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Be shipping on qualified orders, see site for more details. This episode is sponsored by DoorDash. You've heard us talking about the latest Dash Pass annual plan benefit. Stream Max with ads included at no extra cost. If you haven't tried it yet, what are you waiting for? Ronnie, you're a big Last of Us fan, right? Oh, I sure am. The HBO original The Last of Us. It's about to start another season. What would you order on DoorDash while you watch The Last of Us? Well, while I'm watching Last of Us, I prefer eating salads from DoorDash because the zombies are plants. So you're kind of eating the zombie plant people, you know? Oh, good. You're restoring order. Yeah, it's on theme. Sign up for a Dash Pass annual plan and get Max included at no extra cost. It's your door to more. Max is now included with your Dash Pass annual plan. Stream Max with ads up to $120 value included at no extra cost. In terms of supply, see DoorDash.com/max for details. Watch what Crapins would like to thank its premium subscribers, Miss Christie Doherty and the lovely Miss Sandy Bass. We love you girls. [Music] Hello and welcome to The Watch what Crapins podcast. The podcast about all that crap we'd love to talk about on Bravo. I'm Ronnie Karam from Trash Talk TV and as usual, I'm with the gorgeous, thin, talented, deeply sold-eyes Ben Mantleker of the B-side blog and the Banto Blender podcast. Hello, Ben. Hello, Ronnie. Such an exciting day today with so many new things to talk about. So much. Before we get to it, go over to Watch what Crapins.com for all our personal links. Go to Facebook.com/Watch what Crapins to talk crap with the other listeners throughout the week during live show threads and if you want our bony baloney episodes, just go on over to patreon.com/Watch what Crapins. That is where our premium subscribers are signed up. We do bonus episodes, ringtones, a Google Hangout, which is coming up at the end of this month. The last one was so much fun. So that's patreon.com/Watch what Crapins for all the extras. And thank you so much to everybody who gives to us over there and makes our life. We love you. Yeah, I can't encourage you enough to listen to this week's bonus episode because Ronnie and I went, I wouldn't say in, but we tackled the thrillist ranking of the top housewives of all time, excluding Melbourne and Cheshire. And we went through the entire list and it took nearly an hour and a half. So the bonus episode is almost the length of an actual episode this week. And it is, I would say it's like 96% Bravo and we talked about OJ at the end for about one minute. One second. But it's like if you are, if you're into Bravo, if you've been seeing that list, a bunch of people have posted that list on our Facebook page, definitely listen to the bonus episode because we go through it all. Yes, and thanks to Brian Moylin from Vulture and Thrillist for making that list because that gave us some good shit to talk about. Yeah, it's great. My accent is already coming because of Dallas. So before we get to Dallas, let's start looking through the old crap and dappin' mailbag bin. You know, but before I can even open up the mailbag, I have to say I would have to pull myself out of bed which may be so difficult now that I have these wonderful parachute sheets. Yes, you guys. Parachute is an online bedding brand and it's based in Venice Beach, California. That's pretty cool. Really? They're really from Venice Beach? That's really awesome. Yeah. I have the Venice Beach set. I don't know why it's awesome. I don't know why it's awesome. Myself. Great sleep starts with your sheets and parachute has created a line of everyday bedding essentials from sheets to comforters to give you superior sleep. The website I've been on it all morning, it actually is very easy and straightforward and they have a whole blog section where they give you design tips. They teach you how to mix bath salts which you didn't love a free homemade drug. Lots of good stuff over there. It's free shipping, free returns, 30 night risk free guarantee on your sheets for crying out loud. That means they throw those sheets away if you don't like them. Yeah. They were really nice. They sent us sheets. I have some nice white sheets that are really soft and lovely. I haven't. Okay. So I haven't put them on my bed yet but that's only because I've been lazy. I'm sorry but I unwrapped them. They came very nicely packaged. They're super soft and I'm really, really excited to get them on my bed here in NoHo. Yes. I got a duvet set and I love a duvet. They're very difficult to find. Target just started selling duvet covers and they're gross and they're $80 and that whole thing, the whole sheet set was less than that over in parachutes. So go to parachutehome.com. Also, if you shop online at parachutehome.com/crapins for new sheets, duvets and other bedding essentials, you will receive $25 off your first order with our codes. So that's parachutehome.com/crapins, that's parachutehome.com/crapins to get $25 off and that's a lot with this because these sheets aren't expensive. - Yeah, that's really good. So, get that. - Do it. - Sleep proper, y'all. Sleep proper. - Do it. - Sleep proper. - Do it. (upbeat music) ♪ Da da da da da ♪ (dramatic music) (laughing) - Crap 'n's Mailbag time. If this is your first time listening, that's the music. The crazy music we play when we open up our Crap 'n's Mailbag. And unfortunately, there are no more parachute sheets inside the Crap 'n's Mailbag. Instead, we have questions. These are left over from last week because we had a crazy week with live performances and we had Matt Woodfield. Oh, by the way, sorry again about the audio, but, you know. - Sorry. - It's nice. - We never said we were professionals, okay? - That was really bad though, oh my God. We did do a sound test and we were like, "Well, that's livable." And then, man, I played it back and it was terrible, but thank you for listening to people. - Well, the thing is that I heard only the first sound test. I didn't hear the second. 'Cause remember, we put it in a different mic and I ever heard that one, so I can't be held accountable. I blame it all on Ronnie. - I'll take it, that was embarrassing. It's over, why bring it up? God damn it, wanna move forward, okay? Like the people on Dallas, but like Reza. - I just wanna move forward, okay? - I'm starting a new chapter with microphones. - I don't wanna talk about what a horrible person I was to last year. Let me just do it again this year, okay? Okay, sounds good, now friendship is back. - I'm gonna throw some red velvet cake at you. I wish you'd throw some red velvet cake at me 'cause I'm still hungry. - And then, eat it off the floor like MJ. God bless your heart. - Okay, so some of the questions from last week. Oliver Haskins, remind me of Ronnie if we said some of these. If I only did this, Oliver, he has two questions. Ben, would you rather spend an evening with David Bedour laying in a coffin in OC couples counseling or David Foster sing along where you can't sing? And Ronnie, best by call and you've been forced into the indentured gay servitude of a bravo housewife. What service can you provide, choreographer, stylist, solar fat treatments, et cetera? And which housewife is best suited for your talents? - Okay, you first. I think, let's see, I think I would rather be in a David Foster sing along because where I can't sing because I feel like they'd be good hors d'oeuvres and if it's a David Bedour, David Bedour lying in a coffin, there's no upside to that, at least if it's a sing along, you know, maybe Michael Bolton might show up and I could listen and maybe take like a selfie. But David Bedour, I mean, it's just him there and on top of that, I have to go to Orange County. - It'll just be like in a dark cave with those Simpson's eyes, that's all you see, those like Simpson's blinky eyes at you. - Yeah, what about you? If I was going to give a service to the housewives, I would be just, I would be a real gay friend. I'd be the friend that's like, no, don't say it like that, say it like this. Like, tell me all your problems with this woman. Okay, now let me tell you how to deal with the bitch 'cause that's what I do for all my girlfriends and they do great. (laughing) I would be the real gay friend, okay? - Yeah. - Real gay for pay. - Real. - Decent advice because I don't think any of these women have one, none of them. - No, it's hard to get a real gay friend when you're on camera. - Yes. - I would help Rina, I'd be like Rina, if you're gonna bring down Vanderpump, here's how to do, no, no, stop looking at the fly, stop chasing the fly, come back. Okay, I know, I see the butterfly too, pay attention. - That fly's been flying around for a long time, baby. All right, I've been looking at flies for a long time. I've been in this world, I've been in the wilderness for a long time, baby, I've seen a lot of flies and that fly is out of control. I look at that fly and I say that fly has problems. I see it, that fly is addicted. - That fly is a mess and I'm not taking it, baby. Harry once had a fly in his house that was a mess, it ruined his life. I could not take it anymore, baby, own it, fly. (laughing) That fly is not owning it, all right? That one of my swatter, but I'm gonna get out my swatter. I'm gonna be crazy Rina, okay, and I own that, baby. - Oh, you're on the fly side? Well, guess what, the fly vomits on food and then he eats it, okay? So consider who's side drawn, baby. - Yeah, I think Beverly Hills could use a real gay, you know, Erica needs some real gays to help her look less cray-cray. She needs a gay who's like, "Don't pat your posts." Like, she needs a gay who's gonna be like, "Bitch, you 44, "get your hand off your pussy, nobody needs to see that." Okay, now here's a good old jazz standard. (laughing) - Yeah, here's who Nina Simone is and what she meant for our world. - Okay. - Lauren, oh wait, no, Kenneth Curtis, he says my friend Maggie was just diagnosed with Lyme disease. She is an avid listener due to my badgering and can really use some quote unquote advice from you guys in Yo-Yo Voice to really teach her how to get better. As her health advocate, it is much appreciated. - Well, we just got a question from somebody who gets paid $200 an hour, so congratulations, health advocate. (laughing) - That's a rough job to get. - Yeah, okay, so Maggie, here's what you have to do. All right, you have to lie around all day and then take a picture of yourself in a bathing suit against the rock. - No one will believe you unless you are in white denim, okay? - All right, Maggie, all you have to do is have three children and make sure they're all supermodels and only remember one of their names was not that hard. - Lyme disease feeds off of all men. If you eat more than one almond, you will be dead and weak, okay, trust. - I don't have anything else. - Also, Lyme, I'm not sure if it's chronic Lyme or Lyme, but if it's Lyme, take your damn medications and take care of yourself, that is not fun. - Get some rest, girl. - Yeah, feel better over there, my God. - Yeah, sorry, Maggie, sorry, Maggie, that you got the Lyme, the old Lyme disease. - Maggie hugs, Lyme hugs. - Hugs for Maggie. - Let's see, I'm trying to remember what we did, Michael Horn, did we ask this one? If the housewives cast competed as a team against each other in a big brother survival assault competition, which city do you think would win? - Atlanta. - Yeah, I think it would be Atlanta. - For sure. - Well, just can you would recruit Matt, probably, and then Matt versus Ramona, it's done. - I think they would win because they're not afraid to get dirty and just rip each other to shreds when they need to. Although, there are a lot of like puzzles. - Thinking about putting Porsche on a puzzle team. - No one's winning the puzzles. Can you imagine Ramona? Okay, whoa, this is crazy. Okay, you put the box over there, and I know this because when I was a little girl, I used to love playing puzzles in the woods, and I would play this puzzle, and I'd put the box always on the right. And, and Jolie, part of the semester, was they don't put the box down there. You can't put the box down there, and said, well, that's the key to getting it right. And she said, no, you don't put the box anywhere. Because you're a stupid little girl who doesn't do puzzles anyway. And so, from this day forward, I never did puzzles. But then, as I got older, I decided, I am gonna do puzzles. And that's why you should never rely on someone else. Do a puzzle for you, okay? - Ramona would never leave Survivor just because she would refuse to put her fire out. - I will not put out my fire, okay, Rob. I will not do it. You can't tell me to do it, because the minute you put out the fire, that's when Mario thinks that it's not time to come home. Okay, and I won't do it. I'm an independent woman, but it's very important for me, okay? That Mario always knows that this is a fireplace going for him, okay? - Hey, Jeff Cropes, can you take my bags, please, okay? - She would just call him Rob the whole time. She would never even learn his name. (laughing) - Could you, this is a beautiful island. Where's the ray game music? We're game music. (laughing) - She wouldn't even do some of the challenges, 'cause she wouldn't go to that part of the island. (laughing) - I'm sorry, but we don't go to that part of the island. We go to the Hamptons to do those things, okay? Let's take a essay. - That Rob Proby is so tacky, okay? Like, if this is all you can afford, I get it, okay? But I'm a working woman. I've been working since I was 11, okay? I need to make a hut. - That Rob Probs keeps hitting on me, okay? (laughing) It's like, all right, I get this fun. I love flirting, I love flirting with Rob Probs. He seems to be really receptive to it, okay? - Ramona would never get voted off because she'd be lost the first day because her stupid macrame swimsuit would get caught on a branch or something, and she'd never figure out how to get back to camp. - She'd throw a champagne glass at her other survivor, tribe members, where'd you get that from? She's like, I just have them, okay? - No one can fish, but she can stab the fish in the brain with a fucking wine glass. (laughing) - She gets voted off, she just doesn't go. - Well, I'm sorry, I wanna stay. You don't get to tell me what to do, okay? I wore Ramona blue for this tribe. - Take a fan axe! (laughing) - I just wanna have fun, okay? Why can't I have fun on this tribe? Why do I have to go anywhere? I don't wanna leave, this is an island. It's for all of us, okay? Now, I claim that hammock, that's mine. - She's just stealing everybody else's dresses. They're like, we don't have another, there was no other dress for you to steal, okay? - Where did all the bandanas go? - Well, it fell off the raft, so I took it for myself. - Rob Sintering gave it to me. (laughing) - Rob Probs said I could wear it, it's Ramona blue. (laughing) You know what, you just need to calm down. You know, I'm sorry, I'm very sorry. I'm sorry that you are hurt so much by me taking your bandana 'cause I won't keep it back. - Oh, good. - What else is in the O'Mail band? - Oh, lord, oh, you know, I don't, I just can't remember what we said. Do we ever ask, would you rather be Patricia's butler or Catherine and G-Rad's nanny? You are also ethnic in this scenario. (laughing) - Okay, would I rather be Catherine's leveny's nanny or what was the other one, Patricia's leveny's butler? I would rather be the butler anytime. I mean, look, it's making a perfect martini for some old bitch in a calf tan, like, some old racist bitch. I'm sure that's awful. Cleaning the shit off of Thomas's children, way worse. And he'll throw your purse in the pool, don't forget. - Especially because you probably have to like, take care of the child as if the child were from like 1845, you know, like these little blousey things and little hats and, you know, all that stuff. Be a lot of, just like a lot of attention and these antique rattles that were been passed down in Antebellum years. - Look, Thomas Ravinow, I'm not teaching your child English based on things that rhyme with confederate. Okay, I'm not gonna do it. We're gonna have to find a better plan of action to teach these children, Thomas. I would be fired in two seconds. I also don't wanna be pushing the pool, so. (laughing) Although, he does walk around naked a lot, but man, those ears are probably really starting to take away from the penis. - Those ears are getting out of control. - It's a little Pinocchio, it's a little Pinocchio-ish. (laughing) - I think he's on that island. - Ooh. - Look out for whales. - All right, so. - No. (dramatic music) ♪ Ooh ♪ (dramatic music) (dramatic music) - Oh, yay, mailbag. Yay, mailbag. Okay, we have so much to talk about. So I'm gonna put this out here, Ron Dall. Well, we obviously have dialis, we have shaws, and we'll, and obviously the Potomac reunion. I don't know what I'm putting out. I'm putting out the most obvious things that we have those three to talk about. - So let's talk about them. - Thank you, I'm all worried. - Coffee, the coffee. I'm like, listen, Ron, I have something to tell you. This week, I only wanna talk about shaws, Dallas, and Potomac. Is that okay with you? - You're all, I'll let you have this one. It's important for me to mark down when I let you win, okay? So I have a good score. I like when you do shit like that. I let you win three times last week. I'm Loopy, everyone. As I mentioned on the bonus episode, my sleep pattern's all messed up. I woke up at 5.30 this morning, couldn't fall back to sleep. I watched Dallas, I went to sleep at 9.30, woke up again at like 10.45, drank some coffee and here I am. I'm all turned around. - Well, what do you wanna start with? Dallas or Chas? - Why don't we do Dallas? Just 'cause of the most recent thing I watched and it's new and it's fresh. And, you know, it was better than I expected. - Oh, it was my dream come true. - Dallas, man, everyone in Texas knows that Dallas is the fucking worst. People in Dallas walk around like, this is the fashion capital of the world. One of my cousins actually told me when I was living in New York. She said, well, where do you even think the fashion capital of the world is? And I said, I guess Paris? Well, where else? New York, oh yeah, everyone in New York says that. What about Dallas? It's like you're wearing like polyester pants and a tube top and you're 300 pounds. What the fuck are you talking about? These are the kind of people who think that Dallas is the fashion capital of the world. - Maybe if you're going to like, the latest solo fashion show, but otherwise I wouldn't leave it for Paris. So the thing that's interesting about the show, it's funny because halfway through, there was something did feel a little strange to me. Like it didn't feel totally like a house I've shown. It felt like a different sort of show. And then I thought to myself, I bet this was repurposed. So I looked it up, I looked at the up fronts, Bravo up fronts report from last year. Sure enough, this show is originally called Ladies of Dallas, which I wonder if it was supposed to be a spin-off of Ladies of London. - And then they were like, "Whoa, we're going to cancel that one. I'll change the name again." - Yeah, so it was supposed to be about like, women fundraising and Dallas charity, all that stuff, which is what we saw. - Unlike every other housewives. - Exactly, but you know, I guess it probably would have been more about the ladies and other families perhaps, I don't know. But either way, just a little backstory of where we are. - Bravo tries to do this. That's where we got Real Housewives of Miami, that was called like the Miami Eating Club or something. And then Real Housewives of Potomac was repurposed too. Did you know that? - I assumed it was 'cause it came out of nowhere. I think when these shows come out of nowhere, which is what happened with the first season of Miami also, then they're probably repurposed from something else. What was Potomac repurposed? - It was supposedly about etiquette, which really puts it all into such better context. I can't believe they didn't bring that up on the reunion because it makes Karen at least kind of make sense. - Well, it's kind of unfair just jumping ahead. And Andy's like, "God, you guys talked about etiquette so much. "Well, if it was a show about etiquette, then that's why." So wait until I set them up to look like assholes. - Well, that's what he does. I don't know if that's true. I didn't read that on Bravo or anything. I just read that on Ye Olde internet. Anyway, Dallas is perfect for Real Housewives. It's a bunch of rich ladies or fake rich ladies who are always trying to one up each other in charities that they don't give a flying fuck about and know nothing about. Just a bunch of phony baloney idiots and wow, did they deliver from me. I mean, the opening shots is how I judge a show. This one, Botox, like someone was getting Botox. Statues of cows because in Texas, there are statues of cows and bulls everywhere and horses, like bronze statues in people's front yards. I don't know why, but they showed a bunch of those. And then they showed some old lady who looked like kind of Carol Burnett in like some weird circular hat in a fashion show. So Texas fashion, I was, I'm there, I'm with you. - Yeah, yeah, I was, I have to say I was a little suspect. You know, I always like approach new bravo shows with a certain amount of caution. I, and at the outset, we first met Brandi and I was a little concerned. She's like, I was like, she's like, I, you know, she'd be a Dallas cheerleader for, you know, Dallas Cowboys. And I was like, oh God, she's gonna be like a big whatever. And she has a child named Brooklyn, which was strange to me because she's from Texas and her husband's from Texas. So why are they naming their kid Brooklyn? Did not understand that. And I was like, so you're sort of like, vapid and pretentious at the same time, but they're just first impressions, which all got reversed. - So it's like Brooklyn and Brinkley, you know, it's like things that she wants, but can't have. Like, you want to be Christy Brinkley, can't do it. You want to go to Brooklyn, can't do it. - Two icons of New York state, Christy Brinkley and Brooklyn. - And she talks like this, she has a little soft voice like this, and she met her husband in the eighth grade. - Yeah. - I was trying to make the quarterback jealous, but he didn't get jealous, and then I ended up with this guy. Now we have a bunch of ginger babies running around. - Yeah, I was like, oh, I'm gonna hate this woman. But actually, of course, changed my mind on that. Then we met Leanne, Leanne, whoa, whoa, Leanne, whoa. So Leanne, her first scene was her not being able to open up a door, which I thought was a great metaphor for her life. She's like, how did I open this door? Oh, do you see me open the door, it says, push. Did you see me? I was pulling, it said, push. How hilarious. - She has this kind of throaty, both like this. - Yeah. - Yeah, there's a metaphor for her life, trying to push open a door that's pull only to a store she counted for in the first place, and it's a thrift store. I mean, darling. - Vintage Marchini. - Oh, fashion capital of the world. - All of us do expire, honey. - Did you see me trying to pull this door? I mean, I was pulling the door. And I was supposed to be pushing the door. I'm thinking you believe it. - God, I miss Texas. - Did you see me? - She's one of those people that likes to like highlight the funny things she did, like three times. I think did you see me? Did you see me? I was pulling instead of pushing. Did you see that? Did you see that over there? I was pushing. I was pushing. I was like, took away forever again. Did you see that? Did you see that? - I love it. I love the joy of Texas. I just love-- - Did you see that? - I love that. And also, our gaze are real, by the way. The gay who owns the story. She's like, what do you think of these? And he goes, honey, I love you, but that ain't gonna fit. Like, yes, yes, real gay, yes. - Yeah, but the women are faking, the gays are real. - Yes, girl, you know you're a real gay if you spent high school running from pickup trucks, trying to drag you around the streets, okay? We earned that shit. - Yeah, certainly. So what was funny to me in this first scene with Leanne, you know, she starts talking about society, this and such. She goes, this charity thing, that charity thing in this. But then she very quietly mentions, you know, I'm not the one who writes the checks, but I volunteer a lot. I was like, hmm, that doesn't, I mean, that's nice that you volunteer, but you can't be talking about charity, this and charity that if you're not writing the checks. - Yes, 'cause I'm curious. - Yes, of course he says, charity a million times in society. And this is what society's like. And it's very difficult to get into that of a society, 'cause once you're at, you are at. And I am one of the popular girl and she's going on and on. And then she's like, well, maybe I don't write the checks, but someone has to order the wine and make sure the chairs are around the tables. - Yeah, that's really what she says. She's like, I order the vases, I get the flour in, I make sure the doors are unlocked so people can come into the function. - Oh, and listen, oh, I'm so sorry. - No, I was just gonna say, and just to jump ahead for one second, when we later see her at her house, or her boyfriend's house, I mean, this place made the Breaking Bad look house look like a mansion. I was like, that's not my checks. - I call myself the mouth of the south. I use my voice to connect people and charities together. That's a charity broker, okay? They're all fucking frauds. She makes a percentage off whatever she raises. Don't buy it from this woman, she's evil. And also I love that this is the one, he's like, I may be a conny, but that means I know how to have a good time or whatever her opening line is. - Yeah. - And she goes, I have a good work ethic, 'cause I've been a conny since I was a young girl. I understand the dark side of life. And then they show like her in an umbrella hat. - Yeah, she's like, and she like understands charity. She's like, listen, I've been mugged, I've been knocked on the side of the head, I've been forced to juggle knives, kiss water buffaloes for pleasure, jump through fire rings, roll a fake beard, I've seen it all and I understand the charity. I used to have a second head. (laughing) - This is so funny. It prepared me for life and that was society. Okay, so she's got this friend, Tiffany. - Yeah. - Who bless her heart. Look, this is how Texas works. Blond's in one area, brunettes in another. I've never seen a group of friends, it's different. If there is a brunette in a group of texts and friends, she is in the corner by herself, but the blonde girls feel better than her. - Okay. - Tiffany, so the very first note I wrote was, Tiffany and Leanne are going to fall apart, because they're sitting there bragging about their friendship and how they've been friends for so long, and yada, yada, yada, and Tiffany has a face, what's the word, Vulpine? She looks just like a fox. This is not going to last. This is a classic set up where two people are friends in the first episode and then fall apart of the course of the season, mark my words. - Yes. Well, for her face, I just wrote down Margaret Cho, Margaret Cho with Giada surgery. (laughing) - Oh, God. And Tiffany is so Texas looking. I mean, she is so Texas, and she's like, which, you know. - And you know that Leanne is going to just always be hurting herself on this show, because her choice of jewelry is this big, gigantic square of turquoise. - Yeah. - And that she'll drown with if she swims in a pool. It's like, you know that this girl is just going to drown herself. And you know, it looks like one of those flagstones that she just picked up off a driveway and then wired together and put it around her damn way. - I was literally just about to say that she stole a flagstone off of someone's walkway. Off the count of Leanne's walkway, she took a pickaxe to it and kinetic it and ground it up. - I learned how to do that in the carnival, that's right. - I spent the first like 45 minutes of the show thinking of some weird turquoise bags you had, like dangling from her neck full of, I wouldn't even say weed. It's probably just full of little chocchis. Little tickets from raffles from all the charities. She's like, "Well, one of these days "is it going to come through for me?" So then we meet Carrie, who is a plastic surgeon's wife. She's also like a, like a sort of surgical, there's a term which I'm forgetting, it's like surgical assistant or whatever surgeon assistant, I'm sorry. - Yeah, whatever it means when the wife shows up to make sure their gay husband isn't fucking people at work. Whatever you call that. - Listen, I got to say, at least she's doing something legitimate. At least she's assisting with, she has accomplishments. She has evidence of education, I would hope, if she's doing surgery. She's better than Gayle on series of wives whose big thing was making blazers for all the slave exceptionalists. - Well, is she actually doing surgery? 'Cause I think she's a nurse assistant. So I think she hands things to the nurse, who hands things to the doctor. I'm not sure, I mean, time will tell, but. - You can't just walk in and do that. You have to have some sort of certification. So, I mean, it's more than Gayle who does Pilates in the morning, SoulCycle in the afternoon and laser shopping in the evening. - I love that her name, her last name is Dubes, or something, it's like Dube something. And she's like, "Bubes by Dubes." And she's talking about that. - In Dallas, you need three things. A good handbag, good shoes and good boobs. It's all about the boobs and Dallas. You gotta have good boobs. And my husband brings boobs to people who need them. There is cancer hurts people. My husband gives them new boobs. Okay, you wanna talk about a couple of fraudsters. They have a charity that pays for people to get their boobs done by this doctor. So they are not just handing out boobs to people on their own time. They're raising money to pay their own damn mortgage. - Yeah, stay on y'all. - So then we meet Stephanie next, right? And Stephanie, for some reason she reminds me of Kelly Pickler, she, and actually by the way, it took me about five minutes to realize she'd moved on to a new housewife. I thought we were still on the plastic surgery. - I did too. - I was like, I was like, okay, we get to see her at home. I was like, oh, wait a second, but she has a different husband now. - And a really stupid voice. - Really? - Oh, my God. So her and Brandy, the ginger, are besties. And they're this like giggly trio. This giggly duo of girls who just walks around giggling and talking about farts. - Yeah, and like, drinking quote unquote Jesus juice, aka wine. And her husband gives her random household chores, just to make it, just 'cause he can. So they spend time trying to like fix a garage or opening. And basically don't open her in Stephanie, basically spending time like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I love them. - One of them talks like this, and the other one talks like this. - They are really quite a pair. I cannot wait to see them. And I'm loving them already. Because Brandy is so Texas, she's like, "Well, my best friend is Stephanie, "and she lives on a whole." - Because she lives at the Four Seasons Hotel on the golf course, so she lives right on the whole. I come over here so that we can drink Jesus juice together. And we call it that, 'cause Jesus turned water into wine. And so you drink it at church, and then you drink it together. - And then one of them's trying to open a bottle and hit yourself with the corkscrew. And they just sit there cracking up at each other. - Yeah, they seem like they have a fun time. Stephanie's, I'm interested to see how Stephanie's husband pans out, because he was like a little bossy. He was like bossing her to pick up a ski jacket of some sort, or whatever. - Yeah, I don't know. - I think the jury's out on him. - Yes, we're crazy. - We're crazy. She'll fart and I'll dance inside of her fart. And then she says, I don't know why she does these to do these things. I mean, she should just steal her husband's money. (speaks in foreign language) - So good. - Yeah, Brandy is a gem. I'm, I really, I was surprised. I was really a preparing to dislike her, and by the time the scene was over, I was like, okay, I'm on Brandy's side. - So funny, and this was not even a scene coming up. I just wrote, of course the villain is a brunette, Carney, LOL, in Texas. - Exactly. And I think we go to Leanne next, right? Next we go to Stephanie and Travis, O.J. and Bacon. - Oh, wait, we just talked about her. I was raised in church, not allowed to dance. Dad, Deakin' my Bible school teacher. My kids are named Champs and Cruz. - Lord. - Yeah. - Oh, geez. - Our relationship is fueled by Jesus's juice. We hammered and made out. We got hammered and made out. And then the next night, we got hammered again, and then we made out some more. And then we got married. - Yeah, I'm like, this is, this is, this is not promising. If you spent the first six months of your relationship wasted waking up on the floor of your kitchen with him, and then you get married. - You could tell her attention stands really short, 'cause she goes, - My husband's kind of bossy. I mean, I think he wishes he was married to his mama. Okay, his dream woman would be Betty Draper. I'm like, yeah. - Apparently you only watched the first episode of Mad Men, you don't know. - Yeah, I was gonna say. - Oh, I had the exact same thought. - More, more bull statues in front of homes. - Yeah. - Now, Carrie and Mark, is that what you said? - Carrie and Mark. - Oh, babe, construction, blah, blah. We can fast forward. We already talked about them. The doctor. - Oh yeah. - Oh yeah, they were like, oh yeah, right? - You have your trunk show for boobs. - Yeah, which 10% goes to 10% of the sales of this jewelry goes to boobs. - Yeah. - With your 10%. - So charitable. - I know. - Those tax. - Everyone was talking about Charity this entire episode, especially, again, then we come back to Leanne, and she is, again, talking about Charity. But Leanne cracked me up because, 'cause she's such a passive aggressive bitch. There's this woman named Marie, who suddenly appears, and they're somewhere, and Leanne's like, oh, I don't think I want this devil day. Give it to Marie. She'll eat almost everything. Go eat it, Marie. Eat it. Eat it, Marie. Eat the dog, devil day. Meanwhile, Marie, isn't Marie the really rich one who has the house? So they're having this Charity event at Marie's house. I forget what, this one's not for the boobs, right? Which is this one for? Yeah, this one's for the boobs. - This one's for the boobs. - It is for the boobs. So Leanne, yeah, walking around like she's the boss, and Marie's terrified of Leanne. She's like, ♪ When Leanne tells you to do something, you do it ♪ (laughing) - Leanne immediately sees Brandy and Stephanie, the bimbo's talking to each other, 'cause they're like, ♪ Remember when you had your baby? ♪ ♪ Yeah, when I had my baby, I went poop on myself ♪ ♪ And then you farted, huh? ♪ ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ - And they're just like laughing about vaginas and poops, and Leanne passes, and she goes, "It's a little play-no in here." (laughing) - Shut up, Leanne. (laughing) (laughing) - My favorite thing was also like when that older woman was talking about the Charity, and she's like, "Well, women need breast reconfigurations." Leanne's like, "Awesome, awesome." - Awesome. (laughing) So we switch over to Tiffany and Erin. So Tiffany is Leanne's brunette friend, and then Erin is her like, - Keeps urban, wannabe. - Flat iron hair, Australian accented, LA reject. - Oh, yep. - We met in LA, of course you did. Where else would you need that for? - Yeah, at the rainbow room, I guarantee. (laughing) She is so ridiculous, but not hateable. She's not hateable, I feel bad for her, 'cause she doesn't look that rich. She's an ex-model, she can't be that rich. She married a musician. She obviously married for a love, idiot. And then she met him, she goes, "I met him in the Hollywood." And you know, I was doing everything, co-kind, modeling, going on birds. (laughing) Drinking Kristol, and I had a come to Jesus moment on the bathroom floor. (laughing) - Erin found me right there, and brought me to a land of cheaper rent. - Yeah, really wear a bandana on your head, like a pirate. - Me and Leanne, or peas and carrots. - Both things children are afraid of. (laughing) - I call her Sucker, and my name's Taya. (laughing) So then she takes her boy toy, her aging boy toy to the guitar store. And not only does she buy him some expensive guitar, he insists on singing to her. - Oh God, I mean, I'm sorry, like the flat iron hair, I can't deal, I cannot deal at all. - His song lyrics, he's like, "I love you, I'm so happy I could cry, I found me." - Well, I still need some work. - You couldn't rhyme cry. (laughing) - You all took me as crying herself. She's like, it reminds me of the formaka on the bathroom floor. (laughing) - Remember when I was at rock bottom, how I accidentally stored a set with that Ajax, and then you took my wallet out of my purse, and I was in the emergency room, all romance. - Reminds me of the time I try to eat mothballs for a cheap pie. (laughing) - Oh, this show is already priceless to me. - So, now we get to Leanne and her poor person home. - Here it is. - Good, award, it's like what are you shooting this on the Roseanne set in the fuckin' Smithsonian? (laughing) - That just plays. - This is the woman, I mean, I was shocked. I mean, this is a woman who just five minutes ago was starting off for chances by saying, "Here's the thing about society." Okay, dot, dot, dot. Okay, and then she comes into this house. - Oh honey, you can't be mean and poor. - Yeah. - Now, I appreciated that she didn't lie about being poor when she was like, "Now, there are some people "who are billionaires, there are some people "who are like millionaire millionaires, "which has got tons of millions in the bank." And then some people just have like a million or two, and I'm not even, any of those. (laughing) - I'm in the 20, I'm in the 20 group. - If I ever have a child, I name him Carl, because I eat at Carl's Junior every single night. - If I have a baby, I'm naming him Washington, 'cause I got more of those bills in my wallet than any other. - Oh, sweet. So poor things, she's like scooping dinner out of HEB, you know, prepared foods, plastics. - Release the Vanderpump is hawking LVP sangria at this moment. - You know she's looking, you know, LVP is looking at those HEB things like, "What do people use those little plastic boxes for, darling? "What, there's food in there, there's swans, who does that?" - Why would they name a supermarket after an episode against Jews? (laughing) - I'm not gonna tell Muhammad I'm here, that's for sure. (laughing) - Get him all excited, darling. - And they have a cracker eye on top of everything else. I mean, this place is just awful. - Leanne is a damn mess, okay? Not only is she brunette and eating out of HEB to goes, she goes, "Well, yeah, my hoes, me." Well, you know, we're not married, but you know, my boyfriend, we're living in sin. You know how that goes? - Well, he's already been married a few times. He's the yank to my yank. - He's the fairest to my wheel. - Yank, he's the yank to my yank. - Yank, yank. God bless her heart. - We need a heater, she tells him over dinner. She's like, "Honey, he's like some Texas cop, "but be afraid, okay?" - Yeah. - And she goes, "Honey, we need a heater." And he goes, "Then we need to make some more money." She goes, "Never mind, I'll let the son do it." And he's like, "Don't worry, there's a quota. "It's a police station. "If I just shoot three more black people for no reason, "I get $5,000." (laughing) - Oh, yeah. So, she's going across the line, right across the line. - Hey, gotta keep your heat on. Let me see, she's talking about how she's not rich. She goes, "Yeah, but it's better being me "because all the millionaires know my name." - Oh, no. - So she's on the keep out of the party, like, yeah. - My picture is up in front of every party. Like, do not enter. - They know me at every store in Dallas. They even have my checksup on the register. - Mm-hmm. - I walk around. Some people walk around with the toolbox. I walk around with the little needle to poke those darn things set off the store alarms with. - You know what I'm talking about? What are those little needle things you push into the-- What are those little things they put on clothes? I want one of those things so bad. So, she mentions her big feud is with the ginger, brandy, the idiot ginger, which, of course, a weak poor villain is always gonna pick the dumb one, always. And she picked wrong, unfortunately, for her, as we'll see later in the show. - Yes, whoa. - And she's like, "Well, I'll just get the dumb one "and make fun of her," and she tells us the story. She's like, "Last week, I was doing a charity "with the AIDS services Dallas." She's like, "Something about AIDS." And she's like, "And that girl had the nerve." What does she even say about her? I just started laughing so hard that she's throwing off AIDS. Like, it's just another day at the office. She's like, "I was talking to AIDS, "and that girl had the nerve to be married to a rich man." - Yeah, I don't remember what she said about brandy, but I do remember that around this time, brandy did her Leanne impersonation, and it was hilarious. It was just like, "Oh, oh, oh." It's something weird like that. And to see brandy being just like, "Quite, like Texas girl, just spoke like this," and also go, "Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh." - If she's imitating her at an auction, she's like, "That ain't gon' do." "Maybe I'll need 500, 500, that ain't gon' do you either." - I love that she just made her fat Albert. It's so offensive. - It was hilarious. - But also, Leanne says plainly why she hates both the giggle twins. And she says-- - Oh, they don't, they're just-- - They married rich. Some women don't want to have a job. They just want to marry rich men, and that's fine. I didn't marry into society. I work, darling, that's not society, all right. You're an employee of a rich person. You're not in society when you clean a carpet, darling. You're a carpet cleaner. - Yes, just because you subscribe to High Society Magazine does not mean that you're actually in society. - Brandy and Stephanie, these wine glasses in Texas, they are all like that. They're humongous. They're bigger than the head. So they're doing more of their giggle twin stuff. The impression comes up, and now Leanne is after her. She thinks she's gonna get her because-- - Over at the AIDS charity now, right? Like, it's like, yeah, this is another AIDS thing, right? - No, this is still the same boob charity, but they're talking about the AIDS charity that made Leanne mad at Brandy. - I thought those two, but didn't those two gay guys stand up and say what you've done? I don't know. - It doesn't matter, was it? - What's the difference here? I guess you're right, there were gays taught, I can't be a gay AIDS boob charity. - All I know is that this one happened at, I think, Marie's house. And again, Leanne, God, her favorite thing is to take down Marie in these weird ways. She's like, "Oh, Marie, why do you have the big "and the little plates out? "Like, why don't you have enough plates? "What are you gonna do with big and little plates, Marie? "God, you're such a crazy old kid. "Don't you eat another egg." It's an egg, with the egg, Marie. - Marie's like, "Someone please help me, "get these plates out of here, please." - She's coming for me. I can't believe I didn't get all my big plates. Everything's bigger in Texas. Why would I get the little plates? - So Brandy explains to us why she hates Leanne too. They hate each other, and she goes, "It's just not very nice. "She acts like she's never met me. "We've met a hundred times." She'll always say, "Who are you in here?" And I think, seriously bitch, I mean, me and my husband are both redheads. Our last name is Red Mund. You have stupid, you have to be. - Yeah, exactly. And she points out that Leanne points, always, uses these charities to talk about herself, and she got up at the AIDS charity, and there were all these people talking about their AIDS stories. Leanne gets up and gives a speech about being a carny kid. - Well, when I was a carny kid, I needed some first aid, 'cause I got hit in the head with a hammer. So I know about AIDS. - Back when I was a carny kid, you got hit in the face with a hammer, someone just put some gum over your cut and called it AIDS. - You know, back when I was a carner, sometimes we take the HOV lane to get to the next fairground, so I know a lot about the HOV illness. - I'll tell you, when I was a carny, we had some real trouble with bees. There were those hives everywhere, so don't come to me thinking, "You know more about HAV than me." - So we have Brandi and she's having to show up, and Leanne is already shooting daggers with her eyes. And someone, was it Marie, who tells Leanne that Brandi was imitating her? Someone told her, right? - Yeah, they all knew what they were doing, but they're like, "Oh, she did see real fun in personations." - But they didn't call it that. What were they calling it? - They kept saying, "The mimic." - Mimic. - And I was like, "Oh, I heard you were doing a mimic." If the mimic is from a good place, I will laugh my ass off. I was like, "He stopped saying mimic over and over again." And then they approached Brandi, like, "So we hear you have a mimic. "I'm dying to hear the mimic." Could you please tell the mimic to us? I love a good mimic. - I love some mimic, right? - Come on, we'd love to see it. And Brandi looks like she's going to poop on the floor and she does not want to do it. And she's just like, "I'm not this man, girl. "I will not do this." - And so she doesn't do it. And finally Leanne's like, "Well, fine. "Then I guess we'll get you later "once you've had a couple of those drinks "and then you could do that mimicry. "You're so proud of." - Yeah, and then Leanne and Tiffany walk away. So then Brandi and Stephanie are like, they're murmuring or whatever. And then Leanne comes back, 'cause I guess Stephanie like brushes like one of Brandi's hair, right? And Leanne goes, "Y'all are so cute spot-checking each other." - I don't miss a beat, by the way. - You're cute as pie. ♪ You don't have much to say, do ya ♪ ♪ Little cutie pie ♪ ♪ I bet I could do ♪ ♪ I bet I could do a real good mimic of you ♪ ♪ I'd just be quiet, wouldn't I? ♪ - I wish there was a rich person for me to marry so I could mimic you. So then Leanne, I'm sorry, then Brandi's like, "Hi, Leanne, can I just talk with you for a second?" So you think for a moment that, first of all, it seems like way too much for this situation, but then you think Brandi is maybe gonna try to bury the hatchet and she's like, "Leanne, I'm like a nice person "and imitating people, it's just sort of what I do." So you think it's an apology, and Leanne, the fake bullshit artist that she is, she's like, "Oh, Aussie, you're a spirit, you're a sweetheart. "You mimic people because it's your comedy "and I love that about you." - There is nothing about you that I don't accept. - Okay, I accept every little thing about you, even your mimicking, which is top A quality, A for AIDS, right? - If there was a yelp for mimics, I mean, I would go on there and I'd give you a few stars, little mimicky, mimicky, moo moo moo mimics. - Yo, no, I rented that movie, Mimic, and to my surprise, you were not in it, but it was Mira Sorvino, and I tell you one thing, she doesn't mimic like you do. - Guess who else isn't welcoming Dallas society anymore? ♪ Me, Sorvino ♪ - Or any of those giant last-sized cockroaches, they are not pleasant, it makes they are, but they are not funny mimics. - So she's giving her the full on Texas cut fitness treatment, and Brandy looks terrified, but she goes, "I'm worried about you, "word about me, why would you be worried about me, "but my back doesn't hurt, "it's not like I have sex and money "that I'm carrying around like some people." (laughing) - It was, to me, Brandy doing that was so amazing. Like, for Leanne to come at her in such a condescending way, I'm gonna be like, "Yeah, I'm just concerned about you, "actually, I'm not actually here to apologize, "I'm just concerned about you." And Leanne got, whoa, that ruffled, whoa, Leanne, whoa. - It did, she like straightened up, and she's like, "Why, why would you be worried about me?" She goes, "I was at that AIDS event last week, "remember when you didn't know my name, "and these people were talking about AIDS, "and then you told your story." And she goes, "My story helps people, Leanne. "Okay, I've been through everything." You know, so some people think I'm glad and aggressive, but that's who I am, and Brandy goes, "Well, be who you are." She goes, "But I am being who I am." (laughing) - I'm mimicking myself. I love a good self mimic. - But there's a time and a place. Well, what's a better time to tell people who you are than when they're dying of AIDS? What am I gonna tell them after? I mean, what kind of introducer do you think I am, honey? - But then Brandy had the most wonderful neck, because I guess Leanne was telling her that she's loud or whatever, and Brandy just says to her, like, listen, you don't have to be any of those things to be accepted, which was so amazingly condescending, like, you know, implying that Brandy is part of the establishment, and that Leanne is trying to get in with them. Like, you don't have to do that to be accepted by us. - Oh, I loved it. - And then Leanne goes, "Oh, so you see me? "It's a pathetic person." (laughing) - Yeah, I was like, "Oh, you really read into that one, Leanne." - And then Brandy not letting go, says, "Well, I just feel sorry for you." (laughing) - And Leanne's like, "How dare she? "I do charity. "This girl talks about farts and peeps." (laughing) And then I just wrote down this quote. At one point, she goes, "Little mimic her." (laughing) - She did. This was so funny. She goes, she really did say, "I do charity." And she does, she does talk about farts and peeps, and then she goes to the kitchen and starts doing the dishes, okay? And then-- - Making a little one too. - She's in there just, like, talking about herself. She's like, "That girl had the nerve to tell me this "and that little mimic her." And she's doing the dishes, oh my God. - Oh, hallelujah, hallelujah. - Also good for Brandy for saying in this stupid fight, she's like, "Well, because Leanne was like, "You don't understand. "Y'all haven't been in society for a long time, "and I am in society." And Brandy goes, "Well, it's 'cause I have kids." She goes, "Well, I don't." She goes, "I know, and that's your choice, "but my choice is to have kids in the family, "and for me, it's gross to be spending all this money "on parties when we could just be giving money to charity." And she's like, "No." (laughing) - Me not try and take the 1% of her 10%, Donnie. - Wow, me and Paul, Leanne's like, "This is the only time of the week "that I'm gonna have to eat like frozen carnitas, okay? "So let me have my crudites." I did bring my empty HEB to go, so-- (laughing) - I know styrofoam's not popular, but it's lasted me for 10 years. (laughing) - Man, that show really made me laugh more than I thought, and I guess it's 'cause I'm from there, and so I just love seeing Texas women in action, 'cause that is so true. - I'm not from there, and I was cracking up. I feel like this could be on your secrets and wives. - I love it so far, can't wait to see where they go. - Love it, can you, oh, you know what, nevermind, I was gonna ask you for a moment, so I could find, oh wait, I need to find a coaster, I've made a mess of my table here. - Well, take a moment, you wanna make a pee pee, you're something. - I don't have to make a pee pee, but maybe I'll try. - Okay, we'll just go hold your penis, maybe something will come out at your joints. - At the very least, I better find a coaster before I warp this lovely Achaia table. (tires screeching) (tires screeching) - So, here we all back again. Now, we're leaving Texas to go visit East Hollywood, otherwise known as Little Armenia. (laughing) - Shores. - To welcome back the Shores, sunset. Now, look, I have a lot in common with these Texas people. I am not Persian, I'm Lebanese, so I don't have as much. In this town, we're considered the same, but man, these persons are rich, and I also love that they all have backwards eating disorders. They are not disordered at all, they just eat. Every year they're fatter and fatter. God bless them, I love it. - They really, really are. I was actually pretty happy to have Shores back. It's sort of just like, I know it's been promoted, but it's sort of arrived, you know? And it's like, oh, the Shores are back, it's time to get crazy now. - And it seems like every year they shoot this show so much earlier than they air it, because they shot this at the beginning of last summer, and it's already about that time again, and usually it only takes a few months for shows to release, but every year with Shores, they push it and push it and push it, and so it's like two years of fat. - Yeah, I'm excited for the season. - Me too. - I feel like I always like Shores a little bit more than you do, right? Or could you seem to-- - The Shores, what I liked about Shores at first is that they're all real friends. What made me end up hating it by the end to last year is that they're so bad to each other. In a housewife show, I expect it almost, but when they're supposed to be real friends, it really makes me uncomfortable, 'cause they're not just mean to each other, they try to ruin each other every year on this show. - Exactly, and then they tie it up with a little bow, where they say, "But we're family." I'm like, "Mm, yeah." - Yeah, no, no, no, I don't treat my friends that way, and they don't treat me that way. - Hell no, you'd be done with me in two seconds if I did half this shit to you. - That's horrible. - That's right. - But luckily, Ronnie, you're a good friend, and you never treat me like that. - You too. - Thanks. - I'm not just in a you two fakie-bakey way, you really are, and God bless my friends for being good friends, because I know I can be difficult, but people are just like, "You're difficult." They're not like, "Ronnie's an alcoholic for a year, "and try and bring me down." They're just like, "Are you an alcoholic?" And they're like, "Maybe." And they're like, "Okay, let's go get a drink." The end. - Now go eat this devil egg, Ronnie, eat it, eat it, eat it. (laughing) - So those are our macros. (laughing) - Let me see. - We start with the plight of Reza. Last year, I did some really fucked up things, and I love to add him at the altar, and it was a huge mistake. That's like so Persian, but guess what? He's still around. - And it turns out the plight of Reza is not applied at all, because Team Gay is still with Reza making breakfast. - Yes, out of the Team Gay is getting a revenge like any wife would do by not shaving her beard. It's like so long that it's gonna hurt. There's no making out with that dirty hipster beard without getting poked. - Yeah, it's gonna be scratchy, that's for sure. He's like, "There, I've given up grooming. "I hope you're happy, Reza." - Yeah, so they're happy, they're having more sex, and Reza says, "My life goals are simple. "I just wanna get married, buy a house, "have sex, and buy gold." That's a Persian. - Adam has learned, is it Farsi that they speak? Because I recognize some Arabic words in there. They use like yellow, that is, we use that. So, I'm not sure what they're speaking. I assumed it was Farsi, or maybe we share some words. Who knows? - Can you speak Arabic? - A little, a boquito. - Aren't you awake? - A little bit, yeah, I know bad words. I say a lot of words on this show, you just don't know what I'm talking about. You just move on, you're like, don't, not gonna ask. - Which is how it should be. - I didn't realize that you were an Arabic mimic, that's all. - Oh, oh, oh. - So, they, Adam's being cute, he's learned words, and then they start talking about their sex life. - Wow. - Yeah. - Wow. - I wasn't ready for that. - I was not ready for that, that's too much. Adam's like, "Well, I've been trying in this text department." He's like, "I'm sure you've been trying, "like taking a shower and then lying face down on the bed. "That's not trying, okay." - It really made me pine for the days of Ashley and Michael's pull-out method discussions. - I just love that Adam, Adam walks right up to the bed and just lays his face down on a pillow and just turns to a starfish. - Hi starfish, you ready for me to penetrate you now? - Make it stop, make it stop at the end of this, I'm getting a watch. - Ah gay marriage, it becomes normal marriage so fast. - So speaking of love and relationships, we move on to MJ, and MJ has a new boyfriend named Tommy, who is another in a long line of pusses that she seems to be attracted to. - Wow, this is an aggressive puss. - Yeah, really aggressive, and there are great love stories that they met on Tinder, and on the first day, she got out of the car and he was there in basketball shorts with an erection, and to me, the real story is, why was he wearing basketball shorts on their first date? - Well, you're dating MJ. It's like asking why people bring trash bags to SeaWorld. They know they're gonna sit in the front row, they can get something on them. Like red velvet cake, or chocolate croissants. - MJ has really come a long way. She's opening this episode by telling her boyfriend, "I need to purge." Yes. (both laugh) - Don't do that while I'm drinking coffee, Ronnie. You make me purge. - I think we can all applaud a reasonable life goal. - Yeah, and by the way, they are showing a different exterior for her condo, but she still lives in the same place. 'Cause remember, I saw her on the street just like a month ago walking her two dogs. - Yes, they got like a building down, still a building that's right there. - Yeah, exactly. - It looked familiar still. - Probably. - Imagine if it was my building, I should think of my apartment. (both laugh) MJ's condo, it's like, you see me on the balcony, wait, wait, what, like, covering my face? - You start getting mystery slider drops on your balcony. Where are these coming from? So she's talking about moving all of her old terrible clothes out to bring in all new terrible clothes to match basketball shorts. I mean, I don't know what the fuck she's talking about. This guy's a pig, he's totally an obvious pig, and not because fat, but like, (yells) - Yeah, she goes, she goes, I really wanna be cleaved my shoes to somebody and he's like, you wanna cleave your shoes? It was like the second coming of Jonathan secrets and wives. It really was, it's gonna stick us thumb up her ass next in front of Vida. - And she'll take it. Oh my God, those bangs, MJ. MJ is a humongous mess, and I still really liked her. - I love her. She can be so evil. And yet I still always love her. - Yeah, I find that I'm on her side even when she's evil, because then when they were mean back to her, I'm like, but poor MJ. - And then you meet her mom, who's the most evil, and then you realize, oh, it's okay. - Yeah, exactly. She's wearing her mother's hatred, darling. - And I can't wait for Vida to clash with this guy. - Oh, 'cause he ain't gonna take shit from her, and that's for sure. - That's right, and she's not gonna take shit from him either, so it'll be fantastic. - What the fuck's your problem? You'll twat! - Can't wait. - First of all, I'm not a twat, I am ping-pong champion. (laughs) - Uh, although if you hit a ping-pong out your twat, chances are, I would hit it over the net. Every time. - Would you call Martina and Avratlova a twat? I don't think so. - Please, can we just get her saying Martina and Avratlova? At some point, we'll see. - It's pretty hard to do that. - And a fake version of accident, I decided that much. - So next we go over to Jessica and Mike. - Oh, yeah, they're doing the Culver Stairs, and this is one of those really fun sort of scenes that you see before a relationship falls apart, where Mike's talking about how much he loves Jessica, and he says he wants her to be with him until the day he dies. You know, or not. (laughs) - Or until I, you know, fuck some girl in the hallway of a party and get caught next. - Or at least until daylight saving time. (laughs) - Probably won't last that long. - Poor, I would say poor Jessica and Mike, literally maybe, because there was something in the news that he just spent a million dollars on some egg chair, which he will be poor. He probably is poor now. She's marrying for money, but she's marrying someone without money, and I don't see her ever changing her mind on that one. - He's definitely gonna get arrested at some point. I don't know where all this money is coming from. He spent like five seasons not working, and then he's spending hundreds of thousands of dollars in every little thing. He is up to no good for sure, and it's gonna crash. We've seen this before. We watch Bravo, we know what happens with other stars. - And we know they broke up. I don't know why they broke up, what happened. - I know that she started dating some serial killer or something after him. - He cheated. - Oh, but like that's new. - Yeah, exactly. - By the way, you can't say you're gonna be the only woman in a relationship when you have a different face every goddamn week. Keep your face on, woman. - I know, yeah, Jessica. So we don't like to make fun of the way people look, but when people do things to their faces. - When you do it to yourself, then we do make fun of you. - Yeah, it's like you're just suggesting, 'cause you look pretty, you look pretty on your own, and now you are just turning into the Joker. - You look like a beast of Jennifer Lopez all over her face. Like I see what you're going for, but just stop it. Please just stop it. - Please. - Remember, rewind, darling. - So Mike says that Jessica, she's like, "Well, you know, married life is very different. "I had Jessica makes me ask for permission for everything. "You know, if I want to go out, "I need to get permission. "If I want to see my boys, you got to ask permission, "we got to do this." I'm like, "Well, that's terrible." Well, first of all, I want a new pussy. Got to ask Jessica. - Yeah. (both laughing) - But first of all, these guys have a fucked-up relationship. First of all, the fact that she has to ask for permission for anything is messed up. But also, the fact that she needs to know exactly what it's doing, because if she doesn't, he's going to cheat or whatever is also fucked. They're both totally fucked up. - Yes, and notice that she's going to wait to get on him about cheating, even though he's constantly cheating. Like it's all over the old internet. She waits to divorce him until the cameras are rolling again. She's like, "Oh, I'll make sure that I'm back on TV. "I'm not going to get money from him, "but I'll get another season." - And then Jessica tells Mike, 'cause Mike is on this thing, and was like, "I just want us to all be a group again. "I just want my friends to be my brothers. "I want them to be uncles and aunts to my children." And Jessica's like, "Well, I'll make a man with Gigi. "I just hope that she's in a place of maturity, "not craziness." I'm like, "Well, you're one to talk. "You're the craz-- well, I mean Gigi's crazy, "but you're crazy too." - You screamed at a woman over fried calamari in a fluorescent lit Thai restaurant. Who are you to call anybody crazy? - Yeah. I think that was a Persian restaurant, though. - Whatever. - Whatever, it was fluorescent lighting. - That was fluorescent lighting. - Well, that's the unforgivable part. - Then over in Venice, we got to see Gigi's new lips, which are plumper than ever. And we got to see Asa's new calf tans, which I thought they looked nice, actually. I mean, I don't know about calf tans, but they thought they looked pretty. - Bravo, I mean, really with the calf tans. Does Bravo get a piece of every calf tans? And where are these women wearing calf tans? 'Cause I don't see them in real life. I live in the same city as all these bitches. I don't see people walking around in these calf tans. Who are they? Where are they? - I know one or two who are fond of some calf tans. - Besides me, darling. - Well, they take them to Palm Springs. - Oh, okay, men. - Yeah. (laughs) - I want a man calf tans in terms of-- I think of all of Asa's half-baked ideas, this is probably her best one. - Well, it doesn't require anything that we have to listen to, which is lovely. - And it doesn't look like diamonds. - Yeah, I could go for a calf tans. - Or things that look like diamonds. - She's not putting calf tans in water, so that's good. - So, so Gigi has rheumatoid arthritis, which is pretty terrible. But now-- - You know, God gave that to her so she couldn't threaten people with knives anymore. (laughs) - God's like, you say, you just stand still, okay? Just stand still for once. - It's public safety rheumatoid arthritis from God. - So now she's drinking heavily. She's like, I've fallen back into a lot of my old habits. I'm like, were they ever old? I thought they've just been current. - When did you ever stand out of them, exactly? - Whatever you're not drinking heavily. Don't blame your rheumatoid arthritis. It's terrible what you're going through. And I, okay, blame it a little bit, 'cause I get that. You do have to drink to numb the pain, but also-- - Do they not have oxy and East Hollywood? I mean-- - Yeah, you were drinking heavily before you had rheumatoid arthritis. - This time of year is busy. Family obligations, holiday parties, travel, relaxation might fall to the bottom of your priority list. - You guys, you need to take time to relax and you need to be somewhere where there's soft white sand healing crystal blue water cloudless skies. - We know where that place is. - Aruba, shake off any cold weather blues and enjoy the islands and biggerating sunshine. 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Prescription required restrictions apply. - I was inhaling. I was waiting for something. I was like, "Ooh, this is gonna be big." I'm like, inhaling. You're like, "I'm done." (laughing) "I had a sudden onset rutoid arthritis of the mouth." - Yeah, rutoid arthritis, of course, it sucks. But of course, somebody blaming all of their drinking and all of their cut-fitnessy behavior on rutoid arthritis, like, "Come on, darling, we've had such real diseases on this channel. You're really gonna come up with your arthritis, made you horrible." - No, rutoid arthritis is totally real, but-- - Yeah, I'm not calling her a faker. I'm just saying to use it to be like a hateful, you know, Alky, who tries to stab people in the face, it's, they don't match, you know. - So now Gigi and Asa are talking about Jessica and everything and Mike and all that stuff. And Gigi's like, "I just still have so many unresolved feelings." Like, what else is new? What have you not had unresolved feelings? What have you ever been able to resolve anything in your life? - The pain is so bad my brain can't function. - Darling, I mean, I've watched five seasons of this. - I know, it must be spreading to the audience. (laughing) - So they do this role play thing, because Asa, ever with a peacekeeper, is like, "Well, what's gonna happen "when you guys get together? "Like, you can't just be like your stupid bitch "and like try and cut her, you know?" Okay, so look, let's pretend that I'm Jessica. So I'm like, "Hey, Europe, you're a bitch, you're crazy, "you know, you're stupid, you're dumb, you're a whore." (laughing) - Whoa, Asa, calm down over there. - And Gigi actually looked shocked. Like, she was surprised that anyone would say that to her. - Whoa. (laughing) And Gigi acts like she's above it now. She's like, "I'm just gonna say, "I don't have time for this, okay?" 'Cause like, I'm better than that. - And Asa just kind of looks around the room, like, no one's buying this, right? - Everyone's sipping tea. - And then something happens, and Asa says, "That's an omen right there." What happened? - A dragonfly, sweet bite. She's like, "See, that's an omen." - No. (laughing) - I don't think it was an omen for the dragonfly. Like, it wasn't an omen for them. It was like, "Oh shit, if you're ever flying "and you see a crazy bitch, talking to you "and you're not a crazy bitch, "you were gonna plunge into a pool soon and drown." - That dragonfly is gonna get stabbed by its sister when it goes home. (laughing) - That's an omenfly. - Dragonfly is like, "Hey guys, I've got a great idea." (laughing) Gigi's extensions for dragonflies. (laughing) Like, oh no, all the dragonfly's families are like, "Oh, there goes the family fortune." (laughing) - So next up we have Mosiko, the wedding photographer. I don't know what it is about Middle Eastern culture, that we always have a Mosiko, the wedding photographer, who sits your ass down after a family wedding after you just paid the fucker $20,000 to take your pictures and then says, "This photography book I got from the Walmart "is $1,000 plus $500 for the work I do." Like, oh my, Joel is so stupid. And then Mike's talking about all the money that he had to spend on the wedding. You know, he's acting like he's saying like, "Ugh, I had to spend all this money." He just wanted a brag, because remember that scene, like two seasons ago when he was poor and he went to that like poker night and everyone was rich and he couldn't spend any money? So he's like, "Yeah, I had to spend a few hundred thousand, "yeah, a few hundred thousand there." You know, the flowers alone, I spent this much, spent that much and I don't condone it. I think it's excessive and ridiculous, but I understand it's like, he's keeping up with the Jones and the Persian stuff, like Persian wedding stuff. But then he's like, "And then I had to spend $10,000 on a tux." I had to spend 10,000, like you didn't, okay, that's where I drove the line. You did not have to spend $10,000 on a tux. - Not only did you not have to, you didn't. I mean, who do you think you're kidding? All they have to do is show three clips of that and your ass gets everything for free. - Yeah, go to men's warehouse, get yourself a $200 tux, bring it to a tailor and you'll look like a million bucks, okay? - Yes, have them change out the tag, you're done. I'm not really a Mike Hader, but he is so stupid, poor thing. I mean, dude, you're on Bravo, at least watch Bravo. Watch how Kyle Richards gets everything in her life for free. If it's a car for her kid, I don't care if it's a jag, she will get that shit for free. You put it on camera, you get it for free. She'll be known as Fat Burger for the rest of her life, but she's also got a caterer for every party for the rest of her life. - Yeah, you know, Mike's an interesting character. Believe it or not, as much as we talked about him, there are a lot of things I'd like about Mike a lot. I feel like in certain ways, he has a really good perspective on like the big picture about friends and family and like emotional things like that. But then he's also really cocky and he's really insecure and he is also a cheater and he can be really condescending to women, so I don't like that. And I don't like this wedding video that they, it was like a bad Avicii video, you know? - No, the radio? - Bullshit. - I can't believe I only wrote down wedding vid. That's crazy because this wedding video was insanity. I mean, it was like some, this I believe cost $10,000, you know? I mean, my niece could do it on her iPhone, but still. They went to the kill bill church. Did you notice that? You guys, did you watch kill bill? Do you know how that shit ended in that church? - They was a hidden message. - It's like, look it, look at Jessica's $10,000 shoes. The spike is coming down on gravel. - Like close up filter. - The problem is that if you ever put Jessica into a yellow track suit, instead of going on a killing rampage, you just spend the entire time being like, "I can't believe I'm in this track suit. It looks so bad on me. I can't believe it." Oh my God. - It would be called blame bill. She just goes on a rampage of blaming everybody around her for her own fucking problems. - Storming out of scenes. The whole movie's 20 minutes long 'cause she just leaves every scene. - Lucy lose, like what did I do? Where are you blaming me? - There's no beheadings. Daryl haven't got to keep her eye. - The only thing she cuts is her own face over and over again. - She gets mad that Vivica A. Fox doesn't give her a snack in her kitchen. - Fine. I learned Judaism for you, Vivica. I didn't ask you to do that. - Vivica's like, "Wait a second. Did you send a text from my phone?" And all hell breaks loose. She goes with the game and just starts blaming. - We just killed the game, bro. So then we have a scene. Reza asks Asa to officiate his wedding because he decided that he wants to do a surprise ceremony in Palm Springs with the rationale being, - How great is it that if you want to get married and your man is like, "Surprise, here's the wedding." - Yeah, what every bride wants for the husband to make every choice, then not have a say in anything, including who's invited. Fucking Reza, he's so gross. Why would you marry Reza? That is the worst idea I've ever heard. He only wants to do us that way. He doesn't have to invite everyone in his family. - Yeah, he doesn't have to invite anybody Adam doesn't want. Adam doesn't get to have the bride experience of picking out the silver, the location, any of that. He wants to keep all control. You cannot get married and keep all the control full. - Yeah, no. - If that's a terrible, terrible idea, Reza, you should know better. - Which at least Adam tells him off later in the season for it, in his, you know, mommy way. - I didn't appreciate that. - You tell him, buddy. - So now we go to our, my favorite, Shervin, Shervin, the Shervinator. - I love Shervin. - I really like, like a nice douchebag. - I really like Shervin in his first season. It's new, I still like him, but he's running into that thing where he's already hurting himself on TV for us. And it kind of makes me not like him because I want him to be more confident. Like, he's getting, first of all, his eyes are saucers. His pupils are saucers. So he's obviously doing the coats. There's, he's doing something weird 'cause he did not have black saucer eyes. He looks like a cartoon character. And his arms are too fucking big for this world dude. Calm down. - It was such a thing. - There, man, he couldn't even take off a shirt. Like, they're humongous. They're bigger than a tree trunk. It's so hot. - The minute he stops working out, it's gonna be just boob. It's gonna be all boob. - Listen, I'm not arguing with anything. I am arguing with everything you said. But here's the thing. I don't argue with the projection of Shervin's arc. He will probably be terrible by the end of the season. And by next season, he will be all flab. I get it. But for right now, we have Shervin in a pristine state. And I'm going to treasure Mr. Shervin. - Yeah, I like him too. And he's legit rich. - He's legit rich. He seems like he's douchey, but he's like sort of funny, funny douchey, if that makes sense. Like, I kind of am like, okay, yeah. You know what, Shervin, you do your douche bag thing 'cause you're happy and you care about your friends. So I'm on board with Shervin until he becomes awful, which will probably be in about like two episodes. - And I hate being the guy who's like, he's gay because that's so lame. But on Bravo, it happens a lot. I mean, Shervin is living with that guy who's with us. His cousin or who is that guy? - It's Gigi's cousin, Nema. - Oh, okay. Well, I think the numerology and the name Nema is gay because I knew a gay guy named Nema. - So there. - I think I know a gay guy named Nema also. Is he's have salt and pepper hair? - Yes, he's a thinner guy. I think he's got a least turn as well. - He's a friend of mine. - Yeah, he's a friend of mine friend. I've met him a few times. - Yeah, he's a sweet guy. I like him. - We've met Gay Nema, but we haven't met Shah's Nema. - He got trouble at him catering like 10 years ago or something like forever ago. And he got fired because he was asking the people who owned the home for weed. (laughing) - I mean, you gotta love Nema, but he does serve and guy. Okay, so he's living with this guy. They're both hot. They're not really gay acting, but they're gay-ish. - Is that a middle-ease thing? - What is the second season that they've been roommates? They're in a different house, but they're roommates. He's still... - And then Gigi's like, "You look gay in that." She made some gay comment and then they're like, "Oh, no, I'm not gonna help him with this shirt." 'Cause you said gay and then they start acting all mortified by a gay comp. They're, I don't know, they're just too much tonight. - So Shervin is having a birthday party and it's going to be a white, it's his 35th birthday. It's gonna be a white party on a yacht. And so that's happening. And that, I'm just reading my note here. I don't understand what I wrote. We're the two in the group that are sort of in... Oh, so Shervin was talking about the people and he's talking about how he really likes Gigi and he's like, "Yeah, we're the two in the group "that are sort of in the same boat." I'm like, "Why would you ever lump yourself "in the same category as Gigi? "That is a terrible thing to do." He was just saying that the two that are single. I'm like, I would never, ever draw any comparison. - Between a new Gigi. - Well, she's single because she stabs people. You're single, God only knows why you're single. I'm glad you are and I hope you're gay because I could be in a relationship, not because of his wealth, I don't need your money, but I'm gonna love the relationship of watching your muscle turn to fat right in front of my face and watch you become my bitch slowly, but surely. - He'll be a good cuddler. I bet he'd be a good cuddler. - He'll crush you. You know how much that guy pips. He probably breaks the toilet. - That's a lot of protein shake. - So it's time for the white party. People are coming over to Austin's place to change and Reza dresses up like a chic, which is nice to call back to Thailand when they had some sort of chic prank that they did. Shake, shake, shake. I don't know, that's it. I mean, it was like, I don't know. - I don't think anyone's ever called Reza chic. So, well done. - I was surprised there was no Chevron pattern involved. And now, so we're basically, eventually, we sort of get to the yacht. Well, there was some issue. MJ has this dress. She's like pouring herself into it and then she's in the limo and they're stopping every five minutes. We stop to pee, we stop to get twings, we stop to get food, we stop to pee again, we stop to stretch. It's taking forever. I mean, that's so Persian. White people are like, let's get there on time. Persian people are like, let's stop at every row. Stop to pee and stop and cut up dresses. That's so Persian. - And typical of a Middle Eastern party, they're not even the late ones. That was the best part. Other people were still arriving after them. - Including Bobby and Asitha. - Oh, gross. - Oh my God. - Clear them already. What do we have to do? - Yeah, just please. Why are they there? Awful off of you. - Look at this so true to form. Hey everybody, let's do some fireball shots. - God, of course. - Of course they're like doing the shot that no one likes. - So Vanderpump rules mentality in 40 year olds. - Yeah, so they're all drinking. They're all doing shots. Everything is, you just know it's a disaster. It's gonna be a disaster. They're all stuck on a boat. I wish Kate Chastain were there. I wish this was somehow a crossover with below deck because I would love to see Kate Chastain's bitchy reactions to all of them just sitting there with her flat face for me. - Why rolling in the back? (laughing) - Well, don't y'all wanna make up? - Little Amy. - What's the problem? You're about loving people. - Hi, Shervin Anne. I see they got you a red velvet cake and I have old. I was on the floor now. - Oh well. - Shervin, where are you going? Come by Anne. - So, Shervin arrives in his big flashy way on a helicopter. - Making Sheraywood Field's dreams finally come true. Arriving via helicopter. All that was missing was a poet. - Well, you've got Gigi. - True, that's true. - I like how Mike's reaction was. Whoa, that would be badass if that's him in that helicopter. Dope, very, very alpha, man. Very alpha. (laughing) - Shut it up, especially by the way, do you know if that Mike was wearing a t-shirt that was whatever dual, you know, that's golden penis? - Yeah, it's golden dick. - Oh, geez, he's wearing a t-shirt. - Well, at least he's trying to make some money. - Yeah. - You know they used to call me when I was growing up 'cause my name is Ronnie, as you know by now, but Don Dooley in Arabic is a penis. They call it dual, but we call it a Don Dooley. And so they, my mom used to call me Bron Don Dooley. (laughing) I wanna get one of those shirts made up for myself. She would love that. - Yeah. So, Gigi's getting drunk. No surprise. Then we find out that Asafa and Gigi have an issue. We don't really know what the issue is, but they have one, of course, 'cause they always have an issue. And then people are approaching Gigi about like, are you gonna talk to Jessica, whatever? And Gigi now is drunk. She's like, "I don't know what her mom said is now." She always has a burn set instead of mindset. You're like, "This is gonna be bad." She's starting to move into like weird media talk. - I wanna get in front of an audience, all right? So I'm just doing this for my brother. - Yeah. - I really don't want an audience. Just a camera to broadcast us to the rest of America. - Exactly. So Jessica comes down to show her and makes him talk. And Jessica, Gigi, I have to say Gigi for Gigi. It was pretty good. She was like, "I didn't even know when I was doing that. "I had zero control, Jessica. "I didn't even want to, like, re-mean. "I'm sorry, Jessica." And she said, "Sorry, I think twice." And Jessica's like, "Well, I want you to hear my sight. "I had never been more shocked in my life. "Like, even when I saw my third face. "Like, how could you? "Like, you were so mean. "And you know what? "What you say has zero relevance in my life "because I'm married now, okay? "So you can say whatever you want." And she's just like, "I saw, sorry, I saw." - And Jessica does this whole thing where she's like, "You know, like, I walked in, "and then all of a sudden I become the bitch, "and not my." Well, I'm like, that's because you acted like a bitch. You went crazy, and then you started getting mad at all the women and all the friends. You did the classic girl thing, which is you attacked the girl instead of saying to your man, what the fuck? That's the problem. So you were, the reason why you became the bitch is because you act like the bitch. - Yeah, I mean, in that situation, Gigi was the bitch. - But Jessica definitely became the bitch that season, and I love that she's just acting like it's someone else's fault that she's a bitch, and then Reza and them are drunk too, and they come down, they're like, "Gee-Gee!" And she goes, "Ugh, thanks a lot for ruining my talk." - Like, I wonder why people think that you're a bitch. - No, Jessica said that. - Oh, yeah, yeah. But Gigi was like, "Ah, there's an audience." I'm like, "Gee-Gee, why don't you just say, "Hey guys, we're having a really good conversation. "Can you leave us alone for another 10 minutes?" That's all she had to say. - I'm gonna call my periscope to complain about there being an audience. - So now Gigi is wasted, and Shervin is talking about how he wants everyone to be happy, 'cause, you know, Shervin's a good egg for now. And so then they bring out a big cake for this like birthday toast, and you know immediately, these are the shots, you know that cake is, the one thing that will never get eaten is a cake, because he's gonna get thrown with these fools. - And then eaten by Amazon, off the floor. - So sure enough, Reza throws some red velvet cake, which actually we also knew because there was a shot of Mike earlier with red all over his white outfit, so we knew something was up. So Reza's like, "I'm gonna throw some red velvet cake. "Isn't this funny? I'm 40." - And he like throws it, and like a little bit of it gets on Asafa's $3,000 dress. She's like, "Oh my God, first go, the best part." She goes, "Babe!" Like she's automatically ready to blame Bobby, or his thing throws. And then she's like, "Why would you do that?" This is like a $3,000 dress. I'm like, "It's your fault that you brought a $3,000 white dress "to a Shaw's party for TV." - God, no kidding. - Darling, I mean, you could sit down and get something on that dress. - Yeah. - It's your fault. No one wears a $3,000 dress on the Shaw's, you stupid. And then she can't yell at Reza because she knows that Reza will just bitch slap her, you know, with words, but still. So then Gigi, Gigi gets some of the cake from Reza through and then throws it at all. - Oh, she's just standing there. Someone else throws like some, and she turns around. This was, it was textbook first grade fight. She, Ossifa turns out, she's like, "Gigi, why would you do that? "Don't throw cake at me. "Why would you do that?" Oh my God, no, no, no, no, and she gets all mad. - So wait, Gigi didn't even throw the cake? - No. - Oh, that's amazing. I didn't catch that. - No, she didn't. And so then it's like, then they're fighting and everyone starts to pull, like everyone starts to pull them back. So then, Ossifa, her big thing is that she walks by Gigi and she takes like a little dollop, a little dollop, and she rubs it on Gigi's shoulder and gives it this look like there. Now like a cake on you too, which-- - Not even on her dress, it's so stupid. - Gigi takes it, just throws it in Ossifa's hair and like punches in the back of the head. - Yes. - And then they just start fighting, and the best part, my favorite part, is they start fighting and MJ gets up on a table and takes the entire cake, he just throws it at them. She's like, "I've been waiting my whole life for this moment." It throws, doesn't take a slice, doesn't she just like, "Okay, great, take the cake, throw it again." - And then eats the clump in her hands. So fucking funny. And I also like when Gigi is wasting, she goes, "I'm out forever, girl bye." - Yeah, girl bye. - Management. And then they cut to her eating sliders. Genius. - And then coming this year, coming up this year on "Shod's a Sunset." Reza, "There's something going on with Gigi." So I guess he found it. Our guest last season was that they were gonna go for Ossa this year, because every year they betray another friend, usually Reza leads a betrayal of another friend, but we thought it was gonna be Ossa, but I guess they're just going back to Gigi, the whole cycle. - She makes it easy. - She really does, she makes it easy, easy for you. - It's like a drunk, sad Toyota, who's never even had the ham strength to throw back cake in the first place. God bless her, at the end she's a victim. - She's like a rav for, you know? Not really useful, not really all terrain. Not really knows what to do with it. Not big enough, not small enough. Just sort of there. - For little plastic pieces on the side, keep falling off and you just keep running them back on and having another drink. - Toyota. - And yet she somehow survives. - Yeah, yeah. - With a little upkeep. - So I'll last them all, just like a true Toyota. - Yeah. - Oh my God, she's not even the one that holds the most gas. - Sorry MJ. - All right, so next up is the... - That's our next reunion. - Oh wait, should we clear the phlegm? Almost forgot to clear the phlegm. - Her and my gersh, do it. - Oh my goodness. ♪ How lucky are you ♪ ♪ What have we teach you about me ♪ ♪ You're the phlegm ♪ - Sometimes we get so wrapped up in these shows, we forget the important things in life, which is... - Making fun of Caroline. - I am going to discard an Instagram photo I was working on just so I can look up Caroline and something's latest, whatever. - Oh my God, that's some giving. So for those of you who don't know what this is, Caroline Fleming is from Ladies of London. She's Kugu Bird and she has one of the most obnoxious Instagrams of all time. And it's fun to make fun of it. - Yeah. I'm trying to find a good one. See, here's a green pond. - I'm gonna do this one with her kissing a... What is that a goat? - I think it's her kid kissing a goat. - Oh, I thought it was her country so thin. - Yeah. - Well, it's her kid kissing a goat on the mouth. And she says... - I bow, I bow, hot, hot, hot. Hashtag Nara. Hashtag Japan. Hashtag, dear. Hashtag, talk. (laughing) - I have, so she's been on like this Asian vacation and so she was in Thailand at one point. And she does a lovely picture of her and her son. And they are next to like a monkey. And so this is what, she and her son are smiling at the camera. And the monkey is like hanging on to this cage, trying to get at them while they're smiling as if they're not in danger. Well, they aren't in danger. So it's just funny 'cause the monkey's angry, maybe it's not angry, but either way, this is the caption. - We are in a cage made especially for feeding these amazing hashtags, no monkeys, hashtag apples, hashtag banana and hashtag peanuts. In heaven, the monkey is hanging and put their little hands through the holes to gentle take the food. Da, da, da, da, da, da. Remarkable, hashtag nature, hashtag reserve, hashtag Japan. - I love that she didn't hashtag heaven. I mean, out of all this shit, you just hashtagged, people probably actually search heaven. We got questions. - I know. I guess she's in Japan, not Thailand. Oh wait, there's one with Donald Duck. - Oh, I need some Donald Duckness. I found one of her at the hotel she's staying at, and it's all in whatever language. ♪ Give hope, metah, metah, metah, ♪ ♪ Been talking to you for the moment, but hot ♪ - But I'm just bringing it up 'cause she's holding a piece of paper in front of her with the logo on it and she goes, at the end she goes. - Help, give hope by buying a hope share. I ask you all for your support and thank you from my heart to buy a share. - What are you selling shares of on the Instagram? - Hashtag, share, hashtag, share, hashtag monkey. Hashtag monkey penis in my title space. But not heaven. - How lucky are we to be in a cage while a monkey wants to kill us? - I don't know what they did to her eyebrows, but something happened in Asia. Her eyebrows are weird. - Well, hashtag eyebrow, hashtag mystery. - Hashtag, whole way. We must get Insta picture of kids in whole way of airline. Hashtag Tokyo, hashtag Japan. Here we come excited beyond exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point, exclamation point, X space, X space, X. - Weird. - How lucky are you Japan to have me visit you? (laughing) - Oh lord. - We cleared the flag. ♪ The flam ♪ - Clear her. - Cleared. All right, why don't we go on to the real house with the Potomac reunion party. - Let us do it shall we? - Yes. - Okay, now this one, I hand wrote some notes 'cause I was trying to eat a sandwich while I watched this. May not make a whole lot of scenes, so. - I have to say, by the way, the women all look better without their makeup on and their little pre-reunion like getting ready, getting ready for the big showdown. I thought they looked great without their makeup. Just a general. - Just a general. I feel like this was kind of a reunion of people from a, I don't know, preschool ice skating class or like a toddler's and TRs thing where they're all trying to wear their original dresses from toddlers and TRs season one. But now it's like 10 years later and like, why are you all wearing glitter that doesn't fit? Why? - It's basically like a sequined reunion, meaning every sequin in the world was reuniting on this stage because it was nothing but sparkles. - Anyone with, what's that disease that you can't see flashing lights? - They always warn you before you go into a theme park, right? - Epilepsy. - Yeah, they're all dead now. So congratulations, Potomac. - I just wrote Robin is wearing a mop on her head from whatever local school she's been hired to clean the halls of. - I wrote that Robin is wearing crazy nurse Nan hair. She was basically like, I want my fashion muse to be Kathy Moriarty and Soakdish for today. - She was. - Like all that was missing was a black dress with weird red flaps in it. - You know, she could actually also be the woman from "Married to the Mob." What was that ladies name? - Michelle Pfeiffer. - No, the one who is like the evil one. - Oh, I never saw her. - She's like, I'm getting that open the plane door. - And they're like, no ma'am, you have to stay seated until the plane is completely stopped. She's like, dammit, now open the door. - And then she falls over 'cause of things are good. - Oh my God. Also, Katie, I'm sorry, Katie is beautiful, but her makeup, is it me? Did her makeup look a little messed up? It was like weird, gray, chunky, unblended things. She looked like she got beaten up. Is that just me? - Is that kind of? It's what Erica did last week on Beverly Hills. It's that kind of like glamorous hamburger makeup. - It was like over contoured. It was strange. It was like, she's too pretty to have bad makeup. She's like, is my eye makeup black enough for you? (laughing) Katie was having her moment this reunion. She was really like, you know what? I don't give a fuck about any of you guys. - Yep. - I'm just gonna say what I wanna say. And that's that. - She was pretty hilarious. - I'm younger than you are, I'm prettier than you are. I have more upside. And you all are just crazy bitches, so I'm just saying it to your face. So good for you, Katie. - And these reaction to these women was kind of sad. And he was looking at them kind of like oddities. He didn't quite understand. I don't even know if he watched the show because, well, first of all, I think he has to stay in his eye. He knows like some pink thing on his eye. And he just looked tired. He's like, do I really have to do this? And he was his opening thing. Usually it's like, shuris, look at your new boobs. But this time he's like, shuris, look, you're a person on a street and a person, you're the word on the street. He's like just repeating their opening lines, I don't know. - Poor shuris, you know, I felt like shuris was almost wearing the gray-blue version of Countess Luan's awful teal number that she wore at the reunion last season, which is funny 'cause we just mentioned that on the bonus episode. It had that same sort of like cheap, glittery, thin look to it. I'm not a fashion guy. I really don't know what I'm talking about half the time, but I felt like it looked cheap. - Well, it's Potomac tonning. - Yeah, that's true. - So his first question was, hey guys, so you've kind of been on TV-ish. What are people's reaction to you in real life? - This cracked me up because shuris is like-- - They would mean to me, they were like dicking me as a person. - Yeah, 'cause you were fucking terrible. We couldn't even diss you on everything else 'cause your personality was that bad. - Yeah, she's like, I thought a commercial later than that for a chair that goes up the staircase. I thought that was so rude. Why would they make fun of me like that? No, I hate having people come upstairs. Why would they do that? (laughing) - Karen was like, they were attacking. My looks, I mean, how ignorant. Look at this, it's a mole, okay? It's called a beauty mark. Some of us are lucky enough to have them. - By the way, I loved how Karen and Ashley had the exact same hair. For all of Ashley's saying, I don't really need Karen. I don't need her at all. It's like, no, you have the same hair, actually. Karen was like deranged, by the way. She was trying so hard to seem laid back that she was just overlapping to everything. It's like, so, Karen, we heard that someone in your family died. (laughing) That's just what you heard, baby, but I don't care. Karen, no, that was a sad thing that we just said. (laughing) - That's kind of her on this whole show. One minute, she's trying to be like above it all, and then the next minute, she's trying to be the baddest ass, you know, Chola on the street. Make up your mind, lady. And she was vacillating so quickly between these two in the reunion. I was laughing my ass off at her. - Yeah, well, it was funny when Andy was pressing Karen about her charity event, and you know, Katie was like, yeah, it was a po-dunk shit show. I mean, she's like, it was a lovely cocktail party, but it was not a gala. Karen's like, well, no, you just don't understand. If the o-gala, it was just to start the o-gala, and then like, one woman's back, and it'd be, she's like, in two years. (laughing) The Olympics, is she actually doing the Olympics at this point? (laughing) And then she actually said, wait, what was she saying as far as the scallions? Oh yeah, she's like, the way that you were speaking about the ol' hammers gala, you owe an apology to everyone out there with ol' hammers. - What? - Katie's like, no, I don't. (laughing) It was so funny to see, 'cause Katie started off the season as just this like, ditzy, like, I wanna get married, and she just was saying the stupidest things, and now she's like, she's gone through war, and she's been hardened, and now she's like, fuck it. (laughing) I'm not apologizing to people all the time. - Yes, and Andy's like, well, Karen, don't you think it's a little bit hypocritical of you going on and on about this charity when, or something like, you're going on and on about manners when you're from a farm, and she's like, well, I mean, I'm from a farm, but let's not make any mistake about it. It's not like I was milking the cows. I mean, we had a lot of eye candy on our farm. Listen, when I said it from a farm, I meant it, I come from a family that sells ant farms, that's all. - But you called me a stray. - No, I didn't. I said that I don't take in strays. - Well, that's calling me a stray. - No, it's not. - Yes, it is too. - I called you an ashtray. That's what I called you. It's ashley means an ashtray, ashtray. Get it? (laughing) - Oh, good. - And then Sharice weighs in. She's like, I don't take Karen on Chari's Turk. It's all, and I do a lot of Chari work. We shut up Charice. - And then Robin. - That Chari event was a waste of our important time. Like, we've got time. It's valuable. - Like, what do you have to take off a lunch? Get out of here. - By the way, we didn't mention the fact that Katie is not engaged, and the day before she returned her ring to Andrew. So we'll see what's went on with that. - And everyone's like, why'd you return it? - Idiot. - Well, you probably, he was embarrassed by the show, I imagine. And probably all his friends were like, why are you on this stupid show? And then he was like, yeah, why am I on this show? And I don't even wanna get married. I don't even like women. - I hate the room that you redid. There, I said it! - Get out. - She's like, I'm taking this Mrs. Placker that I put on the door, Andrew. (laughing) - That's fine. I'm bringing the both legs out of the basement. (laughing) - Then let's see, Karen wandering eye, so Andy was making fun of Karen for having eye candy everywhere, which was hilarious. - Andy asked a question in which I thought had to be an allusion to our podcast. He's like, why did the appliances and features in your kitchen not reflect your socioeconomic status? - Yeah, I don't think that Andy listens to this podcast, but I think whoever works for him does, because he went from, okay, what about all the eye candy to, your kitchens are disgusting and people are commenting, so what say you? And she's like, well, my kitchen is my, what'd she say? I can't read my own writing. I wrote, my kitchen is my blog. Why did I write that? - I think she said something I guess probably like my own business. - Oh, it's my business, whatever. She's like, my kitchen is like the beauty mark of my house, all right. - And Giselle's like, well, my kitchen is just from me and my children, and Katie goes, yeah, the kitchen that you were renting. - Katie was going in. Although Katie was also a little full of bullshit, because at one point, saying something about like nasty things and Katie's like, I don't say nasty things about people. - Yeah, I don't talk about people's back. How dare you? - Katie, you do. You do darling. - Listen, we're liking you, Katie. We're liking the side of you, but you know, we got. - Well, we gotta hate you too. That's the only way to be a housewife, girl. - That's right. - When, oh, good. I was just gonna say that Giselle was trying, like she kept trying, and Katie just kept shutting her up, which was beautiful, 'cause I mean, I hate Giselle. So when Giselle starts, and he's like, so what do you think about being the word on the street? And she goes, must be a small street. - Giselle's, yeah, that was funny. I was like, good for you, Giselle, you made a funny line. You know, you know, I think Giselle is hilarious in all her craziness, but even I have to admit, Giselle did not fare well in this reunion. She was like, it's like she showed up to a presidential debate unprepared. - Yes. - She just, everything. At one point, they were talking about Baltimore or something like that, and Katie was like, she was like, by the way, there was no ticker tape array for Giselle once you came back to Potomac, and Giselle goes, yes, there was. (laughing) Come on, Giselle, you just can't take no accountability. Like, you can't even hold this story. - I think Giselle was shocked that she looked like such an asshole on TV. I think she's one of those people who's always been funny, because at first I liked her, too. I thought, oh, she's funny, this and that. But then when I just, I think that people have reacted to her in a way that she wasn't prepared for, and she's showing up trying to act like she's above it all, but she kinda started it all, and she can't, she can't just sit there, but she's doing it, but it's still not gonna work. And then they went after something about her, they started the black fight basically. Like, who's blacker fight by saying, well, you know, you're mean about it, but then you've got green contacts and blonde hair or something, and she's like, these eyes are real, and this hair is not processed, and they did a close up on her roots, which, God bless you, Bravo, so funny. - No, I do sometimes think, though, that Giselle's humor is lost, sort of like what happened with Camille Grammar. Remember Camille Grammar was saying these things that she thought were funny season one, and then people hated her. I do kinda think that's what's happening with Giselle, too. You know, you have to know your audience, you have to know how you're gonna be edited. At one point-- - But she was an asshole in season one. Camille was awful. - I'm not saying, I mean, Giselle has been an asshole. I just still think she's so-- - No, yeah, I'm not trying to make you defend her. I'm just saying it's just very funny watching her trying to eat humble pie that she just can't. I just, I mean, I think the Karen and Giselle are both assholes, but they crack me up, and so, you know, I'm laughing, so I'm enjoying it. - Yeah, works for me. - It's sort of like what you always say about Atlanta, how they make you laugh all the time, you know, just-- - Phaedra's like that for me. I think Phaedra is one of the worst, like as far as bad shit she's done and hides her covers, but she gets away with me, I think she's hilarious, so I get it. - And then Giselle got in trouble about Ash's hair, which I didn't hear about this, but when Giselle was like, I just see a bush coming at me, and then they're like, isn't that like, you are like shaming her for her hair or whatever? I was actually, believe it or not, maybe I'm not in a place to say this 'cause I'm a white man, but I was sort of on Giselle's, I felt like I was on Giselle's side where she was like, look, I wasn't making fun of her hair, I was just saying her hair's big, and I saw, it was like all coming at me. I just look at the bush coming at me. - Every fight they're trying to make into this big, victimy fight, and it's hilarious, and this was no different. She's, Andy's like, well, a lot of African-American women were upset because you made fun of her fro, and she's like, yeah, that was really demeaning the African-American women, how could you? That was an awful thing for you to do to the entire community. - She's like, your hair was big, okay? It was huge, there, I said it. And then Ashley just keeps screaming, and she's going, it's a moot point, it's a moot point. - And Cherise goes, it's mute. It's mute, it was mute, and then Andy just looks at her, and he has this look on his face like, oh, sweetie, and he wants to correct Cherise, he's like, not worth it, not worth it. - He just shook his thigh back and forth. - That was to me the best part. Cherise saying, it's mute. - Oh, don't forget, Karen's. - Yes, did you? - Oh God, Karen had another word, what was it? - I'll come upon it when we get there in there. - Oh no, when she was saying, you faker than a $10 bill. No, no, it's a $3 bill, she goes, yeah, well that was a fraudulent slip. - Yeah, darling, darling. - And also, Karen said, at one point, she was, somehow, I forget the context of the goal, I know, it's about one point she was like, who is Andrew with the missing digit? Oh, that's when I showed her clips of Andrew making fun of Karen, and she goes, who is Andrew the missing digit? Making fun of the fact that he lost a finger, I was like, ouch. You owe an apology to all of the people missing digits. (laughing) Not dare you. - So. - See, poor mom, blah, blah, moot point, guy, beach, AC, Woodywood. Okay, so they got in a fight about hair conditioning, then the crab boil, the center seat, the hairdresser. Okay, this was good to me when Andy's like, a lot of people were really upset on the old internet when you called the hairdresser the help. And then, it just sounds like, how dare you? I would never call someone who works for me the help. - And then Robin jumps in, "Don't you know how offensive it is to working people "to be called the help? "You owe an apology to working people." - Oh, my God, please. And Karen wouldn't, by the way. You having a vape issue over there? - No. (laughing) I'm just straight up laughing. - They're all demanding apologies for the dumbest shit. - I know, it's so dumb. I mean, Karen was making, I mean, the whole point of saying the help was, she was making, she was trying to be offensive 'cause she didn't like that guy, Cal. - Yeah, she was the help. I've never heard people with jobs complain about being called the help. And I've been the help for years. - Well, no, I mean, obviously it's like condescending to call someone the help. But the point is that Karen was trying to be condescending at that moment because she didn't like what Cal was doing. And she was trying to be funny. And it was a funny remark. And it's condescending, awfulness. - And Giselle telling her, "Oh, and then you're saying that he's abusing you?" And she goes, "Well, he did this to my arm. "Did you see him do this?" And she goes, "Yeah, he was checking for muscles "because he was calling you a man." That was the point. - Like that's so much better. - Oh, thanks for clearing that up. - They're all full of so much bullshit. And Karen was talking about how she used to work at a Taco Bell. - I'm not against the help. My first job was working for a Burger King at a Taco Bell. (laughing) - I only work for royalty. - And then someone said, "What were you on the headset?" She said, "Yes, I was." And I said, "Oh, they didn't have headsets back then. "How dare you? "You own apology to every senior citizen in a headset." (laughing) - You own apology to Cisco Systems. Man. Oh, good. So the birthday season. - We found out, by the way, that the Ponzi guy killed himself, which is crazy after. - I'm sorry to laugh, but it's just the way she's telling the story. She's like, "Well, yeah, people didn't understand "when it was so upset, but like, it was our friend. "And then like, when he got caught "and he felt so bad, he jumped off a bridge." I was like, "This story, please stop telling the story "because I can't feel sorry for him, "but I also can't feel sorry for you. "And I actually don't have any hate for Robin at all. "I kind of like Robin." - Well, I feel sorry for her. - I don't. - Is that weird? - She got scammed, and then she lost the best friend and then he committed suicide. - I know that I should, like hearing you say it like that, I know that I should feel it, but I just, I can't. ♪ I've felt nothing ♪ - So then we get to a part where Katie is trying to bust Giselle on being a gossip, which is true. Giselle is a gossip. But my problem with this was that Katie was using the worst evidence. Her evidence for Giselle being a gossip is that Giselle was reading Katie's blog. It's like, "Well, Katie, you wrote that blog. "You published it." That's not reading that blog in front of you is not being a gossip. Like use any other evidence. You have mounds of it. Don't do that one, not on the reunion. - Yeah, well, Katie ain't known for her brains, that's for sure. Yeah, that was kind of a stupid fight. And then I have one humongous question about this show. Does Andy have like gigantic bushes of ear hair coming out or is that, 'cause I know that he's like anti-botox, which I respect, I like it. I like seeing a forehead wrinkle. It's weird, especially on a man. But is there a bunch of ear hair coming out of his ear or is that like some kind of piece that he's wearing in there? Please, somebody tell me because-- - There's an ear piece in there. - Okay, but it looked really hairy though. - Well, there could be both. It could be an ear piece that's like enmeshed in ear hair. - I get not botoxing, but you know, scissors, shave it. - Don't even fix that. That's what it is. - So then we got in, the show kind of, I mean, there was a lot of other things going on. - I wrote two fights. - Yeah, it got into a whole thing about black and white and biracial. And they were trying to talk about, Katie kept on, she basically was poking at Robin. She was like, "Do you want to met your biracial?" But everyone was like, "Shut up, oh!" - Yeah, Robin's like, "There's one thing I have to say." She goes, "What, you're gonna admit that you're not biracial or you're gonna admit that you're biracial?" - Shut up! (laughing) - Oh, right, I'm gonna get scared of it over here. - But also another, oh, sorry, Ben. - I was just gonna say, I mean, I feel like Robin is actually pretty level-headed and she's, I don't think she's like that mean compared to the others. I thought Katie should have just let her say our shit. I know Katie's mad and she's on like a rampage and she's like having her moment, which is great. You know, we need her to be like that. But what, poor Robin, let poor Robin speak. - Robin does not bother me in the same way that Giselle does, even though they were in the same conversations, because I don't feel like Robin has a mean-spirited way about her. And I think that I think that Giselle does. And so Robin doesn't bug me as much. Giselle was still poking in other ways. She's like, "Well, something you didn't see on camera, they cut it." But she was giving a speech talking about being Jewish and said something really demeaning about black people, about being black. And she's like, "What the fuck are you even talking about that never happened?" - That never happens. - Because argument, massively. She should have just said, with everything with the thought stuff and that this, she should have just been like, "I'm just joking." Or I don't know, like there's so many ways that Giselle could have like clarified the situation or gotten out of it. And she just held on to her line and she lost. - Yeah, when you're looking like an asshole and you know you have a season two, don't be blaming editors for things because they will show you their power next season. - But I still think Giselle and Karen are funny and I like bitchy-cady, so, you know? - There we go. - I'm excited. - I had fun. - It was a fun reunion for sure. - It was fun. I like the season. I felt like the season ended at the right time. It was, for me, it was just starting to get a little stale. I think it was cut off at the right time. I think there's potential. I know a lot of people didn't like the season, but I was, I enjoyed it. - Woundler, you have it. The end of reunion, poll at one. Next week we'll have reunion, poll at two. For those of you wondering where the hell Southern Charm is, that will be on Thursday's podcast from now on because we have to split all this shit up. Yes, it'll be Southern Charm and New York and Beverly Hills on Thursday. - Yes, thank you everybody for listening. Watchworkcrappens.com for our links. patreon.com/watchworkcrappens if you want our bonus episode about the thrillest ranking of all the housewives. I am everything else go to Facebook.com/watchworkcrappens and talk with us during the week. We love you guys. Thanks for everything you do for us. We will talk to you next time. Sounds great. Bye everyone. 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