Audible's best of 2024 picks are here. From memoirs and sci-fi to mysteries and thrillers, Audible's curated list in every category is the best way to hear 2024's best in audio entertainment. Like a stunning new full cast production of George Orwell's 1984. And first of all, Everett's brilliantly subversive James. Audible, there's more to imagine when you listen. I actually am really excited to hear George Orwell's 1984 again, because last time I read that was back in, I don't know, middle school or something like that. And the world has changed so much with technology and everything like that. I feel like now is the perfect time to revisit and listen to it on Audible. Especially when it's told by a full cast like that, like it's a full production. It's going to be like a radio play, you know. That's major. Go to Audible.com/crapins and discover all the years best, waiting for you. That's Audible.com/crapins. 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Get free shipping on qualified orders. See site for more details. Today's episode is brought to you by our super sexy, super wonderful, super premium sponsor Marvin J, as well as our equally wonderful, equally sexy, premium sponsor, Christi Daugherty. ♪ Watch what Crapins, watch what Crapins ♪ ♪ Who cares what happens when there's so much that Crapins ♪ ♪ Crapins, Crapins ♪ ♪ Crap, Crap, Crap, Crap, Crap, Crapins ♪ ♪ Watch what Crapins ♪ ♪ Watch what Crapins ♪ ♪ Who cares what happens when there's so much that Crapins ♪ ♪ Who cares what Crapins ♪ ♪ Who cares what happens when there's so much that Crapins ♪ Hey everyone, welcome to Watch what Crapins. A podcast about all the crap on Bravo that we just love to watch and talk about and laugh about and just have a jolly good time with. I'm Ben Mandelker from bsideblog.com and the banter blender podcast. You can go listen to the latest episode of the banter blender podcast all about board games. What a surprise. Anyway, joining me as always is the man of the hour, the funny, the hilarious, the gentleman in his couch desk. Ronnie Karam from trashchalktv.com. Hi, Ronnie. Hello, Ben. Hello, Ben. Just kidding. I just wanted to start off really negatively. No, you were in a very social, that was, if that's your negative, you can be negative all day long. It felt good. I was trying to be in a bad mood, but I can't do it. How could you be in a bad mood? You know, it is the holidays. And yesterday was the 14 year anniversary of my bar mitzvah. So there is that a thing? Is that a thing you guys celebrate over there? No, we don't really celebrate the the. Happy bar mitzvah birthday, darling. Jim, remember that time that you turned 13 and then everybody threw money on the ground and he had to pick it up with your butt cheeks. What a day. What a day, but actually the 24 year anniversary, which is crazy. I almost, I just shaved 10 years off my age. Well, we are talking bravo. It's totally normal. Lisa even has on like her birth certificate 1960 or something. Get out of here. Get out of here. So if anyone wants to follow us on our social media, please go to watchforcrapins.com where you can find links to our Instagram Insta and to our vine and their Twitter. We got lots of good stuff there. Come to Facebook, facebook.com/watchforcrapins. It really is a great Facebook page to like and to go on to because it really rounds out the Watch For Crapins experience. There's stuff on there that cannot be expressed through the podcast. For instance, one of our listeners was on Tinder over the weekend and was matched up with Paul Nasif aka Adrian Malouf's ex-husband. So we have a picture of that up on our Watch For Crapins page stuff like that. Fun stuff. Yeah, and I like how he's so independent. He's like, I'm a doctor. He's taking the picture in his scrubs and then his like little hit on you line. You know how you have to put like a tag line? Yeah. Is this still haven't shaved my back, bitch? It's like, oh, so romantic. Thanks, Facebook. Thank you. And of course, you can support us on patreon, patreon.com/watchforcrapins. Patreon is spelled P-A-T-R-E-O-N, by the way. And, you know, if you support us, you get access to cool things. For instance, we are going to be doing a Google Hangout this Thursday, December 17th. It's my friend, Neil's birthday. Happy birthday, Neil. And our supporters get to come on there and we do a whole hangout thing and we laugh. We laugh and we drink and we laugh some more. We laugh and we party and we get to know each other deep down. Yeah. And there's always like a solid five minutes of being like, wait, I'm sorry. What'd you say? What'd you say? Because it's Google Hangouts and everyone, you know, there's like technical issues. But it's really fun. We also are animals to each other. We do. Everyone shows off their cats and dogs. And get drunk and then laugh about stuff. It's really fun. That's on Thursday. And we just did our bonus episode. We covered all sorts of bravo gossip in the bonus episode. We talked about Heather DeBrough getting scammed. We talked million dollars. Yeah. We talked about Yolanda and Muhammad possibly getting back together. We talked about Yolanda. What was the other Yolanda thing? You are paying me to live in a back house anyway. Why don't I just do it on your property? We get paid. Yeah. We have some money. It's a shiva coupon. You don't have to pay for shiva. We talked about Yolanda's health advocate and her curious background. We talked about Jack's and the restaurant he just bought. We talked about Jack's and his STD situation. You know what I just realized? Jack's restaurant now all caps with an exclamation at the point. That is those CDs they come out with every year that are terrible music from the year. Oh, Jack's what a hug. He got that shit off his Columbia House membership and he never paid for, finally paid off. No, that's what I call bad food. So we talked about all that and pressure cookers and hoverboards. So that's it. That's all just doing a mixtape restaurant. I love it. That's like an obscure single from Hanson. So that's it. That's all the shilling that we have at the top of this episode. But before we get into the recaps, we are going to be talking about Top Chef and Vanderpump Rules and Atlanta, possibly in a different order than that. But we have some fresh, real life, primary source gossip right for you here. Because there was a bravo summit on Friday. A bravo pundit summit. And Ronnie and I, as well as Amy Phillips from Watch What Happens. She does all the impersonations. And Mary... There's SiriusXM radio now. And yes, she has a name on radio. So? Yep. And Mary and Jessica from Housewives Kiki podcast. And Julia Cunningham from E.W. Radio, also in Sirius. We all descended on Sir Friday night. And I'll tell you. So, so fun. So we were missing the pumped podcast, which listen fuckers, we will meet one day. And we will have... I'm feeling the people at the pumped podcast will get properly fucked up with me. I didn't know I was going with a bunch of nens to start. You guys didn't even be allowed in that place. You're all too nice. Well, okay. We weren't all tonight. You were in a crazy place left. Friday, Ronnie, you were in a crazy place. No, I wasn't. I was where I am every Friday night. Drunk and mocking idiots in West Hollywood. Where the fuck were you people? I mean, you were hilarious, but you were all... It was very funny. Well, first off, that's how I am when I go out. I have so much fun when I finally do leave my house. That people who don't know me that way are like, "What are you doing?" Because then you don't really come out and party too much. Because I'm always too crazy for you. You're always like, "Bye." No, I've been out with you for a second. Excuse me. I've been out with you several times in the past. Several, several times. But you don't get all crazy and stay out late. There are times... Well, yeah, maybe I don't. You go home at like 11. Well, that's usually because... It's rather dreadful than I meant it. I know, excuse me. I have been known many times to stay up past 11. But not with me, because I think it's too embarrassing. Because you have to really be... We have stayed out with crazy people. Okay, we have stayed out way like till the bar is closed several times. I don't know where you're misremembering this from. The last time was like a beer thing you had at your house. And Matt Whitfield was there. That's how long ago it was. Because we were all three together laughing our ass off. Excuse me. We went to Phu... We went to Phu Bar. When? I don't remember when. But we went to Phu Bar. You left me there last time I went with you. Yeah, you know why? Because I got sick. I went home and I threw up. And guess what? The time before when we went to Phu Bar, you left me there again too. Twice. Well... No, here's what I'm saying. By the way, and also I think I should not be friends with me. I should not be faulted for wanting to leave Phu Bar early. I hate Phu Bar. No, you're not faulted. So that's what I'm saying. Like I'm sounding mean but I don't even mean to be mean because I don't want you to change. Like I don't want you to be like disgusting because I am. I literally have no life. So I'm like a prisoner getting out one time a month or whatever. And I'm like, "Wow, it's a prison yard." And I run around and just punch people randomly. And you're like, "Oh no, I'm a classy person." You know, that's a good thing. It's not a bad thing. Well either way, one night I need to go out with you when I can make you shit-faced Ben. Yeah, because I need shit-faced Ben. I don't know when that went well. I was not shit-faced on Friday but I was like nicely drunk. The other thing is I just didn't feel like spending a million dollars because I just had to buy this plane ticket to go to the bachelor party. So I was like, I don't want to spend like, you know, 18 dollars. A pressure cook was much better. Pressure cook was much better. A bunch of things sarcastic. So anyway, but the point is this, so it was funny. So we all get together at the store and we get there. And it's like around 6.30 ish or so. And we're in the back room and we have Danny. Our waitress is Danny. Some of you, for people who really follow the show, she shows up like once every five episodes to like make like a remark. Like and then she, then you don't see her again. But she's she's actually in the opening credit. You know, like at the at the end of the opening craze, they show everyone standing there. She's there all the way to the side. And I automatically love this girl. First of all, she was good and she was nice. And then I said, hey, don't why don't you. I have to preface this by saying when I go out, I'm broke. So what I do is I pre-drink. So I got basically a flask of 100 proof vodka. And I swigged it right in front of the AA center on that same street, which is hilarious. It's like between the gay bars. And I didn't realize I was doing it. So I felt all guilty and I showed up and I said, look, hi, everybody. I'm going to be drunk in five minutes. I just pre-drink and I was. Okay. So anyway, I told this girl, why don't you beat somebody? Like start a fight so you can be on TV more. And she goes, I don't want to be on that gross. Yes, I love you. That's what she said. It was actually pretty funny. She's like, they keep on wanting me to say things, but I don't really want to be on it. But it's funny though, because my memory is that every time she has been on it, she's usually said something really snotty. But she was perfectly lovely and she's really pretty in person, by the way. But at one point I'm running, I seem to remember like, you had dragged her down to the couch and you had like your arm around her. Oh, because I liked her. We were talking. Oh, okay. I wasn't sure what was going on. So anyway, so it was funny. So Jessica and Mary, they really missed out because they had to leave it like seven or something to go to some improv show. I'm like girls, we made this plan three weeks ago. How come you were leaving at seven p.m.? But they were like, you know, because we were there. And at one point Peter walked by like, oh, Peter, and I remember saying, I was like, listen, the longer you, the longer you hang out, the farther up the searching you go, because we start off with Danny. We'll be popping the floors before you know it. Yeah. Next, we see Peter. Who knows what the night has in store? So those poor girls. Diana was working the door. Diana was there in Guillermo. I wanted to do a drunken interview and just corner Diana in Guillermo. Be like, who actually works? You kept, you kept on doing it. I was like, no, Ronnie, please, no. Um, so, uh, I forgot I had Periscope. I didn't even need your ass. I should have just gone right over there and turned on the parry. I was afraid we were going to get kicked out. Let's go some shit. So, um, you can kick out a sir. Look who works there. Who's going to kick you out? They kept gay pride going after a glass broken my eyes. I am a scaredy cat at heart running. See, you are very good about like, you're like, fuck it. I'm going to do my thing and it'll be okay. And you and you're always okay, but I'm a scaredy cat. Okay, so I'm like, I'm like, I'm not going to raise my voice in a restaurant. So, well, I didn't raise my voice until we were on a patio, to be fair. Yeah, to be fair. I was fairly nice in the restaurant. You had outdoor, you had an outdoor voice in the outdoors. That was pretty good. Yes. Um, but anyway, um, so unfortunately, Mary and Jessica had to leave, which was too bad, because then things really got, oh, and also by the way, um, one of the writers from your site was with us, Kimberly, Kimberly, so good, sweetheart. She's so funny. Yeah. And she takes me there. She likes listening to the show and she loves watching all these shows. So I said, I'm meeting you guys at sir. And she's like, can I come? I know. She talks like Kristen Shaw. I love it. She's so cute. We went to see Adina Menzel's musical earlier in the week. We had a whole week mean, Kimberly. She was really sweet. I don't know. Every song is basically from frozen in my mind. I walked out of the new musical singing songs from frozen. So I mean, well done frozen. So anyway, so, um, and so Kimberly also had to leave early. So all these bitches, all these bitches missed the good part. So we went up to, then we went to pump. We're like, let's get this. Let's like, let's up the ante here. So we go to pump. We take a seat at the bar where, uh, you know, where Eric, the creator of the pump teeny was working Jennifer Lawrence's favorite cocktail. So already it was very exciting to be in the present. He's so cute. He is very cute. I mean, everyone there was cute. I was actually felt like a douchebag was when I asked for his picture, because I just feel so dumb doing that. But look, a little bald guy. It's like bald pride. I was like, we have to take a picture. And I thought he was going to be annoyed because they were so busy. And the minute he saw me raise my hand in that picture motion, he was like, I'll be right there. Like drop, drop everything, jump over the bar. The whole world revolves around a couple of insta, like, some telling you. And by the way, he talked shit about Jack's. I don't know if you were there for that part, but he was like, he's like, yeah. He's like, you know, the Tom? He's like, Tom is great. We love Tom. He's like, Jack's though. He's like, eh, I'm not going to talk about Jack's. But so we're like, come on. He's like, he basically said that Jack's is a major asshole. He's like, yeah, Jack's is a huge asshole. Like the other guys are great. Jack's is an asshole. No surprise there though, right? Yeah, they hate each other. I remember Jack's. What are you going to own the restaurant now, too, bro? Well, I love that rivalry. It really is like the cheers rivalry. You know, remember how like Sam alone has a rival somewhere else in Boston, and they like, they settle it by playing softball? It is like cheers, but everybody's a horror version of Woody. It's like a hotter version of cheers. So just walking around mumbling doing stuff and everybody else's Woody just fucking each other and passing whatever around. So at this point, actually, you were actually, I don't know where you were. I think you were either still at Sir or you were like missing for like five minutes you were gone. To Tom? No, no, because you hadn't shown up and then the Tom's showed up. And I was like, where's Ronnie? The Tom's are here. So both Tom's show up and within an instant, you know, people are flocking to take photos. There was this girl celebrating her 21st birthday, and she was so starstruck. She had her hands over her mouth. She was like, oh my God, oh my God. It was like she just got a ticket to go to Hollywood on American Idol. She was losing it for Tom, both Tom's. So anyway, the Tom's come through and they go behind the bar and they're like hanging out. And then Tom Sandoval, we couldn't tell who was teaching him, but like Tom and Eric were like having a cocktail moment. And I tried to be real sly. And I was like, I'm going to take a secret photo of Tom Sandoval pouring your cocktail. Of course, my flash goes off. So that did not work out. Obviously you don't have to take secret photos. I know specifically there for you to take photos of. No, but have actual bartenders in Tom just standing there. They were lava sweater. They were literally there to do the rounds. But the funny thing is so Amy and I and Julia, we were talking before and we're like, how do we want to approach this? Because it's like, you know, Amy actually is associated with Bravo in a legitimate way. And she has her show. And we're like, hmm. At first we're like, should we part? Originally we were like, we should say something. And then we're like, you know what? Like, we don't want to say anything because all these people kept coming up to take photos. And we thought we'd be like, do she if we ask for a photo too. But then once I took a photo and it was so obvious I was taking a photo, I mean, Tom literally stopped what he's doing and he posed for my phone. So I told you when I met that guy, it certainly go. I didn't even know I was talking to his friends and then I'm talking to this guy the whole month. And we had a lot of fun. He's very nice, you know. Very nice. But he's very LA in the way that he's like, take a picture, bro. I said, of what? And he said us. And I said, why? And he said, put it on Insta. I mean, that's them telling you to do it. So never feel bad. If you see anybody from reality show, jump them. That's what they're there. I felt bad. I didn't feel bad at all. But it was just funny that here I was trying to be just street and then my flash goes off. Like it was like the exact opposite. Asking, you're like asking my city for a blow drop from a hooker. You're like, should I feel bad about this? No, that's what she does. She's got bruised knees for a reason. Let it blow you. So either way, so afterwards, so Tom came through and we introduced ourselves to him. And then he was like, oh my god, you know. And he was like really excited because he knows who Amy is. He's been on Amy's show, actually, I think. And so he then actually was hanging out with us, not hanging out. But like every time he was in the area, he would come over and he would like talk to us like all night long. And it was funny because-- so he's talking to us. And I asked him about accessories because I was like, well, if anyone knows about accessories, it'll be Tom. I was like, what do you think about it? Like, what accessories should I go for? And he like-- if you ask him for like a fashion-- fashion tip or whatever, he is right there and ready. And he like-- he gives like detailed advice. It was kind of crazy and actually pretty cool. He was wearing a lava shirt and boots with jewels on them. Get that-- get out of here. I'm not saying I would follow his fashion. But he was like-- the advice he was giving me was pretty good, plus he said I had a good draw line. So I appreciated that. I'm like, Tom forever. Tom BFF forever. Yeah, I just kept coming by to snipe at him and then he would walk away. It was fun. Well, that wasn't me. And I was just fucking with him. So Ronnie kept scaring me away. So that was the funny part. So we would be having these-- so we were actually having like a normal conversation with Tom. And then Ronnie would come by. And you would say something crazy to him. You'd be like, you need to be uglier. Like, why are you so ugly? I need you to be uglier. So that way, you were doing like your humor. And you were like-- because you were also kind of like stoned and kind of drunk and all this stuff. And you were looking loud. How dare you, how dare you, sir? His eyes, the amount-- if you guys could have seen the fear in Tom's eyes, it was like-- he didn't know whether to be like cool to just play along. Or if you were really coming for him. And he was like, so he would just literally run away. Literally. I feel a responsibility whenever I talk-- whenever I see somebody that we talk about, I feel a responsibility to be almost too real. Like, I talk shit about you, so I have to be honest about it. It's almost like when you see your friend. I could see, yeah. And you're like, well, we've been talking shit, so I want you to know so you don't hear about this. Or something. So I don't seem fake. Because to me, it just seems like such a crazy world. And when I see you and Amy Phillips, who are honestly-- and I'm not even being a cop when I say this, you're two of the nicest people in the world. You're two of them. I hold you both in esteem because I never want to make either one of you mad, because you're legit good people. And I don't have that many in my life. And so when I see you guys talking to Tom, it almost makes me mad. Like, oh, they're being so nice. I just know. And I feel like it's my duty to say, look, Tom, every dude has a friend-- every fat guy in LA has a friend like you that works out a lot, and you're in shape, and you take us to the gym, and you make us work at. And you're like, that's her type of shit. And then you climb a fucking rope, and then we're outside my alley barfing. And you're like, when do you want to do it again? I was like, never, Tom, that's when we want to do it. Leave fat people alone. And it's funny. I mean, we were yelling at him from-- It was funny. It was like a funny-- it was a funny-- but the thing is that, like, well, it's funny is when we're watching, like, I know where you're taking it, you know? Because I know you're a humor, and I know where it's going. But he doesn't know until you get there. I know I love it. And so he has this look like you're actually really yelling at him, like, why would you fucking take shit? And so I know. But like, so it's funny. Well, it was like, we were a little like-- Terrified. We were a little terrified because it happened. That was my point, Tony. It worked. But here's what was really funny to us, Julia. Because at this point, it was Julia, Amy, and I. And at one point, you had gone off somewhere, and we were like, oh, gosh, we're sort of like on edge. What Ronnie's going to say next. So then James comes through. James. And he's wearing a tweed blazer and a scarf and everything. And first of all, he looks-- I think he looks better in person than he does on TV. He has also a remarkably square face. That was a big takeaway. So we see James. He's coming through. And they were like, uh-oh, like, you know, I feel like-- I feel like Tom can play a cool, but like, James, I feel like if Ronnie does his shtick with James, it might go down really badly. I love that it's not even my shtick. It's just my obnoxious drunkenness. But either way, so we're like, uh-oh. So then at one point, James comes over, and he's like talking to us. And then you come over and we're like, oh, here it goes. Here's about to happen. We could not have been more wrong. You and James were like, bosom buddies immediately. You guys were like, like, toking up together. And everything. It was like, you guys were totally made for each other. Because he doesn't care. Like, Tom is like that when he's not in business mode. But there, he's trying to decide whether he's supposed to be like in nice Mickey Mouse mode, where he's just patting children on the head, or whether he's going to be doing, you know, lines of coke off a wood table in a restaurant. Like, he's trying to decide he doesn't know how to juggle those. James doesn't give a fuck. He'll wait-- he'll bust a table while doing a line off the table. He would literally, like, Ronnie had, like, you had, like, one of the little, like, a vape thing, but, like, with weed in it. I hope you don't mind me saying, on the podcast. And so-- I'm licensed. Yeah. So you can pay for another nine-pump piece. You guys were taking, you know, hits off it. I didn't, because I knew I'd become, like, ridiculous. And the funny part was that, like, the music stopped. Because, you know, James was actually DJing Pump. And he goes, music stopped. And he, like, runs away. And then he came back. But I thought it was funny that he let the music stop. Because he liked you so much, Ronnie. He liked you. He wanted to just hook up with you. You know, it's like all the drug addicts find each other, don't you? He's like-- But that one smells like vodka. And he's got weed. Let's be friends. I also-- they're all super nice. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. James actually loves it. The justification of you guys and me. Because, you know what, Julia would totally be a drunken slut with me. I know she would, if you guys weren't there. I knew one more martini. And she would be on the side. By the way, Julia and I were throwing them back. I love that girl. And she has this voice. And I'm like, this girl's party. What is she like? 23. She's very young, too. She looks like a baby. The back world can play both. Because I can see the little-- I loved her. --the little parties. Like an instant love. I'll get it out, Julia Cunningham of E.W. Radio. So one thing that was funny to me, A, was that when James was DJing, he was like in the DJ booth. You kept on calling it the pizza oven with a salad garden, which was funny. But then James was DJing. And it was funny, because he's like in a tweed blazer with a scarf, DJing, like these like turntables. And it's just not what you imagine a DJ to wear. But the other thing with James is that when he was talking to us and he was like, yeah, I was such a dish bag over the summer. And then he was like making fun of that. Take a look at this. Take a look at this. And what Julia and I both could not believe is that when he walked away, we were both like, whoo, he was like, we always see on TV. You're like, why how is James like getting these girls? He's such like a little like, like, like, you know, skeezy, you know, any stream being. But in person, it was like, it's very charming. Full on charm attack. It's like shocking, shocking. Also, he does this thing. I think his charm is in the fact that even, no matter if he's being crazy or whatever, he actually looks people in the eye and he talks to people directly in the eye and he doesn't look around the room and shit like that. Now that anybody listening who thinks duh, that's how people talk to each other, no, this is LA. It's a town of robot people where you can't act a certain way or say a certain thing. And people are always looking around the room while they talk to you. It's very rare to talk to somebody without their eyes darting behind you to see what's better behind you. And he doesn't, like he looks at you, he listens to you. And it's like, wow, that's amazing that the one you would think you wouldn't like the most. Yeah, it's actually the only one who's actually paying attention. The rest of them are just walking around acting like Princess Diana. Well, I mean, when she was alive, I guess. Like signing things and being mad at some queen who's not there. Yeah, well, it was a really fun night. And exchange information with Tom Sandoval. He wants to come on the podcast. So we're gonna hopefully have Mon soon enough. I guess I should text him. But maybe in the new year, it'll probably be hard to get a hold of him. But Kristin, we're gonna have Mon. One of the things about Vanderpump rules that I like, we love making fun of those dodo words. But they're actually all likable. Like, we actually all kind of, I mean, we even, I mean, Kristin. You know, because the thing is this, there's an acknowledgement that what we see on TV, what we make fun of on TV, there's like a difference between that and like in real life. And, you know, you can make all sorts of high-minded arguments about the blurring of the lines between reality and character, et cetera, et cetera. And I'm sure the things that we say are still pretty hurtful. But we're just responding to what we see on TV. And that's the whole point of this podcast is, you know, we're just like, you know, your friends. Like when you're watching TV, this is what you respond to. It's like the people's couch or anything else. And so I know sometimes the things that we say can seem harsh. But the truth is that when you meet them in person, they're all actually like pretty normal, cool people. So if you're on Bravo and you ever see me coming at you in public, know that I will yell at you. But only for fun. It's like a hug. It's like a yellow hug. And then we'll laugh and get high together in the balcony. And then we'll just be friends forever. It's going to be great guys. Take it. I may be a bitch, but I'm not a fake bitch. Plus, Ronnie looked super cute in his scarf and his hat. I'd like to add. I was so sad the next day when I saw that. I looked ridiculous, but I was so cold and I just went to H&M. And the only thing I can fit into were scarves there. Yeah, you looked really cute. Yeah. So that was a fun night. So thank you all Bravo people. And Amy Felipe for making that little Bravo Christmas party. That was a good time. And we should all do that much more. Yes. So now guess what? Guess what time it is now, Ronnie? Crap Bins Mailbag with new Crap Bins Mailbag music. Crap Bins Mail by Crap Bins Mail. That song's going to rise to the top of the charts. Yes. We got sick and tired of the orchestral piece taking too long. So we made something that's a combination of church bells and dramatic violins, brontosaurus whale and sheep. All we need is the sound of the postman driving up and then stopping that square truck in the front. That, like, oh, we should have had a little cartoon. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. What's in the bag? All right, well, we have several questions, but we'll save most of them for the next show since we've talked so much before getting to a recap. So why don't we get to what Catherine asks. This is actually very top chef related. She says, which housewife would you suvi-- [LAUGHTER] Those of you who don't know, suvi-ing is basically when I think you put meat in the bag and you cook it below a certain temperature in this weird machine. And every season on top chef, someone tries to suvi something and it is a disaster every single time. So which housewife would you want to put in a little bag, cook at a lower temperature than the normal and then have it be a disaster? Well, one of the reasons you suvi-- basically, you're boiling something, but it's in a ziplock, OK? So the reason you suvi is to keep the moisture and the delicate nature of a meat. And I can't think of a housewife who's got any moisture left in her. Like, what are you trying to preserve? It's like suvi-ing a pretzel, you know? It's just going to be dried old crumbs anyway when you're done. It's a point. Yeah, I know. How about we marinate them and then suvi? Can we do that? Can we put some teriyaki in the bag and then throw them in the boiling water? I don't like the idea of one of these housewives slathered in teriyaki sauce. It's just a little too much. Like, I'm just imagining the twins from New Jersey, like two pieces of beef jerky in teriyaki sauce. I think I have Haley advice and then she put me in a ziplock of teriyaki sauce, whatever. Should I suvi this instant rice? Hashtag injustice. I tried suvi-ing, minute rice for 10 minutes. It didn't work. Hashtag suvi-orman. Suvi, suvi-orman. That's for your responsibility to make sure you're tender. Why are you not tender? This is your responsibility. Are you a real chicken breast or not? The machine has a little, like, old jacket on it. It's all saving up. OK, so who should be suvi-ed? Let's see here. God, I can't think of one of these-- Someone who should be burping, honestly. Boiled? It could really be any of them. I mean, why not-- sometimes when you boil things, when you cook them, you want to kill all the bacteria inside. So I don't know. That would be a good case for Tamara. I feel like Tamara's my answer to all these theoretical questions. It's like, who would you want to cramp us to take? Tamara, who would you want to suvi-ed Tamara? Have a poor laugh. Last dinner with Tamara. It's, like, good things and bad things. Yeah. Have a poor show, because you know what? I can see Porsche getting into a little plastic bag and be like, it's for the health reasons. Well, at least we'd know that she's wrapping her shit up in plastic every once in a while, but trying to take care of our little, tiny, newbie hoe. Yeah. I want suvi-la-la, darling, because la-la is at that ripe age we want to keep her at forever. Put her in the bag, but don't drop her in the boiling water just yet. Just put her on the shelf so she can never expire. And every time I train someone new in the pantry, I can say, look up and be nice to la-la. Don't boil la-la. Don't boil her. Actually, Hanky's the one we should probably see to be, because I bet Hanky tastes delicious. Why don't people eat swan? I don't think-- I don't know. I think there's just too much neck. The neck is never the fun part when you were cooking a bird. That's always the part you have to walk up. That's poppin' shit. That's gonna be Hanky's podcast. Too much neck with Hanky. Hanky Vanderpump, and it's gonna be like a-- Hanky's gonna do an air snap with his neck. And the song can be out on a neck. You guys sure learn to claim past lives? No, don't buy it. OK, still, I'll leave you here later. We haven't talked about that TV movie ever, so I had to mention it. I can't tell if this is you speaking or theoretically Hanky on too much neck podcast. You know I'm gonna run that whole podcast anyway. I'm gonna be like, "I'm Hanky, hello, welcome to my podcast." Topic number one, Shirley MacLaine, Quack Quack. Is she-- I give her two quacks, one for Beacon Quack and one for being a bitch. Quack Quack. Shirley MacLaine out on a limb. Hate it, it doubles, double quack. Postcards on it from the edge. How about return to sender? Quack Quack. Swans on film. I know. We've turned him into a dandy. He has little glasses and a beret. Too much neck. Just quacks at the snap quack. That's the sound of his, like, wing snapping. On today's show, we'll be sitting at the edge of the pool, looking at a statue that looks just like a mere master. Hopefully they'll be coming up soon. Oh, it's just rosio with some petits. Give him shirt on, Swan, darling. All they're doing is gossiping anyway, darling. I like to think of Hanky in the pool with his little Yeti microphone. [LAUGHS] Corey's podcast, talking shit about the black swans. I just got a new microphone. I can't explain why this podcast still sounds like shit, but it does. A little forever. Thank you for listening to episode 397. Dearest, Hanky. Dearest bonus episodes. Yes, like, today we don't have anything planned, so we're going to talk about pressure cookers, herpes, and fake land disease. Thank you for coming. Hanky's like, please donate to my Patreon campaign. I'm trying to save up enough money to get some extra fish in the pond. Thank you. Today we're sharing recipes for pellets. [LAUGHS] Today, my special guest is Mrs. Swan and her offensive portrayal of my people. Swan. You're like a man. You're like a like a man. Uh, I still like the idea of Hanky talking about Shirley MacLean. Like, that's what every episode is. I'm just shading Shirley MacLean. This is a for some TV movie from the '80s. Oh, Shirley. Hopefully in your next life, you can escape the ridicule from that movie. [LAUGHS] Down to Naby, more like uptown shabby when she came on the show. [LAUGHS] Get off my British drama. So how did that end anyway, down to Naby? Are they all dead? I don't know. You know, the last-- from last season, the last like five episodes I was going to watch got recorded out like the DVR or race them. So I'm like still midway through last season. And I'm not sure. I mean, I love down to Naby, but I don't-- I hope it ends where they just go through so much time, because in that show, they go through like decades, but they still all look the same. Yeah. Like, now which is the 1940s, I want them to just end up, I don't know, like in our time, like being-- I'm still mad, man. La la blue two people in one week, darling. The manos on her. What is La la? Anyway. OK. Well, it's going to be 20 hours. We're not even right now. Is there another mailbag? We'll just do the other mailbags on Thursday. So for everyone who wants to hear more mailbags, that's it. But we can play the mailbag theme song one more time as a closing zoo. Please do. [MUSIC PLAYING] This was Crappen's mailbag. [LAUGHS] Tell us. It's more of it. That's the longest like my relationship. Bookings. On one end. On one end. There's a bookings. On the other end of the books is a bookend. [LAUGHS] But the Crappen's mailbag is really more of an opening sound. I feel like when you hear bells, that means, like, we're opening the mailbag. We don't really have a closer. We should just have one of those square mail trucks driving away, like all puttery and slow. It's like [MUSIC PLAYING] Like that. Yeah, so this sounds like with Burt. Burt the mailman in. He's like, your dog's going to be mean to me one day. And I was like, never. He loves you. And then immediately Bueller tried to bite him. [LAUGHS] Sorry, Burt. Speaking about things that go chasing after trucks, let's go after the real housewives of Atlanta. [LAUGHS] It was a nice truck. [LAUGHS] Duke, Duke. So-- It's so sick. Porsche, every guy, the end of every Porsche date ends, like, hope floats with that little girl just sobbing while the truck drives away with a father in it. Oh. I was thinking it just ends, like, the opening credits of what's happening with Porsche running after a pickup truck that she'll never get on to. I think it ends like a back panel. There's always, like, one that's all dried out and no one ain't, and it's covered in green spots, and you just tilt it. [LAUGHS] Oh, so anyway-- The end. --the end. --of us in Atlanta. Porsche becomes the crusty bagel. All right, moving on. I'm like, how dare you talk about my favorite food that way? I will not have Porsche-- I will not contribute to this metaphor, OK? I wanted to contribute in a way that would be meaningful to you, then. She's a bioli at best. So she's a kind of role. I'm an everything. I'm an everything tortilla. OK. So-- Go home first of Atlanta. So this was such a funny episode. Oh my god, I was going watching this. And since this is already five hours long, I won't do the whole previously. But I thought it was so funny that they repeated Kim Tootie saying, where's Kimmy? Who is she? Kimmy's not even on the radar. And I was like, yeah, true words, darling. True words. Yeah. So the episode began with Kenya showing her box house to-- I think to Porsche and to Sheray something like that. Oh, Candy and Shray. Oh, Candy and Shray. That's right. And Shray. I love Shray and Kenya's new just being mean to each other for fun. Yeah, they love it. They're so cute. Shray is like, oh, look at this. Oh, that house is deep down there. That's really in the ditch, girl. This is Six Flags roller coaster deep. Yeah. And Kenya's like, look, we built all this part in just one week, Shray, not four years. I'm like, well, guess what? Have you ever seen a set being built? It takes like one day to put up wood. The key is actually putting everything inside it. OK, good luck with that. You can't just spray paint a piece of foam to look like marble and expect it to keep out rain. All right, Kenya? Yeah. In her theater house? Yeah, exactly. It's literally-- she has set decorations. So, Candy is here for some reason, which-- I just thought it was such a funny invite, because it's Shray and Kenya, who-- like, that's such a weird group. Why were they inviting Candy in the first place? Then Candy shows up all pregnancy, and she's like, don't fall in there. There's a leaf. We're going down here. Yeah, she's like, oh, slippery. This is slippery. So they get down, and Candy has basically what I just said on her face. She's like, why am I here now? Let me have a drive on the road here for this. He was like, well, he never had it. Everybody needs to show Candy that they're saving money, because nobody loves a bargain more than Candy. She's like, Kenya's like, look at this. It was a piece of junk. I got it for $5. And she's expecting a hug from Candy. Candy's like, where's the other house? Aren't there supposed to be two houses? So this one's from Mama Joyce, right? See my other house. They're bigger house, not in the ditch. Did I get to living with time? I know. So basically, it's like this-- the whole point of this, and they're cross-cutting with like Portia, and is it-- I don't forget Shamiya. Shamiya, that's right. So they're all planning a trip to Miami. So Portia and Kenya are planning a trip together to Miami, you know, to make up for the boat trip that went wrong. A.K.A. that was like, you sure you want to get on a boat. Yeah, we're going to make everything up, going on another boat. Great idea, of course. Yeah, if we know anything about history, it never repeats itself. And I'd like to-- It's just glad to go to another place where she can talk about her vagina still working. I'm like, OK, a bikini store. So far, Phaedra's been to a bikini store, a porn store, a dildo store, like a jockstrap store, a stripper store. It's like everywhere she goes, she needs to be able to talk about her tits in some way, or how she's always getting late. Well, Portia's-- she's talking about how strangers that she and Kenya are putting a trip together, because she's like, you know, it's sort of like oil and water, or oil and vinegar. It's like, yeah. She's like, well, it's sort of like a like Italian dressing, you know, like with like a creamy Italian vinaigrette, something like that. Darling, you're like a pre-mixed wishbone, all right, with all of the caps are crossing ingredients intact. They're not even a pre-mixed wishbone. They're one of those packets you pour into like a-- pour into water to make your dressing. They're like one of those packets of dry tuna that you just add water to, and then it turns into tuna fish. Oh, yeah, that's true. [LAUGHS] So then we have this cute scene of 2D getting ready for the trip, and a little Sebastian-- you know how much I love that Sebastian. He's playing with his dinosaurs, and he's like, mom, can you take like the book-- can you take these books so you can read them to me over Skype? That'd be great. She's like, you know that like she is more excited about it than he is. She's like, yes, I get to bring the books. Yes. Thankfully, I'll have something to do. You're not going to replace mommy. You're not going to replace mommy. You're not going to change the set to a candy store when mommy leaves. He's like, no mother. Please take the books and read them to me with emotion over the FaceTime. She's like, I love you. I love you children. [LAUGHS] Don't carpool without me. Don't carpool without me, yeah. I'm having your father carpool. Please FaceTime me so I can make sure that he's not getting too close to other bumpers in line. Everybody hates that. I'm just making her Julie from "Ladies of Women" at this point. I know, and my Porsche voice is basically turning into Audrey from "Little Shop of Horrors." I can't help it. Oh, my Porsche is just Gretchen. Yeah, that's true. But I said this every week now, but I used to have a different Porsche, but not-- That my Porsche is just like this. It doesn't make any sense. I have five crayons, and I will color any coloring book with them, OK? I'll just change the name of the crayon. It's not Sienna. It's orange. So Porsche is excited, by the way, because she's excited for this trip, because it's going to be a good chance to turn up. But I kind of feel bad because I feel like she actually is just looking for turnips. She's like, I just like excited to go to the store and buy some turnips. You know that Porsche would never either turn up. It's like, that came out of the ground. That was grown in poo poo. She's like, why are you cooking that baseball? [LAUGHS] So they go to the airport. So I have to say, why is Candy wearing an umbrella inside? I was wondering the same thing, too. Go into the construction site. Maybe she can't get some umbrella, because you know something's going to fall on her head. I love Candy. She was just trying to marry Poppins it out of there. She's like, see, now, bro, take me out to the sky. Because in the middle of that house, a big wind could come through and take her out. So then it's like in the airport, and they're all meeting at the curb. People are taking pictures from their cars driving by. And I love that little noel she can drive now. She drops off Cynthia, and she's like, good luck. And they're like, why is saying good luck? It's like, good luck, bye. Psh, gone. She knows. She knows it's going to be a disaster. This is so good. She's like, good luck starting fights with people who don't give a shit about you. Have fun. Have fun, Mom. Bye. Bye. Oh, poor Cynthia. She comes out trying to pretend she's knee. She's like, I can't wait to go on this trip and just be peaceful and not start a fight with anybody. Just kidding. It's like getting out of here, not meanie. Don't even try. Bring your swiffer and put yourself to work, OK? Because that's all you're good for around here. Shut up. Fake evil. So let's see. So everyone gets the curb. Is there anything-- was there anything funny about that? I just said that they all said Tammy's husband. You're doing really good at getting through it. Because I'm still on like-- We could help the government. I'm like, oh, shut up, Portia. If we could make up, we could fix the Middle West. No, I think that was Kenya who said that. That's like, if Portia and I could reach across the aisle, then that means good things for our government, whatever. I'm like, oh, I can't imagine what aisle you're reaching across, but it's probably a very dirty, awful aisle. I put Cynthia in Jeep rental. Cynthia, I taped you tight, girl. She's like, Mrs. Swan. Mrs. Swan is just going to come up a million times today, because that's how we roll. That's so funny that we have to, Mrs. Swan. I think what Cynthia is doing, because you know I love to look at the rings around an neck, like a tree ring, and count them. And Cynthia never has them. So I have to look at her facial surgery and see where her hairline is and stuff, but she wears like pieces. So I can't doubt. So I think what she's doing is she's using that eye tape that drag queens use under their wigs to pull their eyes back just with tape. Yeah, her eyes were looking a little like pulled back. You look like-- You noticed that. And the interviews. She looks like a mix between someone pushing all their facial skin forward to make an arm-tobic joke. My momma's job it. My dad's jobby. But instead of wrinkles, it's just smooth skin. And then the eyes are pulled back like Mrs. Swan. It's weird. It's like fattest and racist at the same time. Yeah. Well, she still looks beautiful and more beautiful than anyone else on this cast. So you keep on tucking your eyes back. Whatever. Keep that tape coming. Keep that double-sided tape coming. So I put groovy, organ, plain music. Yeah, I just think of flying on this show. And then Sam is already FaceTime and the damn kids. Portrait does her make up the whole time. Miami, they start talking about pecking order in this rental. Well, I was actually surprised because-- I mean, this is the first time we've ever seen it in any real house I've showed, where they actually discussed in a mature way who should get what room. And they're all like, yeah, let's give it to Candy. I was like, oh, so we're not going to be treated to the typical traditional scene of women sprinting around the house and going, mine, mine, mine. No, it's like even on a different show and a different city, Ramona is still in the master bedroom boxing crossboys around. Sorry, this is the one I chose. Sorry. Sorry, this is my trip. OK. OK. I love this room. It reminds me of Sunshine. Pronto Lake. Pronto Lake is called Spanish, OK? So they show up at the mansion. And Shamia is already there. Kenya-- I mean, Kenya hates this girl. And she is talking about how Shamia has already picked out a room. And I love how she called her shimmy shimmy crook up up. I was like, nothing like a good nelly reference to take someone down a peg. Kenya is talking only in drag queen lines this season. She's saying things like, yes, girl. Yes. I know, I was thinking that too. And then in this one, she's like, you is not smart. You is not kind. And you is not important. Is that precious? No, that's from the help. Oh, the help. Because she said, if I just finished a sentence, I'd know. It says, you is the help. And I'm like, damn, Kenya, are you a drag queen now? It's like all color purple lines, which by the way, you're talking to it. Everyone's like, you hypocrite. Yes, that's how I know it, darling. Well, then I liked when Shamia picks out of her bedroom that Kenya is like, oh, it's the thought quarters. It's like, oh, wow. Yeah, I mean, it's nothing to say. I mean, it's like, she already made the joke. I'm just saying that I appreciated the joke. I can't joke on the joke. And what Cynthia thought about this whole room thing was cracking me up, because Cynthia is like, excuse me. Shamia gets to pick her own room. I'm like, no, girl, this is your first trip. This is level one in housewives. First, you have to be friends with someone you hate and just kiss their ass. And then you have to turn on them in a magazine. And then you have to get married to someone you don't love, so you'll have a husband. And then it's like, let's please not go through your whole history. OK, you earned the couch. Get on it, Cynthia. I love that Kim decided to sleep in the living room. [LAUGHS] I love that. And I love that then they put up a chiron that said Kim's couch instead of everyone else had Kenya's room and Shamia's room and Kim's couch. And thank you. She's just so excited to have a couch without shit all over it, you know, like baby poop and stains. She's like, I just love this couch. I love that I love sleeping in the living room, because people can just come walk in here, you know, and then I can have a bunch of people in here. And I'll feel like a carpool, like a stationary carpool. Finally, there's a TV without SpongeBob on it. Wait, is there SpongeBob here? Is there a satellite here? I'm using SpongeBob in here. Where's my Raffy CD? Oh my god. Luck 2D in the servants quarters just surrounded by dildos and just don't let her out until she figures out what to do. I know. So, meanwhile upstairs, Kenya starts stirring the pot with Shire and Tammy's. Kenya's talking to Shire. And, you know, of course, she's saying things like, you know, it's funny because Tammy was saying all this stuff about you and the car, and, you know, of course, they rehash how Tammy says, like-- You know, I guarantee the only reason why Shire and Bob would feel I ever got together, because he played football. She sounds like a Hanna-Barbara cartoon, first of all. But second of all, it was just, you know, so then Shire is like, whoa. Like, how can we say that? Why don't you say that about me? Why don't you say that about me? I don't have anything bad to say about her. If any, what should be me? It should be me. Oh, whoa. She's so mad at me. [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH] No, she taught us so fast. I love when Shire gets mad at just a speed talk. I know. It's so funny. What should I look at with me? What should I look at with me? You pretty much don't get the-- like, if she has a 10 word sentence, you don't get words three through eight, but you will maybe get word four. What should be me? What should be me? What should be me? So Shire-- She is-- Sorry, she-- No, go ahead, go ahead. No, I realize I already made that joke, like, two weeks. Like, that Shire sounds like she's being scrubbed forward. And I have a good sex. She does. She sounds like window cleaning. But then stops. Like a Windex. A Windex on a mirror. [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH] But I love when she gets-- I love when she gets over her head. And she's like, well, no, I don't have a slumber of a lot of y'all. Her vomit talk. I can't do it. Like, I literally can't do it. [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH] Or when she's trying to pretend that she's really nice coming into the group, she goes, [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH] [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH] I can't do it. I have to practice that one, because I'm just sounding like a crazy person. We just have to do it as it comes, because they'll sound hilarious. [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH] It's like when you hear a bunch of people speaking a different language, and you don't know the words, but you can tell what they're saying, because of the tone of their voice. Yeah, she speaks in sim glish. You know what the sims the way they talk? That's how she talks. She sounds like someone's hiding behind a really thick wall yelling at somebody else, like you're trying to pick up a pipe. [LAUGHTER] Yeah, you're like there with a plastic cup. So yeah, Kim runs and steals the living room, which is so fucking ridiculous, and it made me really feel bad for her. But I'd like that Kim is the one who's acting like, I'm so nice, and I don't understand this. And people are so immature. But she's actually one of the most judgmental ones. And she gets cranky real quickly. She's walking through the house, and she's mad that Shumia has picked her room. Like, Kim was going to go for the-- Kim would have slept on the laundry machine if they let her on the washing machine. But she's like looking around, and she goes, well, I guess-- she said something about Shumia, and she's like, well, I guess Shumia didn't put the living room on to her, because she's just busy running around being naked. Yeah. Oh, no. You take a young person, Kim. Come on, back to it, Kim. You do it, Kim. You do it, Kim. So anyway, so Ken, Kenya's-- Yeah, I'm old and pondal, right? You're too young for that. So while Kim is building a door for her living room, Ken is upstairs winding up Shirei. And I did enjoy that when she told Shirei not to pull Cynthia, and then she goes, don't do it. I'm 50, 50 years old. I was like, you know, I respect Kenya for making a Mollishan in reference. I like that. I don't, because she's repeating anything. Any drag queen is ever told. It's just Brandon. She's just repeating things that her gay friend. Yeah, but you know what, though? If it comes from Mollishan, and if it's derived from Mollishan, and I am a-okay with that, she's one of my favorite SNL people of all time. 50 is out. Kim is just ridiculous. Mollish doesn't start by for stupid reasons. And I don't like that. Look, that's why I didn't like Brandy. I didn't mind that Brandy was bitchy, or mean, or vindictive, or whatever, any of that stuff. I didn't like that she was just making shit up. Like, your lives suck enough. No, I'm in Kenya. It's fucking sucky life. You don't have to be making shit up all the time, Kenya. Well, you know, I think Kim had a very salient observation later at dinner, and speaking of which, they go to dinner at Barton G in Miami, which is like a crazy ridiculous restaurant. There's one of those, there's one of them in LA here, and the LA Times just tore it apart. It was the LA Times, I think it was the LA Times, maybe LA Weekly, tore it apart. But that's beside the point. So they are, so they're all at dinner. They're sitting around a table that looks like they're like a wedding party. You know, because it's shot and it has to be shaped in a way that the cameras can shoot them all. So they're sitting in this very strange horseshoe configuration almost. Like they're getting married at medieval times. Yeah, exactly. So they're getting all these crazy plates being put in front of them and they all have like wood stumps and that their food is on. And then Kim feels, decides to make an announcement. She's like, everyone, I just, if you guys like, she's like, just want everyone to know that, you know, it's been three hours and I've never spent this much time away from my family. I don't know if I'll be able to make it much longer, but I just want to pat myself on the back because I'm doing it. I'm putting up the good fight. You know, it's like, congratulations, Kim. I would like to announce that I am chewing up food and I do not plan to put chewed up food in a baby's mouth. I will actually swallow to say chewed up food. Can I get a round of some juice to toast with? She's like, if you guys wouldn't mind, could we all just like get into a car and drive someplace just so I can feel like we're in a carpool? It's been too long, too long. I would like to announce that I am willing to go to the bathroom with anybody here and clean the mess on their butt. It would make me feel great and it would be like a mess hug. Thanks. If anyone would like, you know, a little wipe down on their hands 'cause if you got some drove on them, I am here. I have tissues and I have the sanitary things. It's totally, it's fine. Purell, I got purell. Did you guys see these specials? Once upon a time, there was to start reading them the night time, but for a kid. She's like, okay guys, we have a great night. I planned out tonight. We can watch either the Little Mermaid III or the rescuers part four or Aladdin part two, anything directed to be directed to be directed to me. Little Mermaid VII does not get enough credit, okay? Like I was thinking, just everything directed to DVD, to Disney, I'm like, I'm ready. Some things are too brilliant for the theater, okay? I like that they took poor Kim who hasn't been out of the house. Like, I don't know, since that last sitcom and didn't she had to go to work somewhere. But it's like, she's leaving the house and they take out of this restaurant where it's all future food. It's like a foodie art place where, what do they call that? It's so dumb. But it's like frozen, frozen snappy, but it's really a piece of chocolate cake. - Oh, that's a gasho. - It's like molecular gashronomy. - Yeah, so it's that. So everything's smoking and looks crazy and the chicken comes on chicken sticks in the, I don't know, it's just all foaming and house fog coming off of it. It's like, you guys, Kim has not seen restaurant food in years. You can't just make her think, "Oh, well, it's changed." She's like, "I don't even know how to eat this food." "Well, I must want to go home." She's like, "I need my juice boxes." Is Sarah number two with super-sized fries anywhere here? Why is it smoking? I need a fruit roll up and then candy. So all this drama starts going on at this wedding table at medieval times with smoking food and chicken on a stick. And then candy's sitting right in the middle of this and I guess she's marrying a chicken because she's got a big woodblock in front of her, like a giant kitchen woodblock for bread or whatever, with a gigantic chicken on it. And it's just her eating the whole chicken herself while she watches everybody else fight, die. Nobody has anything in front of them except candy has a huge chicken by herself. - Well, she's pregnant now. So she's like, I think she even said at one point, she's like, "Don't make me wait for to eat." Like, one for eating, for eating. So Tammy starts talking about her man and she's like talking about her husband. And I love this one, Shiree. She comes in with her shade. She's like, "I'm glad Tammy has a picture perfect marriage. "She must have used my husband as practice." Which of course, the way she says, like, "I'm going to tell me how to perform. "It's supposed to use my husband's practice." Well, I'm glad she has to perform that. Use my husband's back. - Wait, slow that down now. - Come on, let's break him. (laughing) Give him a boost, break him. (mumbling) - I just wrote really big Shiree attacks. - Yeah, I love a Shiree attack. - It looks like Shiree is like, "What's Tammy?" Well, candy finishes that gizzard. I wanted to ask you, "Do you step with a bow? "Do you step with a bow? "Do you step with a bow? "Do you step with a bow? "Do you step with a bow? "Are you saying the Super Bowl? "Are you saying something about the Super Bowl? "Do you step with a bow? "And Tammy, who's seriously sitting there "in a red towel with a brooch on it, "Tammy is hilarious and she needs to be on "every housewife shows per hour. "I don't even know what she's doing. "It's so funny. "She's wearing a towel with a brooch "and Phaedra when she was getting dressed." I was like, "Girl, what?" She's like, "What you tell? "What you tell? "What you tell?" - I haven't seen you. - I've been seen you. - Like that, since baby Jesus was born and they came outside the main chair. - Oh, Phaedra. Anyway, so she starts going after Tammy and Tammy uses her Vanderpump Rules Law School argument. "Seriously? "What? "Are you kidding right now? "What? "Are you kidding? "Are you serious? "Are you serious right now? "Seriously?" I was just being a defensive friend. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. So she starts saying, "No, I never slept with him." And Shirei is not a good liar. Shirei is very good at telling her truth, even if it's crazy, in a very high-pitched, unintelligible voice. But she's not really a liar, I don't think. Shirei is more a truthful person. So when she says, "Now, Tammy, I asked Bob, "and he had all his names." And he said, "With everybody who came at our house, "and he mentioned you." But when she said he mentioned you, I was like, "No, he didn't. "You could just tell she's lying." She looked off into a different direction. Her eye twitched, her fingers shook. I was like, "You are the worst liar I've ever seen in my life." And also, Bob slept with everybody who came into her house. I hope you never had that shit painted. - Yeah. - You're like, "Someone come over to fix the sink." 'Cause that Bob's laughing of all kinds of workmen. - Yeah, well, Tammy was like, "Ew." - No, Bob's like not even my type. Like, "Oh, oh, oh." - Yeah, and that I bring my lips to her. Because that was hilarious. She's like, "Bob, I've never been attracted to Bob. "He's bigger than Hagrid, he's cross-eyed, "and he's got the intelligence of Mike Tyson "with the hammer to the head. "Like, why? "Why would you think that?" - I did, Bob. Bob, hold it. He's small. He's handsome. He's a big man. He's beautiful. - So then it became, then it, who told, who said something that can't, somebody got mad at Kenya, well, because Tootie goes, 'cause it was all getting like very ridiculous. - This is when Porsche goes, (sings) - Who told you that? - And she's like, "Oh, yeah." - Kenya. - Sure it goes. Kenya. And then Kenya starts laughing her evil drag queen laugh, and then it starts with Tootie getting all mortified. - Oh, we grown as women talking like this. - And everyone's like, "Shut up." - Yeah, I mean, she's gonna be just right. - I'm gonna talk to yourself. - Tootie's right. So then Tootie says the table, in a very passive aggressive, but totally correct way. She goes, "Food for thought." Sometimes it doesn't feel like there's a big difference between information and instigation. It's like, "Damn, Tootie." Just right. So everyone was like, "Ooh, that's a feel, that's a feel." - I like Kenya's response. She's like, "Really, Tootie? "You don't want to mess with Kenya, okay?" And if you need to know the difference between information and instigation, I'll get you a dictionary. I'm like, "Ooh, I like it." - I'm like, "Ooh, Tootie, versus Kenya fight." - And then Kim just gave Kenya such a think guy, "Wow." Tootie does not like Kenya, and they've been planting that seed the past several episodes, but Tootie has no respect for Kenya. And she was right. I mean, Kenya is a total instigator, and she knows that's her role. I mean, she's obnoxious about it. But then, Kenya's always like, "I was just saying what I heard. "This is just what people told me. "I'm just passing it along." In case that they have an issue with each other, and we have to hang out, this way they can get it out in the open. - Well, since Kim's only identity now is as a mom, her reaction, of course, is to be a mom and be like, young lady, there's no difference between insta and-- - Well, that's good. - Well, infa or whatever. - But you cannot try and be a mother to Kenya. That's like the biggest mommy issue of any kind of mother. - Even if Kenya's mother didn't want to be a mother to Kenya. - Well, that's the thing. And it's not even to be mean about it, but she's got mommy issues. Like the last thing you want to do is try and get all mommy with Kenya because she'll lose it on your ass. - But she's the one person who needs to be real for once. - But she needs to have someone be a mommy to her because she does not know what's up a lot. She'll be like, "Pila, do I look like I'm doing nothing?" - Okay, I do. Good answer, Pila. Just a fucking minute. So anyway, I'm silently darling, like the rest of us. - So now it's time to go on to day two of the Miami adventure, which is it starts off with Kim in a chair, having a gospel moment. She's like, "I'm nothing happy." She's just having a gospel moment. - She's got a Walkman on like the old tape kind. With an old Jesus tape in there. And she's like, "I'm with Jesus." I'm like, "Girl, you in Miami, you're probably sitting on a cum stain right now, shut up." (laughs) - And so then around this time, this is when Phaedra, this is when Phaedra made our predictions from last week come true, which is last week, we compared everyone from the show to Wizard of Oz, what characters they'd be in the Wizard of Oz. And sure enough, Phaedra, she goes and starts, she calls Kenya the Wicked Witch. She's like, "Well, yeah, she's black." - She's not Glenda. She's the mean, mean, bitch or whatever. And I thought it was funny that she couldn't quite place Kenya either, because we couldn't either. I was like, "Well, she's not the nice witch." And she's not really the mean witch either. I'm not really sure what she is, but she is gonna be crushed under the weight of a house that she can't afford. - So I guess that makes her the green one. - And we won, it's like we won a psychic Real Housewives of Atlanta competition, Ben. - Yes, we certainly did. - We certainly did. We win exactly what Porsche won in her divorce. - Nothing. - Nothing. - What a fitting prize. - Yeah. - What did Dorothy get sent back to fucking Kansas? - Wow, what a winner. - So it wouldn't be a Housewives of Atlanta trip without the traditional going to the beach or pool montage fashion show of crazy bikinis and bikini cover or all, whatever you call those things that you wear over. - Patre's ass hanging out of a hefty bag that a cat has taken its claws to. And then what was Porsche wearing? - The same thing. - They were actually wearing almost the exact same slutty outfit. It was like, there was like maybe a slight difference in the silhouette, but it was like they both were wearing the same salmon colored, shredded, whatever, I forget what you call those things that go over bathing suit, but. - It's like a Ziploc bag from 365. You can put whatever you want in it, but it's not going to keep anything in there. That shit doesn't close. - It looked like a tangled slinky. That's what it looked like. I used to have a salmon colored slinky growing up, and that's what it looked like they were wearing. - Oh, I don't know why I'm thinking of this. I don't even have her written down, but I love when they were eating dinner and Kenya got so mad at Judy and she's, and Fader goes, oh, you better watch out, Judy. You don't want to go against, you don't want to go against Kenya. You better get those roller skates ready. I'm like, what kind of fights does Fader have that roller skates come into it? Like, what is she going to beat Kenya with some skates? - I like to imagine it happening in that Andrew Lloyd Webber musical. - What was it called? - Starlaut Express. - Starlaut Express. - What you do is going around in a circle and Kenya's in the middle shooting lightning out of her hands and Judy's dodging it. (laughs) They're like, sorry, the Skate Grizabella has fallen down and we replaced her with Kenya. Skate, that was the best. - She's like, the caboose was so mean to you when you weren't here, front of train. I don't even understand it 'cause I never saw the show. - 'Cause you don't let, well, Grizabella is from Cats, but I just remember Starlaut Express. They're all on roller skates and they're playing trains. They're all a different train car. - Oh, they are? - This can't work. - Yeah, they're all trains, it's about trains. - I had no idea. (laughs) - I was just people on-- - People came out with cars later and I was like, oh, really? Carlaut Express, fuck off Disney. - I had no idea that they were all trains. I thought they were just people that went around and roller skates in circles. - No, they're trains. There's like a caboose. - Oh my God, that's so ridiculous. - That's the wrong thing, like the Grizabella train car because Grizabella is the old one on the tire singing "Memory." - She dies and goes off to Cat Heaven, right? (laughs) - Someone oil-chained the Grizabella caboose. - What was the name of the cat Mr., what's his face, Mr. Miss Ocelos? (laughs) - Magical Maestar Maestar, Feliz. (humming) - Oh, no, I never had ever seen a cat so clever. - His magical Mr. Maestar, Feliz. No, I haven't. Thanks for asking, kids. (laughs) - So, speaking of cats, I mean, the one thing that was more festive than a good old production of cats, which someone told me is coming back, is a dance party on a yacht. So, the girls, they get onto a yacht. This is the day how the day begins. Again, the yacht and they all just start dancing and it's montage, like dance party. And you see Kim, she is overwhelmed. And every time they cut to Kim, everyone's like, "Yeah, like turn up, turn up." And because to Kim, she's like, "Watch your step." It's slippery. Look out, there's a step there. - Sit down and above, put on your life jacket. What are you doing? I can't take it. Anyone want a Capri Sun? Capri Sun, anyone? - They stop at this bar in Miami and this cast fucking hilarious. Porsche just walks up to the biggest person there, the biggest hot guy. And he's like, "Oh, yeah, you from Atlanta too?" And she's like, "Yeah, Poppy, I'm from Atlanta." - "Yeah, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on." (laughing) - By the way, I was saying that to my-- - I fucked up my burrito, Poppy. - I'm like, "Oh my God, please stop trying "to speak the language. "Just be quiet, just be quiet, squeak." - Yeah. And then meanwhile, they're all ordering drinks. And Kim's like, "I'll have a cranberry juice." She's like, "It's not 'cause I don't, "it's not that I don't drink. "I just want a cranberry juice." - Oh, Kim. (laughing) - Those things are not detoxifying if you're washing down like graham crackers and like cheese, what are those rat cheese sticks? Are they autorella sticks or whatever? - Yeah, yeah, string cheese. - It's not gonna detoxify goldfish crackers, Kim. Just have a vodka. - So Kim is like, she starts to lose it. She starts to cry. And she doesn't understand all this dancing. Like, why do you just dance without your husband? I don't understand it, poor girl. It's like as if like, you know, six people tried to get in the carpool, but the car only accommodates five. It's like, that's beyond regulation. You can't do that. Too many people in the carpool. I don't get this. I don't understand the world. We're people just dance to dance. What do they do? They're just dancing, just to dance. - It's like, why else do you dance? - That's him. - You literally said that. Like, they're not trying to burn calories. Warner Brothers ain't making them lose weight to like, fit in the same roller shoot. - She's like, what are they doing? Why would you do this to yourself? - Where are the chaperones? How could you dance without chaperones? - Her husband must feel like the limpest penis in town right now. Did you know everywhere that poor man goes, people are like, so you never fuck your husband? I mean, you never fuck your wife. Not even once. She's acting like she's never seen it, heard it. You've never seen her boobs. You guys have never danced. Really? Never danced. - I know. - How would people dance? Just to dance? - Kim is like every crazy quote unquote old person in a video from the 80s. You know when there's like a video from the 80s and like a party breaks out and old people come by and they like shake their, they wag their finger, like stop that right now. That's what Kim is. Like, oh my God, there's a party. The kids are partying in the high school. Oh my God. - It's like the opposite of girls want to have fun. - Yeah. - It's like the opposite video of that. It's like Cindy Loper, instead of dancing around and singing, she's just like sitting there and looking at people and just shaking her finger out her window. Like you kids on your hoverboards and you're holding your drinks for no reason. Where are they pink? Why? - Girls just want to have carpool. Girls, they want to have carpool, carpool. - That's all they really want. - Ah! (laughing) Ah! - What in the world has they got the old girls that want to have carpool? - Wait, wait. Crosswalk. (laughing) Carpool after carpool. (laughing) If you walk and you are, and you are driving, carpool after carpool. - On Hanky's podcast, we're talking to Kim Fields. (laughing) And not understanding why people would dance just to dance. Kim, what say you? - I'm not like this, I can't take it. - Oh, shut up, you basic bitch. - Wait, wait, I can't. Why, I don't even know what you're saying. I'm looking, are you fighting with me? - Oh, Lord, oh, Lord. Get me another guest and a pumptini. Gosh, get off my kank cat podcast. Oh, hankie podcast I meant to say, not hank cat podcast. 'Cause it's 'cause Andrew Lord Webber's remaking hankie cats. - Yeah, I know. I got marbles in my mouth today, people, I'm sorry. So messing up my hankie cat. - It was all up there and just crying and crying and I was dying laughing. And of course, I mean, Phaedra of all people is the one to help her and she helps Phaedra helps by bringing up her own pain. She's like, well, my husband's in jail and I understand what it feels like to be lonely and alone while your husband's possibly getting gangbanged by, you know, gang members. So I feel you and I thought Kim was gonna be like, this bitch is trying to make it about herself, but instead she's like, she talked about missing her husband too. That's putting your grown up on right there. I'm like, hold up, I felt faking it. She had her husband sent someplace a purpose. You didn't, not the same thing. Watch a couple seasons, Kim. - I thought it was actually nice that Portia, not Portia, that Phaedra helped out Kim, that she saw that Kim was like going through it and Phaedra's like, no Kim, Kim, why are you crying? - And Kim, I thought it was nice. - You'll need to sue somebody. And I need you to have this card made out of crushed diet, Coke cans and fake diamonds in your purse. (laughing) - DDS, MD, lawyer, dead person take care of, thank you. - Well, while they were downstairs having a moment upstairs, the girls went up to like eat dinner or lunch. They're just ate food at this bar upstairs and Portia brought her new man, Oliver, whatever his name was, and they're all hanging around. Kenya is already starting a hate campaign against Judy. She remembers from last night and so she keeps on. I don't remember what she said. I just wrote down a note, Kenya is coming for Kim. - Like, Judy, the bus boy came by and called you thirsty. She's like, what, why would he do that? Well, he's trying to give water to you. It's like, Kenya, stop making everything into a big drama. - Yeah, don't betch. - So Tammy disappears, they're like, where's Tammy? She always disappears, so she comes back. It looks like with a young male lover, but it's actually her nephew, Glyn, and her other nephew, Jaren. And these guys are, they might cause trouble. This is what, this is the preview, seem to indicate that. So they come by-- These guys are like, two little dog poops on a lawn. Those flies immediately just jumped on it. Like it was the golden kraut. I was like, Kenya and Porsche, both of you back down. Oh my God. - Yeah, Kenya was after, I think it was Jaren. Jaren is the tall guy who plays, he's like a semi-professional, like he played on, I think the Wizards last year and then this series on the training camp or something like that. Those girls are so needy. I wanna buy them a meal instead of giving them a dollar, just so I make sure they don't drink it. Right, so they're there. And then finally, Phaedra and Judy come back. And here's another example of Judy getting cranky real quickly, they're like, she's like, they didn't even save a chair for us. I mean, how do they not even save a chair for us? I can't believe this, like, well, because you were gone for an hour crying in your codependent relationship. So I think it's okay, Judy, you know, and just pull up two more chairs and get over it. - They actually set up a couple of high chairs with like iPhone stands on them over in the corner, so you can just read shit to your kids all day. Get over there, get out of here. She's going around from table to table with like a children's book. - Anyone wanna be read to anyone? (laughs) - Anybody need their belly rubbed while they try and go to sleep? I'm here, I'm here. But Kim normally gets mad at yelling. Well, anything these women do. Yelling or anything sexual or boobs. - Yeah. - She can't take any of it. And I love every part of it. I wonder if she would like breastfeed her kid and pull the blanket up over his head so he couldn't see what he was doing. So he didn't have to look up and see the disappointment in her face. - Yeah. - Boob, lava. - Bib. So then afterwards, they all start heading back to wherever they're staying and they all get on the boat. And Porsche's like, "Hey, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, "that's played never have I ever." And I'm like, "This is a terrible idea. "First of all, you're gonna do it in front of 2D "and she will be mortified and horrified." - She's that kind of all, you think that's a legitimate sentence and you don't even know what's the game yet, Porsche. (laughing) - To be like, "Never have I ever done four carpools "in one day." And then she like takes a swig of apple juice. But everyone's like, "Huh? "Never have I ever signed my son who's, "never have I ever signed up my son for tap class "against his will just because I wanted "another carpool drink." - "Never have I ever told Sebastian "He was only to get two dinosaurs for his birthday "and then got him a third one. "Swig of cranberry juice." - With big wireless providers, what you see is never what you get. Somewhere between the store and your first month's bill, the price you thought you were paying magically skyrockets with Mint Mobile, you'll never have to worry about gotchas ever again. I mean, how many times have you felt like, "Oh, this has been such a great deal." And then at the end of the first month, you're like, "What just happened?" - Yeah, you look at the charges. It's like I agreed to a certain amount and then you look at that bill and it is nowhere near the number that you agree to, but then there's like 90 million charges on top of what you agreed to. They were just secret, sorry, but not with Mint. 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Their lab-grown diamonds are independently graded and guaranteed identical to natural diamonds and ready to ship to your door. Get $50 off your purchase of $500 or more with code audio@bluenile.com. That's bluenile.com code audio for $50 off. - I think we lost Ronnie. - Ronnie, too many. Did you take a shot of cranberry juice also? - Darling, took a hit of butterscotch trophy vape crap. I took a hit of not cigarette, darling. God, I mean, I just might as well kill myself with a cigarette. These things are ridiculous. It's like, I'm smoking in the Starlight Express fog machine juice, darling. (laughing) Basically inhaling a bad production of a caboose singing memory to a charcoal burner car, whatever. - Well, either way. Porsche wants to play "Never Have I Ever." And I forget which other women said it, but not a good idea. Not a good idea if you have a guy that you basically wanna bone. Like not a good idea to start talking about all the ways you've been freaky with other guys. Like just unless that's gonna turn them on, but not a smart idea. - And it's not like you have to tell this guy you're a ho. I mean, it's you. You're bringing them all back to the house while you're giving them a lap dance. You don't need to be so subtle. Like if you really wanna surprise the guys, start asking real questions. Like, "Never Have I Ever?" Math, science, you know, history. She wouldn't be able to drink to that though. She wouldn't be able to drink to that. You're only drinking. - I just wanted to show off my underarm and now I never will. - So then Kenya, like they were all sort of joking or whatever, and Kenya says to Jarron, she's like, she's like, "Snaps." She's like, "Hey, what's your name? "What's your name again?" And he's like, "Damn, I know you're not trying. "I know you're not snapping in my face." And she's like, "I was just trying to get your attention." And he's like, "Oh, I know you ain't snapping at me." I was like, "Well, you better get, "well, you gotta find a better way." I was like, "Damn." And now, here's the thing, he's not wrong. He definitely is not wrong, but he's also definitely not being very gentlemanly, I guess you could say. - Well, he's like a dog whisperer, you know, he's like the bitch whisperer. But the dog whisperer doesn't just go to like, killer pit bulls and try and fix them. He starts at the poodle. I'm like, "You don't wanna try and tame Kenya, okay? "We don't even know what she's doing. "She's never even had a real storyline on the show. "She only says drag queen lines. "The woman is horrifying, just let her be. "Let us snap." - Yeah, well, exactly. Well, I mean, he's right. Like, she does have to find a better way. She is being rude, but also, you know, she's kind of like, you're not the star here. She is, so you better, you know, if you're here, you wanna be on a TV show, you better play by the rules. Although, maybe he kind of is actually with the show. - Super cocky and arrogant this guy. - It was actually like very, I actually thought it was, it like, it actually rubbed me a very wrong way. - 'Cause it was really gross. - It was really rude. - It was really brutal. - Yeah, well, I also was like, "Is that how you talk to women for crying?" - Well, obviously, Kenya, he's probably not sure. But you shouldn't talk to drag queens like that either because you know what? We all deserve respect for our choices. - Yeah, she may be rude, but that's not how you handle it. And I was like, wow. - Especially when she can embarrass you at drag queen bingo night, you know you're gonna have to be at Hamburger Mary's one of these days, supporting some stupid charity. You don't need that bitch with a microphone giving you hell all night. Trust me, it's not fun. - And then suddenly the episode just ended. Like, they said that there was gonna be, we're gonna see this fight and the police, nope, it just ended and we didn't even get a next time on the Real Housewives, it just ended. - Oh, yes, we did. You downloaded from the wrong company or whatever because on mine, they show next week because I was actually, of course the guys are total pig, but I was like, oh my God, someone told Kenya to shut up. I love it and she actually did it. But then next week he comes back to the house and he's like really abusive and they have to call the police and get it kicked out because it looks like he's coming after Kenya. She's like, you need to leave now. - You know, Kenya yells every-- - To be fair, she says that's a squirrel. She's like, I'm gonna call the cops now. But no, I maybe recorded like a later show of Real Housewives instead of the original airing, but it didn't give me anything. It just ended and did like the Made in Georgia thing and then it was like, watch what happens or whatever. - No, next week the guy tries to beat Kenya up or something and then Portia later is like-- - But he was only me 'cause Kenya made him leave. Why'd they make him leave? - Like 'cause he tried to punch a woman in the face. - Well at least he didn't lock around, change the locks. - Yeah, like oh Portia, please stop being so needy, Donnie. You're like a salvation, you're like a slutty version of a Salvation Army Santa Claus out there with his bell. It's like shut your bell up and people might come closer to you, Donnie. - Well, I'm excited to see this big fight because they really, they sort of teased it already last week so it was really annoying that they did not show it again this week. I was like winning for it. I was like, ha, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, way, way he go. - Do you know I was saying that to myself like all week long 'cause you said that last week, you came up with, like you didn't come up but you were like, you said it, like you noticed it last week and so all week long I got the gym to myself, I grew up going, ha, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. - Well me and Kimberly, when we were hanging out, we were talking about that and so now that's how we do it. - Ha, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. - Maybe that'll be my way into Portia impersonation. - Ha, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, what are you saying? - Yeah, there we go. - That's my Portia? - No. (laughing) - You talking about that? (mumbling) - Oh, how small is it, Elena? - Good episode. - Good episode. - Goodbye. - Good episode. - Next time I watch a show, it will be in Texas, hopefully with my mother drinking while playing a really long game of Canasta, so I can record her calling everybody a stupid whore. I'm gonna try and get her to watch every Bravo show while she's playing Canasta behind me with my dad and just leave a hidden microphone there for her to just bitch at it, 'cause-- - I think you should-- - That's hilarious. - I think you absolutely should. - It might be a Christmas miracle? - Miracle? - All right, time to move on. - You're good now? - Time to move on. - It's a target. - So, Ronnie, this is a big week. A big week in pop culture. You know why? - Mary's water's about to break, and they're gonna have to find a room to stay on the damn donkey. (laughing) - I don't even know what that means. - Is that a darlings? - Oh, darling, surely they have Christian plays at cinecogs. - I mean, who spends Christmas? - Oh. - Is that the Christmas miracle, darling? - I thought it was a call back down to Abbie again. You're like, "Mary's water's about to break." I was like, "Oh, dear." Someone gets there in his leg. - Hello, little baby Jesus. We brought three donkeys wearing Mer. - All right, Kristen, Kristen, Katie, and Lala. - Lala, Lala. No, the reason why it's a big week is pop culture, and actually, literally my neighborhood, has been taken over by a blockbuster experience. All right, oh my god. - Oh, shoot, oh my god. - And I think we all know what it is. - Howard the Duck. - Howard the Duck. (dramatic music) - It is actually our favorite movie of all time. (dramatic music) Ser Wars, no wars, no wars, no wars, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Chris and Chris Chris and Chris Chris and Chris Chris and Chris Chris and Chris Chris and Then all the words scrolling up at the beginning Make that smell right can't read them. Seriously. Why is it going so fast? Like just text us this information We're having a meeting. I've brought Eric in to teach you how to read the beginning of the credits All right, here's what we do no more vertical credits We're just gonna push the credits away from you away So credits big enough to be on pandy's lap so she doesn't feel fat in the scene Resize the credits resize A long time ago in a restaurant far far away It's van de pump rules. So we were thinking What if the cast of van de pump rules was in their own blockbuster movie called sir wars sir wars the horse awakens It's so hard being a bet alone Up and really working on me That's what happens when the horse awakens the horse works on itself May the horse be with you tom it's me the horses with you oh sir it starts in a dusty place somewhere in the middle east We're at least a shopping for giant pots and trying to find a way to get them back to planet Tattooine Planet tattooing planet sir ween no doesn't make sense. Look at the bar with all these rubber people I'm opening one of these I think that sir is actually the death star the death sir death sir It's a big circle that you go to and you try to infiltrate Well, sir bad things on the death star, but I think it's a section of the death star that is that crazy bar They go into with all that. Yeah, it's the canteen the canteen Is that song oh And then when they make a special about sir be arthur isn't it? Because that actually happened you never did you know that there's a star wars special to be arthur She's like hello yoda. Here's how I make lamb chops Oh, be so I think I think that darth vader is obviously jacks because they both have the same deviated septum Oh Luke I'm going to fuck someone Wait, Luke wait jacks is Luke no no no jacks is darth vader. Oh No Darth Vader is Ken No, I know ken is yoda. It's darling. It's darling. Ken is definitely yoda max I'm your father. Don't So well, I think that um, I have this so here are the ones that I thought of that I think that see three p.o I think it should be shena shea three p.o and then she could be r2d2. So she said her d2 Shea three p.o and she could just be bossing r2d2 around everywhere Notice how round she was so I tried to put him in the bottom of space shop She's like Why don't you talk properly to me? Well, remember the camp to him. I'll have some drinks with some rubber here I can't believe someone took off my legs on the day of my birthday. I can't believe it. I'm like, but I'm being held on jubaka Hello, sir. I would like my teeth right up. I don't know. I just do it. Okay. I'm sad So is lala, is it princess lala Be nice to princess lala well princess lea. Okay. So lea and luke We're like gonna do it But luke is this bisexual pussy who can't like figure himself out because he's feeling things And he's always wearing his pajamas running around from planet to planet planet sobbing while carryfisher has like get taken by job of the hut I mean, I don't want to say pandy, but someone has to and then I mean, I'm just trying to think who's big enough of a pussy to be James And then they turn out to be brother and sister when they almost banged Well, here's the thing. I feel like luke skywalker is definitely tom because they sort of had that same voice Like I can imagine luke skywalker being like christen oh tom number one sandoval tom sanda walker Yeah, i'm making i'm making a Whole meal. It's got organic broccoli organic salt organic lemon christen christen, I didn't sleep with her. I just cut her open so she could shield me from the cold winter Then I feel like christen is definitely jubaka though, right? She's definitely jubaka seriously Seriously And harris and ford is a mixture of eric and peter like the only people who actually work He's like all he's all pissed off at the pussy. He has to train in his pajamas Yeah, exactly. And I mean obviously stasi is the is emperor palpatine right the evil one The one you don't always see you don't always see the emperor, but if you were to encounter him he would shoot you with lightning from his fingers Much like kenya in a starlight express fight If we were to cross uh metaphors, i'm looking at all these star wars pictures of characters I can't believe i've seen all these movies you would never know it who the fuck is bib fortuna And who is admiral acbar and well admiral acbar should probably be um tom shorts because his big his big quote is It's a trap. So that's probably what tom shorts thinks every time he hangs out with katie. He's like wait. It's a trap She wants me to get married I'm not even gonna talk about this until i'm dead letting my perm said I think that um well lisa is obviously obi obi one kenobi obi van der kenobi Wouldn't lisa be yoda see i think ken shouldn't be yoda because yoda has so much like wisdom and knowledge that he's always sharing with people like lisa can doesn't share shit except silent farts and like the Occasional fletch room but job on the carpet so lisa is Yoda but but obi is more with But obi but obi one kenobi is more influential in nix life He's she's like i don't even have to pick up that glass of water look will do it with my mind All right, that bus was getting bringing it over here. She's using the horse Busboy mind control knowledge one minute. It's a pizza station. The next minute. It's a dj stand May the force be with you So if if so if ken Is Is Darth Vader can should be that no he can't be Darth Vader. He's definitely jacks I think it's definitely jacks is Darth Vader. Well, can I think should be this guy the emperor who is always He's like got like an old crinkly face and then he wears a hood all the time over his face So then who is stasi is she Darth maul? Um, it involves anakin skywalker Oh, wait, i'm sorry now i'm reading about star wars who who'd you ask about? Well, if if because I thought stasi was the emperor so oh you did i'm so sorry No, but if so if ken is because the thing is like the emperor is the most evil of them all so it has to be stasi Oh man, but stasi's too stupid like she'll never win. She'll never father A child and give it up. You know that the second she makes a baby. She's gonna make that thing feel like shit It's entire life. She's never gonna just give that baby up to like Go make out with some girl who's not even a waitress. That's sad like well Well, see ken I feel like ken would not be necessarily someone evil he but he is pretty minor He would be like ken would be r2d2 he would just be the one following you around never saying anything that you can understand Actually really lisa and ken are c3po and r2d2 if you really think that's true here We are on the odd planet aren't we are too? Yeah, yeah, that's actually more appropriate Then I don't know what she is all right. So now who's yoda who did we make yoda? Well yoda is now open Open yoda yoda is just like you know, maybe yoda is like I don't even we don't even have james yet Yoda is chef penny in the back. Yes, that's why whenever anybody has any trouble. They go to the back and she's like Sit down and let me mix some mayonnaise with some tuna fish and tell you an old story Like oh shift penny. She's like, I'll be right back After grocery games after guys grocery store wars Tartar tuna each we Star Wars chef penny is like hovering above everybody watching like the aisles and guys grocery games Can't beans can't be I feel like james is probably that guy like that normal guy from star wars The original star wars, which is like star wars number four even though it was the first the original one who darth vader chokes without even touching When darth vader is like That's that's jax doing that to james Hey, christen hey chubaka while you hang out darth vader all the time you guys friends now You get boning that afterwards huh? Let's take a good look at this chubaka I think james says jar jar beaks like he comes the Googly eyed and his eyes are always flopping around No one really likes them wants to be loved and entertaining, but everybody's like oh, I hate james But at the end of the day they've all got his lunchbox That's exactly what he is jar jar binks that the late addition to the franchise the fans reject holy Yeah, he's the youngest. He's the weirdest and people hate him just because he's new. Oh poor jaw jaw What's katie katie's just katie's just like a stormtrooper. She's like bad. She's kind of princess Leia Who do we have is princess Leia? Oh? Okay, just because their name sound the same Okay, i'm trying to think of like katie is a stormtrooper. She's you know, she's usually on the bad side But she's not distinct enough to have her own huge identity katie's like natalie portman like she's waiting and waiting and she's trying to be nice i don't think i've ever heard she's waiting for anakin to But instead anakin just goes bad Anakin finds perms and then turns into jax. Yes. Oh my god. That makes sense. It makes sense Oh poor natalie portman, and you know that you know that anakin is bad because anakin Anakin has poured a glass of water on on princess Whatever her name is about five times now at every birthday party CP3 C3 P.O comes in and says stopping me to la la Now what you're doing? Are you two into the swans? I don't care what movie this is you are still the black swan who stabbed the white swan at the end of the day natalie portman. I'm not buying it. I that arches who comes up like Now we have no one for han's house the first time anybody's actually vacuumed this big glass palace in the sky amazing And I don't think we have anyone for han's soul. I think we talked with what you said someone for han's solo I think he's just give it to you. You know the right well But peter's not witty enough because han's solo is charming and brash and like peter's the only one close to that or anthony the hot bartender Um, which one was anthony? Oh, the headie sipper yon number two No, it's the well you say eddy sipper yon, but I always say it's it's tall muscular latino Bailie Joel osmond. Oh god. No hilly Joel. Oh my god. No, I'm gonna go back to star wars and Shoot myself in the face. No more no more hilly Joel osmond. All right Bruce Willis was dead the whole time All right. Well, I think I feel like that's a pretty accurate This was huge this day. You know star wars is such a big deal. Even I who don't give you know, I don't be able to fuck I've got two star wars Slurpy cups and then the other day I saw this big Rubber thing and target that was like she knows face, but it liked up And I'm like that's the biggest night light I've ever seen and I wanted it I just want to be woken up in the middle of the night by some aging waitress with Purpose gaps in her teeth. I'm like eyes that point in different directions on down target By the way, have we failed this entire extended metaphor by not assigning anyone to job of the hut or to billy Do Williams? Okay, so job of the hut. What does job of the hut really do he almost kills Leia, but does it? There he doesn't then he just binges the rest of the time Well, he turns Han Solo into into like rock, right and then or like whatever they call it By the way, so many star wars. Thank god. No star wars nerds listen to this because they would be furious with it We are butchering Their bible right now Whatever I've spent 12 hours or whatever so far and millions of dollars watching these films I can do whatever I want with them so so Jabba he um he enslaves princess Leia, right and then he like turns Han Solo into like a slab of stone So who would do that? Who does that to lala? That's just lala's Italian guy Yeah, that's just some sad lala met on a boat one. Yeah, that's just the guy in Italy his job I love him poop on me sometimes, but it's called the part-time jobs so yeah, and then Billy D Williams, that's just Billy D Williams is pandy's husband the gay husband. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's we don't have like so handsome and strong But I don't really know what he's doing here and I'm not sure of his purpose yet And pandy does something pandy's probably the elephant one serving things Maintaining the bar who came in after yoda died Because yoda bites it right Yoda What smart person took over for yoda does I feel like yoda would die and then pandy would be like All right. I'll be here for yoda because he's not here now So what's your plan with these star walls? Do you plan on doing anything other than flying around shooting things because I need more of a plan if i'm the new yoda? I feel like actually pandy is yoda now that now that we talk about it. It's not chef penny. It's probably pandy So she's like the most bored. Yoda is kind of bored though. I guess that's what makes him fun They go up and she's like She's like Glasses what a clean they are Mum, I don't know I am floating in sky purse on am I Addiction divine it is Your late is blog what I can't even do it I can't even speak You know with sentences my one of my favorite facts about star wars that the voice of yoda is the director of little shop of ours Oh good on you frank auss good on you One of my favorite facts is that princess lea was really wasted that whole time While her mom was sitting on top of pianos at dinner parties singing show tunes. That's you again, sirlan mclaine Oh, no, her mom's Debbie Reynolds. sirlan mclaine is um harris. No way Not my old 80s sister, right there is So here is the connection Uh carrey fissure daughter of Debbie Reynolds right and there I think carrey fissure wrote a book about it The book was postcards from the edge that sirlan mclaine started with metal streak Ah, there you go. Thank you so much. That was so good ben. You should be a therapist And by the way second postcards First cuts from the edge reference this podcast. We're really killing it really really killing How could truly mclaine is not ever gonna leave this episode I don't know so should we should we uh head into our pump um Pump recap daughter. Let's do it. I feel like we just did it on me We just gave the whole plot away Hanforas yoda and she's not gonna be with anybody until they make better plans and wait who is obie? Do we Because did we do we forget who obie was because obie was lisa van der pump and now obie is up for grabs Well, has obie ever taken anybody's couch? You know, obie is dc over left over furniture I feel like stassi is just too Stupid and evil to be anyone from star war stassi is like all those Starship troopers they seem like they're really mean and you can't beat them But then you just flick them in the head or something and they all fall down See here's the thing with stassi why should be a good obie because you kill her and then she still lingers around She's still can appear appear and she gets stronger you kill her. She gets stronger So wait And again, I forgot And they all have to fit in that tiny little antique pink surcar It's always part of this I've seen that part that's by like three times the swear to god That's their melanomy though. Okay, so anyways, so this week's episode of lemial falcon Oh, it's millennial falcons too small. Oh It's what the millennials drive look. It has instagram in it. Take your selfies over here Obie wonk an obie is like blaming everybody for getting you addicted to meth and giving it herpes Yeah, christen falls out of the millennial falcon breaks her face Seriously, he tries to look down, but his neck don't turn like that He has that little special seat, you know where he you see his head going left and right And see through piers like auto auto You know, you know, they're terrible captains of this spaceship You know all they do is just crash it and they fall out of it and break their faces, but You know, where else can you find a good pilot? Yes, can you'll be able to touch my vagina again in another hundred eons You know jacks, you know He's trying to destroy the universe and he has an entire death star and it's really terrible But you know what he has a great bartender, so we got to keep him alive Jax is starting a whole new planet with shit. He stole from the millennial falcon He's like, I've got a new planet based around old-fashioned horn honkers He's just hitting on all the stormtroopers Soon troopers like I thought that you liked the other stormtrooper Well, you know, we're sort of not really talking right now. Okay Jax finally beats all the stormtroopers by crushing them all and snorting them. Yeah You're like finally. I thought you're with that e-walk. Well, you know, I don't know I don't know where we stand right now, but if you want to go out, let's get some drinks Star Wars by all enjoy watching you. I like how we pretty much assigned everyone to every rule Anyway, Shina is obviously I don't know what she we I don't know where she is, but let's get to the recap. Wait, who was she now? We oh, yeah, she was originally somebody She was the person that was turned to stone in a bar or something. Oh, she's Billy D Williams. No, that's hilarious She was originally she three P.O. She threw up y'all saying I'm gonna change my name to say Caron. Yeah, if only we need more of the characters No, Shina is you will we'll make her land or color see and then just be done with it Mm-hmm. Oh, no balls So anyway, um, so this episode opens with Ken and Lisa meeting someone named Arielle Who is a team counselor and at first I was like, oh, thank god. There's someone here who can help the staff Someone at the staff someone who can understand the staff, but it turns out she's not there to counsel the staff She is going to bring homeless kids to sir Bunch of kid a bunch of homeless kids who have never been to a restaurant and I'm so sorry for the kids I just wrote is there no chilies in Ventura? Like what the hell? Why would you come to this right like he was your first restaurant ever here's some dry lifeless Positively frozen food enjoy your empanadas Why team counselor why take them to sir, of course. We just were there and eating all the food Anyway, so just children know what empanadas are darling They're going to be confused. I can have them labeled they used to be goat cheese bowls, but you know, I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable I know that's just empanada So Homeless canisters all the time ding ding ding here's an empanada. I say what do you suppose it's so big? Warming the empanadas handy. Do we have any warm empanadas? Yes So then so then tom the toms meet because their presentation to l vp sangria is coming up And tom tanavos like yeah, you know, I don't want to burden the presentation too many specifics like we just go in there, you know And that's time we talked to lisa and she got mad at us for like not having specifics like that was awesome So like let's not say it specific because like that's what you do in business Just see like coaching and like sales a lot. Yeah, PowerPoint And then just say bottom line bottom line say it over and over And then the other tom's like my perm hurts and then katie's like your perm is stupid And that's just like our relationship. It went flat immediately Yeah, oh my god says the woman with a ghost ring on her finger that hurts so bad because she doesn't have a wedding ring yet So then tom tom tanavos doesn't want tom's twerks to talk too much and tom fritz is like what? I'm an eloquent guy. I'm like dude. You just said i'm a eloquent guy. No Can't talk don't talk tom and he actually said something along the lines of we don't have to come up with things like We just use us like we're handsome guys. You know god guess who doesn't so gray goose Handsome guys has have you ever seen a pinup of like someone selling absolute door-to-door? No, they're not cute. They can hold some boxes in all right. That's what you need. Yeah Well, then we go to sir and lala starts lighting candles right where we sat runny. I was like that's what we were She's letting candles in our couch It was a little jay a squatty potty position on the floor. I swear to god What do we even go to that place they make you sit not even on the ground but like on a step stool thing Your knees are up to your double chain really are I feel like in the perfect position to either have a baby or shit All over that place and one day i'm gonna do one of the two It was it was literally like hobbit chairs They were so small and you are in perfect shitting position and your your knees can't fit under the table It was really uncomfortable like I was actually my knees hurt. It's terrible It's like darling if you're gonna build a restaurant and the pots are gonna take up the entire space and there's no room for chairs Just have a p.m. Moroccan floor restaurant. We'll sit on the floor and eat with our hands Yeah, so anyway, so lala her new thing is just like i'm not talking to james like ew he is gross Could i tell you that beforehand lala lala lala Duh so you go to jacks Who still got a gaseous size of oklahoma on his forehead a different face this week and he's red and sweating and he being for no reason he's like Yeah, and his head shaking i'm like what is he doing behind the bar as lala passes of course i know and so I guess so she she if i remember correctly because that my my note is unfortunately too vague This one lala goes up and it's like i got a drink and he's like She's like you're broken up with you're broken up with your contact a girl, right? And he's like yeah like he doesn't care if i get drinks Yeah, he's like well like we didn't break up but like we're not together so like for together It's like look the thing is she's not here right now So like if she's not here and like woman like but Just put him out of his misery that that horse should have been turned into glue two seasons ago clear him He's like a roid dick fucking puffy face Sam Malone clear him But this scene was hilarious because lala is just like kind of walking around all gorgeously while he's heaving And then she's like hello friend and he tells us yeah, we didn't get to fuck like I tried but We couldn't mike. Oh, so she wouldn't fuck you is what you're saying. Yeah Jax she was like just waiting for your amics bill to come out. She's a season one without a title yet. So yeah It's only your capital one card have fun with that not getting late stupid jax i don't know why i'm so mad at jax right now because he's evil jax vader so um So then jackly who hurt her hurting tiling. I mean look at Darth vader. I know Too much cocaine Darth vader too much cocaine When you're so upset that you literally put a mask on that's your goal face. That's very very sad He's like i can't ever achieve this face. So I will just wear a mask Well, that's what jax's face will look soon enough It'll just be like inset eyes and like a whole bunch of slats where the mouth should be Um and a mom haircut Because that's basically what Darth vader somebody is as a mom haircut Yeah, it's a mom haircut with credit card slots for the mouth sounds perfect So anyways speaking moms, that's when uh jaklin shows up. That's james's mom james's mom is there So they go and they have a little lunch And this is where james he starts talking about christen again He's like i don't think anyone has hurt me as much as christen fucking duty has They're calm down. Oh, yeah that that christen sure has been means you get basically got you a job as a reality star Like what are you complaining about that bitch led you to water horse drink? Yeah, i'm like Like i don't understand how she hurt him basically He got with her after she and tom broke up because she's up with jax And then he he voluntarily got with her and he knew about whole christens past And then they're together and then a year later He suddenly starts to become suspicious of her and then she goes to michigan on a modeling gig for the grand opening of the 7-11 and grand rapids And and then he's like it's a miss slurpee flavor I know that she was on one of those metal things rolling around like a hot dog. I know that for sure So then he's mad at her and he's I should be making a slurp eat instead of a slurp me. That's what I want to know your basic bitch Take a good look right now at the slurpee right now. You never get one this color again Your straw your straws too skinny to fit in this slurpee hole. I'll tell you that this whole deserves the spoon straw your basic bitch Uh, so then spoon straws So I don't understand why james is so hurt by christen daddy He needs a reason to sob in front of his mother because you know He's on like five different drugs right now his eyes are dirty ground. He's like mom. I'm sad and she's like Why darling, do you know how difficult it was being married to your father? He's like the romantic story of having me mom met My mom was a famous model sitting in a cafe one day and my dad came up to and said you're hot I'm gonna marry you and then they did he said Thank you, man. Literally. I'm the manager of wam and a band called wam bam another band called. Thank you, man My mother and I are going to be buried in the same quarter-pounder box underneath The mik cafe shop that they met in like this is the least romantic story i've ever heard My father was driving slowed for a stop and saw a wonderful woman standing on the corner He said would you like a ride? She got in they still haven't gotten to their destination That's love like no you're there picked up a hole on the side of the street, you know He's like I can't believe my parents divorcing after all these years. I'm like well He's in the music industry and he got her pregnant when she was a teenager So yeah, this doesn't I mean i'm actually you should be so happy that they were they lasted 20 years That's amazing It was sad when he started cranking. I'm like saying an adult your parents took us through that and so he's like started legit crying Yeah, but that could have been an out of all cry. I'm not buying it James But he starts crying in his mom's like honey. What do you want me to do? I have to live my life I think you know, she wanted to leave that whole time. I like when people say that like I put up with him for you Stop your whining. Yeah, she's like i'm 45. I have the rest of my life to lately I 45 So I didn't think that she was 45 That's james saying When I well growing up, of course, my father was famous. He was a famous music producer So lisa and can do who he was i was like, oh really? So are we morphing from there your family's best friend into they knew who he was because he Everyone else did come on now. You're slipping Yeah, so then we go to a boxing gym where kristan and jax are boxing And kristan's like, you know, seriously seriously jax is a really good friend Like I I think you know people will kill me over saying this but like seriously. He's loyal seriously She's so dumb. She goes You're probably gonna roll over in my grave when I die for saying this But jax is like so trustworthy. It's like you're gonna roll over and like she maps when she dies and rolls over For that she probably will all those years later. She's like all the things and all I forgot jax was trustworthy. Uh, why can't I roll in this grave? Script sucks. He's so loyal like, you know, like when we had sex he like didn't tell anyone until the fourth time someone asked He only ruined my life on camera and like that's where it counts hugs on camera hugs He like only threw me under the boss like 10 or 15 times. That's pretty loyal Um, so one one mystery that they still haven't explained on this show And this show really is good with their season long mysteries where they'll like foreshadow something in the beginning and then You know, it's like christmas wallow to load on a gnocchia couch like good mysteries. This season The big mystery to me. Why is kristan even here? What does she do? Show about some waiters. She doesn't even work there She won't even shoot with james half the time like what are you even doing here? Get out But she's smarter than stassie because last year when stassie wasn't around She you know stassie like sort of refused to be part of the part of the mix And so she would it would just be these scenes of her putting together shadow boxes with pine cones in them You know as opposed to kristan. He was like, yeah, okay. I'll mix it up. I'll get I'll get involved Yeah, so go hurt somebody but man Stassie's that girl who breaks up with you just because she wants you to beg her back and then you don't beg her back And she starts talking you you know, yeah, you broke with me and yes updated girls everyone get off my ass Yeah, she's stupid stupid stassie, but she'll be back at some point Road what about that? Um, oh, this is james crying. He's like that was a hard fucking road Shut up james you're 23. You don't know a hard road darling So kristan says she wants a real man seriously seriously real man Um, but that was obviously from that scene. They just were boxing and that's it jax's face Looked like one of those boxing gloves. Why would you work so hard on your face get your fourth nose and then choose boxing as your exercise? I know maybe try some pushups. No, not even that don't even do something you can crash down onto the ground Just stand there jax. Yeah, just stand there. Just don't get your face out of danger towing Yeah, I don't like you but I like face number three and I know it's still under there somewhere and I want it to stay healthy la la So speak of which we then go back to you sir staff mating staff mating Everyone be nice to homeless children Darlings who feels bad for stasi everyone's raising their hand. Well, other homeless children need us today. So We're inviting 16 homeless swans. Wait, the children. Oh, nevermind We're feeding homeless children today max come in here darling. Bring it up a wares So lisa makes us announcement And then and then tom is like talking about uh his presentation he's like, yeah, we're gonna bring stuff to the presentation And lisa's like you need more than stuff Darling, pandy doesn't eat pre-rat cheese. You want a list of ingredients in any of them? All right And then I have this um Quote from shina. I forget the context of it, but she's like shay and I are going to start therapy. I mean, that's awesome That's awesome. I know or she knows that girl you like that You don't tell her her tail lights out because part of you just wants her to get a DUI Because you know, it's gonna be hilarious. It's like buy have a safe trip Are you sure you don't want me to drive you? Don't tell that there's a tail line up. Maybe call the police Just so you can hear this from the east side I'd like to see shina in a drunk tank. I literally this room is so small like where are the portraits of man shay? This is like the size of the public line right now. There's a it's so small But she's trying to be so positive through everything. She'll be like, I love it here. Concrete floors And who is the one saying Uh that shina will be friends with anyone like she forgives She's the most forgiving person of all time because everyone shits on or she hates people and then all of a sudden she loves him because now She is like, I think she can wala another chance because kitties like I am gonna be nice to her I am gonna be nice to her No, Katie was like, no, if she's gonna be that girl I'm not gonna be next door. I was like you are a soccer mom before even getting wedding ring Please stop it like save your bitchiness for the soccer fields for a bunch of five-year-olds because right now you look crazy Stop talking. She looks like a bitter Non-fuckers She just it just may it's sad. So just be quiet over there, Katie Just get back to shena cuz she's the one I love I'm like, yeah, because i stand for her corner. It's like hope pride It's like uh why I like all the fat people love your shank And she tells katie, we went to social security and I got my name changed That's like shena, you know that was the DMV next to the target Right Social security come on there Because I feel really secure in my social standings at sir They made me take my number like basket robins So she's telling her that she loves tossy whittles. So she telling her in this No, she's just gonna come back 20 minutes later. No, she was talking about the therapy that she It's awesome. And then they got she got her name change and be nice to la la and And then meanwhile across the restaurant and james walks over to tom and jax And they're talking and then james has james has found out that jax went to a boxing class to kristan And he's like how did he find out jax is like hey james. I just saw kristan today He's like, oh really? What is she kristan jame jax is like the kenya more of this show Yeah, but he doesn't realize it. You know, sometimes he does but sometimes he doesn't Mm-hmm like he doesn't like kenya at least usually knows when she's starting the pot jax sometimes just like Yeah, so we went boxing james like don't you think it's kind of weird You're hanging out with kristan now Mm-hmm. It's like what's the deal was it? Yeah, hang on kristan you're boning were you boning in boxing class? Did you put boxing glove on and have sex with boxing glove and call it kristan because that's what she's like Oh, did she hit a lifeless bag and then get yelled at that's my entire relationship I bet there was no mouthguard so that way she could blow you kristan Jax troublemaker and it's always so stupid and just like poking a little baby for no reason You just know what's gonna cry and sure enough james shits his pants and starts a you wah wah wang and then he's like Oh, then he goes the next scene is him and kristan, right? Yeah Yeah, so then he goes to kristan's house christian's apart christian's wearing those like acid wash mom jean short shorts where your butt hangs out Those things kill me. That's my new favorite fashion In the world right now. I don't know if it's all over the world or just l.a But girls just walking around with their entire ass hanging out and it cracks me up every single time He's like mixed it with mom jeans. It's like yeah, I'd the baby pouch show off the ass I know so um james comes over to get get his stuff Which is like a blazer and an empty bottle of fireball and it's literally like a sweater Like here's your stuff And so he is like a laundry bag So then of course he comes in with his Asshole like like this ridiculous, you know, bitter queen vernacular or whatever not vernacular, but you know we were talking about when he said a member a few weeks ago You're a basic bitch christian. You're a basic bitch. Take a good look at this. You're never gonna get this It's like we're saying how he's like picking up, you know the insults from weo So he's once again. He's like I really thought i was gonna miss you but i'm thinking more about lala than you Wow Hope you had fun getting a black eye on your cone hole like I did with lala She's like what? She's talking about your ratchet bitch. That's what i'm saying You're just a ratchet bitch christian. She's like your ratchet Look at you. You're like ratcheting like i'm trying to get a screw on but a screwdriver can't get it So i'm using a ratchet and they keep turning it and it just keeps going crank crank. That's you cake Whatever honey, whatever honey ratchet, back up off the curb. You ratchet bitch You lost all your fucking friends honey. You lost all your fucking friends honey Remember when you used to bite me remember when you used to do that honey. Hey girl. Hey girl You don't bite anymore. Take a good look at my bite. It's the last time you get to look at a bite like that honey Hey girl. I'll be like all this all right. That was so stupid and then christians dumb too So she falls right into it and she's like oh, yeah Well, wait a minute that time like i turned off my phone because i don't like your voice That's why i turned off my phone. He's like i really batch Oh, well, that's wonderful christian. You ratchet bitch You join a Vagina fire christian like what are you even talking about? These are the most childish Insults My entire note for a workout by the way, which we're not talking about today I wrote down in this over and over stupid people fighting stupidly about stupid things Like they're so stupid. They don't even know what their fight is. They can't even make a sentence No, it's like what I said last week right all this is work Body Oh, he got a workout There is not enough rage Available to talk about workout. We'll do that thursday. Yeah, you have to watch it because i'm furious I'm gonna watch it mad. I'm gonna watch it. I'm gonna watch it. Don't worry So anyway, so the christian and jims are fighting and I did I did think it was funny that christian was like This whole ratchet facade you have and he's like, yeah, the fucking ratchet christian And she's like, I can't believe you call me ratchet. I'm like you sort of call him a ratchet first Anyway, so james is he's really he's really you know on a hot streak with the insoles like you fucking nasty slot You nasty nasty slat and then he like then of course he leaves and he spits on her door. He's by slat He's like not this time. No, you're never gonna get it. No, no girl. No, you're never gonna get it It's my this is song Stop talking at me. You're deejay Whatever slat by slat gonna get out of here slot and can go do some aerobics So I'm gonna always leave back. You better call mci to cut the phone bills. So anyway, so then uh james spits on christian's door And her response. I love her responses I just heard my fucking apartment cleaned as if like somehow this saliva which she's had in her mouth many times before has Has like destroyed her entire apartment. She's like And she's cleaning it with the disspunge Um, she's using her disspunge to do it. So now whenever she cleans anything in the house It's like marinated in that same gross bit. So let's like stop and let's get a new sponge call molly made back I know that's you know, I I'm just imagining her like cleaning her dishes and then she just sees a reflection of james's face in the dish going Evie fucking slutty slut Hi guys, um molly made this is christian Sorry to call you again, but like I need you to come back because you didn't get all of the ratchet out of my kitchen. So So then the next scene It was like sort of like shark tank, but since it was lisa and pandy and jason It's like guppy tank. They're like all sitting in the corner of like a basically a walk-in closet At a table looking very official and the tom's walk-in to do their big pitch for lisa van de pump sangria It's like welcome darlings. Come on in it. You know panty and jason. Hello. Hello Hey guys, okay, like we're so excited. We love meetings. He's like You know, I thought they were gonna suck They kept suck as bad as I thought. I'm like, yes, I can. Yes. They can so they're big plan. He's like hey guys Like I want to take the surely temple black wrap and be an ambassador Darling no, she was a child star. She could tap dance. What can you do? Uh, that's all I have so All right, surely temples everyone surely temples on the house homeless kids. Oh, I love homeless kids. All right, give him a job Here's I thought okay, uh umbrellas little cocktail umbrellas in the sangria. Oh Wonderful idea. Wonderful. I want like weenies, but like instead of hot dogs. I wanted to be teeny tiny weenies Darling put him in an openable can we'll revolutionize the industry co-penny Well, what I loved is that tom and tom They didn't really have a plan and tom schwarz started off with his brand ambassador thing and threw tom sandoval off of whatever he was going to say Of his non-game. I love it. He plucked me up. So tom number one's like, okay. Here's our plan We're like don't have a plan because like plants are done like I planned on a perm and now look who has straight bangs Like I don't get it and pandy's just looking like that st bernard in that movie. That's just Beethoven She looks like Beethoven just looking at him all serious, but everyone's like she's so cute And he's like I could kill you if this weren't a kid's movie She's like slobbering a little bit. She literally says she literally says to tom ten of all What's wrong with you? She literally asked that what's wrong with you can be for president. She's like last week. We had a meeting I brought a hundred thousand dollar Past the size of a small child for that meeting and it was a waste of time. Is that what you're telling me? He's like no, no, tom's just dumb like he doesn't get perms. So like here's what we're trying to say We like we want to go to places like where your drink is and then we want to like, you know No, I don't I don't know like I don't give it to people So basically You want to have a career and a life and be an adult and go from being a bartender to the person standing in front of the bar In a speedo while passing out pump teamies. He's like, yeah, sounds good. He's like here. Here's the deal. We'll work pro bono Like you know what pro bono means, right? Yeah, pandy did she's like wait You want to work for free then they all start laughing at them openly That's a plan now like working for free So good and then at that point they start just saying things they've seen from like Business movies, you know because then tom shorts goes I want you to know. I'm in it's like what? I don't think you know, no, you're not the one who gets to say you're in they have to say they have to let let you in You don't just get to declare it and what are you in for? No, I'm even nervous But I like that pandy even though she thinks her total idiots knows how to end a meeting with like an object You know like the goal she goes All right So basically what you're telling us is you want to come work for us for free And do whatever we tell you and pass that drinks like gosh like hi. You're in Yeah, I'm a laugh. How stupid they are so good I know it was great. By the way, we saw pandy and her husband at pump that same night night of a thousand stars and uh pandy looked adorable and her husband was super hot and uh Her husband's really growing into his age like he wasn't cute He wasn't as cute younger, but like now it's making more sense as he ages like the hairline That his face is getting a bit more angular. I don't know if it's You know like frozen Or if they're like fillers, I don't know what it is, but he's looking more rugged and handsome. I'm liking it We all know I had how he always looked hot For a girl who's never played a sport in her life. You should know how to score pandy Yeah, you scored speaking of scoring We then go to jax's apartment where jax is uh talking to britney about wallah because britney She's just a wrapped in tan and he's like so uh just so you know like so i was talking to lala And she was like you want to get a drink And uh, i was like sure i mean because nothing's gonna happen because it sounded all innocent, you know And she was like you have a girlfriend. I was like, yeah, no i have a girlfriend So it was like all innocent and then she was like, okay, let's get a drink. So That happened and britney's like, okay It's like wait a second. What are you guys talking about? I really I think that's great. That girl's so bold. Oh, great. That's like wow britney britney's gonna get along with every hoe This guy sleeps with she'll be yeah, can i make you a freedom pie? Don't do that here Well, she's smart because he basically he tells her about lala Which she'll probably get her all angry and jealous and before she can start to get mad He's like, so you want to move in? She's like, oh, yeah, yeah He's so stupid. He's like, look, I really don't like want this to move too fast So will you move in like he didn't even know what he was saying or that he was gonna say that he just it blurted out He looked like it was a huge mistake the second he said it speaks in mad libs basically Lala just said she wouldn't suck your dick five minutes ago. So already you're getting someone to move in Are you trying with your fucking darth vader credit card slot face? Trying to make some 20-year-old jealous of some hostess Come on jacks like No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, just pay the rent. Just be quiet and pay the rent. Okay britney needs a place to stay Yeah So then we go on to uh one of the dumbest arguments of the season so far, which is we're at sir The homeless swans are about to come in and tom has made two pictures of like some green cocktail And our own's like oh it would have been cool if you had included me Like what he can just save you from doing extra work She's like, I wanted to make pink drinks because I think the girls would like that we're supposed to be partners He's supposed to include me when he makes pictures of things Like just be happy drinks. It's about our relationship like we need to talk about this stuff. We're partners So like just making your own drink just shows you how much he doesn't want to get make me a drink Like no, this is dumb. Yeah, this is really this is this is not the battle to pick Okay, if he bought a couch for the apartment If he bought an apartment if he bought a car if he did anything sure He made two pictures of non-alcoholic drinks just calm down and be happy you didn't have to do it And then lisa comes over. How are you darlings? You ready for the homeless children? He's like yalisa. I mean margaritas She's like gross darling homeless people don't like dreary mexican drinks. I want something pink and girly You know like every homeless child wants. I'm like Talking about just I don't think I've ever seen like a pink homeless tent I know she just likes pink for everything and just assumes everyone else likes pink You don't have a home. That's no reason to not wear pink Talking about So weird pink And then Ariana acts like she scored some kind of point because lisa likes pink like we all knew lisa like pink That means that you'd be a good husband lisa because you know how to please her ass and tom's probably not gonna be a good husband for you Because he doesn't can you read the signs they're only color stole Well, here's the funny thing about Ariana is that she's she says, you know Like, you know if I were a girl like 18 going to restaurant for the first time I'd want like a like a fun girly drink like something pink or whatever And then like 10 minutes later on the show when she doesn't get invited to this vagus birthday party She's like I hate her a normative things that like that say that these are for girls and these are for boys I hate that like well, then shut up about the pink drinks. Yeah, so it's a girl who just got mad that her boyfriend didn't understand her pink drink Yeah, i'm talking about yeah, Ariana. Don't make us dislike you. We like you the most We're the most normal. I like her, but she's getting mad at the lifestyle But that's how she met him and got her job. So it's like you can't get you can't start dating micky mouse And then getting pissed off and trying to tear down the castle in the center of the park It's where micky mouse lives darling like you came to his park play by his rules Get some black gloves on and pat awful snotty little children on the head darling. That's it Well, so speaking of the vagus thing Well, the homeless kids come through and they're like eating calamari for the first time and You know, it's nice. It's nice with these homeless children. Okay Best clothed children ever. No, it was like a couple suits A lot of them had really nice glasses Very good dental work. They look better than i did. I'm like what the fuck kind of homeless plans do We have because every one of these little fuckers looks better than me at any age that i've ever made Not only because they're younger. I mean that dental work is amazing and I re-round I was like those teeth are perfectly straight perfectly white That child has some money. Where is it? Shake them down telling we brought in all these homeless children now go through their pockets Yeah, well, they were it was a nice scene, but I still thought it was like funny this like You know, it was gonna be charitable charitable sir I don't know for some reason the idea of of doing something nice for the community and Sir with all these people just it seemed like a very strange juxtaposition for me But it was a lovely scene It's like look around darling Enjoy the scenery because once you leave here the door man has been instructed not to let you back in all right Enjoy enjoy your calamara. Yeah, so um, so anyway, so it was a nice scene and then Peter comes up to tom and it's like here is so You know how I didn't have a birthday party, so i'm gonna have a birthday party and it's gonna be in vegas guys tripping around It's like i can't hear you man. Did you cut your hair? Like you don't even have a voice anymore. Who are you? Yeah, did you lose like a power sam san? So Everyone's like, oh, it's just another thing that i'm not invited to like great. I'm about to have my 30th birthday party and the next day you go off and go to party. I'm not invited to you I might just just simmer down. Why do you think it would be fun? Why do you think it would be fun to go to vegas with these guys anyway? Well, look we know how they met they met on one of these boys trips when he was cheating on his girlfriend Of course, she doesn't want him going on another one like there's nothing Get there's nothing like giving permission to your boyfriend to go fuck some home in vegas When you met your boyfriend and some girl in a hot tub in vegas. Come on. Yeah, she knows she's not stupid So Me she is but for the scribe. She's very intelligent Yeah, um, I wouldn't want him going either and also they're too old to be doing this shit guys trips to vegas Everyone knows they getting laid in vegas. Don't let your boyfriend go there. Why would you do that? Don't don't and also I love that she's throwing a 30-year-old birthday party for herself But she's throwing a big kids party. She's like gonna get bounty houses While she's talking about how she has to grow up and she's sick of her immature boyfriend I'm like have fun in your bouncy house. Yeah, I have fun with that twee party of yours so um Anyway, so so then meanwhile over in the kitchen So jacks jacks got a phone call from christen that uh james spat on her door So he's like this isn't right. Meanwhile jacks the perpetrator of every crime against women History of man suddenly he is righteous and he's like it's not cool man So he approaches he approaches james in the kitchen and and it's like why did you spin on christen's door? Or when you know he goes why did you spin on christen and and then james is like I did not spit at christen. You know what i got going babe She got me going babe like you're doing right now babe. No, but i have no other spit at a girl girl Hey slut. I don't spit on girls girls Uh And jacks says so you're sorry. All right then you want me to say i'm sorry. I'm sorry girl All right two circles in the snap hated it. Sorry Don't you get sick of saying sorry and he's like says someone 15 years older than me That's still saying sorry, you know if your second face still hasn't forgiven your first all right Besides it wasn't a lugey spit. It was just like a fucking little dribble spit on the door It was a bit of all bit dribble. All right It was just like just trying to solve the drought just trying to get water the plant a little bit It's a little spray. This is like the incident slide The screaming thing and Lisa's like oh not in front of the homeless children Not in front of the homeless No be nice to the homeless people Darlings these children kept just running to the room and closed the door All right. They have to listen to you eating calamari from casko Have some respect So then I love starts yelling at them and it was so funny Well, yeah, I love that she goes you raise your voice and me restaurant again A bit last thing you do and jim's goes Why is he talking to me about christen? I like i was like jim's you don't have to be so it's like it's okay You you can you don't have to whisper It's he he took it very literally I don't like that again my restaurant and I will turn that pizza oven into a pizza oven All right, the only thing will be spinning here a pizza pie. It's all right there little record player man Well, I can still hear you doing all right Don't raise your whisper And then jax is like running around like glorious dine. I'm sticking up for women everywhere like it's so bad That he's spinning a woman. I'm like you just basically took in a child to be your fuck puppet While you wait for the souti slut to give in to your herpes this show is so gross All you people are disgusting, you know, I'm like I hope the homeless people steal everything out of this fucking place Sellers and buy their own restaurant across the street Well, these james finally said what we've been saying a long he's like get your steroid face out of my face That's time that's time someone get your steroid fast out of my meth base. All right My meth can eat your steroids and still turn them thin. All right, kristan good fight guys good fight Your slop jax fighting stupidly about stupid things Yeah, and that's pretty much where it ended. So i'm sure next week we'll have more sluttiness just in time for christmas Oh Hugs so that's the end of our podcast. That was a nice big juicy one. Wasn't it Fun times here fun time saved by old So thanks everyone for listening remember to check out our bonus episode on patreon where we talk about even more bravo stuff patreon.com forward slash watch my crappins facebook.com forward slash Watch my crappins for the facebook stuff and watch what crappins calm for all the other stuff Um and remember by the way, if you subscribe on itunes These episodes will just appear on your phone or your itunes library automatically it makes it much easier for you to get them So go ahead and subscribe and you know what leave a comment to apparently for leave comments It will get us higher in the bravo and the itunes rankings And uh, thank you to everybody who's left us itunes comments and ratings. They've been so nice and lovely I love reading those. It's I like being on itunes. It's so exciting Yes, yeah, I love it too. And you know the higher we are the uh, it's the more people will find out about the podcast which Makes us exciting. So uh, you don't have to leave a comment, but she'll be nice if you did Hmm and um, and that's that's basically it. So thanks everyone. Bye If you like watch what crappins you can listen ad-free right now By joining wendry plus in the wendry app or on apple podcast Prime members can listen ad-free on amazon music before you go Tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey at wendry.com slash survey Hello ladies and gerbs boys and girls the Grinch is back again to ruin your christmas season with tis the Grinch holiday podcast After last year he's learned a thing or two about hosting and he's ready to rant against christmas cure and roast his celebrity guests Like chestnuts on an open fire You can listen with the whole family as guest stars like john ham Britney broski and danny devito try to persuade the mean old Grinch that there's a lot to love about the insufferable holiday season But that's not all somebody stole all the children of hooville's letters to santa and everybody thinks the Grinch is responsible It's a real hooville who done it can send elu and max help clear the Grinch's name Grab your hot cocoa and cozy slippers to find out Follow tis the Grinch holiday podcast on the wendry app or wherever you get your podcasts unlock weekly christmas mystery bonus content and listen to every episode ad-free By joining wendry plus in the wendry app spotify or apple podcasts [MUSIC PLAYING]
