Audible's best of 2024 picks are here. From memoirs and sci-fi to mysteries and thrillers, Audible's curated list in every category is the best way to hear 2024's best in audio entertainment. Like a stunning new full cast production of George Orwell's 1984. And first of all, Everett's brilliantly subversive James. Audible, there's more to imagine when you listen. I actually am really excited to hear George Orwell's 1984 again, because last time I read that was back in, I don't know, middle school or something like that. And the world has changed so much with technology and everything like that. I feel like now is the perfect time to revisit and listen to it on Audible. Especially when it's told by a full cast like that, like it's a full production. It's going to be like a radio play, you know. That's major. Go to Audible.com/crapins and discover all the years best, waiting for you. That's Audible.com/crapins. 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Get free shipping on qualified orders. See site for more details. Today's episode is brought to you by our super sexy, super wonderful, super premium sponsor Marvin J. As well as our equally wonderful, equally sexy, premium sponsor, Christy Dowerty. Watch what Crapins, watch what Crapins. Who cares what happens when there's so much that Crapins? Crapins, Crapins, Crapins, Crapins, Crapins, Crapins, Crapins, Crapins, Crapins. Watch what Crapins, who cares what happens when there's so much that Crapins. Hey everyone, welcome to Watch what Crapins, a podcast about all that Crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker from bsideblog.com and the banter blender. And joining me is the happy, the hilarious, the possibly drunk running harem from trashtalktv.com. What's up Ronnie? Hello Ben. Hello everybody, it's almost 2016. Yes, the New Year is upon us shortly. Ronnie is still in Texas. He's in Austin. I'm in LA. It's 11 p.m. So it's a late night. It's hot in here. Oh my god, I spent all night with my family drinking and laughing. And then they were like, how are you leaving? It's family. And I said, you know what? I'm going to spend time with family right now to you guys, okay? That's right. You guys got married and I got banned. I got crappin'. Okay, bitches. Yeah. And this is just as fucking amazing and fun to me right now at Christmas time. Yay. Color. We have a nice much talk about. First of all, on Thursday, Thursday's episode, New Year's Eve, we have The Crapies, our annual award show, which is one of the most popular award shows during award season, if I may say so. Huge. Huge. Bigger than the CMA's, bitches. So I'm really excited. I'm excited to see who the nominees are and who wins because it all gets revealed all at once. We're going to have Carrie Underwood here. Adele. Yeah. You have Vanderpump. Resa Faraham. Chef Craig. Kristen. What's her face? Who else been? Liza's. I hear Liza's going to be doing a stand-up routine in the middle. Oh my god. Yeah. Shannon Bador is going to be presenting Stasi. I mean, it's going to be really-- David Bador is going to be coming up and down very slowly on the Bluetooth channel here. Yeah. It's going to be an epic award show. So everyone, be sure to tune in later this week for the Golden Crapies. Because it is unlike anything else. So I'm really excited about that. Also, everyone, you can follow us on social media by going to watch recrapins.com. That has all our Twitter and Instagram and Vine, all that stuff. All the links are there and you should follow us because it's fun. And then on social magic, when we're drinking or smoking, we're just feeling like effing around with you guys. I just posted a very narcissistic selfie on Instagram because I got my hair cut today and I really like my hair cut and I decided to post it on Instagram. It's so narcissistic. But hey, sometimes you got to do it. What's Instagram for? Like giving to others? Fuck that. It's all about me telling. Like I wanted to get some likes. That's all. I wanted to get some likes. So-- Spooky Gram telling. But actually, what you really should be following is Facebook.com/WatchRocca. Crapins because all sorts of good stuff is on there. And in fact, we just mined a lot of stuff from our Facebook page for a bonus episode. Our bonus episode is accessible via patreon.com. patreon.com/WatchRocca. This is where you can support this very podcast. It really helps us. The money goes to helping us grow the podcast and be able to record it and put lots of attention towards it. And what you get in return is there are things like monthly hangouts and ringtones. You can submit to the Crapins mailbag, which we'll get to shortly. And we have these bonus episodes. And we, first of all, we had about, I think it was about 40 minutes of us ranting. That was a full hour. It was a full hour. The first 40 minutes was us ranting about bad parents and things in traffic. I mean, come on. It will get your blood boiling. And then we went through a whole bunch of Bravo gossip. So we talked about Rick Hilton. We talked about this Kyle Richards and Kathy Hilton photo from Christmas. We talked about Chateau Shray. We talked about Luan gossip. We talked about Brandi's text, Elisa Vanderpump. We talked about Vicki, what Vicki's sent to her cast mates. We talked about Yolanda. We just got into it. So we have to thank Joel Renary and Michael Cook and Cindy Charlotte and Elisa Vozganian and Chris Schultz, because you guys all- Sounds like a Star Wars character. Listen, I'm given every week this is a whole set of bonus. We always, we never credit anyone. And so since we actually took the time to figure out who wrote who submitted what, I'm going to give some credit. Ben, you're the best. I also want to say on Facebook, Julia Bailey. She posted this amazing Christmas gift that she got. Well, these stocking stuffers, she posted the photo and they're like, they're Bravo slash Crapons themed. And so she got like Sheena eyebrows. She got like pictures of Shannon, this Embraero, and a stocking that says hashtag justice. It is amazing. It is amazing. So Julia, we love your Christmas stockings. So I think that's it for the plugging, right? Is there anything else? I think we got everything, right? No, it's such a good time of year because everything's so chill. It's just like I'm partying at home and I'm talking to my baby. We're going to talk some shit. I just got to yell and scream. My family's like, why are you so happy? Are you medicated? And I'm like, yeah. And also I've just learned to enjoy my rage and say what I say. And I feel so much better. Thank you, Ben. Thank you. Watch what Crapons. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. I am, I'd like to say also that even though it's 11 p.m. I am slurping down a venti ice coffee. So it's an extra loopy and I'm not going to sleep tonight. Hell yeah. We could be doing this in a bar or doing it with you guys. Like fuck it. This is better. Yeah. Seeps fun. So it's going to be loopy because the bonus episode was already pretty loopy. If I had to say something, I think it was, we were actually like really, we were going in on people on the bonus episode this week. So good. Get your rage on. When do you hate people more than Christmas, you guys? I am so hateful right now. And it's just filling me with like joy and jingles, stunning. I've never been happier. Yay, Christmas. Yay, Christmas. You know, I watched White Christmas for the very first time. On Christmas Eve. So good, right. Is it actually, you know, it's very, you know what, it's very charming. It's like very sweet. And there were actually some lines that made me laugh, but like that story is, that story is wack, yo. Sorry. Most of them are. Yeah, I know. But no, it's a wonderful life though is a good story. That holds up. Fuck that. That fucking pussy. Just kill yourself. You fucking was. I am in, I am in team. Wonderful love. Um, if I was that angel, I would push his ass off that bridge. Son of George Bailey, you fucking pussy. You've got everything in line. You've got a perfect family. Everything's great. Oh, Wells Fargo charged you $30 because you over drew your account. I was talking about your fucking crying. Bitch. It was like the 1942 version of This Is 40. It was like people with amazing life being like, but you know what though? It works. It worked for me. It worked for me more than white Christmas. White Christmas was like, hey, let's go up to Vermont, which I appreciated that part. But it's like, oh, the inn is about the inn is going under. And the general, he can't be emasculated. Don't embarrass the general. Well, yes, it's all about manhood in a fucking musical. And then all the men start tap dancing. Get out of here. I like the dancing. The dancing was my favorite part. I mean, I like it was cute. You know, let's save everything with the fucking show. Which, I mean, is how it should happen. I also have to say, I did not actually feel like it was super Christmassy. I know that it obviously took place, right? But Christmas and it snows at the end. But oddly enough, I felt like most of that movie was about like, took place like in an inn and whatever. I don't know, it didn't feel super Christmassy to me. I know that's weird. With the actual Christmas story, it was some pregnant bitch being led through a desert by her fucking loser boyfriend who wouldn't marry her because they didn't know who the hell knocked her up. Yeah. I mean, it's not a pleasant story, really. I mean, the baby is born and like, hey, surrounded by a bunch of fucking low-level workers, you know? Yeah, I don't know. I mean, it was Christmas. But it didn't be wrong. I thought it was gonna be, I thought it was gonna be like, more Christmassy. Well, it just has to end well. That's what makes it Christmas. I said, my mom, the other day, we were playing canasta, which of course I do when I come home. That's what I bond with my mother, because she can drink enough wine to loosen up. So she had a box of wine with a straw on it. Me and my dad were smoking the weed I brought. And she starts going on. I don't even know what I'm telling you. It's now we're gonna start going into family drama. Keep going. Remember the rest during pandemic rules. I'm sure the last thing that people want to hear is my lukewarm review of a movie that's 54 years old. Okay, so that's beloved by everyone, but apparently me. Well, I know I'm good. Well, you love it that fucking wonderful life. I did. I don't get it. Look, I feel like this. If you're standing on the bridge and you're like, I'm gonna commit suicide. Just fucking kill yourself, because if you're not, you're basically begging me for attention. And I have no more attention to give to you. Do you understand? Jump. Well, I say man, he was cute. I was very invested in it. It's a wonderful life when I saw it. And I thought that White Christmas was perfectly nice. And the dancing was really good. And I enjoyed that song with it like snow, snow, snow, snow, snow. But, you know, I just thought it was gonna be more Christmassy. I don't know what I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what else to say. And I know this isn't gonna win me over any new fans. So I'm sorry. I just have to be honest. I have to be honest. You reminded me, because of your attitude. That's the Karam attitude, okay? So I'm here. We're playing Canasta. We're getting wasted. And my mom said, I just want to watch a Christmas movie. Like she loves the Hallmark Christmas. Jenny McCarthy crying to Santa. Or whatever. She loves that shit. And so we looked on the Netflix. And I was like, the ref is the best Christmas movie. That's a great one. That's such a good movie. And she's like, I don't want to watch some bullshit. And I said, no, this is Christmas. She's like, no, I want something nice. I said, mom, if you haven't seen this, it's a fucking classic. And for those of you who haven't seen it, it's Dennis Leary. Basically, kidnapping Judy Davis and Kevin Spacey on Christmas Eve. And they're this bickering awful couple. Yeah. And they're, the writing is so good. The life is so snap. Tell me, but why aren't that also? Is he the bitch son? I don't remember. The bitch son in military school who's all whiny because those parents don't love him. Oh, shut the fuck up. Why should they? They gave you breath. They gave you a roof over your head. Stop your wine. That's a great, great Christmas movie. I also, I actually think that my favorite, my favorite Christmas movie, and I haven't really thought about this that much, but I would have to say Edward Scissorhands. Which I know isn't technically a Christmas movie, but it's kind of a Christmas movie. You know, because it's climaxes at Christmas, right? I just love a hand job. I love it. Like, honestly, like to put Johnny Depp in a position where he can't service me in the simplest of ways, I just can't respect that movie. You know, that, honestly, Edward Scissorhands is one of my favorite movies of all time. And sometimes I forget about it. And then, like you watch it, it is such a good movie. It is, I really doesn't get the respect he deserves. Yeah. Such beautiful work. Is that not him? No, I was going to say that what's his face, Toby McGuire is not in the ref. I had it completely wrong. I'm so glad. Christine Baranski is. Oh my God. Christine Baranski is amazing. The kids like, "Mom, the TV is broken. What are we supposed to do now?" Celebrate the birth of Christ. So good. Love it. It was basically, it was like the prequel to Krampus. Did you see it? No, I'm not going to watch Krampus. I don't see scary movies. You know me. Tomorrow's a movie day with the family. And I want to see Krampus. And I'm like, "We can't take kids to that." I'm like, "You know what, it's more horrifying?" Being a child, all right. Go get it. I think also, um, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is also good. That's also a favorite. Such a good movie. And who expected that? Not me. Not me? I like that one. Julie, will we drive this? Yeah. I was like, "It's over. It's done! This franchise is over!" I was like 12. And it was fantastic. There are other ones out there. But, um, we will, that can be another, that can be in a bonus episode later. Why don't we get into Bravo? Since it's already, you know, like 20 minutes into this podcast that we're sitting here talking about, you know, Christmas movies and Christmas' audio. Better. And, okay, let's deduct this time from talking about Kenya's fake ass gay love scenes. Get out of here, Kenya. Well, first of all, by the way, I want to say happy birthday to Justin, one of our listeners who I'm friendly with. He actually lives in Shanghai, but he used to live here in LA. And he is one of my Facebook friends, and he listens. So happy birthday, Justin. Happy birthday, Justin. I love that Shanghai movie with Madonna and Sean Pann. Shanghai surprise, right? It wasn't it. Justin is our very own Shanghai surprise. Oh, Justin. So, um, happy birthday to you. And, uh... >> Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, - Oh, damn, oh, damn, oh, damn. (imitates engine revving) (laughing) - Did a Jetson's car just go through yet? - Yeah. (laughing) - Marvin arrives on a Jetson car to announce this. (imitates engine revving) - Oh. (laughing) - You always know when Marvin's nearby with a question for the, the, the, the, perhaps Malabag, when he heard his little, little, little space car go by. (imitates engine revving) Anyway, he says, I don't know about you guys, but I love those 30 second asides between the B and C blocks of housewives that usually demonstrate some eccentricity. He's basically talking about those little like 30 second things that, like when you're fast forwarding, you stop and you're like, "Ah, I got caught." - Yeah, it's like Kyle putting this grunge on her trail for the first time being like, "I'm on a farted." - Yeah. (laughing) - What's the sound? (laughing) - So he, he says he likes them because they demonstrate like an eccentricity or some of their comedy of manners. Do either of you have a favorite, one of those interstitials from any of the franchises? My opinion is there have been some that I've enjoyed, but I just, I never remember them. And usually, I would say that 75% of them is just like stuff they need to throw together. You know, the, I feel like the producers are like, "Ugh, we gotta throw something in here for 30 seconds." And then there's like five percent, maybe even like 7% that has something like really funny that I'm like, did you see that? That was really funny. And then there's like a 13% where it's something horrifying. We're like, "Ugh, why did they put that in there?" - They try and catch you in the surprising way. Like, "Oh, look, it's, it's kind of like a cut scene." You know? Like Lisa Ren, I peed on the seat. I remember like, "Can, pooped on the floor." (laughing) - What just happened, you know? I kinda like those. I like the interstitials. I wish they were all like that. Like the whole scenes were like that. Like, scenes that you catch on being real, because some of these shows, like the housewives of Atlanta, this episode was so not being real. Oh, it was such fake scenes. And I like when they're just like, you know, Brandy, there's the tampon string hanging out. And then you come to the next scene. - Yeah. Now, I'll tell you what I do like though. I like those moments sort of at the top of a scene where the producers will include some sort of idiosyncratic moment, which is why I think they include what you're always complaining about it. But I actually like it when they show the women ordering food. It kind of is like a moment that kind of grounds it in a strange reality, but also gets like a weird insight into their quirks. Like last week or two weeks ago, when Tootie was about to like walk into a restaurant and she had a sneezing attack, like weird stuff like that. Or just little things at the top of seeing little like patter or whatever. - I like that. I, yeah, really catch on being real for even one second. It's so rare, you know. - It's like a rare sighting of a housewife being real. - Yeah, or sometimes though you get the feeling that they don't like a cast man. They're like, let's throw in this like really like unflattering two second moment of this person saying something. And you always feel like it's fun. - Fuck you from the everywhere and have a little bit. - I like that too. I'm a big fan of that. - And just to say about the waiters, like yes, I hate it, but it's not that I hate that they're showing them ordering or interacting with like real life. The thing I hate is when the waiters are wanna be actors and they come on thinking, I'm a waiter. I'm gonna be seen by Martin Scorsese. Like that's how they pronounce his name. And they try and get all kiss assy, like they're auditioning for something. Get my cob salad, bitch. Like seriously, are you doing a shuffle ball change right now? It's a TV show. Move away. - Move away. - So now Betty Brown asks, have you guys ever listened to Stoss's podcast? Thoughts? - One of the things I love about this show is that we're just like a giant fuck you to these shows. - And I can't. - I can't. - There's some line, okay? And Derek Hazelton, I'm talking to you, bitch. I've known this bitch for like 10 years now on the internet and I love her because she says whatever is on her mind. And you know what? Not covering operates key and shit like that. It's not because you love it and we hate you and we're not gonna do it. The reason I don't do it is because there are some things. You understand how my hate gets out of control, right? Like you felt it personally, I'm sure anyone who's listened to this long enough. Like it gets out of control. And if there's people that I have no empathy for at all, I just can't, I can't do it. Well, I haven't listened to Stoss's either, but you know what though? We can just play 30 seconds of it right now and hear what it sounds. - Do it. Oh, and by the way, Sleddy Hore, Derek Hazelton. - It's for people, like, order a bunch. There's so many funny sweaters. Like, and they're all like relevant to you today. - I just dropped them into random episodes. They have like really funny stuff. - No, it'd be really good for the gift exchange. - This is Stossy with Christina Kelly. - They're all sweaters. - No, the gift exchange at parties, elephant. - White elephant? Is that what it's called? - That'd be a cute one. - That would, yeah, if you like get like a funny sweater and you, it is, like, that's a really good idea. And do you know what I found out? The new movie with Seth Rogen. - What is that? - Rogen, Rogen. - Rogen. - Seth Rogen at the night. - Rogen. - Would I get to see and I really wanna see? He wears a tipsy elf sweater. - Oh my God, they're not even doing the same ad that we are doing. I've got a fast sweater. - Oh, man. - Are they serious? - Yeah, I'm fast forward of right now. - I mean, I have some more should I could talk about, but like, if you're tired, we don't have to. - No. - Is this over? I mean, we've gone an hour. Really? - We have gone an hour. - Can you believe it? It's Stossy and Christina have gone an hour. - I know, but I'm just sitting here like. - Who does that? - He was talking, talking, talking, talking. - We should do an episode where we pretend we're on the podcast with them. - We don't need to. - Let's go one more. - Okay, do one more. - Let's not do one more. - So these different people who wanna keep going I have had some gaming in "Ghost Talk" on the last two episodes of my podcast and I have had half of you saying, please continue it and half of you being like, shut the fuck up. - So that's our final. - Two of you say go, two of you say stop it. - S-T-F-E-O. (laughing) - Flip the fuck up. - Is this what we sound like? - I'm gonna say T-B-H. - Yes, this is T-B-H. - T-B-H. (laughing) - Why is this person in a wine company? - To be honest, okay. - T-B-H-E-O. - Oh my God, S-T-F-E-O. You were the funniest. - You can turn this podcast up now. Your thoughts on aliens. - Really? (laughing) - This might be an alien. So I grew up with my dad being like, - Well, I can't believe that actually Christina has a story for this. - He actually saw UFO. - I believe that. - So my dad lived out, and I've talked about this before, but like out there. - Ellions, who does that? - Who goes to another solar system? - But describe it in detail. - Christina's talked about this one. - When he lives in a dome. - Yeah, so he lives in a dome. It's like a solar. It's like all like, she needs to probably live there. - Their podcast is actually gone, and the direction is not expecting, and in a very fast, massive amount of time. - Why did she only get in a solar panel? - And like, his water is heated by the sun, and crazier than me, Christina. - Super hippie, but my dad always tells me he sees UFOs out there. - I believe that, and I visited him. - Yeah, I'm gonna fast forward to see what they're talking about in seven minutes. It's buffering. Oh, the iTunes actually just stopped. iTunes was like, no. - iTunes speaks for the world. - Yeah, that's fine. Maybe we should get on. - Hey, who's the half of you telling you that you should keep talking to Christina about her dad seeing UFOs in their dome solar house? - In a story that she's told before, by the way, shut up, you guys, in your Swedish and tipsy elves. Shut up, it is. - We definitely have to do a segment where we pretend that we're on the podcast with them. (laughing) Where when Stasi asked a question, we just respond. - I was doing it, I was in it. I was totally with Christina, I hated her. - Because I feel like if we were actually on a podcast with Stasi, that's how it'd be. - She would ask us a question, we would respond, and then she would just keep talking. - Who writes those questions? What do you think about A-man? - I can't, you know what though, I can't hate on her because we have, we talked about aliens just like two weeks ago. (laughing) - We did. - Remember on Crapids Mailbag, someone's like, who do you think is from Mars or something like that? - Well, yeah, but at least people asked us. She's like, oh, Christmas weathers, right? Like gifts, because like at a party, like what is it out of it, what's an elephant? Is it a gift? - Yeah, 'cause sweaters. - Shut the fuck up, lady. Read the newspaper. - So Deborah Howard asks, regarding Yolanda, who do you think will be her next rich victim, Muhammad? And what machine confirmed 60% brain function back? And where is the other 40%? Did you notice she ran to bed and posed when her guests, Lisa and Eileen, came to a visit? She closed her eyes like she was sleeping and decided to be awake on her phone. I don't really think she was faking, but she has rich lady menopause. Happy New Year, XOXO. And what doctor prescribed all those meds? I can hardly get a towel and I'll prescribe. And don't you have to wait for refills on meds, odd? - Oh my God, so many questions. Where should we start? Let's start backwards. Do you have to wait for refills on meds? - Adderall, ambient. - There are certain ones you do. - Not if you have a drug advocate. Not if you have Daisy, the call girl is always known how to get those drugs quickly. - No kidding, get a bitch who knows real burlesque in there, right? Daisy's like performing sugar up on the counter of the target pharmacy. You're like, take your fucking Adderall, get out of here. - She's seeing her own version of, she's doing her own weird alley-ankovic version of fever. She's like, you give 'em a limes? - Mind. (laughing) - When I see you limes in the morning at night, limes. - And also a lot of those medications from her chart, which I still have screen-shotted as my screen saver on my Mac, or not my screen saver, the desktop on my Mac. Most of them are prescriptions. You do not need a prescription for a five-hour energy, okay? (laughing) It's like, I crush up a poop tea and a tree kiss. - Okay, that's not a prescription. - Let's move on to the Chlorazapam. - Chlorazaparazapam. Next question, last question is from Catherine. She kind of answers her own question 'cause she replies to herself, and she goes, will the Krampus be nominated for the best newcomer crappy? And then she goes, duh, I forgot about Hanky, the shoe-in for the win. Guess I have to listen. Guess I have to listen to him. - Can he be considered new? I mean, he's new to our show this year, but I mean, Hanky came last season. - Well, it's like the Grammys. It's like the Grammys where you can have released 10 albums, but then the moment your song gets on the radio, it's like, best new artist. Best new artists. - Amy Grant. - Oh, remember those days, guys? Remember those days? - Oh, yeah, oh, do I remember, yeah. - Ooh, ooh, ooh. - All right, well, thank you everyone for the Krampus Mailback. ♪ Baby, baby ♪ ♪ And nah, nah, nah, nah ♪ ♪ To love you with the sweetest of devotion ♪ ♪ Baby, baby ♪ - I had that tape, I had that tape growing up. Okay, we, it's time to get on with it. - Get on with it, Dabby. What do you want to do, Doba? - Doba. - Um, why don't we start with Atlanta, shall we not? - Please, let's, by the way, my nieces are walking around going, Doba, Dittimme. (laughs) - Thank God, Father Rungeau. (singing in foreign language) - I died. - I'm ruining you, Jill's. - I just love him, I'm sure. - Like I just told you, I just wish you, where do you have to take the time he's drifting down by? - So you're listening. (laughs) - And the other one they do, my nieces are because, I'm gonna look like a little bit. (laughs) ♪ I'm a snake ♪ - Dye, I'm gonna look like a little bit, I'm a snake, I'm gonna bite your head off, I'm gonna get it, I'm gonna eat ya, I'm gonna go and shed my skin, and then I'm gonna go find something else to eat, like a ball of clover, it's like 30 seconds later. - I'm a snake, I'll eat ya, and Doba, you're home, and then I'm sick about, and yeah, I'm taking a nap, so wake up and poop ya, ah, nah, it's your game. - Can put a ball of clover on, but he's still got a penis, you're not put a ball of clover on that, and if he's gonna use it, he's gonna use it. - It cracks me up because it's always, because it's like, she hits her beat of like, she does the setup, and then the punch line, and whatever her line is. Like, you put a ball of clover, it still has a penis, and then she just keeps going, she's like, and furthermore, and you know, and in Pindex A. - Can put a ball of clover on, but he's still got a penis, you're not put a ball of clover on that, and if he's gonna use it, he's gonna use it. - Too many conjunctions for comeback girl, too many conjunctions, so good. We need someone like me with my thesis, like a wrap it up, wrap it up, she is to her. - She's uncle, the other day at school, this girl came over, and she said, and she was like, and then I was like, ah. - And my wrap it up, wrap it up, darling. So anyway, Atlanta, I have a macro note about this episode, which is that nothing happened. Nothing happened the entire hour, even the big confrontation with Don Juan at the end, was like, this is like the bad news that the government releases on Friday. They're like, it's Christmas. - Just put the most boring episode here in Sir Terrible episode. - That's exactly what it was. They basically shoveled in, you know what it was, you know how like these secrets revealed as always, like all the shit that didn't fit into the rest of the season, that's what this episode was. It was a secret secrets revealed episode, 'cause nothing happened here. - Secrets revealed, I have to say, I've avoided them for so long, and recently I watched them because on the same just desperate, let's be honest, they're kind of good. This episode, no. This is like Kenya pretending she like has a craving for dick. People have commented about her being a lesbian for years. I don't even know that she's a lesbian. I don't get that vibe necessarily, and we'll get to that with Vanderpump Rules, lesbians everywhere. But with her, I don't get that vibe. It's just like a general only wanna fuck myself vibe. And I think I recognize it with myself. It's like a mix of, I mean, I'm not really a narcissist, but like with fucking I am. And I think maybe she has that. - Yeah, I think that she's actually, I don't get a lesbian vibe off of her. I think she's actually profoundly messed up. I think everything that happened with her mom, she's like messed up. And so she probably just, you know, sabotaged herself. - I just figure that she's got like a giant collection of dildos and she's learning that that's the key to happiness. - Maybe. So the episode opens with like a montage of like Kenya's going online dating and Kim Fields is FaceTiming with someone. - She's on like Amazon time now, that shit where they deliver in 30 minutes. It's like a big old picture of Kenya on there. - Yeah, it was like a, it was like this montage of everyone doing boring things. Cynthia got some flowers from Peter and he's like, oh, so that fixes everything, right? Peter's broke. She just did this because, you know. - And the card he wrote, she reads it. She's like, oh, okay, in her testimonial diary room, whatever talking head, little timey ball eyes, but then in the scene, like drag queen pulled back tape eyes. I don't know what Cynthia, but she gets this thing and there are yellow roses which I don't know the coat of roses. Do you, what does yellow mean? Like red means love, white means friendship, yellow means what pissed on you. - Yellow means, hey, I just bought another warehouse and I'm starting up a new restaurant in it. That's what yellow means. - Stop twangling girls and bars and making it with them on Instagram and instead I'm pissing on them on Instagram. - She's like, oh, that's so nice, he's learning. - He's like, hey, are you? I bought a 12,000 square foot space to open up another extension of Peter's brew and it's under a highway, love you. - That's what yellow means. - A guy who worked with Martin Luther King got run over by a bus there. He doesn't brew, he doesn't brew. - So she's reading the card from Peter and it says, hold on, let me find where it says, is this? Just because I love you. - I'm like, oh, shut up. Is that from a Jared commercial Peter? - Yeah. - Shut up, Peter. And Cynthia's like, well, I mean, like he's trying, but I need a lot more. Really, Cynthia, you do? You married the man in a donated dinosaur museum. - I mean, cut on. - What says, not gonna last? - Maybe this is married in that dinosaur museum. - Maybe it was just his way of showing that he wants to get into the flower industry. He's like, yo, we'll be a competitor to 100 flowers, it'll be 100 Peter's petals, yo. - It's like a fruit bouquet, what do they call those? - Edible arrangements. - Yes. - It's like it's a, it's a petal arrangement. (laughing) - It's like just Apple's family on the street. It's like, shit, he hipster died. (laughing) - Like, yeah, dumpster diving or foraging. - He just dumpster. - A free game, it's called a free game. - Oh yeah, a free game. - Yeah, I'm a free game. (laughing) - So, so then Candy goes and meets with Roger Bob, remember old friend Roger Bob, and Demetria, who Demetria now has like mom hair, and they go meet at Roger Bob's office. You know, Roger Bob, I-- (laughing) - You have such a thing for mom hair, I love it. - I know, I really hate mom hair. Demetria is, it's gorgeous. I'm like, don't do the, I mean, it wasn't total mom hair, but it was on her, it looked a little mom hairish. And I think that she got rid of it, like midway through the episode, but like for that scene, it was mom hairy. I'm like, don't do that, Demetria, don't do it. - I forgot that Demetria was on the show, even when they were showing class for her. I was like, who is that? I didn't recognize her until like the last scene, when they showed her, when they showed her being shady with the Avril, the Hades. I was like, oh yeah. - Yeah. - She was in like two scenes. - Well, she tried hard last season to make an impression, but she pretty much got like steamrolled. And there was like that really stupid controversy with Roger Bob, like, wait, no, he's dating this girl. No, she's dating Demetria, no. And then she just was like, huh. And they're like, okay, you're fired. - Yeah, I don't want to fight about it. Of course he's dating 20 people, okay, you're out. - I find Roger Bob actually oddly attractive. - Well, yeah, what arrogant, rich motherfucker isn't. - He's just, I don't know, there's something like very attractive about him. So that's money, dick, confidence. I mean, what more do you need? - I don't even know that he has a big dick. I'm just assuming he does because of his confidence, which makes me want to like pretend he has a big dick, no matter what happens. - Yeah. Well, so Candy was there to meet, because Candy and Demetria shot, they sang a song together, they did a duet. And they were meeting because they're going to do a music video. And that's-- - Like that way is mine, but nobody really cares who's poised who's. - So I love when Candy sings. And I love when she releases music, 'cause she is the only housewife out there who basically can legitimately release a song. But this song, I wanted to love it, but there was no hook. There was no hook. Yeah, but that's like, Candy music. She doesn't really have much of a hook. She's just like, "Your man is gone." - Excuse me. - She wrote Scrubs and like-- - I mean, come on, out of hundreds of songs. - How many hooks? - Hey, it only takes one. - She wrote all the early Destiny's child shit, you know? She knows-- - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. - But her stuff sounds like that still though. That's the thing that was funny. - But also this one, she's like, "Yeah, you know, look, "a lot of people want to work with me, "but this bitch paid me." So there you go. - You know what she wrote? You know what she wrote? She wrote "Tardy for the Party." Don't ever forget that. - That's true. - "Tardy for the Party." ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ - I'm paying my telephone bill. I'm paying my auto mobile. And she also wrote "The Still Unreleased, "The Ring Didn't Mean a Thing." ♪ The Ring Didn't Mean a Thing, whoa ♪ - She also wrote "The Wind Beneath My Wings from Peaches." - Oh, if only. - Tell you a press song. - Well, rather than rap. - She also wrote "Baby, Baby" by Amy Grant. - She also wrote "The entire musical." - Yeah, she also wrote "White Christmas." - You know that. She's like, "I'm drooling over Christmas rally." It's what she called a rally Christmas. - I'm so chill. - Chill. - Now, rally Christmas. Anyway. - You're not gonna keep this hotel open. I can't be. That is wrong candy. - See, now, mama, she's very proud. And like, see, now, we won't get all her old friends and all her old sisters to the hotel. So, see. - Do someone yell at my people? (laughing) - Someone talking about it the best way? 'Cause I have my people right there. - Okay, okay. - Someone talking about my people on "The Ed Sullivan Show." (laughing) - Yeah. - We're just trying to get people up to mama's hotel. (laughing) - Mama Joyce is like, I don't like all these songs that sing in tonight. (laughing) - I like a white Christmas. - Man, I've roamed down the whole game, dude. That is wrong. - She takes her shoe off, and she's like, "Who are all these people?" - I just heard from the town that his mother is a hoe and has popped up the paper. (laughing) - Whoa, not that kind of hotel lady. - Relax. - Sorry. - I would love to see white Christmas recreated with the cast of whatever it was. The candy goes to Denver to spin off whatever that was. - That hotel would never be reopened 'cause no one would ever pay them rent. They'd have this huge fund raiser, raise all the money, do the show, learn the tap dances, get the sisters to sing the shit, and then they'd just spend the money on some other bullshit. The hotel would still go under. (laughing) - Well, 'cause Todd would take over the hotel's finances 'cause he married into the hotel. I'd be like, "Here, see, what we have to do with the hotel "is we have to add a buffet." And they'd be like, "Oh, fine, they spend all their money "making a big buffet that only Todd eats at, "and an entire hotel goes under." (laughing) - So anyway, anyway, then we have a scene where at Fager's house, where Bun comes by to, I fell asleep during this. I literally fell asleep during this scene and I had to resume watching the show the next day. So I don't remember what happened, but Bun came by-- - Well, I laughed really hard that his name was Bun because later in the episode, Candice talks about her bun in the oven because she's so protective of her bun in the oven. And I just started laughing 'cause I was like, "Oh, that's so cute, the little guy named himself Bun." He's like a little baby and I don't know, I think it's cute. Like Apollo has this little like sweet midget friend. It's like his queen got crushed under her house and he's just trying to find the way home, you know? (laughing) And he was like, "Hey, I've been getting instas from Apollo. "He's sending me pictures of him peeing like letters "in the toilet and then saying that you haven't called him." And she's like, "Well, you know that silly Apollo "and those felonies." And he's like, "Yeah, but it would be really nice "if you'd have the kids call." And she's like, "I have had the kids call. "They've called, they've sent emails. "Aiden knows how to work an email." And he's like, "Well, Apollo said that no one ever calls him." And she's like, "Oh, you know that husband of mine. "It's all of his silly stories." And Bun's like, "Uh-huh." And then she goes, "Like you said yourself. "He was a horrible husband." (laughing) What? Pedro, Bun never said that. (laughing) She's like mesmerizing Bun and he's believing everything because his name is Bun. He will believe whatever you tell him. My favorite part was that when Bun gave a gift to Aiden and Aiden was like, "Thank you." I was like, "Oh, baby Aiden." And so polite. Good manners. I mean, the guy gives her a gang jacket for the kid. He's like, "Here's a leather jacket "with gang spray paint on the back. "Here's a punch card first." Well, isn't that cool? Yeah, he's gonna look great with his bow tie and his suit. He's about to wear the kindergarten bun. Yeah, take a cookie on your way out, Bun. So then we go to the video sheet for Demetria's video and they're all like getting together. Todd comes in on a hoverboard. You know, the only reason why he likes those hoverboards is not because like he likes rolling around. It's 'cause it makes him three inches taller. (laughing) That's the only reason why he's like finally, something that's so she acceptable to make me taller. (laughing) It's like a squatty potty with wheels on it. I know, those things have been blowing up and I mean, literally, they're exploding and I think, good, squatty pottys or hoverboards? Hoverboards, well, I'm just a squatty though, right? Yeah, probably both. But apparently the cheap ones have actually been exploding. You know what? People are such pussies, okay? You don't have to walk. You just stand there. You get to turn in circles where I'm old people in the street. By the way, I talked drunkenly into these teenagers. You circled me on the street while I asked some questions about their hoverboard. But anyway, like you get to curse and spit it old people in the street and then you get to run away really slowly while Instagramming and never moving. Those things are amazing and I was actually proud of the midget for not falling. And you know what? If that shit explodes, at least you didn't have to walk. (laughing) Well, it'll be funny when people are like, oh man, how'd you lose your leg? You lose it in Iraq? No, I was on a cheap hoverboard. Well, I was trying to enjoy the spoils of NAFTA and not walk on my Chinese hoverboard. Thank you very much. It was worth it. It's what this country stands for. Be nice to China, darling. Be nice to hoverboard. Krampus Prussia will hoverboard. Enjoy it. Don't pass NAFTA and then like cry when trying to blows your leg off, all right? So anyway, for some reason I wrote down this quote of Candy 'cause she's pregnant and they're like putting her in this outfit and they're putting boots on her and she goes, this is a lot of work to get a boot on. And for some reason that like cracked me up, I was like, that's Candy's life in a nutshell, you know? Like people are trying to put a boot on her and she's like, jeez, no, that's a lot of work. All right. Put the boot on when those like slipper socks came out. Oh my God. This stick on your feet in such a weird way. She's probably like, what? Snapper socks. It's not typical. See, see now. Snap bracelets, like, well, you got, like I just put a bracelet on like normally. See, you have to snap it on like, see, snap clasping. What's harder than clasping? (laughing) Vaping has stolen my range. It was really nice to quit smoking and start vaping and completely lose my voice. Sorry, darling, sorry. There's some satanic now. Well, maybe you can like, it's gonna be so hard to be in a music video when I'm pregnant. She puts on these big stupid boots and this like weird, me-me-me-least design fucking poncho art teacher flowy thing looked gorgeous. Gorgeous. A-plus. The candy. And then she gets up there and she's like, this is gonna be so difficult. Really? Are you gonna do like, we're in the money from 42nd Street? Because I think you're like, slowly doing a box step while you lip sync off key. (laughing) Well, then we cut to Kenya and Marlowe going to the gym, which is again, basically like a nothing scene except that we get- I can't. You can't. No, no, no. I didn't mean to cut you off. I was just accentuating. Oh yeah, no, it was just a nothing scene except we met this guy, Matt, who, you know, I mean, if Roger Bob was hot, then I mean, Matt, I mean, Matt was in a different, I mean, Matt was. Well, Matt was one of those gays on Bravo we like because we have enough self-hatred to appreciate a closet case. I mean, that guy, come on. That's like a gay that Kenya's like given $10 to, 'cause you know, we've learned from workout New York that these personal trainers will do anything. He's like, this is my brand. I'm Kenya Marlowe's gay, you know, possible sex never had sex person. Shut up, Kenya. Well, I don't know if that guy is gay or not, but he at the very least is extremely, extremely attractive. Oh, and then Ken is- He licks his lips too much, man. Yeah, he did. He has to look past the hotness. He's licking this- I can't, I can't. Certainly. And he's blinking too wide. Don't trust him, he'll steal money at your purse, girl. Well, I love how like he's super hot and Kenya's like, I don't know. You know, he doesn't have a lot of the things on my list. I'm like, your list right now should have only one thing on it, which is someone who's willing to go on a date with you. Okay, check. Go on a date with him. And he's hot. Go, go. - On Trulia, you don't even need a double sync with that listing. That shit has been on there for like years. They're like, Trulia, just take it. Take it. So then we go back to the video shoot and we, which is at this point, we now have like, like we keep on seeing these scenes of Don Juan being a total busy body. He's like, that flow looks too slick. Okay, put down Velcro. Put down Velcro. Okay, Candy, can you hold a styrofoam plate? Can you hold it? Okay, we're gonna put a crudite on there. So can you still hold it? Are you out of breath? Are you okay? Come on, relax. Like, Candy needs a moment to scratch her weave. Everybody back 10 feet away. I think he was like, maybe after watching that, that Aspen special with that other guy came on and he was like, had like the little baggy of snacks for everyone. Maybe Don Juan is like, oh, I gotta step on my kiss, my kiss ass game now. So now he's like-- - And Don Juan comes in with a bowl cut. (laughing) - Don Juan was really, this whole season he's been a little like crazy. Maybe he's like hyped up on something, but he is like everything. He's like, okay, Candy, don't stand here 'cause a light bulb could fall on your head. Like everything is insane. - Someone pointed out on the old Facebook, they were like, yeah, that's when the Coke ran out. And that's kind of how it felt with this. And I know it's so easy to say like, ah, they were on drugs and just excuses that. - I was thinking the same thing. - They're all on drugs. And especially him. Oh my God. - I was sweating. He was really, yeah. - Shifty eyed, like you're worried so much about Candy slipping, you know, without slipper socks on in her fucking sex video while she's pregnant, but you're not worried about driving her ass home while you're on Met. Shut up, Don Juan. - So then Portia and Phaedra come to this video shoot and they're watching and Candy's up there like in her poncho singing, doing her thing. And I love that Portia was like, wow, like Candy is pregnant and working. That's amazing. I'm like, well, I mean, imagine she had a bruise. I mean, that might take it over the limit, you know? And Portia took off two days of work 'cause she got a bruise and Candy is pregnant and up there working. - Whoa. Also, I love every scene that Portia is in because she's like, why, why, yeah? Where's the bruise? Yeah, girl, yeah, girl. And she's always like, holla, holla, holla, holla, holla, holla, holla, holla, holla, holla, holla. This is a music video, why, yeah, girl? And she's like, finds any reason to hump the air and scream out loud like she's in the middle of a party. - No matter what scene she's. Candy's gonna give birth and she's gonna be like, what, you got a baby? Yeah, girl, yeah. - Pumping the air. - Put your ass away, Portia. - You better get it, fetus. Where are the fetus? Where? - I like curling, but I'm doing the fetus, yeah, baby. - Shut up, Portia. Baby comes out crying, ooh, that fetus is extra today. - No shade, no shade. - So then we go on to Peter and Cynthia, having the most boring date. I mean, every date of theirs is boring, but this is the most boring. It's basically them walking around the park and then-- - Who would predict you on a romantic date? - And she's like, yes, Peter takes me on these romantic dates and this is better than a, you know, Peter knew I didn't like those flowers and so he came to take me on a romantic date. Like he is walking you through a homeless, infested shit smelling half day dog parking shit covered park. Get out of here. He was like carrying a 99 cent whopper and she's like, oh, Peter's making an effort. - Yeah, and then they have like a montage of other romantic things he's done and he only does these extravagant romantic dates after he fucks up. So it's not him being romantic. It's him just trying to get back in your good graces, which is a totally different thing. And by the way-- - And also he has a Bravo budget and they're all on camera. - And yeah. - Which is like, remember that time you-- - Cut to a Bravo scene. - Remember that time you cut to a Bravo scene. Have you even seen this man outside of Bravo? - I don't think any of his dates are particularly romantic. I mean, like they went into like an empty warehouse, put some candles down and a guy sang to them in a cavernous space. Like that's not romantic to me. That's just like creepy and awkward. - Peter's that user relative who's like, here's my contribution for Christmas. A song I recorded for everybody. And you're like, oh shit. Then we have to sit around and listen to your shitty song. Buy me a gift, you cheap fuck. - So then they go and they sit at like a little table in a gazebo and they eat like Ritz crackers. And this guy named Amir comes up and he's a local artist and he's like, I'll be joining you for lunch. I'm like, what the fuck? What, this is weird. And then they just-- - Why don't you hear how to bring the peanut butter? - Yeah. And Amir's saying they're like drawing. He's essentially like an out of work police catch artist. And they are like-- - That's why no one's ever caught. People like Amir. - Yeah. And they're like having this really boring conversation. The most exciting thing that happens is that Peter knocks over a glass, okay? And the best part is that when Amir finally shows his drawing, it looks like one of those etchings you find in a pamphlet about safe sex. You know, it was like this really basic ridiculous drawing. - It's like sometimes it's okay to have an abortion. - Yeah. - Okay, thank you for reading this paper scene. - It was honestly on par with the sort of drawings you would find in like a seventh grade art class. Like when you're trying to bring some of that drawing when they're five, you're like, I'm giving you a shot to that, like it's over for you. I regret you. - That picture of Peter, all that guy had to do was Xerox a box of Mr. Ben or whatever. You know, like the rice. That's all he had to do. He drew Peter even more busted than Peter already is. (laughing) That thing was like his face was all like googly and his eyes were crossed. And then they cut to Peter and his eyes were crossed. And I thought, you know, you shady fucking editors marry me. - But why also is that romantic? To be on a date and someone's like drawing you and then you have this like totally amateurish drawing as a result of that. Like that's not really romantic. It's just weird. It's like, it's like one of those things that seems like would be a lovely gesture to have an artist capturing this moment. But you got a camera crew there. You don't need an artist. - Yeah, you look. No artist is gonna be drawing Peter. Okay. - Yeah. - Michelangelo, Peter. Is Michelangelo to see across ties? If he was pointing at anything, it would be the ATM screen while he's trying to figure out the fingerprints left on it. (laughing) And the last time sent the upper inner pin number. (laughing) Peter's jupple. So then let me go ahead and-- (laughing) - Peter's japple. The Peter's Teen Chapel. (laughing) Hey, hey, I opened up a new well post to Peter's brew. It's in Italy. It's called the Peter's Japple. Like Peter, all you did was bring a cup of coffee into the Sistine Chapel. Yeah, it's my japple, no. (laughing) I bought it. He's like putting a Keurig machine in between. Some guy approached me and was like, "Hey, you want this real estate to cost $50,000?" Peter's like, "Oh, prime real estate "with a nice painting on top. "Yeah, I'll take it." This guy walks with a trench coat. He's like, "Wait, you bought the Sistine Chapel?" Yeah, you know? I bought a $50,000, $50,000, great deal. You just lost me $50,000. No, no, Peter's brew. Michelangelo. Peter's brew. Hey, you know what? Michelangelo drew a painting up on the ceiling there. No, it's not Michelangelo, it's Michelangelo. Oh, never mind. (laughing) So rhyming things off the cups. So there was this painting up top and it was like a naked guy with his penis out. So instead I just painted it over. I said, "Peter's brew for sale, right below." And everyone's mad now. Like a beard and a bigger thing. Hey, I hired a mirror. I hired a mirror to paint something on top of that ceiling up but they're in the Sistine Chapel. He put stick figures of you and me instead. (laughing) Way better. Peter's brew. And Cynthia would be like, "Oh my God, Peter. "I saw that painting on the ceiling. "Where were you touching that other person's finger "with your own finger on Instagram? "Everybody can see that." Fibroids. I could totally see them. They have like a little rack for Cynthia Bailey, I wear. Next to like a chain machine. Below a painted over Sistine Chapel. (laughing) And then the giant like portrait of Cynthia Bailey that they take from bar one. (laughing) It's propped up against the wall. Wolfie. Welcome to the Peter's Tunchapple. (laughing) Oh, Vatican. So then Kenya goes on her date with Matt which is them just playing basketball. Kim looking hot. Kim looking hot. Good night sport with a gay guy. Too much. FF. And then we get to the most. Where did you two be doing her nails? Oh wait, yeah, I skipped. Okay. Where are you, where are you? I was just gonna go to, I was just gonna go to Aiden's first day of kindergarten. Yes, Phaedra, Dylan and Aiden. Oh. You do it. You have feelings. I'm gonna have feelings. This is like, it's not even snarky. It's just Aiden. So Phaedra, it's his first day of kindergarten. Phaedra puts him in a little bow tie which is so adorable. And then he gets into the, like everything is just so cute and so sweet. Like Aiden getting into the backseat of the car and he gets into his little child's seat. And like he has this-- Back first seat is like, "Hounds?" What is that? Is "Hounds" too? I thought it was like Zebra, I don't know. This "Hounds" tooth, it's designer. I was dying with this little bow tie. Yeah. And so it's just driving him and he's just so cute. And then he's like sad about going to kindergarten 'cause basically she won't be with him. And he's like, "I want to go to where, I want you to go wherever I go." I was like, "Oh my God." She's like, "Listen, you can't come into the parking lot of the dinnings to grab back the cash from the marijuana to hear they're okay." And the mama needs them a long time. And then she's like, "Are you excited about your first day at kindergarten?" And she's like, "Ah." And then he's like, "I'm still gonna be your baby." And I was like, "And fagers start to cry." And I was like, "This is so sweet." I mean, that was legit fager cry. Because-- That was legit. How could you not cry? Fager could be a fake bitch. I mean, look, she puts her kid in the bow tie and a "Hounds" tooth car seat, okay? That's one, that can be one shady fake bitch, but when she, she can't help herself from like being real sometimes. I was, you can't. Yeah, you can't. And it was so cute. That was her son. And he's saying, "I'm still gonna be your baby." I was like, "Oh my God." "You're my baby too. You're my baby too, Aiden." She's like kindergarten. We are in the car, going to get in the garden. I mean, you've already made it further in school than your father did. This is just a moment when we meet the terrorists. She's like, "Aiden, you have given me the greatest gift of all, which is finally having a memory. I can think back upon whatever I need to cry in the future." Next time, I need to compare Tammy's nephew to Ferguson. I wish to give this moment so I can cry appropriately. Right now, the first step is kindergarten. The next step is you're going to be going to college and you're going to be a real head doctor. So then we go on to another romantic moment between Portia and Oliver. He's like, "Losey, I'm home. Don't lose any weight in your ass, baby." She's like, "Oh, I'm living here with Lucy. Why are you? You're so cute." OK, Faith, Portia, I always-- because I just put "P" in my nose. But Portia comes to FaceTime in a summer evening black cotton loots nightgown dress thing with her tits on the table. She has a new head of hair somehow, new eyelashes. Her nails are done. She's wearing diamonds. I'm like, "Come on now for FaceTime girl. I'll pub a zit in masturbate on FaceTime." And I'm like, "Who puts on a Lucas dress like that?" And she's like, "I was just doing things in the kitchen." He's like, "Yeah, I bet you were." All those responses were like super cheesy. She's like, "Can you see me now?" He's like, "Yeah, I can only see your boobs, but I like it." This is the best sort of you. She sees my boobs. That's so funny, I don't know why. And then it's like the camera just stays on her boobs. And he says, "This is my first time dating a black girl." And she's like, "Wait a second. She has sex back up, but you never did it. Was it a closer class?" And he goes, "I don't know how to answer that question." I don't know what any of this was meaning. I was like, "What are they talking about? Why do they not have their dicks and their hands yet?" [LAUGHTER] Oh, goodness. Good old boy shot shot. I love your butt. And then they cut-- I was watching this, by the way, because I've been going place to place with my family and the kids and stuff. So I've got this downloaded on my computer, and I was watching it in the car. And this was a part where he's like, "I love your butt." And then it cuts to her to twerking in that thong at the pool in the last twerking in my hands. And my brother-in-law was like, "Whoa!" I said, "Yes, this is Atlanta now." And he's like, "Rewind it. What the hell?" And I was like, "That's Porsche." Well, good old Porsche is always good. I'm not sleepy. No, I said ham slapping. Oh, I thought you said Ben Sleepy. I thought you said Ben Sleepy. I was like, "No." Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I'm like, "Donning, I still haven't finished my Vangios coffee." But what I worked on was... No, it's not. After my last run away, I'm ready for a man who's running towards me. Oh, poor thing. He's still on FaceTime. And then what she says, "So, are you ready for a relationship?" Click. [LAUGHS] Yeah, it's like, oh, sorry, baby. Sorry, baby. Gotta go. FaceTime, don't run, girl. And if it does, it just ran away. I wanna run to you. [SINGING] 'Cause if I run from you... Oh, look how that ended up. All right, so the next scene is Judy doing her nails. And she's all excited because... You know she's painting her cubicles. Her cuticles. Judy is painting cubicles. But you know, Judy is painting those cuticles. You know, they're like grown over her nail. She's like, "I'm leaving the house." [LAUGHS] She's like, "I'm so excited. We're going on our carpool tonight. A nighttime carpool. Juice boxes for everyone. Adult fundraiser PTA. Party! Judy's putting on the boots. Yeah, Judy's getting ready. This reminds me of junior year of high school. We had to watch a little movie. It was like a 20-minute movie. It was an adaptation of, I think, like an F. Scott's Fitzgerald short story called Bernice Bobs Her Hair. And it was like Bernice in the 19th century or early 20... No, actually, it was in the early 20th century. She gets her haircut into a bob and she's excited. So to me, this was like, "Ooh, Judy Bobs Her Hair." Getting out, going crazy. She's putting on boots. First off, that's the first time in Atlanta history that someone who's brought up F. Scott's Fitzgerald. Second of all, really Bernice Bobs Her Hair. Like, F, you could do better. And I think he did it in the future. Hopefully this was the first draft. 'Cause, really, I think, come on. You're like huge in our literary world. Bobs Her Hair, shut up. Bernice Bobs Her Hair. F. Scott. It appeared, now I'm on Wikipedia, of course, and it is a short story that appeared in a collection called Flappers and Philosophers. (laughs) So exciting. Anyway, I was quiet because I wanted to hear the rest. I was like, this is real. It says, "The new Bernice, so she bobs her hair "and the new Bernice is a big hit with the boys in town "with her new attitude, especially with Warren. "A boy that Marjorie keeps around as her own "but neglects. "When it becomes--" She's getting abortion. I mean, come on, F. Scott, dig deeper. Well, actually, the story's pretty good because when it becomes clear that Warren has shifted his interest from Marjorie to Bernice, Marjorie sets about humiliating Bernice, tricking her into going through with bobbing her hair. When Bernice comes out of the barbershop with the new hairdo, her hair is flat and strange. The boy suddenly loses interest in her and Bernice realizes she's been tricked because she bobbed her hair. But Marjorie's mother points out that Bernice's haircut, which at the time was only seen on liberated women, would cause a scandal at an upcoming party held in her and Marjorie's honor. So Bernice deciding it would have been best to leave the town before the party the next day packs her trunk at the middle of the night and decides to leave on a train at 1 a.m. But before she goes, she sneaks into Marjorie's room and cuts off her cousin's tube braid, tube braid, taking them with her on her run to the station and throwing them into Warren's front porch. That's the way that Bernice Bob's red is. - Fucking ass. - C.M. B. Cohen of that time. - I know, seriously, that is like a real house where I have, like, tricking someone into, like, bobbing their hair so they become ugly and then Bernice's revenge is, this is basically what would happen. This would be like, look out Kenya, 'cause if you keep on cutting out tutti, she's gonna come and cut your hair off. - It's like the Samson and Delilah of that time. Shut up, I'll put that. A woman's worth is in her fucking hair. Shut up F. Scott's Fitzgerald. Really, that's what you think of women. A whole fucking story about women you write for once in your life and it's all about them being jealous of each other's goddamn hair. - You know what that says a lot and I'll say this much. I'm never reading another F. Scott again. I've never forgiven that bit. - Well, to be fair. - It's gonna be better to be back. - To be fair, you know, there is nothing worse than when someone prematurely adopts a mom haircut and Bernice, Bernice did it, she bobbed her hair. Bernice bobbed her hair and she became, you know, the guys run into it, like, that's what happens if you go Kate Goslin, all right, or posh spice prematurely, all right? You're gonna lose the guys. So, mom haircuts have been the bane of existence all the way back to the 20s. - No kidding. F. Scott's like, this is why husband's cheat. - Okay, thank you, F. Scott's Fitzgerald. - Thank you very much. I hope your kids score a lot. - I have to say it, I'm not gonna go into it, but when I started doing the Bernice bobbeds or hair plot summary, I skipped the whole first half, which is one of the ways that Bernice became popular and got attention away from Marjorie. - Please, please, please, blow it up. - No, well, probably that, but she had a line about bobbing their hair. She was always like talking about bobbing their hair. So, when Marjorie tricks her into bobbing her hair, it's actually, you know, turned about his fair play. But then, of course, I guess, turned about again. Bobbing the head, Bernice bobbed the head, two D anyway. - I can't get into hair drama, I'm bald. - This is what happens when we do crappins late at night. We go on a major tangent about Bernice Bobs' hair. - You know what? Everybody just learned about literature. Like, all our stupid asses and all the people who think like us are gonna have something to say to dinner party on New Year's. They're gonna be like, "Have you ever read the F. Scott Bernice Bobs' hair darling?" - Well, but the thing is that it's gonna get all, like, twisted into, like, our podcast. So, someone's gonna be like, "Have you read the F. Scott Fitzgerald story, Bernice Bobs' hair? It's about this woman Bernice, who goes to a video release party, and she turns out that she gets into a fight with someone named Don Juan, and then they leave. - And everyone was in love with her until she flapped her ham-ass cheeks after that. Everyone loved Bernice because no one could even see that she was pregnant. Bernice kept scratching her weave, Bob, when everything got uncomfortable. - So, Bernice shows up with the society ball on a hoverboard, and everyone says, "Bernice, you look so much taller." - But she still killed herself because she didn't have mom hair. - But before she did, she went up to Marlow and cut off all her hair. - And then everyone shaved each other's hair, and they all cried and killed themselves. Thanks F. Scott Fitzgerald. - No one kills themselves. Just all that happens is that Bernice is shamed out of town, that's all. - As she should be. - As she should. - Keep big all these bitches. - Yeah, get out of town with your mom here, we've got Bernice, we don't need you here. - Okay, so they're getting ready for this music video party, and Todd is going around on a hoverboard, and he brings up his check or whatever. Todd started wearing a quilted northern shirt. I don't know how to explain it, but I was like, "God bless you. "You're tiny, you're too loud. "You wear platform shoes, you're on a hoverboard, "and now you're dressed in toilet paper, "literal quilted northern, Tony." - Wipe your ass with a little midge. Todd has some self respect. If you don't respect you, how can I respect you? If my ass is dirty and I see a piece of toilet paper, I'm gonna wipe my ass with it, Todd. - Don't cry when I wipe my ass with the quilted. - Well, Lisa's not Charmin, okay, 'cause I saw the new Charmin commercial with a little bears, and it was a bunch of like millennial Charmin bears, and they were like playing video games. - Upper board bears. - Yeah, and one of them says, like they are talking about toilet paper, of course, and one of them says the other one like, "Yeah, you could use this one, skids." I was like, "Ew, do not even nickname "your little millennial bear friend skids." That is disgusting. I can't believe this is a commercial right now. - Girl, bears are dirty. - Yeah. - And it always struck me as funny that this fucking toilet paper commercial puts bears on it, like, "Bears, get out of my dirty ass." (both laughing) Why is it that if you're fat and hairy and bald, you have to be some bear trying to get in everybody's dirty ass. Hey, everybody, calm down bears. I ain't using that toilet paper. I'll stick with my quilt of Northern. - Get over here, Todd, tucka. - My favorite toilet paper commercial was, there's like three years ago, and there's this woman, and she's like, "These days, everything is so fast," and they show her whole family moving like super fast, like the fast forward of the family, like eating her toast quickly and getting ready for school, and everything, like, "God, life is so fast." So like, it's nice to have something that's slow, and they like, she pulls up this giant thing in a roll of toilet paper, and she's like, "Ah, thankfully, this toilet paper rolls out really slowly." I'm like, "How are you even gonna equate this "to having a moment for yourself as your toilet paper "coming off really slowly?" I was like, "Get out of here with your slow toilet paper. "I want my toilet paper fast." - What am I here to like slowly massage your corn hole lady? Get a bit dang. (both laughing) - I know, exactly. Is your life so sad that like you're like, "Well, my whole family just moves on without me, "but at least I have my toilet paper to keep you comfortable." - God, no kidding. Your kids may hate you and ignore you all the time. Your husband may not even know your name, but at least you can massage your asshole really slowly with this piece of paper. (both laughing) - What? - I was like, "This is such a tenuous connection "to the toilet paper." - That is so wrong. - It's like these days, the terrorists are coming, but at least I have toilet paper. - At least when they blow up my house, I'll be massaging my corn hole gently with this lovely toilet paper very slowly. - Remember when times were simpler like this toilet roll? That's what I'm gonna use. (both laughing) So I'm sorry, we cannot get through this. We have, this is my fault. It is a hundred percent my fault. - But you know what the good part is? - We talked about massaging corn holes, but it was gorgeous, but the inspired. It's okay, ham slapping. (both laughing) - So the good news is, we're at the party and now we're at the party. It's always the big finale. The phantom has come out of the flies and he's ready to take off his mask and sing dramatically to Christine, who ended up dumping Edward Lloyd Webber after he made her stall. ♪ The phantom of the video premiere party ♪ - There are always Carlotta singing like a frog, like no one can ever sing. - Okay, sorry, music is a break. So we get to the party. - My favorite part was when Kim showed up and Cynthia Bailey comes over to say hi and she's like, oh, I have some shades for you. And Kim's like, what, what did I do? What did I do? I didn't have shade, what did I do? She's like, no, act like literal shades. She's like, yeah, she's like. - I got these from the gas station. They're literally glasses. (both laughing) These are our special edition. We sell them only at 7/11s and the Sistine Chapel. And two of these are like, I can't wear those. What is that too dark? And I can't see during carpool and I brought up a crosswalk person. I know her, that's Nancy. I love her. I wanna be her friend. I can play bingo with her, call me. - So then, of course, you know, Kenya is so shady to Kim these days. She's like, Kim looks like a confused prostitute at Disney World. - Well, wouldn't any of them be? And also, Kenya comes into every party waving at people that aren't there. Have you noticed that? - Yes, I did notice that. - She waved it like the PAs that were standing at the door. (both laughing) - She's like, hi, hi. - You know that little sound? It's like ding, ding, we come in this door. - She's like, hi, ding, ding. She's like, Kenya, ding, ding does not know you. - She thinks that's like her song. (both laughing) - It's like, it's so funny how every time I go into a store, someone always plays my song. - Ding, ding, ding. (both laughing) Ding, ding. (both laughing) Ding, ding. (both laughing) I love ding, ding. That's my jam. Ding, ding, she's like, oh, this is my jam. I love how it's always on. - Kim, he's like, you. (both laughing) Hey, the house, the house. (both laughing) (both laughing) So meanwhile, Kim feels her bitch flower is blooming like crazy because in the subsequent like, you know, like few minutes while they're all waiting for the premiere to start, the video premiere, Kim just keeps on getting all these past aggressive digs in. So for instance, Kenya is just like joking and she's talking about how she's nicknamed, she's nicknamed her house more manner. And Kim's like, we just call ours Kim and Chris's. Like, it's like, ooh, it's like just like had a little like nastiness to it. Like, you know, we're just humble people. And then when Phaedra asks about candy, like, where's Phaed? Like, where's candy? And Kim's like, we're not enough. And like, I know people can say that as a joke but Kim was saying it in a past aggressive way. I was like, ooh, that flower is blooming. It is smooth. - No, Kim. You're not enough, okay? You're in like, Spice Girls short shorts and Nancy McKeean, is that her name? Nancy McKeean's boots from like episode three effects of life. And your husband's still in dad doctors. Please shut up. No, you're not enough, okay? - Yeah, you are not enough. So then-- - Sage is enough. You, ma'am, are not. - Yes, you are less than eight. So then we see the video premiere and then, oh, so at one point, so Phaedra goes up to Todd at one point and it's like, Todd, you know, when you have a moment, do you mind coming to my office this week and we can discuss things? He's like, sure. And it was actually like, it was like fine. It was like fine. - I mean, I guess like, if you owe somebody, it's like me calling capital one and being like, capital one, please come to my home. - But it was for me and the waiting room for 20 minutes while I pretend I'm busy. No, capital one. Roger from capital one is not gonna do that. But I was like, okay. And also Phaedra was wearing like a hat and that made it all very serious. - But well, the thing that was funny was that Phaedra was acting like, she's like, Todd's hiding behind candies. So I thought I'd be the bigger woman and talk to him. I'm like, no, he wasn't hiding. He just didn't have his hover board. So you can see him. (laughs) - But like, you're not being the bigger woman. Like, I didn't mind that she said like, come to my office. But I did mind that she was acting as if he was hiding. I know he's probably just exhausted and trying to avoid, like trying to get this money out of you. But anyway. - Literally doing circles around candy, but she's just pregnant. - Don't see. - But he is hiding behind candies. He's spreading all the shade and mist without saying anything to Phaedra, when he could have just sent her like a letter. - Yeah. I mean, who knows what he has done and what he hasn't done? I agree. I think he is. I do think he actually is hiding a little bit behind candy, for sure. So then Phaedra and Portia go outside. This is after the videos premiere, they go outside and they're talking about the situation and, and Portia's like, oh, I didn't know that like, it was the coins that got in the way of you and candy, da, da, da, da. And so Don Lon's out there and he's listening in, looking like, looking even more like Tomcat from Tom and Jerry, like super, I mean, I was, I actually looked up some pictures of Tomcat and they look exactly the same. He is exactly Tom from Tom and Jerry. - And he's got those eyes of that cat that hangs on the wall and all those 80s movies, like that cat clock that like looks back and forth every second. He was shifty eyed, sweating, shirt open, back sweat pacing. So, so Phaedra and Portia are talking. - Break your water, girl, drink that water. 'Cause you're, you're gonna get meth face. - Yeah, so Phaedra and Portia are talking about Todd. You know, they're being like a, they're, they're being a little shady, but like not, compared to what these women are normally like, it was pretty benign. So then Don Lon comes up and he's like, oh, I hear you talk about my people. So I thought I'd interrupt, da, da, da, da. And he just starts like going off. He's like, well, you said this. How about that? And they're like, and the women are actually being pretty calm and Portia's like, no, no, we weren't being shady at all. We were just talking about it and he's like, and he's like, why are you so extra? Why are you so extra with it? And she's like, what? She's like, I'm not being actually. He's like, oh, look right there. Right there, you're being extra. You're being abrasive right now. And she's like, what now? - Yeah, and she says, why are you being abrasive? And he goes, you're being abrasive. Okay, when you start acting like my niece, I'm out. Like, poop on yourself. Like, what are you going to do next? Like, shut up. That's what arguments do me. - And it's like nothing to do with you, Don Juan. Like, just shut up. And he was totally hyped up, for sure. And then he starts yelling at Portia's like, go get the men that left you. Go get the men that left you. Like, what does that mean? - Oh my God. - I mean, I know what it means. But like, why is like, yeah, go chase that man that left you, go on, go chase him because they wouldn't fight with him. And he started combusting. It was so funny. And Pedro goes, I have children and I have important things to worry about. I'd love to suck on some chocolate right now. So I'm going to be leaving this party. And he's like, oh, really? You're leaving. So that means I'm right. Because you can't say anything. Because you're leaving. Now you're walking away. 'Cause I'm right, 'cause I'm right. That's right. You're walking away. Walk away. It's like, oh my God, poor thing. And Portia is like the queen of the web liners. She's the same. I wish I had it. I wish I had it back in the water to throw on his thirsty ass. - Yeah. - She's like, man. She goes, come on, just go home and change your time pound. - Time pound. Sorry, I messed up her line, but that's what she, just go home and change your time pound. I was like, cracking up. I love it, you know what? I love it because he gets so fussy. I just, no one ever engages with him. Just like, be quiet. - Well, as Faedra said, I don't engage with my friends help. And you know what, at the end of the day, it's so funny that Atlanta taught New York a lesson. No one on New York got it, but Faedra just laid it out for you. So I hope you bitches are watching. - And I think that maybe some Beverly Hills could use some of that. - Chef Bernie, Chef Bernie. - No, Bernie's gone. Where the hell's Bernie? I mean, I saw Adrian at a diner, darling. I'm diner! - Bernie's gone, darling. - Well, so is this episode. That was it for Atlanta. - So yeah, fuckers. - Let's take a pee break, shall we? 'Cause I got a pee. - Oh my God, I'd love to touch my pain. - Okay, we're back. I'm eating chocolate chips. - I'm eating coffee candy. - And smoking this weird vape thing that blows huge foamy things. And then I have a lollipop for later. - Lollipop for later. I love that musical. - Oh my God, it's 2.30 AM in Texas. So fun. This is the best way to be spending tonight. - Mm-hmm. - Thank God I got some weed on the plane. Suckers! All right, I just finished my chocolate chips. So you won't have to hear my saliva eating in your ears, everyone. - Oh, you're gonna have to hear everything over here 'cause I can't move. I'm like propped up on a pillow. I didn't bring a mic stand. So I have to like, keep hovering over this weird mic thing. You know, I'm gonna be sucking in your face. Y'all, I can't hide this shit now. - Well, let's move on to Vanderpump Rules. So the episode begins in Vegas, where we left off sort of. It's the next morning, it's 11 AM. Guys are waking up. And the big news is that the Toms got their butts tattooed shorts. Got Bubba tattooed on his ass in like tattoo script, you know, cursive. You know, that was like an homage to Katie. - That's so like just getting back from jail, you know? - Or I'm from Bubba on your ass. Oh my God, do you know that guy poops and doesn't even feel it? - Yeah, that's, as everyone, as several people mention on the show, Bubba on your ass is not gonna be great for you in jail. - Yeah, but it's probably kind of what he was going for. I mean, if anything, that guy's like a bottom and waiting. - Yeah, basically. And then Tom, he got in honor of Ariana. He got an A on his ass, but it's like a flaming A. So it almost looks like a weird ode to the Oakland Athletics, but it's not. And it's like, then as other people mentioned, it sort of looks like an A made of bacon. And it's just, it looks weird. It doesn't look like a tribute to anything. It's just a strange tattoo. - It's a hairy A. And it's also hilarious because it's like a hairy A on a man. And you know, the Scarlet A is what the woman had to wear after she had the... - Bubba to have an affair. - Yes. - And she was the previous. - She was the previous. - And how he met Ariana in the first place. So Ariana has probably read some books and it's not amused with this flaming hairy A. - Yeah, but to be fair, she's not amused with anything. - That's true. - She's like, I can't believe it. Like, I just, you know, I can't believe you went to Vegas when I got an A on your butt when you should know that I always like the letter B, but you got an A instead. I don't understand it. - That's totally heard. - And that's how you know that that's your wife. - Yeah. - And she's like, you're an idiot. Then you're like, oh, you're gonna be a great mother. - And then you marry her and knock her out. - Yeah. So speaking of Ariana, her big thing is that she's getting ready for one of those journal reading shows. I think the big famous one is something called like, like, I forget what it's called, it's called like embarrassing or shameless or shameful or there's, or humiliated or, I don't know, there's this, it's really a very famous show that's in Brooklyn and in LA where people get up on stage and read out of their journals. This is not that. This is like the wannabe version of that. And so Ariana is all excited and she tells us, she's like, you know, I've done shorts for websites that have millions and millions of views. So like, this is really up her alley and she's not a comedian, but I'm an actress who's funny and understands comedy. She says the most serious- - I'm not a common humorless guy. I'm an actress who can be funny. - You know, I haven't seen either of any of that. Please stop describing yourself in that way and don't read things. And also, you don't have a journal and that was not from your journal. You're a liar. Shut up. What is the show? 1 p.m.? Like, when did they go to the show? It was day like how-- - Yeah, I know, it was-- - When they got there and it was day like that when they left and then Sheena said, "I gotta be back at start." And that's like 4 p.m or wait or shift start. - Yeah, no, it was clearly a show that was put on for Vanderpump Rules. Like, that was the biggest show. - Yeah, that was a huge amount of bullshit. - And that was at our studio, you noticed that, right? - I did. We recorded our episode with Heather McDonald upstairs. - Yeah, that's our crappin's little studio that we've only been to once. So, okay, you guys wanna come back and do it again? We're like, "Sure, call you later." - No, I'm in my underwear, my house, I'm looking to join. I'm going to your place. - I wanna go back, I liked it. - The act guy is cute, though. - Well, you know, we only work with cute people. So-- - There's like five guys that are named the same thing and they're all cute. - That's weird. - So, yeah, that was just funny 'cause like, I feel like Ariana's really only said one really funny thing ever on Vanderpump Rules and it was that line from season two where she's like, "I'm smarter than her, I'm like smarter, I'm sexier, whatever, deal with it." Whatever it was, she said, she had a funny number that. - She started Ariana off, like her first couple of testimonials or whatever on the show. She was like the bitchy, gorgeous new girl. - Like, smart honey. - Who's coming to the company. - Yeah. - And then she immediately got switched into this weird victim role because Kristen was so crazy but now we're starting to see the original character. - Well, yeah, now she's, now they're showing her as kind of like, she's not even like a bitch, she's just kind of like a killjoy now. And a killjoy with these really kind of annoying twee tendencies, like, I'm gonna have a bouncy castle and I'm gonna have like fruit roll-ups and stuff like that and like, ugh. - But to be fair-- - She's so bossy with the guy, it's like, he went from one torture was hacked to another, like this one looks better in her uniform, but like, they're still both crazy. - But to be fair, we're also completely just following the edit that they're giving us because even before this season began, I think I even, I mentioned this on the show, right? That I had, I remember I had coffee with malls and she's friends with all of them and she's like, "Oh yeah, Ariana says they're giving her a terrible "at the season." So like, we're just basically getting the terrible edit. But you know, I'm fine with that. I love rolling with the edit. They make someone look like a bitch. I'm like, "Yeah, she's a bitch, I love that." And the next season, I'm like, "Yeah, I love her, yeah." - Well, what this, what she's saying isn't really wrong, like the Kristen stuff. Like, her judgment of Kristen is spot on, it's just that they're trying to give Kristen a good edit because she's still on the show. So like, you cannot like her all you want, but she's still a cast member. So they have to intercut this shit with you saying it. - Yeah. - I mean, I think she seems nice in real life. - Ariana, yeah. - A couple of times, but she seems like nice and chill. She doesn't seem weird like this, but you never know what goes on in a relationship. That's when the real crazy comes out when you're with somebody and you're like, "Why'd you look at her like that?" - "Give me everybody some Vegas, give it to me." - Yeah. - Whoa, where this bitch going from? - I know. Meanwhile, out on the floor at the restaurant, probably the highlight of the episode, she knew going, "My fish chef didn't have the night "as pan roe such a land sea bass." - I know, I was like, "This bitch is torturing us." (laughing) Jesus Christ, it's Christmas. Do we have to go there, Sina? Why did we start talking about sea bass last time anyway? - Because of this fucking show. They mentioned, Lisa's like, "What do we have on the menu?" - They're like, "Tuna tartar and Chilean sea or Chilean, "you know, don't fucking show. "Chalayan sea bass." And I was like, "That's irresponsible." And you were like, "Why?" And then we googled in, and then we argued, and then I read too much, and then you read too little, and then I was like, "Oh my God." And then at the end, we were like, "I love you still." And then I was like, "I do too." But then when she said this, I was like, "Oh my God, let it die." It's like fucking Christmas, nothing ever dies. Let's talk about shit from the fifth grade, okay? Bring that up to you, Sina. Mention how you had to lock the doors, and I stole all my sister's Girl Scout cookies and ate them, and then put the boxes back and pretend that they were full, and then everyone felt tricked when they got their empty boxes of Girl Scouts. - Did that make any sense to you? - No, but I was just going, I enjoyed it though. I was going along with it. I did that to my poor sister. She tried to deliver Girl Scout cookies, but all the boxes were empty, because when the crates were delivered, I would open them and steal all the cookies out, but then put the boxes back like they'd never been opened. God bless her. - Oh my God, that is impressive. I mean, it's like you didn't even realize that crate was lighter, sucker. Sisters such a trusting person. - Well, anyway, so then the guys, everyone like the guys like a racing back to surf from Vegas, and they get there like five minutes late, and Lisa's standing at the door, and Lisa Vanderbump is like so sick of me in the scene. She's like, "Oh, get in there, get in there." Like, "Hey, Lisa, let's look at the tattoo." She's like, "Oh, I don't want to see that." And they're like, "Love you, Lisa." And they kiss her on the cheek and everything as they go in one at a time, and she's like, "Oh, just, oh, enough. "Just get in, get in. "Oh, I don't know why I put up with you, boys." I was expecting like the electric piano score to kick in, and my friend on it, and like a saxophone, be like, "Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah." And then transition to a scene with like Mr. Belvedere. It was, you know, it was like such a sitcom mom in that scene. - She is, she's like... - You got her tattooed. You got her name tattooed on your ass web. You've had her on your tan for a long time, you're a man. - Ooh, ooh, ooh. - Yeah, exactly. Yeah, you're expecting like a laugh shot, but like, "I don't know what I'll do with you, boys." - Oh, good. - Yeah, exactly. - I love that they've inserted her into this show. They're like, "Okay, you have to show up and just yell at somebody randomly." And you know she walks around for 12 hours on that shooting day like, "Listen here, bus boy, you may pour water, but I've got a glass at me, it's half filling." - You know, like just random things that don't make sense, but are setting that weird tone of hers. - It is kind of, if you think about it, it's kind of a hilarious genius conceit that Lisa Vanderpump, I just call it a Lisa. Lisa Vanderpump is injected throughout the show because the show is essentially, you know, the hills like next stage of the hills, right? It's even has like some of the same producers, you know, sort of the same look except it has whatever, but it follows, like if we were to keep on watching what happened to people on the hills, it would basically be this show. But like someone's like, "Let's take the hills and throw in a woman who's in her fifties, commenting every day like that." (both laughing) - I mean, really think about the person. - You know, he's never there in real life. - Yeah, it's like-- - I think you can lead a horse face to water, but you can't make it pay for its drinks, it's sad. You know what I mean, darling? - No, no, like next scene, it's about herpes and, you know, date like, what the hell? It's like herpes and imprinted into someone in Vegas and partying and getting drunk and cheating and sex and sex and sex and cheating and two girlfriends, whatever. And then this lady on her fifties who's British has something to say about it. And then going back to-- (both laughing) I love this show so much. - I'd give you a spanking, but I think you might like it, young man. Now get back to work, darling. - All right, and there's like, puttering off very slowly down the street with Canada that weird pink antique car. (laughing) - So anyway, so now Jack's, Brittany, his Kentucky girlfriend is moving to LA and Jack says, "I feel like she's my girlfriend. I really don't see any other way out of this one." I'm like, "Well, that's really romantic, Jack's." - Mm, like Pac-Man trapped in a corner. - Yeah. - It's like, "Are you gonna get killed by Blinky? Are you gonna get killed by Pink?" (humming) (humming) - Well, I guess I'll give another wife tomorrow. Guess what? One day you're not gonna get another wife. One day, a Brittany or a Susie or a Paula can stab you in the throat, motherfucker. - Jack's really is Pac-Man, 'cause he really just goes around, eating little pellets of who knows what until he gets to a cherry. 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Get decorations from the Home Depot, CVS and more through Instacart, and enjoy free delivery on your first three orders. Service fees and terms apply. - And then after you meet somebody and have the baby, nobody knows what to do. So it just ends after like 10 bananas. - And once he gets to like one of those, basically then he gets like his drug stash in the corner. And when he does that, then he just goes after all the ladies all at once. Like, and they all just run away. They're all running away. And he's like, and they just turn into eyeballs. And their eyeballs are like, what did I do? What is, I have lost my soul. But then they're like, but then they're like, oh wait, no, he's my boyfriend. And then they get the power again. And he runs, then they go after him and he's running away. He's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let me find something better. He does a little coke. They all look exactly the same. - Yes. - They're all flashing down really fast. And then the coke wears off. And then he's going really slowly until they all attack him and murder. - Yeah. And he's like, he just trying to get out, getting away from him until he can find his next cherry. - Gobble up. - And every version of his game, they just make his face bigger and bigger and more nonsensical. - Why is his eye moving like that? What version of the game is this? Jesus Christ. What happened to just a chomping circle? Pac-Man has eyes. Get the fuck out of here. I was in an arcade all day with my niece. - Pac-Man always had little eyes. - I played four versions of Pac-Man. I was horrified. The last version was this gigantic screen. It was like seven feet tall. And you play it, you put a dollar in there and then you press a button and the Pac-Man does something and it beeps and screams at you a lot, gives you no tickets and sends you on your way. And that Pac-Man looked crazy in the face. I was like, what have they done to Pac-Man over the years? - I also want to say that the Pac-Man board is actually an accurate blueprint of what Sir Restorant looks like on the inside. Just a lot of like hallways that you can't figure out where you're going, but you come around the corner and there's like a ghost, no. - We've done the Moroccan door to the left now. All tricked you Pac-Man, you cannot get a shortcut from the alley to the front door. It no longer works. - You actually, if you're in Sir and you walk through a door on the left side of the restaurant, you magically appear in the purple lounge on the right side. You just go from one side to the other, just like that. You finally get to the end of Pac-Man and Lisa Vanderpump is throwing me the most fattening fruit ever made by God at you over and over. It's like, here's a banana fatty, here's another one fatty. - Oh, Jesus, let this game end already. - Lisa walks into search, they all look at all these palettes everywhere, someone can clean these palettes and cherries all over the place and little balls of cocaine in the corners. Someone, come on, clean this up or a pandy, get over here. - Those ghosts wouldn't be so upset if people knew how to battle. - All right, Pac-Man-- - Staff is Mrs. Pac-Man. - She's from Pump. - She's from Pump. - The property model. - Mrs. Pac-Man from Pump is here to show you proper ways to distribute palettes around the restaurant. - The face is like, I would really love to try those palettes one day if you could have it in your heart to give me a sample. - No face, stop it. My favorite-- - I've already given you all of the furniture from there. - My favorite-- - A lobby, darling. - My favorite faith moment of the episode was there was one moment where she was just like, she was picked up two glasses off a table and they had a chyron underneath that said like, said, "Faith, you know, sir, server." And it was almost that she was going to say something or do something and they just cut away. It was just like they just gave her a chyron and they were like, "There, that's enough out of her." - Yeah, they're like, "Look, diversity." She's polishing glasses, cut. - Yeah, that's literally what happened. So anyway, so the news is that Tom and Jax want to do a joint birthday and Jax-- - That's not a good idea. - And-- - Who tells a birthday party with so many fucked-your-other girlfriend? - Exactly. - Weird. - Exactly. And Jax wants Kristen to join also not a good idea. So this is going to lead in trouble and Jax is like, "But don't tell anyone." So we know this is going to lead to trouble. That's all that there's to say about that until later in the episode, but the seat is planted and everyone's like, "Yeah, since I got a great idea. "I think so. Kristen's been acting really cool these days. "Yeah, Kristen's cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah." - Yeah, Kristen's totally redeemable. It doesn't work here anymore. It still comes in through the smoking alley. Totally normal. - Totally normal. - Well, let's just all pretend that this is totally, totally normal. And Jax is like, "Yeah, me and Kristen are cool. "Why wouldn't we be?" - Uh. - So then-- - Best watches show, right? - Y'all have DVRs? - Yeah. - So then-- - You came on her face on a futon and Tom's house. What do you mean if you don't know why it would be weird? - Yeah. Speaking of weird, then Tom comes in with, to have dinner with his mom and Shay and Ariana. It was sort of weird that Shay was there. And it was also funny that they're having dinner at Sir, but of course, you know, a free meal. So we meet Tom's mom. And the first thing that I was surprised at is that she has crazy smoker's voice, like, crazy-- - Yeah, she's like, "That news, mom." - Hi, Tom. - Bad news, bad news, Tom. - Bad news, Tom. - I was told, man. - I couldn't save it. But she's a firefighter also. That was the other surprising news. - Well, that's why. I mean, you can't make fun of her voice. She's like, I don't know, I'm like, stop. You know. - Stop any. - For just fires and chains, you know. Smokey the bear owes her to-- Do you know how many bears are still trying to get to midget asses, sorry. It's like a tad real hot sauce with Atlanta call back. - Can't make it happen. - Carry on, everybody. - So anyway, so we met her. And she seems really cool. And I loved how every time that Tom, like, said something to Spongebob, like, "Ugh, Thomas." - I'm giving her British accent now because you put Rainier in my head. - Yeah, yo, let's just do her as that lady. - Bad news, mom. I saw him got attached to you on his ass. - Okay, so they're all eating in the restaurant. And he's just like, "Yo, Tom's mother, "why, you look like the brawny man." - Sure, it's, mom. Well, I wore paper towels and also firefighting. - I mean, she's like, "Well, you know, mom, "would everything in life's going so fast? "I'd like to have something that goes a little slow, "like when paper towels." (laughing) - Putting out of fire is like massaging your cold hole. Very slowly. (laughing) - Yeah, so. - Lisa's like, "Darling, I don't know if anybody's told you, "but you're a hero. "Did I ever tell you that you're someone's hero? "I mean, not mine, darling. "But I'm, it shows me somewhere, "somewhat I had a fire one time that you put out, darling. "I mean, how did you raise such a pussy? "It looks like a little lost Native American girl. "It shaves us forward. "Vaxes, eyebrows, and waxes is cold. "Hold, darling. "How did you raise this loser, hero? "Roc, that's my man. "That's my boomer, mom." - She's like, "You know, I put out a lot of fires, "but you literally put out fires. "Cut to the saxophone music and transition to the next scene. "Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. (laughing) "Is someone out there composed of some "like 80s transition music, please?" (laughing) - And then Tom is just as flattered. Well, the mom tells story as she's saying. - One time, Tom was in a talent court case. Mom, there were all, there were 27 intrants. Two was the old label. It was an old girl's school, mom. - All the girls shared and shared. - I was like, "Whoa, fascinating story." And then they cut to a picture of me as the only boy in tap class at the dance factory in El Paso, Texas, like the center man rolling glitter outfit. Of course, people are laughing at you, darling. You're a fat child with glitter outfits and tap shoes. - Well, Tom. - Hugs, Tom, hugs. - The funny thing about doing this British accent though, is that she actually has a really, really thick Midwest Chicago accent. She was basically like, "That bears." - Yeah, she is. - Oh, yeah, Tom. Tom would, you know, he had a lot of talent contests. - Oh, yeah, Tom. I don't know. - You can take your eye around. - I know, I turned her Irish. I'm just not gonna even, let's just keep her British, but I just felt like it had to be noted that she had a crazy life. - We're going through the spice rack of things. I know. - Yeah, Tom never knew, you know. I mean, look at Tom. I was like, "Oh, he's such a man." But then at the end of the day, he's doing the tap dance and win. So what's he gonna do? - It's like great story, Mom. And then his story is just splattering. He's like, "Yeah, my mom, like, she was a badass. She was a firefighter. Like, one time me and my brother were in the bathroom, and we were like, "Wow, let's make a leg of a toy." And she thought she heard a fire starting. So it sounded like you asked Park. It was like boom, boom, boom. - And then my mom kicked down the door and her flip flops. - She's like, "Yeah, that happened." - What a life. I was dying. It made me like Tom so much. I know, I know. It was actually a really likable moment. And his mom is really cool. So then we went to a bar where Kristen and Jax were going out because no, like Kristen's dating. Jax is gonna be like a big man, seriously, seriously. So Jax is getting hot. - You knew one thing I really realized, Jax, like I don't even need to be a crazy bitch anymore, you know, 'cause like, I'm like, I'm cool. - And he's like, "Yeah, I caught something." She's like, "Me too." - But the catch is that you both been caught. - You know, they are in darling. - You just born in band-aids. - Yeah. Yeah, when Kristen patters up on the back for saying that she's not a crazy bitch anymore, but now she's, I'm fucking cool. Seriously, seriously. And then Jax is giving her advice on dating. I was like, "This is such a recipe for disaster. "Please go on. "Please, please continue doing this." So especially when Jax is like, "Yeah, you don't want to date like guys in their twenties "'cause they don't know what they're doing." - Yeah. - Billy Jax, you have a Jack Lantern face. You have your own come on your forehead and you don't know English. - Please stop talking. - How's your chunky sweater line going and how's your fitness app? - You know he still hasn't gotten that thing dry cleaned. It's like four years later. - Yeah. So, blood of Sheena's toe on the corner of that. - I can't believe it was what happened to Matt. - So then Kristen starts like talking to guys at the bar. And first of all, I'm cracking up because it was so LA. Like this one guy's like, "I mean technically I'm more of a model than an actor." I was like, "Oh my God." So LA. But of course, but it's so upper alley because let's not forget like it was Kristen and Katie who were like, "We're models, we're models." Like sorry. - Sorry if you don't like us because we're hot. - Great model for the price ever. - Yeah. - And in fact, Jack's even at this point in the day, they talked, Kristen actually talks to like a few guys and they're all like really good looking. And then then Jack says to Kristen, they're like, "Ugh." And then Jack's is like, "We're honestly the best looking motherfuckers here." It's like, "Have you, Jack's?" Jack's no, I'm sorry. Like you, the torch has been passed. - Girl, that torch has been stomped on, run over, splattered with like a rain shower, pissed upon, started on fire, and put in a hole and covered over Jack, it's gone, okay? - Yeah, the Olympics are officially over, the torch is out. - It's time to just like read a book, learn something. I don't know, find something to talk about because that face is done. - Girl, I'm like your fit. How many Pacmans do you get? - Yeah. - Seriously dude, do, do, do. - And now, and poor Kristen, she's just so desperate. She is, portly, I literally, but she's like, she decides that she wants someone who's taller than her, who's age appropriate, and so as a result, she sees a guy with a beard, and is like, "How old are you?" And he's like, "Girl, I am 23." And she's like, "Okay." And then she starts making out with him. I'm like, "You know, he's a gay man." He's a gay man. - Yeah. - She's like, "Yeah, I love your lip smackers, they taste so good." (laughs) - Yeah, that guy was like shaving a face line on. That guy was a queen. He was some, you know, he was some PA, bravo. - Yeah, yeah, exactly. But she makes out with him anyway. I was like, "Oh." - But that's so LA, too, to be like, - I'm 33, I'm a T-shirt magnate. - Yeah. - I have a T-shirt line. - Yeah. - So, speaking of young people-- - Can I ask something, I'm sorry, because you're trying to move this along, and rightly so. But, uh, bam, I don't understand what's happening with short people. Short people get no respect. In both these shows, Kenya was like, "I need a man who's six foot four. Looks like Matthew McConaughey." I was like, "Okay, you're already done." And now on this show, she's like, "I need a man who's at least six-one." You know what, you guys? Short people are hot, they work, they read. I mean, they're just normal people. What is wrong with short people? Why does everybody hate short guys? - Yeah, I don't know. You know, I, like back in my, when I was dating, I actually didn't mind if someone was shorter than me. I always liked someone who was taller. I preferred taller, but height was actually never, it was never a deal breaker for me. - I love a man who's shorter than me, because if you still like me when you can look at me from below, like up, you see my double chin, my heart up my nose, my boogers, like nothing looks good from below. Like when I take a selfie, it's from a bow of, you know? So if somebody is attracted to me, like from the booger standpoint, I'm totally an icon fuck them for like a million years. You know, I feel secure. I know that sounds condescending, but it's true. - Well, I, one thing though, is if someone was shorter than me, they had to have like some like very strong physical feature, like a really good body or a really good face or, you know, anything else. So that was the thing. And I feel like if someone's taller, then I was like a little bit more forgiving, but like I always felt like in terms of, yeah, you know, I actually once went on a, I don't know, was it a date or was it a hookup? I don't remember, but someone was like five, four, really short. And I was fine with it, I didn't mind. - Yeah, look at me, look at me being open. - I just think it's so weird that like people have these lists and that's one of them. I mean, I hear it a lot with baldness. Like I need a man with hair and I'm like, okay, whatever. Please don't even bother with me because if hair is what you're worried about, like I've got way more than that. - But I've got that sometimes, but just the short thing. I don't get it. - Yeah. - Okay. - Well, I mean, it's had a bad, short guys had a bad amount of photos. - But you know, everyone, you know, has attracted to different things. And the truth is that so many girls are so short as it is. So it usually works out. - Well, there you go. - There you go. So speaking of speaking of people making out and stuff, then we have Lawler and James. So back at the restaurant and Lawler and James are like kissing and making out like right there in the middle of the restaurant. And like, now I guess they're back together because he probably groveled to her and got her drunk and kissing. And then Lawler has like. - Hey babe, how you doing, babe? Yeah, babe, yeah. - Yeah, that's not, babe. Yeah, maybe that fried calamari. Yeah. - Lacing bitch. - You like this honey? You like this honey? You like this kissing right now, honey? - I'd like to do with you like I did to that calamari in order to next to start a sauce. Bab, yeah, baby. - And Lawler has this sort of like annoying way of talking almost like she's a diner waitress. She's like, yeah, I had a lot of fun with you, babe. Yeah, babe. Yeah. Good time, babe. You want some fries that, babe? Okay, huh? - That's such a good way of saying sadie whore because that's how I think of it. I'm like, this girl is ready to get pissed on, punched, stapled, made out with, or married. Like she doesn't even know what's gonna happen. She's just like, all right, here's my price list. Do what you gotta do. If you ain't gonna pay me, here's my card. Give it to your friends. - Yeah. - Yeah, I'm just saying it's funny to compare it to a waitress because, to me, it's like, you know, like sadie whore, like giving a menu of the shit she'll do and saying everything in the same tone. Like, you can punch me, piss on me, make out with me, marry me. Like she doesn't even know what's coming, you know? She's ready for anything and she's ready to make a deal. - Yeah, oh, she certainly is. And we'll get back to that in a, you know, later on in this episode. - Tricky Lawler. - Tricky Lawler. - Be nice to Lawler's menu. So then Kristen, Kristen then comes to Sir. And she's like, for no reason. She's like, what are you doing here? - She's like, I was just in the area and I thought, why not drop by? Oh yeah, you just happened to be in the area. Of course, you like are circling the area at all times. - You know, I don't like that. - She's your artist. I was being a freakin' in the dumpsters outside. And I happened to hear that you guys were opening and setting up and I was like, what a coincidence. So I came out of the dumpster. I coulda set the nap on all yay. So she and Katie like hang up like in the back alley. And he's like, yeah, all my animosity. It's kind of just dissolved away. I was like, well, no shit, you're like Katie, you always like, you gravitate to someone new like every three months. So it's like you and Shina. So-- - Because she needs somebody new to talk about her stupid, terrible relationship with that isn't sick of her. - Oh God. - She's like, that was five haircuts ago. So I'm totally over it. She totally forgot all the Tom stories. - Okay, I have to say Katie and Tom are the low point of this show because Katie isn't being like a crazy historical drama queen anymore. And Tom, honestly, I actually get really bored. Whenever the camera's on Tom, it's always kind of like this. Like he's just so cute and so adorable. Like he's got, you know, messy hair and boopie boopie and I get a dad bun. - No, no, no, I'm like, it's not doing anything for me. Like, I need Katie and Tom to settle. - Yeah, kind of missed his expiration date, you know, like his milk a sour. Like a couple of years ago, it's cute when you're really fresh and like 20 years old looking and you're like, I can't commit to things and stuff like that. You're like, oh, that's so cute. But now it's just kind of like you're a loser and now you're fat and you're a modeling shoot. - Yeah, it's like, you know, when Jack says on screen, it's funny because he always says something delusional or he lies or he's just ridiculous. And when Tom Sandoval's on, it's funny because he says something either like overly sensitive or he's like, has these like narcissistic moments. But when Tom Schwartz is on, he's just sort of like, does nothing, you know? - I don't get it, I'm just a boy. - Yeah, it's like, it's not- - I'm a young boy. - It's not, it doesn't do anything for me. It's all, you know, he needs to get back to the days of pouring water on Katie, which he hasn't done this season yet. Like I like it when he pours drinks on girls, that's very funny to me. But he doesn't do that anymore. - You can get a job or you can be abusive. So take your big, Tom. - So anyway, Kristen's telling Katie that she wants to apologize to Ariana because she wants to mend the broken bridges. (laughing) - I love that Kristen is so stupid that she doesn't even burn bridges. She breaks them. - They can totally fix them. - I wanna burn the fences and mend the bridges. She's like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna water your house down. - Like no, bitch, you sent it on fire. - Taught you how to get revenge, darling. - No one is suffering who's ever wronged you, darling. - Seriously? I'm gonna go to London and mend the bridge there. 'Cause it fell down, seriously, seriously. - All right, staff of sir. We've brought in Eric from pump to see if you have to burn down a bridge properly, darling. All right, Eric, go ahead and stop brandy on fire. Just do it, I'll see what a bridge will say. - So, so then, so now, so at this point, Ariana is kind of set up for failure. Like it's, this is like the moment when it's, they're like, okay, we have decided we're really gonna give you the bad at it because we're putting you in an impossible situation, which is we're sending Kristen in to apologize to you and you can either accept it, which would go against probably everything in your soul or you can go against it, which would then make you look like the, you know, the heartless bitch. And so, Kristen goes in to Ariana and she's like, I just wanna say like, you know, I was really immature and I'm like really sorry and I'm not trying to be your friend. And Ariana's like, no, my friends are very intelligent, funny, wonderful people and I've never seen you be any of those things. - Did you hear Kristen go? - I'm funny. Like, Ariana was telling you're off. She's like, 'cause Kristen was really tap dancing. - And here's where I disagree that she, I don't think she's getting a bad at it. She's literally doing those things. - That's true. - You're right. - I take that. - But I think that like her opinion is totally on point. Like, she's right what she's saying about Kristen. The thing is she's being manipulated and she's saying I won't be manipulated but then she gets manipulated by looking stupid, you know? Because of course, Kristen's like, "Hey, you know, like, how does it kind of mean to you?" And Ariana's like, "Yeah, like how you said you wanted me "to get hit by a train or a bus or a plane or an automobile?" And she's like, "I just saw that movie with that fat guy." Like, what it really meant was like, "I mean, like, I'm sorry." She's like, "Really? "That you said you wanted me to be childless forever? "You wanted my throat to get cancer "and you wanted my vagina to turn into a raisin?" She's like, "Yeah, but like, you know, like, let's hug." She's like, "Really? Hug me? "Like, you wanted to hug me in death?" It's like, Ariana. The problem with Ariana is that she actually sunk to Kristen's level. And in previous seasons, she would have just sat there and just like nodded and be like, "Okay, thanks." You know, and then bitched about it afterwards. But in this case, she sunk down and to the point where she was like, "Whatever you do in life, "whether you're frolicking in a meadow "or taking a shit in the street, "stay the fuck away from me." Hey, it's the actress who loves comedy. The actress who loves comedy. Yeah, that's definitely one of those times. She should have been smart enough to see a manipulator and say, "Oh, Kristen, I understand. "I'm sorry that there were any hard feelings on. "I'm so glad that we can finally be friends." And then watch that bitch. You know? I mean, come on, to watch you teach people everything, Ariana. I mean, they're young, but they're not that young. I mean, they're 30, at least, right? Yeah, yeah, I think they're like 30. So then, "Schwartz C," am I right? But you go to Tom Schwartz's modeling gig? Please let's, I mean, I don't know where we are. I don't know. So we go to Tom Schwartz's modeling gig, where he-- What was his line? I mean, what was that? What was that modeling gig for? Well, it was funny. So he, I mean, not to body-shame him, but as a model, he was definitely out of shape. But you know, he's got some sort of celebrities. So of course, this fledgling brand is going to use him. But it was funny 'cause they have him doing all these different things. And there was someone working on the shoot. Some idiot was like, he literally says, "Yeah, he's really good at jumping." (laughing) This was not Carl Lewis here, okay? It was just like doing little bunny hops, okay? He's so good at jumping. God, Tom, you're such a good model. Thanks so much for doing this. Great modeling gig. My dad in the car goes, "So wait, that guy's meeting people for the first time and he lifts up his shirt. And he said, "Dad, look closer. He's also in his underwear. Like I love the tassel, my dad sees." He's like, "Why would he show his abs? He's also in underwear, dude. He said, "He's a model." And he said, "Yeah, but still, that's how you meet people." And so when you're a model-- Yeah, and by the way, what's your product? And also, what sort of underwear brand doesn't look at shirtless photos of prospective models first? I mean, they obviously didn't care about it. They just wanted him as a personality 'cause I know people would be like, "Oh, look, there's Tom Schwartz and some underwear." I don't even know if that was for underwear. That was for like pencil erasers. They were like, "Hey, what a tan line." Put a tan line over your head like you were wearing goggles and then wear a shirt open and be like, you know, kind of dad bod. Like when Katie told them later, "Ew, you're wearing mascara." He's like, "Yeah, you're wearing Rachel here. What's the difference, bitch?" So they're like, "You can't wear mascara and have a dad bod." Well, she's right. She is right. I mean, that-- But you know what-- And take note of underwear too, so. As you say, "Take note, Johnny. What's your face from Jim Blossoms?" No mascara and dad bod. What's his name again, Johnny? Oh, Jim Blossoms, that's a band-aid. They're not Jim Blossoms. Oh, I forget. They sing Iris. I want this here, John. I have old kids in your popular music of these days. When I was a firefighter, we used to lose my sister sister and that was it. Googoo dolls by Johnny Resnick or whatever. So anyway, anywho, now it's time they go to the improv show in the afternoon, the 1 p.m. improv show. Where they're all gonna read out of their journals and stuff. Those were all fake journal entries, right? People are like making jokes and stuff. Well, I think some of the people who participated did real journals, but I was only, I was just imagining, like, what would Sheena's journal say? What would hers be if she had to read out of that show? If room one two was, like, 14? Yeah, when she was 14. And she made me a crop-not tree. I like the idea that she actually, right. N-G-A-H-N-G. And it be invented the crop top today. Everyone in the season was like, wow. And I was like, oh, no. Darn diary. Today, I went to the cute Doba Grill and I met the man in my dreams. He's a manager there. And I realized I want to be a waitress someday. That's all she writes. That's all she writes. I can't believe-- - I just walked up to the swim coach behind the cowboy in an FAA, right? Like, I was just trying to understand nature. I'm not an alcoholic. It was just five beers. Darn diary. Today, I went to Plano Compero and they said, sorry, we just closed. I can't believe Plano Compero would close three weeks before my birthday. You're diary. No, it's weird. I really can't believe it's my butter. Oh. (laughing) (laughing) - I was like, I didn't give it to my not butter. - Darn diary. Today, I found, I just tried to roll a dinner roll. I mean, it didn't roll very well 'cause it was square. But why would I come out of dinner roll if it doesn't roll? And I can only, never mind. My pen ran out. Bye, diary. - Today, in painting class, I thought, wow. I wish I could be on the campus. But the fat guy with the big beer and then I'll be in addiction. (laughing) - Darn diary. Today, I was eating pastrami and I was thinking to myself, what would it be like in the future? What'd it be called, futurerami? (laughing) - All right. - That's the stupidest thing I ever said. (laughing) Pastrami, futurerami. (laughing) - That's too smart for Shina, though. - Oh, singers. - So anyway, people get up there. They're reading from their journals. So Ariana goes, she reads from her journal and it was actually really terrible because here she is saying she's an actress who understands comedic timing. But she's reading from her journal in this exaggerated, actually kind of condescending voice where she's like, "Dear diary, today is my first day on the floor and there are I above me, it's pretty cool, but I think she's a lesbian." I'm like, Ariana, you don't understand with these shows, you have to read it deadpan because the humor is that you said these ridiculous things. So if you're like making this funny voice, you're kind of like, I don't know what the word is, but you're kind of like shooting your job. - Yeah, I'm like, judge your team, so. - You can't joke your joke. You have to be honest about it and that's what's funny, but she's like, yeah, like, I mean, I was like, that girl's a lesbian, am I right? - And then she would crack up. She was holding a drink, which is a very nervous thing to do when you're swirling around a drink. - Yeah. - Am I right, guys? But she wasn't really saying any joke. She'd be like, "And then I walked to the parking lot. "Am I right, guys?" We've all been in parking lots, and we're right. - I never looked like, "Ha, ha, ha, ha." - Jax, for once with his pulse, you know, with his finger on the pulse, it's like, I didn't know that was supposed to be funny. - Yeah, it's true. - And he was right, he was right. That was the case where Jax was right. - And then I went to algebra class. Whoa! Am I right, guys? - Oh, shut up. - She just kept on laughing at her shit. I'm like, "Dude, you have to let the material "do the heavy lifting, you just read it, okay? "You don't have to add a supersonic tone to your delivery." - But then she went into this weird lesbian ramp, where she was like, "She chose the oddest part "of her diary to read, especially 'cause you met "that bitch who's running the show, right? "You know the host of the show?" Because she was like, "The hipster, east side cut, "stark, probably a part-time lesbian, at the very least." And she's like, "And then I was like, "Is that chick a lesbian?" And then I met the girl at the market, and I was like, "Is that chick a lesbian? "Am I right, lesbians, right?" Oh my God, that vagina just kissed another vagina. Am I right, guys? - Whoa, calm down over there, lesbian, huh? - And it makes sense, doesn't it? - I know. So then there was a moment with Tom, which was like, whatever, but then the fun stuff was afterwards, when everyone's like hanging out at the bar afterwards at 3 p.m. and Jackson Lala starts to flirt, and while they're flirting, James tries to mark his territory, so he walks over and first he kisses her on the cheek, and then he just starts making out with her, and she's like, "Ah, she's a total cuck block." And he's like, "Do you see this jacks? "You see this? Take a good look, honey. "I'm kissing this basic bitch right now." Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah. - Look at this jacks. Would you like to see a spin, jacks? Look at me spin this fucking jacks. Oh, oh, oh, oh, am I right there, babe? That's right, you're basic bitch, babe, yeah, that's what I want. (laughing) - The best part is that he then, James then walks away, but not far, they're like sending at like one of those, like a long table, so James just sort of like walks over to a different end to the long table, like probably about like three feet away. And Lala just, she just sort of like turns off the James part of her brain and just focuses back on jacks. She's so clinical in her hoden that I kind of have to like, I'm like impressed and I'm like amazed. She's like, oh wait, no, I have jacks here, so I am going to be working on this for the moment, James. - She's like the hoden general, hoden general. - Very exact. - General hoden, general hoden, general hoden. - Hell yeah, man, you pay, you pay who, you pay attention to who is paying you at the time. If table 10 has paid their bill, they left you a shitty tip and they're still sitting there, you don't need to give them water refills, all right? Concentrate on this new family who could possibly give you a nice fat 20%. - Yeah, exactly. - Okay buddy, whoa, you're sure handsome sailor. Wow, so great to see you in this port, tiger. We could be just like, we're like Sam and Sam. I'm like, oh, you need to just stop it over there, Lala. And Jack is like, yeah, that's fine. She's like, no. - Yeah, well they are flirting heavily and I mean she is, I mean she is, she's good at it. Like at one, you know, Jack's is just like rolling his eyes at James having just like come up and like kissed her all over the face. And he's like, you know, he says something like, James doesn't have to kiss her in front of him. And Lala's like, well you'll just have to kiss me in front of him. I was like, ooh, she, yeah, she's like, that's how it works. You know, like he sticks it in me. And then you get mad and then you stick it in me. And then before you know it, you're both fighting. And you don't see that both of your wolves are missing from the nightstand. - Yep. I was like, good for you Lala playing these guys. And she, I mean she is, she just goes from one to the other and it's like, you know, she doesn't care. - These guys are too easy. And she hasn't fucked either one of them. Now I don't know what she's gotten from it. Maybe a couple of drinks, like, you know, snorted meth off some of these, but, but otherwise, like what else? - Yeah, I'm at, you know, this is where we are missing Stasi because Stasi would be the one right now to come in, classic Stasi. That is, would be the one to be like, look at her. She's horing up at two different guys. Cause right now, Shina and Katie only fixated about the Italy trip, okay. But Stasi would fixate on what really matters, which is Lala being two guys, being with two guys at Sir and therefore having more power with the men than Stasi. - Hell yeah. And then she spent the rest of the episode trying to convince people that she was into Pajminas. Get out of here Stasi. - I know, big old lady. - So then towards the end of the episode, the like Tom and Ariana and Tom and Katie and Jacks are gathering to do the plan, start talking about the guest list for the joint birthday and Tom and Ariana are mad at the idea of Kristen being considered as someone to come. And so Tom actually says, he's like, "Do people have amnesia? "Did they drink some strange Kool-Aid?" I'm like, dude, you're the one going on a trip with Jacks who had sex twice with your ex-girlfriend. So you can't really talk about amnesia. - No kidding, good point. I just love that he was saying, - You guys? - Like the second they said, we wanna, you know, Jacks. - We wanna be back. - We wanna be back to the trip. And he's like, "Dude, Kristal, what do you want to buy Kristal? "Ehhh, they're gonna dance to me. "She doesn't control me anymore." - And then his veins are popping out of his neck. - He's going crazy. - And he's screaming and yelling. And then Ariana's like, "Do you know, 'cause Katie says something like..." - Well Katie, well Katie guys, it's over. Like she's still in the cast. She's either gonna sit the smoking area, smoking all of our cigarettes and drinking like five vodka sodas a night or we're just gonna let her come on a scene or two. And Ariana's like, "I'll tell you when it's time "when I say it's time." - Yeah. Well I love that Katie's whole thing was just, she just would say, "Look at you now." Like you're being crazy. Look at you now. And then Ariana's like, "No." And she's like, "Look at you now." And he comes like, "No, no, look at you now." - Which is kind of-- - They're all but that expons everything. Everything it's like, you know, like, "I got you a ring on a string. "Look at you now." - What is this? - Oh my God, when Lisa Vanderpump was telling Katie. - Well, first-- - What is the first thing? - First he got a dog. Then he got a ring on a string. Now it's a tattoo on the ass. I think he's come a long way. - Oh my God, says the mother of Max. - Yeah, he's doing well. He didn't spill water on a customer one day he'll be a waiter. - Well, that's the way the episode ended. - Oh, no, I'm sorry for Max shaming you on Christmas. I'm sure Max is listening to this in his dorm room at the rock and roll college being like, what did I do? - Nothing, Max. I'm an awful human being here in horrible. I love you. - Max is working his way up. He's on the Vanderpump schedule, he's a busboy, then the waiter, then the hosts. - You only spent 11 years as a busboy. And then I'm gonna teach you how to run food. - Like whoa, nepotism. - It works. So anyway, everyone, then we did it. - We did it, it's only 1.22 AM. - Yeah, wow, big, big episode tonight. So anyway, thanks everyone for listening. I get excited for the crappies this week. I'm excited, I know Ronnie's excited. - Can't wait, favorite time of the year. - Thanks everyone for listening. And this was a crazy episode. We were going, we was a tangent, tangent-tastic. - So fun. - And if you want more tangents, go ahead and listen to our bonus episode. And if you haven't signed up for Patreon, go ahead and do it so I can get your bonus episode. Oh yeah, there's gonna be so much stuff going up on the patreon.com/watchworkcrappins this week. - Get on there. - So then, honestly, on the holidays. - I love you. - I love you too. - I love you too. - I love you too Ronnie. - I love you. - Great boy. - We'll be right back. - Bye everybody. - Bye. (upbeat music) - If you like Watchwork Crapins, you can listen ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey at wondery.com/survey. - Hello ladies and gerbs, boys and girls. The Grinch is back again to ruin your Christmas season with 'Tis the Grinch Holiday Podcast. After last year, he's learned a thing or two about hosting and he's ready to rant against Christmas cheer and roast his celebrity guests like chestnuts on an open fire. You can listen with the whole family as guest stars like John Hamm, Brittany Broski and Danny DeVito try to persuade the mean old Grinch that there's a lot to love about the insufferable holiday season. But that's not all. Somebody stole all the children of Whoville's letters to Santa and everybody thinks the Grinch is responsible. It's a real Whoville who'd done it. Can Cindy Lou and Max help clear the Grinch's name? Grab your hot cocoa and cozy slippers to find out. Follow 'Tis the Grinch Holiday Podcast on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Unlock weekly Christmas mystery bonus content and listen to every episode ad free by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app, Spotify or Apple Podcasts. [MUSIC PLAYING]
