- Listen, weight loss drugs and GLP ones are all anybody's talking about right now, they're everywhere, but it's confusing to figure out how to get them, but it doesn't have to be. Through hymns and hers, you can get access to a budget-friendly weight loss program personalized just for you. - Hymns and hers connects you with a medical provider who will work with you to determine your best treatment option, and if prescribed, you get the medication as part of a doctor-developed weight loss program complete with ongoing support, check-ins, medication adjustments, and answers to questions a hundred percent online at no additional cost. - Through hymns and hers, weight loss plans are more affordable, starting at $199 per month with a 12-month subscription paid up front. No hidden fees, no access fees, and no membership fees. - Start your free online visit today at forhurs.com/crapins. - That's F-O-R-H-E-R-S.com/crapins for your personalized weight loss treatment options. - Forhurs.com/crapins. - Her weight loss is not available everywhere. Compounded products are not FDA-approved or verified for safety, effectiveness, or quality. Prescription required restrictions apply. - Have you ever found the house of your dreams only to learn it has dark secrets? - Netflix's new series, No Good Deed, follows three families vying to buy a 1920s Spanish-style villa that they think will solve their problems. But as the sellers discover sometimes the home of your dreams can be a total nightmare. - No Good Deed starring Lisa Kudrow and Ray Romano launches December 12th only on Netflix. - Try texture for free right now when you go to texture.com/crapins. Texture.com/crapins. ♪ Watch what crap is ♪ ♪ Watch what crap is ♪ ♪ Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap is ♪ ♪ Crapins ♪ ♪ Crapins ♪ ♪ Crapins ♪ ♪ Crapins ♪ ♪ Crapins ♪ ♪ Watch what crap is ♪ ♪ Watch what crap is ♪ ♪ Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap is ♪ ♪ Crapins ♪ ♪ Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap is ♪ ♪ Crapins ♪ ♪ Crapins ♪ ♪ Crapins ♪ ♪ Crapins ♪ - Today's episode is brought to you by our super premium subscriber, Marvin Jay, as well as our premium subscriber, Christy Dowherty. Thanks, guys. Hey, everyone. Welcome to Watch what crap is. A podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. (indistinct) I'm Ben Mandelker from bsideblog.com and the Bantar Blender podcast, which I swear I will resurrect someday one of those days. I just like to think it's on hiatus. We're starting the new season soon. And joining me, as always, is not Chewbacca, but actually, that's actually our Chewbacca voice. There's a, there's Chewbacca, right? There's a, there's a fine line between Chewbacca and Chewbacca, just in general in life. General Muppet family. Yeah, along with Bluto, who I also just referenced in our bonus episode, Bluto from Labyrinth. So basically the Frank Oz spectrum, right? Ms. Piggy, Chewbacca. I don't even know what Chewbacca is. Well, hence and puppet shop there to open the show. Star Wars nerds are so mad at me that I'm saying Frank Oz, that his voice. But anyway, joining me, that is the wonderful, the happy, the lovely, but perhaps the not couch desk, Ronnie Karam from trash.tv.com. Hi, Ronnie. Well, hello, Ben, and you're correct. I'm in a desk, desk today. Wow, not on the couch desk. Oh, it's a little weird. It feels uncomfortable. It does? No, just kidding. 'Cause it's- I can't be laying on a couch all day anymore in my back. I can't even walk anymore. What if there was a fire and I had to run away? I wouldn't be able to do it. Yeah, my couch, I have a problem that if I'm on the sheds part of the couch, 'cause I get that little sheds thing. And if I fall asleep, I start to slide down it. And then my neck is in a certain position that if I doze off, somehow the angle of my neck and whatever it is, it causes me sometimes to accidentally inhale saliva and I'll wake up gassing for air choking, it's the worst. So I have to- Oh, my God. The couch can work against me. The couch can work against me. I'm glad they're not our sponsors. I know, the couch works against me sometimes. Anyway, this is Watch For Crapins. And you can go to WatchForCrapins.com and find our social media links, which is really fun. And then you can follow us at Facebook.com/WatchForCrapins. Joining on the conversation, we have close to 7,000 followers on that Facebook page and just a lot of people are highly engaged and they are writing stuff all the time and posting things and commenting. And it's really funny and it's a great way to continue the conversation outside of the podcast. So definitely go there, like it if you haven't liked it yet. And of course you can support us on patreon.com/WatchForCrapins. That's P-A-T-R-E-O-N. And you get access to things like a bonus episode. We do a full bonus episode that's usually anywhere between half an hour to an hour of extra content every week. So you get access to that, which is really fun. We do ringtones. - You just did it. - We just did it. We just had a bonus episode where we talked about Yolanda's Lyme disease. We talked about OJ. We've been talking about OJ every week mostly. - We read phase quotes from her book. - Yeah, we looked at DJ James Kennedy's music video and we talked about Kim Kardashian's new photo. - Spoiler alert, reverse blue painted. - Yes, there's a... Blue man group have nothing to worry about. - Reverse-murfed. - Yes, and then at the very end, I started splooging about Mad Max. So, splooging blue paint on a DJ James Kennedy. - Wow, you sure know how to get some subscribers? - Yeah, everyone can listen to that. But you can also get access to ringtones and once a month, hang out. So, that's that and yay, but you know what? - Flip in. - You know what? - What? - I have something to say. - Do it! - Okay, well, thanks to pizza, we're all binge eating. Thanks to Netflix, we're all binge watching. But now with texture, you can start binge reading, trust me. It's about to be a thing. I mean, Lala's reading, "Why aren't the rest of us?" - When it comes to magazines, you know what you like and with texture, you can get all the magazines you want in one super convenient place. - Texture. - You don't have to carry heavy books, Lala. - Yeah, Lala, you can just read Atlas Shrugged. Well, not really, 'cause it's really bad magazines. Texture has completely reimagined magazines, giving you the articles and stories you really want all in one place, plus interactive features, videos and recommendations just for you. - The Texture app lets you tap into the world's most popular magazines anytime, anywhere using your smartphone or your tablet. - Just breeze through hunches of your favorite magazines, including back issues and pick the articles that interest you the most. - Texture's made it easy to find articles you care about. I mean, we don't get to just read self-magazine, which, you know, I mean, that's like reading Tolstoy today and our times. - The Texture editorial team recommends content for me every day because it knows what I like and I can dive deeper with personalized collections. - So sign up for Texture right now and gain insider access to all the content from the world's best publications. - The best part, Texture is offering our listeners a free trial right now when you go to texture.com/crapins. - You'll gain immediate entry to all the top magazines, including back issues and bonus video content. - Try Texture for free right now, when you go to texture.com/crapins. That's texture.com/crapins. - Ooh! - I can't believe that that would make me read magazines right now. - Sure. - It's only a hard time. If you weren't drunk, like, if like you only had beer instead of like tequila and beer, you can maybe read these magazines and it's turning about, blah, blah, blah, blah. - It's all happening. - You were going right. Speaking of things all happening right now, there's something happening. There's something happening in the air right now. I can tell there's something because I went down to Starbucks today and I got myself a big venti ice coffee, which I've saved for this moment 'cause I'm gonna drink it hard and get hyper on the podcast. Okay, everyone? - I've got a jug of water. - And on my way back, I knew that there had to be a new schaz of Sunset trailer because I saw the one and only MJ walking her dogs on the sidewalk in front of my building. - Tell me about her leggings 'cause I know they were loud and I know she was wearing them. - Well, first I was like, who is this woman with the gigantic boobs? And then I was like, oh, it's MJ taking the dogs for a stroll 'cause she has a new chihuahua. - It's like LA is a version of a boulder or like one of those snow things that gets out of control. What do they call it? Turn to the little snowball and it turns into a giant-- - Abominal snowman? No. - No, the ball, the giant ball, the little snowball. That's a little snowball and then it gets bigger and bigger as it goes down the hill and it turns, oh, it snowballs. - Okay, but it's like the LA version of snowballs. MJ's boobs coming towards you on the sidewalk. They get bigger and bigger and you know you're gonna get crushed and probably die, but-- - Her boobs and her butt. She had like on like a periwinkle kind of top thing and some short shorts. - I think it's so Persian. - It's so Persian, periwinkle, so Persian. That's why people wear like blue. But like, Persians wear like periwinkle. Like that's so Persian, like home girl loves her periwinkle. Like don't get between her and some periwinkle. - So I was like, oh, it's MJ, like no makeup. This was like full on raw MJ. Her dog, whichever one of the two dogs that survived, which one was it? She has like Pablo and the other one? - I don't know, me, Lou. - One of them died. The one that's alive, oh, he's so cute. He has like a little broken leg. He was like limping around with like a little bandage on his leg. - You know, she brought him at like the Beverly Center or something. It's like one of those little shoebox dogs. They charged you a thousand dollars for it and they got all these problems. - It's true. So there's really not much to report except that I just, I saw her and it made me happy to know that she's still across the street. - Dumb girls have sick dogs. You were in here first. - This just him. MJ wears periwinkle, has new dog. Going on TMZ, bum, bum, bum. - So we have an MJ. - You follow a periwinkle around. - Yeah. This is our TMZ, TMJ. Which is also a jaw syndrome. - Um. - Girl loves to use her jaw. It's so Persian. That's so Persian. Like only Persians hurt their jaws. Like white people, they never use their jaws 'cause white people don't eat but Persians, we like to put in hella yellow rice into our mouths. So we always hurt our jaws. That's so Persian. - White people get TMJ and Persian people get TMJ the network, okay? - We get TMJ as in, that's my Persian. (laughing) So anyway, but this is all just a wind up to say that there is a new Shahza sunset trail. In fact, Sunday night, I believe it was the first time the promo had aired where we saw this promo with Reza and Mike acting like bros that have been reunited. Did you see that? - Oh, that's every season of this show. They're like, oh, remember when I tried to ruin your life last year and ruin your reputation and get you kicked out of Los Angeles? - Whatever, it's a new year. - Well, it looks like this year they're coming back together again. Yeah, it is. Reza always like isolates one person and then brings them back the next year. That's what he does. - It looks like GG is getting stabbed in the face or some shit this year. Good lord these days. - No, that's usually, that's usually what it is. So let's play the trailer and we'll like talk our way through it. It's gonna be 90 seconds. So it sounds weird or whatever. Just 90 seconds, here we go. - All right, one, two. - Oh, it's harder. - That's a sunset. - Here we are, bitches. - Can I get a hallelujah? - That's a version. - What is that? - Oh, they're, oh, typical. Oh, MJ has a banana and some fun. - Oh, of course he has like slimy shit all over her face in my opening. - You're just awesome. - I love that hot shirt when it's part of the cast. - I'm definitely not there. - It's a douche bag. - I would love for her. - Team Guy to negotiate at my wedding. - I know. - I have a company. - I'm so excited. - Oh, you have a fish here. It's what white people do, but we're gonna make it perusing. - It's so perusing. Oh, guess what? Also has a new entrepreneurial endeavor. Who would have thought? - Memphis. - I have a new relationship. He's not a good match for you. - Hey girl. - Oh, god. - This guy actually makes the guy from last year look classic. We're on a yacht and taking each other's face in a voice at a time. - Mother of god! - Oh, oh, there's something wrong. - Someone just put cake in us, let's hear. - I'm worried. - You cheated on me? - I mean, let's talk about it. - Jessica. - Oh, god, Jessica. She gets worse every single time. - So you don't wanna get married? - She actually makes you care for family with people. - I don't think I'm gonna go back to him. - This is ridiculous. - I'm so crucial. - That's so once again sitting on a fire. - I'm so sorry. - I'm sorry, man, what the (beep) - Oh, they're always like they're fighting at a different time. - I'm fine. - You're a bunch of friends. - You're a bunch of friends. - This is gonna be a good (beep) - I love you all! - Five people are together. - I'm Mike and Reza are friends about you. (screaming) - What also goes to run you in Canyon and tries to pretend that she's not breathing in pure dog shape. - Ah says, so Ah says new project this season is that she's a fashion designer now. - She's basically designing Kyle clothes. - She is. - I love this. - This will be the one thing that's successful of her. - White people wear moo moo's. Pushing people wear us a, (laughing) Moo moo by Asa, it's like the new hottest thing. Like, that's so Persian to do an Asa moo moo. White people that moo moo's Asa has you use. Like, home boy loves a you you. Like, move over yoyos, move over moo moo's. We now have you use. Hey, secretary, could you please get the yellow pages and look up you use? Because that's my best friend and I wanna call and say I love you. I'm gonna totally get that girl la la to model a you you. Get out of my dreams and into my you you am I right? My favorite car growing up was an Azuz you you. (laughing) Stupid. I couldn't even make that sound right. That's so Persian to try to make an Azuzu joke. - This show, I love that MJ of course. It's like, oh look, I'm swallowing a banana while there's like slimy glistening the residue all over my face. Come on. Listen, you can't spell a residue without Reza. Oh, what happened with Gigi? She heard her hand. She's like, oh! Maybe she had it and stab people all the time. Maybe she got into an altercation with another lie detector test giver. She slapped him in the face when he didn't give her the results that she wanted. When she lied and he said you lied. She'll be like, when I try it again. No, it's not how it works. What do you mean it's not how it works? (laughing) - Slap, stupid Gigi. - Oh, stab. Stupid Gigi. - She probably just fell out of bed. Girl, I know so much about her just from having the old Paris scope on every once in a while 'cause she's one of the only people that pops up there and it's all the time with Gigi and her. And I'm not complaining. I say it in complaining voice, but it's little mana from heaven, following all over the poor people to entertain us. - I guarantee this is the season where she is going to be exploiting her rheumatoid arthritis 'cause you know she has that, right? And then so she got like some tattoo over the past year where she was something like arthritis won't keep me down. The tattoo that sort of conveys that message. I don't know what it actually says. It's like no more arthritis or whatever. - I'm so over and I'm getting it tattooed. I'm getting the name of it tattooed on me forever. - Yeah, exactly. Like let all the arthritis know I'm not standing for you anymore. So I wouldn't be surprised if this is the year when she goes Yolanda with arthritis. Although the difference is that I believe, if she has, I believe her arthritis. So that makes sense. I believe her arthritis is real. - Have you ever had too much tequila? It's hard to move your joints when you just have a life of drinking tequila in snort and cocaine, okay? - Yeah, it's hard on the joints. It is very hard on the joints. - There will be something legit about that pain. I'll be like, well, yeah, you shouldn't be able to move your hands. You're lucky you can walk down the damn street, Gigi. - That's what happens when you spend nine months hooking up with Omid, you know? Everything your body just dries up and the cartilage hardens and you just get arthritis. Your body's like (sniffs) all the way, so I think your meat is so hot. - It's like the ultimate STD. You just have sex and then like slowly turn into stone. (laughs) - Well, she must have seen a Medusa somewhere along the way. - I'm glad that Shervin is part of the show. I'm glad that Asa is not, I mean, Asa-fa is not part of the show. Although I think they showed in the trailer, it looked like someone threw cake in her head. - You know, I was gonna say she's there. Someone throws a cake in her head. - She's not about time, but she's not a cast member, which is so good because she was really one of the worst bravo stars. Like, remember last week on the Crappins Mail bag, someone said, "Who should we clear?" I think she should have been clear. - With her weird face husband. - Oh my God, Bobby with the surgery and the hair implants, oh. - Who makes himself look like a garden statue on purpose? Like one of those little garden frog things on people's porches. - Yeah, garden frog. I thought he looked more like a gargoyle. - Oh, he was too smooth out. He's like a pointy piece of stone with a couple of little beady eyes in there. - It's awful. No, I'm bored with the garden frog. - What's that? - It's like a garden frog. - I'm okay with that. I can see. - We'll settle on garden frog. - I'll back off of the gargoyle stance and take on-- - Sir, say we all. - 'Cause Adrian Maluf is already the gargoyle on my mind. Every time I think of her, I always take pictures in front of people's tacky, Beverly Hills homes on that show because-- - See, I feel like she looks like more like a garden frog, honestly, to be fair. - Mm-hmm. - You're ruining my entire oval. - Who's gonna be like the jockey? Like the lawn jockey? - Is there anyone who's a lawn jockey? - Peter. - Just because I would love to see him greeting me every day when I come home. - Holding out his hand with like a little ring. - Welcome home. - Welcome to Peter's home. - I thought you meant Peter. I thought you meant Peter from Vanderbilt Rules. I was like, those lawn jockeys don't have mom haircuts, so. - No. - Who would he be in the garden, Peter? I think he would be the thing holding the lamp. You know, like there's those garden spikes and you spike them into the ground and they, you know, they get rusty and stuff, but they're always there and you can change the lamp and that whole spikes go there holding somebody else up. - I feel like Kristen, Katie, and Stasi would be like a little cluster of pink flamingos like in the corner. They're like, who does that? I can't believe they walked up the walkway. Who does that? - They're each missing like little parts of themselves each week. They, another little part goes missing 'cause they just keep biting each other. - Everyone, they think that they're like so hot 'cause they're three pink flamingos, but they don't realize that everyone in the neighborhood hates them. (laughs) And they're trying to create zoning laws to get them abolished off the lawn. - Someone sent a letter to the homeowners trying to get his throne in the garbage. Who does that? - Who does that? - Who, she would be a bug zapper. She would just be like, oh, oh, oh, oh. - I can't believe these bugs keep flying into me. Oh, yes. - And they would be that water beetle that somehow gets in there and never dies. It's just like one constant stream. (laughs) - Well, what are you doing? It's like don't stand on the light. (laughs) - I'm only on the light because of you. - They're like too many bugs at one point so she catches, she gets like a little bit of a fire. (groans) - Broly, I can't believe I've catch on fire six weeks before I'm on my bug zapper wedding. (groans) - Well, you know, she is like totally half burn on his body because he would stop leaning against the electric (groans) I mean, it's a gross and stuff because I'm like, how come you can't just be like kind of burn? Like, why do you have to be so burn? You can't walk down the aisle. (groans) (laughs) - I just wish he could be his own bug zapper. (laughs) - Lala could be a kerosene candle. - I'm sorry. I'm sorry if you don't like my smell, mosquitoes. I'm sorry, that's just me. (laughs) - I've been trying to fit in, but every time I'm lit, like, nothing will come close to me, not even the bugs. (laughs) - Like, fine, like, you know, it just really taps into this childhood insecurity of this one time when I was invited to a party and then they lit me on fire and then no one wanted to hang out. - Like, just like, maybe burn on the sidewalk waiting for my bomb to get there. (laughs) - To blow me out. (laughs) Even my mom wouldn't let me in the car lit. (laughs) - Who's hard? (groans) - My goodness, and then James is the lawn sprinkler who just pops up and just sprays everyone everywhere. - But it's always like spraying the wall, or as the one that's, like, broken and just, like, draining into the street and you're like-- - And just fix this thing. How's it broken again? How you basic bitch, Tom, to get worried. And everyone's like, "Ew, get away from me." Everyone's like, "Everyone on the sidewalk's like, trying to get away from the spray." They say, "I got the best spray on the entire block." All right, people are asking for more of my spray. They ask for it. - When do you want me to spray you right in the face, darling? When do you want me to spray your babe? (laughs) Take a good look at my spray. It's the last time I get it before I go back into the ground, darling. - The sprinkler would just be lugees on doors. Just be like, "I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do." - It would just be one of those broken sprinklers that's basically just like an arc of water going into the street. Take a good look at your basic bitch. - It's like that's a run over fire hydrant. (laughs) - Leaking, he's like, "I'm leaking into the street." It's in my song, more like screaming silently as he leaks into the street. (laughs) And then someone's just, Brittany's just like a pinwheel. She's just a pinwheel in the wall. Like, "I love the braise." Jack's like upgrades her to a bigger pinwheel. - I'm trying to think of something that collects. You know, like how there's that snail on the aquarium that just goes around the aquarium and collects all the garbage that everybody else leaves behind? That would be Brittany, but she'd be like getting it in her boobs. What's like a collecting kind of thing on the front lawn? - Like something that collects, maybe like something that just like goes around and like collects stuff on the lawn. - Maybe it's like one of the, maybe it's just like the hummingbird machine. Not the machine, but the thing-- - Oh yeah, for the hummingbird, it's just pretty red and it just waits for people to come over and suck on it and make them wear something. - Yeah, but then that sort of seems to suggest that Jack's is a hummingbird and that's like too pretty, too pretty for Jack's. - Well, hummingbirds are beautiful-- - No, she is, no, she is-- - They're the roaches at the barn. - No, no, no, no, they're flying roaches. They're everywhere. - She's a bird bath. Okay, she just sits there. - Bird bath yet. - With a whole bunch of stagnant water. Eventually a bird comes around and you look at it like, and theoretically it should be pretty, but really you just know. - It's just a harbor for disease. - Yeah, people shit in it. They throw gross ass, musty ass, rusty coins into it. - Or Britney. - Empty slot darling, just waiting to be cleaned and be forced. - Ariana is like a little, like a gravel pit. I take landscaping very seriously. - She's the gravel driveway when you're driving in. - You're okay, it's opening, you just hear it. (laughing) - Tom Schwartz is just some wind chimes. Sort of pretty, sort of useless. Just getting pushed wherever the wind blows him. - It's always making noise, but it can't tell what song it wants to sing. - Yeah, kind of boring. (laughing) Like it's nice that it's there. It's nice as there, but you're not actually entertained by it. (laughing) You'd rather watch the Bug Zapper. You'd rather see what would happen if the Flamingo got into the Bug Zapper. (laughing) - Lord help us. - Lord help us? - Have we even started yet? - No, we just went on a run. Well, the start off is... (laughing) Who, even before the Flamingo's, we turned it into the cast of Vanderpump rules as envisioned as a lawn ornamentation. - Yeah, a lawn. - We were saying that someone was a lawn frog. - Man, speed up to bottle without lawns. - We need to get lawns, we're dreaming. We're dreaming big on this show, babe. - Well, maybe this is a good time to do The Crap and Smell Bag. (dramatic music) - We just preemptively answer the question. If the cast of Vanderpump rules were lawn ornamentation, what would they be? - We just did it for you. - That is not true. - No. - Oh my God, that wasn't a question. - Like, wow, we did it. Okay, thank you, we'll see you next week. - Yeah, no, Emily Lairard asks, how did you decide on the name Watch For Crap and for the podcast? So... - Boom. - I think I came up with it. I don't want to be in our seat, but I think it did. - You're so good with names. - I seem to remember being in my garage, me in the car in my garage and thinking Watch For Crap is. And I did... - I did it. - Oh my God, this title was born in a garage bin. Jesus Christ. - Probably enough. - Just feet from MJ. (laughing) I was on MJ level. - Oh, the parking garage. I'm picturing you like with your dad tinkering with a motor or something. - Oh, no, no, it was just downstairs. I remember being in my Toyota Camry. But I think that's what it was. And I actually looked up on Gmail. I tried to find the earliest instance of Crapins and it was not announced over email. So we don't have an official documentation. But it was January 9th, 2012, when I sent out an email saying to you and Matt Whitfield, our former co-host, saying, "Hey, what do you guys think about the name? Watch For Crapins?" Ronnie and I are into it. What about you Matt or something like that? - Yeah, I love that name. - Yeah, that's the origin. So, oh, but how did we come up with it? I think it was just at that time, previously I had hosted a web series called Housewife Ho-Down, which is all about the real housewives. And we knew we wanted to, when that was canceled and the three of us had talked about doing a podcast, we knew we wanted to expand it from Beyond Housewives to all of Bravo. And it was just upon, watch what happens, why not watch For Crapins? - Yeah, you're good. You're always good with titles. - Yeah. Megan Bailey wants no Ben Baby. Will you please reenact your reaction to Rinna's free croissant offer for us? Oh, so this is cool. Last week on Watch For Crapins, I had a random soliloquy about how I felt that Lisa Rinna is the type of person who, if you're like waiting with her somewhere, or if you met up with her, she would offer to buy you a snack, like a croissant. And then I said furthermore, I made me like her more to think that she would buy me a croissant. I came up with a fantasy and then I liked her more because of the fantasy. So then Lisa Rinna tweeted at me out of the blue and said, she said something along the lines of, I would love to buy you a free croissant. - Oh. - Which was so nice. Although she has yet to actually follow through Lisa. Lisa Rinna. She probably doesn't listen to this episode 'cause we don't talk about Beverly Hills. But how cool. - This way outside her house and be like, "Member?" Remember you said that thing. I have it on the Twitter. - I know. - You wanna go to right now? Let's do it right now. So first of all, super cool that she listened. I really love that, you know? 'Cause no, we didn't tweet at her. No one tweeted at her to say, "Hey, like, "would you buy Ben and croissant?" She just tweeted at me. So that was really cool. That was the first time she's tweeted at me. And I was like, you know, I felt very special. - First time she tweeted at me. That's such a love story of our time. - I know. (laughs) - She tweeted at me, and then I knew it was meant to be. - I know. ♪ Next time you tweet ♪ ♪ I tweet ♪ ♪ I know, I know, I know, I know, I know ♪ ♪ Next time ♪ Anyway, I was awesome. I felt like super cool. And then I tweeted back at her. I said, "Don't toy with me, Rina. "I want my croissant," or something like that. Like, you're making, like, "I love you," or something. (laughs) "You're making my dreams come true, "but don't toy with me." And she never responded. She didn't even like that. So I don't know what's going on with this croissant situation. - Oh my God. - What's happening in this relationship? - It's already gone downhill. - It started out beautiful and then it ended. - Yeah, I know. But she has, she can redeem herself by getting me that croissant. Like, literally, my dream Ronnie would be if the three of us went out, she got us croissants 'cause I want you to get involved in the croissant action. And then we played Settlers of Catan. Like, how fun would it be to play Settlers of Catan with Lisa Rina? That's what I wanna do. - I just fucked the freeway to your stone center. (laughs) Sorry. - Wow, wow. - Okay, baby. I'm gonna build up the desert. I know the desert doesn't get me anything, but I just love Sunshine, and I just love the heat of the desert. It's just great. I've been around a long time, baby. I've been to Palm Springs a lot, and I love it, baby. So I'm building on the desert. Oh, wow, wow, wow, wow. (laughs) - This isn't the first time I blocked a port. (laughs) Three for one is a great deal, baby. I'm gonna take that port. You know, three for one. Like, I'm always looking for a good deal, okay? I've been around a long time, baby. I've seen a lot of deals, and I know you gotta jump on them when they come around. So I'm taking the three for one port. - I've been around a long time, baby, okay? I was here before the settlers came here. I mean, this place used to be called Lucie Anne. I mean, totally changed it. (laughs) - You know, that robber, you know, I don't trust that robber. No way. You know what that robber, he took half my resources, okay? That's not cool, okay? That's shady. And he's got a problem, he's addicted. It's called addiction. I've seen it. He's addicted to my resources. - I've got bushels of wool for you, okay? I've got bushels of wool, baby, okay? And they're turned into these sweaters, and you can get them on QVC. (laughs) - I'm kidding. I'll do anything for a buck. I'll, I'll, I'll, I will breed sheep. I'll breed sheep and sell it on QVC. I don't care. I'll do anything. - Mm-hmm. - Nicole Eckerd and I used to always chop down trees 'cause we knew one day we could sell it on QVC, and it worked out, baby. - It was so wrong to me to get you this croissant, baby, because I was right next to my daughter who is making toast, and I was like, don't need your toast. (laughs) Save your money. (laughs) - At least I ran out. - So, yeah, so that was really cool. So thanks Lisa for listening, and thanks for at least entertaining the idea of buying me a croissant. - Mm-hmm. - So, oh, Lorraine Andrews. Hi, Lorraine. - Hello. - Ronnie, tell a story about your family. The way you describe your family feels similar to mine. I love my family, and they're a blast. All of my friends wanna be invited to our parties because my aunts, uncles, and cousins are the best, and we party. However, we're pretty dysfunctional, and there is definitely major alcoholism with my family, which no one really talks about. When one person tries to get sober, everyone respects, but would never dream of not drinking themselves, that kind of thing. Wow, I'm realizing this question got dark. Anyway, I'm intrigued because it sounds like your family's similar. Plus, you have the whole being Lebanese thing, and living in Texas. That must have been interesting. This isn't really a question, but I love what you talk about your fans, both of you, actually. Well, I will just say that an alcoholic family is usually a dysfunctional one, and if you're not talking about it, that's good, because the minute you start talking about alcoholism, you have to stop drinking. Don't ever become an alcoholic. Drink enough to where you can still function in life, okay? You guys should still be able to function. If you start saying I'm an alcoholic and you bring that conversation up, then what are you gonna do on Christmas Eve? You're not gonna be face together. F that, I'll never go home again. I love my family for the crazies that we are, and if we don't wanna talk to each other so be it. But tell us to worry about the bowling alley. What was the, do you remember what your first day was like at the bowling alley? My first day, yeah, I was being trained by my hot cousin, Jim, this older, he was in high school, and he taught me how to make the burgers on the grill. Dude, I don't think people said bro then. It wasn't a bro, it's just like cool. Ronnie, I think you really should write a pilot about your family now that like, 'cause there's so many of these interesting characters, they're all intertwined, is a bowling alley. My family will sue my ass. I'm not bowling alley. My family will sue my ass. They'll be like, I was in that? Okay, I want 10%. That's exactly, that should be the funniest stuff in your pilot, like it really should be a pilot. Oh no, I'll get feed. I love my family very much. I don't know, I don't write things about real things. Mostly just making fun of other things, huh? I wonder what it would be called, your family pilot sitcom, sitcom pilot. I don't know. You see it? Like, completely-- I don't know, I don't know. Sky lanes, it would be called Sky lanes because-- Sky lanes. That was the name of the bowling alley. Sky lanes, bowling alley, but it would just be sky lanes. You could call it Leba, Leba, Leba, Leba? No, I don't know. I was trying to come over the public. Did you see that they're coming out with my big fat Greek wedding, too? I did see that. People will remember that there was a part one. I mean, I do, but I'm old. I feel like this strategy of releasing sequels to movies that are 15 years old is not a strong one. How did he land or two? How did that one do? It was a bomb. Yeah, 'cause who knows Zulander part one? I mean, we do, but like these kids don't know. These kids these days. Yeah, they don't know. The adults are downloading that ship for free out of the internet. Yeah. Okay, one more question from the peanut gallery, aka our supporters. By the way, if you wanna contribute to the Patreon, to the Crap is Mailbag, you go to patreon.com/crapons. Watch for Crapons. Marvin Jey. - Oh, Marvin. - Dearest Marvin. - Marvin Jey. - Marvin Jey. Dearest, lovely Marvin Jey. Our super premium subscriber. He asks, "If you were cast members on a new Housewives franchise, what roles would you play and what season would you pick a fight and what would it be over? And more importantly, who would anti-side within the end?" Well, the role that I would play would probably be, I would probably wind up being like Katie from Potomac. I probably would think that I'm like really cool and funny and clever. And then I probably come off like a total asshole. - And-- - I would you put yourself as a cast member. Why would you do a Potomac? - No, no, well, thanks. That's a new, it's a new friend. I'm just saying I would come off like-- - Just so much better than that. - I would come off like Katie. I'm not saying, I wouldn't be in Potomac. We were in a new Housewives franchise. The real Housewives of, you know, of between LaBrayon fairs. - No, I know. I'm just saying like you pick any of the Housewives that you would be like somebody from Potomac? - No, but I'm not saying I want to be like Katie. I'm just saying I would come off like Katie. I probably would try to be like Bethany or someone else who's liked and like, someone who's like liked and funny. I'd probably try to be like-- - You'd be like, you are liked and funny. - Yeah, but being liked and funny on a podcast is different than going on to reality TV. Because I probably try to think I'm doing the same stick and then I would just come off like an asshole like Katie. That's what's, that's what would happen to me. And I think people would accuse me of probably being spoiled and entitled and delusional, all that shit. And then I'd probably get into a fight over something stupid like a yogurt. (laughing) - I'm trying to think of who one of the crazy bitches is that I would be. I'm one of the Housewives that would, I think like I'm totally normal and I'm really smiling and nice. And everyone's like, oh, that's the nice one. And then suddenly I get mad and I'm like (growls) or, you know, I have a glass of wine or whatever. And then I just, my real tongue comes out. Like who? - Maybe it'd be like Derinda. - Derinda, well Derinda, I think I have more of an evil slant than Derinda. Derinda can be belligerent, but my tongue hurts more, you know? And I just think it's fun. I don't know that I'm being hurtful, but I can keep the leash on. But man, after a couple of drinks, forget it. - Maybe it'd be Nini. (laughing) - Yes, more like that. Like a Derinda Nini hybrid with no hair. (laughing) - You better back the fuck up, bloop. (laughing) - All right, here's the business guys. Nobody has a chocolate martini. You know, like who doesn't want a chocolate martini? 20 minutes every day. Like do you think about every day? - Like that's your business? A chocolate martini? - Close for about that already been out for years. - Close your legs to married men, bloop. (laughing) You better back the fuck off your legs to married men. Mr. Jetson, close your legs to Jetson, bitch. - A very, very rich. - A very rich. - My red balloon is very rich, bitch. (singing in foreign language) - Bye, bye, chaos crayon. Bye, chaos crayon. That was a bi, that was a bi awake reference. That didn't work. (laughing) That was. (laughing) Fix your red balloon. Fix your red balloon. (laughing) - That wrap it up for the mail, big. - Yes, please. I think that's it. I am like in a crazy place today. - I don't know. (beeping) - I'm like not making it. (dramatic music) I'm not making any sense today. I apologize, listeners, I apologize. I am like not making sense. I'm barely following the conversation. You know, it's just gonna be one of those podcasts. - I like it. I like that we're both giggling our heads off, but in a stoner kind of a way. We're like, "Yeah, man." - I feel like it feels like it's two in the morning, but it's two in the afternoon. - I know. I feel like I'm saying things that don't make sense. I just hope it's okay for the listener. I feel bad if people are listening to this for two hours and they're like, "No, it's gonna get funny soon. "I don't want that." (laughing) - Oh man. - I don't want that. You know what it makes me feel, what it makes me feel like? It makes me feel like. - Me and Ms. Shield of Daffodil has it, honey. - Me and Ms. Shield of Daffodil has it, honey. - They really time these shows well from the time they go off the air until they come back again, because they're already Ms. Quad, and she was an absolute horror show this year. - Can I miss her? - I know, I miss her. You know who else I miss? - Riley. - Oh, Candy was full on weave, patent disapproval tonight. - Yeah, so you lead the way with Atlanta 'cause I didn't take notes, but I will respond. - Okay, well, you know it's a bad sign for the episode when the beginning voiceover is Cynthia, that says-- - Oh God. - Previously on The Real Housewives, I was like, "Oh no, not a good sign." We open with Todd Candy in Crazy Ass, grumpy-faced Mama Joyce, going to Mary to Medicine's own, Dr. Jackie. - Dr. Jackie, I like Dr. Jackie's dress, by the way. - I do too. - I really like her slim 50s thing that she's on. She's like, "It's like the 50s, but I'm in shape." - Yeah. - It doesn't, it looks weird. - Yeah. - You know, not being on a curvier body. Anyway. - Fit, pretty dress like it. - Fit, fit, fit, fit is the new, it 50s. - Fit is the new 50s. - 50s, fit is the new 50s. - Fit is the new, the 50s are now fit, which is in. (both laughing) - Well done, Cynthia. - Well done, Cynthia. - Or fit, and therefore it. She's like, "I'll just slowly drop off letters from 50s "so we get it." - I can't make the 50s healthier, but I can't make 50-year-olds healthier. - 50s are the new teas, fit. - Fit for the new teas. - So, Candy and Todd are having a boy. I just wrote, "Man, who cares?" Todd, then they were making Todd short jokes. - Todd's like, "I'm maybe gonna be short." Todd's like, "I'm not sure." Look, I'm like at least six-one. I'm not short at all. - Mama Joyce is like, "You are tiny, Todd! "What are you talking about?" - But my hair's at least coffee tall. - So they gotta check up on the baby. By the way, Todd is still wearing his quilted northern shirt. It makes me crazy with you, I'm not sure. It looks like a paper towel. - But it's so absorbent. It's gonna be the best thing the baby ever sped up on. - So the baby's healthy, he stayed one inch long, so, you know, it's a tucker. The doc says, "I don't suggest." Oh, she's like, "You guys should be having sex, "but I don't suggest man on top." And then Joyce's face. - They started talking about sex, and Joyce's face turned into, like, a stripper just beat her in the face with a 20-inch dick. - Yeah. - Face. She looked mad. - It was flashbacks season three with Ridiculous. Then led to flashbacks of season two, when she took the sexy photo shoot in the lingerie. - Yes, yeah. - I was like, "Stop the flashbacks too much. "Let's go back to Ridiculous, back to Ridiculous." - But I love that crazy mama Joyce. Like, when they pretend that they're so nice, she's just laughing it up with Todd, and they're pretending they're all close now. She's just like, "Be nice to me, I'll twit up." (laughs) - Peace! - Stop yelling at me! They decide to name the baby Ace. Ace Wells Tucker. - Yeah. Named after the hotel, of course. (laughs) See, nah, this is a good hotel. So, we're gonna name after the hotel. Is it the Ace or Holiday? So, with the Ace. Ace Wells Tucker. Just in case she divorces him and marries someone named Fargo. You know, Candy has a good, long-term plan. - She names her kids after corporations, okay? One, so, he's named after a hotel and a bank, and then her daughter's named after an auto parts man. (laughs) Oh, oh, oh, O'Reilly! (laughs) - O'Reilly! (grunts) - O'Reilly, O'Reilly! - My son is going to be named... Wells Fargo. - The Staples Center. - Do they have, by the way-- - I'd like to present my son, Staples Center, if I go back. - By the way, is O'Reilly, is that a nation-wide brand? Do people know what we're talking about? - Oh, oh, oh, O'Reilly! - Yeah, I think so. - I think so, I think so. - I mean, auto parts. I just go to auto-zone! - I believe, like, getting the attitude from the old ladies at work there. They just look at me like you, stupid little faggito burrito. You don't even know what this fuse goes to, idiot. - Do you know I bought a NASCAR board game this weekend? I actually bought it during our last podcast. When we were podcasting, at one point, I impulsively purchased a board game-- - Oh, bear use, sir. - During the podcast, it was NASCAR themed. This is what my life is. - Just this. - So, it gave me a lot of excuses to go, "Oh, oh, oh, O'Reilly!" (laughs) And Ken, diverse voice. - So, back to our wonderful, hardworking, always being a mom-mother-tuty, who's telling her nanny what to do. I'm loving that we're seeing more of Kim Fields's fake ass parenting thing, where she always has to be near her nanny. - Yeah. Well, this isn't this one Kim feels she's, like, working outside, right? So, this is what cracked me up. She's outside on her laptop, working on the latest cut of this video. In the background she has, it looks like it's like a little award, like maybe like an award for winning, like a directing award, like a small thing, not like a DGA award. I could be wrong, but it looks like she had like a little trophy out there. - It's like a publisher's clearing house. - But I was like, you-- - Thank you for being a member for 80 years. - But I was just like, there's no way that you keep that trophy out on your porch. You brought that out. That way it could be in the background while you're being a director. I was like, "Kim Fields, I had been standing up for you "all season long, "even when you've been past the rest of the bitches." But this is ridiculous. - Stop, I like that you noticed the award. I noticed it was very style too because of the Hobby Lobby curved twigs, right painted white that were in the corner of her thing. I just saw those at the Hobby Lobby. You know those, like when people put a bunch of sticks in a pot, they're like, "It's my plan." But these are like kind of foam sticks are made out of something else and they're curly. I'm like, "Girl, please don't." Oh, not Hobby Lobby, Michaels. - Michael, please tell me you did not just go to Michaels before this scene. What are you trying to convey here? No one's gonna believe you know how to use a glue gun. Give it up, lady. Make your babysitter do it. - Yeah. Well, either way. - Yeah, so she was out on her porch working on the latest cut of the commercial. - There are so many projects I've yet to be a part of. That was one of her quotes. Oh, wow. - Oh, art, her manager calls her on the old webcam. - Please don't. - Do it again? - Producers. - No, I was going on to Kim Fields' bio page and guess what happened? Autoplay, Lisa Welchl. Lisa Welchl, okay. I don't wanna hear what you have to say Lisa Welchl. Even though I really like you on the Survivor. I was trying to look up to see if I could find her award. - She has the total victimy out now. I guess she did is Blair too, but I watched you on Survivor, lady. - So they're talking to art. Kim is talking to her manager, art on the old FaceTime or whatever. Don't make art go on the FaceCon. It's like below him. He's to the side. He looks like he just wants to escape this poor thing. He's like, "Hey, hey, yeah." - I mean, it's great to be your manager and your best friend. Go ahead and just tell me all your problems, Kim. - I know. He was basically like the baby in the beginning of Roger Rabbit. Okay, like chomping a cigar. - Hey, tuts, slapping women's asses. - Kind of, but he had to, not really. - They're actually friends. - She's like, "These women are being mean to me, art, "and I'm just above it, art. "Don't they know who I am?" He's like, "I'll tell you what, kid. "These ladies should have some respect for you." Like, you know, what's a womanhood relationship without some respect amongst the ladies? Am I right? I'm like, "Shut up, stop making art talk." - Yeah. He's like, "Well, you know, just 'cause you don't get along "with Kenya, if there's a man you can't work with herbs, "and a lot of people don't get along." And she's like, "No, this level of disrespect is..." I'm like, "Art, what sort of manager are you "that you're trying to encourage her to work "for Kenya more?" I mean, that's, she should be fired just for that. - You know that your manager does not have your best interest in art when he says Kenya more in a work-related sentence. - Yes, exactly. - Okay, yeah, so she really does go on forever. And then she goes, "I take my reputation very seriously art." And I was like, "You got Michael's twisty twigs "and fake flyers on the table front of you. "Please be quiet." - Yeah, I think you can no longer talk about taking your reputation seriously when you sign the dotted line that says, "Yes, I will be a real housewife." (laughs) That's when your reputation goes out the window. - When she said, "Goodbye, art." I thought, "Yeah, you sure did say that the second you went "to film that, "mercial." - That is exactly right. - "By art." - So now, Phaedra and her new paid friend, her attorney. - Oh, come on. Her attorney breaks up from the horrible Jewish attorney. When she comes over, it's just like, you know, somehow like, you know that this woman clearly had another career as like a bit player on Willow, right? You know, like, this is what she was, okay? And now she like somehow like after like the Willow checks start coming through, she's like, "Yeah, I guess I better become a divorce attorney." She's like, "Phaedra, it's so good to see you. "A colony, our house is hanging these papers "over at the holiday time." - Phaedra brought him an aura. - I like that Phaedra's like, "I am at an international "house of prayer." You know, for Muslims, the Buddhists, the Jews, you know, past the menorah. I'm like, "It's not a dish." - I love me. (laughs) - It's not like something you can dip a cracker into, okay? You just put it up somewhere, past the menorah. But I loved it. I like that she said past the menorah actually, as much as I'm making fun of her. I was like, "Yay, Jewish presence, my people." - There's a Jew on Atlanta. - Yeah. - Woo hoo, we did something. - I like that Phaedra is making, you know, Phaedra just has that way about "Phaedra," they say. Just making everybody like, "I miss you so much. "Why don't we see each other more, whatever?" And nothing says, "You're my best friend forever." When you see her at the dining room table with a plate full of your terrible decorations and no food or water or drink, she's like, "Have a seat." And it's like this big purple satin-apkin thing shoved in your face wrapped in gold bands and stuff. Phaedra. - I'm sorry, I'm not the only person noticing the dishware. Hold this up. - Listen, we all noticed different things. This was a scene where basically Phaedra was talking about visiting Apollo and his new jail up in Fort Dix. - Yeah, that's why. She'll finally go to jail 'cause now it's called Dix. So this then Ronnie is like, her name's Ronnie, I think. And she's like, "Well, you know the weather. "The weather can make it very difficult, so I don't know. "There are a lot of obstacles to get through "when you go to this particular jail. "There's bars and there's a road "that you have to go through with a gate. "And, you know, what if the weather's bad? "Like, there's so many things that can go wrong though." - You have to gasoline in your car. Like, if you don't have gas in your car, your car's not gonna be able to drive all the way to the jail. So that's the thing you have to think about. - Sometimes the weather's extreme. You might have to maybe learn, you know, heater. There's gotta be heater, maybe. - Or something for you? - You, that you'll have to be fully clothed. So it's important that that morning you put on clothes. She go to the jail. - You don't live there, so I guess maybe you would have to go to a hotel room. I mean, it's gonna be hard. It's gonna be really hard. - It's gonna be hard, you know, you don't need a passport per se to go to New Jersey, but you will need to have some sort of form of identification. (laughing) - This was killing me because she's like, "Oh yeah, this is a totally child friendly prison." - Uh-huh, this is, Phaedra stages everything in such a weird way, and I'm always trying to read what she's really saying, but I was dying through this, and I know it's terrible to die, but she's like, "Well, yes, I didn't want to go to the other prison, but this one, I mean, this one's child friendly. It's gonna be great for them." - And then she says, "How are you gonna tell the kids that you're going to prison?" Because one of them doesn't know his dad, really. He was too young, and Aiden is still little, so he doesn't remember that well. She's like, "So how are you gonna tell them that they're going to prison?" She's like, "I'm not gonna tell them anything." - Like surprise. - Surprise, we're going to a prison. - It's your dad, it's a child friendly prison though. - So it's really a bouncy castle. That's not bouncy at all. It's very stiff and it's bars. - Yes, that man is scary. Just color the menu that was put at the table, okay? Here's a little thing to crayons. Child friendly prison. Okay, go play on that beautiful McDonald's playground out there. Child friendly prison. - Yeah, enjoy the seesaw out in the prison yard. Don't just ignore the white supremacists in the corner. - If someone has you candy, eat it. It's a child friendly prison. There's a ball pit. - Oh God, speaking of ball pits, let's move over to Kenya's house. - Oh yeah, the new house under construction. - So she's pretending this thing with Matt is a real thing. Sorry, I'm not buying this at all, are you? - I don't know. I kind of am oddly enough. You know, I'm a romantic. You know, I think the idea of someone getting, I think the idea of an older woman snagging, like a big hot muscular dude is, I think that's a lovely, that's a lovely drama. - Well, I do too, but this is not a woman or a human being we're talking about. This is a solace, depth, you know, this is a crazy sociop, not even crazy, a cold cat. This is Robin Penn in House of Cards on a really stupid level, any more. - I was gonna say it's the lady from V. - Oh my God, always great. - You're just gonna peel off her skin at one point and she'll kill her. - I love her. - She had a lot of crying scenes in that showtime show about terrorism. She was the wife of the army guy. - Marenica Bakkerin, I was talking about the original V. The one who- - Oh, both good, in both V's. - Listen. - Yeah, what was her name? - Diana something. - Okay. - It's not trying to rig, that would be funny though. - So the- - Yes, that would be. - So, over at Kenya's house, nothing is done and she's walking through with Aunt Lori. - Jane Butler. - Her character name was Diana, but her name was Jane Badler. That was the name of the actress. - Oh, okay. - Right on. - And she was in Kenya's walls, just kidding. That's where she's living now. - That's exactly. - She's like, "I would build walls here, but I've got this actress in there to be." She's like, "So, I've been in Hollywood a long time." Okay. - I've been taking acting classes from Jane Badler. She was in a mini series called V. - I've got her tied up in the almost finished bathroom. Want to meet her? (laughing) - I keep her around 'cause she eats all the mice. - Oh, I love that when they would just swing those jaws open and swallow the mice whole. - That was so scary. - I know, I was scared of, when I was a kid, I was scared to death of me and my brother would always watch my brother loved it. I just remember walking into the room and Jane Badler herself had a martini glass full of little mice. I was like, "Eww." Yeah, so Kenya's house still makes sense. - Yeah, it still makes sense. - We're still probably-- - Kenya's not quite as charming as Jane Badler, but she's close. - The mice won't even get in the glass for her. - They're like running away. She's the beat that controls nothing. - So Kenya's walking through this house, right? - To be that controls, nothing. I like it. She's a powerless alien that's been shunned by Jane Badler on all the other lizard people. She's like, "Oh, well, you know, things got really bad when she tried to kick Jane Badler out of a chair." - We don't stand for that here with the lizard people. - Oh my God, so Kenya's full of shit walking through like, "Look, it's almost done. All we need to do is just the finishing stuff." You know, maybe the electrical, the water, the tiling on the floor. You know, textiles, walls. - Yeah, walls, frames. Matt's like, "Yeah, maybe..." I tried to do my Matt voice, but it's like, my voice is so messed up right now. He's like, "Yeah, I can't do it. I can't, I'm sorry." I try to get like all deep and raspy, like, "Yeah, but my voice is not true, yeah." - "Just, just a little bit of the way what you want me to do, 'cause, you know, I should be here for you." - Yeah, maybe there's a parking spot for me right now. I don't know, yeah, I can't. My voice is, there's some days like my voice can do it, but it's not happening today. Sorry, sorry everyone. I know you were waiting for my Matt impersonation. So I'm sorry and spoiler alert, it's not coming back for the fondue scene. - Oh, my good fondue. - Something Kenya will never make because she doesn't have electricity in her goddamn house after a year building it. - I will say this about Kenya's house. When they showed her master bedroom, once that's done, that's gonna be a beautiful master. - Oh, you're so positive. - But I like that you said once and not if. - Oh, no, but it's a corner with the glass and you see all those trees. I think it looks beautiful. - Kenya tells this relationship story to Aunt Laurie who's there in this like Miss Havisham hat. I'm like this weird hat and this. - How dare you selling Miss Havisham that way? - Well, I mean, what was that? She was this weird like lady from the 1800s. - She's off to Ascot, yeah. - And they were talking about the relationship and stuff and Kenya's telling her this story that she knows that she's falling in love because she's like, we've written this awful fight and it was all my fault. And then he left furious, but then he came back and said, you shouldn't have to be alone with this. You shouldn't have everyone else will leave you alone, but I won't. It's like, yeah, finally, Kenya, you found somebody crazy enough to just keep coming back to you while you're figuring out. - I thought that was sweet. I was like, oh, I liked it. I liked that story. - What's his angle? That ain't romance. This is real housewives of Atlanta. What's that fool doing? - Fame, why not? She gets a baby out of it. He gets to be famous, why not? - Okay, I mean, congratulations to you. - Listen, if everyone else does it, why can't they? Why can't she use her fame to get a like a young hot stud? - Yeah, I don't mind that she's using it to get a hot stud. I mind that he's using hers, you know? Like, makes me grossed out for him. I mean, although this is Kenya, I mean, what are we next? Okay, next scene, poor shed, dogs, poop. Sister comes over in time to clean it up. (laughing) - Yeah. - She's like, it's like, it's having too dark. It's totally not raising two children. - I'm like, no, it's not. No, it's not stupid. - No, not at all, not at all. - So whatever, she's gonna have a photo shoot. - Yeah, I mean, this is, talk about a trope as old as, tale as old as time, Beauty and the Beast. This is the photo shoot, the real housewives photo shoot. There's something that women love more on the show than getting their vagina shaved and having a fashion show. It's just doing a photo shoot. - I'm loving her creative director, Johnny. They call him Ema. He's saying, so is this for big booties or little booties? Because if it's gonna be little booties, you need to have little models and you need to decide on how fat these bitches are gonna be basically. And then Porsus like, yeah, I wanted to be every side, but it's not his semen. (laughing) - I'm like, what? - She's like, yeah, semen, like sperm, but no, not sperm, like stones. - Well, the funny thing is, you know, like, I mean, it was wrong on so many levels because obviously the phrase is, and it's not written in stone, but then she's like, but she wants to say it's not written in cement, which is like a bastardization of the phrase, which is funny enough. But then that she called cement, semen. It's also funny. And then she's like, wait, that's not right. And then the reason why she thought it, she's like, it's not right. No, written in concrete. I was like, she realized that semen is the wrong way to say cement. (laughing) - Johnny goes, you all got the brains of a paper cup. (laughing) (laughing) - Instant regular. - Cynthia and Kim Kim's office. - Peter probably like busts in and is like, what? - Someone's got paper cups? We got a refill of Peter's brew. (laughing) - I heard you got a brain like a paper cup. Can I put a sticker with my face on it? Is it a small paper cup? Can I put a little comic strip around it? - The Adventures and Peter, Peter's brew, Peter's brew. Coming soon to a paper cup near you. - I'm just right. - I just wrote down Kim's fur headband, fur vest, Jesus, Hobby Lobby sale, get out of Hobby Lobby. What is wrong with her? Everything in this episode, she's got fucking glue gunned or pinned to her somehow. - Yeah. - Damn Kim. - Kim. - Okay, so they get to the commercial. They show Cynthia the commercial and this is the tagline of Cynthia Bailey's line. Cynthia Bailey, I wear is enhancing the faces of men and women, one face at a time. So awful, enhancing faces. That does not make me want to buy something I wear. - At least you're not blind. I mean, they're done. I've already beat you. - It's such a terrible, such a terrible tagline, enhancing faces. And then on top of that, so Kim Fields does like, she has, she does like the audio just to have it there, I forget what they call it. And then she's like, okay, I'll record an actual track. So then she records it on her iPhones. I'm like, oh, this is really professional. And then she's like, but you know what, Cynthia, I think you should do the voiceover. I'm like, why would you have Cynthia do the voiceover for her own commercial? She does not have a voiceover voice. - Well, but she's obviously trying to, 'cause she's like, Kim, I'd love to hear you do it. And Kim does it. And she's like, you know, I think you're very talented, but here's how I want it to sound. - Cynthia Bailey, I wear, will enhance your face and your husband's face. Just enhance your face. She's like, oh, there you go. You should do it. She's like, really me, me, meanwhile, where is this commercial going to air? Is it gonna be like 2 a.m. - The middle of the night between cassette tape sales on the old Kelly? - Yeah, exactly. So we saw some clips of the commercial. You know, not promising, not promising. I hated, it starts off like black and white and then she puts the sunglasses on and it like goes right into color. It was literally like a mattress commercial and not a Casper mattress, like a crap mattress. Reminds me, when I went to college in New Hampshire, the local commercials up in New Hampshire were so awful. I mean, it was all like Star Wipes. There was this lawyer who had just like endless numbers of commercials, Charlie's something and other. Oh my goodness, this is what these, those commercials actually look like they were made by Gray Worldwide compared to this Cynthia Bailey commercial. But did they have really long tag lines that confused you enough to repeat them in your own mind? - Cynthia Bailey, I wear, enhancing the face, one face at a time, including those that are unenhanced and those that have already been enhanced and will continue to be further enhanced. - And just while they're keeping this fantastic scene going, Cynthia says, - So I just wanted to say, I know that, you know, and Jamaica, when we said your husband was gay, that wasn't cool, that wasn't cool. So did you talk to him about it? - And he was like, yeah, of course we talked about it. We left our asses off because that's what you do with your gay husband, okay? You don't go home and cry, you laugh about people. - We just like laughed and laughed and laughed, although I really wasn't sure if he was laughing at the story or it was just that part of, you know, the lives of an helicopter where she cracks all those jokes. I don't know, it was like we were watching that too. So it's hard to say. - Barron came out on a blog this week, defending his, you know, going against the housewives or whatever for all of this gay stuff. - Yeah, it's good for him. - And he goes on and on and on and he's like, and it's nothing. It's like a lot of actory nothing. He's, they're like, so can you called you gay on national TV multiple times and then brought it up again? Blah, blah, blah, what do you think? And he's like, well, it wouldn't be up to me to speak to the person who did something like that to me because that's not my nature. And when people have negative things to say and they're negative people, it's not my nature to say that's in my nature that I would respond to that because responding to that is not my nature. You know what I mean? Because I'm an artist who responds to things that are in nature, but not that because it's not my nature that I would respond. - I'm like, what are you even talking about crazy? - Stop tab dancing over your own damn tongue. Just say I'm not gay so we can all move on with our day. - Yeah, exactly, whatever, whatever. I'm on his side. - Well, me too, I mean, it's against Kenya. I'm on the house's side, crushed the beige. That's the only way Wizard of Oz even happens. - These are last hope before the lizard people come. (laughing) - And then my seeding ways. - Candy and Phaedra. Okay, so their, Phaedra comes over to Candies, dressed like she just shot Gonzo's entire family. - And skinned them herself. - What the fuck? - It was definitely Freigle Rock Chic, if I may mix them up in metaphor. - It's Freigle Chic. Jim Henson let this podcast be. - Yeah, she's like, ooh child, I've just been digging down in their caves. (laughing) And Candy's like, hmm, seep, hmm, seep. - Now Freigle Rock, down to Freigle Rock. - We love that little Freigle rock. - Patty, come down to Freigle. Freigle and Phaedra's here from Freigle. - Speaking of Freigle rocks, I brought you some nipple cream. She gives Candy the gift of nipple cream in Candy's like, and she starts doing her uncomfortable, one finger scratch in the middle of her weave and padding in at the same time. - I'm loving that she's doing it. 'Cause now she does it every time she gets uncomfortable, laugh and laugh. But she's like, I tried that with rhyming. (mumbles) - So they gossip about how Nimi came back and now she is friends with Siregan and how Cynthia betrayed Kenya by saying she hardly knew her. And Candy is weave-patting, going crazy. - Sirely rock, the one-trapper, don't need a trapper. - We get a flashback of Sire and Nimi fights. - Yo, that was so wonderful. - I got my, I am very rich, man. - Oh, you're rich, fix your face. Have a, you got tea, you got tea, you got tea, you got tea, you got tea, you got tea, you got tea, you got tea, you got tea. (laughing) - And then Nimi was like-- - I got Trump money, honey. - Oh, that was funny. You know, the producers, that made me laugh out loud 'cause you know, the producers are so funny. Whenever they do flashbacks on any Bravo show, you know, that's when the producers love, that's when they shine because they like to make them look like assholes, they like to bust them in their lives, et cetera, et cetera. And basically, Nimi when, you know, had spent the past few seasons bragging about how she's got, she's like Donald Trump rich, she's like, you know, with Donald Trump, Donald Trump, Donald Trump. And now that Donald Trump is like, public enemy number one amongst, you know, non-racist. (laughing) Now that they, they pull out Nimi bragging about her association with Donald Trump, you know they do that on purpose. - Oh, Tony-- - Just to make it look like a big razzle. - Someone in, Potomac said it, Siree said, was, we'll get to you later, but Siree's like, Siree's is like, what are you, Donald Trump? Because she said, I fired everybody. She's like, okay, Donald Trump. Yeah. - Wow, Trump is having a great night on NBC. - What does it all mean? - Yeah, exactly. - So I thought that was very funny. That was definitely some quiet editorial commentary on Nimi leaks right there, quiet. - As quiet as they get on, Real Housewives of Atlanta, screaming strongly should say. - Yeah. - Yeah. - So they start talking about Phaedra and Phaedra's like, my family has really pulled together. And Candy's like, we've packed, we've packed, scratch, scratch, scratch. - Coming on a ballo? (laughs) - I can not talk like her. - Oh, no, family hurt. (laughs) - So, Portia Cynthia's shoot. This is so stupid. They take three hours to get on their makeup, which, I mean, I can kind of see why. - I want to say also, 'cause I'm being sort of nice this episode. I love Portia's hair during this photo shoot. - Portia's hair always looks pretty good. - I know, but it was a little shorter, and it just looked great. It was like shorter, but didn't make her look older. You know, I like it. - Yeah, I like her. She's so pretty. - She's so pretty. - Feels weird being nice. - She is, you know, it's gorgeous. - A place with that. - She's so ridiculous, she's so over the top. She can be totally ratchet, and she is not that smart, but she seems like the most fun to hang out with. - I love, yeah, I think so too. She's so funny on this show. I love looking at her. - She's hilarious. - I was like, I guess we got an answer, because he was like, you need to decide between skinny women and big women. They're camping in between, and then, but they show Portia in her lingerie, and I'm like, that ass is all I wrote down. I was like, damn! And she's decided it's gonna be an everyday woman, and then they show people in the lingerie, and there's like giant nipple pasties. There's a lot of knit happening in today's episode. - There was a lot. And you know, this was the first time, I think that we saw Portia look semi-professional. Because during the photo shoot, you know, it was like the standard photo shoot stuff, but they lost daylight. - We're just in daylight, we're just in daylight. - So they shot Cynthia Bailey inside. And it's cool, because you saw Portia actually watching and fixing things and saying what she wanted. Well, I'm not saying she's a little way of professional, just semi-professional. And considering that in every other professional area that she's tried to express herself, she just looked like an idiot. And that is the first time she looked semi-competent. - Oh, except that she was three hours late to her own shoot. (laughs) - Well. - Because she didn't have her makeup ready. - It was not true. - And also, who needs lingerie pictures outside in the middle of the day? That is so weird to me. They're like, we lost the daylight. Like it looks like you're shooting at someone's house pool in the middle of the afternoon. It's a fucking lingerie commercial. What the hell? - I know. I did also, but I did appreciate Cynthia Bailey, because as much, I mean, we should on Cynthia left and right, but seeing her actually like in doing what she does, modeling, it's like, she's good. - Oh, Cynthia, see. - I am like really, I'm like so complimented to these women today. I'm like, and here's another thing that I like about Kenya. She's just so outspoken. - We got from her. - You're loving too much. - I'm loving too much. Too much fun to, you've gone too far in the brain evolution. - Hmm, come back, come back, come back. - I know, I'm sorry, everyone. - Oh, I'm just, I'm just feeling nice. I'm feeling lovely today. - Any ideas for inside? So Cynthia, I'm gonna have you walk down the hallway and here, make some rose petals on the ground. - Yeah, well, I know. Is she a flower girl or some strippers wedding? What the hell is happening? - I love that they tried to like frame this as if it was a crisis. It's like, oh no, we lost daylight. We lost daylight, everyone. It's like, okay, here's what we're gonna do instead. Instead of shooting outside, we're gonna shoot inside. Oh my God, whoa. - Thankfully, you haven't tastefully lit your hallway yet, so it looks like the outside, so it's like, this will work. - Wow, that's an amazing fix. I did not see it coming. I thought once that light went down, it was over. - Someone, somewhere, someday made a light bulb. And to whoever the hell that was, thank you. - Love, the real housewives of Atlanta. - Somewhere in England, McGauley is watching, and she's saying, whoa, whoa, Porsche, whoa, whoa. - Phaedra goes to the jail, who cares. Kenya's date. Kenya is still on this weird fake relationship. This is why it's so fake to me. She's like, what do you think about kids? Have you ever been engaged? I'm like, Kenya, you found that out 10 minutes into this relationship. Who do you think you're fooling? - Well, he is in a great position, because he can say, yeah, I want kids. I want kids, yeah, sooner the better, sooner the better, 'cause he knows, ain't no kids coming out of it. - Kenya, I don't, I'm sorry to be mean to her being, like, 45, and like, a very low chance of pregnancy. - I don't think even if she still had working viable, whatever parts, like, I think that even if she was, like, still in complete working order, I don't think her personality would let the baby come out. I think she, like, her vagina would strangle the baby on the way out. Like, she is not gonna let somebody get more attention than her. (laughs) - I think it's just that, like, he knows that the chances of him getting her pregnant are so low, that he's just like, yeah, I can say it, yeah, oh, yeah, I want a baby so badly, so anyway, can I move in? - Yeah, pretty much. - It'll be great to take the baby from my own parking space to wherever, you know, that would be great. Like, whip, whip, whip, whip. - Yeah, you know, he gets on licking his, well, that's the thing, he keeps cracking these jokes and then, like, licking somebody say, and he goes, (laughs) - I'm thinking her fake little girl, boys, she's saying. - Oh, baby, you wouldn't mind being, I'm like, shut up, who are you? Stop talking like that, so crazy. - Yeah, so yeah, they had fun, too. Like, I got hungry, what else is it? - So, Phaedra takes the kids and her mom, she's like, "Mom, what are you doing?" She's like, "Oh, just sitting here reading Psalms." (laughs) - Her kids are so cute, so cute. - I thought it was very fitting that Phaedra is running this family, just like she always wants to be, and she's got her two little boys dressed like nutcrackers. - Yeah, how fitting is that? (laughs) - Yes. - Raising them right, girl, raising them right. - Yeah. - So, they go to jail and they try and make it this jude ice thing where they're like, "The prison would not let us in during shooting." But Phaedra went in at 5.18 a.m. - Yeah, I know, two and a half hours later, the kids come out like, "Yeah, it was cool, it was nice." Well, there were so many kids, friendly people in that prison. - I was so glad they had one of those toys where you take the block and move it along in the middle of the fire, so you forget the other part. It's like a little block roller coaster. That was really kid friendly. - This fun guy told me to put my head up to the glass, and I did, and then he kept beating the glass. It was so funny, oh, my head hurt. - It was so nice, all the shivs there have my little pony on them. - Did you know you could make a knife out of a toothbrush? (laughs) So, they can live in Phaedra the queen of understatement. She's like, "Well, when I brought up the divorce to Apollo, "he said that he didn't want one, "but I'm ready to get on with my life." I'm like, okay, so basically you've left Apollo screaming in the lobby of the prison, like, "Are you not leaving me? "You are not leaving!" So, "Well, you know, we had a nice talk, "and that was lovely, now we're going home." - Yeah, she's like, "Well, kids, "I hope you enjoyed seeing your father in jail. "We're never coming back." I just did it so that way people would stop telling me to bring you to the jail. - The kids are like, "Yeah, I'm candy, that was fun." He's like, "Phaedra, come back here!" And that ends the real house was of Atlanta. - And that was the end of Atlanta. Moving on, let's discuss top chef. The latest episode was the last one before the finale episodes. For the two-part finale, in which a winner will be furnished $150,000 by... Who's talking out there, Ben? - It's probably Padma herself. - Yeah, it's like, "How dare you?" - I need to get to my dear friend Wolfgang Puck's restaurant for lunch 'cause Gail Simmons is rather hungry and I don't want her to wait any longer. - Darling, I don't know how you waste so much time being on a high up floor and not throwing bricks out the window at fucking car alarms. - I don't know why car alarms are even still a thing. - How is that even legal? - Yeah. - I will brick that thing myself. I feel like scooting right up there. I'm a damn mile away. I'm gonna come up and brick that fucker. - I mean, the car alarm sounds like it's getting closer, but it is, I'm looking at it right now. There's a woman- - The new ice cream truck. - There's a woman in the car, she's so stupid. - She stole that shit. - I'm looking at it right now. She's in the car without the alarms moving off and she's not doing anything to try to turn it off. She's rummaging through her bag 'cause I can see right down her windshield. - Hmm. - And she's running the thing, she's, and now she's getting out of her car. She's got a denim vest with little flower things on it. It's like very macrame blossoms, 1991. It's a pariwinkle. - She's looking at something in her hand. She just closed, okay, she's confused. Now she's talking to a homeless guy. This homeless guy's wandering over to her to basically be like, "Hey, here's how to fix it." Now she's shooting him away. Oh, she finally fixed it. Thank God, stupid lady. - God, the homeless guy did it. I credit the homeless guy. - Yeah, the homeless guy was like, "Listen, hit the thing on your key chain, you stupid." - I'm gonna spend the rest of this day giving dollars to nobody, just to celebrate. - I really wish you could see her outfit. There is like a denim macrame flower vest with some black trousers. - So she's basically a walking car alarm. - She is, the car alarm is like, "Get away from me." You're ruining my resale value. I'm just shooting. - This week on Top Chef, we learned that the bro chef, Jeremy, has daddy issues. - Come on, Top Chef and your daddy issues. Everybody, stop crying about your goddamn father. - Oh, yeah. - And your adults. Give it up. - Yeah, they all got 'em, they all got 'em. - I just wrote down to daddy issues. That was my favorite thing. No, just kidding. Then they had a toast challenge with-- - Yeah, so that's the things. They went to Chef Desjardins' restaurant, Commissary in San Francisco. And the quick fire was to make a piece of toast. Like, toast is the newest craze. - Taking over the country, which made me crack up, 'cause what a pretentious phrase. And then when they started listening to different types of toast, I was like, "Oh yeah, I eat those toast." I was like, 'cause in my mind, I'm just thinking like a piece of bread that's toasted, but like, avocado toast and smoked trout toast and all that stuff. - Otherwise known as a bruchetta. - Yeah, exactly. But toast, toast is so hot right now. - Toast is sweeping the nation. - I know we were all raised to hate gluten and avoid bread. - Like, shut up, nope, we weren't. That's only been for like 10 years, okay? - We would reembrace toast in this country. - The modern toast trend-- - But if toast is expensive bread and be like, "Have you guys heard of toast?" - I know. The modern toast trend started right here at Commissary in the heart of San Francisco. I'm like, jeez, shut up toast trend. People have been toasting for a long time. I think toast is like-- - I was like, that, why would you said that? - I feel like toast is like 3,000 years old by now. - At least, how old is bread? I mean, toast happened when bread did, 'cause you know somebody left that shit in there too long. It's like the chocolate lava cake. That's supposed to be a regular cake, but they didn't leave it in long enough. - I know. And you know what? I hate snobbery about chocolate lava cake. When people say, "Oh, that's so 80s." Fuck, who cares? Chocolate lava cake is delicious. - So delicious. - It's a wonderfulness. The taste doesn't go bad, okay? - Chocolate lava cake is perfection. And especially when it's done right. Like when it's overcooked, it's just stupid. But when it's done by fucking dominoes, F, yes. Thank you, I'll take another dominoes. - Yeah, and that's the thing is that chocolate lava cakes are actually surprisingly difficult, 'cause the timing has to be just right so that way it's cooked on the outside, but molten in the middle. That shit is perfect. That stuff is great. So stop with all your snobbery, because it's popular in the 80s, okay? It's good. That's, I'll be snobby about stuff that served at pump, but I will not turn my nose up at a chocolate lava cake. - Mm-hmm, or a piece of toast. - Or a piece of toast. - Who's gonna complain about a damn piece of toast? - You all win. Thank you for making me toast. - I don't even know who I'm angry at anymore. So, just like mad at everyone. - Toast, toast is a thing. I love toast. - Stupid toast, trendy toast. I hate trendy toast. You know what I love? Trendy toast. - The toast weren't really all that trendy. I thought they were gonna to be a lot grosser as far as snobbery, but they weren't really. Some people are just like, well, here's a piece of raisin bread with some, I can't believe it's not better. And, you know, like a sausage, right? Like, oh, delicious. - So, it was a sudden fire, quick fire, sudden death, quick fire, with a lot of sudden fire. - One of you will die at the end of this competition. We're sending one of you to The Mission, but you have to work for Google. So, they all made toast and Jeremy made one with like, foie brat. No, no, he didn't make his frog. I don't remember what you did. - Yeah, it's wild later. - Oh, yeah. - I'm far actually. - And I remember it as duly making when. - Where he's like, well, you know, my wife likes fish and cheese. And I know that you're not supposed to, but I'm so in love with my wife. - So, here's some shrimp and burrata. - Mm-hmm, listen, anybody with the food network knows you don't make fish and cheese? And of course, yes, there's a tuna melt. And yes, there's other things. But just if you're on a cooking competition show, automatic fire. - Exactly, there are certain exceptions. You can do shrimp with feta. You can do like a crab dip, like a crab and cream cheese situation, but shrimp and burrata, that's a no-go. So-- - Apparently, because Padma was furious. She's like, what gave you the idea to do fish and cheese? - It's like, well, I know it's not, it's Italy. - Italy, really Padma. She's like mad that he's lying about Italy. - Meanwhile though, I mean, like, bet it's any Alfredo with shrimp, that's a thing. So, but anyway, and then-- - It's a TV rule that people stick to, every TV competition. Don't do it, it's like a frozen something, don't do it. - Yeah, but Omar, he did, he did foghra. I think he did like foghra and like prunes, or he did some crazy, big, heavy thing, where everything like soaked through the toast, and so they got mad at him. And then he had to do like sudden death with Carl, right? - Yeah, it's Doolie. - Doolie, and-- - That's what Doolie did. - A krudo. - Oh, krudo, again, another krudo for season 10, or whatever season, it wasn't season, it's not season 10, it's like season 16, but. So then, but Omar, I forget what he did, but it was like under season or overcooked, and he was sent packing, which surprised me, because I thought it seems like Omar has cooked better things in Doolie all season long, and this was the episode where all of a sudden everyone was saying how like, oh, well, you know, Carl, he's like a really tough competitor. Carl's one of the best chefs here, I was like what? He's been so middle to low end of the pack all season long, and as you always like to point out, he made a milkshake. - Yeah, the milkshake killed him for me forever. - Yeah. - I think people also talk up the other people so that they can feel better when they beat them. You know, they're like, oh, yeah, that person was amazing, and I still beat him. - Yeah. So it was weird, 'cause I remember in the beginning of the season, he kept on making stuff at once, like, well, that's like kind of '80s, that's kind of outdated, like a molten chocolate cake, but he has been sort of, I don't know, I always feel like I'm surprised. - He was boring. Yeah, he's just, he's, he's, he's boring. I mean, I can't judge anything, but his face, basically. - He's boring, you taste boring from my couch. - Yeah, he's sort of been, he's just sort of been at the bottom, and recently he's had some wins, but the others, everyone else has excelled multiple times, and then, so then he comes along. - So then the... - The Hubert review. - Yeah. - Chef Hubert. - Oh, Chef Hubert. - From the first episode ever, we would like to welcome Chef... - Hubert! - Even though he doesn't talk like that, he's not French. - Wait, he's French and German, right? Or just French? - Well, he's from Alsatian, maybe. Is he Alsatian? - I don't know what's that doing. - Alsatian's lowering. - It's like that part of the contested area of France, like France and Germany have. - I can't be getting into contested areas of France, Bann. - Well, let me hear all the way. - Historically, historically it's very famous. It was very contested in the World War I, World War II. - I'm looking at you at times of our lives. - I love contested land, Bann. - Barefoot contested? - Mm-hmm. - I contested it, but Jeremy told me to get barefoot. So here I am back in the kitchen, contesting nothing over a pot roast. It's lovely. - My good friends are coming over to contest a piece of land in France. I thought, "Great, I'll make dinner." Should I make Fois or Cook's death? It's obviously a contest. The Western Front is gonna push hard into Germany tonight, and I thought, "Great, I'll make cocktails." So today, Jeffrey's gonna be going to the Front to find some produce from the trenches. Meanwhile, my good friend Tiara will be doing some reconnaissance over in Berlin, and he'll be bringing back a fresh recipe for mojitos. - In the meantime, I'm just gonna finish up this chocolate delight, but I'm not gonna title it, because tonight at dinner, with the nationals of every country and the surrounding areas of France, I want them to guess, is it a chocolate cake? Is it an undercooked chocolate cake, or is it chocolate lava cake? That's tonight's contest on the barefoot contest update. - It's always really important to add coffee into your chocolate batter. It just makes the chocolate taste more like chocolate. It also makes people forget about the terrible war they're fighting in. I like to put some orange peel on top of the carrot cake. Just reminds the soldiers what's in the cake, 'cause that way they don't have to think about getting shelled. - Well, I mean, it could never be on top, Chef, because she just, first of all, she can't move that fast. And then at the end, when it's time to serve, she'd be like, "Well, who else am I serving, "and why, what's our story? "Why do I love them? "What am I feeling right now? "I can't serve this chicken until I have a story." - I'll be like, "Goddamn it, Ina, you're out." - Well, Ina would probably bother the mall while they were cooking, you know, while they're in the, while they're, you know when Tom Clickyo comes walking around and goes, "Hey, chefs, hey chefs, "just wanna see what you're working on, okay?" She'd probably come by and she'd be like, "Is there anything I can help you with?" You know, nurse, nurse, I'll be your nurse, huh? And she'll crack up, she'll make the joke to everyone. Like, we get it, Ina, you like to say that you're the nurse when you're helping someone. And then she'll make phony commentary, like, "Oh, so you're gonna cook this sauce beforehand, "and then heat up the chicken with it." That's how interesting, how interesting. - I know you do that every week or so. - Like, you're still not calling your back. - So you cook the garlic on medium heat 'cause you don't want it to burn. How interesting. - Audible's best of 2024 picks are here. From memoirs and sci-fi to mysteries and thrillers, Audible's curated list in every category is the best way to hear 2024's best in audio entertainment. Like a stunning new full cast production of George Orwell's 1984. - And percival efforts brilliantly subversive James. - Audible, there's more to imagine when you listen. - I actually am really excited to hear George Orwell's 1984 again, because last time I read that was back in, I don't know, middle school or something like that. And the world has changed so much with technology and everything like that. I feel like now is the perfect time to revisit and listen to it on Audible. - Especially when it's told by a full cast like that. Like it's a full production. It's gonna be like a radio play, you know? - That's major. Go to audible.com/crapins and discover all the years best, waiting for you. That's audible.com/crapins. - With big wireless providers, what you see is never what you get. Somewhere between the store and your first month's bill, the price you thought you were paying magically skyrockets with Mint Mobile, you'll never have to worry about gotchas ever again. I mean, how many times have you felt like, "Oh, this has been such a great deal." And then at the end of the first month, you're like, "What just happened?" - Yeah, you look at the charges. It's like, "I agreed to a certain amount." And then you look at that bill and it is nowhere near the number that you agree to, but then there's like 90 million charges on top of what you agreed to. They were just secrets, sorry, but not with Mint. Say, "Bye-bye to your overpriced wireless plans, jaw-dropping monthly bills and unexpected overages. All plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network." To get this new customer offer and your new three month premium wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to mintmobile.com/crapins. That's mintmobile.com/crapins. Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com/crapins. - $45 upfront payment required equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three month plan only, speeds slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees and restrictions apply, submit mobile for details. - You're a cool girl. - I think she would talk like that, like always overly supportive. - Aren't you great? Do you remember the first time we met? I thought, wow, what a cool girl. - It smells so good in here and she smiles at the camera. Like you're breaking the fourth wild line on, this is Top Chef. - I see you, see me. - Smiles. - She'll go, she'll, "Hmm, I wonder what Tom Clicky is up to." And Tom's right there, he's like, "I'm right here." Nope, that's not what I want. That's not what I said. So what, what? - So the next thing is the humor to review because he's already closed this restaurant but they're going to close it again because Top Chef. - They want to make sure it ends on a really mediocre note. You want to end the legacy of this restaurant for 15 years, it's got to end on a mediocre note. - My final dish for my restaurant, Florida, which has now just become a decoration and poor house-wise kitchen, I would like to present the bottom of the barrel. - Here, I've assembled all the greatest chefs to celebrate 15 years of this restaurant and to celebrate the legacy of fine culinary legacies. (laughing) - It's an undercoat. - On the exact foreground. - That's even better because it's so boring. - He's just like, "Okay, everyone, I would like to thank you. "It's the last night, I feel things." Okay, eat. - You know, we have been so influential to the culinary world here at San Francisco and the country at large, that I want to give something back by serving you undercoat foie gras. (laughing) - Me and my doula. (laughing) - For the first time and the last time in the history of the Hubert Flutterly, I present you food poisoning. Enjoy. (laughing) - I want to remind you of how good our food is by serving you some mediocre food by people who don't even work here. (laughing) - I'm so glad all of you flew across the country for this momentous occasion. - At least we're on TV, eh? Cheers. - So he actually makes everybody dinner and they figure out why they were inspired, man. Like, what's there Hubert inspired me? - And the reason that just cracked me up is because what they ended up making. Jeremy, the bro's like, "Yeah, bro, you know what? That totally inspired me." 'Cause I asked him how he got inspired and he was like, "I just sit there and then I think about Steph and I draw it and so I'm making bum-dulus-a-flee." (laughing) - Well, that was so funny, but that's what's funny about Jeremy 'cause in the beginning of the season, he was really framed as one of the people to beat, even though, as I like to mention every week, we did not enjoy his crudo. But they framed him as the guy to beat, like a very intelligent chef with mixed good choices and very refined, works for Jean George. And then over the course of the season, he's become more and more of a bro to the point where he's just ridiculous. And so now to see that he can be so bro and yet at the same time be refined and have an appreciation for refinery and know how to present something in a refined way, it's like really hard for my brain to accept. - Well, he's coming at it from a service standpoint. He was trained to do all that stuff 'cause he works for the best. I mean, he works for Jean George. Of course he knows how to make bum-dulus-a-flee-jum-dulus-a-flee-jum. Bum-dulus-a-flee-jum-a-flee-jum-a-flee-jum-a-flee-jum-a-flee-jum. - Bro, yeah. - Yeah. - What that chick should be talking about. - Bum-dulus-a-flee-jum-a-flee-jum-a-flee. - So Isaac, you know, the people left kind of seem to be good, at least they have the confidence that they're good. - They're good, but they all messed up. - Which leaves me to believe that they're good, but the past couple of weeks, they've done a lot of lame shit. So I'm not saying pom-dulus-a-flee, or whatever is bad. - That actually looked good, and he was the one who won the challenge because he did something that was refined and interesting, and then out on the scale, and it matched flertally, and I actually thought it looked good, even though I really generally can't stand Jeremy, I thought it looked really good. - He's hot. - But the rest they... - He is hot. The rest they massively overthought their dishes, and totally thought. - Well, Isaac had already done his in a quick fire. Well, like, dude, you just won, like, twice in a row. Do something new. Don't just start doing shit you already did on this same show. - Yeah. - Raise the bar. - Yeah, he did a... He did a... I forget what it's called, but it's that thing where you take off the skin of a bird, and then... And by the way, I have my mom give me, like, a Julia Child cookbook, and there's some version of that recipe involving chicken, and it's like, "Oh, all you do is just take off all the skin of the chicken, and make sure it says it totally intact." I'm like, "That's like impossible. How does anyone do that?" - Julia Child, for you, that's why she was all hunched over at the end. All she did was, like, sit there and concentrate on getting that skin off. - I am definitely not doing that. - Me neither. - In case anyone was wondering, I know everyone was concerned, like, "Do you think that Ben's gonna make that dish where he uses the chicken skin?" Guys, I'm so sorry. I'm not going to. - Well, as long as you don't make Dooley's dish. - Okay, Dooley, for you just got out, you just survived this barely by making a krudo again, and now you're going to do something else. - He's like, "I want to make something else that's raw." - Yes. Like, everything I cannot cook, so... - You know that they also hate that on top chef these judges. Come on, throws some things you don't cook. Come on, people, do you want this show? - They mentioned about 10 million times that it takes three days to do a foghrot torshaun. Was it torshaun? Is that what it was? And Dooley's like, "Yeah, I think I could do it in three hours." Now, this is not the same as restaurant wars. It's one thing to say, it normally takes three days or six weeks to open up a restaurant, and here we're doing it in three days. That's okay, because those are not real restaurants. That's that you go to Pure One imports and you load in some decor. That's different. But with food, they're actual chemical processes that have to happen. - Yeah, when they call it curing, that's a hint. - Yes. You can't do that, Dooley. Without the cure, you're feeding disease to people. You're like, "Here's some fucking uncured duck liver, have fun." - Yeah, Dooley. - Poor Marjorie, she made some lamb, and she was mind-fucked, because all season long, they've been telling her that she's been resting the meat too long. And then this time, she's like, "Okay, I'm not going to rest the meat that much." And then they're like, "You should have rested the meat longer." And then she started to cry. Marjorie, why don't you make bread? Marjorie, so strong. I do not like to see her cry. I want her to win. She's my hero this season. I want her to win. So I don't like when they're, you know, because they get on everybody. So when they say, "Marjorie, why did you not let your meat rest properly?" And she's like, "Well, I just never believed in myself." And so there's one time I thought, "Maybe I believe in myself." But then I didn't, and now I fail. - I'm like, "Why are you talking about your feelings, Marjorie?" - Yeah, Marjorie. Because of your feelings, okay? I want you because of your lack of them. - Go back to being a sociopath. - I was so afraid she was going to get eliminated, because they showed like a large number of her childhood photos this week. And they've been showing a lot of her photos. Like we have seen so many pictures of adorable 10-year-old Marjorie on this show. - Yeah, there's a lot. - Which is about 10-year-old Marjorie looks pretty much the same as current-year-old Marjorie. - Yeah, pretty much. Both the dwarves. Yeah, is she sending all those pictures in or is her mom just gone crazy? She's like, "Oh, they need another one." - "I think that's who it is." - Like, create another envelope from Yukaya. You know what this means? It's more photos. But I guess, so next week is the finale. We should mention Julie was eliminated, finally. So the question is, who is going to come back from Last Chance Kitchen? I haven't been watching, so I don't know who... - I don't know, but now they have three fighting against you. I don't know, Last Chance Kitchen, I can't with that too much. But I can now watch them do something else insanely fast. I don't believe you can do something that tastes good that quickly. I don't believe it. It takes me an hour to chop vegetables for a salad. I do not believe someone is going to come up with something beautiful. - Well, it could be... Here are the things that could be made that quickly that are delicious. Korean barbecue, McDonald's. You could do a lobster. You could do a lobster in that time. You just have to kill it and put it in boiling water for 12 minutes. Yeah, but these shows, you can't just do those. You have to do all these things that sound like they're something good, like on chop. They're like, "Here's a lamb's brain, peanut butter, and poop from a squirrel." And then they have to eat at five minutes. - You're playing from the sport, too. - Well, that is. I know, I know, I don't know. These shows are the most stressful things to make. They really, really, really trust me out. Well, at the end of the day, you were supposed to say something good for Chef Hubert, and I think you all tried. Unfortunately, you fell on your face, and what if you have to go home? Padma? - Julie, I'm so sorry, but you have to pack your knives and go. - But before you do that, Gail is still a little hungry. Do you mind giving her some more of your raw foie gras? Gail's like, "I'm not hungry. No, we see it in your eyes, Gail. Gail, please." - I would rather have an underdone foie gras than an overdone pizza squirrel poop, and that's what I'm saying right now for the record. - Okay, please just stuff your mouth with something. - Oh, so that's your heart, Gail. We know you're trying to act like you're full, but we know you're going to go home and raid the fridge for hard boiled eggs. - Well, I've had something against burnt charred eggs since the first season of the show, damn it. I have to have boiled eggs in there just to keep myself saying it night. - Oh, Gail, we done? We done? We cut? We cut? - We're good with Tom. I was fucking out of there. - So, anyway, why don't we move on to Real Housewives of Potomac? - What's doing? - What's doing? I wrote notes, I took notes, because I like Potomac. - Some tignets. - I hate this show. I hate it. - I can't believe how much you hate it and how much I love it. - It's awful. - It's great. - Go for it, I've still got 20 pages in it. Don't you worry, Ben. - So, it begins with Katie Giselle. Oh, man, I have been not writing down the time codes and all this shit, whatever. - Uh-huh. - No, that's not a haha, because that's karma. I'll get caught with that next time. - So, Katie, Giselle, Ashleth, and Robin are meeting at a restaurant, because, well, first I do that thing where they talk about the last episode. So, they're talking about how, at Karen's party, how Ashleth's husband, Michael, to go off his pants, to go home. - Oh, Giselle, after coming in and being like, "You're so hot, host! What are you doing tonight?" I'm like, "Okay, your vagina still works." - I know. - You're right on the schedule, everybody. - Yeah, technically that would be major sexual harassment. I forgot I ever said that to a woman like, "Ooh, do you have, are you single? You're hot?" - Well, she looks like she's got money, but she doesn't. Like, what are you trying to get water from a stone? What are you flirting with a host for? - Yeah, like a lady. - So, they're talking about Michael taking off his pants. And I love how they're like, "Well, he's Australian." - I love that. - We don't do that. We don't do that. - But, you know, those Australians always taking off their pants. And I love that. Robin hadn't heard about all this. And when they told Robin, she has, like, her most your moment. She's like, "No, why? Your husband trying to take off his pants? Why would he do with him?" - No, I'm like, "What are you acting so offended at? Your husband's sticking his dick in, like, 20 mouths in town. Shut up, Robin, so shocked." - So, Katie wants to put together some sort of nebulous, undefined event for the Ross Foundation. And she wants to do it in two weeks. And she wants all these women to help her. And she wants to raise $100,000 also. Which immediately gave me flashbacks to Deshawn Snow, season one, Real House of Atlanta, trying to raise $1 million in, like, a week at her shitty fundraiser. - Yep. - And the one about Katie is, I still don't get what it is. Like, it's a fundraiser to help other fundraisers. So, I don't even know what this is. Nobody even know what it is. She's just like, "My parents, it's very important to my parents that I am in charity. So, I'm having an event, and it's very important to my parents." I'm like, "Who cares? Is this about your parents?" Or your fucking poor, starving children who need to get money from a third party. - There are, I mean, there are so many red flags around this all. And so, Robin, I mean, Robin, I thought had a very good response. You know, I actually like Robin a lot. I actually feel like she's pretty bright. And she is basically like, "Well, you know, like, we'll help. But, like, if things go wrong, if you don't make the money, I don't want to be blamed." You know, because she's thinking professionally, like, if we put our, like, if I put my connections and, like, my abilities as other publicists, like, into this, and it doesn't make the money, I don't want you to say I'm a bad publicist. 'Cause you gave me two weeks to put this thing together, and invitations haven't even gone out yet. - Yeah, but Giselle, I mean, you can make a case for Robin being nice, but Giselle is awful. She's like, "Giselle, what is this?" It sounds like it's gonna suck. I don't do things that suck. I'm like, "Shut up, white stove, Craigslist couch. Be quiet, everything." - Oh, she's right there, too. She's like, "It sounds like a hot mess." - Girl, look at your plastic brunette hair under your skunk-ass other weave, dripping down all over the floor, getting shit all over the floor. Please stop pretending you're classing on my TV. Stop it. - Listen, I wouldn't want to get involved either, and I'm not a publicist. I don't want to, 'cause you know it's-- - I'm not saying Robin, I'm saying Giselle. - I know, I'm saying Giselle's not a publicist, but, like, I'm saying, like, if I were asked, and I had nothing professional on the line to lose, I still would not want to be involved, 'cause you know it would be a disaster. You've got two weeks, you'll be working around the clock for something that's gonna be half-baked anyway. I also would be like, "Whatever, I'm not gonna--" "This is half-baked, like, I don't--" "Don't ask me to come in at the 11th hour and do all the heavy lifting." - When is the housewise charity properly baked? I mean, that's the chocolate lava cake of TV. - It's not supposed to be baked all the way through, darling. - That's the point. - The difference is I'd pay money for a proper chocolate lava cake. I'm not gonna pay money for a Deshawn Snow fundraiser. - The only people who have truly ever been helped by reality TV are dogs with alopecia, darling. - Listen, we've all seen "Real House" as a Miami. We've seen what goes into the black ball, whatever-- - Black ball. - Whatever, the black night, whatever it's called. And it's a lot of work. - The cow ball. - It's a lot of work. And these women are basically like, "No, we're not gonna come in and do this all your work for you when you've been so, like--" "You're so disorganized, the point that you're just--" "You haven't found a venue or put--" "Send invitations out and it's less than two weeks away." - They're bitches, you just say, "Yeah, I'll help you." I mean, how much work actually goes in? - Oh, they are. - They get somewhere donated, they show up, they drink some wine, they go home. It's not like they're building homes. - Well, I mean, they should have just said they're actually making Karen Huber look better. Karen Huber's like, "Well, I'm really busy." That's what she said last week. She was like, "Well, I appreciate the invitation, but I actually am helping out with the different charity." - Yeah, she's awful. But at least she was doing something else. - This is problematic. - Just like, "Well, I'm gonna be fucking guys off Tinder, so make this good, or I'm going home." You're paying for lunch, right? - I love Giselle. I know you hate her. I think Giselle is hilarious. - It's so phony. I hate people who brag about how much money they have, but they don't have any money, and act all like they have all these manners when they don't have any manners. This show is ridiculous. It's poor people trying to pretend they're something they're not. And guess what? I see enough of that in this town. - Okay, Potomac. - So anyway, now the women are all going to Bethany/Frankle Beach because-- - Only where they're getting a Bethany on this show. - Yeah, walls are up around the beach. I've trademarked my name. You have to change your group trip. Literally, like this beach, I get this beach. Like I see what it's about. Okay, it's a beach. You go there. It's water. It's surf. It's swim. Okay, it's a weekend. Okay, like I get it. Okay, my walls are down. I'm literally like, "Don't shoot me now. I want to go to the beach. I want to go to my beach." "Me Beach." I'm actually gonna call it "Me Beach," because it's my beach. It's Bethany's spell. Even literally, the exact same way. - Starts getting a percentage from everybody who builds there. - Yeah. - I'm not-- - Yeah, except I wouldn't say there were a lot of skinny girls around there. - Well, that's her market. Skinny people don't actually drink diet products. I mean, no offense. - Then think them, but I'm not talking about you. - You are, but most, you know, most people who use diet products are people with weightish. - Yeah, so they're going there. And I like Robin describes Bethany Beach. She's like, "Well, Bethany Beach is where you take your kids when school lets out." - That's like great. Sounds like fun. - I hope it's at least as classy as that. And I like what she's saying. - I'm really excited because, like, I'm really stressed out with all these money issues. So it's time to take a vacation. - She's like-- - I really-- - I really need a vacation from living in my huge house with my super hot ex-husband who I still have sex with. I really need a vacation from that. - Oh, Robin. So they, I wrote horse face and chorice, but I think I was skipping to Vanderpump. But horses and chorice. Why am I saying that? Horses and chorice. - Well, I think you just said that. Yeah, because next is Ashley talking to her gay friend about how she's afraid to hang out with the women because-- - Oh, yes. - I feel like I'm a freshman and they're like seniors. And I'm just trying to prove myself. It's really important for me to get involved with this group of parents, exclusive women. I want to prove myself. - Nah, it's like a really big thing. You think these ladies are going to come to the beach and they're going to see in my house. And we have to use this great lifestyle Michael has created for us. - It's like what? You have to utilize a great style. What? What the fuck are you talking about, lady? - Yeah, I love her. - Yeah, she's-- - And you're like, women are like, "Can you sing me?" Like, they're grabbing me by my underwear. Well, let me do it. But like my proverbial underwear. - Yeah, seriously, you need to be quiet. Never, 'cause I love you. - So, and then we see Katie packing and complaining to her gay, aka Andrew, about the women and saying how she's like, "Yeah, so it's crazy." Like, basically I invited them to be like chairs on the committee and they were like, "What? It's going to be in like two weeks. It sounds totally just organized. Like we don't want to be involved." And I'm like, "Whatever happened to doing something good for good people? Like, so I just invited them." I'm like, "Shut up, Katie. Don't make it sound like they were the ones who were totally unreasonable. It's ridiculous for you to invite them to be like chairs of a board of a charity event that's happening in like 10 days." - Katie got so mad this episode. You really saw that inner bitch face come out. I mean, it was just all over her face. It was hilarious. She'd like those half-closed Garfield eyes, but mixed with anger. It was so funny. - Yeah, she's kind of like, she's been unraveling slowly over the course of the season. And it is amazing. You know, in the beginning, she was like composed, socialite. But now she's getting like angrier and bitchier and more unstable. And it's going in a great direction. - I like when she said, "And I was telling them like, do you want to support me or do you want to be a cockblocker?" I'm like, "What?" I'm like, "I don't think they want to take on all the work that you don't want to do. I think that's what it was." - And who's cock is being blocked? You people in your English, all crazy, all of you. I like that she was like going off to her gay husband as a little orphan Annie dress, hung behind her, a little red dress. So then we went to commercial break. And when we came back, guess what time it was? Fawn cam. - I don't know, baby. - Fawn cam. - It was all dimly lit lamp light. - It was a time-lapse fawn this time. That fawn, every episode, we get some serious fawn time. - Was he scared? I missed the fawn. - The fawn, they did like a time-lapse fawn. It was like, they showed the fawn like grazing across the lawn. But in time-lapse, so it was like, it was grazing fast. - Oh, did he look terrified when he left? - No, it's, what, it's- - First of all, it's like, that fawn sure was eating fast. I wonder if he's on drugs. - Yeah, something wasn't right about that fawn. It was beating really fast. The fawn's like, "Ooh, I'm not wearing my underwear, so I totally have a giant of sweat stain." Oh, my girl, you're so embarrassed. They've been walking around the forest, and my big chain has been hanging out the whole time. Ooh, my God, it's like, I feel like I'm a freshman and all the other D.R. seniors. I just want to get in with them. You know, I really am like into bearing this key more than champagne. That's just me, maybe just killing the fawn. I haven't grown up yet. - I like that her gay doesn't even bother listening to her. He's like, "Girl, you should just show them what Ashley enjoys." And she's like, "When we can't all just swallow a whole plate of sailors, you know, only, I mean, if they show them what I enjoy, I may not come home." - And he goes, "Good." - I was like, "What? Are you even in this conversation?" He was just like, "Good, great girl. Now, write me my paycheck." - She just said she's not going to come home. - He was literally shot 12 hours later, like in an empty apartment and they just cut the two together as if they were having a conversation. He was actually, it was actually footage from a totally different show. Like, "Oh, wait, we can use this." - (speaks in foreign language) - He's my husband's very best friend. - So then we see Karen packing for Bethany Beach. - (speaks in foreign language) - (speaks in foreign language) - And could you please come from the east wing to the bedroom? Thank you. - (speaks in foreign language) - Sorry, I was just trying to fix the tube TV in the corner. (laughs) - I'm opening. I was just busy opening a can with a key. - I was just trying to send a fax to someone. Turns out no one has fax machines anymore. - Uh, I was just looking something up in an encyclopedia. - I'll be right up, hon. (laughs) - Hold on, honey. The dot matrix printer's still printing out my report. - My husband is the Black Britannica. - Oh, Lord. So she's talking about this. What's normally for her would be a hideous trip to this Bethany Beach or whatever. But she goes, "I'm gonna mentor Ashley because I'll consider it charity work." He's like, "Where are you gonna sleep?" It's like, "Well, I think that some of the women might have to share, but they know that I don't share rooms. I don't sleep with women, so they know that. It's not managed. A woman sleeping with another woman? Oh, never." He's like, "I'm sure he should do it." - Yeah. So then she goes off and then so she goes off with Ashley in like a little convertible and she's like, "Where? Where is the dog going to sit?" Like, "There's just not going to be room for the dog." I'm like, "Okay, Karen, just calm down. The dog decides to think he." "I sure hope that you have a bowl full of mints because I'm petomic. When people leave your home, it's good that they pass a bowl of mints. Do you? Do you?" "No, I mean, man. So I didn't even think about it. Like, you have gum. Like, you might put my gum out." "No, that'll never do in my tummy." Oh gosh, Karen, I love Karen. So then, meanwhile, so they're in like a tiny little car driving off. The rest of the women pile into Katie's SUV. And you can tell that this is like a first-year show, because in the first-year show that they don't want to really throw, Bravo doesn't want to throw any money at it. So they don't have a driver, and they're also not going anywhere special for their cast vacation. So they're going to Delaware for their cast vacation. The Indian Casino. I love that that actually happened on Game of Crowns. Yeah, like a long time to come true. They actually went to the Indian Casino as a group trip. Granted, one of them kind of owned it and stuff. Yeah, exactly. And then, yeah, they went to, that's right. They went to Providence. They're not Providence. They went to Newport, Newport, Rhode Island. That was their trip, and they went on a sailboat. And then they had to turn the sailboat around, because the man won. I got like a bad phone call. So anyway, so Karen is talking even more about mentoring Katie while in the other car, the women are playing Mary Fuck Kill. And I love that they're like, all right, let's start. Bill Clinton and you're just going, and then it was like, okay, what about 50? Like, oh no, 50. How did you go from Bill Clinton to fitting? But you know, it's kind of right. She's like, he looks like he might start licking you in places. You don't want to be licked. Also, she knows he's broke fucking bankruptcy court, getting in trouble again, because he's on Instagram, posing with piles of money in his bed. Stupid. Yeah. I mean, not stupid. I don't want to get you know, but well, not, not wise. So, so then they start, they start pressing Katie, talking about like Russell Simmons, how she did Russell Simmons and some others. And Katie's like, I've dated a lot of incredible men. I'm like, you know that the guys are saying, you know, I've did a lot of hoes. Yeah, her story was so sad, because Giselle obviously was kind of poking at her especially as the scene goes on, but Katie's trying to pretend she's so proud. She's like, yeah, I was with Russell for a while. And then, you know, it got kind of awkward because he was dating somebody else. And I just stayed in the house, you know, I was in the guest room, and they're like, yeah, I started laughing. And then she tells us, she's like, yes, Russell Simmons is still on my speed dial. Yeah, like, what are you bragging about? She's like, out, yeah, she got kicked out. She was living in the guest room. He had another girlfriend, but she knows where the money is. So she keeps him on his speed dial, for sure. But the funny thing is, so she wrote some blog posts about this whole breakup thing. This girl should have a blog on how never to have to pay rent ever, anywhere, just like moving from some boyfriend to some other boyfriend. So she mentions that she wrote some blogs about it. So Giselle looks at the blog and starts reading out of it. And then Katie gets all pissy. And I mean, you have to sign the Giselle one. Giselle's like, well, I'm sorry for reading the blog that you put out there. Like, you put it all out there or you can't be mad that I'm reading. Yeah, but Giselle's reading it and mocking it at the same time. And then Giselle, I like when Giselle said, now, I know that this has happened to Black Girls, but I don't know any Black Girl who's written a blog about it, okay? We do it like Angela Bassett. You find out your man's cheating. You get all his shit on the lawn and you blow it up. I was cracking up at that. The blog was hysterical, babe. I had a mud mask on my face. And then this lady who was sleeping with my boyfriend told me off. And she said, I'm just a sad girl with mud on my face. I was like, uh, oh, right, so sick spear. Didn't sound like she was too far off, though. And then Katie, her ex is all over the blogs for shady shit he does. So she's being a hypocrite. My guess, you all, you all leech on to terrible men for their money. Congratulations. You all lose. So then back at Ashley's house, she has hired the most homely chef of all time. I mean, I think it was Craig's mom from Southern Charm because she's in Delaware, right? I'll dare you, sir. I'll dare you. That woman knows how to boil a crab. That lady, she was hilarious, though. Like she had that haircut of like a little girl in from 1952, you know, like little Shirley Temple. Not even sure it was a couple. It was kind of that old creepy couple that you pull over on the side of the road because you're almost out of gas and you decide we might as well stay here for the night. And they're like, do you have a warm blanket? They're never quite smile at you. It's them. But normally like the chefs that are hired on these shows are like people who are trying to be like celebrity chefs or whatever. It's like Chef Robley. But this is just like like a mom and pop from somewhere. This was Ashley on Craig's list. Thank you. Hey, thank you for waiting tonight. Yeah, like, OK, we put some tortillas in a thing and, you know, some sauce. We got some dish to take for you. Yeah. So, um... Arrival. So they all start to arrive. Oh, so they're already there, but I need to scroll down and be stupid now. But Karen goes into the house and she's like, well, Ashley's summer home isn't something I would own, but it is beautiful. Nice try, lady. Nice try with your fatter pump. Uh, it's comfortable. Well, she means she's like, it's not something that I would own because I'm still working my way up to a flat screen TV before we get to a beach house. But it is beautiful, beautiful house. I will see the good wife in high definition before I die. Ten of beach house. You know, here's the thing. A real lady does not get high. She lives by standards, which is why I have standard definition. Not high definition. Uh, Karen. So she's walking around like Mrs. Roper. She puts on this big flowy Ace of Cap fans. Um, is this Karen's house and is Ashley just the who's gamer? Because, um, Karen looks really comfortable. Like she does. She's wearing platform heels and like five Spanx. Yeah, she basically was Mrs. Roper. It's like, oh, here goes Mrs. Roper down the stairs, right? Family. Oh no, that's Mrs. Garrett. That's Mrs. Garrett. No, that was Mrs. Garrett doing her. Come on, I have sex. Family. Family. Family. Come on, knock on my door. Well, you better knock on the door because etiquette and baton make dictates that you always knock on someone's door before you dance on their floor. Welcome home, Blair. I'm always here to love you. No matter how angry you get. Uh, so Robin looks around asking about picture of the stepkids. Ashley stepkids are, I think older than her. Both of them, it's like 30. Oh, you're 20. Well, I'm in 29. Like Jesus Christ, lady. You could be with one of those guys and still be in a relationship with somebody a decade older than you. Damn girl. Damn. Mama, mama. So, Shareece is getting all snotty because she, the chef's come to the table and she's like, I could go for some water and then the chef just ignores her and walks away. They are not waiters. Well, she really wants some champagne. She's like, is that possible? The Shareece voice is very interesting. It's like super nasley. But also the speech is like, Are they possible to get some champagne around here? Yeah. I don't know that I can do elder flowers. Like it can't treat a glass of myself. And that's just like, really, I like the elder flower. You know, like, yeah, I don't like it. No, I don't like it either. Yeah, that's pretty bad. That's pretty shitty. It's sort of tastes like toilet water with a perfume in it. Girl, one second. When you got a palette used to Costco, Prosecco, there ain't no going back. There is nothing in the world that's going to taste good again. So anyway, oh, and then Katie was talking about how she was like, really annoyed that Giselle had Googled her earlier on the ride over. And you know that as she was pissed, she's like, Oh my God, I love to Google. I Googled you too. Everyone got so mad. It means so I tried to beat everybody. So they stopped being mad, but it was lame. So I went back to Google, Google sisters. That's so cool that you Google, you know, and that's what I have to do. And let's let Google stock everyone. Sometimes I like to Google, but then I'd like to do the search tools and press all results this week. It's totally different. Have you ever used the cash results? It's like so cool. I feel like I'm in junior high and Google's in high school. And it's like, it's using me. I'm like, El Google, Elm. So, so then they're eating dinner. And then, and then the mom chef comes over. It's like, so we're going to, we're finished here. So here's the bill, which is, that was bad, like that's, I mean, Giselle was like, I have never seen someone who works for me, hand me a bill in front of gas. And she's like, a vendor does not hand the, I love that Giselle is talking about manners while she's over on the other end of the table going, oh, is this your ex's house? Yeah. I would have sold it. Like she is so rude. Everything that comes out of her mouth is fucking rude. And then she's like, how dare you manners lie. You be quiet over there. She's right. You're like, you got damn dinner tonight. But she's right. I was like, whoa, that's ballsy of the chef. Right. Everyone there. You paid for two hours. We've been here for give us our goddamn money for a lot of burrito so we can go home. Yeah, well, that's what I imagine probably really happened. They probably were there for hours and they were listening to these women, like talk shit about their food. And then we're like, you know what, this is not worth it for us. We have a junior league to get to. So yeah, they're sitting there, like being rude about the food at the table, giving it dirty looks as they talk about manners. Oh god. And then just jizz. I just keep writing down jizz because I don't like her. But when jizz said, if this is the access house, I would have sold it. And Ashley goes, well, I'm considering selling it. But I think maybe after you have a baby. She's like waiting for the power before she starts making real estate moves in this relationship. You know, not an idiot. Can't wait to see the vagina stands off that after that. And then talked about having to jerk her has been off. Oh yeah, she's like, well, they've been using the pull-on method for four years. And they're like, what do you do for the rest of the time? She's like, well, jerk him off. And like, ew, gross. Yes, job. Okay, so no one's allowed to talk about their work at the dinner table now. So showrooms, Robin and Chazelle. Okay, so this is where they get to see their rooms. I love when, I love when like adults on these shows freak out about being in a twin bed. I mean, I mean, I like Robin's reaction because Robin just starts cracking up. And she's just like, she can't even stand up straight because she's laughing so hard. I like that reaction. Jizzelle, though, was a total prima donna. I love Jizzelle, but she's being prima donna. Just the way everyone's always a prima donna, anytime they see a twin bed. The only one who has actually never been a prima donna about a twin bed was her old friend Leah Black. Remember when they went to the Caribbean and she's like, all right. I'll sleep in a twin bed. I don't care. I'll be here sleeping in the twin bed. I'll call downstairs and buy the hotel. What do you think of that? That's what you're going to say. These hotels have the most comfortable twin beds in Texas. How do you think of that? I love twins. How fun? How fun is that? I love the twin cities. This reminded me of a story. A guy at the Toyota dealership told me once when I was waiting for an oil change man. He said, I said, they gave me some, I mean, it was like a decent little rental. And I was waiting for the paperwork or whatever. And he said, oh, thanks for taking it. You have money. And I said, no, why do you say that? And he said, because usually the people who will take any car are usually the people who are rich. The only people who complain and demand to get a better and better car. And they'll sit in here and fight for hours or poor people who want to pretend they're rich. Like rich people do not care. And that's what Giselle reminds me of in every scene in every episode. And I'll be quiet about it now. So you can still, you can still harp on it. I don't mind running. I know, but I hear myself. I'm like, oh my God. Okay, we got it. Giselle, Giselle wasn't the only one complaining. Because then Cherise and Brunet upstairs get to see their twin beds. And then Cherise has this totally like obnoxious response because each bed has a little name tag. And she's like, that's not me, honey. I have two hours in my name. So therefore that does not belong to me. And Brunet is like, and you misspelled mine. I'm like shut up, bitches. You're being grossed. You have names that don't make any damn sense. And Cherise is not spelled with two R's. So maybe you should spell your name right, both of you. And then complain. Well, yeah, how about Brunet is spelled without a B. How about that? It's Brunet, not Brunet. So the point is this, just be happy that you are getting a free weekend at the beach. Okay. Like stop complaining. Jesus. The most, I'm, I'm never, I can, I never cease to be amazed at how ungracious these women are on all these shows, whenever they go traveling somewhere and they complain. My name isn't spelled right. Oh, I don't have the best room. I don't, it's just, you know what? You're getting a free weekend. You go to a key chain store and they don't have your name spelled right. It's because your name spelled wrong, stupid. Also, Cherise, this is like the first time you've gone to bed with somebody else in the room in months. You think you'd be a little more grateful. Yeah, you think, you know, after all this complaining about your husband not being there, then you start saying like, I don't like something alone. Well, what do you think your husband's been doing? He's been respecting you. Exactly. Robin was the one who had the best response. She's like, you're not going to melt. You're not going to die. Just get a grip. I was like, thank you, Robin. Thank you. Robin's like, my kids ain't tuna out of the camps this morning from breakfast. Okay. Just to be glad we're not watching that. So the next morning, um, they are, they all make breakfast. Giselle doesn't help out. Then there's complaints about that there was no air conditioning in Giselle and Robin's room, and then they're all going to go out to the beach. And Cherise is like, I'm going to go back. Is there a Kabbalah? Can I get a Kabbalah at the beach? I'm like, you're in Delaware. Okay. You're not in Central Bay. You are at Bethany Beach with a bunch of school kids who are out from school. Okay. Just enjoy the good humor card when it comes by and be quiet. Get your ice cream when you hear the song. Otherwise, stay out of the street. Okay. All right. Just get over yourself. Enjoy the water. You were at a beach in Delaware. If you even try to act like you're living the glamorous life, you will be ejected. Yeah. Too late. There's cameras. Okay. Weirdos. And they're all, they're all at the beach. And here we go with another old lady watching the young lady surf. Yeah. And then talking about their body the entire time. Tramstaking up to a line up. Shaming. All that stuff. It was kind of sad and creepy. I like that the young girls are like, suck it, bitches. Who cares? They're like, oh, well, look at that. Who has the best butt? Okay. Now let's look at everybody's butt. And Karen was, Karen's getting all hoity-toity. She's like, you know, if it were me, I would have done something else. You know, I would have preferred a boating exposition. Right. Something safe. You just flew on a plane privately last week. I mean, you just flew yourself on a plane last week. What are you talking about? But I like the idea of a boating exposition. The idea of a whole bunch of boats coming by for her to peruse. I know she meant expedition, but I was right to harp on. It's a boat expo. She's actually in a civic center. She's like, I'm having a party on this docked boat. It's on the civic center floor, not even in the water. Now listen, Lord knows I say the wrong word a billion times on every episode of the podcast. But I reserve the right to harp on any housewife. He uses the wrong word at any given time. So if you say boating exposition instead of expedition, I'm going to come for you. Well, here I am in the boat expo. And, you know, I know that my boat is naturally nicer than the other boats on the floor. But these ladies didn't even arrive in a boat. They came in a car. That's not how we do things in Potomac. Just give me memories of Mo Collins on a rest of development playing the model for the boat show. All the boats show. I used to go to boat shows as a kid in the civic center. Guess where in El Paso, Texas. And guess where there's never boats in El Paso. There ain't no water in El Paso, Texas. You can thrive to elephant butte with like a little man made, whatever. But you ain't going in there. Wait, I thought the Rio Grande was was near there. No. I guess no one's in a boat in the Rio Grande. That's a river, you know. Right. Well, I guess you see boats. Yeah, I guess you see pontoons and stuff. No, not really. It's you swim it. Yeah, that one you swim. You don't take a boat over. You know, I know I know I know nothing about the Rio Grande. Wow, you're sure missing a lot, Ben. The good times I've had watching that dirty river drive me to Mexico. So anyway, speaking of dirty rivers, they women go back after the beach and they change in their clothes. And this is when Ashley shows off that she has a sweat stain from her vagina on her dress. She's like, no, I totally didn't wear any. I didn't get any underwear. And so now I totally have a sweat stain from my vagina. And she turns around and shows it to us. It's wet for my poop. Look at my poop. I'm swampy. I forgot to do the pull-out method with my sweat. Mm-hmm. So because it's this show, we have to have another crab boil. Yes. Some of the people are out shopping for the crabs and Ashley's still hanging out with Robin and everything that comes out of her mouth is hilarious. After the poop thing, she's like, oh, no, this I think is when they're actually dinner. So the ladies go get-- They're talking about farts and shitting. Yeah. Yeah. So then Ashley opens dinner with everyone's like, oh, wow, this crab is so good. Ba, ba, ba. She's like, my friend told me the other day her husband walked in. What she was pooping. She was like so offended. Like, any poop in front of my head has been all the time. Like, he doesn't care. Mikey's 70, OK? You get used to poop. Yeah. Cherise is like, because you're please pass the percaco. I can't deal with this right. Can we not talk about this right now? Guess whose husband has never watched the poop main? Because he's not even there or so. Can we talk about the fact that we're eating dinner upstairs? This is totally rude and uncalled for. And then her being the bitchiest one out of everybody tonight. And that's quite a feat on this show because they're just bitchy for no reason. She's all bitchy and giving everybody a dirty look. And then she goes, all right, everyone. I have to do a sister circle because this is when I started a year ago with the basketball life. Mike, how'd that work out for you? Exactly. I want to say something really lovely about each other. So first, I'm going to start with Robin. Robin, I want to thank you for never coming upstairs when you haven't been invited. That really means a lot to me. Giselle goes, so Giselle calls Katie. She's like, you know, one thing I really like about you is that you're sort of like unassumingly brilliant. You know, you say things and I'm like, huh? And then I'm like, whoa, that was really intelligent. Katie's like, whoa, she just called me stupid. Did she just call me stupid? First she is against my charity. And then she calls me in drug addict. And now this, like, uh, actually she didn't know about it. Yeah, but the thing is, the funny thing is Giselle is saying you're actually smarter than you appear, but that's that's actually not the same as saying you're stupid. It just means that, you know, like, you're. And Giselle language it is because she's saying, oh, yeah, I mean, idiot and you have to get to know you too. It was passive aggressive. Giselle's like aggressive aggressive. She is going hard for this girl. And it's cracking me up because it's hard on this show, you know? Well, because well, because Katie uninvited her from the thing. So Giselle's like, oh, okay. So now Giselle is going to, like, come at her. Plus, she's already been calling her a drug addict for two weeks. Yeah, that's true. She's been going after her the whole time because she's younger, hotter, and she's more famous people. That's true. And they also, I feel like they had like a very minor dust at that one point. And this is probably like the repercussions of it. But either way, yeah, no, this has been like a slow brew feud mainly on Giselle's side. Probably ever since ever since that awful, like, baby naming at Katie's house. So yeah, I guess so. Oh, yeah, she was saying she came after my race, my religion. And now this, I'm like, I like that you're comparing race and religion to. Like whatever stupid thing she just said, like, unassumingly smart. Yeah. Well, Katie also needs to learn to learn what a real struggle is. What it really means to have someone come after your race religion. But. And then what's her name? Brine, she's like, yeah, I remember when we were at that party, we all thought you were on something, Katie. Ha, ha, ha. And then they laugh and cut away. Now this Brine is on every episode. She might as well be a housewife. Yeah, it's not like they're fascinating with us with anybody else's storylines instead. But she's on every episode. And some stuff came out about her this week about her being a lawyer that was disbarred because of some, I don't know, sting operation with her. But I mean, I guess a lot of stuff's going to be coming out on the show. Maybe she'll become a housewife soon. So pay attention to Brine. She's a, she, Brine is entertaining. I like Brine. I actually like her, but you know, for some reason, I like all the women on the show, even though you hate them all. I like them. But then Serena is the only one I have to say so far. Well, Ashley too, and Katie's okay. I mean, Katie is a faker, but I still semi like her. But I think the rest are just fakers. I like that Brine is not a faker. She just says what's on her mind now. I love it. We've only seen her, you know, a couple of minutes every show. Karen, Karen cracks me up. She has a stick up her ass, but she cracks me up. And she has some very funny one line of Giselle. I think it's hilarious. I love Giselle. So, so the women go inside and they're still doing sister circle time. And then they're like, does anyone have anything to share? And Giselle's like, yes, I have something to share. So, I took some of that specialty, you know, and I was like ready to go. I was like horny and I was meeting with like Mr. Miami. And like, I was horny. He's like, well, while we go back to the hotel room. So we go back to the hotel room and I go into the bathroom and I just shit everywhere. I have full on diarrhea. Everyone's like, okay. She's like, that's what you want to share about yourself. She's like, yeah. And then, of course, the whole reason that Sharice brought the stupid sister circles up for basketball wives is because she wanted to cry about her divorce. That's the only reason. When the person, the person who says, I want to go around the room. And what if they all say something that's all they're buying? You know, they just want to cry. So just say cut to the point, cry about what you need to. And we'll watch TV after Sharice. Watch TV after. That's rough. Cause Sharice is like, why is it like we're still getting divorced? And she's like, you know, I don't, I don't care about material things. I only can't, I would like, I don't care about stuff like that. I care about relationships. I don't care about material things. I'm like, oh yeah. Well, then shut up about your twin bed. If you don't care about material things. And not only that, but stop letting your husband move to a different state just so you can stay in your material things around your fancy friends. Get out of here, lady. You don't care about material things. And then it's followed up with Jazelle, the biggest faker in the world. Oh yeah, material things don't matter. You know, when I was getting a divorce, I had to say, this doesn't matter anymore. And I walked away from his ass when I had enough evidence to still be supported. You don't have to have it one way or the other girl. You can still have the material. I can see she didn't even say that, but they're so fake. And then Karen, well, I've learned that the material things aren't important because my mother has dementia and I'm like, oh my God. So now you guys are going to try and top poor, not poor Shariz because I don't feel bad for her, but you're going to try and top Shariz crying monologue. She had to listen to your shit stories and everything else. Now you guys got to top her with your own problems being worse than it is. Well, then, and then Robin finally stepped out of the play and she's like, well, you know, I think I told you, but like, I had a friend who took a lot of money from me. And it was like to be continued. I was like, this is our cliffhanger. Like, I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. I thought we were real friends. I had to go to work today. I was like, it better not have been Uncle Gilbert. Handsome. It's probably like the tax people. She was like, the IRS. I thought I was friends with the girl Iris and then she threatened to throw us in jail if we didn't give her half of our money. So next week, we'll find out the trauma of Robin. And then we have this big thing where Michael shows up at the A-Bar. And now they're going to start calling him gay, which is fun. We do not do. Your husband is not a woman and he is not gay. I am done. Like, oh, wow. The husband showed up to a group event. Suit the woman. Well, it's my favorite real house of trope. When a guy shows up on a woman's trip and the women all freak out. Yeah, the forecast really has got to find something to do. I am very happy with Potomac. Very happy in our teensy. Well, if you like, let us know if you are into Potomac or if you think it's shit. Think or think it is shit. I'm not think like it is shit. So come to facebook.com/watchforcrapins and leave your comments there. We'll be posting this episode on Facebook. So go find it there and leave the comments there. And be sure to sign up and patreon to hear our bonus episode and all that other good stuff. We love you all, Lisa Renna. Still waiting for the croissants. I really am serious about that. If I'm going to have carbs, they better be celebrity carbs, okay? So, you know they're going to be from Ralph's. That's where she shocked. We learned last week. Oh, yeah. Listen, I've been around the city a long time and I know the best croissants come from Ralph's. Yes, Merle will love this in the backseat on accident. Here's three of them. Josie Pissant and I used to always go 100 for facades. I mean, they're all at Ralph's, okay? Bye. Bye, everyone. Try texture for free right now when you go to texture.com/crapins. Texture.com/crapins. If you like Watch What Crapins, you can listen ad-free right now by joining Wendry Plus in the Wendry app or on Apple Podcasts. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey at wendry.com/survey. I'm Lindsey Graham, host of Wendry Show American Scandal. We bring to life some of the biggest controversies in US history. Presidential lies, environmental disasters, corporate fraud. In our latest series, entrepreneur Lou Perlman becomes the mastermind behind two of the biggest pop groups in the world, the backstreet boys, and in sync. He also oversees a sprawling business empire that includes a charter jet company, restaurants, and real estate, but Perlman's successful facade crumbles after he sued by the boy bands for siphoning millions from them, and soon investigators discover that Perlman is keeping his empire afloat through an even more devious scheme. Follow American Scandal on the Wendry app or wherever you get your podcasts. Experience all episodes ad-free and be the first to binge the newest seasons only on Wendry Plus. You can join Wendry Plus in the Wendry app, Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Start your free trial today.
