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For Hers.com/crapins, Hers weight loss is not available everywhere. Compounded products are not FDA-approved or verified for safety, effectiveness, or quality. Prescription required restrictions apply. Welcome to The Watchbook Crapins Podcast. The podcast about all that crap we love to talk about on The Old Brabs. I'm Ronnie Karam from Trash Talk TV, and I'm with the gorgeous, talented, lovely, calm-spirited, and well-mannered. Well, Brad. Well, Brad. Ben Madelker from the B-side blog and the banter blender. Hello, Ben. Hi, Ronnie. Ben, hey. I love you. I love you, too. It's Thursday. Lost to talk about today. But for you guys, come over to Facebook.com/watchbookcrapins to talk crap with all the other listeners and post your own links and all that good stuff. It is a really good source for the Housewives news. We just got some celebrity apprentice news, etc. Good stuff. Yeah, that's good. Thank you to everybody who supports us at patreon.com/watchbookcrapins. That's where you guys can go become premium subscribers, and you will have access to our 69 bonus episodes, plus a bunch of ringtones, gift housewife, gift emoji, stuff like that. There's a bunch of extras over there. So if you're not already a preemie, come on over and join up. It's tote's worth it, you guys. Preemie? Okay. Also, you can go to Watchitcrapins.com to get all of our links. So do all that good stuff. And also, thank you to our premium subscriber Marvin J. We love you Marvin. We certainly do. Yes, and thank you to everybody who supports us over there. So, Grogt. So, Grogt. So, Grogt. I'm so glad to be here. What do you want to talk about first, Ben? Wow. I mean, there's some fun little gossip from our Facebook page. You just alluded to it before, but the cast of celebrity apprentice has been released. And for those of you who may not be aware, Donald Trump is no longer associated with the celebrity apprentice or the apprentice, obviously, because many different reasons. So now it's going to be Arnold Schwarzenegger as the new apprentice. And I think Tara Banks is his, like, his advisor. So I don't even know how, yeah. I don't even know how this new season could even work, because as much as Donald Trump is a blowhard, ridiculous asshole nincompoop, he was kind of the best in the war for us. That's why he's great on the apprentice. That's his show. How the hell is Arnold Schwarzenegger going to be a Donald Trump? It's not going to be... Yeah, it's, I don't know. Maybe we'll see a new side of Arnold. Maybe we'll see the side that he used at when he was a governor, you know? It's the same side he uses in everything. There is no other side to Arnold. The governor was the same as the Terminator. He's like, "There will be no taxes." And then there's like a million new taxes. He just lies in an accent, okay? Fuck that. He's going to be like, "I love your poster board idea for the store, but I need it more yellow." Yeah, like you're sort of giving the Yolanda accent to him. So the only reason why we're really bringing this up is that amongst this cast of people, some of whom I have no idea who they are, there are two real housewives, Kyle Richards, she, the entrepreneur behind Kyle by Eileen too, and then Portia Williams, who as we all know, runs many different businesses yet to be determined. Out of the same office that is Cynthia Bailey with really noisy fluorescent lights overhead. Exactly. Portia, no, she's not going to be able to sell anything. Portia won't even show up to her own hair extension meetings with her. She's trying to make a pregnant woman sell hair extensions for her. Okay, that's not going to work. And Kyle has Eileen too. Maybe Eileen will be there with Kyle. Yeah, maybe you get to finally meet Eileen. Eileen, Eileen, because we know Eileen, but we don't know Eileen. And the winner of the celebrity apprentice is Eileen too. She is proven that she will be back. She's already got a sequel. It's just her daughter Portia and Amumu. Yeah, this is really the dream. Seeing Arnold Schwarzenegger and Portia Williams discuss things. Like in what world would they ever be, ever, ever, ever be interfacing? I feel sort of bad for Arnold. I mean, he did it to himself. Why? Well, I mean, the reason why he's now been reduced to being on a, you know, B-list, C-list reality show is because, you know, I think that like in the wake of his whole scandal that he had shooting on Maria, people just sort of thought of him as just like trashy. And, you know, his box office career was going downhill. Anyway, he never did a good job in diversifying. He was always just like, he was like, "I'm gonna be an action hero no matter what." And when they, when that's hard to fall away, he did not think like maybe I should try indie going indie or something like that. He just was like, "No, I'm gonna still do action. I'm still gonna do action." He can't go indie. I mean, that guy can barely play a robot. He went indie last year actually, finally. He did? What did he do? He was in a, this like indie zombie movie with Abigail Breslin, but it had like warm reviews. I don't know. Arnold Schwarzenegger, get out of here, Arnold. Well, we have other, we have other news from the world of the Richards, which is that Kyle is not the only one getting secondary employment. Kim Richards, she is going to continue to let her star, I don't know, it doesn't, her star just sort of goes at a steady, it already was up. It just sort of like hit the ground. And now it's just like, it's like a ground ball and baseball. That star just, that star just drinks. That's like the drinking star. Just rolls along. That's why the star is always falling. It's just like a tumbleweed, she doesn't have a star. She just has a tumbleweed that just goes across the highway. I'm just trying not to hit it. But she's going to be in a new show on Lifetime called The Mother, Daughter Experiment, Celebrity Edition. And like she and Brooke are going to be like working stuff out. Oh, geez. Poor Brooke. Yeah. I just hope that most of that show takes place with Brooke in a room looking mortified while Kim is down a hallway screaming. I'm not going to do it. I'm going to screw you, Dr. Phil. Yeah, this thing I've ever seen in my life. This is not going to turn out well. I mean, and the other people on this show, it's like Heidi, what's her face? You know, from Spencer, from The Hills, Heidi. Oh, what does she look like? Heidi Pratt. I don't know what she looks like these days. But what was Heidi's original name before she was Pratt? Montag, of course. I can't believe I forgot that. But so Heidi and her mom are going to be talking about things. And then Krista Stodden, who was the 16 year old who married that random actor. She, I'm sorry, Courtney Stodden is the daughter, but she is going on with her mom because she's accusing her mom of using her fame, which is also very LOL. And then Char Jackson, she made that vagina. She should be able to profit off of it, all right? I stand for Kris Jenner. Yeah, well, there's a lot of, there's just a lot of weird shit. Anyway, that's what Kim Richards is up to. Oh, Kimmy, Kimmy Richards. God bless her heart. I hope she shows up for filming. I have a feeling that her daughter's just going to keep showing up. Like, I swear my mom's coming. This girl should be here in five minutes or she's fired. Yeah, Kim Richards taking the bus to the Walmart and Encino to steal shit. Yeah. Hey, is there a Walmart and Encino? I never had any idea how beautiful Encino was until recently when Tory Spelling fell on a hibachi grill. That's when I was like, oh, some of my rich people live there. There's a chilis there. Oh my God, there needs to be a chilis in every town. There should be. I agree. And a claim jumper. I'm going to go over the hill just to go to that claim jumper. I've never seen a club sandwich that big. It's bigger than my apartment, that club sandwich. There used to be a claim jumper in Burbank. Yeah, there is. That's what I'm saying. I'm going to go to the hill. Is it still there? I think it's got turned into something. Don't you dare. I'm actually braving a club sandwich from the claim jumper right now. I don't even know where that came from. I've never been to claim jumper. That's because I don't like anything that involves jumping with my food. You can't be thinking thin and then going to claim jumper at the same time. Claim jumper is for fat people because we only claim to jump. No, we can't really do it. Because we eat there. That's the biggest food I've ever seen in my life. Suck at Cheesecake Factory. Well, according to Yelp, the claim jumper still seems to be in existence. So that's great. It's great news. Yes. Thank you, people in Burbank, for keeping the claim jumper. Thank you, Burbank, for supporting businesses like claim jumper, Joaquin O. Oh, God, Joaquin O. Every chain restaurant in the world, thank you, Burbank. Because someone's snotty around our neighborhood won't even open that shit. We've got like little Russian coffee shops that charge you $15 for a terrible chicken sandwich. Yeah, I mean, there's P.F. Chang's in the Beverly Center, but that's closing down. There was a Grand Luxe Cafe, also in the Beverly Center. That's also closing down. Truth is, I never liked either one of those. The closest thing that we ever had was there was a red lobster that used to be in Beverly Hills on Wilshire and La Cienega. And I would go there, but that closed down and turned into a bank. Oh, we have a sizzler on Highland Avenue. Yeah, we've got sizzlers and shakies. I think those are our chain. Yeah, for some reason, like, sizzler makes it in. Sizzler makes the cut for Hollywood West Hollywood, like the non-suburban part of Los Angeles. And yet, like, the legit stuff, like, red lobster, is like, you have to go 45 minutes to a red lobster. You have to go either to Inglewood. There's one in Inglewood. There's one in Valencia. There's one in Monrovia. There's one in Gardenia. But is there anyone near here? Oh, I know where they all are. I know where all the red lobsters are. We've got little stars on your Google map where all the red lobsters are. Oh, I definitely do. And, like, any time I drive to Vegas, I am sure to hit up the red lobster in Victorville. I am sure to do that. I know where they all are. Well, Ben, I think that now that we've had a little red lobster for an appetizer, it's time to jump into our favorite part of the show. Ooh, you mean the cheesy biscuit that is? The crappin's mailbag? Yeah! Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun. Oh, my sheep making noises are not coming out properly. I'm like, meh. I'm just basically doing what's her face from Princesses Long Island. Dad help me. Speaking of that show, there was a couch on the porch of this little halfway house that is across the street from where I live. And they emptied the house out and left the damn couch on the porch. And now I see why that girl was horrified. You do not want to see what happens on couches on porches at night time, okay? There's like bum fights out there. All kinds of movements under blankets and shit. Finally, the city had to come remove the damn couch because it was like a party over there. People see a couch and they just go crazy. They're like, "Yes, it's a couch on a porch. Let's party!" It's very true. I mean, I don't want to be elitist, but you know, I'm going to be elitist and say, "It is great!" You know, couches, it's like they're like bum magnets and rightfully so. I mean, it's like, oh wait, I could not sleep on the pavement tonight? Yeah, I think I'll sleep on the couch. So yes, that was the Crap and Smail Bank. Thank you for listening to our show. What are those going to be 20 hours today? We've talked about Red Lobster and couches on porches. And I'm going to continue talking about Red Lobster just FYI. I feel like a little crazy today. I feel crazy and unfocused. So I apologize, everyone. I feel like my ramble button is on high or at the gauge or the... I pressed the button and now my rambling is on. Anyway, so we have questions. We have questions. Okay, Jackie Flavin. Jackie Flavin asks this question. Oh, before Jackie Flavin's question, someone said somewhere. They were like, "Hey, I'm a straight guy and I just wanted to know if you guys could give a shout out to the straight guys that listened to your show." So the straight guys that listen, we love you. Thank you for being straight and listening and being so progressive to listen to two gay guys be super gay and talk about Bravo. Yeah, also straight guys. This is the first step in questioning your sexuality. Enjoy being gay. Enjoy your gayness. Call us again with your gay. No, they can be straight and like Bravo. It's a wonderful new world. It's a post-gay world. Not in my neighborhood. It is during gay. What do you call that? It is current gay. Current gay. I don't know what this gay means. Post-gay just means that straight guys are gay now too. That's all I've noticed. And hey, look, I'm all for it. Yeah, all for it. Go and experiment. More people do not commit to in my pool. So straight people who are listening, straight guys who are listening. Thank you for listening. So Jackie Flavin, she says Bravo is making a show featuring the one-season wonders, i.e. Lydia from Orange County or Cindy from New York or Peggy from O.C. or Deshawn or D.C. Everyone. So who do you cast in a real housewives made up of one-season wonders? Okay, so we have to pick six, right? Because that's like a housewives cast, five or six. I think out of the gate, it has to be Claudia Jordan, first of all. Oh, I wouldn't choose Claudia Jordan. I thought she was boring. She has to do anything. She's talking about her toes and went to a comedy class. She's the only one in the history of the real housewives who was ever able to take down any leaks. That is an automatic spot in my one-hit wonder real housewives cast. Well, okay. She screamed at a moose. Okay, so I'll go with that. If we get that cast, I can't just like diss all your casting. That's not very fair. It's not fair. So Claudia Jordan, welcome, welcome to this new show. I think I would pick the chick from real housewives of DC, who's like a total bitch on wheels, who called everything out. Oh, Katomani. Katomani, yeah. Yes. I would pick her because she's awful and amazing. Yeah. And she's probably the grumpiest person I've ever seen in my life. And I love a grump. Yeah, Katomani, that's a fantastic one. So Claudia, Kat, part of me kind of wants Michaela Salahi because she's a disaster, but I feel like there's some others we can get to before we get to Michaela Salahi. I'm trying to think, in a weird way, I almost want Quinn from the season three of real housewives of our county, just because she made no sense. And she wore a mean wig. It's really more of a nod to Matt Woodfield because I know he has a special love for Quinn. Okay, I'll take the Vijazzal lady from Real Housewives of New York because I just need somebody. First of all, I love someone who's like hot glue gunning like plastic jewels on flappy vaginas in New York to me. That's the most hilarious idea. And also, I just like that she's like these women are idiots. Yeah, really being every scene. I mean, really? Really? Really? What idiots? Talks like this, I'm trying to think of who I'm trying to think of other. I actually would put I would do I would do Lydia from Orange County also because she was, you know, I like Lydia because she was sort of like, whoa. But then she would like call people out of their shit all the time. So I like Lydia. I would welcome her back. The Euler agrees with me. Yeah, he's like Lydia. He's all mad that he has to watch Lydia for another season. I just like Lydia because I like her like folk Christian storyline where she's like, I'm really Christian. But then they questioned her on stuff and she didn't know anything about it. She's like, what? Who's Jesus? And then she was talking about charities and stuff. She was just faking it basically. She, I think she just needed friends. So she became a Christian because there's like so many white people in church. She was like, oh, there's people to hang out with and have cookies with. Yeah, but then it didn't work out. Okay, so Lydia, I just wish I could pick Lydia's mother because I know that she starts shit with everybody. Well, with her dirty feet. Yeah, her dirty feet on couches. I just want to see Lydia's mother go put her feet on couches. Yeah, but we can't choose the mother. So let me see. What would be another good one? Larsa's hip and wonder. Larsa, no, no, the girl who the other one, the other young one. Yes, the one who goes to charity events and never pays for a ticket. You mean the stepmother of the guy who tried to punch Kenya, the season on Real Housewives of Atlanta or the ex-stepmother? Does she know that's Tammy, right? No, no. Chrissy Rice was married to that guy's dad. Oh my goodness. Yeah. No, I didn't even know that, but that's even better because then maybe we'd get to see Tammy every once in a while. Oh, I couldn't stand Chrissy. It's Chrissy Rice, actually, I think. But I don't know. Larsa, I would want to put Larsa because I feel like Larsa and Claudia, that would be a really interesting combination. And Katomani, I think that's okay. Let's take Quinn out so we can open up some space because I mean, Quinn really is worthless. And let's put in Carlton from Beverly Hills. Carlton, I could not stand Carlton. She was the worst. Her phony religion in her phony house and her stripper pole. I was like, come on, girl. I can't believe it. What sound like wax paper going up and down that pole? Yeah, and remember when she got offended when she was telling the story about how she killed a beat. Oh no, someone killed a bee in front of her and she said, I can't believe someone would do that. We killed a bee in front of me. That's a living thing. Well, you killed a plastic tree for those tits. Oh, and by the way, I didn't mean wax paper. I meant sandpaper, obviously. Like, why is somebody sanding the stripper pole? People are like, what is wax paper? Sound like going down a stripper pole. And how do you know that? Okay, so that was good. That's a good question. And that's actually a good show. I would watch that show. Yeah, 100 percent. 100 percent. I would watch any shit that I cast. What's the next question, Bean? Oh, the next question is from Lauren Grobowski. And she's requested this in James' voice. So what's your thoughts, your basic bitches? About the obviously staged aspects of the housewives and other bravo shows, girl. The instance, if they're taping on Sir Vanderpump and Kristen's shoes up, isn't she actually showing up? That was a record player going back and forth. Oh, okay. So yeah, of course, of course, they're staged and stuff. That is an interesting question, because someone mentioned call sheets recently. I don't even know where I read that. But in some story, they were like, oh my god, if you look at this call sheet. And I thought that was the funniest thing, because the call sheet does list, like here's where we're going to shoot. And here's all the people that are going to be shooting that day. So everybody can get organized. And it is kind of funny. It's barbecue at Kyle's house. And then everyone has to act surprised that they see each other or they have to act surprised. Well, I don't think they all find, I don't think they all know. From what we've heard from other reality stars, they'll tell you you're going to be at the scene and these are the people that are going to be there. And then it's like surprise, this person's there too. Yeah, because this week, I don't think that Lisa Vanderpump knew Faye was going to be there, because she would have prepared something, you know? Yeah, she was not expecting that at all. Yeah, she would have had that playboy in her suitcase or something. What's your name there? Yeah, I think that, you know, definitely there's a lot of staging in terms of just getting people in the same place and getting them fighting and moving the story along. But I feel, I always feel like they sort of set the stage for a scenario. And then the women just go at it. You know, I feel like these real housewives, they're not good enough actresses to do all this, all this emoting, like the anger and the crying, etc, etc. If they were good enough actresses to act those emotions out, then they would actually be actresses. I think they'd be working actresses. And you can see, when people are faking out, you can see, because you're like, "Oh, that seems like it's totally staged and read." But when someone gets angry and their veins are bulging, like, "I don't believe that Kyle Richards is a good enough actress to be faking that emotion right then and there." But I could also be naive. Oh, Kyle was terrible. A, I've seen her act. I mean, everyone has, you know, E.R. And, well, I don't even remember her on E.R. I just know she was like, you know, she was like an under five or something on E.R. every week. And then I saw her on some soap opera. And she was very stylish, you know. But even on this show, she can't fake anything. I mean, she's the least subtle person ever on these shows. Yeah, her shit stirring is terrible. Yeah, so they do get calls. She used to be, "Yeah, I guess they're surprised every once in a while." Yeah. So the next... Next picture. Grabbing his mailbag. That was my next question, music. Imagine your little Crap-in's mailman coming through with another envelope. And this one is from Jocelyn. Jocelyn asked Ramona talking to animals. Would you please do the same, but with Ramona talking to Lisa's animals? Okay. Lisa, whoa. Hey, Mrs. Keith, and why is it, why is it spelled with the G at the beginning? I don't get it, okay. I don't get it, okay. I think that's jiggy. And that's like, that's a stupid name, okay? I'm just saying, okay. Like, I've worked in fashion for like 30 years, okay? I know what I'm talking about a little bit, okay? I know how to look at samples, okay? I know how to look at rugs, I know how to look at carpets, I know how to look at fabrics. I can tell the difference between these things. When I look at this little dog, I don't think jiggy. I think a giggy, okay? I'm sorry. That's just the way he reminds me of things. Why does this dog bolt? This dog is missing big clumps of hair all over it. You know what your dog means? He needs to be renewed. Okay, this dog is like a library card that expired five years ago. It's not going to like be getting any books from the library, okay? Jiggy, you're like a dog. You're like a book that can't be rented, jiggy. You need renewed. Hey, hey, Hanky. Hey, Hanky. You know what? You know, you're being rude right now. You're being day-class A right now, Hanky, okay? You're pooping in the pool, okay? Like, I'm sorry. That's not nice, Hanky. I'm sorry. I can't even look at Hanky. Because one time when I was growing up, my father was making fried chicken in the kitchen and he was using pinky crumbs. And my mom said, "When is the chicken going to be ready?" And he threw a fried chicken at my mom's head and she still has a red dot above her head. It's so disturbing. I'm sorry, okay? Whoa, whoa, this is weird. So I was looking at Hanky and Hanky, okay? And I was thinking of these swans, okay? And I was like, "Whoa, this reminds me of when I was a child, okay?" And Geraldine Parsons Smith came over for dinner, okay? And my dad said, "What do we have for dinner?" And my mom said, "I don't know. I'll make something with chicken broth." And she got out the swans and chicken broth and he threw it across the room and exploded on the wall. And he said, "Romona, no dinner for you." And I was like, "Okay." I hope you got that little horse for cheap because it's really little, okay? I've never seen a horse so little. Like, that's not even a real horse. That's like a little mini, stupid horse. Like, you would pay so much for a dumb horse. Like, that's not even a horse. That's like a dog. You've got a bald dog, a horse, and like twin swans that stained my mother's forehead, okay? Like, I just can't. This is like really weird, okay? Like, like, I think that I'm having growth spurt, you know? It's weird. I'm like in my 50s, but I'm having growth spurt. I think I'm going to a second puberty, because I just had a growth spurt. I'm like, I think I must probably be about nine feet tall right now, because that horse is so small. That horse only goes up to my knees. I think I'm actually a giant test. It's crazy. I just want everybody to know that I'm totally fine alone. But if you could have your bald dog, like wrap one of these cucumber sandwiches up in some tin foil, I can leave it in the fridge just in case Mario stops by. You know, not that I can't, but just in case, okay? You know what I really like about Daddio? Here I'm going to see a sunshine. And scene. And... Anything reminding Ramon of sunshine is the end. Thank you to everybody who asked us questions in the cropping's mailbag. Yes, cropping's mailbag. Wait, I hear that there's a tune to end the segment. [MUSIC] There are actually more questions in the cropping's mailbag, but we will get to them on the next episode. We sure will, okay. Just like Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg on the next episode. That's right. I can talk about those things, okay? Let's start with Ash. Why don't you real housewives at Beverly Hills? Let's do it. Let's be crazy. Let's get nuts. The people versus Faye Resnick. Oh my God. Faye Resnick versus humanity. This woman is horrible. Horrible. No, I actually did not take too many notes, because since I know you do the recap for this on your wonderful site. Trash on TV.com. Never count on those because they're 10 pages. Now I'm going to be scrolling through 10 pages of stuff. You're going to be like, "Oh, no, it's going to be one of the hours." But here's the thing. I feel like you do that anyway. So this way, I know you're going to be going through all of it. So this way, rather than me go crazy with the notes, I can rely on my memory. But I did take some notes on some very specific things. And literally, I took four notes. And one of them was a macro note. One of them was Lisa So nosy this season. But yeah. So I opened up a regression against Renau. I'm starting to get a major regression against Renau. She's really starting to get on my last goddamn nerves on this show. I'm starting to get a major regression against Renau. I don't have a few nerves left. That's why I said my last nerves. Okay, I've got like four left if you left. He has a few left, Renau. And you're on his last one. He's coming to you. So we open with Ken and Lisa, basically. He's shuffling down Santa Monica Boulevard. Okay, these two act like they just ran a marathon. They're walking like they've walked through Egypt. Okay, they look like the poster for Ishtar. They're like, oh darling. That's the matter. This is so difficult. Motherload is right next door to pump. Like yeah, you guys walked outside and they're like, I'm exhausted darling. I would be exhausted too if I walked past Motherload. It's a lot to take in. It is. I go there because you know, that's where people. She drinks. Well, yeah. Cheekish. Strong drinks. Yes. Bartenders still have attitude, but they're fatter than most. So they don't like you can give them attitude back without worrying about, you know, feeling terrible about yourself. And also like normal people hang out there. It's not like really the Abbey. The Abbey's around the corner and that's like the big premier gay bar that is now owned by, you know, some big straight conglomerate or whatever. And then next to that, and the Abbey is between sir and pump. Just for those who don't live here, which is probably almost everybody. So the Abbey is laughing. I'm like, oh, that's such a good geographical call. So that's they're all on the same block. So it's the biggest gay bar in LA right between sir and pump. And then next to pump is the Motherload. And then next to that is some closed down place, which I'm guessing was that Chi Chi Larry sex shop that they went to. Well, right. No, no, be I. Well, here's the thing. Yes and no, because they're building coolies. You know, coolies? No, but that's just going to bring lesbians in. It sounds too much like Koozie. I don't like that. What's a Cooley? It's like, so the guy who owns the Abbey's name like David Cooley, or something C-O-O-L-E-Y. That's the biggest name I've ever heard. David Cooley. Oh, by the way, since we're about to go on a tear about someone's name, we probably should mention the fact that on our previous episode, we made fun of this guy, a Satchel. We're like, Satchel. What sort of name is Satchel? And then we went on a run, which admittedly was a really fun run, where we pretended people were named different bags. And then, of course, this is why it's good to have a Facebook community to check us. Because even we, the checkers need to be checked. And basically, people amongst them, Angie, our friend Angie, was like, Satchel Paige was like a really important African-American baseball player. So we were like, Lee, I don't care about baseball players. What the hell do I know about baseball players? I like their bubble, but listen, here's the thing. We were totally being ignorant to the importance of the word, Satchel, the name Satchel. But if we see a chance to make a really fun, like, joke run, we're going to do it. So we apologize. Also, I don't care how many baseball players are named Satchel. There are more bags named Satchel, okay? So we still win. That's true. Do you know, there's a football player named Ha Ha, like H-A-H-A. That's amazing. So not everyone's exempt, okay? So Satchel, you're going to get a pass. But a lot of you all, I'm still going to make fun of your name. I have a friend named Lowell. But it's spelled L-O-W-E-L-L. But I like calling him Lowell, like L-O-W-E-L-L. Yeah, it's like a normal name, Lowell. But if I just call him Lowell, I like to say Lowell. Remember, there was Lowell in Wings? No, which one was Lowell, the Nerdy Church? His Thomas Hidden Church was Lowell. Oh, like the Crazy Brother? No, that was like the drum at the airport, right? He was like a mechanic or something. My brain is always going to go to Wings. Any chance it has to go to Wings? It's going to go. I didn't like Wings. I wasn't a huge fan. I watched it for Crystal Bernard. But Tony Shalib's weird balcony accent made me nervous. Yeah, that's a good note. And there was a woman named Faye on that too, which is funny because we're talking about Faye Resnick today. Still alive, still amazing, by the way, and still looks exactly the same. But that woman hit 60 and has stayed there. Really? That's the older lady from Wings, right? Yeah. Faye hit 60 and I don't know. She keeps trying. Faye is literally turning into Chucky Cheese. Like she even has the two little stick Faye Resnick. She has those two little Chucky Cheese buck teeth stick. Wait, are we talking about Faye from Wings or Faye Resnick? I moved on. I was talking about Faye from Wings. She was older lady from Wings, but then I just naturally moved on to this. I thought you were saying that Faye from Wings still looks exactly the same. She does. It's 20 years. Yeah, she does. Maybe she has a portrait. Oh my god, it's the portrait of Dorian Faye. Dorian Faye. Oh my god, it's like those people who become vampires when they're like 70 and they're like god damn it. Now I have to be 70 my entire life. Couldn't you have bitten me when I was 20? That is the worst time, but then you could also be the other end. You could be Chris and Dunst age and you get bitten, but then you get bitten by someone like Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt and it's okay. Oh girl, Kirsten Dunst just got bit by Fargo. Oh no, Kirsten Dunst. No, no, that was not cute. I feel like I'm at the perfect age to be bitten by a vampire. I'm just gonna put that out there. Not me. My time has passed. I do not want to spend eternity with these stretch marquee arms flapping all over the place. I feel like I'm vampire prime. Actually, no, probably like eight years ago. I think my hair was a little fuller than... Okay, I'm past my vampire prime. I find I admit it. If you could get bit by a vampire, but also get like more hair and a perfect body and then stay like that, I do it. Now that would be great. If like being bit by a vampire, I meant that you just became like killer sexy. That would be fantastic. I don't want to have to drink blood because I don't even like talking to people outside. Could you imagine like having to go suck them clean of all of their blood? Disgusting. Who does that? Vampires gross. Okay, yeah. So Lisa's still outside of gay bar with her husband. So they're like shuffling down the sidewalk. This was literally a two second scene. I don't know why it was so exciting to me, but it cracked me up. So they go to Chi Chi LeRue's sex shop, which is the most overpriced sex shop in the world. They're like, "Here's a dildo for $500." Girl, I could get a real dick for the price of that rubber dick. Get out of here with you. And also, I'm sorry, I keep saying get out of here. I think it's because they're filming New Jersey right now. And I'm thinking of Joe. I was gonna say it's like your new cash raise. It's like a little bit, it's a little like Uncle Joey. Just to just touch cut it out. Get out of here. I have to stop it. It's Joe from Real House West New York. Get out of here with that. Get out of here with that. What? Okay, so what? So what? Who is? Okay, I've got to stop saying it. Okay, the point is they go to a sex shop. Can is taken over the lease because they're trying to take over that entire block in West Hollywood. I'm not really happy with this, Ben. It's someone who lives here. Well, I think I'd prefer his ill-advised sports pub than some overpriced sex store. The sex store. Can you just open an English tab in there? No, you're not going to serve me a fucking potato pie for $30 because you know that's what it's going to be. Yeah, it's funny when he said that. I was like, okay, he wants that because he would like that. But is he aware of the neighborhood? The only thing that works in West Hollywood is gay bars like with like muscle clad people working in them or like cheap shitty food. Like anytime someone tries to launch like pretty solid decent food like a legit restaurant on Santa Monica Boulevard, it doesn't work. No one goes there for serious dining. They only want like these shitty fast food or fast casual food that you can have when you get out of your bar. Or millions of milkshakes. Or millions of milkshakes. Yeah, you can get a slice when you're wasted or you can get a million milkshakes for you know, like chunky fag hags or whatever who come out with you on the weekend. That being said, that being said, the fast casual slash fast food options in WeHo have really, they've really, they're doing well. They got gizados in there now. They got cousins main lobster. Those lobster rolls are delish. Shake Shack is moving in. They've got five guys. It is a fast food dream for probably the most ab conscious block of America. Only open on Fridays and Saturdays. She's like five guys. And people only go there because it's called five guys and they think they're going to get some. Then they're like, yeah, I guess we're not. And it's for us some lighting. But hey, we can throw peanut shells on the ground. I mean hamburgers. Let's do it guys, girls, snaps all around. So speaking of peanut shells. So yeah, so Lisa and Ken are thinking, like Ken, Ken actually bought the lease for Chi Chi Le Rou and he wants to turn into an English pub. And they moved it. Now it's gone. So I guess that worked. And they're only doing this to give max a job. But the kicker is they're not going to give max a restaurant. He says, a little might have somewhere to be assistant manager at, darling. You can't even buy a place and make you're something manager. He still has to be an assistant manager. I know, cut to the night before in Vanderpump Rules. And he's like downing a beer bong with like broken teeth and antibiotics. I'm like, I don't know if this is the sort of judgment we want to be assistant managing a restaurant. Look, her restaurants are lit with a black light. And you sit basically on the floor like you're on the squatty potty about now. I don't think that anyone's really paying attention to any of that. That's true. That's true. So what's next? I think the next is we go to Donnie and Catherine, right? It's like Catherine's first. Yes, I officially hate Catherine now. Yay. Thank you, scene. Yep, Peter. What an idiot. I don't hate her. But here's what I did hate. The Donnie and Catherine, they pull up to go to their jeweler and they park in the red zone. It was full on red zone. And there was not a valet on the site. And even if there was one, that you're not supposed to do that. I was like, they just, at first it's like, well, maybe Donnie's just letting Catherine out and then he's going to keep driving away. No, they both got out of the car. The car was like not even like a wheel in the red zone. It was like both axles fully in the red zone. I got me so mad. Yeah, they're both obnoxious as fuck, okay? Both of them. On the drive there, they're talking, they're trying to convince us like they're fabulous or whatever. I like her. And Donnie says, remember when we're West Minister Abbey with the Queen Babe? Okay, that's not what it's called, stupid. First of all, come on. I remember one time when Donnie Edwards, I think when he was on the Kansas City Chiefs, maybe San Diego, but they didn't get to the playoffs or something. And I remember when he's talking to press afterwards, he was like, moping. He's like, what about me? What about Donnie Edwards? When am I going to get to the playoffs? It's like, shut up. When you start speaking about yourself in the third person, and when you learn how to pronounce West Minister Abbey, you dumb, dumb. But he is hot. And gay, right? He's gay, right? You know, I hate to be the gay guy that thinks everyone is gay, and I hate to do that, but I'm not going to lie, I did- Well, I don't think everybody is gay, and I don't have a good gator. I mean, my gator is terrible. I date straight people all two times. I'm like, it's terrible. He's gay, right? I did get a weird vibe, but I'm not, I don't know. I need more information. I mean, she set up in the first episode that she's the turn the blind eye, which in this episode turned to- she said I'm the turn to the left of the eye, like her sayings are so off. I just don't like her because, look, I know that the beginning of the housewives, your first scene has to be about how rich and fabulous you are, but I just don't like when people do that. And I have no problem with you, but it just really bugged me, and then she has a private jeweler. I'm so sure. I'm going to go to my private TJ Maxx now. I'm your private jeweler, a jeweler for money. I'm jeweler, you want me to jewel. And they're looking at all these jewels and the- Who did we say the other day? Fiveish. What's his name for- Fiveish Finkle. That was basically him, wasn't it? When he came out, I was like, it's the real Fiveish Finkle. I don't even remember what he looked like, because I was still so mad about the red zone. I guess, it's just like Donnie, he's just like, well, you know, I still have these instincts with football. If I see the red zone, I'm going to park in it. She's obnoxious. I will not fly anything but first class. I mean, business class, forgot about it. Red zone. Listen. Minister Abby talking about jewels that cost five million dollars or whatever, and then trying them on and saying, honey, can I have it? And then saying, you can have whatever you want, but you know we're redoing that kitchen. Okay, well, you can win today, but we'll be back. Like, thanks for wasting Fiveish Finkle's time. He just got up from a nap thinking he was going to make a five damn million dollar sale, and you just tried shit on and left. Bitch, I'm not buying it. Get out of here. They weren't going to buy it either way. I don't know. Like, it didn't really bother me as much. I thought it was like fine, filler. It was like, like you said, it's like the standard first scene that you see with the housewife where they- you're either going to see you're chasing around to kid, or buying jewelry, or something ridiculous. You know, I kind of liked it. I like that she's like, well, we don't have kids, so instead we're just going to, you know, the money that we're saving on kids, we're going to go to travel. And, you know, when we travel, we're going to fly in first class because we basically have the money for it now, because we don't have those damn kids. I think that I hate her because I've seen the entire episode, so by the end, I hated her. So by this part, I was just- Like, why are you so mad at her for saying, we only fly first when you have Erica who's like, yeah, well, we have two plans. I mean, I've prepared to hate Erica as well. I have not been on the Erica bandwagon. Every week I've said, I like her so far, but I'm prepared to hate her because I don't know. But you're the- but Erica, but I'm saying Erica committed a worse infraction. I think what she was saying, like, ah, well, you know, like, we have a big, big plan for this, and it's small one for regional. Ta-da-da-da. Like, that's, I think, worse than, like, I never fly business. Well, I call her up for being gross, too. I mean, it's not like I'm unfair. Of course, I got your back. I've called Erica gross, too. I mean, they're all gross, but I've called Erica out every week. I mean, give me a break. Katherine, I have your back and your husband's hot. So, you know what? Katherine, you're a pussy. You have no balls. You can't even read a book you're in. Then all you do is brag about money you didn't make on your second house. Get out of here, lady. Like, and I'm trying to stop saying, get out of here, but you're making it. Very difficult, Katherine. Okay. You can say, get out of here. No, I mean, you know, you know, I mean, I think here's the thing that you should be relying on in your defense of your thoughts of Katherine, which is that Hanky doesn't like her. So, if Hanky doesn't like her, he's a pretty good barometer of character. God, we are really the same person, because I have a screenshot in the recap of Hanky about to strike this bitch. He looks like the karate kid, Hanky. The karate swan. He's about this. He does. He's like it. The hilly swan. Yes, he's in total strike mode. Hey, hey, there's puppy. Whatever she says, girl's an idiot. He's very a little donkey, and he looks like he's going to kill her. And he's standing protectively in front of that statue that he thinks is kind of bad or pump. Hanky is on the side with a little drum with the balls on it. Sorry, that was a karate kid too reference. Meanwhile, are the great swans even still alive? No, they brought in Katherine. They recruited Katherine. They're like, they basically, it's like basically Kathy Moriarty and Robert Downey Jr. They brought in Katherine for Hanky. Katherine is the Kevin Klein and Hanky is Sally Field. Swan dish. That's Swan dish. They're like, this will get Hanky out of the pond, and then it'll be our pond. So the next scene is. I guess that means that Panky is Elizabeth's shoe. Poor Elizabeth's shoe. No one even knows what swan she is. No one cares. Well, no, that means that Panky's going to have a big moment soon. Panky's going to become the biggest star of them all. If we're looking at Swan dish for you have, you basically have four swans and then Katherine. Panky's all of a sudden got a tiara. That looked like goddamn Tweety Bird. Yeah, it's a yellow turban. So who's Kathy Najimian? Kathy Najimian is, I don't even think it should be an animal. I think it should be Rosio, because she's always running behind everybody, just like cleaning up their shit, and then putting on their clothes and stuff. And I can totally imagine one of the black swans getting on the house intercom and quacking. No turbines for Hanky. No turbines for Hanky. I'm going to PCH. Those are my people. Those are my people, David. Rosio, you're fired. Oh God, just kidding. Hanky goes and stands outside Swan Lake downtown, just so he can be asked for autographs. At least the Gibbons comes on the day when they all get into a big Swan fight. Oh, these are Gibbons! She would show up. Oh, it wasn't her. That was David Foster's sex wife, but the one who's like, "Look at the ocean, guys." That would be her playing these the Gibbons, yeah. The ocean is so much bigger than all of this. Can't we just be lucky that we're by an ocean? They're like, "Shut up, Linda!" And I think that Daddy-O is clearly Terry Hatcher in that there's a presence, but doesn't do much in the actual movie. But then, behind the scenes is the worst. Like everyone hates Terry Hatcher. Yes, everyone hates Terry Hatcher in real life. I don't think I've ever heard one story about Terry Hatcher big mice. They're all about her being a cut fitness. It doesn't matter, I love Terry Hatcher. And then Terry Hatcher was broke for a zillion years and then got desperate housewives. And he thought, "Oh, well, now she'll be nice." Nope. People were like, "I'm not shooting with Terry Hatcher." Felicity Healthman's like, "Ef, I'm not going near that bitch." I love her. Isn't it weird I have this? I'm really expressing a lot of love for people that you hate today. I know it's okay. It's okay. You're in a more positive place than me, and you know what? It works. Maybe you'll drag me into a more positive place as well. So right now, I hate all of that. All right, so there was the jeweler next to Kyle's house. So Kyle is at home planning this barbecue, which was not a barbecue, which we'll get to later. Which I really resent. It's basically Kyle walking around in a moo moo, you know, pretending to call people on her phone. While Portia is learning to roller skate, I think on one skate, right? She's using one skate and then a crutch to help her. And inside, shouldn't she be roller skating outside, not inside? I just had so many questions about the parenting of Portia. You know, Faye installed linoleum wood in there. The original decor was actually supposed to be roller rink, roller rink chic. Kyle's like, yeah, you know, Faye's such a good designer. I mean, you could mark her on this floor. You could, you could do anything to it. When you're done with it, you just unstick it and put a new sticker down. All our walls are actually just dry erase boards. Oh, Kyle, that's what her forehead is starting to look like. You need to stop sanding that thing down, Kyle. It's too shiny. It's too much sanding. It looks crazy. It looks like one of those apples in a grocery store that they wax to make it brighter and shinier. And you're like, yeah, but now I'm eating wax. Anyway, I think it's funny that Kyle is such a hypochondriac. She's faux afraid of flying and faux afraid of needles and all this. She's faking so many things that her kids now think is like a toy. It's a fun day to walk around on a crutch. Come on, Kyle. I know. So anyway, she just invites people around. She invites everyone. Yeah. So now, Eileen and her family are going to Italy for two weeks. Oh, yeah, because Eileen's sister died, which is sad. And they're going to spread the ashes and places. And so this scene, I think this scene was just them like packing. And bringing things to the car. And then her niece comes over and then Eileen's like, I think it was for the ashes. And then he's just like, cool. And she said, I moved them from the Ziploc bag and then put them in this compact. And I'm thinking, you had your sister. Why are you telling the daughter that you had her mother in a Ziploc bag? And now you put her in a makeup contact and you're the one pretending to cry? Well, let's be honest. And then why are the daughters just trying to find a drink? You know that like Vinny gambled away the urn, and I gave him a hike out. He's like, oh, I could get another poker hand for this base. They take it. I need the dust, though. I need to try the Wizard of Oz slot. So I pawned in the urn. So the real housewives of New York Carol was the first time we saw so much spread ashes. That's really the only time I ever need to see that again. OK. Oh, no, it's not the first time because we saw Sonia spread me, Lou. That's what I was going to say. And I was jumping ahead a little bit when Eileen spread the ashes over the balcony in Italy. I was like, this really is a nice step up from me, Lou. I have to say, this iteration of the storyline has gone in the right direction. See, I'm totally opposite. And I'm not arguing with you on purpose. But A, I do not need to see another ashes spread scene. B, it's so tacky to be doing this on TV. And I thought so with Carol, too. I just think it's gross and tacky and you need something to do. So now you're going to spread your sister and see, yes, you flew to Italy. But then you just ended up throwing her off the balcony of the Romada in in Italy. I mean, what the hell? At least rent a gondola or some shit, like put her in some water. Well, you just threw her over the balcony. I did think it was a family below them. That is funny. I was thinking that that's why I thought of me, Lou, because when Sonia spread me ashes, there was like a wind gust and like all of me was ashes gone, got on everyone. And Lou and was like, that's why that's why Lou and, you know, bark sometimes still. This is excellent. Say it, darling. That would make a great Disney movie where Lou and gets possessed by me, Lou. A very proud dog. Isn't that what happened in that movie? All of me was Steve Martin and Lily Tomlin. Basically, it was like a, it was like a metal trinket fell out of the building. Like where Lily Tomlin was dying and there was some weird guru. And then like her soul was put in this little metal trinket that went out the window and like landed on Steve Martin's head. I would love to see all of me with me, Lou and Lou Anne. I would love it. And, you know, like, me Lou controls one half of Lou Anne's body and Lou Anne controls the other half and it would be just fantastic. I'm paying on fire hydrants. It'd be cool. Don't be all on. Look, I made Pichau Alifran says, I love me, Lou. Oh my god. This is like a blockbuster video in here. It's like a free movie. It goes through all that. You know that big business and Jurassic Park are around the corner. You just wait everyone. We've gone from wings, which granted was a TV show, but still wings, soap dish, all of me, I can't. No more. Maybe we'll just go through all of Lily Tomlin's movies. So let me see, Vance Vance Vance. I wrote more about this paragraph. I mean, about this scene. I wrote more paragraphs about this scene than Eileen has done on this show. Like, I can't even believe how much I wrote about this stupid scene. Okay, Catherine had run and meet for brunch. Boring. Let's fast forward. I'm bored too. Well, that was, yeah, that was, that was like a, that was like a nothing. Such a nothing scene. And it was like, well, I'm trying to remember we used to hang out in the 90s. And then Catherine's like, yeah, it's crazy. And then it's like, yeah, isn't sweet butter a great place to have brunch? Yeah, crazy. I know. Do you like fillers? I love fillers. Have you had your boobs done? And then Catherine says, what about your lips? Cause I mean, you've had your lips done, right? Yes, I'm just trying to get them out. What do you mean you're trying to get them out? You're trying to get them out and you couldn't get them out. I mean, there are two like PES dispensers. For Christ's sake, woman, have someone make a slit in your lip and pull the damn thing out. What's so difficult about it? I know. It's like fascinating brunch. Okay. So then we moved on to. Is it next the store? The store with Faye. Now this was a tricky scene because this isn't Faye's store, right? Faye was just shopping in a store or was it Faye's store? No, they were, they were just shopping in a store, you know, in like, you know, a million dollar decorator style. And then there was like a coaster and Faye's like, oh, yes. I made this for Parris's apartment in New York and she loves it so much. And of course it has a beautiful vase on it while Eileen's trekking around Italy with a zip lock. Maybe help someone who needs it. What is Kyle going to put the vase? I know. Yeah. Yeah. So this is when they talk with all these vases glued to it. That was weird. So this was, yeah. But Faye's house is down with Faye, right? This is when Kyle sits down with Faye and is like, you know, just, you know, Catherine's like, I'm going to be at the barbecue. Da, da, da, da. He's like, no, I'm fine to talk to her. You know, it's such a painful time for me. You know, it was so hard for me to exploit my dead friends. So I don't really want to have that conversation anymore. That was in the past. If people talk about Nicole and I'm not offered a goose spread, I'm going to be really mad. And I don't know if I want to do that at your barbecue, Kyle. I just don't know. Faye Resnick is so ridiculous. And this whole thing of Kyle pretending, oh, you're going to redo my closet. And now let's get all the cast from Oceon. So you guys can fight all these years later. I have. Yeah, where's Marcia? Where's Marcia Clark? Why isn't she a gas member at this point? Oh, my God. Who's playing Marcia Clark, by the way? Sarah Paulson. Oh, my God. That's sure it starts this. It starts on Tuesday. I can't wait to see Marcia Clark's wig. Because that was the best hair ever. That tight little poodle perm. So it's called a poodle perm because it's so true. I don't know. That's a perfect way to skirt. I will never forget that hair, hilarious. And she's still sometimes a talking head on scene and or whatever. She's the legal expert, which is hilarious because she lost kind of an obvious case. But she doesn't have that hair anymore. And I can't even look at her now. Like, stop trying to make me take you seriously with your part and your mains. Get the poodle back, girl. Poodle. That's your look, Marcia. Like we all have our things. Ronnie has get out of here. Dave Coulier has cut it out and you have poodle perm. I'm not going to ever say get out of here again. Get out of here. And that's a promise. Just video audience. That is a promise, damn it. Okay. So next blah, blah, blah, blah. And so I lean again. We already talked about that. And lean says, I'm going to, I have to do this, my sister thing, honey. And he's looking at a map and just like, I have to hear this again. Yeah, look at his face. And she's legit crying now, which is so sad. And he's just looking at her like, can I please leave? And she said, okay, well, I can do this alone. He's like, okay, great. Call me if you need me. He's like, you want me to make a toast about all the dumbass things your sister ever did? I did a great job with my dad. He's downstairs running a show game while she's, he's like, whoa, I just got a gust of dirt all over my face. Where did that come from? Italy is so dirty. Someone just drive over a dust patch. Be nice to my sister, you gambling addict. Wait, who was that? Get out of my eye. You have a little sister eye booger. Sister eye booger. I'm allergic to your sister. We're horrible human beings. But at least we're not doing it onto me. If you ever die, I promise to scatter your ashes respectfully. Like, I don't know, like I'll mix them in with a think thin bar and feed them to a homeless person or something. I mean, something nice, you know. I'm not going to go on TV and do it. That's just tacky. Okay, so Kyle, what is she talking about now, this idiot? Oh, she's planning her barbecue. Kyle, phoniest, look, in a line of how many housewives are there now? Like, there's at least 100 housewives now. At least 3,000, yeah. Kyle is the phoniest out of all. And that's a humongous prize. She's acting all kooky. Look at me with a caterer. You know, when I do everything myself, I just can't talk to my friends. But this way, I can still talk to my friends. Yeah, I said it. I got a caterer. I said it. Kyle, you've always had a caterer. You've never done anything alone. And even furthermore, and the only reason I still have any shred of like for you, you get this shit off for free. Yeah. And by the way, if you're throwing a barbecue, that's pretty much the easiest thing. You just throw the meat on the grill and then talk to your friends. Or how about, better yet, have Mauricio do it. That's what husbands are for. Get him on the grill. Mauricio is not showing up on this show unless he's able to show an apartment. He is not coming back. I was about to say, unless Mr. Weber himself wants to buy a mansion, he is not getting on that grill. Poor Mauricio, every time he comes on this show, the internet's like, "You're fat! You're dumb! You're sleeping with transgender cookers?" He's like, "Okay, okay. Now for now. I stay home then." Okay, Kyle, I'll just be in here and you do whatever you want. Okay, babe? But seriously though, when you're doing a barbecue, that's like a really social kind of cooking. I mean, you're on the grill and people stand around and you chat with people. Or just hire that dude. She always had that party planner dude. Just get him to put something in the grill. Don't get a caterer. It really bothers me. Because I know if someone said it's going to be a barbecue, I'm like sweet, like hot dogs and hamburgers. I am down to get a salad. Like, I love that. And then you show up and it's like little plated food. No, it's like carrots and sashimi. Yeah, that's not right. Yeah, fuck off, Kyle. So, okay, that's better than getting out of here, right? Fuck off, Kyle. Fuck off with your faux barbecues. Okay, so next up, Katherine goes to Lisa Vanderpump's home. So, we've already talked about Hinky about to murder her. This was hilarious. I love that Lisa Vanderpump is kind of learning her lesson. She did not bring this bitch into her closet for the first time. Because normally that's what Lisa does. She's like, yeah. Welcome to my home. Here's a cup of tea. This is Rosio and this is the closet. My darling, my soul. And she's been shot on too many times. So, now she's like, okay, straight to the back patio with some tea, bitch. Yeah, and Lisa is now, she's like, she's turning that corner age-wise where you just become super nose. You can just ask all sorts of inappropriate questions. It's like all old people do this. How old are you? Okay, you married yet? Okay, you have a girlfriend? Okay, where'd you go to school? Okay, what's your job? Like, how much you earning? That's, it's like, you hit like a certain age and then you just, you just start asking those questions. And that's what Lisa's been doing all season. So, she sits down in Katherine and she's like, how old are you? Oh, 51. All right. All right. What's your sex life block? All right, are you shaved and all? No, okay. With big wireless providers, what you see is never what you get. Somewhere between the store and your first month's bill, the price you thought you were paying magically skyrockets. With Mint Mobile, you'll never have to worry about gotchas ever again. I mean, how many times have you felt like, oh, this has been such a great deal. And then at the end of the first month, you're like, what just happened? Yeah, you look at the charges. 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Have you ever seen a giant rubber ass that fits around your husband's head and sings to you at the same time? I have, darling. Rosalie Ray or classic Irae, which one is it? Lisa is just peppering her with questions, and I like that she's kind of standoffish with her too, because she doesn't know everybody just like turns on her, especially that she's asking questions. My favorite thing of the season is that people are mad that Lisa ask questions, because they literally, especially now that we're seeing her do it in every episode, I think you're right. I think it's just a corner she's turned where that's what comes out. I mean, what the hell is she going to talk about? But also, by the way, all these women are just as nosy as Lisa, but for some reason it feels wrong when Lisa does it, because she has heretofore been the paradigm of the paragon of class and etiquette. But the truth is that they're all nosy. They're all asking questions that they shouldn't be asking all the time. I mean, we'll see you later on. I think it's also a take down the queen thing, because they do it on every housewife. So Neenie is the queen, lover or hater. I 80% hate these days, but I've loved her as well. But when there's the queen, you take the queen down and every show they do it. And this one, Lisa's in the center. She's holding the center plastic diamond or whatever. And I think they're just always going to try and take Lisa down, but you can't take her down because she does not care, okay? She'll cry a little bit, but at the end of the day, she's still doing two hours a week, commercials for free. She's getting paid to do commercials for her shitty restaurant. So she didn't care. So she's asking her all these questions. And Catherine gets slightly offended. She starts getting offended. And like, would it be okay if I asked you your age? Yeah, of course it would. Why don't you try it? Well, Lisa did not do her her new patented line, which is, "And remember, darling, you can ask me anything you want." Well, she learned that that's, you know, basically offensive to people. I don't even think she knows what to say anymore. She's like, "Here's some tea I hope it doesn't offend you." Yeah. "I would ask you if you watch Sugar, but I don't want to ask too many questions. Now, tell me about your black husband." When she told her, "My husband is younger and black don't crack." And Lisa was like, "Oh, all right. I see." Lisa was all down with it. That's so hot. That's why those swans look so good. What? The black swans. I mean, Catherine's saying, "I like the swans, but they leave giant piles of shit everywhere." No, thanks. I thought that was funny. No one ever points that out. Lisa's house must just smell. Yeah. And also, swans are supposed to be like evil. I don't even know why Lisa's swans are so kind. Maybe it's because they were weird since like they were little swanlings. They're not kind. Signets or whatever they're called. They bite people. They bet Lisa and Kim, right on camera. But normally, they just bite. Everyone gets so close to them on the show. And I feel like in real life, you can't get as close to them as people get on the show. But they're pretty effective. We have that picture on our Facebook page of Lisa nuzzling with the swan, with Hanky. And then it probably took her wig off, you know, slapped her with it. We didn't see that part, you know, they edit. So Kyle's party is getting started. And Jolie is still dying of something. She showed up in her non-makeup makeup and a ponytail. Yeah. And now she has a poncho because she can't move her arms yet, which, you know, we've heard because tons of people have had boot drops on this show. So, you know, we know, not the same kind, but still. So she comes in in her poncho and her trademark white jeans, which still have not been washed. You know that shit still smells. Well, you know that denim dye is leading toxin and contributor to Lyme disease. I'm wearing my gold jeans. I want to be as clear as these jeans. I want my illnesses to be a clean slate just like these white jeans. You know that like Yolanda was there only for like a little bit. And you know, the reason why she left probably had very little to do with Lyme disease and more because she's like, we're the fuck of the hot dogs and hamburgers. There's not even a fabricer truck for this one. I'm out of here. No one is going to serve me an almond. Okay, I go. Yolanda is just wearing those white jeans. So when she dies and goes, she's like always ready to be an angel. She's like, I'm wearing this just in case they take me today. I show up to heaven where to prepare it. Yolanda is only showing up because she has to because she's on an ensemble show and refusing to shoot with anybody. So they make her come to five minutes of every event and she shows up in her poncho and her white jeans and her bad hair and tries to talk about illness. And then people laugh in her face and she leaves. I know. And then I love when Lisa Rinna shows up. Lisa Rinna starts talking to Yolanda like she's a little girl. She's like, and Yolanda's here. Look how good you look. How old are you now? Are you six now? Are you in first grade? Now you look great, Yolanda. Oh, I never even got to give you this lollipop after you got your teeth worked on. Here you go. How are you feeling? You feeling okay? Let me take your temperature and bend over. Get it guys. And Rinna is like so worried because she's making it all about her. I love that Rinna is making Yolanda's line disease storyline about her. That's kind of hilarious if you think about it. It's every episode now. And she's like, oh my god. I didn't know Yolanda was going to be here. I've said so much about her. What am I going to do? And of course Yolanda is looking at her like, you know, the fourth almond in Gigi's mouth. She's like, you want to die? I get you. I understand that I have heard at least Rinna is making talky talk about me. So, you know, I'm going to say something when I figure out how to work the Google translate. I'm going to say it good. Say it big. So let me say here, the ladies are searching down for a cough drop. Notes of care. I'm scrolling through my 90 page recap. So, the women are really rude with Yolanda. Obviously, at this point, they're just flat out of line with their line shit behind her back. Like to me, it's just, it's passed. Acceptable. It's gross now. But we'll get to that in a bit. But while right in front of her face, they're so rude to her. They're like, where your boobs, I got them removed. But you still have something there. No, they're gone. No, I see something. There's like some kind of boop. Oh my God, you're not wearing nail polish, Yolanda. They're all talking about her boobs and her non polish. And Yolanda says, I don't wear any product anymore because, you know, they can get to and they make all of these problems. And, you know, they can kill you. No fella, no Botox. And they all start laughing in her face at her. Yeah. They're all like, well, we're going to die any second now then. Because we're just 90% synthetic material at this point. And Renik goes, yeah, but what about me? I mean, what about my fillers? And Yolanda goes, you're feeling it when they hit your brain. What the hell? I think they've already hit Renik's brain, which is why she's always cackling so much. She's like the Joker. So good. Thanks for stopping by, lady. They hit you all right. Okay, I got. So now Vanderpump and the limo with Catherine. I think everybody is just prepared to just hate Lisa. And Lisa's just slumped in the limo like, here we go. Another time to make the donuts stunning. She's sitting in that limo and Catherine's saying, what does she say? Oh, it's going to be weird hanging around so many girls. Because I'm just not a girl's girl, which get over it. Okay. Every, you know, Erica says that. That's always okay. That's the biggest lie that anyone ever says. I've had this rant before many, many times. When someone says, oh, I'm just, I'm just like a guy. I'm like a guy in a woman's body. It's never true. You're a woman. And if you're always, unless you're actually transgender, okay, then you are literally a man in a woman's body. But like, when we're like, oh my God, I'm like such a guy. Yeah, you're like such a guy until you start like freaking out about things like a woman. Not to be all generalization-y, but you know, like there's- Well, for her, I more believed it because she's- I believe it more than Lisa. She's like a guy and I get it because I've met her husband and that would make the attraction make sense to me. But no, but you know what I'm saying? Like there's certain things that like generally men react to certain things in a certain way. Women react to certain things in another way. And I always find that it's the women who like to brag about how much there's such a guy that are like the biggest drama queens of all. And also the ones who are trying to buy five million diamonds. Guess who doesn't do that? Guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the best is, I love how Lisa was like when she's like, I'm like a guy in a woman's body. Lisa's like, that's what I always say. And then she's like, yeah, but I'm me. I, but I really am. And she's like, no, I am. No, I am, no, I am. That's my saying, man. You can't steal it. But I want to be a man in a woman's body. No, you can't, you can't- Lisa, I mean, I love Lisa Vanderpump, but you know, she, she- Catherine was right on this one. Lisa cannot, cannot be going around calling yourself a man on the guy and in a woman's body. Like that was just, it's not that that. There's no evidence of that whatsoever. I know. The entire town thinking that you're a drag queen does not make you a man in a woman's body. She's a gay man. She's wearing too much makeup. She could be a gay man in a woman's body. And that I believe. Yeah, she's just a woman. Lisa's a very womanly woman to me. Anyway, who cares? You're all women, okay? No one needs to be a man in a woman's body. No one needs that too much fighting on the inside. Yeah, all of me. I love that Vanderpump walked into this party. Not only holding a bottle high, she was holding the bottle like it's a new baby she's presenting to the crowd, but snotterly. Like this is the king, this is the baby king peasants, but it's a bottle of her own branded rose, which is so rude. I like that she's got so many ways to say fuck you to Kyle. She's like, thank you, darling. Now here's a plug for my wine. And she walks in and sees Faye and tells us. Ms. Resnick. I forgot why Lisa didn't like Faye. So I'm glad that they inserted the clip of Facing. I think that you're using brandy against people as a weapon, which was totally true, by the way. Faye had that one right. And then Lisa's saying, oh, he's been talking to Kyle. Well, I take great offense at that. Well, there I said it. Well, I'm offended. Well, OK, I still said it. I'm still offended. So Lisa's all mad that Faye's there and then Faye's, you know, Catherine's annoyed that Faye's there. Like she's surprised. Right. But Kyle is such an instigator. Kyle is like, she's the worst. Kyle's like, Catherine, have you met Faye? Here, talk to Faye, Faye, Catherine, Catherine, Faye. So you guys know things, so talk, talk. Even worse, because Catherine said she'd never met Faye. And last week, Kyle said, well, Faye wouldn't say if it wasn't true. She said it was something like that, where she said she met me. And then Kyle said, well, she said it, then she did. You know, something like that. So now Kyle goes, Faye, here's Catherine who says she's never met you. And then both Faye actually says, nice to meet you. And Catherine's like, yeah, yeah, whatever. And turns her back to her and Kyle says, now this is awkward. Kyle, you made this awkward. Yeah, exactly. And then Kyle says again, so Catherine, you know how you never said you met Faye? You did meet her right now, right? Because you had never met her before, right? You know how you never met Faye? I mean, that's her. Do you still think you met her or do you admit now that you've met her? Have you still never met her? Like, what is it? For Kyle, for someone who has spent a good amount of the season talking about how awkward it is when people ask her about her sister and how she can't believe that people don't respect certain boundaries or think before they ask a question or this and that. Here, she is just doing the same thing. I mean, she's not asking a question, but she is fostering a super awkward confrontation, okay, in an awkward moment. Faye just told you she didn't want to talk about it. And this is supposedly Kyle's best friend. And she just throws Faye right out in front of the, you know, tram or whatever. I'm trying not to say it into the bust anymore, too. It's a day of not saying things. Yeah. But she just keeps throwing her right out there. She's not cool with Faye. Like, she betrays her like five times in this episode. Oh, yeah. Well, because you know that Faye can take it because Faye's been getting... Faye's been dealing with pop culture coming at her for 20 years now. So if anyone can handle it, it's Faye. Faye. Faye Resnick. You don't get to be morally corrupt by nothing. Yeah. Faye's even worse than those people like Cynthia Bailey who says, "Welcome to my office in a Starbucks." You know? Faye is one of those people who's like, "Welcome to my store." And it's some other store. And she's just trying to pretend that she's making the floor plan for the store. So yeah, Faye's broke. So I think Kyle's just sick of loaning her money. It's the same reason she put Kim on the show. Yeah. I'm just sick of loaning these bitches money. Just come and play for a couple of days. You'll get $10,000 a day, okay? Get off my ass. You can buy drinks for a night. Yeah. So yeah, so she's trying to throw them under in Kyle. This is awkward, which she says I think five times in this episode. And Erica and Catherine are trying to get along. Whatever, who cares? So Catherine's wearing a fight. Blah, blah, blah. So Vanderpump just walks away. She goes, she says a lot of faith, but she says it with like a slider in her mouth. Like she's just so-- Hello. Yeah, she's like. Blah, blah, blah, blah, and walks inside into the sidebar. And Rin is in there like, what's up? How come you're not outside with everybody else? Catherine's met Faye. Oh my god, I said something about Jolie. Do you think she's upset? And Lisa, Lisa's like telling. I mean, I just favor as Nick really. And then Faye passes by and Lisa Rinne goes. So what's up with you two? What's going on with you two? Here there's some drama. How much she hates you. She said that you guys hate each other. And that like she thinks that you're like one of the worst people in the world. And that you're kind of like worse than even her former gay best friend, who she rescued from a phone booth. What's going on with that? What's up with that, Faye? And Faye's answer. Well, I think that at the time, we were both being really good friends. Two people who weren't active. Friends at the time. We're just both Mama Bear's dobermans at the door, barking at people trying to come into our friends' homes and take trays that I designed for Paris originally for her New York lot. And that's just not respectable, is it, ladies? And you know, Lisa was being very protective of Brandy, which was a great choice on Lisa's behalf, I think. And you know, like I said, just big barking dog. She was just a big female barking dog, a bitch, if you will. That's what they're called, a big, huge, protective bitch. That's all. And Lisa Vanderpump. Well, I didn't appreciate it, because Faye came at me, as they say, came at me with all this heavity, gibbity, gobity, gobity, whether a blah, blah, blah, chucky cheese face. I don't know, telling you know, just talk to her. And then Faye, I don't know if Faye is running for president of Cheesetown or whatever her chucky ass is doing, but she's talking like this with everybody all the time. I think that we're both adults, Lisa. And at this point, we should get past whatever our issues are and say, guess what, our big girl panties are on, in your case, granny panties. And let's pull them up and move on with her day. And Lisa, I love how all these women rip you apart, stab you in the back, stab you in the face, and then say, uh, it's time to move on. Well, I'd want to move on too if I was Faye Resnick. And Lisa's okay and says, well, I've allowed us both to move on, man. I think the only reason why Lisa was somewhat okay with moving on was because, you know, Lisa had essentially defended Brandy and, you know, on a certain level, she had to admit, yeah, I kind of, I chose the wrong side. Well, kind of, but Faye was defending Kyle, who's also an awful human being. And he was turning around and trying to use Brandy against Lisa. I mean, trying to choose who's the worst between, well, Brandy's worst, I think. So never mind, that was a bad sentence, but Kyle's also awful. And Lisa is only pretending to be her friend. So Kyle will stop being mean by her back. But let's, can we, can we back up? Because what's the deal with Lisa Rinna totally causing that situation to happen? That was, that was poor form of Lisa to be like, oh, you guys don't get along. So talk about it. Let's hear, why not? It's like, that's not, that's not cool, Lisa Rinna. I think the issue is that Lisa's draw, Lisa doesn't have anything going on. And so they're very paranoid now because they're not, they don't, they're not contracted the same way. So their contract can be up after six episodes. They have to keep shit coming and Harry's not going to shoot like he won't film. So all she's doing is shooting with her kids in strip malls or like getting her HUHA wax and like featuring, you know, whoever the waxer happens to be. So I think she just needs drama and doesn't have a life. So she's just causing it amongst other people so she can keep a job. That's what I'm guessing, but I don't know. I, yeah, I don't know. Maybe she's just, maybe she doesn't care herself. And she's like, you know what, I'll cause an awkward situation. It's fun. Also, she doesn't really like Lisa Vanderpump either. So she's, you know, she's kind of flying in the face of Lisa Vanderpump. The thing that bugs me about Vanderpump is she's very smart and funny, but she's not smart at all when it comes to reading a room and knowing who likes her and doesn't like her. She has no spidey sense about that stuff. So she doesn't even know that Rinna doesn't like her yet. You know, it's going to take her like a year to figure that one out. And I mean, Rinna is good at hiding it. But still, you know, those poor things. She thinks Kyle's her friend and Kyle, this is her every time she walks in. And then tries to get everybody against her the whole time. The bitch can't win, you know, but at the end of the day, she's floating on a, on a flamingo and fully clothed in a pool. So I've already won, darling. Can you believe this is my life on a giant pink inflatable hanky? I think when she was talking about, she's so shocked that the husband was younger, that Catherine's husband was younger. And Catherine got, you know, she was getting a little defensive. But I think Lisa was just thinking, darling, why would you marry someone who's going to live for so long? I mean, my time's almost done, you know. I mean, I've put up with mine, but what has he got? Four more months. I mean, come on. What are you thinking, girl? Mary Oda, darling. So then I think we then moved to dinner, right? Yes. And Kyle, right before we move, Kyle. This was awkward. Thanks, Kyle. Yeah, Kyle is either awkward or you're mean, which she said 10 times. So what does Kyle do? She puts Catherine down right across from Faye Resnick, like face to face. Now, I don't know if that was Kyle or the producers, but I think it was Kyle. It's Kyle. Kyle is not subtle at all. And if it was a producers, then Kyle wouldn't have announced, I made name tags for everybody. You have a seating assignment. Yeah, that's true. So Catherine is staring at Faye and telling us, I'm ready to go for her because no one talks about me and then gets away with it. And I've been past for 20 years and Erica asked her flat out. Well, wait, how did all this go down? I'm trying to remember this order. I think the attitude before this was discussion about Lyme disease, right? Yes. So I guess it opened. Let me see here. Because I think that Catherine's a down. She's mad. But then but first, people started talking about Yolanda. And then and then it was like, well, I wonder how Bella and Anwar are. At least it's like, well, I don't know. And then they're like, and then they're like, well, what does Muhammad say? And she's like, well, he says they don't have it. And they're like, what? And she's like, I don't know. I don't want to talk about this. She didn't even say that. She just said, no. And they said, wait, so he doesn't have it? Well, I don't want to talk. If Yolanda says, but what does Muhammad say? No, but okay, so he doesn't have it. She doesn't have it. Well, I don't, it's not right to talk about it. Oh, so he has it. Kyle, I'm not going to talk about it. Oh, wait, you're not going to talk about it? Yeah, does she have it? What does Muhammad say? I'm not going to talk about it. Shut it down, Kyle. And that's how to do it. I mean, I hope you get. I hope you get this in Italy. Yeah, because Kyle just kept on asking ask for everyone's like, oh, my God. Like she's so nosy. And then but Kyle is the one being like, so like, what sort of tick? It was at the same take or was it two different ticks? Like what happened? I don't want to talk about it. But like, were they like, was it at night? Was it a day? I don't want to talk about it. Like, is it like was on their leg? Was it on their chat? Like, Kyle, she said, stop talking about it. But Kyle is such a bad manipulator. She opened all of this discussion, baiting other people into it. So she opened it by saying, oh, Erica, Yolanda looks so beautiful because Erica can go back and tell Yolanda. She looked beautiful. Kyle has her hands clean. Then it leads, that's Rinna's Q line, which Rinna, of course, laps up. Well, people are talking. That's all I'm saying. People are talking and, you know, we should have talked about it. Maybe we should have and Kyle says, well, I thank you for not talking about it at my party. Because if you'd accused her of having much houses at my barbecue and then, you know, she's like throwing Rinna under the bus in front of Erica on purpose. She's like, I didn't say much houses. Rinna did. So go back and, you know, she's just not subtle at all. But of course, Rinna is still falling for it and going on and on. And blabby googling about this stupid Yolanda thing. And Erica's disgusted cannot. Can they not read Erica's face? She looks like she's going to barf on the table. I know talking about this. And Eric even says at one point, gross. I'm not talking about it. And they keep going on and on. And then it turns to the kids, well, what does Mohammed say? Well, he's, you know, I'm not going to go between the husband. Well, he's the ex-husband, Lisa. Kyle's terrible. So Kyle didn't get what she wanted. She didn't get the fight with Catherine and Fay at the beginning that she was trying for. She didn't get the fight between Fay and Lisa that she was trying for. She didn't get the munch houses she was trying for. So now she's just doing it herself. She's just so desperate that she's like, Do they have it or not? Say it. So they all avoid Kyle. And then Kyle still getting nothing from anybody because Lisa shuts her right down. So then, and by the way, I have to add Cindy C, Cindy C, all the case case. One of our listeners and friends on Facebook and Twitter and stuff sent us a tweet of Mohammed. Somebody said, I hope you don't. I hope you don't approve of Lisa Vanderpump talking about the mother of your children like that. I thought she was supposed to be your best friend. And he tweeted back no more. So I don't know what that means. If Mohammed said that no more. Yeah, I don't know if he dumped Lisa Vanderpump or what, but. Or maybe saying no more of this discussion. Maybe. I don't know. Who knows? Mo Ham. The man of many little plastic hair follicles, but not many words. Who knows? So I just had to interject that. So anyway, Kyle's not getting what she wants. So she goes, all right, who's posting playboy? Yeah, out of nowhere. It made no sense. I was like, oh, we're going to go back to this well. We got Camille grammar at the table and we got Faye Resnick. And we're going to go back to the playboy issue. I was like, OK, this should be good. Yeah, I think she was just trying to rekindle via Camille and Faye fight. And Camille's like, no, I'm not going to say anything. And Faye's like, you're a bitch. And that's the second time she's thrown Faye in front of the tram. Right. So Faye gets so uncomfortable or annoyed with Kyle. I'm not sure which that she just leaves the table. She's like, excuse me. I'm a grown woman and grown women occasionally need to powder their nose. So she leaves. And then, of course, they start. Someone gives Eric or her cue. And she's like, so what's your deal with Faye Catherine? And Catherine's like, I hate Faye goes on a Faye rant. And as much as I'm ready to hate Erica, still loving her because she's like, wait, so do you think that if you actually read the book, maybe it's taken out of context? And she goes, no, I'm not going to read that book. And Erica tells us, who comes to a fight unprepared? I mean, that's just stupid. Yeah, that was, I mean, after like an episode and a half of Catherine being like, she wrote about me. She wrote about me. She called me this. You call me that, da, da, da, da. And it's like, but did you actually read what she wrote? No, like, well, that's not fair. Not towards Faye Resnick to us. Like, you have to at least read it. That way you are like as full of ammunition to take down Faye Resnick as possible. Yeah, totally. And another thing that hit me about this is Catherine is basically hired to come on the show and fight with Faye. I mean, it's the OJ thing. I don't know why this is all linked to OJ. It's weird because Lisa Rina was up for the role of Chris Jenner in that OJ movie too. So it's like a weird world that they're all involved in this OJ thing. And she's basically famous because Faye mentioned her in that book. So she's, once she does talk to Faye and she says, I have to get, there's an elephant in the room and I have to talk about it. And you wrote this book and you mentioned me and I never would have been mentioned in any of that OJ drama. Had you not brought me into it? Like, yeah, but that made you famous. And now you're on a housewife show because of some stupid thing, Faye lied about 20 years ago. Why don't you say thank you, Faye? I don't think it really did make her famous though. For now it did. It made her famous enough to get here. I don't know who the hell this woman is, but I mean, it got her a job. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I guess you could say that. But like, I think if you spend 20 years being like, this bitch dragged me in and now I've got this reputation at lingers for 20 years. And it's like, oh, but now I get to be a housewife. That's not going to raise 20 years of anger. Yeah. And last week I was saying, last week I was saying, I don't believe that she's never read it. Because who here is that there's a book with them in it and they don't read the sections? To me, that's just stupid. Everybody. Well, we all have an ego, but now I believe it. She probably was like, well, I don't want to support her, you know? Because I think that like she, I believe that she didn't read it. Because if I'm sure if she had read it, she'd be like, oh, I read what you said about me. You call me this and you call me that. Which is what I would do. That's what I would do. Yeah, well, last week I did. Does it tell all about us and watching crap is what really happened? It's just, he's like, the sound was terrible. And I quit. The Matt Whitfield, please return my calls, by the way. You're coming on the show whether you like it or not. Okay, Matt? He's like walking around behind the Hollywood sign today. I saw it. Listen, Matt, I'm looking at your face. Look at him saying he's busy during recording times. Matthew, you're coming back on this show and you're going to talk to me, damn it. So anyway, yeah, that's what I was saying last week. I didn't believe it because I just don't believe that anybody could not read a book where they're mentioning it, at least the part they're in. But now I believe it because stupid Catherine looked so confused and dumb when Faye was saying, well, Catherine, I don't, I just don't want to talk about things from 20 years ago. And Catherine has nothing to give back. Yeah, she had, yeah, she was like, oh, well, fine. I was like, this is your big conversation you've been waiting for 20 years. And what you let out was like, there's an elephant in the room, Faye. And then that was it. And then talking all big while she's in the bathroom. Don't say you know me. If you don't know me, I'm like, okay, she's got bad girl season one on DVD or something. But she's talking all big and the fake gets here and there's no fight. This girl's an idiot, okay? What is the point of bringing old slags back from the OJ trial? If they're not going to be hit each other. I mean, come on people, stick with the theme. Yeah, I mean, she should have gone harder on Faye. But you know, I feel like it's just round one. I think there's going to be more. There's going to be more, more fighting to be had between the two of them. I love, I love that they just trotted out Faye Resnick as a punching bag for this episode. Like here, take care from all sides. But then she won, Faye won. She actually looked like the bigger person at the end of it. And she even gave her little chucky cheese, smiled to Kyle after Kyle said. Well, no matter what anyone says, Faye, you're a great girlfriend. You're the best friend I've ever had. I can call you at three in the morning, whatever, you'll make me a Paris tray. I love you, Faye, you're great. And everybody just looks at Kyle, like you dumb bitch. You just say under the bus like three times in this one episode. And then Faye gives her that little chucky. Oh no, first she tells Catherine. Do you feel better now? Yeah, that was, that was the best part was when Catherine has like her faux confrontation and face like, do you feel better now? She's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Kinda. And then she goes, well, you look beautiful by the way. Yeah, I love that was hilarious. I was like, I guess the British shoveled. She was. She goes for chucky cheese, smiled to Kyle. And I was like, Faye Resnick just won a goddamn episode. This is ridiculous. Yeah. Also, did you notice that Kyle was trying to recreate dinner party from Hell so bad? She had Camille and Faye there. She tried to bring up the Playboy thing. And then she had those gigantic martini glasses that Alison DuBois was drinking out of it. Camille cocktails. Camille cocktail. Oh, poor Kyle. Sorry, Kyle, another fail. But congrats, Faye. Nice work. Fail Resnick. Fail Resnick. Replacing failure Armstrong of seasons one and two. Well, at least you got a nice little Taylor Armstrong flashback. That was nice. So why don't we all talk about a Taylor Armstrong callback when Eileen's son jumped out of a suitcase in the first scene? That's true. That's very, very true. Why don't we now have like a little palette cleanser before we go on to pump rules and talk about some newlyweds the first year? Let's do it, Benjamoons. I am looking up my notes. So start on. Well, you know me. I don't take notes on this show. But because there's, I don't have, I don't really need, because I watch it. I actually take in the stuff pretty well. So why don't we talk about Craig and Brandon first. Our gay. I think we always start with them. You know, your feet are cold. They're cold. They are cold. They're cold. My feet. They sure are. You're just kind of cold feet. I just want to thank you for rubbing my feet this morning. I really appreciate it. It was really wonderful of you. Thank you so much. It's like overly, overly powdery eyes. You can put me in my feet. But you meant my feet are cold. So I'm finding their relationship to be very fascinating, because the more I see their, the more we see of their relationship, the more it becomes evident that Craig is totally irresponsible for some of the strange attachments to this crystal girl. Because this is like last week, Crystal got a laptop before Brandon did. And this week, Crystal's getting like, she's getting CC'd on the fertility conversation before Brandon. Oh my god. It's not even CC'd. I mean, the girl is, okay, she said she donated it. No, she said she'd be the surrogate. Okay, that's crazy. So she's this. Yeah, she's already the surrogate to their unborn child. And the thing is that Craig. So Brandon's sister has been trying to inseminate herself with Craig's man sperm, which is what all sperm is, really. But he's especially manly and beefy, at least physically. But he hasn't been sticking. So he has to take a sperm test, basically. And he doesn't want to go to the doctor. So Brandon brings home the little tests. And Craig has this pouty eye. I was like, do I really have to take it? You know, I'm really, I really want to thank you so much for bringing me this test. But I don't think I want to take this test. I think that maybe your sister should take another test. So why do I have to test my sperm? Also, I didn't like when he said, honey, I know that you want to have your own biological children. I know that's important to you. And he's like, yeah, it really is. Why? Why? Yeah. Why? Even though there's like millions of kids who need it, parents. Yes, I don't get it. And I know that there's a lot of people out there struggling and spending a lot of money for this to get their own biological child. I get it. But a gay baby is so different anyway. It's so non-traditional how you're having a gay baby anyway. You're basically throwing tradition out the window, which I'm all for, obviously. I am a home. So I'm for that. I just don't get like why it still has to have your sperm. Like, who cares? You're too big. Your eyes are too close together. I mean, granted, you know, you're for something and you've got a full set of hair. I mean, you've got a full head of hair. So that's something. But I mean, what? You're going to base a whole baby on hair. Well, it's a good enough reason for me. It's a good start. Yeah, it's a good start. So they test Craig's sperm and sure enough. You brought me a toast. Oh, I hate toast. Oh, it's so medical. Oh, baby. Do we have to do this? He says it's so medical. I didn't hear that. He actually said that. So medical. I'm just going to go to my room. It's so medical Brandon. So sure enough, like the sperm count is low, according to the test. So then Craig calls up his friend Crystal, his best friend. We've been best friends ever since, like, middle school. And I just love her. And he's like, yeah. So, like, we're not sure what's going on. And, you know, it makes me really sad that I like my sperm count is low. And Brie, we don't know about like Brie's egg. So, you know, would you do mind, like donating your egg if we don't use Brie's egg for our baby? So basically it's going to be her egg and her stomach. Oh, like her womb. So you're asking her to be the mother of your children, dude. You understand that, right, buddy? And when you're watching the scene, I was like, okay, you know, because it didn't seem like a big deal. And then like the next scene, he's telling Brandon, he's like, so I was talking to Crystal. And I was telling her my feelings about this. And he's like, why don't you tell me about your feelings? He's like, um, well, you know, because this way I can talk to her about it first. And then talk to you. And he's like, but I'm your husband. Yeah, but you're not, but like Crystal's like Crystal. But anyway, so I was like, but I'm talking to you now. Talk to you now. And he's like, so anyway, I asked Crystal if she would be the egg donor, if your sister couldn't do it. Is that cool? And Brandon's like, you have to talk to me about that first. I was like, wait, he didn't clear that with Brandon? That's crazy. Like you're making Crystal now. Crystal, I'm not only jealous of Crystal because she's your best friend. And you talked to her more than me. Now I'm jealous because she's the mother of our child. Oh my God. What the hell, man? You tell me. I mean, like, and I thought last week was bad when Crystal got the better laptop. But now like, Crystal, Crystal's now actually going to be the mother. Like, that's crazy. Crystal's really a wuss though. When he was on the phone with Crystal and she offered to give the egg and be the womb and didn't say, can I keep the computer? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. At least you should have for that. And then I loved how he's like Brandon. I mean, Craig was like, well, you know, I talked to her first because if she's not willing to do it, then it saves having a conversation with you. It saves a conversation. I was like, that is so fucked up. You shouldn't be afraid of having the conversation with your partner. You should be having the conversation with Brandon's that way you save having the conversation with Crystal. Well, what other relationships are like this? Hmm, maybe parent child? This relationship creeps me the fuck out. And I guess-- It's getting so parent childy. It really is. And I get marrying someone older and feeling like, you know, taking care of her. I get the daddy issues or the mommy issues and all of that stuff. But this is just bordering on gross to me. It's like you literally married your dad. And so now you're afraid to tell your dad so you're working things out so you can tell him just the right way that you crashed the car that you stole last night out of the garage. No. Yeah, I feel bad for Brandon. I think Brandon's great. I mean, Craig is really sweet too, but they have a weird situation going on. No, they're both very sweet. But, you know, every-- I guess every relationship has its amount of fucked up goodness in it. But this one, you can't just expect the child you marry, the 40-year-old child you marry, to suddenly become an adult. Because that's just not going to happen, okay? You have to marry another adult if you want that to happen. Yeah. So then speaking of-- Speaking of, really, it could be any other couple. But let's talk about the raging, the roid rage. He's not on roids, but he has roid rage. The two angry, straight guy in New York. Oh, yeah. Oh, he's so cute. Mac, Mac, Mac. All they do is yell at each other and Mac. Well, in this case, I actually think that he's-- I mean, he goes crazy, but I actually think he's right. Because she's essentially in a miserable place in New York. She hates her job. She's not following her dream. She doesn't have a plan. She doesn't know what to do. Like, she's exhausted. Their apartment's dirty. They go to Tampa for the weekend to celebrate his birthday. And that's where they had their most-- That's where all their oldest friends are. The weather is good. It's like their most cherished memories are from there. And so she goes there, and it feels great. And she's like, "You know what? Let's move here." And he's like-- Yeah, Tampa, the place where you can tell your wife things. Like, "Yeah, this grass is green, but I'm going to be driving on your green later." Yeah. In front of all your friends. Yeah, you can do that in Tampa. Well, the thing is, it's like-- I can understand his frustration. We're like, "Well, we moved to New York City because we both wants our life in New York City. And I'm on a career track here. And we want to-- This is like the ultimate challenge. And this is like-- This is what we're doing. And now you're already talking about going back to Tampa, your comfort zone. When the truth is, it's just a matter of you like just getting to a happier place. Oh, I could definitely understand his frustration. And I can understand her frustration, too, because he wasn't really listening to her. But she also needs to just-- Like, she needs to just like get a new job already and stop complaining. I think the only reason she wants to go to Tampa is because last week he told her, "You can't be a blogger because this is New York City, and you're just another pretty face." Whereas in Tampa, it's Tampa. So I think she's thinking, "Okay, fine." She's in bed. I'll be a blogger if we move to Tampa, because we can afford cheaper rent there, bitch. You know, that's how I'm seeing it. And she won't say that, obviously, because she's trying to like, you know, talk into it because it's the family and it's the fun. And not that I want to stay home and write a blog instead of work, which is, I think, really what she's going for. But then their fights get so terrible and so kind of-- They go to dark places. Yeah, they go to really dark places. I don't know about them. But who knows? Those bickers and couples, a lot of them last forever. I think they'll actually be fine, not the enough. I feel like a couple can only last if one of you is nagging the other one or being bickery to the other one, and the other one just sits back and takes it. Like, I feel like there has to be an aggro and a passive. I feel like, you know, they've been together for 10 years. I feel like they'll be okay, at least for a little while longer. They're trying to make it seem like their first year, everything's going to fall apart. I think they're going to-- I think they'll be fine if they do separate. I think that's still like another five or seven years away. I think if he realizes that he can own a home, he can own a two-story, gigantic home in Tampa, afford a maid, work half the time he's working, and work on his garage band loops. All at the same time, he'd be willing to move to Tampa. He just wants to stick to New York because he thinks he's going to be the next Jay-Z. In his spare time, that's how Jay-Z did it. Jay-Z-- Well, he still has dreams. He has dreams. Yeah, but I mean, you're not following your dreams. You're working all day and then sliding a couple of garage band loops together on the weekend. That's not really following your dreams. You're either going to follow your dreams or you're not. This whole backup job thing. When has that ever worked for anybody? I don't know anybody. Yeah, it's hard. I mean, it's really, really hard. If you have a full-time career, so then like-- If you have a full-time legit career as a lawyer and then you're trying to get a creative career going on the side, that's hard. Yeah, you can't do that. That means you're more passionate about making your money and affording your stupid small apartment in its city that's too expensive instead of following your dream. I get it, but still stupid. And I'd like to point out that there's a motherfucking leaf blower outside. Welcome to Watch what Crap is. You know what you got to do? You got to say your phrase. Get out of here. No, I stopped. Do you see? I haven't said it since I promised to stop saying it. Now I'm just doing this. I hear myself about to say it and then I go, like I do that teeth suck thing. Or I'm just like, yeah. So thank you. I have stopped saying it. So now let's move on to one of the bad couples that I really don't enjoy when they're on screen. Let's talk to the Persian girl and the guy. I can't skip. I'm just a girl. Look at me, I'm skipping on the beach, but I don't know how to skip right. I'm just a girl. They really creep me out. I think they're really an awful couple. They seem to be of all the relationships. I don't know, Adonis and the other one are pretty bad. But like those two, they seem like, I don't even know what their relationship is. It's like just based off of sex at this point. It's just sex. He's a controlling monster and she wants a daddy, but she's got like some weird trying to break away from her culture thing, but she's not breaking away because she just married a white version of what she said she was married to before. But now she still has to keep him enticed by using her sexuality for every little thing. And look, family bed. She's hot. And if you're, you should be enjoying your sexuality. And sexuality is a huge part of life. I'm not saying you should hide it, but she's just one of those girls who relies on it instead of a fucking brain. And it makes me crazy. She says they don't fight, but when they do, she likes it because she knows we could make up sex. I just kind of feel like there's like, not a lot of substance to this relationship. And again, yeah, she's like not working. I don't know, she's clearly a nutcase. Yeah, I don't know which one of them is going to murder each other first. - So dumb, why won't you be nice to my mommy? - And then she brings over her, they go to dinner with her best Persian friend. - Yeah. - And oh, she's the girl that I had my first girl on girl kiss with. That's getting the hot tub. - So they all go into the hot tub. And she's like, yeah, this is my jet. Yeah, I'm like trying to start a threesome with her husband. God, you are so fucking pathetic, lady. - And those tits that you have like, glue guns to the front of your chest are mortifying. - Sandbags, giant sandbags. - Nothing says desperate for attention and love that I didn't get from my father. Like those things. - Yeah, this is daddy issues. This is what happens with daddy issues. You sneak out of school to put on short shorts. Although I get, you know, girls are about to wear short shorts. It's not like, it's not like every girl who wear short shorts has daddy issues, but I feel like with her though, she does. - Yeah, she's too old. She's acting like a girl who's like a freshman in college just trying to navigate all of this craziness. But she's also a fully functioning, full grown adult. - And let's also not, you know, let's not overlook this awful husband of hers who says such condescending things. Like when they go to the Persian restaurant and a belly dancer comes out, he's like, he's like, see now this is a part of Persian culture. I like, which is so rude. You know, the implication being like, but the rest I don't, you know, like-- - Yeah, exactly. - Imagine saying that like, could you imagine, could you imagine vice head to my boyfriend? Like, well, now here's a part of black culture I actually like. It's like, could you even imagine how rude that is? - Yeah, especially if it was just porn. You're like, okay, here's some black culture I like. They're naked and fucking, I like that part. - Yeah, he's disgusting and he's giving her shit about her culture and her parents and all this shit, but she's doing the same thing. I think she likes that he's defying her culture 'cause that's what she's doing. So she has him to say, fuck you, mom and dad, 'cause she doesn't have the nuts to do it. Her way of saying fuck you is getting like, you know, two Lamborghinis putting on her chest and then, you know, marrying a white guy that they hate and won't respect them and then talking about three-some lesbian sex on her TV show. I mean, she's doing everything that she can in a passive aggressive way when-- and then she married a totally aggro guy to do it in the aggressive way. - Yeah, she's awful. There's something about them that like repulses me. Like they're like people from a softcore, "Skin of Max" movie, but in real life. - Yeah. - And like, oh. He's like, they're real. - I'm a detective and I'm here to figure out. It's like, oh, come on, interjecting, think, think, think, think, think, think. - Stupid "Skin of Max" movies. I saw Camille's. Oh, what was I gonna say about this stupid thing? Oh, someone posted on our Facebook, hilarious, a link to his Amazon book. He wrote a book and the bio says something like, I was a hardcore drug addict until I was 21 and then he puts the date down. He's like, November 21st, 1984 or whatever. And he said, this book is just, it's a quick read and extremely informative and it will change your life in seconds. And there's only one review, but it says, wow, what a quick read. It changed my life in seconds. It's like, oh my God, you people are too stupid to write your own fake reviews. - Yeah, yeah, idiot. Um, so now the last couple, I mean, here we are at the bottom of the barrel. Sedonis and the girl. - I still know her name. - I still, you know, I made an effort to write down everybody's name today, so I would know their names. But I couldn't even write down this dumb girl's name. - I know, it's like Brandon and Craig, Rob and Row, Persian and Rob. I think his name is Rob too. - I think it might be Rob. And then Adonis and then the girl. - Dumbass. - And she's like, oh my God. Yeah, seriously, I mean, dead eyes. Oh my God, she is so beyond dead eyes. So for them, so you always know, things are, this starts off in a bad place 'cause they're like in Chino or something like that, or Chino Hills. They're like, Chino Hills. I'm like, of course they're sort of like, like, oh, if it wasn't, like, listen. We're concerned that Phoenix might be a little too classed for you. Why don't we go to Chino Hills? - Your knowledge of every little suburb outside major cities fucking kills me every time. Like, you know, every rundown little suburb of every major city, so good. - Well, it actually said Chino on there. - Oh, it did. - Yeah. - Sorry, nevermind. - And I'm all impressed. - I also was a devout fan of the OC, of course, which is where Ryan Atwood came from, Chino. You know, they do things differently in OC than they do in Chino. - Yeah, we get our cars washed every day, very important. - Welcome to the OC, bitch. - Mm. - So anyway, so they're at Chino because Adonis is there. - Troy Klim is Lambert Greenish because the government stole them from him, not stole. They reclaimed them. - I went to jail because I broke one simple little copyright law and then the government took all my stuff. But now, like, I got a car back. - Oh, my God. - Yeah, and she's like, "I'm getting your Lambevos back, Adonis." - I'm like, this is the last thing that these two fools need, like two Lamborghinis parked in the driveway of their, like, mid-sized, like... - Who buys a Lamborghini anyway? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. - Drew of them. - Drew of them is the least darling. - And you live in like a, and like a, not tiny. It's, that's just like a, like a standard, like, I don't even know how you describe that sort of house. It's like a plan community. - It's a little box. - Yeah, it's like a little plan community, like around the lake, like, you know... - Little boxes on the hillside. Little boxes for the tiki-tiki. Little boxes on the hillside, and they all look just the same. - Is that another song? - It sounded like it was like the Kim Richards children's hour. - That was Kim Richards singing the song from Weeds. That's how Weeds started, because it started in one of those communities that was just all those little stucco houses that all looked the same. - Yeah, like those planned communities where it's like, the houses are like not big enough to be big mansions, but they're bigger than like a normal or like middle-class home. But they're just generic, and everyone has the same... - And you have to drive to the mailbox. - And so it just is like ridiculous to have like two Lamborghinis in like a very, I don't know, my own pet peeves here. And of course, I sit here, I talk as if like who should have one, whatever, and I'm sitting in my one bedroom apartment. - I'm like, I know this community is because I've always lived in one, so I know them. That's what I know the details. You drive to the mailbox because they're like, okay, the mailmen are going to get confused, because every single house looks exactly the same. So here's just a giant wall of boxes. They're going to put your old mail in. Okay, see you there. - He's driving around his Lambo, and I'm thinking you poor thing. I'm so sorry about your penis, because two Lamborghinis, I mean, nothing says like a little turtle penis, like a little turtle head that just pokes out every time it needs to make a baby, like a Lambo. - What do you think about this guy is just terrible, between, you know, it's not nice to make fun of someone's physical features that they can't help. So we won't touch this hunchback on his general, you know, his general genetic situation. But the goatee can be fixed, we can make fun of it. - We can make fun of that. - We can make fun of the goatee, all right? And we can make fun of it, that idiotic smile on his face at all times. And we can make fun of his stupid two Lamborghinis, and you know, and then he's-- - You're basing who you're loving, based on what they look like, and your freaking wife has to write her second vows, and can't take out the words, because she's like so conditioned. She can't take out the words, I promise to never gain weight, and to always keep myself together. - I mean, if he's judging women like that, then I see no problem judging him like that. - Fair is fair. - Fair is fair. He's like driving along, and he's working on a stand-up routine, and then his Lambo like dies on the side of the street. And then basically he has to like, push his Lamborghini back to his planned community. And I was like, this is exact, this is like the metaphor for his life. Like, here you are, thinking you're so cool, so awesome you Lamborghini, it doesn't even work. - Well, your dad passes by you in a Lamborghini limo, you know, like a super stretch Lamborghini. He's like, bye idiot. - So then I almost had Apollo, but Adonis goes to the club, he's gonna do his new routine. It's gonna be a clean routine, because you know, the dirty routine was like too easy, like it's dirty. - Oh god, when they showed his dirty routine, that was so stupid. He's like, you know what you gotta do, you gotta pop, beep. And that's what I said, pop, beep. - Look what you gotta pop inward. What does that even mean? And then there's no laughs in the audience, there's only one guy going, like his dad in the back, like the dad couldn't even get his girlfriends and his wife to laugh at him. - You suck dude. - Yeah, so then he goes, he does his clean routine, and it is so hacky. He's like, "Soul, I just got married the other day." And so the thing is, when you have a wife, it's, you know, I didn't say we were happy, you know, I think when you're married, you have to like, it's a good process of learning just how wrong you are at everything. Like, oh god. He's like, you know, like, you know, there's con, like marriage is all about compromise. She tells me what to do, and I do it, and I compromise myself. Didn't dumb. - Shut up. - It was so bad. She's like, "That was funny, I'm holling." - She is, this girl is beyond hope. She says, "While Apollo changed his set for me, that's like a really big deal." - "Lady, you have spaghetti and chicken at your wedding." - "Nothing he does for you is a big deal." - "Yeah, please stop." - "Please stop being thankful for the bad jokes that this man is failing at on stage." - "Oh, thank you." - She always makes you squeaky noises. - "No, I just like liked it." - "I've really noticed a big difference in Apollo since he hasn't been talking to his dad." Like, he listens more, and like, he's not fucking as many hookers now. Like, he's really trying. - I'm just really trying. - "That girl is like a really sad children's audiobook, like, when the tape player slows down." Like, she sounds like a rubber band, "A big block." - "So then Adonis' dad comes in, and he's like, "Oh, there's my dad." Like, "Whoa, that's crazy, it's weird." - "So guys, I have a dad, and like, I mean, we haven't talked for a while, and there he is, so." - "Good job, good cover, dude." - "He just stands there on stage sweating and smiling for no reason." - "Blink, blink." - "You really rolled with the punches there." - Yeah, and then he says, "Well, it's important for my dad, 'cause he's a comic too." And then they cut to the dad's comedy, and he's like, "Yeah, I'm polyamorous, and I've got a wife and a..." - What'd he say? "I've got a Spanish wife." - "I've got a Mexican girlfriend, and I've got a black girlfriend, so it's great. I get to have a lot of barbecue burritos!" She's like, "She's that good." - "I don't really like burritos, and I love how Adam is saying..." - "I don't want to have barbecue burritos." - "Oh, Paul, if Adam is loves me, he won't eat burritos anymore." - "Burritos ain't women." - "I like burritos, I just don't like barbecue burritos." - "I'm loving the evolution of your dumb, whore voice, whatever." - "Because it's weird, it goes in this very quiet, it's like, it's like Toya voice, but then it goes in this quiet, ultra nasal thing, and she does this thing where she slips up into like a falsetto a lot, where she's like, "Well, I like what you're doing, man. I got it." - "No, no!" - "I need to help me with the 14 hookers." - "I'm having sex with a new fucking sera app." - "I need to trust you." - "I'm having sex with other condoms." - "She's the worst." So I think that's how this ends, right? I mean, I don't... - No, the big, no, it ended because Rob and Row were in like a huge fight, and she's like, "Well, I'm married with..." You know, she's like, "I want to move to Tampa." And he's like, "There's no compromise. You keep asking me to compromise. It's either we live in New York, we live in Tampa. There's no compromise." She's like, "Well, but we're married. I wouldn't be in a situation where Mary's like, "Well, why don't you go to the courthouse? I will gladly sign the divorce papers." And she's like, "Ah!" And then it's like, "Next week." - "Next week they fight some more. Who cares? Get a divorce. Do me a favor and get a divorce, okay? You don't win anything anymore for being married forever for no reason. You don't have kids. All you're going to do is fight your whole life. You're both morons. This girl wants to run a blog for a living. That's hardly done. And this guy wants to be a Jay-Z on the weekends. Jay-Z did not make his career on the weekends full. He dedicated his entire life to it. You're both hopeless. Get out of my face. Listen, I say next week, Bravo should just show us an entire hour of Rob cleaning shirtless again. And then I think we'll all be happy. Listen, there's a lot of fuckable stupid people. Okay, we live in Los Angeles. You can still want to fuck somebody and hate their guts and want them off of your TV. I enjoyed the shirtless interlude. Speaking of, well, at least he's doing something right. Yeah, something. So now let's go on to Vanderpike. Speaking of stupid people. Speaking of non-appreciated shirtless interludes. Let's go to Vanderpump Rules. So Vanderpump Rules, we were in Hawaii. We're back at where we left the kids. They were at that bar. Lala had just gone to a fight with Brittany. And Lala was crying out on the street. And Brittany and, like, Jax was basically throwing Lala under the bus. And Jax is covering his tracks. And I love the way Jax talks. He's like, did I used to be a liar? Absolutely. Did I cheat on Stasi? Yes, I did. Am I now? No, blink, blink, lie. Yeah. He's, like, the worst liar. Do I still lie? Oh, wait. Do you want to drink? Do you want to drink? Let's get a drink. This show is so funny. The way that they have a crane shot. First of all, who does a crane shot on a reality show? That's nuts, okay? Yeah. So they open with a crane shot flying down. And you see the sign of the place. And it's called Cuckoo Coconuts. I don't know why that made me laugh so hard. Because it was the working title for this show. I laugh so hard. I'm, like, a crane shot just to show us Cuckoo Coconuts. And then they go in. And Jax is telling Brittany, look, if I wanted to have sex with her, I could have gross, gross, okay? And then Lala's out on the street pretending to cry. And no one's even coming out to say hi. She's like, okay, I'll just be out here on the curb because I'm crying. And nobody comes out. Yeah. Because you know Jax has better coke. So Jax is in there saying, I'm with Brittany because I chose her and I love her. And I wanted her. You chose this bitch because she was on Instagram and now suddenly showed up at your apartment. You did not choose Brittany. Brittany chose you. And she will not leave until she's good and ready. So have fun with that one. Yeah. Yeah. Well, well stated. So then they go and they go to the pool and they're all like doing beer bongs, et cetera, et cetera. I just wrote, you're 40. Yeah. They're doing beer. I was more like Max. I was like, you can't be doing beer bongs. He's got, he's stupid. I'm sorry. Like you got, you're on antibiotics. You can't be doing beer bongs. Yeah. I'm totally fine with it. Max in his blind man sunglasses and his obvious like 30 oxycodone or whatever that he, or oxycontin or whatever that he brought with him. Cracking me up. This guy gets further and further away from the, from the light, you know. Come towards the light, Max. Come towards the light. So then me, well, Lala, she's gone back to the hotel room to console herself. She's in bed with no makeup, which is nice. We're very, very little. I was like, Lala, I think you should do that more often. I know. What a gorgeous girl. Why does she wear so much makeup? She's so beautiful without makeup. And also the bravest person on Bravo. Yeah. I don't think we've seen that. Even at the Beatless party on the Real House, was it Atlantic people still wore something? Yeah, exactly. So she's lying in bed. And so her crew of like the youngsters of like Max and Faith and James come in to check in on her. Yeah, the actual, the actual waiter, age waiters. Yeah, they're like the the Scooby. The Scooby, what's the Scooby crew called? You know, the Scooby gang or whatever. They come in and they're like, Lala, like, why don't you come on? Why don't you play with us? And she's like, Faith, babe. You were just as naked as I was. Like, I don't get it. I don't know that. And she's right. Like they did not go after Fifth. They only went too long. Why is she mad at Faith? There she wasn't mad at. She wasn't mad at Faith. She's like, Faith, here's the thing, babe. Babe, you were just as naked as me. Faith is like, yeah, but I don't talk. And I also don't like rub my crotch against every guy that works here. Yeah, I'm not a chief. Everybody up in the first place, you dumb dumb. Yeah. And Lala was like, I just saw my mama. I just saw my mama. I mean, mama. So it's going, mom. And I love that James. So James is trying to be like all support. She's like, he's like, babe. What's wrong, babe? He like got total Cheshire accent. What is it? You basic, bitch. What is so basic about your tears? They're so basic. Isn't that cute, bitch? Keep crying, bitch. I've got a heart on it. Good. Look at my supported face, bitch. Last one, you'll see, bitch. I'm jealousy. I'm jealousy, your mom, because you got to suck on boobs. Yeah, babe. That's right, girl. I'm going to spit on a door. That support of you means I supported you. She's legit sobbing at this point, calling her mom. She doesn't seem to be faking it to me. And you know, I'll call those people out, but she's-- No, I'm sure she's serious. I'm sure she's at her wit's end. I told Jack, look me in my eyes. And he did. He looked right in my eyes and lied. I mean, that's how serial killers operate. Serial killers have more energy than Jacks and more focus. Jacks is too stupid and lazy to be a serial killer. No, he couldn't even do it. He'd be like a-- He'd try and kill somebody, but they wouldn't even die. And then he'd still get caught and go to jail. He'd do it like right in front of the Bank of America cam. He'll be like killing someone at an ATM or some shit, idiot. So she's crying. Then they show Max who's wasted and he's kind of laughing and catches himself laughing at her and then stops, which was funny. Yeah. And then meanwhile down at the pool, everyone-- Oh, we have to say one more thing. James, she says, "I'm just sad." Oh, yeah. Okay, well, they're consoling her. And James crawls into bed with her and he pulls off his pants. He's like, "My pants are wet, baby." That's right, good. He's like, "Ooh, get off of me. You're disgusting." He's like trying to get laid whilst he's sobbing. Yeah. Class. And then she kicks him out. That was great. Class. It was-- it's literally like watching an '80s teen movie. Like, everything just goes wrong. Every time he tries to get with her, something goes wrong and he can't get with her. Except you're usually rooting for them. Yeah, exactly. He's the worst. Exactly. If Ducky acted like that, pretty in pink would be five minutes long, okay? I don't even know who Ducky is. So everyone, I know it's John Carr. Down at the pool, everyone's having so much fun and drinking, having like last day. I think it's happening in Michael Hall, actually, was Ducky. Oh, was it? I thought it was-- Just so no one's screaming at their podcast right now, because-- I don't know. I still haven't seen Pretty in Pink, but apparently it's being re-released this month. You best go, Benjamin. It's like 30th anniversary. It's an extremely important '80s movie to have in your back pocket. It's the Lisa Vanderpump story. Pretty and pink. So everyone-- That would have been called-- Pretty and pink is my color. I will let you go on now. I swear to God, I will stop over talking to you. So everyone's at the pool, like having so much fun. And then they cut to Ariana and I was like, hmm. So then she was like, well, I'm just like, got this tension. And you know, it's easier just to apologize and get it over with and move forward than it does to do. Oh, yes. So I'm really apologizing to her. I'm gonna have to have a band-aid on that. I'm gonna have to have a band-aid. So she goes and issues a faux apology. And she's like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I offended you. I'm sorry. Like one of the typical things. She's like, I'm sorry if what I did-- If my conversation with your mother upset it, upset it. [LAUGHTER] I almost corrected myself and I realized it was accurate to Sheena's car. [LAUGHTER] And then, she's-- And I love that. But then what's funny is that Ariana's like, well, this doesn't feel like a sincere apology to me because you should be saying, I'm sorry that I did it not. I'm sorry if what I did upset you. And she's like, but I did mean what I said. And she's like all mad. She's like, I don't understand why she won't accept my apology. I'm like, well, you're the one who told us it was a fake apology. You literally said, I don't want to apologize. I have nothing to apologize for, but I'm gonna do it anyway because I know it's what she wants to hear. Well, that's the problem. You see the bitch? Sheena's an idiot. All right, I'm sorry that you're dating somebody who's clocking. And like, I'm sorry your mom is so worried about you when I texted her that he was killing people on the side. I'm like, I'm sorry that you're mad. I'm like, that's Charles. I'm like, it's so bad. She's so stupid. They're having bottle service right outside of this. And Shay, she's wearing like a Fred Flintstone Hawaiian shirt. I mean, this guy is just so misguided. He is, he is, he is like a dog. Like, wait, like he smells his own on the other side of the door. Tail wagging and just like ready to pounce on that cart of alcohol. He literally goes, yeah, I want to drink the heart alcohol. I know because he's not an alcoholic if he just gets drunk on beer. These people are seriously. By the way, side note, this is this is this is this is really very nothing to anything but talking about Shay reminded me of when he went and worked out with Alfred, like the tall, hot black eye at fit arts. I don't know if you noticed, but in the flashback of Lisa with Muhammad, Alfred was in the background there. So there little Easter egg. Oh, a little Alfred egg. Well, Alfred egg, my best kind of egg. So poor Shay, I'm not even convinced that it's the same guy because he never has any idea what's going on. Like, he just keeps getting recast with other dogs. He's like Beethoven, you know, they can make as many Beethovens as they want. But you're like, that cannot be the same Beethoven. Like how long do those bugs live, you know? I know. So he, so he's like, he wants the heart alcohol and he's like drunk. And she is like, I'm drunk. And he's like, I'm not drunk. I'm not drunk. Because how can you tell? Because you know who's wasted? Everyone else. What that's supposed to mean. And then Shayna, of course, is not mad that he's an alcoholic who's drunk. That's not even why she's mad. She's mad because she goes, I need a rock to listen to my fight, to listen about my fire. With Ariana. But when he's no rock, he's like so fat. Like he's drunk. I'm like, that's why he's drunk. Do you think he wants to listen to this shit? You have created an alcoholic lady with your terrible personality. If that guy needs anything, it's to run. I mean, literally run. But also like run, you know, away. But Ariana literally needs a rock. She needs like something she could hold on it. She just needs a rock. It's on her level. I needed rock and then Shays snorted at all. Stupid Jacks was supposed to save me. So the next morning, Tom, number two still has not gotten laid. God, bless it. Now, I know that anybody born in the brought God. What I'm trying to think of my parents age. But like the 50s-ish or before 50s-60s or before is mortified by the show. Because they say things like, we still have not consummated this engagement. When did that become a thing? Consonating an engagement. It's not supposed to even be having sex until you're married young man. Yes, young man. Have you ever gone to church? Yeah. I just imagine my meme all cutting your thighs. Meanwhile, same morning, I'm happy to announce that Sheena's oversized glasses have made their triumphant return to the show. She was wearing like the sort of glasses that get handed out of bar mitzvah by the DJ. Like, hey, what about my glasses? Is that a thing? Oh, yeah. Like, it's like the inflatable guitars and oversized sunglasses that are like Benz, Jewish, and 13 or whatever. Yeah. Oh, yeah. The classic party favorite. I mean, 15. Wait, 15? Is it 15? It is 13. 13 is 13. How was right the first time? Chincinera's is Mexican. Sweet 16 is for rich kids. Yeah. I had none of those. Thank you. But I did get to go to a Mexican- my best friend David Bowman was a Mexican Jew. So I got to go to his like bar mitzvah yera or whatever. It was fun. It was like a Mexican. He's like Mauricio. Yeah, but you know, way poorer. Yeah. So I have to say, first of all, her goddamn son, I'm sorry for saying goddamn. I don't know what's wrong with me. Her glasses matched her iPhone cover, which killed me because you know, she does that shit on purpose. She's like, oh my God. She's like that taller that target $5 section with all those iPhone six cases. She's like, oh my God, I have glasses this color. We're getting that. I like that. And then I liked how Tom number one is complaining. He wakes up. His eyes are still half close. He's just opened his eyes and he's like, babe, it makes me really bad because I'm thinking about Shida. That's what you're thinking about when you wake up. I would be mad too if that's what I woke up thinking about. He said, I don't like like I've been thinking about it, babe. Look, look, not Kristin. I think like it's. She's just projecting her own problems in her own relationship on me. And I thought that was the funniest thing. She's not like, like, Tom is like taking too many pounds and drinking too much. And he's gained 50 pounds. And Harry on his mom, it's like, what? What has happened to you? Oh, no, I was saying sorry. She was projecting everything undershay. Well, she probably is. But, um, well, I mean, the thing is this, though. Here's Shina's issue. Her issue is really that Ariana is like a killjoy these days. And, and Tom and Ariana just aren't like, fine. And they're wanting out Kristin now. And they're like, not fun. And, but instead of like feeling it, but you know what though, Kristin was super shitty to them for so long that I should probably respect them. And, you know, she's just like, you know, she's angry. But I get why she's like annoyed at Ariana for being a killjoy. But she has to. Well, she's going through that thing where when you're friends with girls and if most of our audience are girls. So you guys know what I mean. When you're friends with girls, you put so much time into these friendships. And then the girl finds a boyfriend and she's like, bye. And she leaves. It's like all about the boyfriend. Shina is not that girl. Shina still lives like a single girl. She does whatever she wants. She parties out by herself. She still has a real closeness with her girlfriend. So she doesn't understand what it's like to get into a serious relationship and then move on from your party friends and all that stuff. So she's like, what are you ignoring? So her, just like a teenager, it's like go after the boyfriend instead of talking to the friend about it. She's so wrong in this situation. There is nothing. She's done nothing right. Especially when they prove that those texts were never sent from the mom. The mom's like, hey, Shina, I hope you're having a good Monday. And she was like, I would have Tom would stop raping puppies in the put down shelter. Or whatever. And Shina keeps changing. She keeps changing like the argument. She keeps on saying, well, I'm aren't everything I said. Tom is cocky. It's like, no, the issue is not whether you think Tom is cocky. That's fine. You're not like, it's totally inappropriate for you to text that stuff to like his to Ariana's mom. Like, what would like, she would have flipped out if someone had texted her mom about Shae and been like, by the way, I think that like Shina and Shae are really obnoxious these days. And you should know, like, that's totally inappropriate. Listen, we have to have a talk. You sent my mom a frittata a mosey and I passed. I don't even know what a frittata is, is that a hat? Why are you sending my mom omelette emojis? Tom to is going to talk to he's really pissed at her. I mean, no, Tom number one, I wrote Tom number two. God damn everybody with the same name. But Tom says, at the end of the day, I knew who my real, real, real, real friends are. Okay, well now that we've got that settled adult. So then Lisa calls, she wants to know, how's Max? How's Max? And like he and James are drinking in bed. So that's going well. And then we go to the beach. Like I'm just waking up. Darling, it's 10 20. They're on vacation in Hawaii. What the hell do you want him to do? Yeah, exactly. So then they all go to the beach and they're like drinking from their suntan lotion things again. And then Brittany, Brittany has this salient observation. She's like, one time I did that in a perfume bottle and the alcohol tasted like perfume. Thank you, Brittany. So much for contributing to this to this conversation. That girl's such an idiot. Brittany is so excited though. This girl never thought she'd be in Hawaii. She never thought she'd be out of the coal mines. I mean, here she is in a foreign country with a bunch of famous. We won this war, y'all. This is our country now. She's like having the time of her life. I mean, this girl won the lottery granted it has terrible breath and man boobs. But still a lot of reason lottery poor Jacks. I just wrote down poor fat Jacks. Poor fat Jacks. He's got when did he turn into Joe Judas? Yeah, it's bad. That shot of him ironing later on in the episode was not good. Only because he's supposed to be a model. And he's not like a normal guy. He's got his jock strap. He's wearing a jot. He's wearing the gayest jock strap. It's like baby blue and green. Shut up, Jacks. He's wearing this jock strap on camera because he's just trying to get as many new scenes as he can, which is dumb-founding to me. And he's ironing, trying to get his dick lying in and everything. Meanwhile, his tits are dangling off of his body. I just love it because I hope that he's sitting at home and being like, "Wow, maybe next season I'll put on a fucking shirt." So anyway, back at the beach, there's some nice foreshadowing because Jacks, a bunch of them are surfing and one of the toms is like, "Whoa, Jacks, you saw the sunglasses from the hotel room?" And he's like, "Yeah." I was like, "Ooh, foreshadowing." And meanwhile, out on the sand, Lala's wearing her thirsty ass bathing suit, which is just basically like three strings. And of course, this totally makes Katie mad. Katie, who's wearing like a dicky on the top and like some, you know, some bottom. She's wearing like a burka-kini. Yeah, she's like, "That's what the girls in the rap videos wear." Which was such a, like, it was a very, that was like a very charged comment. There was something about that comment that I was like. But also, isn't that like your dream, Katie? Do you remember, do you not remember telling us that you're a model? Like, what the hell else do you think models do? They do rap videos, they do music videos. That's what they do. Yeah, so then Lala and she, you know, like chatting. And I forget what they're chatting about, but they're just like, you know, Lala was talking about how like fresh air she was. And she knows, oh, she was like, "Listen, I know what it's like to be the new one, to be the one that everyone thinks is a slut." You know, and I was like, "Uh, well, okay." I know what it's like to be you. Like, everyone thinks you're a slut. And like, you fuck that married guy. And then like, you know. She's like, "Okay, actually, that's not me." So, but I love how like Sheena is acting like she's some sort of mentor. I'm like, "Listen, Sheena, drop this big sister act because it was just last night when you didn't corroborate Lala's story and made her look like a jackass." You know, when she was talking about how Jack's was telling her that she wanted to fuck her. So don't like act like a big sister. You literally called her a whore on national television on her first episode. You walked right up to her and called her a whore and called her a yacht girl. You mean, mean, mean girl. You see that just goes to show you. You can go through shit, but that does not make you a nicer person. It makes you worse. Yes. So, exciting news back in Los Angeles. We're back in Kristin's apartment. And who should come walking down the hallway than our old friend? Stasi's mom. Yeah. Stasi's mom wearing anchorman makeup. She is. And a sax sweater dress. She is fully caked up in sax. Yes, it's an actress. And she is here. She's Stasi's back. She wants to rectify things. She was so wrapped up in Patrick that she ruined all her friendships. And now she and Patrick are falling apart. And every time she says Patrick, I'm thinking of the guy from SpongeBob. This makes me laugh her with like the starfish. So, she's trying hard, but I do have to say her defense. Fucking hilarious. Oh my God. She was so funny. I was really glad and I was not that big of a fan. And I haven't really missed her on this show. No offense, Stasi. Well, that's because last season is really funny. Oh my God. Because now she's like, oh yeah, I remember how I'm supposed to be. I'm supposed to be just like a snarky bitch. Instead of someone who's acting like she's above everyone. Like, so what was actually kind of cool is that she was pretty candid about everything. She was like, yeah, basically I was dating a guy. And I sent him a video of me masturbating. And then he started sending it around. And Sheena had it. And Sheena started showing it to a bunch of people and was laughing about it. And I was really pissed off about it. So when Katie said she was going to Miami with this girl who was showing around my sex tape and like having so much fun with it, she's like, it really pissed me off. In fact, she goes, I don't know. She's like, it's a big deal when you're going to Miami with the girl who just showed my sex tape to everybody. That's a big deal. That's a really big deal because that she even, one of the first things she said in the scene, she goes, Christian, remember your old gross nasty apartment? Disgusting. Yeah. But that being said, don't act sassy as if Sheena had a sex tape or she was pleasuring herself. Don't act like you wouldn't show it around everyone. Be like, oh my god, did you see this? Like, what sort of fingernails are those? How do you not even get a money before you stick it in there? She'd left a couple of things out of here. First, I'm really glad that she told the story because so far I think it's just been on like Instagram or like it's been gossip. So I'm glad that she told the story. She didn't finish it though. A, I love that they showed Sheena in Miami acting like she won because she did win, which is so housewives. I hate that the waitresses are like housewives now, but it's also kind of hilarious that Sheena ended up beating Stasi in the end. So yeah, Sheena, because Stasi, you totally deserved that one. And B, she didn't finish the story because Lisa Vanderpump paid that guy and erased the video. She paid him off. So that's why Lisa is always saying, I've done so much for her. She knows what I've done for her. That's what she means. She paid this dude off to get rid of the sex tape and then Stasi still turned on her. And apparently Stasi is still talking all kinds of mad shit on her. Literally, shake us fuck podcast. So I just wanted to point that out because I like that she's kind of honest, but doesn't finish the story. Whatever Stasi wouldn't expect anything less. But I love how they eventually wind up, Kristen and Stasi are now talking about like, could you imagine that Katie got engaged and we weren't there. And the two of them are crying. I was like, these two bitches, these two, these two sitting here crying. I mean, I just got. The only one with her original boyfriend that they never gave like a shit about. Yeah, now suddenly kind of one. I mean, of course, I don't know how long that's going to last. If you're not fucking your fiance, how often are you going to hug your husband? That's not, that's not looking like a long laster right there. Yeah, yeah. But you want to just stick with Stasi and Kristen. I mean, yeah. Yeah, why don't we like it? Well, sure. We'll just take care of the Stasi and Kristen stuff and we'll go back to Hawaii. Sure. Yeah, because my notes are nuts. So I think we should just because we're going to be here 20 hours. But Kristen and Stasi go to dinner and Stasi is doing so good at being nice and you can really see her trying. She's like, Kristen, if she walks in and Kristen's looking at herself in her phone from the strangest, strangest angle. I mean, poor Kristen, she looked like a freaking alien in her phone and she's like, I look pretty hot today. I'm like, no, Kristen, don't just don't. And Stasi, wife, this is so Hollywood. Stasi walks in and goes, are you periscoping? Yeah, no, just looking at myself in the mirror. And she goes, well, you look really pretty. She's like, oh, y'all thanks. Seriously? Seriously. So Stasi is trying to be so nice. And she goes, you pet like a bomb place. Like this place is chic as fuck. And the well is born is like the most like, whatever. It's like an English tavern, but they have blue lighting behind bookcases. Whoa, crazy. Just for me, you think they couldn't reinvent a tavern. It literally was like on the list of like the deuceiest bars in LA. So creative was? Yeah. So Kristen is asking, Kristen's telling her about this new guys. It's when it jocks his friends, but like still like, he's hot. Like, okay, we like kind of folder. And Stasi goes, did you fuck? It's like, no, but like we did things. And Stasi goes, well, I'm sorry to like bring this up to you, but like, I've heard some things. Um, he has a living girlfriend. And Kristen's like, who did you hear that from? Stasi goes, okay, well, I was like Facebook stalking him myself. Stasi can't help from being horrible. Yeah. So Kristen doesn't care. So this guy shows up. He's a typical Jack's friend. He looks 45, but like way too much work done already. Kristen has to pay for the Uber for him to get there. Yeah, that's Lord knows he don't have a job. So she pays for the Uber for him to come. Then he comes. Stasi grills him, which is really good. He gets rigged over the coals immediately. This is like classic Stasi, which made me very happy. It's like, so you have a girlfriend and ex-girlfriend. Oh, really an ex? Well, I'm on again off again. So is it on or on? God, I don't know. Are you going to marry Kristen? Tell me now. Are you going to marry her? Well, I don't even know. Like I just met her. Are you going to, so you're going to knock her up with babies? I love Stasi. And then she's like, well, the best of them, they're talking about like, well, you're better not cheat on, like don't cheat on her, et cetera, or whatever. And Kristen's like, yeah, I don't let people cheat on me. I'm like, no, she doesn't say that. She goes, I don't want to be the one that someone's cheating with. Because like, I'm not going to be that one that someone's cheating with. So as long as they're not on right now, I'm okay, because he's not cheating with me. And Stasi just gives her this look and says, well, I'm just going to let that one slide. Because you could see like her, it's like a cartoon where it like turns red in the bottom. Like it's like, it was like, she wants to go Yosemite Sam on that moment. She comes to the ground. She says, well, I'm trying out this whole like forgiveness kick. So I'll let that one slide. So gross all around. So funny. And I was really glad she's back. I don't know how they're going to work her back into this show. And I'm assuming they're not because she's still bad mouthing Vanderpump. So I'm guessing this is like a two or three episode stint. But who knows? No, I think she's going to come back. I think this is going to transition her back. And then next season she'll be back full time. I hope so because it was fun to watch her. And I would love to hate her again. Like I'm very uncomfortable liking Stasi and I like her now. So I like I like it when she's the queen bee and bossing people around. That's when she's when she lost her power. And you know, it just and he got dowdy. It was not right. Yeah, when she started trying to get everyone else fired, that's when you lose. Tom and Ariana. I mean, what Katie is saying about Tom and Ariana is correct. There are nothing like Kristin. But the fact that they're trying to eye somebody out of filming is just what Stasi did and look who's gone now, you know? Yeah. Stasi needs to date someone at Sur again. I'm sorry. That's just what has to happen. Because she needs to get jealous. She needs to do more investigations. When she investigates, that's really when she shines. Like when Kristin investigates, it's just like sloppy and sad. But when Stasi investigates, oh, it's scary. Stasi will find John Stossel fucking some child. You know, like she'll turn date line around. There's a reason why she's been named after the secret police. So anyway, we'd love you. Come back. I'd be to hate you again. So let's go back to who eyes. The girls are on a raft who doesn't care. And Jax, I don't like the Britney's like on the raft with Lala. Yeah, Lala, whose couches blurred out. What else does she have to tell Britney? She told her everything. And your dumbass insta friend is believing everything. So you're fine. Max is snorkeling. He shouldn't be snorkeling. He's got like when you snorkel, you got to put that thing right up in your grille. What's he doing? What's he thinking? Doesn't he want to have teeth? It's like my day is to come at me. Shock. I've got mental teeth now. The shark tries to bite him. He's just like a shark. Really? Seriously? Suck up. Pandora tastes much better. Pandora tastes like an gentlemen. I taste like an oxycodone and a beer bong. Wrong choice. So then Shina back on the beach. Shina and Katie are talking because Shina got a text from Kristin. That Kristin and Stacy were hanging out. And Katie's like, I don't want to be friends with Stacy again. I'm like shut up Katie. You're going to be friends with her because you're weak. You're the weak one of this entire bunch. You're just our friends with whoever will take you in. Totally. She's like a dog in the rain. God bless her heart. So then everyone goes out to dinner and they're at dinner and they get these giant watermelon bowl drinks, whatever. Shay. I mean like his water was going to the table. Okay. They're like, okay everyone. So we're going to serve you guys some like some drinks in a watermelon and it's going to be about like 300 shots of vodka and some tequila in gin. And we're going to scoop out some watermelon put it in there too. And Shay was like, his eyes were so big. And he was like, oh my gosh. That's so surprising. It's mixed with watermelon, right? That's a fruit. Yeah, I shouldn't have that. It's like a smearing thing. Lala meanwhile, it's like she just time traveled to like 1842, found some kids like pushing those hoops around with sticks and she grabbed them, put them on her ears and came back. Those things were huge. I was waiting for a tiger to jump through one of them. That shit was enormous. Huge. You know, these people are such jerks that waiter, it took him 30 minutes to get through all the ingredients of that watermelon drink. And it was the most pain in the ass drink to make. And this entire staff complains about how hard it is to muddle drinks. So they order the most difficult drink. They're like, well, tight 20. I just had to say that I just take up for monologue later because they totally fucked him over. Even though when it came out, it was just like a watermelon with shit from a margarita machine. Yeah, that's exactly what it was. And then we had this random moment where we learned that Lala and James did try to have sex, but he couldn't get it up. And she's like, well, he couldn't get up because he's lame. And then he's like, oh, I had too much to drink. I had whiskey dick, all right. So just going to get back on her and draw a second time. And she says, if you have whiskey, if you have whiskey dick, drink vodka. I've never heard of vodka dick. OK, I'm here to explain to you, there is such a thing as vodka dick. I have it. Now you've heard of it. I actually I actually felt bad for James because like for guys, that's like a very sensitive issue, you know, like if you can't get it up, you know, it's really not a big deal if you can't get it up. But the last thing you want is someone shaming you for in her being like, well, we obviously shouldn't be together because you can't get it up. So he deserves it. Because he's like, I'm not saying whether or not he deserves it, but I'm saying I did feel bad because that's like that's how to give a guy a complex. And when you get a complex, then he's just going to act more obnoxious. Well, she's already basically everybody's already everybody already knows he has a tiny dick. And now he can't even get it up. God bless his heart. But this is why I will never feel sorry for James because he does shit like this. Lala says he's he blamed me because he said that I just couldn't get him hard. But it was with me. Who does that? It was your fault. It was your fault, your basic bitch. I can only get hard on, but you're not hot enough, Lala. And then she just gives the camera a look like, really, look at me. Yeah, that is pretty shady. That is pretty bad. I forgot that he said that. Never mind. Shame them all you want. Oh, yeah, he's the worst. So Tom pulls aside Shina. Could they only have these conversations during during meals? You know, they there's spent all day together. But it's like, you know what, we're having a meal. Let's have a fight in the middle of the meal off to the side. I was surfing before, man. Like it was rough, Kristen. Yeah. So Tom kind of just tries to get through to Shina again. On the same topic. And again, she's like, but I meant what I said. I meant it. I meant it. And then Shina, of course, is such a martyr. She's like, well, I guess I'll have to check the plan for everything. I'll just say sorry and sorry and sorry until I'm blowing the face, which would actually be cool because it matches my glasses and soft. I like that he laid it out for her and said. The thing is you texted her mom this stuff. And like, you're smart enough to know that that's like a dick move, Shina. Like he explained it well enough to like, sorry that you're cocking all time. And he goes, Shina, I've never acted like I'm better than you. Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever. Here's what you should be doing to have a healthier breakfast. Then he brings in her marriage because, you know, she's fucking with him. So he says, well, yeah, look at Shay, because like, she can't even talk. He doesn't have a voice, you know, and like, you'll talk over him. You're like manipulative. And then she goes, yeah, I'm my reliable shop. Not at your fucking business. You just texted his future mother-in-law. And that's exactly what I said like 20 minutes ago is that like, if someone did this to her, it's like, now I've got a business. But like the moment he mentions Shay, you know, it's like, and yet you're like texting people's moms. I mean, get out of here. Yeah. And he is just done with her at this point. I'm sure he's been done with her for a long time. She tries to smooth it over by doing that generic thing of like, you know, we're like brother and sister, you annoy me, I annoy you. And he's like, yeah, he just gives us like hateful look to Ariana, I'm sure, but to whoever like she's done. Meanwhile, Brittany and Lala like are like fine now. They're like, Brittany's like, I don't want to hate you. Just let's just start over. It's fine. And I was like, yeah, that's cool, whatever. And then Jax is like, this is why I love her. And he's like, I love this girl. I love her so much. And then a waitress comes over. This is the best part of the whole episode. A waitress comes over to clear a cup. She's not even saying anything. She just takes a cup, a few cups away. And Jax, while he's professing his love to Brittany, like fully checks out this waitress. Her rack, her ass, everything. So good. And then Jax says, we're a very unique group, you know, like, no, you're not. You're a bunch of fucking 40 year olds who refuse to accept it and are still getting wasted every night and making your faces unrecognizable. Have you been to LA? Look around, you're not using a sexy, unique group. So then, you know, next thing we all of a sudden, we just sort of see footage of things, whatever, and phone calls. And guess what, Jax, as we've all heard and seen in the tabloids, etc. Thrown in jail because he shoplifted some sunglasses in Hawaii. So now everyone's like, oh my God, we gotta get Jax out. And Sheena, of course, Sheena goes, Jax has to ruin it for all of us and go get arrested. Like, Sheena, it's not, it's not ruining anything for you. It's rooting like he didn't take your plane ticket with him. You idiot, you can still get on the plane. If all about me, like, how could they do this to me? I wore my blue glasses. How are we going to go to third album? His mom, um, when they called his mom on speakerphone, because, you know, Sheena, she's stirring. She's like, let's call his mom. I'm speaker. They call and his poor mom's like, oh gosh, how does this boy do this? Who is this? What is going on in his head? Meth. Meth is going on in his head. That's why. And then Jax, in his confessional, is like, I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed. And he like leans forward and tries to, it does like a fake cry, putting his fingers in his eyes and wipes away no tears. I'm like, please. He tries to cry and talk about how reformed he needs to be, because that's not him, man. And then he looks into the camera and he's got eyes, like, fucking sewing needles. Yeah, you've really changed. Yeah. Cokey, jokey. Get out of here. Cokey, coke. Cokey, coke. Oh my god. So then at the airport, I apologize, babe. Like, if you don't want to be with me anymore, I understand. I could use the closet space in Britain. He's like, I don't even know what to say right now, but I'm not moving out. So get comfortable. Like, dang, dang, dang, dang, dang. Poor Britney. She even has a little star behind her ear. Yeah. That girl knows how to deal with pain, okay? These people, such jokes, such lovely jokes, love this show so much. Please don't ever let this show end. I know. It's the best. I can't wait to see what happens. I can't wait to see Lisa scold Jacks be like, I spent $11,000 belling you out. And this is the risk. This is what you show me. And he's like, I know that I'm broken. Oh, darling, Jack's coming here for us. Mm-hmm. It's like, I'll give you the glass I stole back. Okay, darling, can we hug me, darling? Or Hanky, hug Jack's telling. Everybody, thank you for listening to the Watch What Crapin's podcast. Come to watchwhatcrapins.com for all our links. Thanks for everybody who supports us on patreon.com/watchwhatcrapins. And come to Facebook, facebook.com/watchwhatcrapins. We love you guys. We will talk to you next week. Yay, bye, everyone. If you like Watch What Crapin's, you can listen ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey at wondery.com/survey. I'm Lindsey Graham, host of Wondery Show American Scandal. We bring to life some of the biggest controversies in US history. Presidential lies, environmental disasters, corporate fraud. In our latest series, entrepreneur Lou Perlman becomes the mastermind behind two of the biggest pop groups in the world, the Backstreet Boys, and InSync. He also oversees a sprawling business empire that includes a charter jet company, restaurants, and real estate. But Perlman's successful facade crumbles after he sued by the boy bands for siphoning millions from them. And soon investigators discover that Perlman is keeping his empire afloat through an even more devious scheme. 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