Audible's best of 2024 picks are here. From memoirs and sci-fi to mysteries and thrillers, Audible's curated list in every category is the best way to hear 2024's best in audio entertainment. Like a stunning new full cast production of George Orwell's 1984. And first of all, Everett's brilliantly subversive James. Audible, there's more to imagine when you listen. I actually am really excited to hear George Orwell's 1984 again, because last time I read that was back in, I don't know, middle school or something like that. And the world has changed so much with technology and everything like that. I feel like now is the perfect time to revisit and listen to it on Audible. Especially when it's told by a full cast like that, like it's a full production. It's going to be like a radio play, you know? That's major. Go to Audible.com/crapins and discover all the years best, waiting for you. That's Audible.com/crapins. 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For Hers.com/crapins, Hers weight loss is not available everywhere. Compounded products are not FDA-approved or verified for safety, effectiveness, or quality. Prescription required restrictions apply. Textures, the app that gives you an all-access pass to the world's best magazines right on your phone or tablet. If you want a free trial, go to texture.com/crapins. Watch what Crapins would like to bake its premium sponsors, Marvin J. and Kristy Doherty. We love you. Welcome to Watch what Crapins, the podcast about all that crap we love to choke on the Real Housewives of Melbourne. Thank you so much for joining us, we're not talking about it today, but damn, I want that to be back. I'm Ronnie Graham from Trash Talk TV. I'm shaking your shoulders and slapping you. And we're a little loopy and in me. I'm here with the gorgeous, talented, and older, older by year this week, Ben Mandelker. Yes. I have to be side-blocked and bent to Blinta. Hi, Ben. Hey, we didn't even do a special thing for your birthday last week. That's okay, because it wasn't my birthday yet and you're not supposed to celebrate prematurely. Well, good. Now we can celebrate it now by ignoring it again, because it is Watch what Crapins could. Yeah, watch what Crapins could. Watch what, Watch what, Hanukh Crapins. Watch what Hanukh Crapins, welcome to Watch what Hanukh Crapins, where we celebrate Jews on Bravo, Ben name them. Jews on Bravo. Andy Cohen. The end. Congratulations. The ghost of Jill Zaren. We're going to celebrate all the Jews who have been fired from Bravo. Well, Hanukh Crapins is the festival of light when, as you may remember, some of you out there, there was only enough oil to last for a little bit of light, but it lasted for eight nights at the temple after, you know, the Judas Maccabee and others fought off the Romans or something. You know, I forget the story of Hanukh, okay, I'm sorry. I forget the story of Hanukh. Well, that is more than I ever knew. I mean, it was all about keeping the lights on because someone didn't pay the damn bill. I mean, come on, Jewish people, you are known for having it together financially. Listen, if you had a candle that stayed on for eight days, I think you would celebrate something too. That's, that's, that's seven candles you don't have to buy are going to honor all the light that Bravo brings into our lives by doing something undetermined, but it's going to happen over the course of this episode. Well, I wish I had a trailer. I know what it can be. I know what it can be. You have to let a new candle every night of Hanukh, which now that I know the story seems kind of silly because you guys should just make candles that last eight days because that's kind of the miracle and well, then it will be a miracle anymore. Everyone can do it. Yeah, you're just like turning it on at the bottom, like one of those things you buy at Walgreens, those like candles you buy at Walgreens. So anyway, since you have to like one candle every night being, I think we should like one candle. We just like eight candles by the end of this week is all I'm saying, we'll have to dedicate a candle to something. Well, I was going to say, here's my question. Here's my crap, crapica question or Hanukh happens, I hope you're appearing mean to subscriber or I'm not answering. We'll get to the mailbag in a moment, but here's from my mailbag, the Crapin's Host mailbag. If Bravo Stars were Hanukh candles, you're going to load them up in the menorah, which Bravo Star would you like to light their head on fire? Their head? Oh my goodness. They all wear weaves. The whole place could go up and smoke. Be careful. Be careful Jews on Hanukh. I know it actually sounds actually semi-antisomatic to be like, which Jews would you like to light on fire for Hanukh? Well, no, you couldn't light a Jewish person because Jewish people don't light themselves. They light other people to stay warm. So we'd have to like light Sheena or something for the Jews. She would be a great candle because she is pretty much 70% wax at this point. She would last till next Hanukh. It would just like make it down to her chin. She would be like one of those giant, ironically she would be like one of those giant Jesus candles that light just can burn and burn and burn. Candles come and go, but fill us burn forever. Okay, so let's get on with this damn show. Let's get on. Okay, I say we light a candle every time, every time we are shed some light on a reality of the world. Okay. Every time something beautiful. Let's get a dark podcast. Yeah, every time something beautiful has a light shine upon it because of these shows, we will acknowledge it and we will light a candle in honor of it. How about that? I don't see a lot of candles going up in flames. Come on. I made $790. Okay, well, for right now, for right now, we will light imaginary Hanukh candles in our menorah for every revelation that we have, every revelation that validates humanity on Bravo will light a candle. Okay, every time we crack each other up, like really crack each other up, we will light a candle. Okay, we can play separate games. So we can play separate games. Okay. It's an improv team. We don't have to follow a rule, right? You're going for enlightenment. I'm just going for laughter. Yeah. Well, you know, that's what happens when I try to enlighten myself. It's always a fucking disaster. If you want to see something explode and shit the bed, ask me to start enlightening myself. It's a frightening journey. Okay. Anyway, everybody, welcome to the opening of the show. So go to watchacrapins.com for all our social links. Also check out facebook.com/watchacrapins because we are dying, laughing at this page. You guys have really made that a fun community. And we go there for all our housewives news because it's all posted there. You can also follow us @whatcrapins or go to patreon.com/watchacrapins. That's the big one. That's where you can go subscribe to our bonus episodes and get ringtones and all that stuff. We have like a premium feed. So these episodes will always remain free, but we do all with there's a whole nother world going on over there if you need more episodes to listen to this Christmas because once you sign up on any dollar amount, you have access to every bonus episode. And I think we just did number 61 today. So there's a lot of bonus. So go over there if you need bonus material. And thank you so much to everybody who subscribes. You're making our Christmas uka come true. Yeah. The bonus episode this week we talked about more about Vicky's perfume. The Amazon reviews are in and they're witty. Their attempts at witticism astounded us. Yes. We also we also we talked about Gamble bro and how she threw a pet wedding and we talked about Sheena's triple X past. And we we we imagined Vanderpump rules, Lisa Vanderpump fighting Isis. So that was fun. And then a lot of stuff about Golden Girls. Yeah, Lisa Vanderpump went to war with Isis. That was fun. We opened with that. So it was really it was really fun. And we were about to wrap it up 35 minutes in and then we talked for another 20 minutes. I'm sorry, but you get you get any of the Golden Girls or murder she wrote. And it's on pick offenses. That was the best part. The last 20 minutes was the best part because all we did was talk about, you know, crime shows and sitcoms. So it was really a fun hour. I also want to say by the way, getting back to the birthday stuff, I do want to really thank everyone because Ronnie, you put up a really lovely thing on our Facebook page. And I was really flattered and I really want to thank you for putting that up. It was so nice. And I want to thank all the listeners who liked that and wrote comments. I didn't get to even, you know, respond to really too many of them because it's, you know, like on Facebook, when it's your birthday, you get all this all this stuff happens, you know, you're like, what do I respond to? But I'm really it actually really, really touched me and there were like 300 likes on that. I've never felt so liked. Oh, bam. So you were you were basically just poked with thumbs by 300 people. As I feel being felt amazing. I love massage them, Pope, the Jewish kid. It's his birthday. Yes. So and thank you, Ronnie, for coming to my little birthday party over the weekend. So fun. Ronnie brought me my tipsy elf sweater. So there's a photo of that. And it's also the only you pick the only place on the strip with parking. I mean, that's really that's a generous friend right there and two for wins. That's a good friend right there. So yeah, that was fun being happy birthday and glad you were born. Thank you. I'm glad I was born too. But I'm even more glad that you were born. Oh, oh, oh, oh. I feel like I should wear the thank you card to your mother being me while my trainer, by the way, at Ellie Fitness, he's had the fucking ruin it. I didn't. I'm not. No. Let me tell you something. He's for like weeks. He's been saying, Oh, send me your podcast. Send me your podcast. So I finally sent him the info yesterday. So he's listening to this right now. He'd be like, What the fuck is going on on this show? What is this show? He's going to do the world a favor and just have me come to and just drop the barbell on our necks. You made me throw up yesterday, the time is your robe and made me jump around like a leapfrog. And I threw up. Well, if anything can segue us into Vanderpump rules, just kidding. That's it. Actually, too early, too early. We have our news segment crappins mail bag. These come to us from our patreon.com slash what will crappins posts? Yes. So this first one, this first, well, it's the question of the day. This comes from Marvin Jay, who is our brand new super subscriber, sponsor, premium, et cetera. Marvin, you made my birthday wish come true. Also your hot and I've never had a hot young person like give me things. So nice. Such a nice change. All right, young people get on it. Learn like Marvin darling. Learn like Marvin. All right. Everyone buckle your seat belts. A big question to ask. It's academic, too. So everyone, just get ready. All right, Marvin asks, do you think at some point the producers on these shows and really bravo is a brand will eventually come to terms with notion that it is participating in a dangerous game of classism, not in the micro, but macro sense, that the people who told tirelessly on these shows to produce and craft a narrative will never be considered the actual talent because the house of cards would come tumbling down. Bit of a loaded question. LOL. Bravo will never come to terms with anything. So they can't even come to terms with Romona. OK, yeah. I mean, Romona is not even going to be on the season hardly because they couldn't come to terms. OK. Bravo does not care if it's playing a dangerous game of classism. If anything, they considered it a hilarious game of classism. They don't care about whoever toils on the show, whoever the producers are, whoever the story editors are, whoever the editors are, bravo don't care. Yes, and bravo is fair because they've put maids on TV, too, so they put all classes on TV. They make every classic just as stupid as the last. I mean, I know what you're saying as far as the people who work behind the scenes are never going to get as paid as much as talent, and they don't do as much or the talent doesn't do as much as the people behind the scenes, and you're correct. But that's just what it is. I mean, you've got to have the talent to earn in the money in front, you know, you're paid for what you're worth, and you guys are going to be working your whole lives, and these people aren't. They're not even working now. They're just being followed around with the TV. That'll end soon. You guys will be cutting this shit and making money for the rest of your lives, and you've got a health care plan. Yeah. I mean, it's an interesting point because Bravo, on the one hand, does glamorize or they really put on a pestle rich. Everything, they celebrate rich people or fake rich or whatever, but the idea of having money is what Bravo is all about, and then you can make the argument that's like, yeah, but then you see them all like buffoons, and then you feel good about yourself. So yeah, you may feel good about yourself by the fact that you're not rich, but I do think that the ultimate message is it's good to be rich. And I could not agree more. That's why I'm your podcasting. Yeah. Every network has its theme. Okay. Lifetime has its women in danger. Bravo has its rich people. A&E has, you know, duck hunters. Yes. They have like a possible criminal or at some point going to be felon shows like Duck Dynasty and that bounty hunter show. Wasn't that from that channel too? Yeah. And that member they sell shit out of the pond storage. Oh my goodness. They like sell shit out of the U-Haul storage. Remember when A&E was classy? They were like, their whole thing was like biography. Now five times a night and everyone was like, but now it's like, it's like this shit. Although Bravo used to also be, Bravo used to be the place we used to go to watch opera. So well, I have to say they are putting on some very simple characters and stuff to understand like opera because opera is very presentational and I think that's how Bravo is too. It is. It's like, I am rich. I am rich. I am rich. You're like, okay, runs because it's like literally the same word over and over opera. And that's Bravo for you, they in an opera show. Well so Marvin has, he has a follow up question along these same lines. He says, or for continuing from the last question, that the valuation of rich insular communities contributes to a much larger issue that the affluencers can act as vessels for political lobbies and the creative types are forced into submission through exhaustive NDAs to preserve the notion that we are being presented in some manner is reality when in fact it is a very complex gentrification of the media landscape where being rich is singularly your price of admission into the body politic of Hollywood. I'm not sure I totally follow that. Marvin Jay, you are way too intelligent to be watching Bravo. Who talks like that to watch his Bravo? Turn the channel Marvin Jay, what are you next? You're like Fraser Crane over there talking about Bravo. What is, what about the infrastructures, the intellectual mind with his, his commerce? How does commerce affect the intellect of the poor person with creative gentrification boardies? I'm not sure, I'm not sure the degree to which affluencers act as vessels for political lobbies but I guess they do of course, the whole government is run by people with money, the corporations of the people with money, the Supreme Court, I mean, I don't know the degree to which like, you know, putting Phaedra Parks on TV is like, is it, is putting forward a political lobby? But I don't know. Well, I was certainly getting people pissed off at the rich people because they're, they're able to, we're, I guess I should say, as I am one of them, we're able to kind of put a face, even if it's not Phaedra Parks's face, we're putting someone's face on the people who are fucking everything up all the time and like, bailing each other out with trillions of dollars that nobody even understands. Like now there's a face on it, it may be Phaedra's, it may be Vanderpump's, whoever it is, but I think it mobilizes people into a weird sort of anger that might eventually turn into action of some scary sort. Oh my God, we're going to be burning tires in the street soon and beat each other over the head with baseball bats. Well, I think Marvin does raise it. Also another interesting question, what you know has been a question that has kind of been around since reality, modern reality, kicked off 15 years ago when he says is being basically being rich, singularly your price of mission into the body politic of Hollywood, it kind of is becoming that way. You know, before the show started, we were talking about the Kardashians. You know, the Kardashians, they're rich and now they are part of Hollywood. You know, so like not every reality star becomes part of Hollywood, but it's almost like if you are rich, you can now be part of Hollywood as opposed to being an actor, et cetera. I don't know. You know, though, I feel like also being in Hollywood and being an entertainer and forms of entertainment is just an ever-evolving landscape and just like languages. And you know, we just have to go with the flow because at the end of the day, whoever is, if it's entertaining to us, if we like the entertainment, then who cares where they come from? Yeah. I mean, I say, look, let's just burn them at the stake. These rich fuckers, you know, it's better than watching poor people burn at the stake and help. When we get back in the mood for poor people, we'll just turn on Vanderpump rules and burn them at the stake too. Keep it fair. I think one of the biggest things is that you see rich people and you realize that they're not smarter than you. And then that's really pissing me off because I just assume people that wealthy were intelligent and they're all fucking morons and it's like, well, I'm a moron, why don't I have that much money? Like, how are they able to have money and they're morons and I don't have money and I'm a moron. Like, it just feels weird. Like we should have more in common with them. And I think it's like bringing them down to our level and now we can take them down. All right, Marvin. All right, Marvin. Well, thanks so much for running in, Marvin. Thanks for also becoming our latest super premium sponsor. We have more mailbag questions that we'll get to on the next episode. And so we can go on to the main one. But first, a quick shout out to my old school, Tom Whitney Oland. We went to elementary school together. We started going to school together in first grade and then middle school and high school. And she recently wrote on my Facebook wall that she listens. I'm assuming to do this podcast, not banter blender. And so Whitney, thanks for listening. It's so nice to hear that from you. Aw. Thanks, Whitney. I haven't seen Whitney in like years. Tell us some dirty sex stories about Ben. Yeah, Whitney. Whitney's birthday is coming up. I remember the show. At Facebook post, Whitney, you could be telling us stuff right now. Okay. So what should we have to start with? We have so many shows. We have my talk today about Real House has been long talk. We're going to talk about the second episode of Top Chef. We're going to talk about Vanderpump Rules, most importantly. And I'm going to weigh in a little bit about Workout New York. So you choose. Oh, well, I guess we should start with Real Housewives of Atlanta, right? Yay. So every week, I noticed something new. I was looking at my nose. I didn't make them. It's like 30 points. You know, like, what do I say? I know I said, I just like that we both made weird Sheena noises. I know Sheena Day. It's just, it's not Hana Crapins. It's Sheena Crapins all over the floor. All episode long. Let's just put Sheena into every episode. Letting a candle. This week on Real Housewives of Atlanta. I may not be in Real Housewives of Atlanta, but I made more this year than I did last year. Was that Sheena? Yeah. She not Atlanta? Well, I watched an Atlanta Braves game, so I don't know why I'm not on the Real House with Atlanta. I may be bubbly, but if she has more than one glass of me, he's in trouble. And me and my trainer are now turning off the podcast. Okay, so I always noticed something new in the opening and this week I don't know why, but Cynthia Bailey never goes out of style. Girl, you don't go out of style like khaki pants don't. They were never really in style, but they're always on dads. It's like a Tommy Bahama shirt. Well, it never really was out of style either. It just sort of exists in a certain market. You're like, what a pretty flower pattern for a Golden Girls pillow, you know, it's like why is that man wearing it? It's like underwear. Yeah, it doesn't go out of style because you sort of need it, but although we don't really need Cynthia Bailey, so I don't know what she is. I'm always in style like beige because any you can put any kind of furniture in me and it'll work. It's like, Oh, Cynthia, she's like suspenders. They don't really go out of style, but you don't always need them. You can find a workaround. And wearing them too much just makes you look fat anyway. It's like, I hanging out with Cynthia, I'm going to look like the fat one. They're going to be like, who's that generic person with the fat guy? And people, and if you wear them with like shorts, people would be like, why are you wearing suspenders? They question your existence. She is totally a pleated pair of doctors. That's Cynthia in a nutshell. That's Cynthia in a JCPenney shell, okay? She's a macrame vest. No, because that's even a throwback to a better time. She's just like always there because even when they had macrame vest, they had khaki parents too. Maybe she's a dickie. No. Bikies go out of style. Dikies come and go khaki parents are always there. No one knows if you're wearing a dickie. That's the whole point. The only thing that changes about khaki parents is like the waist, like the yeah, the pleat and the waist cut. Like if it's a low waist or a hard waist, mom jeans or Catholic school cut. My dad had a sex. I remember recently I was wearing a pair of non pleated pants and my dad was like, why aren't they pleated? I was like, because pleats are not in. They like really bad. My dad's like, but they're classic. I was like, no dad. No pleats. He's like, well, I think you should get pleats. It's like a real sticking point for him. Same reason we're not all sitting around watching. I love Lucy. Okay. It's over. Let it go people. Let it go. Well, not khaki pants. Keep the khaki pants. I really like the dad waist on khaki pants like when they're pulled up above the love handle and then the pleat makes you look like you have the mom pouch. I always think that's so funny. I'm like, do these guys try these on like are they doing this on purpose because they're accentuating the pouch. Got to accentuate the positive. He limbed an eighth negative latch on to the affirmative. Don't mess a mister in between. Well, now that we've discussed khaki pants fully, I think it's time to go outside and enjoy the sun and, you know, the world. Bye. Thanks everyone for listening. Thank you. Patreon. There are seven more candles. So I know we didn't. Oh, remember mine. Okay. So we're still on the boat. Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, boat, boat drama, boatgate 2015. I wrote down the first line because I promised myself to not write too many notes today. So this wouldn't be 10 hours because like, why does it need to be? But I had to write down the first line, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. It was like my laundry lady realizing that one of her employees is pouring bleach in the wrong washer. Oh my God. You just lit three menoras. Full menoras. That was 24 candles. It was like those ladies outside of bars in Hollywood. So good. So this weird fight between Portia and Cynthia, it's like it's still not making sense. Like if you thought a week of a break would help us make sense of it, I don't get it. Yeah. All I know is that if she stands up, it's going to be another situation. You know, mommy, to stand up. You don't want me to stand up. Do you want me to get out of my seat? I won't stand up. You don't want me to stand up. Okay. Please don't stand up. Please. No, what's going to happen? But it sounds horrible. Just stop saying it. Stop even saying standing up. If I stand up in the ass, give me another situation too. If I stand by the railing, never stand by the wall. So then it turns into this weird attack where they're both saying random things like, hold on, hold on, hold on, girl, they're like not saying anything, it's just gibberish at this point. And then the Porsche starts poking Cynthia on the nose, which she paid a lot of money for that. It's like tapping a key on someone's least Bentley Porsche. Yeah. Yeah. You don't do that. So Cynthia, I don't know. There was a threat of getting up. I don't know what happened. So then there was a kick. Swats the hand. Right? Well, because Porsche was like, is this how you want him to be? Is this how you want him to be? Is this how it's going to be? Is this how you want it? You should have someone saying it over and over and over again. Cynthia Swats, then Porsche gets up sort of, she sort of starts to rise. There's like a knee that's generally heading into the Bayley zone. And so then Cynthia Bayley does like my patented move from when I was nine years old, which is I just go kick to the midsection. Get away. That was my move. You come near me. I'm gonna kick at you. So, so funny. So then you get a shot of 2D's face going, which is basically 2D drops a small ziplock bag of snacks on the floor. Little nuts and raisins fall in slow motion and clatter on the boards of the deck. A granable poops to the ground. It's basically like the end of usual suspects when the coffee mug falls. It's just 2D looking at the fight and little trail mix sending onto the ground. Cuz you're so say he's a granimal. I don't even know what a granimal is, but I can figure it out. I can figure, I know what it is just what you're saying. It's a graham cracker animal cookie. That's what I figured. It's like it has a broken leg, but then all of a sudden the part of the leg comes back to it. And it like heads off to it. It's like a granimal. Oh my god, we're gonna be here all day. 2D looks at her library book on the cover. Something about bitch and then she realizes that when Portia said bitch, she was just reading her library book cover. It was all made up from the life. Oh Kevin Spacey, remember when we all wanted to fuck ya? Okay, so this fight was so funny because of course we all know where it's going with that pointing starts on the nose, you know, so then now they've just hired a football team for the show. There's no such thing as like some fat PA eating a Frito while the scene's shooting. It's now a football team of people waiting for these bitches to go crazy. So Cynthia gets kicked and they don't attack. I mean Cynthia kicks Portia and they don't attack her. They attack Portia because they know it's coming and she gets tackled. I swear to god Cynthia had a taser in her shoe because when Portia went down, she was writhing underneath that pH. Like freaking out breathing hard, going crazy, shaking on the ground like the exorcist. Oh my god that shit was hilarious. Except the exorcist, the devil, except in this case the devil's trying to get out of her body and she's trying to keep it in. I was like whoa, it's eating split piece soup, it's like please. She's trying to turn her neck around, the devil's like stop it, stop it, got to get out, got to get the 2D. I'm sucking the soup off the floor just please get me out of here. I picked the wrong body. No one ever thought about what the devil goes through. Oh god, of all the bodies to get into. God's laughing, like haha tricked you. Candy like she just needs a deal though. I love how like Candy's on the other end of the boat being like, see, I found over there. Candy's new favor, it's not new because she's been doing it forever, I don't know why I'm just noticing it, but I'm not 2D. Candy just scratches her weave line like right in the corner of, but right in the middle of her head. It's like something where the weave is stapled to her hair or whatever and whenever she gets confused or annoyed, that finger, it's like one thing, her index finger just scratches that weave and moves it around a little bit, I laughed so hard because she did it like 10 times this episode. And then of course, Kenya makes it all about her immediately. She's like, I remember when this happened to me, I've seen her this rabbit before, when she attacked me for no reason at the reunion. Of course, Kenya just waiting for that moment to be like, well, you know, she's an animal. I mean, I know what it's like to be on the receiving end of that. It's not easy. Shut up. Shut up, Kenya. Keep going though. It's not going again. It's something in Candy or talking and Candy's like, what's going on? I wish I could get my voice that high, but I can never do Candy. You have to do that, okay? So she's saying what happened in Cynthia's like, well, she was in my face and then I was trying to get her off me and I kicked her and Candy goes, oh, so you hit her. And then Cynthia like whips her head around because Candy is already picking, picking sides or whatever, which, you know, is true. I mean, come on. Get off her ass, lady. We're just yelling at her about nothing. Like that made no sense. Yeah. So everybody's so confused. And then Portia, we're all thinking at this point, okay, Portia was just riding on the ground. But to be fair, maybe she, I don't know, is having a bad reaction to sugar. I don't know what the fuck's wrong with Portia. Like she's losing it. She's learning new facts and when she doesn't take new facts easily, she's like, this is more knowledge. This point, the guy who tackled her is lying on top of her. Her legs are spread out and he's lying on top of her with his entire body. All of his body weight. And they like, and they cut to the go-go boys, by the way, the go-go boys are standing there with a concerned look on their face. I love that. Like, Oh dear, what about the go-go boys? I know. They're like, where's our dollars? I hope that they look in her pockets to see if there's any dollars before they kick her off this boat. Yeah. So they're here before she starts screaming, she starts freaking out. She's lost everything. She's lost husbands and businesses and everything she has and now she wants me to lose it too. I'm like, you already lost your husband. You never had a business. What is she worried about your lease? She did not kick you so you'd lose your Bentley lease. Okay, weirdo. And I don't know how like you getting kicked in the stomach and then winding up my chest lounge or the producer on top of you equates to you losing everything. I mean, I understand that when you later on got bruises, you had to take three days off of work for your bruises. But I don't really think you're in general, you're going to lose everything. I mean, I get that can you kicked in the house that Cordell could have put a baby in. Yeah. But you know, on the bright side, you are right now lying there with a man in between your legs. Make the most out of it, Tom. Yeah. You could have turned this into a Hanukkah candle and you didn't. Yeah. Yeah. Come on, just take, get that Hanukkah candle lit like the menorah baby in the dreidel. So Candy and Sheray standing over there talking about the fight while it's going on was just making me laugh so hard because Sheray is acting like she's so calm. She's like, what? They were fine. Why would they find it? What? What? Why would they do that? They don't even have any beef. They're like a hamburger and a vegan restaurant. No beef. With a beef. Yeah. I like also because Sheray, as I think we talked about this last week, she has two voices. She has a calm, she has like a calm, clipped voice, which talks like this, look like this. And then she has like this weird guttural excited voice where she's like, whoa! She comes in the branch going, what are you even saying? It sounds like she's like throwing up, but I love Sheray. At some point during this, I think it was at this part of the show, maybe it was when Portia was yelling things, she was, I think it was when you were talking about it right now how Cynthia's losing this or that. That's when, that's when Sheray, she just goes, girl, shut up. I recorded that. Oh no, that was later at the branch because they were trying to have a discussion and then it turned into Kenya like, no, thank you, oh, we'll get to that later and Sheray is like shut up, so well, I mean, it could work for any scene of the show, really, because Sheray is the Greek chorus at this point. Shut up. Says America. Yeah. So in this part, Candie's just, she lifts that finger to the weave again and she's like, this is bullshit, bullshit. And then we cut to Kenya in the bottom of the boat, comforting Cynthia, who's freaking out, she's like, I can't believe I did that, I'm not someone who does that, who hits somebody. And Kenny goes, honey, I know what you mean, because they were mean to me the whole time on this. She turns everything into her. Everything into her. I've been there, honey. Suicide hotline. You want to kill yourself, well, I'm sorry, your father did that to you, but someone came to my party and drank the shampoo. I mean, if someone wants to kill themselves, this should be me, girl. Kenya, thank you for calling 911 with your emergency. My house is on fire. Well, Sheray's house isn't even built. So maybe you could tell the fire to move over there and do this neighborhood a favor because neighbors are complaining. Peter and Cynthia, Cynthia, I need to talk to Peter. Oh, yeah, speaking of miscommunications and getting kicked in the stomach over and over again, she's like, you have to come home. I'm sorry. That's, this is the one time I think I've ever been on Peter's side. He does not have to drive, go back all the way from Charlotte to Atlanta because you kicked Porsche. Yeah. The real reason why she wanted Peter to come back probably is because she was probably afraid that it might be some legal ramification because, you know, these women are also trigger happy with calling the police and saying it's an assault, isn't assault. So she probably was like, we need to circle the wagons and come up with a story. Peter, why would you want Peter as your witness? He's like the worst witness ever. He would never tell the truth. He's like, well, yeah, she said the stomach heart, but it's not because she kicked her in the stomach. It's because she got enough and slid it and cut it and opened it up and I'm selling coffee out of it. Peter brew. What are you even talking about? You fucking moron. You're not testifying for anybody. Okay. Peter, be quiet. Never happened. You know, a lot of, a lot of people got kicked in the stomach, it's, you know, it's what happens. And so, you know, it's like, you know, when you play football, you get kicked in the stomach sometimes and it is football, you know, it's football right here. So, you know, she just, she just, she just loved Porsche and she wanted Porsche to give her a foot massage. Totally innocent. Innocent. He's awful. So, um, and then I believe was this one, Tanya, like comes upstairs. Oh, no, wait a minute. No, this is when kimpy cries starts crying. I just wrote tootie cries. LOL. Yeah. She starts crying, but how could it go there? I, I am, for some reason, I am loving Kim Fields on this, you know, I said it last week. I repeat it this week. I love how she is such a star contrast these women. Like she can't deal. And I love when she's like, I just want to go on a boat with my book and my snacks. It's, have you ever known a teacher, like do you know any teachers in real life? Yeah. I know a teacher who lives here in L.A. when she first moved here, she moved from the Midwest. And when she first moved here, she was assigned to school in the public school system and she went, you know, of course, when you're new, they assign you to like the worst, scariest parts of the city. And she came back just looking terrified and she started crying and I said, what is wrong? Are you okay? Wasn't work nice? They're animals, they're animals just, just that look on her face was what Kim looked like. She was like, oh my God. What are these people? What are they doing to each other? How could people be so good? I know Porkin Fields, she's normally around, I assume, normal people and not craving reality stars. Do you know Blair and Joe went at it back in the day, like Blair got his hairspray and Joe's eye or something and Joe's like, you're looking, we're going to go back down to headband because that would have got me in the odd bitch. And she's like, whatever, whatever, mister, whatever, sir, oh yeah, you want to fight? And then too, he was like, I'm sure that, I'm sure that Charlotte Ray called Clorox Leachman a C word once in a while too, you know what I'm saying? It's a little call back to the Golden Girls bonus episode, tune in to find out what we're talking about. This is Garrett, Tootie's a cunt. Whoa, spin off, spin off, candy shop, build the candy shop. It's kind of funny if you think about it, like Tootie is so sheltered on this show, you know, she's just, it seems like she's been living under a rock her whole life, but you know, she was there sharing the stage with George Clooney and Chlorox Leachman and you know, Queen Latifah in her career and how she is just on a boat crying with her snacks on the floor. Oh, and you know George Clooney is somewhere watching like, oh, Jesus, poor Tootie. He's like, I guess I better put her in a role in Siriana too, just to save her. He got the two bigger, better, more Siriana-ish, Tootie, Siriana. So Tootie gets deep, so Tootie's wait, first she's crying and then she's like, I'll take my kids and my book. And sure he goes, you got another book? Chlorie's mind is blown and then they cut at that point, they did cut to the go-go dancer again, and he was laughing this time, I was like, oh good, the go-go dancer's feeling better. If you want to get a go-go dancer to laugh, you can just mention a book. Works every time. Large print darling, large print. So Tootie starts getting deep and going through this monologue of how she just can't believe that people would treat each other like that, follow human beings, and Chlorie's just cracks at her, love it. So Tootie goes, tomorrow they're going to wake up and they're going to be sad when they think about what they did today and how they behaved. I'm like, no, they're not. They're going to wake up tomorrow and call their producer and say, you better make sure that shit was in there because if I got a bruise on my stomach for nothing, I'm going to be pissed. They're like, you take the good, you take the bad, you throw out the good, and there you have the facts of Atlanta. Well, Tootie's fighting back with her hair. She's like, really? You want to see some, you want to see some personality? I'll change my hair. It's like, okay, Tootie, you go, you go girl. So Tammy has disappeared. Last we saw her, she was like doggy paddling in the water alone. The life vest, yeah, you were the life vest. And people were sick of her. My husband is a Nazi stories. So she's gone. But then we find out that she's been downstairs terrified the whole time. And she comes out like that kid in a horror movie that's been hiding under the bed the whole time. Well, my favorite thing is when she came out, she's like, they're like, they're like, they're like, hey man, where are you? And she was like, I was in the bathroom. And she's like, I mean, you know, like changing and stuff, I was like, no, you were taking the shit, Tammy. You were taking a shit during this entire thing. My husband ran over someone with a lawnmower one time and I missed the whole thing because I was pooping. So it's my thing, it's what I do. Her Rapunzel braid got sucked into the toilet by accident, took some time to extricate it. So Tammy, good old Tammy, Tammy is going to be fun. I'm excited for more Tammy. Next week, not to jump at it, but next week, oh, that's going to be fun when Shiree goes at it with Tammy. Did you sleep with Bob? What? Did you sleep with Bob? What? Did you sleep with Bob? What? Did you sleep with Bob? What? Oh gosh. Did you sleep with Bob? Did you sleep with Bob? Did you sleep with Bob? Did you sleep with Bob? Did you sleep with Bob? Did you sleep with Bob? Did you sleep with Bob? Did you sleep with Bob? Did you sleep with Bob? Did you sleep with Bob? Did you sleep with Bob? Did you sleep with Bob? Did you sleep with Bob? Did you sleep with Bob? Did you sleep with Bob? Oh gosh. Did you sleep with Bob? Did you sleep with Bob? Did you sleep with Bob? Did you sleep with Bob? Did you sleep with Bob? Did you sleep with Bob? Did you sleep with Bob? Did you sleep with Bob? And Tammy is such a teenager. I'd love her reaction to everything. Okay, Porsha and Shamea. It is pronounced Shamea Ben. They said Shamea today. They said Shamea actually. Shamea? Okay. I listened. Now we're at Porsha and Shamea. And it's this big dramatic scene. It's like we're in the ER, which, I mean we could be anywhere really. We're a hundred miles from Atlanta in Porsha's rental or whatever, and they're trying to make it this lifetime scene where she's like, "Girl, how you doing?" Porsha's like, "Oh, I'm so sore." Shut up. And then mom comes over and dresses to the knives. Oh, you bet. Okay. This is after the boat step. Okay. After they went up on their little life boat, and we're like, "Bap, bitches," or whatever they said. Oh, what did they say? I think I was still laughing so hard at Tammy, like, "Is everything okay? Because I was so scared to come out of the bathroom. I heard stuff out here. It scared me." They, I don't remember, they just said, "They gone a little bit." And they said something disparaging. And sure, I was like, "What is that? Who said that? Whoa, whoa, whoa." But then someone said they'll make funny, and then Shraylaat. No big deal. So going forward to what you were saying. Sounds like a morning I slept in, so my Nazi husband took an axe to the bed. So funny. You hear my son's song, "Mafrico" and "Rico"? There it is. It's the dive, the dump, the jump. I don't know. So it's his portions to me a scene, and they're trying to be all dramatic. And then, of course, look, they know how to do it on Atlanta. Sorry, Vicki Gumbelson, but Portia is getting a pitty casserole. And, you know, her mom just happens to be stopping by with a buffet full of food. She's like, "Huge!" She's like, "I want to get in to Atlanta." She's like, "I want to get in to Atlanta." And then it's like a bus full of food out there. It was like a full-on craft service spread. Like, she came in, I was like, "Man, this is a woman I need to have in my neighborhood." I was like, "Oh, I have a stomach ache, all right, like, back up the thickormate food truck." She's going to take five hours to get ready as gorgeous as possible, and then show up with an entire golden corral. But I do see where she's going with that, because we are in a Portia scene. And so you know the football team is just standing off camera waiting to pounce. So she's got to feed a lot of people. Yes. "I want to keep you boys big and strong." So it's like a big victim thing. And then, Shamiya is telling the mom, she's like, "I just don't understand," she's talking in that voice that you talk to your parents, friends, or your friends' parents with when you've all done something wrong. I just, we didn't mean to steal your car. We just thought we were having a heart attack, and we needed to get to the hospital and didn't want to wake you up, ma'am." She has that voice, and she's like, "I don't get it, it just came out of nowhere." Get out of here. You know what? There's a reason that your name is Shame with an A at the end. It's Shame spelled wrong. Shame on you. Shame on your name. Shame on you lying to Portia's mom and still eating her free food. Shame on you. My favorite part about this scene, and I already mentioned it earlier, was when Portia was showing her, you know, her injuries. So she had bruises all along her arm, which I think actually came more from the producer tackling her on the chair, and then she had allegedly a bruise on her stomach that you couldn't see on camera, but, okay, so maybe there was a bruise there. She's like, "Yeah, I had to take off two days of work." I'm like, "What?" Saturday and Sunday. Yeah. I'm like, "You were not in traction, okay? Get your ass to work." I mean, LOL, she doesn't really have a job, but I can only imagine what her shady gay must have been thinking. When you saw that, he must have been making, he was like sitting there, patting his sweat away and looking off to the side all angry. She has a job, how dare you? She has a job editionation, and she drives an hour each way. Thank you very much. But she's rented a mobile home to go there, and whenever that thing is, she's driving. Okay, so my favorite scene of this is that Portia did her monologue. I love when Portia gets dramatic, because she goes full on colorful purple. It's like, if Squeak actually had a monologue in the color purple. I was supporting her, who this woman, Hapo? I have supported Cynthia. I know everything about Peter. I could open the floodgates and drown Uncle Ben. Like everybody doesn't have Instagram, okay? Yeah, exactly. Well, there's a reason why she was cast in a mother's love. I mean, she can do a monologue. It's probably exactly from mother's love. Yeah. You know, the sad... This is ridiculous! This is wrong, Cynthia! You know, the sad thing is that amidst all this craziness, I actually think that Portia is kind of right. I mean, Cynthia is going through shit. She is messed up in the head right now, because she is with a loser. Just the way that Cordell was a loser, Peter's a loser, is no surprise that Peter and Cordell have gone into business together. It's like a loser and loser incorporated. Yep. Except, in this case, Peter's not going to be the one changing the locks. It's going to be Cynthia this time. This time, the woman has the locksmith phone number, and Uncle Ben's going to be out there like, "Sootheel, it's raining, for a minute, I'm going to be rice!" He's holding up a boombox outside, except the boombox is like made of Peter's brew boxes. And the song is, "I just want to fuck somebody else." He's like, "I will drink a linear teenager for fun, but I love your hunt, cannot borrow $20, Peter's brew!" So, Portia goes on her monologue, and then she tells us, she's like, "But I can't thumb myself down anymore!" I'm like, "You literally cannot dumb yourself down anymore." Like, that's the first intelligent thing you've said in a year. Exactly. Like the scarecrow and the whiz, when the scarecrow is like, or the whiz says, "Oh, well, the fact that you know, that you don't know everything means that you actually are smart." It's like, "That's Portia, she's the scarecrow." She's like, "I know I'm dumb!" Portia and the Wizard of Oz is like the puddle at the end after they, oh, spoiler alert if you guys haven't seen it, but it's like the end when they throw water on the witch, and she becomes a puddle, and she's like, "I now think Portia would be the puddle there on the ground being like, 'Well, I can't be any more of a puddle than I--' It's like, yes, you've already been defeated, okay, stop talking, your monologue is over now. Same curtains. I think Portia is definitely the scarecrow, and the Tin Man would have to be, I feel like Shredra. Oh no. Oh yeah, Phaedra. Because Shredra will cry. Like, I mean, Phaedra will cry, but Phaedra is a fake cry. I don't believe a thing that's ever come out of Phaedra's mouth. I think Phaedra would be the fake cry. Yes, Cynthia is the lion, Cynthia is obviously the lion. And the-- No, Cynthia, you're just saying that because she's bait, like she stands for a bathe, you know, like khaki pants. No, because she's like, cowardly, like whenever she gets him to fight with someone, she always like crying afterwards, you know. No, because the lion never just stopped in the middle of the road and started beating the shit out of Dorothy for no reason. Listen, the lion would beat up on the scarecrow if the lion could, okay? No, the lion is Tammy. The lion is Tammy. He's like, I'm sorry, I'm within the bathroom. Oh, I think--I just think Tammy's one of the munchkins, ironically, because she's tall. Like, you dropped a house on that witch. That was so cool. Nini is obviously the Wicked Witch, and Kim is probably one of those poppies. Kim Zolsiak, that is a big fat poppy that puts you asleep. No, I think Nini is one of those evil trees that throws apples at the heroine, because every time someone's doing well, Nini's out there with an apple throwing them, like trying to strangle the people whether on the yellow brick road. She's like a mean, angry tree, you know, who's just loud and always trying to be the center of everything, but at the end of the day, she's just an old piece of bark. And Kim Fields is the yellow brick road, because she has big blonde hair, and everyone's probably going to walk all over her. I was going to say "total" just because she's always amazed, like a dog, like she's--you know how dogs are always saying something for the first time, like a baby? They're like, "Wow, something to smell, something to smell." It's like her. She's just going down this road. She has no idea why she's even on it, but she'll follow these bitches anyway. Yeah. I feel like it was Kenya, is she the whiz, or is she Dorothy, or is she-- No, because she stays the same when you pull that curtain back, like she's a fake bitch, but she's as much of a fake bitch in real life as she is, you know, like her reality is as fake as her fakery. Yeah, she's probably the wicked witch, because if you throw water on her, she'll probably get you arrested. I'm melting, I'm melting, like, "Oh, be quiet, Kenya, you're fine, it's just water." I'm melting. It's totally wicked, where the witch is the heroine in her own mind. Yeah. She's like, "I'm a played by a dean and man's cell." Flying hard, flying gravity, and who's gonna stop me? Squash. Stop, you bitch. Stop, yeah. Stop, yeah. So is Glendale, like Claudia Jordan, or something. See, let's do 1776 instead. We've run out of cast members to be in the whiz, so everyone, those roles have been eliminated. No more good witch, no more whiz, they're just walking down a yellow brick road for the fun of it. Yes, and you know what, I think that we just lit our first positivity Hanukkah candle. There was never any conflict in the Wizard of Oz, so it was never made. And then that lady who played Dorothy, which is the one in the movie, oh, Judy Garland, Judy Garland into the Wizard of Oz, so she didn't become as famous, so she didn't become a drunk, and she raised Liza to be happy, and so Liza never became a drunk, so Lorna left us happy. Now, the whole family is happy, and they're too happy to sing sad songs for us. The world has been robbed of Liza. Did you just butterfly affect the Wizard of Oz? I did, and I just lit a Hanukkah candle, and then went back in time and unlitted for the damage it calls. The Wizard of Oz, you quantum leaked it, and then butterfly affected it. Yes, Hanukkah killed Liza Minnelli's career. Thanks a lot, Hanukkah. Great show, great idea, Ben. By the way, my last comment on this is that I think that Deshawn Snow should be Dorothy. This is the nice person that everyone forgets. For season one, Dorothy's like, I'm having a fundraiser, and she raises like 25 cents. Oh, Deshawn. Oh, Deshawn. Oh, Deshawn, for a thing. The poor munchkins never get new clothes. Damn it! We're stuck on these striped socks forever. Thanks a lot, Dorothy, you loser. She gets canceled. All right. Okay. Before we teeter off into Oz ourselves. Where were we? Who cared? The play-by-play of what happened on the boat. Yes, this was great. It takes a village to tell a terrible story. Oh my god. By the time they got to the end of this, everybody was bloody and like, you know, like missing limbs. I know. So it starts with 2D. Who's 2D talking to? Hold on. Let me get down here. 2D was talking to Phaedra. Kim's like, "When did people turn so mean?" Phaedra's like, "Hmm, that lake is a mortuary on water. Mortuary with water on top." And 2D's telling it like, "And then they were so angry, they rose up, and then the first strike, and Phaedra's like, "Hmm, so what you guys ordered?" Did you end it? Did you get dessert? I hate when we leave before dessert, girl. I hope none of y'all brought a book on board. Then it cuts to Kenya telling Aunt Lori and some friend named Che. Why name your kid Che? That's, I mean, that's a very controversial name, Che. That meant it did a lot of very controversial things. I don't know that you want to put your kid on either side. I think that's one choice you should let your kid decide later. So Kenya's telling it, of course, poor Aunt Lori's must be always shocked when she watches this show, because the way that Kenya tells a story is always so different than how it really happened. I know. Kenya's like, "I was merely stuffing envelopes with money to send to children in Africa when all of a sudden, Porsche took out two giant knives and started swinging at all of us." She's like, "I was married to Rob Lowe. And we had a beautiful, perfect life. And then I started suspecting that he was crazy. So I started looking into it, and he was, but then he knew I knew. And he started chasing me through the house with the knife. It's like, "Okay, lifetime. Cut it out." Lori's like, "I think I've seen this with Meredith Baxter." I love that on Candy Side, Don Juan, he just goes, "He is like, he is, got something up his ass this season." I mean, he always does, but there's like twice the amount of it this time, because he just gets all in a tizzy about stuff he's not even involved with. I mean, we wouldn't know anything about that. But he really does. He just starts getting all mad. He gets all Tom and Jerry with, with Candy. I'm like, "Don Juan." He's like, "What? What do you have to do with her?" He's like, "Screwing me." Yeah. He's like, "No, I'm two months pregnant." I was like, "Don Juan." And Candy's so good at telling a story, because everyone else is telling their own stupid live version, and then, well, not Judy, but she's telling kind of an innocent version, and then it cuts to Candy, and Candy is like, "And then the bitch pulled off her shoe and smacked her in the face with it, and it was amazing!" They're like cheering over at Candy's house, so good. And then, let's see here, Candy retelling amazing. I wrote, "Can you out of protecting herself? Cuts and bruises and broken ribs?" Oh, yeah. Fager telling it. She's like, "Girl, poor Porsche had a cut from the beginning of her vagina all the way to her chin. She was missing an arm, she was bleeding from the butt, and she had a bruise on her knee." And Judy's like, "Wait a second. I didn't see anybody get filleted." And she's like, "That's what I heard? That's going in the report to the judge in the morning." Aunt Lori's terrible advice. She needs to be a radio doctor. She would just send people, like, right onto the freeway. I think what you should do is have another party so that you can all be one again and realize that there's no negativity. Have you seen this show, Aunt Lori? How many seasons have you been on now? Do you see what happens when these women all get together? See? Nah. Aunt Lori. Haven't at Kenya's house, so she can finally have that thing demolished properly and start anew. I don't want this to be a setback. Kenya is so full of shit. Okay. She's trying to be like Dr. Phil over here. Peter shows up back at Cynthia's condo. That's what I'm calling it these days. He pulls up in a chauffeured car and I was like, "You know, it's a shooting day." And that's not like a Hertz rental, you know? Yeah, exactly. It's not a Dodge Dart. So he immediately chooses Portia's side. Yeah. He's like, "Well, how about did you hurt her?" He's like, "Would you stop saying it?" He's like, "Well, so like, how much Peter's brush should we send her?" No. No. Could you stop saying that I hurt her? Like, this is on TV. I don't want that to be a lawsuit. Oh, so we won't talk about how much you hurt her. Peter, stop it. Okay. Did you feel the heel in the back of her spine? Tell me. What was it like to hurt her so bad? Stop it. Did it feel good to make her bleed on the inside? How did it feel to make her reproductive organs fall apart? Peter. I'm going to write a book about it called "Bloody on the Inside." Oh, it's like me. She's like, "Yeah, could you have blood inside of you? Stupid." Oh, yeah. Well, the thing that came out of the scene is that, A, Peter's dumb, B, Cynthia's dumb, and C, these people are meant for each other because Cynthia's like, "You know, all I really needed was my husband, and he was there for me, and I actually feel like this kind of brought us closer together." It's like, "What?" Well, it's a one-time Cynthia's admitted that she's ever been wrong, so even though it had nothing to do with Peter, he got to be there to see it, and so it counts. He's like, "Look at you, admitting you did something wrong, so, wow, let's make out." Like the first time she's ever admitted anything because she is never wrong, but anybody who has ever been mad at me please gather round so I can admit that I was wrong this one time on something. It's stupid, Cynthia. So, "Candy and Dr. Jackie, boring." Okay, so this scene, when we're talking about to the depths of Bravo will stoop, that was in our subscriber question. This is pretty low, I thought, where they go to see the baby, and first of all, Dr. Jackie is in scrubs and not wearing a polka dot dress or something fashionable. She's like, "I already did the first scene, now I'm back to work because that's what I do, work." So she's there, "Candy's getting the baby, check up on the baby," and the machine starts going over her stomach, which I think is freshly shaved because she had like shaved bumps on her stomach and I was like, "Oh, poor candy, poor candy can never win on this show." So they're like shaving her stomach or whatever, and then they decide to listen to the baby and they can't hear anything, and she's like, "Ugh, done, done, done," and the baby's just all quiet. How Riley was in the womb, too, she's like, "I'm here," and I was like, "Could you please get that thing off your mind, the womb?" Thanks. "Please get those headphones off of your stomach, they're hurting my ears." So I'm just imagining like, "Fetus Riley has like a little stage inside the womb, see? Now we give Riley a storage in the womb." Even on the mic, you can never hear her, she's like, "Riley, turn up the microphone, Riley." We love Riley, so but the thing is, okay, so in the middle of this, it's like a potentially scary moment, at least the way they edit it. "Is Candy's baby dead?" "We'll be right back after this detergent commercial." Yeah, and then Todd is like, "Oh, I gotta take a phone call, I'll be outside." It's like, "What, Todd, what are you doing taking a phone call during your wife's checkup?" Well, pressing ignore doesn't bring a baby back, Ben, okay, in fairness to men. True. Okay, and he's like, "Thanks a lot." So then they eventually hear this, "Darth Vader, she's gonna be friends with Darth Vader." There are a lot of Star Wars tie-ins, but I was not expecting one with her womb. "Candy, the only person with a successful housewives business on this show is making Star Wars." She's like, "I'll fix Star Wars." She's like, "Got an endorsement from LucasArts." But it has a lot in common, in the end, it's all like parental issues, you know? Yeah, that's true. So anyway, that scene was like a nothing, the baby's alive. The baby's alive, and it's Darth Vader, and then it turned out to be alive, and then they were looking at it, and then Tod came back in, and he's like, "Oh my god, babe. The baby's already tall as me." Oh, man. That baby's tall. See, babe? Next scene. Next. Okay, so baby already is tall as Tod. Okay, "Candy Echo laugh." They did some weird thing at the end of the scene where she's like, "Ah-ha-ha." And then they made it echo like, "I almost made me snor--" That almost made me snor for me. I was sipping on my style books. And I swear to god that I literally just almost snorfed, but you were like, "Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha." What was that? It was so creepy. She always does. But why would they repeat it three times? It was so creepy. It was like the end of a horror scene. I'm like, "We did just look at a baby, right?" You guys had us worrying about like, fetal death. Like, Tod's business deal, his height, and now it's ending with this creepy thing. Okay, Phaedra and her kids, she's like pretending she's ever there. Okay, Phaedra was like, "Aiden remembers because he's old enough. But Dylan, you know, he was so young. All he knows is that there was a shadowy figure walking around with a screw gun without a head in it. He's going to grow up his whole life wondering who that man was and what he was trying to screw in without a screw head. You know what I mean? I actually felt like after the boat scene, so many of the scenes in this episode were just nothing. Like, nothing happened. This whole episode. It was like, "Okay, there's Aiden making a snow cone, Aiden, who is still so cute and so smart. I love that little boy." And it was just like one scene after another, it was just me, it was nothing happening this episode. And nothing really happens on the show, they just scream in the air and then in the middle of it, they go, "We need to have a time where we can make up." And then they make up and then they all hug and then they go scream in the air the next week, someplace else. Yeah, because then there was a scene of Porsche and Kenya, they go to a dessert place and they are sort of fighting, sort of not, and there's this family from the Midwest sitting behind Kenya staring at them and they keep turning around while they're chewing. Did you see that? I don't know what restaurant, it was like at the food court, what restaurant was that? I don't know, they were at like some dessert place at a food court, it was like big and there were a lot of people and there were a lot of continuity errors because you could see everyone around them. It was like the one time they shoot a housewives conversation where other people are in the restaurant and so you could see it was like Midwest family, every time they cut to Kenya, Midwest family, Midwest family, then suddenly Asian girl, then Midwest family, then Asian girl. And the person sitting behind Porsche was all actory, he was like pretending that he was really deep in his conversation, he was like, "Yeah, bro, yeah, thinking about it." And you could tell he wanted to be on camera, he loitered there because there were like three different tables that went past Kenya, but there was that one guy behind Porsche the entire time with the fight to break out. I just thought it was so funny that they're fighting in the food court because those bitches aren't going to pay. So you know they're going to meet somewhere like, "Okay, I'll meet you at Subarros for this fight because we are not going to go to Figum all of today, okay?" So I mean, basically the gist of that scene was Kenya was doing this faux sympathy to Porsche. She's like, "I want to make sure you're okay, you know, I want to make sure I want to have this thing." And Porsche is like, "I don't trust you." So my Porsche impersonation, I don't know why I try it every single week. I used to have one. I used to have my own-- Mommy terrible too. But it sometimes sounds like her. When she gets really mad. I know. Yeah, so Kenya's trying to be the doctor and then Porsche is being defensive and she's like crying because Kenya's mean and then they're like trying to work it out but Kenya's such a bitch and Porsche, I have to hand it to Porsche because in the fight on the boat, really I thought she was going to keep calm until she went full on Hulk. She did lose it but it took her longer and you can see that she's trying to not lose it, you know. And she was right when she was talking to Kenya, which is like, "I don't trust you. I don't trust your motives." And you know, you were the one who created a negative energy in the first place but you know, whatever. It's hilarious that Kenya kind of starts all this shit by being shady behind everybody's back and then it blows up and then she's like, "See, I'm here to help." It's like a doctor who's always knocking people in the knees with a baseball bat so he has someone to charge for a cast, fucking Kenya. So Kenya is trying to fix everything out and finally she just has to talk on Porsche's level. It's like, "Look, you got in a fight, you say you're sorry." Cynthia doesn't know what to say. It's like, if you kick everybody in the stomach, right, if you kick somebody in the stomach and you don't say you're sorry, then you're going to not have anybody to kick in the stomach next time because Porsche is not going to be there. If you say you're sorry, she'll come back and you still have somebody to kick in the stomach. Otherwise, you're just going to be at parties kicking innocent people in the stomach and it all kind of made sense in the circle and they all decided that they would let Kenya broker this very important deal in the Middle East. Yeah. Well. And it's like, "Can't we send our rebel forces in?" I'm like, "Just stop." No one even understands what this war is about. I mean, it is very similar. We're like, "All these forces fighting, but we're like, what's the surprise?" Like a terrible rental, 100 miles from town, a husband who leaves you in cheats. Get out of here. You both lose. Okay. Now hug. A tutti is looking so uncomfortable. Nobody will talk about it with her and she's trying to be the mom, but people don't work things out like that on this show. Well, she's like, "I want to get through this as quickly as possible because I got to get to carpool." Yeah, carpool. I've missed carpool so much, I'm just pretending I'm in it right now. I'm just sitting here and letting this all pass over me like it's all a good thing. Someone just gave me a Sesame Street steering wheel. I'm going to put it on the table and we're all going to be in my imaginary car. I'm going to turn my back to you guys. I want you to pull down the screen above you and watch the little mermaid until we get home. Okay. Oh, you know, she hates how this is interfering with carpool. Oh, God. Her carpool is like sitting there pretending to honk the horn. She's like, "Oh, those kids will be out soon. Those little rascals." What is she doing? Handing out little boxes of five alive, everyone at the table. Why does she keep slamming her tuna steak? She's like, "Sorry, someone was not moving in front of me because they were on their phone in the carpool line." So that's how that goes. Like in the middle of the conversation, she flings her arm out onto Candie's chest. She's like, "Ooh." Almost had to stop short. She's like, "Whoa, putting on my yellow vest and slowly bringing down a stop sign in the middle of the road. We're going to let some children cross." All right. Everybody take a deep breath. What are you listening to? Why aren't you paying attention? It's a book on tapes. Mommy time. Mommy time. So she finally comes in. She's like, "Oh, I'll do it." I can't do it. If they're all kind of hugging you in that way, you kind of lean back and hug. It's like you're pulling it to you, but also pulling away from it to you. Notice how they made her sit all the way at the end of the table. Like friends of have to sit at the very ends of the table. The main cast is always in the center because there were a whole bunch of seats next to Tutti. And Shire comes in and she sits all the way in the corner like, "Oh, they put Shire in the corner." Nobody puts Shire in the corner. And no one wants to sit by Mom either because she's just sitting there. You know she's going to yell at everybody. It's like, "Someone didn't clean the counters." You know, it's like, "I found the crumbs behind the cookie jar. Nice job cleaning the counters, kid." So they sit down and it's totally silent and Tutti's like, "Now that we're all together, I would love talking about the other day. I went to a library. I picked out a book. It was stamped with a date." That date is now blurred because you bitches splashed water on my bag. I don't even know when it's too bad or if I'm going to be able to finish that bug." They're like, "Uh, yeah, shut up Tutti." So they go talk privately. And then their private talk was like, "I have no idea what happened, me neither." Okay, I think it was your fault. Okay, yeah, it was your fault. Okay, we agree that it's your fault. Totally agree that it was your fault. Okay, so let's go back to just like, I guess, dealing with each other until dinner's over. Okay, great. And then everybody applauds. And then candy, meanwhile, outside is, you know, because Kenya is talking about whatever and candy is like, "See, now, Kenya, like, see a real good at pointing out what other people did wrong, but you don't really necessarily like it when people tell you about what you did to a situation." And Ken's like, "Well, candy, I feel like maybe, like, you don't have my back." I was like, "Well, she's lucky to have an advocate like you. I wish that you could have been my advocate when I was getting kicked in the face." She doesn't have the word "just proving her point. You realize this." Kenya's an idiot. I love it. And candy is not taking her shit, and I would also like to point out that I'm not sure if the first episode opened like this, but candy is now holding the center peach. Was she that before? Wasn't it Kenya before? I never paid attention. I think that after that time when Kenya was like, "Don't mess with the queen, honey." And then now, candy just told Kenya to shut the fuck up. It's like they're passing the peach around, they're like, "Okay, candy has the talking peach. She has the center peach." Someone better make sure they don't drop a rock on someone's head. Jesus, take the wheel and drive fast. That's faitre. I'm excited for next week. Next week, they're going to Miami and it looks like all shit hits the fan. All the shit hits the fan. 2D better watch out. Yes. And you know who also better watch out? The Cynthia that is on the front of Cynthia's shirt because she was wearing the shirt with her own face, Lonnie. That was what I was paying attention to most. I'm like, I think it was for the Bailey agency. I think it said the Bailey agency under it. I could be wrong, but I was like, "Why are you wearing a t-shirt of yourself?" Not only is it the past that you're probably wearing also on new boobs, it's like you're wearing, you're wearing evidence of your old face. That's never a good thing. It's like leaving fingerprints behind on purpose, Donnie. I think it's her same face. I think she's just not in tip-top model shape anymore. It could look like a different face when it's rumbled over your boobs. What if she drops mustard or something on her face? It's like her old face just covered in shit. What are you going to wear a bib? Don't wear your own face. What if voodoo dolls are real? You're just hurting yourself. That's it for Atlanta. Well, Ben, I would like to talk about something with you. Yes, I would like to, I'm very open to hearing about it. Shall I get myself free to get out of this? I really hate when people from the outside world start talking about something and like a topic that I'm interested in and then I have to go home and search for it and then I have to like find a decent article and then if I find a magazine I click on the magazine and then all these ads pop up and I'm watching videos about paper towels like healing people's lives and I never get to story then. 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Order this fantastic gift for you or love one before December 31st. Yes, try texture for free right now when you go to texture.com/crapins. So do you want to touch on Top Chef a little bit? We don't have to go in a full on recap shit because the show is so much food right now and we're not really even sure what the personalities are. I was super sad about the second episode of Top Chef because I never got to see the overly nice person go crazy. What? Sassy Chef? Oh, sassy chef. Whenever somebody says I'm the positive sassy, I see no reason to be miserable. Let's be happy. I just want to see their lives ruined and she got kicked off. I didn't get to see it. I know. I kind of felt bad. I wish she'd stuck around a little bit more because she showed a good amount of personality. I was laughing when they showed pictures of her. At one point she was talking about how she has, she's like, I have a garden where I grow things at my restaurant and they show these pictures of her in like a chef's jacket wearing nothing underneath. Like, what the hell is going on here? She's like, I'm the sexy chef because she lost, I think, 30 pounds or something. And as happens with anybody who loses any kind of weight, I mean, for me, it could be like literally a pound in all fucks in neighborhood. But usually people lose like 10 or 15 pounds and then suddenly they're in bikinis like really like you don't have to hate your body, but I don't need you loving it so much on my Facebook page either calm down over there, sexy chef. Yeah. I actually want to. I know. I wanted the Mexican team to lose because they were really cocky and I really, I'd love one. Okay, Mr. Trump, you just keep going there. You want the Mexicans getting down. They didn't ask for advice from the chef Garcia and they should have and well, thankfully Kwame saved them. Finally, Kwame got a little bit of respect from the judges because he deserves some respect last on the previous episode. Yeah, they gave him respect for saving the team. That was funny when they're like, would you all have? So for those of you who don't watch, Top Chef was kind of restaurant wars, but they didn't have to build a whole restaurant this time. They did a pop-up shop and it was in Ludo. It's like, oh, the pop-up shop is where we ever are. It is like all this palette for the chef. Okay, Ludo, calm down over there, ratatooey. So they all had to do a pop-up shop and they had an expert, i.e. chef with an agent, teach them like how to do it and stuff. So it was like all these famous, smiley, like fucking faceled chefs. I don't like my chef smiley with facials. I want him to stink and be pissed. Yeah. Chefs are. Just like saying, like saying, you know, et cetera. So they were split up into doing Persian food, Korean food, Mexican food, and vegan food. So the vegan team lost, which was funny because the only one who seemed to be really embracing the vegan challenge was, what's his face, Philip? Is that his name? One. Also the vegan chef, the girl, the girl who got kicked off, what's her name? Yeah, exactly. They both were embracing it. But Grayson had this terrible attitude. You know, Grayson -- Rocky returns, like, we didn't even have to wait for a below deck to end. Yeah. She really needed to get over it. And the funny thing is that on Top Chef Masters a few seasons ago, there is one challenge where I think the chefs had to cook for Zoe Deschanel and they had to cook vegan food for her. I think that's what it was. Yes. And everyone was like vegan food. And so everyone like made salad, you know? And I'm sorry, it was a cop-out to make a green bean salad. Grayson, I stood up for your meatball, okay? I stood up for it. But it's a cop-out, like, these days, vegan food is not the way it was in the '80s where you think of it as like, you know, grains and like lettuce, okay? There's like, there've been a lot of advances in vegan food. My God. And it doesn't have to be like fake meat either, just what you can do with a cashew cream, for example, I was vegan for a second and there's actually delicious, very complex food. Like, it's hard to make you have to actually learn how to make it because you're using nuts for the milk and, you know, fresh-squeezing your... Yeah, and they should have asked them, they should have asked their little ambassador about that too. I mean, so here in Los Angeles, we have some actually great vegan restaurants. We've had some great vegan restaurants for a while that are not like, you don't feel like a freaking hippie going into them. I mean, if you go into this cafe gratitude you do, because every dish on the menu is called the "I Am Enlightened" or "I Am Positive" or "I Am Renewed" and you order... God. It's ridiculous. You order a dish. You're like, "I'll have the I Am Enlightened, please." And it's just, you're just mortified. But like, Grazias Monterrey, have you been to Grazias Monterrey? No. It's like... I like that one better. It's like, "Thanks, Mom." Okay, there's a restaurant. I'm the "I Am Enlightened." Go fuck yourself with your fucking cashew cream. Get out of here. But it's actually, Grazias Monterrey is actually owned by the same people as Cafe Gratitude. But Grazias Monterrey is so good. It's not pretentious at all. And it is like, delicious, delicious food. And it's just an example of vegan being a cuisine, not a diet. And so when Grayson is just sitting there smirking and being like, "I need meat in it, I need meat in it." I actually thought that was... It's not offensive. It just was so unbecoming. It's just... She's a child. Yeah. She's a little fucking baby. And it's the same thing like Rocky. Like, you can't even hate her because she's not even hateable. She's just so stupid and immature that you want to smack her. You know, what are you doing here? It's your second time on the show. And this is how you come back. You're going to argue over a green bean salad that tastes like shit. Even you said it tasted like shit. Like, what are you going to argue about, Grayson? Seriously. Exactly. And there are like... Passion. Oh, sorry. But like, vegan food grows. Not my passion. So whatever. Yeah, there are like a lot of ways to do some pretty, I think, easy vegan stuff. I mean, I think if you use like coconut milk... Yeah, I'll ever roast a Brussels sprout. I mean, for fuck's sake, make up all some. Have you ever made mashed potatoes? Like, what is so hard about it? Not everything we eat in the world has meat in it. It was so difficult. Yeah. And that guy on the Persian team, he made like a carrot, right? He did a carrot thing over hummus, right? Like, I think that's what he did. But the point is this. He was just really uncreative and she was blaming it on the genre. And it was really just something that I think any chef should be able to do. But I think some of the chefs, because I remember on top chef masters, they had a real problem with it too. It's like... I like that the judges stand up to her, but they still keep her on because they have to. They're like, "Well, Grayson is fighting with you for no reason. So I guess keep her because she should be out. You make shit meatballs the first week. And yes, I was there. And yes, they were shit meatballs. I mean, they were literal meatballs with Rago. Get out of here. I liked them. But she argues. Then this week, she makes green beans with no salt. And then they still keep her after she argues. Get rid of the bitch. Yeah, the thing is that chefs deal with so many assholes in their life that seeing her being petulants probably doesn't make too much of an impact. It should, because you can't be like that and be a chef. You cannot run an entire staff and be like that. You can't even be like that when you're a line cook. You'll get your ass kicked out of the kitchen the second you start fucking crying. What do you think this is? Get out of here. This is my easy industry woman. You cannot just stand around sobbing all day and pretending that you can do things if you're inspired. And then when she said, "Yeah, even at home, I don't even enjoy cooking. I do it when I have to." I'm like, "Why are you a chef?" Yeah. Jesus. Well, and then I liked also when the sassy chef was like, "Well, I didn't want to just make a salad, so I did this and then Grayson's like, "Hey, thanks a lot, by the way. I'm standing right here." It's like, "Shut up, Grayson. Just relax, okay." Thanks for saying I wouldn't make a salad when you know I made a salad. I'm like, "Grayson, have you ever seen a cooking show? Do you know what always happens on cooking shows? People who make salads get made fun of." Always. Your salad didn't make people want to barf after she said that. It was after they ate your salad. Like, "Let's keep the blame or the blame lies, and it's with your salad, your dumb batch." So she's an idiot. And the reason I guess I'm like all Don Juan angry about it is because people really work hard. I mean, this show can make your career, and these chefs work their ass off to get on the show year after year, and then they bring this idiot back who doesn't care, and she says she doesn't even like to cook. What are you doing here? Get out. Yeah. Yeah. I liked her on Texas. I was sad when she left, so I'm very disappointed. No, I'm not. I've like reversed back into time, and now I'm happy they kicked her. I just wish we could see that every week, because her ass just getting kicked off every week. I'm sure it's on YouTube. What did you think about our favorite Giselle over on the Korean team? Giselle is the one who was Giselle. She's the one who was a bitch to us. Oh, yeah. Well, I definitely saw how her personality is, and it totally makes sense. Like when that guy says she just thinks out loud, like she's neurotic, and she thinks out loud. Because that's how she was with us. She wasn't mean. She was more like... I'm sort of like getting offended in real time. Like she couldn't... Yeah, I was trying to think that she was... I'm starting to think that we were misreading "bitchiness" for just confusion, because I think she gets confused, because I think when I was like, "Oh, was someone else a patrosian on Top Chef once?" And she's like, "No." "No." I mean, I don't think so. I'm like, "Oh, she wasn't being a bitch. She just was so confused." She seems very defensive. Like she's always ready to fight, but you're not fighting about anything. All she was asking was, "Yeah, I don't really know a lot about this food, so I was thinking squash, but oh my god, you guys won't let me go down for squash, will you? You guys will have my back, right? You're not going to screw me over, right guys?" And they're like, "Uh, okay, so you're basically insinuating that we're all after you, and no one's even said hot dog yet." Like, come on. I am pulling for, well, on the Korean team, the James Beard lesbian. She made the really flavorful galbi, and she was the one whose food I like the most at our tasting thing. And so I am pulling for her, because she obviously knows how to cook. So I am pulling. Oh, I can't really tell yet. Right now I'm just looking mostly at their personalities because none of their food really looked good, and it's one of those episodes where I felt bad for the judges because look, it's hard enough to get down some food. I mean, I'm trying to think which of that food I've eaten. What was it again? It was Korean. You know, I don't like Korean at all. Oh, I love Korean. But if you don't know how to make Korean, that's not... I mean, that's a specific... It's pretty specific as far as how you cook it. Really dry. And there was no cold potato salad just randomly sitting in the middle of the table like a basket of bread. So good. So good. There wasn't a flag crawling over a potato salad, so that wasn't a real Korean restaurant. You know who I like actually? I'm liking the girl who made the dessert, like some sort of saffron or pistachio, whatever it was dessert. She's the one who works at like that Greek Mediterranean place in DC. And in the picture they showed of her, there was the guy from last season of Top Chef, the guy who... The Greek guy who was like eliminated and came back and almost went to the... Like got far. He had like the really, really bad slick back here. Anyway, I like her. I like her a lot too. I like her too, I like her because she's got that Lebanese thing going on, but also because I'm kind of trying to forgive her because I want to like her because she's chubby and she made dessert. And I... Look, I love a person who's like, "Yeah, I'm chubby, I don't know how to make dessert. I fucking love dessert." And then she makes a good dessert because that never happens on the show. Me too. I love that she's so beneath me. I love that she did that. Me too. And especially in contrast to that vegan idiot who ended up getting kicked off on Vegan Week. LOL. Bye batch. It also goes to show like the girl who lost 40 pounds had to talk herself into believing that she was eating food that she liked, but then once she made it, they were like, "This is literally terrible." It's like baby barf. They must have really hated it because honestly Grayson's dish looked so average that Sassy Chef had to have made something absolutely terrible. But you know what? Like interesting idea. Sorry I didn't work out. Every episode I just wrote down Gayle patterns. Every episode. It's almost like a joke now. Like this week I think she had ducks on her shirt or her shirt. Oh, come on Gayle. So speaking of restaurants, should we go over to West Hollywood? We can, but just wait a moment. I have to point this out because the dumb girl when she got kicked off, whose bitch flower never bloomed, they say, "What are you learning?" And she said, "Well, I learned that cooking under a timer strain isn't for me." Yeah. Wow. Wow. Have fun customers. And then Pat was pretending to cry with her Navajo bullfighting motorcycle jacket. It's like this show is hilarious. Ludo looks totally stoned. He's like, "I don't know about your food. Maybe it was too spicy." And the guy's like, "Oh yeah, I like spices." And he's like, "Oh, kidding. You like to smell it?" Good talk. Before we get to Vanderpurm Rules, let me tell you a little bit about Workout New York. So I watched the first episode. It's okay. It's okay. I'm still tuning in maybe I'll continue to sample it one or two episodes. It follows trainers in New York and they have this thing where they're all trainers, but they all seem to work out in the same gym. I think production rented a gym space for them. There is the main girl who is this sassy half black girl who is super annoying. And she's like, "I have a great book." When people ask me where I'm from, I'm like, "Heaven," she says shit like that in the entire episode. She's like really hilarious and she's not and she's just very annoying. Talk about it. I'm just tired of cab driver to drive her ass over at no interest. So then her best friend is this guy named Courtney who's this gay black guy and he's like really annoying I find. Like I feel like there will be an aspect to him that's really endearing, but for right now it feels like he's coming on really strong for the cameras because he's all about the shebonics. He's like, "Any time someone walks in the door, he goes, "Whoa, yes, work." And I'm like, "Oh my God, he yells at a cross from every single time." And then he's also really bad about reading the lines in his interview. He'll be like, "People pay top dollar to have a body like this, but they can't all have this body." And you're like, "Oh God, can you read your lines?" Actually they literally can if they go work out. I mean they might not have your exact body but pretty close. I mean you all look the same, get over it. So people have different curves, all right? I'm very defensive about this show, I'm liking it. Keep going. So he and so the other girl, they're like besties. I forget her name and her name is like Lulu or Lala also. She's like another Lala or Laila or something. That's how dumb we're getting in this world. We don't even name our children anymore. We're like, "Poop, poop." They're just singing lessons at this point. So yeah, they're both like, when they talk to Raimi, this is my daughter to Raimi. So then she has a boyfriend who's a trainer and his name is Brad and he's like a jealous asshole. She talks to another trainer and he's like, "Shut the fuck up Laila, I don't want to fucking talk to you. I'm out of you." It's like really fake, you know? Like a fake anger. There's something about the numerology in the name Brad. Is there a Brad that's moderating, Deuce? If you know one, email us, I'd love to know. I think her name is Brad. I mean, I can look up the cast, but it's not really worth it. Then there's a name, name, shame, name, shame. Then there's like this jacked lady, lesbianish. I think she's a lesbian. You got jacked. Oh, yes. She's all covered in sores. She's like the nice one and she doesn't yell at her client. She's like encouraging. She is like the star of Flywheel and the star of, she's like a Nike master trainer and all this stuff and everyone loves going to her spin class, so that's nice. I just want to be the person on workout who walks around going, "Why do you hate yourself?" So then there's also this girl named like, I think her name is not Leanne, but it's like Leah or something like that. She lives in Queen. Laila. She's the outsider. She wants to be a dancer and now she wants to be a fitness star. She's like a little bit of, yeah, she's a poor one who lives with her family. I mean, they're all poor, but. And then there is- People in New York don't, New York don't work out as much. That's a rougher place to be a personal trainer. You have to like go get people at their biz there. Yeah. And then there's a guy in Noah who's super hot and he's just super hot. That's basically his thing. He's going to train Miss USA. And then the last guy is this guy. I think his name is Joe. So he used to work at Prada and then he decided to become a trainer, but he loves fashion. And Courtney hates Joe. First of all, he shames Joe for his like workout routines, which is there's a bunch of like jumping, which to me I'm like, that would make me pass out. I'm like, hello, I just threw up doing leapfroggy things while it's high to a rope, okay? So but Courtney's like, "What is that? He's not a real trainer." So she's like, "You're doing push-ups. That's so cruise ship." Yeah. You're like the Walmart of personal trainers. Okay. Do you want me to get you like some of those little things you put on the floor to do push-ups on? Yeah. So, so, but the, so the thing is that like I'm an ab roller, it's like the most hackiest terrible things. So Courtney, Courtney has met at Joe because Joe does a lot of metro sexual things that make Courtney question and sexuality. And he's like, "I always want to know, like he always says these things." And for some, that really bothers Courtney. Well, I would need to know if this gym has a private steam room because any man who needs to spend all day in an all-men steam room is getting blow drops. Yeah. So you should be questioning that shit. The answer is in the steam room. Look at the tiles. Exactly, Courtney. Courtney, you're like a hot guy. You don't have to like interrogate him. Just make a move. So, so yeah, because Joe walks, he'll like show up in like some, he is like, Joe is cocky and he is also annoying and he wears like designer shoes and stuff like that. And there's also, by the way, there's this other trainer who has red hair and she's like a little, she's like whatever, she hurt her leg. So then, so then the big, the big climactic issue is that Joe is starting a business and then Layla, whatever is like, "Where'd you get your money? Why do you have money? Why do you have so much money? Like, what's the deal?" And Joe's like, "Well, I think it's kind of rude to talk about my finances." She's like, "No, I'm not asking about your finances, I'm just asking where you get your money." And he's like, "I'm leaving you, bitch. Bye." That was the episode. Okay. Nice. Poor people confronting each other about money. Yeah. I'm, I feel like it's a stupid show, but I feel like we could probably make fun of it pretty well. So, you know, maybe check it out this week. Has a lot of stupid people. Okay, I'll watch it this week. I didn't know. I called for my show list and it wasn't on there. No, it's okay. Cause I wasn't, I didn't want to, we have so much to talk about. I was like, I don't, I don't, I wanted to sort of not be obligated to talk about it if I was getting behind and watching the shows. But as well as Christmas time, and it's the time of the year to feel that raging hate that's inside of me bubbling up, coming to the surface, it's almost time to just let it out. Christmas Eve, everybody, see you then. So until then, I love feeling hatred and disappointment and disgust with humanity. So we can talk about this show for 20 hours. If you'd like, I don't even have to watch it. Tell me what better way to focus that inner, rage and hate than by going to Vanderpump Rules. Which opens like this. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la. I think I like it. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la. Okay. So La La is now the theme song of the show. Yeah. They've officially, maybe she sang it. Maybe she sang it because she is a singer now. She's probably like, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, n shirt is open. It's sexy. Oh, Jax, you are long past the ability to leave your shirt open like that. Jax is an ape on math. I mean, his face, every week, it's a new face. This week, it's obviously matching. He's getting the skin pull over his fillers. He's missing teeth, but he's still getting bigger because I guess he's taking spare words too. I mean, God, his cheeks are just like, he's like a hamster. Like, I mean, if you just like went into that mouth, you find a whole bunch of those like hamster Cheerios that they, you know, girl, if you looked him, he would taste like vinegar because that man is pickled. Whoo. So then you look tacky. He's like, I thought that was sexy. And she's like, good point on with it on with the show. So the episode this week is all about gay pride, which is always hilarious. We're always here in this neighborhood for it. And we always see these bitches out on the road too. So it's always fun. I love the pride episode. It's like our own Christmas episode. I know. I do love it. I was about to say I love the pride episode. It also doesn't always look so summery, you know, I know his heirs in winter. So it's like, oh, remember long afternoons of partying and we know. Do you remember when I was four months younger? Or where, however long ago, five hundred six months. So we learned something very important, which is that Sheena says, I love making coffee. So that's another insight into the world of Sheena. So she I'm not placing the button on the curing machine. I love a curing machine because it makes me think I can cure and shame. This machine should work at the hospital because I can cure. I like that Lisa told she's trying to get everybody to realize it's pride. She's like, come on, everybody is pride. And what do we proud of? And Jackson's like, uh, still walking after the shift, like still being able to, like, clench my ass after a shift here, making dollars in the in the restroom. And she's like, it's for the LGBT community. And I was like, you forgot to add a couple letters there, Lisa. Yes, I mean, Bruce, too. I'm not being mean to the lad, no matter what, redo or on law and tell it to you. So anyway, um, we had a like a moment, a deep philosophical moment, because she didn't inject for talking in this back room. Wait, my song is playing. Oh, sorry, it's a cappuccino machine. I thought it was Shay trying to speak to me through a CB right now. Okay. Are you okay? Are you on drugs? I thought it was a playing my song to me on voicemail, but then I forgot the words. She never shay. She never shay. Are you okay? I can't copy anything. I'm making a cappuccino shay. Good lyric. Um, so anyway, Jacks randomly says, if you had five days to live, what would you do? I'm like, I thought I was surprised he didn't say, I mean, who would you do? Who would you do? Well, I would write a letter to whoever you like, I see us and tell them crop tops for my thing. Then I would go skiing because I really love snow. And then I would buy a unicorn and ride it into the sunset we should. Well, technically, her answer was, I don't got a Paris in Egypt and then Jack, Jacks basically lost Vegas. But yeah, it's kind of big. It's like, well, that's two days right there, just getting there. Just like, I don't know. But, um, Jacks got a Paris Egypt, the Bellagio, New York, like, okay, nickel machine, calm down over there. I got a pile coming around. They play myself everywhere I go. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, Well, I would go to an around the world buffet because technically I'm being all around the world. Also, it keeps Shay from drinking. Even though he only has five days to live, he's not allowed to have any more pills. Whenever I go over a famous Shay, I'm like, Shay, get some macaroni and cheese. You won't drink. I can't be very doing alcoholic. You know what I would do? I would take all the photos of me and Shay from our wedding that are that are on the photo to print canvases. I put them all together and take a picture and take the picture of the photos to canvas on a photo to canvas. Anyway, so she, um, so it's funny because her, you know, she has a pretty, you know, like fine. She wants to go to Paris or Egypt and see the pyramids. Jacks's response. He's like, yeah, I would murder everyone that, um, that like, who did me wrong? What? Dr. Dr. Jack, Dr. Bill, Dr. Bob, any group on Dr. would be murdered. Jackson's like, give me back my face. So everyone, if Jacks comes down with a terminal disease, like be careful. He's going to kill everyone. Yeah, but the only people he ever gets mad at are the people trying to get in his skanky pazinos that he's going after. So I think we're safe. So I wrote down that Jackson needs to always be in the workstation because it's the only time his face makes sense. Like somehow around the steam from the cappuccino machines and the lighting, it's actually really bright lighting in there like fluorescence. Yeah, he looks normal. He looks almost young. I was like, Oh my God, that's what he's going for. He doesn't realize he's working in a restaurant that's lit like the whole closet. You know, yeah, he had a few moments like towards the end of this episode, he was in some sort of teal t-shirt and he looked pretty good. But man, that tank top was not doing it many favors. So then we're talking about how he's jealous of James and she and she's like, I need to tell us because he gets pasa. And he's like, no, no, it's not at all. And then she and it tells us why James is so sexy to everybody because of those headphones. And then it cuts to James with his headphones, like kind of bobbing his head, you know, all like confused and drugged out, like just kind of bobbing him and he's like, hey, lock that. He's going to put your vagina, darling. Listen to it. You won't listen to it. So and then Jax, you know, of course, it's time for Jax to say something that's kind of totally offensive to women. But you know, whatever, it's Vanderpump rules. He's like, he calls, he calls Jax, I'm sorry, he calls Lala, sports cars. Like, I'm not gonna, it's not something I want to buy, but I'd like to take a ride. I'm like, yeah, you'll probably take a ride and then crash the car and ruin it for anyone else. Exactly. That's not right. That's, yes, I'm crashing the bike and then not take fault for it. We're going to see Lala wrapped around a tree. It's like I did not give that Ford Explorer herpes. How dare you? Huh, this is so funny. This Lala has an odor that I can't get rid of anymore. You got Jaxed. Because we need to hang a little little pine tree off of Lala's neck. So it's gay pride and Lisa has bought everybody new uniforms and their bright pink 50s dresses because the 50s were a great time for gays and women. Thanks, Lisa. Good call, Lisa. She's like, let's go back to an innocent time where we learned to get our food from a processor and beat gays into submissions. Okay. Sounds great. Sounds like a great pride, Lisa. Jesus. Let's have an Isis pride. Jesus, Lisa. No, we're putting everybody in burgers. Oh my God. She's no Lisa. No, Lisa. Sexy burgers. So, um, show an eyelid. Lisa, Lisa Ariana and Katie talk about, talk about Sheena. She's like, hello girls. How are you enjoying the 50s? Like, wow, our men don't have a job. Perfect. Just how it should be. Don't forget to be the gay darling. How's Sheena darling? And she starts talking about how Sheena wants, you know, the perfect life. She's like, I feel bad. She had the perfect wedding. She has the perfect plastic print canvases in her in her godful home in the valley. You know, sometimes you have to face harsh reality. And that is your face is harsh, darling. In reality, please stop. But she's like, you know, marriage is hard. Luckily, Sheena now has, you know, all she needs to protect herself in her face. Like, she's like, you can punch her in the face. You can punch her. You can cut her. You can run her over a bus. That face won't feel a thing, darling. A whole new take on plastic surgery. It's like, it's just to protect myself. Her face is now 50% material of Nike Airs. There's just air pockets in there that you can push in. In the coast of Sheena being positive. And she's telling, she's telling Jacks. Ah, she's doing great. He's really turning a new leaf. I was like, of course, she's turning a new leaf like a fucking leaf blower. Never pick it up. He's just making that blow in that leaf all over the yard, never doing shit. It's actually a perfect misspeak. Listen, you could listen, you can turn over as many leaves as you want, but the leaf is dead. It's still dead, no matter what side it's on. But the chase leaves are dead. Both of his sides are dead. Oh, I can't be married to him half dead leaf. Bad news, Sheena. I think it's more of a pine needle than a leaf. Good luck. Our communications really improved. Like, he goes peeing this cop and then I test it. And then I'm like, you passed. I actually feel bad for Sheena because it's been a week, essentially, since he, since he went to rehab. And she's already like, yeah, he's fixed. He's fixed. For Sheena. She's like, well, I hope he comes to gay pride to support me. And Jacks is like, uh, you know that this is the biggest party in LA of the year, right? Why would you bring someone who can't drink to gay pride? And she's like, well, it's not gay. It's not like he has to drink peanuts. You know, just beer. I can't, I can't be married in alcoholic. He has to be able to have a couple of beer. It's like, just order him a couple of beers just to see if he can take it. She just realized the awful things that she's saying. I mean, if this is the man that you love, it's like you have to make a sacrifice. He has an illness. Okay. So you, you have to make a sacrifice for it. Now, Shea says that the pills are the issue more than the drinking, which I get. But I'm pretty sure. I mean, there is, there is like a vein of recovery where you can, you can have like a few drinks. But I think in general, it's supposed to be sorry. If you're, if you're hooked on Coke, if you're hooked on, you know, pills, you may not be hooked on booze, but it's all got to go. Well, if you're hooked on pills, chances are they're oxycodone, right? Because that's what everyone's hooked on. Like everybody here is hooked on either that or the meth. So if you're hooked on oxycodone, you know, he ain't getting those nazusa because it was $30 a pill. So where's he getting those? He's getting those at pump from Sheena's friends. He's getting them from the toms and jacks. Okay. Why would you invite him to the people that probably got him hooked on pills in the first place? It's not like Shay has a lot else going on. He's not like at the skate park meeting people to give him drugs. He's at your job all the time or laying on your couch. And I just think it's like really damaging. I would imagine for her to be saying things like, well, I could never be with someone who never drinks at all. I'm like, Oh my God, that's your husband that you're talking about. And now he's gonna be feeling shame. And now he's gonna be this and he's gonna feel like he's holding you back, whatever like awful like Sheena, what are you saying? Shay, he may be a lump, but he's still your lump. Oh, she's doing it out of positivity. That's what's so funny. Like, she really thinks she's helping. She's like, if I just love him hard enough, I'm like, that's why he's drinking back away. She needs some someone needs to tell her how to handle that situation. So anyway, we go to a lot, a ton of fillers in his face, you know, like, if you're going to teach him to be strong as you, just use the same tactics, you know, just pull his face back, put a few fillers in it, and he'll be able to take anything. If he's depressed, you won't be able to tell. Well, anyway, we go to Lala's apartment. Casa Lala, which is basically Stassi's apartment, by the way. Yeah, actually, it was like Sassi season one apartment. They move the couch and put a new Ikea rug in. They're like, okay, we've kind of cleaned the sperm up off the carpet. You're in. Didn't Lala say she was living in Tom's old apartment or something? Or was that faith? I don't remember. So James comes over, there's like, James coming over just to make, they're just gonna make some music. Like, and Lala's like, we're not gonna hook up. It's just, we're just there to make music. Which first of all is L-O-L, or Lala L, because... Lala Lala, since, since when is Lala? I don't know. I just, I love that James's line, which is so ski-sy, is like, yeah, we're just gonna, let's go, just hang out, and like, make some trucks. Let's lay down some trucks together. It's like, shut up, James, you were such a ski. So, first of all, Lala, there were some shots where she didn't seem to have as much makeup on, and then she suddenly did have a lot of makeup. Lala, the less makeup, the better. You're a beautiful girl. Don't hide it under the Anchor Woman pancake makeup. I can't tell, yeah, because she definitely does have El Paso News Anchor makeup on. It's like really caked. Yeah. So, um... He's here for one reason. He's here to make me famous. Like, um, you're dumb. So, James tries coming up to her and being a, uh, he's like, you ready, baby? Ready, darling? Yeah, ready to sing "Rutting the Whole," baby. Yeah, punch me in the face, darling. Yeah, do it with your tongue. He's so gross. He's so creepy. He's like, he's like, and he's like, asked her to, like, bite on her elbow. He's like, he's like, if you start nibbling right down here and bite down harder and harder towards the top, probably gonna call you the next day. Like, who wants to bite that? It's like biting an old ham. Don't call her, call the vet. All right, get yourself taken care of you spreading that shit all over the place. We're gonna have billboards in West Hollywood soon, like, worms. But by the way, one of my favorite parts about that, that's that disgusting, skeevy comment by him, is that it actually became a plot point later on. But anyway... I know they're getting good on this show. It's like foreshadowing. They're doing a lot of, like, literary reading their time on. Yeah, so... So, then they sit down to make their track, and Lala's singing along, and she's just, she's like, "There ain't nobody that I'm feeling like I'm feeling you. There ain't nobody that I'm feeling like I'm feeling you." And the truth be told, the beat, I actually thought the beat was all right, and even though she can't really sing, it actually sounded all right. All right, that's a good thing. I wrote "Lala Can Sing!" Yeah, like, it sounded okay, and then he starts rapping, and he's like chilling at the pad with my homies, gonna go, gonna get some blummies for some cocaine, gonna do cocaine, have sex, 'cause I'd have sex in nibble, nibble on me, nibble on me, lala. I was like, "Oh my god, please don't rap along, James, please." I'm gonna snort a doorman, think of the doorman, then I'm not eat, then make up, then I'm gonna stick my tongue in you, really deep in you, and then it's gonna be floor your basic bitch. I'm like, none of that even rhymes, you're stupid, just stop. Yeah, because I really thought that, like, I mean, I will always give credit where I think credit is due, and I thought his beat sounded good. It was better than Sasha's beat on "Euros of Hollywood," and it was like a good beat, and she sounded good. I was like, "Oh, maybe James does, under the douchebag, or he actually have some talent." But then when he starts rapping, "Oh my god, just bend me over and pour the fireball down my mouth." I can't listen to him. I like where he explains where his music talent comes from. He's like, "I learned how to use girls band when my father managed to am." No, it doesn't say "wam," because my dad managed "wam." My gold father is George Markle. It's actually a different thing, and his godfather is really the guy from, like, a rest of development. Yeah. I love how when they were done recording, the gyms like, "We just made a fucking Smasher." My god, Jesus. No. Your basic bitch. This song is called Basic Bitch. This is so stupid. He's like, "Step off the curb, Felicia, Basic Bitch." I just, George Michael is my godfather, kind of explains a lot of the time he spends in the bathroom, because you know he always comes out of there snorting and wiping his mouth. It's a spoiled little kid who is probably not giving any attention. Also, he says everybody's the godparents. His mother is probably Taylor Armstrong. Like, "That's your godmother over there." It's like, "The Queen of England." Shut up, Taylor Armstrong. No one's putting you in their will, okay? Well, it does make sense, because James was hired because Lisa's friends with his mother or something like that. So, I'm sure that Lisa and James' mom and Ken and James' dad met at, like, some backstage wam concert in 1982, and they all have their wamboo font still, you know? It's like, it all makes sense. And Ken was still, like, moving really slowly and silently farting even back then. He, it's like Angela Williamsbury. He hit 70 and just stayed there for 90 years. And, you know, and it's funny, because if you think about it, Ken sort of does speak in wam songs. If you think about it, you know, I can imagine walking up to someone and be like, "I don't want your freedom. I don't want to let you go. I don't want no heartbeat bit. I just want to carry out." So, all right, darling, wake me up before you go, go, right? Yeah. I'm never going to dance again, but- I'm never going to dance again. James, I was writing that I don't believe the swam thing, because, first of all, they showed him as a baby. They didn't show George Michael holding him or anything like that. He's like, "George Michael is my godfather." Cut to just him crawling. I'm like, "That proves nothing." And also, last year when he said, "Lisa can't fire me. She's best friends with my mother." And then Lisa later in the season was like, "I saw his mother cleaning a toilet at the Nauska party once. That's it." Yeah. That's true. That was the story. So, probably what happened was that his father banged his mom. That's probably what it is. So either way, so then we go to the gym, we go to FitArts, which is right here on Sunset, and we meet Alfred, the trainer. Oh, fuck this scene, okay. This is where- this happens to every fat guy in LA. Sorry, Ben, you can't relate. See, you just sit there and cool your skinny jets, but every fat person in LA, right? I was doing big frogs and throwing up. I was just like, "Shay." We're already like, you know, the dinosaurs here. People are like, "Oh my god, there's a fat person. Take a picture!" So, we're already the freaks of this town, all right? So, every fat guy here has gone through friends like this. They're like, "Oh my god, we're having so much fun. They're giving me pills. This is great." And then suddenly they're like, "Brah, working out's easy, dude. We'll show you. We'll totally show you how easy it is." And then they go to the 24-hour fitness and they're suddenly climbing ropes all the way to the top to show you how he's- he don't do that to a fat person. You show a fat person how to lay on the ground, touch their knees, and get back down again without fucking dying, okay? Well, Tom was like, you know, Shay just needs a win. I'm like, you're not going to give him a win by taking him to fit arts and having him stand next to Adonis Alfred and make him climb up a rope, you know? That's not going to make him feel better. He's going to feel like shit. I mean, all these people do is make Shay feel like shit. And then Shay goes and throws up in the parking lot. Of course he does. Goal accomplished, you know? Maybe that was the whole thing. They were like, "Well, we got him to barf at least, you know? He's never going to work out, but he can learn to barf." Well, can I just say something about this fit arts place? So it's right here on Sunset. I remember one time going to the, you know, the pikey, right? Yes. It's basically like two storefronts down from the pikey. And I remember walking back from the pikey and Alfred of the scene. He was in there doing some sort of capoeira with another guy and they were both like shirtless and sweaty. And I was like, oh my goodness, it was so hot. Like, and ever since then, every time I walked by, I'm always like, oh, are they going to be doing some of that shirtless capoeira again? And I've yet to see it. So when Alfred showed up on this, I was like, that's the guy doing the hot capoeira. And then poor Shay is barfing and they're like, "Okay, bro, we'll show you something easier. This is how you fuck a girl." And then they get down on the ground and start doing the worm, which is really hard, you guys. Okay, it was for someone who's never, I mean, Shay probably hasn't even walked all the way to the bathroom in one full breath. You know, he's probably taken like five minutes, like take a break in between, have some M&M's from his pocket, then finish walking to the bat. Like, you've got to start small, guys. You're like teaching him how to fuck the ground way to show him what he's not doing at home. You know, his ass just lays there and waits for Shayna to crawl off of him. And he was like, they're like, "Okay, now just pretend you're in bed." And she's like, "Can I not?" He's like, "I don't want you. I hate the bed." It's like, "Oh, that is a bad sign." And the funny part was then over the DMV, Shayna was having the stupid scene at the DMV where she's like, "I'm finally ready to become Shayna Shay. I mean, Shayna Maria was cool, but now she's gonna show you're even better." Like, shut up, Shayna. And she's at the DMV in her fucking lingerie, okay? She's wearing lingerie to go to the DMV in Hollywood, which is sad enough without some hoe with a jack-and-lantern face showing up in lingerie. Come on, Shayna, what are you doing, man? It's so sad. It made me want to cry. So what I loved is they were cross-cutting between Shayna at the DMV and Shay at FitArts. And she's like, she's telling Ariana. She's like, "Yeah, things are like better than ever now. We are so much better now, we're so much closer, things are better." And then they cut to Shayna being like, "Yeah, it's gonna take some time. That's coming in caution." Shay's such a fucking pussy. Shut up, Shay. Oh, your wife talks too much and your wife pays no attention to you and she's always looking at her phone. No shit. What did someone else before? I mean, having it different face doesn't change her on the inside. It was the same bit you married, get over with. Yeah, I mean, I actually do feel bad for Shayna and all this because she wants it to be better. Like Lisa says, she wants it to be better, but Shay is miserable. I mean, look, she even says in the interview, he's sitting there, he's like, "Yeah, well, the thing that talks about all this is that now she has something to hold over my head." It's like, "Wait, and I don't know when that's ever gonna end," he said. Looks like things are going in the right direction. He's so delusional too, probably from his drug counselor, Shayna, who's like, "No, you can't quit. Don't be a gritter." He's telling the guys, he's like, "Yeah, you know, pills, you know pills." Yeah, I heard of them. Yeah, I heard of them. They're looking away all guiltily and he goes, "I used to be addicted to those, so like this morning, but I just barked them up, so I'm better now." It's like, "Oh my God, you used to be addicted yesterday." Yeah, girl, you know. Having a chip doesn't mean you earned a chip, okay? He's like, "I earned a bag of chips." Like, shut up, Shay. So I loved also, then Tom Schwartz, his ring is coming in and he's looking at Shayna and she's like, "Man, if they're having problems, anyone could have problems." Like, yeah, Shayna and Shay, I mean, they are just the model of perfection. I mean, who would have thought there's no future in marriage now, because Shayna and Shay... It's like marrying someone from awakenings and then being shocked when they come to life and you see their actual personality and you're like, "Oh no." You weren't supposed to talk or have a personality. Like, do you think Shays ever said anything? I think she just found him passed out in a Wendy's and dragged him home, like, "You don't have to marry me!" I think he's never, I think he's never not been in a state of waking up. This is the first time he hasn't been on drugs. He's like, "Wait, what if I do? Who is this woman? Why is Shayna always talking?" The only time he has not been looking groggy was, I think, that time when he got into a fight at Shayna's birthday party and was crying. Right? Wasn't there a scene with... Oh yeah, he started crying. Like, "Ah, my fat!" He's like, "That's probably when he started jing the pills. He was so embarrassed." Go on. So, I just put the guys terrified. So, Shayna is like trying so hard to make it work at the DMV and she's like, "Shay just needs to be a one person, so I'm taking his name. So now when people say, "Shay, they're tracking me, but he'll feel like they're talking to him." Like, good plan, Shayna. Like, a man who has no identity of his own, you're taking his, what he uses as his first name. Now no one will ever be talking to him. "Shay, what?" You can never talk. That's so funny. So anyway, okay. For like two days, I thought I was going to get a divorce. It's like serious. Ariana just looks at her like she's so worried all the time. She's just kind of patting her on the head. Like, "I'll be here to clean you up when this is all over, honey. Call me." And then the producers wedge in a totally boring tidbit about Ariana's past. She's like, "Yeah, my parents separated when I was younger and then they got back together and they separated again. They show some pictures. It's like, "Okay, that's it for Ariana today." So then we go on to pump. So now it's time for Gay Pride. Oh, it's not Gay Pride anymore. Now it's Pump Pride because Lisa renames everything, okay? She names pump-teenies. She names every damn thing. She's like, "Pump-ta-ta-ta. Pump Pride. Welcome to Pump Pride." It's Gay Pride. Stop it. She's like asking around pump-pride shirts. They're all getting ready. James walks in late and he's all scratched up from sex. And you know, James the type of douchebag who would, of course, wear a tank top to show off the scratches, you know? It's like he would show the hickey if he could. So he can't even be shallow. He's so excited about being an asshole that he's like, "Yeah, I want to piss her off. That's right. I wore it so she'd see it. So there you go. There you have it." It's like, "Well, mystery solved. Glad we didn't spend until I'm on that." I just wanted to say that Lisa was in a fisherman's hat. I'm really glad that they showed West Hollywood, the sadness of West Hollywood on such a proud day, which is where there's just that one lone stripper standing on the corner just grabbing his dick and a speedo looking around all in securely. That was hilarious. I like that, too. And then we had she-she-she-she was back. She-she-she-she. We're getting mad. And I was like, "Oh my god, you know there's some busboy named she-she there." Yeah. La-la-lee-lee-la-lo-she-she-she-sho-sho-sho-sho. So anyway, so James is like, you know, he's like, "Ah, it's sexist." And then Lisa's like, "Oh, I don't-I don't want to hear that. No, no, don't tell me about it." But then as she and Ken are leaving, she's like, "Ken, drive me back to him after change, and I have to make sure Hanky's feeling better. It's gay pride. Hanky's favorite day of the year." I can't let Hanky get bashed on his day, darling. Be nice to Hanky. By the way, side note, did you see that there was this viral video of this Irish, um, uh, this Irish reporter? There was like a storm in Ireland, and she was telling everyone, like, "Go inside, stay away from the wind." And I was like, "Oh my God, she's telling everyone to be nice to La-la." I was like expecting-that was just about to hear to be the very next thing for her to say. "Be nice to La-la." Hurricane means no harm. "Be nice to Hurricane La-la." La-la-la. Oh my God, it was just like, wish I'd brought it up. Hello, I don't know if I found out who James banged. I counted that way. Yes. Was it La-la? Yeah, it was Lauren, the tarnest lot hostess. She's like, "What is he thinking? How could he fraternize?" "What did-what did he want to call it last week?" No, well, Jack's called it fraternize. Fraternize. Why is he fraternizing in my barn? Well, what I loved is that Lisa's just, like, shocked that this would happen. Like, "I can't believe it. I can't believe if I hire a man's lot. He's going to try and sleep with everyone on my staff." And then Ariana and Tom arrive. She is standing on the front of his-or on the back of his bike or whatever, and they're like doing the teenager thing. It's like the pre-adulting thing. Like, they're adulting, but you really don't turn in an adult into an adult until you're 40. So, like, when you're 30, that's when you start, like, paying the electric bill, finally, because it gets turned off. Yeah. And it's like that last ride on the bike. So, they show up. But meanwhile, as you said, so James had sex with this waitress, who we had never-it's hostess. We've never seen before, right? She's like a brand new character. She looks like Mae Whitman, right? You know, Anne Ville from Arrested Development. She's like a slutty Anne Ville. And she's walking around. She is the one who scratched James. So, this is important because she's a hostess, and Lala's a hostess. And because this show is absolutely amazing and wonderful, sure enough, Lauren and Lala are both working at the hostess stand together. Both have just had sex with James in the past two days, which is why I love this show. So funny. And then Lauren's being so fake. She's like, "Just ignore him, girl. He's being mean to you. You know, just ignore him. I love you, mamas." Yeah. I'm like hugging her. Well, Lala is already, she already has an eye on Jax. And she, she like goes over to Jax. And she's, and she's like, "So, like, what's going on with you and your girlfriend?" And he's like, "Yeah, we just talked. I think it's over." She's like, "Okay, cool. So, we should hang out." I'm like, "Gosh, Lala. You know, we like you and everything, Lala. But like, you really- I just can't figure the whole out because I cannot read her. I can't figure her out." I mean, when she was talking to the girls last week, I thought this girl is so smooth because here she is manipulating the girls jumping on their side and acting like James offended her. That girl doesn't get offended by anything. I mean, everything that's been said to her so far has been so mean and offensive or just sexually sexual harassment. It's been totally offensive, but she's never offended by anything. So, I know she doesn't get offended. So, that was obviously smart of her to get on the girls side. But then this week, going home with Jax, it's like a revenge fuck on who? Like, why would you give yourself all of those diseases to get revenge on somebody else? It doesn't make any sense. Like, you lose. Exactly. And, you know, she wants Jax. And so, when he says, "Yeah, we just talked. I think it's over." I mean, Lala is, I think, smart enough to know that Jax is lying, but she just needs to get it on on camera that he said it's over, so that way she is exonerated. But I'm like, man, she she weighs no time whatsoever. She reminds me of Heather Graham in Bowfinger. You ever see Bowfinger? No. It's this great movie from, like, 1999 with Steve Martin and Eddie Murphy, and they're like making this movie in Hollywood. And Heather Graham plays this, like, Anj no, she's just off the turnip truck. And she just sleeps her way to the top throughout the entire movie. Like, she's sleeping with one person and the next person. And, like, it's a very subtle joke, but, like, every few scenes, she starts sleeping with someone else. And they're always, like, higher and higher and higher. And she just sort of, like, seeps her way at the top of the movie. But that's exactly what Lala's doing. She's, like, trying to go up the ladder. But what ladder? Like, it's like one of those, like, the DJ/busboy. She doesn't realize it's one of those, like, come on. She doesn't realize it's one of those, like, rope ladders at a carnival where you're supposed to climb up it and doesn't go very high. And you get flipped off of it. And you never get the toy at the end. Why ain't anybody trying to fuck Diana? I mean, if you really want to run this place, that's who you fuck. Like, your guys are on the wrong ladder. And Diana's hot, too. Yeah, or Guillermo. So, the best part, well, not the best part, but the ickyest part, which is sort of the best part, is that after Lala, it's like, you know, okay, great. Well, hang out. And she goes back to, like, the hostess podium. Jack's turns to, like, a customer or someone is like, I'm gonna fuck her. Just this. He's so disgusting. And meanwhile, Jack's is literally going, hey, hey, hey, like an ape jumping up and down, trying to get her attention, sweating all over the plate. Like, his spray tan juice is going all over the bar. It's so embarrassing. He's, like, sweating his meth out, missing teeth. He's smiling so big, he's missing teeth. And then Lala's like, yeah, I'm gonna totally revenge fuck him. What are you doing? You lose. But then, in the midst of all this, though, James walks in after he's done with his gig at pump and he walks in and Lala is standing next to Anvil and James walks in and he just goes and starts making out with Lala, even though he had banged Anvil the night before and Anvil is watching him and just, like, sort of, like, nodding along, like, okay, this is great. Like, you know, and then, you know, of course, Lala notices all the scratches and stuff. And then she's like, cigarette burns. Those aren't even scratches. They're all perfect circles. They're all perfect circle bruises all over his arm. So what the fuck? So now the thing is that when they were, when they were laying down the track, making music, you know, they, Lala said she didn't want a boyfriend. And so since James, like, all right, well, since you can't commit to me, I'm gonna fuck out the girls. And she's like, well, fine, just don't let me know about it. Well, in this case, he let her know about it by having by showing off all his scratches and and marks and everything. And he's so subtle. He can't even, like, play it right. He's she goes, Oh, what's supposed to make me jealous? He's like, yes, if you would have committed to me, then I wouldn't have mocks on my arm. Such an ass. Oh, he's awful. That's like George Michael logic right there. Yeah. I had to go to the lake. It wasn't my fault. Someone offered me a blowjob on the progeny of wam. I'm the progeny of wam. You see this? You'll never get this again, lady. You'll never get this again. Missy, you'll never have a hot wam progeny like me. You're never going to meet warm. I'll tell you that much. Missy, you'll never get this again. This is hot stuff here, girl. So you both got revenge. One of you end up with burn marks all over you. And then the other one ended up with Jack's Jason cider. Congratulations, losers. Did you notice that they were serving tuna tartar? But they had to do it special for gay pride. So Lisa's like, game and hate fish darlings. So just put them on a stick. All right, we'll subtly hint, subtly hint, darling revolutionize the tuna tartar stick industry. It's a tuna cabobe. Chef Penny, do not leave your post tuna tartar for pride. Have your tartar pride everywhere, Penny. More, more. Chef Penny has some pride in your gay tuna stick tartar. Pandy, get on the line. Pandy's like, this is delicious, but I poked my mouth, mom. Oh, Pandy. Don't swallow the stick, darling. It's not edible. Can clearly a pandy, darling. Take her away. So anyway, meanwhile, over at the bar, Jack's is serving drink. He's fully drunk. He is sweating through his tank top. He just looks terrible. And the hot bartender who works with them, Anthony or Antonio, whatever his name was, it says, like, it says, Antonio bartender slash Lauren's ex. I'm like, oh, my God. I just, I love that this show just decides to drop in two characters. I mean, we maybe have seen them in the background, but they drop two in right now. Like, guess what? We're throwing all these people into a love rhombus. Go a rhombus. I like that. Because there's like four people in it now. And also this show, you know, it looks like the most shallow show on TV, but they really do layer this show in such a funny way. Yeah. Lisa, do you think it's a mistake that the bartender who's now going to become a supporting player on the show looks just like Eddie Cyprion? You know that Lisa layered that shit on on purpose. It's like, Brandy is done, but I don't want her to ever forget, cast a young Eddie darling that Brandy can never touch. I think he looks like a tall, muscular, tan, Haley Joel Osman. How dare you? How could you jump from one to the other? You know that Haley Joel Osman has yelled at me in a bar. I do not appreciate you bringing that up. I forgot. I'm still traumatized. And I love this existence. Get over yourself. Haley Joel, no one's taking your picture for anything that matters. Be quiet over there, Haley Joel. So meanwhile, Jax is there and he, I mean, Jax is drunk. He drops an entire bottle of Don Julio. He's such an idiot. And he's like, well, because there was a woman being like, I'd like a mojito piece. He's like, oh, I don't want to model. And she's like, how about a shout out to Kila? He's like, yes. And a mojito. He's like, no. And he's like, you want to get wasted, right? Because it's pride. She said, yeah, but I'd also like my drink and then get some dirty look. And I was like, you go normal person. I'm like, oh, but what are you doing ordering a drink from Jax? What are you doing? You're going to get basically like backwash and olive juice. Yeah, why do you got to pump it all? It's like going to pump and then get mad, getting mad that you got to scrape on your leg because you watched, walked past a giant cement pot from like a hundred years ago. Of course, you're going to get scratched up. Say I'm like, God damn place. Yeah. So now you always know, you always know the shit is about to the fan because now Kristen has arrived. She comes walking up, she tries to get into this group shot. She can't. Lisa is like, well, you know, maybe you would have been allowed to get in the group shot if you hadn't called Diana to talk Diana to suck a dick. So well, she does this to herself when she tells Diana to eat dicks. And of course, Kristen, you know, she's got some like nanny cam in the alley across the street hidden behind one of those dumpsters that sees everything going on there. She's like looking at it from the valley in her house, you know. And so she sees that it's the group photo time in front of that stupid car. So everybody's posing in front of the car. And I'm like, good job, Lisa. It's a bunch of floating heads. It's like you're putting pink things against a pink car. It's like a bunch of floating plastic surgery, terrifying, non appetizing heads. And then Kristen walks up and she's like, Hey, it's me. I'm going to, I made it just in time for the group shot, stupid, stupid, Kristen. So then, so then like she's, so then there's like a party going on behind, sir, in like the, in like the apple crate area where they all sit. And James is again, is like bragging about having sex. And he's there like right in front of Kristen. And he's like, I like to get bit. Remember, babe? And then he shows a picture of his butt. I guess it was bit. I mean, what were we looking at? What was that picture he was showing? No, I don't know. It's like his grinder picture. Get out of here. No one is buying it. He's being, he's like, we need Brad in. He's bragging about having sex in front of Kristen, which is like really obnoxious. That's your ex. I mean, she may be horse based number one, and she may be crazy, but it's still rude. And then well, she wouldn't be hearing it right now. She'd get a goddamn job and stop hanging out with the break room of someone else's job. Weirdo. Stop falling out of Uber's and breaking your face. Kristin. So then Lala starts yelling at James, which Kristen loves. This is like Kristen's dream come true. This is what she wants from Ariana, which is for the girl to be like, wait, Kristen, you're right. I'm going to yell at James. I'm going to yell at your ex now. Kristen was like having the time of her life when Lala is yelling at James. And then, which I love, then Jack sweeps in. And he basically steals Lala away. And then like he was just waiting for the pity. Fuck Jack's knows what it is. You know, he's actually as much as his face is lying about this. He's aging gracefully. He knows he's an old man in this town. I mean, in this town, he's on Golden Pond. Okay. And he knows that you need to take a net out there and you need to wait for a broken fish to just float on by, then you catch him. Don't tell anybody it's been dead the whole time. So just to recap, Kristen, yeah, Kristen eggs on Lala to yell at James. And as, and then James, when James is being obnoxious, Lala takes revenge by, by going with Jack's. And so James's revenge is to tell Lala that it was Lauren, who he had sex with. And of course, the producers then cut to Lala and Lauren, like a flashback of them hugging, which is just hilarious. Like you said, this show is so layered. Like the producers are having the most fun with all these catty bitches, right? Yes, because they've got, how did they know that they're like, okay, get everyone who fuck last night on the schedule for pride? I know. So then Lala's like, Oh, really? So then Lala storms into the into the restaurant. And this girl, Lauren is running away. I was laughing so hard because they show Lauren, she's like the little girl from that movie, the ring who crawls out of the toilet. She's just like looming by the break door by the outside door, kind of looming there, looking scarily. And then she sees that it happened. And she just starts running, but she's doing that hostess busy thing where, like hostesses, if they're uncomfortable, they don't have anywhere to go because they don't have anything to do but stand behind that desk. So she starts pacing the restaurant like she's just counting the tables, but she's just pacing back and forth, trapped in hostess. Because we all know she can't count. So then Lala comes in, and Lala tells Anthony or Antonio, whatever his name. And she immediately, Anthony, his name is Anthony. So she immediately tells Anthony about the situation. And at first, I almost thought that he was just like acting, he's like, what? Are you kidding me right now? Are you kidding me? But then he really pulls Lauren aside. And they go into like this other room and Lauren starts taking off a microphone. They're like, I was like, Oh, they're having Lauren runs into like get Kim Richards stashed into the toilet paper, like seat cover things. And he's going in there. It's like, Kim, Kim, so much shit has gone down in that bathroom, by the way. So he goes in, and she's never going to make it on this show because she's ripping off her mic. Yeah, that's exactly what I thought. Like, this is why you're not getting more airtime because you took off that mic. And it was also funny because it's the first time that someone hasn't done that for airtime. She probably thought she could trust James not saying anything. Because you know, last night when she was burning that eighth Virginia slim out on his arm upper arm skin, he was like, I won't tell anyone darling, I won't say a thing. Wham, wham is the word nibble nibble darling nibble nibble nibble darling. So then then Lauren has a really good script writer because she goes, are you kidding? Are you kidding me right now? Are you kidding? Is this a joke? Are you kidding me right now? By the way, here's why Lauren's an idiot. Okay, Lauren's man Anthony is by far the hottest guy in the entire restaurant. You know, like, he is gorgeous. At least, I mean, on the block, I know the block well. Yeah, he is like maybe the hottest guy in the entire city of Los Angeles. And he is like gorgeous. And she's and the wheel. I'm sorry, you know, she's not ugly, but she's a makeup on. I'm sorry. And she is, you know, she really is sort of, you know, she, she landed someone way out of her league. No offense, but it's true. And she's gonna go sleep with James. Well, we give him time because we don't know how out of early he is because he hasn't opened his mouth yet. So let's just give him a side one time also. Yeah. So then we cut to a moment to remember that this is Lisa's show. I love when Lisa comes in for no reason. I'm sorry. There was, I had to say, what did I skip? What I skip? Well, Lala had a very funny line where Lala, she's like, oh, mad at Lauren. She's like, she's fucking the dude I'm making music with laying down a track, darling. Like, mom. Oh, Lord, Lala. And by the way, I'm feeling anyone like I feel like you were. How many doors are in this restaurant, by the way, you were what? How many doors are in this restaurant? There was like a full on five minutes of people opening doors and hiding behind them and other people going into the doors and they'd like walk out for another door and they walk into another door. That's Lisa. It's just like she just wants to confuse people. It was like confusing little rooms. It was almost like an old Broadway farce where people coming in and out doors. So people still feel like they need a hostess and they won't see themselves. She's like, I'm sorry, darling. You can't pick your own table because it's over a mountain through two pots, over a giant lantern behind two rickety garden doors from the 1800s, over a donkey, and in the back corner. Jesus lady is the restaurant's like 500 square feet big. I know. So anyway, you were going to say something. I forgot. Oh, I was just going to say I love when Lisa puts herself in the middle of the show for no reason, just to brag about stuff. It's this huge fight and then it cuts Lisa and she's like, oh, look at me, two restaurants, two fabulous parties. I'm exhausted, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling, darling. Ken's just like pushing her off button and like rolling her out of there on a dolly. Her whole staff is cursing at each other and yelling and fighting and she's like, I like to wear a big hat because people don't like to get under it, get a little space. It's like a great Lisa. Thanks. So then the episode ends with Lala. Now that I made seven hundred forty eight dollars today. I just had to say that. She's like, do you want to hang out in the back room, you know, because this is where people who are addicts stay addicts are in the back here and everyone else has fun out there. Hey, do you want me to show you where the Jack Daniels is? I don't want you to be at. I don't want you to be an addict. Okay, nice logic in the break room. She and she's asking Shay how it was going and he's like, yeah, you know, I've only had a few beers. Today, I'm just watching everybody else get fucked up. I'm like, uh, dude, you can't pat yourself on the shoulders because you've only had a couple to a few beers. You still drinking. It's like you didn't quit anything. Shay get out of here. He's like, I turned on my fitness pal and now we're friends and I don't have to stick to his rules because now we're friends. Stupid. Stupid. So anyway, the episode ends with law and Jack's going off to a party together, a hand in hand and Jack's is just like, she's like annoyed at James and Jack's like, you have to understand you're hanging out with a 22 year old who's just gonna feed you all sorts of shit. I was like, oh, that's rich. That's rich Jack's. Yep. Which is, it's like, again, it's like, it's lines like that. It's the, it's the lack of self-awareness. Oh, speaking of lack of self-awareness, I forgot to point this one out after Lauren's going, are you fucking kidding? To her boyfriend in the bathroom snorting Kim's leftovers. She goes, I can't trust anyone right now. It's like, really, but you're the one, you're the one who just cheated on your friends with your friends, boyfriend on your boyfriend and you're complaining about not being able to trust anyone. This show is amazing. Honestly, there's just like nine time soaps don't have anything on the Vanderpump rules. We say it every, this shit happens every season, like, I want to say you can't make it up, but it probably is all made up, but I don't care, because the thing is that, again, if you look at it just plot-wise, you have, you have James and you have this crazy ex-Christian who then comes and eggs on James's current fuck buddy, Lala. Lala yells at James and so Jack sees his opportunity. He soups in, James gets jealous, so James tells Lala that her bestie Lauren is the one who he slept with, so Lala decides to get revenge by blowing up Lauren's spot by telling Anthony that Lauren slept with James, Anthony, and Lauren get into a fight and Lala and Jack's right off into sunset. I mean, it's cruel intentions. It's amazing. It's just, it's just so great. But at the end, they've all got Coke in their necklace. They all got Coke. They all got Coke in there. They're all of a city character. They all got burned books and they're all dead at the funeral. And then you've got Katie on the side going, "What's with all these people slapping and biting each other? I just don't get it." I'm like, "Oh my god. Not that I'm rooting for anybody to get slapped and bitten, but I'm like, of course Katie's the only one who doesn't know what the hell's going on anymore." She will, she'll have her, you know, Katie, the thing is with Katie is she seems to always have a moment somewhere in the middle of the season where she suddenly becomes awful and vile and you, and you always go, "Oh wait, Katie is the worst. Isn't she?" She just becomes nasty and terrible and she does something crazy and then she becomes normal again. Yeah. Then she's like, "I'm sorry." I'm a little worried that she may have learned from her mistakes. Like she hasn't gotten drunk. Tom hasn't poured anything on her head yet. So we saw that. And today she's literally wearing a dress from the 50s. It's like they're just sending her back in time. For Katie. Do something crazy, Katie. Katie's the new tutti. Like she's going to be in a carpool next week just because she likes the feeling. She doesn't even have kids yet. She's like, "I'm sick of waiting for Tom. I'm running carpool by myself. All right. Anybody who slept with somebody else or slapped and kicked and bitten someone, get into suburban. We're going to school." Well, sir is next to the we-ho library. So maybe she is going to be tutti. So anyway, let's wrap this up because we've been going for hours and hours and hours and hours. So phone and find us on watch at crappins.com for all of our social media links. And for our bonus episodes, come over to patreon.com/watchworkrapins. We love you guys. We will be back Thursday to talk about Real Housewives. And also, Real Housewives at Beverly Hills. We'll see you then. We love you Starpeas. Textures, the app that gives you an all access pass to the world's best magazines right on your phone or tablet. If you want a free trial, go to texture.com/crapins. If you like Watch What Crapins, you can listen ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery App or on Apple Podcasts. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey at wondery.com/survey. Hello, ladies and gers, boys and girls. The Grinch is back again to ruin your Christmas season with 'Tis The Grinch Holiday Podcast. After last year, he's learned a thing or two about hosting, and he's ready to rant against Christmas cheer and roast his celebrity guests like chestnuts on an open fire. You can listen with the whole family as guest stars like John Ham, Britney Broski, and Danny DeVito try to persuade the mean old Grinch that there's a lot to love about the insufferable holiday season. But that's not all. Somebody stole all the children of Whoville's letters to Santa, and everybody thinks the Grinch is responsible. It's a real Whoville who'd done it. Can Cindy Lou and Max help clear the Grinch's name? Grab your hot cocoa and cozy slippers to find out. Follow 'Tis The Grinch Holiday Podcast on the Wondery App or wherever you get your podcasts. Unlock weekly Christmas mystery bonus content and listen to every episode ad-free by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery App, Spotify, or Apple Podcasts.
