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(upbeat music) ♪ That's what it shows ♪ ♪ Bandred pony rules ♪ ♪ Come and gather 'round and make a hula kiss ♪ ♪ A podcast of robo ♪ ♪ No big rush with robo ♪ ♪ I'm so payin' on my camera, bravo ♪ ♪ Watch what crap is ♪ ♪ Watch what crap is ♪ ♪ Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap is ♪ ♪ Pappins ♪ ♪ Pappins ♪ ♪ Pappins ♪ ♪ Pappins ♪ ♪ Watch what crap is ♪ ♪ Watch what crap is ♪ ♪ Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap is ♪ ♪ Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap is ♪ - Today's episode of Watch what Crapins was brought to you by Premium subscribers, Claudia Catalina and Christy Doherty. We love you girls. Now on to the show. - Hi everybody, welcome to the Watch what Crapins podcast. A podcast about all that crap we love to talk about. I'm Provo. I'm Ronnie Karam from Trash Talk TV. And as you, I'm with the gorgeous, handsome, intelligent food understanding, Ben Mandelker. Of the B-side blog in the band to Belinda. Hello, Ben. - Hello, Ronnie. Happy birthday. - Hello, four. - Oh, I'm super excited. - Hey buddy, you can come to our Facebook page, facebook.com/watch what Crapins to talk to other listeners and talk shit about the shows the night they air. And that's always a really front page. We get most of what we talk about on here from that page. So please let us steal from you. Come to Facebook.com/watch what Crapins. On Twitter, we're @letcrapins. If you want to find all of our info, our personal links and all of that stuff, come to watch@crapins.com. And finally, thank you to all of our premium subscribers on patreon.com/watch what Crapins. - Yes, love those patreon, P-A-T-R-E-O-N.com/watch what Crapins. That's where you can come subscribe to bonus episodes and get a bunch of extras and stuff. And we had our Hangout last week and that was soup spine. - Soup's really good. - And we just did our bonus episode right before this and we went in. I think that was, was that like an hour long episode? That was a long one. - Oh my God, I was pissed. - We were, we talked about the Ashley Madison stuff. So we talked about Josh Tucker, but more importantly, Josh Takeman, Kristin's husband who is caught on this. We talked about that. We talked about Jared Fogle and his molesti ways. - Oh wow. - It waa. - And we talked, here's the surprise. We talked a lot about Kim Richards again. - This is like, it's not even fun anymore honestly. I'm just filled with rage at this point. I mean, we talked about molestation, rape, cheating and-- - Murder. - Kim, basically. Oh yeah, I'm a little surreal. I've had it. - I've had it with the fucking world, okay? Bye world. Bye. - It was, I was fun. I enjoyed that bonus episode. I think you'll all enjoy it. So if you want to listen to it, it's a whole extra hour's worth of Crapin's insight. - Yeah, I think I'm gonna call that bonus 40 year old rage. I'm not gonna, I don't think we ever title the bonus. What do you do? Do I title it? - I usually just list, I usually just list what, you know, well, my bonus episode titles are usually just like, for example, it would say Josh Tucker, Josh Takeman, comma, you know, Jared Fogle. - Jared Fogle. - Just so we said what's in it. - Special Jared Fogle. - Special Jared Fogle for child molesters so they don't get raped and prison. Like that's still, I'm not gonna get over that, by the way. That's, I'm furious that they have that. Like protect the child molesters. That would be horrible if they got raped. No, rape the child molesters, okay? And if any of you know a child molester, break a bottle and rape them. That's what they deserve. Like what the hell? We're gonna be nicer to child molesters. Get the fuck out of here. I'm sick of it. Bye world. - So in case you couldn't tell Ronnie turned 40 today, that's why he's so happy. - Ronnie, how do you feel about the fact that your birthday is falling on the same day that Bravo's MyFab40 is premiering? - Is that true? Oh my God. - It's premiering tonight. - I didn't even know. - I didn't even know. - You were, yeah, you're loving the dream. - That's right. - Bad 40 birthday. It's your Fab40 happening right now. - Fab40, oh yeah, that's great. - You know what's so weird is I, I don't really have any like bad emotions. I've been saying for two years, I'm 40. Like when people ask me, I say I'm 40 because I figured it would be really hard and I was gonna fall into some weird depression but I didn't. But then I'm so mad about things that shouldn't be making me mad. Like what's the shock that the guy from Subway is like a disgusting child? Like who cares? How does that affect me? I'm very mad. - Well, for some people they may be affected 'cause they like seeing Jared Fogle's warm smile greeting them in the subway shop. - Oh fuck that. I'm so glad not to see that cardboard get out anymore 'cause I almost punched him every time. I was like this guy's like a thin. It's like what are you, what are you celebrating here? This guy's not even thin, okay? He looks like a sleeping bag with glasses on. Get him the hell off of my diet. - I've had to say, he looks like a human pair. - Yeah, like why is he like the poster, like literally the poster boy for being thin? Okay, get the fuck out of here. - Also, one of the least surprising twists of all time. Oh, Jared Fogle's, as a child molester, probably couldn't see that coming. - Yeah. - Oh God. - Anyway. - He only lacks his sound which is fresh people, that was your first clue. - He's like, I want that, I want that turkey sound which straight out of the, I mean, oven. Straight out of the oven. - He's like, I only want to eat food from places where 16 year olds made sandwiches. That's the only place I want to be around. So anyway, yeah, so we were supposed to have a live show tonight. So if you were looking forward to see our live show, sorry, this is not happening. - Well, at least we never said where it was 'cause I would feel terrible if people actually went there. Like if we had to actually go sit at that place and like pretend to like their, I don't know, what did they even serve there? Like they're gigantic things that I can't eat. I feel, I would feel like Shannon in their work. - I would feel sorry. - I can't eat that. I can't eat that. I'm too fat for this place. I was restaurant is killing me. It's killing me there. I can't eat that. - If we sent anyone, the intersection of Hollywood and Highland by accident, I would feel terrible. I would feel absolutely terrible. So you have to go there if you have something very important. Otherwise, avoid darling. Go around like everyone else. Co-wenga exit telling. - So we're gonna try to put together our own thing on our own, but we still have much of humongous amounts of love to the women at for crying out loud. - Oh yeah, for showzies. We're gonna have such a fun live show when we finally do it here in LA. - Yeah. - I cannot wait because the one in Texas was so much fun. I can't wait to see what it would be like here in LA with all these crazies. - Yeah, it'll be, it'll be, it'll be amazing. - Oh and I would like to make a quick announcement. Laurieann Commons, you weren't at our last hangout and it was noticed and I pissed. - Well, it was also on a Wednesday, so, you know, those things have to put the help people. All right, let's all stop acting like we're surgeons at certain days of the week, okay? - Wednesday's not that different from a Thursday or a day. It's one day before telling. It's a hump-hump day, all right? - It's a hump day. - It's a hump day. - Come hump us, darling. - All right, so, I was gonna talk about my quandary between choosing a Casper mattress or Elisa mattress, but I think we should just get on with the-- - Well also, Casper, duh, they support our show. So, you better sleep on some support. - Well, they aren't advertising this week. So, hence-- - I know, that's true. - I am looking at Lisa mattresses too, which apparently is also very good. So, if anyone has any advice-- - Nothing like committing to something to sleep with and then finding out that, at least not committing to you. - It's something better. - Right, Ashley Madison people. - That's right. It's also the theme of Orange County, Real Houses of Orange County, every season, that there's always something better to sleep on. - Also, I wanna thank the hackers of Ashley Madison, because, well, first of all, hackers in general, okay? - Yes, there's the people who send the emails from Nigeria who trick me into giving them my bank account number, because they know someone with less than Karen who died in Lebanon or whatever. Okay, there's that kind of hacker, that's bad. Or the pop-up ads that like download stuff to your computers, that's bad. Okay, you're bad. But I would like to thank the good hackers of the world, the superheroes who do their best to take down the lying government and the lying husbands of the world. You guys are doing a great job. Keep it up, love ya. - Yeah. - Yeah, nice work. - Nice work. - Glad to sing some brains being used for some positive things in this world. - Yes, and one other shout out, I wanna give a shout out to all the dumb bitches out there in the world, including a woman from Connecticut. This, by the way, has nothing to do with Bravo, but I just read this right now, and it's cracking me up. From Stanford, Connecticut, I used to work there when I worked at, I worked at the World Wrestling Federation. But this Connecticut woman, she got mad at her friend and he'd whore, the word whore, into the side of the friend's car, but the woman's so dumb. She didn't know how to spell it, and she keyed war instead, W-O-R-E. So congratulations. - Oh my God. - Shannon, Sapia. - That is so embarrassing. - She should be on the Real House of the Orange County. This dumb bitch. - Why would someone keep my car? To my outfit, it must be my outfit. I knew I shouldn't have bought this. (laughing) - War. - Someone who just won't ever wear a T-shirt the same twice. The same T-shirt twice. - You are war. - You wore this. - You wore this. - You are war T-shirt. I'm gonna keep this T-shirts car. - War. - Maybe next time he'll think before she spells. So let's talk about it. So let's talk about Real House of the Orange County, and the episode started out with Ryan, Tamerson Ryan, and his fiancee showing up at Vicky's house. So these are two people who-- - Girl, I would not-- - I would marry some medicine notes. - You wouldn't be surprised if what? - I'd about to say, I wouldn't be surprised if one of these two also keyed a misspelled word into someone's Chevy blazer at some point in their lives. - You know there's some Koto insurance magnets missing from that fridge, 'cause if anybody's gonna be shot stealing shit from your house, is that grease ball? - Yeah. So basically, Vicky has volunteered to host the white trash wedding of the summer. - Yeah, Tamara came over with the kids. He had to plaque that wedding. And it's kind of, I like that Vicky was like, oh yeah, it's real special that I'm doing this for you. Because you're gonna have this in your memory forever. Look, right over there's where I called you to see where the first time, oh look over there. That's when you said Brooks was a liar and abusing me. Oh, wasn't that fine? Look, look at all the memories. - Oh, that over there, that's where Gina threw wine in your face. (laughing) - Oh, no, I'm sorry, that's where you threw wine in Gina's face. I'm supposed to, I can't keep you silly bitches apart. - Totally. And then, yeah, the man comes in. And I'm so glad to see that they're getting married, 'cause Tamara's like, they were gonna get married last year, but first came up, baby, bitch. First came up, bitch, baby. And now they're gonna get married. And I'm like, you know, that's so romantic that they're getting married, because it's so tacky to abuse your girlfriend. But your wife, I'm gonna like, you've committed to that, bitch, beater. I'm just kidding. In all the news today, seriously, women, like women, women of the world, grow a fucking pair and stop putting up with this shit. I'm sick of it, I'm sick of it. Okay, that's all, enough rage, rage back in. By the way, I love how you've started to do Tamara's voice. - Batch, bitch, 'cause it reminds me of a few seasons ago when Bad Romance Lady Gaga's Bad Romance came out. And, you know, there's a part in that song where Lady Gaga says something like, 'cause I'm a free bitch, baby. And then like Tamara clung onto that. And then like, for the next 10 episodes, she was like, whatever, I'm a free bitch, baby. It's like, all right, Tamara, get it. You've listened to Lady Gaga, okay, you get it. - I, well, we've done that for a long time, but the thing that really got me back on it was I was watching clips when I, I fell down a YouTube hole one night and I was watching reunion clips and dying because it was from, well, she's horrible at every reunion, but I think it was two years ago when she was just like, Batch, like everything that came out of her mouth is, Batch, you're a bitch, you're a stupid bitch. Jesus, judge, Batch. I was like, I love it, she's like, I'm the hottest bitch here. - I don't care if I have a total cut fitness about it. - Oh, I wanted to tell you somebody tweeted at Reagan from Big Brother and said, oh yeah, the guys from, the guys from Watch What Crap Inz call people a cut fitness now. - Yeah, that's what that is. - Because of her, he's like, that's hilarious. - Yeah, why don't you know, 'cause I know that you like Reagan and that was yours. So there you go. - Oh, but that didn't realize it was mine. But I'll take it. I'll take it. - Take it, copyright it. - Yeah, so anyway, Vicki's gonna have this wedding in the backyard and then of course, Tamara in the middle of it has to be like, yeah, I then think of getting baptized, Batch. - I'm like, shut up. - I'll put your fucking baptism. - Batch ties. - Shut up with that. Yeah, I'm gonna get, I'm gonna get Jesus, Batch. (laughing) I want to get a Jesus golden shower, Batch. - I don't want to bitch, I like that bitch ties. I'm gonna get a batch ties, Batch. - I'm gonna get a batch ties, Batch. (laughing) - And immediately after, Vicki's like, oh yeah, you know, oh okay, baptism, great. God's word, you know, great. - I got the kiddie pool 'cause there's no way you're gonna contaminate my grotto. (laughing) - I just got the last Don Pugh out of there. You're not going in there, Missy. Not with that weave. - They get a late Havasu. There's enough germs in there that you'll fit right in. - My mic might be too loud. I'm sorry if I've been busting out your all speakers. I just moved it away from my face a little bit. - You sound great in my ears. - Well, you never know, the way the podcast records it. I've been showing a little red dot, which we've only been recording for an hour, so I'm sorry for just noticing that now. Anyway, at least the mic's on, so that's a nice change. - All right, yeah. - But yeah, so she's, they're talking about how Tamara's gonna get a baptism, which, I mean, we've never seen paintings of Jesus laughing, but man, if there was a painter up in heaven right now, I'd like to think he would be painting a guffawing Jesus Christ. - Yeah, I'm just imagining the Sistine Chapel and like those two fingers and said somehow they just magically be like, ew, they're changing just these hands, like ew. - Yeah, they'll be like, ew, they're just giving each other a dirty look, like I'm not talking yellow. - Yeah, no. - So Vicki's like, oh, you're gonna have such great memories and Tamara's like, did you hear about dinner? Oh, the memories are gonna be, dinner, dinner, did you hear, oh, the memories though. - Dinner, did you hear about dinner? It's like, listen, can you just at least finish your thought about being a Christian before you throw somebody under the fucking camel? I don't wanna say bus 'cause we're talking about like Christian, like camel, whatever. - The none bus. - The none bus, yeah. So then Tamara tells the totally innocent version of, well basically I guess she was just scoping this out to see what Shannon actually said, right? - Yeah, and so Vicki said, oh, you know, I didn't hear anything. And then that's when Tamara was like, oh, well, let me explain what Megan actually said. But she's not, she's not a potster or guys. She can't even believe anyone would call her a potster. But anyway, let me tell you what Megan said. - What Megan said about the psychic that I invited, because I have to point out that at some point, Tamara was like, well, it's not like I like invited, she said something like, it's not like, why is she mad at Megan, it's not like Megan invited her. I'm like, yeah, you did. - So what's your point? - Yeah, you idiot. I love that these people can't even argue with any sense. Like their arguments are even so retarded against each other. And I love it. Please never change. We'd have nothing to talk about. - So then Tamara tells Vicki everything. And then Vicki, I love Vicki's response. She's basically been hanging out with Shannon Bedore too long. She's like, well, I'm not gonna listen to Megan Edmond, who's 30 years old. Oh, yeah, you know, Brooks and I, I'm not gonna listen to some 30 year old. We have our own truth. We are living our truth. I'm like, what? Listen, I get the saying our truth, but Vicki said our truth like 75 times. Honey, you know that our truth and the truth? There's just the truth. Like I get that you have your own reality and stuff, but to be saying like, that's alike 'cause we're living our truth? No, bitch, truth is truth. And I think you just figured out that yours isn't. Seeing as how you broke up with him on the counter week and put it on Facebook last week. Exactly. And then Vicki goes on to say that for Megan to even believe a psychic shows how immature she is, bitch, you just had a psychic in your own house. - You just asked the wall that he had so he has like a cavity, okay? - You just asked the wall for milk and cookies, okay, Vicki? - Shut up, yeah, shut up. Vicki, you're stupid. - She's like, Mommy, you're there still? Okay, Mom, I'll turn off the water. - Mom hates when there's writing water, you know, she's living in the wall now. Psychics are stupid. I hate that. Stupid, psychic. - Oh my God, I just remember my mom died. Oh my God. - Oh guys, she just remembered. - I just remembered that mom. - Mom. - Why aren't you answering my phone? - I just left my baba voicemail. Oh God, I forgot that my baba died. Oh God, hold me, hold me, hold me, bitch. Oh. - I just invited my mom to the wedding and I just realized she can't come 'cause I remember she died. - Oh, Vick's, oh Vicki, enough. My favorite quote from the scene is Vicki going. - Oh, that means the psychic says that he's cured. - Oh, that's great. That's just what we, that's what we're hoping for. It's so good, the psychic gave us good news. He's cured. She keeps putting her arm, she keeps doing the double arm in the air thing tonight. Whenever she talks about Jesus, basically your Christianity, she does the thing where she throws both arms up in the air, like, you think he's buying it now, bitch? Please put your arms down. You're as believable with your arms up as you are with him down, just put him down. Stop placing the energy. - So then the action, do you have anything else to say about the scene before we move on? - Cancer's the pain in the ass. I don't know why I wrote that down. Understatement. So then the action heads out to sheen our country because everyone, not everyone, but several of them went to Fontana to the Speedway for some NASCAR action, this event that Megan has put together. So Megan and Jimmy and Heather and Terry arrive in the morning at the Fontana Speedway. - It's just one of the perks of being married to Jimmy Edmonds. - She's like, you know, Jimmy gets invited to a lot of backstage things and concerts. These are just the perks of being married to Jim Edmonds. I'm like, you know what the other perk is? Having money and basically having any sort of existence or anything to claim as your own because you've got nothing. The entire marriage is a perk. - And also becoming a birth mother's. - Yeah. - She's like, one of the perks is NASCAR. The other perk is getting a child. I love just like my own. - Sorry. - The other perk is getting that very special experience of throwing out his access furniture. Such a perk. - The other perk is doing economics homework for a frat who's probably doing meth in the alley. One of the biggest perks of being married to Jim Edmonds is being able to go to Ashley furniture and pick out whatever I want. (laughing) - The best part of being married to Jimmy Edmonds is NASCAR, but also passing rent to center and saying, suckers. (laughing) I love going to Z Gallery and reminding myself of how many perks I rent in this store from Jimmy Edmonds. (laughing) - Oh, bring you it. So they go and, you know, there's some NASCAR cameos. - And Heather's being wacky. She's just one of us guys. - Yeah. - She's just one of us. She's like, oh, look, it's just cars going around in a circle. I mean, oh, you know what? I know how a car works. I don't need to see this for that long. (laughing) - Heather, she's like, I don't know what a NASCAR is, but I'm making Terry buy me one, whatever it is. (laughing) We're gonna have a bigger NASCAR than Megan's. Okay, that's all you need to know. - And our NASCAR track is gonna have a NASCAR carport. (laughing) - The NASCAR, the NASCAR rack has a special room for its luggage. (laughing) We have a special room for the tires to go into NASCAR carport. - Oh, you need to check the tires on the NASCAR. Oh, you're gonna have to go to the luggage room. That's where we keep those. It's in the tire check room. - But our racetrack has to be the shape of a square, otherwise it looks too much like an onion ring, and I can't have that. (laughing) - I don't want Terry trying to eat the NASCAR. He just bought me. That would be tacky. It's like, have your own party on your own time, okay? It's my party. - Oh, bow on a cake. (laughing) - Oh my God, yeah, Heather, I can't stand her woman of the people's chick. Oh, I want her to go back to being an evil bitch that we hated so much. I mean, I still hate her, but like, I liked it last season when I just hated her. - I hate her more now, because she's not so fake, genuine at all. Like, I like hating her more now, because it's more fun to hate somebody when they can't even pretend to be a decent human being. Like, watching her flail around and pretend to be decent is hilarious. - Yeah. - I love it. - Yeah. So anyway, so we saw Clint Boyer, and we saw Danica Patrick, and we saw what's this, Carl Edwards, which actually in like the world of NASCAR, these are huge cameos. But in the world of Bravo, it's like, who's this? - Yeah. - Who's this? - Yeah. - Why are you on my screen? My children are in the car. - Do you know what I used to do, fantasy NASCAR? - Oh God. - You know, some things you just need to keep to yourself sometimes. - No, I never really enjoyed it. Which is my friend invited me. I did it for like three or four years, and I just always guessed blindly. I was like, I'll do Clint Boyer this week. And I'd always do it. - I always get into my Shannon Bador boys. They're like, David, David, which I do. - David? - Carl? - Calbush, David. I want to know how many cars you let pass me. David, David, David, why do you always call me your pace car? David, David. - Megan's telling Heather about all this stuff, which is hilarious, 'cause she's like, yeah, Shannon said she wasn't gonna say anything to Vicky at dinner, but I guess she did, 'cause I got this text from Vicky. Let me read it to you. You're a stupid bitch. I hope you die. I'm gonna stick a fist up your vagina and twist it until your throat falls out. You don't see word. Die, bitch. - Nice text, Vicky, jeez. - I know. Like, it was total plagiarism. That's the text I always send Jimmy's ex-wives. Why would she send it to me? (laughing) - Uh, the funny thing is this came on the ex-wives phone because Jimmy won't let me have my own yet. (laughing) - I'm still waiting for my very own boost mobile phone. It's really nice coming to NASCAR, but can we go to T-Mobile and get my own phone? - No, you can use my ex-wives. - I'm putting tape on the back of it so it has my name. - Meh, meh. - The only thing I can, I'm allowed to use is Jimmy's 2004 next telephone. (laughing) - Even Hayley has a better phone. And hers is bedazzled. - Oh, Vicky. Okay, so Vicky sent her this horrible text telling a back-off. And V did insinuate, I don't know. I don't know what any of this is, but Heather's like. - Oh my God. Are you guys gonna fight in my luncheon? 'Cause is that gonna be the first time you guys see each other? Because that's the first party I'm having inside of the Not Done Help. - How many parties is this bitch gonna have for a house? How many? - Yeah, exactly. And I've never seen anyone throw as many parties in construction sites like these women from Orange County. I mean, let's not forget what happened when Tamara decided to throw a party in cut fitness before it was finished. - Oh yeah, I know kidding. - And look what happens. - Shopping when we know. - I'm even floors, I'm even floors, Heather. - Yeah. - Watch out. - Heather, you may have to build an entirely new mansion. Like the time he did when you had an accidental baby and decided you know, an entirely new house. - I like that on some of these shows, we call the women selfish and stuff because they have these lavish birthday parties for children. At least they're being supportive of their children. I mean, maybe they look like they're bragging or and they are and doing it for TV, which of course they are. But at least our kids are getting some kind of love out of it. Who's winning from this exactly? What she's like kissing the house is ass, stop with the fucking house. Do you have like nine children? Could you maybe celebrate them once? Like all she does is celebrate this fucking mall house. - Yeah. - It's like when the first mall on the west side of El Paso opened. I mean, people literally lined up for three weeks and then they tried having another mall opening like every month, the mall has our, we've already seen the clairs. Stop having mall openings, okay? Stop it. (laughs) So Heather who is, she is just a fun, loving gal these days and because she's such a fun, loving gal, she left before the race even began. Great, great job, Heather. - Yeah. - She's like, "I've gotta go design a bow for my luncheon cake." (laughs) I mean, I think she said that she had some obligation but whatever, if I got invited to like with backstage passes and VIP, et cetera, et cetera to NASCAR, I would say the whole fucking day. - Oh, yeah, Heather's on two shows now, okay. She's unbotched, it's a show, not about her house. Thank you very much. - She's playing a wife unbotched. - I'm sorry, I've gotta go to the Malibu Country reunion. - Tamara's like, "Have fun with your soap botched. "I'll be over here filming my soap batch." (laughs) - And then Shannon, of course, the life of the party shows up. - Well, I've never, I don't know anything about NASCAR but I do know that David's called me from a car and told me that he stopped on the way to do some sake. So, not happy, not happy with these cars. - The only thing I know about NASCAR is that it involves cars. - David, David, did you know more about NASCAR than I do? David, why did you ever tell me about NASCAR? David, did you tell your mistress about NASCAR? I bet you did, David. I thought this was going to be our special sport. I thought we were going to be intimate about NASCAR. - David. - David cars are moving too fast, David. Sound familiar, David, hmm? Sound familiar? - Why start vehicles? (laughing) - David, don't call anybody while they're in the NASCAR. It's rude. (laughing) - David, David, you always say you hate my checkered flooring. Why do you like this checkered flag? David, David. - Oh, so then they cut to Jim having a conversation with the other guys. These men, oh my God, they're so boring. He's like, yeah, well, this is like an accelerator and it goes on top of the muffler raider and then it accelerates. And then Terry says nothing. And then David goes, yeah. (laughing) - Well, I mean, wouldn't you be bored having to talk to Jimmy Edmonds? The guy is just a Neanderthal. They just all seem so lame. Like everybody's fighting for their merits on these shows and it's like, why you're married to like a slug? I mean, he's a slug who can buy you $7 million. - Nevermind, just answered my question. - Yeah. - Moving on. - Well, what I loved is that when they went down, they went down onto like the track. (laughing) And Chaddens was like, David, look, David, David, look. David, look. - David, David, why aren't you looking at a woman? Why aren't you looking at me? I am having 50 to 75 nugget of thoughts right now, David. David, David, oh, David, look at all these cars passing right by us pretending they don't see us. They must be in a fight. (laughing) David, I want you to write down every single car you've been in with your mistress. - David. - David. - David. - Oh, Shannon. - You know, sometimes I think that we're just constantly harping on this poor woman who's been through all of this stuff and then an episode like this, which is every episode, by the way. And Shannon starts her woe is me fake crying bullshit. And I'm like, you know what, Shannon, shut the fuck up. You're putting your entire family on TV now and mortifying everybody involved and you do it every fucking week. Okay. - It's wonderful. - It's wonderful to watch and it's just making me kind of turn because every week I'm like really Shannon again. Well, that's my birthday. Well, it's the gardening day. Well, the last time we had gardening day, David was fucking so, oh, it's my last birthday, David was fucking some, my last, last Easter, David found the day of someone else's vagina. - It's like, listen, bitch. If your husband is doing this much wrong to you, get the fuck out of there. It's not like you're saving the children, okay? You're the one with money in the first place. Get rid of it. You think your kids need to sit around there and see that? They're going to have-- - Kids are already-- - Yeah, like you're doing nobody any favors. - Yeah, exactly. But anyway, back to the NASCAR race. So then they're talking again about the situation what Megan said to Vicki, blah, blah, blah, blah. And basically it comes out, they're all basically Megan and Shannon discovered that Tamara said told Vicki everything to like Tamara. But then the best part is that like then Tamara and Shannon basically like, "Yep, it's your turn to be the asshole now. "You're going to get it from Vicki." And I mean, I hate Megan. I think she is the worst. She does, I think, have a point though. I mean, she does have a point. She can't articulate very well very often, but when she asks-- - Leena, ooh. - Stop taking words from the X-Wives. I want my own. Iceplay, I can't articulate it well. I'm just busy doing hilly's homework. - I hate articulating. They're so old. - I just end up a bit an art person. - But I mean, basically Megan's point is if Shannon has, you know, this hookup, this great hookup at this renown, is it renowned or renowned? - I think both are inseparable. - Okay, why would Brooks not take it? Like, and basically Megan's point is that Leena is fighting for her life, doing whatever she can. And it seems like Brooks is just not. I think that's a fair point to make. But of course, Megan's kind of-- - Kind of itself is not quite her place to make it. - Yeah, it's not her place to make it. And for her to pretend that she was not completely filled with glee when she heard that Brooks was probably faking cancer. I mean, come on. She wasn't just saying-- - Yeah, I was just trying to help him. - That's not what she was doing. She was totally being a bitch. And also, my aunt passed away of cancer. And my grandma got cancer a few years later and was like, I can't have chemo. I'm just gonna let it run as quiet as she died of cancer. And it was her choice because chemo is awful. And watching my aunt die that way was awful. And then Megan, the reason I'm bringing this up is because Megan's like, Leena can't even have chemo. I mean, it makes her bleed internally. So I just don't understand why someone doesn't want chemo. I'm like, you just said in the same sentence that Leena is bleeding internally. - Are we sure that it was the chemo? It was the chemo causing Leena to bleed internally. It wasn't just Megan. - Well, chemo's not going to go on. - Oh, oh, no, my liver. - Chemo kills the cells by killing cells. It kills you, you know? It's just, will it kill you faster than cancer? You know, it's so sad. - Oh, my God. - Anywho, so then I believe Tamara, we then go to a scene of Tamara, wanting to get back into real estate, bitch. I never gave up my license, bitch, 'cause I just knew one day that I was going to be running far away from my husband. - Yeah, like what? That is so romantic, Tamara. I'm glad it's working for you. - She said she's concerned now because she's concerned about not knowing anything anymore. I'm like, that never stopped you before, Tamara. In fact, I don't think you ever knew anything about anything at any time. - And what has changed so much and what has she been gone from real estate for two years? I mean, didn't two seasons ago open with her showing a house? Like, bitch, please. - Yeah, she's always showing a house. - It's so different now. - Well, so is your face. Imagine how these homes feel. - They're probably like, who are you? Who is this, who is this possum face idiot with a low hanging string belt with white jeans? If these walls could talk, hopefully they'd tell you to change your clothes, darling. - Oh, gosh. - Hopefully the house would say you're showing me in white jeans and a low hanging string belt batch. - The house is like, you're trying to haunt me. It's a ghost trying to get into me and haunt us. - Heather's got 97 closets perfectly planned. You can't do one. - Yeah. - The house is like, can we do Sage to get you out of here instead? (laughing) - It goes to like, where's that Sage at? Where's that Sage? That's her version of chemo. - Tamara's like a constantly burning sage. The ghost are just like, bah! - I am like Sage 'cause I'm the hottest realtor in Orange County. I'm burning up. - My mom was living in my house but then Tamara came over and she left. She was dying. - Ugh. - And then the whole thing is that basically Tamara is, so Ryan and the girl. - How, you know, like cut fitness batch? It's like a baby. It's like a baby. Okay, cut back knots. It's like you have it and then it's just like-- - Yeah, I don't have a baby, but warp bars. - Yeah. - It sucks you dry and then it's like walking like it's on warped floors for the first few years. And then when it's like old enough to talk to you, you're like, I'm done with you batch, bye. Tamara is like, cut fitness is like a baby, you know? It's like you have it before you're old enough to know what to do with it. So then you just let it out in the world and it gets a bunch of tattoos and it has another cut fitness. Before it's old enough to know what to do with it's own cut fitness. That's what cut fitness is like. - It's just like a baby 'cause you're like, "Ah baby, when are you gonna start making some money "and stop asking me for things?" Broke, baby, stupid, bro, babies. - My favorite part about being a parent to cut fitness is taking cut fitness to Lake Havasu and having a beer with it for the first time. - I love when cut fitness like abuses his girlfriend and then decides to at least marry her because I raised a good cut fitness, okay? It's called commitment. - No one knows what it's like to only be able to see cut fitness half the time. - I love when she says cut fitness is like a baby. You remember that you had like a little plastic male ugly, like one of those real ugly babies last year and you couldn't take care of it, right? That kind of explains a lot. - Yeah, exactly, and if cut fitness is like a baby and basically if Ryan is any indication of how your babies turn out, I'd be very concerned about your fitness. - Yeah, but fitness is gonna be trying to get on son-to-van arcade like years too late. - Cut fitness has been taking steroids. - Cut fitness, dip it, bad, bad. Yeah, it's just like a baby that you have on the show. You fucking ignore it most of the time and just use it as a plot point. Get dumb, batch. - So sorry, not buying this whole camera is such a nice person thing. - I'm gonna get baptized. Am I glad? Did you hear about prexis fake cancer at dinner from a psychic that I hired that Meghan totally misconstrued and tried to ruin your life? Bicca? Bicca? Did you? - Oh, so then meanwhile, then we go to Shannon, David. And Shannon's kids are like doing arts and crafts or doing something they're doing. They're doing something pleasant and nice and Shannon was actually filing and then David came in and was like, "Oh, what are you guys working on?" And Shannon was smiling and for a moment, it was like a happy family. And Shannon's like, "Oh, David's been making so much progress, and it was like, look at this." They've gone from the tombstone to actually doing something as a family unit. - Yeah, now the kids are making a marriage chart on poster board. - That's so sweet. Open it up to the family. - So sweet. So then we learned that Shannon has a birthday coming up and they're all going to have to dinner and the kids don't want to go. And they're like, "We just not go from five to six." And Shannon gets all fussy. She's like, "There's some TV show on, they want to watch." David, David, do you know about this TV show? David, do you watch this with your mistress? - David, it's called a DVR. This is what it's like raising tweens. - My favorite, Shannon. This is so Shannon, this entire scene. First of all, she's setting up, "Oh, it's going to be my birthday." I mean, if Shannon is smiling about anything, you know that it's going to go badly and she's going to use this for tears in five minutes because that's the only time Shannon ever says she's happy about anything is when she knows that it has a terrible ending and she can't wait to fake cry about it on TV. - Yes. - So you know this is going to hell. Then her kids are like writing the apology, whatever they were doing. And she's like, "My kids don't like writing an apology letter, but I made them do it." And Stella's like, "Screw you, mom!" or whatever. And she's like, "I'm fine." Oh, Stella's a little grudge holder. Oh, here's your dad, the cheater. Hey, David, do you want to have a meeting with the kids about how you cheated again? We've only had four this month, David. Do you want to confess anything? It's like, "Oh, hey, kids." - Like, talk about a grudge holder. What an odd thing to call her. - I know. - Right after your dad cheated meeting number four that's been televised. - The apple doesn't fall apart from the tree. - Oh, now Vicki and Brooke's on a boat. - Yeah, but meanwhile, Vicki's seasickness has surprisingly disappeared. - Oh, yeah, totally again. - Yeah, it only seems to happen when she can make a big scene about it. - I think you would notice that, that's so true. - She only gets seasickness if she can be crazy on the boat and everyone's like, "Oh my God, Vicki." Which is hilarious 'cause in this very scene, she's talking about like, it's so nice because you know, it's nice to be the center of tension for once. I'm like, "For once, you're always the center of attention, Vicki. Have you ever heard your voice? Have you ever heard the way you scream? You were always the center of attention." - Yeah. - Vicki is that girl who works at Ross. Vicki is that girl who works at Ross dress for less. He's just always coming over the speaker going, we need someone in shoes, we need someone in shoes, we need someone in shoes, we need some-- - Like we know, you just wanna hear yourself on the mic. You said it 10 times in a minute, okay? It's like, if you wanna go to karaoke night, go to karaoke night, don't torture us all with your moment at the fucking microphone. - I know. By the way, this is what I imagine Vicki yelling over the microphone at Ross. - I have never been one before in my life! (laughing) - So Vicki, yeah, and not only that, she's on this boat and she's like, "Oh, you know, this whole of Brooks' cancer thing." I mean, it's Harry Brooks having cancer. So it's nice for me to be the center of attention. It's like, "Oh, wow, I'm glad you beat cancer tonight." Jesus, like I'm glad Brooks was finally not paying attention to that cancer for a night and getting you that three-course, fucking airplane food on the boat that you've been craving. And Vicki says she's never the center of attention. She then goes on to tell the waiter or the chef, she's like, "Oh, you know, my mom died six weeks ago, "so this is my first birthday without having my mom." So, you know, when you have your first birthday when your mom is died, it's very special. So I want you to know that, you know, Mr. Server. - Oh, right. - If you don't, like, for someone who doesn't want to be, is not used to being a center of attention, you certainly have a way of weaving in a very dramatic, fast of your life into a very mundane moment. It's like, "Here's your broccoli." Oh, you know, my mom just died. And, you know, it makes me think about how things grow, like broccoli, things are alive, then they're dead. And broccoli is something that was once alive. Now, I'm gonna eat it, and now it's dead. Like, my mom just died, by the way. - Oh, gosh, just broccoli is rough-ish. You know what else is rough-ish? My mom dang. She just died. I didn't mention that. Oh, terrible. - You know what broccoli is my favorite? Is my mom's favorite vegetable? Hey, mom, once in broccoli. Oh, God, just remember she died. Hey, you know what, Server? My mom just died six weeks ago. - Hey, could you do me a favor and get my mom a ca- Oh, my mom! Oh, God! Stop, stop, stop using your mom's, like, real fucking pain for your stupid TV show, Vicky. And you know that that whole boat trip is on her fucking Wells Fargo's card. You know it is. - No, it's not even, it's on Bravo's tab. - She's like, thank you so much for bringing me to dinner. And he's like, thanks for changing the pin number back to a number I can remember. - She's like, thanks for taking me out onto the SS MAM. Oh, it's actually called the SS, like, clean spirit. Oh, no, I thought it was the SS MAM because it made me think of my, oh, no, my mom died six weeks ago. - That's right. - Oh, this should be called the USS MAM because the engine was on and now it's off. Like my mom! - Oh, God, waiter, oh, God! - Would you like a drink? - I'd like a gin martini with a splash of MAM. - Oh, my God, it won't get in MAM. - Oh, please, to Jazmyn MAM. - What she wants is to drink it. Oh, God, I forgot she's not here. Because she died, oh, God, six weeks ago. - And the ever romantic Brooks. She's like, oh, Brooks, thanks for taking time out of cancer to have dinner with me. And he's like, oh, baby, you're my everything. You're the motor in my motorboat. You're the shining my sunshine, girl. I'd do anything for you. Roses are red, violets are blue. Dinner's coming, the check is on you. It's where I love you, baby. - I love you, Brooks. - Gross. (laughing) - I'd take a bullet for you, Brooks. I would take a bullet for you. Would you take a bullet for me? And he's like, well, you know, I would take the couch in the living room from you. - Well, no, I'd buy, you know, a bullet. I'd buy a few. I'd be like one of those guys who jumped in front of the president. You know, I'd be like one of those guys. And he's like, mm, that's nice. So there's tail and shrimp. - It's like, are you gonna say you would take a bullet for Vicki? She bought you a new tea, okay? - He's like, y'all take a bullet for you. You're talking about bullet bourbon, right? You want one? I'm gonna get one for myself. You want one also? I'll take it for you. - I'll take your shot for you, huh? (laughing) - What a giver, brocks. (laughing) Anyway, so then that Batch Realtor, Tam Rabani judge shows Meghan around the house because-- - Oh, it's so hard. Like, Jimmy, like, Jimmy wants like a $7 million house. Then he wants like a $5 house. Then he wants to rent a condo. Then he wants to like have sex with a new wife. And then he wants like the old wife. And then he wants like to cheers that he had in his first wife's house. And then he's like-- (grunting) - And then Tamra tells her that Heather Locklear used to live there or something. And they're like, oh, who's Heather Locklear? She looks like an older person. - Is she like an older model? - Yeah, she's like an old model. She's like an old person like from Vicky's time. - Well, she said, yeah, she said that about banjo. She didn't know who Richie Sambor was or the time. And she's like, I don't listen to the banjo if you're a motley crew. That's like music for like Shannon or Vicky's age. I'm like, bitch, okay, you're 30. Miss 30, you're all, you're 30, actually. And you're not a millennial. Okay, you're not hell. You're not dumb, you're a 30. You're six years younger than I am. You know who banjovias, you know who timely is. And if you don't, you're a bigger idiot than I ever thought. So don't think it makes you seem younger and funnier that you don't know who these people are. It just makes you look stupid-er. - As if she doesn't know the name and bank account number of every rich fucking older model in California, please. Like you ended up with Jimmy Edmonds because you're-- - You just like just personality. - I like when he sits there and then he's like, talks about muffler raiders. It's so sick. I've been looking for a man like that my whole life. - Bitch, please, you're married to an older man for his money. Don't be acting like old people are so disgusting when you just like fucking tea bagged one last night. Shut up. - Yeah, and by the way, there's just no way that you can't go organize a trip to NASCAR and then act like you don't even know who banjovias. Okay, just relax, just relax, take a seat. Okay, take a seat, Megan. At the very least, you understand his hair choices. All right, bitch. (laughs) Yeah, exactly, all right, just keep poking, Megan. - Keep poking. - Keep poking. - Megan. - You know what happened to the balloon that-- - Keep it up. - You know what happened to the balloon that people kept poking? It deflated, Megan, and then it was just on the floor. Deflated, so keep on poking, Megan. - Okay, poking, Megan. - You tell me, Megan. - I am. - Speaking of Shannon. - Now comes to see. - Now, here we go. I've already been angry about this scene. - So I'll let you do it. - This is the scene. This is the scene, you know, they should have ended with the scene 'cause this is, I know that, well, there was a huge-- - The marriage, they should have ended the marriage with this scene, yeah, I agree. - This was, I don't know, I was cracking up at this dysfunction, so it's Shannon's birthday. And David's like, oh, let's, I thought I'd try a new restaurant for your birthday. A.K.A. Bravo arranged a deal with this restaurant. I was like, guess what? You're going to dinner at this place, okay? - So Shannon probably wanted to go to a French bistro with white typical clothes. - Yeah, and they're not going to let your bravo ass in there, okay? - Yeah, so David takes it to, well, it looks actually like a pretty fun gastro pub, you know, and Shannon is immediately pissed off. So first of all, it's too loud. Actually, David is the one who says it's loud in there, and Shannon just stares at him like, David, I can't believe you took me to a place where there are people talking. - David, David. - David. - Oh, I'm really glad that we didn't let the girls watch TV, and now here we are with five of them surrounding us. - Great, David. - David, David, David. - Has this bar never heard of a DVR? Is this bar a tween? - Yeah. - Yeah, and she's like, it's a sports bar, and I'm not sure it's appropriate for kids, damn it. - Which, by the way, it was totally appropriate for kids, and it wasn't a sport, it was a gastro pub. You can tell there's a difference between a sports bar and a gastro pub, okay? And if anything, people always take their kids to sports bars. I think that's like one of the formative experiences of being a kid is that you go to a place like, you know? - A forest, like your wild way. - Yes, your parents can get drunk while you're staring at a TV screen. - It's called America Shannon. - Yeah, and Shannon's already pissed that David brought him here. Well, by the way, Shannon, you're the one who like blacklisted all these restaurants 'cause David took his mistress there. So this is what you get. - We're out of fancy restaurants, okay? He's fucked up about the bathroom of every other restaurant, okay? Is this or Applebee's? And they're sick of this cast ruining their restaurant. They're sick of getting drinks thrown around, okay? - Yeah, that's actually probably why she was angry because the place she really wanted to go to was already tainted by that woman that David ran into on the beach. - There needs to be a yelp for all the people that David has had sex with. So I know, you know, this place is gonna have wonderful fries but David had sex with somebody there. I need a penis sign instead of a dollar sign, not David, yelp. - You know that she was scouring though that Ashley Madison hack. You know she was like, "David Bador, David Bador." Where's David Bador? - Oh, he probably used his Gmail. Well, there you go, that's Gmail. His carment San Diego Gmail. Oh, David tricked me again. - David, if I'm here right now, you're only allowed to use Hotmail. David's like, "This is funny because a girl named Ashley Madison "tried to become my best friend and before I knew it." - She was asking me how I was every single day. She was asking me how I was. - No, Shannon, that was just the automatic message that comes on in your car when you started up. How are you? (laughing) - David, the car is asking me how I am. Have you been cheating with the car? - Is this a cover? Why is this car trying to befriend me? - David, bam, bam. - David, why is the car telling me welcome to the Jaguar? I know I'm in the Jaguar. Why is it telling me that? I know I'm there. Don't treat me that way, Jaguar. - That's 30 year old. That's 30 year old, Jaguar. (laughing) - We were going to a strange place. So, sorry, my car, when I get into my gravitated camera, when I get into my car, a message comes up and goes, "Welcome to Camry." Which is funny as it doesn't even like Camry as if it's like a state of mind. Toyota Camry. - It is a state of mind. I think cars are a little state of mind, you know? They say a lot about the people. Anyway, that this show needs to get a better budget because it was really tacky having the same waiter come over and be like, "Hi, today's specials are Vicki's mom's dad." (laughing) How many waiters do we need to see on this episode? Stop showing me every waiter. I believe that they're at a restaurant, okay? Stop it. So anyway, so Shannon's not happy about the noise, everything. So then the waitress comes over and brings her a cocktail with like five lime wedges and she's like, "I wanna be in the bedroom, just squeeze the lime in it." That's what I would have to ask. - Oh, that's okay. I'll do it. - I'll do it myself. - What the heck, bro? Look at me, I'm a waitress now. Look at me doing service. Oh, this is great, David. I get to serve people on my birthday. This is fantastic. I hope I get a tip. - Yeah, but I know. Here's a tip, David. Let's go a different place. So then David, of course, then responds on his own past aggressive way. He goes, "Sorry, it's my fault. "As usual, I've been striking out a lot. "Cheers, LaHoney." - Yeah. - I've been striking out a lot like that. Girls husband that you hate. It's like, oh my God. You're using a strikeout reference when she hates Megan. Like this guy, honestly, like Shannon, of course, has a right to be hurt. Her husband is probably a serial cheater. And if not a serial with multiple people, like the fucking guy had like a full-on relationship while he was married. - Yeah, I think I was a schneve him. The guy's an asshole. Then he takes you to the fucking sports bar. If the guy takes you to a sports bar, like, come on. - But it wasn't a sports bar. Wait, I just want to say. - It's a place with loud TVs and shit and like ribs. I mean, why would you take Shannon in there? - It was a gash, excuse me. It was a gash of up. - They were eating ribs, Ben. - No, she was eating short ribs. She was eating braised short ribs. Okay, it came in a nice little skillet. It was, I think it was actually appropriate for like a family, casual, family birthday dinner. I actually think it was a totally fine space. And she was making-- - You want me to sleep out now, Shannon? - Well, she was making it sound like they were going to Applebee's or Chili's, okay? And it was nicer than that. 'Cause they're, you know, in the LA area, and I think probably down in Orange County now, there are many of these restaurants that are, you know, quote unquote, gash of pubs, which serve excellent food, but they are in this super casual environment, you know? - So her kid knows right. Her Stella, the one that I love, 'cause she's always like, "Fuck you, mom!" - I think it was Stella who said, "Mom, you seem miserable. You're someone happy." - I feel some tension between you guys. - No, there's no tension. I just hate your father when you're cheating father. - And the dad's like, "I'm sorry." And the kid goes, "Just go to Mastros." - Yeah, that's it. - You see the kid knows, like, why are we fucking Mastros right now? Like, you can take kids to Mastros that you don't have to color on the back of a fucking menu to take your kids there for Christ's sake. They just toilet paper their first house. So that's not independence. - Well, you know that Mastros is black, instead of any place, his black was just Mastros. You know, for sure, he took his mistress there. - Oh, that's true, yeah. - I mean, the name practically sounds like Mastros, Mastros. But, I mean, here's where it is. - Hey, babe, I didn't know where to take you, but it sounds like Mistros, so I thought it would be good for a date. She's like, "Thanks, I love older guys." - But you know, the thing is this, I think the restaurant looked totally fine, but obviously it was not Shannon's sort of restaurant. So I think where David is at fault is that he should have known as-- - That's what I'm saying. How can you be married to Shannon and think that that's okay? I've known Shannon for a year and a half, and I know that's just not okay. I heard those TVs the second they walked in, and I was like, "Oh my God, this guy wants Shannon "to leave him so that he can get some money or something." There's some reason that he's waiting for her to do it. - Well, she's probably like, "David, probably just took me here "so he could wash the game instead of me." David, David. - But-- - Oh, David. Oh, wow, restaurant where someone's throwing their balls around. That's great, David. Great way to celebrate my birthday when you're out there for last year. - But here's what I hated, you know? Okay, it's not the restaurant that Shannon may have wanted to go to, but like, get over it, bitch. You got your kids there. She's like, "You know what, it kills me that. "The kid's gonna save the tension." You know, that's terrible. Well, you know what, the reason why they can see the tension is because you were acting like an a-hole, okay? Just sit down. - And 'cause you bring it up every chance you get and you bring up their father's affair in front of them on TV and make them sit there and listen to how your dad is apologizing for the 90th time. - But she's complaining the entire time. I mean, like, she gets her short ribs. She goes, "David, this is just riddled with fat. "David, David." And he's like, "I'm too fat, David. "I can't give you that." And he's like, "Well, babe, you ordered short ribs. "Short ribs have a lot of fat, David." No, they're supposed to be, you know, if this was braids for 12 hours, the fat should have melted off. They should not be fatty at all. - Oh, Shannon, there's a reason that Shannon is staying with David and it's not because she's so in love and they have kids together and all this bullshit that you might hear on TV. Shannon is staying with David because she is a miserable human being and she wants to be miserable. And there are people like that, many of them, that are just addicted. They're only happy if they're miserable. That woman will go to heaven and be like, "I look fat and white. "Why is everyone in white? "Why is my house white? "I don't get to use my own house color." She's like, "You know, I see white people like heaven. "I mean, if I were skinny, I would love this place, "but I'm not. "I don't like heaven." - No, there's something in her that needs to be miserable and then there's something in David. - Yeah, she was poking at the saw. - You know, there's something in David that needs to like just completely be a disappointment and a failure because he does it on purpose every time. Like, this is just a purpose now. - Yeah, I mean, 'cause she was like, she just was going crazy. She was like, talking about the sauce on a short ribs. - Damn it, damn it, it's filled with sugar. - Damn it, damn it. It's like, bitch, it's your birthday. Live a little bit. It's so great. - The ribs are too fatty. The ribs are too fatty, David. If I braise ribs, the fat, you braise them until the fat falls off. And he's like, "Well, just cover it in sauce, babe." And she's like, "Oh, the sauce is cut. "It's filled with sugar." It's like, "Oh." - You know, Shannon, what do you think happens to that fat? Yeah, like the collagen melts, whatever. Actually, no, it's not the fat that dissolves. I mean, the fat does get like lusciously, you know, melty and everything. But the whole reason why the braise is because it's the collagen and the tendons and everything. That all is what melts away. It's either way, I mean, you're totally wrong. But the point is this, you order short ribs. - Yeah. - You order short ribs. Why are you trying to like try to find something healthy in short ribs? If you order short ribs, you're not eating healthy. I'm sorry, Shannon. - Yeah, sorry. - I'm a person who's never in a relationship. Like I don't have that want for whatever reason, but even I am a better husband than David. 'Cause I know exactly where to kick Shannon on her fucking 50th birthday or her 51st. - Yeah, veggie grill. - No. - You take her to the rescue center and watch her, let her watch dogs being put down for two hours and just let her sit there and sob and cry about the injustice of it all. And boom, you're done. That bitch will go home and ride you like a stallion. - Yeah. Well, so eventually we saw why Shannon was being so ordinary because last year on her 50th birthday, Shannon tells us, you know, David was intimate with me. And then later he told me, you know, when I was intimate with you on your birthday, then I left and was intimate with her. David? - Who even knows what intimate means with Shannon? She didn't even hug her husband without two martinis for his last season. Okay, intimate could have been like folding the towel for her before he, you know, went out for the night. Who fucking knows with her? He like gave her nine lemons. - Oh, I saw intimate, we're having an intimate moment. He was giving me lemons for the bowl. - Yeah, last year from my 50th birthday, David didn't feed me, which was the most romantic thing he's ever done. And then he fucked someone. It's like, how could he do that? How could you be the most romantic person one minute and then completely leave me? - My thought was, David has gotten amazing penis if he can be having that much sex and one night because that guy's older than me and my penis exhausted. It's like, I'm tired, I've worked for you all week. I'm drunk on Friday night too. There's no way I'm doing more work like I'm done. And David, meanwhile, is like banging a wife and somebody else? I mean, Jesus, amen. - Yeah. - So probably all that like butterfly spinal fluid, Shannon makes you take in the morning. Stop giving him that stuff. - So then Shannon then Shannon reveals that because of this dark cloud over her 50th birthday, she thought her 50th, 51st birthday would make up for it. Why would you think that? - Why? - He was just in therapy describing his affair as the best time of his life. Like seriously woman. I can't remember anymore, I can't. Listen, if a man is that horrible to you and mistreats you, which he does, I agree with her. He's completely self-involved. He has no idea what she even likes. He doesn't make any fucking effort unless she makes him to do it. He cheats and the only reason he feels bad about cheating is getting caught and says so on air. - Listen, the guy's an asshole, you're correct. No one deserves to get treated like that. But when you stay there year after year, you do deserve it. Sorry, you're an idiot. 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Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com/crapins. - $45 upfront payment required equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three month plan only, speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees and restrictions apply, see Mint Mobile for details. - Hey Prime members, have you heard? You can listen to your favorite podcasts at free. Good news. With Amazon music, you have access to the largest catalog of ad-free top podcasts included with your Prime membership. To start listening, download the Amazon music app for free or go to amazon.com/adfreepodcast. That's amazon.com/adfreepodcast to catch up on the latest episodes without the ads. - Ben, it's like standing on a train track and then being shocked when the train comes. Trains have been doing that for years. They're not gonna change because of you. You're not changing a train Shannon. - Yeah, I think that she's concerned about the kids, doesn't wanna screw up the kids. The kids are already screwed up. - She's already fucking broke. - Just wait till they get to it. - Both of them have already screwed those kids up. There's no way they're ever gonna-- - They seem fine now. - They seem fine now, but give it three years for the oldest one and watch what's happened. - You don't teach two daughters anything by staying with a man who cheats on you, talks about it on TV and then mistreats you for the rest of your life. What are you teaching your children? What the hell is that? Well stay, find a horrible man, stay with them kids 'cause that's life. - No, like we live in a different world now. You are not tied to somebody for the rest of your life you're going to hell, okay? If somebody is mistreating you, get the fuck outta there and stop bitching to me. Like you are the biggest victim in the world. I'm over it and from now on it's your fault. And next time he does cheat on you, yep, it's your fault because you're just sitting there taking it like a punching bag. Guess what punching bags do? They get hit Shannon, move, Shannon. Stop being a punching bag, you fucking pussy. And for the rest of you out there who think I'm being too harsh, I'm talking to you, all right? All you women who are sitting out there taking this shit from some man, that is bullshit, stop it. Stop taking so much shit from a man and then wondering why he doesn't change. He doesn't change because you are taking it, stop it. What happened to feminism? Where is it? - I want feminism. - Stop putting up with men's bullshit people and they'll stop giving so much of it. Thank you, thank you. - There you go, wow. - Oh, it's sick of it, it's bullshit. I do not like seeing women treat themselves like this. I don't like it. - Drops the mic. - Dropped it, you wish, you wish audience still holding it 'cause I'm 40! - And I have a mic stand now, I can't drop it. I would have to actually get up from my couch desk. Well, all right, on that note, go ahead, Ben. So now, I think the next thing that happens is that there is a luncheon. I think Heather's luncheon is the next thing that we see, right? It's my fault everyone's cracking out. - Oh yeah, it's some more David. - Oh God, I have to turn this page. Literally, Shannon, you see it? Look, listen to this, turning a page, Shannon. Take a hint, how can I? - Okay, so now Heather's having a luncheon at her construction site, 'cause her house is halfway done. Like, I mean, it's so ridiculous. Why do you need to, just wait 'til it's done, Heather? Wait 'til it's done, why do you need to do this right now? - We're looking for land, oh, we looked at this property. Let's have a party on it. We bought some land, let's have a party on the land we bought. Oh, we're building a house, let's have a party for the digging part. It's halfway done. - Please, I wish I was Colette so I could just crawl into the million dollar cabinet and shut that bitch up. (laughing) - Oh my God, so Heather invited all the women plus some others, whatever happened to Katie, their Jesus friend, she sort of, I know that she, she was gonna be a cast member and then she dropped out, whatever, but she has fully disappeared. I guess at this point, she's in the thick of her divorce from the traditional stuff. - Yeah, I think all that stuff started happening right when they started shooting. - Because, yeah. - And she's not enough of a fame horror. - Yeah, because Heather invited some other woman who had crazy bad blonde hair and a fake tan and I was like, oh, whatever happened to that other girl with a really bad blonde hair and a fake tan. - I mean someone with terrible hair, okay? I don't want to look friendless. Get me someone with terrible hair. - Well, we know someone in the coldest act down the hill. - Get her, just get her. (laughing) - There's someone in Baja Fresh that might be good for you. - Get her in here, come on, what a problem. What are the people, you know? I invite everyone. Everyone from the community can come into my mansion. - That's fine, I don't care. 'Cause let me help a bit of a Baja Fresh in the basement anyway. (laughing) - That's because it's by the maid's room. When the maid is having to take the luggage from the luggage room into the garage, I want her to be able to stop for a snack first. I mean, I'm not, I'm not heartless, okay? - Yeah, so, so then we started to get a tour of this estate, which was just so excessive. There's a room for the luggage, there's that, there's like, I was just, that house is basically why people hate America. - Yeah, I'm just waiting for the earthquake to hit and I could just go right down into the ocean. - Sorry. - Hey guys, sorry. - Oh, it didn't help that Heather, who's got all the money in the world, and brags about it every second that she gets, was wearing the dress that Alora designed on Mary to medicine. - She was wearing the same dress. - Yeah. - Absolutely. (laughing) - Oh, but she was doing her whole thing, you know, where, you know, what, what Heather does, I call it the NYU acting school thing. I'm not even sure if she went to Tisch, but she like, when she's trying to be one of the people, she likes to have to do this like thing with her hands, almost like pinball paddles, you know, she goes like, eh, come on in, I thought I'd shut them around, shut them all the things. Yeah, you know, we're very privileged, we have all this, but you know, it's fun. Hey, if we can build a room for the luggage, why not? Let's turn everyone around, method champagne, method was. Method was champagne was, whatever it's called, I don't know, the let. (laughing) - Method champagne was, I mean, that's, I was method, and so my champagne wobb will be too. You know, I went to acting school, it's where I first met Reba, Reba. First met in acting school. Method, very method, just like Reba. - Yeah. - You know, it's, you know, let's do a show together, it's called Malibu Country, it'd be hilarious. That's what we did, that's all, that's all. One of the people. - Heather is so gross, she's like, okay everybody, okay, this is, we have 14 bathrooms, first of all, okay, and they're each individual, every single one of them is unique. I'm like, congratulations on your fucking precious snowflake bathrooms. You know, people just go in there and dump loads, right? Like, are you really bragging about the 14 unique load takers, Shannon? Twilight. - No. - So then, so she goes, and then they all go, and they sit around the table, and then, oh my God, this is the worst part, because Heather makes some speech, and she's like, and I'm gonna send this toast around the table, and for like 10 minutes, we're sitting here and, clink, clink, clink, clink, as every single woman cheers, the woman to next her, it went all the way around. I was like, oh my God. - It was that hellos from Annal, it was like. - With the cereal cereal. - It was like a slow motion cereal team talk. Instead of like, clink, clink, clink, it was like, clink, clink, clink, clink, clink, clink. (laughing) Like, oh my God, we have to watch, oh we're watching all the glasses go, okay, we're even gonna watch the women who aren't even on the show. Never, we're gonna see Faye Katie do it. Oh yeah, okay, clink. (laughing) Well, I like that you make that analogy 'cause it is similar in the way that the evidence is so convoluted by the time any case comes to these women. They're fighting over the dumbest things in the case. Like, well, was there a payphone or wasn't there? It's like, I just listened to two hours of this about a fucking pay, whether or whether or not there was a payphone. That's what it's like listening to these women. It's like, I didn't say it, a psychic said it, and then Tamara got this, oh Tamara did it, oh wait, I'm confused, who's my friend? It's like, you're all confused 'cause you're all stupid. Like, no one can follow the fight. Vicki didn't know who she was even mad at by the end of it. Yeah, because, by the way, we should say that, of course, there was like all these pleasantries in the beginning of the luncheon, and then of course, it's Megan, Megan's such an idiot. She goes, Vicki, I got your, you know, you sent me a text message, and I got a feeling that you were annoyed at me, and he's like, you'll betcha? And then Megan's like, oh, I just want to explain, and then Megan starts to go into it, and you're like, oh, Megan, why? Why are you doing this? You know, it's gonna be a disaster. And I love how, like, one of Vicki's first responses sort of goes back to what we were saying a few minutes ago. She's like, you know what, is my mother still alive? Guess what, she's dead. I'm like, what, what does that mean for anybody? Of course, of course, that's part of her argument. My mom's dead, how do you? It's like, yeah, and you're still with Brooke, so he's lying about cancer, so anything to refute that, other than your mom's dead, Vicki, any other argument? She's like, what, are you gonna tell people my mom's alive to her? 'Cause she's dead. Oh, why don't you just go tell everyone she's alive? Go ahead, go ahead, see if I care, 30 year old. It's like, oh geez. Dad has the answer, not a psychic. Oh my, she's such a, listen, when people start with this religious shit on TV to make their horrible, horrible point that has nothing to do with religion, like she's like, listen. We pray, what was she saying about Jesus? And she's like, if you are a real Christian, you would know that. And Megan's like, this has nothing to do with Christianity. Yes it does, because God's word is the truth, and I'm gonna take you down. I was like, really, so we're pulling out the Old Testament God now? Like, which God are you gonna go with right now? 'Cause you can't be like spouting God shit with one, you know, with one tongue, and then the other one threatening to take somebody down and basically calling them a stupid whore because they're younger than you. Yeah. I don't seem to remember Vicki appreciating it very much whenever Alexis Bellino would invoke the name of God. So it's kind of funny to me that Vicki is now, all of a sudden, you know, misreligion over here. Yeah. It was God's word. I still got insurance. Listen, I watched Sister Act. I am very religious. Shannon's like, oh, so my kids wanted to watch. I made them TV art. They won't even watch it. What do kids have against DBR? Is anybody? Anybody? You know, I would watch Sister Act, but it reminds me of David's husband act, if you know what I'm saying. I just think, God, I don't have a sister 'cause you know David. Oh, geez. Talking all the habit, right girls? The way that David looks at that. Kathy and Jimmy, I just won't let him watch it. (laughing) David, how many mistresses have you watched Kathy and Jimmy films with? David, tell me the truth. I don't want to be sitting there watching soap dish when I find out. On my 49th birthday, David and I watched Hocus Pocus together, and then I found out that he went out and watched Hocus Pocus with her. (laughing) And then I'm like on the podcast years later. Oh my God, how many times can that guy watch Hocus Pocus? His concentration skills are amazing for an older guy. (laughing) It's my mom and my wife! So then what's great is that once Megan realizes she's not making any inroads with Vicky, she then just throws all the other women under the bus. She's like, she's like, well, I mean, all the other women were saying that you've never gone to a chemo treatment with Brooks. And then everyone's like, hon, hon, hon. I thought that was pretty awesome, actually, because that is what they, I mean, she wasn't lying, was she? That is what they told her. She was like, she told them. It's Tamara, first of all, causing all of this as usual. As usual. Tamara's like, she doesn't even got a chemo out of that batch. And she's like, rrrr, rrr, that's that, you know? And then they, then they show Vicky, like, well, I've been to chemo two times. And then Vicky's like, I always go to chemo! I'm the one sitting there watching it with chemo and he's like, me, it's me! Really? You've been to chemo, wait, what? Well, this is when, this is when Shannon busts out her most obscure insult of the season, which goes, hmm, why are you? What word in burns thing meets Florence Nightingale? - I didn't get that either. Like a nurse, a nurse? - Well, I know who they are, but like, I don't get the joke 'cause she's a nurse and they're investigating like you're a nurse investigator. - She's uncovering a conspiracy in the medical field. (laughs) That's what Shannon was saying. I give her props for making her reference. - This is where the argument just went crazy. Because Vicky's saying, how dare you? Of course that do. And Shannon's like, well, all I was saying is that I, you know, I helped get David into this hospital. And she's like, yeah, and he didn't go 'cause he has his own doctors. And Megan's like, yeah, but that's a really hard hospital to get into. Like, I mean, they know I'm Jimmy Edmund's wife. Like they don't even, they'll only let his ex-wives in. Like I haven't even reached a status yet. And Vicky's like, so what? So he has a different cancer. You know, chemo doesn't treat every cancer. Okay, and they don't treat the same cancer with every thing from the same hospital. I'm like, Vicky, honey, honey. - They do. - You don't get to just make up your own treatments, okay? I don't know what Brooks told you, but he's like taking a refrigerator all or something like that. - Yeah, it goes back to cancer chemo. Like, give me a random case. So it's like, no, that's case so that it's not chemo. It's not the same thing. Vicky's like, well, you know what, that's our truth. And we have our own truth. And sometimes supersizing in McDonald's is better than chemo. And that's it, that's our truth! It's like, and then Vicky goes back to her standard insult when she has nothing left to say. She goes, you know what, you need to go away. You're a little girl and you need to get a job. Yeah, you're just dirty. I'm not going to listen to some dirty year old. What a, such a cunt, sorry, such a bitchy thing to say. And then, then Megan, of course, which Megan was cracking me up too, 'cause Megan was doing that pretend cry thing. I love when they do that on my show. - She looked like she was choking on a chili pepper. She was like, but I was only trained to help. And she's like, oh yeah, 30 year old. And then the tears immediately, which were never there, but the fake cry immediately stopped. And she's like, you're just an old bitter hag. - And then Vicky goes, oh, what? Like, why is it okay to be making someone, making fun of someone because of their age? But then it's suddenly not okay five seconds later. - Yeah, exactly. Well, that's one, I think that's one of the big explosions, y'all shut up, which I recorded 'cause I thought it was just so amazing. She's just like, shut up over and over. - You don't get to walk in and start talking to somebody like that. You never even knew what this idiot was saying. Now, granted, Megan's a shitster. She's an idiot. And yes, she is too young to be on the show. They shouldn't be making them hang out with people who are, I mean, I don't know, at least 20 years younger. They're not gonna be friends. But getting mad at her for being young is totally rude. And then starting this whole thing like, oh, well, when Megan says, well, I have someone to care about cancer. She's like, oh, yeah, your ex, you know, your husband's ex, oh, really, Vicki? Who do you care about someone else's ex? Like, let's not forget that your man is a fucking deadbeat dad to multiple children and was married to big. - But also, like, you're not allowed to say who she, like, if she cares about Leanne dying of cancer, then that's legit. I mean, we don't like Megan. But, you know, you know-- - How about I talk about the real horrible shit she does? This isn't what she did, wasn't mean. She was like, actually trying to help your idiot boyfriend. Give me a break. - Megan is, where Megan made a tactical mistake is that she just did not clearly and cogently say, listen, the only question I had was why if Brooke's had, if Shannon was willing to get Brooke's into this amazing program, why Brooke's didn't even seem to entertain that. That seemed strange to me. And that's all I was questioning, you know? - Yeah, yeah. - Which, I mean, Vicki still would have exploded at that, too. You know, she's-- Megan should just have not brought it up and just-- - Also, Vicki's been told at this point, I'm sure, by all of the producers and everybody on the show, what's going on and that these women are saying that, you know, her man doesn't have cancer and blah, blah, blah. And so, she's coming at it from that angle, I'm sure, thinking like this fame-hungry bitch is coming onto my territory and then trying to discredit me to make herself look good. And she's not wrong. I mean, it's not like Megan's an angel. Of course, Megan doesn't believe that Brooke's has cancer. Like, she looked like a dog with a bone when she found that information out. And all the women did, 'cause he's awful, okay? That's it. So I see both points, but Vicki, like, the insults that Vicki screams at people are just so hypocritical. Like, you're making fun of her for caring about someone's ex. You're fucking somebody's ex. Like, you're literally caring for somebody's ex. You've given somebody's ex your debit card. So don't get on your high horse about exes. - Yeah. - Batch. - Well, it looks like next week it'll be real hilarious when she is going after Megan again and she tells Jimmy Edmonds, like, speak to me in five years when you're divorced. - Yeah, look who's talking. Yeah, speak to me in five years when you found some other loser with support. - She's not wrong. - No, she's not. But it's just like, who are you? Like, you're the worst, okay? You were married to some piece of crap who God only knows how that relationship went down. And then now you're with some other piece of crap who's using you and all of your money. And then you're gonna judge somebody else. And then on top of that, you're screaming at somebody that they're 30 or 30 years old as if that's such a criticism. Then why the fuck are you always trying to get their faces? Okay, Gretchen face, okay, fail the Gretchen face? - I am gonna give Vicki one thing, which is that it is probably massively insulting to hear people talk about how like your lover doesn't have the cancer that he's, that if you've gone to chemo with him and you've seen it, whatever. I mean, we don't, we are not totally convinced ourselves but I can understand why she would be mad for sure. - I don't believe that for one damn second, just to be clear that he has cancer, not for one second. - But I'm just saying, I understand why she would be mad if people are saying that. - Well, she's gonna be yelling at America then because I don't think anybody believes it. - No, I've got all of it. - I'm drinking. - Drinking booze, oh shit. I don't believe it. She's probably sitting at home staring at an American map going, "Shut up!" That's like, well, you're gonna just yell at everybody. She's probably just criticizing everybody's age and their marital status and their mother's status. And I'd like to make a point of why is it okay for you to criticize how I'm raising my stepdaughter, but it's not okay for me to ask if your boyfriend is getting the proper treatment. - Yeah. - Okay, if you're gonna be a nosy bitch, other people are too. - Vekka, get over a batch. - I love slash hate these sort of arguments where I wind up taking both women's sides all at once and then hating both women all at once. I'm like, I don't know whose side I am on this. They're both being dumb and whatever. - Well, the consistent thing about these shows is that 90% of these bitches are just awful. They're awful. And we get used to them because we start to like them as the years go on and we get used to them and start liking them no matter what because we're unconditional. I still love you, Vicky. I just think you're an asshole most of the time. Yeah, you know? All right, well, let's move on to marriage medicine, but before we do that, you know, I have something to say, Ronny. Your time is precious and you want to feed your mind with the best of what's out there, don't you, Ronny. (laughing) But who has the time to sit through all the nonsense on the internet? - Oh, I didn't know what you were doing. I thought you were gonna do a fit as the new it thing. 'Cause Jackie's like, "Fit is the new it. "Life is short, but it can be less short "if you're it while you're fit." I'm Jackie and this is my Jared Cardboard cutout. - No, I am actually trying to read the ad that we are being paid to be-- - Ben, are you talking about next issue? Oh yeah, you know. - Don't you know. - Ben. For those of us who want premium content and don't have time to waste, find and get theirs next issue. Next issue is the mobile app that lets you tap directly into the world's most popular magazines anytime, anywhere, using your phone or tablet. - Yes, you can get all sorts of iconic magazines like People, my personal favorite. I love a train wreck and that is full of train wrecks, okay? - Vogue, which the other one I think wants to be on, like Bella. - Yeah, there's also two here, which I've never understood. Men and suits. - You can get that all on next issue. And next issue lets you dive deeper into the story with interactive content for a richer reading experience. - That's right. It's like a Harry Potter magazine. The pictures move, y'all, okay? Sign up for next issue right now. You'll get immediate access to all of the top magazines, including back issues and exclusive videos and photos. - So I have been playing with next issue and in fact, you know what I saw, I went on to men. I think it was men's health, maybe it was men's fitness. I can't tell the difference, but one of those magazines, Cody, from Big Brother, 16 Lashes, Big Brother, he's totally in a spread for something about fitness. I was like, "Hey, there's Cody." I was like, "This next issue is worth it 'cause I got to see bonus photos of Cody." - Aw, Cody. - I hope he let you win something just to be nice. (laughing) - It's like Cody. - How to be... - So many let's other people be a winner today, and men's fitness health. - I actually took a screen grab and put it on our Facebook page. - I know, I've already made out with it. Next issue is offering a free trial right now when you go to nextissue.com, Crap Arms. That's nextissue.com/crapends. Go there because you can try next tissue for free. Right now, when you go to nextissue.com/crapends, we've been trying it for free and it's fantastic. - It's actually really good, yeah. - It really is good. - Yeah, it's felt nice because I haven't, I haven't liked the rest of the world. I've given up real magazines 'cause they're like $6. So I go to the websites for them and then there's ads popping up and like videos out of playing and then that. - And you can download like a magazine like on your phone beforehand and then go onto like a plane and you can read the magazine offline. So that's like cool. - Yeah, yeah, it makes the issues. - So do it. And then be sure to do/crapends, that way we get credit for it. Otherwise, if you just sign up regularly, they'd be like, "Thanks for not sending us people our way." So we need to get that credit to be cool for the summer. All the cool kids are getting credit at next issue. - And thank you next issue for being part of all show. - All right, then. Now we can talk about the next issue, which is made into medicine. - Yes. - There is an issue. There is an issue at work. And I'll tell you what the big issue is. The issue is that not everyone is qualified to work at the Lisa Nicole collection, okay? Big issue. - Oh my God, Lisa Nicole. That's right. - I hired an entire new staff because I couldn't trust the other ones. - Oh, great. So hire a bunch of strangers. Listen, if you can't trust the people you know, hire some strangers. They're more trustworthy. - Come on, people. - No, it's so stupid. She had like one thing. You know, how about this? Rather than fire your entire staff? How about you put a password on your computer? How about that? - No kidding. I like that she's saying. - I wanna staff. This staff is gonna be full of people who don't ride my coattails. - Who rode your coattails besides your husband? Like who is riding your coattails? - Where are they? - They mean them too. - If you ever made a coattail sturdy enough to actually slide, I would give you credit for that one. But from the look of your collection, doubtful. Shut up. Shut up with your coattail writing. - Yeah, exactly. The Lisa Nicole collection and now being featured at the Salvation Army. And then we, of course, this is all during the useless opening montage. - Yeah, I was like, "Get into work, working for a living, making that happen." ♪ Bit it do ♪ Bit is a new id. My only goal is for my clients to be as thin as my cardboard cut out. It's like, oh no, she has like cardboard cut out of herself. - Oh no. - Come on, Jackie, really? - Yeah. - So Jackie's cardboard cut out. - And then Quad, which her husband, who just came in. Oh, look at you back from the gym when your knock is just doing it, huh? You just doing it like a knocky. Sometimes I try on Adidas and I say, "Who's doing it?" Not these shoes, that's who. She's like, "You are running like a stopwatch "in the middle of a pig factory." (laughing) - She's so stupid. She's like, "I'm glad he exercised. "Nobody wants a chubby hubby." Or do they? - What does that even mean? Like, where are you being so mysterious as if you're talking about Darren fucking guys when that guy wasn't even chubby? Like, shut up. - And by the way, your comebacks. - Oh yeah, and by the way, Quad, you know what, you married a chubby hubby. (laughing) Remember that? Have you ever looked at your hubby? He's chubby. He always has been chubby. He's a chubby hubby. - At least you don't get a chubby and look at other people's hubby. - Or hubby's like a chubby hubby. A chubby hubby is more useless than a table in the middle of a windstorm. (laughing) - Quad is so dumb. I just love that the episode opened with how stupid she is. I loved it. I was like, "This is gonna be a Quad episode." - Yeah. - And I cannot wait for the rest of you. - Well, so she, like, so once her chubby hubby, he's like making turkey burgers. And once it's down, she starts talking about, you know, more of this, like, like this scandal is Dr. Darren Gay. And she's like, "I can't believe you can even eat with all that ham. He's been swallowing." It's like, "Can you just get to your point? 'Cause I don't know what the fuck you're talking about and I've been with you for 10 years." - And she is so, I mean, she's so transparent. She's like, "Well, I don't know if Darren is gay or not. I don't know." But, you know, there's so much going on around here. People are talking smack and people are doing this. And women are running around being a beard. I'm like, "You are like, stop." Like, she's so speak, even, and even her husband's like, "Quack, quack, stop it." - Yeah, he's like, "Quack, maybe just don't talk about it." - She's like, "Oh, I talk about this. I don't talk about this. I talk about this as much as a phone talks to a squirrel. All I'm saying is that I'm not gonna perpetuate this dirty beesness." - I'm not saying that Darren, I'm not saying that Darren is gay. But, you know, when the palm tree swings in the supermarket, you gotta wonder about the check it out. If there's an expired number on a milk, you're not gonna drink it, or are you gonna have a piece of cake with it? Like, what? - If you see a Bob Allen or a swimming pool, it makes you think about the power adapter, doesn't it? (laughing) - Uh, uh, uh, uh, come on. - I didn't think it falls around here, but I am thinking about peanut butter, if you know what I'm saying. - What is horrible? I mean, what did he say? She said something about, I forget what the husband said that made her, or not the husband, but I forgot what he said to make her say this, but she's like, "I'm not gonna perpetuate this beesness." But, you know, he's all about paps and poles. I was like, (laughing) what? He's all about paps and holes and poles and poles. I was like, well, what is quite as officially like, she's completely speaking gibberish. I don't even know what she's talking about anymore. (laughing) Look, I don't even know. - She is. She's like, paps, paps and poles and candy canes and a fortune cookie. You know what I'm saying. Ooh, someone's blowing a pinwheel. Someone's blowing a pinwheel, and I think the rotating cuff is not working. - If that guy ever understood one fucking thing she was saying, he probably would have left years ago, but for now he just doesn't know what she's saying. He just knows that the woman is fairly nice to him, has a lot of sex and lets him eat turkey burgers whenever he wants. (laughing) She's like, meanwhile, she's like Hitler, you know. - Yeah. - Oh, is that what you have, just don't talk about it. - She's like, okay, uh-huh, done, done, done. - Exactly, she's like, I'll try my best not to talk about it, but I can't help it. Ever since I got this gash on my cheek, I can't help saying things that come out of my mouth. Oh, you know who hates gash? Lisa Nicole's husband. You heard her here first, but not for me, 'cause I don't want the gossip. So then we go back over to Lisa Nicole, who's been violated. So Lisa Nicole's getting a whole new staff. - I knew fresh people I can trust. - And then like two seconds later, who walks in? Heavenly. (laughing) - Her, my, what, what, whoa. Hey, girl, what are you having? Look, I'm leaving the power man. Remember my empowerment, someone I'll be your kind. And then I'm basing in front of all the people, about how your husband cheated on you, and you took it like a doormat. Well, I'm teaching Alora to wipe her feet on the doormat, so I thought we'd stop by. - It's like, whoa, bitch. She enters with a totally rude thing to say, you know? - Yeah. - And then she's like, "Okay, teach Alora things. "Bye, nah." - Yeah, she's like, "Bye, I'm gonna carve out. "Bye." (laughing) - It is the new bin that done that, girl. Okay, teach Alora some things. - "Bye, Alora, Alora, Alora." - She basically sounds like a ham radio tuning into something. - "Bye." (yelling) - "I'm gonna carve out Alora now." - I have to expect government secrets to come pouring out of her. - "Bye, ooh." - The Ashley Madison client list starts pouring out of her throat. (laughing) (laughing) She's like, "I don't know why, I don't even know "what I'm trying to say, Jared, Jared, Jared, dude, dude, you guys." "I ain't gonna eat a sub now, I'll tell you that much, girl, girl." (growling) - Joshua Tickman, six installments. (growling) (laughing) - Joshua Tugger. (growling) - Alora. (laughing) (growling) - So anyway, so Alora wants to... Alora's gonna design a dress for Heavenly, 'cause Heavenly's having yet another function. Oh, she's having her app release party, which is basically a party where she's gonna be releasing a lot of little hors d'oeuvres. And she, and so Alora's going to design a dress, and she's like, "I want it to be leather on the bottom, "and I want it to be striped on the top." And Alora goes like, "All right, I guess this'll be all Alora. "I am not putting on the least cynical name on this one." I'm like, "Bitch, it would probably improve your collection." - Yeah, really. - Have something fresh in there. It doesn't look like it's off the fucking floor of Ross. Alora is, first of all, she's speaking to Alora in the way that any smart child hates being spoken to. Alora is old enough to not be spoken to like that. Okay, Alora, you wanna make the dress? 'Cause it's very difficult to be in fashion. Alora's like, "Bitch, here's what I want. "Like, sketch it out and sew it and stop with this." (laughing) Stop talking to me like that, so rude. - But that is kinda how Lisa Nicole talks to everybody. - Yeah. - "Quad, here's what I want to say. "You had a lesbian relationship, okay." - You're a bitch. - Yeah, yeah. - And then Toya, pretending she's typing, using one lee press on nail and a thumb. I'm like, "Bitch, who do you think you're fooling "over here in front of that computer? "Get off that dale. "You were just embarrassing ever. "You're embarrassing technology in general. "Just step away from the dale." - She's like, "Oo-jin, this piano "wasn't making any music." (laughing) - I've tried to stop my own massage business, but my client's just like like that. (laughing) This is called shitsu. I just poke you a lot until you feel bad, oo-jin. - Oo-jin. - So Toya and oo-jin, they are a big issue, is that he doesn't really want to work with her anymore. - Or at all, ever. - At all. And they started to bicker, because, let's see, I wrote down Toya and oo-jin fighting about her going back to work after having the kids. Oh, I guess she's like, she's like, "You didn't want me to go back "to work and want me to raise the kids." And he's like, "Toya, I never said that. "I told you, you should go back." And you did go back to work, in fact. - And she's like, "Oo-jin, I remember "at the combo canteen, or at Robes-O-jin, "this is the square you said, dad." - We was in Rose and Mexicana. I remember the conversation with Rose and Mexicana. I was like, "I'm the ones, I think I'm choking on a nacho." - I'll never forget it, 'cause there was that guy at the table next to us ordering a keyboard. And I was like, "Who are those chips?" - What I should have did was one of the guacamole. That's what my show thought. - She is so stupid. He brought that up because she was saying, "I'm good at my job." And he's like, "Honey, you know, "you really don't follow through with your jobs and stuff. "Like, your work ethic isn't very good." She's like, "What? "I was gonna keep my job, Eugene. "You're the one who told me to quit." And he's like, "No, I didn't." You came home and you were like, "I'm done with this." And I said, "Okay, baby, I support that decision." She's like, "You remember and wrong." - Look. - What is with women on these shows, the doctors wise specifically, at least Heather doesn't do this, but on this one, and then also paralyzed. When the women are married to a doctor, they think that they can be partners with their husband. Like, you know that they went to medical school and get a residency, right? You don't get to just marry somebody and then automatically become a doctor. It's not like a Hollywood marriage where you just like get to be, you know, someone on CSI with a few lines a week. - And you know that like school? - Yeah, exactly. They always want to get involved as like, like some sort of like business partner, some of entrepreneurial aspect. I'm like, it's a doctor. He doesn't need that. - You want to be there to make sure your husband's not fucking anybody, stop lying. And if you want to work, who's stopping you? Go get a damn job, please. - Yeah. - And why does Eugene even need Nomad MD? Just be a doctor, get a doctor paycheck, it's fine. I know why, it's because Toya is draining the bank accounts. He needs supplementary income. - Yeah. But because he's making like Dr. Quinn medicine woman money and she's spending, you know, like fucking Terry Dubrow money. - Yeah. (speaking in foreign language) - Oh my God. Well, it is kind of fishy though because he was a doctor. He was a surgeon, right? And then he quit that to have like a delivery, a delivery service, a medical delivery service. - Did he actually quit the yard job? - I don't know but he's doing this because she was saying the reason she wanted to start with the business is because it's not bringing in any money or broke. - Right. - So she's-- - Better get back into that ER. - Yeah, just drop it. This is not doing you any good. You've gained a hundred pounds, you look miserable, go back to work. Like if you want to start a business, maybe start something that's not delivering weird health care, cause that's just weird. No one wants their doctor to, I don't want my doctor in my house. Like if you're going to put your finger up my butt, let's do that in your office, okay? I don't need that here. - I don't mind, I wouldn't mind a house call, I like that rather than having to go to like Kaiser Permanente and sit there amongst people hacking up, you know, their lungs all day. But I just have to say, if you want to get your job off the ground, you don't take business advice from Troya. - Yeah, Troya, no. Troya, yeah, no. I don't even know what to say, except, you know, Eugene, if you're confused. - Eugene. - Rewind the scene and watch Troya pretend to type. That's why you need to know. And I like that he knows, he's like, look babe, I just don't want to work with you. - Whoa, Gene. - Because I married you for your, I married you because you're like five steps above me looks wise, not because you're five steps above me brain wise, okay? I married you because you're a hot piece of ass and you were out of my league, not because you, I think you're going to be a good surgeon. Shut the fuck up trophy and sit there with your mouth shut, Troya. - Yeah, yeah, go make another sausage scarecrow. - I would have married an intelligent person if I wanted to go into medical business with him. And I didn't, all right? Move on, darling. - Darling. - Oh man. - So then Lisa Nicole and Elora and Lisa Nicole's like, - Well, this dresses for your mother, so should we maybe put some guards on it so that she can't splash the people when she's in the water and Elora's like, no. Okay, well, should we make it sexy? - I'm not allowed to say that word. - Point, because I think you were just at a female empowerment seminar that your mom threw where she totally made mincemeat out of a woman whose husband cheated on her in public on purpose. So I think you're allowed to say that word. - Yeah, yeah. When you were a kid, actually, I remember actually as a kid, I went to, so I had this very distinct memory of playing Scrabble with my mom and she wrote down the word sex. I was like, mom, I can't say that. My mom's like, you're allowed to say the word sex. I was like, really? She's like, yeah. - Oh my God. - You're like, I'm so saying that to my fantasy NASCAR friends. I went straight on, you're like, sex, sex, sex, sex. - Calm down over there, darling. We're going to call a delivery doctor to drain your penis, I mean. I'm quite over there. tippaboy.com. - Yes. - So anyway, this dress thing was pretty cute with Elora, but she is like her mom, she's so rude. - She is a little bossy, but what I liked was that Heavenly came on and tried on the dress and you could see Elora was like, - I don't like the color, I don't like this nap, but Heavenly was like, she was basically saying, we're going to take it, you're, you know, like you're, she was like. - Mommy, I don't like the dress you made me, mama. I don't like the dress you made me mama. - Like I actually liked that Heavenly didn't say it too, didn't get like mad at least in Nicole and make it a whole thing. - You didn't make the dress and I don't want to. - Yeah, because Elora was like, I'm no, that's not what I designed. Take it back. You've, you've bored Nina. You've officially bored Nina, at least in Nicole, get out. - No, so Heavenly, Heavenly, I thought was a good sport. She just sort of like took it and thanked, and thanked Lisa Nicole, Lisa Nicole's like, - Wow, my first client in six months. This new staff really did work out. It must be all this family time we're having. - Yeah, Elora was like, that's wrong, that's incorrect, gross. And then Heavenly, the thing, I was proud of Heavenly, not going after Lisa Nicole too, but not proud of her that she didn't say, you're really rude. Like I just brought you into some lady who made you a dress that you drew. When you dry, you're like five, like you draw like a five-year-old. She made you a dress and you're bitching about it. That's fucking rude. And she's like, well, she's just like me. I'm like, yeah, oh, rude, hefa, that is not nice. - Yeah, exactly. - Oh, brat, brat. - She's gonna run it empire. She's gonna have 30 businesses by the time she's my age that don't make any money, and I have to get permission from my husband to go out of the house to pursue. ♪ Daddy, daddy, daddy ♪ - Mm, yeah, that was rude. That kid needed to slap in the face, and she didn't get one. And that's why she'll become heavenly. - Yeah. - So what happened? - And I love watching her on TV as well. - Okay, so-- - Mine is her spotty, so I have to relax. - Next, they're talking about this, oh, I was about to start talking about Nike again. I was like, please don't, quad, please don't. Okay, so, Toya, Lisping, she's gone. She's, I forgot to say this part, we already talked about it. She was talking about, she was talking about being part of the business with her husband, and she's like, I'm saying no, don't say no yet, Eugene, just pray on it. I'm like, really? 'Cause you think Jesus is gonna give you a ringing endorsement? Jesus wouldn't hire your ass, and he was like a fisherman, okay? Jesus wouldn't hire your ass to hold a net. Shut up, Toya. - Yeah, Toya, I don't, yeah, I don't think you're gonna get that letter of recommendation from Jesus. - And then what are you gonna do when you decide to quit that job? You're gonna write, you're gonna be like, sorry, Jesus, bye. And he's like, you don't have any follow through, babe. And she's like, yes, I do, babe. Okay, I won't do this, but it was a fun idea. It was fun while it lasted. I was like, way to show your follow through and commitment, Toya. She's like, wait in two seconds. Anyway, sorry about that. - I'm gonna go update my LinkedIn profile. She types in L-I-N-C-O-L-N.com. - Lincoln, Lincoln. Hey, how do I sign up at Lincoln.com? - Hey, I was gonna look for a job, but then I found all these new cars that Matthew McConaughey drives. So, babe, could you buy me one, babe? Come on, babe. - What I should've did was sign up at monsters.com. The monsters are scary. I didn't want to sign up the old Jean. - I always tell the kids that there's no monster under the bed. I would be a hyper-critical if I went on monster.com. And I took the hyper-critical oath with new Jean, so I can't do that. - Oh, fucking, Toya. Okay, so next we get to the meat of the episode, five hours later. - The meat of the scarecrow. - Yeah, which was, the fit is the new it party. And Jackie's like, I don't want to have just, they think they're coming to exercise, but one of the most important things about fit is the new it, is that it's about your mind. So we're gonna have a hypnot, what are they called? - No, therapists. - No therapists come in to recalibrate these women's minds, so they understand that peace comes from within. I'm like, oh, Jackie, sorry. How about you get a diet beyond signing people up to my fitness pal, okay, and counting their calories? 'Cause that's all I've heard. Choose between a pizza and a carrot stick. You were wrong, start at the beginning. - Oh, Jackie, good lord woman. So fit is the new it, hit in the therapy. - I can tell you as someone who's done it five times. No, it doesn't work. - Didn't look like it was working. And by the way, I don't think a group hypnotherapy that's like being recorded by Bravo is gonna do so well. And I love that like, was it quad, quad? I was like, I am not gonna close my eyes because I don't know who's gonna be throwing glasses at me. I need to see the glass of water before. It comes into my face. I am like a toucan at a disco in the club, okay? You know what I'm saying? All eyes are on the cake. I'm like a fence around a Cajor Bats. I wanna see those best flaggers sitting in it before I feel anything. I was surprised that Jill was able to close her eyes 'cause her eyes are always so open. - What, I have to go to sleep now. - You can still hear them. Even while she was crying, like when you can see sleeping people dream, she's like. - Blink, blink. - Yeah. - Blink, blink. (laughing) She's like, you don't even wanna see my REM cycle? What are you doing here on this lazy boy? First thing in the morning, what are you doing? I'm so surprised, what's happening? They're like, hey, is Jill in one of those massage chairs? Why is it vibrating so much? It's just her eyeballs going back and forth. (laughing) - Are you in my head? Oh my God, oh God, I'm not so fast at you. - Don't worry, someone's just blaming, some stripper's just blaming her for someone else cheating. - Blink, blink, what? (laughing) - I didn't do it! - Oh, so yeah, I hit in therapy. And then they bring in the older lady, Linda Davis. Is that her name? I love that actress. - Is that little short lady? - Who's always like the older lady with weird bangs in every movie. - Uh-huh, Linda Davis, right? - Linda Hunt. - Linda Hunt, Linda Hunt, yeah. They bring her in and she's like, ♪ Close your eyes ♪ ♪ Here's what you want ♪ - M&M's? - No. ♪ You want a glass of water, a nice talk ♪ ♪ And then you want to wait ♪ ♪ And give the water 10 minutes to make you feel ♪ ♪ Like you've just eaten a pizza ♪ - I'm like, bitch, does this ever work? Like, come on, you a hundred. Don't tell me that you really think this works. You're too smart for this. - Meanwhile, Quad is like on the edge of her seat. She's like, does somebody say glass of water? (laughing) Just like looking around in all directions. - What is that, isn't it cool? - I'm imagining a glass of water in my face. And it was awful, awful. My face is my money maker. That's how I make my face? You threw a glass at a bank wall, girl. Glass at a bank wall. The only thing thirsty in here is that pizza pie and left in the Toyota Camaree. - Mm-hmm. - You're like the opposite of a nakis. Just don't do it again. Don't do it again, listen. Come on, do it again. You'll be like a running shoe walking up a hill, girl. - Oh, quadlet. (laughing) They go into this whole thing. Quad's texting, heavenly's drinking coffee. Simone's sleeping. Simone and her husband are my favorite couple. I think they are so cute. The husband doesn't even pretend. He just sits his ass down in the biggest, most comfortable lazy boy and just laughs the whole time. - Yeah, yeah. - So good. And then Toy is like, "Oh, we got to watch something in these chairs. You got to be popcorn." (laughing) - Yeah, because in walks, Lisa Nicole, don't, don't, don't. - And Darren and his mom jeans. Don't, don't, don't. - Y'all know I'm not cheating with any man. Who's gonna let me wear mom jeans? Come on now. That's all they had to say. I mean, if you're gonna stand up for yourself, no queen is gonna let you walk around wearing mom jeans that are acid washed. - That's right. - So basically after the hypnotherapy is done and it's totally ineffective, everyone's chit chatting. And Lisa Nicole is actually the one who starts at this time because she goes and she sits with Toya and one of the giant chairs and she's like, "You'll never guess what I heard." Quad's been telling people that Darren's gay or something along those lines, right? - Yeah. - And Toya's reaction, she's like, "Wait a second." So he cheated on you. Then he cheated again. Then he cheated with a man too. I mean, girl, that's it. That's a girl who can take a punch right there. She said something like that like, "Damn, Lisa Nicole." She can take it. - And so then Quad tries. Quad's like, "Ehh, ehh, ehh." I mean, I'm Toya's like, "Hey, hey, Quad, Quad." Well, it's down gay, it's down gay. - And Toya's like, "I'm sorry, Toya, I cannot talk to you. "I cannot talk to you. "There is a waterfall in the cafeteria right now "and I cannot talk." Quad's like, "I only see water right now. "All I can think about is drinking water." I'm like, "No, stop pretending that worked." And then Quad's like, "No, I would never. "It is over, Lisa Nicole. "Don't talk to me. "It is over, don't dead, begotten finish. "Fenetano in fast forward intended restart to self. "Be kind, rewind, Lisa Nicole." I'm like, "Uhh, you have reached level eight "of Super Mario Brothers, and now we are going "on to level one in the beginning of world two." "Ehh, you're going to world two "until you save that princess. "Don't be pretending that you save that princess girl." - Lisa Nicole, the princess is in another castle and you best get going to Fanta. - And it's a man, and your husband fucking him. That's all I'm saying. - It's like, "Oh, Quad, your husband is taking it "from Bowser," Lisa Nicole. (laughing) - Bowser. - I've learned his tricks. I watch how many times he jumped up and down before I run under him, and that's all I'm saying, girl. - Girl, you can throw as many five balls as you want, but unless you've got that hammer to close that bridge up, girl, he is going to be pounding your husband. - There's a reason that Bowser's full of balls, girl. - Girl, you better duck because there are some flames flying right over your head. (laughing) - Bowser's coming for Darren. - There's some flames on your head, and your husband's the only person smart enough to get under Bowser's ass. - Girl, you better chase after your husband, but remember, you got to go up and down in the middle, and then up and again, and then you get to Bowser, okay, girl? - Girl, good. Quad is ridiculous. She's like, just let it in, Lisa Nicole, it's over. What is over, Quad? You're on TV actively calling her husband a homosexual right now, like literally right now. - Yeah, because then Darren gets up and he's like, (laughing) listen, listen, ladies, all I want to say is that I have never cheated on Lisa Nicole with a man, not even the sexiest of man with a chiseled body, like a Greek god. You just want to lick chocolate sauce off his nipples. Never done that, ever before in my life. - But I'm cool with it. I mean, I'm not a homophill for anything, like I'm totally cool with gay people. It's just not my lifestyle, like it's not something I pursue, you know, because I'm straight, and when I cheat on my wife with ass sex, it's with women, not men, because I'm not gay, not that there's anything wrong with that. It's like. - Why is this argument? Why is this your defense that it's not a guy? Just say, "Look, you're talking shit, please stop." Well, you don't have the right, I'm not a man getting into a woman's business. Actually, bitch, it's a woman getting into a man's business. - Yeah, she's like, stay out of it, stay out of it. They're like, well, it's about him. You're basically smearing his name. - You're basically ruining his reputation and his practice and his family. - Family. - Not only, not just because he's gay, obviously, I'm not gonna say that's ruining anything, but if he's a closet case and cheating on his wife, like, you dumbass, mind your own business and leave it between two women. No, sorry, that doesn't work. I'm sick of the women on the show going after the men and the being like, "The man has an opinion." Like, okay, heavenly. You can sit here and call women whores, and this and that all day, but then once a man tries to stick up for a woman, you have a problem with the man being mean to women. Like, do you hear yourselves? Come on, people. - Yeah, and I also really don't like Quad pretending, like, I am going to stay out of it. You know, I just don't know. I don't know, but she says it's none of her business. She tries to be high-minded. When she sneaks in and comments about, like, Lisa Nicole's a beard, and then at this part of the episode, Quad is saying, like, you know, Martin Luther King had an "I Have a Dream" speech. Well, Darren has the "I Am a Queen" speech, which, first of all, made no sense. I don't know why you tie it into "I Have a Dream." But I actually thought that was an offensive moment. - Of course! It was so offensive! - Because it was, first of all, it was totally, I don't know, you know, you can't spend the whole episode saying you don't know and you're saying out of it, and then you actually, now you've actually called him a queen and put a little crown on your head. But it's also like, by the way, it's like offensive. It's just, I don't know, the entire thing, I was like, you know what, you are actually a hateful, nasty woman right now, and I've always liked that. - She's a vile human being, and fuck that girl. I like when Darren was, when Darren had his moment. I love that he's always sitting, well, I guess all the husbands are, they sit next to the wives. And it's just so awkward, 'cause Darren's like, "Well, here's what I feel." My opinion is that Quad is a liar, and that's my opinion. My opinion is the Quad lot. Really, it's your opinion? Did you suck a dick or not, dude? Like, how is it your opinion that Quad's a liar? No, it's not your opinion. Quad's a fucking liar, and that's it. And then he's sitting next to Lisa Nicole, who's like nodding up and down with her half-clothes, valium eyes, and he's like, here's one thing I know about my wife. She's always got my back, always. I can fuck a waitress in a truck stop, and I can still come home to Lisa Nicole. It's like, that is so sweet, it's all around. Like, what the hell? - I mean, I don't know if he's gay or not. I don't know if this guy was telling the truth. There was an interview, so I'm posting an interview with him on our Facebook page, and I started to read some of it, and I was like, you know what, I don't care. But I do think it's, I think it's, I don't think it's right of Quad to put this all on TV. I do think that Quad arranged for that guy to come to her event. - Totally. Oh my God, when Lisa Nicole whipped out her phone of-- - Oh yeah, we're not even talking about that. When Quad, I was like, I don't know who this man is, then Lisa Nicole, this is of course the big moment, was the Lisa Nicole, I was like, wow, then, what, who's this? And then it's like, Quad would, and she's like, well, you know, there's so many people at these events, you know, I just, oh no, I do events all I do is events. I'm one giant event calendar. Sometimes I get time out magazine, and I look through there just to see where I am in the events. It's like, oh my God, shut up. If you wanna have a birthday party on Facebook, you have to go to their Quad tab, because I am all events. (laughing) Quad is so full of shit, like she's at every event in town, 'cause she's a real celebrity. Get out of here with your community theater, ass lady, okay? And then she's talking about all these events, and she just doesn't happen to remember that someone with Kenya, more contacts, keeps coming up to her at like 20 events in a row. Bitch, please, okay, please, no one buys it. I love that Lisa Nicole, no one buys it. Quad is such a fucking liar. She's a horrible human being, and I'm so glad she's going down. And now she thinks, oh, now they're gonna just fire Lisa Nicole, 'cause I don't like her, because they chose me over Mariah, no, bitch, Mariah's back next year, and your ass is gone. No one's gonna shoot with you, you're disgusting. And you're so obvious, like she's only doing this because of the gay thing that Lisa Nicole said, like you said last week, it's tip for tat. It's just obvious, she's so transparent, and she's so stupid that even her little digs don't make sense. Her "I have a dream" thing, which is so offensive, then she even has a prop for it, and it still makes no sense. It's like you went to the effort to get a prop from the party store, and you still make no sense. (laughing) You're an idiot. - Yeah. - What an idiot. What an idiot. That's what the show should be called. What an idiot. What an idiot. It's old barn dance style! You owe me an apology! I'm like, really? She owes you an apology for you telling everybody that her husband's gay. Are you fucking crazy? And then Lisa Nicole's like, well, I would like my phone back, and she's like, you gave it to me. - Well, but I wasn't for kiepsies. It's not a gift bag. I need my phone back. - Really? 'Cause at events, people give me things, and I keep 'em, I keep 'em! That's why I still have dance. But boy, I met him in an event. I put him in my trunk, and he's still in there right now. You want to talk to him right now? It's like, oh, God. (laughing) God. You're making the entire world cringe. Just stop. - I know. Well, we have now devoted many hours to discussing this stuff. So I think we've reached the end. - We have. - I think you're it. - It's over. - And I just want to say, Ben, my friend, Ben. - Yes, yes. - And also, audience, put mostly Ben. I love being raging on this show and speaking my mind. Today's been extra, I know. And thank you. I feel so good. - I hope the first 12 hours of your fifth decade on Earth have been wonderful. - For us. - No, you're in your fifth decade. - Oh, it's because my fifth. - Yeah, that's why. That's why she's celebrating starting at 41 'cause things don't really count until the one is at it. Otherwise, it's just a zero. And what fun is that? Right, guys? - Well, Ronnie, if you decide, if you change your mind and want to go out tonight or do something, even something small, you just let me know. - Okay, thank you. Well, for sure, we'll do something like next week. I'll actually like plan something for real and we'll go do something fun. But seriously, I know that this was more raging than usual. - And thank you. - Oh, I love that. - And thank you, Ben, for always accepting me for whoever I am. You know, no matter if it's happy, it's sad, angry, or whatever. - Ronnie, you're so sweet to think that, but I rarely accept you for anything you are. (laughing) - Well, then thank you for being a really good faker 'cause really, that's all I require. - That's more like it. - That's all I need, Ben. - Everybody, thank you. Love y'all as usual. You can find us on Facebook at facebook.com/watchupcraphens or on Twitter @workcraphens. And thank you for everybody who supports us, literally, on Patreon. Go to patreon.com/watchworkcraphens. And also thank you to Nick's issue for being wonderful and giving us magazines to read in bed that don't have pop-up ads like some of these full websites. I'm not talking to you us, magazine. - Yes. - And that's it. Next week, I will be-- - Naked. - Hopefully recovered. - Yeah, okay, that too. - Naked. - I could be naked right now. Nobody would know the difference. - No one would know. - You would feel my shame from there. You would feel my shame through the speakers. - Love you, everybody. - Thanks, everyone. - Mm, bye. - Next issue is the mobile app that lets you tap directly into the world's most popular magazines anytime, anywhere, using your phone or tablet. The best part, next issue is offering a free trial right now when you go to nextissue.com/crapins. Again, you can try the next issue for free right now when you go to nextissue.com/crapins. If you like listening to comedy, try watching it on the internet. The folks behind the sideshow network of launch the new YouTube channel called Wait for It. It's got interviews with comedians like Reggie Watts, Todd Glass, Liza Schleichinger, slicing dragon friends with it for 10 years. One of the funniest people out there, and I still have a hard time with the last name, Liza, our very own Owen Benjamin, that's me, takes you on a musical journey down Internet rabbit holes and much more. You don't have to wait any longer. Just go to youtube.com/waitforaccomedy. There's no need to wait for it anymore, because it's here, and it's funny, and I love you. - To the insurance company that did me wrong, I've moved on, I'm happily insured with another. Bless your peep-picking heart. It was just never meant to be betwixt us. You gave me automobile insurance apprehension, and Geico has come along in just 15 minutes giving me new car insurance, and made me as dupulent as a newborn lamb in springtime. And Paul has given Geico his approval. That's one thing you never had. Joyful with another, Clara May in Columbia. - Geico, 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance. - If you like Watchbook Crapins, you can listen ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey at wondery.com/survey. - Bombas makes the most comfortable socks, underwear, and t-shirts. - Warning, Bombas are so absurdly comfortable you may throw out all your other clothes. - Sorry, do we legally have to say that? - No, this is just how I talk, and I really love my Bombas. - They do feel that good, and they do good too. One item purchased equals one item donated. - To feel good and do good, go to bombas.com/wondery and use code Wondery for 20% off your first purchase. That's B-O-M-B-A-S.com/wondery and use code Wondery at checkout.
