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Compounded products are not FDA-approved or verified for safety, effectiveness, or quality. Prescription required restrictions apply. Texture is the app that gives you an all-access pass to the world's best magazines right on your phone or tablet. To sign up, go to texture.com/crapins. Hey, it's me, Ronnie. Happy Thanksgiving. Welcome to Watchit Crapins. Just a quick note so you guys know what's going on, because Ben is out of town, and I'm cheating with our podcast friends. So just a heads-up so you know what episodes are what. We have already done a full hour and 45 minutes with the lovely Angie Thomas of Real Housewise of Atlanta. It was a maze. We broke it down. We also did a very special Thanksgiving bonus episode which you can find at patreon.com/watchitcrapins. As with all our bonuses, which are all available once you are a member of any dola amount, this episode is the gold and we this was a blind date. So much fun. Julia Cunningham from SiriusXM came to talk about Vanderpump Rules with me. And Ms. Katie Kazorla stopped by to do a little Real Housewise of Beverly Hills Uncensored. She also stuck around for an extra bonus bonus episode, darling, which you can find at patreon. And you can also find in your normal feed. So those of you who are wondering why you're getting bonuses, it's a sample bonus, guys, it's to show you what the subscribers are getting all the time. Everybody, thank you so much. We are not skipping below deck this week. We are coming to do a double episode next week so we can get both reunions in with Nadine Rajabi, who is one of the producers on the show, and an actual real life close friend of mine. And Ms. Kate Chestain, who's a new friend, internet friend, podcast friend, and just all around funny, hilarious lady. So we will be talking major crap about that next time. So be patient, it's coming and it's going to totally be worth it. In the meantime, let's get on with Vanderpump Rules and a little Real Housewise of Beverly Hills. Happy Thanksgiving, you guys. Love you much. Ben, I'm Ms. Yataga. Watch what Crapins would like to think it's premium. Subscribe in sugar mama. Christy Doherty, we love you a little turkey. Hello everybody and welcome to the Watch what Crapins Podcast. Here I am with Ms. Katie Kazola. Our new show, Second Wives On Eve. For me it's actually shooting. Oh my god, we start filming. We have to like film this whole like whole big deal thing in like the next two weeks. So I'm binge dieting and I've been doing Nutra System to get in shape. Nutra System, that's an old reliable that one. You know, people discount it because the name's old and it sounds like Nutra Sweet, which gives you cancer. So I think people are like, no, that one's gross. But it's always worked. Oh my god, it does work. But now I have sky high cholesterol and probably high blood pressure. But I lost weight. It cares. You know, then people can die of heart attacks. It's called fairness, Katie. It's what's on the outside that counts when you're on reality TV. It's so shallow. It's what we don't put into the inside that counts. Yeah, exactly. And look at what you're watching. You know, like you're all victims of it. So this first hour is all about the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Uncensored and the Vicky Tells All special. And the hour after that is Atlanta, Real Housewives of Atlanta, a full hour and 45 minutes of that. She's talking with Angie Thomas of the Deep Thoughts podcast. So stick around for that. Okay. So now let's get on with this, Katie. Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Uncensored. Oh my God, it was such a good intro. I thought it was going to be ridiculous. I was like, why am I going to waste my time on this? Fella Epithad, I think. Dip it, not just fighting over the same thing for season one. I actually thought, I thought it was going to be the same thing too. Do you know that? I thought it was going to be like when they show the, what's that called the never before scene blah, blah, blah, or like, you know, Secret Reveals. Yeah, it's all shit we saw. So it was like, okay, but let me tell you something. Oh snap, I was sucking down the wine. Love it every minute of it last night. I don't know what's happening over there, but I can tell you this. That's my new favorite thing to say. I can tell you this. Kyle Richards has pissed somebody off. Kyle Richards has pissed somebody over there off because they basically grabbed her by a ponytail and swung her ass around and beat her on every wall that was around there and then just dropped her on the floor. It's like, dang. I know what happened there. Oh my god. Well, I don't remember how crazy the first season was. It really did get crazy. And that was one of the first housewives that got that dark. I mean, this show got really dark in the first season. I actually was like, you know what? Why weren't they showing the, first of all, the limo scene, all the other stuff? I can't believe that they didn't show that stuff. Like, why didn't they put, they showed it now. So why didn't they put it in in the very beginning? Well, back then it was, you couldn't just talk about alcoholism. I mean, that was the first time it was ever, they didn't even mention it by the end. When Andy was asking the questions, I don't even think he said, are you an alcoholic? Didn't he say something like, Kim, do you or do you not have a problem you'd like to discuss? Did he actually ever say, are you an alcoholic? I don't think in the reunion. No, because remember they were like, you can't say that. You can't, I think what happened was, this is my theory on this whole show. So I think that they got Kyle Richards as like the first person. And since she knew like famous people, they were relying on Kyle to drag her friends in on this, you know, never really before seen show and what the concept was involved a lot. Right, all true so far. You're, that's actually all correct. Right. And so they were kind of owing it to Kyle Richards, like, well, she's our person and we can't like, you know, piss her off or whatever. Cut to the popularity of the show. Now it's like every woman for himself, like, you know, they all want way more money and they're like, fuck you guys, you know, stop being greedy. I'm just gonna like totally get rid of you and we'll get somebody else. And I mean, it's, it's become like crazy. It has become like crazy though. And now they don't care. The more crazy shit you say, they're putting it out there. And that's exactly what they did last night. Yes, they sure did. And it was fascinating. Not only seeing the behind the scenes parts, but the producers talking about it because I've been obsessed with the show on Lifetime, um, about the behind the scenes of The Bachelor. What's that show called? Oh, yeah. Please tell me, you know what that's called. What is it called? I'm so dumb. Not behind the scenes, but it's the, um, Women Tell All. No, it's the, it's about The Bachelor. It's a drama. It's like a soap opera. Oh, um, I'm scripted. Yes. So good. I'm so dumb. I've seen every single episode. I don't remember. Oh, well, obviously it didn't really make an impact. Remember Chris Harrison called the show a piece of shit. Nobody watches it. Chris Harrison, like anybody listens to him. And that's the whole point. I mean, it's amazing. It's just all these stupid people. And then the producers manipulate and ruin everybody's lives. And so I love, you know, now I watch these differently because of that show. And they really are like that. They're terrible. I mean, at least on unscripted, they admit that, you know, they kind of killed someone. They didn't kill her, but they pushed someone into jumping, basically. And that's literally what happened on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. And the guys are the same. It was fascinating to see that mirror. The, uh. And that's me. I got to tell you, they did not show the production and, and how they really are. So to be fair, you're, I think they were kind of making us feel bad for the production. Like, oh, poor Doug Ross and poor, you know, whoever. Like they have to deal with so much drama from the housewives. When to be fair, you know, for a fact that they were like, you better get your, call your client right now until they get her ass in that limousine. She is on under contract and blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, yeah, they were chasing her down. Okay. So we're already at the end. So let's go back in time to the very beginning. So this started off with, of course, Andy, he's like, in 2010, women had different faces. You know, women had some starter faces. And then they show 2010. Okay. The way you said it made it sound like in 1987, there were rock stars. I'm like, no, it was five years ago. Okay. And these women have had so many different faces since then. They don't look the same at all, Katie. I think Kyle Richards looked better. The band so did Kim. Kim actually looked like Kim Richards back then. This is my plastic surgery. You should never do plastic surgery on your face. Oh, everybody you look better back then, right? Yeah. What you're saying, would you do stuff but not plastic surgery? You do. What do you do? You do like Botox and stuff? Is that too personal? No, it's not personal at all. I share everything because I think there's nothing wrong with that. So 10 years ago, I had my boobs done. It was the best decision I ever made in my life. Everything fits me now because I have a big butt. And so I needed it to be evened out. And I did it for me. I did it for nobody else but myself. I always wanted bigger boobs. I'm so happy. I have the best boobs I've ever seen. And I love it. Now, will I do things to my face? Absolutely not because I have a pretty mom. And I feel like I'm going to segue into that age appropriately. Now, can you prevent things from happening? Absolutely. A little bit of juba germ. Once a year, you do Botox. That is what I tell people my age. Once a year, you go get a little Botox in the forehead. Maybe a little bit on your chin. And there you go. Don't get all fucking crazy where you look like, um, what's her name? Sina, Adrienne, Taylor, Adrienne, Adrienne Maloof. That is, that is to me so frightening. She looks like a mannequin. Her face does not move. Yeah. And the first year, it was even crazier. And it's so shiny. Like, if you have good skin, that's one thing. But if you Botox it up, where you have too much Botox, what it does is it inhibits everything from moving. And you can't really sweat. Because the Botox, that's why people do it like in their feet. They're palms of their hands. And you get like sweaty butt crack, right? Oh my God. Sweat comes out of other places. So like your lip will start to sweat then. Or it's just, it's unnatural and it's a little weird. I'm not against it because I do it. But I think there's a way of overdoing it where it looks absolutely unnatural and actually scary. It looks scary. Don't sweat Botox. Shae, just get a little. Just get a little Botox. Just don't be a Botox out of it, God. You know, do what you want to do. You want to do a little bit of Juvederm? Perfect. You want to do a little bit with just everything in moderation. It's like eating. Do I have my cake and eat it too? Absolutely. Every night, it's called red wine in my gullet. But do I drink bottles of it? No. So I treat Botox like I treat wine. Just a little bit moderation. Yes. Reasonable priced, but still delicious and somewhat jiggly when it needs to be. Yes. You've got to have expression. Otherwise, people look at you like you're fucking crazy. You've got to have a little bounce to the boobies. You've got to have a little rank. If I'm mad at somebody, I don't want them to just hear a really loud gay voice come out of a box with a hole in it. Like, I want them to see my anger. I've worked on my anger lines. All right. I've earned my anger and my laugh lines. Yes. You've earned it. I mean, have you ever seen Cinderella's story with Hilary Duff and the mom is played by Jennifer? Gay Am I, Jesus. Oh my God. That's one of my favorite movies. And Hilary Duff is Cinderella and her mom is played by Jennifer. What's her name really funny from the whole group of Christopher Guest and-- Oh, um. Stepler's mom? Yes. Yes. Jennifer Coolidge. Yes. So she plays the mom and she's so Botox in the 9s and she's mad at her daughters. And she's like, I am so angry right now. But you can't tell. [LAUGHTER] And she's like, this is my angry face. And you can't see. I guess I have too much broke talk. That's how I feel about Adrian and Luke and most of the Alice wives. Well, they've gone crazy. The craziest one is Taylor. I don't know what's going on with that. But she looks like she went in. She went into Paul and she's like, listen, Paul. As the godfather of my baby-- Wait, I've never said I was a godfather. Yes, you did. And a party went. So anyway, I would love for you to turn me into Juliet Lewis. I'm like, what? Who is the model? What are you-- what are you going for? I don't know. But she's very got a Courtney Love-esque tone to her. And so when you've got to be careful when you're like sucked in a little bit and pale, that it doesn't come off as a little bit more skeleton looking than it does. Plump. Women look better with that. They do. I'm sorry to say this. I'm sorry for all the women that are like, you know, trying to achieve this super, super skinny frame. The only reason I'm lighter is because I'm only 5'1. And also, Nutra System. And I mean, you just said you were on 10 sports teams and you're on Nutra System. I know. I mean, what the hell, Katie? See, but I'm not striving to be skinny. I don't want to be skinny. I like having a fat jiggly butt. Well, you eat Nutra System. Who orders Nutra System to the house just because it tastes good? Nobody. It's like fucking microwave food. You put water in. Oh my god. You're like, it's because it's delicious. Have you ever had a Nutra Lada? It's like a Nutra Lada. What are you talking about? I love Nutra System. It's so good. The chicken, bacon, ranch pizza is fucking so good. And so is the vegetable lasagna. Yum. You're an addict, okay? You're a house. You're a diet food addict. You don't even know you're on a diet. And if I ever gave you a real fucking Nutra Lada, you'd sit on the floor. You'd be like, your body wouldn't even know what it is. I love Nutra System. Listen, everyone who's out there that wants to lose weight do the Nutra System with the fast five. I guarantee if you follow exactly what it says, you will lose five pounds in one week. I guarantee it. I don't even work for them. That's how much I love Nutra System. And I love their those craving crusher Nutra System energies. You just missed a huge opportunity. You could have gotten some diet food from China and just put kazorla on it. And just put a picture of your pretty little face. And be like, hey, get kazorla. No, people would be like, what the hell is this shit? Can you get for one thing? So good. Okay. Okay. So I'm sick of thin shaming you. Okay. So in 2010. The women had new faces. I've gotten into one line of notes. Okay. Now they've had seven each. Fraser left Camille. And there was a huge train and a limo. Okay. Everything on this show that's horrible and that ruins people's lives takes place in a limo. Everything. Because that's the thing. They're only allowed, they get cleared to film places. But then when shit starts to like erupt or their time expires, like they were, where were they there? They're the lemer Taj, right? I don't know. I mean, it was the Ramada for all I know. I don't know. It was lemer Taj. It was the one right there on Dohini and San Vicente. Because when they came out, they basically were like, get the fuck out of here. You cannot film in here. You guys are causing a scene. You're not cleared to film in the lobby. Because they have a lot of celebrities go there. And that's where they did that party where Kim loyal that should happen. And when she called her an alcoholic, all snap. Oh my God. Okay. We have to wait because that's the end. And that's when it gets really good. We've got three hours until we get to that point. Okay. Great. Okay. So we're seeing what we're going to get. Basically, some of the stuff was just, Adrian and Paul were miserable. Blah, blah, blah. Who cares? The fun stuff to me was Kim. Adrian was always mean to him. That's why plain and simple. At the end of the day, I'm sorry. But that was, it was not Paul at all. Paul just was like an abused little boy. I kind of felt like that too. It was like, just stopping me. It's kind of like anyone who dates Kristen. Where are you? What are you doing? What'd you do it like that? Because it made me feel bad when you did this and that. Oh, it's like Adrian, but with more money. And like a voice like this. Paul, where are you doing it like that? Who opens tuna like that? Oh, geez. Do I need to get a two to teach you how to open a tuna, Paul? It's like, geez, everything he does. I know what the one line, the one line he probably said, all year that could have been somewhat condescending was, well, you don't even know how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. As she's trying to cut the crust off of a pre-made sandwich that her chef made. I mean, I knew their chef, because I used to do all the parties up at her house, because I was treated just like a health. Oh, Bernie. So you literally had weekends at Bernie? Oh my God, which is one of my favorite movies of all time. But yeah, by the way, there's going to be an 80s marathon on VH1. I cannot even tell you how excited I am starting tomorrow at eight o'clock. Who cares with chef Bernie? Do you have to tell me? Was he always like, that bitch did not eat her quail. What a seaward. And also her husband's cheating on her. Was he like gossiping about everybody? No, but I think they had a falling out. I think they had a terrible falling out. Adrian and him? Yes. Oh, shit. Yes, the Bernie, her chef, used to be there all the time, and then I don't know if he went with Paul. Oh, because Bernie cost so much shit. I mean, Bernie was trash-talking Lisa and fighting all of Adrian's wars back then, do you remember? And he was like, Lisa's rude. And she criticized my food. There was like that big war with Vanderpump and Bernie. Oh my God, that's great. Okay, so wait, yeah, that's right. It was actually, what do you call it? Paul was suing Chef Bernie. He was the one that sued Bernie. Yeah, because Bernie was saying all this stuff, because remember they were trying to make it that Paul was abusing Adrian, because that's what happens when you break up with your boyfriend on the housewife show. It's like, Jesus Christ. I mean, it's so many times that you have to be like, wait a second. I mean, whenever anybody gets cancer or anything bad, I never believe anybody. And it's your fault, Bravo. Yeah, it becomes like weird. It was like during their whole like custody battle thing. And they were arguing about like where he should go to school and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And that he had like learning disabilities. And it was like this crazy thing. And then she brought in Chef Bernie to like basically like leak photos of a bruise or something she had on her wrist. And they said it was from Paul. But then I don't know. Yeah, they were trying to make it into a big thing that Paul's an abuser. I don't even know what happened with that. But I can't believe they didn't show Chef Bernie. But if you're saying that he broke up with Adrienne, then that makes sense because she's so much nicer. Like she's nicer to Lisa and stuff because she doesn't have a gun anymore. You know, I guess she put away her Chef gun or whatever. But Adrienne's thing in this was so funny because Adrienne is such an a-hole. She turned out to be such an a-hole. But in the first season, she didn't really do much, except being me and Paul. She was like, well, I have a hotel. And look, it's a basketball court. And look, it's my private plane. But she wouldn't get personal or talk about anything personal and true to form, even in this one. She goes, well, I remember that there was a time when we had a dinner and something was happening between Paul and I. And it was way deeper than anybody saw on camera. And they got done, done, done. She's like, yeah, so that's what it was. It's like, you never even said what it was. Hell, what's uncensored? You're still censored. I know, that's such bullshit. And then she didn't go member to the reunion. The last one, did she? Did she skip it? Yeah, I remember she skipped it. Oh my god, you see, I do forgive everything. I forget everything. Bravo forgives everything. By the way, I just have a Bravo. I have a Bravo exclusive. Did you know that Mike and Jessica from Shazaf Sunset call it quits? They're getting the most- Bravo exclusive. Girl, they was on TMZ like two days ago. Oh, I don't watch that. You need to check your, you need to call your post office and see when your emails are coming. Oh shit. And well, I got that thing unroll.me, which is the best app that ever happened in my life. And what it does is it automatically you swipe left to unsubscribe from all your emails. You swipe right to keep and you swipe up for roll up. And it takes all your junk mail or all the mail that you do want to keep and it puts it in once a day newsletter. So it's like Tinder for email. That's so nice because people are so addicted to just like swiping to get validation. Now we can just do it on every single app. Right, good, left, bad, right, good. Poor left-handed people must just feel like shit at all times. You mean Obama and my brother? Yes, they're like, no one ever considers us good. Swipe left. Thanks a lot. Oh yeah, everything that you swipe left is always like shit. Unsubscribe, unsubscribe, ugly, ugly, who would have sex with him. Yeah, I totally got it. Okay, so we got Adrienne out of the way. I don't need to talk about her much. She's boring. Yeah. So Kyle starts this as the stall of the, as the one who did kind of get everybody together. Yeah. It opens with Kyle. Well, first it opens with Kim. This shows so mean, okay. It opens with Kim at a party grabbing somebody's neck and going, making that noise and shaking the neck. I was like, that's the first shot of Kim. I was going, this is not nice. You should do voiceover work for Bravo in case they didn't get like the audio. They could just call you in. It sounds nothing like the real audio only when Kim's really drunk. They're like, we didn't get audio when she was slamming that elevator door. Can we get him in here? And I'll be like, Oh my God. Screaming underwater. I bet her breath just totally rakes. She just looks like the type of person who would have like just shitty, like old, that's why I called her cigarette butt. She could put the piece of gum in and you'd be like, Hey, where did you get cigarette flavored gum? Cigarette and like just old like crusty dog group that sticks to artificial grass that doesn't smell until you get it. It's not my breath. I just got a little of that in my hair. Stop it. Kyle, you're like him. Like college boy, beer breath, where you're like, Oh my God, it's unbrushed teeth. Like beer. That's what her breath smells like. I'm feeling defensive even though I love to make fun of Kim. Like it's even when she's going through her darkest hour. I still enjoy it. Good. I'm a little less than this called me, but I didn't open the letter. You know, like I love some cam talk, but this episode actually made me feel so bad by Kim. I fell for it. Did you really? I totally fell for it because okay, let me tell you what. It starts with Kyle. Kyle, I remember. You could never produce reality TV then. It shows. No, I couldn't. It shows Kim going, kept the Kyle. I just remember it got to the. What was it? I remember going to the family and getting called that Kim seemed off or something like that. I just remember getting the call that Kim seemed off. And then I was like, oh no. And she talks about it was the pressure of keeping the alcohol into wraps. And I just snapped. I just lost it. And you know what? After they showed this whole episode, no, you didn't just snap. You knew she was drunk. They showed the audition videos where Kim is like, Kyle always thinks I'm drunk. I'm like, she married a Mexican. And so she's like talking Mexican to him. And then if I talk Mexican, she goes, ah, she's drunk. Listen to her Mexican. Oh my God. When she said that, I wanted to cry. She's like, well, speak Mexican. I try to speak Mexican. They say I'm drunk. I'm like asking for tequila. She probably was like, tequila. I speak Mexican. I just love Mexican. I was like, she's drunk. She's asking for tequila again. But they showed her saying that at the beginning that she's obviously got this issue. Kyle always thinks she's drunk. She's always she took care. She took over her finances. Just was also on the audition when she's like, I'm having a Catholic scare. And she took over my finances or home. Okay, but don't you think that that's totally weird that like nobody? Okay, I didn't know about that. But now shit totally makes sense. Like totally makes sense. Well, we found all this information out over the years because, you know, you stole my house. Like we finally found out what that meant because Kyle had explained it on TV the next season. And then Kim's alcohol. All that stuff has eventually come out. But I've always thought, you know, she was trying to help her sister out by getting her some money because she was sick of supporting her. And then Kim just like went off the rails and all this blew up. But now it seems more like Kyle knew her ass was drunk. I think she still got her a job too. Because A, she was more famous than her. She was like a legit ex-movie child star or whatever. And also because Kyle was probably sick of giving her money because she even said in this episode, we're cutting you off. That's it. We told you, if you ever drink again, we're not giving you anything. And all the help we've been giving you is done. And it's done. I'm out of here and leaves. But, you know, when Kim was going through her drunken rage thing, Kyle kept chasing her and she would like make the camera cruise when she knows Kim is wasted at the finale. Why? I know it's almost like she wanted that. I think Kyle wanted that to happen. Not only wanted it, but made it happen. Like she was trying to get away from her and they wouldn't let Kim leave. Kim ran out of that fucking part. She started sobbing when Kyle did that on camera because she's like, Kyle just is totally out of me right now on TV and throwing me under the bus or whatever. And ran out crying. And then Kyle's like chasing her and the camera cruise chasing her. And she tries to go to the lobby and they chase her. She tries to go to the fucking bathroom and they they won't let this bitch leave. I know it's terrible. That was actually that was actually terrible. And it's like that was a real struggle. And I just I feel like I can't imagine my sister doing something like that to me. And especially a fucking national television. Like you got to you got to be like kind of a sociopath to let shit like that happen. It's just that's just so terrible. And I know they've got a super dark past with their childhood and their upbringing and everything's gone on. And like they've both gone through well Kim mostly but Kyle was there too. It's not like she didn't have to go through anything you know. And it's just so dark. I get so hard to even understand all the levels. And I go back and forth because usually I think Kyle's just an asshole. But I loved her so much in season one because I saw her as a Camille's an asshole. And anybody who tries to get that dramatic and make these stupid fights about nothing. Oh my god what about that nutjob psychic? Oh god that's like a whole that's a whole fucking segment. I love it. That was just that shit was unbelievably crazy. Like I was like what the fuck is going on? And even that was the producers because they said that they asked her to come on and she's like no I don't think that's for me. I'm not really in front of the camera type of person. Like I have no desire to do that. And then they're talking about the whole dinner party from hell scene and how it was so boring. And all the women like you know you have to drive to Malibu. That's not an easy drive. No. You know Beverly that's a good that's that's 45 minutes to an hour. Yeah depending on traffic and then we're probably going in the afternoon to shoot. You know because I got there the daytime. I remember that. I mean what is this like stupid detective or Justice Google. So Justice Google. Megan Justice. So uh dammit dammit Ronny dammit stay with it. Stay with me Ronny. You're right there. I'm staring at a feather now that's dangling from my fan and I'm like why is it doing that? What was I saying? You're saying oh my god you just looked at a feather dangling from your fan and you lost track about it's not an easy thing now. She has to ride back in the limo. She knows she's going to have a far way away. Yeah it was like a setup. Yeah well they all get wasted you know because they get there they set up. They're doing it. They're doing it. It's boring and the producers say okay I guess we should wrap up it's over. And then that one producer I think it was there were two that I really love. I love the women producers because one of them was the camera like the chief of the camera crew and one of them just looked like she was always so sorry. She was like I'm sorry. She always have a look on her face. Yeah that's how we use that producer which is like poor shit because I can't stand that when you know that they're just being screamed at by the main production. And it's like tough shit nobody cares blah blah blah blah. Yeah she's like I wanted to hug her but we couldn't because we were just there to document. It's like no you weren't there to document. You were literally pushing her in a little tiny cage. I know it's so funny by Kyle who was on every walkie-talkie in the hotel like where is she where is she where is she and then she gets an olemo and she's like what's going on like all gone gaslighting her so mean. Okay anyway worst shit and we'll get to that right after this. I'm just kidding. That's how Bravo does it coming up. I love that. But for now uh so anyway the thing from how so they get wasted and the the one who's always sorry and then the giant martini started affecting her and you I do remember how big those martinis were oh they were cartoon martinis. Okay those looked so fake they were giant. They were bigger than people's heads. They were bigger than Kyle's head and so you see that lady with her e-cigarette you know drinking her drink and I'll always love her because I loved medium. So I see her as Patricia Arquette saving people you know. And Patricia Arquette won uh Emmy for that. So good love that show. See you in every episode. Except the Molly Ringwald episode one day Molly one day. Well you can watch her all day on Thanksgiving on VH1 so. Know that. I know how your husband's gonna die and what's gonna happen to all your children. Oh my god go back up is that. That was so okay and Camille just sat there she didn't even defend her friend. Camille like everyone thought she was my wingman and she's not my wingman. I wasn't trying to fuck anybody there. I mean she was my wingman if you mean. Yeah she was gonna yell at anybody if they were mean to me. See I'm like oh my god I might be that woman then. That's who my character is gonna be that. I'm gonna be that woman who just tells people that their families and children are gonna die. I mean what the hell. Who even invites someone like that to a party. Oh Camille. Yeah. Camille's like they're mean. Well Camille was always surrounded by people who told her how awesome she was because she's richer than god you know because she had Frazier money. So her friends are all employees and she's told she's amazing. Like Camille was actually shocked that she's an asshole. Like when she found out that she's an asshole she couldn't believe it. I mean she's still shocked five years later. She's what Mandy was like. I pulled her aside in an office party and I said. Camille, amazing season for us. Terrible season for you and so you know I'd suggest maybe just being patient because in the end it all works out. I'm writing your life and in the end we'll let it work out for you. But for now you're a bitch. Oh my god that was unbelievable and she didn't she ended up not doing the second season right. She did yes I think Andy was like look I owe you big. Come back for season two don't ever say a thing and just look pretty. She's like okay I'll do it. And then everybody in season two was like she's amazing. Because she would just basically show up and be like hi I'm here to support you in your venture. Oh my god that's that was bullshit that's why she got fired on it. Do you know that? Well she's making it sound like I mean I love that they make her sound like you know Kate Upton. Like we can't believe we got the wife of a sitcom star from the 90s. Don't don't don't. It's like wow a huge get guys. I know that's not a huge get. Lisa Rinna has more credibility than stupid Camille Grammar. She's also protected in case she shits her pants. Oh yeah that's right because of her depends. Oh Camille did old IBS jokes. I'll never get sick of them telling. Wait so what was the big secret? Do we even know what was the thing Harry Hamlin did? Oh are you reading Bravo don't go to that website. They're the worst. I'm not reading it I'm not reading anything that's why I'm asking you. Bravo I read that headline on Bravo and I'm dumb. I clicked it and it was like Lisa's secret of what Harry Hamlin did. He did something that won me the award for most juicy storyline of 2015. Thanks honey. Or something I don't know what I don't know it was like basically a tweet of Lisa Rinna's thanking her husband because she won a juicy storyline award or something from Bravo's office pool. I don't know don't go to that site it'll hurt your face. That's such poor shit. Clickbait darling you fell for it. Oh I didn't click it that's why I asked. No I fell for it that's why I'm so angry about it. Yeah well because then you're the dumb dumb meggy. You're the Megan of the group. That's right I'm projecting. How dare you call me stupid. I'm not stupid. Yes I'm thin. Yes I'm gorgeous. Yes I talk weird but I'm all about justice. Wait you think she's gorgeous? She's a model. Wasn't she a model or something? Wasn't she like a model pharmaceutical rep? Oh my god I think she was just a pharmaceutical rep. I don't know what I mean. Anybody who's saying I think it's hot I mean. That's a made up thing that they do like on the bachelorette where they're like retail sales. Hospitality management. It's like you're a waitress trying to be an actress in Hollywood but they can't say you're an actress. Like you sold you delivered weed at the backseat of some guy's car that you were dating. That is not a pharmaceutical rep. That's a weed dealer Megan. Justice. We're called Justice Smokes. You know why she has such a deep voice? Because she has Adam's apple in a really long neck. So that's why she's always like whoa what you guys I could be a mom. That's why I'm just letting you know. I couldn't pregnant myself okay. Just letting you know. I'm going to call my weed store hashtag hash. Oh my god that's such a good name. Hashtag hash. What a good idea. Okay do it steal it. All right producer blah blah blah. Okay so then we get a lot more from the producers about how sad they are. It's like we wanted to do another real housewives and we thought maybe Beverly Hills but how different could it possibly be. It was so difficult finding these women. Well it was not you called Kyle and she called people and Kyle's like I remember going to a party and I walked in and there's Camille Grammar on a pole and I thought she'd be good. It's like oh shit. Kyle discovered Camille literally dangling from a pole at a party. It was like I'm going to yell at her on TV. Booker. Oh my god isn't that crazy that's crazy right. I think Camille Grammar is one of those people that like is in those secret sex clubs around LA. That aren't secret but you just have to be a certain you have to have a certain amount of wealth to know about it. Only rich people know. Oh I know about it but I'm not I'm not part of it. A friend of mine is she goes to um. Oh you see I tricked you into it. Now I know real things. What's her name? I know her is her name Julia. No I can't say but my name is Andrew Bullock. No but she's part of these secret sex clubs and what they do is they meet at either clubs or people's homes and like each room you can walk into the room and like you can tell a girl can tell a guy no like you know or I'm not interested but guys but but the man can't say no to the girl. Oh okay. Isn't that weird? So it's like you could technically get raped if you went but I can't. Well what kind of fetish is that like what's that called? There's so many different fetishes I can't even keep up anymore. I don't know but here's the other thing so um you can email back and forth with the people there and find out who's going and it shows what they're into. So like food like eating food off of you two guys on one girl um it's like fantasies what's your fantasies and they'll set up different rooms to bring the people that are all having the same fantasy together. Oh well that's nice it's like fantasy matching what are your dreams? But get this so the girls only have to pay $99 for the whole year to belong but the guys have to pay like like 10 grand or something. Oh yeah girls don't need to pay for that. It's like Ashley Madison when they when anonymous did their leak it was I think there were 10 women on the whole side it was just dudes because dudes are willing to pay for that. Well what a woman doesn't need to pay for a dick get out of here. Oh my god what's her name's husband was on there. Josh I'm Real Housewives of New York. Yes. Kristen's husband oh my god I know. Dick is free y'all dick is free. Okay so um Secret Sex Club yes I was going to go into something else and I won't. Well we were talking about Camille and how she probably belongs to one. Well that was going to lead me into a Vanderpump rules thing but I'm going to give it up to save it. Okay so Andy all about Lisa so Lisa's stuff was so funny to me. Lisa came on the show who knew her I forget Kyle Adrian someone knew her. Oh um I believe it was Adrienne Maloof because it was her next door neighbor. Oh yeah okay. And she also brought on who else did she bring on? But Kyle brought on Taylor which is weird huh? Kyle's the one who got Adrienne Maloof and Adrienne then said to her neighbor Lisa hey you should try out for the show. Oh okay so she got Lisa in Taylor okay. So they get Lisa and of course she's Lisa and even back then even more ridiculous because now she's so gracefully ridiculous. Yeah and at this time she was like I want my name to be Pinky. I know Pinky Vanderpump. And they're like uh it sounds like a porn star name. And remember she's like what's wrong with that? It's wrong with a porn star. They have jobs. I'm all about industry telling. Pinky Vanderpump. How did you feel when um when they said when she's like I've only had sex you know with my husband Bubba Blanche goes maybe. Oh because she starts that that's Lisa's thing when she's like I'm making a sex joke. Oh I haven't had sex with my mother. Oh I've had sex with them right now. All right not in 20 years. I don't know if I had sex with other people. Sex vagina vagina still working darling. Yeah I think that that vagina is not still working number one. I think I think she's wrapped in eternal spanks. And to be fair I think that she probably plowed the best friend of Ken. Who's the best friend of Ken? The other dude that's always there. Um fart and Martin? Martin yes. Oh fart and Martin she did not plow Martin. I bet she did. I bet she fucked around with him when she was drunk. Oh she'd have to be really drunk because if she was drunk then that must mean he was falling on the floor because Martin drank. Martin drank. That night would have been like don't get off me. I don't know if you're saying that's romantic or it can get on. All right get off now done with you. Clear him. Clear Martin darling. Fuck Martin Martin. Wait Martin hooked up with Kim Richards right. Uh they tried. They tried to hook him up with her. And poor thing you know Lisa's like I know someone who drinks too much darling. And he's also very lonely. I'll bring him to dinner. That's so nice. He hooked up with Brandy too. Uh I don't think they hooked up. I think he sat next to her one night. Martin seems so nice. He's like that that guy who's like always around but he never really has much to say that friend of a friend or whatever. He seems very nice but you know if you leave your drink on the table he's going to drink it while you're peeing. Oh he will fucking take a-- not even a sip. He'll make it known like I had a sip of your drink and you look like half of it's gone. Yeah. Like that was more than a sip. Oh Martin. So how did we get on Martin? Lisa. Oh you want to talk about crazy sex parties. They're all connected through Muhammad right? Yeah. Muhammad Hadid who said Brandy has a smelly pussy. No. Joanna Crouper with a Crouper. Right. And Brandy repeated it. Oh my god. Okay listen I'm sorry but I totally believe that. I believe that Joanna at some point or another hooked up with with Muhammad because she's only with rich dudes. She's Eastern European. She's like a mail order bride so but she has a new show. I know that the other rumor was always that she that was the rumor is that they were saying she was a call girl or something wasn't it or a stripper. And she was in a sport like a high-end escort. Yeah she's like so I went to places with people so I guess that makes me an escort because sometimes I'll leave my house and I'll say do you want to come with me and then other people come with me so okay they escorted me so they're an escort too. Okay so we're all at all escorts is against the law. I was like wow way to uh way to twist that y'all magic word master. My friends came with me on his private jet and it's like yeah but you were paid. You're paid to go. I've never been paid to go anywhere because anything I have to pay for it. Lala, don't be mean to lala darling. Maybe I should be in a sport. It's a part-time job. Sir Joanna Krupa's smelly possible alleged Vijayjay aside. What else what else did we do here? Camera operator drama. Yeah the camera operator drama was so good. I think the stuff with um with Taylor and that was just kind of these kind of skimmed over it. Like I don't think they showed enough of it. With Taylor and who? With just Taylor in general. I thought it was going to be like behind the scenes you know of you know what happened and they didn't show anything. They just basically made it about Kim and Kim and Kyle. It is interesting to me that I mean I didn't think Taylor was that fascinating until of course all the drama happened which I still don't know how much she can talk about because there were like actual lawsuits and stuff against them so they were accused of a lot of stuff that I don't I think once you open that it gets deeper so maybe that's why but I also find it curious that Taylor's an obvious lush I mean she's been so drunk on this show that she's falling down multiple times and when they show her on TMZ she's been on TMZ a couple of times where she's falling down and just making an ass out of herself and their stories of her just acting like a drunk ass in public and crying and screaming at the W. She was really she was drinking chardonnay or Pinot Grigio one or the other. It's a white wine at night and she was she was drinking at a drink white wine at night. Well it's like a daytime like you know brunch or with like cheese or whatever. Red wine is more of a hearty nighttime you know oh my god I come from trash I cannot wait to record this and send it home and ruin everyone's Thanksgiving. Well you're not so I mean white wine at night like give me a break it's like a warm weather poolside type cocktail or when you're watching the horses you have like champagne or white wine you don't drink red wine just blatantly during the day that's for white wine sport know your wines I mean god if you're going to be a housewives fan you got to know when to drink your white wine. You don't even have to know any real wine knowledge like you don't have to have any real wine knowledge you just have to know what color to drink at what time it's 5 p.m. Get out the pink or look poor. Yeah it's always someone's sangria or their fabulini or all this like bullshit sugary garbage crap that they put in and it doesn't even make it to like big lots before it gets pulled from the shelves. Big lots it's like sorry uh we have some magnets that stick on the side of the bathtub for people to hold washcloth and they're taking up too much space so. Sorry we can't give you an end cap space for this because we have the scrub daddy coming in from Shark Tank like daddy. I think seriously it's like anything that the housewives sell is crazy you know e-vine used to be shop NBC and I did my launch on there and we did you know fairly okay I'll tell you this the audience that watches e-vine or shop NBC or shop HQ whatever the hell their name is now they are people that love ceramic cats so that's not really the target audience for like glamorous nail products or did you watch Heather Dubrow and Terry's launch for Consult Butte. I only watched the edited sovers and I didn't watch the whole actual thing did you? Oh my god Heather Dubrow I mean it is so it's difficult to watch her because it's so rehearsed and it's so forced down your throat that you're like you get plastic surgery you're a terrible candidate to try to sell me products that you are trying to convince us that you don't need surgery it gives you the same results why don't you pick fucking Sally from East Bumblefuck Indiana who has a collection of ceramic cats bring her on have her use the product and let's see her before and afters and then in only then will I be like that shit is unbelievable no one would buy that well I mean if it worked but I don't think it works because she's like this is my wheelhouse you know going on TV talking to people looking straight in the eye through the camera because it's my art it's my craft I was telling Terry how to get in his own how to find his inner moment oh it's like Terry just be within yourself and feel other emotions exuding out of you through other people filtered through it I'm like please shut up you were on like two sitcoms she has the voice of your right stuff voice that you just did reminds me of like 80s cartoon villains from like vultran or thunder caps like she's like she's mom raw and she opens her eyes really big when she talks and she says everything like you're really stupid and can't understand her but I mean did she she even go to college I mean not like you have to go to college would be smart but like does she have higher education besides acting classes that would give her that authoritative like I'm better than I've spent time on the chairs because I know art and what I study is people I go out and I look inside people I'm always watching because people are doing things and being things and I think what would it be like to only make $20,000 a year you know what I mean let it marinate within you like shut up over there Heather so yeah when she's on when she finally takes over after talking like she's been on the actor studio for the past 20 years every guest has been Heather um then she goes on this thing and she's like look at our product it is in a bottle that you press down the top and stuff comes out of it taken away Terry oh god it was it's to me it was brutal I mean most of the people I was on that show when Gretchen Christine tried to do her Gretchen Christine handbags and I think she literally sold like three so it's just enough here's the thing enough talking you're just junky shit you know if Bravo was smart they would do a Bravo show called buying housewives and like and it would be a show where it's like everyone who has shit oh my god listen to this you're gonna look I'm only stopping you okay because we just talked about this in the episode that's airing after this I talk about it with Angie because we go through all of their well not all of their products but we talk about their products and go through their instagrams and we spend a good half an hour on Gretchen's instagram selling stuff because she goes she'll be like oh you need this morning is a smile to the sky and remember the happiness is in your soul with nail polish everything's like a meme that leads into a nail polish thing so I'm only stopping for that because I was saying in that um they need to have like a home shopping network that's just housewives like the as seen on TV aisle in the bright aid you know just all housewives crap that's what I'm saying that's like shirt tank like but Katie you know what you're gonna be that now I mean your stuff isn't crap you actually like go formulate all of your products and stuff like that but I've done that but you're gonna be hawking your products girl I mean your first episode is gonna be like wow this you know I'm actually trying to avoid doing that with I don't want the nail stuff to be so involved in this show I mean granted the painted nails next door to high society but I would rather I would rather be more about the opening of the restaurant you know what's going on in the W all of that well multiple seasons you know I'm not saying it's a bad thing I'm just saying like you know what you hate so just don't bash it over the head like these dumb dums do it oh my god okay it would be like me okay here's why I think it's bullshit if I came out with a cookbook then there'd be a real issue because number one all I can do is microwave neutral system so I feel like that would be something that rings to me what the housewives do they come out with a makeup one yes yes yes yes none of these bitches have any background in that they never I went to fucking nail school like I go to the lab and formulate my products it takes me months and years and research and trade shows and running storefronts I don't just get on a show and go I don't have a cookbook in my own real life like it's fucking crazy well Lisa does probably drink all that shit I mean I think that it's valid with her at least because she does know what she's doing because she drinks also she has bars and Bethany really likes diet things I mean bitches skinny so I'll listen to her too because she's like I'll make everything but skinnier and I'm like I believe you I believe that you'll do that for me but I bought her peanut butter chocolate bars when I was at Marshall's because I was starving looking through the stale rack and I had one of her peanut butter bars it was pretty good but I will say this it's I don't know I don't know if I trust Bethany because she really is like crazy skinny and I don't believe she eats her own food I think she has like those fresh life delivery things I swear to god I know there's something too weird and hockey about her shit where it's hard for me to believe it yeah we were going over her thanks giving pictures because auntie didn't like the fact that she posts food she's like she doesn't eat and there's never anything gone from the plate it's always a full plate of food like there's no way she eats she's so I mean she really is and on TV when she's in a bikini she looks so skinny so that means in real life she probably looks about 10 to 15 pounds less than what she does on television oh yeah there's a there's a picture of her on instagram holding two skinny girl bottles and they're bigger than her I mean holding two she looks you know they're dwarfing her it looks like Alice in Wonderland are like when Lily Tomlin was in the incredible shrinking woman and they were like just make big furniture oh my god Lily Tomlin you know she's my neighbor yeah you even here why are you not next door saying hi Lily Tomlin can you be lying from big business I love her she's my neighbor she lives in a house that looks like a castle I'm obsessed well come over you can walk we can pretend walk my dogs I'm just gonna go scare every single neighbor you have you can just point out everybody famous and I'll be like hey do you guys want to watch Lily Tomlin do you live from big business I'll be Beth Midler let's go over and knock on her door it'll be like Christmas caroling but terrible I think oh my god well trick or treating you could have done it because our whole place our whole neighborhood opens up to that and there's Joe Walsh from the Eagles is our neighbor but you have to do it Christmas because that's when people have to like sit there and watch you knock on the door like I don't really believe that much in Christmas but I do like Lily Tomlin so watch her do some lines what's that great that wouldn't be totally creepy at all because when I just I showed up and I was like I totally loved the incredible shrinking woman just one line she'd be like security it's like raw wasn't Ross in both nine to five and the incredible shrinking woman or am I getting my villains confused no you're right and then same with them what was the other one she was then um fuck what's the other one oh Ross was a good evil woman man the new the new show she's on oh Lily Tomlin yeah um yeah that Netflix thing with Jane Fonda yeah people seem to like that I don't know about that okay anyway Rojas was the Beverly Hills god damn it what what are we 55 minutes oh my god okay so Camille maybe I was paranoid okay so Camille's transition in this show is very funny because and you know everybody basically told her in the first she was the most hated housewives ever and um so everybody was like shaming her because she was an asshole oh my god they showed her sitting in the hot tub with her poor friend employee Dee Dee oh yeah Dee Dee have a Jesus complex and like you know like I've a god what'd you say god has really blessed me and she's sitting there in a bikini with e-sized boobs floating in her face yeah and Dee Dee just looks down at her her own boobs and it was caught in this beautiful shot it's like Camille on a hot tub with five thousand dollars sunglasses on and these giant paid Ford boobs god really loves me you know he's giving me so much and then Dee Dee looks down at her own chest like I wish god would give me something editors I love you I've always loved you you know what that was some that was some stellar editing and you know what she fucking deserved that she deserved that she came off as like I'm better than everybody else I have more than everybody else I have no cottage cheese she would purposely pinch her butt cheeks together on purpose oh her opening scene of Beverly Hills which I wish it's shown the opening the original opening but the original though I think her first scene was her in her dance studio practicing your dance because I'm a dancer oh god so she's like doing her kind of stripper dancing in this empty you know her home studio and then she comes to her being like I'm a man's kind of a girl I'm not really a girl's girl and whenever those girls whenever a girl says that I'm like oh oh oh god you know it's just gonna be trouble other girls hate me because I'm so hot it's like that kind of girl I mean Camille really was unbearable in that first season and she was kind of having an affair with her tennis coach like there was something weird there there was all this weird stuff so her whole Kelsey how they put it that Kelsey got her the job so that he could leave her because he was already having an affair that was that was a little weird and it was totally bullshit and made up and you know it like that was heard that before but I didn't know that that was coming from her because I remember that being in the news like he did that just to give her something to do while he was off screwing around but didn't he meet her and then move right in with her I thought he met her on the plane while he was flying to and from New York rehearsing for the show oh god I I don't even they didn't say but he's married to her and has a daughter with her now right uh I don't yeah I think so I don't I don't keep up with Frazier I mean Jesus Christ my life's not that sad what if I had a google news alert for Kelsey grammar does anyone he could be playing a thug in the 70s and he'd be like hello sir I'm here to knock your school inwards he's got like old English yeah he's not he's isn't he from like date in Ohio or something originally right he's like from like do you know how or something that's amazing I didn't know that and I love it she still lives in that house she got the house in the divorce oh hell yeah and you know she got some like property tax money too they probably have a whole settlement just to pay the property taxes on that fucker could you imagine owning a mountain in Malibu what the hell man a mountain in Malibu not to mention that she also has though she got the Hawaii house yes wait oh yeah she got the Hawaii house but then they had to mourn the Colorado house I love this show I love Beverly Hills I've always felt bad why because you love the show don't you love it I mean marginally here's the thing I just wish they would put someone younger on there I think that's what they were trying to do oh no fuck those bitches I like I like like Angie says right after us I I don't like the kids I like their mama that's all I feel sometimes oh yeah that's totally true are you kidding me I mean look at Van what's his name pump kid I like both of them because you you're not it's funny how people don't really change I mean they're different ages and they're they're vernacular is different but otherwise they're still doing all the same shit it's like were you cheating on me uh it's like the same story lens on all the shows no matter how old they are you know yeah I know I think that's really like for me I get it I totally totally get it I just love that it's so like rich people and their homes were legit so big these people were all legit so rich that they were shocked that they were even fighting with each other like they were really shocked Camille had no idea when everybody told her she was an asshole she was like well it was really hard I didn't I'm being persecuted like Jesus or whatever whatever she is saying I know when I heard that I was like I'm gross I'm like literally to the point where I'm like this is ridiculous she doesn't know that she's a complete asshole that's the whole point I don't think any of these women really do no I think you have to have a certain level of narcissism to just do it and be that raw emotionally you know I guess I get Twitter I would think hardens you up because people really tell them off on Twitter they're like you're an idiot you're a slag you're hope you're a terrible mother and I think eventually they're just like my haters you know you get that attitude of like some love you some hate yes long as they're buying my nail polish who cares oh my god they don't they don't that's the whole point it's in at Los Angeles especially I mean I don't know how real house is of the Potomac is gonna do but I think you're gonna watch that um of course I'm on a bravo podcast oh yeah that's right the housewives are a must like we'll skip other shows but we do all the housewives for sure also yeah it is that it's kind of LA and just the entertainment industry because when I was growing up it was like real estate and I mean I guess there was like some bank guys or whatever and it was the same thing it was everybody hawking their shit my mom had a company with her friends where they sold vases and they were like oh we're working so hard getting these vases shipped to us you know my mom would have been one of those housewives like I'm working really hard with my base company and you're like oh geez so they do it in other places it's just different products oh yeah you're right you're right somebody oh yeah you're so smart oh my god totally aren't I let's talk more about the real housewives I'm just kidding so what else happened on here the biggest thing to me was the drunken the drunken revelations were not a revelation but the fact that Kyle basically kicked her in the head numerous times on TV let's just jump to the limo is there anything else you wanted to talk about no because I really honestly feel like I was watching it to see things that I thought we're gonna be like amazing and I was a little bored and then when I got to the end I was like oh shit it made me love the ones I love more and hate the ones I hate more like Kyle has been hateable to me for most of the time and most of it was about the Kim addiction which look Kim's a grown-ass woman like you don't get to blame other people for your problems when you're a grown-ass or she's an addict and she needs to own that on her own time but there's a lot of dynamics in family with addicts and etc and Kyle using it like that and then embarrassing her on TV on purpose really killed me you know what I just yeah I thought that was like crazy and then when Andy's like oh well that's set the tone for the rest of the show Andy was so gleeful oh he was like cheering he was doing naked fucking car wheels in his living room letting his this basset hound lick his balls at least true pal pretended to be sad he's like yes we chased yes we followed Kim but it was only because we wanted to tell her that we respect her privacy and we wanted to hug her through this very difficult time he was like motioning 20 people to get in Kim's face while she's drunk in a limo where she's trapped after running oh my god I know and literally she would not come out of a closet that was like the funniest part that's so mean but I mean at the end of the day look I'm sorry you put yourself on a show like that when shit's gonna happen that's what happens and you know her sister shouldn't have been an asshole and called her out plain and simple well the whole thing well it didn't start with this but in Kyle's story the whole thing started because she was having those issues with Camille which all happened off camera because Taylor told her bullshit in the bathroom and got Camille all riled up to go attack Kyle which is pretty interesting that that's never talked about like Taylor went out of her way to get Camille alone lock the bathroom door and tell her shit thinking it's off camera that she's gonna go yell at Kyle about and then acting like what I didn't even know what was going on and then Kyle says Kim was there she heard everything and Kim's like I'm nervous you don't want to make a mirror. Y'all because she thought Kim was gonna stand up for her and Kim was so fucking drunk that she's like I don't remember what we're talking about. Yeah what will I mow wake up for me yo who is driving not Charlie I hope he's on the tin. Oh my god wait can you please call Kim in to do the podcast. Seriously can you call her because she would be so fine like she would never stay on target she would get lost all the time you guys would end up talking about like if life could exist on Mars. Well I don't know if anybody could live on a chocolate bar but I'm willing to give it a try looking for a new place. She's like can you smoke cigarettes in space where does the smoke out of my lungs? Well it's like faster smoke for me. Kyle I thought we were friends. Kyle I mean uh Ken passes by... Dream being Mars Ken come home and you're done room being Mars telling. Oh my gosh they should give them one of those things that all those like little hip kids are riding around on those little the hoverboards. Yeah those hoverboard things Ken should have one of those. I love that we're just sick of waiting for the future in this country. We're like yeah no one's gonna ever make a hoverboard just make a little electric skateboard thing and call it a hoverboard. The future is now! It's like no no it's not. No but he should have one of those. You have to have so much balance. But he is a fake hip. It's like a robo hip. He'll be totally fine. No he needs a segue kind where he can hold on to something. They can just like strap him to it with a bungee cord and each way he leans it'll just move that way. You know that's what he needs. I don't think he could make it on the hoverboard. He needs an old fashioned segue. Oh my god no remember the guy like went off a cliff on a segue and died. They'd be like Ken's nodding off all right everybody close the doors before he rolls into the street again tellings. Oh my god it's so terrible robo hip. That should be his new hashtag. His segue hip. I think darling lean towards me I need you to hand me the remote control timing. He got that done right? With a robo hip. I don't know girl even I have to draw the line at some gossip I'll follow. No he got it done. He got like a stepped on or something. I'm going to put a google alert on Ken. Ken's hip. Robo hip. Ken Todd's hip. If any news comes in about Ken Todd's hip. I'm totally calling you while you're shooting. I'm going to be like cat ass. It's mad. You're dead friend. Girl. But only if you say it like that. Oh yeah I'll totally be your horrible reality show gay person. Oh my wait I have a lot of those actually. Um really okay let's see how that works out for you. Oh my god I'll just stop it. Who's my number one. Who do I always call when I have news and updates and fun shit. How many people do you tell that to? Or anybody she said that to in the comments. You better tell me. No it's true. My Katie. Katie I love ya. Oh my god thank you so much. I love this podcast. It really is my favorite. It is so much fun to talk to you. I've so far I've talked to you, Angie, Julia, um who else. I'm about to talk to Nadine and Kate from Below Deck. I'm having the best talk fest of my wife. See I think this is so fun to cheat on but it really is and we've already been running so long on our shows but yeah this week's gonna be like eight hours I think of shows and they're so fun and thank you so much for telling us about all your shit. Congratulations on your new show. Oh my god thank you so much and don't forget you guys after Thanksgiving is set your scales back at least 10 hours. Stop talking about scales set it back 10 pounds. Nutri-system telling. Nutri-system. Because Nutra-Kazola. Kazola system. I swear to god like I'm ready to be the next spokesperson for Nutri-system because I really swear by it. I love it. I'm gonna I'm gonna send before and afters. I'm not afraid to show my fat to the world because I want people to know that it works. No you have to get it before first though. I did take it before it's hideous. You did? How many pounds ago was that? Get out of here with your before. No it's awful. I weighed 136 pounds and now I'm down to 122. Have a weight 136 and so I was in like kindergarten. Okay but are you five foot one and a woman? No. Well there you go. I'm five foot one. When were you five foot one? Fourth grade? Well to be fair I've always been a woman. That should take off some weight. Oh my god what would your woman name be if you transition? Rhonda. My mother's name is Rhonda and my name is Ronda. I mean come on. How gay is that? And my grandfather's name is Ronda as well. So it's Ronda, Ronda and Ronda. When my mima gets mad it's quite a thing. Ronda. I mean Rhonda. I mean Rhonda. No other Rhonda. Rhonda. Come on guys. So your transition would be fairly easy. I would be Rhonda yeah. No it would be really good. You could be Rhonda and it wouldn't even have to be like a big deal. Like a lot of people already call me Rhonda. That would totally be my name. Rhonda and that would be like my mean bitchy one and then um and I say that with respect by the way. So you could just stay Ronnie and it would be totally fine. Yes and then when I'm gonna be nice to people I would be Ron. So I'm either Rhonda or Ronnie. Just take off the L. Get rid of the L. Oh my god. You know I'm gonna start hashtagging you that. I think it's the way to go. Hashtag Rhonda. Yeah just Rhonda. That's how to get some attention. I'll just make everybody wonder they'll be like wait a second. Yeah do it. Is that man becoming a woman or is that woman becoming a man? What's going on? Can you just actually put um as the title of this podcast what it's like to transition and then maybe you'll get like so many hits on it and then people will be super disappointed because it'll be like oh learn how to lose weight like a Kardashian and then you click on it and then nothing happens. Yes we should just start using popular titles from the news. We'll see whatever is trending on Twitter and just make that the title. Yeah I think that's the way to do it. We'll be like yes all women. Remember I don't even know what's trending. I haven't even looked at a hashtag telling. I think that's the way to do it. Uh what's trending right now? Okay I'll just tell you really quick. Just tell me the first story on Facebook that's trending or Twitter. Okay first one on Twitter is here we go news um buzzfeed no that's not it moments. Oh here we go. It's pets of the week y'all seriously delivered on fat pets and then Cam Newton versus Tom Brady. The wait delivered on fat pets. Yeah and then Thanksgiving with black families. Okay let's what was the first one. We said we'd do the first one. What was that? Okay it was y'all seriously delivered on fat pets front. Okay I'm just gonna call it y'all seriously fat pets. So it's with Katie Kozorla. Y'all seriously with fat pets and then on Facebook the first thing that comes up in my newsfeed is I'll tell you right now is um pull East Los Angeles police seek homeless man suspected of killing his girlfriend with a hammer. Well we couldn't because these these titles are all too long. We can only take a couple words. So maybe you should just put um killing girl friend with hammer. Just just do that and see if you get hit. Oh not after uh real housewives of Beverly Hills episode. Good lore too dark. Oh yeah light it up. All right well Katie Asher-Lervs he has happy holidays come back for some Beverly Hills. Oh my god thank you so much this is so good. We love ya Katie hugs. Oh my god happy Thanksgiving y'all. Guys there's information that you come across on the internet and then there's information that you need to know. I need to know if the bell is feeling okay today. Who's hurt her feelings? Who has broken up with the bell? Thankfully I don't have to go to the grocery store and search and search for Adele's happiness index darling. I have texture on me op-ed and also on me our phone and I'll love it and guess what there's a beetle right now on People magazine which beetle loves Adele. Whoever the beetle is please don't break up with Adele. Please she needs to be a little bit happier. I need a happier Adele all right people make it happen. For those of us who want premium content and don't have time to waste finding it there's texture the best way to read all your favorite magazines anytime anywhere. Texture is the app that gives you an all-access pass to the world's best magazines right on your phone or tablet. 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The best part texture is offering our listeners a free trial right now when you go to texture.com/crapins think about that you'll gain unrestricted access to the world's best magazines from back issues to the one on newsstands right now try texture for free now go to texture.com/crapins the texture app is the easiest way to remain culturally curious with top stories and new and noteworthy sections updated throughout the day that's daily plus you can share your subscription with the entire family you can download articles and whole issues for offline reading ok texture.com/crapins hey stranger hey straight literally this time i'm on my first date with Ms. Julia Cunningham from SiriusXM entertainment weekly radio hey Julia oh my gosh thank you for having me oh thank you so much for showing up you never know on a first date i know and i was gonna stand you up too but i just thought what would a sir bartender do they've come in and they would bang you so here i am i'm totally getting a banging my water is never going to be refilled oh no no i'll upsell you to bottled water though so you work for and you work and it'll be in a weirdly shaped bottle that Lisa sells pump water literally used to get water from a pump i invented that with penny so penny water pump it's gonna be sold in all of Australia so let's let's have some real date talk before we get into vander poop drools how did you end up over at entertainment weekly i always wonder are you like super talented and then they like come scout you oh i wish it was that i mean i i've worked for Sirius for for many years now um in all sort of capacities like as a producer as a manager all things i started hosting a music show and i thought god doing this is so much more fun than doing spreadsheets and time sheets i want to do this all the time and it was just when i was ready for a change that entertainment weekly was launching their own channel and so i applied to the company website like totally submitted a resume and then demoed for a few months and and was lucky enough uh to be selected by entertainment weekly and Sirius XM to host the afternoon show holy crap that's awesome and you guys that's a full on three hour show right yeah we're live weekdays for three hours at a three p.m. eastern we just talk movies and music and and we have john hill on each week who is a supervising producer watch what happens live so we get our bravo fill in on thursday's with john hill oh sweet how deep do you go what does he tell you is he like gaga was a bitch or yeah i mean like within reason i think you know what i mean he'll usually tell us like what they like drink wise or you know like when um amber rose you know um andy hill or excuse me andy coen said that um you know that was probably the worst guess they ever had watch what happens live and he said it was odd like she was backstage being lovely like was being super personal saying hi to everybody and then as soon as those cameras turn on it was like she was over it oh my god it's always the girl in like a foot tall stiletto hills and like mountain mountains of plastic boobs on her chest that she can't carry and a gigantic blown up face like organizing protests that's the shy one yeah and then she like didn't want to talk about it it's like what what yeah so how could she not want to talk about it i don't get it that's what you had like the slut walk without her right yeah yeah is that what it was called the slut walk it's called the slut walk and i think his question was who who turned you down and i think she was like offended by it like who wouldn't be in the slut walk yeah like who didn't want to be in the slut walk she's like i don't want to talk about mon sluts right now yeah let's only thank you can we talk about the debt ceiling please yeah uh for those of you who don't know what the slut walk was i didn't even know i turned it i turned i turned on to the internet one day because i'm old that's how i do it yeah cranked it up one morning and i saw this giant instagram of her someone had posted and it was hashtag slut walk and she's like i'm sick of people being treated like sluts or whatever yeah i saw it and i was like oh that's just click bait i'm not even gonna bother clicking yeah well it literally was she didn't even try and hide it it wasn't like we're walking for women's rights and then maybe a few days later plus buy a strap on and you know whatever it was in the same post yes no totally bizarre mark for justice and you can buy bras and in the back of my trunk just ask me to walk and then we're gonna burn them hello god they burn their bras no that's oh you can't do that today i mean that was back in the day when everybody didn't have implant you can't just burn those bras today they could catch everybody on fire yeah probably her crew could burn their bra she's probably not wearing bras so she's like it's fine burn all the bras my boobs just stand up on their own they're unmeltable and it's like a tree trooper of the slut walk we're all just gonna float in water sluts don't stick sluts don't sink pass it around tweet it guys tweet it oh man how is she not having any show yet or does she oh my god i don't know you know i don't keep up with my amber rose news which is probably the the issue that's the problem you guys i'm the problem thank god for instagram it was like amber rose slut walk and yolanda being like oh out but hug still hugs to everybody okay so warning i talk a lot but you don't seem to might you can get in there when you have something to say no this is your show please no no when it's a run-on sentence just interrupt and i'll hear your voice and i'll try and ignore it and then just ignore my ignore it i stop on the second ignore okay so don't let me over talk you because i'll never shut up okay my friend came on to record real housewives of Atlanta with me and i'm like oh it's just going to be a few minutes not much is happening on that show two hours later so we're gonna have a really long a long day of talking crap great so let's move into some vander poop drool yes previously hi y'all Britney coming in her lingerie uh james and jenna bounded a pata blah blah blah etc and lisa five pills a day it's a lot of micro pm porchee okay so we opened um with shina and katie now katie i am a person who has weight issues and i ain't ever gonna fat shame anybody especially because i think she's more beautiful at this weight than ever and she's not fat i'm just saying that because whenever you gain weight that's when you start head accessorizing oh yeah yeah yeah draw the attention up right totally she's like i'm making headbands i was like oh no my bad man which by the way i spent at least an hour on pucker and pout last night which is all these photographs were for her own blog that she's launching her lifestyle blog is it actually up yes oh my gosh and there's such dribble posts everything is like you know what's good for you water it keeps you hydrated and there's like a picture of a glass of water i'm like oh katie this is so low budge when your waiter asks you if you want you want bottled or tat always say bottled yeah i'm trying to upsell me in your pucker and pout darling i'm not understanding why everybody needs to start a blog maybe it's because i've had one for so many years and uh guess what you're broke so yeah but like the idea that everyone has a lifestyle opinion is the thing that stuns me the most when i see like the most random people like a katie from vanderpump rules like do you really think you're going to change lives with telling people to drink glasses of water she could a lot of people do that when they first start their health during their like have you ever eaten vegetables they're not bad that's how i was trying yeah because it's not like weight watchers where they're just like have five thousand calories just make it our products right exactly it's just drink water and you know people trying to lose weight you don't understand how to do it me nine months out of the air just drink a lot of water and then we're like why aren't we thin yeah so good i did everything you told me to do i drink water so she's doing her like real housewives business and so she had her bestie well like her only friend come over to talk about it she's like you know she now like people say so much with what they're wearing on their head like this one's they just had a burger king and uh this one will probably get stuck in people's hair and pull it but you know beauty is pain my right when you're like hung over a shit like this is what i do this is the one where no one around you will get out of bed and you're like i won't either like she's like you know what i need i need one of my friends who's like super depressed and crying all the time i think she should model for me i can't wait peace are going to be a huge seller what do you think of it she knows like great bestness don't have one where someone's like totally in love and then they get giant paintings done of them at cms and then that guy i like she she's from her with pals oh my gosh can i say in your last podcast your discussion of of the the poster sized printouts of her of her own self and her wedding is hilarious ronnie there's like five of them it's like i've never seen such like a narcissist it narcissists humans home like i had no idea that's what it looks like there are everywhere i think she actually put more pictures up since the last time we were at that house because when we went in the house this time i swear to you there were more and when she was crying and she's like yeah but look at this couple look at them look at that couple up there and then look at that couple over there that girl's looking away beautifully and that girl's looking away beautifully or thing he's like sleeping on her shoulder i'm never sorry i'm counting i'm sure she has it on mugs and a calendar anything that you can put her face on her coffee cup is like spimpster not so tom two oh god tom two enters with model advice it's like i've been modeling for a long time yeah so stay hot i'm going to give you some advice for modeling these headbands make sure you date someone who can afford your car payment okay great yeah glad i added to this i can't feel my eye i can't feel my lip liner she looks like she can't feel her lips when she's putting on her lip liner she's doing massive circles which is like it was like a child who first learns about chapstick like oh like burt's bees tingles which like keeps putting like a hundred rows of chapstick on that was sheena it's like when you come home for the dentist and your mouth is numb and you're like i am drinking this milkshake right she kind of had that post-dennis thing it's like you can do it poor thing her she probably still can't feel those lips only her eyes move yeah no and also i mean in terms of like bedrooms i cannot believe like three people fit in that room i'm not saying like i have a huge apartment but i wouldn't film in a room where the dresser is like on top of the bed and the three of them like tom is basically kicking katie in the butt because they were like on top of each other standing three people in a room this is bravo though it's like they'll refuse to give them more money i don't know how it works i think they should do it because you can't give a show to a bunch of waiters and then expect them to still be waiters you know because i'm starting this in mexico um speaking as a waiter i'd be like i get like fifty dollars and i'm like i'm going up i can you come up guys um but yeah i forgot what i was gonna say you'll get used to it yeah it's fine so what was i gonna say about that what what ended up happening to this tom too shay doesn't look like an addict oh this is my favorite part oh my god he's like man yeah i just don't get it like whenever i see shay i'm like man that guy could use some pills but he was already taking them right no one can understand overweight drug addicts yeah well i love also that they're they're so concerned but maybe just because it's us as a viewer i'm like i've never even heard him speak so if i heard him talking i think we probably all know that he was on pills the whole time say it's that housewife that in season two is like well everybody thinks i'm quiet well i have a voice yeah no please don't have a voice like i need my storylines to be more so i can get paid mm-hmm with big wireless providers what you see is never what you get somewhere between the store and your first month's bill the price you thought you're paying magically skyrockets with mint mobile you'll never have to worry about gotchas ever again i mean how many times have you felt like oh this has been such a great deal and then at the end of the first month you're like what just happened yeah you look at the charges it's like i agreed to a certain amount and then you look at that bill and it is nowhere near the number that you agree to but then there's like 90 million charges on top of what you agreed to they were just secret sorry but not with mint say bye-bye to your overpriced wireless plans jaw-dropping monthly bills and unexpected overages all plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5g network to get this new customer offer and your new three month premium wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month go to mint mobile dot com slash crappins that's mint mobile dot com slash crappins cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mint mobile dot com slash crappins 45 dollar upfront payment required equivalent to 15 dollars a month new customers on first three month plan only speeds slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan additional taxes fees and restrictions apply see mint mobile for details this episode is sponsored by door dash you've heard us talking about the latest dash pass annual plan benefit stream max with ads included at no extra cost if you haven't tried it yet what are you waiting for runny you're a big um last of us fan right oh i sure am the HBO original the last of us it's about to start another season what would you order on door dash while you watch the last of us well while i'm watching last of us i prefer eating salads from door dash because the zombies are plants so you're kind of eating the zombie plant people you know okay you're restoring order yeah it's on theme sign up for a dash pass annual plan and get max included at no extra cost it's your door to more max is now included with your dash pass annual plan stream max with ads up to 120 dollar value included at no extra cost term supply see door dash dot com slash max for details well that's his job i mean that's all he does i guess poor guy like he feels like less of a man because he doesn't have a job and he does drugs i'm like yeah you know what'll solve that right getting a job and not doing drugs yeah kind of an easy thing well they're not doing drugs isn't easy no i mean it's sad but i'm also like you're married to basically an enabler so hey look i mean that's the lottery when you're an addict yeah i you know what actually that's true when you meet someone who's like he's not a drug addict he just takes a few pills a day who cares it's not like he's injecting it did you see me over here that's not want not okay so we'll get into the big drug the intervention later but yeah everyone's totally confused and there was definitely some awkward moments when they were having that intervention oh you're not going to mention that you got all this shit from us right they're like yeah seriously where could you possibly get drugs when we're partying every night where would you be getting those every place lots of people whoa there was also just such like a reality tv thing where it's like you know you you and shina shouldn't have a conversation you and all of your friend should totally confront him well the friends are the only ones who will tell her to shut up for five seconds that's true and now we learned the word intimidating i mean once he did open his mouth there's not many full sentences that came out yeah oh like you need to mix and match those words a little better and he's just kind of throwing them at the board right now mystic which i always forget that his name is michael i'm always like i thought his name was shay something or other michael shay yeah i didn't know either i'm uncomfortable knowing his full name i like what it's like kenny talking i don't want kenny to talk i want him to just be there in a weird little ski suit and die every time i know kenny died for a really a long time ago didn't he uh i hope so because i can't keep up with those storylines anymore the south parks man when those south park kids all got their own businesses i was done with the show it's like where's the reality in this really south park tom to oh tog tog tog the blog sorry pakka wait what's it called pakaran pow pakaran pow um you don't do either of those things with your hair by the way okay kenny and breathe kenny's advice these people are so dumb but they're so nice to you to each other sometimes kenny because listen honey all you need to do is just breathe just breathe and take it one day at a time seriously she's like that's what she's been doing that's why her husband's a drug addict you don't say something that he's going to be trying to say in therapy all the time he's like i'm just taking it one day at a time sheena yeah but when is it my day you're pulling attention away from me i'm in my bikini it's the month of november on the calendar what day should i put on it what bikini sticker should i put on the day what number what number she i'll be like you're intimidating yeah if you even respond you probably just uses the power of silence at all times he's trying was trying to be like sheena me not responding to you was me trying to be like you're hurting my feelings and she just powered through to be like oh this is just more ample time for me to be talking how do you think that makes me feel more when you're feeling bad about me i make me feel that way okay bring it on and all leads road that all roads lead back to Azusa at the end of the day okay here we are with my favorite thing to say modeling for katie how can i smile that's a good question sheena oh i haven't seen you have a real smile no while because you literally can't you can't i'm not perky photographers they're taking her picture sorry you guys i've just been crying for days you said my perky my spot yeah things have been going bad guys real bad like uh please shut up and tilt your head down and look away from the camera check that's what i said to say on a wedding day i can't believe that they were using like basically a professional photographer i was like what is happening right now you know that's someone who got a free mojito once it's yes okay they're getting engagement rings over the course of like one meeting then definitely they're getting a free photographer i heard they got the wedding ring in someone's studio apartment in east hollywood where the refrigerator was right did you notice that it's like please don't buy an eight thousand dollar ring in a studio apartment that's just not good you might as well just go to like a clairs and a mall if that's what you're gonna do clear this is more reputable you know that place has been vacuumed that's true the hell that guy doesn't even have a cover for his fridge it's like some old leaky fridge how did you even meet that guy in the course of five minutes hmm that's that's the only way he that's the length of the time he worked there is that what you're saying he's like yeah i'm stressing out i'm stressing out oh nice to meet you will you donate a ring rings i'll give you a bottle of this lisa pump sangria for a ring like god i'm good at selling oh yes so lisa bus jacks so when we get to sir finally um it honestly didn't take 20 minutes to get to sir on the show only on this show and i don't understand either because sir should be the same way like manhattan is the sex in the city like it should be another character you know but they don't treat it properly yeah they don't need anybody to see that yeah the health department doesn't need to see that don't we just got our a back it is easy to get a b or c with the health department they're like whoa look at that cup on the counter there left a ring all right there's a b guys oh no i'm sure pump has an a i'm sure sir has a b and she's gonna throw it in their face via the health inspector who only looked at pump i've brought in step on from pump to show you how to clean what was it step on if you have time to leave you have time to take pictures in your bikinis to promote the restaurant no clean if you've got time to leave you've got time to clean all right whatever just do what he says idiot jacks if he's just like abusing him from the back so lisa comes in and jacks gross is up at the law law station and mom was already earning that money and being nice to lisa because she's having this fake conversation on the phone she's like oh yeah yeah hi yeah i'm done sorry we don't have any tables nope we're booked up yeah maybe in a month okay i can take your name now or put you in a lottery a bet nope sorry sir stop yelling sir i'm sorry Robert De Niro Redford you cannot come here no one is calling and begging for a reservation it sir okay yeah it's like oh a table we only have 10 p.m. available like doubt it they do that though they'll put especially at pump they'll put like four big guys in suits like really nice suits that just stand there like they're blocking someone very important but then you look behind it and all the tables are empty it's like what do you block the giant pots what are you protecting in there president pot president hanging scary thing that can poke people in the head no clearly they're protecting jennifer lorence remember she loves it she went there once and that place oh my god they're like a diner just put her face on every wall jennifer lorence ate a goat cheese ball tell him step on she loves the pump teeny i can't believe nobody's ever thought of putting vodka in the triangular cup before the same thank god for chef penny and then what was that what was that bartender's name he's like and then i put strawberries and i muddle up oh that's everything on that so they muddle everything they would muddle chocolate milk yes punch the chocolate all right i'm bringing in jenny from next door not only does she work out two times a day katie darling she also punches chocolate punch it chocolate's delicious um so jack's coming on to lala is really gross and lala keeps shocking me every time because she has that look in her face i've been comparing her kind of to julia roberts and pretty woman where she's a hoe but she's a really nice girl and you're like oh my god how does she become a hoe because she's just so darn sweet but then she makes terrible decisions and that's kind of like lala i keep thinking she's about to say something different and then she doesn't jacks hey yeah you like so you know i hear your mornin from utah she's like yeah he's like i hear that they like i mean this is too much just like tell me but i hear they like anal is that true she's like yeah yeah anal and bj's we're great at it i'm like lala shut up stop talking she does not mind sexual harassment at all that's like the second time she's been blatantly harassed at work and she's like yes that was hot yeah she's like goes to HR and she's like oh i'm not getting sexually harassed enough i'd like to file a report jacks actually stayed behind the hostess stand when he was sexually harassing me he was doing it wrong i needed to talk to um no one on the phone lines about how we don't have any tables i brought over luke to teach the staff how to properly harass someone do it do it darling looks an idiot all right stop being a brat jacks ugh jacks get away from everyone i'm happier than him stop it jacks don't ever be mean to my wife again when she tells you you're not harassing properly listen jimmy young man tough can they're like all right whatever i want tough can to just go be tough with everybody on brawls just randomly walk in very slowly and say don't mess with her oh you're messing with jiggy yeah like a retail therapy but with can and jiggy and and lisa and hank lisa and hank i was like he's hank you can't just turn hanky at the hank that's completely different numerology darling oh my favorite character we haven't trademark hank only hanky and we're gonna start selling little cloth squares to pick up her poop but they also take buggers we've made a new invention we're revolutionizing the industry with hankies um so fighting with lala fighting with law oh flirting with lala growth yeah i just put this and then lisa's like lala darling please wrap yourself and saran wrap if you're gonna stand anywhere near jacks i don't need new newbies popping out in souls sterling unappetizing i love the way that the show is cut where you'll see jacks like flirting with lala and clearly being like huh ain't all huh and then it'll cut back to see where he's like Brittany move in with me be my girlfriend i want to be exclusive i'm blessed it's hard i don't think he knows what exclusive means it's not his fault it's english's fault such a dumb damn i love whenever they use old phrases on these guys because they've never heard them before when she says jacks you don't poop in your own yard he's like uh what but it's illegal to poop in other people's yards he's like wait i i think i can do that because it's my yard no jacks does it count if i'm renting and then uh what was the last thing oh yeah lisa she goes uh that girl's in trouble from that girl from Arkansas's trouble she's giving up her life for jacks he's had three noses in one year he doesn't understand the word commitment got a point there i know but see part of me feels bad for me but the other part of me is like well she seems like a bag of rocks so i mean this is what jacks is gonna end up with and i guess it should be at least a nice girl from wherever yeah i know those people when people get really into it on instagram because that's how they met you know and you think you know their personality sometimes people really are like that we were reading some instagrams yesterday of housewives and some of them are really like that like dorinda here i am having the hot dog on the street i got a picture with the hot dog look through into the hot dog god oh god she's really like that in real life you know yes yeah and this one is probably really like that too she's probably like hi y'all today i hung stuff in my bedroom with tape then she shows up and you're like oh my god she's really hanging stuff in my house with tape tape yes and it's gonna be like i don't know like sunflowers everywhere she seems like that time i like flowers and i like sun flowers are the perfect marriage between sades and the sun you're and jacks is like uh-huh whatever it's like marriage gross yeah so is she living in his studio or whatever we know yet hasn't been confirmed but it looks like she has spare keys right that's what the waitresses were giving her a hard time about oh god he's she's already got keys can you imagine the amount of people that have keys to jacks's apartment you know he god that's terrible i know you would never know who stole from you yeah oh he's got he's probably got some kind of nanny camera something and they're just for like master arbitrary reasons i would guess maybe what they leave about on accident it's all the bus boys hanging out using all the silverware from sir egh gross so going out jacks james is like me at that age uh so it's guys night out and all the douchebags go i'm guessing to the grove because that's where they always go is that really where they go yes they go to anywhere that mohamad kind of owns so they go to like mixology which is owned by one of their friends i don't know oh yeah the grove is owned by the shaws of sunset basically oh my god let's meet at the macaroni cart they're like shots all shots all night we'll finish this fight at the sticker store i'm not does james not realize that he's six foot and maybe a hundred pounds well i went to dinner there the other day um because that's a really fun place to eat ironic dinner you know yeah and um they always i've always heard that they have one of them on staff at all times like Disneyland you know so micky you can get your picture taken with micky and so if you go every night you can see a different person every night oh collecting cards so i went and it was james and we got we were there for happy aris it was like six thirty and he was in the lobby like oh hello hello darling hello darling talking to all the girls kissing um kind of waste already you know how he is and he looks just like he does on the show but really cute and he's very like overly flirtatious with everybody he's just that oh he's just that guy i think who wins by i don't know smiling people's face and being creepy because yeah he was having an accent yeah yeah just get it yeah but his accent's not even that charming one like top of the morning to you i'm going to the finance district to build a larger castle for our family right that's you know that's the kind you marry this one's true not like yeah darling you're pretty darling yeah he looked real pretty there darling oh it's like a chimney sweeper a drunk chimney sweeper like being a let's from the roof at people you know you know slam that darling yeah you're like the head to blow job look at that there darling that that's a romantic he he he you're right his conversation what was it last week or two weeks ago when he was talking with la la about like oh do you do you like to bang other girls boyfriends like you and that was another time where i thought she was gonna be like you're a creep fuck off because that's what her eyes were saying and then she's like well i mean if you say you don't have a boyfriend then i thought my problem he's like la la no you're the reason why amber rose had the slut shame walk let's you know what amber rose you've gone too far sometimes you need some shame and sluttery otherwise we're just gonna be walking around with the disease you know two uh two places down or like two blocks down from pump is the hiv vam that just tries around all of her west hollywood so you can get your drink and come out and get your hiv test and go over to million dollars of milkshakes or whatever millions of milkshakes weighted out those kind of handy that they opened right in front of that thing bring the hiv truck all right jillian from pump it's gonna show you how to give a blood sample all right she's the best i'd ever pay attention jacks it's like i've done it a million times and i don't even have hiv we're like yeah jacks settle down i don't even have h it like that that's a different thing oh fuck yeah jacks come on i kept forgetting to go back to the truck to get the results oh well i'm sure everything's okay left like an alarm going off down the street it also burns when i pee though is that fun no jacks no i'm not drinking enough cocaine good so anyway the guys are all going out oh the other thing i wanted to say because there's really no james story isn't that a fascinating story i saw james and we say what i was like what are you doing and he said i'm about to deejay over at pump you you guys should come by and see me see me deejay wouldn't that be funny it's all in he's talking to my friend she's like and i don't think i've ever seen someone that thin as a man that guy is like Tim Burton movie thin yeah no you can kind of tell on on the show i mean he that's like a size 26 that's like terry hatcher thin from back in the day it's like goal weight okay that's like a ten-year-old goal weight and i approve good for you i'm not thin shaming all right james oh i was like did i lose you oh you did did you lose me during thin shaming yes i missed that wait i was just saying that i'm not thin shaming him you know like i've just never seen an adult who has a body that a ten-year-old would be jealous of like uh i feel so fat like girl gymnast are like how do you do it hmm so let's see here coming out size 26 jeans i wrote i don't think i've ever written down size 26 jeans but i did last night just taking a guess guys night talking christian he's also wearing like specifically women's clothes women's what oh sorry i'm like i'm losing it he's wearing like women size 26 jeans is that smaller yes oh they don't lie to you guys is how can it be smaller i've never understood sizes isn't there just like one way to measure people no it's like because women's butts and men's butts don't add up oh it's the but it's the but it's in the childbearing reach i mean nothing you have kids at your but you know what i mean yeah i know what you mean uh um was it gonna slay a bit measurements oh yeah i'm really mad at places because the measurements are so different and when you have weight ish it's like all right just tell me am i old navy weight or am i like banana republic weight because old navy you can be like i don't know like 500 pounds and they'll be like you're a weight size 36 congratulations you're like what i've lost weight you're like no matter what i'm always a size zero here like maternity dresses congratulations you're thin come back to old navy i love this everything empire waste and you can also leave with the keychain that holds your gum whatever they have in the end i'll there i love that place our navy remember when the navy was new thank god it's old now love the bargains new navy had the correct sizes fuck that store all right pure one why am i writing down pure one okay what do these guys talk about blah blah relationship being gross gross no one cares they're all fake tom trying to talk about being an adult okay so the toms want to come up with this business where they're selling lisa's sangria oh my god this is my favorite part of the season so far i think was the actual pitch meeting so the feeds are planted in the scene that they're they're gonna start their own business because you know you can't beat peter pan forever like tell sandy dunking that i think she's i think she passed away and they still put her on that bun jeans is she alive sandy dunking can't confirm that i don't remember morning so she's probably still with us yeah i'm like i'm gonna do a quick google let's see cathee rigby is still flying around as peter pan do not plan to live sandy dunkiness at 69 oh that's not even bad good for you darling fly i don't want to grow up that's when you start really singing it after 40 every day doesn't work christian anger face okay so whatever this seems dumb basically um james is a mess and a kind of a drunk and he's always loud and they have a segment about how is a loud drunk right yeah we're like we get it we get it and also probably coke what do you think's there yeah he's probably his pupils are really dilated and he's talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking about stopping something well yeah because i've never seen someone get so hyped up on tequila shots ever yeah no it doesn't work it's interacting with something and cocaine oddly enough is back people are doing it again don't give it to you right it sir like we have no tables available but i can offer you a little bag if you walk by Lisa's like listen everything else in here is from the 80s the only drug you're allowed to do on the floor is cocaine everyone understand i brought julia and i'm from pump to show you how to cut it properly with a button knife get in here darling jax is like no this time i actually think i'm better than all of you let me have this one Lisa if anything let me have this one i have seven noses respect fist pump all right jax take it over pump solips that uh therapy okay so the old reality therapy where people go to a therapist that they've obviously never seen before because the therapist looks terrified oh my god which also can we note that before they get to the therapist office like christen's making him breakfast and he's like half asleep hung over his hill like on the couch and he has that confessional where he says i've only been awake for 38 seconds and this is the worst day of my life having a christian looking over you with her face so it's totally your face like her tongues on the side of her mouth that kind of pulsing the pulsing her cheek you know when people do that yes like why is making blowjob face supposed to tell me you're angry hope you're enjoying your sleep uh do you feel me looking at you i'm blowing an egg and then he wakes up ready for her are you gonna get out of bed are you gonna stop napping those are from pure one okay get up i don't want breakfast christian oh yes christian christian i don't want breakfast christian because he's mad that she made breakfast fine so i made you breakfast so where were you why were you cheating what did you do why why are you always doing that and she just wants to start fighting right away and he's still drunk because he got home 30 minutes ago yeah seriously and he's still drunk so he's like oh piss off piss off then he's like hey i've been wanting to tell you this for a long time you're stupid my hate you hope you die oh my god you know what it's shocking i wish there was some sort of like catch-up show in between last season this season because i want to see the turning point when james was all of a sudden like i hate you christian like i hate you i think the turning point well because he even hated her at that wedding last year she moved wedding she punched him in the face yeah that might have been it yeah might have been the turning point i think once he got a contract i think when bravo was like okay you've done your job you've actually filled waters you've pressed plan iTunes and you've banged a cast member so so get on over here yeah that's a season you won so he's like i've got everything christian looking for the escape patch now i mean basically he just needs to walk out i think they're making him shoot with her because she saw us to be on the show so what is she going to do now yeah yeah no he she has to be on the show right i'm starting a lawsuit against uh against sir because the parking spaces are too slim so i'll be here every week i'm more concerned about how they're going to work stosse into this season oh my god i know when you have a whole show about waiters and now most of them are going to stop being waiters how's this going to work exactly i mean it's not like the shows about them ever showing up to work anyway but still yeah i want to see stassi work oh couch desk oh god changing positioning couch desk okay it's official i need couch bed i just need to be able to lay here you know you deserve it let me put my leg onto my other leg oh this is get comfortable we've got to get into the therapy sash we just started my my the ending just opened uh i mean the opening just ended uh okay so they get to therapy christians like if we're gonna work this out we're gonna we're gonna do it the right way with the therapist who doesn't know us that we got for free because bravo okay so they go to this chick who's terrified the second she sees them like literally terrified she looks so scared she's like welcome welcome to safe space like oh tell you what's not a safe space anywhere around him he's like yo stupid slag christian all right then um let's just talk about what's going on with you guys well he's still drunk oh fuck off christian i have to get drunk to look at your face oh she's like well guys i think communication might be the first issue well it's really hard to communicate with him when like he keeps like not bringing in the mail and then i don't remember to pay t-mobile and then my phone gets turned off and then i'm like otherwise my phone off and he's like you're stupid moron seaway christian not helping he's like and i just want to hate you he's like i just i cheat on you to just make it worse because i hate you and then he does that thing where he just turns it all into her like she's doing everything the the you are defense like well i don't trust her because of the people she slept with and she's like oh whatever i've heard these slept with anyone okay jacks she's like jacks tom tom Alfredo he slept with Alfredo god damn it christian oh probably peter because peter secretly is like slept with everyone peter has slept with everyone he's like the tan the ted danson of the place he's kind of the older one but nobody's pretending he's older yes when he shows up dating a chick with a four-year-old they're like whoa we've never known an adult i'm like actually you've been doing coke with one for three years now so i don't know what you're all so shocked about that's what we do when we find someone older we're like oh you have a kid another apartment great i'm moving in it's colds being professional in your forties projecting oh jeez i want someone with a baby that i can ignore right yeah ignore i want to give somebody daddy issues okay so how much therapy do we need to go into that was pretty much it right i mean that was it it was just basically it was so clear it's like you guys need to break up like don't even bother trying to work it out it's like was the eyes of that therapist yeah that fourth therapist was horrified with her job at that moment yeah she's like i've already had to deal with christen alone let alone with her fucking boyfriend she goes guys we're gonna have to learn how to not retaliate but she's hurt me and i haven't gotten over it sex with jax and tom affected me it's uncomfortable it's uncomfortable christian and then she's like yeah but i make so much effort because like remember how i tell you you're special and like i'll be like you're so thin oh i love your jeans like i try and be the most supportive girlfriend i can he's like he'll not my mother she she puts spit on her fingers and then comes my hair with them it's disgusting it's because i'm trying to be supportive sick gross sad and they still find a way to bring up Todd and uh Todd tom what if they brought up Todd from atlanta she's like i'm mad at him because Todd's holding up all those things uh she's uh always mad at him but she fires up way to bring up tom every single time yes still not let go so proud of her she seeks six to her guns right that's called love it's called commitment so therapist i feel like and then james starts you're a fucking bitch he's just wasted in uh therapy like oh really all right let me learn to say this in a nice a way she's a bitch like okay it's not working his eyes are like blazed so dinner with the gang okay so i'm assuming we're at a suit plantation not sure where we are just a guess like whatever low budgets they're like oh strictly appetizers how have they not eaten at clean jumper yet i have no idea that's the best place ever have you guys i've ever seen a club sandwich just this big uh okay so um where were they okay let me find my lubies note lubies lubies lubies lubies okay so they're all talking couplehood because it's katie and tom two ariana and tom one and who's the other couple oh peter and new boo i don't even think peter said anything all year has he no no yeah they're like you're old sit in the back we have no room for you old one yeah you're not going to be a cast member you're not young enough yeah he was like well i do bring a lot of people around it's just that the cameras never show them the editors always put them on the cutting room floor they're like um no which i mean by the way i think jax is like 42 um i would think so i mean it's so hard to tell you know you know how you count the rings on a tree to know how old it is like you have to count the little rings behind the ears of people who have had so much work because you have to do it by decades because usually it's like a facelifted decade which actually leaves a line behind the ear and you get your first facelift when you're like mid 30s if you're on this cast so i need to look at those rings. Robert Downey jr has four i was like oh my god he's really aged he's gonna do cocoon soon like he could literally do it i saw them in iron man i was like four rings 60 60 if he's a day that's insane accurate time i didn't know that yeah this is good learning see learning crappins crappins lesson so all the guys are talking about their relationships and peters like yeah i knew she was the one because we met at a free party it didn't have to buy her drink she still boned me and like the camera's actually showing her so yeah she wins it's meant to be and then they all start talking about how because she has a baby that everybody else it's time to grow up and Ariana is terrified of the word marriage because that's tom's new things like we're dilting yeah we're gonna get married like when this comes when the bill comes i'm not gonna be like could you split this on like six different checks i'm just gonna say can you split this into three checks because each couple should pay together because that's what adult couples do so he needs his own business so he brings up the selling selling the sangria for lisa they're like yeah it's my time to make an effort now and sell some sangria so then oh and then Kate is retaining she doesn't need to get married anyway she's like it's fine like he's totally changed yeah he's totally like immature like he just makes me crazy i can't even imagine marrying him are we getting married tomorrow when then when the time limit's almost up it's just what i'm saying you have like two months one day 26 hours and 58 minutes yeah because didn't they already pass their they're like six-month mark isn't it like nine months now well they talk about it like i don't know how they work time on these because somebody said something had been happening for two years or oh i think it was on another wait who started their product two years ago oh kenya more so on real housewives of Atlanta they're like oh she started the shampoo company two years ago but we just saw that on this most recent season so i'm not sure how it works on all of this um but i do know that it works on faces did you watch the Beverly Hills uh uncensored thing that they showed yes wasn't that good it was fascinating we don't have to talk about this today but that's another one where you can really see the faces change yeah year to year and they're like back in 2010 it's like 2010 it looks like you guys are going back two decades i know kim especially for some reason looked completely different to me kim and lisa like lisa still had the same hair and stuff but she really really looked different yeah she still looks hot but i mean she's had pretty decent surgery i think but yeah anyway jumping jumping ahead because i'm stuck at this gang dinner and i'm right yeah so annoyed with it that i won't even read down the paragraph because i'm like yeah i mean it was dumb they want to have an intervention so the funny thing about this to me is don't you think she okay she hangs out with them and they're always partying every night pretty you think she got the drugs yeah seriously i thought the same thing when they're like and i i'm surprised how she is like i had no idea this was happening like really really you guys shame isn't a really bad mood like uh that's not his name it's not i don't even know you anymore why did you never tell me there is not an ad in your name i would have put it on your groom's cake he's like oh did have one remember you just handed me that hoho in the hallway and told me to be quiet i got a hundred cakes because you know he had like a tiny little groom cupcake from rouse with a and she has like a five-decker cake from rouse like crop top crop top wedding takes her my things aunt d made me one this is like buddy crocker on top of buddy crocker on top of buddy crocker on top of buddy crocker with a cupcake on top um so now we get the most another disgusting sexual harassment scene with someone who totally doesn't seem to mind lala's there again we see james at the pizza oven which means it's much it must be time to set up the iTunes i've been working on a new playlist kristan with my friend asked him what kind of music she talks like that she's like what kind of music do you play he's like oh you know like whatever we do a lot of things house a lot of house she's like oh house girls i don't listen to that really he's like well we've also got some beaver if that's your thing you know i can do everything beaver house strawy sand he just starts naming anybody who's ever recorded a song ever and she's like that sounds great he's like all right darling move on oh hope to see it pumped in later uh leery like i actually think that we um or you need to help him like you need to get him to make like a theme song for your for your podcast oh god we need to hang out in real life so you can suggest things like that yeah yeah because uh my friend kim was saying why don't you tell him about the show and ask him to do the show i was like no because we only do show with the people we like we can't just be mean to somebody you know i mean i don't hate him or anything to me their children i'm i forgive these people for everything i don't hate him he doesn't know better yeah he doesn't man i always say you can't beat a five year old for pooping on the ground you know right you pat it on the head and then you put it back in its crate and hope that it learns better for next time that's like a little james i mean it's like you know what you're gonna get when he's like coked down and drunk showing up to the podcast it's just inevitable because you know it'll be on skype and he'll be like what was the question oh yes hello there yeah sure you know yeah i'll give you an autograph it's like could you please stop calling us on skype from the fucking bus stop yes so james okay so sexual harassment scene two of the of the day is anyone here nice like or any of these men nice to women like no that is the lesson learned he's like hello there lola you feel sexy hey la la you feel tingly girl do you feel tingly it's just so gross how he talks to her would you like to have fun darlin i have fun i mean you must be a good singer look at pretty y'all you're pretty pretty girl a pretty pretty girl i'm a producer i get out of here oh and he's like oh your voice must you're so pretty do you know how many blow jobs garage barons has gotten people yeah definitely those garage band loops i'm a producer now sing ah perfect it's gonna be a hit bang me as your payment gross so l_a_ uh he's l_a_ l a lala i'm like l_a_ l_a_ why would i say that twice lala um would you like to have fun darlin and then uh she starts blushing which is weird um he says she's blushing i think she likes it she's blushing oh yeah that's a clementier she talked to jacks earlier her body's just starting to feel the infection yeah she too burns while peeing that spit screen over the pizza oven helped nobody at least it's like get over there behind the pizza thing dang you know i just press play over there i don't care if it burns james all right we're not here to make you comfortable all right now put something from Saudi Arabia mixed with a child singing in france mixed with the drums of the bg's do you understand go i love these songs i'm imagining what lisa would ask for on her on her third playlist yeah oh god i want to imagine a small afghanney child running from a village holding baseball bats on fire can you do that because that's the music in there it's like you know as an india right like you're not even trying to be an indian restaurant but every song is like don't don't don't don't now you're in china now it's like china rock terrible literally terrible i'll play anything you'd like give me a give me a keyword to such darlin all right so next we get this amazing sales meeting with the toms favorite thing yet so far this season so so good so many amazing things in the scene so first poor people walking around lisa's house is always time because they're like wow cream carpeting velvet paintings of can holding dogs in different outfits this is rich man t everywhere and tom number two he's like i want this this is like my dream a place for swans to float an entire wing for katie to complain wow i'm gonna live like this like you need to think a little bit bigger because you're basically asking for commission on sangria yeah seriously tom tom number one says i'm not much of a salesman in life but i've sold lots of pump martini so i can do that yeah but life isn't just a bar you can't just like walk into like a whole foods and be like you look beautiful tonight yeah who's the lucky man who's meeting you for happy hour what he's not here pump teeny so like sir do you need something drinking yeah um so their pitch to lisa was pretty good because lisa lisa's all about just saying no she doesn't even care she's like no you're stupid so instead of telling them no she brings pandy pandy and uh pandy's possibly gay husband who are both extremely bored with life god bless their hearts i know they come over for the meeting and then kin's just kind of sitting there and make sure they don't steal anything off the coffee table yeah and so they start pitching it to lisa and this is tom's pitch he's like so you know lisa like your drink it's like so good lvp sangria so you know i'm out a lot so i'm thinking like i could be in vegas or like let's say like an indian casino or wherever you know and so i'm sitting there and i'm drinking and it looks weird because it's red and so people are like what are you drinking and then i'm like lvp sangria and then they're like what what does that even mean and so they go to the bartender and they're like what's vlp and he's like you must mean lvp do you want some and then they're like yeah yeah that was the pitch literally the pitch do you know how many people have started shaving their face ever since the first time i did that at the bulagio water fountain the entire world it was just so sad like i can't believe that was their actual business pitch selling sangria from bar to bar from bar to bar and then tom too is like i don't think you know that uh licorice is in my background i'm like yeah i'm sure it is you're a drunk too basically your bloodstream is not your resume tolling yeah i love how pandy just shuts them into she's like um we're thinking globally uh i love fandy because she's lisa van der pumps of onka trump yes it's like lisa may come up well lisa's no trump i mean that's not the totally read but those the kids are the same pandy just stays there quietly looking like she's patiently listening and then the minute it's time for her to talk lisa just looks at her and she's like you're thinking about a bond and indian casino we just had a meeting with the pope the leader of island and jason's like i just married into this sweet ass gig so i'll go wherever yes lisa's like jason's like i will go wherever lisa's southwest vouchers get me right now let me see it's like they've been flying all over the world for lisa van der pumps engree ash is like you don't sell it by drinking in a bar tom so possibly go home and rethink this plan and maybe include things like different things that you included because the things you included were just awful and this is a business and i don't want you crying and running away tom too and he's like yeah oh that was that was younger not ready to like seriously not ready to get married tom but this is almost ready to get married tom so i'm totally on i have a perm and a dog tom tom's the other tom number one's like yeah we could totally do this we have a lot in common like we have a couch because we're just got one felt great paid for it everything's fine everything's fine pandy we always give shit when i say we i say me because food issues so i'm always giving pandy shit but not because she's big but because she's lisa van der pumps the daughter in beverly hills and i know that must be hill i know that she's been every gold plated weight watchers meet you know i just know what she's been put through you know yeah definitely every time i see her i just want to hug her and be like stop worrying about it you're so pretty and you're rich as hell and you've got a cute husband stop being weird about your weight it makes me crazy looking at it she's like i'm gonna wear a black dress and i'm getting a gigantic piss that will sit on my lap the entire time i know you can't hide behind a burkin was that a burkin i'm but that guy pretty much it probably was i mean that was like a huge burkin that was huge she's like this was fifty thousand dollars it's like that doesn't make you thinner and nobody cares be you're talking okay you're good enough you're smart enough and god darn it we love making funny you no matter your weight darling yeah worrying about your weight worry about your husband i do like that she makes her kids like work like how she worked in the restaurant and she has you know the other son is a as a whatever like a busser he's still a bus for poor max i'm ever moving up like well max when you prove to me that you can do more than bus tables it's like three years later finally we'll move you up yeah i don't think max wants to move up he seems to be pretty happy he's like what ever i don't care and you know who the real workers are at that restaurant i've learned going there the bus boys they're the only workers anyway the waiters are all like you see on tv they're all a bunch of model idiots they'll be like do you want anything like after you've been sitting there for 45 minutes and the bus boys already taken your order and brought you dessert and poured you three drinks you guys doing okay uh yes thanks to you yeah we're leaving yeah okay don't forget to type uh get out idiots when lisa was shocked that that girl showed up in her underwear i was like that's what you put her in anyway since when are you so picky she's like those are not uniform underwear all can suck yeah no it's like their vaginas are level with the table that's like literally their outfit so i don't know why she's shocked i want these tables lowered for the short waiters darling no one's coming here for the bulls the goat cheese bulls they've turned i think they've turned the goat cheese balls into a goat cheese empanada not the same guys no i hope chef penny doesn't know about this she would shut that down she would she'd be like i did not do goat cheese empanadas the flavor profile the texture profile is wrong go back to balls they're sexy do you know anything about chef penny she's our favorite no she was on i just remember her when she's a red pump right she was the they only had one little scene with her i think last year or two years ago and lisa they were going over the menu and we died i think we did a whole hour just going over the 80s shit that they're gonna put on the menu but pretend they're inventing you know lisa's like i'm a calamari but fry it darling what's changed what's changed the industry ben's favorite one is tuna tartar because that's so lisa vanner pump like things that were famous a long time ago she's like beef wellington it's gonna take the neighborhood best role anyway chef penny is from the food network star or whatever that show is called on the food network where they line up like 20 people who can't cook but then they make them cook anyway and try to come up with the personality over the course of like 90 hours that you have to watch a show and chef penny was one of them and her thing was being sexy she's like i'm a sexy chef mmm yeah that's so good so gross so i've been in love with hating her forever and i love that she's just attached to this show at all so in every episode that podcast which one oh god i don't even know what it was it was forever ago you'll hear if you ever listen to this again you'll hear it 20 times because that's all we say when fender prep rules is on okay darling invent it oh i want a piece of bread but a flat piece of red even possibly rose things up in like a holdable sandwich we should call it a tiller like mmm too short tortilla mean don't hear darling take the world by a pump tier we've invented it we're gonna change mexico all right little trump i wrote why am i still a little trump okay so pandy basically hands the guys their ass her husband looks bored as hell what is dinner like with those two at home there's no speaking how was your day jason oh silence get away from me why do you only get to hard on whenever i talk about account balances he's like it's not the money that's in the account it's the it's allowance day oh that's right darling all right i'm with you i love you deeply i love you deeply air kisses air kisses see you in two weeks so where am i i take too many notes on this stupid fucking show i'm telling i get obsessed while i'm watching it mike and then they they use the wrong fork okay shina's house oh geez so now we're gonna grant finale yes uh they're gonna have an intervention west side which everyone finds really weird because shina basically shay hasn't been home for a week and shina's like shay and i need to fight everybody come over i don't want to have to tell you all separately help me so i guess that's a thing in their relationship where they don't really like to talk to each other so whenever they have an issue they like to talk about it with a lot of people around seriously i mean there's so many red flags about this relationship and then i hope these kids make it you know how shay you know how when you're gonna break up with someone you do it in a public place so they can't yell at you i think that's why shay insists on other people being there yes because the friends will tell her to be quiet you know yeah like shina you it's about it's not about you and she's like how do you think you trust me maybe oh uh no literally when he he's going on about how he has this pill addiction she goes yeah he wasn't paying the bills because he was buying drugs and then looks into all of them is if they're supposed to be like oh my god shina she goes yeah her big confession i'm addicted to somebody because it's so hard on me he's trying to have an honest intervention they're like bro look like tell me i love how people classify this is so true too by the way when you when you're someone who lives in a town where people are just always partying the way that you look at drug addiction is just very different here if they exemplify it in the scene dude what are you doing okay so like pills like what do you like like pills yeah oh so you were just doing like a couple pills a day i mean like so okay wait so were you take like were you taking so many that if you didn't take one then you'd like crave it yeah oh well i mean that's kind of that okay like if you do that look man the reason that your body's craving it is because you haven't taken one so next time you feel that just take a pill and then you'll feel better like uh i don't think this is gonna go very well because no one knows really even how to do no one will say just quit you know yeah no they're like well you can drink sometimes shay that's fine that's fine that's definitely not a slippery slope and shina's answer that killed me when that came out but yeah this all turns into shina making it about herself and she's like well i was doing five a day like five dude you don't even have a job how are you a five in five thirty dollar pills a day dude that's crazy who are you getting from the bus boys wow which busway definitely where does he hide them do you know his locker combination and then he admits to one day having ten a day which okay thirty dollars a pill mass three hundred dollars that costs more than all those cvs blow up portraits put together you all could have bought a dining room table a long time ago she's like i could have had more pictures of me we didn't even get the blow at the picture where we're standing in front of the fountain i'm looking away from you you snorted it so he's having this like deep confession he's like yeah sometimes i put things in my body other than fruit loops or whatever and they're like whoa dude is that addiction or like i'm not sure and she was like how do you make how do you think this makes me feel like shina i know it's not about you i don't know how do you think you're telling me it's not about me maybe oh god the shinas and the pictures aren't happy stop making the shinas and the pictures i'm happy so so annoying to see his i feel so bad for her in a way i have to say no i do too i don't know why i feel bad for them is it because i made so many mistakes when i'm young and i'm like oh kids just you know wear a condom i don't even know what it is i i don't know exactly why i feel so bad for them but there is something about like two lost people somehow getting married like they should have never gotten married oh man they're from azusa you know it's like different there she's like wow i never really remember him talking i just remember like we were at this party in a public park and i'm like i came down the side and he saw me and then i was like i would look good looking away from in a in a picture and that's my dream that's probably one of the main reasons she married him he's really good at just staring off blankly he'll always look at my neck while i'm looking away oh that's how i'm acting so sheena is hugging him and she's got this gigantic crucifix ring that's covering three fingers and is full of fake sharp diamonds and i'm just waiting for him for her to scratch him that poor guy must just be terrified i know well he clearly is i love that was the part she freaks out and he's like i'm actually scared of you like you are so intimidating and mean hmm but why are you doing what makes me feel oh she doesn't even let him finish the sentence about her being intimidating what do you mean i'm putting luck back on the freezer until you take her back i said it i mean it like i'm sorry okay now shut up that was intimidating be quiet so she never lets anybody talk she's just one of those we all know because we see whenever she you know steps on a piece of glass and turns it into a six episode arc um why aren't you gonna ask me about my son at the reunion and be oh what about me such a brat so we're all here for you man like are you an addict are you just partying because like it's really fun because that's why i do it am i an addict no am i hot what do you think of me my hot it's like oh four shades never gonna get out of this okay sheena i don't know i didn't know me tonight you're miserable with me you're a little drunk in the breast because of me why don't you just get rid of me if i'm so miserable and he's like uh this is actually about my addiction i'll be addicted to me no one's addicted to me i'm not at your addiction why did you marry me then because you made me oh yeah he's like you terrified me into it because you told me if i didn't that you'd take fruit rollups off the shelves of the Azusa Ralphs oh yeah good point anyway stop good nightmare i'm staying like are you gonna go where you're gonna stay i'm at your parents house with the dining room table he's like no i'm gonna stay here i miss a tv tray he's like whoa everything's pretty terrible but you're only minorly terrible he's like i left the rest of my pills under the mattress so i had to come back eventually my stash is here yeah because i always like oh i basically kicked it i'm like oh doubt that that man that i left behind yesterday he's gone now i'm like yeah opiate addictions don't really work like that i'd recommend a movie called Sid and Nancy very romantic you two can watch it curled up in front of the tv trays on your oversized married with children couch yeah yeah so dark caprisons and all caprisons oh that was the best one they had like their romantic evening at home together because now they're like everything's normal we're just two kids having dinner together drinking caprisons and getting drug test taken and she knows just so glad to have him back look at this self-grant i've been dreaming of a time where we can get rid of these and get a real table wouldn't that be amazing shit he's like it's like uh she's like i have all these new proofs of our wedding photos to be framed they found a new folder i saved my old nerves because it's gonna be yes it's the lack of a terrible oh god purple and pound pucker and pound uh lisa explains resumes oh wait we're not there yet this conversation really got crazy with shina because we're thinking i mean i'm guessing like we're thinking now shina is gonna take this man fix him up she's gonna save this marriage save her man everything's gonna be okay because she really does love him and blah blah blah and then she goes well i like you're still gonna drink right because like you can still like drink you just wanted to get drunk i don't gotta like i was like no shina and he's like um i don't think you were listening to what i said earlier for usual like but i left that man behind no i don't care about that guy because that's the guy at your parent toss that's the guy that's here right now and he can have a sip if he wants want to set you want to set you want to start anything just a half it's not a drug if it's only a half like shina oh my god and then she comes right out and says i can't be with somebody who's like totally sober because like the lifestyle of styles of customing to me like what no gross that's terrible okay terrible and you know anybody who's ever dealt with addiction or addiction in their family was freaking out at that last night god i mean at least like lisa vanner pump was like um shina just because you had a two-minute conversation with him does not mean that he's gonna be sober like you're kidding me that was the best conversation ever wow we went somehow we had to talk oh did you darling what happened wow a turn thought he was like doing like drugs and stuff so i was like no more drugs oh that's it yeah i promise to be better well you've seen Beverly Hills right because that's been going on for five years you know she hit in a bathroom here saying the same thing's dying it's like you're marrying a Kim Richards without a trust fund she's like mm-hmm how'd be fine i can't install drinks sometimes no darling it's not what addiction is oh god she's like it's fine i'm drug testing him oh my god lisa's face when she said that she goes darling alexa liars how do you know he's telling you the truth she's like my god i forgot a p-tost and then i'm like yes a piano i'll be like you're out of here i don't pay enough and lisa's face i mean shina actually came up with something that i don't think lisa's ever heard before i know so you can have that darling putting that in max's toilet yeah max is definitely not gonna work either i don't think it's gonna work and then she has rules she's like okay if it hits positive your problem if it hits negative you've had marijuana it's okay but then if it comes up with an h and you did heroin i'm gonna be mad it's like there's no h on that it's a pregnancy stick telling she's like um you totally get a pass from marijuana i'm like you're enabling him you are terrible you're the worst she knows like people called marijuana a gateway drug shina is a gateway wife it's like you marry shina you think you're gonna have a couple glasses of one a day and suddenly you're hooked on heroin she's like what it's not big here okay heroin stop talking now what i mean yeah oh shina i'm so bad worried and again it's one of those things where she's so gd wrong but at the same time i'm like i kind of get what she means yeah i don't necessarily want to date someone completely sober either you know i would i just want to say it on camera after the big intervention yeah i don't think she even understands really what alcoholism means and Azusa is just called commitment you know she's like i'm gonna check the wikipedia page later but i think it's okay to drink drink doesn't even come up on the test unless you're pregnant so bad good commit to me you like my dad commits to booze or whatever could you know Azusa is just a totally different thing i want as much attention as you give me oxy oh not the same darling oxy it's a personality or at least it explains resumes okay so this this scene hilarious i'm actually sad that this storyline isn't going to work out because i was really hoping hoping i'm talking like shina i was really hoping that this Arkansas girl Brittany yeah was going to be coming to the show full-time because she's amazing although i heard um maybe it was on amy phillips reality check show that they're still together oh they are i think if you do some instagram searching i think i heard this maybe not lasting maybe the week before that i think they're still together so maybe we'll keep seeing her through the season i can't go on instagram because i get lost in everyone's fake lives and i'm like oh yolanda today yolanda's was like look at this beautiful sunset some days you need to wake up and tell yourself i am more important than Bella like oh great meme geez great meme yo yo or yo what did i call her yo-fo um okay i'm officially not even concentrating anymore i'm i'm looking around the ashtray okay hold on least explains resumes okay so this is good so this girl shows up in the exact same things she wore last time but floral which i guess makes it more formal yeah can't ask flyers this time that's what you do when people die married yeah and Lisa says i have to ask you again and jacks is of course sitting in because this is a job interview and that's what you do like your boyfriend sits in the watches uh Lisa says i have to ask you again darling did you bring a resume she's like i forgot that i should remember that i forgot he you i couldn't find a pen all right then darling you're in your underwear again and those are non-union underwear so just tell me right now where have you went off the top of your head she's like here it is so it's laughing and then lisa acts like she's looking down on that who do you think you're high and over here you're not hiring people for their intellect here get out of here at least they work at hooters oh yeah those waitresses show up without a dj stand you know it's a hard job i'm only showing up to hooters if i can dj behind the place where we defrost the bread my gosh james head on back to the pizza oven buddy yeah just hit play on itunes lisa explains resumes it's a list of places that you've been darling and then jack says her looks are her resume enough said jesus christ jack's perfect darling um i much prefer that oh i wonder if it's perfect darling i much prefer that word to breasts that file word okay lisa no resume is a gift oh yeah because lisa didn't have to take her so she's like thank god she's an idiot darling didn't bring you resume so i can just say no but then she didn't even say anything about the resume she's like you've had jacks inside of you so no i know eventually you're going to be coming down with headaches rashes and people are going to start complaining of food poisoning every time you're the one who pulls their water telling can't work here can't work here jacks is airborne telling it's true though that's the resume jacks so you're not hired goodbye i know and it must be so crushing to move to hollywood when you feel like you've met a star and everything is about to change you know it's like i met a guy and he's taken me to los angeles and now i'm gonna be yep still a whore i mean in a better neighborhood probably then the hooters was in but yeah the school of hard knockers darling all right um perfect darling how much blah blah lisa no resume she man shay okay we already talked about this but this was amazing when they're having the romantic dinner yeah i'm gonna get a table one day oh this is so depressing he's like can we get a table made out of a mirror that sounds perfect we can watch ourselves eat spaghetti i can see myself at all times i can see while you're snorting a half a pill okay that way it's not drugs it doesn't count if i'm watching exactly if it's not a full pill then it's fine okay so we've basically already do what did you do at your mom's this a conversation what you do your mom's house she's trying to be really positive like welcome home look it's special because we have caprisons so she's trying to make this like super romantic and he's like well i mean i was at my mom's house and then once she was out of those tiny little um those tiny little donut balls from cusco's like oh i gotta go back so you know look i just you scare me she's like what he means like you're intimidating there i said it she's like oh and then she just stayed quiet and smiled like like i'm not talking and you could see the words like hitting the back of her porcelain teeth really hard trying to be quiet funny i just want to complain so much right now and make this about me what did you want to say about me i never would have liked even if i said down so that was pretty much it basically she's life is a mess lisa lisa's best advice ever and she said something about lala today that i forgot it's all be sure to love lala fabulous dammit what does she say to lala hello lala oh god i've still said don't be meant to lala three times a day and i need to see when she like and james start dating i saw her two times ago when i was there so she's actually there and i think she's first season so she still has to work that's amazing we have to go get drinks there soon let's do it i feel like such a dope in there having drinks because my attitude is like you know i look like that i'm like that guy and the the place where you sit to have the drinks they'll lounge i guess they're trying to do kind of a midway morocco thing where you're not sitting on because a morocco you'll sit on the ground you know but it's not a it's not a ground seat but it's only a foot tall so you're basically squatting the whole time you're there no i once was passing through the parking lot like walk around to the other like mass where people can actually park and christen was out there like face timing and smoking a cigarette and i almost had a heart attack that's like the type of siding i want like a ridiculous one the shit they really do yes um i like seeing them out in the real world and stuff oh can't wait for that moment you'll have it come on down well i don't think they're going to be going to the bar by my house anymore because they used to go to serley goat all the time but now jack said it on tv so i don't think they'll be going there anymore they have to find anyone we'll find them we will want to go to the goat let's meet at the goat yeah let's meet at the goat it's like just a pub stupid any who is all everybody julia this was amazing this was so fun this was a good first date let's have a second yes definitely when you want to do it tell me now tell me now any any time julia so good talking to you let's get drinks soon yes please happy thanksgiving my darling thanksgiving i'll talk to you soon have a great one over there we'll talk later bye and that'll do it for today love you guys thank you to julia and to my beautiful katie everyone's wonderful thanksgiving hugs texture is the app that gives you an all-access pass to the world's best magazines right on your phone or tablet to sign up go to texture.com/crapins if you like watch what crapins you can listen ad-free right now by joining wendry plus in the wendry app or on apple podcast prime members can listen ad-free on amazon music before you go tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey at wendry.com/survey have you ever wondered who created that bottle of sriracha that's living in your fridge or why nearly every house in america has at least one game of monopoly introducing 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