Audible's best of 2024 picks are here. From memoirs and sci-fi to mysteries and thrillers, Audible's curated list in every category is the best way to hear 2024's best in audio entertainment. Like a stunning new full cast production of George Orwell's 1984. And first of all, Everett's brilliantly subversive James. Audible, there's more to imagine when you listen. I actually am really excited to hear George Orwell's 1984 again, because last time I read that was back in, I don't know, middle school or something like that. And the world has changed so much with technology and everything like that. I feel like now is the perfect time to revisit and listen to it on Audible. Especially when it's told by a full cast like that, like it's a full production, it's going to be like a radio play, you know? That's major. Go to Audible.com/crapins and discover all the years best waiting for you. That's Audible.com/crapins. Is it just me or is TV gotten really complicated? Thankfully, Fylo has changed that for me. One service, all the stuff I need. Fylo's got current seasons of the shows I can't miss. Live on networks like A&E, Paramount, Discovery and TLC. Classics like The Office, Martin and Friends that I never get sick of, and all the incredible originals on AMC+ from Mad Men Hello to Orphan Black. And don't forget their library of more than 75,000 movies and shows, all of which I can save and re-watch anytime for a whole year. Never miss a minute of shows like The Golden Girls. You know I'm always watching The Golden Girls and Fylo has it. Best of all, with Fylo, you get all of this for just $28 a month. No contract, no hassles. Just one subscription and a world of entertainment. So go to Fylo.tv and check it out for a free seven-day trial. That's P-H-I-L-O dot TV to start watching. [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] Hey everyone, welcome to Watch What Crap Is. It's a podcast all about all the crap on Bravo that we just love to watch. And if you love Bravo, then how lucky are you right now. That was my impersonation of Caroline Fleming. And we'll probably have many more impersonations between me, Ben Mandelker. I'm from bsetblog.com and the banter blender. And the wonderful, beautiful, hilarious and much more talented with the impersonation Z. Ronnie Karam from trash.tv.com. More talented than who, you? Oh my god. My impersonation is our disaster. Ben, we're equally as terrible. Oh no, yours are much funnier. Yours are much, much funnier than mine are. Thank you, and not funnier. Maybe because you're you and I'm me, so. We can life at each other. How lucky are we? Oh, and I have basil too, so I can make pasta. So I'm double lucky. How double lucky am I? I hope you have some Himalayan pink selfies. The most important ingredient to life. The kindest thing you could do for yourself would be to take my advice about pink Himalayan sea salt, which I don't even know how that works. If it's a sea salt, in the Himalayan. The world will thank you. You will thank you. That is the joy of life, is finding an entire sea up in the mountains. It's called a glacier. So anyway, wow, we are ready to go. So here's the deal. Here is the fun deal. Watch our Crap-ins.com is a website that Ronnie has been judiciously building and how lucky are we to have this website. And it's still it's not done, but it's really going to be where you can go to find a feed of our our episodes. It's a place where you can see our vine stuff, but you can find all our social media links. It's really a one-stop destination, or it will be for all things. Watch our Crap-ins. Yeah, you'll be able to go watch the vines right there on the page. You don't have to be clicking all around everybody. It'll be all of our content. Yeah, and there's going to be some cool stuff. Ronnie's working on some stuff to integrate things from Facebook and yada yada yada. But in the meantime, you can also of course come to our Facebook page, which is essentially like our version of forms, right, like website forms. This is facebook.com/watchmorecrap-ins. So much stuff on there. It is one of the best places on the internet, I believe, to find Bravo Gossip. Because everyone there is like Megan King had bins and it's in pursuit of knowledge and truth and justice. So everyone, anytime anyone sees anything remotely concerning Bravo, they post it there. It is just like a giant news feed, super fun. And people write the funniest comments. Lots of good stuff there too. Our own gift library. It is our own gift. Bad news, man. Facebook's down. All right, before Christmas, no terrible. Don't worry, they're already all pulled. Bad news, man. There's so many social media sites out there. I don't know where to get my Bravo Gossip. But the other thing is, this is really exciting, for us at least, is that on Patreon. So we always talk about Patreon. Every single episode, we say come to Patreon and support us. You know, we have a bonus episode, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Well, we just added a new thing. We added a new thing on Patreon right before this podcast even happened. Like it's fresh off the finger presses. Just type dot. How lucky are you to be hearing about us? So we added a new tier. Well, we sort of downgraded it to your and added a new tier. So now ringtones previously were if you subscribe $5 per episode, you could get all these ringtones that are really fun. Like Valentina, Valentina, things like that. That is now, ringtones are now $3. And now at the $5 level, you get everything else. You get the bonus episode, you get the ringtones, you get the monthly hangout. But you also get to submit questions that we will read on the air. It's like that it's like you're a mailbag. So right now, I think we can be whatever you want. Yeah, we're figuring out a little bit of how we're going to like what sort of way you can ask the questions. I think we'll probably open up a thread on Patreon. I think we can do that. But Ronnie is talking about voice mail, setting up a voicemail system where you can actually call in and we'll play your voicemail on the air. Yes, I think that would be so much fun to hear people actually saying their shit because you know people will be like, "I have a question. Tamara, you dumb bitch." Yeah, you know it's going to be like that. It's going to be amazing. It will be great. So we're actually really excited about that because we're excited to hear the questions and to answer the questions. And it's just more content that we can generate on the podcast. So if you're interested in subscribing or if you just want to get the bonus episode, bonus episode is a dollar per episode. You get a bonus episode, really fun stuff. This week we talked about crazy ex-girlfriend on the CW and we talked about McDonald's and sometimes we talked about Bravo Gossip. So I know I am pimping out a Patreon like crazy, but I just want to make sure everyone understands what you can get on there. That it's not just us asking for money. It's that we actually are turning out a lot more content outside of just this podcast. And it really helps us because there's a lot of stuff that goes into this podcast beyond us just sitting here yapping away. I mean, I got to buy coffee. I mean, you got to keep your Tiago flowing through those things. I mean, those think thin bars don't just buy themselves. Those accent tapes, I get it. The Samuel French drama bookstore ain't shape everybody. They still don't sell those on Amazon. I know. And by the way, the last thing I'm going to say about Patreon is that whatever tier you donate at, you get everything below it. So if you are like our super wonderful, super sponsor, Jessica, Jessica gets access to everything below her because she's at the top tier. You know, if you donate for the ringtones, you'll get the ringtones, you'll get the hangouts, you'll get the bonus episodes, but you won't be able to submit a question. Yeah, you can like check out your services and pick what you want. All a cart? Oh, go the Netflix red and get it all. Let's get it all. All right, let's move on to this. I'm so sorry, everyone. I hate filling up this intro with all that business, but you know what? These are the lessons we learned about the gift from the gift library. If you don't go for that money, you're going to fire everyone. Exactly. I'll be laying on a duvet. I'll be lying down on a duvet. This is the noise of me crumpling at Pauline's candy wrappers and throwing them on the floor. Get out. I have messy hair. You can tell I'm really upset about it. That's why we're going to make watch what crappins.com, so we can actually make this shorter. We'll just be able to say, "Do you want bonus episodes and ringtones and shit?" Go over to watch what crappins.com and find out how. Bye, next virtual wire. Yeah, so anyway, this episode, aside from it being a three-hour fundraiser, it's all we're going to talk about. We're going to talk about Ladies of London and Below Deck, both episodes. Super highly, super, super, super, so good. And if we were really going to do the PBS route, we should do public bravo, whatever, with public broadcasting company. No, but what does PBS mean? Public broadcasting company. That's PBC. Public broadcasting station. Yeah, I never thought of that before. PBS, I'm looking up right now. PBS systems, I think. Systems. But we would be public bravo systems. Public broadcasting service. Public broadcasting service. It's a service. This is like when Isaac Mizrahi was on like Home Shopping Network or whatever, and he didn't know if the sun was a star or a planet. That's what we are doing right now. What is the last step that you are? I have a lot of those moments on this show. But yeah, since we're going to go the whole PBS route, we should just have Pavarotti come in here. Let his ass in here every once in a while. He'd be like, "I'm so... I owe you nothing. I'll show you nothing." And then right before we get into something really, really good that everyone wants to hear about, we'll go away for 90 seconds to have a commercial for Norwegian River cruises. And then when we come back, we'll have like a phone bank in Cindy C on the case right there. We'll be like, "Just got to call. Just got to call." And then a really wealthy lady with short hair will come on because she's paid the most, and so her prize for paying the most that she gets to appear on PBS, and she will say, "Thank you for supporting Ben and Ronnie. It's because of listeners like you that keep this podcast alive. Please join me, won't you, as we listen to the next episode." Do you all have phones? I love phones. Look at all these phones behind me. People are calling them. Pick up your phone. Call on the phone. Call us on the phone. And then Laura Lenny shows up, and then she gives it a little like backstory on the episode. And you're like, "Oh my God, she really has good hair and makeup in the movies. What are they doing to Laura Lenny public broadcasting service?" I like to have a budget. Donate call us. Call us. Laura Lenny looks like shit in this lighting. Get her better lighting. Call us. And then she'll say, "The year is 2015. Two men, Ben and Ronnie, are sitting on Skype about to podcast." The topic, "Ladies at London and below deck. One about women in London. One about yachts. What do these have to say about modern society?" That's what we'll find out. I'll be like, "God, that Laura Lenny sure seems like a boring bitch." He says, "Get the stick out of your ass. Someone get her some Adderall." Lads of lungs. Well, I'm glad. I just want to say you're welcome everyone. I just elevated this podcast. Masterpiece Theater. We're all sophisticated now. We are all sophisticated. Or we just completely drive Laura Lenny into pure shit. Depending on your positivity outlook for the day. Oh, Laura Lenny, come on the show. Come on, come on. So today, this sound mix on the show, I download these online. And since I'd like to keep my doors open, I have to shut my door. I mean, I have to wear headphones to listen. And sometimes the mixes are bad. And on this one, I had a steady "boo" in my earbuds. And I also noticed in the opening song, "Dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum." Poison. Yeah. There's this for everything that was, every T sound is like, right in my ear. And I was like, "Wow, this song's really jammin." And then it ended up being the episode of the, with Julie going, "Shoot, Ting." I was like, "This is all ties together in such a beautiful way." Episode of the, that's right. We are now dissecting the phonics. This is the episode they've just been called. Well, I was laughing because the opening montage, generic music, was some silly song that was like, "Don't be at home, go out in life. Don't be at home, get out in life." I actually wrote the lyrics down because I was dying. First off, whoever's doing the music on this show, you are out doing yourself. You are so fucking talented and so amazing. Every little turn, I mean, they will probably run about it. It's probably one of the members through the whole episode. I'm warning you right now because... I'm just gonna guess that whoever is the music director of the show was probably one of the guys from Right Said Fred. That's what I'm gonna say. The way that they're making everything funnier with the music and then changing it and they're doing such a great job. You know, the rest of you on Bravo Network, take note before this show is canceled. Alan Lazar, we're looking at you. No, not him. It's the people, well, you know, he's amazing. [Laughing] Back when there was art. Back when Bravo used to play music. Back when iTunes wasn't a thing for music to be taken downloaded from. Yeah, now it's just like done, done, done, done. That garage band loop over and over. Yeah, exactly. Alan Lazar knew his way around the vibraphone. Yeah, whoever's doing this is a fucking Broadway composer. Like, some of this stuff was really good. So anyway, the first song is... Alan Langton. ♪ Best friends forever ♪ ♪ Best friends forever ♪ ♪ Girls, girls, best friends ♪ And then it would cut to the ladies, like, getting ready or whatever. And then the lyrics would match whatever they're doing. And then the funniest, funniest fucking way. It's like... ♪ We best friends ♪ ♪ You do what you do ♪ Flemming, making dough with her hands. [Laughing] And I love, by the way, the song is so upbeat. Like, done, done, done. ♪ Best friends ♪ ♪ Best friends doing things ♪ And when it cuts to Flemming, she's like, Himalayan sea salt is one of life's most important ingredients. [Laughing] [Laughing] ♪ I can count on you ♪ And then the "I Can Count on You" part is for Annabelle. The music just stops dead. And I know it's a good, giant rifle. [Laughing] Yeah, children's book author/rifle connoisseur. [Laughing] ♪ Best friends forever ♪ ♪ Girl, I love you so much ♪ And then it cuts to Caroline Stanbury just staring at herself in the mirror and smiling, like she's her best friend. So, good. How lucky are we to have music to make commentary about our Himalayan sea salt? [Laughing] Sometimes you need to appreciate the art and the crap. That music is it. Died. So good. Marissa's husband trying to teach the kid not to be American. He's like, "No, it is pronounced Tomato." Tomato. ♪ Best friends forever ♪ And then I wrote in all caps. Best opening of all time. [Laughing] My caps lock was on for Himalayan sea salt as one of life's most important ingredients. I actually had to rewind because I was like, "Wait a second. Did she just say something?" [Laughing] I had to rewind the ketchup and I was dying. Well, you know, I put it up there. I put like important ingredients, probably like water, flour, protein, and Himalayan sea salt. [Laughing] None of that crappy. Any other sea salt. Just Himalayan sea salt. And it's pink. Wasn't it pink? Yeah, it's pink. Himalayan sea. Yeah, it sounds totally natural, flams. Yeah. It's like where you need to counteract the germs you're getting into the food from the fingernail gunk that you're getting into the dough that you're making with your hands right now. How lucky are you? How lucky are we that I have five whole bottles of Himalayan sea salt on my dining room table bookcase? [Laughing] So today's episode was all about shooting. Shooting. Shooting. Which I love. Shooting. I love, Julie was organizing the shooting weekend. Yes, she was she wanted. All of a sudden she wanted to get in touch with her aristocratic roots. You know, this is the yoga, job pedaling, you know, bicycle pedaling lady. And now all of a sudden she's like, "I want to show everyone what it being aristocrats all alike." [Laughing] Shooting began with the aristocracy and I or the aristocracy and I'm-- She tried to know aristocracy. I think she would say aristocracy. She probably would. That's what I learned. I learned I'm a public broadcasting company. [Laughing] Aristocracy. [Laughing] And I married into it. I don't know, I've just put pronouncing T's too hard. Is this my headphones? And also it's kind of like when you talk to anybody from another country and you're like, "Hi, do you know where the bath is?" Like they're not death, okay? And she doesn't shout at them. She just pronounces her T's even harder if there's somebody English around. She's like, "Hello, Taylor! It is us looking for something to wear to our shooting trip." She's like, "What's that?" [Laughing] "What are you doing now?" Shooting. Shooting. Well, I love that. So she and Sophie and Juliet went. They did go shopping for outfits. And when I loved-- I loved Sophie just discussing what she'd be wearing. She's like, "Oh, there are jeans, hunters, sheepskin jacket, which is brown and a tweed cap." And it wasn't even a punch line there. I just liked listening to her list things off. I also love her accent because it's a little different than everyone else's. She does kind of that thing from the '50s and '60s in American TV, where they pronounce things like these. No, but she doesn't like British version. She's like, "Did she think it's a treat?" Like she has to be okay. You've now made her fully Norwegian. I know. It's not that tone of her voice, but she does something. I just wrote that. No, I know what you're saying. I know it's like that arch. It's that arch way of talking. I just-- What I love is that she, when she talks, the implication is, "I'm telling you something, and if you don't listen, you were absolutely wrong." So when she's like, "And I wear a sheepskin jacket, which is brown, so don't even think about getting anything that's not brown. It has to be brown." And if you don't, you're just simply a fool. Everything just sort of comes off in that way. I love it. And that-- Yeah, and she's just shined. They're like, "Okay, we need some British rules. Sophie, get in here." She's like, "All right. What can I do?" Yeah, pull you. That's exactly it. And then when she's talking about it, and dressing up, she's like, "Well, it's a very civilized pursuit, and you have to look the pot." And then you've got an erotic jule on the other side. Am I going to pull this off? I'm having an evening healthy and doing yoga. Doesn't fit the aggressor. So we're at my Patagonia vest. Does Patagonia work with this? Is that what I should do? I just don't know. I don't know. Like, hunting is so hard. I don't want to be defined as a lady, but I am a lady, and I want them to respect me as a lady. So, I mean, I need to be more lady-like. What should I do to be more of a lady? I just want to generate more goodwill when I go hunting. Like, I want to have goodwill hunting. Oh, my God. That's like, I love that movie. That's such a sign. That's crazy. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Many drivers British. So it's all sort of like one big thing. It's like, "Oh, oh, my God. I have to sit down." Sometimes you take one mold, and you're like, "I'm not that mold." And then you take another mold. You're like, "I'm not that mold, but I kind of like it." Oh, my God. I made that bun cake in the angel food cake mold. And now everything's like all messed up. Things didn't cook out right. Oh, my God. I'm going to burn the hot chocolate again. Like, I just, I don't know how there's so many molds, and there's mold on the mold. I don't know. My kids hate me, and they're probably going to get taken away from all this mold. Oh, I can't do anything right. So she's worrying about the perfect hunting hat. Yeah, Fleming and Marissa comes up because, of course, Juliet's there. She's like, "Hey, Matt, yeah, I love shooting. I love shooting." Because that's how she's learning to say it from Julie. "Hey guys, you want to go shooting? Isn't it fun to just like not have any drama, or do you think about Fleming and Marissa?" I know. Well, I love that one before they even started talking about the drama of the last night. They sort of just circle around. And like, oh, last night was fun. And so he's like, "Yes, bowling was hysterical." It was so crazy. That ridiculous American pass on. What a funny, stupid thing you made us do. Remember when we got that around, and saw all those balls crash things to the ground. How American? I mean, throwing a ball on the floor and watching it roll away from you and knocking things over. I mean, it's just so stupid. It was what a hysterical night. Thank you so much again, Julie, if you've been ridiculous enough to celebrate America. I mean, only America wants to just knock things down, you know, like good taste and sophistication. Knock it down. You saw silly pins. I saw Middle Eastern countries toppled for no reason. Well done, America. What a fun game. You know what I see? When I see those pins, it's like, "Oh, look, there are nine pillars of good taste." And you just go and knock them all down, like a good American. It's hysterical. Absolutely hysterical. Thank you again, Julie. While wearing a terrible wig. Could that have been more American? At least when we put on wigs, we put some powder in them to make them smell nice. And I just love the difference between drug Sophie and Sophie. And every time she comes on, I'm like, "Someone, get this bitch a drunk." I don't care if you have to inject her with a little alcohol into her butt cheek. Do something because I need it. I need that in my life. And later, we get a nice shot of her taking a shot. And I was like, "Here she comes, boys." Like, "Bad news, Mum. Bad news, we had a shot. We're all going to die, Mum." All right, that's all right. Have Paulina block the glass window, darling. Pauline, stand in front of the glass door. Picked down the twix. Someone cleared the twix. Valentina gets a poncho. Sophie throw up on Valentina. Very good. Oh, so the Juliet is like, "Ah, it's not great having peas." But, you know, maybe you want to talk about Fleming. Oh, she's going to kill Marissa. 'Cause Marissa called her a town molester. Let's talk about it. Julie's like, "What?" Yeah, she's like, "This was my shooting. My shooting." I just want the weekend to go well. And Sophie's just like, "It was a lovely evening and there was no drama. The end." I know you'd like me to gossip now. My answer is no. Thank you for inviting me to the hat store. Unless you suddenly get some taste and become British, there will be no gossip for you. You stupid American. Real, real, I'll keep wanting to try and say aristocracy. Real aristocracy. Real aristocrats don't gossip with women wearing Mickey Mouse shirts. You'll never see an aristocrat stop by a goldfish bowl and gossip with it. It's there for our amusement. Maybe if you wipe the Burger King sauce off your mouth, then I'd gossip with you. I don't know if the gossip I have for you has enough chemicals and fake ingredients for an American shoot completely digested. I don't know. Maybe I'll have to take off the Fanny pack before we can have a real discussion around. Yeah. I can't talk to you with that scrunchie on your head. How about you take off the kids and then we'll talk? Julie just wants to talk into Lee. Well, we don't have to worry about someone getting shot, right? Like Bambi. So then elsewhere in Chelsea, the Carol Islands have convened. And gets flowers five minutes before Stambi shows up. Isn't that lucky? Like, wow, you just happened to get a six foot tall bouquet of flowers, five minutes before Stambi showed up for your door. Get the fuck out of here. That card is so from your maid, who's still upstairs trying to figure out where the shoe bag is. Have you ever seen something more poetic than this poem? Caroline's like, well, you know, Shakespeare was a human. So he did poop and make a bathy pants as well. So I suppose he had his moments all over this card. Well, I like that Caroline Stambi was like, well, you know, I hope you don't break up next week. Bad joke. Caroline Flumey's covering up the hickey on her neck with her hair. Bad joke. Meanwhile, you know that Caroline Stambi in her head was saying, great joke, great joke. Valentina Latha, my joke. Pauline, you too. Set a, uh, Siri, set a timer for 10 minutes and in 10 minutes, please play Pauline's laughter. Lauda, louder. He's a bit younger than I stand rings right after. What does that mean? Oh, uh, we got similar souls. Oh, yeah, she's like, he's quite younger than I, but we've got similar souls. And what I'd mean by that is that we both have plantawat on the bottom of our feet. Very similar souls. Both of our souls could use a pedicure, but neither need them. Do you understand how lucky are our souls? Sometimes when our souls are feeling cold, we both put on socks. It's like a soul hug. How lucky are our seats. Have you ever considered art support? It would be good for your soul. The kindest thing you could ever do for your soul would be to make an appointment with Dr. Shawl and get some support. Or just have a maid taken off with him latency, so I think I mean, it's plenty extra. Who's going to use all that? I mean, and they cut, they cross cut this scene with Marissa. And her fucking adorable dream husband. Who gets a husband like that, bitch? What did you do? How did you, yes, you're cute and everything too, Marissa, in your way, but. And you're a duck, she sort of has a ducky charm to her, you know? She does, she's cute. But her, she's sort of like webby from DuckTales. I didn't watch DuckTales. I was like, they all look the same. Racist, a good duckist. Like these ducks have no originality. They're like, here's the nerdy duck. I was like, pass. I feel bad. Jenny, fam is calling from Germany right now, but I'm not going to take the call. Oh, she should be good enough of a friend to know that you're busy on a Thursday at one forty two. She should know, I don't care if it's 10, forty two p.m. in Germany. We're in America. She should be at American time. Marissa, it tails. Oh, yeah. So that we're cutting between Marissa and her fucking perfect husband. Yeah. And he's just laughing. She's like, honey, I put my foot in air. I mean, I guess I said something dumb. Oh, you silly, silly American wife. And meanwhile, I love that when they cut back to the carolines. Now they're sitting on Caroline Fleming's bed. Caroline, uh, Sand'sbury is sipping soup out of the world's most shallow bowl. It's like, it looks like a saucer. It looks like there's like a little puddle of soup with this tiny little spoon. Of course, Caroline Fleming would have the most whimsical soup set available. And, and then Caroline Fleming is being whimsical and twee in her own way sucking on a lollipop with a, with a bunny bucket full of lollipops at her foot on the bed. The most important thing you can do, the kind of thing you could do, is find an adorable bucket full, full of lollipops and still to your friend while she eats her little, her tiny portion of soup. This is so good. And she's wearing, Caroline, Sandbury is wearing a very high collar, like buttoned up collar. So she's like, you know, the opening of cheers then back in the day. And then the other Caroline has like a, the bucket of lollipops and like reading glasses or something and, and her PJs are like, "Nothing says girl, you know, girl power, like soup in bed with a high collar, watching a grown woman try and pretend that lollipops are like, not charming, charming, a charming callback to, uh, touch childhood." Um, well, so, so we were, as you were saying, we were cutting back and forth, uh, between Marissa and the Caroline's, and what we found out was, you know, Marissa's retelling the story. She's like, "Well, I'm, you know, I, I may have said that I thought that she was a child ballista as a cool girl." Uh, and then, uh, and Matt is her, I think her new husband's name is Matt. And he's like, "Oh, silly Marissa." And, uh, and it gets worse and worse. She's like, "Yeah, well, I said I didn't want her to ever come to our home." And he's like, "Why darling?" Because we have little boys and she molests them. And he's like, "Oh, oh, oh, oh." Like, laughing less and less. It was so good. Yeah, and then meanwhile, over at Caroline's place, you know, one, the thing I love about Caroline Fleming is that, and we mentioned this last week, for all her whimsical perspectives on things and, and the fact that she loves hugging people's souls and pink Himalayan sea salt, she's down my bitch. Because she's like, "That doesn't make her that appealing to me. I must say." And I was like, "Ooh, what a nasty way to put down Marissa. I love it." We got a lovely overview of Fleming today. I mean, it came out today. It was great. Normally, people hold that in. And today, we really saw the spoiled little fucking boarding school fucker. I loved it. I loved every second of it. And I'm on her side. I was gonna say later later. Oh, they're all ridiculous, but, you know. I'm on her side too, but she, well, we'll get to that when we get to the fight. None. Why blow our load? Why, it's just a low blow. Well, so we get the first binkling of the fight. Because as Marissa... It's very important in a relationship. It's like, if you don't have trust, it's like adding non-pink, non-himalayan sea salt into the wound. In the pot, that is the dinner of life. Without trust, you've only got a bucket full of Himalayan pink sea salt. It's just like that terrible, crappy American rock salt that you use to make vanilla ice cream. So, as Marissa's telling the story of Matt, we learn a new facet. Which is that she's like, "Well, I guess that maybe my anger was misdirected at Marissa at Caroline because who was really angry at is her boyfriend because we were all hanging out and he pushed me out of a limo." And we're like, "What?" Yeah, he got annoyed with her, I guess, and pushed her out of the limo, or the cab, and then drove away without her. And we saw a clip of it happening, right? Yeah, at some point, we saw kind of like a very disorganized clip where they're all hanging out. You see Caroline being like, "All right, well, it's how lucky am I that I get to leave this party now. I'm gonna leave," and she leaves, and then Marissa leaves, and then almost like she gets a cell phone with a ringer, like, "Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, but don't, don't, don't." Oh, hello, darling. Hello. Like a youthful, then. And then we just see the car drive away, and like some... Marissa says something, but nothing damning either way, I would say, right? It was too fast, and I was too... I was like, "You are not slow mowing that, you queen. No, you're not gonna do it. Move on." But yeah, she's like, "I'm only, like, threw me out," and then I was left on the street, like a common peasant. And yeah, so she was upset, and then it turns out that she's... Maybe we knew this already, but I forget things. She is best, well, friends, because she kept stopping herself from saying best friends, so she's friends with Matt's... She's friends with her husband's brother's wife. So the husband and the brother, no way. The husband is... Her husband is best friends with Caroline Fleming's brother-in-law, aka the man who married Caroline's sister. So as a result, Marissa has become friends with Caroline's sister, and the degree of their friendship was changing over the course of the episode. Sometimes they were really close, sometimes they were just friends, but... Their husbands are besties, so they take trips together, basically. And they're like, "Hi, how are you?" Lovely darling, wonderful to see you. "How are you, too?" Yeah, that's friends, I mean. Right, and so... But what we learned later in the episode is that Caroline Fleming does not necessarily have a tight relationship with her sister. So anyway, but the point is this. We learned that there was more to those snarky remarks that we saw last week. Last week, we just thought they were just stupid little comments, but now we learned that they were actually passive aggressive, because she was mad at the boyfriend for kicking her out of the cab. And also, she knows that... She's friends with the sister who thinks that Fleming's kind of a bitch. And so, of course, she thinks she knows the true Fleming. Like, she knows all the shit. All the stuff that we're seeing this pink Himalayan blaribla. Marissa knows the really thick eye makeup. Drew Barry Moore, the child Hollywood party, ready to cut somebody when she's on coke. She knows that chick. So she's, of course, when she goes after her for the whole Cougar stuff and is making fun of her relentlessly, she's actually giving shit to somebody on purpose that she knows because she kind of doesn't like her. So she was being caddy. So Marissa, like, coming back and pretending it's because she got kicked out of a cab, well, this bitch probably has never liked you in the first place. And, of course, she's going to kick you out of the cab. But Marissa's stuck in a hard place because Marissa is the biggest social climber. Maybe next to Julie, yeah. It's hard to say who's bigger. And Caroline... She's closer with the ones that are not cut off, you see, or not cut off. But either way, though. Either way, Caroline still has a higher station in life than Marissa. And so she is trying to juggle probably the information that she knows with her ceaseless desire to ascend the London social scene. Yeah, and so now she's in a pickle. That's why she's like, "Oh, maybe I should apologize." And apparently she said that she did co-opologize, but it wasn't really settled. Because, of course, it wouldn't be settled. Because she immediately called and talked shit with the sister who then told the parents who then called... Yes. Yeah. So good, though. Like, how old are you, bitches? I know. It's still like, "You told Mummy and Daddy, now I've got trouble with Mummy and Daddy. You're not cool." So then we go to the country. "I love it, I love it." Yeah, the country. "We're driving in the country." Julie, and I'm about pretty cool. I mean, what I loved is like, you know, I was thinking like, as I pulled up this stately estate. Annabelle must have just been having a total wet dream, you know. It's like old, you know, old portraits of old men and hunting dogs and springer spaniels and people dressed in dark green earth colors. She's like, "Rock and roll." And you know, she fucked her first dude behind a tree at that estate. She was, they were friends when they were teenagers. So you know, they party. She's like, "Yeah, I know, I'm friends with her husband. He's a good lead." I'm like, "Yeah, I bet he is." It's like I still got part of his DNA inside me, according to science. So, you know, I mean, I feel what he's feeling. So, he's calling me, got to go behind the bush. I'm going through the maze. Well, what I loved is there was like an extended scene of Julie not being able to figure out how to turn off her car. She's like, "Wait, no, do I turn off now? I don't want the nation, but this is still powering down. Do I, wait, no, oh, no, I don't, I forgot my wallet." And that's when I realized... I don't want it to start running without ruining the environment. I don't want to turn it off for the ballet guy. That would be rude, but a lady would do that. But I don't know if that kind of lady... What mode do I use? You know what I realized? Because we were talking about this movie just the other day. She's essentially Lily Tomlin from Big Business. City, Lily Tomlin. You know, like remember the scene of Rose? She's the, she's City Rose. You remember when she asked to, in the beginning of the movie, she's like at like a, like a little meeting and she's like, she's like, "I don't know. I, I like this company. I just, I just feel like, you know, the people, whatever," and then her like shoulder pad falls down to her elbow. Like that is what would happen to Julie. I'm surprised she was not, did not have shoulder pads in. And I'm surprised one of them did not fall out while she was speaking to her investors last week. You know, with like a brand muffin in her teeth. Yes. And Carolyn Sandberry is totally bad middler. That is such a perfect way to play her. She's totally like, all right. Get that brand muffin off. This is how we come to the office. So you look like a blood cloth. Oh, you all look like my wallet. Julie up in your room, wafting through a field of A-class now. Look at that man playing the bongo things on the street. Oh, that's amazing. Never seen anything like this. Would you like to complain in a state while people eat sandwiches? Well, I feel like Sadie Radcliffe is probably Julie at, right? Because I feel like, I feel like I can imagine Juliet like pumping milk from a cow at a country fair, but wanting something better for herself. And she's, yeah, because the other option would probably be Marissa. But Marissa's got too much of an edge to her. Julia's got that like dumb innocence. Yeah. The city. Wow. London. There's a building here shaped like an egg. Yeah, because Marissa would never sing along with a steel drum band on the street, but Marissa would be like, [MUSIC] It's like Chicago. It's like Thanksgiving. It's like home. We see Yodel at home. We'd bring in a homeless street bongo player too. Oh, I'm going to undo my pants. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So does that make Annabelle city rose? I mean, country rose? No, Annabelle didn't one of them. Annabelle. Annabelle with somebody. Bette Midler was like having an affair with that rich swab. No, you know who Annabelle is? Like Annabelle. Annabelle is the short gay guy. Who wears the kimono? It's Bette. Oh, God, wasn't that like B.D. Wong? Or is that just a short gay guy in every movie now? Because I cannot unburn him from my brain. No, it's not B.D. Wong. Because you know, Edward Herman was the tall gay guy. And then he had his buddy. And there was a scene where a rune shows up by their door to sleep over. Oh my God. How many wet dreams did you have? A bad rune back in the day. A rune was so sexy. Oh, sexy. Oh my god. Yeah. No, I don't, we have to, I can't remember who else is on this show. But maybe Caroline, no, Caroline Fleming is. Caroline Fleming would be the Italian. I don't remember the Italian. Who's that? That's the one that Bette Miller has the affair with. Oh, yeah. I went to Yale with Jack. Oh, God, big business. I love you. Oh, by the way, since I mentioned B.D. Wong, and he has so much to do with Bravo, because they both start with bees. B.D. Wong, like he's in everything. And this is, this is how he acts in every single role. He's like, hello. Here is the information I need to get across in this scene. It's like when people make those YouTube videos and they put their voices through those like, typing processors, or like, it's reading what you're typing. That's him in every episode. And he's in that show, that newer show about the hackers and stuff. Oh, really? And in that, he's a transsexual mob boss or something. And he's like, even in that, he's like, the, the transsexual version of that voice. He's like, here is what we need to do to end the world. I'm like, oh, B.D. Wong, hear him, clear him. Clear him. I just like that they brought him back for Jurassic World. Valentina, dinosaur, left, of course, because they're like, who can get a side, concise information, and the most understandable way. Who is basically going to talk to us like Siri? And they're like, it's Siri. Yeah, they're like, yeah, bring him in. He's like, we took DNA from 10 different dinosaurs, including raptors and put them in here. Bye, I'm leaving on a helicopter, bye. Which is exactly what he did. Spoiler alert, he left on a helicopter. You will never fucking let Jurassic Park World go. That movie affected you like one of the first movies you've ever seen in your life. Well, it wasn't, it was not a great movie, but it's certainly fun to talk about. Listen, all right, if you're listening to this podcast, here's what you can expect. Many references to soap dish, big business, and any Jurassic Park World, anything that I can cram in there. All right, it's going to happen every single week. Just get used to it, all right? Valentina, welcome BD to the mix. Valentina, lock down the velociraptors. Pauline, get in the cage. Rainier, lower Pauline into the velociraptor. Someone start lowering the cage door, so we think she's going to die. All right, well done, well done. All right, yeah, from under the dinosaur's foot, who's killed Amber? Rainier, now you say that the velociraptors are trained, and they're going to work with us. Let's put this in the chest. Pauline, stand in front of the velociraptor. Stare it in the face, stare, stare. Be the dominant one, Pauline, Pauline, oh, Valentina. And it was mum. Velociraptors taking Pauline's waddle. Bad news, mum. All that's left is Pauline's poncho. Oh, great. This is, you know, if we can't escape in a giant bowl, darling. If we can't control the velociraptors, how are we supposed to keep the gift library in business? I mean, come on now. Amber, help Rainier shove Pauline into that giant escape bowl, darling. All right, Valentina, call Pauline and read the instructions on how to work, said bowl. Has anyone seen my children? Did the nannies put them in the ball also? OK, I'm sorry, doesn't show that they get back all right. Oh, here we are back at the welcome desk of Mapperton. Mapperton for the shooting. They're not in Mapperton. I think there were somewhere else. Were they in Mapperton? I think there were somewhere else. Oh, I thought they were at Mapperton. No, no, no, no, no. All right. Same at the end, don't they? I thought it was like Mapperton at night. She's like, oh my God, look at all these lights. Oh, the world is so hot in the world. We're not helping Mapperton. Now it's just in the dark. I'm a new business. It's that lady. You're like, oh, so it is in the dark. I serve my sandwich is at night. So I can. So I can raise money for Mapperton all day. And I was so funny describing Julie. She's like, I love Jules, but she's a mess. She's always panicking for someone who talks about breathing all the time. She never does. Yeah, you know, who else doesn't? Everybody else who talks about fucking yoga all the time. They're the most stressed out people in the world. Anyone who meditates every day is a fucking, they'll scream at you at the drop of a hat. They're barely holding on, darling. Yeah, no, it made me once again think back to season one when Julie was presented as this woman who was someone that they were all kind of aspiring to be friends with, because she was married to the future Earl of Sandwich, all that stuff. Like she just, Julie season one was like the Caroline Fleming, you know, she was on a different wave length. But now she's just like the frazzled mom who came in from the cold. Yeah, she was just quiet in the first season. They didn't show her as much. It's like next year, if they have one, please give them another year, guys. I mean, the music alone. But next year, we're going to get to see the same thing with Sophie, because you know she'll be a rag next year. Oh yeah, oh my god, I hope she is. And if they're true bravo people, they'll also bring on the sister of Fleming. Yeah, well, this, yeah, that would be good. See, this year Sophie's all like, I wear caps that are brown. And the next year she'll come on, she'll be like, Oh God, no! We have to get on. She'll be like, "Is that Marissa says one more thing to me? I'll break that cut fitness's neck right into you." Like a goddamn duck I found on the ground and fed to a dog. Oh, give us a kiss now, I'm gonna see my friend Nathan. All right now, go on. That's a bitch flower, I cannot wait. That's a bitch flower. Excuse me, that bitch flower, it never was not in bloom. It's just more like, it's just gonna keep on spreading. It's just, we think, it's like looking at, it's like when you get flowers from the floor, it's like, oh, these flowers are so nice. Like, oh, wait, do you put them in water? Then they'll really open up. That's what's going to happen. It's like the vines that grow on the side of my apartment. You know, like those things that cover the walls. It's like, oh, there's a pretty little bitch vine. And before you know it, it's swallowing the apartment. They're like, your apartment is disintegrating because the bitch vine, it'll be Sophie the whole time. Like, buy walls. Die American walls. Ah, future Sophie can't wait. So, speak of bitch flowers. So, everyone's there to go hunting in carlands. The only one who does not want to go hunting, because she says she's got a lot on her mind with this or whatever. She's like, but I will swallow it. Pauline, come here, swallow it. Swallow the hunting excursion, swallow it. Pauline, please give me the strength to be pampered and sleep and duvet with my hot husband after getting out of a limo and putting on Chanel boots. It's like, what the hell? She's like, I simply am not in the correct frame of mind to have a good time. I'm worried about the gift library. All right, clip, clip the toenail. It is so deep. Moo fan, fan moo fan-a-just. Bad news, mom. Bad news, mom. Pauline sat on the Emory board. What have smid nails this weekend? I cannot bear to think about that right now. Emory board bleeding. When the gift library is going to clip. Thank you, darling. Is this baby brain cooked or is it raw? I wronged it raw, kill another baby. It's like, oh my god, where are you acting? She's acting like she's-- it's so difficult to be in this position. Yeah, that's what I love. Oh, I ain't nobody buying that. Pauline, start the car. I have to be ready to leave it at a moment's notice because it's so terrible here. So, um, the stress of the poor people are so-- the stress of the poor people out of work is killing me, darling. Please fluff the duvet, you moron. The duvet, as we should be calling them. Bad news, mom. Valentino got stuck in the duvet. Get out. She looks like a giant potato sack. Just chuck her into the Thames. All right, we'd never pass it boarding school. Well, what I loved is-- good transition. They're Caroline Fleming when she's shown her room. She's like, has someone been lying in my bed? Like, she's one of the three bears. And to be fair, her bed was kind of messy for, uh, for like a hotel station. Probably so fucking PA. Like, when's that bitch gonna get here? I've been sitting here with a fucking scene clacker. Whatever they call those things. And then she's, and then she's like, a slate. And then she's, uh, you know, and then she tries to smooth it over by fixing the bed. And she's like, well, I used to go to boarding school and we had to make our beds. Also, I'm a baroness and my bed should always be made for me. Thank you. How lucky are you to learn about how to make a bed. For someone like me. There's never a reason to not help the people. Today, for example, I helped a man, a hotel worker, possibly with dreams to learn how to make the perfect bed. He's welcome. How lucky is it? On our comment card, she's just gonna write. How lucky were you, hotel? Give a man a bed. He's sleeping height. Teach a man to make a bed. He will be lucky enough to make a bed. Teach a man to make a pesto. No, I know yours as much. This should help our marriage. Oh, I, the husband's on this show. Pretty exemplary. Now, is that because it's easier to be married there? Or are the men better at faking it? Because this is a more polite society. Like, do they all have hook or juice on their face in real life? But they're just pretending. I wonder. Because they always, they always are going on trips abroad. It's like, well, Gregor has to go back to Sweden. Well, Gregor has to go to Istanbul. Well, Sam has to go here. You know, it's like everyone's nature comes back happy, though. Yeah, Istanbul. Look, honey, I bought a t-shirt that says, oh, I love you. And I got a t-shirt that says Istanbul. You don't blow because you love it so much. That's contrary, darling. It actually does four things. I hope they're not all getting cheated on. But from what we can see, what lovely marriages makes me believe in the institution. Well, then everyone gathered for, to have some sort of dinner, some very casual dinner. And Marissa and Caroline Fleming were at different areas of the room. And it was great because we kept on getting Caroline Fleming, shooting the nastiest, most evil bitchy- Now this is letting Drew Barrymore, a child star drug addict mode. OK, everybody remembers the time where they were like, oh my god, Drew Barrymore is going to die. She's always on drugs. And she's kind of a little bitch. And every picture you see of her, she's like, goth. And I'm like, that, and it has like really thick eye makeup. Ooh, girl, like eyeliner. This was, this was full-on murder mystery, act one, you know? This is like when we meet all the characters, and then when we find Marissa's body, it's like, who would have killed Marissa? And then cut to, cut to Baroness Fleming in the corner, giving shooting nasty looks, you know? Yes, and what made it even more teenager-y is that she was texting while they shot her doing it. So she's like giving this dirty teenager look to Marissa while she's texting. And I was like, this is the spoiled teenage bitch with an attitude problem that was like forced to go to boarding school. And who embarrasses her family? This is who I want on the show. Yeah. And blue and crazy bitch, Drew Barrymoreflower. So then, meanwhile, Marissa's continuing her, like, her quiet campaign against Caroline Fleming, because she's then talking to Annabelle, and to Julie about how, like, well, I apologize to her. And, but, you know, I guess it just wasn't like accepted. But, you know, the thing is, I guess my rage was meant more for her boyfriend instead, because her boyfriend kicked me out of a cab. And that's just like not cool. Yeah. And then, somehow, another, they start mentioning milfs. And just like, what's a well, Annabelle did tell her, though. She was like, well, I got a call about it. It wasn't good. Really? What was it? What happened? Am I kicked out of anywhere? She's like, well, I didn't know you to be that kind of immature moron of a person. But then I remembered you as more of a person who would actually give a crap about someone else's feelings, and not their own narcissistic desires to float to the top of an already polluted pool, like a piece of newspaper left in last summer. She was like, oh, thanks. This would be advice, Annabelle. So good. And I have to also mention, because I'm in love with the music from the entire episode, I have to say it was consistent. At the beginning of this party, it showed a montage of all the girls getting ready for the party. It was one of those girl power, but the music was this like orchestral ballet. And it was so beautiful and hilarious. And then they switched to like girl power, the girls having fun, girls having like men. And then everyone was like, hi. And they're all kissing when they see each other in the room. Everyone's like having fun and everyone smiling and kissing and laughing. And then the song stops. And it goes, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. And then it's like close up of Marissa's face falling into a frown. I was like, this is ridiculous. And I love every second. I know. So then they mentioned milk and Julie doesn't know what a milk is. She's like, what's a milk? What's a milk? Like what's that? Like mom, a mom, I'd like to, she's like, to what? To what? French friend? Friend? Mom, I'd like to friend. Mom, I tried to make those number ones that almost killed my kids. One of them was actually stabbed in the stomach. It was so crazy. I'm a terrible mother. Fool? Is it fool? Like mom would like to fool like practical jokes? Like, that's fun. That's fun. I like that. Like, yeah, let's, let's, let's like have a joke on a mom. Yeah. I'm like, Julie, Julie, you're not that much older than we are. Okay. We all are from the, we all came of age with American pie. Okay. You know what milk means. Milk. Did you just have a typo? Did you mean milk? Did you have a personal typo? Julie, it's like no, but I, at one time I had a picture that said got milk and then like, I put it on Facebook and I said, if you don't repost this, then you'll have bed luck for 10 years. So then, um, for some reason I have this, this down. The gay guy, Carlin's gay buddy, has the same arm length as Annabelle, which caused Sophie to be that's weird. She like could not, she could not accept that at all. She just totally disdainful. No one should have the same arm as a lady. No one has taught you the proper arm protocol, typical. Well, you've taken aristocratic traditions and you've bowled over them. Congratulations America, you've ruined another aristocracy. So, Annabelle's got some, wait hold on, can't, oh, Annabelle tries to get Caroline out of bed. Are we, Carlin's next morning? Yeah, okay, so next morning, Carlin's in her plush hotel room with her hot husband being like, okay, I've left a billion dollars for you under the pillow. I love you, my darling, smile, smile. And I don't care which way the fucking pheasants fly, I'm going to the spa. Valentina, shoot the pheasants, Paulie, take me to the spa. I can't be around all these rich people when the gift library is in trouble. I need to be around poor people. Book me an appointment at the spa, have some poor people, rub me. Bad news, mum, there's a pheasant in the spa, you don't have to face it. Oh, Jesus. Pheasants everywhere, I don't want this. Well, don't shoot it for Christ's sake, the gift library. Okay, all right, I'm not going to go hunting. I'm going to be bored to tears. Literally bored to tears. I would be crying. Valentina, Valentina, tissues, Valentina. I just wrote, I can't feel sorry for a lady in a duvet with a hot husband and a plush robe and pretend messy hair. I'm like, shut up, get out of here. I don't feel bad for you. Now the people at the gift library may be cut back and see Pauline cutting herself with some paper clips or something and I'll be in. But I can't invest in this gear alone, get over it. She would, but don't you understand, she would be literally bored to tears. Bored to tears, literally. And if I've got no tears in me, I'll keep cutting Pauline. She'll flow them. Bad news, mum. Pauline's dehydrated. Can't do another tear. Give us some, get a camera back and give us some water and get a crying down. All right, tell me when she's ready. Well, we had to take out the water, Valentina, the gift library. It's just a fact of life now. Don't, don't, don't. Pauline, Pauline, go down to the garden hose, fill up the bucket of water and feed it to Pauline. Oh, thank you. Valentina, do that. Final. Marissa. We have glamorous lives in London. It's a fact. They're sitting at the back there. Yeah, she's like shooting and then Juliet, who can't even eat a fucking something that's not in the shape of the McDonald's. What I was going to say about, I love that when Marissa says that we do, like we do leave glamorous lives in London. It's a fact. So it's nice to get onto the countryside and do something that's not glamorous. I'm like, do you see what you're wearing? Do you see where you're staying? You're doing something that's actually more glamorous than your daily life. You are increasing your glamour. So shut up. There's like no pavement on the road, Ben. Yeah. And then she's like, I love going shooting. Part of the reason is because I just love the clothes. I just love shooting. She's like, the other reason is I got to do rampant social climbing. That's just the best part. Oh, Marissa and Juliet. We're going to die. We're shooting more other bumps on this road. So they go to then it. Julie's thoughts. Everyone's shots on the shooting. So here's where it got super interesting because Julie is actually saying two different things. She's saying shooting as an American and she says shooting when she's discussing the actual sport part. Well, shooting is against my principles because I'm American. Schools get shot up. I'm like, that's terrible. Also, I'm a vegetarian. But shooting, I can't just stop the entire family from shooting as tradition. You don't just keep putting in there. I liked when she said, I'm not going to be the American that says you have to shoot everything down because you're married a vegetarian. I like that she said that because I don't think anyone ever thinks like that. Everyone's like, well, okay, well, I'm the vegetarians. You have to stop this whole operation. Sorry, you can't do this. No, no, sorry. We're not even vegetarians. Anything. It's not, but I'm not picking on vegetarians. It's like, oh my God, how refreshing that someone is like, like open to realizing that, you know, like, like considered of others. Like, what a shocking idea. Yeah, but you can't also just go change like the entire tradition of everything. Because if without all those rules, they aristocracy. Without all those rules and traditions, there wouldn't really be an aristocracy because people would be like, wait a second. Why are we giving so much money to a bunch of people who don't do dick to live in giant houses? Yeah, you don't want to revolt, darling. Stick to the rules. But also it's nice. It reminds me of like people who move into a neighborhood. Like, you know what I hate this one? People move into a neighborhood and then they're like, keep my town or something like that. They make a whole different change. You know, like back when I used to live in West Hollywood, I lived right behind the Standard Hotel. And the Standard Hotel wanted to stay open. They're at their pool till 2 a.m. They would close down at midnight. And I wanted them to stay up until 2 a.m. Because I wanted to go up to that pool and like have drinks until 2 a.m. Like right next door had nice. And I went to, they had a hearing in West Hollywood and I was bored. I went. I don't know why I've never gone to a hearing before. And I went and I was like, yeah, I live next door. I never hear anything. Yeah, no problem. I think you should keep it open. And then all these neighbors were like, no, I just bought a condo there. And I can't even keep my blinds open because they can see all the way up into my fourth floor condo. And it's just, it's not fair that they should not be able to stay open till. And I was like, you fucking idiots. And there was one woman who went, she's like, I used to live behind the Mondrian Hotel. And it was so loud. So I moved over here. And now they're allowed to. And no, they should not be allowed to stay open to two. I'm like, lady, you move from behind one hotel to another hotel. That's your fault. So I have like this, they're moving to the middle of a mall and then complaining about the smell of a cinnabon. Like you moved into a mall, you fucking moron. That's exactly. So when Juliet, I'm sorry, when Julie says, I'm a vegetarian, but I'm not going to be the one that's like, hey, you have to change all of this because you married me. I'm like, oh, that's so refreshing to think of someone who's like, consider it of like the context of a situation. Well, it's also very British. Yes. If that's was America, I don't know that it would definitely be the same thing. Well, and she also knows that if she tried to, if she tried to like buck the trend, it'd be like, see you later. Hey, look at America. Actually, that did happen in America because Michelle Obama was like, okay, everybody, let's eat healthy. Let me teach you about organic food school kids. And they were like, fuck you. Like fat people hate her. Like they're still going crazy. Like, you know, I mean, I am one. I don't hate her, but everyone's still going crazy this. They're like, how dare she try and make us healthy? What a bitch. Yeah. I mean, there are lines. There are lines between principle things that are good for people. And things where it's just like, you know what? Everyone take a seat. So anyway, along those lines, they're hunting. The politics of shooting. Yeah, they're hunting. And Juliet, of course, doing this thing. Oh, no, no. The barons getting killed, all the whatever. And then my favorite part was that at one point, like one of the dogs brings a pheasant out. It's like, it's dragging the pheasant. And Juliet's like, oh, no, the dog's holding the pheasant by the neck like that. You see, that's holding it by the neck. And then Sophie's like, but it's dead, Juliet. It doesn't feel any pain. Shut up. Go on, she's such an idiot. Don't you realize it doesn't matter where the dog grabs it. He's stupid American. I mean, no wonder why you guys created boiling. Why would you have a problem with shooting it, but not the dog dragging it? You fucking moron. Dead Juliet. Dead. Let it go. RIP dog, the end. Moving on, Juliet. Marissa wants to be like accepted, like in the Royal Society, like the back arms. Like, uh... I mean, they're rich as hell. But, uh, I think you're still looking at this in American lens. Yeah, yeah, and the back arms are pretty much the top of the line here. Yeah. One time I got my hair cut, like, posh spice. 'Cause I mean, like, they're only gonna top. Like, they're on the top. She wants to fit in. She wants to be, like, Simon Cowell, okay? Like the top. Simon Cowell and Leona Lewis. All right, you're not gonna be Simon Cowell and Leona Lewis. Uh, and then you've got Annabelle, a perfect rock and roll shot. She's like, "Oh, take that fucking bid." She just, like, aims up, boom, bird down, and, uh, Marissa's. Annabelle is amazing when it comes to shitting things. I like watching an artist do its art, like... Dexter, 'cause it's, like, shooting her, like... It's like, it's like watching that guy who does the paintings of whales. But with shooting. It's, like, high art. It's like his paintbrushes murder. So then after they're done shooting and everything, I love that Sophie, her first priority is getting some booze. She's like, "At 11 Z's, you have a shot of vodka." All right, go get it, girl. And then Annabelle, she decides she's gonna go home. And I love she just takes two pheasants and straps them over her shoulder, like, it's, like, it's just a casual bag. Like a tennis bag, which just has pheasants. It just goes walking off with them. So you're like, "What, my mom off rock and roll." You know, she's toasting that shit over, like, a little sterno flame with her weird friend, Liam, up in the room. Like, Liam. Except for the fact that... Except for the fact that Liam totally, uh, overstayed his welcome by hanging out at the pub with the women and making nasty jokes. I'm like, "Oh, how many beds did you shoot?" That's how many shots we gotta take. And she was like, "One thing you never do, you never, ever, ever, ever do is say how many birds you shoot. Never. Please stop asking me that. Please, please." I'm like, "Well, here, what we do is we say how many beds did you shoot?" And then you say 10, and I say two, and then you say, "I'm better." And I say, "You're still a pussy." And then we grab each other in the nuts, and then we laugh really hard. And then tomorrow we sober up and pretend to forget about it. She's like, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no." Or, I don't want it there. But Liam's also that creepy, drunk guy, who's like the boss. Open ball, on there, because you know, they didn't pay for shit at that bar. Yeah, so he's like, "I'll be here until the sunrise is in a week." Yeah, and then meanwhile, he's like, "I'll be right back. Gonna get another drink from the bar." "I'll be right back. I'm just getting not sure on accident." He goes away, they're like, "I think I sound to leave. Bye, bye, bye." And then he just like, "Get out of there. Hello, love." Liam's at the bar still. "Run, run, all ladies. I didn't get to punch in the nuts yet." He's like one of those ex-model guys, because he's very cute. Like when they show him up close, I'm like, "Whoa, ex-model." Yeah, he probably was a handsome party guy from the 80s. He's a model who's always doing everyone else's coke and not bringing his own, but he's so cute that you're hoping he'll get, like, coaked up enough one night to do you. You know what I mean? He's like that guy. I was like, "Oh, Liam, Liam met you in there. Lock the liquor cabinet. Liam's in the ass." I feel like, you know, our friend Angie, not the one on his podcast, but our other friend Angie. I feel like Angie's probably friends with him. Don't you get that sense? Yes, actually. Yeah, that's a good call. You're like, "I bet she totally is friends." I'm like, "Oh my God, Liam, just..." Does she have a lot of crazy friends? Now I'm like, "Oh, tell me all the gossip on the board." No, just no, because Angie is to live in England, and she is like friends with the guy from Eurithmix and various other British people. Oh, I didn't even know all that stuff. Yeah, she was like friends with David Bowie and stuff like that. I thought you were saying, "Wouldn't she be friends with the drunk guy who's..." No, no, I'm saying it because I totally see her. Am I that friend? Is that where you're saying that? I can totally see her having been... She's like, "She's friends with all these British people from ages." I can totally see her being friends with Liam, which I think is funny. Oh, that's amazing. So I'll drown around. I know everything. Yeah. So, go shoot. Oh, this is another Sophie section where she explains life. She's like, "The tradition is, once you shoot, then you go into a club of some sort like this, and you have a tiny bit of..." It's called lunch after you play a game, okay? We do it here too, bit. But she's like, "You put some vodka in your soup just to warm you up." I'm like, "That's actually called alcoholism, but okay." It's actually called my childhood. And Julie, it's like, "Oh, she's like, "I love soup in a cup." Yay, Brin. Sophie's like, "When I was a student..." I'm so stupid. Oh, when I was a student, what now? No, no, no. Sorry, I was... It's a rut. No, to be lost its momentum. It's over. God, I've killed it. I've run it over. So this was where they were getting ready, and it was the Princess Ballet music. Anyway, it was like everybody's about to become pretty woman. It was so cute. And then, yeah, this was, I guess, when they got... So stupid fight about nothing? Well, no, because what happened was... They're all getting ready for dinner. And then the two Americans, Julie and Marissa, decided to take a bubble bath in their bathing suits. Because I could see one of them. I could see, like, Marissa's bathing suit through, like, the water. And they're taking a bubble bath and they're talking about whatever. They're just gossiping, and then Julie... Julie's saying to Marissa, like, "People have been saying that Caroline's living says, 'If she talks to me, I'm going to let her have it. I'm going to let her have it at dinner.'" So meanwhile, everyone else is waiting for these two bitches to come down for dinner. They're all waiting. Everyone's totally dressed up. They get into the... They're sick of waiting, they go into the dining room. Caroline stands, "Well, she's getting hangry." And she's like, "Well, we're just going to order. I'm not going to wait any longer for them. I'm just going to order right now." And finally, the two Americans come down. Well, first Annabelle comes down, like... Because they weren't the only way about Annabelle. Annabelle comes in, she's like, "Oh, what's up?" She's like, "Oh, well, dinner. So you need to come to dinner now." Yes, you know, all right. I mean, give me something. What are we eating? Everyone looks wonderful. You all look amazing. And then she started smiling and greeting everyone so warmly. And I was like, "This bitch just did some drugs." 'Cause I've never seen her like that. Yeah, she's like, "You all look fantastic." "Classical music." It's like, "Oh, she's fucked up, get it?" Yeah, I mean, she was rubbing her nose the previous night at that dinner. Totally, Liam brought a pack in his buttcrank. That's right. He smiled in a pheasant. And I'm also speaking of cokeheads. This was also a musical cokehead moment, because when they were taking a bath right before that, it was the ladies were coming down the stairs to have dinner. And it was like, ballet music getting ready. So it's like, "Dunt, dun, dun, dun." And then the ladies come down the stairs. It's like, "Dunt, dun, dun, dun." And then it shows Julie in a hallway. And it's like, "Bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling, bling." I was like, "Jesus, there were five songs in this one little thing." They were like, "We might get canceled." "Put all of the score in. We need something for when Julie walks down the hallway." We paid for it, we're going to use it. So what I love, though, is that finally when the Americans come in, Marissa looks idiotic. She's wearing a t-shirt that says "Winking" or something like that, which it just looks stupid. Like, everyone's dressed very nicely, and she's wearing a t-shirt. Like, but it was like a clever t-shirt, because she was, it was like a quote-unquote formal t-shirt, but she's trying to make a, it was just, she was trying to make a fashion statement and look terrible. And of course, Caroline Sandberry just goes right in with the zinger, and she's like, "I mean, I'd expect you to look a lot better for the amount of time you've taken," which I was like, "Oh, so wonderful." She managed to both, like, ding her on being late, and ding her for looking ridiculous. Marissa's like, "Oh, I'll send him a hit." Yeah, Marissa's probably like, "I still need help. I haven't fallen apart, and fallen down, and not been swallowed to you, because of my choices." So anyway, and then they show Marissa kind of grabbing at her necklace nervously. It's like this big statement necklace, and she's kind of, her eyes are darting around, and she's kind of grasping it nervously, and then Drew Barrymore's, you know, giving her a dirty eyeliner look. Oh, so good. I'm like, "Eater Drew, killer!" What I love about when women are mad at each other is that the most benign moment can turn into a battleground. Case in point, for some reason, Caroline Standbury had-- I'm sorry, I keep on calling her Standbury. Caroline Standbury, at one point, had butter on her forehead. No one knows how or why. But of course, since she has her gay, you know, lackey there, he takes it off, and then they start making jokes about the butter, and next thing you know, someone, like, Caroline's like, "Well, you know, he creams me. He creams me." That's one thing he does, and they're like, "Oh, creams are, creams are," and then Mercer's like, "Creams? I don't think you meant creams. I think you know what that means? Creams? I don't think you mean creams." So then Caroline Fleming is, she's like, she hates Mercer so much that she can't help herself. She goes, "He comes from fashion, and it is his job. His job is to put cream on people's arms. That's what people in fashion do, and that's what he did." It is actually a job. She's like, "Creaming people isn't a job." And she's like, "Yes, actually, it is." There's an industry called fashion. I just like that everyone was laughing. Like, everyone was laughing. Everyone got the joke, but Caroline Fleming was so, so angry that she just has to come and just like, kill the entire moment. Yeah, that was definitely her teenager. Hey, mom, you're a dumb bitch, and then the dad's like, "Oh, can't we just make it through one dinner?" "Oh, fuck you. It's her fault." "Oh, go to your room." "Fuck you." "Oh, Caroline Fleming's nature is honey." She's probably like, "Well, actually, if you knew anything about the dairy industry here in England, do you know that cream is a viable source of income for many families? So making jokes about it is not actually very funny. Thank you." "The man who made my bed improperly once probably is related to somebody who suffers from a shortage of cream. I hope you're happy." "One of my favorite desserts is the cream pie, and I think that's not very funny. I think it's a really lovely memory for my childhood, so please stop ridiculing it. Thank you." So Caroline Fleming is like, "I must use the restroom to release some of the tension. I need to take off my shoes in the restroom and just feel grounded. My feet against that full season's floor, whatever." So she's like going to the bathroom, and then Standbury decides, you know, she's going to stick up for her bitch. 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"Stop call breaks, all right, forward, all right, breaks." Get thrown out of a still car next time, tell me. Learn the codes. Pauline, Pauline, stop the car, Valentina, stop the car. Pauline, open your door, okay? Now, just stay still while I kick you to the curb. Thank you, bye. So, Marissa is very good at the whole turning something around and framing the other person for it. So now, she's just announced to the entire table that she got thrown out of a moving car by the douchebag boyfriend. And then she frames it as, "Well, you know her Caroline's sister is one of my best friends." And she asks, "What do you think of my sister's boyfriend?" I said, "He's just not my cup of tea. That's all. Just not my cup of tea." You know what it's like to be forced to drink tea you don't like? It's very anti-British. Do you think that she should have told the sister that the guy was not her cup of tea? Yeah, I actually think it's okay. Caroline's their friend. Flaming is an idiot on this fight because, first of all, this whole fight comes out now where Caroline Stanbury says, "Well, congratulations, even though you were thrown out of a moving car, that does not give you the right to ruin our family." Because now she's saying, "Oh, now, Flaming's in trouble with her parents for dating this 30-year-old, because now the sister said that she's dating some abusive 30-year-old or whatever." And that's her problem for dating, you know, if she's going to rebel and date a fucking 30-year-old who's throwing people out of cabs, then that's her right to do it if she wants to. But don't be a pussy when it comes to mommy and daddy, like, get out of here. Well, the other thing is Marissa should have been smart in the sense that when things get told to family, it almost always gets back to people. So, for instance, here's a fun story. Like, back in 2003, I had a friend. I was friends with this guy, and then his brother moved here, and then we all became friends, whatever. And the brother was interested in this girl that he worked with. And he liked this girl, but she was married, but then he was saying, "Well, but they're going to get divorced." And I thought it was, like, not a good situation. I didn't think it was a smart thing, because another girl was still married, and whatever, et cetera, for a logical reason. I just didn't think it was good, even though they had an attraction, whatever. And so, I told the brother, who I was friends with first, I was like, "She seems nice and everything." But, like, I mean, I said, for everything I just said, and I was like, "Plus, she's not even that cute," which was, I was trying to kind of say it. She actually was cute, but I was sort of saying it as a way to kind of dissuade, like, get out of the situation, or maybe it was even like, she's cute, but is she cute enough to go down this path, you know, whatever it was? So, I then, ultimately, though, they actually did wind up together, and they actually wound up getting married. Although, I don't know if they're still married, but they wound up getting married. And she's really lovely, really lovely, and really sweet, and I'm being friends with her, and she is cute for the record. She's actually very, very cute. And they moved, all of them, all three of them eventually moved out of the city, but I caught up with them last year. This is like 10 years later, or eight years, and we're hanging out, and then she's like, she admits to me. She's like, "You know, I didn't like you for the longest time, because you said I wasn't cute." And I'm like, "I can't believe fricking my friend told his brother that I said that she wasn't cute." And it was really awkward, because it was so long ago, but it also made me feel really bad, et cetera. And the lesson is, it always gets back to people in the family. Don't tell one simply one thing. Well, especially if you're on TV, for Christ's sake. I mean, Caroline Zachnock is this big secret. She's on fucking TV. Like, get out of here, stupid. But now, should the sister have gone and told the parents, and then made trouble for her sister? I know the sister's a little bitch trying to make trouble for her sister that she hates, but, you know, who cares? She's not on the show. But Marissa, well, I mean, she's allowed to call and gossip with whoever she wants to. Fuck that. Yeah. So then what happens is Caroline's in the bathroom, and then Marissa goes after her to, like, talk it out. And Caroline is-- Wait, Paul's-- I'm so sorry to pause you. But I have to say that this is not the first man. Marissa's husband mentioned earlier in their husband's wifey scene at the beginning. He's like, "Well, that's not the first one she's dated either." And then someone posted online that one of her last boyfriends was 21. So this is actually old for her. Oh, wow. That's why she was so upset about being called a cougar. She's like, "This is the oldest I've dated." Well, I mean, look, I heard this in a Twitter comment online someplace, so who the fuck knows? I'm the knowledge library, but apparently it's not her first or her youngest, so everybody get over it. And if you're going to be bold enough to date a young guy, then say, "Fuck, yeah, I'm dating a young guy who cares." And stop making it like something you're hiding from your parents. And, you know, stop kicking friends out of your car because your boyfriend's too cool or whatever. Well, I'm still not convinced that that really happened. So then Marissa goes and follows Caroline to the bathroom. And Caroline is filming. He's like, "I couldn't open the window. It was locked. I wanted to throw myself out of the window and it was locked. I could not get out. There wasn't enough Himalayan sea salt to throw at Marissa at that moment." I did not want this conversation. I was like, "They never go to the bathroom. What kind of woman are you?" When you give somebody dirty looks for an hour and then you stand up to go to the bathroom, you're saying, "Come to the bathroom, bitch." So I can review a new one. Like, "Why the fuck else you going to the bathroom?" You can't buy her sometimes. But so then they sit down on this couch and they have this-- Oh, best fight ever. Marissa. Listen here, Hein. I need to-- She was doing this whisper talk like this mom whisper. Yeah. Listen here, Missy. I got to fix this with you. I got to-- Yeah. Guide. Then Caroline Fleming's response was that she sort of clutches her hand and she's like, "I've fallen in love with a man and he is 30. How lucky am I to have found love with someone who is older than 19?" No. Marissa. I'm fond of you. And I'm grateful to know somebody that's standing there reading a travel brochure while I'm actually on the journey that they're reading about. Must be nice for you. It's like, "Now listen here, Missy." You need to reel it in. She's like, "Marissa, I understand we're both on separate journeys. Mine is for love and yours is for hot dogs of some sort." But I hope that somehow you can look across the deep fire that you are installing and see how important this is to me and you will instead focus more on cleaning out the rats in the basement of your new restaurant instead of trying to take down my relationship. Thank you. Hopefully, if you open your mind and your heart to my journey, I can be the one to teach you the lesson that hot dogs are not eating horizontally. It's not a corn on the cob. We do not know that. I'm Danish. We don't have corn or cobs. So good. So then her big argument was, "Well, it's gotten to my parents." And again, I say, you're a pussy. "How long could your parents possibly live? What are you in your late 40s?" Come on now. They're not around forever. And at a certain point, they start needing you more than you need them, darling. At some point, they're worried that you're going to train. Take away their lawyers. What do you call it? Power of attorney. Take all the money. Once they hit 60, they start being nicer to their children. I'm experiencing it myself and it's delicious. I have to say, family dynamics have improved. Thank you, age. Anyway, shut up. Who cares about your parents? You're so ridiculous. Well, I get that she's royal and they have a title and they have all this stuff to uphold. And she's part of an institution and blah, blah, blah. But you can't be a rebel. It's like Annabelle. You're not a rebel, darling. You're a lady sitting on a granny couch, knitting and contemplating bangs. Get out of here. Well, but I love that Marissa once again. It's like, "Well, the thing is, you're a boyfriend. He pushed me out of a cab." And then we find the other side of it, which we hear the other side. We're kind of like, "Well, actually, we asked you several times. Are you going to get in the cab?" And you're like, "Well, I don't know. Maybe, maybe not. I don't know. Maybe, I don't know." And I don't know. He's in the hurry. "As youthful men often are, I've learned. He wanted to drive. And he said, "Shall I press the gas?" And you said, "I don't know." And he said, "Shall I..." And you said, "I don't know." And so he did. And that's it. The rush of feeling the wind in your hair as you drive a certain speed is greater than the desire to find a seat for you in the car. I am so sorry. But I think that like... So here's why I'm torn. Because I actually felt like Marissa's story sounded very dramatic. And ridiculous. It's strange that she's held this grudge over this car thing. That seems like over the top. But at the same time, she's such a social climber that I feel like if they're like, "Do you want to get in?" She'd be like, "Yes!" But I actually... I think the boyfriend is a douche. And I think everything you're saying is right. But I accept that I do think she would hold a grudge over it. But I don't think it's over the car. I think that she just doesn't like her. I don't see it. And the best way that you can see it is that Marissa really... A lot of the season she's been kept separated from the others in a way. She hasn't been involved in that many storylines, except with stupid Juliet. And she gets annoyed with Juliet like everybody else. But when Marissa really hates somebody, she drops all the nice person shit. Like when she's in her confessionals, she's like, "Well, you know, she's great and royal." Or whatever. But then when she doesn't like somebody, she's an instabitch in those confessionals. She's like, "Well, maybe hopefully she can stop having sex with children." Or whatever. And I'm like, "Whoa, okay, she's going for her." So she just doesn't like... It's like with Juliet. She said at one point in this episode, "I'm confused about my relationship with Juliet." Because we're getting along, but at the same time, she's so boring. I want to kill myself. I'm like, "Yeah, she's a bitch. If she does not like somebody, she's an instabitch." And she doesn't care what they think really at the end. I think she's got more power with the sister than she does with the black sheet. Yeah. I think so. There's something more than meets the eye. And what was funny is at the end, they reach a truce. But you can see that it's not a real truce. Because the way Caroline accepts this apology is that she sort of clasps her hand in this very formal, icy way. Like, all right, we can move on. We are done here. It wasn't like there was no sense of warmth or love. Like, "Oh, I'm so glad that's over." It was like, "Yeah, I have clasped your hand to show that I have accepted your apology, but I will still have a resentment." Yeah. She's like, "This is over for now." Because the colors in this room are blinding me. So that was basically it for ladies in London this week. And next week I'm excited because Caroline Stanbury calls Annabelle a very grumpy woman, which is, you know, that's pretty much, that pretty much sums it up. Well, it's like an F word in that. Oh, and also next week Naomi is on. She's like, "Annabelle, McQueen adored you." Annabelle's crying. "Only this so." She's like, "I know I was the one who told him to put the mook before the queen." "Alex, Annabelle." So, you know what's something amazing, guys? We have told you about our sponsor Next Issue and how it's the best way to read all of your favorite magazines anytime, anywhere. Yeah. Well, next issue's me. New name is Texture. And it has spectacular new features that make the best recording experience around. 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It's, it's nice when we have things that, uh, advertise on our podcast that we actually like and can use. Like, "My Casper Mattress, come back to us. Casper, advertise us again." It stops saying Casper, they did not give you a free mattress. So, stop. I know, I just like, "I don't know why, I don't know why I keep indoors." How to stop every time I'm like, "Oh, he paid for that." Every time I get mad for you, I'm like, "Damn, you paying for a mattress." Although, you know, you can attest to its brilliance. Anyways, not about that thing is, uh, magazines are so expensive now. It's like, what a book used to cost. You remember books were like $6.99 or something? That's a magazine now. So, F-Vat stuff. And I mean, obviously, I'm like that. It's like Netflix for magazines. Pay, well. Yeah, and by the way, the amount of space and clutter you save by not having stacks of magazines everywhere, it's wonderful. And it's right on your masturbation machine. So, right, you can go from reading, it's all right there. Thank you, Ypad. You know, somewhere Steve Jobs has a special place in heaven for all the wonderful downtime he's given us humans. That's right. So, uh, right now, texture is offering our listeners a free trial. When you go to texture.com/crapins, think about that. You'll gain unrestricted access to the world's best magazines from back issues to the one on newsstands today. Try texture for free right now. Go to texture.com/crapins. Thanks, everybody. And thank you, texture. You know, it's a good place to check your texture app when you're killing some time on a yacht in the Caribbean. You'll have to download them first, because you don't always get great internet reception out there. Well, sometimes you get a good enough reception to to FaceTime your hot brother. That's right. Let's get rid of my terrible Australian. You know, I'm really actually trying to break myself of the Australian thing because it's really obnoxious because I do it in real life all the time. It's like a weed. It's like once you start doing Australian accents, they take over all the other accents. They do. So I'm like, "Hello, neighbor!" I was like, "Here's my French accent." "Hello, neighbor." Today, I was talking to Bueller. So sad. I know these stories are so sad, but I'm talking to my dog and I was like, "Hey, you said little dog day in there." And I was like, "You know what? Talk in your regular voice. This is stupid. You're even talking to the dog like that." So I started talking in my regular voice. And I was like, "I don't even know what that is." So I don't know what it is. And I don't like it. I don't like the sound of it. So I'll just keep a little Gina Leano in me. Anyway, that show will be right back and we'll have an excuse to use it again. It's exciting. It's not so exciting. In the meantime, below-drick, the story about maids, empty and water pans, and polishing Robert Goulay furnishings for rich people. So my first... So my... I was eating dinner while I was watching this last night. So my first batch of notes are a little bit out of order because I was watching and then I went over to my couch and I jotted everything down. That thought was funny in the first 15 minutes. So bear with me if I get a little pulp fiction-y with my structure here. But the first thing that was notable about this episode is that the charter guests are hot, or at least hot to the staff. I mean, when you have like six straight weeks of some of these guests, anyone will look hot. But... Yes. What was funny is that they all got... All the women were like all on a tizzy and they all started like putting, getting a little extra oomph to their looks, to their hair and their makeup, trying to make something ready. Oh yeah. Rocky ironed her crazy hair. Kate was all ready to find a rich husband. Of course, Amy's like, "Guess, today, no bangs. You like it? I think rich people do you." What do you think, seahorse? Do you like this look? So they were getting all ready for the thing. Rocky and Alex P. Keaton have been having sex in the laundry room a lot. And so now they're openly flirting. And I guess they just boned last night. And so Rocky's like... Like, what's that under the house laugh? If she does. And she's like, "Oh yeah, you're so sexy, baby. I'm so sexy." And then when you put your dick in my mouth, I'm like, "Oh, this is so sexy, baby." Can't keep it inside. And then you've got the captain in the next room hearing it. And he gives this face. It looks like Popeye's dad is kind of who it looks like. Yeah. You're just giving up at this point. And older Popeye, who just like got shit in his spinach, you know. What? What kind of rule? That's not the rule block. You're so sexy, baby. What chapter is that? Someone not point me towards it, huh? I have a note that says, "Rocky hooked up with Eddie, and now she can iron." Just basically what happened. Well, Eddie is so follow the rules and cares so much about his job, that even his sperm cares about its job. It's like you get a little Eddie sperm and suddenly you like care more about shit. Weird. Like fuck him a few more times. You might make sick and stew one day. So the guests are coming on board and the dad, the patriarch of his family. This is going to be his birthday and he wants to have a white party. So Kate suggests to Leon like, "Oh, how about a white chocolate cake? How about like a, because he wants, I guess the guy wants like a chocolate lava cake for his birthday." How about we make a chocolate volcano cake, Chef? That way you won't feel bad when it's undercooked and runny. And Leon's like, "No, sorry, sorry Kate. There's no box for that." Can't make it if it doesn't come in a box. Save the box. Save the box. And she was this the point where she calls his dear Chef Betty Crocker. Love it. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. He's just openly ignoring her in meetings and pretending she's not there. She's like, "Birthdays are important, Chef. Do you understand?" He's like, "Hmm?" "New eyebrows, boom this morning, all over the fuck, okay? Talk to the eyebrows, bitch." Oh, we got a glimpse of Connie's arc for the episode, which is that she wants to drop the anchor. And spoiler alert, she dropped the anchor later on. And that was it for Connie. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. It was like the most dramatic thing was like, "All right." She's like, "All right." She's like, "I've dropped this, I've done this, I've done this." They're like, "And what else, Connie?" She's like, "Hmm." "Oh yeah, let me move this over there." They're like, "Wow, Connie, you did it." I wish there was an architect here. Or what was, what was that guy? Hey, I'm an architect, hey? So what, who cares? I'm an architect. What was he, an engineer? What was he? Oh yeah, Don. Yeah. Anyway, room, I went, sorry, non-name. Welcome to my world. Welcome to my world. Mm-hmm. So that was Ovaro Ovaro. I forgot what we were talking about. So well, we're talking about the letting down the anchor. Hey, you're ready down there to let down the anchor? Okay. Hey, I really need to be careful. Letting down the anchor, right back. Yeah, you need to be careful. Be careful. Okay, did I do it, right? I'm like, she's crucified in the anchor falls. And make sure it doesn't catch anything. Like, there's like a group of old people standing down there that might get hit on the head by the anchor. You're in the middle of the ocean. Drop the fucking anchor. What are you going to hit? A seal on the bottom of the, get out of here, stupid. Meanwhile, a little mermaid. Meanwhile, Sebastian, I was going to say Sebastian, the crab is like under it being like, I regret nothing. Under the sea. Here's. That's where I'll be. It's like a sad, the sad song of his death. He's under the sea for the rest of which I really hear this. The sea under. Don't give up, Sebastian. Don't give up. We'll get the anchor off now. No. I can't. It's too late. I mean, good bye. That's where we'll be. So Rocky has been horse whispered by Alex P. Keaton's dick. Yes, my note. So now that the people come on board and we get another tour of the boat, the tacky. I'm Ryan Gosling. Like, oh my god. Because one of them looks like Ryan Gosling. Did you really say that? No, I was going to get to that, but he does. And in fact, of course, like Megan K. Edmonds, I went on to his Facebook page and he has pictures of himself not with Ryan Gosling, like he's doing like comparisons with Ryan Gosling. He also has a picture of himself appearing on the Real Housewives of Orange County. So this guy is like a little bit of a robber war. Yeah, he's like, I've got about popped color for every situation. Yeah, so then they all go on a tour of the boat, which gave us another opportunity to look at the Cheesy 80s, 90s decorations. The ghost of Robert Goulay just pinched fake Ryan Gosling's ass. Yeah. This time, the thing that I really homed in on was the doors on this boat. All have like glass. It's like, I don't remember. I told you the tree door. It's the tree door. Oh, now I get it, the bamboo tree doors, but they look like bones. They look like they look like skeletal bones. Notice Heather. It's a full circle as you come back on Bravo. But then also, I also was looking at the crappy art that's like wall art. That's above the indoor dining room table. Just how shitty it looks. It's like it looks like a museum. What is it? It looks like a museum that was built in the 80s and is in need of like a revamp. Like in the 80s, it was like this really modern, cool look. In fact, not even a museum. It looks like a cafeteria. I mean, it's a cafeteria art, you know. Like color blocking flowers. Color blocking flowers. Yeah, I'm sorry. I've still got pop color in my head. Pop color Gosling. So I think. Oh, I didn't live. I'm just writing random shit. But let me go ahead, go ahead, go ahead, go carry it. No, I was just going to say, I was just going to make a general note, which was that it's funny because in the beginning of the episode, it seemed like everything, there was like no drama. Like everything was like a big to do, you know. And so it just seemed like this episode would have nothing going on. And in the second half, the tension between Kate and Leon was so hilariously past progressive and aggressive that I immediately revoked the comment that nothing was going on. Because I was like, in the beginning, it was the big news was like, oh, no, the shark trip had to be canceled. And Captain Lee's like, I have to tell them that there's the shark trip is canceled. And they're like, oh, no. And then the primary has never had a birthday cake. I was like, oh, no, Kate, Leon, danger, faking. This episode really did get good through most of it. The dynamics of the people are getting hilarious as we get to know them. Emil is such an idiot. And he's so like lovable in a way, I guess, because he's so stupid. And he's like hot, but not hot enough. Like, he's not as hot as he thinks he is. And no one's taught him how to ever speak about anything ever. And he's like, will the guests on this chart are hot? But, you know, I don't get jealous because I'm confident that I'm hot. So God, you've got mayonnaise on your face, you know? I know. Exactly. You're making fun of girls. If you could finger her and then aid a sandwich in one bite. And you've been wearing the same patterned, wrinkled ass shirt from TJ Maxx for a week. Stop it. Yeah, exactly. You want to hug him. You want, you know, you want to give him like a hug? Exactly. And he also is hot. So I mean, there it is. And then the charter. Well, it's like Kate says later in this episode, they're always hot until you get to know them. Basically, I shouldn't say that. But like, you get to know people's personalities and suddenly like a porn star looking guy like Emil becomes a really insecure fucking borderline date rapist with a muffin top to me. Right. Right. Anyway, so another guy, a guy with pink sweater on his shoulders. Oh, so they all work for their daddy, the charter guest. They're all like rich kids who work for their daddy. And one of the sons who's like future fat, like he has future fat written all over that pink sweater. Yeah. And he's of course the one who's like, I need to eat every three hours. Yeah. It's like, oh, God, get out of here. It's popped collars, flower shirts. The dad's in like some weird like modern take on the flower. Church County, very honest county. And then the pink sweater on the shoulders. It shouldn't end well. Right. It shouldn't end well. So the, so at first when I was watching this show, when they were talking about, oh, the shark excursion had to be canceled, I was like, why are they trying to make this a dramatic moment? Like the guests don't care, like it's not a big deal. But then we realized what this was all leading up to, which was that in order to make the guests sort of make a joke about the fact that they couldn't go shark diving. Kate and Connie decided to use some cardboard to make like a shark, make like a little, a little fin on the back of Connie's outfit and make some teeth to go over it. Like a stupid little costume. Yeah, a little cardboard shark or whatever. Yeah, whatever, some teeth. So they're looking for cardboard and Kate finds a box that is in the kitchen. And he's like, don't take the box. Don't take the box for the dehydrator, which of course I'm doing. I'll show an accent because I'll show an accent to weed, but whatever. And then became box gate, which was like one of the most hilarious controversies because it went on for so long. That's such a below deck drama. Yeah. Tonight on below deck of fight over boxes. Don't use, don't use my box. Okay. Don't use my box. Don't use my box. Do you really need a box for the dehydrator? It's not molded anywhere. Yeah. We'll find it better. We don't even like this cardboard. Connie's like, I found cardboard. Oh, good. Because we don't need that multi-cardboard now. Whatever dehydrator. Who's this dehydrator? Yeah. Both fit as an anti-hydrator. So yeah, it was like two angry maids mad at each other. And you know, I was gathered around that TV, me and Bueller screaming, made fight. Yeah. Made fight. I just loved, I mean, like, this is a new, I can't tell if it's a new lower and new high for reality TV that we had a full fledged fight off of cardboard, which is, I mean, it's kind of amazing, because we were just talking about a near full fledged fight coming from a little piece of butter on Caroline Zenberg's head. [LAUGHTER] So pretty much. You know, bro, I'll bring it out. I'm like, we'll openly fucking in the laundry room. And no one's like the good stuff that I was fighting about yet. Right now, it's all boxes and, you know, laundry with a sheet ironing. Yeah. Next week, it's going to be like, don't touch my egg carton. Don't touch my egg carton. The egg need to be in there. Who didn't clean out the lint trap? Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun. She sent me up. Rocky. Uh, don't touch my paper. [SINGING] [SINGING] So, Rocky, okay, every week, Rocky opens up a little mole like an onion. You take off a layer. There's another one. And it's even stinkier than the orange. But she does something. People keep mentioning, obviously, it's obvious that she doesn't look at the camera when she does her confessionals. But I'm like, what is she doing? Because she keeps, like, scrunching down and looking up. And then I realized she's in her mind. She's that little kid played by Lily Tomlin. And she's looking up at her parents. If you notice every time she does that, it's something, imagine her talking to her parents and she's totally doing it. It's like, but I love to swim. Like, okay. It's like a little girl begging for a toy at Disneyland. That's that look to me. Yeah, that's exactly right. Yeah, because she's always crouching down in the frame as if, like, as if some girder is, like, swinging and she has to get out of the way. Yeah, but she's becoming a little child again and looking up at mommy and daddy and sanitizing herself. At, like, a rule or something. Because she's, like, still fine. It's like how dogs never mature past four years old. They're always that four-year-old, their whole lives, you know? Yeah. And I think you're similar. Not calling you a dog or anything. I mean, you are the only one getting dick on this boat. Add a girl. I'll give points to a point to two. [LAUGHTER] So, um... At some point, Leon decided to take a nap. I found a conch. Connie coming up with her now wet cardboard thing. I know, that's obviously the entire time I was thinking, she's not going to take that cardboard fin into the water. She's going to get soggy. [LAUGHTER] That was my concern. I found a conch. It's like, very... Amy's like, "Conch." "Conch." "Conch, oh, hey, Conch, how are you?" [LAUGHTER] "Conch, my name is Amy. I hope to be your wife, but if not, hopefully we can still be friends." Do you like my boo-funk, Conch? [LAUGHTER] So then Leon takes a nap, and then the guests are hungry and they want quesadillas, and Leon won't make it. Because the chefs on this show have the whole thing about quesadillas. The easiest thing in the world that they could just make, they're quesadillas. Who wants a quesadilla? I'm sorry, people don't always want fine food all the time. Sometimes you do want a quesadilla. But don't you think it's odd that people are always asking quesadillas? That was the next thing I was going to say, it is odd that everyone always wants quesadillas. That's like the staple food that they have there. They're like, "Okay, listen up, cast. We've got tortillas, and that's it." We don't even have the cheese. Everything else, you just have to figure out how to go. Yeah, it's like you've got every piece of quesadillas. And these people are less talented than shop chefs, so they can't even make it interesting. It's like when the chop chef gets bread, and they're like, "I'm going to make bread pudding." It's like this. I was going to say that. It was very curious to me that everyone always wants quesadillas. I mean, I'd like quesadillas as much as the next guy, but I wouldn't say that that's my go to like, "Oh, I'm hungry. Oh, let's have a quesadilla." I mean, it might get into the mix, but I might say, "How about a grilled cheese sandwich?" Or, "How about some ice cream?" Or, I don't know. Yeah, I don't think there's many options. Is that or peanuts? Yeah, quesadilla, cruise lines. There's not a walk in fridge. You know, like there's a fridge that's big enough for beef cheeks and scallops and conch, an emergency conch. That's it. Well, basically the producers, I'm sure the producers know that Leon hates making quesadillas, and they just tell the guests, "Oh, by the way, if you ever get hungry, just ask for a quesadilla." They can make it happen. So, Leon-- I love Leon's attitude because it's making him fatter. Fuck you. And guess what? Everyone on your side is going to get back, because you're evil. And that's what happens to evil people. Trust me, I am one. I know. Leon's getting fat, and so is Emile. And they're on the same douchebag, mistreating women's boat. So enjoy yourselves, fat people. You know, your whole controlling women thing isn't going to really work. That's right. So Leon is taking a nap. And so Rocky decides, because she wants to be a chef, she's going to make the chicken quesadillas. But she can't find the chicken, and she can't really find the cheese she needs. So she uses leftover pot roast, and she uses Swiss, which is fine. But you know what I thought was strange? Chews, barata. Barata's not something you put into a quesadilla. It's extremely salty and gross. But also, it's like the joy of barata is that, you know, it's this delicate, creamy mozzarella-esque thing. And you don't melt it, Jesus, lady, Jesus. Oh, Rocky. Oh, I'm thinking of a joy. I'm sorry, I'm thinking of a different cheese. Barata, why I called it bitter. No, barata is like the soft mozzarella, right? Yeah. It doesn't make sense to put in a quesadilla, wouldn't it? No, you wouldn't-- I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but you wouldn't put it in like a grilled cheese or whatever, because the whole thing about it is that it's creamy and like-- Yeah, it's like-- Like, curious, it's expensive. It's expensive for a reason, because it's sort of delicate, and you know, it's put in that ball, and it's just this wonderfully decadent, you know, cheese. And Swiss doesn't really melt. So you know that was a layer of non-melted Swiss cheese, topped with like weird creamy stuff that nobody gets, topped with hot roast from last night that looked like poop. Yeah, but I mean, the guests liked it though, but Captain Lee was not happy about it. Ah, so what are you doing down here? I'm making a quesadilla. Well, why are you doing that? Where's Leon? Mm-hmm. Hitting him up, dad. Oh, really? We're not on his schedule. We're on the guest schedule, and somehow Leon seems to have misplaced that concept. [CHUCKLES] And then she do too. Leon forgot it. Guests sometimes say, when guests say quesadillas, you say, "How high?" Right? [CHUCKLES] Now it works. It's on a bumper sticker. By the way, you know what I loved? I loved that, that, um, what's her face? Rocky put the quesadilla in the microwave. Is that how, I thought quesadilla's you, you're supposed to put on like a skillet, right? Well, yeah, you're supposed to put them on a skillet, of course. It's rocky. It's a, she puts it in the microwave, and when she takes it out, cake comes by. She's like, "Oh, what's that, curry?" [CHUCKLES] Well, and cake does not know a lot of food, but in her defense, the girl is skinny as hell. I mean, at least she earns it. - Yeah. - She's like, "Food." What is food? Disgusting. - No. - Why would you do this to yourselves? [CHUCKLES] You know how Decapri didn't ask for food when I was a gaudy? Yeah. It's potato gratin, gratin, gratin, gratin, gratin, gratin, gratin. Potatoes and milk sauce? Okay. [CHUCKLES] Could you write it out on this whiteboard chef? That would be wonderful. I would love to communicate your dreams to the guests, and know for the next 20 times that you serve this exact same thing, how to pronounce it properly. Thank you. So then, then we have like a scene of a meal, like doing some, he's talking with the guests, and they're asking about the girl, and they're like, "Yeah, the girls." And he's like, "Yeah, but the girls don't put out much on this boat. They don't put out my chances." I can't believe you just told the guests. Like, you said that. First of all, if you said that in a workplace, fired, fired. But then he said that to guests-- Those guys were like, "The douchey sons." They're like, "Brah, you're like the Don Juan Rico Suavito of this boat. Brah, are you getting like, are you like swimming in pussy? Do you have like a separate dingy on top of a ocean of pussy right now?" And he's like, "I'll tell you this much, boys." Those pussies are closed for business, especially the Cinebon Rocky. Rocky Bonn. Closed Dan. Nothing coming out of that bakery. Meanwhile, Rocky is like doing Alex P in the laundry room. Yeah, exactly. And then a meal decides to stick up for Leon. He's like, "I'm gonna stick up for Leon," because that's what an honest man does. Shut up, a meal. Just go be pretty and stand on the deck. You know, the shittiest employee-- I mean, the guys who are like the shittiest, or the people who are the shittiest. I guess you just always find the shittiest, you know? Right. Like, the guys who are just gonna be dicks and like either offered a finger bang or like, yellow to woman. And then Leon went on his whole thing about, "Oh, I'm not afraid of a woman. I'm from a-- I'm from a tough kitchen." And that's where I was raised. And when a woman talks to me, I scream right in her face. And she's cry like a little smiveling woman. And she'd say, "You can't talk to me like that." "Oh, I'm a woman." And I'd say, "Oh, don't give a crap. You've got fitness. You're gonna do what I say. Now redo the leaks, you dumb bitch." I'm like, "Free story, Leon." And it feels like we're totally bonded with your shit. Yeah. He's like basically women are nothing more than vaginas that can talk. Yeah. Like, "Great." You guys can have fun eating chips, talking about all the not pussy you're getting. Idiot. Yeah, exactly. Both of you. And this is also where Emile's like, "Why are they a chef? He had a good night." And he's like, "Yeah, would you do, young man?" "Oh, I'm estimated six times in watch porn. I made it six times there." I mean, there's little Emile's all over the ceiling of my bunk. Embarrassing. Have to look at my own dead babies. How many times did you jerk off, chef? The chef's like, "Uh, uh, oh, well, she's like, you need to masturbate more. You need to jerk it. Get it in there." Really? Where are you masturbating six times on that ship? Where? I want to know. White volcano cake. White volcano cake. And like Alex P. Keaton's sperm makes everybody a better worker. His'll just give everybody a muffin top and just make a talk really awfully to women. And a haircut from Wall Street in 1987. So then things really kick into passive aggressive mode. So Kate, now we are totally on Kate's side. And because Leon is a jerk. But Kate is not making things better for herself. Because she's awful. But she has been the rules. But she's decided, you know what? Leon's an asshole. I don't like Leon. I'm going to be a bitch to him and I don't care. Which, I like the empowered sentiment of that. But she really, when she decides to be a bitch, it's like, she's really a bitch. Now, Kate, we know you listen. We love you, Kate. But you're such a bitch to Leon. And Leon's a bigger asshole to you than you are a bitch to him. But I guess it's my way. Kate started it. He did. Like if you want to get down to the base. She's not innocent of it. If you want to get down to the base. Of course Kate started it. She's totally rude and passive aggressive. And she's in a position of management. And she's allowed to. Like, that's just how it is. Like when you work in any kind of lower, you know, service. Studying. I mean, come on. But she's basically, I mean, I can't tell if I love Kate for this. Because she's like, you know what? Fuck him. I am just going to just be a total bitch to him over any little thing he does. For instance, he puts like a double smear on the plate. And she's like, oh, a double puree smear. Wow. Look at that. Chew smears tonight. It's a special night for Leon. He's doing something different. It's like, it's so bitchy. And it's, I don't know whether to embrace it. Because he yelled at her. OK, so here's how I look at it. She started it because she's just Kate. And she's like that. She's so, of course. She's always starting it. I love it. But he took, he just takes it too far. Because he, you just can't talk like that to a chick. Like, or at work, not even a chick. And there's probably like that at work. You can't be that mean. He could be just as passive aggressive back and be like, well, I'd love to tell you what's on the menu. Today, if I could see past your, you know, floaty lips, bitch. You know, or something. He said a lot of nasty things. This is aggressive. Yeah. Other take the bitch off. And it was passive aggressive. You could do that. But you can't just like yell and be rate a woman. And then kind of get that angry. He was getting so angry that you just can't do that around a woman. Because it's like, what is the woman now? Because that's what it looked like. Like, you can't act like that. Well, he's also, he's never made any effort to try to get to the root of the problem for communication. She, even though Kate is bitchy and passive aggressive, she has tried to be like, OK, we need to fix some things. And he's just like, we don't have to fix anything. I do my thing. And you have to shut up. You know? But so-- Walk it off his ass when he's that much of a dick to a man. Because the way that he treats the women on-- And I'm not really big on all that PC bullshit. So I'm not just calling him a sexist, like, as a social justice warrior. That guy's literally a fucking sexist asshole. He doesn't pay the women any respect. When Amy talks to him, he just completely ignores her and won't speak to her either. And she's not being a bitch. Right, right. I hear it like being told what to do by a woman. Tough shit. That's why you lost yours. And now you're on the sea, still being bussed around by women. We call that karma. You're sexist piece of shit. Now, stop eating so much and worrying about your eyebrows and your fucking facials. You'll look like a fig. Well, I loved when Kate just started going at him. She's asking what the meal is. And he's like, "Oh, mead scale up St. Jacques." And she's like, "Oh, I didn't know we were a bilingual kitchen now." She's like, "Just bipolar." "Just bipolar." Oh, god. And then, of course, Leon makes his signature beef cheeks. Which, of course, the beef cheeks-- oh, those bothercates so much. No, I understand what she's saying when she's like, "Why not change it up? Why not change it up?" But the truth is, if it's always new guest, does he really have to change it up? I don't know if he has to. No, but Leon having to make things like beef cheeks and ink squid shit every week. But he only knows how to do certain things. Shows that he's a one-trick pony. Exactly. And it also shows that he's trying way too hard to impress people with beef cheeks. Like, no one cares, dude. That's disgusting. It's like a delicacy that you-- he's trying to act like he's smart to be serving it. But he has only one up your sleeve. He can't even make a protein shake for crying out loud. I mean, there are certain dishes that is clear he can do really well, that-- I mean, across the board, everyone has loved his food, but he can do those dishes. But he clearly is not from what we can see that creative of a chef. He just has his things that he does. He has an air of, like, clowing desperation to be thought of as, like, smart, cultured stuff. Like, it comes off in what he cooks to me. I think where Kate gets really annoyed is that he has a signature dishes, which is fine, but he doesn't ever seem to try to challenge himself. And Kate, say what you will, she takes a huge amount of pride in doing her job. And you can really-- you actually can really see that. You can really see her always picking stuff up and doing things and getting on people, and, like, it's really important to her. And I think that the fact that he doesn't challenge himself the way, like, Ben did, Chef Ben was always trying to do something bigger and better, is I think that it comes off as someone who doesn't-- who is just coasting. And even if he does have creativity in him, he's not exploring it. And so-- He's lazy. He is lazy and-- And he gets mad at people when people want him to do something different. When they-- like, if they say, can you make me a quesadilla, his thought isn't, OK, I'm going to make a really cool quesadilla for you. It's more like, fuck them quesadillas. People-- I think exactly-- and I know exactly what's going through your mind, Kate, because we're both bitches at heart. We've got the same DNA. I think that when she sees someone lose their temper like that, that is a huge sign of weakness, huge. If somebody cannot control their temper in a work environment, they're a weak human being. And when thing Kate does not have any fucking use for, is a weakling. So I think she looks at him as a moronic weakling. And I don't blame her. And I think her problem with Amy at first was that she was a weakling. But then Amy proved that even though she acts like she's weak, she's not. So she's good. Like she does her job. And she's strong when she needs to be. And she earned her respect. You're never going to earn a person like that's respect by being a whiny. You know, yelly, shouty, losing his temper. Right. And to be fair, he has lived up to all of the assumptions that Kate has made about him. Like when Kate found out that his experience was on cruise liners and not yachts. And she's like, well, here's the thing. They only serve food when they are ready to serve food. And they just serve the same thing over and over again. And there's no creativity. And then he's just pretty much done exactly what she predicted out of him. And I think that, you know, at first we were all kind of rolling her eyes and are like, oh, god, you're being like, you're being really harsh. You know, he's a cruise line, you know, cruise, whatever, chef. But now we're sort of seeing it. We're seeing that, oh, she actually had a point. She had a point that like there is a difference perhaps between being a yacht chef and a cruise chef. I mean, I don't know. We only see what we see on the show. So, you know, who are we to slam, not slander, but to take down a guy's entire like, living guy, he's doing it. But fuck off. Yeah, I agree. I agree. He's doing fuck him. Like he's an asshole. He needs to learn. He shouldn't have a bravo. He should not have a bravo. The material that they are now using against him. Well, hopefully he's at least embarrassed, you know, because it goes two ways. Either they're really embarrassed and try and change or... He will not be embarrassed. Well, he'll be in dignity. Stubborn. Yeah, he'll be stubborn and be like, well, I'm right. And they're all idiots. And then all the guys in the world who jerk off six times in five minutes will be on his side and, you know, like, start Reddit threads for him. Who knows? So that being said, like, for the next dinner, the birthday dinner, where he's Leon's supposed to make a birthday cake, by the way, because this guy's never had a birthday cake in his life, which is the biggest bullshit I've ever heard. I'm sure at some point between the ages of zero and five, he had a birthday cake. But... I'm sure the guy who needs to eat every three hours and has a pink sweater tied around his neck that working for daddy bought him has bought you a cake. They've at least sent out a maid for one. They're like, yeah, we'll have like, here's the birthday cake. We'll have your son bringing out to you. Sorry, dad. They never gave me a cake. Yeah, that's it. They never gave me the cake. Just don't look at my bedroom. Sorry, dad. I got the cake, but I ate it. Yeah. Are those crumbs under your lapels? No, no crumbs. They just never gave me a cake. So anyway, so Leon for dinner, he made this dish called pum fondant, which I have actually, I had actually never heard of before, but it's like a potatoes fried butter cheese. And so Kate is like, she's like, what's that? He's like pum fondant. She's like, and one of those like, he's described. She's like, OK, so they're like deep fried potatoes. They know the pum fondant called them pum fondant, not deep fried potatoes. She's like, OK, OK. And she goes out there. She's like, all right, right now we got some beef cheeks and some deep fried potatoes to go look like this. Oh, so funny. I'd like to introduce our new dish for this evening. It's called, let's pretend that we are at a Walmart right now. Would you like the popcorn or the hot dog? Here's some here's something from chef Stauffer's. I'm sorry, his name is Chef Leon. He just uses Stauffer's for everything. Here you go. I would love to have dehydrated something for you, but the box for the dehydrator is full of mold. So thank you for coming to dinner. Apparently the dehydrator only works if there's a box to put it in afterwards. So I'm sorry we don't have the scallop turkey that Chef Leon is going to prepare for you. Hopefully you enjoy these beef cheeks. The chef likes to call them. Turn that frown upside down. I don't know what I'm saying. It's just a funny thing to say. So Walmart, that's Walmart static. I hope you enjoy these. It came straight from a rollback savings event. I was going to call this dish number four, but it just rolled back to a number two. So enjoy that. We're starting with dessert first, because we would like to roll back the progression of this dinner. Enjoy. The chef has prepared for you a study in mac and cheese on the left. You'll find the craft brand in the middle of Stauffer's. And on the right is the luine cuisine. Please enjoy. You'll notice that the carrots were cut by a terrible failed dinner theater actress. Enjoy. Thank you for coming. Here we have a tasting. We have a broccoli tasting. This here on the left is a jolly green giant brand. And on the right, the generic Walmart brand, please enjoy. Do you hear the leaf blower thing? Is that what that is? I was wondering. I just assumed that Chef Leon grinding through your wall to come kill you. Checking all six times in a row. Always right by my window. I'm like, I'm so sorry. I had one. That's fine. I had one earlier. No, no, no. It might take a while. Just pretend it's the sound of the waters. So let's let's. So so the next we have it's night service and Rocky is flirting with the sky. You got to love it. I know we got it's like three hours of leaf blowers. Later when I'm in my underwear, like time does better leaf blower. All right. So let's let's power through here. So Rocky's flirting. Oh, I want to be here 20 hours. And then Amy's like, hey, Rocky, I know y'all. I haven't a great time. But maybe you can clean some glasses. Oh, Rocky's fucking farting down on the deck. Like doing lines with the guys out of here. It's like, I need to let loose guys. Yeah, like dancing all sexy and talking about how she needs to let off some steam. Yeah. So then Amy then Amy goes and FaceTime's with her hot brother Kelly from last season. And she's like, I feel lonely. I don't have any friends. Oh, although this is really friendly red snapper that I found and he's real nice. Doesn't really speak English. But like I like to talk to him and he seems to share things with me. Sometimes he blows a bubble and I'm like, Oh, thanks. Oh, Amy, it's good to hear you're doing good. Did the starfish ever take you back? No, he didn't. It got me real concerned. I think that maybe they let him out of the touch tank. That brother's hot. I do not appreciate that he was on the show with a shirt on. That's bullshit. Yeah, that was bullshit. Yeah. So she tried to have her talk with Rocky and she was like, Rocky, I just want to hug you with some advice. Okay. You're lazy and terrible. Okay. I'm so good talking. Rocky's like, man, I am. And then Rocky throws a fucking five year old's fit. I can't do anything right. I'm not going to do like Java. I'm like, all I do is like my job. Like, I don't even know what else to do because you guys are going to be like, that's not your job. I'm going to be like, but I'm doing it. Yeah. Amy is like, Amy is like, Rocky, don't go there with your like, like don't go there. You're attitude suck. Don't go there. And Rocky is like, I want to go there. Like talking to my niece throwing a fit. My brother-in-law just goes cadence because cadence. Why? Why are you sobbing and screaming like that? You can stop it if you wanted to. No, I can't. Yes, you can't just stop it. I can't. Why are you crying? I don't know. So Rocky. It's so Rocky. Oh, I thought you were going to say something else. I was like, so, I thought you were starting a sentence. No, no, no, I'm just so. So anyway, it's the next morning. Oh, I think actually the last... The beef chicken dinner was not the birthday dinner, not that it really matters in any form. But I just don't want to give false information about blow deck. So that is the next morning. For some reason, I think at one point, the camera panned onto the hot guy's bio again. And at what I'd like to say, like, it was like, dislike. Pine nuts. Like, no, don't give Ryan Gosling pine nuts. So I don't know why it's so stupid. But it's like, that's the random shit that makes me laugh when sometimes like... Like things that don't pop my collar. Yeah, pine nuts. And I don't want to get the case of pine mouth. Eyelash just falling out on cheeks. Thank you for asking Ryan Knottling. So it's the next morning, and Leon is like... He's, I don't know, he's poking around in the kitchen, making these little Doritos, essentially. And so Kate's like, "Hey, Leon, what are you making?" And he's like, "What?" Nothing. What? Nothing. What? Nothing. What? Nothing. What? Is that Frank? Is that more French? What? Is that Chilien? What are you speaking now, Chef? What did you learn on your cruise? What did you learn on your cruise ship? It was like Lisa Simpson and Bart. It was like... Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Over there, yet. Over there, yet. Over there, yet. So he's like, nothing, nothing, nothing. And then, so here, another great passive rest moment. Emil walks in, he's like, "Hey, what, what you got going there?" Making little triangles out of your jizz. And Leon's like, "Oh, actually, I'm not going to do this." And he's like, "I'm going to make a trip." "I'll tell you about it." Because I don't want to tell someone who's false, like that one over there. Meanwhile, Kate's like standing right there. So then Kate's response is that when the guests ask for a lobster omelet, she's like, "If he wants to treat me like waitstaff, then I will be like waitstaff." And she writes down the order and just hands it forward, like service, like expediting. Which I actually thought seemed like it made sense. Well, yeah, someone's not going to talk to you. You've got to communicate. It's like that roommate that you hate, you know? Yeah. It's like, stop jizzing on the couch. A meal. Yeah. So then Connie is like, "Wow, man. The vibe inside is terrible." And then Emil's response is like, "Yeah, I think it's because of me and Rocky." "No one's stressed out because of me and Rocky." And then poor Connie. I mean, you know, I give Connie shit here and there, but she's more or less like coming out the best this season. And she's like, "Oh, Emil, you can be one or the other. Pretty or dumb, but you can't be both." I'm like, actually, I think specifically you can be both. I think it's pretty or smart. Connie is saying like she doesn't even know the saying. She says, "You are an idiot. You are so dumb. You know it's so weird. Like some people are dumb and some are pretty, but you're like not supposed to be both, but you are both. You're like, like you're so dumb. You're prettier than you would be normally." Does that make any sense? He's like, "I don't know. You want me to stick my fingers up your carnal design." "I'll hold." And we'll see. Oh, no means yes, right? So then the girlfriend of the primary is talking about dinner. Okay, big birthday dinner coming up. And Leon's like, "I'm gonna make some rabbit." And she's like, "Oh, that's so funny. I've only had rabbit once and when I had it, it was because my mom cooked my pet rabbit and it was the most traumatic experience in my life." And I was like, "Great. I'm gonna serve a rabbit." Oh, and Amy. You can't do that. That is traumatic. You can't just give someone a little bunny when they saw a bunny dies. Like someone trying to serve me a starfish on a skewer. I once boiled a bunny and I learned that is not the way to get to a man's heart. So Leon, you really should really consider this dinner. (laughs) Leon is forcing Elba me to eat a rabbit. I mean, that is the most awful thing ever. And he's had children. What is wrong with the man? So, and then of course, Kate, she chonsers. I mean, who would eat rabbit, right? Let's eat that rabbit right after we eat bambi, right? Yeah, okay. Everything food is disgusting. I just like, a quesadilla. Why would you do that to yourself? Okay, I'll put that order right in. I mean, why not just serve them shots of Ipacac? I mean, seriously. Is there any dreino in the aisle, Chef? You might want to just pour shots of that because there's no hope for any taste on this boat. Is there a box for the rabbit? I just want to check. Did that rabbit come in a box? Or was it from the freezer? By the way, so you know what? Here's something I noticed. Every time on this show that they do like one of those 24 montages, you know, when they like split the screen up into like five different panels? Yeah, it is. Every single time Leon is like hovering over a bull, chowing down. He's like, he's either chowing down or he's napping. That's all it is. Is him over a bull or him napping? Yeah, he either stopped wearing Spanx or he has gained a lot of weight in the short amount of time. Him and him and Emil both, a fat shaming you both there. There, I said a fat person, fat shame. What's all hug? It's all hug. Well, it's uh, dinner. So dinner comes and goes. I don't see any birthday cake. I don't see even a lava cake. I don't know. Is that maybe still to come? I'm not sure. But what I do know is that Leon goes to sleep and the guests are hungry. So Kate's like, okay, we can make some popcorn and some pizza. And Kate manages to like pretty much burn down the yacht in the kitchen. She put the popcorn in for like 30 minutes. The pizza, I don't know. Oh, I think she put the pizza in. Oh, you know what? She preheated the pizza, the oven, and there were dry pans in there. And so the pans caught on fire. Yeah, or potatoes or something. Because they opened it before. Yeah, there were some potatoes. When she was cooking and there were potatoes or something, it looked all dried and gross. Like someone did it. That thing is like a graveyard, basically, that oven. Something was messed up. And so when the episode ended, the pizza was saved, but there was like a full-on fire in the oven. And of course, no one decided to close the oven door. So the cliffhanger is raging fire in the oven. And they're like, where's the fire extinguisher? Where's the fire extinguisher? Which is so bad. Of course, very concerned. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like you actually don't even give that in your speech. Like, and there's the fire extinguisher. Yeah. Where's the exit? They were going all crazy. And I thought it was a really fun twist that it turned out to be Kate that burned down the kitchen and not Rocky. Because this whole episode, it's been Rocky's in the kitchen. Watch out. And then there's going to be a fire in Rocky's in the kitchen. And then it turns out it was Kate and Rocky, of course, does what any child would do. It wasn't me. It wasn't my fault. They swear. It wasn't me. I swear. It wasn't me. I was like, she runs through the boat. It's just screaming. It wasn't me. I swear. Yeah. And then she kept yelling, why, Kate, what did you do, Kate? Kate, what did you do? Like blaming Kate and then Kate, Kate runs in. She's like, what? What do you say? There's food? What is-- I don't know how to do that. Why didn't anybody-- OK, just open something. I did it. Well, open something else. I did it. Well, and then Kate runs. Like her skinny ass runs with her high heels through the kitchen, waving her arms over her head. [LAUGHTER] Not having any idea what to do, so she's just running through the kitchen with her arms kind of waving too slowly to do anything. It was like cue the Benny Hill music. [LAUGHTER] It was so funny for some reason. But done, done, done, done. Next week, the devil really comes out of the arbres as the obese chef, the now 500 pounds overweight chef, has a meeting with the captain. And he's like, well, the boat was almost burnt down, bar cate. And I don't want to say it, but she was drinking. And then he smiles with his evil Disney villain eyes. Yeah, that's bad. It's really bad. I hope he gets canned. They keep on saying that Chef Ben is coming back. So I hope he gets-- I hope he gets canned because he has, ultimately, regardless of the past's aggressiveness between the two of them, he's the one who's been slacking on his job more. He's the one who, you know, when the guests ask for protein shakes, he didn't have protein shakes. When the guests, when the foodies came, instead of stocking up on food beforehand, he, like, decided the next day to order the food. He's the one that, you know, he grumbles about making brownies, and he makes them out of a box instead of just melting some chocolate and some-- Yeah, he's like eggs. --and some eggs. And he is just, you know, like, he's a problem. As much shit as we talk about people on this show, the reason that we like them is because, well, I like them is because you identify in some way, and you're kind of rooting for the people no matter what. I mean, even the worst people on housewives, usually you want to root for them, even Kyle, like I kind of root for in life in general. But when they're so detestable that you just want them to go away, that's not fun. Yeah, I have to say, I actually think that, you know, again, we make fun of all these people because that's just what we do. But the truth is, when I watch this show, especially the interior, about how these stews have to, like, they have to clean. They're constantly cleaning. And that's a big-- I mean, it's hard enough for me to clean my 550 square foot apartment, OK? And these women are cleaning nonstop after these people. But not just cleaning, they're serving them. They're waiting on them from dawn until late at night. It's just it's never ending, and that's hard. If they just had to clean, that would be hard. If they just had to serve them, that would be hard. They just had to take them, you know, on these little adventures. But they had to do all of that. Yeah, they really were. Damn, that is a lot of shit. It is the only show on Bravo where people actually work. Because Vanderpump rules, they don't work. Get out of here. They barely show up. They show one day a week because, like, one person has to be there to, like, get pictures taken with behind the bar or something. But they're never in there. You know, it's not like this where they're like, there's no where to go. There's no where to hide a B team to come in and take over when you're sick of working. There's just you. So watching children lose it is really, like, rocky. Really is so fun. Because where's she going to go? Like, OK. I thought she jumps into the water. Have fun doing laundry in the morning. You know? Yeah, I mean, it's-- and yeah, and like, you're doing laundry not just for the guests, but for the other crew member. I just-- oh, I see it. I just get exhausted sometimes. And I look at the dust on my bookshelf. I'm like, why-- these people can clean an entire yacht every single day. And I can't be bothered to stand up and take the canister of pledge that is literally standing there, three feet from the bookshelf and the rag that's right there that I put out there to dust. I can't be bothered to spritz the shelf and wipe and be done. I'm like, oh. My living room looks like Sanford and Sun. And it's only like-- There's a youthful reference for you. And it's crap. It's just like crap. I just-- I'll just take something off and be like, all right, go on the floor, shit. You know, so why? Like, what's wrong with you? I'm not walking around drunk all day. I live in a one bedroom. It's sad. So yeah, seeing people do that. Oh, god. I know. I know. But anyway, that brings us to another end of-- Working, working, working, the musical. That actually is a musical, a dumb one. I don't want to hear some stuff. And a former sitcom, like that. Every putty. Thank you so much for coming and listening. And go to the usuals. Watch whatcrapins.com has all of our links to our Facebook. Subscribe to our bonuses at Patreon. Our Hangouts in one hour. So that announcement does you know good. But it's going to be fun to talk to you guys. Yeah. And again, check out that new Patreon reward level where you can submit questions. And we will start dedicating a segment of the show to answering these questions. And then perhaps even set up a voicemail situation. Which will be really fun. Yeah. We'll name it. Maybe we'll give away naming rights to the mailbag section. If you donate $6, you get to have your name on the mailbag section. Yeah, the more subscribers we get there, the more we actually do, the more content we come out with outside of the podcast as we can stay at home more. And so thank you for that. It's lovely. Hopefully one day we can have an all crap talking channel. All day long. It'll just be like, oh, I'm at the Whole Foods. This bitch in front of me's purse is fake. Whatever. We'll be there all day. Exactly. It's growing, people. Yes. Thank you, everybody. Thanks, everyone. We'll be back. Bye. [MUSIC PLAYING] If you like Watchbook Crapins, you can listen ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey at Wondery.com/survey. Have you ever wondered who created that bottle of sriracha that's living in your fridge? Or why nearly every house in America has at least one game of monopol. Introducing the best idea yet, a brand new podcast about the surprising origin stories of the products you're obsessed with. Listen to the best idea yet on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.
