- This episode is sponsored by DoorDash. - You've heard us talking about the latest dash pass annual plan benefit. Stream max with ads included at no extra cost. If you haven't tried it yet, what are you waiting for? - Ronnie, you're a big Last of Us fan, right? - Oh, I sure am. The HBO original The Last of Us. It's about to start another season. - What would you order on DoorDash while you watch The Last of Us? - Well, while I'm watching Last of Us, I prefer eating salads from DoorDash because the zombies are plants. So you're kind of eating the zombie plant people, you know? - Oh, good. You're restoring order. - Yeah, it's on fan. (laughs) - Sign up for a dash pass annual plan and get max included at no extra cost. - It's your door to more. - Max is now included with your dash pass annual plan. Stream max with ads up to $120 value included at no extra cost. - In terms of supply, see DoorDash.com/max for details. - We know you're listening because you can't get enough drama. - But there are some things that should stay drama free. - Like getting birth control, accessing gender affirming care, getting tested for STIs. - Health care shouldn't be dramatic, but lawmakers insist on attacking our rights to get the care we need and deserve. - Your gift to Planned Parenthood helps all people no matter their race, sexual orientation, gender identity, zip code, income, or immigration status get affordable, high quality care without judgment, stigma, or drama. So don't wait, make your gift now at PlannedParenthood.org/protect. - Watch what Crapins would like to fake its premium sponsors, Marvin J. and Kristy Doherty. We love you. (upbeat music) (upbeat music) - Hello everybody and welcome to the Watch what Crapins podcast. The podcast about all that crap we'd love to talk about on the old bribes. I'm Ronnie Caron from Trash Talk TV, and as usual, I'm with the gorgeous in love, comforting, wonderful, huggaboo, Ben Mandelker of the B-side blog. - And the banter blender podcast, hello, Ben. - Hi, Ronnie. - Ben, you're my Valentine, okay. - Aw, so Ronnie, you can share Valentine's duty with my boyfriend. We're just, we're a modern poly family now. - I'm darling, I came first and I'll be here after. - Even if you marry that fucker, I will be alright. Even if I die first, I'll be around. - You can be the ring bearer. - Oh no, I don't wanna wear a suit. I'll be in the back. - Don't you want to throw petals down on the aisle? - No, and if you get married at Doran Palm Springs, I'm gonna murder you. - Everybody, thank you so much for listening. We just recorded a cray cray bonus episode about the Grammys, OJ, and what was the other thing doing? - No, Teresa, watch what happens live, Warehouse was in New Jersey, and to come from the '80s, it's about women in prison. - Yeah, before Orange is the new black, there was women in prison, and we revisit it on both sides. - Back in the '80s when keyboards were still allowed in prison cells. (both laughing) - It's true, it's funny 'cause it's true. Wendy Joe Sperber on keyboard in a jail cell. I mean, no wonder why the show is greenlit. - So if you guys wanna listen to that, just become a premium subscriber. We do those things every week. Go to patreon.com/watchwickcrapins. Thank you to everybody who does that. We love you guys. This week is our Google Hangout. It's our video chat Hangout. We do them once a month. It's this Thursday night, which is February something-ish at 6 p.m. Pacific. So just come to Patreon or Facebook, whatever, to find out how to get involved with that. That's gonna be a good time. It's a busy crapins week being. Also go to Facebook.com/watchwickcrapins. If you want to talk crap with us and other listeners, do live show threads and all that good stuff, we're come to watchwickcrapins.com. All of our links are there, our personal links, our professional links, our new pictures. It's all there, people. We've got a humongoloid show today because the Real Housewives of Atlanta and Potomac are both back and we've got some top chef action as well. - And isn't it someone's birthday too? - Yes, I'm getting ready. - I'm getting ready to jump out of a cake because it's somebody's birthday today. - Yeah, it's not just anybody's birthday. - It's someone very, very, very special. - Is it President Obama? - No. - Man, is it Bette Midler? - No. - How patriotic and gay can I be at the same time? - Today's birthday is Tricia. Tricia, happy mother effing birthday lady. Your children love you so much. They got us to do this. They love you so much. They just want to say that your other daughter is a cut fitness. Yeah, Tricia. - Your birthday messages from Jen, who is a total cut fitness. So I guess it's this daughter. And Haley, who's your favorite daughter? Oh, Haley. Haley would be my favorite too. I love that name, Haley. It's a comment that only comes around for every hundred years or so. - Yeah. And I want also Tricia to know that she shares her birthday with the boyfriend of the other one 'cause today's the weekend's birthday. So really you're connected to Yolanda. - Oh my God. Trish, just take the vow out of your name and you'll be closer to the weekend. You never hurt. You're sturdy. - I'm looking to see if maybe there's another Bravo star, but no, I can't see any. - Well, happy birthday, Saba. And thanks you guys for being part of the Crap and Spamble with Lopia. - We do, we really do. - So before we get on to our shows today, let us do some very special. (humming) Crap and Spailbag. Yeah, there we go. Sorry, I didn't have it ready. - For those of you guys who missed the Grammys, this one, today. - Yeah, yeah. - So congratulations, Bean. - Oh, wait, I just want to add, 'cause of course I always get absorbed on these birthday lists, but Trisha also shares a birthday with the late Kim Jong-il. So really it's a special day. - Oh my God, so at least one of your children will be as evil as you. I'm assuming the cut fitness chance. - And she refers to herself as a cut fitness. I love it. That's an ill right there. - I'm closing up this birthday list 'cause otherwise I need to be sitting there pouring through it for-- - Kim Jong-il! - Okay, so Crap and Spailbag, we still have something left over from last week. Lauren Grabowski, as promised, here is your question. She, she asked, she doesn't really ask, she demands, she's demanding that Lauren Grabowski. - I like it. - She says, "Please answer these questions "from the proof questionnaire "and the voices of the Bravo Lebanese I ask you to." She really is. - Yes, I like it. - And the answer in the voices. So she says, "In Tom Sandoval's voice, "what is your greatest fear?" - You wanna go first, you go first. I'm not afraid. - I think that Kristin, I think like someone took away the razors and I can't shade my forehead right now, Kristin. - My greatest fear, Kristin, is dying with Pornhub open on my iPad with like M&M rappers under my mattress. - Which is probably how I'll die, let's face it. - Kristin. - Kristin, my greatest fear is that Ariana won't learn her lesson and will continue dripping pain on the new carpet. - My greatest fear is burning alive, like Kristin's vagina after she cheated on me the third time, Kristin. - Then what is the trait you deplore in yourself in Liza's voice from Secret and Wives? - Liza, Prince, Secret and Wives, okay. - Oi, hey, about myself! I just am a hateful human being. I hate my negativity, okay? - You know what I realized? - You know what I said, myself, I wish I had stronger legs, that way I wouldn't be so paralyzed all the time. I wish, I hate that I have such a good sense of humor, that way I wouldn't go around. Liza, hang everyone all the time, I can't help it. You got Liza, I hate that I'm so negative, that it's paralyzed me and I hate even more wheelchairs because I can't even move my arms to get the wheels to move. Ooh, paralyzed! I wish my asshole were a little bit larger so when Jonathan sticks his thumb up it, it would feel nice. - I hate that I've hated myself for so long, that I've literally become a bouncy house that Jonathan fingers other people's wives in. That's what I hate, paralyzed! Hey, hey, boys! - Um. Okay, which words or phrases do you most overuse in Bethany Boys? - I mean, I don't know, I mean, what's a phrase? What's the word? I mean, I really don't use any other phrases. I don't use any phrases. I just say things, I just say what comes to my head. I don't use any phrases. I mean, literally if I have to think of a phrase, I use all the time, I will literally be on the floor crying, okay? My wall is up. When it comes to phrases, my wall is up. I don't have any phrases. My wall is up, okay? My wall is up. Just shoot me on the head right now because my wall is up right now, okay? - Like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, get out of here, like, like, get out of here, like, get out of here, like, you know what I hate? Like, you know what I hate? Like, like, like, like, like, like, like. The end, thank you. See ya. - Um, and one last one. Let's see. How about, um, I'm trying to figure which one would be a fun one. - One would also really, really, like, really, like, really. - Who is your, who is your favorite hero of fiction in the Shina Shay voice? - My favorite hero of fiction. - My favorite hero of fiction is God. 'Cause he's like, so hot. Like, he's older about life. I wasn't cheating, but like, it's God. And he was the first person that was like, "Listen, you're not a whore. "You're a child of God and a whore. "And I still love you whore. "Bab! "Fitchboat God!" (laughing) - My favorite hero of fiction is Ethan Frome, because I love Ethan, I'm furniture, and I love Frome things. (laughing) - I hate the girl from the Hunger Games, but that's like, if you're hungry, you're not doing it right. (laughing) - Like, you know what I hate the most? Is everyone in Twilight? Like, how about a book about the daytime? I love day drinking. (laughing) I hate Twilight drinking. - I love Helen Kelly. Because she's like, like, she was blind, but she was still a damn good waitress. (laughing) - You know who I hate? Bill Radley, like, who kills Mockingbirds? (laughing) - That's so generous to Shina that she hasn't even read any of those books. I can't even believe I opened Ethan Frome. I was like, what am I thinking? - Well, my friend's a buck, I can't wait a Terry Potter 'cause scar's your grouse, bro! (laughing) - Okay, so now, next, next person. Okay, so, Michael Horn asks, if you could switch a housewife to another city, who would it be? How would they interact with that cast? For example, I would love to see Shannon on Atlanta and Ramona or Shire on Cheshire. - Ramona or Shire on Cheshire? That would be amazing, okay. - Okay, well, 'cause they'd be like, ♪ Today we went to the animal sanctuary ♪ ♪ Ramona, do you wanna come to sanctuary? ♪ - It's great, what are you saying? I can't understand you, okay? You know what, whoa, this is really weird. It's like I'm hearing these strange voices, okay? And it reminds me of like when I was a child and my father invited Jolene Parsons Smith over and it was begin Pig Latin, and I was saying, what are you saying? I can't understand what you were saying, and they got them saying, an upshay, an upshay. And I was like, I don't get it, I don't get it, and they slammed me into a locker, okay? - Having me the tea party in your giant house, okay? Here's my question for you guys. How come you have 20 couches in the living room, okay? Like, this is how we do things in America, okay? We have one couch, maybe an easy chair. The end, like, what's with 20 couches? Why are they all brown? Why are they all in the middle of the living room? Okay, like I don't even know how to deal with this. - Why is there so much purple and silver crushed velvet, okay? It's just, I'm sorry, it's day class, I'm sorry. It's not nice, doesn't remind me of sunshine, I'm sorry, okay? - You do what his name is, Dobby? Like, who would name that kid after something used in a binkle hole, okay? - Okay. (laughing) - Oh, let's do one last one. Okay, Kathy says, okay. So Tamra is holding a Contillian training academy to teach the housewives who need it, how do, how a housewife behaves. A short bus has come to pick up 2D, Eileen, Cynthia, Lizzie, Megan, Sharice, and Jacqueline Lareda. Who else needs Contillian Academy? What would be the five courses taught, and what past or present housewives would teach each course? - Oh my goodness. - And then she says, her friend Seth and her love us, and are curious about our thoughts. I don't know if you can-- - Hi. - Hi Seth. - Hi, Kathy. - So, okay, what? (laughing) - Who needs to go to Contillian Academy, basically? Who needs to get-- - I'm like a, I'm like a Snickers bag in a Weight Watchers class, okay? You need to get the bite size version. These questions are getting so multi-tiered, people would keep it simple. That was like, question one A, furthermore, one B and such, two three, C, part five. - Asterisk. - And please just a question in these three voices. - Okay, so if someone had to go to Contillian, so far I think it would mean, and I think this is just because I just watched a show. (singing in foreign language) She's feeling so many times, she could really tell somebody out, but she doesn't really do it, because she's like, I'm serious. - If that really offended you, I'm sorry. - And she needs to be taught by Mimi. - Yeah. - I would like to see just nonsense coming out of her mouth that makes no sense. I'd like her to be like, (singing in foreign language) but like, blue ponio, you know? Because here's what I say, like, blue queen, okay? Like, you're not a bitch. (singing in foreign language) (laughing) - She could also learn from Vicky's. - No, you know, I'm not, I'm not sorry, but like, no, I'm not a sex with multiple partners, so like, I'm certainly... (laughing) If it offended you that I'm not a sex with multiple partners, then like, I'm really sorry about that, but blue bitch. (singing in foreign language) (laughing) - She could learn from Teresa too, I said. I feel like Ashley wouldn't be able to flip the table. She's like, hey, can someone come over here and help me flip this table please? 'Cause there's the table where I actually first fell in love with my husband. Yeah, that's really great. I looked at it, I googled this table actually, 'cause you know, I googled all the furniture and it turns out that like, this is a really popular table, and also no wonder I fell in. I really connected with it. So can someone help me flip it, please? Thanks. (singing in foreign language) And I'm not sure I'm complaining back again, ringing, and I really respect restaurants, so I'm not gonna mess up this table right now, okay? But you better bloop to this side, okay, queens. (laughing) - How do you get up with tables with them? No tables with being right, queen, right? (laughing) It's your face. (laughing) It's your table. (laughing) But, by wig. - Who else means? - I would say, normally I would say Eileen, but she's letting it out a little bit more. Probably Lisa Rina, because I think Lisa Rina has such a seaward inside of her that I would love to see come out a bit more, and you're starting to see it a bit more as the season progresses, and we get to see her blogs and stuff. Like she's her and Yolanda are going at it as we read in last week's Twitter piece theater over here on The Watch what Crapins. But I would love to see her just, I want her to be choking a turkey neck every fucking week. I want her to be throwing glasses, hurling towards people's faces every week. - Absolutely, yeah. Well, I'm thoroughly entertained with Lisa Rina. I think she's doing a good job. I don't think she needs to go to Contillion. I think that I'm trying to think of who really needs to go to Contillion. Especially because they already mentioned that 2D, I mean, 2D is already doing a pretty good job with her own Contillion. And, you know, Cynthia Lizzie, Megan, Megan King-Admins doesn't need to go to Contillion. She's, she is there. She's already like the social share, right? She sent out the invitations. - I've got tenure, okay. - She's mini Tamara, don't forget Tamara even said she's mini me. That is like being said, I am leaving the organization and I am leaving it in your hands, Megan King-Admins. - Yeah, that is like being blessed by the, you know. - How about Cathy Wicheli? Cathy Wicheli could go to Contillion. - Oh, Cathy Wicheli. Oh my God. That, I don't ever want to see that woman being nice or mean or anything on my TV. Get the fuck out of here, Cathy, with your fucking terribly clear kit. Oh, no, not a clear. What are those things, those top, those Italian taco desserts? What are they called? - Yeah. - Like world tacos? - Oh, can only, get out of here with your cannoli kit. - Get out, get out. - I get a deep fright. - Get out. - Can only in your fucking, we have a Michaels, okay? I can buy a cylinder there. - Yeah. - Please leave. - All right, well, that's it for the Crapin's mail bag this week. So thank you everyone. ♪ Mailbag mail bag go ♪ Remember if you want to submit to the Crapin's mail bag and have your question read on the error. You just go over to Patreon. You can support us at the mailbag level. It's over there. And leave your question in the comment section of the latest mailbag post. Don't send us a message 'cause we may not see it. - Y'all. Okay, so let us move on. What show do you want to start with, Benjaminius? - Um, I don't know, there's, there's, I can't decide between Potomac and Atlanta. They're both were thoroughly entertaining. What do you want to start with, Ronnie? - I'd say Atlanta-ers. - All right. - Because my mentor already pulled up and I won't have to be like, you know, swiping around and figuring out where I put my notes. - Yeah. - So here we are, "Real Housewives of Atlanta" ♪ Silly in Jamaica, man ♪ - Jamaica. - What are you doing right now? - I was, I thought you had more to say. - No, are you playing Tetris or some shit over there? - No, you learned that from "Straightman" over at the improv? - Oh yeah, when he was playing "Tender Tetris." No, I thought you were going to say more. - No, I was just saying, we're still in Jamaica. (laughing) - Come on, Jamaica. - After celebration, can they keep it down? - So like, I don't know if I skipped up. I'm trying to look because this stuff looks like it's later on in the show. So I'm not sure. Oh, okay, I was scrolled down. You guys, I'm really stupid. It's like our Monday, okay? So, okay, we open on the bus. - Right, they're going to the bus because this is right after Cynthia's had her argument with Kenya where Kenya is like, you're not a real friend to me, Cynthia. You know, all that stuff. - You can totally tell I was eating pizza during this because I cannot tell what I'm talking about. I said the bus, mall on bus, mail on bus. What does that mean? - I don't know. But basically, they were all going, they went on the bus 'cause they were all going to go to Peter's family to meet Peter's family in Kingston. - I'm going to take you a tour on where I come from. Everybody's going to see where this little ceiling grew into a tree. - Yeah, what portal of hell are they being taken to? - No kidding, it's like how many different brands of cardboard boxes do we need to see Peter? It's like a neighborhood of cardboard boxes, okay? Like there's a Charmin over there. It's like a big old Nabisco crate. Like, what the hell, Peter? This is not a tour, okay? Go to a recycling plant. - Well, I'm not saying that the shanty towns are like a portal of hell. I'm just saying, like, I don't want to see the origins of Peter 'cause it cannot be good. - Well, it's a Charmin box. - It's a shanty town though. (laughing) As it happens, it was a shanty town. - Listen, great things have come from shanty towns. - Just not Peter. - Just not Peter, Peter was not one of them. - You know, it's like from rags to riches, it's more like from rags to, like, cleaner rags. - From rags to paper towels. (laughing) - It's like going from viva to bounty. (laughing) - So, okay, yeah, now I'm caught up in my notes. I know what the hell I'm doing now. - Okay, so Cynthia comes on to the bus late because Cynthia, God bless her heart. Cynthia's one of those kids in school that you just know doesn't have a lot of hope. I mean, even though she is a supermodel and everything else, it's over now. Let's get over it. Okay, you won, Cynthia. But she's one of those kids in school that you know probably doesn't have much hope, but God bless her, she keeps trying. She keeps trying so fucking hard, Cynthia. She's like, I'll show up to the bus late and then I'll start crying about stuff and stand up on the bus and give a monologue about it. She's stupid and I love that Phaedra was just looking at her with that awkward, like-- - Yeah. - She just saw someone else's baby shittle over their face and she's like-- - Phaedra's in destroying this, but I'm trying to be supportive, but not really. - Phaedra was sitting there with her tongue out in a straw right up, she was a little, she'll soda can with a straw poked right into her tongue, which was gaping out of her mouth and she just standing there like that. I almost took a picture of it and Cynthia's like, no, I'm just sad because you know, it's like I love all of you. Like we all have different friendships. I'm not saying she's not a friend, you know, she's not my best friend, but like my friendship with you is different than my friendship with you. She's just crying, whatever. She's frustrated. - But she's so stupid. She goes, some, we were doing fine and then some very super awesome special person told Kenya that I said she wasn't my best friend and she raised like, well, am I the super, am I the super super super super super super super super. - This is the super awesome person I've elected. Super awesome person I've elected. - That's a tongue twister. - Am I the super super super super super super super super. - That's why she can't even speak because she's like her own tongue twister to do her own voice. - What's with her little, I don't know, what do you mean? (mumbles) - She was, she's like, I didn't say it, I always say it was, what'd you say? And Cynthia's like, I did not say that Kenya is not my best friend. If you're gonna repeat it, repeat it right. Okay, cut to Kenya saying exactly that. What are you doing, Cynthia? This is all on camera. That's literally what you said, you dumb dumb, but she's like gonna sit there and cry. I do have to give her credit though. - Those were real tears. - At first they weren't. But then we cut back to the scene and she was actually crying. I was so proud of her. That's a very difficult to do. - And meanwhile, Kenya and Matt were in a bubble bath and talking about, like, you know, I don't even remember what they were talking about, just general shadiness, et cetera, et cetera. - Kenya's in the hot tub with her big gay ape of a boyfriend, like, hey, my feelings were really hurt because Cynthia said something mean to me and then, and he's like, what does Nini have to do with this? She's like, well, because I'm like, girl please, like you don't have every episode on your DVR at home. - And buying that. - Yeah. - He's very cute, but also-- - We got a little rage from him in this episode. - Yeah, he's a little bonkers. - He's a goliath of a man, he's just gigantic. And then he does that thing a lot of really gigantic over worked out people do where they give you that look, like they make their eye, one eyebrow go up and the other eyebrow go, like John Black acting from Days of Our Lives, Days of Our Lives Browse, basically, where he's like trying to look like he's thinking really deeply. But you know all that's going on in there, it's like, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. - Totally. - He's like, what? - What? - I don't know music. - Somebody bubbles all around. Are we in a cloud or does bubble bath? - Whoa. - Am I on a TV? Where are the scammers looking at me? (laughing) - A lot of me in a bathtub. - Whoa. - So we-- (laughing) - We arrive at Peter's name-- - He has to stand for us chance. - Wait, what are you gonna say? - I said he doesn't understand the present tense. (laughing) - Wait, are we back in Atlanta? I've got a tub in Atlanta. I'll be back in Atlanta. We've got more tubs. - It's warm in here. I like the warm. Am I in a laundry machine? (laughing) - Wait a second. This pool, this is a really, really small swimming pool. We have a life garden do we? - Muhammad Ali looks really good in that wig. (laughing) - Hey, I fell on the toilet. I'm totally a submission of the toilet. And there's soap in here. - Matt, this is a bathtub. This isn't a toilet. Oh, well, you might wouldn't get out then. (laughing) - Okay, yeah. God bless your heart. So we finally get to Peter's neighborhood. And he's talking about being poor and stuff. I don't know what he said. Yard to riches, what did he say? - Yeah, I think that he said yard to riches. I don't know what that means. Lots of goats. Oh, Phaedra's like, ooh, look at the goats. Mm, I'm hungry for those goats. Mm, I'm gonna eat those goats. Okay, so I don't know what Phaedra found in Jamaica to snort. Phaedra is doing this thing where she's sticking her tongue all the way out of her mouth. That shit is long. - Yeah. - And she's doing this laugh where she's going, (screaming) - I'm saying this. It's like this gurgly. (screaming) - I'm sorry, I'm just making myself laugh. - No, she was making all sorts of strange noises. She was like one with a goat. She was one with a goat because she was turning into a goat. - Yeah. (screaming) - Look at those goats. (screaming) - By the way, they went and they got a full-on spread of like fish and grilled lobster and fried. It looked so good. I was turning into Phaedra. I was like, (screaming) I wanted it so badly. - All that food. I just put Peter's family lives in a coke machine. (laughing) - I know that's so terrible. What do you expect? - So let me see. Family's important to me. That's why I started Five of My Own. (laughing) - Exactly. (laughing) - I love this brew. I love family. That's why I've got 20 of them scattered across America. He's like, I have to admit, this fish shack is a lot fancier than bar one. I got my work cut out for me. - Well, that fish shack was a shack and it reminded, I mean, not reminded me, but it really illustrated Peter's design sensibilities. - A aesthetic, yes. - Yeah, 'cause it's literally just cardboard tape to some wood. And I was like, oh, it's like his coffee shop and his brewery and his future car wash or whatever the hell it's gonna go on. - It's entire manufacturing operation behind Peter's brew. - What do you tape on stickers over the Starbucks cups? (laughing) - We have the old Maxwell house cans. - This is my answer list. She sits in the back and cuts out Uncle Ben's face and then pays it on top of rice. Oh, not rice, what does he sell? - Coffee. - In my coffee shop, what we do is we pay it to V under all the chases choice things so that way it looks like Peter's tastes his voice. (laughing) - That's what you call business. - We find out that Peter's nickname growing up was Elvis. - What the hell? I mean, Elvis was accused of stealing a lot of music and then bringing it to America and making it popular. - Peter's stolen a lot of other brands but he hasn't quite reached the Elvis level of sales. I don't think yet. I don't know what he's thinking. I'm just imagining that he puts bananas in all of his sandwiches 'cause why else would they say that? - Maybe it was just (laughing) maybe, you know, like they thought the song Jailhouse Rock was predictive for Peter's future. - They're like, listen, Peter, when you go to jail, it's very important that you still remember how to rock. Like, okay, thank you, answer list. (laughing) - By the way, I don't even know if you're answering this. - It's just for hoping that you would leave the building. (laughing) - Elvis has left the building. - Elvis has left the Sharman box. - Peter's brew has left the distribution plant. (laughing) - AKA Starbucks. - Echo. (laughing) I just bought some Senka. - So, Tootie is getting ready for the Marshall. What am I saying here? - Oh, I just like Phaedra. Sometimes I just write down everything Phaedra says, 'cause I really don't have that much to say about her. I just laugh whenever she talks. But I like that she's like, Tootie was like, okay, everybody, cover your asses, okay? I don't want you coming with your booties, hanging all that. And Phaedra's like, I thought, I thought my ass, I was gonna contribute my ass to this shoot, (laughing) - Just cracking up for herself or her nothing. Every time Phaedra speaks, I'm just gonna do that laugh. Sorry, everybody in your car, who's almost crashing into trees. - I know, it's got to be obnoxious as hell. I know. - I like it. - So they go back to the hotel and you gotta love this cast because all they do is eat. - Show. - Yeah. - This is a breakfast. - My favorite thing was to dinner to snack time. That's every scene in this show. - This is my favorite part was that they get up to the spread and pour. She's like, oh, they put out some fish for us. They're like, no, those are plantains. (laughing) Poor girl. - You guys got those fish on. - No, poor chef. - You know, just fish glow on trees. - So they go to, the guys are having a drink and Peter, they're really not doing us any favors here. Peter has already been acting like a housewife ever since he's been on this show and now this trip is all about Peter and his journey. So Peter is like the head housewife in this scene and a new hot, gigantic boyfriend, gay boyfriend comes over to try and talk and Peter starts grilling him over nothing. I don't even understand what they were talking about. - But honestly, it was not a heavy or intense grilling. He was just asking questions. He's like, tell us about it, whatever. And I guess he asked about Matt's age, right? And Matt was like, well, you know my age. And he's like, no, he's like, oh, that's what I'm asking. He's like, 28, they're like, oh, okay. And then, but Matt got super defensive. I think he thought they were coming for him. And then, 'cause then he's ready. - Because no one can understand what the hell Peter's saying. He's like, 28, oh really, 28 huh? Oh, so what you do? - He's like, I'm a personal trainer. - Oh, personal trainer, 28, huh? Yeah, yeah, we're gonna, yeah, that's what happens 'cause you know, and that's what we're gonna say to you. So that's what you do because you're 28. And he wasn't even saying anything. I don't even know what the fuck the guy was talking about. And I'm trying to transcribe it. - Yeah, Matt was, well, Matt started going, he was getting real chippy. He was being standoffish and then he just was, he had a lot of attitude 'cause I think his guard was up, he thought they were gonna come for him. So then, then Peter was like, I'm just trying to get to know you, just wanna ask questions. And then I was like, wait, you bit? Well, okay, old man, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it just was like this really random, royalty kind of spat. - Yeah, that was really weird. Peter's like drunk and high. The other ones just had to stare at Kenya's face all day. God bless his heart. They're both totally confused. Like they're just shell-shot. And then you've got Greg who sleeps all the, all you see Greg is sleeping. That's all he's up to. He's like, cut to Greg, sleeping, mouth wide open. But Greg's like, 28, 28, you have children. You don't have any children. - That's sort of, man, children by 28. I was like, we had to really work against the stereotype. - Peter already had nine children by the time. He was 28, what are you doing? - I like that he gets like Mama Joycey when he's just incredulous of Greg. So then what's his buttons? Maps like, you wanna talk? Let's go outside and talk then. I'll talk outside, I'll wait for you outside. - And Peter's like, what are you doing outside? What's outside? There's no bar outside. Whatever, what's it going? - Let's one with that guy. - My God. - So funny. - Small hips. And then they start talking about him. I love that the men get so defensive about age just like the women do. At the end of the day, the men are bitches too. And we all, all of us men know it. But he leaves and then they're like, what's wrong with him? - He's kind of small. - Yeah, he's so small. He's got like big shoulders and tiny hips. Like big shoulder, tiny hips. - Like yeah, you sure showed him, Peter. - Hell. - Yeah. What a terrible quality to have. A perfect V-shaped figure. (laughing) - And they say small hips, small brains. - Oh, good, Peter, go away. - Well, it's better than having big hips pop belly and also small brains. You have small brains, at least it looks super hot while you have the small brains. - If you don't. - At least the tape isn't coming off of his stolen Starbucks cap, Peter. So next is Nini and Kenya because Nini is like nice. - Because who knows why? I don't even know why she's doing it, but she has to film with people or she can't be on the show anymore. I'm guessing, 'cause last year she wouldn't film with anybody. So this year she's like, oh, don't worry. I'll go up and I'll be the one to talk to Kenya. - Oh, okay. So she goes up and she talks to Kenya and Kenya's like, I was waiting for a tuna sandwich, ha, ha, ha, ha. And that big little girl laughs, she does. And Nini's like, well, I'll tell you this, I'm not a tuna sandwich. She's like, ha, ha, ha, you're not a tuna sandwich, ha, ha. And Nini's like, no, that's right. I'm not a tuna sandwich. What you want a tuna sandwich? What is going on? What are these people smoking today? Give it to me. - Yeah. - A whole tuna sandwich scene. So they end up going downstairs where all the ladies at Golsa thing and Kenya starts her whole. - I'm so hurt by Cynthia. - And then Cynthia insists that she never said anything and they hug or whatever. - Yeah, they just say that they come from a place of love, all that stuff. - So then it starts getting good. And the minute that they've made up and they finish that fake storyline, they move on to the one that everyone's been alluding to for weeks now, which is like, oh, Kim isn't here, great. This is a perfect time for me to just go right out of her. - Yes. So yeah, Kenya is so immature that she can't get Tootie. So she's gonna go for Tootie's husband. - Yeah. - You know, that's how Kenya rolls. - Yeah. - She's a horrible human being. So she starts going off about how he's gay and people call him Chrissy. She's like, you know, like, Kim and Chrissy, or what is she saying? Like Laverne and Shirley? Or she was coming up with all of these different things. - He's a Broadway actor, okay? - Oh yeah, Tootie Friti. - He's Broadway, what does that tell you? - Well, you know, this thing's sort of like, what was funny is that everyone took it at face value. You know, Kenya's like, she's like, I heard that he's known as Chrissy, not Chris. I'm like, you probably just made that up yourself and you're passing it off as if it's fact. But then everyone's like, well, he, the face was like, well, he is sassy. He is awfully funny and he does dance. I actually got to like rub me the wrong way because aside from the fact that it was so like, so rude to be basically calling this guy gay, like on TV when no one, he can't defend himself. They're basically sullying his reputation as a straight married man when he's a family, et cetera. Not to say that being gay is an insult, but you know, it's basically what they're trying to do here. That was off-putting enough. But what sort of, there is like, definitely some homophobic aspects of it too. Like, well, he is awfully funny. He does, he is rather sad. He does dance. You know, it's one of those things that like, gosh, like, is this what makes someone gay if you do any of these things? I mean, he does. - Well, I mean, I've been to a gay bar. I mean, I think I've brought you the wins in twice today and like five other musical. - I do, but I don't know. I think it's almost, I get what you're saying, but to me, it was more than a phobia. It was almost like, they liked him better for being gay. They're like, well, he is funny and he is talented. And I was like, this is like the best stereotype ever, okay? Like, these are all the best qualities. - It just reminded me of whenever it was when Nini Leakes was talking about someone being like, he's not being gay. He's like, he's being a queen or something like that. Like she-- - Well, Nini is the worst. - She said that about, I think it was Apollo. I forget who it was. Some guy that, you know, it's one of these things where, I don't know, there's something kind of, I don't know, something off-putting there that rubbed me the wrong way when they were during this scene, for sure. - Yeah, I think I was just laughing so hard because a Kenya is just the lowest of the low. I mean, this woman is just awful. Out of all the housewives ever, she's gotta be the most horrible because she really just will make up thing. And not really that she's making this up. He does seem kind of gay, like everybody's noticed, but he's very effeminate. But-- - That's funny, I didn't think of him. - Oh, when he gets, you know, sassy with other girls, yeah, he's totally queen. He like, girl, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like, he snarks off those, like, you expect him to snap after. Like, when Nini was like, oh, you go girl, whatever she said last week, 'cause he does get like, snappy queen or whatever with him. But they're saying about it, we're so funny. Faedra, hmm, he's got some fire in his fireplace. - What does that mean? - He'll keep you warm in the winter. It's like all these wonderful things. He's like really dependable siding. - I like that that's what I'm talking about. - It also reminded me of like the 40s or something when people spoke and coded language, being like, well, he's awfully funny. He makes me laugh. It's like, he's a flaming queen. - And Nini said, he told me he was a Broadway actor and he was like, what did he play, Roxy? - Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. - Which I think is funny that she's referencing Chicago, which has every celebrity guest in the world playing Chicago. But guess who hasn't and never will, Kenya more. And another thing when they were saying, where did you even hear this? She's like, I've been in this industry for 20 years, okay? I've worked with her on Living Single. I'm like, Kenya, you showed up as an extra to eat Fritos off the craft services bar. Who the fuck do you think you're kidding? We all have the internet stupid. What's the industry, YouTube comments? Shut up, Kenya more. We all saw your terrible sitcom shampoo commercial. Do you haven't even made shampoo yet? - Was Chris even in the picture during Living Single? - I don't even know. - That was a while ago. - I don't even know, Kenya's full of shit. Look up her IMDB, she's just full of lie. And I'm not saying she was never doing a guest spot on Living Single, but to pretend that she's like, oh, we worked together on Living Single. We've done all this stuff together and we're both the same director in the running for the same projects. Kenya, shut up, okay. You can't even keep your damn story straight. Be quiet over there. But thank you all the way because you're finally making Kim lose it. And she needs to stay on this show. So I can't, oh, and Minnie. - Well, I can't tell you if he can host fashion queens or not. - Nice plug for the Bravo universe. - And Portia. - I never got Nikkei by from Chris. And then they just stay on her until she starts laughing. (laughs) And then finally, Sharay, the best comment of all of them. She goes, that isn't right. He's not here to defend himself. And you know what? If Chris wants to go around on the weekend and go on through there and live with all these boys and have sex with multiple boys and then come home and be a family man on Monday, then that's up to him. - That cracked me up. I love on the one hand, she's both saying, on one hand, she's saying, it's not right to impune his reputation. It's ridiculous. And then on the other hand, she is then taking a step further and smearing him even more. - Oh, deal crazy. - Listen, I think it's terrible to think about Chris potentially doing things like, you know, going around spreading AIDS amongst all the gay people. If he wants to do that, if he wants to be gay and have sex with little boys, that's his business. I'm not saying that he does that. But if he wants to, you know, just have sex with wild orgies up in New York, that's fine, that's his business. - First they're saying Chris is gay. Next, they're saying Chris is having sex with goats. And it's not up to me, that's up to them. - It's like it all leads to bestiality in the end. They're going to be having sex with babies and goats. The, the next day is the commercial suit, the Cynthia Bailey eyewear. She's got three whole pairs of glasses on one little plastic plate. (laughs) - Commercial. - Commercial, blah, blah, blah. I'm kind of fast forwarding through this in my mind because it's like him talking to a babysitter. - Yeah, it was like, they were shooting and they shot Cynthia from Super Far Away. And then they, you know, and then, oh no, it might ring. And it didn't, and then the rest of the gang shows up at like two and Kenya is already making some of their call sheets and which she wasn't exactly here. - What was your call seat? Did you even have one? You never even paid the actors in your damn project. What are you talking? She's like, this call sheet is so unprofessional. Look, it doesn't even have the entire production staff's name. Look, it doesn't even have what's being served on the craft services table. Look, it doesn't even have what the temperature is outside. I'm like, have you ever seen a call sheet because a call sheet does not have all that. It has a time and who needs to be there? - Kenya, stupid, your YouTube call sheet that you made from an Excel spreadsheet. She's got that, no one's buying it, lady, just like your shampoo. So then we get to see some of the productions commercial. And I guess from, I guess what the concept is that once Cynthia puts on the shades, then all of a sudden everyone wants to come take a selfie with her, which sounds like a nightmare. - No kidding, Phaedra's suddenly charging towards you with her camera face at you? Run girl, run. - And of course, you know, Phaedra and what's her face totally have their ass hanging out against Tootie's wishes. - Well, she hit them well though. She made Portia sit in a canoe. - Yeah, she's, it was Portia's, and she couldn't even do that right. She fell out at one point. On a land, a canoe on land, a flatable canoe. - Portia's out there looking for like banana fish. She's trying to fish for bananas. She's like, can this canoe go on the underground railroad? - Banana's telling me worms. - So they, I cannot wait to see this commercial because Tootie has Cynthia on this weird bridge thing behind, or in front of kind of this shack looking boat house or something. And she's like, okay, Cynthia, do your thing. And Cynthia is just looking really awkward, kind of pacing around, looking back and forth, like a really dumb person waiting for an elevator to come. - Like what are you gonna do with this footage exactly? - I can't wait to see this, this shitty commercial. Listen, I trust that Tootie can direct a multi cam half hour. I don't know if she can do a, I don't know if she can do a commercial. I guess we'll see. - Yes, we will. So they get in the bus and start getting-- - By the way, we have to mention that Kenya and Matt then went, went off, went off into the water. They were, went off in a paddle boat. I didn't say something about a paddle boat. Yes, she was in the paddle boat with him. She showed up and looked at them and just walked away from them and like went to the ocean with this boat. - Well then Cynthia, this is what I hated. That Cynthia then turned it into this whole thing like, that she's not being a friend. I need her support and she's off in a paddle boat. It's like, oh please. - You do not support. You're shooting a fake commercial and she's out there. The support is that she came on this trip in the first place. Okay, what do you, what do you need her to be there for? - And you know, they just made her come to you. They were like, okay, you are not going to do any more fake love scenes with this personal trainer who can barely speak a sentence. Okay, lady, like you're going to have to show up for one day. She's like, fine, I'll show up. And I'll go out and onto the ocean and a paddle boat. (humming) - And she's like, being a friend is not being a paddle boat. Whatever she's saying. - The definition of not, the definition of a friend isn't being in a paddle boat. (laughing) - It's like Webster, Webster's dictionary. - What? - Now? Now? - What? - That little boat got dictionary? (laughing) - Yeah, so Kenya's an asshole. Okay, so they get back on the bus and is this before or after? I start, oh, the lady is on their way there. We're giving Matt shit too, and I loved it. They were giving him all this shit about how him and Kenya spent his day, or how he and Kenya spent their day. And she's like, it was a wet sweet. (laughing) If age is like, wet, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. There were eggplant, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. She was sticking her tongue out and making basically nonsense statements over and over and laughing her face off while Matt looked like he didn't know whether to run, punch somebody. He didn't know what to do, and I love it. I love a confusing dumb, or a confused dumb man, and that's what he is, a giant one. Okay, so that was before. Sorry, I went a little out of order. Kenya and Mantaa, who cares. Oh, and he was saying the ancient brothers are a bit annoying, like they were coming after him. He's dumb, I don't care. Yeah, but then he goes, he plays pool, then he's like, piece of offering. He gives Peter a red stripe, which is a good piece of offering for him, 'cause that way Peter didn't have to buy a beer. Yeah, he's got, it's basically a bathroom add-on for his family. So, he's being nice, and then Kenya goes, you see, that's how to make up. You see bitches, that's how to do it. I'm like, when have you ever got a beer for anybody in your entire, you won't even do that at parties you supposedly cater and throw? There is nothing to drink. Someone drank out of a shampoo bottle, because that's how much you furnish for your own friends. Ken, how do you hear Kenya? Yeah, Tarte, what happened to that girl, by the way, anyway, where'd she go? Which girl? You're that girl who drank the-- Oh, Simea. Simea. I don't know, this whole season-- She seemed to get one long audition for people, and I think they were like, okay, Tammy, Simea, who was the other one? I think there was another one, right? I think there was another one. I don't remember at this point. They were like, five, we'll just bring Lini back for a few minutes. Yeah, we'll bring Lini back. Let Candy be pregnant over back in the mainland. Meanwhile, Tammy's still waiting outside the gate. Come in, please. In her robe. Trying to stand on her nephew's shoulder. He's like, don't disrespect me, Aunt. 28 buys Peter a beer, OK? Saw that. Kenya, this is how problems are solved, you're dumb. Cynthia wraps speech to Kim, and then Kenya is sitting there. Cynthia's like, I would not have been able to do this brilliant piece of sunglasses artwork without the woman who studied mobile stations for a month just to land this job. And that is 2D. Thank you, 2D for everything. And Kenya's right under her glowering. Yeah. And she goes, I don't know how this commercial's going to be. But I guess we can guess because, I mean, hello, 2D. Why are you fame shaming her? 2D is not something to be ashamed of. That was a hit sitcom you fucking moron. That's not a criticism. Yeah, we saw your shampoo commercial. We know what you would have done. So just sit down and relax. Just enjoy that you didn't have to work on your vacation. Facts of Life would have just had a lot more ads for shit that weren't even real products. You know, I actually watched an episode of Facts of Life recently. And I actually posted it on my Instagram. Be solid blog, that's my handle. And it was really crazy because I came in at the last 10 minutes, so I had no idea what was going on. And Blair Warner was all concerned because her grandfather had donated all this money to a library. And as a conversation goes on, we learned that her grandfather was in the Ku Klux Klan. I was like, what? Warner's grandpa was in the Ku Klux Klan. And she's like, Mrs. Garrett, I don't want to name the library after my grandfather. And Mrs. Garrett's like, well, here's but remember all the good things, all the good times you had with him. I'm like, what is this? Oh, this thing comes crazy. And Mrs. Garrett's trying to be like, just because he did something truly evil doesn't mean he can't be your grandfather. You should love the things that he has done for you. It's like, what is going on with this show? Well, our black people allowed to come into the library, Blair. Then he solved his problems. OK, let's all eat a rope meal and hug and do our studies, girls. I know. Well, it's OK because they eventually named the library after Blair-- Not Blair, but they actually-- Not Blair. Not Blair. They just-- it was going to be the grandfather's name. And then he said they went with, I think, the Warner library. I don't remember what it was. Blair was so obnoxious. That's snotty uptown bitch. She has all the money in the world. And all she does is bitch and moan and complain about everything because everyone's so mean to her. Who does she sound like? Kenya. Kenya is the Blair Warner. I'm presenting tutti because of her roller skates and her beautiful smile. Well, actually, it's kind of funny because the next episode, Natalie was trying out to be the lead in South Pacific. And she was so excited to try it. It's all she wanted to do. And she was so excited. And tutti was like, I'm just coming to support her. I don't actually want to be in it. And then she wound up auditioning also and getting the lead. And they got into a big fight. I was like, ooh, this actually is quite close to reality. Oh my god. Neither one of them ever watched any men out of their hair. OK? I'm not buying it. So this episode ends with the ladies. It's very inside baseball. Well, hey, look, we just talked about stereotypical gay things. So you say South Pacific. I'm going to bring up a song from South Pacific, OK? I am a fagito burrito. Everybody gather around and take a bite. You've got to love the Venn diagram that brings in facts of life. Real housewives in South Pacific. So this one ends. All the ladies are gathered around tutti. Like, you did such a great job. Oh, we love your husband. He had to go back to-- He's so funny for hers for something. And they're like, he is so funny. Wow, love his sass. And Phaedra's like, I love when a fire's in a fireplace. And tutti's like, yes, he is very dependable like that. And then Sheray's like, now, excuse me. She raises her hand. She raises her hand. Sheray's like, oh, I guess I probably should start auditioning for my role to get it back. So it's funny, because last night we were talking about your husband, and it wasn't as common. People were just sort of talking about how he might be fruity, OK? The tutti's like, bleh. She pulls that face like that. Sebastian asks for more assault face. Phaedra's like, bleh. What's up? She gave that president's face. Oh, damn it. I don't have carpool today, face. Oh, I hit all the day. So next week is tutti fighting for her gay man, which, you know, look, if anyone has any doubts, we all do. There are so many different levels of femininity in the world, OK? Not every effeminate man is a gay. Most of them are. But look, if you guys have any doubts about this man's heterosexuality, take a look at that park scene when he was wearing mom jeans. Gay people do not do it. Sexually active gay people do not wear those. Yeah. Mystery solved. Thank you, Bankers. I think the case is stronger, the case that you made for Matt. Yeah, Matt, I think just wants to be on TV. Because who can be around Kenya that long? Who? Exactly. And he was too practiced, like his eyebrows. And also, he's gigantic. So not that straight guys aren't gigantic, but I don't know. I don't know, guys. Maybe it's because I don't want to have sex with you. That being said-- I don't know. Most adorable couple would be Matt and Chris. They would be so adorable as a little couple. Matt and Chris-- oh, my God. Chris would be opened like a Holland counterlight. Oh, my goodness. That man would be like a Kentucky cave mind opened by emergency services. That guy would just be wide open and in pain all the time, but still smiling in his dockers. They would actually be an adorably cute couple. Because I think that Matt, if Matt came out of the closet if you were gay, I think he would be this big cuddly, big old-- He'd be like Michael Sam. Big old-- It totally gets Matt. That man has rage. This Matt guy has rage. We've already seen it. That's why you can't date a guy that huge. First of all, if they poop a lot, I mean, they're just so big. A toilet cannot handle a man that big. Second of all, when they get mad, forget it. Everything's off the table. I'd be running down the street, because you know I'm going to piss somebody off every single day. I'd be terrified for my life. So what you're saying is they would have a cute and sexy relationship. Oh, yeah. He'd be like, get over here. Pushes everything off the table. Throws Chris down. Yes, Chris would have run right up to that pool table and jumped right on top of it and started whipping everybody with his pool stick to save his man. All right, so I've now gone from chastising the women of Real Housewives of Atlanta for trying to out Chris to now actually actively creating a sexual fantasy with Chris and Matt. Yeah, I can't get mad about gay stereotypes, because I am a walking gay stereotype. So you know, I just have to say, OK, that's true. Just, you know, let me get married and don't fire me, because of it. You know, people speculate about things. I just thought, for some reason, the way that they were speculating that-- I don't know, it rubbed me the wrong way. Well, because they're making it like it's this big criticism. But I think that the criticism is that he's pretending-- you know, he's acting one way, but he's still cheating if he's gay. I guess for me, it felt like it was born. The criticism was born from a spiteful place from Kenya. I guess maybe that's why it also rubbed me the wrong way. Like, it was part of a campaign to take 2D down, rather than just sort of like general, like, you know, it's sort of funny, I sort of know he's like a little feminine, whatever, you know, because speculation, people speculate about things in life, whether it's appropriate or not. But I think in this case, it just seemed to be coming from a hateful place from Kenya's point of view. So I think maybe-- actually, that's probably why I was so uncomfortable about it. Yeah, because she was going to use that against somebody as some awful kind of slander, just to bring some down somebody she doesn't like. And I thought that would ruin his life and his career and everything else is sad that we still live in a world like that. But, you know, I think he used the right word-- I think he used the right word there, slander. It felt like it was more in the realm of slander than speculation or like gossip, you know? Oh, yeah, she's doing it on purpose. She's the worst. Nothing redeeming about that bitch, OK? Not one single thing. I hope she gets her ass canned from the show. Listen, if you can get me being mean about somebody, even when their mother-- like, even when their mother dropped them, and I'm still on the mother's side, like, you guys, come on. I can find redeeming qualities in almost anybody. But not that bitch. Get rid of her ass. Get rid of her white rain. I am smelling ass. She's so crazy. Like, it's like I hate her, but she's kind of, like, essential these days. Audible's best of 2024 picks are here. From memoirs and sci-fi to mysteries and thrillers, Audible's curated list in every category is the best way to hear 2024's best in audio entertainment. Like a stunning new full cast production of George Orwell's 1984. And, first of all, ever it's brilliantly subversive James. Audible, there's more to imagine when you listen. I actually am really excited to hear George Orwell's 1984, again, because last time I read that was back in, I don't know, middle school or something like that. And the world has changed so much with technology and everything like that. I feel like now is the perfect time to revisit and listen to it on Audible. Especially when it's told by a full cast like that. Like, it's a full production. It's going to be like a radio play, you know? That's major. Go to audible.com/crapins and discover all the years best, waiting for you. That's audible.com/crapins. Listen, weight loss drugs and GLP ones are all anybody's talking about right now. They're everywhere. But it's confusing to figure out how to get them. But it doesn't have to be. Through hymns and hers, you can get access to a budget-friendly weight loss program personalized just for you. Hymns and hers connects you with a medical provider who will work with you to determine your best treatment option. 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The this episode, Restaurant Wars Part II had me cracking up. The judges were not happy. They went in. Well, so basically, we have two teams. We have one team that has Isaac and the two ladies and Kurt. And then on the other team, you have the bros, the cocky bros, which include Philip, Kwame, Amar, and the bear. I don't know what his name is. Jeremy. Jeremy. Oh my god, I love that man. So Restaurant Wars, so at the end of the previous week, the teams were pretty even, even though the bro team had messed up their service. So then going into this week, it's more of the same stuff. I'm going to make this. I'm going to make a that. I'll make a that, whatever. And the bro team just fell apart, just massively, massively. They just had a terrible-- [INAUDIBLE] You know, like, you know, this is a perfectly fine lunch, but this top chef, you have to push yourself. But advice is so ridiculous because it didn't even come at the right time. Like, why are you telling them when they've already planned their menus and prepped? Like they're about to cook dinner. You can't tell them to be crazy or an owl. They've already done everything. Your advice sucks, dude. I think it got into their heads because I think the bro team tried to be ambitious, and they just kept putting out shit. First of all, Philip had some strawberry thing, which looked so disgusting. Now I hate berries. To be fair, I do hate berries. I hate strawberries and blueberries and raspberries. I know everyone's like, well, how do you hate berries? Yes, this is my thing. I hate berries. So when I see some dish that has like a berry salt, like some strawberry or whatever floating around that's supposed to be a salad, I'm already gagging inherently. But I think even if you like berries, you could see it look disgusting. And also to double its Phillips. And Philip is the worst. He is the worst. He's such a gross person. He's like that he's everything bad about LA rolled up into one little man bun. Yeah. I love when he was doing "Front of the House" and he was talking to different tables. And the judges were like, how much do you want to bet? He's not talking about this restaurant. He's talking about his own restaurants here in LA. And they cut to Philip. He's like, yeah, so you know, Scratch Bar is my first one. That's in Beverly Hills. Then I also have Geradine Swine and Philip. I'm adjusting this because now I'm lying down because I'm professional like that. Philip, this whole episode was trying to deflect a blame. And he's just such a compulsive liar. And you know, I get like a douchey personality. But at the end of the day, he does work very hard. He has his own restaurants. And normally I would respect that about a person. But he's so dishonest and tries to get people in trouble for the dumbest shit that he does. And just flat out lies about so many things. Like him and Kwamee, we're butting heads a little bit just because everyone thinks he's annoying at this point. And Kwamee I think is cracking a little under the stress. Like he's letting his douche come right out. Yeah, he's never been the same since the jerk broccoli. No, he has. And he keeps making dishes that are like yellow and green. It's so weird he can't get over it. Let your father go, darling. All right, let him go. Oh, and steam lo and steam. Sweetie, you're old enough to let it go. Stop blaming your dad for your jerk broccoli. He don't do what I was going to say. Oh, so Kwamee says, I'm going to do the olive oil and lemon dressing now. And Philip goes, OK. And then it cuts to Philip going. You can't put olive oil and lemon together early because it will curdle the olive oil. But I mean, Kwamee's going to make me do it. You know, he acts like everything is somebody else's fault. And also, like, you know, what's a really classic vinaigrette? Olive oil and lemon juice. OK, people do it. It's OK. You can combine them ahead of time. It'll be totally fine. It may be slightly accurate. I don't know. It's not-- that's not true. There's lemon in almost every vinaigrette out there. Do they show up at your table, accurate? No, and they're made in the morning. He's full of shit, dude. This guy's an idiot. He doesn't even know what he's talking about half the time. And then he calls his dishes something fancy. Dude, you just made blended strawberries and threw them on a-- And then he made a cocktail also. And what was funny is that the cocktail was for people coming into the restaurant. So you'd show up at the host stand and the guy would pull out a cocktail from below the host stand and give it to whoever was coming in. And what was funny was the judges hated this. I mean, I wouldn't have-- I would be like, OK, cool. But the judges were like, this is so amateurish and so stupid. And then the fact that the host is bending down and pulling out a cocktail. And then later during the judging, they told him how stupid it was. And then Phillips responds, it's even more ridiculous. He goes, well, thank goodness I'm not being judged on the cocktail. And they're like, yes, you are. Oh, girl. I don't know what's going on with you. I don't know who peed in Gail's corn flakes, but please keep doing it. I love when Gail's theme shows up in just a shit mood. They were angry, but you know what? They were also like drunk. You could tell they were getting drunk, and the drunker they got, the more angry they got. And Bill Che, their guests. What was funny about him was that he was so understated and so devastating. He'd be like, this is terrible. This is cooked absolutely incorrectly. I would never want to be unkind, but this is the worst thing I've ever put into my mouth. Whoa. I actually went to fling myself into traffic now because it's so terrible. Thank you very much. I would rather be eaten by a rhinoceros, pooped out, eaten by a duck, repooped out, and then ground into the ground by a troop of girl scouts than ever eat this again. It's like, whoa, buddy. Who does that? Seriously. Seriously. He's actually-- he just calms dossy. He's like, I cannot handle this dish, Kristen Kristan. I just don't get it. I can't believe you would serve this dish six months away from my wedding. I can't believe it's not butter. Kristen. It is my fucking birthday, Chris Tan. You're a stupid thing to say. OK, Philip, Philip, Philip. It's just me yelling at Philip. All these notes are like, fuck him. Look at every single thing. Philip-- OK, question. Did Philip have a waiter or a busboy or something doing his prep work? He had someone slicing strawberries, yeah. You're not allowed to do that. Yeah, you are. They've done that past seasons. You're allowed to use your waiters? Yeah. OK. But it's risky because they're not trained, you know? They're barely even trained to be waiters. Philip's like, all right, listen up, waiters. It's very important that the servers share the artistic vision of the restaurant. I'm like, dude, look at these guys. They look like they're auditioning for the musical version of CAC Cacoon in my CAC. CAC CAC CACoon. CAC CAC Cacoon. Directed by, confused. Macat skills. They don't share your vision of anything, OK? They wait for their minimum wage so they can go eat your city food in the back, lame Philip. That's what I have to say. I have no other Philip notes for this. Marjorie, I keep thinking that Marjorie is going to get screwed over. Last week, Marjorie was a little bitchy. A lot of people online are like, fuck her. Because they'll turn on you really fast on these shows. And also, Karen, I started to turn against. Because I was like, what a bitch. I love Karen. But then this week opened up with Karen being very nice to the New Orleans guy who is obnoxious as hell, by the way, Isaac. She's like, hey, I just wanted to tell you, Isaac. Really good job. That's good because you totally redeemed yourself. Yeah, before then she then served up some coconut stuffed trout or whatever, or rice stuff, coconut rice stuff, something that the judges unanimously detested. Yeah, I think that's the one that he said was the worst one that they'd had all night. Yeah, but they liked everything else that she did. In fact, in the judging, they're like, everything you did was great, except for one thing, but we won't get into that. And your service. Thank you, judges. You know, it's really hard to have good service. But you know, you did it, Karen. You did it. You had great service, great for now. Thank you so much. And it was Marjorie who did all of that. And I don't think she gave her credit for that. Whatever betch. I know. I love Marjorie. Marjorie was-- I'm trying to remember what Marjorie did, because she did like a million things. Well, she also-- she made a berry soup, which I-- you know, a berry soup with a panakata. I hate berry soup for reasons I previously stated. And then she did some-- I forget, Marjorie did some-- but she was helping with everything, but she pulls it off. She pulled it off because she's wonderful. Karen, you can tell, doesn't wear a dress much. Yeah, that dress. I was like, of course, Karen is wearing a dress in the Charlie Brown pattern. It was made out of those like sad, sack Charlie Brown patterns. And I thought, you know, as ill-fitting as this dress is, it's very fitting. It's very fitting. It's funny. That's one of the fringe benefits of restaurant wars is seeing some of the chefs dress up, because some of them really aren't incapable of doing it and have no idea. Which is why I think I complimented Kwame's Blazer last week. I was like, oh, look, a nice fitting blazer. Who would have ever thought on restaurant wars? Normally, they come out in fancy rags. Well, it's easier for men, because we only have one style that we've had to wear for years and years. You have a distance blazer and a dresser. And a dresser, and that's it. But women have to go change with the times and buy all this new shit. And these poor women-- the chefs work 12 hours a day. You can't keep up with anything. And this poor, poor Karen. I don't know why I'm judging Karen's dress. I just thought the Charlie Brown pattern was very funny. I love Karen. So but anyway, on the men's team. So then-- oh, actually, one of them made Crudo. I think it was actually on the women's team. Someone made Crudo. I think it was Carl. I call him Kurt before Carl. I think-- and the judges were like, oh, God, not another Crudo. Tom says, it's the new pork belly. Yeah, but that was funny. She cracked me up. Yeah, Snapper and Crudo, no. They got really pissed off at that. Marjorie and her bread. OK, Marjorie is starting to scare me with her bread. I think it's good that she can pull that out. But I'm not really believing her. Because now she's making some other kind of bread. And they look like the dinner rolls she just fucking made. And she's like, oh, I hope these are good. Never done it before. Like, you're a fucking liar. Stop lying, OK? You've obviously done it before. No one can-- Someone better stick Mary on her. Yeah. She's-- she lie. She a lie. Good bake. Positively scrumptious. Marjorie? I've never done it before. Shut up. Care for my house. Marjorie behind bread. Oh, so Mar made something. First of all, he was like a bad leader. He left things-- I don't care what anybody else makes. Because I don't think I could do whatever they want. But I just have to worry about my own dish. I was like, oh, no, you in trouble, girl. Yeah, especially when his own dish had a broth that apparently tasted like vinegar. Where people are like, is this just straight vinegar? And in fact, the judges didn't really even come down on him for that. And the judging, they came down on him for leadership. I'm sure they came down about that sauce. It's on the editing room floor. But I would have liked to have seen him get into trouble for that sauce, because that looked terrible. Sometimes the judges on this show, I noticed it this week. And I think it's because they were drunk. But I was looking to see if they have notebooks. And I don't think they write notes. And you can tell, because they forget a lot of times. Like, they'll give something really bad marks, and then give it good marks in the end judging. I'm like, what could have possibly changed besides your shitty memory? And whoever you just don't like their look-up, like Phillip. He is his time. Yeah, because Phillip had his strawberry thing. And then Jeremy did something that I just don't remember what they didn't like. But they just were massively, massively unhappy. I think the meat was the meat under, or was it over? I don't remember. There was some stigma that went in the wrong way. Wrong direction. I'm trying to find it in my notes what they did, because I'm trying to jump around. No, it's OK. We're supposed to on this show. But I keep stopping at this note, Bangkok Dangerous. That was the name of Phillip's drink. Who names a drink, Bangkok Dangerous? It's like giving someone a glass of chlamydia. You idiot. Who would do that? Stupid. Isn't that a reference to a movie, Bangkok Dangerous? No, it's Shanghai Surprise. No, there's a movie called Bangkok Dangerous. Oh, Madonna wasn't in it. I don't care. Nicholas Cage. And that's what I hear about. It came out in 2008 and it started as Nicholas Cage. So now we see where this all went wrong. Make eyes. Here's your Wicker Man cocktail. Here's your hairplugs. Enjoy drinking those. Here's your adaptation cocktail. That would actually be a good drink. But it would be like all these different drinks all mixed in one. Every sip you take, you're like, well, they can all be a moonstruck surprise. Here's your leaving Las Vegas. You'll drink it. And then for two hours, you slowly die, sadly. Here's your face off cocktail where it's actually a whole different cocktail. I've explained bird scenes. And you're going to have visions of CCH Pounder dying in flames. That's another CCH Pounder reference. Wow. First one was in the bonus episode. Yes, I would like to congratulate CCH Pounder for making it into our conversation twice in the day. That's quite an honor. That's a double CCH Pounder episode. Oh, here was the back. I'm bringing her in again. Here was the huge thing that they hated. I finally found it in my notes. The risotto. Yes, Jeremy the bear makes risotto. And he's like, yeah, this is risky bra because risotto is always a disaster on top shot. Which cracks me up because risotto's rice. Like, come on, you guys. How fucking hard is it? People on Top Chef don't know that you have to cook risotto in broth. Why would he cook risotto in water? You keep saying you know every Top Chef episode and you know it's a disaster. It's because they don't use broth. We've seen it like four times. Yeah, and why if you know that risotto is super challenging on Top Chef, why would you choose restaurant wars of all the competitions to introduce your risotto? Yep. And they knew immediately they said when it arrived, they knew it was-- well, I think it was Bill Chitt again. He's like, I can already see that this is going to be one of the worst risottos I've ever experienced in my professional life. Because it was standing stiff and it's not supposed to be like that. And then Pat-- oh, you know what Patma felt so good because she was like, I don't think that this was made with broth. I think this was made with water. And then sure enough, during the questioning, she's like, what did you make your risotto with? And he's like, well, I had to use water. He's like, mmm. You should never use water in risotto. Patma's deadpan robot ass. Love it. Kwame's chicken sucked. Amara's miso sauce sucked. Yeah, those guys just really-- I wrote judges table. Patma's terrifying robot face. She was really giving a look from hell today. She was like burning through pieces. You were angry. The tomato. They were angry. I think I just actually get excited for restaurant wars. And I think they get upset when they get bad food. Because they have to eat eight plates of it. Yeah. Sorry, I was like, yeah. Isaac wins, which this shows really so good at making you turn back and forth about people. Because Isaac makes me crazy. And to me, he just-- he's all personality and shit food. Like, he doesn't make that much. You know, if you make a sausage every week and it's bland, that's really bad. But then I started feeling really bad, because everybody was mean to him. So then I was reading for him. But then he won, and then he wouldn't stop screaming like a little girl on fire. And so then I didn't like him again. Like, come on, Top Chef. Let me have a consistent day. I know. So he won. They play with us. They play with our hearts and minds. Phillip tries to shift. Strawberry Blame. Tom says it would have sucked either way. I love that. Phillip's like, yeah, well, I made this strawberry. But I did it because they were thinking that this. And I was going to do that. And like, blah, blah, blah, blah. And Tom's like, yeah, none of that would have helped. It would have been terrible. You know, the thing about your strawberry dish? Terrible. Any iteration? Even the ones you're imagining right now, still terrible. So Phillip ended up getting out. And the reason it's so fun to hate douchebags, delusional little douchebags like Phillip, is because even after he loses, he says things like, well, I told myself, if I was going to come lose on top, chef, I was going to make something great. And I made something great. And I lost. Like, you are so fucking stupid. You made strawberry syrup and poured it on a salad. That is not great. The picture of you in front of your restaurant is embarrassed right now. It's like bowing its head and shame, because you weren't too stupid to do it. The picture is smarter than you. Well, actually, believe it or not, his restaurant, "Gardine and Swine," whatever it's called, is supposed to be wonderful. But I don't know. Although, again, we liked what he made us. Or at least I did. He pickled some fucking vegetable. I liked it. But that doesn't count. Well, I did too. I like pickled. But it doesn't count. It's a cooking show. I know. Fucking raw fish and pickled vegetables. Crudo. Crudo. How? Crudo. How? Crudo. OK, so now it is one hour and 1530, guys, and it's time. You bark down that time, because you know what? You can also say, that's the time when Ben Mandelker had to go pee. You son of a swatch. That's a lovely swiss watch that never stops working. You're welcome. Be back. We are back from pee break. I love a pee break, you guys. I love a break. Whenever we went on road trips when I was a little kid, my mom was like, it's a gas station pee. I do not want to listen to you have to pee later. And so whenever I get a chance to pee, I pee. Well, you know, if you're friends with pee, then you're friends with me. Oh, Ben, I like it. That's such a romantic pee rhyme. Well, it's actually a song. Remember that you don't remember that song? If you're friends with pee, then you're friends with me. If you're friends with me. No. You know that movie where that guy wakes up with him, he said, and he has to refigure out his life every day. That's me. I basically have to walk around my house, like, oh, I was growing something together. What was it? Where's the screwdriver? Where's the lid? What was it? What was I working on? Yeah, idiot. You guys, if you're considering starting to smoke weed, don't do it. It really does eat your brain alive. I've already got amnesia and I'm like 40. Yeah. Let's move on to-- I would cry, but I forgot what I was talking about. Real Housewives of Potomac. I love Real Housewives of Potomac. This song needs to die. What? Hey there. This is, to me, our Tuesday episode is just all-- one big buildup to being able to talk about Real Housewives of Potomac. I think this show is a steaming pile of shit. I really do, and I'm not just saying that to be contrary. I love it. They are trying so hard. This cast is trying harder than the ladies of Shisha. And that's saying something. I think it's hilarious. I think it's great. It cracks me up. I think Atlanta tries harder. I mean, because those women are funny, but they have nothing going on. So that's why you have stupid story lines, like making an immerseal about sunglasses. I mean, talk about trying hard. If that's what counts as drama, I mean, it's fine. This show, this show has me thoroughly entertained from beginning to end. I love it. I love all these women. The only thing I really respect in my entire life, well, besides Beeler, most kind of, my television. And I don't throw things at it, but that's what I want to do, the whole time. I want to start eating popcorn again just to throw it every time stupid Karen comes on my screen, just to hit her in the head with a carb. For some reason, I had this thing in my head all morning. Every time I did something, I was narrating it, third person Karen Huber's style. So I was like, Karen Huber does not make eggs. I went to the supermarket. I was like, Karen Huber does not pick out parsley. Karen Huber is not pleased with the radish section of this grocery store. Karen Huber does not buy organic. Karen Huber would come to Ralph's, but she doesn't like stores with apostrophes in the name. Karen Huber does not appreciate the name Ralph. She probably has somebody out there taking off apostrophes of every Ralph. She enters that stupid, high-falutant batch. So, Ben, I have an honest question about this show. Yeah. Why does every single episode start with a close-up of the tennis court? Every single one. Somebody is playing tennis. Today, it was the tennis ball on the court. Is that the only place they're allowed to shoot? What the-- is that the only fancy place in Potomac? I think it's-- yeah, I think they don't have a lot of stock footage. So it's either a tennis ball or a fawn across the lake. That deer has gotten so much TV time. That terrified deer is so good. So it opens up. First of all, I also want to say I love the music in the show. It's got this like jazzy. Dun-dun-un-un-un-un-un-un-un-un-un-un-un-un-un-un-un-un-un-un. I love it. I'm like, Alan Lazar, if that's you, you're doing great work. But it starts off with Karen going to flight school. And this cracks me up because she's like, this is the flight school? She's like, where are the jets? I'm like, come on, Karen. You are not flying a 747 for your first tutorial, OK? I haven't prayed for anybody to go down so badly since I was at a strip club. Since you're hanging out with Matt from "Real Housewives" of Atlanta, so Karen explains to us that the reason why she's going to flight school is that now that my children have moved on, I'm looking to do things like new activities and pick up new sports. I'm like, you, Karen, you're going to play a sport now? Guess what? Guess what? Karen Eager is now taking up pole vaulting. That's what it is. No, that's not rich enough. It has to be something that requires a ton of money that she didn't make and no effort on her part. Yeah. Curling. Her-- she is so-- Curling. That would take effort. But you know what? She does have some athletic ability-- the jugs on that woman. Are those are not real, right? Why would you get an entire village worth of water on each of your breasts? Who is that comfortable for? Nobody. That woman must have a spine of steel to carry those things around. She's ridiculous. Yeah. I'm sure she must have back problems because that is-- I mean, that is a lot of saline solution. And if that's your normal chest, like go for it. And hey, even if you want falsies that are that big, go for that too. But I just don't understand putting that much effort into just, I don't know, getting up from a chair. Yeah. We talk about making an uneven load. You don't want that on a small plane, darling. She's saying, she's such a snotty bitch. I love her. No, I don't love her. But you see, that's another tick I have. I love her. I love it when I love this part. No, I don't. I don't love it. OK. She's saying, I want to-- Karen Huber picks her pilot. She's trying to pick her pilot. Then she says, Karen Huber wants a plane with two propellers. What? And the lady's like, no, actually, it's better to have a single engine. They're safer. And she's like, hmm. And she does that thing. Where she purses her lips like, hmm. And then one eyebrow raises, like, this poor person is lying to me. Karen Huber knows a liar. It is bad etiquette to lie about planes. She's like, this is what I would like. Two propellers, one wing, and a half a tail. And then she kept standing in front of Giselle, because Giselle came with her. And she kept standing in front of her so she wouldn't get to talk to the flight person too, the school person too. Did you notice that? Yeah. She kept re-angling herself so Giselle couldn't be on par with her. Well, she also had this whole bit that she kept on cramming down on her throat. She's like, well, where's the eye candle? If I'm going to go down, I want to see some eye candle. If I'm going to die, I need to see some eye candle. The whole hour, she just kept on mentioning that. She's like, hey, did you hear about the pilots? Some of them are real eye candy. You know, when I'm flying in a plane, I want to have some eye candy. When I'm going down, I was like, yes, Karen, we get it. You want to see an attractive pilot? Bitch, you've had enough candy, candy. OK? [LAUGHTER] Just stop with the candy. And then Giselle, with nothing to say on her own. She's another one who's just got to bring everybody down. Oh, by the way, I know what a hypocrite I am right now by saying this. But she's another one who just has to bring everybody down at all time, because she has nothing else to say in life. Girl, I get you. I'm working on it, so should you. But she starts talking about this Ashley girl, who's basically five years old. I don't even know why these old bitches think that it's OK to even make fun of somebody that young, because it's crass. But Giselle's like, well, what did you think about Ashley bringing us to the bottom of the barrel? I'm like, oh, good one. And then I love Karen. And I was like, well, I don't think that Ashley knows how to entertain mature women. I'm like, well, how about you give her some mature women if we made that comment. I didn't see any there. What is she supposed to have a tour of a bidet factory? Jesus Christ, lady. I know. She got you wasted. What the hell else do you do with your life? So speaking of Ashley, then we go over to the playground, where Katie and her wild children are playing around on this slide thing. And Ashley shows up with her dog. And the dog's not allowed in the park. And so I don't know. I just left with this one. Why are kids allowed in the park with pets? I don't know. There's not fairs discrimination. And I have to say, I agree with her. Why are you letting your kids shits all over the place? At least people pick up after their dogs. Every time I go to a park, there's diaper full beer. Come to my neighborhood. People do not pick up after their dogs. You know how much dog shit is on my sidewalk? Darling, it's a tribute to MJ. Yeah, maybe it's just MJ. But either way, people come up here to go to run in Canyon, and they're dogs shit everywhere. They're like, whatever, I don't live here. We even have-- in front of my building, they even have little plastic bags. It says here, use a plastic bag to pick up your dog shit if you forgot to bring baggies. People don't use it. There's dogs shit all over this neighborhood. It's like walking through landmines. All right? It's gross. So I get it. Because people bring their dogs into that park. And the dogs will pee and poop everywhere. I'm a dog owner, but I have to say that is true. People are overprotective about their kids and germs, but that being said, kids should not be playing around dog poop. So I am all for having some boundaries. You know, dogs don't deserve to go everywhere. OK, everyone? Oh my god, get your dog out of the Whole Foods. That really grosses me out. I don't like that. Service dog. Because you have social anxiety when you play the shop. And I have a service dog. My dog is like a full fledged crazy person dog. You know, because everybody can go to the doctor now and get one of those things. And I do it so I can take him on the plane. And so does everybody else. It's starting to look like that bus on "Romancing the Stone." I think I've said that before. Yeah, it's just like chickens everywhere. And you're like, what the hell? It's an official racket. Like the New Yorker has an article, a long article, about what a racket it is to have a, quote unquote, service animal. Obviously, there is a need for service animals. People really do need them. But by and large, most people just totally abuse the system. And you can go-- But they don't need emotional support animals. That's where the racket is. That's the whole shit. Basically $25, $80. And get the little vest that goes around your dog. And so this writer for "The New Yorker" went and decided to test this. And got service animal certifications for all these crazy animals. She brought a turkey onto the bus, on the New York City public bus. And the driver was like, you can't bring a turkey on. She's like, it's a service animal. And it's like, oh, OK. Oh, service turkey. She brought a turkey. It's crazy. I mean-- I'm just here to make Karen feel better about her jibblets. [LAUGHTER] So it is a racket. But that being said, I was cracking up when-- so Ashley had to tie her dog up to the fence. And we just saw a five-second shot of the dog hopping up and down. So every episode with Ashley, she's going to put her dog in terrible danger. The very first shot of the dog-- he or she, I don't know the name-- she was sitting. She was sitting on one of those power outlets on the ground that there's no lamp like this. It's like sitting on the power outlet this episode. She just hooks the leash to the fence. And so the dog's jumping up and down. I'm like, if that dog trips, it's going to hang itself right now. Ashley is the worst dog owner ever. She's great to love her head. So then what was funny is, so as Ashley and Kitty are talking, Ashley is so upfront with how shallow she is. She tells us she goes, you know, she goes, I initially connected with the women at Potomac because of their status, but I'm really starting to like them. You are so shallow. And then she follows it up by going, people call this that's what I have. [LAUGHTER] What thought through those, darling? I know. Oh my god. But I can't believe she actually went on the record and said that she connected because of their status. And whether she means connected in terms of like emotionally connected or connected than she met with them, the point is status is what drew her first. Hey, it's interesting to hang out with these women because it was funny wearing bikinis while they looked jealous. But now they're kind of nice. Meanwhile, Kitty's daughter had the right idea. She tried to punch Ashley in the face. Normally I'm the baby whisper. The baby whisper, lady, dear husband's the baby whisper. That man will marry a toddler. You also, as much as you hate this show, Rana, you have to give it up to the editors because they are having the time of their lives. When Kitty, they're talking about being 27 and Katie was saying how it was her favorite age because when she was 27, she had no responsibilities. And then they cut to the nanny, Mae, holding her three children. [LAUGHTER] As if Katie is burdened with any responsibility right now. She still has here. You know, she's becoming awful. I kind of liked her first. She's really becoming unbearable this one, this Katie girl. I'm still not married. Yeah, we know, bitch. And we also know why, after four episodes, who the hell is going to marry you? You crazy bitch. And then she does that whole, my family's very well-respected and they're very traditional. So it's not a good look to not be married. You have four kids and you divorced? I mean, how many times do I have to say it? You got a divorce four months pregnant, bitch. Like, please stop telling me about your traditional values. You know, it's not a good look. Dry-humping a guy in a bar for an hour. So anyway, talking about using a gay guy incorrectly. [LAUGHTER] Jesus. So then anyway, so Katie, responsibility laid in Katie is sitting on the swing with Ashley while her kids are, while Mae is chasing around these children. She's chasing around these terrible children. The dog's hanging itself. And then Ashley's going, well, I really wanted you to look at people on the internet because it's really important when you meet new people to do the background check. Oh, where have we heard this one before? Outjects. They're back. They're back. I'm married to medicine. Why don't you even get any ratings? Why are you stealing from the lowest-rated show on Bravo? Oh, god. Lisa Nicole's going to come flying down that slide. You'll be like, someone who gets me finally. She saw. I'm handing out cards to people. Ashley is going to get a background check. And that's like saying, I'm going to open a ski resort. [LAUGHTER] Stop copying terrible shows. But what's terrible is the way that Ashley is so graceless in the way she mentions this. She doesn't even say, so it was funny because I thought I'd recognize you from something. So I just did a Google search to see if I could trigger something. And I saw this. She was just like, so the other day, I Google searched you. I googled you because I love to Google everyone. And so I googled you. And oh my god, you used to date Russell Simmons. That's cool, huh? You're just out there. I don't know if I should actually make fun of you or respect you for just putting it all out there. I actually like it because that is the most flattering thing you can say to Katie because it's like the most attention she's ever gotten was when she was dating Russell Sim. It's literally on her resume. I think they've mentioned that five times. She stated Russell Simmons. As if Russell Simmons hasn't fingered half the toddlers in the world. Like, can you break? He's dated every model that's 20. Yeah, including Cynthia Belly. So exactly. But it's just Ashley's such a fangirl. She's so transparent in her attempts to climb this social ladder. In Potomac. Yeah, Potomac. I'm going to get the best table at the Red Lobster. No one's going to get in my way. So then she's like, oh, also, I saw that Robin and Juan. They're bankrupt. They only have $25 to their name. I'm like, it's not even shady. You're just full on gossiping. Yeah, I love it. I know, but listen, I can't actually not. They all do this. But again, there's just like no arcfulness to it. She's just like, oh, and I saw this. And I saw this. And then I read this. And this is crazy, right? And then she kind of tries to wrap it up by being like, oh, maybe that explains why she's being such a bitch to me. You know? Because she has something going on in her personal life. I don't even try to say that the reason why you're talking about this all is because you just want to get to know her better. You want to understand her motives better. No. You just want to tell everyone that she's broke. Also, do you know the difference between the Celsius and Fahrenheit? I do. Congratulations. You can work the internet. Google so much that Google has created this thing where it alerts me because I'm like, they're VIP. So I get a Google alert when they find something that I like. For instance, did you know that Johnny Depp is an Iraq band? You know that Google and I are so close that I sometimes start typing something. And it's like, no, no, no, here, this is what you might say. I'm like, whoa, you're auto-completing what I have to say. I can't believe Google does that for me. And Katie's like, I wish I could find a man like that. [INAUDIBLE] Did you happen to see my cover on Washington Life? I was on it twice. It's basically a scene. Where Ashley made her biggest mistake here is thinking that she could trust Katie because she's thinking we're the young ones. Everybody else is going to be like mean hacks to us. So let's be nice to each other. She's like trying to find a friend and her defense. She really didn't say anything mean. I mean, she said that Robin was broke, but everybody knew that. I think it was all over the news. She was being tacky, but she wasn't being mean. Like, I don't think she was being caddy. I think she was like, I googled her and she's broke. And maybe that's why she's mean. Like, I should be nicer to her. I didn't know she was broke. She's going through hardship. That's all I took it. And I'm not like in love with Ashley. I think she's a fucking moron, but I mean, she's so young and she's thinking she's gossiping with a nice girl. And then Katie is like the worst. She's the worst. So then Cherise is playing basketball with her kids, and then her friend. It's like, you know how to play around the world? That's where your dad is. He's been on a five-year episode of the Amazing Race. OK, guys, if you're going to play this game properly, you're not supposed to speak to me or acknowledge that I'm in the room. Yeah. All right, here's the way this game works. You just move away. And every time I go, nothing gets in my hole. OK? OK, here's what we do. It's like hide and seek. So I'm going to close my eyes, and you guys just go hide. And then I'll try to find you in about 10 years. She's like, it's so difficult being the dad and the mom. You know, like, resenting myself and then feeling lonely because I won't pay myself attention. So difficult. So her friend, Brené, comes over and they're talking about the marriage. And then she starts to cry because she wants-- she's lonely. She's lonely, makes sense. Well, you know, here's a picture of our wedding. Man, I had to do my own hair back then. [LAUGHING] But I'd rather be back then where things were simple. At least I would see my husband. Now notice she didn't say she wishes she was poor again. She was very careful not to say that. Like, she knows that there's no real wood to knock on around there. I know. Last at counter top. Batch. So she starts to cry. And then Brené is like, what about your marriage? But what was funny is that the previews all season and from last week made it look like Brené had asked something like, are you going to fight for your marriage? And then she cries. But the crying was actually more about that she was lonely. So it was a little misleading, bro. Well, she did say when Brené-- first of all, Brené, you're amazing. You're the best friend ever. And we should all be so lucky to have someone like you. You're friends with one of the biggest cut fitnesses I've ever seen on television. And you are so supportive. And behind her on everything, God bless your heart. I need one of you in my life. Now, that said, this woman-- I'm not going to feel sorry for this woman. She's a total bitch. She's an idiot. She's shallow. She's stupid. I'd ignore her ass, too. Her husband's probably looking for a gay in Alaska just to get the hell away from her ass. But Brené says, are you going to fight for your marriage? And she says, I don't know. I mean, I just don't want to be lonely. Oh, that's a great reason to stay together. Well, how about you let people come upstairs? Yeah, exactly. You let people come upstairs while they're cooking you dinner. You'd have someone to talk to where you're being waited on. You dump batch. Well, how about why didn't she just move to New Jersey? I mean, I know Potomac's probably nice than New Jersey, but-- Because her whole life is status. She doesn't have the same status, you know? Did like a condo, like be bicostal, or buy-- That girl needs to be on her own cul-de-sac at all times, because that's more important to her than her own damn husband. Well-- And also, in fairness. I hear moms punching the steering wheel right now. So in all fairness, her kids go to school, so she probably doesn't want the kids changing school. That's disrupting their lives every time their dad moves. But if you're going to marry a basketball coach who's going to be moving around a lot, that's going to be part of their lives. People in the army do it. Yeah. He could probably, though-- I don't know how often he visits, but I feel like he could probably visit a little bit more. He doesn't like her. I acknowledge my zero knowledge of the situation. Because it's all back to Miranda from Sex and the City. He's just not that into you. It's not some deep thing with a guy. If your husband comes home, only plays with the kids, and then is gone by the time you wake up in the morning without even telling you, he's just not that into you. So is it worth it keeping the money? I don't think this girl has a prenup. She got married when she was poor. So take half that money, get a nice condo, and get the hell out of there. Yeah. But again, she wouldn't have the status. So anyway, speaking of crumbled marriages, we then actually go to a little lunchtime scene with Giselle and her beautiful daughters. And they go to eat-- Pastor Seal. What? Pastor Seal, correct husband. I'm like, really with the scar pastor? Oh, yeah. Scruff is a bit much. So Jamal-- and so he's talking that they have one of these-- they have a pretty cordial relationship. And he was talking about his congregation. And for some reason, this really amused me that when he said that Iyanla Van Zant had come in, or as he said it-- Iyanla Van Zant. [LAUGHTER] Iyanla Van Zant. Iyanla Van Zant. It's like the most entertaining doctor's office ever. Iyanla Van Zant. Here, Iyanla Van Zant. [LAUGHTER] Iyanla Van Zant. So the big takeaway from this was that when they were talking about what was going on in Baltimore and how, if you remember, Prince performed in Baltimore after those riots, and then just else, because they were like, Prince George. [LAUGHTER] They're like, Prince George-- first of all, Prince George is like one years old. I know, she's like, Prince George is a baby. OK? He's not performing. I love how these kids' celebrities' celebrity minds work when they first had like, I'm Beyonce. I rule the world. I'm Alan DeGeneres. [LAUGHTER] Like, what comes in the front of their brain is very amusing to me. But then the best part is just all saying, no. Prince is a musician who is once very famous. I was like, oh, I feel old. Vassota's Prince. Yeah. So this woman really confuses me. She makes me laugh. I don't really have a lot of hate for her. I think she's-- Love Giselle. --a fucking moron. And she's really caddy and mean and an awful human being. But I'm kind of liking her on the show. But this really pisses me off about these characters. Here we've got a pastor who's talking about being a pastor. Then she's bragging about how he's a pastor. Of course, because he's a famous pastor, which is what means something to these women. So then she's talking about his cheating. And she's like, his cheating was not about me. That was all about him. And we're still family. I mean, I cheated Monopoly, and my kids are still my daughters. It's like, lady, why is it so OK? Why is everybody just like, well, pastors cheat too? No, you are a religious leader. What the hell? Yeah, there should have been a little bit of more-- It's so hypocritical. It made me fucking crazy. Yeah, that bothers me. And I also don't like that she cheats in my knobbly. I am a board game fan, OK? One does not cheat at Monopoly or any game. Yeah, I just made that up. No. You almost got me real mad. Because you're lies. I could imagine her being the one in the family that's cheating at the game. It's like, my daughters didn't make me their mother down. So then now Karen is going back for another flying lesson. And guess what? She wants some eye candy. I want some eye candy. If I'm going to go down, I'm going to say, yes, Karen, we get it. We get it. But my favorite part about this is that her husband came along. And he is there taking pictures of everything. He is so adorable, that guy. He's like, he was a big smile on his face, taking pictures and she gets into the plane from a different angle from that angle. That guy is just-- I can't tell if he's really loving her or if he's just so glad that he doesn't have to draw everything anymore. He's like, my phone does this. Look at this. This is amazing. I love Black Bill Gates. The most disturbing thing about this scene is that she lived. Also-- OK, OK, now it's not bad. Despite the lack of water on the plane. Oh my god, her holy water. She prayed over a bottle of water. And she's like, I'm going to put Jesus's blood all over this plane. I was like, yes, that's what Jesus died for. So he could fly around like a fucking moron with money. She's like, literally, my maintenance man has named Jesus and I killed him this morning. Here's his blood. [LAUGHTER] Oh, thank god for those clear-- that race of clear people. She-- what was I going to say about this dumb bitch? Oh, mile high club. No one needs to hear that. No. She's like, it's on my bucket list. Get me a fucking bucket. That's disgusting. OK, and then it would even be that. I don't even thought the fuck would club. I just don't want to hear any club says she's a part of in that vein. Yeah, me neither. And the worst thing was that pink dress that she was wearing in her talking head thing has two sides of the dress coming around looking-- they're not shaped like hands, but they look like hands, cupping watermelons. She's always talking about how classy she is, and she's wearing this whole dress with her jugs hanging all out. I'm like, you know you're talking about etiquette while you're wearing this dress. Lady, make up your mind. Make up your mind. You're a hoe in the kitchen and a hoe in the bedroom. You're supposed to be a saint in at least one of the places. I know. So then we have Katie in the town home doing cooking something, and then May the nanny comes in, and then Katie starts talking about her, and she goes, she's a lesbian. Yep. And she goes, which I love because I love her energy. I'm like, what? That makes-- was she giving off some sort of lesbian energy? Yes, I thought she was a man-y the first time. I think she just loves that there's someone who's able to put Ikea furniture together finally in her house. I just love that she says it like in this big novelty. She's a lesbian. Well, did you notice that when May came in and she's like, you may la la la. And she's like, what? And she's like, pala la la. And she says, what? Mala la la la. Oh, yes, I am the housekeeper today, May. And she turns around to May, and she like gives her this. Like this look, you know, when people just want you to find them hot, so they act like they're flirting with you, but they're not. She was doing that, and I'm like, please stop trying to get attention from the goddamn man-y or the-- You know that all the May-- You know that all the May was-- You know that May was probably just saying, can I get my paycheck now? She's like, yes, I am the housekeeper today. So funny, May is so funny. She's like, you forgot to pay me over time. She's like, yes, you can make me eggs May. God, I love dikes. Can I call my parents now? I am so hot. Oh my god, you lesbians are great. Can I have that money? You stole a lot of my jeans. Thank you. Yes, my pores are getting smaller. Oh, lesbians telling you, amazing. May I have my one meal of the day now? Oh my god, you're right. I did change my conditioner, and it is looking so good. I love my hair, too. OK, the-- So Katie Andrews out of town on Dick's sucking trip. Also, I think he's playing golf. What's the thing? Brokeback Mountain camping trips. Yeah, the Brokeback golf hole. It's like the Brokeback Hole 18, or whatever. The only place they ever show in Potomac. He's on some golf trip with Robola's. And this is a really important scene, actually, because Katie wants to renovate one of his man cave rooms. And Andrew has a room full of fitness equipment. And the reason why this is important is because there's actually a Bowflex in there. So we finally figured out who buys Bowflex machines. It's Andrew. After all these years, check that out. The Bowflex. There was a full-on Bowflex machine in there. That was hilarious. Hold on to, like, the Game of Thrones sort of things on it. I do not like that Katie kept calling it a man cave. That is not a man cave you idiot. A man cave is where a man goes to be alone and watch TV and stuff like that. It's not a workout room. That is called a workout room. OK? It's all of his workout equipment that's in a room that he works out at. It's like a waste of room that he's like playing Nintendo in. By the way, that was a terrible workout room. And it actually really made me seriously question our thoughts that he maybe gave. Because I don't think any self-respecting gay man would have a workout room that looked like that. No. He buys that shit at late night when he's wasted after coming back from the bars. He goes to a gym. How else are he going to get his dick sucked? Do you think he's going to get it in his game room or whatever? No. He's going to go to a gym with a steam room that's private. Well, Katie had big plans. She said she's going to clear it all out and put in a mirror and a picture of her and the kids. I was like, that sounds like more of a lateral move than anything else. But OK. Yeah. You're like, I'm still going to be sponging off of all of his money and insisting that my life be part of his. And he's going to have no say in it. Oh, really? Like every other episode. Let's work. So then we go over to Robin's house. She's getting ready to go to a PR event. I really miss meeting the wife of the NBA store. But you know, no, I'm going to go to work. No, I got to go to work. No, but I've got to-- Here's the real story in this scene. Who is Uncle Gilbert? And why do we not get to see more of this guy? Everybody's talking about Uncle Gilbert on the old internet. Are they? Who's boyfriend is Uncle Gilbert, Robin's or Juan's? Oh, my goodness. Rawr. He was only on for like a flash second. And this is like-- we've seen a lot of hotness, actually, between Matt Sunday night, between Matt, between Uncle Gilbert, between Juan, between the bodybuilder guy, James, at the party. There was a lot of hotness, but Uncle Gilbert-- Oh, my God. It's like a Ben or Derf tray. It's like a dream Ben or Derf tray. Yeah. These are all right up my alley. Yes. It's a Ben fetish night. Lady Sunday. So they have-- I'm so sorry. Robin, that guy was hot. OK, of course you wrote "Down Hot" guy. That guy was hot. I didn't write it down, though. I just wrote "What a Terrible Mother." [LAUGHTER] And then the next line says, "Pace Pecante Sauce." [LAUGHTER] Her kids are like, "This food sucks. I hate this food." She's like, "Shut up and eat your pace." And it's like these terrible tacos. Like these frozen tacos that she just poured "Pace Pecante Sauce" on. Gross lady, make an effort. Yeah, I was on the kids' side on that one. And you know she would still serve on that when she was rich, too. She's like, "Here's your dog food." Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so, Rob, I'm still just thinking about Uncle Gilbert. New York City. Get a rope. OK, so then we go to Sharice's house. Big news. She let the dog upstairs. Couldn't believe it. I just hope the dog asks, because it's a little rude. Oh, my god. Karen comes over. She's like, "That dog spoke to a woman in a very disrespectful way." She's just like, "I hate being at home all alone." She's like, "The ghosts come upstairs. They don't even ask for a mission." What sort of ghost comes upstairs in someone else's house? That's not how you haunt someone. Not how you haunt someone. Those ghosts should have been concentrating on the breakfast they were making me downstairs. I have known these ghosts for 20 years and never have they haunted me the way they did that night with Ruth. This was the worst prank I've ever seen in my life, this scene. So Karen and Sharice are hanging out complaining that Sharice's husband, like America, doesn't like her. And so then Giselle and Katie come walking up and Giselle's like, "Let's play a joke. We'll knock on the door, and then we'll run away. And then when they answer the door, no one will be there." And Katie's like, "That is crazy." And so they knock on the door, and then they run behind a bush. And Sharice is like, "Who's out there? I don't think anybody's out there. I'm not answering the door for nobody. Who with it?" And so they finally have to go to the door. And they're like, "Surprise." No, it's not. Because you had to come to the door for her to open. And there was a cameraman standing in the driveway. That's the other thing. It's like a little drone camera above her head following her around everywhere. She's like, "She can't feed me." Yes, she can. So they come in, and then Karen is wearing what she's called, "These are my suck me pumps." Yikes, I wrote it. Which actually sounds more vulgar than fuck me pumps. I'm sorry. Well, also, because it kind of sounds like you have a dick. I mean, if you look like Dwight with a wig, why would you say, "Come suck me pumps"? We all know Dwight's the bottom. Karen's confusing. Karen confused us her day himself. I know, so actually speaking of sexual things, Katie starts alluding to the fact that she had a lesbian Trist once, which was-- Oh, yeah, because Ashley said, "My husband has a big one." And so everybody just says, "Can you believe she talked about the size of her husband's penis?" And Katie's like, "Well, I don't mind because, you know, I mean, I look at everybody's penis just to see, you know, because I like everyone. Young people, old people." And Karen's like, "Thank you for that. That's what we call etiquette." Now, what about women? She's like, "Well, yeah, well, just one time, 'cause I was a model." But, you know, then there comes a time where you're not a model anymore, and so you have to be straight. And they're like, "Oh, it makes total sense." Good story, yeah. So then the conversation turned to Ashley doing the Googling, and I loved Karen going, "We don't Google each other." I'm like, "Please." Yeah, get out of here. Oh, maybe she means technically, you know, 'cause you know Karen's still on Yahoo, okay? She's still on-- she's still on "Like Us." She's like, "We do not Google. We America online each other. We prodigy each other. All of this internet over the wireless. Give me a phone cord any day. It's called etiquette. A real woman uses infospace. (laughing) Oh, Karen. Okay, the thing that killed me about this is Katie is the one who said, "Guess what Ashley's been doing. She's been Googling us." When did she turn into such a bitch? Like, why is that all of a sudden? I don't remember-- You knew she was like forever said. Because Katie is a Yenta. This is her Jewish side. As a Jew, I feel like I can say that. Her Jewish gossipy side is coming out, and she's like, "Guess who's been Googling?" Well, I mean, I probably would actually say the same thing anyway, because it's like, if someone said to me, "Oh, by the way, I've been Googling you." It's such a strange thing to say. But of course, I would repeat it. I'd be like, "Someone's also said that they've been Googling us." Well, we all Googled each other, don't we? I mean, what the hell's the point of having Google? Like, if you're gonna go on a date with somebody, you Google them. They're dirt. Also, remember that these women have nothing to do with them. Nothing to do all day long. So of course, Katie's gonna mention this, 'cause it's the most exciting thing that's happened since she moved the both legs downstairs. And also, Katie's offense is hilarious to me, because of course, what she was offended about is that she was talking about Robin, and Robinson foreclosure. And I don't really believe that other people's money, or money, is what you should be talking about. I'm like, "Really, you poor bitch?" "What are you doing?" You moved in with a man, or sponging off of his ass, changing his home. Like, I guess it's not okay to talk about other people's money just to spend it. Get outta here. - Well, I mean, Katie was also doing the classic thing that we kind of made fun of Shray doing a little earlier. Katie was like, "Well, I can't believe "that she brought up Robin's finances." I mean, that's crazy that she talked about Robin being bankrupt. That's crazy that she talked about Robin being foreclosed upon, and that she has only $25. I mean, people shouldn't be talking about how little money Robin has that. Essentially, Robin's homeless. People shouldn't be talking about that. - Do you think Robin wants people to know that she's standing in a line for cheese? No, but you know, that's what Katie did. That's what Ashley did. I mean, the poor woman is stealing bottles of paste pecante sauce out of the dollar store. And what is Ashley doing? Telling everybody, it's just not right. - And then of course, Shreece manages to turn this into a story about her and her husband. - She's like, yeah, if that reminds me of Google's win. I found out my husband wasn't home. - I'm like, "What? "How did you segway?" - That was a running segway right there. - I know, when her segway was, well, maybe, you know, she's, maybe it's just, you know, when Ashley's doing this, maybe she's upset, 'cause maybe something else is really going on in her life. So for instance, I had in my life, I have a marriage that's falling apart. Anyway, the girl called her-- - Like poor Robin. She's probably just feeling like this, because her husband doesn't even say when he's leaving in the morning, or when he's in town. - Like one thing does not have to do with the other Shreece. So then they all have a golden girl's group hug. And then we go over to Ashley's bar, L-Till, where we see James, the bodybuilder, which we all appreciated. And then in the meantime, Andrew came back from his trip, what would you call it? Dick's sucking trip, or whatever. (laughing) And so here's all this funny about this. So then Katie's like, "Oh, here are the renovations "that I did on the apartment." And they go down to the basement, and she's like, "We've put in a room for May, "and it is literally the size of a cupboard. "It is like a bed with three walls around it." And then the rest is-- - It's like a hayless shoebox with a little door hole in it. I was like, "What is me supposed to?" You think lesbians all just want to live in a shoebox? What the hell kind of lesbian shows you watching, lady? - It was so small and oppressive. The oversized dollhouse from "Queen of Versailles" was roomier than this room. - They walk in May's like sleeping on the Bowflex. (laughing) - Thank you for my-- - She has nightmares at the Bowflex seem to come alive and strangle her. (laughing) - She can't get to sleep because the treadmill won't stop. (laughing) - They actually put the bed on. (laughing) She's like, "I keep falling out of bed." She's like, "Oh, really?" No, the bed is actually kicking me out. (laughing) Either that, or you know that's how Katie Wicks are up in the morning. She's amazed asleep on the treadmill and Katie presses start. (buzzing) (buzzing) She kicks her off onto the floor. - Oh, man, has a big bruise on her head, but those lesbians sure can't take a wall punch. (laughing) - So then Andrew says regarding the renovation, he goes, "Well, I wouldn't go so far as to say I'd like it. "I would say I accept it." Which I think is also what he says about her vagina. (laughing) He's like, "Look, I accepted it's there, "but I'm not going inside." So it's like a haunted house, you know? (laughing) I respect it. I let those ghosts do their thing, but I'm not going inside. - I pay for it, but that does not mean I have to play in it. (laughing) - So then also I have to say the door of this room has a big sign that says, "The Mrs." - Yeah, girl, no. Like now she's just giving herself titles that she doesn't even have. I mean, and he said, "Wow, that's kind of a gutsy move." I said, "Yeah, kick her ass out." Okay, and keep the kids and kick her out. - Stage five, Klinger. So then we go to the party. And so keep in mind that this bar is at the bar, does her husband run this bar or are they, or he used to run this bar, actually this husband? - Is this the barrel bar? - No, this is L2. Either way-- - That's the worst Spanish I've ever heard. (laughing) - Maybe it's L7, I don't remember. But either way, it was not open bar. - My husband owned part of a bar that I used to work in in the minute I saw him, why can't I say, "He's famous, I'm gonna get him," and I did. - Congratulations. - Yeah, you know what, here's what's bad. Putting all your money into having some half-naked, painted models instead of giving people an open bar, no one cares about those models. You can't have models at a party and then not have open bar, I'm sorry. - She just wanted to promote her own business. That's like those DJs who are like, "It's DJ Gonzo's special birthday celebration, "five dollar drinks at the food bar," or whatever. You gotta say in a birthday, you're trying to, or when people do an improv show, and they're like, "It's my birthday improv show, "I'm not gonna sit through an hour of your terrible work." - All right, guys, call me when you're dead, I'll celebrate that. - Total improv bar owners. - So everyone's there, Katie and Andrew are making out, it's like disgusting. It's worse than Jeff and the girl, Amanda. - Amanda? - On Princesses Long Island. - Yeah, I think they were just being overly social horny kids, but this couple was like the overcompensation couple, like we get it, no one cares. - Yeah, so you've been working on the Bowflex, but it was so-- - They weren't beat me much. - It was disgusting. They were like, "Open, tongue in there." - Why? Like, people kept telling them to stop, and they were like, "It was ridiculous." So meanwhile, Robin, Robin has now found out that Ashley has Googled her, and has been talking about how bankrupt she is. So what I love, I love when Robin does like a put down in her interview, because her timing is always so awkward, and Yorush, she's like, "I've heard of people being thirsty. "Ashley is dehydrated. "Get her some water." (laughing) - Girl, you're the one who can't afford a drink. (laughing) What are you calling dehydrated? - Sipping the rest of your pace pecanne sauce on the way here in your fucking Ford Explorer from 1987. Stupid, Robin. - So, then Robin pretty much confronts Ashley. He's like, "What are you talking about me?" And... - What are you saying to me in foreclosure? That's really not cool of you. And Ashley's like, "Well, it's because when Jamie was fiends, "you know, I just think you know who I'm friends with, "and so I'm like a Googled you. "But like if you're thinking of saying something malicious, "then like I'm sorry that I ever gave you the impression "that I was malicious, so like sorry if sorry is a game." - And just how it goes. - Listen, you can't just Google somebody and then talk about it, and then say you didn't mean malicious things. - Okay, then every student in America is like malicious and going to hell. 'Cause everyone uses Google, you dumb hunker. (laughing) - I don't know, Robin. - So, you use the internet, like, do you steal it from your neighbor? I was like, "How do you get it?" Because like ours will cut off. (laughing) - I haven't read a current event in five years, actually. I've been trying to make letters out of smoke for a really long time, but no one ever reads them. (laughing) - So then, they, like, everything's fine with them. And then Ashi's mom comes out on this show. Does any fight have any legs on their show? They're like, "I'm mad at you." And they're like, "I'm sorry." Okay, and then they hug. And they're like, "Well, I said okay this time, "but next time there's going to be hell to pay." Okay. So then Ashi's mom comes in with a birthday cake and Ashi starts crying. I was like, "Oh, I'm like, come on. "This is your 27th birthday. "It's a cake. Relax." - I just found out we made $19,000 at the butter. (groaning) Yes. - And then the episode ends with Ashi receiving a brand new Porsche, which Katie promptly gets in and she's like, "I want that." I'm like, "Oh God, Katie, you're just getting worse and worse." And Ashi's kind of mad. She's like, "It was my things and yours is mine." - Because now she knows that Katie's totally betrayed her. Now that's a fight I can get into. 'Cause those two will go at it. 'Cause they're roughly the same age. So they'll get at it a bit better than these other ones, but that's so funny. And Katie's like, "Well, she's got an old man "who probably can't fuck her anymore, "a Porsche and a birthday cake. "I mean, it's kind of everything I wanted." (groaning) Read a book. (laughing) Read a fucking book. - So funny. So funny. - Oh, don't you have a learning annex in your town doing? Just learn a trade, get them to crafting. Buy a glue gun, darling! - Darling. - Hmm. You've already died. - Well, me. Who needs a man, darling? - That's wrong. - That's it? - Let's finish it up. - Oh, I was waiting for you to finish, but it's my turn. - Well, I was going to, but then you were muttering something about me. - No, that's just how it rolls. I'm like rain man over here without any knowledge. I'm muttering stupid bravo things. Everybody, thank you so much for listening. You know, you can come to patreon.com/watchwhatcrapins to become premium, watchwhatcrapins.com for all our links and Facebook.com/watchwhatcrapins for talky talky walky walky, ha-la-la-la-pa-pa. And I think that'll be it. We will see you Thursday night. Well, Thursday, we have another episode, obviously. But Thursday night, 16 Pacific is our Google video chat and golf party singing. So thank you for today. And we will see you next time, every Monday. - Bye everyone. (upbeat music) - If you like Watch what Crapins, you can listen ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey at Wondery.com/survey. - Have you ever wondered who created that bottle of sriracha that's living in your fridge? Or why nearly every house in America has at least one game of monopol. Introducing the best idea yet. A brand new podcast about the surprising origin stories of the products you're obsessed with. Listen to the best idea yet on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.
