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For Hers.com/crapends, Hers, weight loss is not available everywhere. Compounded products are not FDA-approved or verified for safety, effectiveness, or quality. Prescription required restrictions apply. Ryan Reynolds here for Mint Mobile. With the price of just about everything going up during inflation, we thought we'd bring our prices down, so to help us, we brought in a reverse auctioneer, which is apparently a thing. Marvin J. and Christy Doney, we love you. Hello everybody, welcome to the Watch what Crap is podcast. I'm Roni Karim from Trash Talk TV, and here with me is the gorgeous newly-eared, handsome face/perfect eyebrow / Ben Mandelker/ Hello Roni, are you keeping dry today on this rainy Los Angeles afternoon? Hell yeah, somebody kidnapped Bueller, well a friend took him to Calabasas, so I don't have Bueller at the moment, and I've been really sad about it because I miss my little man, but it's amazing to not walk the dog in the rain. Yeah although you know what's funny is that I drove by you on Sunday morning, and I thought you were standing outside your building, and so I thought you were walking Bueller. That was my phantom limb, that was my phantom Bueller. Oh, you're walking in ghosts, that's how Bueller feels, because he's the only one that people can see in this neighborhood. Actually, I was standing outside smoking a real cigarette, because now I vape this like dessert shit all day instead of smoking, but you know some days I need to go outside and just smoke a real cigarette, but I'm clearing out my apartment and getting it ready so I can have people over and stuff, so there will be no smoking near this apartment. And my landlady was like, "You need to go out on the street, I don't want to smell that outside the apartment." I'm like okay, Burbank, so now I smoke on the street, so now I see all sorts of people, and they honk at me, and you know, call me the F word, okay, so anybody, welcome to the Watch what Crap and Podcasts, first show of 2016, woo! We're totally sober, it's a rainy day, and it's going to be a mess anyway, so enjoy it, I feel very messy today, it's the new year, I cleared myself with so much rage, and it's already built back up, thanks Bravo. You guys can find us on facebook.com/watchwhatcrapins, that is where we talk crap with you guys all week about the shows, there's live show threads to talk about, everything is posted there, it's a good hub, so go there, and thank you to everybody who posts there, because it's really good morning poop reading, it's replaced the news in terrors, it's great, watchwhatcrapins.com has all of our links, slowly but surely getting up, getting the news site ready, it's taking forever, which we'll sock nobody, and also patreon.com/watchwhatcrapins, that's where you can become a premium subscriber, when you subscribe, premiumly, just watch work out, so I'll be making up stupid words all day, you can get our bonus episodes, today's bonus episode we talked about cereal, because we have not discussed that yet, and then we kind of intro'd the new show on Netflix called How to Make a Murderer, making a murderer, making a murderer, how to get away with making a murderer all right, I started watching it over the weekend, and I'm giving Ronnie homework to watch us, that way we can do a deep dive on next week's bonus episode, and you know what, all of you guys should do a deep dive too, because it's so good, and are you watching, should I watch the entire season by then, like what episodes do you want to do up until the whole thing, the whole season, oh fuck yeah, challenge accepted, ten hours, and you won't be able to stop, unless you're like me in which case I did stop, because I have things to do, but we also talked about the great British baking show, which is also very riveting in its own way, just as murder can be fascinating, so can watching baklava being made, so yes, British baking show, yeah in a tent with like little British women, I like that nowhere in Britain will anybody film, so they're always like walking in a park or filming in a tent, there's no restaurant filming in the country, we also talked about city council meetings, which was really fun, like we had maybe too much fun, and then we said FU to Whole Foods a lot, so come listen to that, the last few have been so, well they're actually all pretty fun, those bonus episodes, yeah almost every single one of them is really fun and entertaining in its own way. And last week we posted a bunch of the ringers and stuff that are premium subscriber ringers, and there's free ones, so if you want the free ones and you're not a subscriber yet, come over to I guess Facebook, they're still on there, you can find the download link there, the ringers are so fun, they're put up for January, so come get your ringers, do all that stuff and thank you to everybody who is supporting us on Patreon, we love ya, we've got a humongous show today, because we've got three, kind of three shows to discuss today instead of our normal two, so. Oh, I thought you were going to say it's going to be a huge show today because the Coachella lineup just came out and we have to go through every single band. I don't even understand Coachella, I, look I'm an old person, I turn on Spotify, I'm like why is every song about a butt, or somebody like needing somebody to want to bone them, and then I end up turning the song so many times that I have to listen to ads over and over, because you're only allowed to skip a certain number, and I just, what I'm saying is I could not be in a music festival in today's time, because I would just want to fast forward every stupid fucking song. Yeah, you know what I say, just sit in your living room, put your headphones in, and just listen to music that way, it's just as good. Yeah, I get everything late, you know, like I'll hear it in a Ross dress for less. I just heard the Adele song for the first time over Christmas. Hello, that one. Yes, I'd never heard it because I don't play music in my house and I never leave my house. So like when am I going to hear it? But finally I needed a bathroom rug so I went to Ross and I heard it so good. The gays were freaking out because over the weekend, Celine Dion did a, did a cover of it. And it was like, it was good, but people are really like, you know, just because Celine Dion doesn't mean it's automatically amazing. It was actually kind of funny, because she's like, hello, she's like, hello from the other side. I love me so Celine way. Yeah, I love both of them, but I've heard a lot of the gays being like, you know, cheer up Adele, you're rich, you're famous, why are you still bitching? I love a semi fat miserable Adele. Okay, I do not want a happy Adele. Happy Adele leads to songs like, I'm trying to think of a happy Adele song. I can't even think of one, can you? Yeah. No, no, like rumor has it maybe and that song sucks. But even that, oh yeah, that one is kind of a good one because she ends up cheating with the guy that cheated on her for some other chick. So that one's kind of good, I guess, if that's a happy song. I mean, look, if that's your happiness getting, getting a good revenge lay, then I'm all for it. I love you, Adele. You just keep eating, keep not eating, keep, I don't even care what you're doing. Stay miserable. That's how I love you, darling. I love, I love that the gays are turning on Adele because that's the true sign that you've made it is when the gays, you know, first are like doing like, like slashing their, their chest for you, you know, and bleeding out for you, and then suddenly be like, fuck you, turn their back and walk away. And hello, Lady Gaga, fickle pickles. Yeah. Fickle pickles. You've made it. Lady Gaga kind of deserved it, but it's not like her music took a huge dive from where it was before. It's always been perfectly serviceable. I just didn't like that she was kind of a Madonna rip off, but then she won me over when she did the Tony Bennett thing, but then she lost me again when she did the, you know, American Horror Story thing. Yeah, I don't know. I just can't decide because I'm one of them on the pickle as well. I mean, Lady Gaga, her music did go downhill. It became virgin Eric, although she had that great duet with R Kelly, but the gays really turned on her. They're like, whatever Gaga is so old, Gaga is so, so over that I was like, so too, I was like, dude, like Lady Gaga is like a such a champion for the gays. You may not like her music anymore, but don't just like, just throw her out with a trash. Well, there's a reason that Cher's face looks like a Kevlar vest at this point. All right, the woman has been through it with this poor thing. She's like a war ravaged little country that face. Right. Bless her heart. All right. So, speaking of gay icons, speaking of war-torn ravaged faces, let's talk about Bravo. Yes. So it's a new year for Watcher Crapins. And in the spirit of new year resolutions or projects or looking forward to 2016, we actually have a goal for this year that I think, I think we can pull off. We kind of, it's similar to a goal that we had last year, but we kind of won about the goal last year, perhaps the wrong way. So last year, we wanted to get Chrissy Teigen onto the podcast because she's a big Bravo fan. So we told everyone, go out and like tweet at Chrissy Teigen to get her to come on. We don't know for sure if she really saw those tweets or whatever, but she did, she did write a tweet that, that seemed to indicate that she received the tweets and was pissed off and was like, everyone stop tweeting about this stupid podcast to me. So it was even worse. She was like, listen, I want everybody to stop tweeting me about their stupid fucking podcast. I was like, whoa, bitch. First of all, we didn't tweet you. So get up our ass. Second of all, hope you listen to it because I called you a dumb whore like 30 times before anybody even tweeted you, which might have been our problem. So this next person, I'm not going to call a stupid whore. Yeah. So we decided we are going to set our bar higher and we're going to try to go about this in a smarter way. Our goal for 2016 is to get Jennifer Lawrence to come onto our podcast and talk about Bravo with us because she apparently is a huge Bravo fan. And to do this though, we're not going to pester her with a bunch of tweets, because the thing is, even though we know our audience is cool, they have no idea who we are. And so when they get a bunch of tweets from a bunch of people from across the country, be like, Oh my God, you should listen to this podcast. They're like, Whoa, whoa, whoa, she's stopped spamming me. So we don't know how we're going to do this. We're going to we're going to find a way. But we literally have zero ideas. I'm waiting for you in our vast audience that someone knows Jennifer Lawrence or knows someone who knows someone or knows her PR person or knows this person or that we want to we want to mobilize our fan base in a smart way. We want to we want to go through back at least. I just can't wait to ask Jennifer Lawrence. How does the Hunger Games end? She'll be all flattered. We'll be like, Can you talk to us about winter's bone? So so that's that is the goal. We're on it's J law quests. And we will give updates as we have them. But if anyone knows J law or knows how we can get her attention and make her make her realize this is a safe place. And that this is it would be really fun to like chat and talk about Bravo with her. Then then that would be awesome. So get to work listeners. Help us out. Got to have a goal. Also, I need a new sectional. That's my personal goal. Okay. And we can talk to Jennifer Lawrence on Skype all I said on it and say, Wow, what a good deal. Thank God for this podcast. Yes. Yes. What showed you what showed you want to start with my little bench. Well, why don't we before we even start with the shows, we can just start with mountains, mail back. Did you hear it this week? Remember last week you didn't hear it. So it was a strange song. I heard it this week. Yes. Yeah. So actually our crappins mailbag question segues into a show that we can start with. The question, let me refresh in case there's another question. Oh, actually, there's a few questions here. Okay. So, um, okay. Oh, it's refreshing. So Catherine asks. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. I'm trying to figure out which one we'll do this one. We'll start with Deborah Howard's question. She asks if the sur cooks, hands lapping after Chris and fired happened in 2015, do you think they deserve an honorable crappy? All we're good choices though. Do I think we can give the line, the line cooks an honorable crappy for for slapping high five after Christmas fire? That's the worst, uh, that's the worst presentation ever. We're like, I guess. All right. There's your there's your, uh, honorable mention. Okay. For outstanding, for outstanding perseverance at a terrible job and seeing justice. I would have given them a full on ceremony if they had once poisoned the family meal while Christian was working there. But otherwise new. I mean, unless she poisoned that bitches goat cheese and panata. No honorable mention for you. No honorable mention. Okay. So we're sort of split on that one. Well, who knows? We'll see what they do the rest of the season on Vanderpump rules and and maybe they can worm their way into the 2016 crappies. So, um, the next question comes from Catherine. She asks, this is in this is pertains to newlyweds the first year season two. She says, would you confess to a 14 person Brazilian orgy three days before your wedding and would you and would this strengthen your relationship? And also, would you do this on camera? That was amazing. The guy did it with a huge smile on his face too. He's like, Hey, hey, babe. Remember when I told you I hadn't cheated on you? Well, I had like with 20 people in Brazil with my dad and 14 of them were hookers. Like, Oh, dude, what the hell? And he did it behind closed doors, which was hilarious. He's like, we got to talk. Let's go into the room and close the door. So yeah, it was so stupid to me that entire thing was so staged. He was smiling the entire time. And she's like, what would you have to talk to me about? And then she's, uh, and then she runs out. She sort of has a smile on her face, but she's covering her face. She storms out the front door. The front door is already open. As if there had already been that the whole scene had been shot already and the door hadn't closed doors open. Her purse was on the floor next to the front door, which is weird. It was like a really sloppy retake. It was, I mean, it was bad. I could break down and start sobbing again. We didn't quite get that. Just leave your purse by the door and I would all know. Yeah. No, that was so fake. I don't think if you're going to be enough of a bastard to sleep with 14 prostitutes, like cheat with 14 prostitutes on your fiance, I don't think you're suddenly going to reveal it like three days before your wedding, unless you just don't want to get married. Do I think that would make the relationship stronger? No, I don't know that I think he shouldn't have confessed. Maybe not right before the wedding, but no, if you know that you're, if your man admits right before you get married that he just boned 14, well, not just, but he boned 14 prostitutes in Brazil. And he's doing that to be honest because that matters more than anything. And then you still marry him. Guess what? He's going to do sleep with more prostitutes. Yeah, then he's going to apologize. And then you're going to cry. And then he's going to sleep with more prostitutes. And then you're going to cry. Listen girl. Your man sleeps with prostitutes. That's it. You don't just lose a craving for prostitutes. Okay. Yeah, go on a diet. But at the end of the day, you still want a little Debbie. I'll tell you who the real victims are here, the prostitutes, because they had to sleep with him. Oh my God. Talk about honorable crappies, the 14 Brazilian prostitutes who made it through that one. Yeah. I mean, I mean, it's, they're the ones who, it's like, I wonder who are they going to be able to tell like they're going to tell their husband like, Well, honey, you know how I'm a prostitute? They're like, yeah, yeah, no, I'm okay with that. Well, I had to sleep with this guy. And this is what he looks like. Like, Oh, shit. No, our wedding, our relationship's done. That guy is actually ruined prostitutes relationship. Yeah. She's like, I'm going into banking. I've reached a low. I can't do this anymore. And he lives in Phoenix. Oh, you slept with a guy who lives in Phoenix. Okay, we'll get more into that guy. And how much he sucks soon, because yeah, there's nothing I love more in life than a terrible relationship. Yeah. So we get to talk about all of that very soon. All right, what's next? Thanks guys. That's it. So thanks guys for writing into the mailbag. Little mailbag. Maybe there'll be more questions on Thursday. Mailbag needs some help. Other people write in more. So we have questions to answer on Thursday. So funny. Okay, so what do you want to start with? We've got Real Housewives of Atlanta. We've got Vander poop drools and newlywed season three. What do you you you can take you decide? Hmm. Well, I say we start with newlyweds just because it's new. Sorry talking about it. Yeah. Um, newly, I'm writing this down in our show notes. Okay, this is minute 18. Welcome to newlyweds at minute 18. Yeah. Okay. newlyweds. Where's my notes? Because this show? This is furious scribbling. I was trying to clean and do this. And I was like, I'm not going to take too many notes. So the show's not 20 hours. But then I couldn't stop writing down. What are your channels? Well, I didn't take notes because I was like, you know, the thing is when we take notes, we go on and on and on about these shows. So I at this point, I only take notes for like the big ones like Vanderpump Rules or Atlanta. So for this one, I was like, I'm just going to watch it and just whatever sticks with me is whatever is going to stick. Okay. So I'll start. I did not we don't have to go for an hour about this show. Okay. Let's just talk about the basic couples. So first, let's start with this Persian princess chick. Yes. This is a great way to I mean, this is Emma is effing gorgeous. She's marrying some guy who looks like, I mean, I'm glad he said, because I was like, he has a certain lizard quality to himself. He looks actually like what I imagine Kim Richard's son is going to grow up to be. Oh, well, I think he's kind of hot. Is that hot or not? Well, you said he's a lizard and a Richards, but I still think he's kind of hot. Is that weird? I don't know. I don't find him hot because I find him to be he seems very much like an asshole control freak. I mean, you know, we've seen these movies before where there's a guy who has a house in Malibu and it's a sleek house and everything's wonderful, but then it turns out he is a control freak and turns like cameras on alarm systems. And then the girl can ever get out. He is an asshole. Now, admittedly, her family is is perhaps not great because they have been not they have not been supportive of this wedding because this romance was founded in adultery because I love that. Okay. So just to tell people who haven't watched you, just a real quick bio on these two. Yeah, he's like 20 years older than her. They're both real estate agents. He's been married twice. She had a perfect Persian wedding to some dude that lasted four months. And they met at a real estate conference at some Marriott somewhere and they get boning. And then so they had sex and boned. And then after she was like, what am I going to do? I'm married. And he's like, Zoinks. So then she went and divorced the guy for this guy. And then she's like, and then my family like now they resent me. Yeah, because they just threw you a huge fucking wedding universe, the whole family by cheating within four months and then going off with some other control freak. That's why stupid. And she keeps saying like, I don't get it. Like I did everything. Where's my family deserting me? You're turning right to Rosa? Oh, I know. That's so Persian. That's so Persian. That's Tara's voice will be from all the rest of us. That's so Persian. She doesn't sound anything like that, by the way. So she's deservedly in my opinion, getting shit from her family. So now she's already marrying this other guy who's been married twice. He's obviously control freaky. Yeah, he is he's scary to me. He has like a psychotic eyes. And his whole thing is that Tara's family has been totally like they've been totally unsupportive of this wedding. And so therefore, only three of them get to come to the wedding. I'm like, that is not how you that's not that's not how you do it. Like that's it's that whole like, I can't believe they would like not support me in this. And therefore I'm going to cut them out. Like that mentality is the classic, you know, it's me versus them sort of thing, which is it's standard codependent manipulated manipulative slash like mental like you can see it going down the path to being mentally abusive. Well, he doesn't even hide the fact that he is. That's what's so funny. Cause it's not even manipulation. He's a control freak asshole. And she comes from a family of controlled freak assholes. And so she's going to be attracted to that no matter what, like she complains about her first Persian wedding. Well, what was her problem with that? That he was a controlling fucking asshole. And now she's married to controlling fucking assholes like congrats. And she's trying to be this rebel. And so she's dating this older white dude. And it's this big controversy in the family. I don't know that it's a controversy that he's a white dude. It's a controversy that you left his husband. So yeah, anyway, he's rude to the parents to the moms. Well, I just want Persian music, Persian food, Persian man, person, everything for my daughter. And he's like, yeah, go fuck yourself, you old slag. You're going to maybe get a piece of cake if I'm nice. And we're not having belly dancers. Okay. What do you want belly dancers? She's like, yes, this would be nice. He's like, no, no belly dancers. Instead, your daughter has hired strippers. What the hell with these people? She literally hired strippers for less. Well, first of all, they're having their wedding at La Boheme, which is already questionable. Okay. Like, I think any wedding that's held on the fringes of Boys Town is going to be in trouble. But also on top of that, he, I mean, the mom, the mom is like, okay, like, I want like some representation of my culture to be there. He's like, yeah, no, we can play like a Persian song during cocktail hour. We can do that. It's like totally condescending. And I understand perhaps the idea that they're being tough, they're making it difficult for her and that it gives him resentment. But that's, this is a family you're marrying into, you know, and like, that's not, this is, that's not how you deal with it. I'm, I'm sorry. Okay. He doesn't care. Wasn't he the one saying that he, I think I'm not sure if it was him. I hope it was because my notes now I can't find where we're going because we're going to get in order. But that I think he was the one who said his father died and he doesn't have a relationship with his mother. Yeah, exactly. So when he said that, I was like zero respect for the parents. Exactly. I'm sure the, I'm sure the family, you know, the way he says it, the family is making it difficult for them. But probably the family is making it difficult because they're like, this guy's an asshole, you know, they're like, you know, he's, you can see he's totally driving the wedge between her and her family. I mean, so it's, it's, she said she has Bravo English, the Persian princess. She's like, in my culture, you just don't. Oh, God. Oh, she said, if when you cheat in the Persian culture, it's shunned upon, which great English, first of all, second of all, when you cheat in any culture, it's shunned. Your son, okay, it's looked down upon. If you cheat, I'm just approaching. And also you'd probably be stoned to death. So I get that we're like a little more relaxed here, but not that much more relaxed. Jesus Christ lady four months. And then she's also totally offensive to her. She's kind of the rebel, you know, and I get it. Like she's rebelling against the old country mentality. Yeah. And from someone with old country mentality. And so if you, and you also like you cheated on this guy, who I don't mean, I don't know anything about the X, but you cheated on him with a dude, a former drug addict with control issues who no longer has a relationship with his mother. Like, you know, I think that's a red flag for most parents, regardless of culture. Yes. And she's as kind of hoey as possible just to piss off her parents. And it's so funny. It's like, how old are you? Drop it. Okay, whatever bitterness you have, go to therapy, let it go hug your mom. I mean, Jesus. And they're making the mom sound like she's this terrorist and she's not. She's trying to be supportive, you know, yeah. And she tries on her wedding dress. And she says, well, you know, I paid a lot of money for these tits. I want them to show more in my wedding dress. And then her poor mom is sitting there like, maybe Tiara? She's like, I hate it. I wore a tiara. The last one. And this time that I want to, I don't want to wear a tiara. Oh, mom. Like she doesn't rebel against her mom with the dumbest things. It's like, okay, let your tits hang all over the plate. You know, she talks about her period. She's like, everything she does, I feel like, is just trying to get back at her mom, which, you know, look, obviously, I'm into that. But the mom seems actually sweet. The mom's like, maybe Tiara. And she goes, my mom is showing no emotion. Yes, she is. You're not looking close enough. She's fucking horrified. It's just probably more. They probably were there for like four hours. The mom's bored. The mom's like, why don't you just wear your other wedding dress at this point? No kidding. I mean, my family got to plan the first one. And this time, they're not as supportive. They just planned this. What a year ago, give them a break. Planning a wedding is hard. Your mother is not an executive producer, bitch. Yeah, exactly. So that's them. That's not going to go well. That couple disaster. But you know, that is definitely one of those couples where they're both awful people. And I hope their miserable together. So have fun with that. The sun has come out. I'm really furious. It's supposed to be a rainy day today, and the sun is out. I know it's supposed to rain till five. And then tomorrow it starts again at eight. It's like on a regular work schedule. Seriously. Seriously. Seriously weather. So the next couple, why don't we go on to Craig Ramsey and Brandon Liberati who they're the gays. I'm happy to announce that my street of a thousand stars continues to expand its resident portfolio. Actually these guys don't live on my street, but they live, they live up the street. They're like on, they're like on Franklin and Fuller. They're actually close to good old Matt Woodfield, but they're just up there right up the corner. I feel like I'm just on Rodeo drive. But like the crap version. You're on rodeo drive. Because I'm on a radio and there's a rodeo. So you're on a rodeo drive. It's all the broken down stores. No one's going into anymore. Those gay. Okay. And they're also, by the way, I'd like to add that they are also regulars of the Tiago coffee shop, which as we all know is kind of my place. I'd like to point out that they are total stereotypes, yes, which normally really bugs me on these shows. And I think they're so fucking adorably stereotypical. And I want to like air hug them like, I don't want to hug them because I feel like I'd smell like, I don't know, Nivea cream and I don't know, old spice. So I don't want to like hug them, hold them. But I want to, you know, air hug them and be like, you're so cute from a distance. Don't come near me, gays. Yeah, they're cute. It's, it's weird. I have like conflicting feelings because of all the couples that we saw. This was the most functional. This was the most, this is the sweetest, the most loving. They, they did just seem like two lovely guys, but they were so stereotypically gay. And I started to like, I found myself cringing. And I'm like, why am I, I'm like, is this like self loathing gay coming out? Because I don't want, I don't want to act on self loathing gay concepts. But when they're sitting there, like talking like the gay couple from modern family, it's like you can't help but be like, okay guys, seriously, this you're being ridiculous. Why does it have to be a self loathing gay? Why can't I just be a normal loathing gay? Yeah. Like, is that do I have to be totally secure? And I thought to just feel regular loathing? I know. But then I'm like, what am I mad about? But there's just something about it that's almost like, like, precious, you know, like, I remember the first time that we walked down a sidewalk together. And I thought, this sidewalk is not just a sidewalk. It's, it's a path for our lives. That's what I felt. And you're like, but then you're like, but it's so sweet. But then I'm like, Oh, but it's also bothering me. I'm like, golem, you know, I'm like, very precious. No, don't take it. My precious. That's how I feel like we're back and forth. This is like golem being married to Yoda. But both of them are trying to have faces like Lisa Vanderpump. I don't know how to explain this couple. But I really like him. One of them is an ex Broadway chorus boy. And everything he does is like lyrics from My Fair Lady, or they get married in Palm Springs, like every stereotype, the other one. It's like, it's like, Pippin is going through his head at all times the day. It's like, gotta find my call on all of the sky. It's like on loop his whole life. He has to get a haircut and his boyfriend's a hairdresser, of course. And so he's like, honey, the dog has to go to the groomer and Saudi. You need to hurry up or we're not going to have time. And he's like, honey, your Edward sister hands, you'll cut my hair and two cuts of eight or two counts of eight. So cute and annoying to but also really cute. And he's like, I'm a fitness expert. And so it's my job to look really hot at all times. And then they have a cut to him. What's he on Grand Norton? He's on some show and they cut to him doing his fitness routine. And he's skipping around the cubicles. I mean, he's dying. I thought he was so funny. And then his husband, the hairdresser is cutting his long hair off. And he gives him bangs. So now they both have these matching bangs. And then they're doing their interviews. And the hairdresser is a huge crier. So everything he starts sobbing and crying. I don't know. I really like them. I was like, no, I like them too. I like them the most. It's just weird. I feel like I'm going to be working through something as I watch their relationship. It worked me through so much gay shit. It really did. Talking on this show, I've like, go so much of it. Yeah, it's like, you know, I recognize that they're like the sweetest and the nicest, but there's something that irks me about them. And I think it has less to do with them and more to do with me. You know, it's like, because there's just something where there's like that that measured, measured precious, gay thing that sometimes can like it feels almost like ultra formal. I don't know. I can't describe it. Well, you feel like you're going to like a cocktail party of what they should be. If you went to a party at their place, everything would be like just almost so perfect and like it'd be almost like you couldn't let loose. But I bet that's not true at all. But I don't know. There's something that I'm like, I can't describe it like the this overly earnest, like, I don't know, I can't describe it. I think they're super horrible and they really embrace like the old Queenie part. Like, yes, the show tunes singing, you know, which, I mean, who I judge in that, but they're, I don't know, getting married in Palm Springs, one's a hairdresser and they, their romantic story. They tell the romantic story like it's this amazing love story. And basically, they were both at the gym. And one of them went up to the other one while he was ordering her protein shake. And he goes, I tapped him on the shoulder. And then he turned around. And I said, are you contemplating a pre workout shake? And then they just smile at each other. And then the crier starts crying. I'm like, really? That's it. Have you fallen in love with every waiter that you've ever had? How is that romantic? I was trying to think, is that an urban dictionary thing contemplating a pre workout shake? Is he offering him a blowjob in the steam room before? Like, what is this deeper than this? Nope. He was really asking him that. And then they fell in love. And then, oh, I'm sorry. Go ahead. I was going to say, I think that maybe, maybe one of the things that, that, that where it gets makes me like, roll my eyes, is that they kind of talk in HR speak, you know, like, you know, that there's like a way if you were working in human resources, you have to say things in certain ways. And you have to like be, it's a, it's that measured thing. Again, where you are like, like, there's just a way of talking that is, you just want to say, like, just say it normally, you know, and that's kind of like, there is sort of like the brand of gay that talks like that, you know, in this like ultra aware to the point of annoyance style. And you just, and I probably am guilty of it too. But, um, but when they do it, it's like that mixture of like, old queen meets HR speak that sometimes makes me be like, they're so nice. I really shouldn't. They're very, yes, they're very guarded. I think what gives me hope is that everybody at the beginning of a reality show is guarded. And then you get to see them bloom. It's a little bitches, they're bitch flower blooms, you know, and you see that. I mean, that's going to happen immediately. But they do hit all the points, like, one's a victim. He got gay bash one time because he was walking gay in Utah. And then one has daddy issues. And then, you know, like they have the typical kind of, uh, victim issues that you need to be a gay on Bravo. Um, but I think the secret to their relationship was in their vows. And it explains so much to me that I'm actually, I love some codependency and I love a relationship based on terrible things. And this one, they wrote, they wrote their vows themselves, obviously. And one of them said, the minute I knew I was in love with you was on day three. When you told me about trying to commit suicide. And I was like, um, really? Wow. That was when you fell in love with the guy was going to commit suicide. And now you can take care of him forever. That is so sick on so many levels. And the fact that you think that's romantic enough to tell a room full of people is amazing. I cannot wait to watch your asses. I know. Go at it. By the way, I have to give a huge, um, huge, huge, huge, though, uh, thank you to Bravo for finally giving us a big old hunky piece of man meat for the, the, the token gay on a show because if there's anything we know about casting directors on TV, if they're going to put a gay guy up up there, it's almost always going to be some like twink, like some mincing twink. And, uh, I'm, I'm just glad that we get to see a different, a different facet of gayness, AKA just a, a, a muscly Thor type. I approve too much. All I see is gigantic poops. You know that they have a plunger next to that toilet at all times because there is some massive protein shake poops coming out of those guys. They're enormous. And they're these humongous dudes. And then they're like, and they get me to the church on time. I'm like, Oh Lord. That's why in porn, when it, oh, I'm sorry for talking about porn, you guys. I know it always leads there, but we all have a relationship to discuss. So in porn where they're like those big, huge guys, they're always like, yeah, bro. Yeah. And they sound so phony. That's why because that's what they sound like in real life. Like girl, it's true. It's true. Um, well, I still, I am, I'm thankful for the eye candy that is Craig Ramsey. And so Craig, you can speak in all your HR voice and Pippin, Pippin inspired inflections as you want. Just keep on doing your day job, which is looking good and I'll be happy. Oh, Craig, can't wait to watch you break down, hun. Okay. So the next, uh, the next couple up is, I guess we should go with the guy we were talking about in the mail bag. Yes. So I want to say that the next two couples I felt were very scripted and fake. So we'll start here with Adonis and Erika. Um, his name is Adonis. He's overweight, kind of busted, smiles for no reason. I'm obsessed with him. He does. He's always a reason to smile. No, he's, he, he smiled while he told his fiance, he fucked 14 hookers. That's because it was a stage scene and he doesn't know how to do a stage scene yet. So he's smiled through a stage scene. That's why that entire, you know, these two, I thought were so boring. So his grandfather is a comedian and his dad is a polyamorous dude. Um, who apparently sent naked photos of his girlfriend to Erica, the fiance. So it's, uh, it's a whole sort, it's a whole, all sorts of fucked up situation. And I'm, since he was, since he was around a famous comedian his whole life, he thinks that the key to life is, you know, treating women like pieces of meat. And he says in his couple interview, he says, uh, they're asking what, when they knew they were in love or whatever. And he's like, you know what, babe? You know, when I knew I was in love with you, huge smile on his face. I, I had sex with so many women and I just wanted them to leave. But after I had sex with you, I wanted you to stay. Wow. Wow. That's really romantic. What is this girl seeing this douche bag? What does she see? I mean, she's a cute girl, which I know, that's like the worst thing to say, you know, like to, to say the number one reason why she deserves someone better is like, well, she's cute, you know, no, but she seems, she seems halfway intelligent. She's cute. I am still gonna put that up there. And, uh, she seems, I don't know, kind of friendly. So what, like, why is she messing around with this asshole? But because they have, uh, she's broken and she has dead eyes. That's what I wrote about her. I'm like, she, he's smiles for nothing and she has dead eyes. This couple is doomed. I can't wait. I think she just wants to lock someone down. I think she has that. I think she just wants to lock someone down. And I think secretly she's happy about this revelation because now she can always hold it over his head that he slept with 14 strippers and prostitutes. Well, she, I felt kind of bad for her because she, I think she's a lot younger, right? She looks like a teenager. Yeah, she looks like she just had her bat mitzvah. And he's talking about, uh, I was so rich because who knows? He's like, I bought my first Lambert game and my first Lambert gaming when I was 20. I'm like, oh, shut up. So he sold a little company. Yeah. His whole life is about money and fucking people. So, and by the way, he went to jail for a year because he was illegally selling, um, third party stuff. And on top of that, he got a cease and desist but kept on selling it. So this guy is terrible, terrible judgment. I don't know what she's doing. This guy's an effing moron. Okay. He's like, I got a cease and desist, but I thought I was still within my rights and then I went to jail. And she's the only person who stood by me. Even my own family didn't stand by me. What family wants to stand by someone that stupid? You know, it's like my my son's in jail. Why? Did he kill somebody? No, he got some cease and desist about selling illegal software, but he kept doing it anyway. No one's going to get respect. At least a murderer's family can be like, well, you know, my son has some balls and now he's in jail. Yeah. Yeah. This could be the next Netflix series. We called making a software pirate. Making a failed software pirate. Yeah. Exactly. How he was framed by the local police. I just think of him as that guy who's always putting that Mac update software pop up ad that went automatically down. Yeah, you know, that's exactly that's exactly what he does. He totally makes like shifty ass software, but you know what though? It's really it actually gives me a lot of hope because if if someone like this guy can still nab that girl, then there's hope for everyone. Well, you just need to be a more terror. Well, you've already nabbed a man and I can't be more of a terrible person. So that she's that theory out of the water. All right, who's next? They're terrible. I mean, she's adorable, but she's terrible for putting up with that idiot. And then she said, and we moved to Phoenix because it's where we can afford a house. That's not why you moved to Phoenix. I mean, Jesus Christ moved to Phoenix because you like the fact that everything's pink or you really like stucco or you like that it's 130 degrees outside. But just because that's where you can afford a house, terrible reason. Probably also you probably also can't afford the house I want to add. You know that like it's it's like the bottom is going to fall out and they're going to get foreclosed on. I mean, this is that's where you that's where it all happens. It's like you go to Phoenix to get foreclosed. Yes. My goal is take out a subprime mortgage in Phoenix and live there for a year and then be kicked out. That's like the new American dream. A year of home living. Oh, God, I'm sorry. I just saw I just saw inside job and my brain is all about like subprime mortgages and CDOs. Way to stay current. It won't know because it was inspired by the big shorts. I wanted to see that. I haven't seen it yet, but I have like a like a new fascination with the 2008 financial crisis and honestly inside job that it's a documentary that won the Academy Award about the whole crisis, how it started and everything. It is amazing. And everyone should watch that too. You know, I am on a big documentary between this and making a murderer. And I guess you could say great British Bake Off as a documentary about baking. Not really. I am I'm in. I'm in it. And also this one, which is and obviously this one, which is Terts Real. Terts Real. Speaking of which, we have Rob and Rochelle also super scripted. So Rob is like this cute. He's sort of he's got like sort of like that Guido quality. He's like, they live in Hoboken. He's got like that that hot Hoboken kind of thing. You know what I'm talking about? Yes. He's got that manzoed before they expired look. You know how the manzos are all really cute. And then like something happens and then they just curdle. Yeah. It's like that look. Yes. He's on the edge of that. So he's really cute. But he and Rochelle, who is also equally cute lady, they we get to see some slices of life with him. And he's like putting on a bow tire in their shirt. He's like, I could do it. I could do it. I mean help. No, I'm going to do it. Oh, fine. You do it. It's like this fake pattern. That's very much like their audition tape. It's like, okay, we get it. You're already on the show. You don't have to like be over the top of putting on a bow tire. Like I hate that shit. Yeah. She has a fashion blog called Blogurella and it's all selfies of, you know, herself, obviously. What else is the selfie of? But it's not a selfie. It's someone else taking a picture with an iPhone much as we see on Bravo blog. I love this new trend of Bravo stars starting fashion blogs as if it's some like like they've literally created a new like fortune 500 company. Here's me in new boots. Here's me in new sunglasses. Here's me in skinny jeans. Bitch, I'm not going to that blog. Get an Instagram like everybody else. Yeah, exactly. I mean, listen, Ronnie and I both have blogs. Okay, we get it. We understand the fun and the thrill of it. But you can't be acting like it requires an MBA to start a blog. Okay, all you do is you sign up on WordPress and start putting photos up and then, you know, look at comments. That's all you do. Well, if I have a blog that's about, it's just all selfies of what I'm wearing from old Navy that day, that's a different. I mean, I don't know. It's not all the same. We don't have blogurellas. Yeah, that's true. Or pop, you know, job cruncher or whatever the hell that's. Geneva pop daily. Geneva pop daily. So they're interesting. He seems like he's on too many energy pills and she seems like, Oh, Cliff, like she's amused that he's such a goofball. And he he describes them as Jay-Z and Beyonce, which look, any couple that describes themselves that way, I automatically hate you and yeah, wait to watch you crash and burn much like the real Jay-Z and be it. Although, mostly just Jay-Z because Beyonce came out with that album after they got married and it's all songs about Jay-Z. And he's kind of an asshole if you listen to the songs. He's like a very distant, controlling dick. So F you Jay-Z, I can't wait till your relationship crashes and burns and Beyonce comes out with an amazing album about it. Yeah, I actually feel a little bit a little bad for Rob because I think Rachelle's mom has like screwed her up because Rachelle is like, I see Matt inviting dad to the wedding and the mom's like, well, no, because what happens if he says he's going to come and then he doesn't come and then you're disappointed. I don't want you to feel disappointed. I'm like, wow, that's like so fucked up. Like, let her invite him and then if he disappoints or she'll be disappointed, but like this whole idea of like preventative, preventative action to avoid disappointment and at like the father's expense. I don't know. You can see that this woman has totally turned the daughter against the father. Well, also like the dad leaving them and abandoning her. Yeah, I mean, there's that. Well, there's that too, but you can see that this woman's an adult though. Like she doesn't need to get her mom's approval to invite her dad. If she wants to invite her dad to the wedding, she should invite the dad to the wedding. Yeah. Well, I think the mom's just being like, well, he's just going to hurt you again. What's your right is shitty, but he, I'm sure this is probably true. I mean, Jesus Christ. I mean, it's probably true, but I just think that like the mom saying that it's like, I don't know. You can set you. I feel like it's probably been many years of that sort of mentality. Like, well, I wouldn't want you to be disappointed again. You know, she's gonna be messed up. Yeah. I'm not really sure what to make of her yet. The end of that scene with the mom, though, was kind of funny because she's like, yeah, I don't want him to disappoint you because then you'll be that bride sobbing on your wedding day. And she said, well, I guess that leaves you walking me down the aisle still. And her mom's like, that's right, girl. I'm like, so great. I was like, OK, you just made this even more awkward mom. Also, the mom looks like Jackie, but she doesn't talk like Jackie. And so I got kind of upset with the mom. I was like, staying character, Jackie. What do we think about the various weddings? I think the only wedding that was noteworthy was the Persian wedding in La Boheme. I mean, that looked like just such an awful wedding. Slipper strippers came out at the wedding. I died. The mom almost her head almost exploded. Yeah, it was really, really, really terrible. The scene where she's getting ready with her bridesmaids. And she they're all these like kooky white girls. And they're all talking about how they're getting their period at the same time. And then she's sitting in her hair and makeup chair in a silk robe and nothing under. And her her square group on sacks are hanging out. I'm like, Jesus Christ, like even in the scene right before you get married, you have to do everything you can to embarrass your mother. The woman showed up. She came up to you and cried that she's so happy for you hugged you. Stopping me into your mother lady. My God. Yeah, it was making me mad. Yeah, I know that entire wedding was just so ill advised. So, so terrible. I think Craig and Brandon had a nice little Palm Springs wedding. Although they had they did that thing where they were really hideous tuxedo top sort of blazer tie polo shirt, whatever's. I was like, Oh, please don't beat that couple that does that. But they did. Well, next week we get to see him dancing a tuxedo shirt like one of those full on tuxedo t shirt things. Oh gosh. By the way, I just want to say I want to pause for a moment and say Michael Cook or our beloved Michael Cook. He wrote an article about us for the Huffington Post and it is up. He just posted it on our timelines and stuff. Oh cool. Michael, thank you so much for we'll put this on on Watch for Crapons. Thank you so much for profiling us in the Huffington Post. That's really super, super cool. I can't wait to read the article. Me too. Awesome. Thanks. Cook. Cook. Yeah. Although he didn't misspell my name. It's a tough name. If I was your agent, I'd be like, Ben, you need an easier name. We're too stupid. I've called you Ben, meant, wait, I've called you Ben, meant Elgar. I mean, I called you that for the first five years I knew you. That's terrible. That's all right. That's okay. Okay. Are there any more couples in this? No, no, I actually really am into the show. I didn't think I was going to because last year I started watching it and I was like, no, but I like it because some of the characters I actually like, but also the coming this season, they really did a good job casting couples that are doomed to fail because out of any of these couples, are there any that sound like they're going to make it? I think that I think Craig and Brandon have a good shot. I don't know. Well, maybe. I don't know. I think they have the best shot. I hear the best shot. Blonde one. Is that Craig? Yeah. Craig looks crazy. And he has crazy eyes. And the other one is always sobbing and crying. And he's always mad that there's trash left everywhere. And look, a man who needs a clean home cannot be with a dirty man. It's just a fact. I don't know any slob who's married to an anal person in the gay world. It's not like an ABC sitcom where it's like, Oh, the lazy fat bad is super model wife. It's not like that, you know, like gays take that shit very seriously. Leaving a banana peel in the sink is like just it's like cheating with 14 prostitutes in Brazil and not telling the truth about it. Yeah, it's like spray painting and like, like, fags go to hell. Like, that's what a banana peel in the sink is for a gay man. It does. It's sort of funny to me, like someone who is so like, it's weird to see someone who is very into order and cleanliness, but then has a crazy blue tattoo on their Adam's apple. That's for some reason, I just wouldn't think I wouldn't put those two things together. Also that he's a hairdresser. I mean, that's like such a dirty job. You're putting your fingers in people's nasty ass scalps in their hair. And then have you ever tried to clean up hair? I mean, it is not easy, you guys. I have a dust buster and it's still hard. So that guy just wants to be miserable. So he's with somebody who will make him miserable, and now they're going to work forever. Look, you've changed my opinion. Well, yeah, we'll keep watching this show. Oh, God, there's a new episode on Wednesday, but we're not going to talk. God, do we have to talk about the next episode on the on Thursday show? Let's do it. Oh, no, not on Thursday. No, no, no, we're too busy. We're too busy. Too busy. Yeah, well, we'll Thursday. Why is it on Thursday? When the regular time is on Wednesdays. Oh, well, that's okay. We can talk about it instead of workout. Yes, please. Well, wait, what episode Thursday is Beverly Hills and Cheshire. Okay, well, if when is it the workout from last night that I saw episode four? Because I have to talk. Well, no, I don't have to talk about that. It was dumb. People are here. I don't need to watch it. Yeah, let's watch newlyweds instead of workout because workout to me is irredeemable. I hate them all. I hope they all get hit by a bus the end. Like, it's not even funny to me. Even the girl you should feel bad for who's walking around with a limp. And she's like, my, my world is over. I can't move one of my legs. I'm like, that does not excuse your bad die job. And also, you don't need to be talking about everybody the whole time. What are you doing here? Are you even a trainer? Get out of here. Use the arm bicycle. Stop complaining. So yeah, I hate that. Swim diving, swim diving, swim diving. All right, workouts canceled in this show. Newlyweds is up next. Wow. Yeah, newlyweds. Yay. Yay. Okay. So now it's a minute 53, 53. I'm just going to say 54, wait, five, six, all three, two, one. All right. Now let's move on to talk of real half swabs a little bit. Yes. Kind of a dull episode. Really not much happened. I laughed a lot because they are trying to go after Portia. And I don't know what happened to Portia. I think Portia is getting a real job where someone is telling her you cannot hit people with baseball bats on TV or you're fired. She's like, okay. And so she's being nice. And it's hilarious because they've all decided to go against Portia. But well, well, to be fair, it's mainly Don Juan's fault because Don Juan and even Shamiya, I mean, Shamiya, we'll just go after anyone to get on. But Don Juan has basically perpetuated the or like he told Candy that Portia was like talking all this shit and Portia was saying this and that and Portia was just responding. Pedro was like, well, I'm going to like be, you know, talking to Todd, like, you know, Todd has $30,000 in my money. And then Portia's like, what? So this whole, she literally says, so the reason for the fight is just about coins. She doesn't, she's not even gossiping. She's not really doing anything. She's just reacting. Well, she did though, because she said that this is about calling from a man who kept you apart the whole time. So she is talking shit, but who doesn't? Like, who cares? Yeah, well, but it wasn't, it wasn't really major shit. And so then, you know, Don Juan, you know, he comes over, he's crazy, because remember he comes over and he's like, oh, he's like, why are you being so extra? Why are you being so extra? And she's like, Don Juan, I'm not extra. He's like, well, now you're being quiet because I told you you were being extra, but you're being extra before. It's like, Oh, Don Juan, you were coked up and you're the one who is totally misinterpreted in the situation. It's embarrassing watching Don Juan. It is. It's really embarrassing. Like, what, what now you have goals? Like, you're fine with being an assistant your whole life, but now suddenly you need to spin off. Get out of here. No one wants to watch a spin off of someone fetching coffee for someone else. And then like yelling at people who don't deserve it, you don't code that shut up. And candy keeps saying, well, he was just passing by. He was pacing around them. Okay. Yeah, it was like a little shark nato that they weren't even watching because they didn't know it was approaching, you know? Yeah. Um, he's awful. Kind of hate him. I don't need to really talk too much about him. But, um, I thought it was a really interesting episode seeing candy get so salty because normally she doesn't. I mean, at the reunion, she'll fight back and she'll, she'll state her opinion or whatever, but she's really going after it this time. And it's annoying because she's kind of put on, she's putting a bad situation by her team. I'd like to think he can all get her team, but she's put on a bad in a bad situation by her team because this fight is not even worth it. And she looks stupid and candies escaped a lot of the mean tweets and stuff from people because she never does anything mean. She's always the victim. So I don't like to see a victim, you know, victimizing people like leave the poor innocent hoe alone. Okay. Right. Yeah, I, I agree. Well, I mean, but I do disagree that because candy does usually get kind of salty here and there. Like, she she'll lose it. She doesn't every season. She has the moment where she gets really mad. She got mad. I think she got mad last season during, during some crit. I think it was during there was an episode of the brawls. There was a brawl was that was that I don't remember what it was, but she got mad. They showed a flashback of it a few, you know, a few weeks ago. You know, she she'll lose her. Wait, who was she mad at? She was mad at someone. Maybe it's two seasons ago. She was like, I'm not talking about this. She usually gets mad on the trip, usually in a, in a bus. There's usually a scene of her get yelling at someone in a bus. Every season. I guess maybe it's because I'm usually on her side and she's justified because she's kind of the normal voice on this show. So I don't like when I see her being one of the other ones just fighting just to fight. It's like, yeah, you know, yes, we are bored just watching you lay back pregnant. But still, I don't know, attack someone that deserves it like Todd. Yeah. So this episode basically starts with Shamiya coming to the office to tell the team what was said because she's kind of standing up for Portia, even though she's making more drama by showing up. And then I'm only mentioning the scene because Carmen says, you know, acting like she doesn't have any money. I mean, you come around here with new titties, you could have paid me. And I just had to mention that because they mentioned her new tits, I think three times in this episode. Jesus, is that all you have, Carmen? You're in a mama Joyce wig. Like, did mama Joyce leave that in a box at one of the old houses or what? Because stop, stop. Yeah, it was a bad wig. And then Don Juan with his underground railroad, because that's all you have against Portia. She's like, literally a ho driving around and Bentley's paid for by rich Africans. That's all you got the underground railroad pay attention, cat. Yeah. And he was getting all angry all over again. He was getting all fussy. Like he was totally having the hand of Barbara Steen coming out of his ears for no reason again. He needs to get so Todd and Phaedra are next Todd goes to Phaedra's office. Perfect, perfect, perfect way of showing Todd. Little midget. Where's the baseball cap inside? Chomping on gum and pleather sleeves. Yeah, please be cool. All of all of you, your personality, your clothes, everything about you, please just shush. Yeah, yeah, exactly. He was he I mean, he is right in this situation, but gosh, he makes it hard to root for him. He's kind. I mean, look, yes, she admittedly still owes him money, but they did never finished it. And they're making it sound like they finished and she won't pay him. And she's like, no, we're gonna finish it right. I'm sorry, we haven't finished it because he's like, oh, all I need is a baby photo. It's like, how could you have been like holding up production all this time for a baby photo? Yeah, you could have got that off the internet. Yeah, that's ridiculous. I get that she's stalling. I'm not standing up for Phaedra. It's just annoying that they're making it sound like everything's completely done. And she owes him this money won't even call him back and blah, blah, blah. When they're they're making it too much. And then again, Candy goes off standing up for her husband going all over the place telling everybody that'll listen about this money, this money, this money, this money. It's all about Todd. That guy's nothing but trouble. And meanwhile, she's hiding all of Apollo's assets in her garage. Yeah, I don't know. Candy is not winning with me right now. Yeah, I agree. I think it's been I think it was I always thought it was shady the way that they put Apollo before Phaedra in that situation. I mean, holding on to a stuff and it did seem even though Phaedra, you know, we suspect that she was shady in that whole thing. Like Candy's, their allegiance should have been to Phaedra before it was to Apollo, I think. And that was shady. And it was mainly because of Todd. And you know, Candy went on to Instagram and was like, let me set the record straight. And she's like, see, Todd has like four different productions. And they were like, I was like, Hollywood wives. And then she listed then she listed Candy's ski trip as one of them. I'm like, no, that's that was a bravo production that I'm I feel pretty sure that Todd just like got to throw his production. Like he like most productions in Hollywood, if you have talent, like a that a lot of talent are able to they have their own little vanity production of a vanity credit. And and basically they can they funnel these shows through them. It's like, Oh, it's a co-production. And what it basically means is that they get a fee and whatever. And I'm sure there was some sort of input from Todd. You know, I don't know the degree to which it was, but to make it seem like, Oh, Todd, you know, Todd was the man behind Candy's factory. I'm like, I'm pretty sure it was probably the Bravo machine, you know, Pedro was being shady lady, which I love, and saying the rudest things in her talking heads. I was dying. She was like, poor Todd, he must be scrounging around in those couch cushions, looking for nickels after all his LA TV dried up. So good. And then she was saying, but then they were getting her back to because she was just blatantly lying. She's like, I haven't even seen the workout video and then they show a clip of her watching the video going, Oh, this turned out great. I love it. Cut to her watching video pregnancy photo, then I'll say it's done. Oh, just her saying, listen here, Mr. Todd Tucker, when I send the picture and it's done, I'll say it's done. And then they show the justice, the statue of justice, who's blind. Like, don't tell me what justice is. Okay, that bitch is blind because I poked her eyes out. I'll tell you what justice is saved. It's like justice isn't blind. Justice just didn't want to watch. Justice cannot look at your pleather sleeves anymore. So she's covered her eyes, get out of my office. And he goes chomping his gum out of there. Get out of here. Get out. So Portia is getting ready for the red carpet for a dish nation, which is hilarious to me because it turns out to just be. She's just like waving at people. Yeah. There goes Catherine stated. She goes out to the red carpet. She's in her suite. And her sister Lauren, who's also her assistant, is talking about how, you know, like she's pregnant and she's going maternity leave and Portia's like, what am I going to do? It's like, let's just get another assistant. I mean, you've seen the other assistants in Atlanta, like no one like, don't worry about having a qualified assistant. If anything, like you'd fit in more if you had an unqualified assistant. Have you ever seen Kim Zolsiak's crew? Like, you'll be fine. You'll be fine. Like, what do they have to do? What do they have to do? Like, buy you some Cheerios. Well, Portia's assistants. I mean, that's quite a job. It's like, don't forget to fill your car up with gas. Don't forget to make your Bentley lease payment. Don't forget to put your underwear on like Portia, you know, hold a fork for Portia, you know, make sure she's in the right wig, whatever. I would imagine that that's not easy. Keeping Portia, Portia shows up to a job every day. Did you ever think that that would happen? Someone's doing that. You know, just gets her ringtone. She's like, okay, wake up, wake up. No, I'm a real person. Literally wake up. Stop hitting my head and get out of bed. I'm not a sneezer. So then awkward, Kenyan, her dad. Yeah. She's like, dad, do you want to see my house? Well, I dare to see the house like that before. Yeah. He doesn't like anything. Hey, dad, do you want to get in a car? I'm particularly like cars. And Kenya says we don't always see eye to eye. I'm like, Oh, because he's slightly cross eyed. But I really like her dad. I really like that. And she kind of explains some of her background that her when her family broke apart, she moved to Texas and the dad finally had all the kids. And then she was a rebellious teenager and was like, f Texas, I'm going back to Detroit. So she ran back to Detroit and he wouldn't speak to her for five years. And then, you know, his feelings are still heard enough that he'll sob in a park scene. I mean, that was sad. I loved I liked how there was a flashback. You know, she's working on her relationship this season, her relationships with men. And she just she went to this seminar by a Dr. Umar. And she's like, you know, he spouts off some ridiculous bullshit. And she's like, she's like, Oh, I like Dr. Umar helped me realize that because of my dysfunctional relationships with my family, that's why I have dysfunctional relationships with men. I'm like, Oh, really, you think? Congratulations. It took you 40 years to discover that issues with your family will affect issues you have with other people. Congratulations. Sometimes I think that that kind of self searching can help. But Kenya's an narcissist and she's never going to do it unless it's on camera, which isn't real self searching. That's like fame horing. I think that she needs a real doctor. So Kenya, let me help you. You can't find men because you're a most likely a lesbian, be only attracted to yourself and see you're an asshole. Okay, you're an asshole. When you fix that, maybe you'll have a relationship. Yeah. Good luck with that. And she goes, I need to reevaluate how I find my men. I'm like, yeah, paying them rental fees is probably not a road to love. Yeah, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid. So the man speaking of stupid, yeah, the Bailey agency, Marlo comes to help decorate the place like a mobile station. So no one's uncomfortable. The claims rack sale of these sunglasses that no one needs. Yeah, exactly. One step above the Chashu shops here on Hollywood Boulevard selling, I love Hollywood t-shirts and have like a wall of cheap sunglasses. Because you know, that's pretty much it. It's like, where is the display of so cheap? Yeah. Where's the display of fake Academy Awards? Where's the photo booth where I could look like you took a picture with Brad Pitt? I love those little Academy Awards. Peter Sprew, that's one best picture. Best picture of coffee. So Cynthia, as in life, waste of time, fast forward, fast forward. So now's the intercut scene where they're cutting, just intercutting a lot of like and interesting, but still slightly amusing things. Like, Aidan is learning to golf. And Phaedra says he's just like a young Tiger Woods, the wholesome version. Yeah. And then Tutti's with her boy is saying grace and like the big excitement the scene is like, "Mom, can I put some salt on this?" She's like, "Just a little bit. Too much, too much." Carpal emergency, too much salt. Well, we finally got to meet her babysitter. The iPad mini. That's a reliable babysitter right there. Works every time. I was like, "Why am I watching Tutti like cop French fries up for her kids? Why am I watching this? Is this a warning against high sodium? What's going on? Why is this scene on?" Tutti never even talked. She was just like cutting up French fries. Well, I'm sure that like what was on the editing room floor was something like, you know, today's an exciting night because instead of cringle fries, I'm just going to do classic frozen French fries. "Can I put salt on this?" No, goddamn it! Um, actually before that was when Portia finally went on to the red carpet and she, it was like for the Emmys. And I actually thought it was sort of cute because she was out there and just like waving at the fans and she's sort of spinning around. And I actually thought it was a glimpse of the old Portia that was like sweet and naive and she looked actually like really excited to be there. And then I loved how she was basically what I would be like on the red carpet, which would be like Sofia Vergara! Sofia Vergara! Okay, bye! Bye, Sofia Vergara! "I'm from this nation! Don't you eat on it, bitch!" She's like blowing her a kiss. "I knew it works every time!" Oh, Portia. She got a great exclusive with Gary Cole, so hey, job well done. That's a rough one to get. Port Gary Cole was like standing out there waiting for a gift bag. He's like, "Are you the gift bag lady?" "No, but I like dishes!" Me too, let's try. "So, how's life after different strokes?" That was Gary Coleman. "Oh, yeah. Do you know Julia Roberts? Hey, does Senator Bullock really take the bus? Tell me everything, Gary Coleman!" So, let me say here, so now after the dad, yeah, so now we go back to the dad. Kenny has dad. Kenny shows her dad the house and he's like, "I don't like the house!" He's like, "Where are we going down the ditch or something? Why are we taking me? I thought we were going to the bottom of the ocean." And he's like, "No dad, it's just down a hill." Or, "Here, this is like when the Titanic was turned up on his side and Kathy Bates almost slid down to the boat." I'm like, "No, oh God." And then he goes, "I got a pea." And then he goes and pees in the trees. Yeah. And Kenny was horrified, so good. It sounded like something he fell over outside. Maybe it was like MJ's stack of sliders. It was MJ's nip slip. I'm like, "Make it a bull on the sidewalk." Which shakes off her bra, "Your bull." MJ takes an insta, by the way, of her tit hanging out, and then people are like, "Oh my God, her nipple!" Like, that's so shocking, you know. Wow, what a shocker. Thirsty-ass MJ putting her nipple on Instagram. Whoa, let's all discuss it for a week. And then a story comes out that says, "MJ explains her nip slip." Really? There's a follow-up article on that thing? Put that shit away. That had to be written online, or a reality team. So now, if you thought that Kenya's dad peeing on the tree was exciting, wait, you get a load of this. The next scene, Cynthia and Peter are going to dinner. So, wow. He's like, "Can I have a menu and a Sharpie?" He's like, "Peter's restaurant. Peter's lunch." So they have a double date with Candy and Todd. Two of my least favorite couples on Bravo, I have to say. I love Candy. Yeah, but Todd. I don't hate Cynthia, but I just don't know. The men dragged them both down. It's like Vanilla or French Vanilla. They're both vanilla. Clear them. Yeah, and so Peter and Cynthia, so basically it's more Candy talking about how she's mad at Porsche, because Porsche said something, and then Don, I mean, who cares? It's the same thing over and over, and this fight, I'm not buying any of this fight, and I think Todd is still wearing pleather sleeves. I'm not probably sure what's happening. Yeah, he will always wear pleather sleeves, as long as he can. That's going to be the name of his restaurant, pleather sleeves. How come your your team can be so honest with everybody else in the world, but they can't just tell Todd to buy a new shirt. I mean, Jesus Christ, how many times are you going to make Don Juan Windex those sleeves? No wonder he's pissed. Todd Tucker. So then we go to Cynthia's events. Yeah, because her Twitter event, her Twitter event. Yeah, this scene was stupid. So she has a Twitter event for her 7/11 sunglasses, and Marlow is there. Marlow is wearing something that hearkens back to Lil Cam at the VMAs, where like one boob is hanging out, but it's covered with almost like a pasty, but in this case, it looked like it just a giant nipple, like a huge nipple over her nipple. That was a wet nurse nipple. Yeah, that was a nipple that that's like the neighborhood watering hole that nipple. Yeah, it was a big old pancake. Yeah, it was like the biggest curse word ever. They're just like trying to black it out. Nope, it's just a big circle. Yeah, it's a nipple on Marlow. For Marlow, she tries hard. Marlow stood us up once though. So I can't, I'll never have total sympathy for her because she was supposed to come on this show. She didn't stand us up. Yes, she did. No, she was going to come on the show. We gave her a time, and then they said she's 30 minutes late, and we were like, really? And they said, yeah. And they said, no, she's an hour late, and we said, no, no more. We're not going to interview her. Oh, I'm sorry. So she didn't have emailing us, I think, for three weeks. Oh, I didn't know that again. And we kept saying no. I'm not doing that. I mean, it's going to be hard enough coming up with shit to ask Marlow in the first place other than, were you a man? Are you a man who turns you into a man? Do you consider yourself a man? That's really it. So otherwise, who cares? Bye. Yeah. So yeah, she didn't stand us up. We actually told her to go fuck it. Oh, good. So I like that. Because look, no one needs to be waiting for an hour to talk to Marlow. I mean, my god, lady, get out of here, get over yourself. Exactly. Exactly. So Marlow's there. And I actually really like Marlow on the show now. I do. I like Marlow on the show, but like, I mean, you know, we're not going out of our way to book her. Well, I would feel bad about talking shit about Marlow, but I know she's not going to listen to this for 30 years because her ass is always late. Yeah, later. So anyway, Marlow's there. I don't even know why. So this whole party, oh, well, it opens with 2D going up to candy and saying, girl, we got some candy coated night to my house. And Candy is like, Kegel balls, introduce like Kegel balls. No, I mean, we put some salt in the french fries last night. And he's like, Oh, is that what you call it? No, she's like, no, literally, we put some salt on the french fries. Candy coated nights, wild, right? Get me out of here. Oh, my boys play with these little nights, these little nights of the round table figures. And we actually coded them with candy. And then they ate them with salt on them. She's like, I gave my son a little caveman to play with his dinosaur, which is not historically accurate. But we thought, why not? Let's be crazy. Candy coated nights. Candy coated nights. We have a five people in the carpool instead of four crazy. So 2D is getting some, which is hilarious. And yeah, she probably was just like ironing your husband's mom doctors. Yeah. Meanwhile, speaking of 2D, so Cynthia had decided that she wants to shoot commercial for her shades. And so she goes up to Kenya and 2D and it's like, I want you both to produce and direct my commercial. I'm like, is this the apprentice? Like, what's, like, why would you hire both of them, especially? I mean, it was such an obvious, like scripted moment from the producers, like, okay, we need to have some conflict in the season. Why don't we have 2D and Kenya direct a commercial together? Yeah, it's the most fun things on these shows. I know that they're all set up, like, duh, we're not stupid, but the most fun is when they set things up, but then they go to shit anyway. And this stuff, when they're chasing around Porsche, really, for no reason. I mean, talking shit, if anything, Candy should be getting shit for sicking her evil staff on people and also making Carmen wear a mama Joy's wig. Not cool. One of the shortcomings I've always felt of Atlanta pretty much outside of season one. And maybe, you know, last season was good, too. But one of the shortcomings is that a lot of times there's just not enough conflict to sustain a season. So they throw in these, like, really obviously fake plot things where, you know, oh, look, it's like 2D and Kenya working on a commercial together, or like, hey, there's Kim and Nini fighting and a tour bus over nothing, and that'll be a feud for the next two years. You know, they just sort of throw shit in there to make the drama, as opposed to letting it unfurl naturally as it would as it has on OC or Beverly Hills in New York. Well, none of these women actually let them into their real lives. Like, Porsche, I want to see Porsche selling herself on the internet. That is what I want to see. Hola, hola, hola, hola, hola, hola, hola, hola, hola. I want to see her, like, on dates with all the men from Africa that buy her things. I want to see where she got her purse, okay? I want to see Candy being ignored by Todd because you know he never speaks to her at home. I want to see that. I want to see 2D. I imagine that is her real life. Don't really need to see that yet. I just, who else is on it? I feel like seems like the women on it, Phaedra has never given us an honest moment in her life, except when she was being chased around by an empty screw gun with a wallow. Other than that, everything is so manufactured, and she's so funny. Well, that's the thing. They're funny, and they will have these moments of intensity, like, they'll be like a fight, like, twice a season, they'll be a big fight, and they'll be these arguments, but they're not really, these are not, the women themselves are not really that interesting. Like, there's nothing going on in their lives that's particularly interesting. If anything, they're just doing stupid shit, like, selling sunglasses or how to make it so much better than that. What does Cynthia do while Peter's gone all day? I know she's not staring at the garden like she does on this show. She might be. I want to know what they're really doing. Yeah, that's, and that's, I think that's a valid request, but I'm saying this is why Atlanta never quite breaks the top tier for me because outside of them all being like outrageous characters, they're not, they just never have like the, you know, the stuff that sustains it, like, this feud with Portia is so like, it's so small. It's so uninteresting. I mean, Candy's ski trip was really good. Or these, the seasons where Candy was really going out with her mom were good because that's like, that's like a real issue and a real conflict, you know, that, that, that they're working on and working through. But like this shit, it's just like, and why isn't Shire fighting more? Why isn't Shire getting into the mix more? She's so nice. She's not rid of Shire, like, she's not even on it now. I don't know what happened with her, but she's not on it. I guess probably because she wasn't fighting with anybody. She needs to get her act together fight. He is. I like, it's like Shire some of my favorite Shirees scenes like when we saw her apartment and that mattress on the floor. I mean, that's what I want to see. Okay, I want to see Phaedra getting caught with chocolate. I want to see that. I want to see all of that. I want to see a mama joy slashing people's tires or like, that's the real shit you've got the people on it are interesting. They just don't show any real part to them because they're all too polished. That's why they used to recast housewives more than they do now. Anyway, so the Kenyan dad walk was interesting. We already kind of talked about what they talked about. So at this party, though, the thing that happened at this party, that candy right over it, they're dumb. Portia goes up to Kenya's like, can we talk privately? Kennedy's like, sure. And then she starts to go. And then, of course, Don Juan and Carmen come walking up and Portia's like, actually, I want to just talk to you privately. And it's like, well, why can't they be there? And I don't know. And like, I understand why they can't be there because Don Juan, but in last time, and so Portia wants to have her say. And, but then candy was like, you know, candy was like, well, I'm not going on my way to talk about blah, blah, blah, blah. Candy gets like chippy. And then Don Juan gives a fake apology. He's like, I apologize if I was aggressive, but I don't apologize for what I said, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, I still don't understand how Portia why she's accountable for all this mess. No, she was Phaedra saying all of this stuff. Go after Phaedra. I mean, yeah, I did say some stuff, but Candy's being ridiculous. And then she actually said, I don't know if it's in the scene, but Candy at one point, oh, when she's talking to Peter and Cynthia, Peter's like, you didn't love for her. Because remember, or that time you put it in that musical? Yeah, you did Porsche a huge favor. Okay, you did. You cast somebody who is not only on one of the top-rated cable shows ever, which is the housewives. Yes. But you also put her auditionation, which is a nationally syndicated show with a huge audience. Of course, she's going to put her in the musical. Portia, did you more a favor by being in your shitty musical than you did putting her in it, like you didn't do anybody any favors with that shit musical. Your own mother barely went to that thing. Get out of here. Get out of here. Get over here. So you used to be nice. Now you're just an asshole. Like, realize what you're doing here. She's not an asshole. She's been given bad information by trusted people. And so she is getting what the intel that she's getting is that Portia was going off and being like a bitch, which is not what happened. But that's what she's hearing that Portia did this, Portia that, Portia that. And unfortunately, Portia, you know, she has a history of being a yap or whatever. So it's hard for Portia to say, no, I wasn't saying that at all. Like, it's hard for Candy to take her side necessarily, understandably. But it's just it sucks because Candy is getting bad intel. And it's like, it's time for Candy to start questioning Don Juan and Carmen as reliable friends for this kind of stuff. It's easier for Candy to have mouthpieces tell everybody off for her. You know, it's no accident that that's Mama Joyce's daughter. Like she gets to sit there and be victimized by Mama Joyce all the time. And then the world gets to tell off Mama Joyce for her because she'll never confront it. You know, and then she gets taught to be an asshole to everybody. And then she gets all her frustrations about Apollo and Phaedra out through Todd. Then she has Carmen and Don Juan standing up to, because she's got Carmen to stand up to her mom. And then she's got Don Juan to yell it up women for her. It's like, you know what, you're starting to be a little transparent here. Grow a pair, Candy, for Christ's sake, lady. Yeah. Yeah. Well, anyway, so the next scene is Kenya walking with her dad. And the big news here is that her dad loves trees. Like, he loves trees. Like, he's like, he's a man just like inhaled saliva. He's like, he's like, let's leave. I don't care, dude. Love is more true. I love, I love the tree. I'm walking around outside looking at the tree. And she's like, Dad, I'm sorry that I left you when I was 12 and ran away. Because our family, our family was a tree. It was like this tree right here. And you were like a tree that ran away. I'm like, okay, you need to give up the tree eventually, because trees can't run. I was weeping, weeping as much as the first time I saw Willow. I was like a weeping Willow. Hey, it's my favorite tree. Audible's best of 2024 picks are here. Discover the year's top audiobooks, podcasts and originals and all your favorite genres. 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That was sad, but of course this is, it's supposed to be Kenya bonding with her dad, but she's rolling her eyes the whole time, trying not to yell at him because he gets on her nerve so bad. So she does apologize and it's sweet and she cries and he cries and they hug and then she's like, I want to have a family reunion. And he's like, I'm not going back there because apparently he doesn't talk to people either. It's like this family is no one likes each other in the family. So she's like, well, you know, I'll get us free plane tickets and we'll have a camera crew. What better way to confront your issues. And we see next week that she goes to her mom's house with a camera crew and it's like, mom, it's Kenya, I want to talk to you. Oh my god, this is so gross on so many levels and I can't wait. Yeah. So that in the episode, episode ends with Candy and Portia at lunch. And they're hashing things out. And then it comes down to, you know, Portia being more friends with Phaedra. And that's when, and so Portia was like, well, I think that Phaedra needed me more than you needed me. And then basically they just started yelling. They're yelling at each other. They're, my favorite part is that they're yelling, yelling, yelling, yelling, yelling. And then all of a sudden they go, well, I'm glad we cleared it up. And they're like, yeah, you too. Anyway, check, please. To my favorite things. Okay, I love how you start seeing certain things about them when they get really mad. Candy's is the weave scratch. So when she's giving that, when she's giving that look and she scratches her weave, she did that like five times when she was getting pissed. And that was killing me. And also when I didn't mention before was when Phaedra was in the, was in her dental lawyer, um, accountant's office or whatever with Todd Tucker. And he's, she's thinking, she's letting him think he gets one up on her or whatever. And then she does that thing where she drinks from her drink really, um, priscally with her pinky finger hanging in the air. That is like a fuck you from Phaedra. And she's done it in the past three fights. And every single time I laugh out loud, I'm going to get little gifts of those just to send them to people when I don't have a response. Like, go fuck yourself. You should fuck yourself. Yeah. Um, so it's going to be good coming up because this show, it'll trick us. We'll be like, we're bored. This is dumb. It's manufactured. And then boom, they're at Kenya's mom's house. Then they do something crazy. Yeah. So looking forward to that. Yeah. So now, now we can move on to Vanderpump rules. I dare you to move on to Vanderpump rules. So speaking of Chrissy Teigen today, I guess it's her birthday. Well, maybe it's not her birthday. I don't know whose birthday it is. But, um, uh, so John Legend got on a piano and performed the, um, the Vanderpump rules theme song. It's already giving me a play. Give it to me. Give it to me. Give it to me. Give it to me. This is the time. These are the better days of our life. This ways our class is high. This one's for you tonight. This is just loops over and over and over again. So good. That song is really pretty. It is, it is, it is pretty, I guess, when John Legend draws it out like that. Short man in love. You better. Bubble buck. Bubble buck, bubble buck. I love a short man in love, you guys. John love you. Keep on playing those ivories. And I'm so sorry, Chrissy Teigen, that you don't want to come on our podcast and talk about Vanderpump rules with us because we could have all been standing around that piano singing it with your husband. We could have all been there. We were all rooting for you. We'll record one special song for you, Ben. Let it go. Let it go. That's it. I don't even know the rest of the words. That's all. Chrissy Teigen, who cares? Yeah. You're going to interview somebody. Let's do John Legend. I mean, I want to know what that guy thinks about the swans. Yeah. He'll understand. Chrissy Teigen's like, she's dumb. John Legend, not dumb. Now that's a man I want to question about Vanderpump rules. Ivy League educated. And he used to be a consultant at BCG. Well, there you go. I love their clothes. No, BCG is Boston Consulting Group, not BCBG. What if he was a consultant on Bad Girls Club? No, that would be interesting. That was pretty much us. We were at Bina Murray when Bad Girls Club was going on. Yes, I had to try and come up with some internet spin-offs for them. I was like, okay, how about one where people vote and the one who wins gets to get run over by a bus and fall over the street. And then we all laugh. And they're like, can we have some serious ideas? That was not a joke. I'm all like, I'm all like that. All right. So now on to Vanderpump rules being what episode. What an episode. Well, it started off with our favorites, Hanky, Hanky and Panky, and Lisa, Lisa telling them, be nice to each other. Be nice to Hanky, Panky. All right, look, I got to look like Hanky, so there's someone to be nice to Hanky. All right. Don't turn on Hanky. All right. Meanwhile, the black swans are still in the corner like, we'll kill both those bitches. Yeah. They have a little pocket knife under the water. You know that like when Lisa turns her back, it totally turns into West Side Story there. It's like, I want to be in Villarosa. I want to be in Villarosa. I want to be in Villarosa. I want to be in Villarosa. I want to be in Villarosa. And Panky falls in love with like Nell Carter or whatever one of the other swans. But then the other swans are all mad. Oh, there's a pond in this room. And then they all come together at the end because they realize it's such a tragedy. And if we can agree on anything, it's that Kyle's ankles need to be bit. All this one just turned on Kyle. Like that's how they deal with it. Like someone killed Panky. That was Hanky's should love. Now let's all go after Kyle Richards. We can all come together because we have hate. That's all they needed those Montague's and the other ones. What are they from Shakespeare? I forget the family's names. Montague's and capillates. The capillates and the Montague's. That's all they needed was a good Richards to hate on. When you're a swan of his at the end from your first breathing day to your last time. Just keep the lyrics the same. When you're a swan, just keep them all the same. But that's actually the funny part about that song is that that's I can imagine Lisa just speaking that song. When you're a swan, you're a swan to the end from your first cigarette your last time day. When you're a swan, you can do what you want. She's just explaining to her friends. The swans are actually such a perfect symbol of this show. They're a swan store. Beautiful, but they're stupid and can't speak English correctly. They basically only do your own things. Muddy the water and shit on the bridge. But we still watch. We still watch. And then every now and then they get carried around and taken to the doctor. They pour water on all their bread before they eat it. This one's this one shave their foreheads to look young. This one's like, whoa, gotta go to top shop. The swans. Oh, this has nothing to do with swans. But Tom Sandoval, did I mention last week that that A is like the scarlet letter? Yes. Did I because last night I was like, oh my god, this is like the scarlet letter. But the guy has to wear instead of the girl. And then I thought, I already say that. You did. We had a whole last week was very literary. We talked about scarlet letter. We talked about F Scott Fitzgerald. We were really like showing off our brains. This week is more like, I'm like, I forgot, which shows you pretty much an honest reveal of my brain. This week, we're like, let's do a West Side Story with swans. Leonard Guistain. Tonight. Tonight. We'll kill a midget. Don't be too. Half his lame ass. Put down and turn to glue. Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun. Let me call him. I'm out of my West Side Story songs. That was all that happened on Vanderpump Rules. Also, Tom proposed. Okay. Thanks. So this opens with the swans. Hank has a new swan. All right. Next, Tom number two comes over and talks to Lisa about finally proposing to Katie. I don't care what any of you say. I love Lisa Vanderpump. She makes me laugh out loud every single time. She's like, oh, you're going to ask her finally. All right, then let's keep it a secret, shall we? And then she just whispers the rest of the scene, which I don't know why, but I thought that was so fucking funny. I thought when you said I don't care, like you're going to say, not I don't care what everyone says. I hate I love this Vanderpump. I thought you're going to say, I don't care about this because I honestly like Tom Schwartz, you know, he you know, Tom Schwartz, heavy storyline, it's always a little bit of a snoozer. It's always, you know, it's like cute, but this show, we don't want cute. We want like, salacious activity. We want people boning and then lying about it and then fighting about it. That's what I want. I don't want any of this like, yeah, so like, Bubba and I have been together. I think I'm finally ready to make that to take the take the deep dive off the platform and to engage me. But I don't know, like maybe I mean, I mean, I mean, I love her, but you know, my ready because, you know, I'm a model. And so like, God, so hard. Look, you're too old to be this much of a pussy. Also, whoever you're paying to cut your hair, it looks like he did that alone in the dark. I had to pause on his hair because it's so misshapen and oddly cut. I cut my Papa's hair over Christmas and it looks better than that. And I was hi as fuck. Come on, Tom, like you can't be a pussy and a bad self help or a bad self hair cutter. Yeah, he did do one thing in the scene that I liked. He was talking about how he's finally got the nerve to ask Katie to marry him. This was in his testimonial talking head thing. And he was making the symbol with his hands down by his crotch. Could just like he was talking, but he was making the international pussy symbol. You know, where you put your index fingers together and your thumbs together. He was making that symbol as he talked. And I was like fitting your fucking pussy. Good luck, Katie. Good luck. Good luck with that one. She's already giving herself a hoho coat. This is all she needs is to be married to you. God bless. So then Tom, a Sandoval, then he goes to Dr. Tadd off to get his Tadd off. And so the funny thing is that, so he and Ariana go into this consultation and the doctor is like, okay, let's see the let's see the tattoo. And he it's on his butt. So we sort of lowers his pants. And the doctor's like, um, you don't have to bend over. I just love that he just like presents in that way. He's like, here, let me shove my ass in your face. He's like, it's only going to count if I can wink at you at the same time. It's like, okay, put it away. No one needs that. I always, Derek Hazelson wrote on our Facebook, can we please address that the not gay one is always trying to show his ass, which is so funny. He's always like, look, it's my ass. Look, I've been sitting down and it's my ass. Look, it's still my ass, Kristen. All right. You've got a smooth little ass. Okay, congratulations. And she said, this is scabbing over. And if I remove it now, you'll have this forever, which isn't going to be longer than your relationships. So let's just go ahead and leave it for a while. And, uh, oh, I forgot I was going to laugh at that. But then Ariana sitting there giving these. Oh, no, he said, she said, unless you go into the sun, he goes, Yeah, but what about a tanning bed? And she goes, uh, who does that? Yeah, she totally says in 2016, he's like, uh, well, the best is my favorite part of that is that they cut to a flashback of him getting into tanning bed. And all you hear him say is the GX 5000. We was like, yeah, well, I'm going to go to Hawaii. So yeah, I need a tan. Like, if you show up on Hawaii without a tan, you look like a tourist. Yeah, you look like a tourist because you're on a party bus with a bunch of drunk people with rubber faces screaming and yelling and barfing all over town. Okay, you're going to look like a tourist anyway, dumb, dumb. I just like the idea that he got so excited by the GX 5000, a son tan model, son, son bed tanning bed model. Like, as if he just reads from like tanning bed quarterly, like finally it's out, you know, email update list. Yeah, he has like behinds on the Kickstarter for the GX 6000. Watching the GX 6000. Yeah. And I love also that the doctor is basically Stasi. Like, who does that anymore, tanning? Does that? I know they can never escape. And someone who just wants to get over Kristin, he's like, yeah, this doctor is a friend of Kristin. And so I know it's going to get back to Kristin. Who cares? Like, stop talking about Kristin if you don't care. Kristin. So a close up of this tattoo, I didn't really look at it closely enough, I guess, last time. But this close up revealed that it's made out of scales. Like, it's a snake A, which I think is hilarious because much like David Badour presented Shannon with a dragon bracelet that she was so honored. You know, being a dragon lady isn't really a compliment, guys. He's like, yeah, I got a tattoo. It's an A made out of snakeskin because they're cold blended, get it? She's like, uh, thanks. That's so romantic. I don't, I just don't understand why the A is so oddly shaped. It's like one side of the A just sort of trails off into nothing. It's like this weird sort of cursive. You know, it's like when you type cursive, like they're using cursive font and it's like designed in a way that they all connect to each other. So it's like the weird connecting part, but there was no other next letter, like normal with normal handwriting, you would never have like made a trail off for so long. But in this case, it's like still going well. Very specific specific observation by me, but I don't get your tattoos that things remembered. Okay. They only have connecting fonts. Tom darling, darling. So then, uh, Jax and Shina and Kristin go to a bar and for some reason I started laughing because as soon as they get there, she just goes, "Well, she'll get drinks!" I don't know. Whenever she just declares something, it just cracks me up with her voice. "Well, it's a bar. We should have drinks!" She's sounding more and more like a puppet these days. "Well, she'll get drinks and glasses!" She really talks like that though. I was, the slow, I'm gonna, my real New Year's resolution is to do better imitations because really I have four. So I was trying to do a better one for her and I listened to her say a few lines over and over and I was like, "Yeah, she really talks like that." She does. "Right, we're waiting on it. Hey, you know what I like? A shot!" So then, uh, so then Jax is talking about Brittany who's moving. She's driving across the country to LA and then they show some, um, shots of Brittany's Instagram and it was so stupid. There's one of her lying on a bed and the caption says, "I hate hotel pillows. Hashtag goodnight." Well, it's hard to get used to a pillow when you're used to resting your head on a pile of newspapers from the 80s. God bless her heart. Poor Brittany. Brittany is not just some 20-year-old idiot either, okay? That girl has got the crow's feet of a coal miner. She's still got coal on her face, okay? That's from like a coal mining family. Jax is like that ladder out of the tunnel, you know? She's basically in Kentucky with like a huge coal, you know, from a crashed in coal mine honor and she's just like, "Give me a--" He's like, "You're 20 and hot. No, she's not. She's like 40. She's 40 and full of coal and I cannot wait to see her rip Jax a new one because this bitch isn't just some innocent little thing. This is some girl from a Sydney Sheldon novel who acts like she's this dumb, innocent little thing. No girl who shows up wearing a pink sweatshirt that says Kentucky and non-ironic short shorts is innocent, okay? She's playing you, cannot wait to watch her win this show because she's going to win. She's going to unleash that Appalachian attitude on her on him soon and it's going to be good. She's got enough lung space to blow your house down, bitch. You better watch out. So that's later. So she's coming. This is the weirdest scene A, because Jax's face looks like it's made out of authentic teepee skin. What the hell? It looks like they have had some goat roasting on a lawn for hours to get it to look like that. What is happening to Jax week by week? He's the human wigwam. Oh, I forgot what a wigwam is. Tell me. Basically like a teepee. It's like a different shape. Darling, I'm from a land of real Indians. All right. We have real teepees built by real Native Americans. Every Christmas we go burn them down and take their children, darling. Start all over again. Welcome to America. I'm yelling. Chef Penny, do not abandon your wigwam. Do not abandon the wigwam. Darling, I've got a new event with teepee teepees. Teepee teepee. What's in the street, Alan? Four o'clock teepee. Are you coming over for afternoon teepee? We get into a teepee and drink tee and then pee. Darling, it's great. I don't have to go peepee because I live in a teepee and I don't have any teepee. Do you know what I mean? Chef Penny, do you like my word play? It's very funny, is it not? Oh, thank you, Pinky. Hanky, you're a little slow on the uptake there, original. We've made a wigwam for hankies. That way you can feel secure at night. We've made a new teepee for Jackson's face made out of the little midget donkey horse we had skinned and turned into midget. It was a lame horse, so we decided what better way than to fix Jackson's face and kill the little horse and use the skin for new skin and use his hoofs for new glue. When the strange place really quickly, really quickly. We're on scene two. Okay, so. So anyway, so then they start talking about Ariana because the whole thing is that they're still mad because they want Kristen to be able to come to Jackson's joint birthday party and Ariana does not want it. And now she knows, like, she's a bad attitude. I love her. She's got an attitude. I can't believe that she would have a bad attitude a year after my wedding. I'm going to make her campus different of her bad attitude, so it stares at her while she's trying to watch they not do drag slow American midget warriors on. I'm going to give her a drug test except she's not going to be tossing for a drug. She's going to be tossing for bad attitude. And if I say she has a bad attitude on the stick, then she's disinvited from the party. You broke the drug stick because your bad attitude pastry must do hard. So then Lala shows up and then now Kristen's mad at Lala again. And she's like, seriously, like, don't act like you're my friend. And then keep hooking up with my axe, seriously. But that's everybody you're friends with. Like, and it didn't even phase Lala. Kristen's like, Oh, hi, Lala. How's it burning James? Lala's like fine, whatever. She's like, good. You want to fuck Jax? I like that Lala shows right up and just acts like a total ho. So funny. And, you know, part of me thinks she's doing it on purpose, but the other part of me doesn't because she talks about it later. And she's like, yeah, but Jax, like, I mean, I was gonna fuck him. But like, I'm glad I didn't fucking because now I find out he has a girlfriend. And like, I mean, really? She is getting off with leading him on and I'm not even I'm not even saying that in a way like she's leading him on. It's more like, she knows he has a girlfriend. She knows. And that's why she's doing it because she has no intention. Well, I don't know. Maybe she does have intention, but I think that she really likes toying with him. I think she likes flirting with him hard knowing that he can't do anything about it. I think she gets off on it. And the moment that he becomes available, she's like, ew, no, well, she she's turned him down over and over. But this time she said she texted him at three in the morning and was like, come fuck my brains off. And got into my bed. Yeah, the next day he wrote, I just saw this the next morning. So there's something weird going, I can't really figure Lala out because she's a mama. One talented dead eyed hooker. I mean, it takes a lot of hooking to get your eyes that dead where they will reveal nothing. She should be playing poker. She is like a she is like a sociopathic hoe. I mean, she just she goes back and forth between Jax and James to the point where it's like it's just blatant at this point. She's not even playing them. She just ping ponging. Yeah, and she's never having sex with them either, which is so crazy. I mean, they said on watch what happened. She said somewhere that she hooked up with James once, but she was so blackout drunk. She can't remember it. Who was she being interviewed? Oh, who was she being interviewed by? God damn it. It was some other some other bravo podcast. She was being interviewed by and they said, well, a lot of people would consider that date rape. And she's like, no, I mean, I wouldn't call it that. Like, I mean, so what? I mean, I was blacked out. It's like, not the first time. And in this episode, she's like, yeah, I mean, I wouldn't have remembered it because I was blackout drunk. So, I guess she does that a lot where she she pulls the old Lauren from Real Housewives of Shisha. Maybe I was drunk then because I don't remember saying that. I didn't remember saying that, but I'm still well, and so she basically Lala is just antagonizing everybody. She's doing it on purpose. First, she gets the girls on her side. Now she's antagonizing them on purpose by like being in Jackson's butt crack the whole time. And then talking about how she just likes making up with James. So Kristen wants her dead. And Kristen, you don't even work there anymore. Like, do an Applebee spinoff, bitch. Like, what are you even doing here? And then she's like, I'm trying to like her. And then Lala does like five shots. Love it. They just get drunk. Yeah, this was a weird thing, a weird scene just because I really don't know where Lala is coming from. And I'll like it. It's a mystery. I like it. Then the next scene, I was, I definitely was like chuckling because they show Tom cleaning and he just smashes open a bottle of Sambuca. And that's that's terrible. That's watching him like smash it open by accident and then just watching it all drain out and look in the space and Lisa's right there. She's like, what's what's happening? What's happening? What's happening? What have you done to Hanky? Why did you bring Hanky? Darling, you're spilling the Sambuca. Oh, dear. All right. Clean up all the glasses. Oh, I'm watching you. Uh, move that glass. All right. Now move that glass. All right. Now move that glass. This scene for reals is going to be the whole scene. And Tom go to this. The editors are awful human beings and I love them. Tom goes. I hate Sambuca. It's sticky. It's gross. I can't think of a worse smell. Enter Katie. Yeah. Dying editors. Such good work. So Katie enters doing her weird pregnancy hiding behind a salt and pepper tray. She's gained weight because she gained weight this season. So she's trying to hide everything. Well, get a bigger tray girl. What do you at least get a food runner's tray? What are you hiding behind a tiny tray of salt and pepper shakers? Yeah. It's like the worst pregnancy hiding I've ever seen in my life or ho ho hiding. Whatever she's hiding. Stop hiding it. You're fine. You're pretty no matter what your weight is. Stop hiding behind salt and pepper weirdo. Yeah. So she's there holding this salt and pepper tray the whole time. And you knew, you know, this took like two hours to film. Yeah. Like we almost as long as it will take to discuss it. I'm sorry, but she's hiding behind a salt and pepper tray. Couldn't get over that. All right. So anyway, blah, blah, blah. And then Katie goes, what did Lisa say is something about something that Tom committed to? Oh, they were asking you about the business. And Lisa's like, well, neither one of them has come up with anything good yet. Have you come up with one single idea? And Santa was like, well, I wish he would let me speak first. You have her alone now. You can speak. He still has nothing to say. And Katie goes, well, you know, this like sangria business. Like, I'm just really excited to see Tom committed to something. Like, if you're going to be a trash man, be a good trash man. Lisa's like, Oh, darling, reminds me. Take out the trash which he put down the train. Take out the trash. Katie, I know Katie's doing nothing this year. But those salt and peppers were full. And I didn't see any crust on them. I looked. All right. The next scene is Britney showing up in her Kentucky shirt about to ruin everybody's lives. Exactly. Britain is in town. And I like that she's talking with Jack. He could not have looked any more. That's the right word. Sad, disappointed, angry, flummoxed. He's like, what? He's skinned full of regret, full of wigwam regret. He's like, Oh, God, why? What have I done? What have I gotten myself into? She's like, I'm here. Now we can find us at our lives together. I can take a nap at your place and move all my stuff into your room. And he's like, yeah, great. Well, of course, James comes by and he introduces himself. And of course he's, you know, James is so, he's so skinny. He's like, you move quickly, Jack's a boy. Move real quickly. Jack say, boy. I hope you like quick movers because that's what you got. Jay, Jack, say boy. Look at you, Britney. Love your sweatshirt, darling. You move quicker than my God for the George Michael. He's so gross. Jack's is so gross. It's like two of the grossest people on Bravo in the same scene. Jack's is like, well, it doesn't matter anymore. If I wanted her not because she's here, dude, it took her 32 hours to drive here. You changed your mind in 32 hours. Like you just told her to come here. You piece of shit. He said she'll be done soon enough. Oh, she's going to get something out of it first, though. I can't wait. Oh, yeah. Well, she'll definitely get something if she doesn't already have it, if you know what I'm saying. Well, meanwhile, Lala on the other side of the restaurant, she is about to go on the local news at five with her anchor woman makeup, so much foundation on. I mean, it is full on pancake. She just stuck, she just took her face and just stuck it into a big vat of Lancome or whatever. She's wearing more makeup than a guy who works at Sephora. Yeah. That says a lot. I mean, she is camera ready for it. I mean, she is it's it's thick. Also, you know, who else is wearing way too much makeup, Britney, you know, who else jacks? I mean, Jesus Christ, man, Britney is wearing makeup from like 1982. And she still looks like she's wearing less makeup than you. Yeah. So, so Lala has all this makeup on and James comes over to her and gives her like a kiss on the lip. They like kiss as if they're together. And she's like, Oh my God, I had no idea that Britney was like a real girlfriend. Like, I thought like she was just a girl, but it's like a real girlfriend. Like, I never would have flirted with him so much. If I had realized that I'm like, it's so weird that you're she's telling us to James, the other guy that she's boning or not boning. But like, like, what world is this? Like, what what Bizarro land is this? Where you complain about flirting with one guy to the other guy that you're flirting with? It's so strange. Los Angeles. Yes. I mean, what can you say? And then James, of course, like a little child runs right over to her. Did you see that Jax has his girlfriend here? Did you see that? Oh, look at Jax with his girlfriend, darling. Look at that. She's not even a basic bitch. She's just a regular bitch. And I can talk with what do you think about darling? Darling, take a good look at this. This is what you can be having for the rest of your life now. Oh, with his weird little bobble head. Gross. So, that's gross. And then, of course, James, as classy as ever tells us, quite frankly, mate. He's like calling us mate. He's like, quite frankly, mate. She should have fucked my brains out by now. She's the teas, mate. I got teas. All right, man. Well, and then I love how it's funny because I wrote down a note about it because James is talking about going to Hawaii and that I'm like, why does James think he's going to Hawaii? Which, of course, then becomes a thing later on in the episode. But then Jax asks for time off from Lisa, and she's like, oh, I hate when they arrange these elaborate group trips. I'm like, woman, you're on a reality show. They do this every single year. Like, you love it. Also, did they build Lisa an office set? Because Lisa don't have no office that she sits there and writes paychecks. No, they have break. No, because they own. So, they own the, I think they rent the little office space that's above it, which is funny. That's where my, my former manager used to be. That's where I used to go up. That was her office. So, I used to always go up there. So, it's funny to see the Vanderpump rules people there. I'm like, where's my, I don't know, but did they have to pull Pandora's name off the door? Because you know, Lisa isn't sitting there with pink filing boxes writing out paychecks. There is no way in hell that that's happening. Yeah. Well, the thing is, it's like a tiny space up there. So, it's funny that they're making it look like this big executive, executive office one. It's like the size of like a closet. Yeah. It looks like a traditional manager's closet, which usually, they're, you know, in the back of the kitchen or, you know, some empty pantry somewhere. They're usually sad. And it kind of was that, but it had those pink filing boxes. And I was like, she actually goes to an office and I just don't believe that. I don't believe it. I think it's like Pandora's office or something. And Lisa's like, darling, I need to sit somewhere. I can't watch Katie Stan. There were certain pepper shakers anymore. I was sitting, we're sitting in your office. All right. Mummy's office now changed the name plate. Not me. Yeah. So anyway, she's giving Jack so much shit. And Lisa loves these scummiest men in the world, Muhammad much. And that makes me kind of lovely. So, you know, she just likes her devilish little man. She loves James. She loves Jacks. So they're talking about Hawaii. And it's her only question. It's like, who's going to be working at the restaurant, darling? Chorus coming here by the busload. Who's going to be our Mickey mouse, darling? Richard Anderson cannot do it. He won't even speak, darling. Eric, the bartender doesn't speak. I need someone to speak, darling. Keep James here. Let me tell you something. The service has never been as good at sir as when the entire cast goes to Hawaii. All of a sudden, it's like, Oh, look, I'm getting my appetizer within 10 minutes. As the guy rating has gone up 20,000 points. Thank you very much. Suddenly people know what to pair the pin on Huawei. It's amazing. Good to Hawaii. Finally, someone knows how to pronounce empanata. Finally, someone could give a proper recommendation for Sicilian penne pasta. So they talk about the invite and who are the invite list and Max is on it. And she's like, please don't take Max, darling. Please don't. It wants Max hanging out with this group of idiots on vacation, darling. I mean, look. And then they show a clip of like, the terrible things. And then they start adding clips that aren't even vacations. Like, Jack's taking off his sweater to fight somebody in the Grove parking lot. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that was in Vegas, I thought. Oh, it was. I thought that was at the mixology or whatever. Either way, she's like, Max already has an swimming upstream, but with him being adopted and all the last thing he needs is this group. And when they show Max with his like newly gelled hair and his mustache is trying to grow. And he's apparently boning faith, which is so cute. You see, faith knows faith is going to hook up right. If you're going to hook up with anybody in this cast, make it a van to pump. Yeah, James is like, you know, the funny thing about faith is that it was written by my godfather, George Michael. You got to have faith, faith, faith. You got to have faith. Faith. Hey, Jaxie boy. Oh, looks like you lost out to Max, didn't you? Jaxie boy. Too slow, and like, come, Jaxie boy. If your son is trying to have sex with something that my uncle was trying to have sex within a bathroom, then that's his fault. So speaking of faith, then there's this scene of faith and lala. And faith is going on this trip. And faith is like, I'm so excited to go to Hawaii because I really need to get out of the US period. Like, oh, faith, congratulations. You just sealed another season for yourself on random pump rules. We're like, you seem nice and and friendly. But now that you showed us that you're stupid, you're part of the family. Congratulations. So, what did lala say? She touched James Peepy. Did she have sex with him? Or just touched just Peepy? I don't know. She's like, I touched Peepy. I need my mama. I touched Peepy. What's it like? MC ignores it. And she goes, what was facing? Like, why is he even attractive? I don't get it. And I was like, I don't know. Well, I was like, I don't know. So then the Christmas apartment with Katie and Seena. So Kristen is, you know, trying to keep her job on TV and I sell her T-shirts. And I love that, like, when they show up, Kristen's like, seriously, seriously, I have some hopefully really good lasagna, no carbs, no meat. I'm like, well, then it's not, I mean, no carbs, no meat. You know, she's probably gonna serve some raw kale. Like, see, it's kale lasagna. That's all that shit. But they're like, look, it's, it's completely paleo, free, dairy free, gluten free pizza. And then it's just like a disc of shit that you try and put mustard on to eat, you know, gross. Just eat a piece of pizza. Or just eat fruits and vegetables. But stop trying to turn pizza into something healthy. It's not healthy. Get over it, people. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Had to be said. I'm sorry. Sorry. This is our two minute and two minutes. All right. Stance on pizza. So they go over to Kristen's, whatever. Of course, it's the discussion about Ariana. Again, Ariana has had more discussion about her for really doing nothing that she's ever had herself about anything. Like Ariana barely even speaks. But now everyone's Ariana, like, I won't tell for me here to be a friend's laugh. Oh, gosh, Gina. I love how she takes these stances. So they're talking about Ariana. And then Kristen's like, oh, like, what is it? Like, why did it hurt? Yeah, I know. I apologize. Seriously, seriously. I mean, Katie, who turned on Kristen for no reason. She always is wishy washy every season. She ping bongs back and forth between people. She's the worst friend. But then she's like, why can't everybody just be forgiving? Really? I don't know. Who have you forgiven again? And then she said, this is reminding me of Stassi. Yeah. The other one that you turned on? Come on now, Katie. So anyway, she's acting like she's a good friend and stuff. And they're talking about what a bitch Ariana is. And Katie goes, they act like you killed her dog. And then like shit on it. And then like peed on it. And then like give it a ring, just like attached to a string. And then like took the ring away. And then like threw down the stairs and then raped it and then buried it and buried it. Okay, Katie, Jesus. Come down over there. You know, the difference is that like with Stassi, Stassi was holding on to like basically nothing. And her last play was to get mad at people who were friends with Kristen. And since Sheena was friends with Kristen, she was mad at Sheena. And you know, she was being over the top ridiculous about it because there was the beef with Kristen sleeping with Jacks while Stassi was with Jacks. You know, forget, I've nearly forgotten those days when Stassi was with Jacks. But in the case of Ariana, I think she has a pretty good case for not liking Kristen because Kristen actively tried to destroy Ariana's relationship with Tom. It wasn't just that there was a beef. It was like an active sabotage. It was but it's also so silly because Ariana was totally fucking Tom behind Kristen's back. And those two being like, oh, yeah, we just made out in Vegas one time. And now we're just laughing behind the bar and not flirting at all. Give me a break. He was totally fucking that girl the whole time. And then working with her and Kristen knew and they're acting like they're the victims. Like you guys are the ones who cheated on Kristen and the fact that I'm even standing up for Kristen about anything shows what awful people you are. Please never change. Also, Ariana is evolving into a crazy bitch. And you know, because her eyebrow shading has gone off the charts. I don't even know what she's doing. She's picking like a brown pencil now and making square eyebrows for no reason. Unexplained eyebrow changes are never a good sign there. I predicted that. Yeah, it's like, it's like in a disaster movie when like animals start like running away from the ocean. And then this the Jeff Goldblum characters like, oh, well, there's a volcano under Los Angeles. That's what that means. Like, no, it's not. No, no, everything is fine. And the volcano blows up and then all California falls into the water. That's what happened when you see the square eyebrows. It's that. It all starts with a square eyebrow. So, Sheena continues her stand and she goes, no one tells me. Well, I can be friends with and not be friends with. By the way, you can't come to Vegas. Sorry. It's like way to, way to stick it to. I'm Sheena. Yeah. So funny. Lisa James. They're just putting Lisa in every other scene just because the queens like us are like, we love Lisa. They're like, okay, it is your show. You have to be in it. She's like, Oh, God. Now what? Like, well, we still got a hidden camera in the refrigerator second by the ice machine. Go over there. All right. Let's just do another scene by the ice machine. Yeah. So James is like looking at the. Well, no, that's later on before we get to James is looking at the schedule. James is looking at the schedule. Great grammar for me. I'm like turning into Tara from newlyweds. I'm even going to be shunned upon. So before all that happens, Tom and Tom's are throwing out about the proposal. And it's just it's basically like a big scene of like, dude, dude, we've been through a lot, dude. Yeah, dude. Yeah, dude. Oh my God. Let's hug dude. And then let out this proposal. Like burst of dinner and then I'll give a speech and then I'll get rid of the ring and Tom's like, no, give her the speech and then the ring. He's like, no, dude, I was thinking the speech and then whatever. Yeah. And then he says, yeah, but if you give her this, if you give the speech and then the ring, then she's going to know what's coming. No, she won't. This bitch has been thinking he's going to propose for five years. He can actually propose and she'll think it's a big joke. Like, you know, the shock will be that he's actually got anything even a twisty tie around that. Yeah, fall over in shot. Exactly. And then we learned how Tom, the Tom's met each other. And I guess Tom Sandoval had sent out a Craigslist ad for roommate. And then so he describes when he met Schwartz, he's like, well, we had the same name. We were the same age, same initials. It just felt like fate. It's so rare to find a Tom, you know, Tom in Los Angeles. That's why there's so many customers who like each other. Like there's so many Johns. This was killing me too, because in the same episode, she's like, I made you meatless vegan lasagna with no bread or carbs. It's the same episode that it starts showing Tom still being a bachelor. And instead of drinking out of the milk carton, he was drinking out of a Brita. I was like, that is such a pussy LA thing. Like, yeah, I'm drinking straight out of the Brita picture. I didn't notice that, but that's hilarious. It's so manly. It's disgusting. You're reading all the good work of the food to darling. So Lisa and James are next, yeah. Well, this is after James tells, for some reason, I started laughing when he was telling some customer like, Oh, you got to get the pennies to see impasta, if you like pasta. No, that's like, please don't order a pizza. I don't want to get any crease on my setup. So yeah, so he's going, he's checking the schedule. And he sees that everyone has next week off because they're going to Hawaii, but James has like working 330, 630, 130, 430, 430. He's basically all booked. He just basically learns he's not going in Hawaii. And he's like, darling, what are you doing by the refrigerator? It's like, well, this is where they told me to come to talk to you about this. This whole thing. It's like, darling, you can't have enough time for Hawaii. What makes you think you're going to Hawaii? Where everybody else is going off. They make don't be a basic bitch. Why wouldn't I go? He's like, I don't know why I want I'm not invited to Hawaii. I mean, I'm going to be staring at Lala's tits the whole time. So it's not going to even matter. You know, gross. He literally said that. So yeah, Lisa's like, you're sad. Move along now. I cannot stand by this fridge one more time or back up to Panty's office. I have to find his office. Where's the elevator? So then so then we go to dinner at pearls. And it's going to be the dinner where Tom proposes. And the entire scene is like Tom getting really nervous. But what I was really enjoying was all the pattern around the table. It was a whole like, yeah, I went to like H&M last night and I went to Zara. It's like, oh my god, it's like Abercrombie. I'm like, oh my god, your hair is part of differently tonight. Have you guys seen if those doggy cookie jars have gone on clearance yet at Target? Like it's after the New Year's and I'm still waiting. I know, right? You know, I went to world I went to cost plus world market and I couldn't help but wonder like, was this every market in the world? Seemed strange. I want to keep going back to maxology 101. But I feel like at this point, I'm ready for maxology one or two. So, um, so I like how they're all passive aggressively mocking this Brittany girl because she is like a little lost puppy like you want to kick it just because when else can you kick a puppy like it's homeless? But then the other part's like, no, it's so cute. Maybe I should hug it and then kick it. No, it's just kidding. I wouldn't do that. He got I'm an animal lover. So they feel kind of bad for her and they just want to say like, no honey, eyebrow pencil, eyeshadow. Let's help you. But they can't yet because they're evil crows. So, they tell her, oh wow, you drove all that way all by yourself. And she's like, yeah, kind of looking at max. She's like, well, I couldn't do it. I had to work because it's like a busy week. Like we have a birthday party and then a birthday party and then Hawaii, all these important things that are not like helping your girlfriend move in with you. It's a fucking show. So Brittany's just smiling that big fake smile and she's squinting her eyes every time she goes, yeah, I'm happy. And she squints her eyes at these girls in that phony junior league lady way where they're saying, I know you're a dumb C word and I know you're going to try and come after me. But I'm not as dumb as I look. So bring it on, Scaryana. I'll take you on. But she just said it with that. Yeah. And then they keep like poking at her like they're on all, they're all in such good relationships. Okay, Ariana cheated to get her husband and is like forcing him to get rid of a tattoo that was meant to ingratiate himself to her. So she's awful. Katie's still waiting for a ring from a pussy. And who else even there isn't a Shay God, Shay's peeing in a cup every night for his girlfriend and has like five canvas on Prince staring at him. None of you are west to judge. Okay. All back away from Brittany. Yeah. Well, I'm, I, I do love that they are like that really her only response to anything is just like, yeah, it's like, she really, as much as I was making fun of what everyone was saying around the table, at least they're contributing something and she's like, yeah. Yeah. Well, she doesn't want to take over the conversation. She's waiting for somebody to bring up hotel pillows. Yeah. She's like, you know what I hate? Hotel pillows hashtag good night. You know what I hate? Coping up coal. I mean, that is the worst in the middle of the night. Right when you think it's done, another, another bushel comes back. You know what I do love? Fiddle music. [laughter] One time I went on fiddle. So stupid. One time I went on Amazon and I ordered some fiddle fiddle and I was so mad when it got here and couldn't even play a fiddle. One time I went and saw fiddle around the roof and had nothing to do with Appalachian fiddling. It was like Jewish people and stuff. I've never seen so many fat Jewish people in my life, which is fine and everything. But, you know, if you're going to tell me you're going to fiddle, don't put a midget up there with a violin on top of a set. That's not right, is it? How come whenever I play the game fiddle sticks? There's no fiddles. You know what I don't like sticks? I mean fiddle sticks. What a conundrum, right? You know what I hate is when people tell me to stop fiddling with something because I'm like, "No, I love fiddles." Hashtag my head hurts from hotel pillows. You know what I really hate is hotel fiddle. Hashtag not having it. Hashtag good night. "Yo, I have jet lags. Can someone bring me a stack of menu to lay my head down on a minute?" One time I tried to bring my fiddle on an airplane, they said there's not enough room in the overhead compartment. And I said, "You know what, hashtag fuck you. Give me a hotel pillow instead." And then I was like, "Wait, I hate those." That's why I drove because I'd removed my fiddle music. So I have to say, as much as I call Tom number two a pussy and say his haircut looks terrible and say he's too old to be such a pussy and I want him just to get hit by a plane falling out of the sky like someone from Breaking Bad. The truth is, I actually got teary in the scene. And my other admission for 2016 is that I cried in every single newlyweds wedding scene. Even everyone bent. Even people that I hate, I cry. I don't know what it is, but when people get married or there's anything about marriage, I cry. So I cried. And this, I saw that and it's almost over. This scene was so good because he actually made it look like the hard actors, one proposed to the other. And then Tom's like, "What are they rubbing in my face?" And he's like, "Well, hold on, man. Hold on." And he takes the ring and comes over to Katie and gets on his knees and proposes. It was good. It faked me out. So I was like, "Oh my God, these producers, of course, they would make sure that there was another engagement happening." I was like, "I can't believe that." I was like, "Oh, it was part of the joke. Good for you." So whatever PA came with that and didn't get any credit, congratulations. That was really a good scene. You made me feel things. And Katie, welcome. You're officially going to be raising a 40-year-old for the rest of your life. Have fun with that. Yes. Yeah, exactly. And you know, it's going to be like three more years before they actually have their wedding. Oh, and then the best part of the entire episode was right at the end. First of all, he started crying, which was so funny. He couldn't even propose because he's such a pussy. He started crying. And then Katie calls her mom, and she's like, "Mom, he proposed." And her mom goes, "Seriously?" Yes. I thought that was so funny. I started to laugh. Oh, seriously, it doesn't fall off in the serious literary. So everybody, that ends it for today. Next up, Thursday, we will be talking about double episodes of Vanderpump Rules and Shashak. And what was the other thing? What do you mean? You mean, Thursday is Beverly Hills. Beverly Hills and Shash -- you said Vanderpump Rules. It's Beverly Hills, Shashak, and then newlyweds again. Oh, okay. Yeah. So you heard Ben. Listen to Ben. I do. And look where I am in life. Everybody, thanks so much. Check out facebook.com/watchworkcrappins. Watchworkcrappins.com. And for bonus episodes, ringtones, et cetera, please go to patreon.com/watchworkcrappins. We'd love you guys. Happy new year. We will talk to you Thursday. Okay. Bye. If you like Watchwork Crapins, you can listen ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey at Wondery.com/survey. At Sprouts Farmers Market, we're all about fresh, healthy, and delicious. Step into our bulk department to discover a world of options with hundreds of scoopable bulk bins and grab-and-go favorites. From wholesome grains and spices to limited-time goodies like pumpkin apple cashews and butter toffee peanuts. Plus buying in bulk means you can get as much or as little as you like for your next recipe or snack attack. Visit your neighborhood Sprouts Farmers Market today or flavor fills every scoop. (music)
