- This episode is sponsored by DoorDash. - You've heard us talking about the latest dash pass annual plan benefit. Stream max with ads included at no extra cost. If you haven't tried it yet, what are you waiting for? - Ronnie, you're a big Last of Us fan, right? - Oh, I sure am. The HBO original The Last of Us. It's about to start another season. - What would you order on DoorDash while you watch The Last of Us? - Well, while I'm watching Last of Us, I prefer eating salads from DoorDash because the zombies are plants. So you're kind of eating the zombie plant people, you know? - Oh, good. You're a storing order. - Yeah, it's on fan. (laughs) - Sign up for a dash pass annual plan and get max included at no extra cost. - It's your door to more. - Max is now included with your dash pass annual plan. Stream max with ads up to $120 value included at no extra cost. - In terms of why, see DoorDash.com/max for details. Audible's best of 2024 picks are here. - From memoirs and sci-fi to mysteries and thrillers, Audible's curated list in every category is the best way to hear 2024's best in audio entertainment. - Like a stunning new full cast production of George Orwell's 1984. - And personal efforts brilliantly subversive James. - Audible, there's more to imagine when you listen. - I actually am really excited to hear George Orwell's 1984 again, because last time I read that was back in, I don't know, middle school or something like that. And the world has changed so much with technology and everything like that. I feel like now is the perfect time to revisit and listen to it on Audible. - Especially when it's told by a full cast like that. Like it's a full production. It's gonna be like a radio play, you know? - That's major. - Go to Audible.com/crapins and discover all the years best waiting for you. That's Audible.com/crapins. ♪ Watch what crappins ♪ ♪ Watch what crappins ♪ ♪ Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappins ♪ ♪ Crappins ♪ ♪ Crappins ♪ ♪ Crappins ♪ ♪ Crappins ♪ ♪ Watch what crappins ♪ ♪ Watch what crappins ♪ ♪ Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappins ♪ ♪ Who cares what crappins ♪ ♪ Who cares what ♪ ♪ Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappins ♪ - For this episode, we want to thank our super sponsor, Marvin J. (applause) Hey everyone, welcome to Watch what crappins the podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to watch. I'm Ben Mandelker from bsideblog.com and the banter blender podcast. Joining me is the very funny, very lovely and I'm sure very comfortable Ronnie Karam from trashtalktv.com. Hi Ronnie. - Hello Ben, I am comfortable. - I could sense it, I could just sense comfort coming through the Skype connection. I'm a privileged American comfortable on my heart sectional. (laughs) - I'm just so happy for you for that. Everyone, thank you for coming and listening to the show. You can follow us on Facebook.com/Watch what crappins where you'll get all the late breaking Bravo news and it's where you can engage in discussion with everyone and everything. Come visit us at watch what crappins.com where you'll find links to all our social media. Come follow us on Twitter and like, follow us on, subscribe to us on iTunes and all that great stuff, Instagram. It's all there, you know how to use social media. That's just where our links are. And then finally, if you come to patreon.com/Watch what crappins. If you support us there, we like to give back. So every week you get access to a bonus episode and you get access to all the previous bonus episodes too. We do, we have started putting up a playlist of all the previous bonus episodes. The link to that playlist, it's a private playlist. The link to that changes every week. So if you wanna keep accessing all the previous bonus episodes, you just have to just go to the latest bonus episode posting to find that. And then tonight, if you hear this in time, we're doing a hangout on Google with our listeners and that's always super fun. We do that once a month and that goes along with Patreon too. So go to patreon.com to find out how to, again, involve all those things. Unfortunately, we do not offer a tote bag. But you know, working on it, working on it. - I think the world has had enough damn tote bags. I was cleaning up my house last week. There are bags everywhere, those stupid shopping bags. Like you're not allowed to use plastic anymore, which I get. I'm not like fighting for killing plastic trees or whatever the hell, but what are these things made out of? These can't be good. There's gonna be landfills full of Whole Foods crap. You know, those are made out of like, I don't know, plastic. They're plastic, right? - Yeah, well, I think it all depends. I have a real bag situation going on in my living room right now. I've got so many tote bags, but then I invariably forget to bring them. So then I also have all these paper bags. It's just a disaster over there. - Guys, we're talking Bravo. So of course we have to open with old bag tot. - Yeah, we always have to discuss old brown bags. - Old bags that need to be discarded, but we just can't do it. Oh, how fitting. - How totally fitting. I think we took care of everything we needed to plug, right? Right at the top of the show. Like did we get through that in record time? - Yeah, we did. - It's crazy. I'm like- - Getting better at speeding through that. - I'm like, is there something we're else we're supposed to be talking about right now? - You just need to yell at us one time and we're like, okay, it was that iTunes listener who was like, all they do is talk about random crap for eight minutes. I'm over. This is the worst morning I ever had. What I mean was Gabby or something like that. - Sorry, lady. So we're better. She doesn't know though. She's gone. - Oh, by the way, if you want to complain, complain on our Facebook page. If you want to give us great, great comments, do that on iTunes. All right, save your complaining for Facebook. - Yeah, exactly. First of all, yeah, just do that. So. (laughs) And by the way, thank you to everyone who pointed out the fact that there was an issue with the bonus episode. We fixed it. So if you couldn't access the bonus episode before, you can access it now. - Yeah, it was a fun one. That was a fun day Tuesday. Let's repeat it. Let's do all the same things. - Well, I am very excited. Today we're going to talk about Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. We're going to talk about newlyweds the first year. We're going to talk about Vanderpump Rules. I love the Thursday show. I love talking about all three of these shows. - Oh my god, especially this week. What a beautiful, it's just an old bag full of gold. - Yeah, and then we have our Crap It's Mailback, which we'll get to in a second. But first, let's talk some Bravo Gossip. We haven't, we've been sort of ignoring our Gossip lately. Basically, 'cause there hasn't been any good gossip. - Yeah, I know Bravo Gossip is like Daniel Stubbs sent Andy and Mean Tweets. - Yeah. - And there's shit you guys. Come on, come on, Bravo people. Let's do something. - So here's something that I find very amusing. Yolanda Foster has given up the Foster name and she is now going back to Yolanda Hadid. So two things are interesting about this. One, you know it had to have been-- - What'd you say? - It's completely stupid. - It's completely stupid. - First of all, you know that it has to be a bad divorce if Yolanda is giving up an ex's name. Okay, if she's expunging that from her record, it's gotta be bad. Second of all, I think it's really bizarre to not go back to your maiden name, but to go back to your previous ex's name? That's strange. - Yolanda Foster, wow. Yolanda Foster, okay, in Austin there's all these bike riders and they wear logos all over them. You know, I guess you see that here a little bit too. But they don't just wear normal biking pants in a shirt. They're covered like a NASCAR car. And I feel like that's what Yolanda is. She's just gonna wear whatever fucking brand is paying her-- - They'll be like an M&M. - Yeah, she's gonna fucking Abisco, she's gonna name herself to Yolanda Nabisco, you know? I mean, Jesus Christ woman, you're not supposed to be naming yourself after what you're currently swallowing. - I like that she gives away stadium rights to her name, naming rights to her to herself. - You're paying for my medical treatment? Do you think hydro-colonics are free? No, Mohammed pays it. Look at that in my business, Lisa Vanderpoops. - The sad part is that I don't think she's trying to advertise that she's, you know, Mohammed's. I think that she's actually trying to link herself to Gigi. I think she wants people to remember that Gigi Hadid is her legacy. - Oh, that's true, yeah, that's why in every episode she says something like this one she was like, "Oh, look at this shirt. I took it from the Gigi closet this thing. It's Gigi's." - Yeah, yeah. So I think actually in this case, it doesn't have to do with Mohammed. I think it's that she is now, she found something else to hit her wagon to, and it's her daughter. And the other one, and the other one. - Oh, yeah, forget that. She's like, "You don't get in the packet to bus for the lime tour, but let's all us call Gigi on FaceTime. You guys had behind the seat." - Yeah, I brought towel from men done by the corner. It's a little moment on it. (laughing) - Oh God, it's in the mid Hadid. So, yeah, Yolanda's ridiculous. Was there any other gossip that was not really-- - No, I mean, I think that's pretty much the most amazing thing. And that happened like way earlier in the week. - But it's still fun for me. - It's, yeah, 'cause it's bizarre. I mean, I just, I feel like when people take back their identity after a divorce, they go back all the way. They don't just go, they don't just recess to the previous ex. It's not like that horror movie, what was it called? It follows, you know, like if you get killed, the curse goes to the last person you just had sex with. - Oh, really? I've never even heard of that. It's like a horror movie STD. - Yeah, basically it's like you're cursed and a monster is gonna come after you. And the only way you can, they get rid of the curse is if you have sex with someone, and then the monster goes after that person. But if the monster kills that person, they come back after you again. So basically, Yolanda is like the marital version of it follows. - Follow me, by the way. Follow me, follow me, follow me, follow me, follow me, follow me, follow me. - You know, why are you doubting that I am cursed? Like this is real, how could you say that I just want your, I just want your unconditional support during this curse? - I had sex and had Gigi, and then I was cursed, and little monsters keep coming out of me. It follows, the line follows. It's just like a tick crawling towards her slowly and slowly. And she's like, I tried to have sex with so many men, but the tick keep finding me. - That tick is probably so bored. - Jesus Christ, how many times do I have to pretend to bite you? You know what someone told me in my recap yesterday, and I'm not doing that just to plug my recaps. - You can. - But they're reading them on Snapchat TV. Someone told me on Twitter that Yolanda was never even diagnosed with Lyme efficiently. She was only diagnosed later with chronic Lyme, which you know, as we've discussed, is debatable. Inarguable disease, according to the AMA. So whatever Yolanda, shut up. What was in that folder? That's what I want to know. I just wanted to, why was it not? - It's just all Gigi's headshots. Gigi's headshots, that's all it was. Here is my proof that I have Lyme. Look at their proof. Look how beautiful Gigi is. That's Lyme beauty. You want to prove that a tick made contact with me? Yeah, all of Gigi's contact sheets. Here's Gigi dressed as a maid. Here's Gigi dressed as a secretary. - It's like different kinds of masses. You know those sheets that act as hell? - Yeah, I'm a wacky actor. Look, I'm a woman. - Here's Gigi as a scamp. Here's Gigi as a doctor. Here's Gigi as a librarian. Look, look at the form that Lyme take. (laughing) And then these abandoned pumps like, I don't understand what this, this is a mugshot of Bella. What, how could you say such a thing at this time? I need to just, I can just, - Darling, one minute you're telling us you can't read and the next minute your daughter is a librarian. (laughing) Darling, how can you say you've been to every doctor in the world? You haven't even been to Gigi MD. (laughing) Well, I went to a house, but Malibu couldn't figure it out. - She's just like sitting in her house. (laughing) - Maybe you should hire Gigi the detective to go look into this. - Shot of Gigi looking like all like, law and order SVU. - Her detective code is just naked. - She's always naked in all her shots. What are you modeling, okay? Good genes. - She's everywhere. She's on like every billboard in LA right now. - I know, she's, she is beautiful. - Oh my God. - What a stunner. - They're all beautiful. - Yolanda was beautiful. Someone was posting a picture of her. - Yolanda's still beautiful. Was it Julio? I don't know if it was Julio Iglesias or something, but he was 46 and she was 21. And she was back in the 80s or whatever and she was wearing those big denim parachute pants things. I mean, it was just the outfit was 80s awful, you know? I mean, the 80s just were not kind to anybody outfit wise, but still she was so beautiful. I mean, what a stunner. And even on this show, even in her brown makeup, she's-- - No, Yolanda's gorgeous. That's the thing to do. I mean, she is absolutely beautiful. She has excellent style. Even when she's raiding Gigi's closet and wearing white jeans, she pulls everything off. Even her mom haircut that she has now. She pulls it off, but she's just ridiculous. - She's so beautiful on the outside. - Why don't we just stay on the outside? Isn't that all that matters? Let's just like talk about the way people look. - Let's do it. We could do a whole-- - That's why the ticket's following her. The ticket's like, I don't want to bite you. I just want to tell you, you're beautiful. - I'm a fan. What can I say? I get hungry waiting online for you to come out of the green room. - The tick's like waiting in line at the Burbank Film Festival. He's like, I hear Yolanda's coming this year. - The tickets are tick on the bath mat. - The tick has a starring role in Eileen's next movie. - The tick is judging what Eileen is wearing. - Before Eileen, tick can't win. - The tick has a little cigar and a hat and it's going gambling with Vinny. - Ah, he's wearing one of those visors. - He's like, I would like to film today, but I have been gambled away by the tick. - Sorry. - Yolanda's like, how can I call you a friend when the tick who infected me goes gambling with your husband Eileen? That's not loyalty. Stop labeling the tick. - Why are you not standing up against-- why are you not standing up for me against this tick woman? (laughing) - You are my whole niece. - Anyway, why don't we move on to the Crapins Mailbag. (upbeat music) - Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. - We have re-titled this segment, The Crapins Hadid. (laughing) - Yeah, Hadid Mailbag. (laughing) - By the way, if you are interested in submitting to the Crapins Mailbag, you just have to go to Patreon and make sure you sign up at the Mailbag level. Some people are confused. Yeah, go on over there. And then you can submit in the comments of the Crapins Mailbag post that we put up once a month. Oh, by the way, there is one other item to discuss. By the way, as I start to go into my Australian accent, didn't you wanna talk about Melbourne? - Melbourne? - Did I? Did you want me to talk about Melbourne and how, like, when it's coming back and all that stuff? - Oh, oh, I just sent that in the email to our friend. I'm not really sure. So we have info on this old Melbourne. - The Real Housewives of Melbourne. - This is Real Mailbag stuff now. - Yeah, this is some real shit, you guys. We thought it was gonna be coming back February 21st, which is this Sunday, right? God, this is already the 21st Jesus H. But it's not because apparently Bravo is fighting with NBC about, I don't know, they sold the format to Arena. - No, no, Bravo is fighting with Arena, which is their Bravo, I guess. And they're fighting with them over, format, rights and not money, basically. - Money, money, money. - And so I Googled yesterday 'cause we were tweeted. Why aren't you guys talking about why they're not, you know, this stupid fight? So I Googled the fight and nothing came up. Nothing came up on Melbourne. And so this source told us that because of the fight, Bravo has put a squash on all the blogs, NBC Universal has put a squash on all the blogs, telling them they're not allowed to post about Melbourne and this and that. Are people allowed to do that? I mean, what are you, the president? The president should be allowed to do that either. I mean, you should be able to talk about whatever the fuck you want. That should happen after 9/11 when they were like, "You either, you're either with us or you're a terrorist." And I guess, apparently, the blogs still listen. What blog listens to NBC? - Well, because I guess they're gonna be like, if you, like, if you publicize the situation about Melbourne, then we're not gonna let you interview our stars. - Oh, fuck off. So we won't let you do free commercials for us. - Yeah, exactly. - What do you give anybody? You give people clips that expire in two days. No one can post those 'cause who wants to go back and change every post because you get pissy? You guys are dumb, okay? Melrose, Melrose. Melbourne is great. - Oh my God, the real house has the Melbourne place. Just to see Joe get in a fight with somebody with her. Her bitch photographer asks, "Okay, anyway, I'm getting off." But you know what I mean. - So we don't know when it's coming back, but there's like a big corporate mess going on. So that's that. So that was an unofficial Crava's mailbag question. Okay, so the first one is from Henrisa Bassey. She goes, "Okay, I like how she starts her questions." Okay, okay. - Okay, okay. - Please tell us what a presidency under the following housewives would look like. Okay, we're not gonna do all of these 'cause again, as we explained last time, all of these nested questions, it's like they're getting in the way of everyone else's questions. So please tell us what a presidency under the following housewives would look like, what issues would they champion? And if you have time, what would their campaign still be? So how about Kim Richards as president? - Kim Richards as president. - And Brandy Glanville as vice president. - Okay, Kim Richards as president. Her first, her first debate. - No, I guess she won presidency. Okay, so her first press corps meeting or whatever. They'd be like, "Miss President, Miss President, "what do you think about the war?" She got, "Don't ask the questions. "How come you're asking me stuff? "You don't get to ask me stuff. "I'd be like if I told you secrets. "You want that?" - Stupid, you're disgusting. You're disgusting, Jake Tapper, you're a whore. - She'd be like, "Fold me once, shame on you. "Fold me twice, you're not gonna fool me twice, Kyle." Except the sad thing is that was actually said by our president. - You're either with us or you're with us still. Hey, how come you're so with us? - Hey, how come you're so with us. You guys, maybe Kyle will bring us some food. Gah! - The first thing that I'm gonna do when I get in the office, a little bit big turtles in the White House, chicken salad every Friday for the cabinet, and then also for the people that work for me too, 'cause my cabinet actually needs chicken sauce. It's like a magic cabinet. I got it at Ikea. - Here's my choices for the cabinet. Corn nuts. Popsicles and safety pins. Ty, get on it. - I'm so confused, there's so many burrows in here. I'm like, "How many burrows does a girl need?" I just have my dresser, it's fine. - I keep going into that bureau and looking for the white witch and that little kid always keep chowling and snowy land. They're not there. Who's lying about the bureau? - Then also for president, what about Sheena? I would love to see Sheena as president, 'cause I can see, I think her diplomatic game would be amazing. She'd be like, "Oh my God, North Korea, "I can't believe you've launched missiles "six months for my inauguration." - She'd have big canvas de prince of herself all over the press room. Every time she was on TV, she'd be looking at herself. - Which one of me are you asking to stop her? Which one are you asking me to stop her? - Or say the union would be like, "The Shah of the Union is doing great." Like, you know, like we're working on things and like, you know, like Shay is learning that you can drink a little bit and I think that's gonna be great for the country. - To be and not to be. (laughs) - I like that she-- - That's the question. - I like that she quotes Macbeth. Isn't that what this is? Isn't this a performance? (laughs) She's like, "I can't believe you're doing a filibuster." Like, who does that? - I'm so sick of people calling me a socialist. - Okay. - I do not pull tips. That's like my number one rule. So whatever, marry your own catch-ups. I believe in the right for catch-ups to be able to marry catch-ups. - Listen, I'm sorry that I like to talk with people if that makes me a socialist and fine. - I hope Randy Glamble is everybody's vice president because she's just useful, useless enough to be one. Like, there's nothing. - She's a slap angel and Merkel just for the fun of it. Just those embarrassing shit everyone's in the wild that people report on. - She's like, "Hey, what's up, paralyzed person? "How come you're not standing up "in the standing up, patient?" (laughs) - She has to go to some diner, just like, "We're from publicity." And she's like, "Fuck you, and fuck this diner." Ooh. Oh man, okay. - That was so fun stuff. - Now, the next question is from Lori. Oh, we love Lori, and hopefully we'll see you're on the Hangout tonight 'cause she almost always comes. She says, "You are a kidnapped "and the cast of Vanderpump rules have been asked "to rescue you, who should lead the operation "and who will make it out alive? "More important, what about your chances of survival?" Well, the chances of survival are terrible. We're all going down. - Yeah, we're all gonna die. - Well, Jax did get rescued in record time. - True, would this be like Ransom, like that movie Ransom? I can just imagine Stossie getting in the phone and be like, "Give me back my child, seriously? "Who does that? "Who takes someone's child?" - Kristin, I want 20 million dollars, Kristin. - Ransom, he'd break down on the phone. He'd be like, "Well, I've met you in the draft, "but you weren't there, and I just want you to know "that you made everything to me. "So even though I'm about to shoot your child in the head, "I'm never gonna forget you, Kristin." - Kristin's gonna get on with, like. - Listen guys, I'm really good at negotiating with criminals. Hold on, let me get on the phone with him. (laughs) Seriously? Seriously? Well guys, I tried my best. (laughs) - Look, I kidnapped your kid, okay? But I've already fucked him twice. I'm really sick of him. Like, get your kid off my couch, all right? - Listen, I kidnapped him. We fucked four times. Now we're just great friends. Seriously? Seriously. - Look, you can try and take all of my Ransom money away from me, but you can't take the instillites I gained from marrying your famous son for four minutes and then letting him go again. Your kid's on the park. (grunts) - Maybe James should give it a shot at trying to find someone. You're a stupid, you're a stupid kidnapper. You're just a basic bitch, kidnap. But like, who do you think you are? Just stealing kids, stealing people, stealing podcasts, taking them somewhere? You're just a stupid, ugly kidnapper, just ugly. Go steal someone else who's ugly. Go have a nice life, stealing ugly people. - You either pay me what I'm worth, you basic bitch, or I'm putting you a baby in the pizza oven while I DJ, and we'll see how it cooks. Right, you are. - I like that I'm portraying the van and pump rules kids as if they're trying to save someone, and you're portraying them as if they're the kidnappers. 'Cause they're probably kidnapped, they're probably like, "Who kidnapped Stossie?" And they're like, "Oh, it was me by accident, sorry." They don't realize they're the kidnappers. It's like an old Rebecca DeMourne movie. - I didn't realize I was the villain all alone. - Still went to Rebecca DeMourne. Has she showed up in anything in a really long time? - She was in the wedding crashers. She was in something recently, actually. I saw it, I don't remember what it was, but it was something I was like, "Oh, there's Rebecca DeMourne." - Yeah, she always did it. - She should actually be on Real Housewives. She's totally the perfect demographic. - I think she's too intelligent. And I, look, I know, I know how that sounds, but don't you think? I mean, she's read through so many scripts. - I don't know if there's any evidence that Rebecca DeMourne is any more intelligent that the women that are already on any Real Housewives show. You know that, like, it would be this great, like, name-dropping moment of, you know, Lisa Renee and college shirts would say, "You know, I used to, you know, I used to always, "like, meet Rebecca DeMourne at parties." And we'd say, "How are you?" It was great, back in the day. - Who was the last party we saw each other at? Let me think, David Schwimmer. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That gardener from the hills, wait, wait, wait. (laughing) - Just name-dropping, like, people nobody cares about. - Yeah. - We spent time out folding chairs. (laughing) - Oliver Haskins has a question. He says, "I have questions about the logic "of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Universe, "which seems to differ from that of the real world. "Why was Renee compelled to tell Yolanda "about her munchaus in conversation in the first place? "The inciting event wasn't filmed, "so Yolanda would never have known that Renee engaged, "therefore why would Renee confess? "Excluding producer involvement, "which doesn't exist within the Real Housewives "of Beverly Hills Universe. "Does this make any sense to you? "Is it possible that Renee's hairdresser "was trying to get her to eat a dunkin' donut munchkin "and Renee got confused?" (laughing) - I actually think that what happened was that someone was talking to Lisa Renee and was like, she probably was probably like, "Yolanda, "I think it has munchaus." And Lisa Renee was like, "What's munchausin? "Like this is what it is." And Lisa Renee was like, "Oh my God. "You know, it's possible, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." And then after she had the conversation, she was like, "Fuck, this person's a gossip. "They're probably gonna tell everyone." And then it's gonna get out that Lisa Renee was saying that you had munchausin'. So she's like, "I need to squash this before I..." Like she wants to control the story, you know? She wants to control the message. But she didn't realize she was dealing with Yolanda Hadid and her saying, "Listen, I had this conversation "and it might come back to you that I was saying you had it, "but I didn't, I just was part of this conversation. "I feel really badly about it." So I apologize for that, which Yolanda just heard us her saying, "You have munchausons." - Yeah, I don't think that at all. We differ wildly on this one. I think that Lisa Renee doesn't have much of a personal storyline because Harry won't shoot. And, you know, I mean, the kids don't do anything but sit there and watch her read things off the phone. So I think, but she is entertaining. Like I like her and everything. I'm just saying like storyline-wise, she doesn't have much. So last year, she became fixated on somebody else's storyline, Kim. And this year, she's being fixated on somebody else's storyline, which is Yolanda. But Yolanda's trickier because all the, everybody in the world has been saying Yolanda has munchausons for what, two years. I mean, this is nothing new, but they haven't brought it up on the show yet. And since Lisa Renee is like, "I'm gonna make you own it, Missy." She is the one who has to bring it up. But because she's so afraid of what everybody thinks of her online and Twitter and whatever, she's trying to, she does everything in this nice way. I'm just trying to help that it's passive aggressive. It's totally passive aggressive. She was confronting Yolanda about having munchausons, but not actually taking the fall for saying it. Well, of course she said it, everybody said it. - Well, I actually agree. I think we're both right. I think that she did have probably a conversation. It probably was like a salacious conversation. I do think that she was trying to control the situation. But I think that she also, I mean, she was being, I think she was being sneaky, obviously. And that's what Yolanda's also responding to. 'Cause she goes on camera and it's like, I feel bad. I had this conversation and this is what it means. In a way, she was kind of setting Lisa and Kyle up. She was trying to get them to start chatting about it. That way, Lisa wouldn't, I mean, Lisa Rinna wouldn't have to. So I think what you're saying is right. - It actually wouldn't be on. - I think she's, I think what she's saying, I think what you're saying is right. But I don't think it's mutually exclusive. I mean, yeah, I don't think it's mutually exclusive. - I think they're both-- - Well, I think the thing that freaked out is what you just said because all the ladies who have been talking about it, I mean, duh. So I'm off camera. So when she got on camera, they'd probably been talking about it. Like Yolanda's much as in this is that. And, you know, Kyle is the biggest sh*tster in the world. She's probably like, well, you should bring it up or whatever. I totally believe she did that because I don't think-- - Well, Kyle said no, don't, Kyle said drop it on camera. But that's what I'm saying. I think that off camera, when Lisa's like, well, I have this pulled up on my phone or whatever, Kyle would probably be like, yeah, you know, we should talk about it because that is weird. It's a real disease, you know, talk to her into it. And then when she's, the cameras start rolling and Lisa whips out the phone and starts talking about it. And then Lisa and Kyle pretended, what? Why would you say that? That's awful to say on national TV. Who would do that? And then they left her holding the bag and then she freaked out. I think she's very easily manipulated by people like Kyle because Kyle is very good. If you don't see all of Kyle's side eye and all this stuff, she's kind of good at faking it with people. You don't really know she's the C word until, you know, until you've got some experience with watching it. - See, this is where I think you're like a little bit more of a conspiracy theorist than I am because I don't see it as a whole thing. Like that the three of them had a conversation and they egged on Lisa and then the cameras were on and then they left her in the lurch. I don't see that. But I could see them that they had a conversation. They may have had a conversation about much husbands or whatever. Either way, I think it's totally fine. No matter what, I think it's totally acceptable and fine for them to at least think, entertain the thought that maybe she has much has, you know? - Yeah, well, I think it's very funny that Yolanda is now trying to convince people that she doesn't have a disease. You know, she can't convince people that she does have a disease and she can't convince people that she doesn't have a disease. It's like maybe you should just stop with a disease. - And maybe Yolanda, also maybe she should, like if someone suggests to Yolanda that she might have munchausons, maybe like shouldn't that actually be a good thing if she thinks, oh wow, like maybe I actually have something, maybe something psychological is going on with me. And if I can, maybe if I approach the psychological issue, maybe I can make this go away. That actually should be her response 'cause if she really looked at it, rather than taking it as a personal attack, 'cause when you say you have, I don't think that munchausons is even something that people do like consciously, you know? I don't think it's like something that you actually think, oh. - I don't think she, yeah. - I want people to feel bad for me there for me to do this. I think it's like something that operates that happens on a level really deep that they don't know themselves. - They actually make themselves ill. So munchausons is when you actually make yourself ill. So I don't believe that because I really haven't seen any evidence that she's ill. I mean, there's no, not that she's gonna be showing papers on TV, but at this point, she's made such a big deal out of it and she's making a career out of it. I never believed it because at the beginning, she, when she started the show, David fought, and I'm just repeating something I've already said, so sorry if you've already heard this, but David Foster came out and interviews, like saying how he was gonna let his wife do the show, and people said, why are you gonna let her do this housewife show, that's so cheesy or whatever. And he said, because she has chronic Lyme and it's important, she wants to spin off to help people, you know, understand what it's like to live with this. And so that bitch was looking for a spin off the second she got on the show. She's not doing it to be a part of a cast, which is why she's always trying to shoot alone. You know, this way she also gets to shoot alone. I don't think she has much absence. I think she's a fucking liar, period. I think she's full of shit. And she's a bully and an awful human being. - Well, she did get her boobs removed. She did get her boobs removed, which is a pretty, that's a pretty drastic thing to do if you're completely lying. - Well, her boobs were broken though. - Sure. - They needed to come out anyway. - Yeah, they busted, you know. So she, that had nothing to do with disease. She had to get her boobs removed, but she's still lying around in bed, saying she can't walk and she can't do this and she can't do that. So whatever lady, I'm not buying it. I'm not gonna believe anybody who's saying they're sick when they're putting on brown eye shadow and stage makeup to look like they're a poor person and fiddler on the roof. Nope, not buying it, you're dumb. You're a horrible human being. And after this show-- - Don't you dare sully, that'd be a good goal. - Or it's other people and try and lie basically to other people's face the whole time. I don't believe one thing that woman says. - Yeah. - All right, well, that's, this is a perfect segue out of the crap and smell bag into the real housewives. - Yeah, so that rant, I will just repeat over again at the end of this episode. - Yeah, it's all just gonna be happening over and over again. - It's all right. - So we open, not with Yolanda, thank Jesus 'cause I've already had enough. But we open this real housewives of Beverly Hills episode with Katherine. - Mm, no, please. - You know, I think you'll be-- - Oh, sorry. - No, no, go ahead, go ahead. - I think I was gonna say, as a general note, I think you'll be happy to hear that Katherine is really starting to greet me now. I actually liked her in the beginning, but it just doesn't greet me for what you're probably about to launch into 'cause you really feel like she is conspicuous consumption. I don't have an issue with that, but she is, I feel like Katherine is, she's like not bossy. Why, how do you describe it? The sort of person who just sort of like tells you to do things in certain ways, like you shouldn't do that. You shouldn't say things like that. It's like she sort of is always coming at you. And I feel like this episode, I was like, you know what? I think I've had enough of you, Katherine. I was in your corner and now I'm not. - Katherine has the wide eyes of a stupid person. You know stupid people, how their eyes are always way too wide open. Like you're trying to convince you of something, that's her. And it's not even facial surgery. Her eyes are just too wide open. She's dumb, like in a cartoon, when they get hit on the head with a pan, that's the eyes that they make. Just those dumb, vacant, open eyes. And I think that by bossing people around, she's trying to prove that she's intelligent, but she's always telling you what you should or shouldn't do or feel. And that's actually really annoying to me. I really hate that when people do that. - Well, you know, I'm not anti-stupid people. You know, some people, they can't help it if they don't like to read, but I can't. (laughing) But, you know, the thing that has bothered me about her from the start is still the thing that bothers me about her. And that is just bragging about money that she didn't make. It just makes me cry. Even if you just make it-- - But they all do that. - But they all do that. - Kyle does it. Kyle's another one who does it. All she talks about is her money and her brands and what she got and this and that. And look at my kid's new car and this is Catherine. I do not like this kind of woman. Or this kind of person, I mean, the shows about women, but I just don't like this in a person. I don't even care if they did make the money. It gets on my nerves. This one scene alone are remodeled home. This stone is from Jerusalem. I have a personal chef. This is Calcutta Marvel. It's like, shut up, lady. And you're getting stoned from Jerusalem. That's probably some bomb temple. And there's like Palestinian sighting behind that wall. Jesus. Yeah, I mean, that honestly did not bother me. It really didn't. I don't know. This is just what they have in their life, you know. They just don't have anything else going on. Yeah, but if that was all that they had in their life, it would be a setting and not a topic of every sentence that she utters. By the way, all she talks about is money. I don't like it. By the way, I just want to mention about Calcutta Marvel that Calcutta Marvel is spelled C-A-L-A-C-A-T-T-A. So it's not Calcutta like the city. So when they're talking about like Calcutta is from India, it's-- Calcutta is a city in India, but Calcutta Marvel is not the same spelling. So if you're wondering why there was a discrepancy on the Marvel front, now you know. It's not a discrepancy, darling. Isn't it funny the things that become internet controversies? People have been talking about Marvel. I've never seen more comments about Marvel. It's crazy. And then people are taking sides on it. They're like, Catherine was right about the Marvel. You're dumb. It's like, oh, please. Wikipedia said-- because I had to look it up for a recap. But Wikipedia says that, yeah, what you just said, and that there is Calcutta Marvel in India, but spelled the other way. And they use it in the Taj Mahal and stuff like that. So that's also a kind, but I don't know. There's like so many different cares. Marvel. You know that shit came from like the Home Depot. Ashley furniture is Marvel's section. Totally. She's acting like she's so rich. Really, lady, everything in here looks like it's from the pottery barn, which is not raw stress for less. So I'm giving her some credit. But it's all like this brown kind of coffee colored. You can practically see the staples in the back of the couch. Shut up, lady. I don't believe anything you say either. Yeah, well, I mean, not to skip ahead too much. But it's funny how Lisa Vanderpump apprised the home shoes. You know, it's not grand, but it's comfortable. That's very-- Ooh, wow, slayer. Slamdingo Vanderpump. Dang, girl. And so she, Catherine, has this new fireplace from Jerusalem. And she's telling her personal chef, which, by the way, this guy had a logo of his catering company on his vest. So again, that's not her personal chef. That's some fucking caterer she hired. Shut up, Catherine. So she's telling the guy, well, write your prayer down. You are lit up today, Ronda. You are angry. I am. You are angry. You are angry. You are ranted about these bitches for eight pages. And now we're talking about them again. And so now it's less funny to me. And now I'm mad. I just love money. I love when you go conspiracy theorists on the key on the chef. You're a caterer, by the way. In case you heard your notification go off on my phone about a minute ago, it's because one of our listeners, Chrissy Key, just tweeted at us. She retweeted something that Brandy Glanville just tweeted just moments ago. Brandy Glanville says, I'm on a plane sitting one row apart from the pretty lady suing me. I think we should just have a glass of wine and hug it out, Joanna Krupa. Oh, yeah, wouldn't that be nice for you? Because then you wouldn't know her hundreds of thousands of dollars. Yeah, I'm just nice how Brandy learns manners when she has to actually pay out of her pocket, which is most likely empty by now. Yeah, this is-- that is one flight I'm happy to not be on. No kidding, that's a sound flight, I could miss. That's one Spirit Airways flight. I'm happy to be missing. It's really like a city bus. [LAUGHTER] Oh, god, what a disaster. So Catherine is having people write prayers and put them into the cracks of the fireplace, which, you know, let's hope they catch on fire. OK, so moving on from Catherine, because I need to get over my anger. It's like our Friday, I should be so happy. I don't know why I'm so mad. Next, all the ladies come over. Oh, we're still at this bitch's house. OK, next day, I'm not next day. The ladies all come over for brunch, and she's talking about her infrared sauna. What has that do you, Ben? I don't know. I was like very curious, because these are just like, wow, infrared sauna. I mean, gosh, they're good for you. I don't know how, I don't know why, but they're good. Listen, I've been around a long time, baby. I've seen a lot of saunas, baby. Never seen a saunas infrared. I know what red was before there was infrared in it, OK? I knew red before infrared marriage. Listen, I like all the colors, OK? And for green, and for blue. I like them all. Infrared, those are my favorite. I'll have it. You know, if you go in that sauna, you become a lunatic. It's scary, baby. Whoa, that word is really a harsh word to use about my sauna. But I'm sorry she's a lunatic, devious, evil. You can't say that about my sauna. I like to think those infrared saunas are like those price check things that target. You know, where you know that there's not a price tag on something, so you have to scan it. I like to think that it sees ghosts. Or it sees like they're real faces underneath the surgery. Or sees the price tag of their face. It sees like the price tag that's glued under their face when the doctor put it on. I know. You have to use your Ralph's tag to get a discount. Oh, darling, when your price comes from the outside, you need an infrared scanner. Yes, you can tell people what you're worth. So, yeah, that's when Vanderpump was like, oh, what a comfortable home. Mmm, girl, very quaint. I love a cottage. There were some big blow up swans in the pool. I guess everybody has those now. Yeah, there are swans everywhere. Everywhere, I feel like I'm saying blow up swans everywhere. Swans, if you're not going to buy Kyle, I have no interest for you. Let's let this trend go. No wonder why the black swans hate Hanky. He's being immortalized in balloon form. Next up, Thanksgiving Day Parade. Hanky probably feels like the only person in Beverly Hills who hasn't got a face left yet. He's like, I'm surrounded by plastic blow up dolls. Hanky is basically the least Vanderpump of the swan world. He's like taking off, infiltrating every pool in America. Whatever happened to blow up alligators? You know, that's what I like. An alligator raft. Well, Lisa Vanderpump, like Don Rickles says later. Like an alligator. So I've seen is everybody's already bored at this party because you know that they've had to listen to a whole list of shit that this woman owns. It's like every much of my fireplace. Look at my new carpet. It's from, you know, children in India made it. It's from the Silk Road. They look so bored, especially Kyle. Kyle was her head was tilted on her shoulder like, is someone going to bring up Kim or am I going to have to do this shit myself? Because I don't need to cry. So I lean as she knows when she's bored. It's like, OK, well, you know, I'm going to start some shit. Which was great. I was a cackling during this party. So she's like, wow, what a lovely lunch. So who was the one who-- So I was thinking about it. We never did find out who actually told Yolanda about Lisa and Kyle. That's like, oh, she just puts it out there. Like, and could you please pass the butter, too? And thank you for the 18 wine glasses that you've given me for this meal. Can't wait to see what's next to drinking. Like, you know, I love you. Here's some ice tea. Here's some more butter. I love your Jerusalem-wailing wall, which reminds me. We never got to the bottom of who told Yolanda about Kyle and Lisa. Anyway, oh, I love this goblet. You know who else should be wailing right now? Lisa Rinna, because somebody told you Yolanda that she said that somebody else in Malibu said something. So there's for your wailing wall. Well, Lisa. So wailing wall. Oh, yeah. So then Erica is sick of all this shit already. So she's like, all right, I went to the beach with Yolanda and she asked about the party. And I told her that I heard Lisa and Kyle like having a conversation. That's all I said, so whatever. And then she takes a bite of food. And she's so calm and bored about it. I'm calling it her Siri Horror Voice, because you know how on Siri, you can pick different accents. I have the Australian accent. I just like that there's like an Erica Horror Siri. She's so bored when she has to be around the other women. She's like, yeah. I went to the beach and then I told Yolanda and they turned left and they said, I don't have to ever. She swallowed. And then everyone's silent because she just confessed after all of this. And Lisa just shrugs like, oh, shit. You see there? [LAUGHING] So funny, no one can even yell at her, because she was just so pleasant about it. Yeah, they're like, all right. So Rina starts talking about what she starts. She's like, well, I understand what it's like when you say something on a beach. Because last year, someone attacked me. I'm not going to say their name, but like beaches do. They get in your eye and tell you're bleeding. And then you're like, why'd you hurt me, beach? And I'm not going to say her name, but she's not the human. No, it was because Lisa Rina was talking about eating food. She was like, oh, this is going to last me for three months. This is a lot of food. This is like, I mean, I am already full. And then they started talking about how she doesn't eat, et cetera. And then Lisa Rina, it comes up that she has been personally attacked about having an eating disorder. And it cuts to Kim, accusing her, saying, Kim says, why don't you have a piece of bread? You'll feel better. And what I love about that flashback, though, is it's not just that Kim goes, why don't you have a piece of bread? You'll feel better at you than here. I then go, shame on you. I love when Eileen does that. Old fashioned defenses. Shame on you. You beast. It's so LA, too, that people are like, she told me to have a piece of bread. And see, it's like they walk past every bakery or donut shop. They're just like, that donut shop is attacking me personally. Eileen was more offended, not that Kim Richards was insinuating that Lisa Rina had an eating disorder. She was more upset by the suggestion that a piece of bread would make her feel better. You know, that would plunge her into a depression for five months. But what was funny is-- Know what processed flour does to your brain? I'm going to wash your mouth out with soap, young lady. But the moment was funny is that when Lisa Rina-- when they were saying, oh, who attacked you about having an eating disorder? And Lisa Rina goes, that person? I was like, come on, Lisa. That's Kyle's sister. I don't call her that person. Well, I don't want to talk about her because it sets Kyle. And Kyle's like, you guys just really makes me upset. Because you're talking about my sister. And she's like, yeah, I know it upsets Kyle. So I don't want to talk about Kim Richards and how vile and horrible and awful and disgusting she is as a human being. And Kyle's like, I don't like when you guys call my sister violent, disgusting, and gross, OK? And then she whips out her phone. Good stupid, Kyle. She's like, I'm going on Instagram or whatever. And then she goes away from the table like looking at her stupid phone. What are you going to do on the-- what are you going to text, bitch? Hobusters, get out of here, Kyle. Idiot, go inside. Well, what I loved is actually that even before all that happened, when Kim, the topic of Kim starts coming up, Kyle says in the confessional, she's like, you know, like, when people talk about Kim, it just, you know, it's making me feel defensive. And they cut to Kyle, just sitting there at the table silently. I was like, yeah, look at you. Go on a bat for your sister there. And then she did eventually get up. But yeah, I mean, Lisa Rinna was like, it's like, come on, Lisa, like, you need to-- as much as Kim Richards is the bonkers, you have to dial it back in front of her sister. Well, I don't think so. I mean, Kyle has dragged Kim through the mud for years and profited off of her misery. So Kyle can suck a dick. But Kyle was kind of right, though, when Kyle said, listen, you know, like, Lisa Rinna acts as if she's totally-- like, like, Kim is the only one who contributed the situation. Like, you know, Lisa Rinna is one who also sent that crazy text. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm way on Lisa Rinna's side versus Kim Richards. No, Kyle was hilarious. She's like fuming around the kitchen, just like walking back and forth, which was so funny to me. Like, I'm sure you're that man, Kyle, give me a break. She goes, I could bring up that text. I could bring up that text that Rinna wrote last year. I was scared for Kim, really. You have encouraged Kim to lease multiple cars. And now you're afraid of her? How about the rest of the people on the freeway or the sidewalks? How about fire hydrants? That bit just probably slammed into it. Now you have fear for Kim. Shut up, Kyle. Yeah. Meanwhile, Lisa Rinna just goes off on Kim Richards. She's like, she's a lunatic. She's a lunatic. She's scary. She's scary, baby. I mean, she is scary. So I think because we're about to enter like a different tone. But I think that Lisa Rinna keeps bringing it up. First of all, she's got some weird tick about her. She's got that tick. And she's also got this tick where she just cannot follow the wise words of a beautiful woman that we all know and loved, named Elsa. Let it go. Well, she can't let it go. You know why? No, you know why? Because she has not had a proper time when she's been able to just gloat. Because Lisa Rinna was the first one last season to be like, everyone, like Kim is out of control. She's an addict. She's an addict. And then she got, you know, like Kim and Brandy came for her and everything. And she's like, she's an addict. She's an addict. And they fought on the reunion. And Kim's like, I am not an addict. And then, of course, goes so off the wagon. I mean, like crazy off the wagon. You know, all that, I think all Lisa Rinna wants to do is say, I told you so. That's all she wants to do. She just wants to have a moment. She's like, I told, like, did you see that? I said she was an addict. And she said she wasn't an addict. And you know what she did? She went and she got drunk and got arrested at the Beverly Hilton. And then she tried to chop up from Target. And then she was doing this. Like, she just wants to trot it all out the way we were. But she can't-- or she doesn't think she can, because it's, like, impolite. And so that's why she can't let it go. Because it's like, all she wants to do is just have her moment where people say, Lisa, you are right. You are right. And she can't. So it's just like, it's stuck in her. So it's like leaching out of her in moments like this. And I know this because this is what's happened to me in other cases in life. It's like when you just feel you want that vindication. You want someone to say, hey, you are so right. But like, you don't want to be so immodest to say, hey, remember when that happened? Wasn't that so right? So you want to sort of, like, provoke the conversations that way if someone says, oh, yeah, Kim, you know what Lisa, you were right. That's all she wants. But no one's saying that. So she keeps on bringing it up. I think there's also something about her sensitivity level where she wants people to say, it's not OK that Kim mocked your possible eating disorder. Like, that's OK. But you saying she's an alcoholic is not OK. Like, there seems to be some sense of unfairness with her, like some injustice. But if she doesn't have an eating disorder, it's like, I'm not sure how this is making sense in her brain. But she's brought this up a couple of times. So it obviously really bothered her. I'm sure that she hears it a lot because of the eating disorder. Yeah, because she never does. Well, the difference-- Everybody does make fun of her. Well, the difference is that Lisa Rinna did not-- in my estimation, Lisa Rinna did not accuse Kim Richards of being an addict as an attack. She didn't do it in order to make Kim Richards feel shitty or feel bad and to go after her and to take her down. Whereas Kim Richards made the eating disorder remark in order to take down Lisa Rinna at a peg as, like, her defense. Oh, yeah. So the context is actually quite different. So yeah, speaking of people trying to make other people's issues about themselves-- Let's move on to Katherine again. So Katherine says, I don't like it. You're calling her scary. I mean, scary, you should not be calling an addict scary. She's an addict. Do you think Kim Richards wants to be taking all of the little arts and crafts supplies out of the taller-- She's right, though. She's right. She's right. She's like, she does not want to be taking unfrozen popsicles out of the dollar aisle at Target. Do you think she wants all those Smarties? Do you think she wants all those Smarties? So she's going a little too crazy defending someone she doesn't know. And everybody else is like, shut up. And Erica's over there. She's wearing those thick glasses, but you can still see her rolling rods. She's getting really condescending. She's like, it's Carl's sister. Stop saying it's not-- Katherine, that's not nice. So Katherine is going off. And finally, Aileen, who's like the real digger here, is like, so what's your deal with that addiction? Because I mean, look at you. You're going crazy. [LAUGHTER] Pass the jelly, please. So then Katherine says that her father was an addict, and she doesn't like labels. And I'm like, you just called your father an addict. And he killed himself when she was just 13, which is so, so sad. Oh, terrible. So she goes on about that for a bit, and cries. And meanwhile, Erica's all like-- [MUSIC PLAYING] Oh, Erica. So she starts going on about that. And she's like, well, I think that just because an addict isn't addict, they should still be given a second chance and a third chance and a fourth chance and a fifth chance. I'm like, no, honey. Well, you know Kim's on chance number eight right now, by the way. At least. That woman has had as many lives as illiterate cats, OK? I don't think anyone's-- Yeah. And I don't think anyone's saying that-- I'm sorry to interrupt you, Ronny. But I don't think anyone was saying that Kim doesn't deserve a second chance. They're just saying that she was acting crazy. And the whole thing is when the whole reason why in the 12-step program that you're supposed to make amends and apologize, whatever, is because you weren't acting yourself. And it's not Lisa Rinna's fault. I think if I'm correct, the whole idea behind it is that it's not Lisa Rinna's fault that she has these feelings that Kim is scary, right? Because she was reacting to a different Kim. And that's why you're supposed to make amends, because the normal logic of an argument doesn't make sense, because you're dealing with someone that's sick. And so it's up to that person to say I apologize for-- I was acting in a way that made you go in that place, because I was sick or drunk, whatever you know what I'm saying. I'm like the worst therapist in the world. Because the editors are so funny when Lisa Rinna's like, she is scary. She is terrifying. And then they cut to Lisa Rinna throwing a glass. You're like, who's the scary one here? You're the sober one. But yeah, I think that addiction is a reason for a lot of things. But I do not like when it's used as an excuse. I come from a family of addiction. I've got my own ish as well. It's all over the place where I'm from. And I get it. And I don't-- I have a cadmary cream, bro it down, but you don't just keep-- A second chance is one thing, but a second free pass is different. You don't get to do that. Now that said, I am sick of Rinna bringing it up as well. I'm sick of hearing it. Who cares? Like some unstable drunk was mean to you at dinner. So what? Get over it, lady. You were confronting her about her addiction on national television over and over and over, like-- I just deserved it. You know what? She just wants-- she just wants some credit. That's all she wants. And honestly, enough, I want her to have that credit. I actually am waiting for her to get the credit. And so I'm actually OK with her bringing it up. I'm also OK with her bringing it up because I always think it's hilarious whenever she does. Because she's always like, well, that woman-- she is like a rapid raccoon on a treadmill. OK? That's scary. I'm going to figure out who told somebody that I said something that they said that I heard from somebody else that was chattering. It was just chattering. Over and over. This scene does end beautifully, though, because of course, everybody softens the minute somebody starts crying. They're like, OK, sorry, we're fighting. Let's just make up. When Lisa and Kyle finally come back out, Kyle is inside fuming and pacing around. And Lisa is-- say what you want about Vanderpump, but she is loyal to her friends. She follows Kyle in. And even though she's probably bored and wants to go to take an app or something, she's watching Kyle like, oh, darling, poke him. Or whatever. And then Kyle's standing at the window looking outside like a dog waiting for its owner to come home. Like, so confused, so mad she can't be outside. So finally, they go out because Lisa says, I think she's standing up for you, darling. Look, she's yelling. So they go outside and they call over. Like, she's just like, you know, hugs the croissant that she didn't get to finish. God bless. And Lisa goes, oh, people are crying, man. All right, what do we miss? Come on, I want to miss things. And Erica, bored as hell, filled her Siri whore voice. It's like, well, Catherine got really upset because her dad killed herself when he was 13. And we're going to get upset because it's scary. Then we decided the words were OK. Everything's fine. Just eat your croissant. [LAUGHTER] So funny. Yeah, that's pretty much what happened. Erica's hilarious. She's evil. She is. And I stand behind that. We'll see it soon, but she's evil, but hilarious evil. Yeah. All right, so we're going to be here for 10 hours if we keep talking about these scenes for so long. So sorry. But man, whenever it comes-- It's a juicy episode. It's a juicy episode. And there really was. It was a good episode. It's a juicy episode. We'll go quickly over the other shows. All right, so the next is Erica, Lisa, and Don. Oh, my god. The early bird special, Double Date. Yeah. Don? Oh, Don Rickles. I'm sorry. I call Erica's husband Don Rickles. If you don't know what I mean, Google him. I thought you were making a reference to the fact that he looks sort of like Don from Real House as of Orange County. Dan. He does look like Don, and maybe, I don't know, five years. I was going to say 20 years, but Don's no spring chicken, either. He actually looks exactly like a mixture of Don Rickles and Mel Brooks. Yes, he does. As we all do, I think once we hit 80, don't we? I think there's three types you look like when you're a man and you hit 80, you look like three different people. It's that, or like Walter Mathau, or-- I don't know, who's another one. Like what's a really skinny one? The guy from On Golden Pond. What was his name? Henry Fonda? Yeah, Henry Fonda. So they're going on this older couple double date thing in Pasadena, which poor Ken looked like he couldn't even walk after he got out of the car. Can you not have to sit in the car for three hours to get someplace, OK? I know. That's a long drive for those poor people. So Vanderfront gets to meet Don Rickles and see this tacky ass mansion. And Lisa walking through the mansion was cracking. She's like, can I have a tour, darling? Oh, look at this. Oh, there you are. It's a giant picture of you, isn't it? Like, yeah. Oh, but it's not wonderful. Is this a church, darling? Can you build this in here? Well, it's a little church, but it's a little church, darling. I bet she's doing a little, you know, Humpty Dumpty in the churchy word. She thinks it's like so, because it's like old school, or old school, or old school. And Lisa refuses to go in the church. Yeah. She's like, did you build this yourself? Don't stay out here, darling. I'll just be standing right here at the door. But the good part comes when they go to dinner at wherever, P.F. Chang's, wherever. And Chaya. Erica is like a little teenager at the table, trying to shock everybody at all times. Right. And when they got an act, they said, "Bitch and see where my favorite words." And then we see grumpy ass old Don Rickles. Shut up, Erica. I'm quiet down over there. Go to your room. Excuse me. I'm talking. Oh, yeah. He cut her off a couple of times. It just showed pure grumpy old man anger, you know? Like a pure smile on his face. And then, oh, Erica, shut up. I think it's also like lawyer. He's presenting his case and he does not want to be interrupted. Yeah. Especially when his case is about how amazing Lisa Vanderpump is. Dying. Yeah. That guy fell in love. Yeah. He's like, you got the looks. You got the smarts. Your hot as shit. I kind of want to fuck you right now. You know what you're like? An alligator. I want to just put you on my shirt right above my boob. Oh, Lisa can't go to a PF Chang's and I ordered the Tuna Tartar. What if they have that PF Chang's? Wouldn't that be funny? Yeah. On the Tuna Tartar. What she literally did. She's doing some market research. I got a sea of Chef Penny's Tuna Tartar is up the snuff. How much parsley is on this Tuna Tartar? Time will tell. Do you happen to have any salmon moose? No, Chef Penny will really see what she's up against out there. All right, what different kinds of cheese have they turned into balls and fried? I bet they don't have a cheese and polatta. Croquettes, do you have any croquettes? Not the sport. Get those sticks out of my face, darling. So she doesn't know whether she's going to order the Tuna Tartar or the chicken. And Tom's like, oh, she has my chicken with you. Well, I don't know why he's talking like Adrian Maloof. Oh, yeah, she was on the episode too. So he offers to share the chicken. And Lisa's like, darling, Erica, you're going to be jealous if I share the chicken with your husband. And Erica goes, oh, it's only the jewelry. If you share my jewelry, I'd be upset. It's like, wow, way to make jokes about being a trophy wife at a couple's dinner. Yup, moron. Don fell in love. And he's like, Erica kept trying to bring up stupid Yolanda stuff. And Lisa just stays calm and says, well, Yolanda does plaster it all over the Instagram-- Instagrammy awards, darling. So, you know, that's why people are so excited for her. You know, they're just trying to congratulate her, darling, on her 14-disease wins. And Erica's trying to stand up. But then Don keeps changing the subject, too. Well, Lisa, let me tell you. You're beautiful. You're charming. OK, let me put it this way. And I don't mean this looks wise. But you're like an alligator on a beach. Just laying there, stomach hanging out. Not here in the world. Eating deer. And then you chop someone's leg off with your bare teeth. I love that in a woman. You're a formidable opponent. And she leans over the table and goes, you find me formidable, darling. Damn. I mean, this was crazy. Both of their spouses should be jealous, because that was some odd, flaccet heat. No, Ken-- I'm sure Ken didn't care. Ken's seen this happen a million times, because he knows that his wife will just flirt with these guys, shoot him up, and she'll always come back to him. So he likes it. Yeah, at the end of the day, Don Rickles is not going to wear matching clothes as the dog. So Kim's job is safe for a while. Alligator. You ever see Babar? You ever see those alligators and Babar? That's what you are. Just a hot, Babar alligator. Well, well, I love that book. Shut up, Babar! Dumb elephant, just shut up, you stupid drunk. By the way, you know what's funny? I think about this surprisingly more than I would like to admit. But do you ever notice how cartoon alligators are always so adorable? Whereas the real alligators are so disgusting? Why do they make real alligators look so adorable in cartoon? Well, it's like a cartoon baby. I mean, do you see cartoon babies shitting all over people, making their house dink, ruining their life, and giving them terrible haircuts? No, but you see it in real life all the time. On TV, they're all adorable, and they sing. The cartoon alligators are like one of the cutest cartoon expressions of an animal. And don't get me started on a stuffed alligator. There's a reason why Snooki loved hers. Stuffed alligators or crocodiles are adorable. Snooki just appreciated it. Nice, the nice, strong jaws. Now that guy can take down the dominoism, am I right? Anyway, moving on to speaking of alligators who look more adorable on television than in real life. Let's go to lunch with Kyle and Adrien Maloof. Yeah. Fucking Adrien Maloof. I thought it was hilarious that they were both resting eggplant after you told me that an eggplant emoji means a boner. Because neither one of those girls given anybody a boner, you're walking around dressed like an emoji that you can't achieve. Well, what, really? What I love about the scene is like, what is Adrien Maloof doing here? And then after about two minutes just, well, you know, Paul and I are working on a skincare line. I'm like, oh, that's why she's here. Why would anybody buy skin cream from a woman who looks like-- I mean, she makes you face look like hair tassels. She looks like if you crashed a lava lamp onto the floor and that gel just kind of blobbed out and laid there. I mean, that's-- I ain't getting a face look from you. I wouldn't get a-- no, I wouldn't get a face look from her, either. And why is Paul talking to her? She accused him of being an abuser and a child abuser two years ago. Did he forget that? Money talks, you know? Jesus. Listen, if Brandy and Dranicrupa can bury the hatchet off on a plane, I'm sure that these two could figure something out. Dranicrupa is not burying that hatchet. She's going to pay her mortgage with that shit this year. Meanwhile, everyone on the plane is like, what is that smell? Tuna tartar. Funny that happened right when we were about to get to the tuna tartar scene. Yeah, it is funny. Dranicrupa smells like the time that Penny was testing all the different tuna tartars had left a whole batch of it on the kitchen table. Oh, darling. Who brought the-- Who brought the tuna salad into tortoise class? Who did that? It's just Dranicrupa. Oh, you're way mad. So I don't even want to go into this scene. It's Adrian selling shit and Kyle is selling shit. And of course, in Kyle's case, it's like trying to get insta-likes for her sister's addiction. Shut up about Kim already, lady who doesn't want to talk about Kim on TV anymore, you know? Jesus. For somebody who doesn't want to talk about it anymore, she sort of like plays that hand every single round. Mm-hmm. Kyle, you idiot. So then Rina has a scene with her daughter-- or her daughters-- where she's reading poems written by her attic sister who died when she was, I think, three years old or six years old or something. And that was really sad. I don't have anything to say about that to you. No, except it felt a little bit like it was her being like, no, I am empathetic to addiction. But you know, it's good. I have a family member who died of addiction. I know what I'm talking about. I was three. Something interesting that she did read a lot, though. One line from that that she read aloud was-- it was more poetic than me because it was a poem. But something about if I need your help, I'll come to it. I'll come to get it. And Lisa was like, that is so profound because no one waited for Kim to need her help. She just did it. I don't know. It was some profound to Kim thing. But at the same time, didn't the woman die of an overdose? So I don't really think that that poetry works in this situation. And I'm not even saying that to be a dick. I'm just saying in the context that it was stated, it made me think, oh, she's talking about Kim. Like, when Kim needs your help, she'll ask. But yeah, sometimes people don't ask for help. They just go too far. Sad. Sad. Cartoon alligators. Cartoon alligators. Cartoon alligators. Adrian Malous face. Bring back the alligator from that game that's on iOS. Who threw this bowling ball into the fireplace, darling? So Erica is going to have-- or Erica, I guess we get to the barbecue now, right? I think so. I stopped taking notes of this because I got so fuming when I was writing the recap. The rest of it is just pages and pages of insults towards your lumbas. Well, yeah, I know. So it's funny because you know I don't take a lot of notes on Beverly Hills since you do the recap. And so I let you sort of drive it. But I actually was getting so incense that I was writing notes. But I don't have step-by-step notes, but all I do-- so from what I remember, first of all, Erica's dog is named Tiago, which is she named her dog after my favorite coffee shop in LA, which made me happy. But I was amused because she has her glam squad come over, her glam squad, to make her look like whatever she's going to look like for this barbecue. And I just was laughing at these gays because they were like, who's the fairestest bitch of them all? It's you, Erica. And they're just like fawning over her. I was like, these sad, sad gays. Not sad because it's Erica, just sad because it's like-- I mean, their life is just fawning over people. Well, it's fawning over rich people. Fawning over people with blow-up dolls that they can put hairspray on and vagina glue or whatever the hell she was spraying on herself last week. And then they get paid to stand around and tell her how fabulous she is. And she knows it. That's why she pays them. Exactly. And they're just like, we love you. Oh, my god. You look great. You're the best. You're so wonderful. You're amazing, Erica. You're not going to have a half-town. That's amazing, Erica. You look fierce. And then-- You stop saying fierce, everybody. Stop it. Let it go, OK? And then my favorite part, though, is that then when this barbecue carnival starts and Erica's real friends show up, she's like, hi, hi, hi. And they cut to her main gay sitting on a chair alone and all sad. I was like, yep, that's what happens. That shows you where you are in the backing order. She probably made him clock out before that. My friends are here. Clock out the boss. So the funny thing is, we have our customary scenes of the women carpooling in limos on the way to this thing. And so Yolanda gets in. And this is where Yolanda, she's wearing all white, of course. And like, oh, who is in the car with her? Who is saying, like, I think Yolanda's going to wear jeans. So it was the car I was like, I figure you'll wear it. But now you wear something I've never seen before. She's like, oh, I just took this out of Gigi's closet. I'm like, stop humble bragging that you and Gigi are the same size. Well, that was not-- that was a very loose shirt. It's not like a fitting shirt. And Yolanda still does look fabulous for someone. She looks fabulous, of course. Of course. She may not be able to walk, but she can still do Pilates five times a day, god damn it. She looks amazing. But yeah, she's like, oh, this is-- you know, Gigi, the famous one. Oh, this FaceTime right now. But she was still wearing those fucking white jeans. Well-- Joe, every day. You know, I have some white jeans, and I'm going to wear them soon. So just be ready. But-- You don't wear them every day for years on end. Wash them. That's not a trademark. You're not Mickey Mouse. You don't just wear the same thing every-- you're not a car-- well, I mean, we're talking about Yolanda. I do wear the same thing every day. So-- so in the limo-- so now, again, Yolanda is-- she's mad. She's mad about Lisa Rina, the whole situation. And so the Yolanda-- Yolanda says-- she's like, you know, she was-- I could clearly label her on several bipolar, but I would never do that. I was like, you're such a shady bitch. I'm so shady. But she's not even-- she's like that really-- she's like that Charlie Brown tree. You know, the Charlie Brown Christmas tree that's like the most pathetic tree on the lot, because she can't even give shade properly. It's like, you're a goddamn tree. You can't even give shade woman, because it's five seconds after she says, even Rina saying to what, much housing, that puts it into the universe. And that is not cool. Right. Well, that-- exactly. And that's why-- You're such a hypocrite lady. Yeah, and that's why it was so ridiculous. And that's why-- I don't know if I was the worst, but she's coming up close. But that's why I was also really like snapping my fingers, like, yes, when Lisa Rina was like, you know, my issue with Yolanda is that she's righteous. You know, she's-- it's not that she says this or that. It's that she's so righteous about. I was like, yes, that's exactly the problem. Yeah, and also, Yolanda's totally full of shit. So Rina is talking with Eileen. And they're-- Eileen, of course, a big old pot with a wooden spoon. She's stirring shit in. She's like, well, I spoke with Yolanda. And she's just very upset about the much-housens conversation. And blah, blah, blah, it starts telling her. So Rina's getting all lamped. And then Eileen's like waiting to watch a big fight while she eats a rib sandwich. And then Kyle's ready to watch a huge fight. And Yolanda's ready to yell at somebody. So I'm like, oh my god, this is going to be amazing. So we get to this Beverly Hillbillies party, which only somebody from Pasadena would throw. Like, no one at Beverly Hillbill-- no one at Beverly Hills is going to throw that party party. But yeah, it's like, oh, Beverly Hillbillies, who get it? Yeah, and meanwhile, there's like a gaggle of like hot, beautiful gay guys in the pool, like a petting zoo. Yeah, they're just like playing with beach balls and stuff. And everyone else, like all the adults are just ignoring them. The only one who actually is paying any attention to them is Donnie Edwards, who's like, I kind of want to get in the pool. Oh, I wish you had. Literally. Oh, yeah. So Erica has all these fair games set up. And I thought this was really interesting, because she was pretending to be friends with Kyle and Team Kyle and this and that. But even after standing up for Kim Richards, why would you theme your party based on Target? What? Who does that? There's literally targets everywhere. Then the employees all have to wear khaki dockers and red shirts like they do in Target. Then they've got Yolanda. I mean, this show is so crazy. They've got Yolanda throwing bean bags at cans. I'm like, Yolanda, you just broke your cans. Why are you throwing bean bags at cans? The irony on this show was killing me. I'm surprised that Yolanda did not make a big deal about the fact that this has been the first time I throw bean bag in 18 months. Listen, weight loss drugs and GLP ones are all anybody's talking about right now. They're everywhere. But it's confusing to figure out how to get them. But it doesn't have to be. 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Oh, you want a munchy tongue, see what is this word? Don't even say this word, our stupid word, munchy cotton. Yeah. You don't know the word "munch" housing. And she's on this whole rampage that, like, when Lisa Rina told me about "munchhouse," I thought, like, I had no idea what it was. But then when I looked up with Daisy, my health advocate, advocate, Colgar, I was like, oh, this is absolutely ridiculous. I was like-- I don't know. You make-- have you make read this definition? Daisy read it to me. Well, glad she's earning that $200 an hour somehow. Yeah. Because that's how much that old sugar whole cost. It's on her website, $200 an hour to read from Wikipedia. So Yolanda is mad. She's ready to yell at somebody. But everybody-- people on this show are faker than every other show with each other. And it cracks me up every time. They're like, hi. Hi, honey. And they all kiss each other. Yolanda's kissing Vanderpump. Then Yolanda and Rina hug and kiss. Like, hi, hi. It's like a pre-- it's like a pre-battle, you know. Kiss. And then Yolanda comes over to Eileen and Kyle and Rina, I think, who were talking on these sun chair things. She comes over and she's like, hello. And then Kyle's like, whoa, I'm really hungry. Anybody else hungry? Mm, smell that. OK. OK. Yolanda's like, oh, me too. I love to eat, which is such a lie. So she gets up and files Kyle. Because that bitch is too scared to have the confrontation without somebody there fighting for her. She's always been like that, and she's not going to do it in this episode. So Eileen gives her this look like, get a load of that bitch, which was hilarious. Did you catch that look? Yes. Died. Love it. So Rina's like, well, I'm not hungry yet. Which way to combat those rumors? You know, I will not eat with everybody else. But I do need to talk to Yolanda. Eileen's like, yeah, you probably should. Do it now. Do it now. Go do it. Go do it. Go do it. Go do it. What are you going to say? No, I'm just saying Eileen is just having a great time. This lately, she's just like, yeah, you should say something. Say something. Go for it. Yeah. So Rina goes over to the picnic table, and she says, Yolanda, I think we should have a talk. Or do you want to talk? OK, then why don't we have everybody come over to talk? Erika. Yeah, come over here to talk. And meanwhile, one of my favorite parts is that the camera cuts over to Ken and Donnie sitting on lawn chairs. Ken is bored out of his mind, as Donnie is saying. I'm not a fan. I'm a player. That's all he says. And go like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My wife's an alligator. You tell your dressing like your dog I have no interest in you. All right, we have nothing in common. There's quiet over there, Donnie. [LAUGHTER] Ooh. It's like fleshroom being the pool. I'll be cleaning the side of the pool to at least talk to her friends, all right? So Yolanda calls back-- calls for backup. And the Erika cops show up. And Erika has these big dicks in the middle of the table. Erika kills me. Everything in her house is dick shaped. So she's got these big dick things in the middle of the table. I don't know why I wrote that down. So Yolanda is like, oh, you want to talk OK? And then Lisa starts in typical Lisa fashion. Yolanda, I just wanted to say, first of all, we all love you. We love you so much. All we want is for you to get better. Yum, yum, yum. Goodness in your time. That's what we want, OK, Yolanda? OK, baby. I mean, the amount of love that we have for you is scary. We're like lunatics of love for you right now. It's scary. I've been around a long time, baby. I've seen a lot of love, OK? Like, I remember partying in 1991 at the older sister from Alph's house. And we were talking about Yolanda Hadid. And we're like, we love her, OK? It's crazy. Whoa, whoa, whoa. We are so in love with you. If it was summer, you wouldn't even know it because you are surrounded by fans right now, OK? And we're all turned on. For you, baby. I want our love, baby. Hey, baby, this is like the worst tennis game in the history of tennis. It's just all love. OK, baby. And Yolanda's sitting there, creasing her brown eye shadowed. Her shadowed, her sick makeup face at Rinna, like, oh, yes. Do telling me. And so Rinna just keeps blabbing on and on. And then she goes, now, I don't understand why I went all the way to your home and spoke with you and told you, and then you got mad after. Why were you mad after? I already talked to you, baby. And then-- [LAUGHING] I talked to you, baby. It was scary how much I talked to you. I was like a lunatic. So Yolanda, what did she say? She's like, I just want an explanation. She goes, oh, really? Oh, really? You need explanation from me, eh? Oh, get a load of this chicken, eh? You need a load. You need explanation. Why should I be the one to explain myself? When you the one who-- No, no, no, this is what she said. No, because what Lisa Rinna was saying was, you know, I thought everything was fine. And then you go tell other people that you have an issue with me, and I wish you would have called me to tell me what your issue is. Oh, now I have to call you. I have to call you. Yolanda was, by the way, totally deranged and bonkers during this entire fight. She was not listening to anything. She was doing that annoying thing, where you hear a scrap of something, and then just take it and run with it without the context of the rest of the sentence. And this is what she learned from Brandy. Because all of a sudden, she's like, any inroads that she can make, anything she can hang on to, to just use it as an attack, she would. She's like, oh, the labeling, now you're labeling me now. And now you say, no one's labeling you. She's like, sorry, it's not enough. You know, that's what Brandy did. She'd just say, sorry. And then she'd just do something to be like, sorry. I'm like, this is 100% different than Brandy. Like, what are you talking about? This woman went, made a trip to your home to apologize to you and made a whole thing of it. No, not enough. - Her entire storyline has been saying sorry to you. - Yeah. - Like, that's literally been her whole story line this year. - Yeah, yeah. - I just, I wrote my original title for the recap of "Adro Keating Me's." - Because I just died when she said that. - "Adro Keating Me's." And she kept saying, sorry is not enough. You know, for someone who's married to a multiple Grammy winner and bragged about knowing everybody in the music industry, you'd think this bitch would melt out in John at least one time. I mean, sorry seems to be the hardest word, Yolanda. Okay, it's not easy. She's like, this is not enough. - Yeah, she's not outward, it is easy. You know what is hard? Picking up a phone. This is hard. You want me to pick a phone and then my arm fall off. Arm line, phone line. - And when she starts doing that annoying reality show trope about the labeling. Now you labeling, that's what you do. That's what you label. You label in G labels. You can't label. I mean, maybe it's because you bipolar. Maybe that's why, but you're labeling. - I'm like double labels. You are so confusing by labeling, nobody knows how much coffee costs. (laughing) - I don't understand calories and calories from fat, okay? Your labels make no sense to me. - So Catherine taught labels for her entire scene. Yolanda's talking labels. - Labels are her entire scene. All these people obsessed over on this entire show are labels and now they're offended by labels. - The flimsiest thing in reality show history is when people talk about labels, I still don't understand what the problem is. Like you're labeling, you're labeling. - Yolanda gave me the, almost gave us the biggest present when she was like, do you want me to read what Munch and Flautazar and look them up on the internet? - And I was like, please read anything. I don't even care what you read. - You can read a bell pack. You can read an entire phone book. I don't care, read something, please. I need to laugh. - So she puts on her and everyone's like, no Yolanda, no one thinks you have it. - Yes, yes you do it. Okay, here's what Munch and Flautazar, they are world tacos that are occasionally dipped in the sour cream and the salsa while you eat them. Who says this about someone's kids, right? (laughing) - Yeah, she's like, wait, now hold on one moment. I just got to Google a lot about Gigi. She's doing something amazing. Everyone come look at it. Wait, no, don't. Munch has since I'm gonna read about this. So anyway, the other one was saying how she's dating the week. No, no, no, I'm off time. Munch has since. Anyway, but then she reads like the worst definition of all time. It's like, you know, when you have been abusing your children, how could you say I've been abusing my children? And they're like, no. - You're just reading Munchausen by proxy. - She was not what anybody accused her of. Every, the word that was brought up was Munchausen. Munchausen by proxy is when you purposely make your children sick so you can get attention, which I don't think her children are sick either. - No, but she's never made anybody sick. These Munchausen terms are so stupid 'cause none of them fit, but then she kept on saying that Lisa Rena accused her of having Munchausen. Lisa was like, no, I'm just saying that someone was saying it and I engage and I felt bad. And she's like, you accused me. You accused me of Munchausen. And she's like, no, I did not. She's like, oh, so now you're just a messenger? She's like, yes. - Oh, go to eyelash shot, a post person, okay? That's just who's dead. - You know who else is a Munchausen? A tick for lime messenger, I mean. - You said I was one of those little tiny people in the beginning of the Wizard of Oz, I dare you. (laughing) - So she's reading Munchausen by proxy and everybody at the table goes, no, no, no. Like at one time, because she's so wrong. And then the only one she looks at is Vanderpump, of course, because it always comes back to Vanderpump. She's been trying this shit since day one. Bitch, you are not gonna bring Vanderpump down. Stop trying, okay? - So she tries again, she goes, how dare you stand up for this woman against your homies? - You're a moron. And this is like darling, look, no one's saying that. Look, if you want, let's be honest, what people are saying, are that that inconsistency is darling. I mean, one minute, last year you throw a party around Beverly Hills where we have to run for an entire day. And then you say you haven't run for three years. - And Yolanda's answers, oh, you know why I did that? Because every day, I hope it's the day that I can walk again. I'm like, are you kidding? You're not just a thing, you can't walk. Who wrote your ass in here? - That was, to me, that was the craziest thing. And Lisa's is like, I mean, Lisa, Vanderpump is like, no, but don't you understand that we're happy that you're able to run around. And we had a fun time at that party, but when you say you haven't walked in a year, do you see why that makes people say these things? And she's like, well, I put that out there. I want people to talk about it. Well, then they're talking about it, but not my friends. I was like, oh, it's Jesus. - So self-serving. - I want people to talk about it. You know that day was the first time I had a Jelly Belly in 20 years, okay? - Oh, God. - Shut up. - Yolanda. - Yolanda. - We just saw you have a Jelly Belly. - Well, I had a, you know, 'cause every day, we were popping up, I can have a Jelly Belly, but then Daisy says, no. So I don't. - It's been nine years since I had a rib. - We just saw you eat a rib. - No, you didn't. Stop calling me char poisoner! - Oh my God. And then Erica starts screaming at Lisa Rinna. She's like, who told you, who told you? - She's screaming, the gays in the pool are scandalized. Like, oh my God. - Oh my God, Erica's ducking someone's pay you guys. Oh my God, that's fierce. Okay, let's head underwater and see if we can hear each other talk. - It was just so funny, like, the way the gays were portrayed in this scene. They're just like, they truly portrayed as these, like, young, like, mid-summer night-stream spirits, you know? And it's like, oh no, the gays are sad. It's like those fairies in, the fairies in, like, story tales where, like, some sad princess goes into the forest and then there's all these fairies around her in the trees. Like, you okay, hon? You okay, hon? You're fabulous, Cinderella. - So those gays were hilarious. Also, those bodies, I mean, cheese. - Oh, yeah, I know those bodies. Amazing. - Stunning. Stunning boys. - I didn't even do that. I mean, how much do you have? Those washboard apps, you could really clean clothes on those. Those are legit. - Why do I keep eating these Cadbury cream eggs? I want to be, like, the gays in the pool. You know, I make fun of them just because I want to be them. - Oh, I don't necessarily want to be them. I do want to fuck them. I don't need to be that, though. I do not enjoy working out and there's no way I'm working out that much. That's insane. But you guys are hot. I hope a lot of people masturbate to you. Good job over there. - Good job. - Have fun, honey. - Fair. - So, yeah, Erica's trying to get Lisa to say who was the one starting this chatter in the first place where I'm going to say, it's not fair, okay? Because they're not here, so I can't do that. It's not fair. And she's, Erica goes, "Thank you, thank you." - Yeah, and I love, by the way, these women are the biggest advocates of, like, how could you be talking about me behind my back when I wasn't there to defend it? When I wasn't there to defend it, then now they're like, "Oh, no, say it." "Outer, outer." Which, huh? If anybody had told you'll want to fuck you, we'd still be hearing about it. - Oh, this disgusting woman who made Cosver that to me. Oh, this woman should not speak like this. - But now that it's like one of her attack dogs, she's always fine with the fuck you coming from someone else. - I know, Yolanda's like, "I can't believe she'll tell Gigi to fuck herself." Like, no one said that. No, when you speak to me, you speak to Gigi. - And the other one, the other one. - So they're all basically yelling at Yolanda in a nice way, like, "Darling, no one thinks this of you. Just stop it already." And then nothing's resolved. Rina looks like she's just going to go drown herself. And then Eileen goes, "Guys, you know what we need." Well, I think we all just need a hug. At the end of the day, I think that we need to stand up and say, "Let's let it go and give each other a hug." I'm like, "Okay." (laughing) "They all get up and hug, what the hell?" 'Cause they all, they agree that from now on, they're, you know, they have one of these, like, photo resolutions where they're like, "Listen, we all love you, Yolanda. And we all want to support you. And, you know, we're starting for this. It's unconditional love from this point on. Now let's hug. Lisa Rina's like, "I love what Lisa Rina and the confessional is like, it's like a band-aid and blood's going everywhere." I mean, scary. It has blood everywhere, baby. And then they cut to her in real life and she's like, "I don't want to let go. I just don't want to let go." I'm like, "Oh my God, you're so fake." But I love it. I love her fakery. You know, there's some people when they're fake. - You think under the rug, you know. And it's like if I've eaten a piece of bread, I feel like I'm bleeding inside, okay? I'm bleeding inside. My stomach's going to fall out. I'm going to die. And that person is sick. And so is Yolanda. I'm like, "Oh my God, never letting anything go ever." - Well, I, for some reason, you know, there's some people on reality TV, when they're fake, I'm like, "Fuck them. They're so fake. I hate them, drugs me nuts." And there's some people when they're fake, I think it's the funniest thing ever. And Lisa, when she's fake, I'm like, I just crack up. I love it. - I think it's funny because Lisa is fake until she's not. And when she's throwing a glass and trying to strangle the turkey. - Yeah, well that's good when West Valley is for you, even though she's Morgan. (laughing) - Okay, so moving on. Why don't we do our Beverly Hills palette cleanser known as newlyweds. - The first year. - You need a haircut. Do I need a haircut? I do, you do. But you like when I'm dirty. - I do like when you're dirty. - I'm dirty, you're dirty. - Brandon, I don't understand the eye cow. Why is it empty? Keep on looking. I see numbers. Those are the dates. Oh, oh, Brandon. What's, I don't understand what's happening. Look, just look closer. This is New York. What's happening with, is New York coming here? No, no, we're going to New York. Brandon. - And guess what? - What? - Crystal's gonna be there too. - Crystal! (laughing) Oh my God, Crystal. (laughing) - Crystal's gonna be in New York. (laughing) - You know what's funny? I always call Crystal my big apple. (laughing) - He just goes running out of the apartment and his leopards getting undies. - Crystal's gonna be in New York. - I'm gonna say Crystal, everybody. - I'm gonna stand on the top of the Empire State building and just shout, Crystal! ♪ The tide is high but I'm holding on ♪ ♪ I'm gonna be Crystal's number one ♪ ♪ Number one ♪ (laughing) - That was hilarious. Those two were so funny. - I love them. They are really adorable. - Brandon, you've never seen me sing her dance before and I was on Broadway. He's like, yeah, you want to Broadway and I've never even seen you sing her dance. - These two are like just the yes couple. They're not even yes ambed. They're just yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Just repeat, repeat, repeat. (laughing) - Oh, yeah, so the big story with Brandon and Craig is that they went to New York City to sell, right? Oh, because Craig showed a modicum of responsibility and taken care of Brandon. Brandon rewarded him with a trip to New York so they could go to Broadway and stuff and all that fun stuff, which is nice. And of course, Crystal. - Remember how you left the stove on when I was dying on the couch? Well, it could have set the house on fire but it ended up keeping me warm at night. So I'm taking you to New York. - You know, it was so nice when you got me that throat pillow to put behind my back. So in return, I'm going to take you to New York. (laughing) So they go to New York and then like Craig is, by the way, a haircut look great. I want to say a haircut look great. But so Brandon's bringing Craig all around or Craig's bringing Brandon all around. He's like, see that door? That was the door he used to walk out of. And oh, there's that diner and that diner is that time where I saw your ephron walking by in the window. Oh, look, over there I once saw Dipper messing over by that bus stop. (laughing) He's like, who's who and what's what, of 43th Street? - Every time I see a horse, I think if these horses carrying people around in the streets, Brandon, now you see it. This is the curb where I used to always catch a taxi from. Sometimes, if my nets feel really small, I would stand on these grates and just let the subway or come up and warm them. And they drop every time Brandon. - You know who loves this block? Crystal, oh my God. Crystal and I used to always walk up this block. Oh, and you know who loves this block? Crystal also, she loves both of these blocks. Wait, wait, let's go to this block. This is also Crystal's favorite. I'm always like, Crystal, which side of the street do you like more? This side or that side? And she's like, I don't know. And we just laugh and laugh and laugh. - Oh my God, look, Brandon is my favorite store. The Swarovski Crystal Store. (laughing) Let's go in and take a picture for Crystal. You know what my favorite theater is? The Winter Garden Theater, 'cause it makes me think of all the crystals in winter time. (laughing) I once saw cats there and all I could think the whole time was, wow, cats go in litter and litter has flavor crystals. Brandon! (laughing) Hey, Brandon, do you mind just waiting here for about three hours? Kristin and I are gonna go see Les Mis. We'll be right back. (laughing) - Oh, so funny. We were talking about his Broadway career and they showed pictures, Wild Gorge. They're showing pictures of him and Mamma Mia, which no offense. I know he's done a lot of Broadway shows, but for them to mention that one, Mamma Mia had, I think, 500 people in it, okay? - Yeah, Frankie Grande was in Mamma Mia, so. (laughing) - Let's just put the context up. - But Craig had a legit role and he's like. - I was in the Rocky, I didn't have the Rocky horse. He could've done that too. He could've been Rocket. - Oh, he could've been. - Rocket, but he was talking about Mamma Mia and he's like, oh, look at me. Gosh, I was such a homo back then. I mean, I was so gay and I loved being a big homo. It was so fun to be a big homo. I'm like, when did that stop? Who told you that you stopped seeing her? He's like, it's so hard being so butch now. Brandon, aren't you sick of me being so butch? - It's like we're in the clicking her heels three time when she's already standing in the middle of her living room. Like, you're at homo, homo. (laughing) - Oh, Craig, but you know, it's like, you can't help but love Craig. When they show that footage of him running up and running down and running down and he comes running back, like a big happy golden retriever, you're like, oh. He's like, look, I got a stick. (laughing) - Crystal, do you like my stick? (laughing) He's like, wait a second, Brandon, why are you? I thought Crystal's with a stick. What are you doing here? - They were cute, they went. - Let's get on FaceTime and show Crystal the stick I got her. - So they go see, so Brendan performs in some cabaret. Who is the guy leading the cabaret? - Birdland. - I don't know, but Richard Kind was there. But you know what though, Craig could really sing. And he was like, he was really good and it actually makes me say, Craig, why did you leave Broadway? - Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I guess people come to LA to make the money. You go on Broadway for the love and then you come to LA for the money. - But yeah, he was. - He made like a cute little song where he was like, thank you, Brandon, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And he's like, I used to like it when everyone would clap for me, but now I only care about Brandon. I'm sorry, just say, I meant Crystal. I love when Crystal claps for me. And that guy next to her too. - That guy, they're both really cute. So that was their whole thing. - They're just basically happy and being happy together. It's weird on this show because the other couples, not so much. - Let's talk, let's. - Which one do you want next? I'm scrolling through. - Okay, let's go do Adon, I want to work our way up to Rob and Persian wife. Yeah, so let's do Adonis and Erica, which they didn't, luckily we didn't get to see much of them. But there was one scene where they have couple cam and Adonis was holding that freaking camera right up to his face. You could see every individual pube on his chin. It was so disgusting. He's like, "Oh no, I'm here with Erica. I can't do anything, right?" So, turns out, so I left for like two and a half hours 'cause I went to the chiropractor and then I went to the car wash and then I lost my phone. And, you know, then I was looking for five hours all over Phoenix. - Can we talk about what a liar he is? This guy, what a slime bag, okay? First of all, this girl's an idiot and deserves what she gets, okay? - Yeah, she deserves it. - No one deserves to be cheated on except for this girl. This girl literally deserves it. She's an idiot. So, she marries this fool, even knowing, even after finding out he slept with 14 Brazilian hookers like the night before their wedding or something like that, she still marries him. So, now, she's like, "I'm alone 'cause Adonis, like, you just like, you just like disappears and I'm like calling him and then he won't enter his phone and I'm like so mad at him, right?" Like, why won't he answer the phone? Who's the woman who always answers and is like leaving a message? Like, who is she? Like, I don't know. You have to tell me who these people are in your life, Adonis? - Who is that computer lady you're dating? Like, why do you let her do your voicemail? I'm your wife. - Yeah, like, like, you have another mailbox? This is like, we're supposed to be on together, Adonis. Like, how do you have two mailboxes? Like, this is your home. - So, he's off somewhere, not telling her where, not picking up the phone. So, he comes home and they have to do the couple cam because I guess people on this show get tired. - Even the cameramen are like, we cannot stay in this generic Phoenix house any longer. - Here's an iPhone. Just do the work yourself. - We can't stay at a home where someone leaves their purse on the floor by the front door, okay? We're out of here. We are sick of eating cucumbers. - So, he's saying, yeah, well, you know, she just doesn't trust me. She's like, yeah, because she keeps saying, you're going the morning, no, no, no, you weren't. - So, they have this thing on the couple cam. So, what you said earlier, he's saying, "Well, I just, babe, I just went to the chiropractor and then, you know, after the chiropractor, by the way, poor chiropractor." - You know, maybe I'll go to the car wash, I guess. So, like, I went to the car wash and then-- - He's such a liar, he's obviously lying. And then this idiot, 'cause he's not dependable. And you know, it makes me think, maybe I can adopt my dying sister's child now because, like, he's gross. I'm like, oh, really? Now, who's talking about being dependable? - Yeah, exactly. - A sister who's dying until you can't take her kid now because you're having a bad day in your relationship. - Oh, please. - Oh, my God. - No, you should be adopting that kid regardless of whether Adonis is in or out of the picture. In fact, if Adonis is out of the picture, it's even better reason to adopt the kid because it's worse with Adonis there. - Oh, she's a fucking moron. - But also, they have, like, this terrible situation, too, where because, like, you know, this marriage was fucked because now she doesn't trust him. So, as a result, she's calling him non-self to make sure that he's not cheating, which is fucked. Like, that's not how you have a relationship. You know, she's like, "You want to go to the car wash, "it's fine, you just have to tell me." I'll be like, "Cool, car wash." - Yeah, that was weird. She's like, "Yeah, but if you're going to get, yeah, "check in, you know, like, maybe we can start a Google Doc "and then you can update it wherever you go somewhere "and it'll ding me, and then I'll see you, "you made an edit, okay?" (laughing) - So, that was weird, but I will say that a women's intuition is not really wrong. - Yeah. - Usually. And this guy is not doing himself any favors. - You don't need-- - He's obviously cheating. - Well, he, when it comes to this guy, you don't need a woman's intuition. You could have, like, a porcupine's intuition, and you guys see that this guy's a disaster, okay? He is obviously cheating, he is a low-left schmuck. - Yeah, he's obviously cheating, 'cause not only that first scene, but then he goes to see his grandma, and he's like, "Well, grandma's always telling me "how it is, I mean, sometimes she'll curse me out, "but at least she's real." Like, a urinate, so his grandma's like, "Hey, mama." (laughing) - She's like, "Perle from 227." She's like, "Hey, mama." So they start talking, and he's saying how he's, you know, his wife's always being mean to him, and he's like, "Like, last night, for example, you know, "I was at work, and so I turned my phone on vibrate, "and so she couldn't get ahold of me "between the hours of nine and 12." - You fucking liar. - Like, you didn't check your phone for three hours, and what are you doing at work from nine to 12? What sort of work do you do? Don't you work from home? - Nine to 12 at night. She can't get ahold of him, because he's working. You, he is the worst liar, and she's still an idiot. - She is. - He brings her flowers, and she's like, "You got me flowers, oh my God, and Donnie's, oh my God." - And then he's like, "You look beautiful, it's not. "You look really wonderful. "Here, I made dinner, I made some pastarone. "Here, you wanna have some?" - Hey, I'm sick, and you're being too nice. Why are you saying such nice things to me, Donnie's? He's like, "What, I can't be nice, I love my love." - You're never like, "Is her too nice?" And then she's speaking of these too nice. - So not yet, so again, further example of why their marriage was too nice, 'cause if he truly was just being nice, then she just doesn't even trust his niceness anymore, so they just can't have a functional relationship. Like, they should just both just go away, just drive in opposite directions, and just never show up again. - Every wife that's a flandering husband knows, if that fucker comes home with flowers, you better check behind his ears with a smell of pussy. - Yeah, that's right. I don't know why he's taking his ear in a pussy, but hey, do it. (laughing) Just check behind the ears, okay? Make sure mom advice with your wife advice, and get it done. - So then we go on to Rob and Row, so first what happens is that Rose's mom comes to visit, and they talk about Rose, this other dad, and Rose's mom starts to cry. He knows nice, it's like sort of a generic scene, it was fine. And then the thing with Row this week is that she's been interviewing, and she's so excited because she has her job, and she's got interviewing, and then she gets her job, she actually gets an offer, and she's like, "I'm ready to celebrate," and he's like, Rob's like, "What's there to celebrate? "You didn't even talk to me about it. "We didn't even confer with me. "I don't understand, this is her life, "you can't just do that, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." And he's just going off, which was so obnoxious, 'cause she's ready to celebrate, and he's like, "I'm just gonna do my music, blah, blah, blah." So she's pissed, and I was-- - She's been giving her shit about changing her job and making herself happy, and this and that, so she does, and he's like, "You have to consult with me, "I'm your husband, ooh." - Yeah, and I was really upset, because I was like, you know, 'cause I think he's adorable, and I like him, actually, and I'm like, "Ah, why are you being like this? "You're gonna totally undermine all my praise of you." But then, but ultimately, though, it actually would turn out to be a productive argument, because she was like, "Hey, wait a second, "you're always coming at me, but what's your plan? "You're the one who hates your job. "What do you want to be? "You want to be partnering in five years? "I don't think so. "You say you want to do music? "You're not doing any music. "What do you want to do? "What do you want to do?" And he's like, "I don't know." (laughs) And she's like, "Aha!" And he's like, "Oh, so, well, she actually says, "you're just projecting your own confusion "about your future onto me, and you're taking it on me, "'cause you're, you know, all this and that." And he's like, "Yeah, I guess so." And then they come to realize that basically, they both are a creative type. They want to be doing creative, exciting things with their lives, but they're stuck in, like, traditional, mundane, office jobs, and they're both miserable. And I actually sort of liked that. I thought it was like a nice, relatable experience that they, a thing that they got to. So I was like, "Oh!" - By the end, yeah, but I cannot watch them bigger than bigger, and they're so, I hate couples like that. I don't want to be around them. I don't want them on my TV. Both of you shut the fuck up and stop fighting in front of me. I hate it. - Yeah, no, the fighting is getting annoying, but at least they're fighting led to a greater understanding of something instead of, like, a fake Lisa Yolanda hug, you know? - Yeah, well, that's true. - So now let's get to the real story of the episode. - Captain Duchebag. - And Remott, okay, so Rob and whatever her name is, I forget her name, Persian Princess. - I don't even care. - I can't remember anyone's names on this show, but whatever, Rochelle, I think. Is her name, no, nothing. Rochelle is Robin Rowe. So this is Robin, Persian Princess. - You're making more of an effort to remember her name than her own husband does. - Sorry, I have to, like, respond in the text. - She's like, "Isn't this so great?" Like, I feel so fancy. Feed me some grapes right now. - And he goes, "Sometimes I don't even know where you come up with this stuff." This is like a perfect explanation of how stupid these people are. - Yeah, so basically they're in a basement of their contractors. They've had to move out because they can't stand their home. They're in some strange themed, like, Alice in Wonderland basement where the walls are like checkerboard diamonds, and it's just really one of the tackiest godiest basements I've ever seen. So there, and Rob is complaining as usual. He's like, "I don't like being displaced. I feel like I'm not in my comfort zone." Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. And, you know, he's like making fun of her for having OCD, but he's the one who has the real issues here. I mean, she's just straightening things out. He's the one who's like, "I'm in a different bed." Duh, duh, duh, duh. So yeah, he's control-free. I don't even know that he's OCD. He just needs to control every single little thing, including her. So she's upset now, and he's not having sex with her because he's upset, and then that, of course, is like ruins her life because her whole personality is built on sex. Well, all they have is sex. That's all that they have. That's all they have. So she's upset, and then she tells us, "Oh, I'm so sad because, you know, now I can't live my dream of just always being around my family all the time," which is such bullshit. Like, this girl has been trying to get away from her family forever, which is why she married somebody who's fighting her family for her, her own battles, and then she's calling her mom, and she's like, "Oh, I've been wanting to call her for so long." No, you have not. Okay, you can't be a bitch to everybody, and then just suddenly call because you need somebody to talk to now. You little brat God. Well, I think that really what happened was that she rebelled against her family, and now that she doesn't have her family, she realizes that she misses them, and she was realizing how good she had it. So now she's trying to reconnect with her family, and now she's sad because she's like, well, with this renovation, they're putting in all this time and effort and money in this renovation, and she can't even have her family over to enjoy it. So then this gets in, so then Rob and this lady get into a whole discussion/fight about how the basically her family is not welcome in the house, and he once again is like, well, they went out of their way to not make me welcome when we first started dating, and even she's like, well, of course, 'cause basically she's like, I had an affair, and you were seen as a guy who tempted me away from my husband, she didn't say that, but yeah. And he still will not budge on this, and she's like, well, Rob holds a grudge forever. I'm like, that's not a grudge, he is just an asshole. Like, he has to realize how he was perceived coming in, and it's not up to the family to come to him, it's up to him to make an impression on the family. - Okay. - And all he's mad about is that she was buying them groceries secretly, and he's like, why would you be buying them groceries? That's not cool. She's like, he doesn't understand the Persian culture. Yeah, duh. He hasn't wanted to be part of it from day one. - Exactly, he even says-- - The couple is so terrible and awful and stupid. - And he's like, this is why I don't like the Persian culture. He's like, I just don't like the Persian culture. I don't like it. I'm like, you married a Persian girl, like you can't take her out of her culture, I'm sorry. It's just, and here she is, buying groceries. And he's like, it's not that you bought groceries that you lied about. I'm like, no, you're mad that she spent the money on groceries. - Yeah, all he mentions is money. When he said, it's not the money. He said something almost exactly this. I didn't write it down, but I almost barked when he said it. He said, it's not about the money. It's about the morality of marriage, and I almost died laughing. You idiot, you fucking stole her away when she was four months married and not fair, and you're on your third wife. Please do not lecture her. - Exactly. - Or anybody on the morality of marriage. - Spending thousands of dollars on a renovation and your Malibu house, and whatever goes into the surfing, and this. - Oh, there's a honeymoon. - And the honeymoon. - And the honeymoon. - And the honeymoon. - And the real estate agent. - Oh yeah. - He's like, oh yeah. - So many of these houses like Matthew Perry in his friend goes, oh, whoa, Matthew Perry. That's a rockin' dude. (laughing) - So do she. And then here this woman is buying groceries for her family, and you're not allowed to buy groceries for her. And she's like, well, she made a good point. She's like, well, I didn't tell you about it because I knew you'd be mad. It's like, I mean, I understand that. Of course, because he's a control freak, and now he's mad at her that she's mad because if she said I'm gonna buy groceries, you'd be like, no, you're not allowed to. You know? - Well, she's also doing it because she stopped working so she can be a princess and she can be taken care of from his money. So she doesn't have her own money to buy shit. It's all his. - Exactly. But the fact that, yeah, it's so above and beyond ridiculous, but I really, I thought it was really offensive when he was talking about Persian culture. Listen, we've made put on Persian culture a million times and talked about the Shah as a sunset, but we have enough respect to be like, well, but that's the culture. You know, the culture is the culture. And he is, I mean, he literally is like, this is why I don't like about the pressure. What was even, why did he even say, this is why I don't like about Persian culture. Was it like the leaching or whatever? What was he, what did he say? What was, do you remember what his reasoning was? - It's all of it. He doesn't like that she's supposed to take care of her parents. He doesn't like that she's supposed to be close with her parents that they're supposed to go over there every week, blah, blah, blah. And the moms mean to him and the sisters didn't come to the wedding and this and that, but none of it is fault. I mean, the man who had strippers at the wedding, just to offend the parents. I mean, literally he did that. So whatever, these two, I don't even want to waste another breath on, I hate them. They're terrible. But he is awful though. He is absolutely terrible. - She is too though. - She is bad, but I'm saying that she is the worst. - And then when she argues, she's like, but why are you being mean? I mean, okay. - She does this little girl. - Yeah, well, yeah. - Yeah, exactly. - Well, and it just shows how fucked up their dynamic is that he is the dad and she is the daughter. I mean, she has daddy issues. It can all be traced back to her dad, actually. But, I don't know, there are two terrible people, but he, I think, is worse. I think he is the worst one in the situation. Because she may be manipulative, but I mean, you know, I just think it's so terrible that he is, he really is building a wall between her and her family. Like he is actively trying to separate her out of them. And that is so, it's just gross. - Yeah, it's gross. - Who does that? - Who does that? - What's the move on to something else that people who dies? - Okay, so let's move on to other evil people. - Vanderpump rules. - Vanderpump rules. - Wow, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, the opening song. ♪ We were meant to be beautiful ♪ - Sorry, that failed. I love how this shows talking about how beautiful they all are. No, please stop. This is not an Abercrombie ad. - This is maybe a JCPenney back of the Sunday, you know, coupon section of the new year. Maybe, maybe, maybe. - As long as having a housewarming party, even the Danny has already lived here with me for six months. Did you recognize our waitress, Danny? - Yeah, that was our waitress. Of course, I recognized her. - Yeah, and I was like, why don't you start some shit and like be a lead on the show? She's like, I don't want to be on the show, not into it. And here she was. I was like, you did it. Well, she's always, she always pops up once or twice the season. So, so they're talking about Stasi coming over, 'cause it was Stasi's former apartment, and Lala is like excited. Lala's like, the first time I met Stasi Schroeder, we're in Vegas, we're at like something, and she came to the elevator, and she was like, I love your outfit. And it was like, to have someone who's older than me, tell me that they like my outfit really meant a lot. - Oh, snap. - I know. - But Lala doesn't even do it in the band or pump way. She really means it. - Yeah. - So, somebody older in L.A., they were like, stop. I mean, well, that was something. I knew I had a career modeling spandex on Amazon for that moment on. It's such a privilege to be younger than Stasi. (laughing) Stasi and Kristin go to this party, and Stasi's like, I mean, look at it. Like, here I am. Like, I'm sleeping on the couch of the person who fucked my boyfriend, and now I'm in my old apartment that this new slut has. Like, it's just one big surf family. (laughing) - Not yet. - Yeah, Stasi, she was, her apology tour continues, and she was poor Stasi. I feel, I actually feel bad for her. I don't want to fat shame her, but since I know that her appearance means so much to her, I just feel bad that she's gotten a little chunky, and she's wearing these old lady outfits to try to cover it up. I just kind of feel a little sad. - You do? - Who is sad for her? - I mean, I don't really notice that much difference in her except, like, year to year and more mom clothes. - Yeah, the granny clothes, in fact. - I like that people keep calling it her apology tour, but she never really apologizes. She just says, look, here's what I do. I cut people off, okay? - That's how I coat. - When they hurt me so bad, or they make me so mad, what I do is I seriously literally cut them literally off, okay? So that's what I do. I'm like, so you're sorry? Or, so it's their fault for being so awful that you had to cut them off, and now you're trying to find a better way of dealing with them who are the awful ones. Is that what you're saying? - Mm-hmm, love it. - So meanwhile-- - Make a change. - So meanwhile, Jax is talking about all the money he's had to spend. Oh, 'cause I guess he goes back into work or whatever, and he's talking about, oh, the sunglasses, and all the money that he has to spend for the bills, all the legal bills, et cetera, and he's like, this is an expensive lesson to learn. I was like, yeah, but did you learn a lesson, though? Did you learn a lesson, or is it just an expensive moment in your life? - It's expensive for Brittany, who's been making the tit money, because you know his ass doesn't have a savings account, and you know he hasn't paid Vanderpump either at the $10,000 he owes or something, whatever. - Yeah. - He's such a liar, and Vanderpump's like-- - Darling, I just, I don't think you're an awful person, I just think you're an awful human. - Whatever she said. - It's just very disgusting, that's all. Darling, I don't throw up into a toilet when I see you, I throw up on the inside, and that's what hurts the most. - I was like, well, Lisa, you know, look, here's what I gotta say, I'm sorry, and I'm gonna do better, everything, and attic says over and over. - There's always a goddamn lie, every time. And she's like, well, think about the others. - Wait, what did she say? Why did I say think about the others, not vaginas? I don't know why I wrote that. Oh, because she's like, do you remember those poor children who came in here, deaths? I want you to start thinking about other people, and not just yourself, darling. You know, think about other people, you know, not just their boobs and vaginas, but the actual things that they need. - He's like, my dick. - No, Jacks! - Ken's pink shirts, all right. Now, I want you to help fold Ken's shirts. - And he's like, okay, I'll give back, folding. Stupid. - Yeah. - So they're all gonna, the other gang is getting ready to go into this party. - Yeah. - And Tom and Ariana. - Tom and Ariana hoops. - Ariana's that girl who sits at a party that no matter, if every, no matter if the Queen of England was there. - I mean, that's a boring person too. I'm trying to think of someone fun, like, it could be the most party in the world, but she's still sitting there looking like, she's like leaning back on the chair, like, this, that. - Now she only, she would only like it if it's like an ironic, like an ironic kids party, like her birthday party. She's like, oh my God, look, it's an oversized lolly. How hilarious is this? - Like, where's the bouncy house? Fuck this party. - Oh my God, face painting, I love it. It's like a throwback. It's like my last little girl party. - Ariana, I mean, not Ariana. - Stasi is sitting with her soul queen, Christina. - Who does that? Who sits at a table? Oh my God, this is so awkward. It's so awkward. I mean, how awkward is this? I can't believe how awkward this is. I mean, get up. No, don't get up. You can't get up. - Look at everybody over there. Like, we're just sitting here and they're over there. Oh my God, awkward, awkward, awkward. - Should we stand up? No, how about we, how about we crouch? Okay, let's crouch. Oh my God, my knees are truly hurting. I hate this so much. It's so awkward for my knees. Oh my God, what do we do? Should we get a shot? No, don't leave me. Okay, I'm gonna say here, how do we get a shot? Do you have ESP? Okay, let's get the shot over here using ESP. Oh my God, I think ESP is when you read the shot's mind. What? Oh my God, so how do we move it like Carrie? Who's Carrie? I don't know, she's like a bitch. Oh, I hate her. She's so awkward. - I did get her though, 'cause my mom's a bitch too. - Yeah, I totally get it. - I would totally love to pour pig's blood on everyone in this party. Like, I hate them all, but oh my God. That's how I cope. I just pour pig's blood on people. - But if I locked all the doors, I'd be stuck in here with them. Let's do shots of pig's blood. Oh my God, that's such a great idea. Let's go get them in there. Like, let's just stand here. I was like, I'm gonna make eye contact with them until the pig's blood falls in their face. Oh my God, great idea. - Stupid Stossie talking about how awkward it is, but making no effort. And then she's like, I know how to make it like less awkward shot. And then, could you see that? Shots. So they go get these tiny red cops, which I love. I've never seen the tiny red flip up. Those are like shots. Yeah, they're a thing now. - They're cute. - So they take the shots over and then they walk back and sit alone in the kitchen again. - Well, even before the shots, even before the shots, when Tom walks by, he just fully ignores Stossie. And she's like, I'm gonna throw up. Oh my God, so awkward. (laughing) Like, here's an icebreaker. He's like, thanks, right. Let's go back to the round table. Oh my God. I fuck Jack so many times in the round table. Oh my God, that's so awkward. (laughing) - So, Sienna, how about share coming? - And she's like, I don't run away from that girl, huh, I'm not scared. - So she gets like, whatever, can I have a beer? - Yeah. - And just three shots of tequila share okay, dumping alcohol on, huh. - So they go upstairs and Sienna has a bottle of Pinot Grigio wrapped in a blue ribbon for Stossie and Stossie goes, wow, thanks, that's so clever. - That's a clever. - Because she's like, I know, I'm in the fire's glam. - Because last time Sienna came to the restaurant, Stossie was like, what do you want from me? She goes, you can give me a drink. - Yeah. - So she goes, I don't know what I did wrong to, but you can give me a Pinot Grigio. - Yeah, so she brings her her Pinot Grigio. - Yeah. - I thought that was very funny. - And then she makes us. - I feel like Sarah Thang, Pinot Grigio, I'm blue. So there you go, bitch. - I think she's talking about Ramona, actually. - 'Cause I think it's Ramona Blue. - That's crazy. - Pinot Grigio and Ramona Blue. - Grigio, yes, and she's married to a turtle time. - Yeah, I'm sorry. Excuse me, I'm sorry, I believe this Pinot Grigio is for me and why is it not Ramona, Pinot Grigio? I'm sorry, this is not the right Pinot Grigio. It's like Lala's housewarming party and Ramona walks in. Hello, I'm here. Whoa, where's the Pinot Grigio? Oh, this is not right. This is not good Pinot Grigio, Shina. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. - Well, I can't drink that. I can't take a shot out of these tiny little cups. I mean, what are these? The tiny little cups? One time, when I was a little girl, I had a door house and there was a mommy and a daddy inside the door house and they both had tiny cups and the mommy filled up the daddy's cup and then her own cup and she said cheers to being a happy couple and he said, you're a stupid bitch and he threw the tiny cup in the tiny mom's face, okay? I cannot look at a tiny cup ever again. - My mother always said, you always have to have your own dollhouse 'cause you don't wanna rely on a man to make a dollhouse for you, okay? So I'm sorry, that's just how it goes. - If you guys are gonna have tiny cups, I hope you have tiny to go containers so I can put some of these pretzels in it. So when I go home, if Mario does come back, I'm not saying I need him to, but if he does, I'll have some pretzels to eat, okay? - Okay, whoa, whoa, you know what's crazy? I'm looking at Lala's big hoop hearings and it reminds me of when I was a little girl, I had a hula hoop, okay? And I used to go and I'd hula hoop everywhere and everyone was like, oh look, there's Ramona with a hula hoop and everyone loved it and everyone was happy with it and then one time, Geraldine Parsons Smith came over and said, who's that slutty little girl in the hula hoop? And I cried and cried and cried, I went into the woods, I was like, well, woods! And such this day, I can never use a hula hoop, okay? I'm sorry, I don't like hula hoops or hoop hearings, okay? I'm sorry, Lala. - They could've used her at this party for sure. - This party looks so boring. It was really fun to watch, but God, it looks so boring. - It was just people walking from room to room. They were just like, let's stand over here and talk about things, okay, now let's go to the couch area, now let's go to the table again. - Oh my God, have you been by the window yet? Let's go for that. - Yeah, she and Stasi tried to have a conversation, she's like, so, what's up? She's like, not much, call. And she is like, seeing Stasi is like seeing a ghost, but like a bitchy ghost, like a bitch ghost, like a ghost. That's a bitch, it's like, yes, Shay, we get it. (laughing) But I did like that this episode was officially called "Bitch Ghost." (laughing) It was, it was on the direct TV it said like, episode 18, "Bitch Ghost." (laughing) So Tom decides to come over and tell us Stasi. Everybody telling us Stasi is just hilarious, they all just ripped into her, yeah. - Tom's like, hey Stasi, so like, I just wanted to say that you're like full of shit, okay, because one minute you're like mad at everybody for, you know, like Kristen fucking jacks, but then like you're sleeping on the couch that she probably fucked him on, so you're dumb. And she's like, yeah, but I cut people out, so like literally what I'm saying is like, I just like, you're a paper doll, you're like construction paper, and then I cut you into a doll, and then I throw you on the ground, because that's what I do, and he's like, all right, well. - I make snowflakes out of you. - There are consequences to that Stasi, okay? - And then he looks like Tom, I love that Tom always looks like he's about to start crying. (laughing) - There you look. - I suppose it's okay, Stasi, okay? Like you can't do that so sad. - Poor Tom, I mean he looks like he's at his limit, he's exasperated by all these fools around him that like just go back and forth and are shallow. You can just see he wants to pull out his hair at this point. He's so annoyed, and he knows he's being painted as like the arrogant cocky bastard, and you know in his mind he's like, he's just trying to like, just he's just trying to cope like Stasi, okay? Meanwhile-- - He likes it by standing in a corner and twirling his hair around while giving Stasi glares that was killing me. - They just show a close-up of Tom and he's like got one finger twirling his bangs like-- (laughing) - I'm gonna say something to Stasi. - Meanwhile, elsewhere while this party's going on, we are cutting up to somewhere else in town where Tom Schwartz, Katie, and Jacks are getting drinks. First of all, we learn that Jacks is going to pay for Brittany getting a boob job, which is hilarious and sort of scary, and very much like Rob from newlyweds. - And also Jacks is not paying for shit. He doesn't have any money, he owes at least a $10,000. Brittany's paying all the bills. - Yeah, I was like, where is he getting this money from? Like-- - You know he's gonna steal those. - Yeah, exactly, it's still a boob job. But then, so Katie's whole issue was like, well, I wasn't invited to Lala's house-wearing party, and she went out of her way to tell me, let me see a flashback where Lala's like, just so you know, I'm having a party and I don't want you, you're not invited, and I don't want you there, which maybe chocolate, 'cause it's like, you know, it turned about as fair play, but also it was like how indelicate she was about it, you know. - She was so funny, her tip for Tat was hilarious. - I know, and Jacks, so you know-- - Looks like she tried to repeat her words exactly, and it was so funny, because if she really wanted to get some closure, she would have invited Katie, wait till she showed up, told her she was uninvited, and then make her way down the curb until her mom came together. - Exactly, this is basically what Lala's life has been leading to is not inviting someone to a party. So, but the best part is Katie's like, oh my God, can you believe that? Like ugh, I'm like Katie, you've done it for like 10 times this season, not to mention everyone else on this show, so just like relax, all right? - Why would I even wanna go to that party? - Because now you're sitting with your non-committal boyfriend who refuses to get a job, and the meth-head loser, who's trying to scrape boobs off of any floor he can to insert into his girlfriend, who's now working at the Playboy Mansion for some show, and already has boobs, what the hell? - Yeah, she already has perfectly lovely boob boobs, actually, really good boobs, so like-- - What the hell, I do have to point out though, that at the beginning of the scene, I was like, oh my God, it is so nice to see Katie smile because she never has a genuine smile, she's always miserable, and like she'll smile like, ugh, like a bad look, but she was so happy, she's engaged, she's chilling with her friends having dinner, she looks so happy, and I was like, I wrote, this will not last, and sure enough, not even one damn scene, she's already pissed off again, bless her heart. - Exactly, so then we cut back to the party, and Stacey and Shina, like Shina and Stacey like sit down on the couch together, and just like, go on these awkward moments, just like-- - What are you doing? - What are you doing? - Nothing, like, what are you doing? Nothing! - The level of their frenemy ship is so fantastic, it's just like one of the best frenemy situations, like the tension between them is always just so amazing, but then they have a little conversation where they bury the hatchet where she's like, I just want to treat it now, that I would never sell your sex tape on the internet, and even you, even someone as shitty and as obnoxious as you, I wouldn't do that, 'cause I'm not about that. - Yeah, she's like, yeah, okay, like I saw the sex tape on my lap, and I like showed people at work, but I didn't like pull up my PR list, okay? Like, I could've sent it to all the blogs that are on my list, and I didn't, so I'll work, you're welcome. She's like, oh welcome, and here's another thing I have to say. - I think I'm gonna just try one of each of the primecocktails. - You know what I'm talking about? - I'm just trying one of these. - She just seemed to use the exact same fight that Tom did, she's like, well, you're like mad at me, because like, I was friends with Kristen after she fought Jax on the couch, but then now you're sleeping on the couch like Kristen Fock or whatever. And Sassy goes, actually, no, that's not why I'm not friends with Katie. I'm not friends with Katie because of you. - Yeah. - I was like, oh God, so now here goes a typical Stasi apology. - Not apologize. - Yeah. - Just like, everything I did, I did, because you drove me to it. - Yeah. - And then so she admits the sex tape thing, and Stasi says, wow, I mean, like, Shina, if she had told me, like, if she had admitted her part in this whole thing, then, yeah, I would have gone to Miami, and then I wouldn't have gotten in a fight with Katie. And then-- - I would have gotten Shina's wedding. - I would have gotten Shina's wedding. - And then she was like, Shina fight butterfly affecting the Shina person. - I know, but those all sound like terrible alternatives to her life. Like, if she had told me this like a year and a half ago, I would have gone to a terrible wedding. I would have been still a waitress. I would have gone on a terrible trip. I'm so mad. So then, back, speaking of Stasi and engagements and all that stuff, back at the restaurant at the other, with Katie and Tom and Jacks. So, you know, Tom admits that he invited Stasi to the engagement party, and of course, Katie is mad. And Katie pulls a total Shina. She's like, she accuses Stasi of being selfish. She's like, this is a really good time in my life, and she's tainting it. Like, bitch, do you know what the definition of selfish is? It means you don't want to share. Like, who is being selfish here? She's like, I can't believe she wants to come to my party. She's not allowed to come to my party. This is on the heels, by the way, of her, but moaning the fact that Lala didn't invite her to her party. Speaking of tainting, her fiance, what a tainting. What a tainting. This guy, oh my God, what a pussy. Like, so he shows up to a restaurant to yell at a woman. Which, I mean, I know it's Stasi, but still. No, he shows up at a restaurant to yell at a woman, and then he invites, said, enemy to the engagement party, and then his girl, or his fiance now, is sobbing. She's like, you can't do that to me! Like, crying, and he's like, well, I don't know. I was harsh, so whatever. I just felt bad, you know? I felt bad. I was like, I don't know. I beat the poor girl down. She was like, eh, they cut the jacks, and jacks are just like staring like, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh. Oh yeah, jacks. Oh, jacks is just warming up. Because every time you think, oh, wait, jacks is-- well, I wasn't thinking about this. Sometimes he can be really charming and fun. He can't be planting tits into somebody, that idiot. So then, like, the next day, or whenever it is, horse face number one, and saucy are like sitting on a couch, and just like, literally, I have never had such a fun roommate as you. Like, I'm having the most fun with you. Kristen and Kristen's like, yeah, I'm really fun. Seriously? Seriously? I'm really fun. I'm a fun-- I'm a fun t-shirt mogul. Like, I'm going to design you this t-shirt, and it's going to say, I'm with fun, and it's going to point to me. And then, of course, this is classic saucy. Now that she's gotten a little bit of purchase in the social system again, she's been walking back just a little bit. She's like, oh, la, la. It's like such a piece of trash. Like, OK, I guess that's a good look. Whatever. She's basically bashing la. After la la was saying, like, so wonderful to have an old lady like, saucy praise me. And then Kristen's like, oh, la, la, la. Like, la la's not only below me. She's like, many stories down. Like, I don't think so. She's like, step down. She's like, downstairs, OK? She's like, P3 in the parking garage, OK? She's subterranean parking. Literally, literally. You know that little girl who fell in the well when we were kids? Like, she's that girl on the bottom of the well, looking down event and seeing another girl who felt any deeper well below her, OK? La la is, like, literally Hillary's swank in the core, just drilling into the middle of the earth. And she's still not low enough. Literally, seriously. La la is not even as low as Howard the Duck, OK? She's like, if they made, like, Howard the Duck part too, OK? Like, the lowest. Since when did Kristen start hating La La so much, I thought that she's sort of like La La? Because La La getting ass. La La gets all the ass and all the wants of ass that Kristen wants. Jack was sitting there trying to fuck her, saying he wanted to fuck her, right in front of Kristen. Yeah. And James did fuck her, right, or was trying to fuck her. I don't know if they've done it at this point, but is totally flirting with her. La La gets everything that Kristen wanted and fucked up. Yeah, except Tom. But give the guy time. So then we cut to the Tom's driving along in the valley, listening to Tom Sandoval's song. And they're headed off to a meeting with Pattonty about LVP, sangria. And guess what? Tom Schwartz announces that. He's like, no, I'm either all in on something or I'm all out. And I think with Lisa Vanderpump sangria, I think I'm all out. Like, what a shock. What a shock. What have you ever been all in in? Could you name one thing that you've been all in on? Perms. It's barely even-- [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH] You could barely even propose to this woman that you've had waiting for you forever. You have never been all in, deuce. Yeah. Cute deuce, adorable deuce. But still a deuce. Yeah, no, the day. Exactly. Tom number one's like, dude, you got to be serious. You got to concentrate and be something. Dude, you're about to get married to Katie. She's expecting so much. No, she's not. And also, you can't lecture somebody on maturity when you're in a band called Charles McMansion. Exactly. And it's not like being a promoter for Lisa Vanderpump sangria is like a career path that's going to sustain you for the next 60 years, OK? It means you go to clubs and tell girls to drink sangria. That's all. But that's why you've got to like Sandoval, because at least he knows. You know, he knows all this shit stupid. He's like, whatever, bro, you're going to feel so stupid when I'm getting basically paid to party. Yeah, I'm like, no. And Tom's like, yeah, I've been the other Tom. I've been doing so much with my bottling. I'm thinking like, that's what I need to go all in up. And then they cut to his fat pictures in underwear. And then meanwhile, so then a little bit later, Tom is talking about his band. He's like mentioning like how he's putting together like a music video and he's got a lot of money into the band, and he's talking about talking to Jack's about this. And Jack's like, oh, he's like, I'm just sick about hearing about his band. Like, this is so annoying. I'm like, listen, we had to sit through your sweater line and your stupid fitness app, OK? So let Tom speak about his band for one second, because he's got 20 times more legit than anything you've done. Yes, at least Tom has kept with it. He's been doing it for a long time. This isn't something new. He actually can play an instrument. And his song isn't half bad. His song isn't half bad. And it's like legit. It's like a good song. It's like, it's a good song. It's like, it's, you know, we've seen a lot of crappy songs, she's not shy on reality TV that are, it's just not going anywhere. But this is it was like a legit song, like, you know. And it's something he consistently works at every year. He keeps going and going and going. So what if he becomes rich or not? He's at least doing something, dude. Yeah. And then Jackson Jackson, Jack's going. Well, like, look, I don't want to be a dick. Like, I want to be supportive of my friend, but this band is dumb. It's not going to go anywhere there. I said it, like, oh, you are such a piece of shit, dude. Yeah, I'm sorry. I didn't hear that because I was checking the mailbox for my new Jack's Taylor's chunky sweater. I still was not arrived. It was basically just bought at fucking Old Navy and then had a tag glue-gunned over the Old Navy tag. Yeah, yeah, out of here. So then, so then Jackson and Tom's go over to Lisa's house to donate a bunch of clothes to this charity. And they're looking at an old, crusty bras from their house. I like when Tom Sandoval was like, dude, this is like a mattress. What did he say? Oh, this is from a sheet girl. So they're like looking at Lisa's nude pick, which is kind of funny. There's like 900 pink shirts on the ground. And I thought, god, Lisa's giving away a lot of clothes. And she comes in and she goes, do not steal my husband's shirt, for poor people, all right. Next time I have homeless children in my restaurant, I want them all in pink. Do not take them home. Poor people need ruffles on their shirts too. You think poor people don't have little puffy dogs that they want to dress like? (laughing) Everyone should be entitled to a pirate shirt. Oh, when they saw those nude pictures and Tom number two is getting a boner. So good. Yes. So then Lisa and Tom had a meeting at least because of the regular. Oh, was he pussy lossy to see that? Oh, your big bloody wasy pussy. (laughing) I was like, stop talking to him like the little miniature horse. You learned to pop that behind the couch. (speaking in foreign language) (laughing) This word. (laughing) What are you talking about, my children? No, you're lying. I'm talking about Tom number two is my childhood. Darling, you've got to be serious. It's about something you're marrying Katie. You need a food budget, darling. Darling, you need to have a career because if you spend all day with that sad circle, drive yourself mad, get out of the house. Darling, she's getting pregnant the second her ovary start working again. She's not going to be able to wait tables forever, darling. She's already gone through three years of a sympathy pregnancy. Wait until she actually gets pregnant. You need a job. (laughing) So, yeah, that guy is so lazy. Yeah, he's like, I know, I know, I know. It's just that like, you know, I don't want to do it. I mean, it's fine. If he doesn't want to do the Lisa Vanderpump sangria, that's fine, but like, dude, like, he's like, he's like, I don't know, I was just like, I really want to like throw myself into this modeling thing and I want to try it and just, I don't know. Like, I don't know, I'm pretty, I'm cute. I'm like, I'm so cute. I mean, I just, gosh, I don't know Lisa. Like, when I was gonna say, oh, I heard so much, ah, but I gotta say it. Craig, Craig from newlyweds and Tom Schwartz should have a conversation together. (laughing) Oh, hey Craig, like, oh, oh, oh, oh. You want to hang out today? Oh, I don't know, do you think Krista can come? I mean, I guess, I don't know. Do I like Krista? I love Krista. Oh, do I. (groaning) Hey, Craig, I was thinking that we could like, go into business together. Oh, that'd be great. Okay, do you want to have the finances? Oh, I don't know. Do you want to, I don't know. Oh, I'll do it. I'll do it. You know, maybe you should do it. You should. Craig, it's just that like, I don't know, like I'm either all in or all out. That's exactly what I tell Brendan. (laughing) How about this? Why don't we ask Krista if she'll do the business and then we can just go up to run in. Yeah, okay, that's a great idea. Great, oh my God, that's awesome. Every time I see scenes like this where people are saying, I'm going to really throw myself into modeling. I can't stop at saying you're 40. Stop it, stop it. No one throws themselves into modeling when they're 40. He means actually he's going to like, make a bunch of model trains and stuff. I'm really gonna get into modeling now. I already got some glue. I've been sniffing it for a while now. So now we have a Kyle Chan party. Kyle Chan is the guy who got Tom and Katie. They're a free engagement ring. Yeah, so romantic. It's like, I got her a free ring. I mean, I don't know what she's so upset about. Kyle Chan is desperate to get on TV. So what he's doing is throwing a fundraiser or some party for equal rights at pump 'cause he knows it's gonna get him on TV. So he's doing that. And it's hilarious. Kristin shows up with this new guy named Carter. He's pretty cute. And I think it's Ariana who points out like, okay, so like Kristin's at a party with a bunch of people who don't like her at a restaurant she was fired at with a new guy flavor of the month. Arda, so have fun with that. But she's right. She's not invited to, so good. But she's right. This guy looks extremely shady. He looks very, very jealous. He just looks like a typical Hollywood douchebag. Like we've seen him a million times. I mean, to me, there was like a serious era jealousy around. I can't wait to see if I'm right because he looks like super jealous and possessive, which is gonna be amazing because she needs that. She can only be with someone else who's crazy. Even though Tom wasn't really, but-- - Well, I love how like, I love how like Alex from Blowdack like, I mean, talk about a fast arc. I mean, basically she's like, yeah, I'm not with Alex anymore. We had sex for times and now we're back to being friends. I'm like, you were with him? Like the last episode you were just starting to kiss him. Like, where did the relationship go? - Well, we were instead on like two different Maroon carpets. So like, I mean, the first one was the new Febreze sent opening and then the next one was that cupcake store opening. So like, you know, like we've gone through an entire relationship in like two weeks, ugh. - Like we had a great time. Like we went to the opening of a witch witch and now it's like, I don't know, we're just back to being friends. - Oh, witch witch. We celebrated the new subway flavors. So we're done, you know, like-- Like, yeah, like he made this sandwich at witch witch that was like, good. But I liked my combo more. And then we realized we're just better off as friends. - I was really starting to love him, but then his like, his eyebrows grew back in. So I was like, bye. - Seriously, seriously. Like when he said, let's go to witch witch, I was like, witch witch didn't sound as good as seriously, seriously. So I was like, it's done. (laughing) - That was so bad right there. So meanwhile, big news. - Like when she said, this guy's my first right swipe. (laughing) My first swipe right. - Yeah. - She literally had a Clorox wipe out and she was swiping things. - Have you seen Kristen say no to any guy ever? - Yeah. - Yeah, exactly. Look at her track record. Okay, we are back. Although if you're listening to this, it sounds like one seamless recording because I had to stop the recording because there was just a fire in my building. So the mirror discussion of Kristen swiping right on a guy caused a fire in my building. - Ooh. Even your building didn't believe it. It was like, that's a lie. I'm starting myself on fire. - I feel it's like, I refuse to hear any more of this. I'm self-immolating. (laughing) - The building just swiped left like a thousand fires like with a fire of a thousand sons on Kristen. - Exactly, actually some girl on the second floor lit her kitchen on fire. So we were recording and then the fire alarm went off and I was like, oh, seriously, seriously? And then so I was like, all right, I'm gonna go downstairs. That's what I should do. And I'm like walking down the staircase and I hear people be like, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. And I'm like, oh shit, people are running and some girl is like, yeah, there's a fire. It's like a real fire. I was like, what? (laughing) And I went out on the street and you could see smoke coming out of the window. But the fire trucks came and put it out. - I knew it was gonna be little because I went outside to let Bueller P when that happened and I heard tons of fire trucks and there's only a bunch of fire trucks when it's small. - Yeah. - Like a building could explode and the fire trucks will get there 20 minutes later. But if it's a microwave fire, they're on it. Like you're on it. (laughing) - Yeah, the hell. - Well, it's shocking 'cause sometimes that fire alarm will go off and like it'll always be at like six in the morning and everyone trudges downstairs and then you're standing out there for 15 minutes, takes 10 minutes for the fire trucks to show up. But this time they were like there, they were ready. Someone was like, "No, this is a real fire." It's like at school when they had the fire alarm test or whatever and then everybody went outside and they were like, "We just wanted to make sure "that you guys could stand in a straight line "and follow orders." It's like, "Shut up, Zack White Elementary." - I know. And then there was this one girl who was like massively inconvenienced by her and she was like, "Why don't I have to be outside?" Like they said it was okay for me to be in there. I don't understand why I have to be outside. Listen, there's a fire, lady. - Just tell her microwave fumes make you fat. Just, "I'm not buying back on that." And then on top of that I got a notification from Amazon that said your new cookbook, the fire of Peru has just arrived. I was like, "Well, it's quite a literal cookbook." They're like literally delivered fire from Peru to my building. - A couple of weeks ago there was a big fire across the street here. I don't know why everything's starting on fire, but there was one over here and all the neighbors were outside partying together 'cause we were just gathered and we were getting wasted and a couple of people came out of their apartments and they were like, "What's going on? "That building's on fire, my internet's out." Like forget the possible dead people in there. - Yeah, just worry about your fucking internet. - Exactly, well then I was like down on the street and I was like, "Oh no." I was like, "My board games, what if it catches on fire?" I'm like, "I had my laptop with me." Let alone, I wasn't concerned about my passport. I was like, "No, I just bought a new game I love. "Why don't I burn up? "It was so hard for me to track it down." Like you said, "I'm going to take my computer," and then you ran out and I was like, "Wait a second. "There's a lot of stuff in there." - Yeah. - I mean, look at all the barefoot contests of books alone you'd have to rebuy. - Oh my God, all the cookbooks, all the board games. - Darling, too much, too much, what's that? - The new Apple TV, I swore I wouldn't buy another model. - Well, thankfully everything is safe for now, so we can get back to the Vanderpump rules. - The real disaster, which is this party for this jeweler, and guess what guys? Katie is mad at Tom Schwartz again. That's right, she is upset. I know it's shocking, but she's annoyed because Tom quit the least- - Well, I'm probably gonna suck again, because you know that that's the only time she's like feeling horny is when she gets to yell at somebody. She's been happy, so happy since their engagement. She hasn't been able to have sex. He probably got late this night. - Yeah, he probably did. - So she's upset about how he quit, Lisa Vanderpump, you know, Sangria, and he didn't even talk to her about it, and he was just kind of like, ugh, stop, and he was getting annoyed because, you know, in his words, basically everyone's extrapolating all this meaning from the fact that he just didn't want to do it, and everyone's like, you can't do a job. What about your career, what about Katie, blah, blah, blah, and he's like, I just didn't want to do the job, and she's like, no, but like, you know, like you have to give up on certain dreams. Like, you know, at one point I had to transition out of acting and modeling, and he's like, well, but you weren't really an actress or a model, and she's like, excuse me, I was, she's like, I was trying for that since I was seven years old, and that was a really hard dream to give up. - I mean, you dreamed, but you never got out of bed, okay? - Yeah. - Like, you dreamt that since you were seven in the morning. Have you ever gone to an audition, please stop. - Yes, I'd like to say this is also the point where everybody's drunk. Okay, so they've already been at this party. - She's drunk because she already knows all this stuff, so she's just choosing to go off at a party 'cause it's her hobby. - Yeah. - And he is shifting back and forth and has a little confidence, which means he's drunk, and he's also wiping his nose. Did you notice that? - Yep, and also many times. - And he was also snapping back. - He's passing around the crystal. - But he was also snapping back at her, which he only does when he was really drunk, and he's like, I mean, you're not a model. I mean, stop it, Katie. Now, to be fair, so she was like, listen, you like started modeling when you were 25. Okay, I don't want you to be an out-of-work actor when you're 40. I'm like, well, you'll be an out-of-work actor when you're 26. But on top of that, he, believe it or not, I mean, he has actually gotten some gigs. Like, we've seen him in some ads, and so it's like, if he's way more successful than Katie has been on the modeling front, so she should actually be like, okay, well, you are getting some gigs, so let's try to capitalize on that. - Well, I think if he was the kind of model that you know, like, smart models, like a Heidi Klum, well, well, she's pretty smart, I mean, I guess. I mean, we're talking about models, but Heidi Klum, she's like, okay, look, I'm going to have 20 babies, and I'm going to quit the model, so I would have a line of everything. So it's like, Heidi Klum's up, Heidi Klum, you know, conditioner, Heidi Klum breaks that you can put on the walkway and decide you're half. That bitch will sell anything. That's a smart model. It's like, I'm gonna use my name to sell something. The Tom doesn't have that, you know. First, it was bad enough he was gonna use his name to like, sell Sangria with somebody else's name, but he doesn't have that after plan, and look, it's like the people we talk about on newlyweds. I can't feel sorry for someone who's getting married to a person, she knows it's a flake. And once he tells them, okay, fine then, when people start saying, well, he's a flake, and he has no ambition, I'm gonna say, yeah. - Okay, wow, you sure told him. (laughing) - I won't stand up for you anymore. Lady, giving your hand in marriage to a man is the ultimate standing up for a man's. - Yeah, you realize your fiancee is a model, and you're surprised that he's flake and has no ambition. I mean, it's like saying, like, you're surprised that you are dating an acrobat who happens to be flexible or something. You know, it's like, some things go hand-in-hand. - No, I'm so sick of you putting your ankles behind your ears, so growls on. Like, I know you're a contortionist, but you have to always show off the fact that you can put like, your ankle up this way, and you're on, basically what you said, Lonnie. - I know you're tall, but you have to keep getting the crackers off the top shelf. It just makes me feel insecure. - So then, then Jax is talking about the boob situation again, and, oh, god, but this is in front of everybody at the party, and he's like, yo, okay, by the way, the reason I'm pointing out that, what this buns was wiping his nose, is because now Jax is on a full-crest crystal map. - Right, but this is before the after-party. This is what it is. Oh, yeah, 'cause I was gonna say that he starts telling us that the real reason why she's getting the boobs is a thank you for putting up with his sunglass drama, and I was thinking to myself, like, what are you self-serving, thank you? I wanna thank you so much for putting up with me going in jail, that I'm gonna modify your body for you. - Just, that's what you get, as a token of thanks, I'm gonna change everything. - I've made myself more disgusting to you by stealing sunglasses, so I'm gonna make you more attractive to me by getting you free tips from some dude I know, who's 10, four, if I know this. - Exactly. - Oh, hell. - Yeah. - You know, Jax is over at the Fang Planet Fitness in Chinatown where Yolanda went digging boobs out of trash cans. Here are two phrases you don't wanna hear, discount, and plastic surgery, okay, that never ends well. - Look at Maloof, and I know that woman's got more money than God, but the bitch loves a bargain. You don't have that shit was done for free, or by a neighbor, 'cause she loaned a hose or some shit. - Right, exactly, or how about Daniel Stubb, I mean. So then, this guy, Kyle Chishol, I call them group on tits, when people have big square tits, those are called group on tits. When they're still putting bean bags inside of you, the shit was on group on. - Yeah, exactly, all the bean bags. So the last thing I was gonna say about this party before we go, the after party, is so Kyle Chan, again, so desperate to make an impression. And he's like, I just wanna thank everyone for coming out to pump tonight for this life on Razer. It really means so much, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and I wanna thank Lisa Vanderpump looking so bored. She's like, all right, Daniel, let's wrap this up so I can soup out the floor, okay, come on now. - Darling, oh, the gay is getting married. Oh, huge surprise, that's party for another 10 years. Is anybody gonna throw a party for dogs with Alapisha? Now, that's a Rachel. - You have to go to Missouri to get those sort of parties. That's what I was darling. That's why I didn't go to a vent. - Let's get the horse on the private plane. - Who was mad at Lisa that she didn't show up? Was it Adrienne who was mad at Lisa because Lisa was in the Midwest for some fundraiser for Alapisha and then she came home and went directly to serve. Remember that fight? - Oh yeah, that was Adrienne. - Was it Adrienne? - I think so. - Was it Yolanda? - Was it Yolanda about the dumbest shit ever? Yeah, it was like you didn't comment on that part. - Well, Yolanda's always been mad through other people. She's, I don't think she's ever been like, oh god. My memory does, I don't even remember where I looked from a screw gun, y'all. And that was, this morning I was using that. I can't remember all that. - So anyway, now it's the after party and now we're talking about the boobs again and Jax is explaining that he wants Britney's boobs so it's like Peter's girlfriend's boobs. - Oh my God, that is just sad right there. And that girl's nice boobs. I'm not criticizing her boobs. - Yeah, but who does that? Who does that? - That is so gross. Okay, so Jax is like in a full on crystal rage by now. By the way, I say that all the time because everybody who's doing drugs in this neighborhood does that. Okay, I know what it looks like and it looks like Jax veins a bulging, eyes a tiny, sweating all over the place, red, can't stop sweating, gushing sweat. This guy. - Yeah. - So, and then he keeps talking too much and saying awful things and stealing all side effects. High camera records. So he starts doing this, he starts doing this thing where it's like, hey, I'm getting her tits. Yeah, I'm getting her new boobs. Gotta just count, yeah, getting her boobs. Getting her boobs. Yeah, they're gonna be triple Ds. And she's like, oh, you're funny, Jax. Well, I was just thinking maybe like a C maybe. - Well, I think she actually, I think she actually wants them to be big, really big. I think that he wanted them to be smaller, right? I think he wanted them to be. - He said he want, well, I wrote Jax wants triple Ds, but then he compares her to Peter's girlfriend boobs, who does not have triple Ds. - I thought he was saying he didn't want like a teardrop boob or something. I don't remember. - A teardrop boob, he's like, I wanna princess cut. (laughing) - He went to Jared. - If I'm gonna finance these kids, so I get to pick him. - Yeah. - Whoa, and then Brittany looks like she's mortified and about to cry, but still will stay for the free tales because she's an idiot like that. And then the other girls are like, really, Jax? And Katie's like, that is disgusting. I cannot believe you're a treat a woman like that. And he goes, I'm sorry, but if I'm gonna pay for something, I'm getting what I want. - Yeah. - Wow. - At first, I thought that when he first said, if I'm gonna pay, he's like, if I'm gonna finance these, I want them how I want them. I thought of, then he'd be like, just kidding, just kidding. I thought he was, I thought he was making jokes first, but it was like, oh no, he's serious. And then he really said that and it was, oh, it was so nasty and chauvinist. - And you were not financing anything, you're broke, exactly. - Exactly. - But you've been taking care of you after slinging her tits and fucking wings around, and now you're getting free tits from the nose job guy. - He didn't even give you a proper nose job. - He probably didn't even pay for that meth, you free loader. - Yeah, that was crazy, but then Jax wasn't done. He was on a roll, so now Tom and Tom are talking and Schwartz is all like, oh, he's having a hard day and he's talking, this is just, he's so sick of it. He just wanted to quit that job, and now everyone's yelling at him, and everyone's scolding him and telling him what to do, and he just wants to quit a job, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then Tom, Sandoval's like, yeah, man, oh no. So they're just sort of broing out with a conversation. And then Jax just starts going in on Tom. He starts like badgering him, and Tom doesn't want to hear it. So then Sandoval, he says the weirdest thing, but I still don't understand. He goes, he's like, dude, Jax, it's like, if you got drunk and you and Shay wrecked his car, and he broke his leg, and all of a sudden, I just want to talk about my band. I was like, what? I don't understand that at all. How is it, how are any of these things connected? Was he maybe saying that like, if he just wanted to talk about his band whenever she thinks she was happening? I couldn't understand it at all. - And then Jax, you can't expect me to explain it, 'cause I was just laughing my ass off. Stevie and Jax, so they'll put both the bands. - He's offering them Lisa Sangria or Lisa Rosé wine that his ass stole from the restaurant. - Yes. - Jesus Christ. - And then Jax goes, he goes-- - He's like, you're a band. - He's like, shut up about the band, and Tom's like, it's not about the band. He's like, I wasn't using that, he didn't say it, but he was using it as like a metaphor or a simole. But like, Jax, shut up about the band. It was very Yolanda Foster. And then, so that's when Tom's like, Tom's like, ugh, and then the other Tom walks away, and Jax goes to Tom, Sandoval. He's like, stop acting like you're the number one fucking guy in this group, man. I'm the number one guy in this group. I was like, I know people-- - This was a moment where I said, okay, surely, he's gonna sober up, you're like in five days, 'cause that shit lasts forever. And then he's gonna wake up from a really long nap, and then he's gonna eat something, and then he's gonna realize that was stupid. But nope, in his talking head, he's like, yeah, I'm sick of Tom thinking like, he's the head of this group. Like, he almost repeats the same thing. No, he says, I'm thinking, he's the team captain. I'm the team captain. - Yeah, I was like, do people, I was like, I never knew people really did talk, like they were on the OC. Like, they are really like, welcome to the OC, bitch. It is full on teen movie going on right now. - And Tom did my favorite Tom thing, where he gets so mad he's gonna start crying. - Yeah. - He's like, whatever Jax, like, you can say it like, how could you say that to me, man? That's not cool, man. Like, that's not cool, man, okay? Like, I'm getting up and I'm walking up, and I'm saying, how could he do that, man? It's not cool, man. - Yeah, well, but then Tom's like, he's like-- - He's looking ahead forward and patting his lips. - Yeah, but I love how Tom is like, Tom's just had a really bad day, man. He just had a bad, tough day. And Jax's like, well, my girlfriend is out there talking about going to surgery tomorrow. I'm like, listen, she's not like getting her liver removed. She's getting elective boob job surgery, okay? - For free. - Yeah, calm down. - That girl is not caught. She would too, she's the kind who's like, she's like, Tamara, never became the best at me. - Yeah. - While I was getting my boobs done for the fourth time. Like, what batches? - So then, so then Jax, he rationalizes this all by saying, you know, I do tell the truth. People just don't want to hear it. And I expect him to say, well, and I also lie, a lot. (laughs) - When have you ever told the truthful, this guy is a mess. - He only tells the truth if it's gossip. - It just brings me back to a Kim Richards thing, just because this is like the pre-moment before anybody has confronted him, that he's a total meth head loser, lying, stealing, cheating, doing all this shit. And everyone's like, oh no, he's just Jax, Jax being Jax. No, that guy's gonna be in rehab at some point, hopefully soon for his own sake. - Once this show over the, he's over the hill and over the top. - Once the show is over, then yes, next up is Celebrity Rehab. Oh my God, I hope not, because people on that show die. I don't want him to die, I just want him to maybe get help. I mean, I don't even know what his real personality is. He's just so shifty, I'm blaming drugs because I cannot believe that somebody's that terrible. I can't believe that somebody that naturally gorgeous would be that compulsively terrible all the time to everybody. - I know, right? - I have to blame the drugs, guys. - Blame the drugs, that's what-- - Whether or not they're, what if he's not even doing them? - Even if it's in my own head, I would choose to believe that humanity can't sink that low without-- - Well, you can fame as a drug, so there's that. - Oh my God, but it's like waiter fame. That's the worst. I mean, to be famous and still have to go sling goat cheese and bananas. - That's the best part about this show is that everyone here is, you know, they're now famous, but they will only, they can only continue to be famous by continuing to be waiters. Like they're locked in, it's the greatest irony, and Stasi tried to fly the coop, but she couldn't, I mean, Kristin flew the coop, but she's still hanging around us. She's sort of like an honorary waitress. - They all come back, they fly the coop, but then they're still having-- - It's the most brilliant thing. - So back to that goddamn restaurant all the time. Stasi's out there begging for scraps, poor thing. - Yeah, it's 'cause their fame, the premise of their fame is that they're waiters and waitresses, so if they abandon that, then they can't be famous anymore. It's the most amazing contract. - And garbage man. - Social contract. - The reality show. - Van de Pump picks up your garbage cans. - The spinoff. - Van de Pump stools. Hey, aren't you on TV? - Yes, I will take a picture with you. Sorry, I got a little baby shit on me when I was moving that last house. - Yeah. - Well, guess what, we made it to the end. - We did it. - Even with a fire in the middle, we made it to the end. So, thanks everyone for listening. We have a subscriber hanging out tonight at 6 p.m. Pacific. You can go to Patreon. If you donate a Patreon at a certain level, you will get all access to all the details. Come join us. Hopefully you've gone this far. And the hangout hasn't already happened. - Oh yeah, and I'm putting the new ringer up this week. It's by Lean saying zippet. Which is, I think it's my first by Lean ringer. I don't even think that we've ever done. - You're a beast, you beast. - But that'll be it for my end. You'll hear it right now. Have a good day, bye. - We love you guys. - Love you. - Bye. 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