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Because whatever you're into, it's on Prime. ♪ Watch what crap is ♪ ♪ Watch what crap is ♪ ♪ Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap is ♪ ♪ Crapins ♪ ♪ Crapins ♪ ♪ Crap ♪ ♪ Crap ♪ ♪ Crapins ♪ ♪ Watch what crap is ♪ ♪ Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap is ♪ ♪ Who cares what crap is ♪ ♪ Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap is ♪ ♪ Crapins ♪ Hey everyone, welcome to Watch for Crapins, a podcast about all the crap on Bravo. We all just love to watch and joke about and talk about and listen to other people talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker from bsideblog.com and the Bantablender podcast. I am officially about 50 pounds heavier because I spent 12 days eating my way through Thanksgiving. And even though Thanksgiving is just one day, I stretch it out into 12 days. Anyway, joining me as always is the wonderful and great and hilarious and super comfortable in his couch desk. Ronnie Karam from trashtalktv.com. Hi Ronnie. Hello everybody. Hello. Ben, I'm so happy to have you home, honey. Oh, it's so nice to be back and you were so great over Thanksgiving. It was, you know, we were just going to do, we were going to pre-record two episodes and just post them up there. And you really rose to, it wasn't, I don't know if you say rose to challenge, but you were, you served the podcast well. You put out so much content on your own. Overcompensating when I'm with that mubbing. Also, those were also supposed to be 30-minute conversations with people that I just like. I thought, oh, this will be fun. I'll get to talk to people I'd love to talk to for half an hour and put it in an episode. And then of course, they were each two to three hours long, you know. Of course. So it just worked out that way, who now? Well, it was really great and I'm very, I'm very thankful for you for doing so much work and taking that on your shoulders. Oh, no, it's not on my shoulders. It's so much fun. It's just pressing record, talking to friends, ain't the theme of the day being. That's true. That's true. I will tell you, I really, really, everybody I talked to, obviously, is amazing. If you haven't heard any of those episodes, go listen, Kate and Nadine Rajabi's episode was so awesome to listen to because it was behind the scenes stuff. Like they talk a lot of crap and it's really cool to listen to. Anyway, all of them were good. Katie, Kazula, Julia, Cunningham, Angie, Thomas. All those girls were so much fun and there's no work doing it. Just sit around talking crap with your friends. It is. Yeah. You did a great job. Oh, yeah. I was going to say, I forgot what I was going to say, Ben. I'm sorry to interrupt you to say what I forgot I was going to say earlier. Let's say it. I really appreciate you even more on Thanksgiving because, Ben, you just make it so easy. And if we do crazy voices, we'll do them together for half an hour, you know? People aren't like, what are you doing? Why are you talking with that? Port Julia, Cunningham didn't even, we had only met in a hallway, you know? She didn't really know what she was getting into. And then I would just start going crazy, like, during Shana or whatever voices. And she was such a good sport. And I thought, God, that poor girl is probably horrified, which is how it should be after a first date with me. That's all they have, how the real one send up to Julia Cunningham. We can be deranged together and deranged with our listeners. It's really cool that people are on board for our craziness, especially with, you know, now that we have Real Housewives of Cheshire, you know, I think we have never been crazier than we have been doing our Cheshire shows. I mean, we are like, we have gone over the deep end when we do those. So if you were listening, if you're not even watching the Cheshire, the, you know, Real Housewives of Cheshire, and if you like us doing our voices, that's kind of like, that's like pure undiluted, strange, strange voice sounds. Complete nonsense that you're not going to understand probably 30 minutes out of an hour. Well, you know, who seems to like it is Lauren's husband. He's been posting on Facebook. Did you see that? Yes. And that's hilarious. But also you have to remember being and everybody else. We actually have not watched this show. So I mean, we've watched it, obviously, the two that we've recapped because they just started showing it on Bravo on Saturday mornings. But it's in season two now, and I think they just made their season two finale. So a lot of people already know all the stuff that's going to happen. Not like it's like the Sopranos where you have to, you know, like certain plot points or whatever. But apparently someone commented that the husbands really get involved in this show. So this is like, I guess the husbands have become the bitches. Oh, that's exciting as they'd say on Atlanta. And so you never know, be careful who you're too nice to because you might turn out to be Jim Marchese. Yeah, that's true too. So everyone, he, Lauren's husband was commenting on Facebook. And if you would like to join in or even chat with him, probably, you come to facebook.com/watchworkrapins. We also have watchworkrapins.com, which Ronnie has been tirelessly tinkering away at. And that has links to all our social media and all and stuff like that, which is seeps cool. And then Patreon. You can support us on patreon, patreon.com/watchworkrapins. You can, you know, there are all different levels you can contribute at. We have bonus episodes. We do bonus episodes every week. This week, we talked about Thanksgiving. We talked about Vicki's new fragrance, and we had some fun with that. And we also went into the Crapins mailbag. Because if you remember, we were originally going to do a Crapins mailbag Thanksgiving episode, but we actually said did a giant bonus episode portion with that. So we have about half an hour of that, which is really fun. We had a lot of fun with that. And also, we have to really thank the listeners who are spreading the word about our podcast. Our numbers keep going up. Last month, we had about 170,000 plays of our podcast. And this, and November, what I should say in October, we did it because now it's December. And in November, we had over 200,000 plays. Our audience was, yeah, I looked at the stats and that is crazy. You know, we hit number three at one point during the month. It was really amazing for us. So thank you so much for supporting us and getting the word out. And yeah, hell yeah, thank you guys. Awesome. Super, super cool. It's like, it's crazy to think that, you know, all these weird voices that we were just talking about, that it's going out to 200,000 years, or at least 200,000 times. The most amazing thing to me and really Thanksgiving is one of those days where I force myself to like just sit here and be thankful, even if I don't want to. And this year, I actually did want to. And it came very natural to me. But just to think that I've tried so many things over the course of my life that just never work and people are like, you're stupid. And then this one, we don't even try. We just like sit here on the phone and just talk about crap on TV. I mean, what the hell, who knew? I don't know if that'll ever happen again, but I'll love it. That's right. It just goes to show people like friendship. Oh, Ben! I love you, Ben! See that little weird noise, that's our Andrea voice. That just went out to 200,000 people. Not really. Well, let's get like Andrea and cancel that segment and move on to the... Oh wait, I wanted to say one more thing about the patreon. Everybody on Patreon, the ringers for last month are there. So don't forget to go get your ringers. And also, this month, there's a little special because it's the month of Christmas. And just talking to Kate Chastain so much, really like her. We're kind of spirit maids. She's my spirit maid. And she loves to text in gifts, like she'll text reaction gifts. She has an entire library full. So to thank her for talking to us for what, for hours and something this month, I made her a collection of reaction gifts that she can use in her texts. And I've started using them too because Kate's reactions are hilarious. They're mostly from the below deck reunion. They're just her making faces like, shut the fuck up, Taraki. They're mostly that. So if you guys want to make a bunch of Kate faces in your gifts, they're right now on the Crap-ins premium download feed. And they'll be there the entire month of December. And there will be a link posted on Patreon to get those. So come get your gifts. If you don't use that in text or whatever, who cares? They're still going to be ringers. Everything else will still be there this month. But just so you know, if you want some below deck gifts, there's some really good ones there. There's even one of Amy going, "Well, I loved your salad." Taraki in the reunion. Check them out. You know, by the way, the night that Rocky made the Grenadine oysters, the guy who like threw up, he posted on Facebook, I think it was this week saying that the meal was awful. It was like, it was inedible. And they were just too polite to say anything to the crew. Though that was everybody this year. All of the guests, no matter what happened, they were like, "This is delicious." Except the one guy who was like, "You didn't pair the fronsie up properly." Could have a chicken quesadilla now? Yeah, they were all told be nice to the chef because we don't want to mess up his eyebrows and also ask for a quesadilla just to make a man. You know, one thing that I love about Kate is that she always has like a lovely little sweater in the morning. And it makes me wonder if she has an ugly Christmas sweater because you know what? I think everyone needs an ugly Christmas sweater this time of year. And you know what else? If you want bragging rights for the most talked about sweater at your Christmas party, you all better listen up. Did you see those guys on Shark Tank a couple of weeks ago with their latest update? Everyone is talking about Tipsy Elves and once they're outrageous Christmas sweaters. Talk about your Tipsy Elves sweater. I just did the total Stevie Elf. You're like, "Hey guys, talk about your Tipsy Elves sweater." Wait, we don't want to ask you to sign the website. Okay, I'm supposed to talk about my Tipsy Elves sweater but they sent my Tipsy Elves sweater to Ronnie. Yeah, let me tell you about Ben's Tipsy Elves sweater. Oh, I have it. Also, Ben and I are like weird brothers. Ben, it comes time to pick products. We always pick the same one. But also, in this case, it was probably one that we can wear to joke parties and also serious because it's pretty cute. Yeah. But yeah, Tipsy Elves has a bunch of hilarious Christmas sweaters. I really love the Jesus. Oh yeah, and Hanukkah. And onesies, if you need a onesie, which I do. I would level onesie, Ben. Will you give me a onesie for Christmas? I sure will. I'll get you one that looks like a unicorn like Carolyn Sandberry. Like yeah, my sweater is Ninja Gingerbreads. Ninja, wait, Ninja Breads. Ninja Breads, I think you call it. But it's so cute. And I never have anything cute to wear for Christmas. So, like, Tipsy Elves? Yeah, I like that one too. Because they have a lot of ones that are like people giving blow jobs and farting and stuff like that. And I was like, I'm not going to wear that. For the rain beers. The rain beers boning. The rain beer boning. Yeah, but you won't, the Ninja. But they have some funny ones that are not like that too, which is what I liked. Because I am a gentleman. And my Gingerbread men shall only be doing martial arts. And not to make sure. It's like a Spencer guess. There's the adult section. And there's also the tasteful adults. It's like if you were 22, then the rain deers humping, then that's perfect for you. It's perfect. But when you're like 37, you know, I'm more apt. I shouldn't say I'm 37. I still have like five days left. But I'm more into the martial arts. Because you know what? I like the arts. I like the arts. When you're past 40, you're just thankful to have a sweater. Actually, they also have- I can't even see what's on this sweater, but I'm cold. They also have one for, they've won. That's like it emulates the one from the Christmas story, that the kid wore Ralphie. But it was sold out when we got to get out. Those bastards! They're probably ready again. Because it's almost time to order. Trust us when we tell you that tipsy else Christmas sweaters are like nothing you've seen before. Literally. They're not for the faint of heart. Nobody's won these ugly sweaters before you. So you don't have to worry about finding your size. And you have a ton of styles to choose from. While you're shopping for your ugly sweater, check out the other holiday and collegiate attire for yourself. Or as a gift. Like adult onesies. Right now. Hour onesie. Right now, our listeners get 20% off tipsy elves.com. On anything they order on the site. Yeah, go do it now so you have the best selection to choose from. And you have it in time for your ugly Christmas sweater party. Go to tipsy elves.com. Enter our code side show at checkout to get your 20% site wide discount. That's tipsy elves.com and our code side show. Just what that was our last ad of the day. Oh, that's amazing. Okay, so let's move on to these shows. There's a lot of brovy brobs. Brovy, brov, brov. And we have so much coming up this week with the Bravo. It gave me a headache. And I was like, what are we going to do? I'm going to cry. And then I realized it's all amazing. It's all amazing. So Thursday's show is going to be a little banana. It's because we have Return of Beverly Hills. We have Return of Top Chef. We have Shasha. And we also have Below Deck reunion. So we got a big Thursday. And if we had been... I didn't realize that Below Deck had another reunion episode. So otherwise I would have said Shasha today. But I didn't. Shasha. Shasha. Today's going to be Atlanta and Vanderpump Rules. And honestly, is there anything else you really need in an episode? I don't think so. Maybe a warm sweater. Really great. Yeah. So we'll start with Atlanta's. Yes, please. Let's do it! So we opened You Miss Last Week, which I think the best thing... I saw last week's episode. I saw last week's episode. I'm totally caught up on Atlanta. Okay, I was just going to say we didn't get to talk about... We just broke! And getting, like, fake dumped by Cynthia. Yeah. Which I'm so sure is really happening. Get out of here. She's taking that shit directly from Nini in the season that she started. Like, can you even steal something from maybe a different franchise? Or maybe at least a housewife that you weren't obviously stealing from anyway in season one? Stupid Cynthia. Stupid Cynthia. I'm going to pretend to divorce your husband now. And then let me guess. Are you going to pretend to have another... fake re-wedding to him too? Get out of here, Cynthia! Do you know Nini, okay? The only original thing she ever did was have fibroids. Even that wasn't original because Candy had them first. Guess who doesn't get a spin-off? Ethel, okay. They're going to say fibroids. There's no Barney Rubble coming down the pike. Get out of here. Okay, no spin-offs for you, Cynthia. Your own stories. Yeah, that's right. We saw that. We saw that Mary telling Moore spin-off that the serious one with Ed Asner didn't work. And the reason I bring that... You know what? And Laverne didn't work either. And she was the first name. So that goes for you too, Nini. And Joey didn't work either. Nuded the Tortellys, okay? You know what? This is a huge lesson for Nini and Cynthia. Keep your jobs. Well, I'm glad. I'm glad Nini's gone. I'm glad Nini's gone. Yeah, I am too. But I'm only bringing up that that's a big-ass fake stolen storyline for Nini. Because this entire episode is full of fake stolen storylines from the show. Yeah, I still love this show. But come on guys, it's like pink by numbers here. Okay, so that's the first. And then also in the opening, I noticed when Dr. Jackie was on last week, she was talking about how Candy was spotting. And she was wearing a polka-dotted shirt. Okay, that's what I would say. Now I'll do whatever you want. Oh, it's so literal. I bet she wasn't wearing a Ninja Gingerbread sweater. I just thought it was really deep last night. And I was like, wow, spots. They're talking about spotting. People need to know this. So the episode began with Kenya walking down the street to Chateau Shire. She's and she's like, yeah, it's not Shire. I say Ephron. So I thought I'd come on and say hi. And they show this like footage of Shire sweeping the front stoop. As if anyone's even living there. As if the stoop is even ready. There's not even a staircase to the stoop. Even know how to sweep. When I was a kid, my parents sent me to drama camp. And I was in that play the pajama game. Oh, yeah, we did that at my high school. You did, yeah. And, you know, I was just a tiny little part. I was in the chorus. But at this one, it takes place in a factory. And at one part, all I had to do was sweep. And I didn't know how to sweep. I was like a privileged little fuck, you know, I know. And my family still makes fun of me. They're like, remember when you did that play? When you were like 12 and you had to pretend to sweep. And you didn't know how. And no one bothered to teach me either. Were you like, did you have like the broom part up by your head and a pole down on the ground? You're like, huh, it just seems awfully inefficient. I think I was just sweeping it back and forth. So if I was sweeping it that way, then I was just sweeping it the other way. And there was imaginary dirt just flying everywhere. That's what Sharaya was doing. Because there was like a pig pen cloud around her, you know. And the best part is Kenya shows up, you know. What would just trick you to, by the way? Because Kenya showed up from walking downhill, which we all know is alive because she lives in the gutters. She lives in a ditch. You know that Kenya went around the block up the hill and then walked down so that she could be seen coming down a hill this way. She's one of the two fakest bitches on the show. And I love every second of their time together. Exactly. Well, I mean, what was fake to me was that like, Kenya shows up and she's like, oh, what did I do here? Because, you know, Sharaya has like a weird voice these days. She's like, oh, what did you do? She like has this high pitch sort of pigeon. She sounds like a pigeon. And she like, she speaks. That's what she's trying to be nice. That's what she's trying to be nice. You know, she's trying to be nice. Because that hurt your head. Cattle! But she just speaks it. But she also has like a clipped way. She says her words in a very clipped way. She's like, oh, what are you doing here? What are you doing here? That's how she talks. That's how she talks normally. When she's very upset. But it's like someone's like pressing. It's like someone's scrubbing the audio fast all of a sudden. Like, oh, we need to advance this three seconds. Okay. What are you doing here? What are you doing here? So, um, so I love that they're like, she's like, Oh, what's Kenny doing here? What's Kenny doing here? And it's like, you're miked up, bitch. Five second scrub on the final cut. Yeah, she is. So, but she's acting all surprised. And she's, I just like that she's fully miked up. And like, acting as if she just happens to be there sweeping. But to be fair, she wasn't sweats. And like, uh, like a little like exercise top. So she did make herself look, you know, appropriately sweepy. This was all ridiculous. Kenya's mummy boob shirt was really weird. And it's like, she's wrapped like a mummy. Coming down a hill that she doesn't live up. And then Cheray pretending to sweep in front of a completely locked house. Came inside. I want to go inside. So she starts running around. It's locked. You can't get inside. What the hell, Cheray? You're just standing outside of your house, sweeping randomly and not going in ever. And then Kenny just happens to get out of here. Who sweeps? Who sweeps the construction site anyway? I mean, is she expecting guests? She's like, Oh yeah, there's some ruts coming through. Dudding with this tape on the windows. There's no need to sweep. Next thing is Lisa Vanderpump's going to come through and like adjust some of the glasses. This needs to be claimed to show that she has some sort of job. Lisa's going to be like, I'd love to hang some large iron torture devices. Lamps all over in giant pots. Ken, ring jiggy. We need planters. Planters all over, Cheray. Cheray would be like, What's that? A dog? You're right. She doesn't do that high talking. She's sort of like a lady Scooby-Doo. And then Kenya has her fake eye thing. That's an evil fun. Their voices were hilarious with these two trying to be nice to each other. So this devolved into a competition house. Cheray is like, What are you doing here? You just slipped by it? And Ken is like, yeah, I told you, I just slipped 500 feet. And Cheray goes, Girl, really? I'm like, Do you not remember telling her last week she lived in the ditch? Yeah, like hello. So it turns into this weird competition where they're both smiling and being nice, but still bitches to each other. Yeah. And then it turns into a conversation where Cheray is like, Yeah, well, it's, it's hard getting much. You got lights. You got lights. She's like, Yeah, I got lights. You got electrical electrical, electrical, but I don't, I don't, I don't endorse. What about floors? You got floors in there. You got toilets. You got evil spirits. You got evil spirits. Cause I got some evil spirits. I bought mine on a graveyard. You do that too. It's like an electrical and a ghost. It's the spite of what's not done on their house. And they make a deal. Whoever's done before Christmas. Well, spoiler alert. I don't think either one of them were done. Somebody post, I think it was Kyle. Kyle, if it's not you. Love you still, Kyle. I crampus is like, crampus is like, they both look like great houses to me. I'm putting them both in a bathtub. I'm putting them both in a bathtub on my back and taking them to hell. Whoever, whoever gets crampus to come over first wins. Crampus, crampus is like a Santa Claus, but nobody's finished him. And that's because he can't get contracts. It's in that restaurant, Santa. Crampus, bitch, get in my bathtub. Hi, crampus. I understand where crampus is coming from. Because the mayor just won't give him his contracts. Is that why I can't crampus? I'm about to put some children in a bathtub and take them to hell too. I get it, crampus. I get it. Crampus is now a cast member of Real Housewives of Atlanta. And his opening line is, I don't care if you've been naughty or nice. You're still on my list. And it should be right after Kim. He's like, big family and a full-time job. Those are my facts of life. And he's like, I'm going to beat you up, Kim. Like horrible. He's like, I'm going to take you to hell. Wow. Is this what people are like now? I haven't been out of my house in so long. She's like Julie. I think we should just do Tootie as Julie now. Because she just basically became Julie in this episode. Yeah, I just know my kids and my husband. I just need a business. Does anybody want to buy a glass? So anyway, after this house comparison thing happens. First of all, some things that Shire says you just can't even understand because she is so garbled. But I did hear at one point she goes, she was talking about Kenya coming over. She's like, bitch, where my cookie's at? I was like, what? Why is she asking for cookies? But then later on, she kept on making the jokes. So I got it eventually. But at that moment, I was like, why is she asking for cookies? And then my favorite thing that Shire said during this whole thing, and she goes, Kenya needs to worry about that bone in the ditch before she worries about mine. Born in the ditch. Girl, you need to get a roof over your head before you throw shade. She's funny. My favorite thing she said when I can't understand her, when she's talking so fast and clip, I was saying it to myself way after it ended. I have lights. Do you have lights? I have lights. Do you have lights? What? What conversation is this? Okay. So Kenya is going to have a party on a boat to celebrate the demise of Cynthia's marriage because Kenya's an awful human being. It's like the second somebody has trouble in their marriage, she's like, let's celebrate. Let's go on a boat. Yeah. Jesus. And then so she invites to straighten that. And then then we move on to this stripper clothing store, where Portia's lease pulls up in this parking lot. I was like, girl, you need to save your money. I'm Bentley, what is it? A Bentley or a Rolls? I get them confused. One of those giant cost half a million dollars or whatever. Yeah. So she's there. She and Phaedra go into this place looking for stripper clothes because Portia is trying to keep the spark alive with Duke. So she wants to look real sexy when she facetimes with him. So she want to get some sexy clothing and they just sort of, it's sort of like a nothing scene. They just sort of like walked around. It's a scene where Portia and Phaedra are pretending to be friends, even though they have nothing in common and they never sleep through each other. And it's totally obvious. And every time they see each other, Phaedra's like, oh girl, look at that booty. Yeah, that's all she says. Look at your booty. Look at you. So sexy. Look at your boot. Look at your booty. All they do is talk about ass and like, you're so sexy. And then they go into a sex shop. The older lady vagina still working. I mean, how many times have I ever said that in a day like 10. And then it was just, wasn't this, was this the, was this when she and, oh, never mind. That was from last episode. So I watched both episodes last night. I'm forgetting certain things. Yes, they just were in there doing exactly what you just said. And my favorite part was that when they went to pay, it was like slash was working behind the register. It was not what I was expecting. Well, welcome, welcome to the sex pit. Meepers like, I love your establishment with the key chains and the duty does and the hodehose. Thank you, sir. I'm like, Oh, get out of here. Like you've never been in a sex shop before. Please. Yeah. Not like she would act like that. She is the one who did bring chocolate or no, Mr. Ridiculous. Yes. I'm ridiculous. I'm ridiculous. I'm ridiculous. Yeah. It's a chocolate or whatever. Yeah. And then, and also, yeah, exactly. And she was the one who went when they went to the Caribbean. I think it was the Caribbean, or whoever it was. Her bathing suit that had like the macrame like cover all the super like stripper bathing suit on. Yeah, her catch a whale. Her catch a whale foundation thing. Catch a whale or save a whale. It's hot at the sea. Chicken of the sea. So instead of talking about fake happy sex lives that don't exist, I'd love to talk about fake miserable sex lives that don't exist. Like candy and Todd and Cynthia and Peter. Yeah. So we go over to Candy's house. How can you live in Candy's house? I think it's tackling tastefully done, if that makes any sense. Yeah. It's like tacky and tasteful. Yeah. But it's very bright. Everything in there's shiny. You can't eat on a shiny velvet couch, Candy. A shiny, light, purple couch. How is she eating hot? You know, you know, she's getting mustard on that couch. Like it's candy. Yeah. She's getting, it's not mustard and at least tartar sauce. You need to get some plastic on that couch like my city had, or you just need a pleather couch. What are you doing? She needs like... This whole scene I was worried about the couch. Yeah. No, she needs like one of those little like tables that go over the couch. So that way she can eat in safety as if she was in first class. So she's telling us, oh, I work so much. I just can't stop working even pregnant. Here I am on my shiny couch. No one's allowed to sit on them the day time. Yeah. Not eating anything with mustard on it and working. And then she's on the phone with Don Juan. And this is her working. He's like, are you eating? Because you've got food, you've got food issues. Yeah. It's funny because my note was before the scene opened, I was like, God, Candy looks like she's 40 months pregnant. And then she's like, yeah, it's it. Nah. And then my fourth month, I'm like fourth month. Girl. With quadruplets. Yeah. Girl, you're your fourth month. Like with a cinnabon opening. Yeah. I mean, I don't want I'm not trying to like fat shame or anything, especially since she's pregnant. But like, you know, there's some people when they're pregnant, they just get super pregnant, like Kim Kardashian and Mariah Curie. They just like, they get pregnant. Like every organ gets pregnant. Well, those girls normally do it because they never eat. So actually, I think Candy's doing pretty good because Candy was, you know, a little thick to begin with. And then she's just got a baby growing under there because I remember Kim Kardashian got like really big because she finally got to eat. I mean, when you first allow yourself to like eat something like, I don't know, pizzas and french fries, your body comes to life in a way. Like you feel the cells dying as you eat it, by the way. Yeah. But your body comes to life. Trust me. Happens to me. Every day. Oh, okay. We call that we call that fat ready. You've been holding back, holding back. And then finally, you can eat it's like, you know, having a Kelly Clarkson, it happened to Jessica Simpson, happens a lot of people. You know, you can just sort of see some people are just fat ready. And they're just, they're holding on for your life. But at some point, sometimes you're going to switch and then they will be able to be fat finally. Yes. And you know, something that's made me very happy as much as I talk about eating and fat and blah, blah, blah, and act like a woman about it. There's something that happened to me lately where I just don't really care as much. And it's so lovely. And it makes me feel bad seeing people on TV care. So like when candy cares, even though we make jokes and stuff, mostly we make jokes because they're insecure about it. And it's fun to make jokes about stuff like that. But candy has small, like she's ever been a supermodel anyway. And no one needs her to be. She's beautiful the way she is. I don't need a scandy bobblehead candy walking around. And actually, like ironically enough, even though we're talking about how she looks super pregnant, just because she looks super pregnant, it's not the same as someone that looks like they're like super fat. Because she actually looks like she's lost a lot of weight in her face, I'll be enough. Yeah, she doesn't look like mistake pregnant where you say, "When do you do?" and they're like, "Oh, how dare you? I'm just big." Like she looks real pregnant, like you can see the bump. But also rhyming with candy. Is candy, and last or when we last found her from Fools, Tandy was wearing this big gigantic burka on her lap so that she was trying to like hide herself as if that was going to minimize her. Like she was not incredibly shrinking. That was very... She's like, "Mother, do you have a gigantic couch for me to sit on?" So I looked like a little girl and she's like, "No darling, just have this purse." It was very sexy in the city. It was like when Sarah Jessica Parker was pregnant on Sex in the City and they kept on having to shoot like all these like big purses to hide it. Yes, or Seinfeld or whatever. Seinfeld in the lane, yeah. But the thing about that is if she is pregnant, I hope she is pregnant and Lisa is just saving that for a storyline 'cause that's Lisa, you know. She was like, "Don't tell anybody we're getting an entire two hours on the housewives about this," telling. But I hope she's pregnant and not just being insecure about her weight 'cause that's another one. As much as we toy, girl, you beautiful how you are. Stop worrying about that shit. You're rich or gorgeous. You already have a gay husband. Who cares? Eat for Christ's sake. Well, anyway, so moving on. Had to get it out because the Pandora thing has been an actual discussion on the internet and I'm like, really, we're all talking about this girl. Really? Yeah, but most of it's 'cause everybody thinks she's pregnant. And I'm like, you know, it just left me to a deeper thought this week 'cause I was like, "Do I really need a skinny candy or a skinny panty?" No, I definitely have. Thin people should be in pain. I love Vanderpump rules people to be thin and hurting. Okay, but not you, darling. Eat something. You both have jobs. Yes, skinny. We don't need, we like, fat candy, fat panty. And you know what I would have also have liked back in the day? A fat Jessica Tandy. Sorry, I had to go for the rhyme. It was the first one that came to me. And the Tandy. You know, I love her. She would have made a good housewife. She would have Jessica Tandy. Yeah. Oh, yeah. With ten faces. Driven everywhere. She's like, "Meet my new friend. It's an alien that needs batteries." We should be like, "Oh, Morgan Freeman. Hello, darling. I met you at Muhammad's house." And he's like, "That's not my big big man." "You're Muhammad's house." Jessica Tandy would be like, "All right, Hulk." Said his name. "All right, Hulk. Take this party bus to pick up the girls." He's driving this daisy around in like a party bus from Shaw's. Picking up all the girls. Well, she says racist shit in the backseat. Oh, we should talk by the, well, how about this? After Atlanta, there is some Shaw's, a sunset gossip, some really big shots, a sunset gossip. We haven't even talked about. Oh, well, this is a good scene to talk about it in, because we're talking about terrible marriages that don't work. Okay, so Mike and Jessica are getting divorced. She filed for divorce. She's already been seen. She like, she went out to Craig's in West Hollywood, which is one of those like, you know, it's a, it's a restaurant you go to where the pop rots are outside. It's where you want to, it's where you get your photo taken. So she's already gotten her photo taken with a new guy. Her face is getting more and more distorted every single time, and her boobs are getting larger. But she, I think she, is she alleging that Mike cheated on her? Well, duh. Yeah, like what, like look what you married. I mean, it's his fault. It's his fault. I'm not trying to blame her, but like it's also, he's a dirt bag and he should be divorced. But also Jessica, like, you know, think about your role in it too. Not your role in it, but think about what you married. I mean, you had a lot of warning signs. I don't even care. I think that it's much better for divorce than marriage what they're doing. I don't think they're hurting the institution of marriage. I think they're helping the institution of divorce, because if divorce was made for anybody, it's you too. Yeah, they are helping the institution of divorce. I'm glad they never had a baby. Because that would have just been a terrible combination of jeans. Well, I've got to go about humanity in general, but especially Shaw's humanity. Yeah, I don't even believe it. Like she, she knew he was cheating the whole time. They happened to be shooting when all this is happening. If she really gave a shit that he was cheating, she would have dumped him the second she saw that pool party scene or whatever. When she found out about Gold Nessa and when she saw him talking about all the women at the party like that, when he's like, obviously fucking people. Like, come on, now lady. Now you're upset that he's cheating. Guess what I feel about his sore feet as I do icky vicks. Well, it just means that we're going to have a season of Reza being like, "Well, now we should have to apologize to Gigi." Like, how pervert is that to not apologize? No, because they've already gone against Mike. So if Mike's back this season, that means they're going after someone new, because Reza tries to ruin somebody new every single year. Well, I think one of his friendships and completely maligns the first turn. It's awesome. It's awesome. It's awesome. It's awesome turn, yeah. I guess we saw the beginnings of that last year. Because, yeah, we did. Because what'll happen is the first two or three episodes will be them basically doing that thing where they say, "We'll take you back if you admit you're wrong doing now that you've left." And Mike will be so anti-jessica that he'll come in. He'll say something. He'll be back. And yes, it'll be-- Asa has not really-- Well, Asa, for season one, Asa was the outsider, but now it's her turn. Yeah, because she was on the outside of that whole bachelor party situation. Well, Reza took her in when he was fighting with MJ the season that he threw her under the bus for no reason. I hate saying throw her under the bus, but I mean, it is Bravo. And then he took her in again the next season when he was friends with MJ again, but was throwing Mike under the bus. He always keeps her from back up with whatever friend he's betraying at the moment. And Lily too. You have her there with Gigi and Lily. You're right here, so now it's her turn. The thing is, who still sticks with Reza? I mean, Jesus Christ. How stupid do you have-- Well, I mean-- I know. No, they're going to-- Yeah, they're-- It's a loaded question. I mean, there's a chance they may go-- But he may go after Gigi again just because she's an easy target. And it feels like you have to come back to Gigi every two years. You have to alienate her every two years to keep her fresh. It's like a field. You have to burn it to make sure it plays back. Yes, I know. We used to have to do that in Texas. What have you not had to do in Texas, Ron? And he's like, yeah, you had to sweep in the play. You had to like paint a bowling alley. You had to make a field go fallow. I mean, or salow. [LAUGHTER] I mean, what have you not done? Maybe you can chat this to a book no one needs to read, Ben, basically. I want to read it. So, yeah, no, they're going to go after Gigi or Asa. I mean, they could go after that new girl. I hope that Asa-- I hope she's just not back entirely. I think she's just ditching. Oh, God. She won't be back, right? I hope not about her. I hope I forgot about her. Oh, she's one of the worst. Oh, but Bobby doesn't understand me. Bobby, you're stupid. [YELLING] You're a baby. I can't even. I can't. I'm stressing out now, and they're not even back on the air. I deserve the vacation from them, and I'm taking it. Fuck off, people. I don't care that you're divorced. Stop getting in front of the cameras. You look crazy. Yeah. So, talking about dysfunctional marriages. So, let's go to Cynthia now. So, Cynthia is at home. Cynthia, Peter's in Charlotte, and it cracked me up. Because I, you know, I-- Are you at home? Are you at Candies? Because Cynthia has this-- Oh, is that where it was? Oh, yeah, you're right. Yeah, she went over to Candies now. That's right. I was like trying to remember, you know. So, yes, Cynthia is there with Candie, and Cynthia is-- I guess-- I think Candie said, like, where's Peter? And she's like, oh, and Charlotte. And it just made me laugh, because last episode, Peter's like, I'm going to do whatever it takes to make you see how much I love you. And it's like, this episode. He's gone. We love the next day. Yeah, go go back to Charlotte to, you know. You got to love Cynthia. These two are another pair that are obviously not friends. Candie's giving her that look like a fart. You know, like, someone farted in an elevator, and Candie's just giving her that disapproving luxetos, where she's like, mmm, she's looking at her like that. And she's not even saying anything yet. And Cynthia's like, well, I just wanted to come over, and, you know, see how you're doing. I just wanted to check on the baby. Five words. Yeah. Yeah, and then I like that Candie's like, see? Nair, top, top, but on the offer on a building. And I love Cynthia's look. She had this look on her face like he put an offer on a building, and he told you about it? Like, what is that? I don't understand. [LAUGHTER] Something's going wrong. She's like, yes, well, you know, I've had five words too, Candie. So I totally get it. Candie's like, yeah, I'll have the five words. You know, they're bad, but whatever. And Cynthia's like, yes, well, congratulations. Now you have an excuse to not have sex with Peter for a year. But then you're going to have to come up with something new. So get ready to get that restaurant out of town, girl. Yeah. Well, it was funny, also, because then on top of that one, Candie said that Todd wants to open up a restaurant. Again, Cynthia had that look almost as if like-- she's like, are you serious? Like, is it going to be like next to a highway? Is it going to be terribly mismanaged? I don't understand. Like, what are you doing? Was there anyone famous shot to houses away that you could like use? Like, I got up at a restaurant without a freeway nearby. Why would you give Todd somewhere to just stand in the middle of high and drunk? Is he going to do that? Is he going to be putting a giant photo of you in the foyer of the restaurant? So Candie made it very clear in this scene. First of all, spin off. OK, so Candie made it very clear in this scene that this is not her idea to open a restaurant. This is the husband's idea. This Todd's idea. He wants a family. Todd who has yet to do anything productive for this Candie's company, I'd like to add. Yeah, well, for Candie's company, he's sold his own shows. I forgot what they are, but he's doing something else. How would you do that? He's doing something good. I feel like Candie is really the brains that operation. Not that Todd doesn't have brains, but Candie is the brains. And I feel like Todd is, you know, I think the fact that he wants to open up a restaurant is very short-sighted. That's just funny. And when she said, yeah, he wants to open the restaurant. I don't really want to, but he really supported me with my play. Yeah, look how that turned out. Let's hope this goes just as well, darling. Like, I don't know. I don't know if that's a partnership you guys should be. I don't know. Maybe by the way, I would have seen-- I totally would have seen a mother's love if it had like made its way to LA. I was ready. I was actually ready, too. That looked pretty good. I just wanted to see the version of "Mama Joy." I just wanted to hear. [SCREAMING] [LAUGHING] [SINGING] [SINGING] Let me see this. Oh, yeah. So Cynthia is pretending she's leaving Peter, which she's not totally strong from Nini. Already said it, whatever. Family restaurant. And Cynthia is like, girl, that's not going to work. Can you own Peter $20? And then Cynthia also said how Cynthia, Peter's in Charlotte. And I didn't tell you to build a bar in Charlotte. Cynthia, he used your money to do it, OK? Stop the bank account. No one's buying this shit. Get out of here. Charlotte, why is Charlotte's? That's so strange. Why does he need to open up a bar one in Charlotte? I'm sorry. Sorry. Open up a bar one. Go to Texas. She's like, I would love it to be in Texas. Somewhere further away. Charlotte's very close. By the way, did you know this? This is something that my friend told me that I never thought about. But Atlanta is further west than Detroit. Mm. Isn't that crazy? I don't-- why? Why is it crazy? I don't know about geography. I don't understand. What are you implying? I can't believe you're not jumping on the geography crazy train, because when I think of Atlanta, it's like I think of East Coast, even though it's inland. I think of it as East Coast. I think of it to the right. And I think of it as a tripping in the middle of the country. And it's not true. I'm sorry. My mind is blown. Let me just have that. OK? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Ronnie, you were supposed to yes and that. No, you don't-- yes and false things. You don't-- yes and geography. Yes and wrong geography. Did you know that Atlanta is as far out as California? Yes. And it's also as far out east as Detroit. You know. Yes and we're driving there right now. Yes and we're playing slug bug. Yes and no one drives bugs anymore. Yes and the new bugs count. Yes and you have a-- you see? You want that? You want that bin? It'll be $5. Anyway, I'll let everyone else ruminate on that. For those of you who are interested in things like longitudes and latitudes. And meanwhile-- More bugs than fibroids. Fibroids. So then the next scene, are you ready to go on to the next scene? Can we play slug bug with fibroids? Fibroids? Can you see someone on a house with Atlanta with fibroids? Punch each other. So then we go to Phaedra's house and Kim Fields comes over with her kids. And I think Kim's son, Sebastian, is hilarious and durable. He has like-- he's like-- I don't know how you describe it. I don't know if you say like is it like overly articulate? It's not that he's saying anything articulate, but he's like, hello there, Miss Phaedra. You know, when those kids are both so smart and eight and two, they're all such smart kids. How the hell does that happen? Yeah. So I love the iPhones. Is that being raised by an iPhone reading just Google stuff? I'm like, Siri teaches you how to talk. I think so. But this-- Everybody started speaking like this, Rondle. I have set your alarm, Rondle. Ben's house is three minutes away, Rondle. So Sebastian is-- he's really durable. And so they all come over. And for some reason I thought this was really amusing. Sebastian gets in the pool. The pool is, by the way, the size of like a parking spot, OK? And so Tutti and Phaedra are sitting like three feet away. First of all, there's a swimming structure in the pool. And Tutti is like, oh, it's just so wonderful that I don't have to keep an eye on the kids. I'm like, you know, you're sitting like a foot away from the pool. First of all, I'm just going to keep my toe in here to see if the temperature gets too low because I care. And then Sebastian gets in the pool and Tutti goes, have a good time. You're not setting him off to summer camp. You know that you're-- Fire on me, fire on me. And you know, she's like, wait, don't leave. Don't leave. You're my only friend. Near, far, wherever you are. I know, when you said that Tutti is like Julie from "Ladies of London," she is. But I actually feel like she's even more sheltered. Because at least Julie, she's sort of deprecating about it. She's like, I mean, I don't have any time. I just have my kids. I just have the hot chocolate mix and my kids. And that's all. And I'm some yoga. And that's really it. It's crazy. I mean, I'm a lady, and it's crazy. And Tutti's more like, yeah, yeah. My friends are like, you know, the kids in the carpool-- carpool. Those are my friends. And she's like never-- Oh! Yeah. She never had a moment before this pool party thing, or like, pool play day, where she realized that it's crazy. It was like, Phaedra's like, so those are your only friends? And she's like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. I'm not running. Phaedra's like, I like masturbation, prostitutes, taking mail from other people's mailbox and riding different mediums on it, and beating maids. What do you like to do? And she's like, carpooling. Carpool is like her favorite thing. She's like, well, one thing that I think is really fun is going out at 2 in the morning, no 2 in the afternoon, and carpooling places. You don't know a party until you're not in the car with only your own kids, but your friends' kids, too. Now that's fun, guys. Tutti's like, I have to say, I have to say, Phaedra, I do have a bone to pick with you. I thought when you said this was a pool party that this would be a carpool party, and it's just an actual regular pool. A little disappointed. I'm not ready to have this conversation. I thought I would be sitting in my car for half an hour waiting for my chance to get through the circle. I brought this Raffia CD, and there's not even a car CD player for me to put it into. I was planning on my kids watching Frozen in the back seat while I listened to a James Patterson audio book in the front seat. So I brought this pack of Apple and Eve apple juice for everyone, and I guess I won't be needing it. [LAUGHTER] So funny. So Kim is realizing that she hasn't been alive when she starts crying, which is so cute. So Phaedra's like, I'll help you, which is terrifying. And Kim's like, well, I'm not sure. And Phaedra's like, yeah, but you need a crew. Who are you rolling with? I watched Blair on Survivor, and she's still a crazy bitch. I'm not leaving my house. And Phaedra's like, yes, you can. We have friends. You can do it. And Kim's like, yeah. But the boobage, I'm uncomfortable with all those boobs. You're talking to Phaedra, and his tits are up to her face, and she's in a thong right now. Phaedra's wearing a thong bikini with the see-through dress on with the plate date. And the best part is when 2D says I miss class, Phaedra goes, I'm glad I finally found another crusader to fight the good fight to bring back class to Atlanta. I'm like, you realize we just saw you at like strippers or us, right, like buying some pleather panties from Slash. And you're sitting here in a thong while your husband's in jail for a felony, probably through him, and therefore I can get out of here alone. Why don't you show 2D your pickle photos from your engagements or whatever it was, you know, like? Also thanking Jesus for a crusader for a class. As if Jesus was about bringing class to earth. Like, Jesus, he didn't die for your sins. He died for your class, don't he? Whenever you go somewhere with a shirt that doesn't match your shoes, you're hurting Jesus, all right? He brought class to Atlanta. Learn your forks. Maybe 2D just meant that when she said she misses class, she means like, I'm sad that school is an in session because that's two more times I can carpool per day. I love class, I could carpool Sebastian to class all year long. I love class because that's when the kids are busy and I get time to write notes for the lunch, for the kids, for the next day. I get to think about what we're gonna do during carpool. So, Phaedra's saying, I don't know, is this where they start talking about Bush? I don't know. Phaedra's like, yeah, I'm on a, I get a high. Phaedra's like, how do you get your high girl? I take Adderall and no doze. And she's like, I get my high from family. I was like, oh no, you need to either run from air and get caught doing like crack or something because you're making me, if this is real, I'm gonna kill you. You need to change it up. Like you need to fuck a stranger. They need to really corrupt her somehow. - Yeah, this is when like if this were a Disney movie that Phaedra would have her musical moment where she's like, I will turn her into this, do a whole thing. But I think Phaedra would be pretending to be her friend but she'd really be the evil queen, like trying to get her. Yeah, trying to get her to eat a poison apple and Kim would be like, no, I don't have apples. But I'll give it to my kid to his teacher. They'll love that. - How about this, Nijo? Why don't you play with this needle? Oh, I'm sorry, I don't like pointy objects but I can refer to the Salvation Army. - Okay, so Portia, this is Portia getting ready to do a Portia ready to do like a sexual FaceTime thing. Hilarious, she's wearing a bikini, a zina of a warrior princess slash motorcycle babe, boob bikini top, I don't know what that. And then she's sitting there with her brand new tits that are probably have the same amount of least time as her Bentley or whatever the hell is in her parking lot. She's parked the Bentley on her chest, basically. And then we just walked her walk around the hotel room waiting for the next pack and it's sad hilarious. - Well, it's not, it wasn't that sad for me and I'll tell you why. Because Bravo was not smart enough to blur out the timestamp and the first text was 941, hey, I'm ready. And then he's like, okay, give me a minute. And then like 941, all right, waiting 941, you ready? - 941, it was like, they edited to make it look like it took place over an hour. But if you just look- - Well, that's how long it took place in her head. I mean, it's four show we're talking about. - That's true. And then I love- - You went from 941, 8 to 942, P. (both laugh) - Learn numbers. - Well, I like then, so afterwards she calls up Phaedra and is like complaining about it. And Phaedra goes, well, you know, if he's not building up on me, then yeah, and Bravo spells honey, H-U-N-N-I in the subtitles. - Oh, that's how you, that's the slang way that's what she's saying, honey. - Yeah, 'cause she says it over and over again, honey. Oh yeah, man, look in the urban dictionary. - No, I know that, I know about honey, I know about honey and all that. I just thought it was funny. - You're like, I know the varying degrees. - I'm familiar with honey. - Okay, I do. - I'm familiar with black slang, okay? I'm familiar with the vernacular, okay, thanks. - But I just thought it was funny that they actually extended it into the subtitles. - So funny, 'cause you know, it's like some intern with a pen, like, what is she saying? I'm like looking at them. - It's actually a word. - So yeah, Portia's big takeaway, she's like, yeah, you know, like, I guess I'll just, you know, I guess I need to find a man I can marry and Duke's not gonna be the one. It's like, well, congratulations. - And also-- - Congratulations, advice. - The advice you never wanna hear when you call to complain about your boyfriend. - I don't feel loved. - And Patre's like, well, if he's not building you up, he's a noose around your neck. About just grabbing you in the lake. You need to cut him off like a pair of frog legs and fry him up, honey. You need to be done with him. Hey, a man who ain't with your plan is a man who deserves to be in jail. Get him thrown it. You better plan some evidence. I'm like, whoa, Phaedra, calm down with your advice. Like, just tell her to love herself. Jesus Christ, Phaedra's like, got her, you know, drowning herself in a lake over there and eating frog legs or something. I never know what Phaedra's talking about. - And poor Porsche, I mean, to think that she has any control over the situation. Like, honey, you're the one who got dumped. Like, don't act like you're dumping him. Okay, you're the one. He cannot-- - What? - He can always do it. - To my family. - Oh, of course. - And date number two. - Yeah, date number two. - He got into boy. I got him a trophy. It was hard pulling the soccer ball up that trophy from fifth grade. - So then we move on to like the big meat of the episode, which is this boat party. So first we meet Cynthia's friend, Tammy, who Tammy is a character. God, she's like this tall and with a big long blonde braid. And she immediately, wait a second, stop. The podcast must be stopped immediately. - Right, not stopped, stopped, it's just off with the comments. This, I just got a link. I'm clicking on it to make sure it's valid. Hold on. This is breaking news. (humming) Make breaking news. (humming) - Tama. - Are you ready for the breaking news? This comes to us. It was tweeted at us by West Over West. So, I don't know what West Over West is. - We're talking about geography fucking with your brain. West Over West. - Where is that? - What state is that? - Okay, are you ready? Are you ready? - I am. - Breaking. - Your Londa Foster, don't tell me she died. I will die if she died. Please tell me. - If she died, I wouldn't be making, I wouldn't be. - Well, she did not sound funny. You just said it was breaking news. I mean, what the hell? Oh my God, please don't die. - Well, you know what, there has been a death. There has been a death. It's my death of love. Your Londa Foster and David Foster are divorcing. - Oh girl. - This isn't, this is from reality tea. We interrupt the boat party in Atlanta, where there's smoke, there's usually fire. This is what it says. Rumors have been circulating for a while now that the fosters weren't quite as happy as they claimed and it looks like it was true. Your Londa and David Foster are divorcing after just four years of marriage. Well, I mean, with his track record, of course. They confirmed the news to People magazine this afternoon, just hours before the Real House has a Beverly Hills premiere naturally. They share in a joint statement. Sadly, we had decided to go our separate ways. We've shared nine beautiful and joyous years together during that time we experienced love, friendship, Lyme disease. No, I added that. And the inevitable challenges that come with managing a marriage, careers, blended families and health issues. And you know, one very beautiful daughter and another one. We are grateful for the-- (both laughing) We are grateful for the years we've spent together and believe wholeheartedly that we did our best. I hope that we can pave the world ahead of us with all that we've learned and with the love and respect we will always have for one another. And if we cannot pave the road, I hope to get some immigrants who are bothered to learn English to pave the road because otherwise it's a dead-end road. Do you understand immigrants? Your Londa and David, don't share-- I'm still doing her voice now. (both laughing) Let's see, she's there, they're the kids. - They sold them out. - The saddest thing about this is that she did not have a pre-- or she did have a prenup. - She didn't? - She did, she did. - She had to have. Who the hell else would kiss David Foster's egotistical ass as hard as she did? Of course, there was a prenup there. That's why she was always like, "Oh, hello, my love." Every time he's around, she's like, "How can I serve you, my love? I love to serve the man. I'm a womanist here to make man happy. Here's her chicken with a lemon up. It's about my David." Oh. - And then she'd have Instagrams where she's like, "Here we are in beautiful heaven, other words, Italy with my feet on David's knee." - Every time she was taking a picture, it was her feet somewhere on David. And I was like, "You know it's just to hide his face," from like him strangling her, right? She's like, " Concentrate on the feet." (both laughing) No happy marriage concentrates on the feet. - Maybe she was too bold. Maybe she suggested not going to the Amalfi Coast for the 10th year in a row. And that was just enough, too much for him to handle. - He's like, "Why don't you learn Bella's name?" - She's like, "That's a sis, we are over." - How dare you disrespect Gigi like this. - Maybe he was spending too much time with the aller just bro that friend he has. What's up, bro? - What's up, bro? - Fixing the lawnsies, bro? - I think actually my, of course, cynical conspiracy theory is that he left her ass because this season on Beverly Hills, she's called out for being a fucking liar on her disease and everybody's going to turn tides and he just saw what happened to Vicki and Brooks. And he's like, "No thanks, have a real career, got real talent, bye bitch, and cut her right off." That's what I think, bye, bye now. - Maybe he cheated. - It's the day of the premiere. It's the day of the premiere. And Yolanda would not care or be surprised if he cheated, trust me. - Because she spent the-- - She spent the-- - Mohammed's hose. - Mohammed gave her to David. - At a dinner party is like a party favor. - Yeah. - I don't think she's going to be surprised. We've all heard what goes-- - Let me tell you something. - Both hands. - Let me tell you something. She spent a good amount of time on the Beverly Hills housewives talking about how she has to be in good shape and she wants to look her best for her man. And you know what she did this summer? She got herself a mom haircut. Well, you can't do that when you have a music producer as your husband, okay? You can't do a mom haircut. - Sure enough, divorce. - Yeah, I think she probably did that on the day. She got the papers because that's when you get a new haircut. - Yeah. - That's sad. I mean, it is sad to see a marriage go. I'm not so sad with that one 'cause I never bought it in the first place. And those are two of the fakest ass people I've ever seen in my life. So I don't even know if I like them or not 'cause I don't even think I've ever seen the real them. I do know that Yolanda is tricky, tricky on that show, which I'm sure we'll talk about a lot this week, but I don't know. - I guess I feel bad for anybody's marriage going bad, but not really, is that terrible? - Yeah, I mean, I actually have to say I'm a little surprised. I didn't totally see her coming. So, but, you know-- - Hello there. - Sign a prenup. Okay, if you are given to a man at Mohammed's house as a leftover wrapped in like a Pyrex dish with some tin foil on it, you better make sure not to sign anything if that man takes you home. Do not sign it. This is your job, darling. You've stayed thin for all these years. You fucked countless rich men trying to get that house above the freeway over the ocean. You deserve it. - Yeah. Well, anyway, let's get back to Atlanta. - No, now I'm miserable. And we've never even got past this scene where we did get past it, but we never mentioned that Candy told Cynthia. - Yeah, well, you know, Cynthia, I know you're having trouble in your marriage, but sometimes it's better to just stay there. You don't wanna be getting old and dying alone. - Oh, yeah. - Oh my God. Okay, we can move on now. I just had to say that. - Yeah, that is-- - And now we're back to this new chick, Tammy. I don't think it's gonna last long. - 'Cause she's like, she's almost like that. She's like a white girl. - She starts like a cartoon one. You know, like a goofy cartoon. She actually talks like goofy. She talks exactly like goofy. - Hi, guys. - Hey, guys. What's she? - She's like an always alaboo girl with a surf large like hat. - Right. We know she's bad news. We know that Tammy's bad news because we find out in a little bit that she is friends with like really, really good friends, Bob Woodfield, which is bad news, but also makes me excited to see her and Shire like really tussle down the line. - These producers are shady. Like, just bring Bob's best friend in. - Yeah. (laughs) - I'm best friend with Bob. I'm like, oh my God, of course you are. What are those conversations like? - Yeah. So then I also like, so this is everything's like, there's a lot of cross cutting. This is one of those things where we see there's one. Everyone's going to the lake. So one vehicle has Kenya and Tammy and Cynthia. And then the other one is Candy and Kim, Kim Fields. And what made me laugh was, you know, when we first see Candy, she's like lying down in the back of the van and then she sort of gets up and she gets into a seat when Kim gets there. And every time they show Kim and 2D talking, Kim, you know, Candy's just like propped up against the window and Kim Fields is totally buckled in. Like, she's in the front seat of a sedan. She is fully buckled in. She's like, okay, I'm ready. You know, she's having the time of her life. She's like, this is like a carpool. (laughs) Finally, I'm in the back seat of a carpool. - This is crazy. This is like a dream come true. (screams) She's like, I kind of feel like this would be a better carpool if there were more people in the seats. (laughs) Just start picking up children. Just stop. Just see if that kid wants to ride. Your mommy sent me. (laughs) It's like, I hope you don't mind. I brought my own airbag, you know, just in case. Kim. She's like, my favorite part of going to the Emmys is getting into the limo and having a big carpool there. (laughs) - She was talking about, she was talking about sex toys. - Yeah, she was nice to Candy 'cause she likes her, you know, she like, she respects her as an ultrapadua. - Yeah. - And they started talking about Candy's dildo business. And Candy's like, you know, do what you know. And they start talking about all these dildos or whatever. And Kim's like, I'm not really experienced in that world. Like, I get really embarrassed in Candy's like, you need to start small, you know? And you need, the most important thing is you don't make your husband think that you're trying to replace him with a 10 foot black dick, basically, like big black dildo. And she's like, you need to start small. And then Candy tells us, she probably doesn't even trim or shave or anything. And of course she called it because Kim had just said that she doesn't, to fajor and fajor is like, (grunting) - That's a lot we learned about Kim today, who's so innocent. She doesn't trim her bush and she doesn't wear underwear. - And she's a screamer. - And she's a screamer, yeah. - Yeah, which I don't understand how that works if you've got. - Well, she probably wakes up the next day and sees stains on her couch and starts screaming at people. Like, you need to wear underwear, girl. (laughing) - Oh, wow. - So Tammy and her drive. So she's talking about her and Shirei. And of course everyone's like, oh, give us the gossip. You gotta give us the Shirei gossip. And she goes, well, tell you this. I firmly believe that Shirei was only with Bob Whitfield because he played for the Falcons. - Oh, you don't say Tammy. - Yeah, congratulations. - Like, people are with Bob Whitfield because he's a 500 pound monster with cross eyes who speaks in, like, word soup. - Yeah, it's like, have you seen Atlanta? Do you see why any of these guys have wives? It's because they play football. (laughing) - The only reason she likes him is because she thought he was a refrigerator and she wanted to get milk out. It's like, shut up, Tammy. She's stupid. - And by the way, that's like, the only reason why she's with Bob Whitfield is because he's a football player. It's like, yeah, it's like, you know, it's like the only reason why Peter is with Cynthia is because she's a supermodel. It's a pretty, you know, it's like not something that you just brush over. It's not like you say, oh, only because he has, you know, like, a cool bow tie. It's like supermodel football player. Like, those are like, that's pretty elite arm candy. - Tammy. - Yeah, I don't know if you've been paying attention, but that's kind of the goal around here. - Yeah. - I mean, who's she talking to? Cynthia, who married a poor person, so she's not gonna take that news well. And then, who else was in there? Kenya? - Kenya. - Yeah. - It was Kenya. Then Kenya, who can't find a rich man to stay with her ass more than two weeks to save her life? Like, who are you complaining to? - Yeah, please. - That looks like a resume. - So, then the women arrive at the lake and they get on to one of these, like, lake boats. It looks like an RV on a pontoon. It kind of, it was, it made the Lake Havasu boat from Real House of Orange County look like the Cunard line. Okay, this was just like a big old shitty box going down the lake. - That's old Captain Don over there. Hey, ladies, welcome to the boat. We like to make sure that you know the rules. Here we go. If we sink, go towards the next thing, grab something that floats. Got it! So, did we skip, I mean, did we skip? I'm only bringing it up because Simea and Portia, or Simea and Portia in the car was hilarious. Can't be telling them about this divorce. And Portia's answer projecting is so funny. She's just projecting her own shit. And she's like. - What is she talking about? Charlotte's not far. It's only two hours away. I drive an hour every day to work. I say they can make it work because if we could've made it work, we should've made it work. But it just wasn't for us. And we made the wrong decision. I'm like, you were locked out of your house, okay? - Yeah, by closeted gay man. - It literally changed the lock. Stop pretending like you made a bad decision, okay? - Yeah. - You made the decision to get a hotel room because it was raining outside on your week. - Yeah. - Exactly. - So when Cynthia said marriage isn't an accomplishment, like why is everybody bragging about marriage? Like they did something great. It's not a job, like, so you were married for a long time. Big deal. I'm like, because people committed to each other. And then they learned how to make it work no matter what. And kind of grew as people. It's kind of what marriage is. - You idiot. - Yeah, you know, Cynthia, you're not allowed to talk about marriage 'cause you're the one who left a super hot and smart and emotionally available man to be with Peter, okay? - Not only that, but your whole accomplishment in life is being pretty and walking. Like, really? Like, if anything, being married to this long isn't an accomplishment, I'm proud of you. I wouldn't be able to do it. I don't know why the hell she is married to them. There has to be some reason other than love 'cause obviously she's never really liked him. - What is that? - What do you think? - I don't know. I think that, I think Cynthia, she never fails to really annoy me. So anyway, we got on the boat and the crappy boat, it's no wonder why Cynthia was so like pleasant on the below deck yacht because after what she had to go through on this boat, well, not that what she had to go through, she was the perpetrator of it, actually. But so anyway, there all-- - It really was. - This is what I call the audition crews, okay? This is a big rental boat or free donated boat that pulls up and this is where we have our Real Housewives of Atlanta Open Call audition. - Yeah, exactly. That's a great way to put it. - Because now the way, supposedly rumor-wise, I don't even know where I heard this, but it's been all over the place, supposedly the way that they're paying a lot of the housewives now is scale-based and they get supposed bonuses for fights and all this shit, who knows if any of this shit is true, but it seems like it is because it's what episode four and it's like, okay girls, if we are going in six episode arcs, you better get your time in there because they were tap dancing like crazy, all of them. - Yeah, absolutely and I started with, you know, they get on the boat and Portia brought Shamia and Shamia wasn't officially invited and Kenny was like, oh, I didn't invite her. I didn't invite Shamia and you're like, oh God. Here we go. - Well, hello everybody. It's lovely to have you. I'm glad I invited all of you. Ha ha, I didn't invite Shamia, Shamia. So why Shamia here? Shamia. - So rude with her big smile. - I totally can't believe it. Who's like, whoa, she really put it out there. I'm like, did you watch, did you do any research before you signed on to the show? Did you? She's like, I heard that this version took place in the candy store and I showed up. That's it. I hope it works out. - So Tammy, meanwhile, is being totally star-struck. She's like, yeah, Candy, we met like 6,000 years ago. You know, while I was in CVS and I was in one island, I looked over and I was like, hi. And then you're like, hi. And then you left. It was great. - It was so cool. I was like, hey, and then you had like potato chips on your mouth. And I was like, you got potato chips on in your mouth. And then you like open and catch up bottle and squeezed it all down your throat. And I was like, wow, you're amazing. Candy's like, you think I'm gonna remember that. - And he came to say, see, nah, soccer. - Oh man, the change over from summer to fall has been so lovely. I love fall clothes. And it's so nice getting an upgrade from my regular old dusty hoodie to something brand new and stylish from Quince. - I know this is like layering season and I am ready for a beautiful, beautiful sweater. Quince offers affordable higher quality essentials for any wardrobe. - I just got the most adorable casual jacket, which I'm gonna use more than anything else in my wardrobe from Quince. I mean, I look adorable and you look like you can't even oversell this. I look adorable in this thing. - You do. And I honestly like their false sweaters. I'm loving the color palette they have for them. They're just like very subtle, like a lot of stones and beages. It's really my vibe for fall 2024. - Upgrade your wardrobe with pizzas made to last with Quince. Go to quince.com/crapins for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com/crapins to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com/crapins. - Ryan Reynolds here from Midmobile. With the price of just about everything going up during inflation, we thought we'd bring our prices down. So to help us, we brought in a reverse auctioneer, which is apparently a thing. - Midmobile unlimited, premium wireless. - Ready to get 30, 30, 30, ready to get 20, 20, 20, ready to get 15, 15, 15, 15, just 15 bucks a month. So, give it a try at midmobile.com/switch. - $45 up from payment equivalent to $15 per month. New customers on first three month plan only. Taxes and fees extra. Speeds lower above 40 gigabyte CD-Tale. - So the new girl is doing this weird, she's choosing a weird personality for this. I don't know if this is someone's real personality and if it is, how no one's slapped them yet. Her thing is, I don't know what shade is. You guys are totally different for me 'cause I don't even know what shade is. - Yeah, that was very strange. She's like, wait, what's shade? I don't understand these things. And then she proceeds to be totally, totally shady, which is funny 'cause then all the girls called her out about that. And of course, Kenya is the queen of the shade because they're getting pedicures and Kim's getting a pedicure and candy. Someone asks Tammy, you don't know what shade is? How old are you? And she's like, I'm 45. And then Kenya's like, well, Kim knows what it is and she is 50. - Yeah, she's the oldest one. - Kim was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. She's like, someone stopped the carpool. Someone stopped the carpool on the water, okay? - She's like, get this Mendelssohn kid out of the back seat. - I am taking back your five alive juice box. - She's like, emergency lights, I'm slowly pulling safely to the shoulder, okay? - That was funny, Kim was like, excuse you, my birthday has been a holiday in Atlanta for 51 years now. How dare you not tell everybody I'm 46? Oh God, that was great. You can see they're setting up that Kim is gonna really not like Kenya. So then Kenya makes a speech. - Well, if Kim knows how to deal with children, they'll just put a child right in front of her and have her smack them down every time. But at the end of the day, she's still gonna wipe her ass and give her a hug 'cause that's what good moms do. - Exactly. - So then Kenya gives this like ridiculously self congratulatory speech as she's like saying that she wanted to throw this party because she knows that Cynthia's having a hard time and she knows 'cause she's one of her best friends and I love it that candy just mutters. - Uh oh, she don't take that title. (laughing) - Yeah, best friends man. - Mm hmm, mm hmm, mm hmm. - Which I just love it 'cause that was such a great hilarious shady moment. That was just so perfect. And then moments after that, then Tammy corners Candy again and then this was, this cracked me up. She's like, "Now Candy, we have to talk, we have to talk. "I am sure you've heard my son song, The Drop, "you know, by Frico and Merlot." (laughing) And Candy's like, "Mmm, now how's it go? "How's it goin' out?" And she's like, "Yo, it's dropping in the world, "it's dropping in the tributi, dropping in the rain "and the drop and the drop, drop, drop, drop, drop." - It's like someone's mom singing the rap song. I'm like waving her arms on the ear. (laughing) - Ooh. - The guy, he is like, "Oh, is that on like mom tunes? "I always play that during the carpool. "I love that song in the drop. "It's like when you drop off the kids at school. "I love the drop 'cause then I drive around the block." - Oh wait, was that the F word? Oh God, I can't play that in my car. Please don't let your son sing in my car. Please. (laughing) - Damn it, so Candy is like, actually if someone's gonna be talking business with me, they need to be talking about a budget, love Candy. And Tammy's like, "So, oh, do you have a label? "Do you have a label, Candy?" Because Bob Whitfield is managing my son. It's like, really? You better hope he ain't reading the contract 'cause his eyes both lookin' at his nose. He's not gonna see anything right. He's gonna see double the zeroes and sign something where your son is making like $100 instead of a thousand for a gig. (laughing) - Yeah, I would. - And I hate when people do that too. I hate when people, you know, this is something that happens, well, I mean, it doesn't really happen to me a lot 'cause I'm not a very well-established writer, but sometimes it happens, sometimes it happens in the realm of podcast. And when people just say, they just say, "Oh, well, we have to get on to your, "I have to be on your podcast." Or, "My son has to be like this with that." And it's like, what are you talking about? No, no, no, no. - You're in a movie? Oh, my kid would be great in movies. You gotta put him in there. You wanna have a meeting? You wanna have a meeting, Candy? - Candy's like, "Mm, actually, busy." - Yeah. - So, okay, well, then let's set up a meeting when you're free, and Candy gives her mama Joyce's number. - Do we wanna hear the drop? I should play like about 10 seconds of the drop. It's on YouTube. - Hello! - The drop, the drop! It's droppin' and it's droppin' and fuckin' and it's droppin' and it's droppin' and it's droppin' and it's droppin'! - Imagine mama Joyce just going off on this woman on the phone. - I will not do that, I will do that. - You damn it! - Frico and Merlot, and by the way, you know how like every obscure song on YouTube has like 600,000 views? And you're always like, how do they get that many views? Frico and Merlot has 46,000. Oh, that's pretty good, this is good, right? Here comes the, this is almost as good as drip drop from Empire. Everyone knows the drop! - Let me know the drop! What does it mean to drop? ♪ Hey, drop, hey ♪ ♪ Turn up, turn up, turn up ♪ ♪ Hey, drop, turn up, turn up ♪ ♪ Turn up, turn up ♪ ♪ Sausom, Sausom, Sausom ♪ ♪ Hey ♪ ♪ Kill it, kill it, kill it, kill it, kill it ♪ - They have a little dance to the top of it. ♪ Drop it, drop it, drop it, drop it ♪ ♪ Drop it, drop it, kill it, kill it, kill it ♪ ♪ Drop it, kill it, kill it, kill it ♪ ♪ Drop it, kill it, kill it, kill it ♪ - All right, that's enough of that. - Candy's like, I really don't ever wanna play this in my restaurant because the more people drop things, the more money it costs me at the end of the day. (laughing) - Do the drop? - No, no one wants drop things, stop it. - Peter's like, I'll play it, I'll play it up. There's brew, I'll pull over, drip, drip coffee. - Little kiddos. - Ooh, drop. - This is so good. - And then this is new dawn to, we skipped to a second, but just to come back here, real quick, to finish these two up, they started talking about their husbands and she's like, "Yo, my husband's good." And she said, "How does your husband act?" And she goes, "He's the wargest man in a miracle." He's like, he wakes up so happy, like he's not too white, like not too, and Candy was like, "Okay, that's good. "What's going on over there?" And she tells us, "You're not gonna leave me here "with this woman." (laughing) I love what she said, "What's going on over there?" She didn't even try to be creative with her escape. She's just like, no pun intended escape, but she was just like, she didn't even do like, "You know what, I think I'm gonna go to bathroom." She's just like, "Yeah, so, see, nah, what's over there?" (laughing) - See, right over there, oh no, it's just a coaster. By the way, I don't have to correct myself. See, I was not on the official Frico in Merlot. And it's probably Merlot, but I keep saying Merlot, as if it's wine. I was not on the official Frico in Merlot. YouTube site, the video actually has 5.9 million views. (laughing) - Oh, I was gonna say, even after being on housewives, it still doesn't have anything. I mean, come on, Candy, a song had more than that. - Yeah, no, it's, I guess it's real. - So also, while we're doing our apology correction thing, this is our apology, by the way. This is the internet's apology to you. Kim's house didn't get foreclosed on. That's stupid, we talked about that last week. She did not get foreclosed on. That was a bunch of bogus bullshit, okay? So no one believe it. - Now, in the future, just kidding. - By the way, the other thing is all the 5.9 million views, it's like all the comments are like, "Oh, I saw this on the real housewives. "I came here 'cause of real housewives. "I came here 'cause of real housewives." - Make sure to accomplish. - That is a mom who knows how to manage her child. And Bob Whitfield is taking all the credit right now. - Yeah. - All right, I'm gonna close out this. I cannot believe we go all the more. - It's like, well, we're doing really good on yay-yoo to Tube. - So, okay, Kenya, okay. So Kim whips out her own food in Tupperware to stay healthy, which is hilarious. - And she comes with it. - And her own book. - And a book because-- - Like, you do not bring books onto the real housewives. I'm sorry. - And all the women are doing all these shots. And Siree and Kenya are doing this weird thing where they're laughing fakely in each other's face and saying really means shit to each other, which is odd. And then Kim just doesn't know what to do. 'Cause the other ladies are like, "Yeah, drop, drop it." - Turn it up, turn it up. Like, they're saying all these scenes-- - Turn up, turn up. - Yeah, Kim's like, "Okay, I'm just gonna go read "on the foredeck." And they take away the book. I love that Kim's reaction was, "That's a library book." - You have respect for a library book, Missy. - That is a taxpayer-funded book. How dare you, ma'am. And then she brings her own Tupperwareful of like banana slices and shit. Kenya throws it off the boat and she says, "You don't bring Tupperware to a catered event." And Kim goes, "At your last party, "you didn't have food and people were getting water "if she had poo bottles. "Of course, I brought my own Tupperwareful shit. "I don't give this everywhere, okay." - Oh God, this is why, on the bonus episode, someone asked which housewives did you get rid of. And it's because of these moments that I would not get rid of, Tutti, because she is such a mom, like above and beyond, like she doesn't realize how much of a mom she is. That, it just cracks me up in this-- - Yeah, first I thought probably it's totally an act, but it's not totally an act. And she's one of the only people who still knows how to be real on a real housewives show, because you can have a Neenie and you can have a Kenya, but they don't work when they're all that, when Cynthia's lying and faking shit, and Phaedra's lying and faking shit, and when they're all doing it, what the hell? It needs to be a couple of normal ones at least, darling. - Yeah, exactly, and that's the thing. Kim wasn't trying to get into anything. She was trying to escape out of the room with her little library book. I just love that she brought a library book, 'cause first of all, you know all the other women would be like, "I don't want people thinking "I borrowed this book, I'm buying it off of Amazon." You know, like, but she, now she goes to the library. - She goes to the library. - She probably breaks a lot of books, where it makes sense to not pay $30 for her books. She probably goes two or three times a week. - Back in the day before the internet, I used to read books. - Oh, I don't know, I just read eight full comments. It's amazing. - So then anyway, fun times, people are going down the slide, they're swimming, everyone's having a good time, and everyone's drinking, and people keep saying, "This ridiculous thing that gets said a lot "on Housewives shows," which is like, "You know what these women need? "We all need some booze." You know, everyone, you know, we're all having fun. The booze just makes everything better. Every Housewives franchise, there is inevitably a scene where people praise the benefits of booze. They don't seem to ever realize what causes these arguments, that they all get drunk off their ass. - God, every Housewives is a Saturday night, you know? Like the same thing in real life. You're like, "Oh, I need is a drink." And then you're like, "Oh my God, "what food product is on my face?" It's like, how did I get rice and pizza on my face last night? So, well, inevitably things go downhill, and it starts with Shamia making a joke about Kenya's-- - I think it's Shamay, isn't her name pronounced Shamay? 'Cause I thought it was Shamay. - I thought it was Shamay. - I could be wrong. - It's written Shamay, but I think it's pronounced Shamay. Shamay? - Shamay? - Shamay. - Uma, uma, uma, uma, uma. - Uma cookies. (laughing) - So, this was weird. So, Shamay is obviously doing her audition piece, trying to attack Kenya. Kenya is giving her passive aggressive things. Shamay, only the new girls went in the slide in the first place. Tammy looked like an idiot. Shamay is like spreading her legs and whatever, acting like an idiot. Finally they come on, she gets a towel, and she immediately, she's like, "Is that a real towel? "Not like a fake towel, like that fake product we had at Kenya?" - Yeah. - Oh, come on. - And Kenya's like, "I'm gonna make any sense." - And Kenya, and Kenya of all people goes, "You know, I just hate it when people take little digs. "I hate that." I'm like, "That's all you speak in is little digs." You don't know anything other than little digs. But then, but Shamay. - Yeah, or Shamay. - Actually, I could use some little digs, because I can't get the city to approve little digs. Will you do that for free? Oh, your house is more like a big dig. It's like the big dig in Boston. (mumbles) (mumbles) - I am a proud, successful black woman, Shamay. Shamay's like, "Oh, congrats, Miss America." Oh, wow, another thing stolen from like the first fucking episode Kenya ever did. - Come on, show. - How many things in this one episode are gonna be stolen? - And if you're gonna steal it, at least steal it better. I mean, this is just sad. It doesn't even make sense. - Well, then Kenya has this really hilarious response, which is, "I'm going to have the cat "and escort you off my boat." Like, first of all, you're in the middle of a lake. Second of all, it's not your boat. (laughs) - Third of all, you're not the queen. She's like, "Don't come for the queen." You're not the queen. Shut up. - Calling yourself. - Unless you're talking about a mattress, be quiet. (laughing) - Mattress and storage. - So then, then the big fight breaks up. - Captain! She's like, "Captain!" - Yeah? What can I do here for a mess? - I have a guest that needs to be escorted off the boat. - He's like, "Well, well, there's some water there." And the rules say, "Can't escort in the water." So I tell your friend, she's gonna have to pop down, messy. All right, or she's getting a plane ticket. (laughing) - So then, Cynthia goes to calm down Kenya, 'cause Kenya's over with the captain. And so Cynthia goes, and then Candy makes this little comment. She's like, "See, no." Girl, best friend. And then Portia's like, "Yeah, yeah, you go best." Not like that. I don't know why I said it like that. But Portia's like, "Yeah, you're the best friend. "Why don't you go, why don't you go?" And then this like, "Bother Cynthia." And so Cynthia's like, "Psh, whatever." You know, something like that. And then Portia says something like, "What have a bitch?" And Cynthia. - After doing her mama Cleo impersonation of Peter. She did this impersonation of Peter. She's like, "Hello, and welcome to Jamaica. "You like to eat a banana of a tree? "Then I'll give your banana all this." I'm like, "What are you talking about?" "Welcome to the psychic, a friend network. "I'll tell you a few, Thomas Cleo." I'm like, "Uh, it's not like close, even. "Maybe, I don't know. "Make a profit joke or something, girl." - Cynthia starts doing that thing of like, "Don't call me out of my name. "Don't call me out of my name." And then it's, you know, it's like you call me a bitch. And then Portia's like, "Well, "we've been calling each other bitch all day long." To be fair, I actually thought that Portia's bitch was a little, it wasn't like the other bitches, but I also think Cynthia was being bonkers. And Cynthia was-- - Cynthia was just ready to yell at somebody. She pulled a, she's pulling a Neenie all episode. She's gonna yell at somebody for no reason and wave her finger around and act like an idiot. - But Cynthia did something, but Cynthia did say something that was really funny. She's like, "You took a damn thought pill." (laughing) I was like, she takes it every day. She's on a medication. - She's, everything she says, I can tell that she was practicing it in her sad closet. Like looking at shoes that don't fit anymore or whatever. I don't know, I just, Cynthia, it's not working, girl. Just be nice. - Yeah. - Be yourself. Like you're boring enough as yourself. You're five times as more painful to watch when you're, you're boring self, trying to pretend you're exciting somebody else who got boring in the end because they were making shit up too. Like, why don't you copy Neenie? - Yeah. - So then, so then, so then Portia, Portia goes to try to like clear the air and she's like, I did not, I did not, I did not tend to that way. - I know and you heard me say things and you thought when I was saying things that I say things, but what I was saying was things. - And Cynthia's like, "No, now you hear. "Now you listen to me, people think you're stupid, "but you're not stupid." And this is what I'll say to you. You don't call me, I don't call it. - Nothing they said was even making any sense. - Yeah, and then they were just screaming at each other and then it cuts the cabbie going, well, first of all, Kim's horrified. And then it cuts the cabbie and she goes, "These women been saying bitch all day." I'm like, "Bitch, bitch, you bitch, bitch, this bitch." I'm not even sure which bitch is calling which bitch, bitch, bitch, I don't look cabbie. - And then eventually Portia just, she just starts saying over and over again, ♪ This how you want to be ♪ ♪ This how you want to be ♪ ♪ This how you want to be ♪ ♪ This how you want to be ♪ - It was like a countdown 'cause at the 10th one, all of a sudden she gets up and it cuts away and says to be confused. - It's like the snooze button. And there's something about the way Portia fights because we saw it the last time she pulled this shit out. - She doesn't just smack a bitch. She stood up and kicked her in the face. - Yeah, she got up. Like that knee was coming out and then it cut to black. - She was about to stiletto Cynthia in the face. What the hell? - And in the scenes for next week, Portia is being subdued by a guy and she is writhing as if she's being tasered by the Chez lounge. - Mm-hmm, she is a beast when she gets mad. - Oh, yeah. - And Kenya is gonna - I'm just like, "I'm not taking any more!" - And just went crazy. - Well, you know Kenya's gonna milk it. She'll be like, "You know, when Portia attacked me, "you know, I just felt so lonely and scared. "I mean, I was traumatized by Portia." - Of course, now you know what it feels like when you're attacked and abused and your friends don't believe you or they don't take sides. - Go shut up. Go back down the ditch. - You get the police to come? 'Cause I can't get the police to come. I'm waiting for a contract. And then those police, they're gonna come. They're gonna come to my house before they come to your house. - Kenya's like, "But I'm the bigger victim." I don't know, they're all ridiculous. This is a little too made up. I mean, look, you've got Shiree who can't get a house built is possibly going back to her ex-husband. It's about to beat the shit out of this Tammy girl. That's amazing. Then you've got this Tammy girl saying ignorant shit that her husband's like Nazi white over in the corner. Then you've got, who else is actually interesting? Candy telling people to stay together because they don't wanna die alone. The actual interesting ones don't get any time. Is these bitches making shit up? I do not like it. Don't like it. - Well, we'll have to see how it plays out next week. And for now, we can just move, we can head across to California, just down the street from us to West Hollywood and see what's going on in the world. - It's just Vanderpump Rules Opens. I think we should open our recap of Vanderpump Rules. (singing in foreign language) - Like, okay, you know how ladies of London have their like, powerful, positive girl pop or whatever? - Yeah. - This show is so stupid that the songs don't even have words. It's just like some person going. (singing in foreign language) - Ununciate. - It's first note on Vanderpump Rules. - Ununciation darling. James working laptop in the pizza oven. What is this fucking song? Lisa working 'cause glasses. It's like, I work. Look, I have glasses from CBS2. - Clean these menus. - Yeah, so we open with a menu vacuuming meeting because those menus are a fur. And Lisa's like, we need clean menus darling. I need you to send someone out with a dart gun, grab me some pink muppets darling, skin them, and turn them into menu styling, go cheap balls. (laughing) - Darling, I'm sending you on safari, and I want you to come back with many hides. We'll make them into menus. (laughing) I'm gonna send you to Nepal. I want you to come back with Yakfer. - Hmm, Yakfer. If a dust buster isn't afraid of these menus, they're not doing their job, darling. Shop, shop, get to work, darling. I've had someone come from the other restaurant to show you how to hunt muppets. (laughing) - The menus at Pumpermed from entirely, - Nevermind. (laughing) - So this, of course, everything that is work related turns into a scene, and it's obviously work they never do. 'Cause anyone who's ever been to Sir knows that those menus have never been vacuumed, okay? There's like crusty boogers in that. - Yeah. - Right? - You got to wade through there to find the food. But anyway, they're having a menu meeting, but it's really, she knows sobriety camp. - Yeah, she-- - I'm gonna turn around, Shay. We're gonna go to the gym five times a day, 'cause he needs to leave sometimes. - I'm like, wade to stress out a drug addict. That's just what you do to an addict. Take away his other thing, food. - Yeah, exactly. Get them, let them have one voice. She's like, "No, we're gonna have egg whites." I'm like, if there's anything that's gonna drive someone to drink is being forced to have egg whites. Egg whites, you know what? Eating egg whites is like, the only time you voluntarily eat egg whites is when you've hit your low, okay? It's just like going into rehab, okay? Before you hit your low, you don't voluntarily take on egg whites. You take on egg whites 'cause you realize if you don't take on egg whites, you're not gonna be able to go forward, all right? - Exactly, you just have like a quadruple bypass, okay? - Yeah. - No. - Or you just got cast to play Captain America or something and they're like egg whites. But otherwise, no. And especially you do not give your overweight drug addict husband a diet with no calories. And also, if you're gonna put your overweight husband on a diet, y'all, you start with one less bowl of fruity pebbles a day. You don't just take everything away, darling. You don't go from like 8,000 calories a day to 50. Who does that? Who are these people? - Yeah, it's not gonna last. So anyway, so she knows to talk about that. - And then egg whites don't fix addiction, darling. So Lisa sees Jack's passing by and he's carrying a box to his car. Lisa's like, Jack's coming here. She's like, I know he's stolen from me. And she'd like list all the shit he's stolen. - We're still missing the toilet paper, paper holder from the bathroom. - I love that she's like, well, we know that Jack's is stolen. He's got cases of wine in his apartment, but it's just, he's such a good bartender. We can't do without him. I'm like, if your employee is stealing bottles, it's one thing to steal paper clips, but stealing bottles, like they're fired. They should be fired. - No, not a dur. - She makes friends with people who are broken anyway. She loves a bird that doesn't know how to fly right. She's like, your wing is broken, darling. Come here, let me tape it together and then watch you wobble down the street. Well, I walk like a ballerina, darling. She has something about broken people, you know, but she never really fixes them. She just kind of plays with the broken parts and then just throws them down on the ground and moves on to another broken one. - Keeps them broken. Hanky, if you think you're getting better, you're wrong. She needs to be a mother. You'll be sick for the rest of your life. She was probably the one poisoning Hanky in the first place. Munchazans. - There's been drama in the pond and someone broke Hanky's leg. I don't know who. - Hanky's like terrified of her backing away slowly. - Come to mummy, Hanky. - Hanky's like in a bed. She's like, Hanky, what are you gonna do with the characters in the next book? - Well, I was gonna kill them off. - No, Hanky, no. Psh. - I mean, she named her pet after something, somebody blows snot in. Okay, that's like someone who loves a victim, right? Okay, so Lisa's talking to Jacks and, I mean, yeah. Lisa's talking to Jacks and they're talking about Sina and Shay and he's like, yeah, but. - Like the reason he's like running away from her 'cause he has no voice. - Yeah. - Well, I mean, Jacks was right. I'm not gonna say he was wrong. I mean, but it's like the easiest diagnosis you can see. I mean, he's addicted. Shay is addicted to painkillers, but yeah, it's pretty obvious why. I mean, wouldn't you get addicted to painkillers if you lived in that apartment? - I would, but it's not like Sina just became like that. I mean, they were living together in the apartment. I mean, what's the difference now? And now he's got, maybe it's finally that he saw all those paintings of them on the wall where he just looks like a zombie, but she looks really happy. Like she's always looking at another version of herself that's looking cuter and cuter. Each picture is looking at the other picture and then that picture is looking at the other picture and they're all somehow always looking at Sina when she's sitting in the middle of the room, but they're never looking at Shay. He just looks confused. It's like, I think you remember from season one or when he first started coming around, Shay was sort of like more like a homely guy. He was just like this nice guy who was with Sina. And over the seasons, he's gotten more and more trying to be like, "Tom and Jack" or whatever. And I kind of actually feel like there probably wasn't undercurrent of unhappiness with him, but I think he got a little caught up in everything and he probably felt like a pressure to be a certain way and the fame and all that. And Sina, I mean, Sina is overbearing and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, but you know what? - I think when they got together, you know. Sina went from boning hot rich guys to like try and get whatever, you know, like the young Hollywood way to do it. And then that didn't really work out really well for her. And some girls who feel like a piece of mean, it's just like, look, it's a nice guy from my hometown. I don't even care. He's nice, he'll take care of me and he'll love me because he's not some crazy movie star who needs to have sex with 10 hookers a week. But then you break, you are fame hungry. So you end up on a reality show with other fame hungry idiots and you bring him to it. And of course he falls right into it. So you ended up with like, you know, an overweight, lazy guy that you were going to accept that he wasn't hot because he wasn't like that. But now he's turning into that anyway. It's like, what's the point? - Yeah, I agree. - Just keep him in a zoos, I don't think. If you're going to go for a different type, don't bring them to the town that ruined the hot one. - You know, so then one of my favorite moments of the entire episode was Tom getting lemon juice in his eyes, like, oh, and then after that. (laughing) And after that. - I didn't even notice that, I love it. - It was a scene I watched it twice. He's like squeezing a lemon and he goes, oh, I got lemon juice in my eyes, 'cause then. So then Lala and James are like talking in this creepy way where, you know, like James like stands there with like a hand on the wall. He's like, yeah, last night it was crazy, right? But, oh, I was mixing everything, you know? The whiskey and the tequila and the beer and the fireball. And then he like rubs his nose in the gay cocaine. I'm like, ugh, you're so creepy. - Well, also were you checking out his face in this? Because I know that I say on the show all the time, drugs, math, drugs, math. Let me tell you why I say that all the time. 'Cause I live in this neighborhood where that restaurant is and I see who's walking around the street and they offer me that shit in the bars. And guess what it is? Met, it's taking over this whole town. It's not like I'm just picking people randomly and like accusing them of random things. That is crazy, crazy drug face. That guy was not even close to being sober. He's like talking too much, talking too fast, looking all over the place, making those crazy faces. - Yeah, absolutely, woosh. So then Lala, they're talking about how they had a good makeup sesh. And Lala says something very strange, which to me sounded like it was her way of like, I must say this on camera to make sure I'm in the clear. She goes, so you broke up with Kristen, right? And like, what a strange thing to confirm like the day after you had a make out sesh on camera. It was very much her way of being like, see, I had no idea if you are with Kristen because I am naive, I don't think you're with her, right? - One of my initial judgment of Lala when we first saw her, was there something behind her eyes that looks like she understands? But then when she opens her mouth, she falls for it every time. Like, she's taking the sexual harassment from all these dudes as if it's like flirting and smiling, but she looks like she's smarter than that. There's something behind her eyes. - And this episode was when Lala took the lead, I was like, oh, Lala, Lala is no idiot. Lala worked every moron in this show this week, like a fucking pro. And by the way, real life, gorgeous. - Oh, there he is. - And she actually works. - You know, like you saw her as you went to surf? - Yeah, when I went, oh, I didn't talk to you last week. I went with my friend, Kimberly, and we saw James. We talked to James. - Oh, yeah. - He's like, oh, Lala, yeah. Welcome to, you know, it's like, he was very nice, but it's just like he is on this. Like, charm and doll. You should come watch me spin there, girl. You like to hear spinning? And I said, is it tribal, like, world beats mixed with something? The music, there's like-- - Yeah. - Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. - Yeah, it's got like, it's like that sassy, like, Argentinian pop music, like, pink martini. Then, you know, the thing is-- - And the way she was there, she was gorgeous, the ML dropping. - She is gorgeous, but I feel like, I mean, she auditioning for the local news, she has so much pancake makeup on, Lala, dial it back, let your beauty shine, Lala. Now, I know we can't be too mean to her. We have to be nice to Lala, but I have-- - Me, nice to Lala, Lala. - Me, nice to Lala, Lala. - Well, she, oh, she kind of a hoe, right? Like, we know that. So, look, the girl wasn't taught makeup. She was taught makeup by whoever she flies to Saudi Arabia with, or whatever she does. Whatever she does, her shit on me boats. Did we talk about that email that somebody sent us? Somebody sent us Urban Dictionary definition of porta potty, which is a girl who goes with all these rich men, wherever she's flying to get basically hoes, but it's not for sex, it's to like urinate or go poop on them or something. She's like, I think this girl's a porta potty. And I thought, you know what? I love this audience. I never would have known what the hell that was before. And now, every time I see Lala, I'm like, no wonder she's nice. Like, this person's not literally shitting on her. So, you know, as long as you do it metaphorically, she's fine with it. So then, speaking of shitters, here comes Kristin, and she shows up, and she needs to speak with James out back. So, I love that James, in a very stage scene, James asks Peter if he can go out back, as if they ever asked for permission to go out back. And Peter's like, yeah, just don't leave me hanging with the music. I'm like, what, you have, are there like, are there like legions of fans out there waiting for the set to continue? Like, just press play on like Spotify, like New York, and everybody knows how to press play on a CD player to get that Buddha bar from 11 years ago, spinning again, it's you, darling. - Yeah. So, James goes outside, and he sits down with Kristin, and I love when Kristin has her formal behavior on, and she's about to present some facts about something. And so, she sits down, and she's like, - Did you ask if you could step outside? Since when did you care? - And is like, drink, throw in, smoke in, yell in, waitress of the year. - Did you ask if you could step outside? - They're procedures, seriously, seriously. And then he's so out of it, he's like, - Oh, yeah, I asked about it, you're cheating whore. - Yeah, he gets right into it, he's like, he's like, yeah, so I don't trust you, I think you fucked someone. And then we have this hilarious story about how Kristin, Kristin, went to Michigan on the modeling shoot. And if going to Italy sounds suspicious, which it didn't sound suspicious to me, but if Italy is considered suspicious, I mean, I don't even know, I mean, what's in Michigan? What sort of photo shoot is happening in Michigan? I mean, but they're like a sausage store that needed like a new, like winter circular coming out? I mean, what is happening in Michigan that they need? - I was hired to deliver phone books to people's doorsteps, it's a big deal, okay? - I know, it was like ridiculous. So she went to Michigan and then she went out and did not return James's text and she said, my phone died. And he got furious and believed that she was cheating, which is, I mean, any relationship where, if you don't respond to a text within a certain amount of hours and then you immediately think that she's sleeping with someone, that is not a good sign. You do not want that in your relationship. - They're both always cheating on each other and they both know about it. So it's hilarious to hear them fight about it. And this was so funny because he's like, you were cheating, you always turn off your phone, Kristan, you always turn off your phone. Every time you go out to town, something happens with your phone, it's a miracle, Kristan. - And then it cuts with her telling the real story to us and she's like, yah, blah, sometimes, like, I'm out, like, yah, it's like, sometimes my phone goes off. - For a span of time, she had been saying a span of time. You know, there was a span of time when my phone died. There was been a span of time when I don't write back. There's a span of time, what transpired? Seriously, seriously. But she did make a point. She's like, well, if I was gonna cheat on you, I don't have to put my phone on silent. I was like, ooh, she has a point. But then I also loved, and they had this moment, this, like, Mexican standoff where he's like, I don't want to be the one. She's like, I don't want to be the one. She's like, I don't want to be the one. I'm like, oh God, this is really great. - I love it. - I'm really, then she, like, this was in her cut with another scene which we can talk about in a minute, but she's basically telling, she tries all these different tactics. The first is, you're a cheater, but he's like, you cheating whole? 'Cause he knew that one was coming. So then she starts with the you're a drug addict. So when it got to the point where he's just being belligerent and would not listen to any kind of sense, she totally turned on that you really want me to talk about what a drug addict you are right now on national television. 'Cause I will tell your mother right now on TV. 'Cause she's like, you're just losing yourself. 'Cause like, you're partying all the time. And like, you know, like, (inhales deeply) - Seriously. - Like, going out and stuff. Seriously. Like, you always have a runny nose. Seriously, seriously. I just wanna talk about your use of meth bid acting while you're spinning and you're saying. I think you're having too much Coca-Cola. - I just wanna make it crystal clear what I'm saying right now, James. - And he's like, oh, really, darling? Really, girl? 'Cause you're never gonna get this booty again, darling. See, I don't think you're ready for this jelly, Miss Honey, I can't say it. - You're not ready for this jelly jam. That preserves honey. - I love that when he became like a sassy lady. He's like, see this, you're never gonna have this ever. Again, Kristen, you ain't never gonna have this young, good-looking thing ever again. - He talks like a 70-year-old queen who just came out of a coma and listened to Beyonce for the first time and is just repeating random gay things that he thinks he's supposed to say. My cute taut him just, it's like he got off the plane and the gay-gen bus boy was there to meet him and talk to him, you know. Because he was wagging his finger. He was practically voguing right there. Yeah, he ain't never gonna get this, Kristen. Never gonna get it, never gonna get it. Never gonna get it, never gonna get it. Never gonna get it, never gonna get it. Never gonna get it, never get it. - It's like, to the left, to the left, Kristin, girl. To the left, girl. I've put your things in a box to the left, girl. All the DJs who are independent, throw your hands up at me. - And she's like, I paid your telephone bill. I paid your automobile. (laughing) - Yeah, it's like, why not your bugger boo? You're a bugger boo. - Should I be nice to you? Why, Kristin, what did you give me, Kristin? You bought me lunch a couple of times. Kristin, what? You bought me lunch and bought me a couple of sweaters from the Salvation Kristin, girl. Girl, honey, pop, step off the curb, girl. - She's like, girl, well, actually, y'all, like, paying the rent and getting you on a TV show and like buying you clothes. - Yeah, that's called like helping you, you know? - It's like, oh, really, Kristin? Well, thanks a lot. Never ate the lunch, Kristin. So, whatever, you're cheating, whore, girl. - Kristin, I only ate the lunch of Boz. I didn't have the lunch, okay? So it doesn't count. It wasn't a real lunch. - It's like circle snap, all right? Hate it, hit, girl. (laughing) - Shade, girl. So then he's like, you have played me for too long and I'm done. I'm like, you're the one who cheated on her twice already in this four-week-old season. - This is also a case of you used each other and now it's done, okay? Obviously, she talked about Tom. I think until last week, only because they were like, seriously, you have to stop talking about it at all. 'Cause even in this, she's like, oh, like, I mean, it's so sad 'cause I think like, he was my best friend. I'm like, dumb! - Like, you know you're talking about James, right? - Yeah, exactly. And I love how, I think one of my favorite moments in this ridiculous fight was he goes, guess how upset I am? Guess how upset I am? I'm not upset at all. (laughing) You're jokes, you're jokes, you're jokes. - You're a jokes. - You're a jokes Kristan. I'm not gonna let you get in the way. I went from busboy to fully DJing. - Oh, that was amazing. That was amazing. I went from busboy to now someone who spends in the pizza station, putting records on and then pouring water Kristan, okay? It's called Grett Kristan. I went from busboy to carboy. - She's like, he's like, jekyll and hiding. Like, what the heck? - Seriously, I've worked so hard on me. Seriously? Well, I've been to therapy and my therapist was like, - You haven't been to therapy, you're the same as you were last year, dawg, and amazing stuff. All he needs is one of those really long cigarette holes. - I was just saying he needs like a John Waters mustache. - And a ball gown that doesn't quite fit. He just needs to be some shady drag queen. You're not like really sure if it's on purpose or not. - Maybe he is gay. I mean, the way he talks about his sexual conquest is so showy that it's almost bordering on like trying to prove something that he is not because he really, he really cleaned out on Kristan. I mean, and you know, when you ever make us take the side of Kristan, not because he was queening out, but like he was being so over the top and she just, she was actually being pretty rational with him. And he's like, no girl, girlfriend, get out of here, girlfriend, live my life, girlfriend. - That's right, girl. It's me, Miss Independent, so right, girl. All right then, why don't she go back then? And then now you can go on the Google girl and you can do like your old boyfriend since stuck me. You can go to my face, but girl. - Oh my God, no, darling. - It's not old boyfriends. - It's normal. So then we, after this ridiculous scene, yeah. - Well, this was Intercut with Lala. Lala talking about how terrified she is of Kristan, which was so funny. She's like, I've heard a lot about this Kristan chick. And this is like the part of the horror movie. You know, we're just like a hot girl. And then like, she's hot. And then someone slashes her throat. (laughing) - Be nice to Lala, killer. (laughing) - Listen here, Lisa Rina. You take off that mask right now. Be nice to Lala. - Freddy Krueger, you get out of Lala's dreams right now. Be nice to Lala. She needs her mama, not Freddy Krueger. Freddy, you just go. You need your mama to, Freddy. Everyone be nice to Freddy also. Everyone was mean to Freddy. Everyone be nice to Freddy. - Be nice to Freddy Krueger, darling. You've already set him on fire in the middle of the cul-de-sac. What else do you need to do to pull Freddy? - Freddy, I'll give you a job, darling. - All right, Freddy. All right, you can work at the bar with Jack's, all right? Just make sure he's-- - Freddy's mother was a prostitute in Paris from Les Misérables, played by Patty LaPone in a bowl gown, darling. (laughing) - That was separate. - It's been nice to Freddy. - Frederick, Frederick. I'm gonna call you Frederick now. You're a real man now. - Pandy, ghost, go get Freddy some clothes. - Be nice to Cedric. Oh, man, Frederick. - I'm like, she can't let it go. Freddy Krueger's like, yeah, but I wanna have sex with you. Wear a thong in Muhammad's hot tub. - It's like, oh darling, Freddy, get out of the hot tub. You're embarrassing Kyle Richards, Freddy Krueger. - Hey, Lisa, Freddy keeps trying to lick me through the phone. Be nice to Freddy, he has no one to lick. There, give you a cheek. Katie, give you a cheek now. Lick, Freddy, go lick through the phone. - Oh, what the hell were we even talking about? - Okay, well, we're talking about how a lot of us-- - So good, no, no, I'm with you, I'm just like, what? - Well, let's just move on, so-- - Sometimes it gets to a point, and I'm with it, but I still don't know what we're talking about. - We're just gonna move on, just trust the process. We're moving on. So, Sheena, now it's time for the cooking lesson. And Tom and Ariana come over to give a lesson on how to make an omelet. So, Sheena's like, she has all these ambitions. She's like, I wanna learn, I only know how to cook bad things. I wanna look at, I wanna learn how to cook semen. (laughing) - That's what she says, "Samine." - "Samine." - "Samine." - That is awesome. - Because they have salmon on the menu, and how many times has she suggested semen to people, and they just die? - You know they die, every time. - They're like, this is a gay restaurant. - Black moms and air specials are a pump teeny with grilled semen. - And you're like, whoa, it's a pump and a finished darling, and a grill. - Just put some rice on my face next morning. We've got ourselves a one night stand. - Yeah. - It's anyway. - So this is Tom's new business, I guess, because every housewife has a business, and it seems like Tom is gonna be some kind of healthy cook or something, 'cause he's like, yeah, I like to cook. Like, I'm like Rocky's trainer, you know? Like, I want him to be like Rocky's trainer. I want Sheena to be like a mountain top. - Like done, goal accomplished. Set higher goals, darling. - Yeah. So he made a healthy breakfast, and I immediately felt shame because I had an unhealthy breakfast today, but that's my own-- - I feel shame. - I felt like fuck you thin people. I'm not eating like that broccoli and egg whites growth. - It's like, it's organic broccoli, an organic oil, an organic salt, an organic egg whites. - I'm like, how are you listing 20 organic ingredients and a two ingredient dish? - Yeah. - Get these fucking eggs and broccoli out of my face before I meet you. - Great disgusting. So then, when we go back to Sir, and Jax is making a drink for Tom Schwartz, and Jax's shirt is now fully open to the navel, and I am going to body shame, Jax. I mean, he is soft. I mean, and I'm speaking of someone who is soft, okay? He, like, it's, I am soft, but I'm a podcaster. He is a model bartender. He cannot be soft like that. Jax, button up and get, stop. Start eating some, you know, organic broccoli and egg whites because things are going wrong. - Very Jax. - Jax is old enough to see things repeat. He's old enough to see trends come and go. The 80s are back, the 90s are back. He's just waiting for those garbage pail kids cards to be traded again, 'cause he's going for it. My God, man. What the hell are you doing to your face? Every time I press it and it's pausing on Jax's face, I'm fucking, I just feel terrible for him. It's fiction. - We know what he used to look like. It used to be amazing. - I know. - Darling, if Shay can stop eating the Cheerios, you can stop with the face. Stop it. Stop adding things to your face, darling. - Exactly. At the very least, shave the, the, the ratty beard. It's just as adding to the problem. - Yeah. - So then a similia comes to Sur, which cracks me up. Like any of these morons are going to be able to remember what the similia teaches them. - And every week, Lisa's having new people come train them and I think it's so funny that she has to train these people. And of course, it's not the regular staff. So this show is so typical of Hollywood. It puts all the minorities and the fat people in these weird minor roles. There were two overweight waitresses this time. I was so happy and they actually weren't fame horns. They were like normal, nice people. So they had like bit parts. So Vanderpump rules can be like, "Well, we've got Shay and Azuzo and then two bigger people here." And then look, look at all the minorities in the background. It's like you go to a big Hollywood movie and they're like, "Look, there's a few Asians scattered here and there are a couple of black people standing back there by the building that's about to blow up." - Like the only minorities have to like actually learn the things, you know? - Yeah, but that was an example of high comedy watching people like Shina get wine lessons. - And where's the LEA? Where's the LEA? I thought there was some LEA coming through. - Acting like she just pulled off a miracle by getting a cork out of a bottle. It's like, "Really? How long have you perked here?" Like, "Well, look, first you got your press out on." I'm like, "It's just a little part in the middle to kind of move the cork up." But then you're like, "It's not coming up." So then you move it up and on your other part. And then you pull up even more, it's pushing down. - This is what I'm gonna do this Shay's addiction. I'm gonna uncork it, and we're gonna fix it. - If Shay takes like seriously, I told Shay, "If you take like one more pill, like I'm falling like for divorce." And Lisa goes, "I'm sorry, this is skipping back. I'm only doing this because it's amazing." Lisa goes, "Darling, what are you doing with Shay? All right, it takes one more pill, that's it." Oh, God damn it, I forgot what I was even talking about 'cause now I'm looking at the wrong scene. Moving on, darling, I'm so sorry. - If Shay lets Kristen, Shay, Rachel. - Oh, Kristen and Rachel at lunch. - I don't, we can go there now, right? - No, I just was, before even that, I was amused because Jax tries to tattle on Lala and James, you know, making out. He tattles to Lisa, and he's like, "What about the new fratization policy?" And this is like fratization? I mean, fratization. And he's like, "Yeah, Lala and James are making out." And she's like, "Do not sabotage Lala. I know you're trying to sabotage Lala and James." She will not let anything get-- - What are you trying to do, sabotage Lala? - That's what she said. - Don't sabotage Lala. - James, there's certain things that are off-limits. - Someone sounds a little bitter, darling. I hear that, "You were the coke of the walk." - I lovingly suggest stuff like that. - You were the coke of the walk. The wrists were on the wrist at the top of the morning, eh? (laughing) - The crumpus at the top of the chimney. - Like my coke has never walked. - You were the coke of the walk, and then this other little meth head comes in and it's a little bit out and a blonde smooth ass bottom, darling. - Don't sabotage. - It's beautiful on your faces before you know it is gonna have changeable noses, darling. - Listen, the three things that are off-limits, all right? Lala, hanky, and Pandy's purse, okay? Don't talk about any of them, all right? That's all I say. Don't talk about any of them. - Be nice to Pandy's pants, darling. - Be nice to Pandy's bowling bag. It's a favorite sport. - It's a bowling bag. It gets bigger and bigger every time. - Be nice to Pandy's rolling suitcase, darling, sitting on a lap. - Be nice to Pandy's hefty bag full of dried leaves. She was doing something good for the community. Be nice to her. - No, Pandy's not a child. She's just in a gigantic chair. Be nice to Pandy. - Be nice to cherry, too, while you're at it. - Cherry. - Oh, God, thank God, chairs don't talk. Could you imagine couch this? (laughing) - Okay, so Kristen goes to lunch with this boring comic girl that we saw last year named Breakthrough. - It was stupid, they just talk. I mean, nothing happened to scene. Only that happened to scene is that I meet a vine of her saying, yeah, there's this new girl named Lala, and the other girl's Lala. So I have a vine that goes, this new girl Lala, Lala. This new girl Lala, Lala. (laughing) I can tell you if I could find it. - Lala? - So she's like, yeah, I just don't understand James because like, I mean, his ego is like, it just grows so fast. It's like a Chiapat growing, calm down, you know? Like, it's like, when I had my first Chiapat, and I was like, ugh, you're growing too fast. Calm down, Chi-ah. - And I thought, you know, that's actually really interesting because the Chiapat is like some odd looking little thing that isn't anything until someone else comes by with water and fills it, like pours water on it. I'm like, what a perfect way to describe a busboy, darling. - I'm telling. Well, and you don't know if he's a head or a little animal. You can choose what you want it to be. - And he's just leaving seeds everywhere. You never know where that grass is gonna grow, y'all. - And he hasn't been cool for 20 years. So-- - And he probably cost $19.99. I'm less than a fool ourselves. - So then he's cool galore, ugh. - So then, let's see, Peter cut off his ponytail, which is sort of a museum. - And then they girls got their nails done, which is like, whatever. - Well, this was great because this turned into the Sheena Girl Talk Therapy because Sheena never listens to anybody anyway. So they're in this, like, little trailer and she's like, yeah, wow, have you got her? Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. - And then she tells us-- - Yeah, ooh, ooh, this is why we don't want your brown 'cause you're the type to make up with other people's boyfriends. - Really, Sheena? - Seriously? - Yeah, I know, exactly Sheena. You're the one who also used the same line that Lala did, which is that-- - I don't know that they were, that they were so like out of here. He told me they weren't. Just comes on my face. (groans) (groans) - So serious. (laughing) She did it, so she was calling them about shame. She's like, remember how last week he was at her? I'm at it. Well, now he's okay, it's so great. We were just like, let's just pretend my whole thing didn't happen. And they're like, she's smiling. I think she had new teeth today. I don't know why her teeth were so giant, but I think she got them between weeks. But she's smiling and she's like, "We're just ignoring it." And they're both looking away awkwardly. And Katie, queen of the awkward relationship, goes, "You know, it's just sometimes Sheena, it takes a lot of time to work through these issues." Like, Tom made a promise in six months. He might talk about maybe asking me to marry him in another five years. He's like, "This stuff doesn't happen overnight, okay?" (laughing) I'll probably drop out of time if he takes later on. (laughing) On my pal, on my pal. (laughing) (laughing) (laughing) Like looking away awkwardly. Lawl on James. I just wrote, "Yay waitress, two fat waitresses in a row. "This is my life. "What kind of L.A. is this? "There's finally a quality." Yeah. So yeah, they were getting a burger. Lawl in James were getting a burger. And I don't remember really what they talked about. But the only note that I wrote in this scene is that James wants to make a track with Lawl. Yeah, you gotta come by, we'll make a track. Then we can play it at Sir, be huge. We'll make, are you talented? You're pretty good, aren't you good? You wanna make a track? Yeah, you wanna make a track? Hey, take a good look. It's less time you'll ever get an opportunity to make a track with face like this. (laughing) So she was saying, guys, usually not my type. Like, you just like go for a steak. But this time, I'm like, oh, I need to get shit on a boat when I could just day to tune this sandwich. It's kind of soggy, no one eats. Yeah. Well, I go for a redwood, but I can just have a toothpick. (laughing) So then she says something really weird that I don't get. She was talking about how she'll go up against Kristen if she has to. And she's like, if she messes with these little softies, I was like, what? I didn't understand what she said, but I couldn't real wind it. But at this point, I was like, "I don't have a lot of faith in you, Lawl. Boy was I wrong." So the next song, they're coming to service. So it's like, the camera on, sir. And she's like, the song is, "Catch me, I'm falling." And I'm just thought, how fitting is this? It's fucking wind training at, sir. It's like, you catch me, I'm falling. I know, and I misspoke 'cause the wind training happened now. Previously, they just were really talking about it going to a wind training. So now this is when last, last assembly A comes through, but we already talked about the training, but I love how afterwards she was like, I mean, this is literally the first time I've had free goat cheese balls in front of me and I haven't eaten them. I've like turned over a new leaf. Like, I think I cured addiction 'cause I'm not even having the goat cheese balls. I like, can't even believe that someone offered me goat cheese balls right now. - How are you gonna have happy hour with goat cheese balls, which don't make me happy when I have to pay for that? - So see, this wind training thing was hilarious because they're torturing faith. I mean, faith. - Thank you, faith, yeah. - Why do they keep every clip they show of someone fucking up its faith on her first date? - I don't think that was faith. - Actually, would they show the Pinot Noir thing? - Oh, I thought it, I wrote faith. - Why? - I thought it was a different waitress. I don't know, I wasn't paying attention. - I know, but I was like, I wasn't paying the string. They're like flashback to faith being a terrible waiter. I'm like, Jesus Christ, like, you don't have five years of footage of everybody else being terrible. Why are you picking on the new girl? - And she says, she's asking her in the flashback. - I'm getting a stake, darling. What kind of wind do you suggest pairing with it? She's like, ah, Pinot Noir? No, it's an obstacle, body, darling. - And then she tells us. - You have to know the dominating flavors of the food. - I'm like, honey, your menus are for crusty-- - Yeah. - For, from the Michaels. And this shipment was made from someone by the Food Network star who was terrible and like made everything with her vagina. - Yeah. - And it's all bad. - I've eaten it a million times. - When you're serving fried goat cheese balls, I don't think you have to worry too much about whether or not Pinot Noir pairs well with the Salzberg steak. - The only thing that would pair well with that is like Capri Sun, which she already knows. Just let the woman do what she knows, okay? - Yeah. - Oh, and I have to say, how dare you act like this is a fancy restaurant? When I went there, we ordered goat cheese balls because I mean, you have to, right? So we ordered goat cheese balls and guess what we got instead? Goat cheese empanadas. - Who does that? Who does that? - It was like Frelo doe y'all bought from the fucking Costco and wrapped some frozen goat cheese up in and over Friday. - Get the hell out of here with your $10 goat cheese. - Pump is where the real action is. That's what Chef Penny is. And I actually enjoyed my tuna tartarid pump. But anyway, so then-- - I mean, it's raw tuna bin. - Yeah, that's true. - Like tossed in some acid. - Yeah. - Well, good on you, Chef Penny. You really, you kicked out of the park. So, I don't know, or I'll hit it out of the park. You don't kick things out of the park. Chef Penny is start playing kickball, gets back in the kitchen. - So this was that Lisa and Sheena meeting and Sheena's like, it's going great, but like, I don't want air rides. I want eggs and bacon. - Lisa's like, darling, there's some more we're talking about addiction. All right, what's going on with the addiction? I hate breaking. No, darling, where's-- What is she doing right now? Is she on drugs right now? Is he working? Where is he? He's like, I don't know. He's at home. He doesn't work. - Hey, promise. - Wait. - Hey, promise me he would stare at our photos all day until he loved me again. - Why would you leave someone on drugs alone at home? I've got three versions of myself staring at him from the wall. They'll tell me. - Yeah, Sheena-- - She tells him that. She's like, Shay, I'm looking at you from over there. From over there. And from over there. - They're all like Harry Potter newspapers where they come alive. - So, the thing is, Sheena is, I would not say doing a great job with Shay's aftercare, perhaps. Because in the next scene is at night at the club and the whole gang has gone to this club and Sheena is there and she's like, she's like, wow, my options were to either stay at home with Shay or go to the Kristen show. So I chose the Kristen show. I'm like, your husband is recovering. He's in like the early stages of recovery and you're gonna just leave him home and it's just a reminder of what he's missing out on. You have to be there with him and like, just show that like, that there can be a life without booze 'cause he can be there with you. I was like, you wanna do a terrible thing. - You can't have it both ways either. She is causing him to be a drug addict because she's so crazy and it's good for her to be out of the house. Or, I mean, we can't give two kinds of advice. Like if it's her causing it, it's probably good that she's not drinking, that's true. - She's like, hey, I'm not drinking. - And he's like, thank God, another night without heroin. - Yeah. - I don't need to do any oxy, didn't I? But that was really fun. She's like, he has only had home with a remote control. It's not like he can snort that. - I'm like, God, I don't know. It was gonna be an extra big drug test tonight. So then there was a home working on our marriage. It doesn't need a job. - How hard do you have to work on the marriage and everything around? You didn't even know he was doing drugs until you heard it on TV. Get out of here. - Well, anyway, so at the club, James comes in with Lawler and they're sitting there and he's got his hand like sort of around her. And now they've like, they've really accelerated in the span of like 48 hours to like walking around like a little couple. And they're like, yeah, we just had, Lawler's like, yeah, we just made out. We just made out and just went on a date. It's like, no big deal. Whatever, da, da, da, da, da. So in walks Kristin and we are waiting for craziness to happen, but the craziness does not come from Kristin. It comes from James. James is like totally unhinged. He's like, oh, oh, you can talk to Jax. You can talk to Jax. You can talk to old Jaxie boy. We're gonna go sleep with Kristin again, old Jaxie boy. I'm like, it was, everyone's like, even Jax, like, James, just be quiet. - Oh, look, this bloody girl, Kristin. Oh, Kristin, you're gonna sit on Jax's shimmy stack then, mate. - Are you talking, this is not Mary Poppins, okay? - Yeah, like just because she says something to him does not mean that she's gonna sleep with him again. Okay, just, well, I mean, it might, but like, just relax. - Well, he knew that she was there for drama, so I guess he was just playing the wrong scene. - Yeah, so then Lawler is like, finally, Lawler is disgusted by this guy for temporarily at least, and she's like, she's like, have some respect. Have some respect for Kristin. It's not nice, don't do that. I don't want your arm around me. - Oh, it's so- - You're not fun, now you're not fun now. You're not fun, fun, please have come. - Well, I'm a woman, and women to women, like, it's like, I understand how she feels. Okay, now here's where Lawler wins my haul, and she's gonna be on the show forever, and here's how you know. She works everybody. She doesn't give a shit what those girls think. She knows they're all bitches, and she also knows James is a total dude. She's seen how he talks to her. He's also seen how he talks about everyone else, and she also knows that he's doing drugs and fucking around, so she's not looking at him for that. So, she's here, and she knows what she has to do, and it's very easy getting rid of him, or throwing him under, because he's totally wasted, and she doesn't care. So, she knows that in order to make it at this restaurant, you gotta have the girls on your side. Listen, men come and go, but a woman will fuck up your face. Like, she'll fuck up your life, okay? And she's smart, she is one, so she's like, listen. So, she's gotta stick together, y'all. This is Saudi Arabia. We need to link arms and make it to the airport. That's one. We can fight on the plane, darling. - Well, she played it exactly right. She went out, she sat down with Kristen, and, you know, she was like, you know, tried to clear the air and everything, and Kristen's like, yeah, so, James walked around and said that you were a slut, and you like to dress slutty, and then you were super, super slutty, no, no, no, no. But we were totally still together when he got smit out. Yeah, we were totally together. And Lala, first of all, Lala had the exact right to read on it, which is, well, James probably liked me and had to cover it up by acting like he hated me. So, she got that right, but she did the correct thing, which is that she pretended like she was disgusted, and she was telling Kristen, like, ah, I am, that's awful. That's awful, and James comes by, I was like, hello, guys. And she's like, I don't really want to talk to you. Like, we're both offended right now. And Kristen was smiling ear to ear. Like, she, you know, like, she had fallen one. - I have no idea James was cheating or being a pig. I love it. And when Lala said that, if he calls me a slut, I guess it makes it okay, that's the kind of thing that makes me feel for Lala, 'cause she is way too young to already know what it's like to be used up, like that by douchebag man. And she already knows, that girl is hardened. You can see it in her eyes. She's definitely got like 70 year old madam eyes, you know? She's like, I was a hoe, and then I sold hoes, and now I'm just a hoe with a garage sale, or whatever. She has those, like, knowing eyes. And it made me very sad, but it also made me very proud because I was like, look at this girl. She's been hardened by men, but now she knows how to not only manipulate them and get what she needs, but manipulate all the women too. That's a pretty good girl, at a girl. So she makes him look like an asshole. She gets Christian on her side because she's both a woman victim, and she's like a James victim. So they're in on that also, like Kristen wins the point or whatever, then they go inside, and she just lets James come along and start his shit, and he falls right into it and says, you're being a basic bitch right now, girl. Which is like another total gay thing to say. - Yeah, yeah. - You're a basic bitch. - Really? - How are you gonna circle a snapper now? - He's like, top a ball, and you're looking, looking? Mask, are you mask? - These are all grinder terms for the straight people in the audience. - Oh, I didn't even know. You can tell it. - God, you can tell I'm not an internet whore. - This is how people-- - It's gonna laugh anyway, even though I don't know what you're talking about. - No, this is how, like, grinder conversations start looking. That's usually the first question, and it's like, top or bottom, and then, like, you mask, stuff like that. - What does you mask mean? - Like, as in, are you masculine? - Oh, oh, oh, I thought you meant like facial mask, and I was like, yes, please, for the entire cast. That would be great. - Yes, anyway, he calls her a basic bitch, which is really obnoxious to say to someone who you're hooking up with. I mean, he's really got an internet. He's got a real problem. - Well, that's not cool, because I'm not a slut in a whore, because I'm not paid for sex, like, which would be totally dope, by the way. But I know for sure I'm not basic. And she's like, you're not allowed to say bitch. Like, you're not allowed to call somebody that, and I'm like, so not a feminist to her. Like, I'm curdling off for equal rights for women, but don't call them a bitch. - Yeah, it's the grating. - I'm not a feminist, shut the fuck up, you idiot. Who says that? I'm not, what woman says I'm not a feminist? You're not for equal rights for women, you fucking moron. - Well, you just have to look at her season one dance performance, and now she's not a feminist. - Listen, any girl like Sheena, who could actually dump the married guys, keep a job waiting table, and marry a normal guy from Azusa, I mean, that's like, I guess that is, is that reverse feminine? I don't know. You know what, we're gonna get into a conversation I don't even know how to get out of, 'cause I'm not even sure what Sheena's doing now, and I'm thinking way deeply, way deeply about it, then she ever will, so let's just let it drop. - I'm not a feminist. - I'm not a feminist, I just crush a lot. - So, that was pretty much the episode. Anyway, so that's it. So we, gosh, on Thursday, we have a big show, we have, we're gonna get into Beverly Hills. We'll do a big thing on Beverly Hills, I'm sure. We'll probably go, we probably won't get too deeply into Top Chef, Top Chef is a two-night premiere. I mean, I think we'll-- - Who is? - Yeah, two-night premiere. - Whoa. - But you know, we never get too deep into Top Chef anyway. We probably won't do like a full full recap, but we'll talk about the ones we like, and I'm sure we'll have, we will, Ron and I are gonna have some very special insight, and in fact, keep your eyes peeled. You might just-- - Oh yes, yes. - Keep your eyes peeled in episode one. You might just see somebody. - We can't tell you what we were doing, but you might see us. - Okay, spoiler alert, I'm playing Gail Simmons this year. - Yeah, I have like 12 terribly patterned floral dresses from Ashley. - What is that? - Laura Ashley that I will be bringing out this season. And a bun. - Watch out. - Watch out, I had a dream. I was friends with Padma two nights ago, it was really cool. That's my name dropping is now I've gotten to point where I'm like doing the dream dropping. Like, yeah, I think really rude things to me, where you're like, okay Gail, your mouth is full, so great. - I'm full, but my dear friend Gail Simmons could surely finish this up. I wish I had the same appetite as my good friend Gail. Here you go, Gail. - You know, this really isn't for me, but you can give it to Gail. I mean, she'll eat anything. Give her rubber shoes, she'll eat it, you know. - Hello, chefs. - Hello, chefs. Welcome to a quick fire challenge. - Oh, I can't wait for a robotic pad, no. - So we have that, so we have Beverly Hills, we have Top Chef, we're gonna touch on the below deck part two reunion, but we probably won't go too depth in depth in that either. And then we have Chasha, Chasha. - We have so much coming up. So I guess we can't do a five hour podcast about all of these shows, so we're gonna have to make it quick. - Well, you're gonna try to, I'm gonna try not to take-- - It's gonna be 37 hours, you know that, right? - Here's what I'm not gonna wanna take. I'm gonna try to reduce the amount of notes I take, 'cause I feel like the more notes that I take, the more things I talk about, so that's my contribution. So I'm gonna try to reduce, Beverly Hills, I'll give the full force Beverly Hills, 'cause Beverly Hills, the other ones I'll be good about. - We'll see when it comes, I'm not gonna come with the plan, I'm just gonna come talk, and then I'm gonna be super vigilant for when you're going with your brain and try to do that. (laughing) Sound like a marriage to you, something? - Yes. - It's a marriage to me. - I'll be on your phone, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. - Talk just enough so that he's annoyed, but not enough that he leads. - I'm never annoyed, I'm never annoyed. - He plays. - I've been and that's what they would say, darling. - I'm never annoyed, I just get impatient. (laughing) - I'm married well, darling, now sit in this car while I go in the store and try on some scuts. - darling, let's just go to the mouth because for nine years in a row and see what happens. (laughing) - Everybody, thanks for listening to Watch What Crap Inns. They're huge, come to watchwhatcrapinns.com, patreon.com/whatcrapinns and facebook.com/watchupcrapinns. Leave your questions for the mailbag over at patreon.com/watchupcrapinns and go over there to get your ringtones and your below deck, Kate Chastain. I don't know, texting emotion gifts or whatever you, you kids are calling them these. - I love like, things are like over and I can do it, finally, darling, there you go. - All right. - But I'm gonna be like, "Bam, I got a playstation." - Oh my God, telling it's over, let it go. - Hey everybody, we love ya, we'll see you next time. I'm not gonna let it go, Ronnie, just to spite you. I'm gonna keep on talking. ♪ Let it go, let it go ♪ - Let it go, let it go. - Gosh, I love the painkillers. ♪ Gosh, it's just oxy, let it go ♪ - Kate, that's so nice. - That's so nice, you let it go, that's so nice. We can get back to eggs and bacon. - Yeah, but the only reason he's doing that is because she's more of his mother than his wife. - Darling, I don't know what you're talking about, darling, is that'll never help in a marriage. Can someone please change Ken's diaper? (laughing) Give him this bottle, darling. - Pandy, get one of the diapers out of your joint bag. Your father needs one. - Oh my God. - That's what it is, a mystery solved. - It may be a five hour podcast, but the end. - We solve a mystery. - We figure it out, we figure it out. It's not her own baby bag, it's for her dad. (laughing) - All right, we figured it out. Freddy, Krueger and Krampus, you can go now. (laughing) - Be nice to Freddy and Krampus. - Be nice to Krampus. Oh wait, you're dead, never mind, child. All right, next turn. Be nice to Krampus. All right, they're dead, too. Krampus, stop drowning the children before I knock them to be nice, too, darling. - Krampus, we're trying to turn things around for you to keep on taking children to hell. Why do you do that, Krampus? I'm on your side now, Krampus. - Here's an old of branch, Krampus. - Ow, why did you slap me in the face with that, darling? - The problem is that I reached out to Krampus. I didn't reach out to Krampus. I reached out to Krampus, who was addicted to painkillers? It's not the same, Krampus. (laughing) Krampus, you're killing me. I mean, I was better friends with banana foster over there, darling. - Krampus, okay, quickly. What one pairs well with the steak? Tell me. - Santa would be, I mean, Yolanda would be like, oh, hello, you're at Krampus. Oh, so like Santa Claus, but not. - Okay, other one. (laughing) - What's up, my name? - Okay, what, what? Or maybe go get mommy and those people from the outside. - Krampus, will you go down to the man with the legitimate tablets and get me one to cry into? Thank you, Krampus. - Oh, I'm reading in the tabloids that Krampus is dating the weekend. - That's the only thing she's asking for in the divorce. She's like, I know I didn't have contract, but please, somebody take care of the little mermaid tau seller on the property. - I thought you were going to say, listen, I don't care if I got to have anything, just make sure I get Gigi, you can take the other one. You can take the Krampus one. (laughing) - The Krampus one. - I want a good Santa. - Oh, but could you imagine that? She'd be like, Gigi, how many almonds did you eat? - Oh no, Gigi, just because they leave you cookies, there doesn't mean you're supposed to take them. Those are for Krampus, those are for your Krampus sister. - Don't you know that even smelling or cookie can make your nose bigger? Don't you watch the panochios? Oh my God, how come in here? Oh, where's the little lesbian? What, come in here, come in here, short hair? All right, let's go basketball, come to mother. - I groom you, you will be mine. (laughing) (humming) - Oh, Yolanda, feel better over there. - Feel better, that was our Yolanda hug. Feel good, is that feel good? - I just like that you made Gigi Santa and the other one, Krampus. - But then she killed them both and was nice to end war finally. - Oh, exactly, the other one was? Is that who the little one was that you're talking about? - Lesbian one is Anwar over in the cup. - Oh, I didn't realize it. I thought Anwar was just an elf at this point. (laughing) - So Yolanda probably is. She's like, oh look, that little lesbian over there is moving, I thought this was statue. I thought you were one of the five tenants that we left in the refrigerator too long, come to mama. Oh, I thought you were still skin, I'm so sorry. - So David gets all the money, but who gets the five tenors in the basement? 'Cause you know they still in there. - That goes the guy on the corner selling little mermaid towels. (laughing) They're gonna be like, ♪ Isn't it rich, isn't it neat? ♪ ♪ Wouldn't you think my collection's complete? ♪ - I'm selling you little mermaid towels. UCA. - Well, I'm joking, I was the girl that had everything. You know how it all comes full circle back to the little mermaid, eh, towel guy? - Uh. (laughing) - Yeah. - I'm hurting English. - All right, now it is officially done. It is officially done. - Huh. Now Ben is officially in the back seat of the car, waiting for me to finish in the department store. (laughing) Love you guys, see you next time. - Bye. - Bye. - If you like Watch what Crap is, you can listen ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey at wondery.com/survey. - Have you ever wondered who created that bottle of sriracha that's living in your fridge? Or why nearly every house in America has at least one game of monopoly? Introducing the best idea yet. A brand new podcast about the surprising origin stories of the products you're obsessed with. Listen to the best idea yet on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.
