okay? Not this time. (laughing) Gigi's gonna creep into your tent this time. - I love that they're making light of the almost rape storyline, so good. - I know. I also really enjoyed that moment when they were lighting the fire and they called Gigi to show up and she was like in her tent and her head popped up like a prairie dog. For some reason that was like my favorite part of the episode. - She's like stabbing her knife into trees and stuff. And you know Gigi is not gonna be good to deal with 'cause she's already on drugs. And you can tell when Gigi's like, "You know, this is when it's coming into place for me." Like she talks in the whisper voice. - This is all I've wanted. I've been on my deathbed. - Oh, Gigi. - I know. - And wait, next week. They try to give an intervention to Gigi. - No, of course you've been tripped. - Shervin's sitting there with like a handwritten letter on some loosely paper and he's like, "Dear Gigi, you are the most beautiful, compassionate woman, but sometimes you are impatient and difficult." She's like, "I don't need to hear this shit." She walks away. He's like, "Like what you just did." (laughing) - Oh, Shaz. And that wraps us up for the taping. - Oh my God. So funny, so fun. So yes, we did Southern Charm and Dallas today because this week on Thursday we have Beverly Hills, The Reunion and we have New York City, but we also have Below Deck Mediterranean. - Next week we're also gonna have the return of Toowo Group. - Yeah, so I imagine that probably on Thursdays we'll do tour group and Below Deck and New York City, right? - I don't know. - Think about it next Thursday. - Think about it. - We'll think about it. - We will get up the, I'm gonna put up the Patreon Mail deck right now, so that way we get. - We'll do lots. - A nice big dose of it. - We love you guys. Thanks so much for listening and supporting. Go to watchwithcraphens.com for all our links and to subscribe for bonus episodes. Go to patreon.com/wagcraphens. - We love you at Hill. - We love you at Hill. God bless you, honey. - God bless you. - We love all you guys. - And your wife. - Bye everybody. - Bye. 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