- This episode is sponsored by DoorDash. - You've heard us talking about the latest dash pass annual plan benefit. Stream max with ads included at no extra cost. If you haven't tried it yet, what are you waiting for? - Ronnie, you're a big Last of Us fan, right? - Oh, I sure am. The HBO original The Last of Us. It's about to start another season. - What would you order on DoorDash while you watch The Last of Us? - Well, while I'm watching Last of Us, I prefer eating salads from DoorDash because the zombies are plants. So you're kind of eating the zombie plant people, you know? - Oh, good. You're restoring order. - Yeah, it's on fan. (laughs) - Sign up for a dash pass annual plan and get max included at no extra cost. - It's your door to more. - Max is now included with your dash pass annual plan. Stream max with ads up to $120 value included at no extra cost. - In terms of supply, see DoorDash.com/max for details. - This time of year is busy. Family obligations, holiday parties, travel, relaxation might fall to the bottom of your priority list. - You guys, you need to take time to relax and you need to be somewhere where there's soft white sand healing crystal blue water cloudless skies. - We know where that place is. - Aruba shake off any cold weather blues and enjoy the islands invigorating sunshine. Aruba has the most sunny days anywhere in the Caribbean. - I promise you, this trip is going to be at least 10 times better than the trip to Aaron's Hampton's home on Real Housewives of New York, but that doesn't take much. I mean, it doesn't even compare. Aruba is a geeky gorgeous. - Please always choose Aruba over Aaron's home. We know you can't stay on vacation forever, but a trip to Aruba, honestly, it just never ends because the happiness and relaxation you feel in your bones, it just stays with you. - Book your trip today at aruba.com. ♪ Watch what, craft it ♪ ♪ Watch what, craft it ♪ ♪ Who cares what happens when there's so much that ♪ ♪ Crap it ♪ ♪ Crap it ♪ ♪ Crap it ♪ ♪ Crap it ♪ ♪ Crap it ♪ ♪ Crap it ♪ ♪ Crap it ♪ ♪ Watch what, craft it ♪ ♪ Watch what, craft it ♪ ♪ Who cares what happens when there's so much that ♪ ♪ Crap it ♪ ♪ Crap it ♪ ♪ Crap it ♪ ♪ It's one of these old words around it ♪ ♪ Who cares what happens when there's so much ♪ ♪ So much that happens ♪ - Today's episode is brought to you by our super premium subscriber, Marvin J, as well as our premium subscriber, Christy Daugherty. Thanks guys. Hey everyone, welcome to Watch what, Crap. It's a podcast about all the crap on Bravo that we just love to watch. I'm Ben Mandelker from bsideblog.com and the banter blender podcast. And joining me as always is the funny, hilarious, and criminally minded when it comes to O.J. Simpson, Ronnie Karam from TrashTalkTV.com. - Hurry ya, halloween. - Hello, Ronnie. I hope everyone remembers that if the glove does not fit, you must acquit Ronnie. Free Ronnie. - Well, my hands change sizes with my weight. So there you go, Jeremy Cochrane. - And you know, tensile strength of those fabrics can change over time, so, you know. - Everyone, thank you so much for tuning in to our podcast. We are the, I think it's safe to say, are we the number one Bravo podcast on iTunes? I think we can start bragging about that. - I don't know. I don't wanna say that because you never know there's competition out there. - We're the number one entertainment podcast in all the land. - We are the number one television show on ABC. Thank you for that. - We are part of Shonda Rhimes's Thursday night block. - Exactly, he's gonna argue with us. You can call us a liar in your car, all you want, we can't hear you. - That's right, it's Grey's Anatomy, how to make, I can't, I don't even know how to do that show. It's how to make a murderer. - How to make an a murderer. - How to make an a murderer. - Not your chart, did you not kill that woman? - Don't tell me, Brandon, okay? 'Cause I'm gonna represent you out of the best of my ability either way, okay? - And Scandal, and then Watcher Crapins, we are part of Shonda Night. - I was sleeping with the president, Scandal. - Yaw, yaw, yaw. - So anyway, everyone come visit us at Watcher Crapins.com and you'll find all our social media links to like Twitter and Instagram and Vine or whatever. Also, Facebook.com/watchworkrapins is like our main hub of activity. - That's what it be, you guys. - That's Watabe. - Some people have been asking like, how do I add to the Crapins mailbag, et cetera, where do I go to leave my comment? Every time, once a week, we put up a post on the Facebook page. That's like a link to the space on Patreon. So you could go to Patreon directly or you can come to our Facebook page, but if you're curious, that's where you do it. Just look through the post and you'll find it. But Facebook.com/watchworkrapins and of course, patreon.com/watchworkrapins and if you support us there, you get access to fun things like our weekly bonus episode. We just recorded it. We talked about the Super Bowl and about the O.J. Simpson, the People versus O.J. Simpson, really fun episode. We also talked about parking on Whole Foods. So really, there's something for everyone there. And again, also another question about the Crapins mailbag. People are like, how do I submit to the Crapins mailbag, et cetera? That is for our $5 donors. So that's how you can submit. And please, when you do submit a question, leave it in the comments portion of the Crapins mailbag post. Because if you send us a message on Patreon, we're really bad about checking messages there. So we try to check it. We try to check them there, but we don't always remember too. So-- - Get it in the post, darling. - Yeah, comments section on the Patreon posts. And you'll have access to the Patreon post if you donate at the $5 level. All the details on Patreon. So just go there, you'll read everything. You'll see everything. Whoo! - Yay, the opening's done. We did it, let's take a lunch break. - Well, you know what? You know what would be a fun thing to do on our lunch break, Ronnie? You know, like maybe we should like design a website. And now I know what you're thinking. We're not exactly web designers around here, but we are creating an awesome website, watchacropins.com, using weebly. We still can't believe how easy weebly makes it. - Hell yeah. You guys, if you-- - It's created, weebly is created for people. - I'm like, whoa. - It's so easy coming later, you guys. I'm so sorry. - It's overwhelmed, yeah. - Weebly is actually made for people like us. It's created for people with the courage to start their own business and dream of being their own boss. - You don't have to actually learn the code and all that crap to make a website work, which trust me, giving me personal nightmares on my own. - Yeah, I can only imagine how Katie felt on Vanderpump Rules took her three years. We were all really impressed with the wide variety of professional design and mobile friendly themes to choose from at weebly. - Hell yeah, you just drag and drop and quickly build and publish your site. It is too easy. - Yes, seriously, who does that? Who makes it so easy? - My review for Weebly is too easy. - Too easy. Never in life do you want to be too easy. Okay, Weebly, you're too easy. - Like the entire cast of Vanderpump Rules, Save Katie, it's too easy. - Yeah, yeah. It's actually, it really is too easy because now we're gonna have websites from Stasi and from Kristin and Jax 'cause too easy, even they can make websites. - Seriously? - Seriously. You know what's gonna happen? Kristin's gonna make a website. It's gonna be called seriously.com and you go to it and I read it back to seriously.com. (laughing) They'll say one moment. We are taking you to a new website. Seriously? You get there. - Seriously. - Oops, we can't find you seriously. 504 error, bad gateway. Seriously, who makes a gateway like that? Seriously? - Oh my God, you have a gateway computer? (groaning) (laughing) - But you can truly customize and update and change your site any time you want on any device which is super cool. So join the over 30 million people, perhaps 30 million and three if you include the Vanderpump Rules. - Including Jax's new sweater site. - Yeah. - After this episode. - And Brittany's website that is pictures of like nails. (laughing) Like literally actual nails that you hammer into walls. Look at this one. This one looks like a pony. - I'm gonna name my baby Rusty. (laughing) - Look, this one's a long nail. This one's a short nail to so many nails. - Oh Jax, I'm so glad we can just sit here in your studio apartment and talk about nails. (laughing) - So join the over 30 million people who are already dreaming big with Weebly. Get started today for free at weebly.com/watch. That's W-E-E-B-L-Y.com/watch. Weebly.com/watch. We did it. We did it. - We did it. - We did it. You make the bomb Weebly commercial beam. - We did it Weebly-A-L. Isn't that exciting? - Oh, sorry Matt. That didn't have it up here. I was thinking it was coming later in the show. - No, no. A little surprise Weebly. You never know when that Weebly is for a cat show. (gasping) Is that the. (upbeat music) - It's my old bag. (screaming) - That's Sheena in the morning. (screaming) - What if Erica Jaden moved in with Sheena? (laughing) (screaming) - What was Sheena's song? How did that go? It was like. - Grib, move out of the dance part. - I'm moving around on a floor. I'm moving on a floor. It's on a floor. Pajamas on a floor. Floors. - She's not that far removed from Cartman, by the way. (laughing) (screaming) - It's like what Gretchen sounds like at the dentist. (laughing) - Hi Weebly. - I was at the dentist earlier this week and I was gagging up a storm. I have the worst gag reflex. I'll tell ya. - Oh, Ben, let that sit right there. Oh, and by the way, in case you forgot from last week. - I think I'm gonna just try one of each of the prime cocktails. (laughing) - That's Sheena's fancy voice. - Yeah. (laughing) - She's trying to be fancy. - She puts all her racing on her little lap. She's like, I want a big one. And so I want a big one. - We want a one. - That's how she talks when she goes to a fancy ball. - Yeah, we have one of each other like I thought I was last. - Do do do do. (laughing) (laughing) - So speaking of fancy balls, our first question comes. (laughing) I wasn't even trying to make a double entendre, but fancy balls is also the name of many people on Vanderpump Rules. (laughing) Fancy balls. - Let's see a fancy balls. - Fancy balls. - Yeah, yeah. Now you're gonna go and you're gonna say this tuna tata, I'm gonna serve it with a smile. All right, fancy balls. (laughing) Okay, so last week, we didn't get to like two things on the last week's crap in the mail bag. So this is from Mary. ♪ 'Cause it was Mary ♪ - Oh my God, Jesus is his mother. - There was a song in my sixth grade play called Mary. It was a really lovely song. And it went like what I just sang. - What degree did you know? What they're like. ♪ And if it did you know you were pregnant ♪ ♪ Did you know ♪ - It's like this sad song about Mary not knowing things. I've never really listened to the words. I'm just like, I'm glad Mary gets a song, sure. Mary has a few songs, by the way. First of all, she gets, she's lucky enough because Mary gets sang by Tina Turner. Proud Mary. - Well, I mean, look what was happening to her during that time. God bless her heart. - God bless her. - She was thinking about pride while Ike was beating her and being a fucking ass, Ike, Ike, Ike, ass. - Being a bad Ike. The Mary that we sang about in our sixth grade play, it was like a song like the 30s and the 40s. It was like, ♪ 'Cause it was Mary ♪ ♪ Mary ♪ ♪ But, but, but, but, but, but, but ♪ - Yeah, that's the one I mean. - Just kidding. What if they started singing that in church? ♪ Thank you ♪ ♪ Mary ♪ ♪ You guys in church are just changing so fast ♪ I don't even know what they'll play next. - Mary, your homework is to look up the song that's about you from like the 30s or the 40s. 'Cause you'll love it. You'll be like, "Hey, it's me." So, Mary says, "Mary's from the South, I think." 'Cause she says, "Growing up, I went to Catillion." Should I read, I'm gonna read it in fake Southern voice. - You guys don't have Catillion? - What? - You guys don't have Catillion? - Well, maybe we do. I don't know. - I have to know. - Okay, sorry, go ahead. - So, growing up, I went to Catillion. It was an etiquette class in ballroom dancing lessons for kids in fourth to eighth grade. Girls will walk gloves and curts seed and everything. No, I did not grow up in the South. Oh, well, I'm really, Mary's on top of it. She knew exactly what we'd be saying. She knew. She's like, "Wait a minute, stop that accent." - People can put anything in their mailbag and we'll just read it. - It'll be like, "You two are both cut fitnesses and say tanning, I hope you go to help." We're like, "Thanks for the donation." - So, Mary did not grow up in the South, so we're gonna scrap that accent. So, she says, "If you had to pick any house left to start a new Catillion, who would it be and which housewives should attend?" - Oh my gosh, a Catillion. My sister went to Catillion. That was the funniest shit I've ever seen in my life. My mother and my sister putting on ball gowns and getting claw bangs for Catillion. - Well, first of all, I think, I think, again, I have to be Tamara Barney, and I know I always respond with Tamara Barney, tell me these questions. Only 'cause it's called Catillion, and it just sounds too close to cut fitness if you know what I'm saying. (buzzing) - A Catillion. - A Catillion? (laughing) - I wasn't gonna say it, but since you said it, I'm sorry, we're a massage. - Well, it's not a C-word, it's a Catillion. It's a plain Catillion. - Catillion. - Oh, so at the very least, she would be the one spiking the punch ball. Do they have punch balls there? - She'd be like, "That was way too nice." Okay, the way that you like, what was that thing called? Were you like half-bowed, but it wasn't really a curtsy? Yeah, whatever. Okay, instead, you just need to, like, squat piss on the floor. You're not. Thank you for coming to Cuntillion. (laughing) - Tamara did take an out of her class a few seasons ago and they were like, okay, the small fork is on the left, the larger fork is on the right. Whoa, she's like, this is crazy. Just give me a napkin. - Why do you need two forks, bitch? Like, what kind of bouncy-cut fitness needs a double fork? Okay, welcome to Cuntillion. Here's how you're gonna eat. There's gonna be hot dogs. Pretend you're giving them a blowjob, then give them the Eddie to eat while you sneak hot dog buns into the bathroom, okay? - We dress this out with a hidden valley ranch. If you don't like it, go to a different cuntillion, okay? (laughing) 'Cause she would have a giant salad there for some reason. - This is a public email Facebook post to Hidden Valley Ranch. You can't hide from me, bitch. (laughing) - Hey, bitch! (laughing) - She's like ruining the reputation of hidden valley ramps. - She's actually gonna get rebaptized in a giant bat of hidden valley ramps. In this end of the cuntillion. All right, betchez, stop this ballroom dancing. It's time for me to get baptized in the honey mustard dressing. - All right, now's the time for prayer, bitches. Now, get on your knees while I come around and slap you with a dildo. - Stupid baptism sex party, that woman's too much. - And then she gets into a tub of French dressing with Eddie, and they have pretend sex. (laughing) Wait, so who would go to the, who would attend? Who should, a hot tub full of hidden valley ramps with Eddie? - Who should attend? - Who should attend cuntillion? - Does this mean who needs to learn to be more of a cut fitness? - Or, I don't know if it's who needs to learn to be more of a cut fitness, or who would just really enjoy the event? - Okay, let's say if you're gonna go to Tamara Barney's cuntillion, that's where you learn how to be a cut fitness, right? So, okay, every time you say the crack me up, and I'm sorry, 'cause it is a terrible word, but it's just, in this context, it's the funniest thing I've ever heard. - No, your kids don't know what that is. Okay, I mean, mom's in the car, don't be mad at me, okay? It's like just a different, it's a different word, it doesn't count. - I've kept my promise, mostly, unless I forget. - I have a cut fitness tick. - I can't stop it, they come back all the time. - Anyway, who's going to get an invitation? Wait, what do the invitations look like? Do they just arrive? You get your own plastic sample packet of Hidden Rat Valley Ranch. That's glued in rubber cement onto a piece of cardboard that says, "Hey, cut fitness, hey, bitches, "you're cordially invited a cuntillion." It's happening in Justin. - Justin, it's like written on the back of those, like-- - In the ballroom at the courtyard in the park, those car wash discount coupons, or whatever, for the man. - There's like an ad for Adriana's insurance on the back. But he's like, "I'm not going. "You put my competitor on your invitation." That's not right. - This is so stupid, it's already so crazy. Oh my God, that is-- - We haven't invited a single housewife. (laughing) - Okay, so who needs to learn to be a cut fitness? Eileen, I think, could use some good lessons in that. Also, I'm sorry to do it from the same show, but I would love to see Lisa Rinna get her cut fitnessy out because she's got it in her. She's just trying to pretend she's nice still when she's not. Stop pretending to be nice when you're just doing cut fitnessy things. Okay, she needs to learn from Tamara. - Yeah, yeah, I think that would be good. I feel like, well, I mean, I don't know if anyone from Atlanta needs to go. Does anyone from New York have to go? - I mean, but she got fired, so I don't think you're even-- Well, yeah, you're still invited. Tamara likes you better if you've been fired from a housewife, so she's like, "Okay, we can be friends now." - I would send, I would send Derinda there just 'cause I would like to hear Derinda's thoughts on the entire thing, you know? She'd be like, "Oh, well, how do you have it? "You can't have it, you can't have it." This is crazy, no, hey, just back up, back to fuck up, get away from the valley ranch. - Right, everybody practice some swallowing sausages without me, I love 'em here, Tamara. We grew up on the same neighborhood, okay, Tamara? We're in the same place. - You know what, I don't think Ramona has to go, but I think I would enjoy watching Ramona sending someone there because she would take pictures and be like, "I can't believe it." They're all grown up, they're going to their first cantillion. I remember when she was 33 years old and she was so nice, and now she's been on TV and now, okay, I'm sorry, she needs to go to cantillion, I'm sorry. - I'm sorry. I'm trying to think, who is too nice on all of these? Okay, the girl from Potomac, Katie. - Katie, yeah, she's going there. And you know what, I would also like Katie from Vanderpump Rules to get back in touch with her inner cantillion. - Oh, she's still a cut fitness. - But she needs to bring it back, she needs to get back in touch with that. - She's like one of those old muppets who sits in the balcony just being a cut fitness to everybody, but she doesn't have the other old muppet next to her anymore, so it's just like one old muppet. And if there's just one old muppet, all they do is eat at the snack bar and sit there and don't say anything 'cause there's no way to back them up. - Yeah, I think that we could also send, Kyle Richards probably should go, because again, we like Kyle the most when she's being a cut fitness. - Kyle Richards is the worst human being on the planet, okay, that's it. - She could, her statue will be in front. (laughing) - It'll be like a statue with like back fat hanging over a brought few glasses. - We'll be like a fountain with the Hidmo. - Fountain with like, you know, Italian dressing, so you have the front of like a fish and camera would be like, "You couldn't even put Hidden Valley ranch in your statue, "that's it, you're the head cut fitness, "you've won cantillion." (laughing) - All right, so also-- - Now let's pray. (laughing) - Let's pray. (laughing) - Speaking of Ramona, Teresa Maravitch says, she doesn't have a question, she has a suggestion for us that maybe we'll employ later this episode or the future. - Well I'm working out, so don't suggest a jog, bitch. - No, she says, "This is something you can do during a regular podcast, "it's called," and then Ramona walks in, randomly during-- (laughing) She goes randomly during review, like what you're talking about, Beverly Hills or Band of Up Rules or whatever, one of you just bursts out with, and then Ramona walks in, and the other one says, "Whatever the hell Ramona would say, "based on what she just saw, "you have to put each other on the spot." Okay. - Okay. - We'll try to work that in, like we don't know when it's gonna happen. - So it's basically every episode of this podcast that we've ever done. I think Ramona's been in like 90% of these podcasts. - Yeah, I mean we just, we just send her to Cantillion for crying out loud. - You don't have to be an alcoholic, okay? (laughing) Why don't you just drink one beer? Like, what's the problem with one beer, okay? - Okay. (laughing) You know what I love about Katie's blog? It reminds me of Sunshine, okay? Whoa, it's weird. A lot of Sunshine in here. - Ramona's new book. - I'm okay, you're okay, okay. (laughing) Okay, so now we have some questions from this week's, this week's Crap and Smile bag. Here's one from Jackie Flavin. - Jackie Flavin. - Jackie Flavin. - Jackie Flavin. She says, pick one Bravo Liberty for each of the following. Someone to be your step mom, someone to be your actual mom, someone to be your roommate and Lassie, someone to sit next to you on a plane for 12 plus hours. And then, yeah. - So, what is it, roommate? - What? - Step mom, actual mom, roommate, and someone to sit on a plane with the next 12 hours. - Okay, step mom, Megan. (laughing) - For sure. - Yeah, 'cause she'd actually pay you. - Yes, she would pay, she would do my homework for me. She would probably do this show for me. She would be like, - Hi, welcome to watch with Crap and let's go to Patreon, okay? If you don't know, find out who you are. Justice! - Yeah, if you ever get beaten up at school, you know she doesn't even get to the bottom of it. She'll show up in her inspector gadget outfit, spying on whoever beat you up. - So, this is my step child. - She'll wear headbands made out of sausage links just to support my eating disorder. - I think for actual mom, again, I think I'll answer with Tamara, because you could get away with anything. You could drink, you could have parties, you could do anything you wanted. Of course, you'd also probably inherently fucked up, so that is a problem. - But Tamara's the kid. She'll steal shit from your wallet. That's true, that's true. Well then Lisa Vanderpong. - I don't think her children even talked to her, I mean, God bless her and everything for that, 'cause that's terrible even though she probably deserves it. But she's terrible. No, I don't know. - Lisa Vanderpong, actual mom, because they're loaded and you just be living the best life, even as a busboy, you'd be living the best life. - So far from what we've seen on Housewives, Lisa Vanderpong is the only legit loaded person on these shows. Can you think of another, like who's legit loaded? - I don't think you'd rain, but she's gone now by it. - Actually, believe it or not, Jill Zarin is legit loaded. - Oh, she is, that's true. She's gone too though. - No, there's some others. - I'm taking the rules as I keep talking. - Adrian Maloof, Adrian Maloof is legit loaded. And there were some others, well, I mean, I think that the bros are legit loaded, unless it's all. - Oh, they are, yeah. - And I thought there's someone else from New York who's legit. Oh, Bethany is legit loaded these days. - True, and I feel like Carol Radzwell, probably. - Bethany is like the most loaded out of anybody ever. I think even anybody who works at Bravo. - Probably. - I mean, that gets loaded. - She's soups loaded. I feel like there's like maybe what, you know, I actually feel like Karen Huber, her husband might actually have some good money, like legit money, 'cause he was like, he was involved in real stuff, but we don't know enough about them yet. - Also, she has like pretend intercom, where she's just pretending to call him over the intercom when he's in the next room, so I don't buy it. - That's true too. - It's too early to say on Potomacoo has legit money. I feel like there's one other person on Bravo who is like crazy, crazy loaded. I just can't remember who it is. - Okay, so we have to pick a Y, I mean, a mom, so I think we both take fan about the step mom. I have Megan, who was yours, Tamara? - Yeah, I was gonna say, I'll say Megan also. - Okay, and then what was the other one? - A roommate, a roommate, I think Carol Radzwell, although I feel like she'd be messy oddly enough. She would, she wouldn't clean up anything, and she'd just be throwing animal throws over things. She'd be like, "I remodeled." And then it's just like a zebra thing thrown over a chair from Potombarrel. Great girl, get out. - Yeah, maybe Candy Burris, probably not Candy Burris. - Oh my God, her mother would come over. - That's how I was thinking, her mom would come over. I think, definitely not Shannon. (laughing) - Kristen, I would take Kristen. No, you know who I would take? - Yeah. - Tamed gay, Adam. Oh, I also wanted to say, explain Tamed gay really quick, because I was reading a Reddit thread. I love going to Reddit, and they have a subreddit called Bravo Real Housewives, for those of you who like Reddit and don't know about this. And you can just talk shit with them all day about news stories about Bravo. And I don't go in there that much, because by the time we do the show, I don't wanna have already discussed it with people. You know, I save it for you, Bean. - Aren't you lucky? But I was reading it one time, and someone was saying, why does Crapins call it? What is a Tamed gay? Because it makes me cringe when they say it. And someone said, oh, it's a Bravo gay that kind of works for the ladies. You know, ones at the lady street like that. No, no, that's a Bravo gay. Or a friend ploy. I don't even think we have a specific name for that kind of gay, do we? - No, not on things that are just, no. - But Tamed gay comes from Shaws of Sunset. Reza's boyfriend, Adam, is a Tamed gay. And that just means when you're gay, but you start aging, and then you start pretending you're really tame, and you're not interesting anymore. It's like, no fun all night parties, no blow jobs at bachelor parties. You know, instead, you just wanna see, I don't know, maybe guys jogging without underwear under their jogging pants. Like, that's what's sexy to you now. Or sweaters. - I think that's sexy, even if you are not a Tamed gay. (laughing) - But a Tamed gay is like, you know, just being polite and quiet, and is just let her wearing, yeah. - Yeah, it's like sitting at home and staring at your chevron walls. - Yeah. So, yeah, that's Tamed gay. - I would have Adam as my roommate, because he's a Tamed gay. I know he would clean everything up. - Yeah, he would clean everything. - He would insist on paying rent on time. He would cook for me. I could yell at him and have temper tantrums, and he would still be like, "Okay, I'll still be your roommate." - Yeah. - You know, it's perfect. - And then lastly, someone to sit next to on a plane for 12 hours, I actually think Stossie, 'cause I think that we would get drunk. She would be shady about everything and everyone. She would gossip at everything, and she'd be hilarious, and secretly we'd become best friends. (laughing) - Oh God, sitting on a plane for 12 hours, geez. I think someone probably, for me, would be Luann, because I feel like Luann would have such disdain for me. - She would never say. - I would be wearing leather crocs, and skin-type jogging pants that are those desert camo. You know how I dress in cash life? Like terrible, terrible, embarrassing. And I would smell like cigarettes and then be unshaven, and she would be so fucking mortified that she'd be inching away from me so I could have arm space, and she wouldn't speak to me. And that's my dream plane, right? - I feel like that with Luann, that she has a very large head, and I imagine her having like one of those big neck pillows, and it just sort of like would start to infringe on your space and be like-- - Well, no one has a bigger head than me. I've got like three Charlie Brown heads in one, okay. I will head fight that day. (laughing) - Okay, so we have another question, but we'll just put that till Thursday, it's from Betty Brown, so we'll get your question out on Thursday. ♪ Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun ♪ (laughing) - This is Van, like, from my bro, bye! (groaning) (laughing) Just a little, 'cause it has to, we just need you now. (groaning) - I feel like sometimes on this show, we're just daring people to turn it off. - I know, we are. By the way, Erica would be a good-- - It's really, really doing it, and I'll love it and never change it. - I know. Erica would be a good remit to you, by the way, I wanna add. So, ooh, let me mark down the time code. We are at 27 minutes. How lovely that we-- - I'm so curious to know why you would think that Erica would be a good roommate. What gives you that-- - Should be fun, I feel like we'd chat. - You'd be like, I'm gonna buy some Tupperware. Can I please have budget approval, Van? (laughing) - That's true, that's true. And should make the entire place look like it was like faux renaissance or something. - Yeah, like we do not need a kneeling room, but this is a gay home, okay? Every room is a kneeling room. - So we didn't, so because of the Super Bowl, or as I like to call it, the Superb Owl, we did not get Potomac or Atlanta this week. So instead, we are going to do talk about pump, real housewives, I'm sorry, not real housewives, Vanderpump rules, we're talking about Vanderpump rules and Top Chef this week. And then on the next episode, we'll talk about newlyweds and Beverly Hills, which is why we're also having a more, why we had a little bit more of an indulgence mail bag, 'cause we're a little light this episode. So should we start with the Vanderpump rules? - I am Dan, man, I love me some Vanderpump rules. - This episode was cracking me up because they're all, we're just saying such stupid things all episode long that I just, I was just laughing, nothing even happened, and I was just cracking up. - Oh my God, so much happened in this episode of "You Cating." Tom number two has a pair, I've never seen it. - Yeah, that was nice, I like that. - Or he can memorize the monologue. I don't know which is more impressive, but I haven't seen him do either ever, so yeah, good for you, buddy. - Yeah, so it opened up with Stasi, it's like hanging out with Kristan, and Stasi's like trying really hard to become friends with everyone again, and she's having real trouble getting to Katie, and Stasi's saying, I've had to swallow my pride, it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. - By the way, can you hear the construction outside? - I can, yeah, it's nice. - It's nice. - They're building MJ a new pantry 'cause she's getting married, or they're getting her out of the old one. (laughing) - She finally found a steady fiance, so she's eaten herself into the pantry. - I was gonna say it's the perfect metaphor for Stasi, is hearing that drill. - Anyway, Stasi, that is not the grossest thing you've swallowed, okay? - Yeah, she's like-- - You've dated Jacks. - Yeah, exactly, and she's like, all I did was tell some people to fuck off Stasi, but I mean-- - I'm the leader of the show, the owner of the show. - Yeah, although-- - And then ignore them. - Exactly, although it has to be frustrating to be getting the cold shoulder from Katie, who is one of the most impressionable followers on this show. For even Katie to be standing up to you, that's just mortifying. - Well, I'm a very big, bitchy personality, and I have noticed in my own life that people, I'm like, oh, people are fine with me, and then it's great, and then one day, an explosion comes, and then it's a barrage of shit that I've done that I never knew, and I feel like Stasi's like that too. She's like, oh, I'm an asshole? Why didn't anybody, she didn't know she had no idea or something, and she's just confused, but I still don't feel bad for her. - It's like the Paul Simon song when he says, when something goes wrong, I'm the first to admit it, first to admit it, but last one to know. - Ooh, Paul, what are you admitting? Paul's just admitting to random things. - For him, it's just like, he didn't put away the forks and knives after dinner or something, but Stasi, it's like Stasi, how do you not know what you did wrong? There's an entire internet, okay? - You have hours of footage for you to watch yourself do shit wrong. - Yeah, I know. - I love that the show opened with this song 'cause I love paying attention to the music on the show, and I think this pretty much summed up the show. It was, ♪ Red and Jersey ♪ ♪ New shit ♪ ♪ I'm like la la la la ♪ - Sounds, it was guttural sounds coming from some 20-year-old person who barely knew how to play a guitar, and I was like, yes. - This sounds right. - This sounds right, so then we go over to Katie and she's got a full-on Amy Winehouse Beehive going on on her head, and she's talking about, she's gonna have a Pucker and Pop party because she's launching a blog, she's launching a blog, and she wants to have a party to launch it, so it gets a lot of great attention. You know, people talk about launching a blog as if you've found like gone to a VC and gone like first round funding for a magazine that's gonna go out into, it's like a blog, okay? Like, we've all, the two of us have done it, okay? Anyone can do it. - I want a party to celebrate the $300 I paid a host month every six months, or a host monster, okay? Where's my goddamn party? - It's like, great, I just installed a new template on WordPress. I want to have a party now. - You guys, I went to columns. - Drinks for everybody. - I just installed a responsive layout on my blog. Let's have a party. (laughing) - Let's cheers to the pictures resizing themselves. (laughing) (laughing) - You guys, I added a new feature on my sidebar. Now you can access archives for more than three months ago. Oh my God, let's have a party for this to announce this. (laughing) - Okay, the-- - I finally figured out how to wrap text, party time. - A wrap text, the boys, oh God, I must've kicked over a jug of water darling. I've got a new apartment, I mean, I'm in the same one, but I'm remodeling it, and so I'm kicking things over. Like, I don't have any furniture memory in my body yet. Anyway, the toms come over, Tom number two, okay. So I know that everybody, well, Shina, is saying he's so arrogant in this and that. I guess I never really see it 'cause I just like him. He doesn't really bug me. Like, if anything, I think he's just gross for ever being with Kristin, and now kind of Ariana, even though she's not gross, but I know he's being pushed around. So anyway, that's my general. But he keeps pushing this everyone you have to hate to keep them out of the group, which basically means the TV show. He's being so protective over who's allowed to be in the cast and who he's gonna shoot with and who he's not gonna shoot with. Buddy, you're a bartender on a TV show. Stop it, okay, you're a bartender. Stop it, you don't get to pick everything. You're not a casting director, you don't get to pick. - Well, listen, I think in real life, IRL, I think it's totally reasonable to be like, Kristin is crazy, Stossy is crazy. Let's, how about this, let's not hang out with him. I don't wanna hang out with him. I mean, I don't wanna hang out with him. I think that's a pretty normal thing. - You stop fucking them. Like, why is it okay for you to date somebody for how many every years and make everyone else's life hell while she's acting like a crazy cow? But now that you've had enough, everybody else has to have had enough? No, you were the one who brought her into the circle and were friends with her for a zillion years. - No, she was your fault. - No, I don't think that Tom brought her in 'cause she was friends with Jacks and everything. - They met when Kate, oh no, I'm thinking of Katie and Tom, number two, meeting when they were roommates or whatever. - I don't know, I don't remember the whole thing. I think it's like, I think that Kristen went totally nuts and crazy and betrayed her best friend and cheated and made and then was like a crazy, like whirling dervish. And so I don't think it's like, oh, that Tom unleashed this crazy and then finally he decided that he had enough of it. It's like, when he'd had enough of Kristen, then she became super crazy. I think it's like a pretty reasonable thing to say, hey, let's not invite her. And also, by the way, everyone, have you noticed that Sauss is a super bitch? How about we don't invite her either, you know? - It just seems that he's always the one who's saying who you can and can't invite. - No, he's just, no, it's not that. It's that he has, he is like a little bit of a voice of reason and the rest of them are cuckoo. I'm sorry, it's not that he's like pushing an agenda. He's like trying, he's like trying, he sees things like what they are and she's with Kristen for three years. There's just something I don't buy. - Well listen, Shina's like, you know, Stasi will say to Shina, you know what, I was such a bitch too, but you know what, your skin looks really nice today. And she's like, oh my god, we're friends again, you know? So these people like, they are, I don't know, I think they're crazy. - We're bringing it on. - I decided logic into Vanderpump rules again. - Yeah, I do have to say, Katie's hair, please stop it. - Stop, listen, listen, listen, Katie's hair. You've always had trouble, okay? You've always had trouble. - It's not like this is the first talk we had, but a big pile of beehive on top of your head does not a blog make, okay? - And it's sort of making, so here's the thing, you know, at the risk of sounding insensitive, you know, Katie has put on a little bit of weight recently. She's been nesting and I think the big hair is just, is not helpful. - But last year she hadn't put on weight and that was when she had her Ronald McDonald's or Fantasia Streaks or whatever. - I think that was two years ago as when she had her like orange craziness happening. - Yeah, so I don't think it's a weight thing. I mean, if anything-- - No, no, I'm just saying the big hair sort of makes, I feel like the big hair kind of makes her look bigger. - Oh. - It's like, she has just more of a big presence. - I think Katie is just really evil because-- - It is, no, she, I mean, she's not fat. - We just saw her as a bikini and she didn't look fat. I mean, not at all. - She doesn't, she doesn't look fat, she's not fat. She's not overweight at all. I'm just saying that she has put on some weight and I just think that the big hair is sort of making it look, like she's put on more weight than she perhaps has. - Yeah, it's almost like, I don't know, thinks you're supposed to do the disguise, but it doesn't work. Like, Risti Ali saw an Oprah that you're supposed to wear tighter clothes when you're fat because it makes you look like less of a tent and then she showed all these pictures of her doing it and she looks crazy. (laughing) So Katie, think about that. - You've summoned comparisons to Kristi Ali. - Yeah, Katie, meet Kristi Ali, okay? - So then, so yeah, so Katie wants to do a launch party. So then we go to the dentist where Max is going to get a checkup with Dr. Rifkin and Dr. Rifkin is one of many doctors in the world of Vanderpump Rules and Real House of Beverly Hills who's like, hey, bro, what's going on with your teeth? (laughing) What's up, bro? - You're like, okay, old Jewish man. - Yeah. - Let's please drop the bra. - Yeah. - He's like, well, hello there, yum, yum, hello, bro. - What is Shonda, that's your year, bro? It's a mitzvah that you still have your teeth, bro. - Welcome to the gas station, let us fist pump. - Oh, shut up. - Yeah. So we learn that Max is no longer with faith. So here's the thing, so Lisa's there with Max and with James and James starts talking about who, like, Max had sex with him the night before. I'm like, this is so wildly inappropriate. This woman is not only Max's mother, but it's also your boss. Why are you saying this stuff? Why are you just talking about it? And then he's-- - Have to figure out if James, well, I mean, it could be both of these things before I'm about to say, I know what I'm about to say and it's already wrong, but I can't tell if he's just a raging drug addict or crazy. - Yeah. - Which is it? It's gotta be one of the other. - I think it's not just immaturity. There's something not right there. - I think it's both and I also think, I also get the feeling that he thinks he's being so smart and clever in terms of, like, oh, I'm gonna bring the show. I'm gonna bring the show. You know, the producers were probably like, hey, can you maybe mention this? And he's like, goes overboard. Don't you get the feeling like he is doing way too much to, you know, it's like, he's just so above and beyond. 'Cause then he starts to, like, vent about Kristin and he starts talking about how he drunk texted Kristin and he's drunk texted Lawler. And he's just telling all this stuff to Lisa and she's not even asking him, he's just saying it. I was like, this just seems so crazy. - That's why I think drugs because I don't even think, he's not even aware that anybody's there half the time. He probably goes home muttering this shit to himself, you know? He's probably just like making chips and salsa at home, like putting things on a plate, like, yeah, it's rut, bitch. That's rut, babe. Yeah, he'd go into that bowl, babe. (laughing) Go to that bowl, babe. (laughing) Well, James is like, so then he starts, he pulls out this text message that he sent to Lawler, a series of text messages. And so I paused it, of course, and I wrote down the exact text. This is what he wrote to Lawler. And this is what he like reads to Lisa. - Beautiful. - This is the exact text. He says, "So don't say we're chillin." And when he writes chillin, he writes C-H-I-L-L-E-N. He doesn't. (laughing) So don't say we're chillin' when you clearly have friends with some ugly fuck heads. Don't think I give a fuck about your boys when I don't. They lame as fuck. Sorry, not sorry. Ugly as fuck when the as fuck is an AF. Ugly as fuck, have fun. Also, heard how you were killin' some asshole and kissing me after. That's nasty, go fuck yourself. And then, like, a little emoji of someone praying. - What? Does that mean an emoji of somebody? - It's like a piece, it's like, when you do that, it's like a piece, like, you know, when people say that. - It's like peace out. - Yeah, it's like blessings, blessings. You know, when people do that, it's like a goodbye. So, this crazy drunken rant to Lawler. And then he starts talking about how Lawler, ate out someone's ass, the rims up. - Oh my God, he's like, Lawler talks to Salah to some guy and then, you know, came with me and they put mouth on me and Lisa's like, "Tossing a salad, darling." - I mean, people want their salads tossed and I'm sick of listening to people complain about it. All right, if someone wants their salad tossed, it's your job to write it down on a note but can give it to Chef Joe, darling. - Chef Joe, go speak to Chef Penny. She has a wonderful recipe of deconstructed Caesar salad. But what I want you to do is take the deconstructed Caesar salad and toss it all together. - Darling, Chef Joe is a pro at tossing Penny's salad. (laughing) - I don't think you meant to say that, Lisa. No, 'cause it takes Penny's salad. She just gets right on in there and just tosses it. Gets right in her salad. - No, babe, it's making out with the corn. It's making out with the cornhole, girl. All right, you stupid basic bitch. - Why, who doesn't love a cornhole every once in a while, darling? (laughing) Everyone loves a corn nut. You know, that's right, get a piece of corn. Pack a hole in it. - We're talking about-- - I'm up around the Christmas tree, darling. Watch Penny try and eat your way through New Years. All right, well, whether it's nice the industry, Penny. - No, Lisa, no, what I'm talking about is a rim job. You know who, of course, the rim job. We all love a good rim on our margarita. I like to take some raspberry sugar and put the glass in there and then you got a real good rim job right there. (laughing) - What's the problem, James? - I remember when Max one time asked for his birthday for a rim job and I said, "No, Max, "if you're going to cover those tires, "you're gonna need to pick up more buzzers, job, "more buzzers." - What am I trying to say? - I don't know, it's able. - No, darling. - Shifts, darling, shifts. - Shifts, thank you. - But it was actually like, I know this show is like fake and silly or whatever, but it would, to me, it actually was so wildly inappropriate to be discussing Lala's sexual activities in front of the boss. Like that is actually sexual harassment if this were like a real job. - Her first day at work, everybody told Lisa she was a whore, she was like, "Oh, by the way, "I don't know who your human resource person has bought. "That girl's a yacht slut, okay? "People shit on her face." And Lisa was like, "Be nice to Lala, darling." - "Be nice to Lala, I don't care if you were chilling "when you clearly, she has clearly friends "with some ugly head. "I don't care, I do give a fuck about her boys." - Oh, so Lala tosses salads through a living? Well, that's a good start. Maybe I should have Lala come in here and teach this staff how to toss a salad. - No one needs a dry salad, it pump, darling. - Yeah, I don't know. I just couldn't believe also James's rants. So I think we're chilling when we're cleaning. What does it even mean, you clearly have friends with some ugly fuck head? What does that mean? You clearly have friends with some ugly fuck head. Don't think I give a fuck about your boys when I don't, you basic bitch. - And he also says you're ugly, yeah, he's like you're hanging out with some ugly dudes. That's like James's biggest comeback in the call people's boyfriend's ugly. - Yeah, he's the weirdest comeback I've ever heard, especially from a bobble headed semi-cross-eyed meth head who's like 23 and looks like somebody Tim Burton created years ago. - He really has like the most truly, like his insults are so rudimentary. It's like, there's just no artistry to them. I mean, they lame as fuck, sorry, not sorry. Oh yes, fuck, have fun. That's nasty, go fuck yourself. - I know you are, but I'm hard, babe. - So, and then James, oh, and he also goes after Jack too, and he's like, "Jack's and his monkey dumb fuck ass." (laughing) - I've done everything I could to punish Jack's. He came to my home. I drank a diet coke in front of him. I mean, nothing tells someone off like me drinking a diet coke, darling. All right, we're done, that's all. I've done all I can do, darling. I've done everything. And then I love, by the way, at this point, the dentist already did that thing, which is what everyone does in the stores, and they have scenes and everything. And we're just like, all right, we're done here. So, I'm gonna step out and let you guys, I'll leave you guys alone. So, I get it at a store when someone goes to a different part of the store, but this is at the dentist's office. They are having a full on scene after the dentist is done doing his work, and they're just sitting there in the dentist chair, just hanging out in the office. - There's some drag queen out there late to her shift, because she couldn't get her damn bridge fixed before working with the Vanderpump's rules cast was shooting. - Yeah, I mean, like, like, who does that? Who just like hangs out in, you know, like, once you're done with the dentist, you're out of there. I'm sorry, you do not hang out and just chitchat. If you do, you're going downstairs, there's a coffee shop, but you're not gonna hang out in the dentist's office with the drills going off. - We know you're listening because you can't get enough drama. - But there are some things that should stay drama-free. - Like getting birth control, accessing gender-affirming care, getting tested for STIs. - Health care shouldn't be dramatic, but lawmakers insist on attacking our rights to get the care we need and deserve. - Your gift to Planned Parenthood helps all people, no matter their race, sexual orientation, gender identity, zip code, income, or immigration status, get affordable, high-quality care, without judgment, stigma, or drama. So don't wait. Make your gift now at PlannedParenthood.org/protect. - Audible's best of 2024 picks are here. - From memoirs and sci-fi to mysteries and thrillers, Audible's curated list in every category is the best way to hear 2024's best in audio entertainment. - Like a stunning new full cast production of George Orwell's 1984. - And personal efforts brilliantly subversive James. - Audible, there's more to imagine when you listen. - I actually am really excited to hear George Orwell's 1984 again, because last time I read that was back in, I don't know, middle school or something like that, and the world has changed so much with technology and everything like that. I feel like now is the perfect time to revisit and listen to it on Audible. - Especially when it's told by a full cast like that, like it's a full production. It's gonna be like a radio play, you know? - That's major. - Go to Audible.com/crapins and discover all the years best, waiting for you. That's Audible.com/crapins. - Believe me, I was there. - Oh, the dentist. He's like, "Okay, catch you on the flip side, my brass eyes." - Yeah. - So then they're like, I don't know, it's somehow this segue, I guess talking about Jax. James was talking about, I guess, how crazy Jax is, and he's just like, "Don't tell me what to do, "you're a bus boy, I hired you as a bus boy, "and I'll put you right back there, James Kennedy." And I love how his defense was to talk about how good his music was, and he was like, "We have been getting constant reviews on our music. "You can read the Yelp reviews for yourself. "They're waiting for a CD." I'm like, I don't think anyone's waiting for the official Sir Lounge CD. - I am. - Well, actually, the good news is that we do have an advanced track from the CD. - Yes! - That's why this show is the number one television for Shonda Rhimes Creation on ABC, play it pin. - Yeah, this is very exciting. This is actually from the upcoming Sir Lounge Volume One, music from the Sir Lounge Volume One. It's called Love Song to Lala, and actually, DJ James Kennedy made this song himself. And he also did, all the lyrics are directly from him. So, are you ready to hear the track? - Hell yes, you basic bitch. - All right. - Hello, love, you ready to get serious. The Yelp reviews are in. Here's your say day. Don't say we're chilling when you really have friends. We eat some ugly fucking, don't think I'll give a fuck about your boys when I do their line mates. Fuck, sorry, not sorry. Ugly as fuck, and have fun. Also heard how you were killing some ass one missing me after that's nothing to say. You're a stupid thing to say. You're a stupid thing to say. You're a stupid thing to say. - Chris Dan. - You're a stupid thing to say, you're a stupid thing to say. You're a stupid thing to say, you're a stupid thing to say. - Dance break. - I'll walk on the shaky head like a blow. Go fuck yourself, go. (laughing) You ever think about getting back together, though? - It's a great track. - Yes. - Standing ovation. - You're a stupid thing to say. - You're a stupid thing to say. - You're a stupid thing to say. - That was amazing. - Which is, by the way, my favorite insult that he said all season long. - You're a stupid thing to say. - You're a stupid thing to say. - You're a stupid thing. - And that was so good. You're gonna be a star. (laughing) - Did you hear the backing vocals on it? I've actually isolated the track on the backing vocals. (laughing) (laughing) - It's called, "You're a stupid thing to say." Because she never finishes the spelling of her songs. - Yeah. Ooh, there are three giant military helicopters outside. One of the common to pick up DJ James Kennedy and bring him to the White House, to put him to the president. - They're like, "You're a rot." They heard it. It's like the call of the military planes. - You're a stupid thing to say. - This is what we're gonna go after the Middle East with now. - You almost blast it. Blasted on the borders. They're like, "All right, DJ James Kennedy is here. "We have to surrender now." (laughing) I think you have to work on the levels. I can't tell 'cause before the vocals were too high and you couldn't hear the music and now they're a little too low. - But you need to work on being less fucking amazing. My panties are wet. - It's a catchy song though, right? - Yes. - I'm not going to pat myself in the back. ♪ You're a stupid thing to say ♪ ♪ You're a stupid thing to say ♪ And I want to say that all the lyrics were taken directly from James. - So good. - Directly from his text messages. - Oh my God, that wins. That wins the Super Bowl. - Congratulations, Panthers. - Thank you, actually, not all the lyrics. The parts where he speaks are not from that. - You stupid bitch. - You're a stupid bitch. (laughing) And that's the last thing that he mentions in here. He's like, "Well, Kristin." And Lisa's like, "Kristin, darling! "Why are you talking about Kristin?" He's like, "I love her." - I know, he loves her. He sure has a funny way to set and showing it. Like he left his DNA on her door. Is there any sweeter way to say I love you? - Yeah. - I love hoot boogers on your door. - Lawler is angry at me. - I would love to see DJ James Kennedy get into like a, what was that show that was on MTV? It was not Wild and Out. It was the thing with Wilmer Valderama where people would like do like, yo mama jokes. And I'd like to see him do it with Joey from Princess's Long Island (laughing) because remember what she said to Ashla? She's like, "Oh, you're funny." And she goes, "Funny looking" or something like that. Or Ashla was like-- - She became the biggest disc of all time. Ashla's like, "That girl called me funny looking dad. "She called me funny, who tell somebody "who has issues, medical issues?" She said I was funny looking. - Well, you're a funny thing to say, Ashla. (laughing) - Ashla, I refuse to have a party all by myself for couples. There's a couple's party all by themselves, usually. - So anyway, back at Sir, Katie walks up to James in Faith and lets them know that they are cordially uninvited or never were invited to her launch party. She's like, "I'm so sorry. "I just want you to know, "I'm not gonna be inviting you to my launch party." - So-- - Katie's evil, why would she do that? - I guess maybe she did go to Contillion this year after all. - She's terrible, that is so mean. Katie's the meanest one out of this whole cast. She acts like she's all nice now, but let's remember back, shall we? Horse face and horse face number two, back in the day. - We're hot, sorry, we're hot, but like that girl's a slut and she's not hot enough to be our friend. - Okay, that was you, bitch. So I don't want, you know, just having like, being able to carry 10 pounds of hair on your head doesn't make you a better person. - Yeah, yeah. So that was really, really obnoxious and it's also total bullshit. Like, you could invite two more people to your launch party, okay? So then, also, Lallar doesn't get the invite too, which is always hilarious. And so Lallar confronts Katie about this. And Katie's like, "I just don't want there to be stresses." Like, "Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah." And Lallar's like, "Oh, so, like, I'm like a stress babe. Is that what I am? I'm like, oh, no, no, no, no, just like by our codes." But this was great because this kicked off Lallar launching into a traumatic childhood memory where when she was younger, she was invited to a party that everyone got invited to, but she was only invited so that way when she showed up, she could be told she was uninvited and had to sit on the curb and wait for her mom to pick her up. It was so sad, but also hilarious because it was such a pain. It wasn't funny that I felt bad, but it was also like the context of how she related this, or relayed this childhood memory of like, "Well, this one time I was a child and I was uninvited from a party, I had to wait on the curb." It just was so like overly dramatic to stupid Katie's party, you know. - For Lallar, I love that every broken ho has a story like that. It's always one little thing that knocks them down. And then she's like, "Yeah, it actually feels better out here on the curb." And then she becomes a ho. It's like, "Oh my God, it's just that one moment that centered of the curb the first time." You know, it becomes a lifelong pattern. - But it's also like, Lallar, if you don't want to deal with petty bitches, like don't start working out, sir. I know you want to be on TV, but my goodness, you don't want to resurrect these awful curb memories. - Stories of a curb. - If these curbs could talk. (laughing) - These curbs. Well, at least this time she didn't have to sit on a curb after she was uninvited. - Yeah, she's like, "This is the same thing, except, I don't know, I have this freezer to sit on in the refrigerator room." - Yeah. - So speaking of sitting on the curb. - I have to say, I loved, this is so stupid. I don't even have any jokes about this, but I just love that every time they show Lallar, they show her going, "Okay, really? Okay, thanks for calling, sir. Bye." - She got it. I'm like, "Okay, we believe you work it, sir." She's always making some fake call, and then it cuts to she's in a rolling up so far. - Yeah. - She's like, "Hey, hey boo, what are you doing?" He's like, "Oh, I stole my rack, roll out." - I don't know why that made me laugh so hard, but I was like, "Fuck yes, this show still makes him roll solver, I love it." - Always. So then speaking of being out on the curb, so Jax and what's her face, Brittany are sitting on a curb on the stoop of his apartment, and talking about his rest and everything, and Jax says that he's hoping that the rest is just gonna be a slap on the frist, and I'm so petty to make fun of him. I mess up so many words on this podcast. I mean, heck, last week, I forgot that Charlotte was in North Carolina and South Carolina, and yet when Jax says frist instead of wrists, I'm like, "Oh, look what I'm saying, frist." - That shit is just so funny to me. Oh, I just like everything that Jax says. He's so ridiculous. - He goes, "Yeah, you know, I'm broke." And she goes, "Yeah, but I'm making money 'cause I'm working honey." - Like, she's all proud of taking care of some pathetic 40-year-old. - Yeah. - And he goes, "Thank God for hooters." - I'm like, "Yeah, not the first time you said that." - Yeah. - In many different contexts. - Yeah, it's like how he wakes up every day. - And then he just farts. He just full-on just farts. - He doesn't be on say squat fart. - Yeah. - And when he's like, "Oh, Jax, stop!" - I told my mom, "I told my mom about it." And he said, "What'd your mom say?" And she's like, "Well, that being drunk isn't an excuse." - Well, duh, thanks guys. Good thing for coming in, Jax. - We're so different 'cause she comes from like a, like farm family and like, there's no drinking or like cursing, but you can't fuck sheep. So it's not like a totally different world. - So now we, Kristen goes on a date and we have crossover, bravo crossover alert. - So tell me what this guy was like on the below dick. - He was like a douche. He was sort of cocky. First of all, we're gonna give Alex some props because he got his hair under control. He's got these big, bushy eyebrows. She's still there to some degree, but his hair was sort of like big and thick and they look terrible. So he kind of like, he finally got a good haircut, got like groomed. He looks much better, good for you, Alex. - Okay, it's interesting that you brought up the eyebrows because I was so confused by his eyebrows. And is that just because they're giant? He's trying to shape them and it's difficult. - I think so. He's, you know, he's Greek. And so he has that big, hairy, Greek thing going on. So he's just, he's just, you know, he's trying to keep everything in control, like keep it everything contained. - Yeah. - So, so I don't remember him very well, but I remember he was kind of like a douche. He was, for most of the season, he seemed pretty responsible, but then he became kind of an asshole. Like that first season, there were a lot of spoiled brats. Like everyone was like, oh, captainly, like let us off the whole. So I don't really remember him too well. But when Kristin was like, Alex has his shit together. I was like, well, if he has his shit together, then why didn't captainly invite him back, huh? - He's got his shit together. He's on a boat. - He has a one way ticket to Kristinville. - He's a real man, okay? Like, he's not just like some fake guy. He's like a real guy. We're like eating real food in real planes. When the real guy, he's like real, okay? He's not like some pussy guy, like he's real, as real. - Yes, girl, we get it. And then she does that head, that thing where she slams her, head to her shoulder. - Yeah, she goes. - You know what else does that, by the way? - Who? - Beyonce. - Don't you dare compare Kristin to Beyonce. I'm not even in the beehive, okay? But I refuse to let you bring Beyonce down to Kristin. - Well, she does it though. In that choreography, she does this thing where she touches her knee to her elbow, like old 80s workout. You know where you're going, like, like touching it. And then she slams her head over to the side and hits it with her shoulder. - True. - Haven't you noticed that? (laughing) - She loves Bravo this one. Her whole life is basically a Bravo show. Ooh, that sounds so good, your big eye strength. What is that, a Venti? - It's a Venti, yeah, but I'm working my way through it, which is why I'm a little hyper. - I love how I can hear the size of it from the high straddles. There we go, more tingly. - Do you ever think of Beyonce? Do you think she might listen to our podcast? - No, hell no, she doesn't have time. - She should. She knew it was right for her. Beyonce, hi. - That one should. - Everyone say hi to Beyonce. She's listening right now. - Hi Beyonce, hi baby. - Hi Beyonce. - Love her knee dance to me with the squat farting wave. - Oh, oh, you know, we forgot. Every episode I keep forgetting. Pause for a moment to say we need Jennifer Lawrence to come on the podcast. So if anyone knows Jennifer Lawrence, can you ask her to come on the podcast? Thanks. - What are we gonna tell Jennifer Lawrence? - What are we gonna tell her? We're just gonna like chat with her and talk about Bravo and she can just like pile on. - Okay. - We can ask her about pump teens. I don't care. We want Jennifer Lawrence to come on here. - I'm afraid. - There's nothing to be afraid of. - She's so like... - Famous and pretty. - Oscar nomination, I'm like... - There's nothing... - I'm like literally sitting here sewing something, okay. - Don't be afraid of J-law, okay. J-law, if you're out there, if you happen to be listening, we want you to come on, okay. And we're gonna have... - Okay. - And then a remote walks in. I'm sorry. - I'm sorry. - J-law, what was wrong with the regular law? Listen, how can a lawyer even be a lawyer if you keep changing the letters in the law? - I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but like Jennifer Lawrence, I'm sorry, she's too young, okay. I'm sorry, she's too young, all right. How about you get someone like Jennifer Tilly instead, okay? (laughing) Okay. - That would be amazing. That's actually my dream guest right there, Jennifer Tilly. She's welcome also, by the way. Jennifer Tilly, door is totally open to you. - Jennifer Tilly, what do you think of Vanderpump Rules? - I don't know, I don't like rules very much. - That is... - John, I'm sure. - Whoa, whoa, Ronnie, that is insane. That is such an amazing Jennifer Tilly impersonation. That is absolutely insane. - That's pretty good, right? - That was perfect. - That's where all the other voices come from. That's one of my five. - Jennifer Tilly, the secret Jennifer Tilly seed that fuels. - I just wanted to order some snails, I don't know why they brought all the pieces out. - Portia and Carol Radzewell, that's Portia and Carol Radzewell. Who knew they were on the same spectrum? (laughing) They're on the Jennifer Tilly spectrum, I never knew it. - She's one of my favorites ever. Bullet Super Broadway, that was one of the funniest performances of all time. Unfortunately, I don't think she had another one ever like it, but it was her heart. - I think she was just herself the whole time, I love you. - Well, no, she was in Liar Liar, she was a good cut fitness in Liar Liar, and she was, which was also by the way, a vehicle for Suzy Kurtz. I mean, how many movies have Suzy Kurtz and Jennifer Tilly and them? - I don't know, but they're both in on Watch What Crap and it's now a lot. - Thank you. But anyway, yes, so Jennifer Tilly, you're welcome to, but Jennifer Lawrence, you're super welcome. You know, it'd be great. - That's a nice invite, you're welcome to. - Listen, we want every Oscar nominee, every Oscar nominee who likes Bravo to come on. 'Cause listen, Jennifer Tilly, Bullet Super Broadway, it's just, it's amazing. I actually once watched it and the DVD and I paused it for only five minutes and I have an etching of Bullet Super Broadway to this day, but it's still subtly burnt into my TV. - Oh, that's awesome. - Which is normally would be terrible, but it's actually like a great thing. - Yeah, that's a legit great movie. I downloaded it. I still have it. It's sitting right on my hard drive. I can't wait to watch that one day. - Time, time, time. - I'm still trying to get the musical out of my goddamn head, though. Oh, fuck that thing. - Was it bad? - Okay. - Okay, so anyway, so Kristen's on a script of it and then pasted on all these songs from the 30s. - That's fun. - And then ignored half the script and then had it played by like musical theater people. No, no, that's not good. - Okay. Well, anyway, so Kristen is on this date and she's talking about how she loves Alex because he's like a real man. And she's like, "It's like I'm living a romcom." I'm like, "Yeah, you are living a romcom. "You are like the evil one that the guy always leaves "and goes running through a train station "after scald your hands and that's what you are." (laughing) It's like, "Oh wait, there's Amy Adams by Kristen." - Yeah, I can finally like be with somebody 'cause I respect myself now. Whoa. - And Alex, he's like, he's like, he ever the charmer is like, "I wouldn't have took a new one a date if I didn't like you." - Oh my God, Bandir Pump rules me. - He deserves a slap on the frist. - That shit was amazing. - And she's like, "That's so romantic. "No one's ever said that to me before." - Because no one could ever form those words. - Like in that sentence structure. - Yeah. - Haven't took it. - And nothing says self-respect by needing to be wasted every second in your life. She's like, "Okay, here's your choice, "person from a TV show. "Would you rather me get sober for five minutes "or get sober or it's like her big choice? "Or get sober after 30 minutes and then get fucked up more." - And he's like, "Well, how about let's get fucked up more?" And she's like, "Oh, he's a man after my own heart." Yeah. Seriously, seriously. - So then back at Sir Katie tells Lisa about the Puckran party. And she's like, "Oh, will you come?" And she's like, "Oh, I don't know." And you know, in Lisa's head, she's like, "I'm never gonna go. "That's competition for the divide addiction blog." - Totally. - Just pandy, now you're doing this, darling. She's still working on that corn on the cob Christmas thing we got put up after her. Have you ever heard of a hole through a corn darling? Corn hole. Katie, Katie, I like how Lisa responds to all these people. She goes, "Well, he's paying for that." - Yeah, 'cause that's basically Katie was saying. - Yeah, can I do this to you? Well, poor Katie, she's like the one who's always kissed Lisa's ass and done everything she's supposed to. And then it comes her time for a party. And Lisa's like, "All right, maybe I'll stop by for five minutes. "Where's the party rental? "Where's the free catering?" Come on. - I know, poor Katie. - She wouldn't even loan her a decent wig for that. - Yeah, so yeah, Lisa gives her an employee discount on the goat cheese balls. So there's, you know, that's good. So then meanwhile, elsewhere in the restaurant, Laular confronts James about his gross text. And he, and she's like, "Why the fuck?" Like I thought we had an understanding. You know, like, you know, you can hang out with her. You wanna hang out with an icon, hang out with whoever, hang out, we don't talk about it. Like you're not supposed to get jealous. And he's like, "Yeah, well, what's not okay "is you tossing someone else's salad?" I'm like, "Jesus, this guy." I was like, "Your fucking fake is fuck, "and you should fucking learn your lesson, babe." - I like when she goes. So it's not okay for you to toss someone's salad. She goes, "Okay, I don't even know where that came from. "I think it's Faith, Faith told me. "Faith, Faith told me, Faith told me, Faith told me. "Faith, Faith, Faith, Faith, Faith. "I'm like, "That's your friend. "Why are you screwing everybody over at all times?" - Faith is getting like poor Faith. She's getting not bashed, but like talking about how Max is over her and how Faith is telling secrets. Poor Faith, and she's just like smiling in the corner, like, "Oh, good, yeah, everything's happy." And like, "No, Faith, they're talking about you." - Well, at least she got a couch out of it. - Yeah, exactly. - I always say, I like when people say this, when they're like, "You only call me when you're lonely. "You only call me when you're bold. "Well, why the hell else would I call you?" Am I supposed to call you when I'm busy? I'm like, "Hey, super busy. "You thought it'd be a great time to call." - Yeah, exactly. Exactly, that's-- - Well, I hate when people say that. - It's like when people say, "You're only apologizing so that way you don't look bad." I'm like, "Yeah, that's actually a good reason "to apologize 'cause you don't want to look bad. "You want people to think something nice of you, "so you're apologizing, that's what you do." - Well, I'm glad you're understanding the basic concept. You idiot, sorry. - So then when he says, "You're fucking fake, it's fucking, "you should fucking learn your lesson, babe." Well, I don't even know what lesson she has to learn. That's when she says, "That's a stupid thing to say." And he goes, "You're not a stupid thing to say." - And then Ramona walks in. (laughs) - Whoa, okay, this, you know what takes this, whoa, this is really taking me back to when I was a child, okay? I was walking through the forest, okay? And I was like, "Whoa, these trees are so tall." And then Geraldine Parks and Smith came in and said, "That's a stupid thing to say." And I said, "You're a stupid thing to say." And then my father said, "If a tree falls in a forest and no one can hear it, "does this have something stupid to say also?" And I said, "I don't know, you're the adult here." And then I got thrown out of the forest and we went home and I never knew the answers to the question, okay? - I still can't look at forests, okay? - I still can't look at them without thinking about my dad's question and crying about what Geraldine Parks and Smith said about me, okay? - Listen, la la, okay? You shouldn't take any disrespect from a man, okay? 'Cause you're a woman and you're a made woman and you're renewed, okay? So whenever a man talks like that, you say, get out of my house and I'm gonna bring home the rest of my dinner that I don't finish just in case you come home lady, you have something to eat, okay? That's called being a strong woman, okay? - My mother always said you always wanna toss your own salad because you don't wanna depend on a man to toss a salad for you, okay? - Ramona tossing a salad is the best thing I've ever heard of my life, okay? - Okay, so anyway, now it's time for the pucker and pout party, pucker and pout. - It's like Katie's entire personality. - Yeah, so they're getting ready and they're getting ready for the pucker and pout and Kristen, by the way, this drilling outside has drive me nuts. I'm sorry to everyone who has to hear it. There's nothing I can do. It's so loud, it's coming through the windows. But, so we learned that Jim-- - Stay strong, MJ, stay strong, the jaws of life. (laughs) - You have five more minutes to finish off that Triskets box, darling. (laughs) - Even the jaws of life are like, "Damn." (laughs) I'm not even sure about this one. So apparently James' drunk text to Kristen was, "How do you not still love me, you basic bitch?" - Oh my God, James needs to stop long pressing the home button, okay? 'Cause that's when Siri pops up. It's like, "Bloop, bloop, what do you want me to do?" It's like, "Text the basic bitch." Like, "All right, what should I say?" 'Cause you know he's got it on like bad angles to accent Lady. (laughs) And then he just goes on does these monologues and that bitch will just send them. She doesn't check 'em. She just sends like five-- That's why they're all five paragraphs and they make no sense. - I know, and which is actually kind of reminiscent of Stassi's season one with her crazy text messages. But, you know, he, like, James, you know, it's weird because he's basically her. He still is crushing, he likes both of these girls and they're rejecting him. And so he lashes out and he just wants to be loved. But it's like, well, you know, here's a way to not make people come back to you is like calling them fat, spreading gossip about them and talking shit and then being like, "But why don't you love me?" Sorry, James, that's not the way humans work. - Oh, James, darling. - Not everyone likes satin a man to ask. - I do, I personally like it. And it's funny 'cause it's like not working 'cause on a lot of reality shows, like, I can't tell you how many reality shows I've seen where there's been some asshole dude who has been codependent and makes and says things like that to girls, like, "I just want you to love me." And that's just my way of expressing it. And they're like, "Oh my God, I feel bad now." And then they, it's like, remember, Danny and Melinda on "Real World Austin?" It was like that the whole season. But it's, but James is trying to do that shit. And it's just not working. Like, no one is being codependent with him. - Well, I like that the girls are calling him out a little bit and like, she's just saying, "That's success." I'm like, "You put someone's husband for years, so please stop at this." - Yeah, I don't know, though. - They're right, he does mean, obviously, they're right. But it's not only, to me, it doesn't bother me as much 'cause it's not sexism, he talks to everyone like, like, he's equally awful to everyone. I have to get him ready for that. - Yeah, it's just when he does not like, when he feels rejected, his response is to lash out by saying something nasty, but like very prayer-ile. So it's just, you know, it's like people just roll their eyes and he's got to learn how to harness his energy a little bit better. - And then, of course, his biggest criticism. - Well, have fun with your ugly boyfriend then, ugly. Have fun with your ugliness. - Yeah, a stupid thing to say. So then, Chris Stasi is having this moment of like, I can't believe I haven't been invited to the pouting and pampering party. And then it's just like, you know, Chris and I, like, we started that together. Like, we were gonna start together. And I was like, no, you do it by yourself. But I remember when I was helping her and they do a flashback to three years ago. And I was like, oh, I miss Stasi and Sheena's old faces. It was Sheena modeling, right? I couldn't tell, I actually, it's so fucked up. I was like, is that Sheena or is that someone else? - I can't imagine that she would have put Sheena in it, but I love when she was saying in that clip, she's like, I have a blog. So put on a necklace. - I'm like, what? Who's the structure of the sentence like that? Like, okay, that lighting needs to move over. I have a blog, move the lighting. - I know. - Okay, just say what you need, lady. I don't need your pretend resume. - I think for, we have to remember for this year's crappies to have a category for best blog. 'Cause we have Kristin Taekmans. And we have Juliette from Laser London. We have Katie from Potomac. And now we have Katie from Vanderpump Rules. We have a blog, I have a blog. I'm so excited about my blog. - Who won it this year? We had that category. Remember, because-- - That's a blog? - Oh no, we had Best Business. And I think the blog from Blood, Sweat, and Hills was on there back. - Oh yeah, that's right. - You burping up a venti, that was a venti book. - That was, I've been burping up the entire time, but it's also, I think it's also partially inspired by the fact that you made me think about Geneva from Blood, Sweat, and Hills. I'm like, Geneva, pop, whatever. So anyway-- - No matter how much you've eaten, you always burp up wings when I mention shame. (laughing) - I have visions of angry taxi drivers. So now we cut to James and Max, and they were sitting where we sat, Ronnie, when we went to serve. They were sitting at that little table where we sat with the girls-- - We were only on the ground. - Yeah, we sat with Julia from the EW show on Sirius, and also from Amy, Amy Phillips, we love, and those two lovely women. - We should do that again, actually. - We should, we absolutely should, because we had such a fun night that night. What's the name of their podcast? Again, I'm blanking on the name of their podcast. - Real Housewives Kiki? - Of course, yes, I wish you listened to them, 'cause they is funny. - Especially on the day you're talking about song parodies, 'cause that's what they do. They do like a lot of Housewives songs and stuff. They're funny. - So James and Max were sitting there, and they decided they're gonna crash Katie's party, as if this is like, again, some '80s teen movie where it's like, oh my God, it's the biggest party of the year. We're gonna crash it. I'm like, those could be 30 people upstairs at the Fredericks for Kai's salon. - Yeah, it's like the Gaysian walking around a fucking empty salon with, like, berets, okay? - So we go to the party, and Tom Sandoval's getting a brow treatment, which is really hilarious, 'cause the woman takes that one hair, and he looks in the mirror urgently, like, oh my God, did she fuck out my brows, Kristin? - It doesn't make you gay, just to like, get your eyes dead, okay? - Just come, take it care of yourself, Kristin. - And then he shades Jax's eyebrows. I don't wanna look like a fashion, Jazzy Shaw, Kristin. It's not summer yet. It's not time for Planet of the Ants, Kristin. - So one of my favorite parts about this party montage is, like, Katie on her step and repeat being interviewed. But it was like, she's being interviewed by another blog on an iPhone, and I was like, wow, really getting, really got the media here. (laughs) I like her hand talking on the red carpet. She's like, wow, like her hands start doing this. She's like making circles with her hands. Like, she's giving something to some invisible person, you know? Like, the stowing something upon them. Yeah, that girl's got a hand actions for a blog. - Yeah, you know what was funny to me, this, the little step and repeat, it reminded me of the time, do you remember Ronnie one time we went to Cabo Cantina on the Sunset Strip, and you had driven, and you gave us a ride home, and you had parked in front of, I believe the Chocadero across the street, and we went to your car, and someone had set up a step and repeat right in front of your car, and there was like three or four people on this like faux red carpet, where there was like one camera man, and they were like posing, and we had to be like, excuse me, and we were like getting into your car, opening the car door into the step and repeat. - Yes. - That's what this was. - I do remember that. - I'm like, where is the Fiat, you know? - Oh my God, and then there were all those, in this one, there's all those brands. - Yeah. - Like what are these? It's like Ziploc. - It wasn't even, it was not even a national brand. - So a breeze. Oh yeah, that's true. - It was like some, it was not even as high as black water. It was just like, I don't know, it was like you kick starters for bubblegums, you know? - Yeah, it's like a buy one get one free from Domino's or something. - Although still better than any step and repeat that we've ever done, 'cause we've never done one, so. - Why should we darling? No one needs to see me walk on a carpet. - Yes, yes we do. - So then- - You two, you'll do one day. I'll be behind the ropes going, (screaming) - And I'll be like- - You know back, mm-hmm. - You're gonna be Elizabeth Shoe in the beginning of soap dish. - Yeah, totally. - So last, so last. - Yep, and then I'll be giving me like, like, do I know you? But then it turns out we were brothers, but you already forgot. - 'Cause you're so famous. - And I'll be like, I'm sorry, I'm talking with Lisa Gibbons at the moment. - Oh God, who isn't? - So I mean, if that's a step and repeat, just I don't ever need to be there. I don't need to talk to that moron. I don't need to talk to some Billy Bush, moronic fucking guy. The laundry, doing my laundry ruined me, by the way. I saw so much terrible TV yesterday. I'm gonna stop talking right now so we can continue this recap. - Yeah, I need to get back into some cardio before I do any step and repeats, because I had a photo on Sunday that I, you know, one of those photos where you're like, uh oh, that's bad, all bad angles. Gotta get back, gotta get serious about the gym. - Gotta get serious. - You know that you're in a good relationship when you start looking at pictures and you're like, wait, why am I happy and fat? - What is happening? - It's cold love, Ben, darling. - So anyway-- - I was in use so I can't call you fat, by the way. I'm not calling you fat. - Oh, well, we saw each other last week. When we had bagels. - We weren't bad then. - Oh, thank you. Well, then I just had bad angles. This picture, it really did, it did something to me. You know what it is, you know it's like, you know when you catch yourself in a reflection of a car and you're like, you know, it distorts you, but like, even though you know it's distorted and you're all strange and pear-shaped in the car thing, you're still like, oh no. - Yeah, you know the old thing, never judge yourself in a car reflection. - Yeah, and yet I do every time. So speaking of horrific sights, Lisa comes up the stairs to the party and the first thing she sees is Kristen's ass. (laughing) - Seriously? Seriously? God, that's so funny. - And I love Ken. - We have to be here, darling. Oh, what the hell am I gonna be here, darling? - No, it's like five minutes, Max. - Flesh-roombing his ass up the stairs. She's like, don't worry darling, it's only 10 minutes. - And then meanwhile, she's there eight hours. - Yeah, she's there forever. It's like, darling, I know that you don't understand this, but it's not easy to hold a bold dog for 30 minutes, all right? - Yeah, and then James and Max arrive and it's like, oh my God, they've come without even like, you know, without, even though they're not allowed, even though James is fast enough. - So this huge event, huge event, and she does match. She's like, I can't believe it's one thing to crash a birthday party. It's another crash, a launch party. I'm like, oh please, it's a launch party for a blog. I think anyone can crash that thing. We're celebrating two completely useless things here, lady. - I know, it's a blog, it's a blog. - That's probably like Katie's mom's birth announcements. We're in that tone. They were like, had a baby. - And his hair is oddly orange. So, she knows Matt. James is clearly on Coke, by the way, when he shows up. He is fidgety, he is talking quickly. He is, he's like, yeah, I crashed it. Yeah, that's it. I crashed it, oh no, that's it. I want to talk to Chris. I want Chris. And he walks right up to Chris with Alex. They're sort of smooching. He walks up and he says, hey, I know you probably hate me, but you know, I just want, I need to talk to Chris. So, you know, I know you hate me, I don't really care, but it's fine, you know, we're both men. So, I'm shaking, I'm shaking your hand because I'm a man. So, like, James, that does not count as being a gentleman. That's not, just because you say, I know, just because you say, I'm a man, so I'm going to shake your hand so that way you see that I'm a man. That's actually does not make you a man or a gentleman or anything close to that. 'Cause it's been asshole. - I'm a man, all right. There, I shook your hand. You happy? I shook your hand. You enjoying? - Alex is like, what? - You enjoy treating the love of my life like a whore. All right, whore, I want to talk to you, all right. Well, I'm being polite. Look, look, I'm here being polite, whore. Gonna be basically a bitch. - Well, I'm a man. I've extended my hand. I'm a man, like a bloke. (laughing) - Why are you so stent? Dolefish with me, Kristen. Okay, I have to say this, too. Kristen is just as bad as him. She is still terrible. The second she sees him come in, or like here's in her little earbud or whatever that he's there, she's like, oh my God. And then she starts like, something on Alex and like trying to make him look so hard. And he wouldn't give her an open mouth because God bless him. He just got his face sounded down. I think he's so shiny. But he wouldn't give her an open mouth, but she was like trying to force it open with her mouth. And he's like, no, no. And then she's like, like she'll jerk away. Oh my God, so good. So ridiculous. They're both doing a sofa for each other that no one else has watched. I mean, we are, but you know. - But you got a hand to Kristen because you know, she's learned how to handle James because if it was last season, she'd be screaming right back at him. So they go downstairs, they're talking. And he's basically like, why don't you love me? Why don't you love me? I hate you. Why don't you love me? You're such a whore. Why don't you love me? You're such a basic bitch, why don't you love me? And then she's like, only a complete prostitution who would not love me, you basic bitch. And she's like, suck a dick, bro. So, and then she's like, and then he's like, what I love is, he's like, I hope you're happy. And she's like, I am happy. I'm really happier than I've ever been. And he's like, yeah, I'm not happy. That's what people say when they're not happy. I'm so happy, I'm so happy. You ain't happy, baby. I'm like, well, I don't think she's happy either, but I don't think she's really as unhappy as she was. I know, well, I do have to say that that is true, and I totally agree with him on that point, because I've said it a million times. Like, it's like a yoga class. And everyone's like, I'm so peaceful. No, you're not. You have to come to yoga in an hour a day, 'cause you're gonna murder somebody if you don't. I think we all know it. I think if someone asks you, like, so how are you doing? How is it? And I'd be like, no, I'm just like really happy. I believe when you go out of your way to tell someone you're happy, then I don't believe it. - Yeah. - But if you say to someone, I hope you're happy, and they said, well, I am happy. No, you're not happy. I was like, well, you just kind of... - Walk right into that one, didn't you, buddy? (laughing) - I can't believe you say you're happy. Well, you just hope that'd be happy. Well, it was sarcastic. You basic bitch. - I am happy. I'm really happy. Like, I've never been this happy. I'm so happy right now. Okay, should I get drunk in five minutes, or like, in 20? Yeah, it's your choice. Seriously, seriously. I'm gonna change my expression to happily, happily. - So, then James goes, so then at, you know, Chris, you know, they're talking nonsense to each other. And James goes, "Shut up, shut up! "I'm a fucking man. "I walked up to your ugly man. "Shook his hand like a bloke." (laughing) Just because you physically shook his hand does not mean you're a man, okay? Like, I didn't even realize what was going on. He was like, who is this rental car inflatable thing flapping around in front of me, and why is it shaking in my hand? Why is the Jiffy Lou blow-up clown yelling at me? Why is that gonna make me want to take my car to the Jiffy Lou, by the way? Why exactly? - The hell is that? That poor person can't even stand. No, it's just to make you see. - Oh, we'll take care of your car, really. - It's where you can see the Jiffy Lou. Which is what James is doing. Look at me! Rent a car. Davily, davily, an oil change. (laughing) Basic, bitch. - How do you basic valves? Why don't you get lubricated, why don't you? - How do you break it up and let it 92, bitch? It's like the cheapest gas in the whole place. - I bet you think you have a lot of horsepower, don't you? But why don't you come to Vavily and get your valves oiled up? Why don't you do that? You basic engine, bitch. (laughing) - Okay, so what else happened? So the big scene was Tom in Stossey, right? - Yeah, I mean, I'm not looking, I'm looking at this. - Yeah, I'll go this quickly, but basically Stossey texts Tom. While Tom is bartending, I mean, there's some stuff that happens at the party, it's kind of like whatever. So it's like, oh, like Stossey wants to meet with Tom. It's like, she, she meets with Stossey or not. He's just trying to, you know, she's just trying to get with me to get to you, to Katie, da da da da. So he decides, I'm gonna meet with Stossey. 'Cause I'm curious and have things to say, bop, bop, bop, bop. And the producers told me to meet with her, so. - Yeah. - Now, Tom and Stossey meet Downtown, which makes no sense, but fine, they meet Downtown. And they sit down and Stossey's like, this is so fucking awkward. Like, who does that? Who makes an awkward moment? - Well, he sat down and just looked at her. - Yeah. - He's like, mm-hmm. And that is so unlike Tom, too. I don't know what got into him. - Yeah, he was like very direct. - So, yeah, it was so great. You've always been kind of like a smug bitch who was so nasty manipulative that everyone hated, but you were sort of endearing about it, so everyone let it slide, but then you kind of stopped being endearing about it. So then, I feel like what was left was a smug, bitchy shell of your former self. And she's like-- - He was terrible. - And she's-- - And she's-- - And she's already asked bitch venomous. - And then her alligator tears, like-- - Smug, bitchy shell of your former self, ruthlessly dismissive, disgusting. I was like, damn. - And then you're gonna be starting crying. - God, you don't really have to-- - She does that every single time. Every single season, someone tells her off and she starts to cry and he was basically like, nope, not having it, so she stopped crying. She's like, why does everyone else get forgiven? Although she kind of has a point. - I mean-- - Well, they all get forgiven because they stay. I mean, when you're in a relationship with somebody and you work through the issues, of course you work through the issues and you get over shit, she didn't. She cut everybody out, acted better. Trash talk to everybody behind their back. Now she's broken, needs a TV show and so she's being nice again and they see through her bullshit. And they're like, no bitch, this is season four. We're dedicated enough to actually stay here and you're not, bye, go have fun at looking through Craigslist. - So Stasi goes through her Rolodex of phrases that she knows Tom will respond to. She's like, I guess I didn't appreciate history. And so I realize that now. And Tom's like, whoa, that's really cool of you. - Okay, you can have an engagement party. - Yeah, he's like, okay, I love history. Really, because Abraham Lincoln's like my favorite and I'm like, so glad he's on a penny. And then he's like, awesome, come to my wedding party. - What the hell, how is it? - I love Chef Penny. (laughing) Best coach is boss. - That was pretty crazy. But yeah, he invites her and I'm like, dude, you're not, first of all, you haven't even planned that shit. Second, you're not allowed to be inviting people to an engagement party. When your wife hates them, are you stupid? And then I was like, yeah, he is, of course. I'm like answering myself and putting it on OJ. - Who does that? - Literally, you had to ask, who does that? - I'm asking myself questions and answering them. - I know. - Are you gonna eat that chicken? - I'm gonna eat that chicken. You're gonna eat that chicken? - Did I tell you about that? - OJ thing, some reporter went in to visit OJ and he's like so crazy that he's arguing with himself. And the quote was, are you gonna eat that chicken? No, I'm gonna eat that chicken. No, I'm gonna eat that chicken. I'm eating that chicken. No, you don't. I was like, oh, OJ, if only there were cameras in there. Okay, sorry. - Well, we can at least end this banner pump rules recap by reminding everyone that you are a stupid thing to say. Darling, if you're going to have your salad tossed, it'll be a dollar extra. Thank you for coming to pump. - Thank you, thank you for coming to pump. Okay, speaking of food, let's move on to Top Chef. - Top Piff. - Top Piff. - The Top Piffer. - That's gonna be my reality show. The Top Piffer. The big girl who can walk with the most confidence. Top Piffer. - Top Piffer, Top Piffer. - Top Piffer. - So I did not find out that we weren't gonna be watching Potomac in Atlanta until I had watched half of Top Chef, so my notes get way heavier. - That's okay, you don't, the notes have to-- - In the end. - That's fine, the notes don't have to be that strong. Top Chef, we usually just shoot off the cuff with Top Chef. - This was so fun for me. Marjorie is killing me with her dead pan. - Yes. - I love her. - And her bitch is coming out too. - Oh yeah, totally. But she still does it in that semi-calm, nice way, and I'm not hating her yet, and I can't believe it, 'cause I said in the beginning, that girl's gonna be a horrible bitch. And she's been lovely so far, what the hell? - Yeah, she's funny, even with Isaac, that's his name, Isaac, right, the New Orleans Chef, she was really bitchy to him, and I was just like cackling. Normally I'd be like, "Oh, that bitch, that bitch." - Is there something they're not showing of him, because they-- - That's a wonder. - Am so much. - Out of nowhere. - There's gotta be more going on. - Yeah, out of nowhere, everything, he was doing great, doing great, doing great, and now they're like, "You know, he's just not refined enough." So, you know, I'm just worried about him, because he just wants to make hamburgers and hot dogs. - Yeah, and now they're like totally mean to the poor guy, and I like when he called his wife, and his wife's like, "If you come back with some douchey LA accent, we're done." (laughing) - I was like, "I like her." So, this week was part one of restaurant wars, which is always a super fun halfway mark on the Top Chef season. - And it's a two-part-- - Two-parter, because it's two services, they're doing lunch and dinner. - Patma has to say lunch every two seconds. She's like, "If I were at lunch, I would eat this every day. "What a lovely thing to have for lunch. "I love this lunch. "Oh, lunch, this lunch would be delicious for lunch." I'm like, "Okay, Pat, no, we get it, okay, you're a lunch." - You like a salad for lunch, do you understand? - Any piece of vegetable with nothing on it. She'd be like, "Wow, an asparagus stalk. "What a lovely thing for lunch. "I would order this every day." I'm like, "Patma, you are trying too hard. "No one's gonna believe that you eat lunch, "so just stop it." - Stop it. We know there's no lunch. You know, you don't even have a think-thin bar, at least, at least admit that. - It's an Adderall and a Venti green tea, and then a finger down the throat. I mean, come on. And I respect that. You've maintained very well, my friend. - Still love her. - Still love her. - An eating disorder is like, when I see people with successful eating disorders, and I don't think she looks eating disorder. I'm just saying, like, models in general who don't eat that much. I mean, I respect that. You know, that's tough work. So like, follow through with an eating disorder. You go, girl. - Yeah, yeah, you go, girl. - So I can't really jump in too much until we get to Marjorie wanting to kill herself. - Well, I mean, so basically, if we remember, so they're gonna do, so they get split into teams. They do a little song for restaurant wars, which is cute. And then it's a restaurant wars, and they've got you two services. And not only that, everyone has to be either front of the house or executive chef. So no one can hide, which is cool. I like that because I always feel like whoever's front of the house kind of gets screwed every season a little bit, and also the executive chef also kind of gets screwed. And everyone who's neither of those roles is usually totally fine. So I like that they are doing that concept. - Yeah. So they split up, and on Marjorie's team, it's Marjorie, and is it Karen? Is that her name, Karen? - Pink hair. Yeah, I think it's Karen, the pink hair like me. - And that guy, the skinny guy, who like never makes it. - I'm the guy who made a milkshake. I will never forget that, okay? A guy who made a goddamn milkshake for Chrissy Teigen. - He always makes like stuff that's average, but he seems to skate by every week. He's never like in the bottom, but he always does stuff that's like, hmm. - So my wife puts him, what did he make? - He made poutine once, he has a story about who went to Nicaragua. But the funny thing is they're all like, well, we're concerned because Isaac isn't as refined, and Isaac's like, how about hot dogs? How about grits? How about french fries? He's at one point, he's just like, oh, you know what I think would be good would be if we do something, what would take some ground meat, and then Marjorie's like, yes, anyway, so. - She just cuts him off, and he's like, hmm, okay. - That poor guy, I felt really bad for him, but I liked all the people that he, well, I liked the girls that he was with. - Yeah, me too. - So is that team, and then it was the deuce bag team, Phillip. - Deuce bag. - Well, they're not all deuce bags, but Phillip is on it, so Mamba and the hot bear. Oh my god, so this is what I wanted to see from hot bear. Oh, and Kwame, and then whoever else, I don't care. But the hot bear guy. - Who was the other person? - This is so cute, and he is so even tempered and nice, and I've not bought it. I'm like, when is this guy gonna be a dog? And when is he gonna come out? 'Cause that is not a chef right there. You know a chef when you see, and then he did it this week. He's like, no, damn it, I don't want that. I said, get this on the line and get that out of here. And he's professional, he wasn't a double dick, but I love to see like a super confident, semi-arrogant, cross-rolling man leading the kitchen, it's hot. - Yeah, exactly, and wasn't he one of the people who made fun of, I forget who it was for making the same thing over and over again, when all he does is put out the krudo, and he's finally getting like, you know, made fun of for it. But like, Krudo is the first thing that he made when we went to the thing, and he's made it like every challenge was a krudo, it's a krudo, a krudo, like enough, enough with a krudo. - Yeah. - But Amara's-- - That's the same line for years though. - Amara's the other guy on their team, by the way. He's the other one. But Kwame, you know, I've loved Kwame since the beginning, but ever since the challenge where they had to do something for like where they were 10 years ago, he has been really dower. He's just like, nuh, nuh. - He's always really dower. I think we were like putting stuff into his personality that we wanted, 'cause he's like so cute, and he seemed so nice. - It seemed like he was always like nervous, and like, I always thought he seemed nervous, and like, he was so focused, and on whatever, that was just like, oh Kwame, sweet Kwame, he's trying so hard, but now it's just like, oh no, I think he might just be dower and bitter, and just droopy. - He's just an arrogant, depressed person. (laughs) Yeah, I mean, once you make jerk broccoli, there's no turning back. - And did you notice his dish this week? Looked like that, it was yellow with green on top. I was like, look dude, let your daddy issues go. - Please, let Padma eat lunch. Padma hasn't had legend 20 goddamn years. Would you leave your father out of this? She's still trying to marry hers. - Yeah. - Admin, her old man, chasing ass. - Yeah. - So, yeah, so they had to like, they went, and they designed their thing and everything. Oh, there was an issue, Kwame, there was an issue with Kwame's thing because he asked for bacon, and then a Mars phone cut away, and a Mars didn't get the bacon, and then Kwame's like, where's my bacon? And then Chad was, not Chad, but like, hot bear was like, yo, bro, bro, I never got the mess about the bacon. You can't have any of mine, and Kwame's like, I found prosciutto, or that's not how. - I liked that Big Bear kept making fun of Kwame the whole time. - Dude, you're being a pussy about your bacon, okay? Get the fuck over it. I really like seeing this side of that Big Bear. I'm gonna say it 20 times, just because that's how it is. - Yeah, but I still don't love the Big Bear. I think he's, I think it's good to look at. I am, I really am just all about Karen, and what's her name again? Marjorie? - Marjorie. - Well, Marjorie, may kid be, you serve raw lamb in a dog park in the summer in LA. - Are you fucking crazy? - Yes. - You are. - Yeah. - And I love it. - I didn't like kibby, but I don't, I've never liked kibby. It's raw fucking lamb. No, but thanks for-- - They make a good kibby at Carousel in East Hollywood. - Cooked or raw? - It's raw. Delicious. - Yeah, I can't with that. I just remember great, one of my great uncles, the scene, used to eat raw kibby, and one time, I was just a kid and I was looking at this guy, like, "Blah, blah, blah!" He was like old country kind of news, so he ate like a truck, and blood just coming down his face. - And I've, what? - I'm still horrified. - Why did blood come down his face? - Because sometimes with raw kibby, it's raw lamb. I mean, they don't do anything to it. - She tossed it in lemon and stuff, but they'll sit there and eat ground raw lamb out of the store. - Why would it make you have blood? Oh, meaning, oh, I see we're saying, when he was eating it, the blood from the lamb - Yes, the blood from the lamb, yeah. - Oh, well, that's disgusting. That's why, I thought it was like some horror thing, like he ate it and made him like bleed out of his eyes or something. - Oh no. - Well, that's awful. - Yeah, so that's why I was like, okay, now it's a smell of dog poop and a raw kibby. No, bitch. - Well, I luckily have not had that association, and the only kibby I've had has been from Carousel, and it's not bloody at all, and it's quite delicious. - Yeah, and hers was actually pretty good when we ate it. We liked it. - Yeah, so anyway, so they make their restaurants. The guys, I believe, call their restaurant district, which is funny 'cause there's like two or three, they're called, there's district LA, and there's like two or three restaurants already called District here in LA, and then they call, and then the women's team, which is funny 'cause there's only two women, called there's a palette, which is funny 'cause there used to be a restaurant called Palette, so I was like, okay, well. - So the challenge was to make a restaurant celebrating LA culture or something? - You know, it's funny, they have these very wishy, washy, like generic themes, like California, modern. - Yeah, so, but the challenge was specifically, they had to do something California, right? - Oh, I don't know, I didn't hear that part of it, maybe. - Well, I'm, because in, I remember Phillip saying, Los Angeles doesn't have a culinary perspective, so this means we're wide open. I'm like, look, I'm not a huge fan of the culinary perspective in Los Angeles myself, but there is one, and to say there's not is fucking stupid, especially since every single culture in the world lives here, you could choose anybody you want and choose that as your, you're. - Well, also, especially for you to even live here and have a restaurant here and say that is, - And his restaurant is, his restaurant is so exactly Los Angeles culinary, the Los Angeles culinary scene, you know? It's, if his style is exactly, it sort of exemplifies the general Los Angeles thing, if you were sort of to exclude all the ethnicities, which of course we will, 'cause we're white. - Like steamed vegetables in a side of, side of Insta likes. (laughing) So anyway, they get to cooking and there's like concern because Isaac is gonna be executive chef and they're like, he's gonna be sloppy. He's not gonna be in control, but he's actually really good, 'cause this is what he does every day and, you know, Karen's like, when should I fire this, this, this, when should I fire this, Isaac? Okay, you know, okay, I'll try, I can wait, okay. - So he was being a bitch to him. That girl was not being cool. That girl was being a bitch this week. And Isaac, I like when Isaac was like, no one has faith in me, but I can do this. You know, I've worked for, I've worked for, what's his name? Oh, I've worked for Emeril for 10 years. Bitch, I've worked on the internet for 10 years. It doesn't make me Google, who cares, you work for Emeril? You're not Emeril, shut up. - I believe that Isaac is actually really good as someone who can control a kitchen, that, believe it or not, I believe that. - Yeah, I don't disbelieve it. - And obviously we were right, because he was, they were totally fine, they were really good with, the kitchen was, was, everything moved perfectly, right? That was the whole thing, it was like, they were like, oh well, turns out Isaac was really good at that. - Yeah, everyone's like, begrudgingly giving him credit, but not really to his face. They're like, um, decent job, weird person. - That's not refined. - And then would walk over. - Genius. - Weird person, that's not refined. (laughs) - Nice job, Spaghetti-Os. - Mm-hmm, so then, but on the other side, when the judges came in to their, to their restaurant, they stopped the whole kitchen, and just focused on the judges' food, which then caused their entire operation to get backlogged, because then people weren't getting food, and then people weren't getting out of their tables, and they had a huge line. And so then, even like, once the judges were gone, and once I spoke, there was a lot of time when people were supposed to be seated, and they were so far behind, that there were people still sitting down towards the end of their time frame of their challenge, and there were like nine orders that they couldn't even tend to, 'cause the time ran out, and now with the cliffhanger, like, what the fuck are we gonna do? We didn't get to serve nine tables. - Of, uh, but you can't win. You know, they set it up on the show, so you just can't win. I mean, they're doing that 'cause they watched Top Chef, and they know that if the judges wait, you're done for it, but then in this case, the judges, you know, they got fed, but then they noticed other people didn't have food. And then Marjorie's doing a perfect job on her side, as far as being in front of the house, she was doing great, and then they come in. - The moment that she was like, okay, time to enter, 'cause Marjorie's smoking outside, or whatever it was. - She was like checking a plate in the back, and then-- - Yeah, but Marjorie was funny. Marjorie was like, oh, she's like, oh, it's the classic, you know, no hosts showed up when the judges arrive, but-- - They said, how do you think Marjorie is doing? And Tom's like, well, you know, good. I mean, she's a little awkward, you know. She's a little awkward, you know, at the front of the house. I would prefer, like, less awkward, but, you know. (laughing) - But you know, the truth is though, I don't think it's totally that-- - I didn't know I had a Tom, by the way. - Yeah, that's good. But they did, you know, it's not as, I don't think, I think there's a way to win on the service front. And obviously, you know, the Marjorie team did, which is, you know, the judges got their food, but they didn't stop the whole operation, and everyone else got their food, like a normal restaurant, you know? - Yeah. - The first team, the girl team, the judges were so bored. They're like, here's a, wow, look, it's a grilled piece of salmon. And the girl's like, well, I maybe would have liked some creativity in this, because it's really just a grilled piece of fish, but at least it's good. Tom's like, yeah, well, you know, bored. - And then they go to the next team, and they were boring too. And I just thought this is what you get when you ask for a California experience. - Yeah. - Here's some grilled broccoli and some fish. Enjoy yourselves. - Well, no, I'm trying to remember what they said, 'cause I remember they liked the appetizers of one team, and they liked the entrees of another, right? Do you remember what it was? - I believe they liked the basic creativity of the second team, and the-- - Which way the second team is the men, or the men? - But they liked the food better on the first team. - Right, well, they loved Karen's salad, right? Karen made a salad. - I would eat this salad every day if I was at lunch. - Right. - And then they also loved, what was the other thing that they loved for the main? 'Cause Karen's salad was the main, right? It wasn't the starter. - God, I don't even remember. - I don't even write down the food stuff. I just write down things like Padma's boobs, because Padma's boobs were so crazy today. I was like, this is lunch. Would you pick your tits up off the table, Padma? And then Gail, I was so proud of Gail not wearing a pattern, because it's like the first time we've seen her in a non-pattern dress. But instead, she had cut out patterns. I was like, come on, Gail. It was like little holes in the front to make a pattern. I was like, give up the patterns, Gail. - Gail can do no wrong in my book. She can do no wrong. Oh, wait, so here, I think, okay, so I'm pulling up the pictures of restaurant wars. So we have, there was an egg. Oh, they loved that egg, didn't they? Didn't they love, is Jeremy's arugula salad with grilled asparagus and crispy egg-entrol authentic reds? And they love that? - I don't know, but using truffle oil on a food network would get your ass kicked off in two seconds. They hated it over there. - So this is what it was. They liked the starters on the men's team, because they loved Jeremy's arugula and grilled asparagus and egg. And they also loved Kwame's valutet. Corn and sage valutet with pancetta, which to me sounds delicious. - To me, it looked just like his evil dad dinner. - I liked it. Oh, I love a nice clean soup like that. - I don't like what they call soup valutet or shit like that. Give me some soup. - And then there was a, so for Phillip, he made a roasted salmon with a ratatouille in Greek yogurt for a mane, and they didn't like the ratatouille on top. And then a marme made a roast chicken breast with polenta and wild mushroom reggae. I don't even remember what they said about that one. - I remember the bear was like, "Dude, we get it, you can make chicken breasts." - Yeah, yeah, that's right. I was like, how dare you say that when you are Mr. Crudo? So then on the other team, Isaac made a seafood stew with cod shrimp clams muscles and the judges were like, "Blah." And then Carl is the guy who always makes generic food. He, oh, he made a terrine. That was his big, that was his big-- - A terrine, yeah. - That was his big arc with that. He didn't know if the terrine was going to come together or not. And then he was like, "Oh, it turned out perfectly." And the judges were like, "No, not so much." - That sucks. - That sucks. But they loved Marjory's marinated beets and pickled cauliflower and baby greens and shaved. And as we said before, they loved Karen's salad. So-- - So here's what I need to say, man. Here's who I hate. - Yes. - Real people on the shows. I hate the extras. Now I know that we were them once, but at least we weren't like steam rolling all over everything, just being me, just because we're on TV. They showed some people this one table and he's like, "Well, I really didn't like the no, no, no." And he just kept pontificating about shit that he didn't like. I wanted to murder him. I'm like, you're getting free food. And also all the people who are like, "Yeah, service is taking so long." Like you just stood there for two and a half hours waiting to even start shooting. We know you did. So if you're thirsty enough to be here for your free mail on TV, why don't you just shut the fuck up and say thank you. - Listen, how about that? That's one complaint. That's one complaint I would not. I think it's okay because, you know, they probably show up at like 10 in the morning or 9.30 in the morning or 8 in the morning. Who knows what? Sit around in a loading area. And then they get bused to the location where they have to stand around even longer. And then they're told to go in in stages. And by the time they get to the restaurant, it's been four or five hours, you're starving. And then you sit down and the food doesn't come out. Like I too would be like, where is the food? Where is the food? - You're very nice though, wouldn't you go? 'Cause we waited all that time when we got there. And you know, like I do an hour of anything. And I'm like, I'm exhausted. You're like, this is amazing. - I know, I was positive and nice. - I was doing like, I was like Maria Vontrop twirling around on the mountain tops at the food defense. Free food in every direction. I figure I was gonna say, but. - Probably 'cause I totally interrupted you. - No, no, it was fine. - If you were talking about, you were just, you just told all the plates. - I know I was gonna say, I liked how Marjorie, like when, so Marjorie's issue, her big issue being in front of the house is that people weren't getting out of their tables and there's a line was forming. So then she did the smart thing, which is that she offered them wine. And she was like, oh, she's like, if you come this way, I can offer you some sparkling wine. And they're like, oh good. And she gets them out of their way. And like, she's like, Claire it. Claire the table. - That is how to do it. - But it's exactly right. - She did a great job, but of course they don't see that. - Can I make an odd observation, by the way? I really liked Kwame's blazer and I thought it was very well-fitting. - I didn't even notice his blazer. - I noticed it. I noticed that, I was like, wow, that's a really nicely tailored blazer for me. - I think because I got two pieces of pizza for six dollars at the Whole Foods. And there came a point where that's all I could see. Like I could hear what was happening. I don't know how it covered my eyes, but that's all I can remember seeing. - So anyway, the big cliffhanger is that the macho team ran out of time, did not get to serve everyone. And that's kind of like really bad news. But next, this coming week, it looks like part two, there's gonna be some bad food served where the judges, like Tom was like, I can't even eat this, it's like, it's incredible. They are really unhappy and they didn't go wrong. And Jeremy's Crudo is going to be under attack again. So I'm excited. Restaurant Wars is the best. - Jeremy, I love you. - Why hasn't, you know, Bravo is constantly trying to spin off Top Chef or find other food shows like recipe for deception. Why don't they do restaurant wars as a full spinoff? Is that, do you think they're maybe afraid of sullying the value of Restaurant Wars when it comes up on the season? - It's probably a humongous pain in the ass. - 'Cause you, it's like doing the design show too, where you have to get all the people to donate all this shit for free 'cause you don't rob wine pain for that shit. - True. - It's like, welcome to Creighton Barrel. Your theme is making something out of storage units. Okay, and also chicken. Go! - By the way, speaking of design shows, this is a little off topic, but on HGTV, there's a show called like Ellen's Design Challenge, which I haven't watched, but just from the commercials that are on, it's people go in and they actually build things like beds and chairs and tables. - Awesome. - And it's, it looks really cool and looks so bravo. I'm wondering how did Bravo miss that one? 'Cause I'm sure it was pitched there. It's 'cause everything looks like super high-end. I feel like Bravo really missed the boat on that. If it were pitched, if it had been pitched to Bravo, I feel like Bravo definitely missed the boat on that one. 'Cause that seems perfect for Bravo. - There is very, just from my experience with them. They're very, like they have one successful thing and they will run it into the ground. I mean, Top Chef really was luck because that was just a project runway rip. And then, you know, it's the same format and everything. And then all the housewives shows, they were like, we're not making any more housewives shows. He said that two years ago. And now there's like, now there's five housewives on a week because they're like, it works, you know? They just do whatever works. But, you know, I remember, like it used to be, I don't know if they still follow it, but I remember seeing the former president of Bravo say that the way that they try to develop their programming is to follow the tenets of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, which is they wanna have shows that deal with like, what were the, what were the-- - Homos. - Well, no, just like what all those guys represented, they wanna have shows that match that, like a show for fashion, a show for food, a show for design, a show for whatever, like-- - All the cool things that we need to teach-- - All those things. - Like, or what? - Yeah, it's like shows that would stem from that. And they've got, obviously they've moved away from that, but it used to be that, you know, they had top design, which, the first season was a little rocky, but second season was awesome. - Oh, that's what I was gonna say, that's probably why they didn't take a design. They wouldn't take another design show because they, that one wasn't a huge success for them. And so I think they're like-- - Right. - Never again remember top design. - But the thing is with top design, the reason it probably, they probably didn't bring it back, I imagine, is 'cause that's probably a really expensive show, 'cause you're dealing with furniture and things that would be lent and all that stuff. But with Ellen's design challenge, they're building everything themselves. So they just have to provide raw materials, which is significantly cheaper. So I don't know. - I love that. So it's like a carpentry show? - Yeah, I mean, again, I've only seen the commercials, but from the commercials you see them hammering away and building things, and then they show really quick glimpses of finished products. It's like really cool sleek modern chairs and stuff. It looks awesome. - Oh my God, I'm so-- - And obviously Ellen DeGeneres is behind it, I should say. That's the Ellen that they're discussing in the title. - Oh, whoa, a lesbian and a design challenge show. Love it. - Yeah, so-- - The world is changing so quickly. - So, I mean, I don't know if the show's any good, but I feel like it probably is. It just seems like it's a high-end competition. I would have liked to see that on Bravo. I would have liked to have covered that. - Yeah, I'm surprised Bravo doesn't have like 20 more shows, like Applebee's Rules or whatever. Just a billion shows about-- - They're trying. - They're trying, a pretty ski. - Oh, that's true. - It seems like they've kind of abandoned their competition format. I mean, they've got recipe for deception. But, you know, when they were trying for a long time to duplicate Project Runway, they failed. They've tried. I mean, they're still trying for Top Chef. - Competition shows have to be ending soon. I mean, I'm, I can't even, when I hear somebody sing, I'm like, "Oh my God, a singer!" 'Cause there are so many American idols. I've watched so many goddamn teenagers singing like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Like, trying to riff and scream at their throats at until they're blue in the face. That it just makes me hate singing now. (laughing) - Turn off the radio, darling! - I was thinking about Bravo's music show, Platinum Hit, actually. When I was, when I was making the love song to Lala earlier this morning, I was remembering the challenge where they had to make dance music on that show. And I was like, "Oh, I miss Platinum Hit." I was like, "I could've been on there." - Whoa, whoa! - I could've been on, I could've been on there. I could've submitted love song to Lala. - You could've, they're all garage bands. - They are. - They're all garage band loops, so you totally should do that. That song is amazing. We should end the show with the-- - We're gonna end this little rewinds. - Okay, everyone. So thanks for listening. Come, please subscribe to us on iTunes. It's that way the show's come directly into your inbox or stitcher or whatever. It also helps our show grow because it raises, I think if you just subscribe, we, oops, I'm sorry, hit the mic. We go higher in the rankings and the more, the higher that we go in the rankings, the more people find out about us, it's really helpful for us. And thanks everyone. Come to our Facebook page, facebook.com/watchforcrapins and patreon.com/watchforcrapins. And now, to send us off, once again, is DJ James Kennedy with a love song to Lala. (upbeat music) Here's your safe day. Don't say we're chillin' when you're clearly hip friends. It's an ugly kid. Don't think I'd give a fuck about your boys when I do their liners. Fuck, sorry, not sorry, ugly ass, fuck, fuck, fuck. Also heard how you were killing some ass when kissing me after that's nastier, fuck yourself. Your last day. That's nastier, fuck yourself. Your last day, big thing to say. Your last day, big thing to say. Lumber. Your last day, big thing to say. Chris Dan. Your last day, big thing to say. Lumber. (upbeat music) I'll walk on to shake your hand like a blow. Go fuck yourself, go. You ever think about getting back together though? (mumbling) If you like Watch what Crap-ins, you can listen ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey at Wondery.com/survey. I'm Lindsey Graham, host of Wondery Show American Scandal. We bring to life some of the biggest controversies in US history, presidential lies, environmental disasters, corporate fraud. In our latest series, entrepreneur Lou Perlman becomes the mastermind behind two of the biggest pop groups in the world, the Backstreet Boys and In Sync. 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