Is it just me or is TV gotten really complicated? Thankfully, Fylo has changed that for me, one service, all the stuff I need. Fylo's got current seasons of the shows I can't miss. Live on networks like A&E, Paramount, Discovery, and TLC. Classics like The Office, Martin, and Friends that I never get sick of, and all the incredible originals on AMC+ from Mad Men Hello to Orphan Black. And don't forget their library of more than 75,000 movies and shows, all of which I can save and re-watch any time for a whole year. Never miss a minute of shows like The Golden Girls, you know I'm always watching The Golden Girls, and Fylo has it. Best of all, with Fylo, you get all of this for just $28 a month. No contract, no hassles. Just one subscription and a world of entertainment. So go to Fylo.tv and check it out for a free seven-day trial. That's p-h-i-l-o.tv to start watching. Unlock your imagination with Audible. When you listen to audio content, your mind is free to paint the scenes and feel the emotions of a great story. Audible's extensive catalog is sure to have titles that you'll enjoy, immerse yourself in captivating tales, learn from world-renowned experts, and discover new perspectives all while multitasking or relaxing. There's more to imagine when you listen, and one title that I've been listening to is my friend Neil J. Young's Coming Out Republican, which talks about the history of gay Republicans. It's super fascinating and super interesting. As an Audible member, you choose one title a month to keep from their entire catalog. New members can try Audible free for 30 days. Visit Audible.com/crapins or text Crapins to 500-500. That's Audible.com/crapins or text Crapins to 500-500. So I'm standing in the Walgreens holding a sharing size pack of P&M&M's, and I looked at the People magazine because you know that's my favorite. Yeah, tough crosswords. And it was really good because there's that lady who's pretending to be black, who's the head of the NAACP, so I knew it was going to be a good issue. Rachel Dolezal, yeah. But I did not have enough money to buy it, and then I remembered. I don't think that much money, because I have it waiting for me at home on my op-ad, and I sure did. Yeah. Because I have next issue, yo. Yeah, it's true. And did you know that you can get your free 30-day trial at nextissue.com/crapins? Hell yeah. What's better than getting a People magazine than getting it through Crapins? I mean, this has Audrey Hepburn private family photos. It's Audrey Hepburn gorgeous with her little baby, and you can feel the disdain that she feels as she looks down in the middle of the cover, and it's Kate and George's fat little baby. You know, Audrey Hepburn's baby is like, "That baby's fat, mummy." Well, here's the thing. Okay, I'm going to be honest. I'm not really an avid reader of people, but it doesn't matter, because with next issue, you get tons and tons and tons of magazines. I mean, you could look at Joe Manginello on the cover of Details. You can even look inside the magazine and look at all of Joe Manginello. I mean, you could go to diabetic living. Inside Joe Maninello, yeah. However, you say his name. There's like, I mean, they actually have like tons and tons of magazines, and they are all available on your tablet if you do this thing. Yeah, it's like a Netflix for your magazines, except you don't have to wait for this stuff to come out later, because it's just waiting for you right on your iPad. And Ben, if you're not reading people, you need to start. They've got the fake black lady, Audrey Hepburn and her skinny baby, Kate and George's fat baby, and then the topper, seduced by killers, arrested for helping two prisoners escape. And right on top of that headline is the fat baby running for a soccer ball. I mean, come on. I mean, it's everything you want. And the truth is also, if you do next issue, anything that's in the magazine is going to be on next issue. It's like everything that's in the print editions, on the same day they hit the newsstands. And there's also like interactive stuff too. It's an incredible value. One subscription gets you all these magazines for as little as $10 per month, and it could be used on up to five devices. And you can get your free 30-day trial at nextissue.com/crapins now and read up way up on all your interests. Nextissue.com/crapins. Watch what crap is. Watch what crap is. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap is? Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap is? Hey everyone, welcome to Watch what crap is a podcast about all that crap on? I almost said on podcasts, but on Bravo that we just love to watch. I'm Ben Mantleker from besideblog.com and the banter blender and joining me is the lovely and funny and beautifully voiced Ronnie Karam from trashtalktv.com. Oh, Ben, stop it. Yes, listen to that ranging be so deep and get so high. It's a man of a million voices, it's Ronnie. Ben, I love, yeah. I'm the man of three voices. I've just used him for a million characters. Yeah, that's true, too. It's like the Simpsons. You could fill the slot, filled left by Harry Shearer. Wow, we are very excited because we're recording this. It's Tuesday, which means that, of course, this episode, we will be talking about real housewives of Orange County. Cannot wait to talk about this latest episode. We will be talking about marriage and medicine. And I'm sure we'll be talking about lots of other errata. I don't know. Are we going to talk about mother funders? Yes, no. Maybe we'll touch on it since I spent four-- No, and I totally texted you to watch it because I thought we would need something. And then I didn't want to. Then Ronnie didn't watch it. But it's OK because my DVR just cut off the first 20 minutes of it. And so I only had to watch 40 minutes, including commercials. So it was OK. It was OK. I survived. But let's do a little housekeeping, of course. You know, you can follow us on facebook.com/watchwatchcrapins. All sorts of really fun stuff. Everyone's really funny. So, Chrissy Teigen, if you're listening, it's a really good page to like. Oh my god, Chrissy Teigen hates our asses so much right now. I know, but at this point, she's asking for us because she tweets out, "Hey, what's a good podcast to listen to? I'm going on a long flight." And some of us just talk about it. She tweeted, "Is there something serial-esque?" And people are like, "Yeah. What's with crapins?" "Plink! What's with crapins is not serial-esque." "David, did you or did you not have a mistress?" "Did you or did you not speak to that woman in the parking lot of the best? I gave it." "David, David answer me David." "David, I would actually overrule David." "I would love to see Shannon Bedour hosting the next season of serial." "I'm non-side, were you or were you not at the library?" "I guess, I guess, sometimes I have bad thoughts about you." "I've had a lot of days where I have good thoughts, but then some days I have bad thoughts I've done." "Sometimes all I can think about is the inside of a trunk, David. I'm so sorry. I don't know what happened." "I didn't do it. A homeless guy who peed in the bushes did it, David. David, where are they taking me, David?" "David, we drove to Best Buy, and then we drove to that park on the other side of Baltimore, and it took us all day." "David, how did you do it in an hour, David?" "David, is that a Best Buyer Heather's new house, David?" "David, my name's Adenah, not David." "David, why are you saying your name's Adenah? David, did you have a religious change without me? David, did you or did you not push high off the chandelier?" "Did you or did you not have Socky on the way to nap, Adenah? David, David, did you only buy three bottles of wine for the scorecase, David?" "I actually wish we could redo the entire cereal with her as the host. That would be funny." "Adenah, hey, Adenah, so you're so cute. Adenah, come sit on my lap. Adenah, why are you running? How can he run? He's in jail." "Adenah? Adenah? Adenah, don't be mad at me. I just feel like you're giving me hope and I've just gotten used to life in here. Don't be mad at me for this. Here lies Shannon Bator, who gave hope to Adenah, that was her wifely duty." "And here's to Adenah, who completely ignored Shannon her entire life and made her feel things she didn't want to feel, made her have a completely negative thought full day. Thanks a lot, Adenah." "Adenah, how do you feel when you see me lying by a teamstone? Does it make you think of 'Hey, does it? David, Aden?" "Hey, that reminds me of the ho-down. She deserved to die, David." "David, Adenah, I hope they don't give you the chair because that's my chair." "Hey, David, have sex with someone on 'Hey. I'm coming to group." "Adenah, why didn't you introduce me to 'Hey? I'm just sitting here at the bar. Why are you doing shots? Why are you killing someone with that introducing me to her first?" "Oh, cereal. Can't wait till you come back. But anyway, otherwise, this is not a cereal podcast. Sorry, Kristi Teigen. She's like, "Damn it." "She's still on the plane right now." "She's like, "Listen, like, what's gonna happen with Shannon Bator and Adenah?" "So, yeah, so that's what you can find." "You can go home and tell her husband, "Do you know what's going on in the world?" "Right, the beautiful new song, the bad, beautiful new love song." "Oh, God. So anyway, so yeah, come to our Facebook page. You can also support us at Patreon where you can donate at all sorts of different levels. When you do, you get access to things like a bonus episode or ringtones or a monthly hangout, which we did last week. We had some technical issues, but we did it. Patreon.com/wattrokrappens. We have new premium tiers, and everyone, we actually have a premium supporter. "We have to thank--" "Rameon!" "Rameon!" Claudia Catalina. "Claudia, thank you so much. This podcast is sponsored in part by Claudia Catalina. So, everyone--" "This has been brought to you by Next Issue, featuring the cover of Claudia." "Claudia!" "On the first cover of Watrokrappens Magazine is Claudia Catalina. So, thanks Claudia. We really appreciate it. We really, really do. And, of course, if you donate at a premium tier level, you also will get a shout-out. And normally, we do them at the end of the episode, but we're so happy and excited that we gave Claudia a full spot right in the middle of this part. "We love you, Claudia." "Claudia." "How about else? We got to sell anything else?" "No, that's it. I think that's it." "We don't have Boxy Charm today?" "We do have Boxy Charm, I believe. But I don't remember with the Boxy Charm. I've got to find the Boxy Charm stuff here, so--" "Boxy Charm, Capy?" "Boxy Charm. Where's my Boxy Charm?" "A surprise just arrived in your mailbox bin, and it's full of Boxy Charm!" "Well, I do love Boxy Charm because I love a mystery box, you guys. When I get mail, it is usually bills, bills, bills, people complaining that I haven't paid for that. TV I got from Best Buy like three years ago." "You are just like Destiny's Child." "But did you know this about Boxy Charm? That it's a beauty subscription box that sends you full-sized products ranging from cosmetics, skincare, hair care, and more for only $21 a month, plus free shipping, and with no long-term commitment, and you can cancel at any time?" "Other companies send sample sizes, but Boxy Charm sends you full-sized products from popular brands such as Tarte Cosmetics, NCLA, Oscar Blondie, and Cargo Cosmetics." "Boxy Charm promises a total value of $95 or more each month. Boxy Charm also offers exclusive members only offers and giveaways from the best brands. Subscribers can receive loyalty points to redeem extra goodies for their box. Perfect for treating yourself, wife, girlfriend, mom, friends, David. If you're still not sold, just search "Boxy Charm" on YouTube to access thousands of unboxing videos." "Yeah, my friend Tricia was like, 'Boxy Charm, makeup in a box.' And I'm like, 'Yeah, you gotta change it up because you gotta change your makeup every once in a while. Be like Ramona. It's new. It's fresh. You're new. It's a new you. I mean, some of my friends still wear, like, old base from the 80s. Okay? No, that's gone. It makes your pores look big. Way and see what the kids are wearing. Get your box of charm, y'all." "Yeah, I get it. Yeah, so we did it. We did it. Everyone, if you've made it this far, we thank you." "Yeah, we don't have anything else to plug today." "And that concludes our podcast. So thanks, everyone. This is our full hour." "It's a podcast about plug-in. No, I mean, we just, I think we should, I think we have to, it's time to dump into, dump into, dive into." "Dive into and dump on the real house of Orange County. You know, when we spend this much time laughing, it adds that there's only two shows on that. We have it." "It's true. Let's talk about "Boxy Charm" for the bonus episode, Bean." "Yeah, we could talk about that. I mean, because obviously, we're not going to be talking about Odd Mom Out, right?" "You know, I've tried with Odd Mom Out. I don't get it. I mean, I lived in New York for 10 years and those are not the moms. Those are not like the Central Park crazy moms. Those moms, you know, the real ones are like 30s and 40s. They don't act like fake classy 20-year-old drippers." "The fancy moms on this Odd Mom Out are very like 20-year-old, like they're 20-year-old who blew somebody to get their job. Let's face it, because none of them are comics, none of them are actors. They're all just kind of like bad acting 20-year-olds. I don't like it." "Yeah. Jill Kargman, who I guess wrote the book that this series is based on, you know, I give her props for figuring out a deal where she could star in her own series. But what I've seen of the show, the writing doesn't bother me so much. But I think she's just not a good actress. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Jill Kargman. I'm very sorry. I'm sorry, okay. You're ruining your own show, okay. You know, it's just..." "I don't even know, like, if she's a bad actor. I think the writing's not good, but I only watched her first one. So, you know, maybe it gets better. I don't like anything the first episode." "I just, I hear the lines, die, die terrible deaths with her poor delivery. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay. You're what I say and how it is." "Like, I don't get how she's the kooky one when, like, the cuckiest thing she does is dance around in her underwear. Like, Tom Cruise did that in the '80s, okay?" "All right. Well, that, that, that..." I mean, not panties, but, you know, not to trash it. I've only watched it once, so I don't know. It's not... "I feel like there's a lot of upside. I feel like there's a lot of upside, but I think... Jill Kargman, get, get thee to some acting classes. Please, please, please, please." "Okay, so, any way..." "I'm gonna do first. Real half-wise of once counting, Ben." "I'll be, I'll be, I'll be..." "We have to, because it's so..." "It was cracking me up. This episode, this week, I was rolling on the floor. Just everything about it was absolutely hilarious." "From Shannon freaking out on David, from Heather being totally inseparable, from Tamara wanting attention from her boobs, from Tamara saying that she was saved." "Everything, every single thing. You know, I'm just sad that there wasn't more Vicky to, to add to the mix. But let's sort of be good at it." "But, well, we got to see her granny thongs, or whatever. Oh, yeah, those are probably like free giveaways at Andelez. Buy three shots and get a thong." "Yeah, she's like, could you believe that a 15-year-old busboy used to wear these? Now they're mine! I won! I won the Andelez lottery." "You almost made her into Reza there." "That's so koro-de-kaza! That's so cracker!" "So let's start at the beginning, because I've taken 20 pages in it." "Me too, me too, I took a ton. I think it started with Meghan talking about how they're moving again." "She's like, we're moving again. It's like the 7th time. I can't deal with it." "Maybe I feel like maybe..." "It's so hard, like, finding any hats. Are they running from the mob or something like that?" "I mean, who moves this office? They were just moving in and now they're moving out." "Someone's got bed bugs in that family." "Yeah, I think that Jim is just trying to get rid of Reza. Maybe if I move enough, she'll come home one day and I'll just be at a different house and I'll never have to see her again." "I'm still in that mode where I'm realizing what some of these lines are in the openings because I've realized that if I pay attention to the openings, I see something new every time." "I haven't really seen anything new this time, but Shannon's whole lemons into a bowl thing just kills me every time, especially while her marriage is crushing, and she's talking about how Feng Shui can fix everything." "Yeah. My mind gives you lemons, but not in a bowl." "Not in a bowl, and make David sleep outside." "When life gives you a fair, turn the hookers into lemonade and make David pretend he doesn't enjoy drinking it every morning." "When I put those lemons in the bowl, it was a low point in my marriage because that was the day that I woke up, and David suddenly said he wanted to have lemonade instead of nine lemons in the bowl, and he never likes lemonade." "David, David, that was the moment." "I think something was wrong when David actually took one of the lemons out and ate, and I've never seen David eat a vegetable." "David, David, what's happening to you? David is cheating on me." "David, I always thought you liked lime, not lemons. Lemons were my thing." "David, David, but I'm working through it." "This episode opens with Heather and Tamara joined by Megan, and of course, the obligatory waiter scene. And this waiter, you guys, this Bravo waiter worked really hard. He was like, "Hi, guys, I'm John, your waiter. Would you like water, tea, coffee, wine? Would you like wine? Would you like pop tarts? Would you like to hear our appetizer list? Have you ever been here before? Do you need a render?" "It's like, shut up. Even Heather was gonna smack him, and she's trying to be nice." "Are you carrying collect? Collect shamps? Do you have shamps?" "I'm sorry, she can't call it collect shamps. It's collect meth shamps." "No, no one's carrying collect. You barely carried collect. Get out of here." "I did a search for it online, and I don't think anyone's carrying it, and it costs $40 a bottle. Can you believe that?" "Girl, that is not your target audience, okay? Fancy bitches are not ordering this wine. These are poor people. You need to have like a Ramona Pinot Grigio." "Yeah, exactly. That's like in the $13 to $18 range, which is even more expensive than I'm willing to pay for Pinot Grigio, but still, at least it's a little bit more user-friendly." "I mean, $40 for Collette. I mean, come on now. Come on. Come on." "That's how much you pay the nanny for a day of taking care of Collette, okay? Yeah, exactly." "So she's asking about Collette, which no, and then she's talking about these massive parties she has because she's Heather, and you know, Heather, when she changed her name, she had a party. When she broke ground on her new mall house, she had a party." "When she had a pedicure, she had a party." "Yeah, special moments." "And every one of them was obnoxious heads." "Exactly. So then, my first belly laugh came when Megan started talking about how she's, I guess she's going to be hosting a charity dinner, and she's trying to get the catering set or whatever, and someone gave her Shannon's number to call, and so there's a flashback to Megan calling Shannon and being like, "Hey, what's up?" And I'd be like, "Hey, it's Megan King. I'm calling because someone's going to give me your number, and I'm just wondering about this thing, this charity thing that, like, I'm hosting it this year. I know you hosted it." And she was like, "Yes, that's right. That's right." I was like, "I just wondering about the catering, and I was wondering if I could, like, get some insight from you." And she just goes, "Who is this?" "This is a little passive-aggressive icing out of Megan, Miss 30-year-old." "I'm a 30-year-old. I don't have a problem with you, David." "And I just lost it. I love the way Shannon engages in warfare." It's so passive. She's like, "Well, I heard that you hosted the same party last year for the same charity." And Shannon's like, "No, actually, no, I didn't. No, that was not my charity. My charity was Chuck E. Cheese Cancer Foundation. That's where Chuck E. Cheese removes cis from children while they eat pizza." So different, completely different. I don't want to talk to you. But who is this? Someone gave me your number. Oh, someone gave you my number. Oh, well, you know, my kids are in the car, so my kids are here. I'm sorry, I can't talk to strangers with their children in their car. I'm sorry. David? David, is this your mistress calling? David? David? David, who's calling close? David? David? What she said later really did make you think, "Oh my gosh, she totally thought it was David's mistress." Because she's like, "How would someone have my number?" I mean, who has my private number? My private cell phone number. Kevin, how? Like, who is trying to call Shannon? Who has a public cell phone number? It's like next issue. They're like, "Do you know what you can get on your iPad?" She's like, "Play, stop calling me." Please, please. Who gave you my number, the Chuck E. Cheese Cancer Foundation, because I will destroy them. Who gave me this box of makeup? David? David, is this her mistress? No, I got you some boxy chob. David, this isn't my makeup. I knew our marriage went wrong when I got a package from David, filled with makeup that I never wear. I thought, "Do you even know me, David? David, have you ever met me? This is a box of someone else's makeup. David, you said this to the wrong slut, David." David, I'm being harassed by your mistress every single month. She's sending me a box to remind me of all the good times that she has with you. It's every month that's makeup to show all the times you guys go out. David? Honey, I just did that so that you could smile. Oh, really? That's going to make me smile? Something from a stranger that I never wear? Oh, that's great. Bring your mistress over for dinner. I'll be smiling ear to ear, David. I'll be smiling ear to ear, David. David? David, you know the only subscription service I've bought belong to is boxy lemon. David? David? I'm lemons every month. I never know what's going to be in there, but they're always lemons. David, sometimes I get a spry can. I cut it in half hoping that I get the lemon side and then all this sort of comes out. This is so... Shannon's totally rude on the phone, which is amazing, basically, which I love. Who is this? Who is this? Who is this? Who is this? I'm sorry. I have children in the car. So, so funny. Then I'm putting... I don't even know what I'm talking about. By the way, by the way, I need to address a pink elephant in the room. By the way, I was going to say, can you hear me when I speak? By the way, I'm not sure if it cuts out my audience. On and off, I can't hear you when I drop. Isn't that, isn't that helpful? David, no, I was going to say, what telemarker calls up asking about catering assistance? Like, hey, I'm looking to host something I want to get your recommendations in catering. Who is this telemarketer? Hey, I'm throwing an event for a charity. I heard you through the event. Would you like some poor children delivered right to your door? I can do it. I've got a lot of them in this charity. A lot of poor kids. Not a lot of your children. Anyway, I'm sorry. Go on. No, I'm just reading my notes. It was a pressing thought in my head. I was like, what sort of telemarketer did you think this was? Like, hi, this is Timmer Barney, your friend. David is a telemarketer. Timmer's trying to sell me charity again, David. David, Timmer started working for a telemarketer. I'm sorry homeless person asking for change, but my children are in the car. How dare you? This is so inappropriate. The other day, David took me to a restaurant full of telemarkers, knows an Indian restaurant. I know. It was outsourcing. Let's address the pink elephant in the room. Vicki's in Mexico. Heather brings up this whole Shannon thing, which was a non-issue that she got a shot from David last year at that hoe down or whatever. Heather's like, who cares? If someone wants to have sex with Terry, I'd just say have a go at it. Now, if you want as well as Fargo card, that's completely different. I'll cut your vagina. This penis takes it any time. Take his penis. And his onion rings, too. So then Vicki's going to be winning an award, a real estate award. Yeah, she's going to Florida. She's going to, because it's the Oscars for the insurance industry. Oh, yeah, it's just like the Oscars. Black people are never nominated for anything. And, you know, if you show up without a leg or something, you're an automatic shoe end. And midway through, there's an interpretive dance segment. You know, car insurance, car insurance, car insurance. We've got our own Harvey Weinstein. You know, we upgraded his maxima, and he's banging every 20-year-old in the room. And Neil Patrick Harris, who's... Outstanding, outstanding, term life insurance. Those two, Vicki Gondelson. That's my dream. My dream is getting a slab of plastic from Douge. I'll tell you. Gerald McRaney is nominated also. Gerald McRaney. He took up a job at State Farm. He had to keep up with Delta's shellacking business. So, let's find out what Delta Burke's been up to, Delta. Well, I shall lack things now. I'm sure I've told you about that before. That's the best Delta Burke talk show appearance I've ever seen. I don't even remember what it was, but she's like, "Hi, y'all. It's me, Delta. I'm back." And they're like, "Hi, Delta. What's been going on?" She's like, "I love shellacking things. I shellac this rose. I shellac the cupcake. It doesn't even matter. You can shellac anything, shellac a child. You'll have that child forever." I was like, "Oh, no. I'll have it ever." Poor Delta Burke. So, Gerald's in insurance now. Gerald McRaney is at insurance at State Farm, and he's nominated for a State Farm Oscar. He's up against the athletic. Well, I'd like to thank State Farm for keeping me out of my home, which we call the crazy farm. Get it, people. I was on a sitcom. Woo-hoo! I love major dad. It's a biggie in the background. Oh, this is the best award show ever. I haven't even fallen over yet. So, she's getting ready to go to this thing, insisting it's like the Oscars. Some people get it in no dress. I have Gretchen's chin now. That's how I'm going to go. Who cares what I'm wearing? When they ask me what I'm wearing, I'm going to say, "Slade smiley kisses it at night." And they're going to ask me back at a question. Gretchen's chin? Just like on "Chef Ernie." It's like the Oscars in "Chef Ernie." I'm not even following it anymore. It just all sounds funny. It doesn't make any sense. You know, I love when we have our fantasies. Gerald McRaney and Vicki up for the same award with the athletic duck. My biggest competition is Gerald McRaney. Oh, I feel so bad for people who listen to this through one of those streaming services that gives you no rewind or fast forward ability. I know. If you listen to it through iTunes, on the iPhone with the podcast app, you can fast forward 15 seconds at a time. Yeah, because some of them, you can't. Stitcher, you can, thank God. I'm like, "No wonder so many people listening to this on Stitcher." It's probably a 10-minute show at home. It's like one boxy charm at home, and then that's it. I know. By the way, pause for one second. How exciting. Ronnie posted this on our Facebook. We hit number nine on iTunes. Our episode was number nine in TV and film. It was so exciting. All the podcasts around us were NPR and Game of Thrones and all professionally done. We were the top dumb podcasts. We have to thank all the listeners, perhaps Chrissy Teigen, who got us up there because that's pure grassroots because everyone else has like engines, corporate engines behind them. We just were, you know, just shows with a whole bunch of silly voices and dirty words can get you in life. Number nine. It's like a Skype account, guys. It doesn't even have to work half the time. Yeah. We were number nine, right? Or nine, right? Or six? Nine. We were number one, right? Yeah. Yeah, but that was like two, I think two or three days after we had uploaded. So who knows how high it got then? I mean, I'm not a little sorry. It's like we won an Oscar in the insurance industry. Oh, yeah. You know, we're right up there with three Game of Thrones guys and some NPR guys. So basically-- And the Gerald MacRani will listen to podcasts. Smart people and then Bravo people. So thank you. Thank you. Thank you, everyone. Okay, so back to Orange County. So Vicki went off. Basically, this is all we saw at Vicki. She went off. She packed her thongs, went off. Yeah. And then Shannon sat there and tried to pretend like she was really positive, but she's still thinking about David. And she's like, "Oh, Vicki, that's wonderful news. I'm serious." And she's totally not. She looks miserable. She's going to make herself throw up and then like drink it and choke on it. She's like, "I think it's wonderful that you can back everything into one bag." Whenever we fly, we pay through the nose because we bring so much baggage. David. David. David. Of course, David. I wanted to have her. She's talking about how people are suddenly nice to her. And I forgive it, but I have not forgotten. Yeah. Yeah. And so sets the tone for the rest of the season. Yes. So anyway-- Listen here, Shannon. I don't know what's going on inside that dark little brain of yours, but whoop it up. You don't know. You've got to have a drink or a penis. I mean, I don't even care. I don't care what it is, but whoop it up. And Shannon's like, "I'm getting Dr. Moon's thumb up my ass later." And hopefully that'll do it. We'll see. David. David, why don't you put your thumb up my ass? David, happy anniversary. I brought you rubber gloves. Okay. So then it was time for everyone to fly up to Napa. So everyone gathers at the airport. Meghan is dressed like she just stepped out of Dynasty. She's like, she loves to rock some 80s power outfits, right? Her hair was all up. She got the shoulder pads out. I mean, she was like, she was full on, like, dynasty slash Sigourney Weaver in Working Girl, you know? Yeah. The paps are like, "Hey, what are you wearing?" And she's like, "All the ex-wives." 'Cause you know she's just going into those closets and like hemming shit. She's like, "My fashion icon is Joan Van Arc." She's like, "My husband will only let me wear things that other people have already worn." So... Yeah. He dresses me up in his mom's glamour clothes. But the third wife didn't have her hair in a bun, so we're totally different. He still calls me Jessica, though. I mean, I don't know. I'm letting it go for now. Yeah. I'm still trying to get some more of that Tuscan rustic look into our wardrobe. It's not my concept for myself. Jim's never really bought me anything, but he did by himself a teacher at once when I was with him, and it says, "I'm with the dumb bitch." And then it has an arrow pointing to me. So sweet. Really. I really felt like I was part of, you know? It's like, you can't have a joke t-shirt like that unless, you know, you're together. I was thinking... I was thinking, "What should I wear on this trip?" And I'm laying there in bed trying to imagine what I'm going to pack the next day. And then I felt myself being suffocated with one of the ex-wives ball gowns. And I thought, "You know what? This will be perfect." So anyway, so joining them was this girl, Katie, and I swear to God. This Katie girl, I've either seen her on a different show or have met her. I feel like this is a girl that I once hung out with 10 years ago. Like, I am... It's killing me. I've been doing so much detective work. Like, how do I know this girl with her white trash clothes? Oh, I know how I know this girl. How? Because I grew up born again, boy. I went to Jesus Chappell's thing. And let me tell you, I've known a million of those girls and they all crazy bitches. And here's why. Not because they're Christian, okay? I don't care about your religion or whatever. Even though it traumatized me as a child and still continues to as an adult. But, you know, that aside, I don't care about that. Be who you want. You know, worship who you want. But Katie's one of those Christians. I call them serial killer Christians because there's those people who are at like rock bottom emotionally, so they grab on to Christianity because they don't want to like take fault for anything. Like, when serial killers have killed so many people and then suddenly they're like, "Oh, I found Jesus. Too late. You still kill people." You know? She's one of those. And you know who they are because they smile really big and they always talk fake. Hi, Ronnie. Welcome to school. Are you doing okay? You sure look great. It has everything. Golly. One of those. They're all crazy. Yeah, I believe that. And Katie fits right in line. I mean, she's poor girl. She's got like a big ol' fake tan, over bleached hair, white trash bangs. Everything is just going all wrong. I mean, it's like a fragile rock disaster. And she is, she is like, you know, "Oh, I just have a very personal relationship with the Lord." Like, I just let him, he tells me what to do and then I do it. I love how I give her a sudden accent, even though she doesn't even have one. But it's like, you know, everything. You're like, "Oh." And then, so she's talking about church again. And guess what? Tamara's been going to church. This is what we learned on the plane. Tamara's like, "I've been going to church." Yeah, I didn't really want, you know, some things are really private. I just don't talk about them. Like, yeah, right, Tamara. You talked about, you committed suicide. Like, or tried to commit suicide and your mom, your mom fucked you up and this and that. Like, three times, you know, in front of a convention for 15 women. Yeah, no kidding. And church all I need to talk about is when you've got an ex-husband threatening to sue you if you do. Let's not beat around the bus here. Yeah. So now Tamara is... Yeah, she's found the Lord. She's found Jesus. She's found Jesus. Sunday morning. And I needed a drink. And every bar was closed. And I heard they had the wine at church. So I went. And it was fun. I mean, there was music. Wine. Everyone was then in blonde. It was great. Yeah. And then Tamara says, "I'm saved. And if you don't like it, you can suck it." Like, yeah, it sounds like you're really taking on the message of the Lord. Real well there, Tamara Sue. But then the other one, Katie's like, "Oh, yes. Well, I love the Lord. I am so glad that you have found Him." I mean, look, I don't even ask advice from anybody anymore. When I need advice, I ask for it from the Lord. I'm like, really? Did Jesus tell you not to diet your eyebrows the same college of hair? I didn't think so. I was just about to say, when she said, "You need Jesus," I was like, "I hope that's not the name of her hairstylist." Yeah. Jesus loves Aquanette, apparently. So I'm learning new things about Christianity, everything. Yeah. Yeah. Jesus loves the '80s. So we found out also this week, not on the show, but because of one of our lovely listeners posting for us on Facebook, we brought up that something happened with this Katie girl. And so she sent us the article, which explained it, which was that Katie was supposed to be full-time and her Christian thing was supposed to be like a full-time storyline, which you got to hand it to Bravo. I mean, they have no shame. They're like, "Let's just use Jesus." We've used everything else. Well, it's funny because they've gone to the Jesus well before, the Lexus Bellino, but that was kind of like the ridiculous self-serving Jesus-ness of it all. And now, at least with Katie, it's more of like, "Oh, let's watch this born again." Yeah, try and hold it together. Well, meanwhile, the reason she didn't do the show was because her husband is a famous baseball player who's an addict, I guess, and they got into a big fight one night and he went to, what, a strip club or a casino or something and got wasted and then fell off the wagon and then divorced her, which is really sad. But that's what I'm saying. That's these people. Whenever they're that crazy nice, and I don't even mean Christian, I mean, just when they're that nice, when people come up to you with a smile like that and they're like, "I am so happy for you and happy for everyone because life is beautiful." They're miserable and cutting themselves every time. She's like, "You know, I just listen to what Jesus said and Jesus shows me the way, just the way Jesus totally sent me to a destructive relationship with a drug addict." Yeah, Jesus just needed somebody reliable to be with that little addict and I was there and it had nothing to do with his money and it had nothing to do with his fame. I was just with him because I loved him and wanted to stitch him up like a little broken cockroach. I mean, even little broken cockroaches deserve to lay off. Like, no, they don't. Stop it. At least stop talking. So anyway, they finally arrive in Napa and have the- Oh, wait. We forgot something funny. Okay. I'm sorry. But Heather, walking up to that plane dressed like Mrs. Peacock from Clue, that jacket was terrible, and then saying, "Oh, some of my friends haven't flown private before. Sorry. I mean, I'm sorry if you have to deal with any of that. Telling the crew. Like you know you're talking to other poor people, right? I'm sure your friends- Yeah. What are they expecting? Like these women are going to like try to like jump out of the plane like, "Oh, hey, no, it's profit." Like, I think people know how to act on a plane for the most part. Even these dumb bitches. So, you know, if they do something crazy, like, you know, flash their vagina to you because they're so excited to be on private, you know, just be okay with that. I'm sorry, you know, my friends. It's for TV. It's because I'm on a TV show. You know, the most popular pop culture, iconic- Is that a Malibu country you ever seen it? I know Reba McIntyre. I actually have a signed cease and desist from Reba McIntyre. Do you want to see it? And Lily Tomlin. Ugh. She is just wonderful. She invited me to be the other half on Great Franking Gracie. And I was like, "No, no, no, please, let, let, give it, give it to Jane Fonda. Not me. You're just so kind." Let Jane Fonda do it. I'm actually still doing aerobics. So I'm busy. Yeah. Lily, now have you flown private before? Oh, you totally showed. You have, and you have to try my method, Champ and Laws while you have a chance. And they're just like, "I'm so sorry. I'm bringing poor people on the plane. So if it starts smelling like a glade plug-in in here, it's not my fault." She's like, "Now everyone, please take your seats and be sure not to sit in the ropedop area. That's for the cake." Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Camera. I'm on a journey. I'm on a private plane. A private plane with the Lord. She's like, "Look, how can I resist Jesus? He's the only 30-year-old hot guy who will still come into me." I mean, into my heart. But still, I'm saved. I'm saved. Jesus is like, "Oh, bitch, get away from me." She's like, "Hey, Jesus, I want you to know, I know we've had some rough times in the past, but I made this charm bracelet and it has a lock and a key and we're gonna lock it and throw away the key to show. We're locking up the bat time in the past." "Hey, Jesus, welcome to my living room with 90 crucifixes. Are you feeling uncomfortable? Why is your face turning red?" Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. You have Bass Lake? Were you at Bass Lake? Ugh. Jesus. Okay, Jesus. Your friend called, your friend called me up at three in the morning and told me everything about you. I'm just saying, Jesus. I think your face. Don't even be trained with a kiss. You'd like to be trained with a boob job. She'd be like, "Hey Romans, I'm getting my boobs done and my friends aren't supporting me. Would you like to come? Jesus might be here." Jesus. I know we had a troubled past when we nailed you to a cross, but I was going through a tough time with Simon and I feel like I owe you apology. Okay. We need to make clear, not mocking Christians, mocking Tamara. Mocking Tamara. Mocking Tamara. Get down over there. Yeah. No, we are. I hear you getting all upset over there. Just calm down. Yes. Yes. Calm down, everyone. We are just mocking Tamara. When they arrive in Mappa and Heather gets her own private cards and somebody else on a bus, she seems like, "This is for people with rich husbands in mall homes and the party bus is for the poor people." Sorry. That's just how it works in this town. Yeah. Champs. Champs. Champs. She says she goes to the vineyard. What was the name of the vineyard again? Like Modell's or something like that. Modell's. The right vineyard. The right vineyard. Right vineyard. Just try her first bottle of Method Shampen Waz, where she gets insane. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. She has done saying, "Well, we can't technically call it champagne because it's not produced in the Champagne Valley of France, but it's the same method. That's what's called a Method Shampen Waz." It's called a sparkling wine. It's a sparkling wine. Just be fine with that. Yeah. Like if domain chandel is okay with calling their shit, sparkling wine, so can you with your collet. Okay. Don't call it a Method Shampen Waz. Yeah. This is called a Method Shampen Waz. Okay. We do it like the French, but it's here instead of in France. So you know, it's our way of fixing France a little bit. You know, our bottles smell like deodorant in a daily bath. You know, it makes sense really because I'm kind of a Method actor, so of course I'd have a Method Shampen Waz. Mm-hmm. It's a French wine that you're not allowed to have bread with because the French still haven't learned God bless them. I mean, have you read that book? Have French women stay thin? They don't. Okay. That's the secret. Yeah. They don't. So then, so she starts like, so she's going to have a party at this vineyard and she's trying to immediately, she's getting bossy. She's like, I want to have some more bottles of Method Shampen Waz over there and we need some more Method Shampen Waz over here. We need some Method Shampen Waz over there. Like everything. Jesus. I just love that she's so picky about the name and then she's such a bossy bitch and then tries to act so fancy because she doesn't want to call it sparkling wine, but she's still calling it Method which is a body wash. Yeah. And she's calling it up isn't working. And you're calling it Collette, okay? Yeah. She's like, I'm naming this ivory. Yeah. And she could soap at the dollar store. And one of our commenters mentioned this and I had the same thought which was, I think it's not very nice that she names the names after one of her children. So it's like on the one hand, it's like favoritism. And then on the other hand, when they're giving a speech later on, there's like, oh, Collette, our mistake. I'm like, ha, ha, ha. Like, this is like fuck. Yeah. She's like, well, we named it after Collette, you know, because, well, you know, she's probably going to be the one to drink it first. Yeah. I pushed her straight out of my vagina and into a dog crate. Look how happy she is. I'm not going to micromanage, you know? That's where I learned not to micromanage. Methage, champagne was. Methage, champagne was. Wow. Yeah. Well, I just hope that white rain, I just, I just hope that Collette's, I'm just hoping that Heather's method, champagne was does does as well as her restaurant, but ever happened to that restaurant. Remember from like two years ago, she's like, yeah, you know, me and my friends, we're just going to, you know, we're just going to have a restaurant. It'll be great. Because there's someplace that we can just all go to and we can go and we can hang out and have all the food that we want to eat because there's nowhere to eat in Orange County. I do remember that because we talked about it on the show and then I googled it after because honestly, when the show ends, I do nothing else but Google Preffo things or my own name and she was in the Orange County Register and they were interviewing her and she had gotten a lot of flack for saying that there was nowhere good in Orange County. People in Orange County were like, what about the chilies you bitch and you know, whirls can you get as much white bread as you want. They're golden corral, you dumb bitch. Yeah. People were telling. It's called soup plantation, stupid ho. It seems like, well, look, I didn't mean to offend anybody with my comments. I was just saying sometimes me and my friends want to go eat and, you know, I just thought I would be fun. She's trying to like be nice in this article and then all the comments were like, you're cut. Like every single comment was, oh, God damn it. I'm sorry. I said the C word. You're a C word. And every comment was just telling her off. And I was like, this girl is not going to last. And here she is, four years later, three years later, whatever. Yeah. Now, talking her own, her own bubbly because she loves naming an awful wine after an awful child. You know, you know what I love is that all these stupid real housewives entrepreneurs, they always come up with like some product because they think, oh, well, this is what I'm known for. Like Heather's like, well, I love, I love shampers. You know, I love shamps. I'm always talking about it. Therefore, I'm going to have my own champagne and I'm like, no, that's not really the way launching a product works. It's usually like you have to like see if there's a need for something in the marketplace. Yeah. And then you do it. Like for something doesn't being a fan of something does not mean you created. Yeah. Doesn't mean you're qualified. Like if there's a need for, let's say, a margarita that doesn't have as many calories, I think a lot of people would want that. Oh, good. Skinny girl margarita. There you go. Servicing and a thing. Do we need a method? Shampen. Was called Collette? No, probably not. No, we don't. It's like when people watch a lot of TV shows and they're like, I'm going to write a TV show. Mm. Watching TV shows does not make you a TV writer, okay? Yeah. Like being a fan of things. Yeah. I'm a writer now because I watch a lot of golden girls. No, you're not. Vicki Vicki's vodka, the bloody piggy trying to think what are some of the other ones like cuff love. Oh, good. There's so much. I like being a little liars, but I'm not going to blackmail a bunch of teenagers. Like, yeah. Come on. Yeah. It doesn't. Yeah. Exactly. So I just have to say that that's my shark tank commentary on the Memphis Shampen was known as Collette. I'm a big fan of Post-It so I'm going to start selling Post-It's called Post-It. Post-It's. I'm sort of known for my love of Post-It so I'm going to have my own brand and the Post-It could be in the shape of my face. I love France. So I'm just going to open France. I'm going to open it here in my mall house. It's called we're not going to have France, method France because I can't have the ranch. Can old France can only be created in the region of France. So if you open France elsewhere, you have to call it method France. Fixing France. Oh, that's so stupid. So they get to the White House. This big thing and Tamara's like, oh my God, it looks like the White House. There's not black people here are there. They know the word from Orange County, right? She's like, where's the chapel? I've been saved. Eddie, we're either going to the chapel or a room. I need to get on my knees ASAP. That's going on the Crapin's Quotes Twitter feed, I believe. And then Shannon and her one line of non-misery for the entire night. Everything Shannon did tonight was from a place of pure, unadulterated misery. But this one, she's trying to be positive. She's like, look, here, we are in Napa in a big, in a big, you know, house. I mean, welcome to Silverado, which is like, it's very old school and I love everything that's old school. David likes new school things like new mistresses. David is not your aesthetic, like when your husband's getting a shot and he actually introduces you to the slut he's talking to at the bar at the school, you know, how they do it. David likes old school things too. But the lowest point of my marriage was when I discovered that David had a brand new aesthetic and the new aesthetic was slut. David. David. I like old school, but not so old because, you know, if you go to world, you'll be in the depression. And those people were depressed because their husbands paid them no attention. David, David, I think we should go to old school and get some counseling. David. David. David. David. Does this school look old to you? Does it look old? I know you're not validating feelings, but you are you guys validating parking because it's expensive. David. Where are you going? David. I don't like over David. David never pays me to drive him around. David. And then they get to this hotel and it's kind of like cheap, motel, sexy. And Tamara's like, "It looks cute, bitch, please. When you saw Gretchen's house, you almost threw up on yourself. That's what this place looks like. It looks like Gretchen's house." No, that's no. Nothing can look like Gretchen's house. Gretchen's house. Gretchen's house before Ross dressed for less happened. Yeah. Gretchen's house. Gretchen's house is basically like lay away for Ross and Steinmark altogether. There's no, that's the insult to the silver. I will stand up for the Silverado. It did not look as bad. Nothing can look as bad as Gretchen's house. Nothing. You need to add way more fancy ceramic chefs around that place and Florida leaves for it to look like Gretchen's house. And then we learn that Tamara, Eddie's mad because Tamara still hasn't changed her last name. And she's like, "It's really hard because, you know, I'm Christian and his last name is Judge. And who am I to judge other? Jesus wouldn't do that. Shut up, Tamara." She's like, "Well, I always thought that Betty Rubble was the hottest. And you know, having my last name as Barney kind of makes me feel like Betty. I don't know. Stupid." So anyway, so they all get ready. And then now they're all now it's time to get ready for the party and everyone's getting ready and everyone's getting excited and everyone's waiting, everyone, everyone assembles. And there's one person missing and it's Shannon. They're like, "Where's Shannon? Where's Shannon?" And around the corner comes a golf cart. And all we hear, we see, well, it's written out on the screen, I think, because they're speaking Hushtones. It's Shannon saying to David, "You have the power with the choices that you're making right now." And I just lost it. I'm like, "I love when Shannon is so mad, she gets so livid that she speaks in like therapy phrases, you know, because she's so angry, she's just trying to channel it through the proper wording." And it's her that's breaking down. That's always so funny. She's like the shrink and the person breaking down at the same time. And David, that's why he has that fucking terrified wide-eyed look on his face every single time you see him. David. David, you have the power to make choices right now, David. When I try and cut your throat, are you going to take the knife out of my hand or are you going to throw it out? What are you going to do, David? You have the power to make these choices, David. Make a choice, David. David's like, "Oh, can we keep driving?" Yes. So they, literally David says, "Can we keep driving?" So they drive up to the women and they... I just learned because you're so agitated. Yeah. And then they keep on driving. And then everyone's like, "What?" They just throw a bite. And they're so confused, they don't even have a chance to find an angle to be mad at Shannon about. Because you know, normally they'd be like, "I can't believe she would do that." Not on the night of collect, you know, but instead they're just so confused, they're like... Tamara's like, "Are they being saved by Jesus? Did Jesus do that to them?" That move was ruder than collect ever been to us. Yeah. So then we find out that the reason why they've had this fight is because all the guys on the way to, on the way up to Napa, they went to a Japanese restaurant and David took three sake shots and Shannon can't believe it. She's like, "David never took sake shots. David doesn't want that." Oh, what's happened to David? Where's David? Hello, my name is David. Doesn't tell me enough. I need more. What's under the name tag, David? Show me what's under the name tag. He's... Shannon's like that woman in airplane who remember like when her husband orders like coffee, like with milk, and she's like, "Jim never orders coffee with milk." You know, you know what I'm talking about? No, I don't remember that movie. I saw it so long ago. Sorry. It's like... It's just like this. I'm like this little guy in the movie, like if the birds just starts off like, "Jim never orders milk with his coffee," and then like they keep coming back to her like every like 20 minutes or something, it just gets crazy, crazy like, "Someone's never ordered it anyway." David's changing. I don't even know this, David, who orders sake and sushi, sushi for crying out loud in the middle of nowhere in between Los Angeles and Napa. There's nowhere to get sushi. It's... It's a wasteland. David wouldn't eat in a sushi place against sushi shipped in. David, what's happening, David? You have 58 shandling. David. David. David. That's raw fish. Dr. Moon says you can't eat anything raw. David. David. David. David. David. I'm glad we had that talk with the kids about not getting divorced last week, but what are we telling the chandelier, David? David. David. David. Was there a chandelier at the sushi restaurant? David. David. So he's like, "Honey, you have the power." No, she's like, "You have the power to make your choices," and he's like, "But you're so agitated." He's like, "How about I just give you a kiss?" And she's like, "Oh, what are you going to do with those gridded teeth, David?" He's like, "Oh, God, please, lady, just stop it." I love, and I love how when she's telling us about it, about how she's like, "You know, sometimes David does things, and I'm trying to move forward, but I can't help it, so I have negative thoughts." And then she goes, "Some days I go negative thought free. Some days I do." Congratulations. And it's wonderful what that happens, but it's very rare, and I mean, you know, it's a favorite, David. It's a negative thought for David. Well, you know, I'm sorry. It's just, "Christian made me take some sake shots." "Oh, a Christian? Oh, that's great." Uh-oh. "New Tamara battle." Yeah. Sick of Christian trying to turn my husband into an alcoholic. Is this what you people do? That's why I hung up on you. I thought you were asking for money for Jesus. I'm not giving it here, David. So finally they like drive back again, and they join the group, and the gang takes a bus over to the party, and everyone's there drinking collet. Man. What happened with you guys? Why did you just pass bias in that golf cart? And she's like, "I had some wardrobe issues." Um, yeah, I was wearing this bikini, and then it fell off, and CBS is suing me, which I don't see how it's my fault. You know, it happened during the Super Bowl, David. David, remember when I performed the Super Bowl? David? David? She's probably just like, "Well, you know, we were about to go to the party, but I was having wardrobe issues, and I was afraid if I didn't look slutty enough, David might walk off with another woman at the end of the night, David." David. David. And Katie's just looking at her like, "Honey, I know who can help." The Lord. The Lord. The Lord. The Lord. He doesn't have wardrobe mount malfunctions, he dresses you up in faith. Put on those knees and ask Iyam was this, to fix your laugh, honey. So, listen, David has enough women around him on his knees. He doesn't need me there, too. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it, David. I'm agitated. David, I'm agitated. I can't help feeling how I feel, baby. So then they go to the party, and everyone's drinking Collette. And by the way, you can always tell which bottle is the bottle of Methid, Shimp, and Woz Collette, because it's the bottle that's like loud and unruly and is totally embarrassing to your family. The one where if you bring the bottle to synagogue, it's screaming the entire time. Anyway, but Shannon wanted a cocktail, not a Collette, and I thought this was going to kick off World War III. I thought this was going to be a whole big thing, because she went to get a cocktail instead of drinking this sparkly. But actually it did not. I was a little surprised. Yeah, me, too, because she was so agitated, it was so funny watching her walk around. Oh, I see wind with bubbles, is there a bar? Because I read on the E-Vy that there was a bar. I don't see a bar. Where's the bar? Like it's in the next room, maybe? I'm not going to the next room. She said the bar was in this room. The E-Vy says the bar is in the main room. We're in the main room. If someone is explaining to me why there's no bar in this room, if this bar is so goddamn important to you, then fine, you check the bar. But then I loved how this somehow filtered into David's fault, right? It was what happened where he said getting in trouble again, because she was like, "I'm going to the bar," and then, well, what did he say, remember what happened there? Yes, because he was just like, "Where's the bar? Where's the bar?" Where's the bar? And he was like, "Honey, we'll find the bar," and then he passed one of the other husbands who he had gotten drunk with earlier that day, and was like, "I'm in trouble again." She's like, "What? What was that? What did you say about that person? David, why did you say that? What was that? What did you say about that person? Was that a telemarketer? Did you tell them? Did you tell them my cell phone number? I'm done with you, David. I'm out of here if you did that." "David, I was having a negative thought free day." "David." He said, "I just said that I don't want to get in trouble again." She's like, "I don't even know what that means, David. What language was that, David? Are you here to do the gardening? I don't even understand what you're talking about anymore." "Who's this?" That's what she does to David every time she's mad, because, "Hey, babe, just going to see her day as..." "Who's this? I'm sorry. I'm my children in the car." "I'm not them hearing the voice of a cheater, David." "Who's this?" "Who's this?" "Who's this?" "Who's this?" "Who's this?" "I'm sorry. Who's this?" "So, meanwhile, we take a break from Shannon's craziness, which is the best kind of craziness." "Oh, wait. First, Shannon tries to be friends." "Okay, yes. Go on." Shannon tries to be friends, again, with Tamara, by giving her the hangover pill, and Tamara's like, "What is it? The morning after pill? My vagina's still worked!" "Yeah, no, it doesn't." So, she gives her this thing, and it's the hangover pill they talked about last year, and it's empty. "Someone's been drinking saki." "Oh, I'm sorry, it's empty." Shannon's like, "Oh, I'm sorry." "I thought there was a pill in there, but I forgot David and you, Nick, on account of him getting drunk on saki today." "Well, apparently, David just reaches into my purse and steals things and then put them back. Like, that girl tried to steal my charity event and put it back. I'm sick of that. I'm sick of things being put back in front of me. It was mine in the first place. I don't want your chewed-up gum." "So, anyway, back to the party, Tamara, meanwhile, is having an existential crisis because no one is noticing her new boobs." "Okay, first of all, Tamara, first you're crying in a hospital because no one came to visit you when you told them all you were getting a boob job. And now you're saying you haven't told anybody you've gotten a boob job and no one's noticing. Which is a Tamara? Because right now, you're kind of looking like a liar. And I know that you can just say sorry and be forgiven later, but that's kind of not how it's supposed to work." You dumb bitch. Yeah. I love how that over there. Yeah. Yeah. She's just apps. The fact that she like got rid of the boobs and then wants them back, I mean, she's so desperate for attention. She's so thirsty. At this point, people are so used to the boobs going up and down, they don't even remember what the proper size is at it anymore. They're just like, "Okay, whatever." It's like a thermometer. I didn't notice that your boobs are bigger. I didn't notice, however, there are sharpie markers still on them from the plastic surgeon. What is on her boobs? It looks like she's got the remnants of marker all over her boobs. Like when they draw on you and they're like, "This needs to get done and that needs to get done." Yeah. They're still arrows pointing every which way on those boobs. Well, she probably asked the doctor not to wipe them off. She's like, "I just want to keep them on until someone notices." When somebody notices that my tip is pointing at my face, that's when I'll take it off. Thanks. Now, I wanted these boobs done right. I wanted them done in Beverly Hills, but they know how to do a good boob job. But we're in Orange County, so this is method Beverly Hills boobs. Method, boob and wah. I like the method of showing her boobs to Eddie. She's like checking in the mirror and she's like, "Babe, do my boobs look good." And he's like, "Honey, you're looking more and more transgendered by the day." I know. By her next anniversary, you're going to fit into a Pornhub subcategory. Let's stay married forever. Oh, yeah. I think at this point, did they call Vicki or something like that? Because at one point, Vicki appeared back on the screen and she's like, "Well, I don't know how they're having fun without me. I mean, I'm the fun bus." What's having fun not on the fun best? I'll tell you who is. Gerald McRaney. Yeah. Gerald, they have your words. He's like, "Tamro, stop being a bitch to Brooks." Hey, everyone. You heard it there first. Hey, everyone. I got Gerald McRaney on the phone. We're having a great time at the Oscars of Insurance in Florida. This is the best time we've ever had at Kissimmee. Gerald McRaney just did the talent portion of the Oscars for insurance. He wheeled out Delta Burke, who had selected Hamster. It was amazing. I got to be part of the variety show. I played the Affleck Duck, and the Affleck Duck played me. It was hilarious. I got sawed in half, and then they sawed half a Gretchen onto me. I'm a new woman. It turns out Lance Burton was the surprise guest. Lance Burt, I've never heard of him before, but I sure love magic. He gave Brooks a whole new mouth of teeth, didn't come from me. And guess what? Here's the best part of it all. It turns out that he uses magic to get rid of Brooks' cancer, so Brooks said he doesn't have to do treatment anymore. Isn't that amazing? His real cancer went away. Now, those coffee enemas are going straight from Brooks' butt, and Peter's bro, where they belong. Peter was here, too. Peter. Everyone was here. The whole fun bus. The fun bus brings a lot of people. I'd like to thank Atlanta for buying insurance, because without it, I wouldn't be able to keep my five businesses open. They're sent the above for me. So thank you. Whoever has Claudia's insurance, please show it to me after so I can make sure I'm included in the deathpot. Okay, thanks. I'll make up with your daughters in the lobby. Yeah, it's a big star-studded affair. Even Adriana's here from Adriana's insurance. Yeah. You ever see those ads? Have you seen those ads around town? I'm not talking about it. I'm not talking about Adriana from Miami. Because all around Los Angeles, there's this lady, she's like this slutty 47-year-old woman who has something called Adriana's insurance. She's on every single bus, bus side, and every bench. There's Adriana's, and then the main winner of the evening, Accidentes, who's on the back of every bus. Accidentes? Accidentes? Accidentes? It's like, "Oh, gosh, I'm at the Accidentes' guide on delays." I said, "Why don't you come to the Oscars of the insurance industry?" We're having a big party. It's the Vanity Fair. Vanity Fair's having a party afterwards. Then he spilled the water he was about to pour into my glass on Accident, and I said, "Isn't that ironic, old cold?" By the way, I had an error. I thought it was the Vanity Fair party happening afterwards. No, it's actually dog fancy. I'm sorry. Oh, we'll get to dog fancy and marry the medicine. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Meanwhile, back to the party, Heather pulls Terry aside, and she has some bad news for him. This is a real obnoxious moment, because this is a conversation that could have been had off camera, but she intentionally decided to have it right here at the party, and she says, "So it turns out that the new cabinets are going to cost $135,000." Which is heinous. I don't know what they are made of, like, diamonds. Oh, no. Do you think that's heinous? I'm sorry. It's the truth. Well, okay. Sorry. Here's the truth. Okay. They're 135,000 over budget. Over budget. I'm sorry. They're budget over 500 grand, and it's running 635 grand. I mean, what is going into these cabinets? Is this going to be, like, Raiders of the Lost Ark technology inside? Like, if you take something out, like, a bowling ball is going to come at you? I mean, this is just, like-- It's a colette's new house, basically. She's like, "We're putting colette in the cabinets." It is insane. I don't know. I don't know what cabinets could be worth that much money. They must be made of the marble. But then the worst part is that Terry's response was, "Oh, man, I was hoping to save the overages for the movie theater." Oh, well, I guess take it out of the movie theater budget. I mean, this is just like-- He's like, "Where else will we show people your TV show appearances?" Yeah. "How else are we going to show Malibu Country on iMacs?" Honey, I built this movie theater for you, so only way you're ever appearing in one. Yeah. I know. We're going to show all your vine views. I have to call that half somewhere to go to college. Yeah. I built the cabinets. Method Hollywood days. So that was just totally, totally, totally insufferable. You know, because the thing is this. If you've earned that money, if you're wealthy, like, then more power to you, you know, buy that movie theater and get those cabinets. But the way they talked about it was so insufferable. I mean, when the revolution happens, they're going to be the ones who are locked up in the Bastille. Totally. You know. But they're also the ones that the peasants are going to kick down that gate and rip them to shreds, too, so. Yeah, absolutely. No, I mean, very, very insufferable. Very, very insufferable. Meanwhile-- Yeah, she's the worst. And she only does that stuff to get attention on TV because she thinks, you know, and your whole thing at the beginning of the season when you're like, "Look at Heather trying to be relatable," because she's like, "Look, I'm just like you regular moms, but with them all house." Yeah. You're not stopping. Like, I bought the Smithsonian, so then we go to a bathroom situation where Tamara has excused herself because she wants to-- oh, by the way, so Tamara was showing off-- again, she's showing off her boobs to everyone. We didn't even talk about this with the boob thing, is that she keeps walking up to everyone and, like, presenting her boobs and shaking her boobs. She's like, "Hi!" and shimying, and no one's paying attention. The only one who seems to notice is Lizzie, and Lizzie has, like, this sort of hilariously passive-aggressive response. She's like, "Oh, look at Tamara, someone got a boob job, but she looks like someone liked having her big tits, ha-ha-ha, but whatever makes her happy." Yeah, whatever makes her happy. You know, people are mean to people that they're jealous of, and now she's not jealous of me because she got boobs, too, so we can be friends again. Yay! Good for her. It was so passive-aggressive, I love it. But you can't really blame Tamara for walking around bragging about the boobs because, I mean, look, if you put her next to Heather, okay, budget-wise, those boobs cost as much as the mallhouse. Yeah. It's like everything she owns. Yeah. But, portionally, yeah, that's like, she's like, "Oh, I guess we'll have to take this out of the movie theater budget, boobs, and my movie theater budget." We're going to have to take this out of the Netflix budget, which is our movie theater budget. Yeah, that's what I'm going to say. Yeah, that's what I'm going to say. Guess we'll have to take this out of the Mr. Coffee budget. The DVR was turned off for a month. Oh, time Warner! Guess we'll have to take this out of the Billy Bookcase budget from Ikea. So, Tamara then has to go to the bathroom. But then Shannon and Megan sneak into the bathroom because they decide to go to the bathroom. And Shannon's funny. She's like, "Hey, man, I have three Spanx to pull up because Tamara's like knocking like crazy. Like, I've got a pee. I've got a pee. And Shannon's getting mad. She's like, "I have three Spanx to pull up. Who's this? Who's this?" I don't recognize that voice out there. They're trying to sell us something. But it sounds like a whore got into the party and was trying to get in the bathroom. Just keep the door locked. It sounds like that lady from the cover of the shoebox greetings had too much to drink and is trying to get in here. Keep the door shut. It sounds like a regular old slut is outside. Keep the door shut. Oh, wait. Open the door. I want to see if David's buying her a shot. Open the door. Open it. Okay. Close it. Close it. I think there's a zombie apocalypse. There's a slot apocalypse. And then Tamara goes into another bathroom and walks out of the toilet paper. And Shannon pulls it out and everyone's like, "Oh, look. Like Tamara's being nice and Shannon's being nice." And Megan's like, "I feel like I've really bonded with Shannon and I think that everything's okay between us." Yeah. I feel like I've really bonded with Shannon because like, you know, my husband's always buying me his things. And her husband's passed around so much that he's kind of a used thing. So we're like, we're getting along really well. Well, I love also, by the way, Shannon's version of like, extending an olive branch is being like, "Oh, you know what? Why don't we go chandelier shopping together? There's a great chandelier store like in a festival." 58 chandeliers, you know, they're like children who aren't disappointed when David doesn't come home at night. It's wonderful. I was cracking up because we talk about the chandeliers so much to the fact that she talked about that they have 58 chandeliers and she collects them and that she wants to go chandelier shopping. Yeah. I was like, "It's ridiculous." And Megan's looking at her like, "Bitch, are you kidding? I haven't eaten in five weeks. I do not want to talk about your chandeliers." And she's like, "Don't worry, Megan. Just to stay within your budget and your allowance, we can go to an antique store or use store first and we'll find an antique." Yeah, we can find a Tuscan chandelier for you. Megan? You don't need to have mint chandeliers. You know that CS spent the weekend at our house once and that's what the inspiration for her song was. Yeah. She was over here. She saw a chandelier and then David said, "See ya!" And that was the last I heard of David. I still can't listen to the radio. I said, "Yeah. Would you like some of my special mashed potatoes?" And then David ruined them and then they left off together. So I put another lemon in the bowl and hope for the best. Now I go to sleep at 9 p.m. You know, don't be ashamed of having to buy an antique chandelier, they're just as good as new chandelier. You know, I'm always telling David, "David, why do you need a new chandelier when you've got the old crusty chandelier that's possibly going to fall in your head and kill you at any moment? He just doesn't get it." David, David, wasn't the best part in movie history when in the War of the Roses they got into a chandelier? David, David, David, and then they died together. Oh, David did well. Yeah. That's probably how this is going to end. Yeah. And we shouldn't even joke because it's bravo and a lot of times it literally doesn't like that. But still. Yeah. So anyway, let's see, so the next morning they'll get together and Megan gives Tamara a toilet paper roll as a joke and I'm just the look on Shannon's face. I just can't imagine her be like, "David, why don't you get me a toilet paper roll, David? David, you always say that I'm charming, so why don't you get me some Charmin? David, do you not think I'm charming anymore, David? I'm having a negative thought. David. David, that toilet paper roll is a lot like our marriage. When it's wrapped up, it's safe, but you know, I'm just afraid it's not going to be wrapped and it's almost going to try and take it out the wrong way and there's going to be toilet paper all over the floor and you're going to be wiping smells off of you that I just don't understand. David. David. David knows not to get me toilet paper because it reminds me of his stripper mistress, Cotton Ale. David. One time, David had sex with the bathroom attendant right in front of me. I still can't use toilet paper. That's why I have three Spanx on. David, I still can't, I still can't use cold in Northern after David went up to Alaska and slept with the slot. David. David. David. David. So Megan, okay, so at the beginning of this, we see all the new girls coming because Lizzie, well, she's not new, but she didn't do a shit last year, so she's still kind of new. Lizzie, Katie, and Megan, so they've got all these new girls who at the time were going to be in the cast. These were like originally cast members at the beginning of the season, but apparently Lizzie said that she didn't want to start drama with Tamara because that's stupid and they were trying to make her do it, so she's not a real cast member. At least that's what was posted on our Facebook, y'all, and I believe our Facebook. Yeah. So that's why Tamara likes her. She's like, look, suddenly Lizzie's nice. Yeah, because she's not forced to be a bitch just for ratings unlike you. Yep, that's right. So anyway, my point is, believe it or not, there is one. My point is that this newbie, Megan, is like, oh my God, there's all these new girls. My husband hates me. I'm not going to have to move for the ninth time next month, so I need a job. So she's going to do whatever she can to get her housewives drama, and it's attacking Shannon. Oh my God, girl, I know. Well, so then the women go off to another vineyard. I forget what the vineyard was, but I wish I could remember because they took a tour in this weird vineyard and they were tasting directly from the barrel, you know? And usually that involves this sort of pseudo baster contraption, this glass baster thing. Like anyone who's been to online, like on wine tasting tour, perhaps has encountered this. How could you not even talk about that winery ban? Well, the winery was mannequins in sleck clothes hung upside down. It was like some sex club, but it's like, it's like sex club. It was weird. So this is basically, there's no accident that these women went up there because this is basically the orange county version of a winery. I've actually been to some of the vineyards down in Temecula, which is, I don't know if Temecula is technically in Orange County, but it's where people in Orange County go to go wine tasting. And the vineyards were so tacky. There is one that had like gargoyles. It was like designed to look like a castle had gargoyles and goblins, and it was just in like crystal balls and weird pedestals. Oh, gosh. So I was like, so of course they would end up at this one. It was like one of those stores on Hollywood Boulevard, like a Fredericks for Hollywood type place with like just slut, like cheap poor person slut, not even like rich person, like poor slut mannequins hanging upside down. And you know, Heather walked in there and she was like, Terry, isn't it perfect? We're brewing collet in probably a place that'll look like her first job. Yeah. This is amazing. Well, no, this is a different, this is a different vineyard though. This was not the one where a collet was being, was being fermented, but, um, oh, okay. This is a different place. A regular French one. They were just, no, they were just on a tour. They just went to a different vineyard for fun. Oh, okay. Okay. So then, well, while they're at this tacky S vineyard, so the guy is, he's, he's, he's the only out. He's letting everyone taste from the barrel. So it uses this baster thing to like collect the wine from the barrel and he pours into people's glasses. And Tamara's like, I want to taste directly from the, I want to taste directly from the baster. I want to say directly from it. So she goes, so I thought, okay, well, this is really stupid, but sure. Okay. And I figured that they were just going to like spritz it into her mouth. But no, she goes and she puts her lips full on into this baster and then he goes and he puts the baster back in the barrel and gives her more and then he, and he also gives it to like Megan. And I'm like, and they kept, they were making jokes like, Oh, that barrel is contaminated. I'm like, you're joking, but it's for real. Like, I know alcohol kills things, but there ain't nothing that from Tamara, that alcohol can kill like, like just burn that barrel, throw it into the seat. No shit. Uh, Heather's like, Terry, look, Collette's already giving people herpes. It's like 10 years earlier than we expected. Amazing. Well, they're the ones talking about how awful Collette is the way they make her sound. She's like some vindictive, mean little slut. And she's like four and they're like, uh, she's Satan. Yeah. Oh, by the way, she's, she's the daughter, you know, is going to grow up to be an alcoholic stripper. And that's it. After her and happen fermented in a strip club, by the way, um, it's Raymond wine, Raymond wine. You better. Oh, you better be careful about what you say about Colette because Shannon, uh, is demanding an apology. I'm not Shannon, uh, Heather is demanding an apology from star magazine because star magazine said that, uh, that Heather took one of her daughters to go get her legs waxed. So Heather's going to come after us. I'll tell you, be careful. Why is she coming after them in Orange County that's called good parenting? I know. That's called about Mitzvah. It hurts a lot less than beat in the long run. Trust me. I've had Lebanese newborns around me my whole life. Yeah. You can't just, you can't just put acid on their backs and wait for the hair to come off. Okay. It'll burn their skin. Get them waxed. Yeah. They heal. So then later on that night, um, there's a party for Heather and, uh, they're there and everything's going. It's fine. It's a retail party and Megan now that she's spent some time with Shannon and it seems like they buried the hatchet about the whole issue with the shots with David from last year and everything. They seem like they're bonded. They've peed together. Megan decides that she wants to clear the air about the charity phone call at the top of the episode. So she sits down Shannon and she's like, so we talked about the shots from last year and we've clear the air about that. Oh my God. I'm like her. Okay. So that was okay. Right. We, we agree that that was in the past. So he hasn't, and she was like, yes, there we go. So then she's like, okay. So the next thing I wanted to talk about was the other day when I, when I last week when I called you about a charity that you, you had hosted last week and I'm hosting, I mean last year and I'm hosting this year and, um, you were short with me and, uh, I felt a offended. And then it just cuts to commercial. So you know, like, oh shit. Watch the slow break down and Shannon, Shannon had that look like, if you want to know what the look is, go to our Facebook page and look at, I think probably the second Sombrero photo of Shannon on our timeline photo. I think that's the, Shannon has three looks and I think it's Sombrero number two was the look that she had. Right. So it is definitely Sombrero number two. I think that's how we have to just subscribe, Shannon from now on is on the Sombrero scale. Like is it Sombrero? Yeah. Yeah. Is that, yeah, I'm looking at it. Sombrero number two, for sure. For sure. For sure. And Shannon's like, well, I mean, I didn't even know who you were. I thought you were someone call. I don't know anyone in Missouri. I mean, it was a Missouri number and someone's calling me in the car and they're asking me these questions. I never tried to sell me something. I had children. Children were in my car. You're calling me when I've got children in my car and Megan's like, okay, it's like, I know, but like, you know, it's a charity. I thought like, I was calling asking for help. I was asking for help for charity for charity and then she says, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? My private number. And then she and Megan's like, well, congratulations. You know, I like how Shannon started that argument off because this girl's like, I'm offended. I'm offended because, you know, you just dismissed me and she's like, Oh, well, I was offended too. She goes, why? You know, I have this girl calling me, you're offended that somebody called you and somebody has been giving away my private number. Yeah. Someone's been giving a, I mean, I actually can understand that. That's what I would be annoyed at with. If I were Shannon because, you know, the fact that no one cleared it with me first, like, I get that. But, um, and it was mega and stupid. Like that's not how you start it. You don't start by saying I was offended. You start by saying you called and I was looking for help and you were a little short with me and, um, I want to make sure everything was cool because you were short with me. Like that's how you do it. Not like I was offended and, uh, so I love it. So then, you know, but, but so Megan keeps saying, you know, look, but yeah, like, but I was asking for your help and I thought, wouldn't you want to help the charity that you hosted? So then, so then she ends just like, you know what? I'm done here. I'm done here. And she gets up and then. Really. Shannon. Really. And then she turns and then she does Shannon turns and she says something that makes no sense. She goes, I start charities, Megan. She starts off. I don't like you making it out to be that I'm some unterritable person. Okay. I start charities. Yeah. All right. Right now I own a penis factory. This is apparently spreading penises all over Orange County. Thank you, David. So we're getting a tax break for that, at least. Don't mess with me, kid. We are going to put a chandelier in every impoverished child's home. This episode is sponsored by DoorDash. We're back to tell you more about the latest dash pass annual plan benefit stream max with ads included at no extra cost. You know what's a great night for us ordering DoorDash and cuddling up to watch the max original hacks, which won best comedy, deservedly so. And we love tuning in to see not only icon Gene Smart, but the wonderful and incomparable Rose Abdu, who also is a huge Bravo fan. Listen, I'm always in the mood for hacks, but you never know what kind of food I'm in the mood for. Sometimes it's pizza. Sometimes it's a salad and I can get both with DoorDash. How about some ice cream? That's what I like to eat with my hacks. A hundred percent. I will double dash. I will get a salad and then double dash some ice cream. 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It's going to mess call me uncharitable every year I give to comic relief every year. So I think that was pretty much the way it ended with Shannon. Oh, that's still got pages of notes here. Let me see Shannon and David you're going the wrong way. David even thought we got David, David, a lot of David, David, David, David, David, it's just sometimes I have these bad thoughts. I don't want to have them, David, but I do, I'm sick of what I just want to be honest. You know, I used to be afraid of David, and you know, or not say anything because he doesn't like to talk about things. But then at that home down he pulled out $800 cigarette or $800 sunglasses. He was ordering tequila. He doesn't drink. And I thought, who was this? I'm not hiding my feelings around this, David, David, David, David, I'm sick of walking on eggshells. Then stop throwing eggs. Okay. So when there's eggshells everywhere, Shannon, that girl needs to calm the hell down. I'm looking Megan Katie uncomfortable at the vineyard, she's like, this is not how Jesus drank wine. I guess we've talked about all of this. Heather tapping, Shannon loves chandeliers. That's it. She's a ton. Oh, Megan's Megan's amazing grasp on English takes over again for the end. She's a time bomb. I can't predict her. I'm predicting a time bomb because she's got a turban on. All right. I'm trying to figure out the future and all I see are vintage Tuscan items. Nope. Can't see the time bomb. Can't predict it. You know you're a dumb bitch. If you can't predict the time bomb, they have timers on them. Jesus. She's like, I put something in the microwave, but I don't know when it's going to be ready. There's a timer on it. She's a landmine with a timer on it. Next week we get to see Brooks making Peter's brew in Mexico when he learns to give himself four coffee in them as a day. Go flush the cancer right on out. And then it's war. I start charities David, David, and then Megan really pulls out the bitch and just starts being a bitch to everybody. I mean episode four, you know, David, she's just let it bloom. Yeah. No, it's great. David, I saw our charity SPCA Shannon's prevention of cruelty to animals. David. I've started to charity. You know, when people wear those pink ribbons around, well, that is called the stop fucking my husband charity. And everybody who gives money, everybody who wears a ribbon has promised to not sleep with my husband. So thank you people with pink ribbons. I started a charity called autism cares. And if that stands for autism cares more than David does, David, David, David, I doesn't care about me. What about you? Why can't you? Speaking of horrible illnesses that David cares about more than Shannon, let's move on to the horrible illness that is season three of married to medicine. Oh, yeah, season three married to medicine. All right. Well, I will say this next week looks like it'll be good at the very least. Uh, what they say for next week, what's happening then? Um, Lee's Nicole and Quad get into a fight and Lee's Nicole says, what about your lesbian relationship and throws water in Quad's face? Oh, yeah. And then Quad's like, your career's over, you're not toast. The Korea is ready to be a budding piece of toast. Yeah, I don't eat it or you'll dive a heart attack poor, poor Lee's Nicole's career shall have no one to tell to turn the hangers around. Yeah. No kidding. She's like, you think Ross dress for less is going to sell from someone who calls someone else a lesbian? Uh, Ross dress for less will take a bargain no matter where it comes from. Yeah. Okay. So, um, anyway, so the top of this, let's see, it opens like it's scandal. Okay. This show, it's, it uses that stupid, like, I'm sorry to call it stupid. I'm calling it stupid because scandal makes me crazy with this. They take old R&B songs from like the 50s, like old Motown songs and they use it for everything because the lead is black. So just so, just so we all get it, this was done, you know, the lead is black, so all the music is from Motown. It's like, really? Come on. You need to beat me over the head. I get it. I see that she's black. Can we move on? Stupid. Anyway, that's how this show opens. It's like some Motown song and it's really intense too. And they're showing them doing their, like, we're getting ready in the morning. They're doing nothing. No one is doing anything. Yeah. What I should did, what I should did was brush my teeth for us in the morning. That's what should happen. Yeah. It's like no scandal. Yeah. Toya. Yeah. I went over budget. I'll buy, I'll buy toothpaste. Would you go be bad scandal? Stop trying to be scandal. Okay. I don't actually watch scandals. So I don't have any context on it, but I just watch one episode. It's seriously every scene. Every time something intense happens, it's like, oh no, she's going up to the president's White House Oval Office to tell them off for cheating on her. And then, yeah, because that's what that shows about. So she marches up to the presidential office and you think, like in your head, the music's like, dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun. Then instead, it's like, I heard it through the grapevine. What is happening? It's like ironic use of music. Yeah, it's like someone's about to be tortured and killed and the music's like, baby, baby, baby. Where did I love go David? I had to take a swig of my iced coffee for that. I'm talking so much that it's making your throat dry. David. David. David. You don't, since when did you drink coffee? David. Okay. So, all right. So here's the thing. I don't remember the order of things that happen in marriage medicine. I just sort of remember the general things. I feel like also in the beginning, we saw a Lauren and Heavenly hanging out and then Lauren was drawing. Yeah, that was the first one as a Laura and Heavenly and Heavenly, it's like, a lot just left me. I'm dancing. How you gonna sing for me, Lauren? You gotta be gotta be a public speaker first. Yeah. She's like, what do you want to be? A fire truck driver? And Laura's like. No, a singer. She's like, you know what you gotta know? You gotta be a public speaker. You're gonna have to be a public speaker, baby. She's like, mom, oh, no, mom. Laura's like, no, now we're talking about you. It's called narcissism. You're taking a selfie right now. She's like, no, being a singer is speaking important, but what about when you win an insurance or Oscar? Come on, baby. Aren't you proud that I got in the cover of hers magazine? It's like a picture in this, this poor magazine, like all the covers are basically pictures that were taken with an iPhone and they're oddly cropped. It was like, it's like the most homemade magazine of all. Oh, yeah, because Heavenly was the first person on the cover of hers magazine. Yeah, congratulations on launching a magazine in the air in the digital era. I'll look for that on next. That's exactly what I was gonna say. Look for a horizontal next issue and you won't find it. It's like the last page of next issue. It reminds me of like the little magazines and newspapers I'd print out when I was in sixth grade because I would like, I had Claris works and I had like a little graphic design thing. So I would like make little articles about like, big news, mom had just bought a sewing machine. You know, like, I've always had lines from around the house and I'd like take clip art and like print it out and have like a little newspaper. That's what hers magazine is. Our mothers are so different. My newspaper would have been, my mom got a new sewing machine. Her name is Romana and she has her own room right next to the washing machine. Wait a second, are there like, wait, I'm just, I just did a search for hers magazine. And oh wait, I'm sorry, there's muscle and fitness hers. That's what's coming up. Not actual hers magazine. What do they even have a website? Please tell me they, please tell me they have a website. They have to. I mean, at the time of filming, they had four covers, right? Here it is. Her's magazine. It belongs to you. All right. Here's on it. The website's good. Actually, I'll give a credit. The website is very good. They should stick with the website because the website looks great. At least it's better than Geneva, pop, whatever. Yeah. Jamie. The site. Will and Jada, the end. By the way, whatever happened. Why was there no blood, sweat, and heels reunion, BT Dubs? I think they're all in lawsuits. I don't think they're allowed to talk. Andy would have been like, okay, we're going to talk about Rocky the hairless gerbil or whatever. Is everyone else assuing each other? Rocky. So, hers magazine. It's like Rocky, whose boobs are better? Lisa Rinna, Sir Kyle Richards. Spin the wheel, Rocky. By the way, hers magazine website looks really great to be honest. Totally great. But if you click on the shop tab, I guess if you want to buy the magazine, it's an empty page. Her fitness. I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Zoe Saldana. I don't see any married to medicine people on here. No. Well, what's hilarious about hers magazine is that all their covers, at least the ones that I can see, they don't know how to crop them. So it says hers up top and then there's about like three inches of space over the cover person. Yeah. Wordpress is hard, you guys. I do like this logo that they have down below. It could be a Bravo logo. Fund her projects. Fund Bravo. It's basically what Bravo is for. It's like giving women who have never done anything in their lives a chance to sell wine someplace. Yeah. All right. So anyway, so heavenly... I'm the first person on her birthday. I was on. This is the second magazine in total if you include highlights. I just pasted my picture on that one to put in a lobby. I gave an exclusive to three, two, one contact magazine. Heavenly is the first person on the cover of hers magazine and Lisa Nicole is the fourth. Heavenly is really hilarious this season when she's talking about the other women because last season she was trying to be so nice and this season she's like, "Who this bitch?" Yeah. It's like, "Sorry, Lisa Nicole, you were number four. You're number four, man. That was magazine." So funny. So she's going to go to hers magazine and Alana's like, "This has nothing to do with me being a singer. I'm going to take a bath." And she's like, "That kid will never learn." I'm still looking at Real Housewives of Orange County notes on my computer and wondering why I keep getting pulled back into Orange County. We're not talking about that now. Let me remove that, David. David, David. So after Alora, let's see what we have here. Martin, no, I just put no Latin show. Oh, we met. So I don't know. So I didn't write notes. I'm probably going to be bouncing back and forth unless do you have notes on this? Well, here. I'll just give you a rundown. You steer. Okay, I'll steer. You just steer. But you know, I'll start talking about a potted plant for an hour, but... That's okay. We only had a little scene of Quad. I don't know if she met the PI at this point. I think I was high because these notes don't make sense. But anyway, at some point, Quad was saying, "Now listen here, I did not call Matlock the private investigator just to get revenge. I believed that when you are given a glass of water, the narcissist thing to do is fill up a glass of water and give it right back." I'm like, "You make no sense. Nothing Quad says makes any kind of sense." And then she drives up in her rental, and her private eye drives up in his rental, and then they roll down their windows with their hats, and she's like, "The bird lands on the matinee noon." And she's like, "That bird pooped off the balcony." And she's like, "What? Oh, give it to me. I love some juicy news." She's like, "At Applebee's, when you hear your family, this news is lacking. Awesome blossom. You keep ripping it off, and every piece tastes like an onion." By the way, I think I did the Olive Garden slogan with Applebee's. So I apologize to all you fast casual fans out there. We're apologizing right now to Christians and fans of Applebee's. I want to apologize to Katie from Real Housewives of Orange County for mixing up two of her favorite restaurants. I thought Jesus and the Monte Cristo. So she gets the news about Lisa Nicole, but of course we're not going to know until some other week when they have the whole episode to yell. Yeah. And she tells us, "Not the empowered woman. This isn't just scandal. This is filthy." And it's like sick one. Well, I just love that they met with two cars in the parking lot as if they were on the run from the government. You guys can just speak to each other on the phone. You realize your phones are not tapped by Lisa Nicole, or you could probably just send this up in an email, scan it in or something. You don't have to meet in an RB's parking lot unless, of course, you want the horses us. Yeah. And their cameras, yeah. It's like a camera crew. Yeah. Yeah. But they... What was I going to say? Oh, damn it. I had a mystery joke, and it's gone now. Sorry, Jessica Fletcher. You're still in my heart. Anyway, Jackie and Simone is the next scene when Simone comes over. And I love every Jackie and Simone scene because they're always talking about some fake doctor bullshit to open their scene, to remind us that they're better than everybody else because they're doctors. Yeah. And she's like, "Hey girl, what you doing?" And Jackie's like, "Well, actually, I just got back from a very difficult day of an appendectomitis with a transphylsian and a transphylsian on the heart and the foot." And Simone's like, "Really? A transphylsian?" And she's like, "No, it's transfusion." I'm like, "Come on, stop pretending and just talk about Toya because that's why you're here." Yeah. Oh, and by the way, I just found... I did write notes. I found some notes. You did? And we forgot both getting hired during this show. Yeah. And we forgot to mention that Toya wants to help out with Nomad because it's not making any money on socials wants to help out a little gene. Oh, yeah. That's later. The new friend Jill. Oh, yeah. Jill. Okay. So they got... She gets a new friend, Jill. But while we're still in this Jackie and Simone scene, Simone starts screaming again because all Simone is going to do now is yell whenever she gets like even talking about Toya. She's like, "We were at Choco. We were supposed to be concentrating on golfing and she made me do this to myself." And I ordered French fries. I cannot order French fries in front of that woman in front of a golf club. I cannot do that. Cecil, get me out of here. And then she's losing her mind and Jackie, who has no friends or interpersonal skills, which no offense, I'm just saying from what I see on the show, is like, "Let me tell you how to deal with it. You go up to her and you say, 'Toya, I know that your personality is terrible, but it's because you're fat. Now let's regulate those calories, girl. And then she'll hug you and then you'll have saved a life and everything will be okay." Yeah. That is not good advice. But Jackie is more like, "Oh, maybe the reason why you got mad is because your dad's in alcohol. Like, and Toya reminded you of that." Yes. So that's someone's like, "My father is an alcoholic." It's like everything. It has to be, you know? I think she was like... And done in church voice. She was like, "So basically, you've had your walls up and you wanted to become friends with Toya and she didn't give you the friendship that you wanted, so you got mad." And then Simone just starts crying, but I think at that point she's crying because she realized, "Oh fuck, I wanted to be friends with Toya, that bitch, oh god, I am sad for myself." What I should have did was be friends with Jackie instead. It's like, "I was that desperate." "Well, my father!" But yeah, it became her dad's in alcoholic and it was, I mean, I guess kind of sad, but I don't know. Anything that is used in a reality show to make people nice to you and get on Twitter after you've yelled at somebody stupid, like I can't. Yeah. Sorry. I'm sorry your dad was an alcoholic, you're still an asshole, even though Toya deserved it. Doesn't excuse it. Oh wait. Yeah, she's crying. I don't know. I just, I have trouble seeing what one thing has to do with another, you know? 'Cause then it's 'cause to Simone and she's like, "My father was an alcoholic and I try and then Toya, who's not an alcoholic, or has anything, or ever worked today." It's like, what does one thing have to do with another, okay? I know. By the way, I want to point out that I actually did it by really cheap booze for parties. That's it. So guess what? I did not actually take notes. I thought I took notes, but these are my notes from last week and it just goes to show how little anything happens, that the notes from last week look exactly like what would be the notes in the first. These are my notes. These are my notes. Let me tell you. Simone yelling and Thanksgiving calorie advice. No, this is literally what I have written down. Toya wants to help with Nomad. Alora is cute. Quad meeting, private investigator, fedora on fedora action. Dr. Jackie Fat-Shaming. That was pretty much it. Okay. So anyway, so I'm going to put those notes away, and I'm going to let you steer again. Not that I wasn't. No, Jackie was just gave her nice advice and said, "You need to stop caring this weight." And I was like, "No, stop making care of everything about your fucking diet plan." And fit is it, has she heard of a Fitbit? That's very easily confused, if you say it really fast. Yeah, Fit is it. It's like Fitbit with the stutter. It doesn't take responsibility. You're carrying the weight like Eugene. Yeah. You're carrying so much weight, you're carrying more weight than Eugene cares when he goes to the beach and cares along his birthday suit. When the little Jean I have came to the beach, hey, there's a lot of weight. It's genetics, baby. No, no, because all your family's thin, all your family's on your dad, your mom, your sister, your dog, your dog's skinny. It's like baldness can skip a generation, just like fat. She's like, "You don't skip, Eugene!" You don't even know how to skip it. I told you to skip a rock, and you were like, "There's no lake here." I was like, "You can skip a rock on the ground," and I was just like, "No, Eugene." I saw Cuz I'll do it once. Cuz I should have did. What I should have did was take an ambulance. What I should have did. Ambulance. Ambulance. Ambulance. So, Toria goes to talk to her friend, Jill, who seems like an asshole right off the bat. Can't wait. She just needs something. Yeah. It's about time that we had another annoying white bitch on the show, although it's nothing carries the best. Duncan. Duncan. Duncan. I have personally... I'm dressed like an idiot. He's into your black person party. Duncan, I have personally struggled with ambulances for the past 20 years of my life. Duncan doesn't think ambulances are classy, so we're not going to talk about your new business. Yeah. I think that no mods are all freaking fools. No mods. Um, so we meet Jill and Toria is getting advice about joining Eugene's ambulance business, and she's like, "Look, I want to do it because, like, it's an ambulance. I could do like four hours a day. I want to drive the people's house and then go, "Oh my God, how many square feet is your house?" And then they tell me and I say, "My five thousand." I'm not gonna feel bad. Here's what I want to do. Okay. We're gonna save money by getting rid of the siren, and I'll just get on as loud as being "Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, gross. She's like, you're not going to be able to handle four hours a day. And Troy is like, well, baby, three. She's like, I don't think so. Listen, my husband's a plastic surgeon and I have to go into the plastic surgeon's office and like boss everybody around. You do not want to be the bitch wife. And it made me start laughing because we talk about that every Thursday on secrets and wives because there is a doctor's bitch wife. Yeah. Well, the Jill said, what's funny because Jill said something that Gail also said and other people say, which is like, well, it's hard. I always have to look my best because I'm sort of like a walking billboard for my husband. I'm like, that's so fucked up. Like, since when do you have to be a walking billboard for your husband's work? No, you don't have to be a walking billboard at all. You just be you. And the fact that you feel like you have to get plastic surgery to be with your husband is really messed up. Yeah. She's like, I mean, you can see me all over the town. I'm on those billboards, uh, Toy Story, Jurassic Park. You know kind of billboard. Mr. Potato Head is back. It's like, yeah, billboard over the whole foods. Get out of here. Yeah. I had a dual role on Freddie versus Jason. So yeah, she's like a shallow, she's a shallow bitch. But I sort of like that she's like, I don't know, something different. Just a white bitch. You know, white, you know, white bitches bring a whole different sort of style of bitchiness, you know. So sometimes it's nice to mix it up a little bit. Well, I'm just, you know, I'm waiting for the realization of these women that they can actually like that they're capable of having a job. You know, I'm wondering if they think they're too stupid to work. It's like, just go out in the world. Most people are stupid. You'll, it'll be okay. You can work. You can do this. You don't have to suck an only ugly ass dick to make your money, girl. Have some self respect women. Come on, feminism. Let's get back into it. You're not till this shows over though, please. Yes. We need something to talk about. Yeah. Yeah. So then let's talk about all the empowered women doing positive things in the world. Click. Like Lisa Nicole telling people, I want all the hangers to face the same direction. I'm a empowered woman. So yeah. So Lisa Nicole, well, now I have, uh, Toya wants to be a mom of their dreams. I don't even know why I wrote that down. It doesn't need to be written down, except the mom of your dreams basically gives them like a whole masturbation palace and just let some do whatever they want. She thinks she is the, she thinks she is like the best mom out there. She's like, well, I think she wanted an award. Oh, that's what it was. She's like, I'm not on the cover of his magazine. Like I should be, I'm like mother of the year. I should have an award. Oh, yeah. Where's parent magazine? I should be a parent, I'll become a parent's magazine. I should be on the cover of everything on next issue.com. The cover of parents magazine. What I should have did. What I should have did magazine. Um, blah, blah, blah, sin and hubby's lies about something apologizing about rage last pop off before I leave you. Oh, cause this is when Simone's talking to her husband and she's like, I just wanted to talk about it. And he's like, you think? Yeah. She like, well, sometimes I pop off and he's like, yeah, that's the last time you pop off or I leave you and then they're laughing and laughing. He's going to leave you. Yeah. I'm like, yeah, laugh all you want right now. We'll be sewing that laughter in a future episode. Yeah, that's that's a marriage that's going down the drain. Um, then dropping for, oh, Lisa Nicole shopping for her own clothes. It's amazing when you can shop for clothes for the red carpet in your own store. This anger is facing the wrong way. I love that. By the way, they were talking about Lisa Nicole. They're like, wow, whatever happened like last last year, Lisa Nicole was so demure and so quiet. And now she's like coming at everyone. And like, yeah, that's what's called being threatened to be fired from a TV show. Yep. Not like it came out of her, but naturally, pretty much. And she's there looking for clothes talking to her and assistant like, this is my assistant Jessica. She was pulled over for speeding once and given a drunk driving test, but passed. She's also late on her JCPenney bill. Okay, I think I'll wear the red. Check on everybody that she meets. Um, the reason I got implants, hers, Magga's, I don't even know what I'm writing. Walking billboard, Toya, I should have been on parents magazine, Toya talks. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Did anything else happen in here? Because my notes read the point. Yeah, because well, because then they went to the hers magazine party. So they're there and Simone comes by and she even says hi to Toya. And she's like, hi, Toya, hi Jill. And then she walks away. And then, um, it was all confused. She's like, I'm confused today. I thought she was going to yell at me. But she did it. So I'm going to just sit here then. Yeah, well, Eugene, Eugene. So then they, the women start talking about like, I guess, I guess then the guys are going to strip club afterwards or whatever. And some were saying like, but they don't mind going to strip club with their husband. And then, Lisa and Toya are going to go to this strip club. Yeah. And then, and then, and then, Lisa and Nicole is like, I don't, I wouldn't want to go to a strip club with my husband. And I wouldn't want to see my husband watching other women. And then Troy's like, well, I wouldn't want to see a level of a two. But, um, I would want my husband to look at other women either, if he was yours, but who looked at other women, also, Eugene's really genetically fat. And so, it takes a lot to get his penis out of the pouch. So I don't really worry that much, because he doesn't have enough money to pay him anyway. I spent it on the Halloween party. So, um, it's like, would you like some sausage and a take home bag? Because I can tip you that. I understand when they say they're going to motorboat Eugene's boobs. I don't understand, because there's no, it's not a harbor. It's a strip club. So, um, uh, I want the boat now. You, Eugene, I'm getting a boat. I can't drive it around the neighborhood and see if people need help. Oh, it'll be, uh, it'll be a water ambulance. So, um, where are the wheels on this boat? Eugene. Hell, Jean, put the cell up. We're going to go on the highway. How, how did, how did Noah drive all those animals around when the earth was flooding? I can only fit like three animals in my boat. But in the backseat of my boat, it's my range of a boat. So, uh, we know things are going bad with these two, because Toria is already saying, I mean, look at her dress. These are the cold. That looks like a, you did dressed for the diabetes. Yeah. Yeah, that was exactly. I was like, oh, things are definitely going bad. But what was funny to me was that, um, Heavenly's husband was saying about the strip club, he said, well, you know, what's good about the strip club is that it gets us riled up and then we come home to have sex with you guys. And yeah, which is like, yeah, right. And even, I think Simone was, Simone was the only one who sort of called bullshit, was like, no, when Cecil goes back from the strip club, he's not getting riled up for some other woman. They want to come have sex with me. Uh-uh. But, um, but what I loved is afterwards, the guys were all talking and they're like, and so Heavenly's husband's like, well, this is what I said. And they're all like, yeah, exactly right. I mean, like, because, you know, I mean, where do you go after? Like, I mean, that's what you do. You go to the strip club and then you go home, right? That's what you do. And they're like, and then Simone's, Cecil was like, yeah. And then Heavenly's husband was like, yeah. And then Lisa Nicole's husband was like, not even faking it for the TV. Yeah. He's like, no, I go bone the strippers, right? That's what you're talking about. And then meanwhile, back with the women, Toria is like, you know, stripping is not gross. Okay. It's odd. There's like acrobats. They do things. It's like artistic. It's like Cirque du Soleil, but like with vaginas and then you get the buddy. Did you know that like the very first go-go dancer was Vincent Van Gogh? That's what they called go-go dancers. Yeah, people get static behind Vincent Van Gogh. He used to paint without a shirt on. And they would go, go, Vincent, go, Vincent. That's why they call it go-go. Because it's odd, you know. That's also why they paint their faces too much. Nobody will appreciate them until they're dead. Like two artists, you know, that's why there's a strip club called Mona Lisa's because it's like, oh, because it's odd, like Mona Lisa, you know? See, I'm a rhino. I appreciate art. So I don't tip the strippers until after they're dead. That's what they're really worth something. Yeah, I like to go to the louvera and I like to throw money at the paintings and go, yeah, take it off. Take it off. Venus and Milo, big stripper. Um, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Okay, we're still all stripping for the rest of this episode until it happens here. How does this end? I mean, this show's really killing me and I know not good way. I normally like this show. What the hell? Yeah, it's just a little, I mean, I thought the episode was okay, but it's a little, nothing really real. I mean, the big drama is that Simone is still annoyed at Toyo over their bullshit fight from last season. It's not, it's not a strong step. Quad is getting background checks on Lisa Nicole. This is not the stuff that's like, these are like producer, like producer created or producer inspired fights. You know, it doesn't, there's nothing real going on. We don't care. But that being said, I'm really looking forward to the fight next week. Me too. Yeah, the best part was next week's in each other's face about to beat each other up. I'm talking about that lesbian relationship, bitch. Yeah, I'm excited for that. Well, the equal has landed on a person, Eston. All right. We're still live by Quad. Thank you. Thanks for joining us. Thanks, Quad. Um, then wrap it up, darling, wrap it up like a condom, darling, darling. All right. Like the condiment is strip club, darling. None of these husbands would ever use. Yes. Um, so thank you everyone for listening. Um, come support us on patreon.com forward slash watch more crap and you get access to things like a bonus episode, which will be up later this week. We're delaying it a few days. So that way we can cover the premier episode of Big Brother in it. So that should be up on Thursday this week. Um, and uh, Facebook page, Facebook.com forward slash watch more crap and tons of gossip and fun things on that. Thank you all for, for listening. Watch your crappins.com is where you can go to find our social media links. If you want to follow us on Instagram, Twitter, Vine, Periscope, et cetera. Um, and that's it. Also, you know what? 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The folks behind the sideshow network have launched a new YouTube channel called wait for it. It's got interviews with comedians like Reggie Watts, Todd Glass, Liza Schleisinger, slicing, driving friends with it for 10 years. One of the funniest people out there, and I still have a hard time with the last name Liza, our very own Owen Benjamin. That's me. Takes you on a musical journey down internet rabbit holes and much more. You don't have to wait any longer. Just go to youtube.com/waitforaccomity. There's no need to wait for it anymore because it's here and it's funny. And I love you. To the insurance company that's burned me, our time together has come to an end. It's not me, it's you. We both know what I'm talking about. 15 minutes ago, I began courting Geico. It was just the easiest thing I've done since buttering my biscuit at breakfast. Not only have I saved hundreds of dollars on my car insurance, but also the future tiers you were sure to impose. My heart and my coverage now belong to Geico. Sincerely, not yours, Tara in Telluride. Geico, 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance. If you like Watch what Crap-ins, you can listen ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery App or on Apple Podcasts. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey at Wondery.com/survey. I'm Lindsey Graham, host of Wondery Show American Scandal. We bring to life some of the biggest controversies in US history, presidential lies, environmental disasters, corporate fraud. In our latest series, entrepreneur Lou Perlman becomes the mastermind behind two of the biggest pop groups in the world, the Backstreet Boys, and in sync. He also oversees a sprawling business empire that includes a charter jet company, restaurants, and real estate. But Perlman's successful facade crumbles after he's sued by the boy bands for siphoning millions from them. And soon, investigators discover that Perlman is keeping his empire afloat through an even more devious scheme. Follow American Scandal on the Wondery App or wherever you get your podcasts. Experience all episodes ad-free and be the first to binge the newest seasons only on Wondery Plus. You can join Wondery Plus in the Wondery App, Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Start your free trial today.
