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Prescription required restrictions apply. Y'all know I love me some people magazine. I love it. Where else are you gonna find a magazine on the cover? It says kayak murder mystery. I mean a kayak murder mystery. We're gonna find that. Tell me. I love me some people. There's a 22 sized model on there. Size 22, supermodel, test holiday, love it, diets off, Emma Watson face. I love what you're doing for the world, test holiday. If you guys want to read this, you need to check out Next Issue Magazine. All right? Next issue is like Netflix for magazines, only better because you have access to the latest issues. You're not just waiting around. Next issue is the new newsstand. Next issue.com has all the best, most up-to-date magazines on the newsstand, but delivered to your phone or tablet. Check it out. Go to next issue.com/crapins for your free trial. It's like a buffet of magazines. And of course, they're mentioning buffets while I'm talking about going off my diet because of this new model. All right? Binge read. Get it. All of your favorite magazines in one place. Over 150 magazines from people in US weekly to shape, self food and wine and many more. Actually, it's us weekly, not US. Sorry. That would be a way more boring magazine, I guess. So, come on. Check it out. Go to next tissue.com/crapins for your free trial. That's a $15 savings. It's a great deal and it's only available if you go to next tissue.com/crapins. You know, join the revolution, y'all. Both the magazine revolution and the let's all break our diets and just become supermodels. I'm down. Hey everybody. Welcome to the Watch a Crapins podcast. The podcast about all that crap we love to talk about on Bravo. I'm Monte Karen from Trash Talk TV and with me today is the lovely, gorgeous, talented, handsome, muscular, thin, Ben Manticore of the B-side blog in Banta Blender. Hello, Ben. Hi, Ronnie. You were so complimentary. I just wish, I just wish I were muscular, but I'm just spindly. You look like it from far away, darling. I mean, I haven't seen that your clothes on, but I'll just be sure to stay 50 yards away from everyone at all times. You look great over a microphone. You look great in real life. You look great over a game of Catan, Ben. Oh, I love me some Catan. So thanks to everybody who's been listening to this and sponsoring us on patreon.com/watchrockcrapins. You can get our bonus episodes there and this next month when we do our live Google Hangout, we've found some software that'll allow people to watch and type. So if you can't get in, because those are actually getting really crowded and people couldn't get in the past couple of times. So even if you can't video chat, we'll still have ways to communicate and talk together. It's one big party and also come to our Facebook page, facebook.com/watchrockcrapins to talk shit with other listeners because they're very funny. Twitter, we're at WhatCrapins. You can find all our social media links at watchrockcrapins.com. I'm trying to speed this through because we've got so many ads today. Thank you, ads. Yeah, thank you. Thank you advertisers. We actually have a sponsor. Next issue has actually purchased ads for the rest of the year on this podcast. It's just super cool. Once a week, once a week. Yeah, we've got sponsored telling. All right, so that's three commercials today. All right, so we'll speed it along. So we're gonna put one in from our lovely sponsor, Jamie. And here you go. Do you find yourself longing for the utter nonsense and bullshit of Vanderpump rules or miss the heavy makeup and radioactive orange spray tans of the Jersey Shore? Don't have the patience to watch yet another reality TV show? I hear you there. The solution is the only way is Jamie, a newish web series covering every season of the UK reality show. The only way is Essex, which if you have not seen that show is hilarious. You can catch Jamie Z. That's J-A-Y-M-E and the all British shenanigans on YouTube telling. I mean, come on. We've all got questions. What's the potential? And we're back. All right, so Benjamin, what do you want to talk about today? I want to talk about the fact that we have yet another ad. Oh my god, Ben. This was an ad orgy, Ben. It is an ad orgy. This one's quick. Okay, this is from Boxy Charm, which is a beauty subscription box that sends you a full-size products ranging from cosmetics, skincare, hair care, and more than $20. I'm sorry, more and more for only $20 per month and free shipping with no long-term commitment and you can cancel any time. Other companies send sample sizes of Boxy Charm sends you full-size products and Boxy Charm promises a total value of $95 or more each month. So it's worth 95 or more, but you get it for 21. It also offers exclusive members only offers and giveaways from the best brands and subscribers can receive loyalty point points to redeem extra goodies for their box. It's perfect for treating yourself, your wife, your girlfriend, your mom, your friends, or maybe your transitioning friend. If you're still not sold, just search Boxy Charm on YouTube to access thousands of unboxing videos. Sorry, Boxy Charm, I only stuttered through three quarters of that. But we're done. I love a good unboxing video. Yeah. Like when the new iPhones come out and you're like, yeah, I'm gonna, well, not Europe, but I go watch that shit get open on the internet. I know I've definitely seen some of those Boxy like unboxing charming videos. So we have a fun show ahead because we're gonna be covering New York and Southern Charm both of which served us some really entertaining episodes. But I have to say, I think it's time to mobilize the Washburn Crapins Army because we have a great mission for everyone. We need to get Chrissy Teigen on this podcast. She is a supermodel, married to John Legend, and she's also a Bravo super fan. She just recently tweeted some stuff about princesses of Long Island and Southern Charm. So it shows she's like into like the deep, the deep cuts, you know, she's in deep. She is in deep. So I tweeted at her, I was like, you should come on the podcast. And of course she didn't write back to me. But I think if we can mobilize our listeners to somehow get her on the podcast, I think that would be the most amazing thing ever. Someone with the last name of Teigen have some Boxy Charm boxes on her way. Or at least a magazine from next issue. I think that would be so cool. So I don't know, I don't know what we do. I mean, I guess people tweet her or if anyone knows her or knows her agent or PR person, tell her we're really cool and nice. And she shouldn't be weird out by the fact that we've had all these ads. Yeah. Okay, great pitch. Great pitch. Great pitch, great pitch, Tom, Chrissy, come on the podcast. Hopefully we'll read about that in the next issue of next issue, people magazine. Chris, we drop the bomb on Watch for Crapins. What do you want to talk about first? We've got Real Housewives of New York today and southern charm. Oh, they both were so good. And I can go either way. Let's start with Real Housewives of New York. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You know, it's gonna be, you know, it's gonna be a fun episode when it starts with Ramona hacking up along. You know what? I have a cold, you know what? But you know what? I was just at the doctor. But now I'm here now. You know why? Because I love you. Yeah, I'm here for you. I could be home in bed because also Mario might or might not be there. I don't know because that's kind of relationship we have now. I don't know if he's going to bring me Kleenex. I don't know if he's gonna let me die on my snot. And that's exciting. It's like being young again. I have a lot of phlegm. Okay. So I'm sorry. I can't speak normally. Okay. Because I have a lot of snot in my nose. Okay. So I'm sorry. That's just the way it is. Okay. Okay. Just let it go. Just let my nose is stuffed more than one of Mario's mistresses. See, I can joke about it. I can joke about it now. Because I'm cool. It's the new Ramona. Whoa. Whoa. This is really weird. Okay. When I was a little girl, I would sometimes get cold. Okay. And my mother said you can never lie on a man to bring you a tissue when you can get a tissue yourself. Okay. So I never asked my father for a tissue. And this is all bringing me back to the moment. I'm getting very emotional. Okay. I'm gonna start a tissue. I'm gonna start a tissue company. And I'm gonna buy an ad on podcast gay gay podcast. Okay. It's gonna be called next tissue. Okay. You know what? You know what? Oh, whoa. This really reminds me this time when I was a kid. When Geraldine Parsons Smith came over and my nose was running and she said, Hey, why don't you run after it? And I said, I don't get it. She said it's a joke. Because you said your nose is running. And I said, you know, I don't appreciate that because I'm going to a cold. Okay. So I've always resented that. Okay. And I'm just going to let it go. I just let it go. Like let go of the resentment towards Geraldine Parsons Smith thinking about that. Okay. Just let it go. Okay. Sorry. You have to stop because next tissue. That's amazing. Next tissue.com. So for some reason, do they change people's opening lines or something as the season goes on? Because I haven't noticed some of these opening things. Like Derinda, is she wearing biker shorts under her skirt in the opening? Like I was noticing a lot of weird shit this week. And has Sonya always said that her yacht gone, but her boat came in? Yeah. How am I seeing that? This season she has. Yeah. Oh my God. We talk about this shit for like hours a week. And I'm just seeing that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I'm keeping an eye out for Derinda's biker shorts. Yeah. It looks like, you know, when you when you have fat thighs, which you don't, but you know, I do. And sometimes like if you go to Disney World or something like all the fat girls were biker shorts under their skirt, so you don't chafe downing. Hey, John, John gave me this tip. Okay, I'm, I use this tip for the photo shoots because this is what John told me to do. Okay, I'm still doing it from Ramona on Derinda. No, okay, the red. So I keep looking at my southern charm notes on accident. And it says five baby shower. I'm like, why am I talking about baby showers? That's the furthest thing from Real Housewives of New York. Yeah. Okay, so you shouldn't be talking about, I believe, there was a scene with so Ramona and I think Derinda had lunch or something. Oh, no, I wasn't Derinda. It was Ramona and someone else who knows. But then then there was like this ridiculous scene of Carol running running for election on her co-op board, which is the most it was such a stupid scene. She has like a war room. She's like, okay. All right, here's what we have to do. I have to win. So that way I can be on my co-op board. And then she assembled all these people. And it was like, it just was so stupid. It was like so fake for 30 people that building, she said, have 30 people in it and there were like 10 in the room. And also she made like all these science fair posters and stuff. She went to Hobby Lobby and got that poster board shit and just started putting glitter all over it and making like drawing pictures of herself like a five year old. I don't know what she is trying to win. I'm young. I'm running for class president. She's very like prom queen running. I don't know what adult in a co-op is going to vote for you with like glitter posters in the elevator, but it worked because she won spoiler alert. She won. This is I did want to say something about that lunch with Ramona and Dorinda because I I just noticed that Ramona is one of those people who when you walk up, she's staring really intently at her phone like she's a very important business person and won't talk or acknowledge you at all until she's done. And then she turns on a big fake. Like Dorinda knows that like she walks up and she's still like looking at her phone and then she's like, Hi, I hate that. On a call checking to see if anybody's put us on the internet because Mario was walking the dog in front of my house and people have to be wondering what's happening. So Ramona has agreed to go back to the Berkshires with Dorinda for her birthday. What a mistake for everyone involved. Cannot wait. So she's this is where all this John drama starts because she is giving Dorinda shit about John and Dorinda saying the matter what Mario does, Mr. Jett said, I'll always be there for you. I don't care what he does. If you want to go live with him, that's fine with me. Go back and live with him. I don't care if you like being disrespected. I support you in your disrespect. And Ramona's like, thank you. Your boyfriend's a fat disgusting pig and I hope he dies of a heart attack, which he probably will. And I hope not on top of you because you live far away from me. And I'm not coming to the Berkshires to get you out from under that person. Ramona's totally in the fair. She's like, whatever, he's a loser. Yeah. Yeah. So then after the the war room scene, then it's, do you have my Obama posters? It's like me. It's like the Obama poster, but it's me instead. I was at the Occupy Wall Street movement in a bikini and a photographer. If I had done, I'd look this good at 50. I would have run for a co-op board 20 years ago. Whatever. One of her running points is that she wants transparency. Nobody wants that in their condo, okay? Yeah. We don't live outside. Yeah. She's like, if I get elected to play ping pong and no one will ever pick up the ping pong balls. I'm gonna make a rule that people have to play ping pongs in their lingerie. And I love that she has people opposing her because she comes home drunk at three in the morning and can't get the door open. Yeah. I did break a door. Bethany's therapist. Oh God. So Beth, yeah, I love the way Bethany walks into the therapist's therapy session. It's like, hi, you always wear a tie? Huh? What? That's weird. Huh? You always sit down? Okay, I'm gonna sit down. All right. So you sit, I stand. Okay, no big deal. I'm fine with that. I don't want to. That's fine. Let's talk. Jesus, calm down. Just how about you say hi. Nice to see you. Look at this. Your apartment looks like an office. I don't have an apartment. I'm homeless. And he's like, cry more, cry more. Yeah. He's like, how'd that make you feel? It made me feel sad and how'd making me sad make you feel? It made me feel more sad. And why do you think you felt sad? Because I was sad. So you feel really sad. Huh? Well, I'm, you know, a survivor and how's survivor making you feel? Well, you know, I'm not even this. You're making me feel too much. I mean, basically, for me, Ramona and Bethany's voice are exactly the same, but I can't, I'd be, what are you to question as to what if I make it? Yeah, that's what you do. I've never really tried to do a proper Bethany impersonation. My Bethany impersonation is sort of like a just generic New Yorker one, like, because the people who do it well, do it like when Heather McDonald was on last week, she did a good one. And of course, our friend Amy Phillips, there was like an excellent Bethany. So I almost feel like, why should I even try? Yeah, I know. Yeah, I'm not touching that one either. I have to work on it. Like, my Bethany comes out all strange and like honky sound. I'm like, Oh, you're true. We have a toy on. Hey, Mr. But I like how this shrink. I like how this shrink isn't about ever really getting better. So you went and saw your dad. Yeah, it was great. I saw my dad. I saw my friends. It was really great seeing friends and seeing my dad. So how did it go with your father? Well, you know, he apologized for beating my mother in front of me because I mean, how rude, you know, do it in privacy, get some privacy. I still, I still need privacy for everything I do. Just going, you know, and he's like, well, why aren't you, you know, I'm not hearing anything about how it worked out or how you're feeling and blah, blah, blah. Did he acknowledge it? Yeah, yeah. I mean, he said, I'm sorry for, you know, forbidding your mom in front of you. And I'm sorry for being drunk and being a drug addict. And then, it's like her version of the story is like, yeah, it's like they just like shared a taxi together and it says, and they're like, yeah, cool. Yeah. So how did your thing with your father? Great. I brought him on national TV. I told everybody that he was a rapist a murderer, a wife feeder and a drug addict. And then, you know, Bravo paid for the tab. What do you want? And he's like, well, I don't think you cried enough. Did you cry? And she's like, damn, I'm crying, I'm crying, I'm crying. Jesus. Well, because he was like, well, had that feel. And she's like, it's fine. He's like, well, I can't just feel fine. She's like, no, it's fine. It's like, well, you can't tell me that you saw your mom get like, beaten up and dragged across the kitchen floor. And you just didn't feel anything. She's like, well, okay, she's like, you got me. He's like, all right, I remember when it was terrible when he when he beat my mother with my Hello Kitty phone, that was terrible. I still can't look at Hello Kitty. It's like, Oh my God, I don't want to hear this anymore. And I like, one of her most traumatic things was the dad calling the mama cunt. Oh, honey, Bethany will never make it through an episode of this show. So be like sobbing on the floor. So next week, go over to Sonya, Sonya honored by Latino show magazine. It's just yeah. And as Sonya describes, she's like, well, you know, I hear on social media, I have a very large Latin following. My social media interns have told me she's like, I've been emailing me in Spanish. Yeah. Well, poor Sonya, she probably got confused. There's probably someone on there who's like a Latin student in high school, who'd like sir. And she's like, well, big Latin following. Well, you know, I love, I love going to the Met and looking at the antiquities of huge Latin fan. She probably thought she was on a magazine for ancient room. Tortilla's delicious. I tear them apart in little pieces and feed my interns with them like little pizzas at a time like little pigeons, little pigeons working for free. One of the quotes I wrote down that she she said was, I embody that. Yes, she embodies the Latin spirit. So the women are basically just completely shocked that Sonya, not only not only that Sonya is Mexican, but that she is being, you know, she's being honored for clothes that she's actually had some. Yes. I mean, there's one dress because Mexicans. She's like, the reason why I'm the reason the reason why I'm on this magazine is it's called Latino show. So this is what you show off the clothes that Latinos make for you. Oh, my God, that's terrible. I think we know she's at least made one dress because she wore one in the magazine and she wore the same one to this thing. Well, it's like when Marge Simpson got an invite to a country club one episode and she says she got she got like a she had like a Chanel dress. She either got the Chanel dress and then got the invite or got the invite them the Chanel dress, but either way, she only had one Chanel dress and that was it. And then suddenly they realized and kicked dry the club. It's basically like Marge Simpson's blue dress that she wears every day. I'm a designer. I like that. It's like Yoda and Marge and Carol Ratsalel all in one. Just because I do a lot of impersonations does not mean I'm good at them. OK, I just like to do them. If you were new to this podcast, AKA Chrissy Teigen, we just want you to know that we just do lots of weird voices. We just our our goal on this podcast is just to make each other laugh. So if that means trying to pull out the strangest impersonation of someone that doesn't sound accurate at all, then so be it. So you're wondering why we sometimes sound Australian is because we're doing Real House as a Melbourne. If we're doing we're Marge Simpson Yoda voices, it's because we're trying to do Carol Ratsalel or giving you a headache, lie down on your Casper mattress while reading an exhibition magazine or watching Jamie's show on YouTube or, you know, buggling yourself in boxy charm. So to me, to us on Patreon, Chrissy Teigen, everyone's reaction to room to Sony was just so cute. They're like, wow, that's from your collection. You did it. Good for you. Ramona's like, I don't understand this. Why am I here? She's not Latino. I don't see Latino people. Well, there's some Latino people, but I don't know what they're talking about. I mean, decide English. I don't even know what to say. I mean, it's America, right? It's not mexarica. She's like, where's the she's like, I don't see any salsa and chips. We're the chips. It doesn't feel Latino. This is not a Latino show. OK, you know what this is? It's an American show. It's not a Latino show. I want to see salsa. Once you walk a moly. OK, I just want to see moly. OK, just give me something with word moly in it. OK? How do you how do you add up all the calories from the nothing I'm about to eat for my fitness pal? I saved this up all day. How do you empty bad potty into my fitness pal? Stupid potty. Zero points. Zero points. OK. You know my favorite Latina actresses? Molly Ringwald. OK. One time the Rida had a mole on your back and I said, don't call it a mole. I'll eat it. Just call it a big raised freckle. I'm starving. You know what? I started reading this mole and I said, whoa, OK, you know what you got to do? I just read about this in Latino show magazine. OK, you got to take that mole and you got to put some chocolate in it and put it in a taco, OK? And then Bethany, who is also the worst. Oh, yes. What am I doing here? What am I doing here? What's going on here? Bethany is so great. OK. There's like a little step and repeat at this at this thing. And Sonia's taking like a million photos in it. Bethany runs in literally like the killer in urban legend. OK, you remember the killer wore like a giant like Gore-Tex jacket with like a hood, like a furry hood? She just darts in super fast. Like she's going to go off someone with a knife. I'm like, I like how Bethany is like, I'm not going to do a step and repeat for Latino show magazine. She's like, I'll pee in a bucket on TV twice, but I will not appear anywhere associated with this magazine. How can my show even get canceled? I mean, why would you cancel my show and keep Latino show around? I mean, if you're going to cancel a show, cancel a Latino show. I mean, what is that? Is it a show about Latinos? Is it showing Latino something? That doesn't even make sense grammatically. I can't be here. I don't know what's going on here. Why am I sweating? Why am I sweating? Like, why is it it's hot in here? Why am I hot? Just kill me now, OK? You know what? Put me a Latino show in the obituaries, OK? You know, just kill me now. You snorted too much Adderall in your way to the party. That's why. And of course, everybody's being supportive. Even the nice one pulled her aside, Kristen. And it's like, you know, Sonia, I just wanted to say, I'm genuinely sorry because I wasn't very supportive. And you did it. I mean, you're out of bed. You took a shower. You smell like deodorant. I mean, you're here sitting on a couch. I'm so proud of you. Do you remember when I got sweat on last week? Oh, I'm proud to arrive. She's like, so see you next week. Bye, Kristen. That was a fun plot point for you. I also-- not everyone was being supportive, because Heather was being shady as a motherfucker, which is sort of hilarious to me. She's being totally shady, but I kind of get it too, because Heather actually is a professional in this space. I'm sorry. She was being nasty. No, I'm sorry Miss Heather being a professional in this space. First of all, she's wearing like a Carmen San Diego detective hat, OK? She looks like she looks like someone's trying to hack into your website or something. It's like that private detective guy. And then she's wearing some big fur thing. No, Sonia, I mean, no, Heather. And also, Heather, I don't know if you've realized this, or if nobody's pointed this out to you yet, but you stole Spanx, basically, OK? You took a product that was already out there, and you're reselling it as something else, and you're calling it your own fashion industry. Well, why do you think she's dressed like Carmen San Diego? She's a world class thief, mama. Hey, mama, hey, mama, come rob your bank, mama, and let me go off to Turkey. Mama, try to find me. I'll leave a few clues in a-- Hey, mama, I'm going to leave you footsteps that you can follow. Lynn Thigpen is all, have you seen her? [LAUGHTER] She's like-- I just wanted to name drop Lynn Thigpen. I don't remember anything she actually did on that show, but it's important to name drop her. She would just lift up a magnifying glass and be like, hmm. But I love how Heather's talking to these manufacturers or this group that Sunny has. And it's like, so where are you going to sell this? Kmart? [LAUGHTER] That's such a bitch. So bitch. Excuse me, this material is from Italy, OK? And I've been wearing this dress since I went there a couple of weeks ago to find it. So no, it's not going into Kmart. Yeah. She's like, well, technically it wasn't Italy per se. It was an olive garden. But still, you know what, their chairs are very comfortable, and I have the same cloth. [LAUGHTER] And Heather's saying, that's not offensive. Kmart is a very big retailer. OK, yeah, nobody wants their fine clothes in Kmart. People who sell sweatpants on stolen Spanx do. Kmart loves stolen brand name stuff. She's like, wow, this straw, it's making it so easy for the strength to get it in my mouth. I'm going to invent something like a straw, but it's going to be mine, and it's going to be called yum. Delicious. Delicious. Yum suction technologies. Yeah, also what was funny was that some of the girls were talking to Ramona about her new job working at this ridiculous restaurant with checkerboard floors. And she's like, yeah, the food's really good. You know, it's really wonderful food. You know, the other night, Mario was sick. So then I was like, OK, I brought him some salmon, and I brought him some potatoes. And they're like, wait, you brought Mario some food? Yeah, you know, I brought him some french fries, and I brought him some coleslaw. He really liked a lot, like, why are you saying, Mario? Well, you know, I just saw him. So anyway, then we made love, and then I brought him some onion rings, and I brought him another big potato, and I was drinking soup, and I brought him a pizza. He really loved it all. I mean, the important thing is for Mario to know that he had just to serve him. You know, I'm my own woman. I'm a new person. So I brought him, you know, those extra little packs of ketchup. I bought him at 20, because I just wanted him to have them. So every time you put ketchup on something, he'd remember me, you know, not that I care. Not that I care. I mean, who cares, right? Oh, Ramona, can we please talk about the Carroll party for her election? Well, that's the next thing. That's the next number. There's some lady there with a baby. And Carroll's like trying to date it, and then bringing everybody into her house for the big election. And it really wasn't that fascinating of a scene. But I loved Heather and Bethany together, because they just hate each other, like they hate each other on site. And it's never going to get better, and I fucking love it. I know. I mean, there are definitely two alpha entrepreneurial women, and this is like a bad case for women in business, because, oh god, this is like a-- it's a study in passive aggressiveness. Heather, just going in on the one subject that Bethany doesn't want to talk about, under the guise of being concerned, you know. It's just great. So good. Well, Heather opens by talking about how she wants to get a tattoo of Maleficent, which-- Yeah, yes, this is not-- It's like, did you see the film? You know, it's with Angelina Jolie. It's beautiful, and I'm going to get the horns put on my arm. It's like, you know that Maleficent is only a good guy because of this PC bullshit world we live in, right? She put a bitch in a coma, like on purpose. That's not cool to be tattooing on your arm. That's not a feminist right there, all right? Darling, darling, it's actually pretty awful. And this gives me worries that Heather is the type to be singing songs from Frozen to her little kids. Because I was just at a barbecue this weekend where the mom turned on Frozen, and it's like blasting, let it go. Her daughter's like three, very cute daughter and everything. But the daughter doesn't really know what's going on, and the mom is blasting it and singing every single word. I'm like, oh, lady, don't act like this is for the girl. This is for you, and you're going to get a Maleficent tattoo on your thigh next. You're next, lady. Because you don't have those moms like, oh my god, my daughter just can't get enough of that song. It's so annoying. I'm like, no, it's not your daughter, it's you. It's you. Totally you, after a fight with your husband, and your suburban, on your way to pick up food for everybody. Like, let it go, let it go. And on it, listen, I sing "Little Top of Horrors" all the time. I am always singing both parts to suddenly see more in the bathroom, OK? I support it, but just beyond it. That is actually a good song to sing alone, both the parts in that song. No, it's like it's like it's cheering. ♪ To eat and make a pie ♪ ♪ Daddy left her early ♪ ♪ Mama's poor ♪ ♪ I ain't need a man ♪ ♪ That follow him quietly ♪ ♪ He's not been dancing ♪ ♪ I say the shoe ♪ ♪ I love it ♪ ♪ Carole ♪ [LAUGHS] ♪ It's fucking a baby ♪ ♪ If that baby's not old enough to date, get your hands off of him ♪ And that's when he makes a blowjob joke in front of the baby. And then Heather moves on to, oh, so you can't come out because you don't have custody of your daughter? Really? What's that like? So what's it like being alone at night? Is it cold? Did your daughter used to cuddle with you? Are you freezing now alone? Oh my gosh, I just don't know what I do without my children. Divorce is hard, isn't it? You look terrible, are you lonely? I wish you could call your daughter right now, but she's probably got your number blocked from what I read. Oh, poor things, like damn, Heather, back up, babe. I bet he's like, if you want to bond with me, OK, don't bond with me about this, OK? It's the one thing I don't want to talk about, OK? It's the one thing that's most personal about me, OK? Don't talk about Brynn to me, OK? I don't want to talk about it. Next thing, she's like, oh my god, I got to talk about Brynn. It's like, I love her. It's like, my life has been had to change. Oh my god, Brynn, Brynn, Brynn, Brynn, Brynn. I'm going through a nightmare. I'm homeless. It's because of Brynn. Oh my god. So you know what, like, I actually get it. In real life, I would say, like, I'm on Bethany's side, but you know what, though, bitch, you're being in a can and talking about Brynn every chance you get, so. And it's also just easy to say, yeah, it is really rough not having custody. You know, it's still new to us, and I miss my kid at the end. Yeah, absolutely. What does it mean? Someone is vacuuming. I mean, what kind of building do I live in where people are vacuuming at 1/13? Get a job. Chef Penny, did you spit the pomegranate seeds again? Get that vacuum out right now. Where's, Pandy? Pandy, get on top of this. You're the manager now. Clean up those pomegranate seeds. Pandy. Pandy, someone spilled the decorative marbles. Fix them. Right, that whole time I thought it was vacuuming, and it was actually a leaf blower. Shows you how much I know, guys. Pandy, the leaves are falling off the fig trees. Get them off the porch or pump. Pandy, get the leaf blower. Put a giant face in front of that fig tree, darling. All right, I don't want to take the dried leaves and make something out of it, you know. Well, just throw some Christmas lights in it from the home depot and, you know, a few fake jewels, darling. Everyone will come to pump. Chef Penny, here's what we'll do. We're going to fill in the gaps on the trees by hanging some cupcakes like Christmas ornaments, okay? Make 10 cupcakes right now. Hang them off the tree. Oh, the next thing, what else is here? Wait, I have some things to say. I have some things to say. Oh, do it, do it in? First of all, totally honestly. I want to know what frozen treats Carol got because when she said they're like pigs in a blanket wrapped in an egg roll, I was like, I need to have this. This needs to go into my freezer right away. It's probably some Trader Joe's concoction and I'm okay with that. Just let me know. Oh, by the way, here's the helicopter with MJ's slider delivery coming overhead. Hey, do you want to have one of these? They've been in the freezer since Caroline's birthday. It's like, Jesus, no, nobody wants those. These are the original pop tarts before they were square. As someone who has defrosted things that have been two years old in his freezer, I support her. I also love the way that when Sonia shows up the way she talks about Carol running for board, she sort of surprised that Carol's running for board of her co-op, which I think we all were. But I love how Sonia was like, you know, I don't really see Carol as being on board of directors. You know, I sort of see Carol sort of grow less, you know, spin records, you know? I'm like, yeah, she's like a fun head cat spinning the records and doing the wild stuff downtown. Carol really likes wearing those acid wash jeans that are, you know, with the waist after her boobs and, you know, doing lots of young, fun things that young people do. You know, bowling night where it's dark inside except for a disco ball, ping pong. You know, she's a partying animal. You know, ice cream socials. You know, hoarding yourself out in Abu Dhabi. I mean, she's a party girl. She's one of us. I also like Luann's take on it also. She's like, well, I mean, I can't imagine her running for it. She can't water her plants. It was for a co-op in New York. There are no plants. All right. The important thing is you're going to have someone to break down your door when you come home at three in the morning. Okay. You can call Carol. Carol, what's wrong with me today? And by the way, Kristen also showed up to this party. And I think she is turning into Betty Draper. She looked exactly like January Jones and Mad Men. Hair blown out. Big gray dress. I was like, oh. They treat her with as much respect. It'll be like the last episode. And they'll be like, um, Kristen Hevelin cancer had died. The end. [laughter] Thanks for all the years of hard work, babe, okay. Carol, I've cut to Kristen, like, shooting pigeons out of the sky. Look, it's Kristen in bed without makeup. Look, Kristen's fat for two episodes. Now she's normal again. Kristen almost fucked the teenage neighbor. Actually, if Kristen would get some of those storylines, I think she'd be way more interesting. She really would be. If she were, like, engaged or married to, like, a -- Basically, she would be, like, Catherine from Southern Charm. Um, I'm getting to the politicians. So, like, something in my throat. She has too much personality to be Betty Draper. But I would love to see some of those storylines. Like, I could have totally fucked the teenager next door, but he was going to Vietnam and I had lung cancer, so I restrained myself. She's like, um, I was really attracted to the horse trainer, but I did nothing about it. Thanks. Um, I've wasted my pretty. She almost just did Draper. I mean, they're both models, you know? Both in -- She has -- She has not as much of a bit. I love Betty Draper's just ice-cold, horribleness. Kristen's actually nice and smart. Um, yeah, just boring. And Betty's not boring. How dare you, Ben. Talk about -- Kristen's not even boring. I thought last season she was a great addition. It's just that with this season, there's actually just too many personalities. There's not enough time for her. Nothing's going on. So she's boring this season, but I don't think that she as a person is boring. Um, speaking of not -- Carol wins the thing, right? Yeah. And her first plan of action is to open a beef farm in the mommy. Yeah. I think we need bees around here. Uh, Ramona's restaurant. Okay. This waiter interview was the best thing that I've ever seen in my life. Well, I thought it was totally staged, by the way. It was, like, obviously fake to me. Well, do you think that girl was faking it? Oh, yeah. A hundred percent. I believe that she's -- I believe she was an actor that was hired by the show. As someone who's worked in restaurants his whole life, I completely bought it. They're interviewing this guy for Ramona's -- For Ramona's restaurant. She's like, "Listen, here's what I want. I want people to look like me." Nobody needs a waiter like Ramona, okay? What are you going to have? What are you going to have today? What are you going to do? What are you going to have? Are you ready? Are you ready? Do you need time? I can give you time. I'm a new person. I'm going to be over there in the waiting station, not even worried about what you're doing with your life. You want to -- whatever you want. I don't care. I don't care. I'm going to bring you a catch-up, though. I'm going to bring you a lot of tough-it. And to go box this, you can take a moment to marry it. Which of my stopping time are yours? I'm worried. You know what? This is too much, okay? You're ordering too much food. I can't take it all. You have to slow down. Slow down. Slow down your order. I can't take it all in. Okay, start over. Okay, you want a salad. Okay, what do you want a salad? Why don't you get some rice, okay? You like rice. You want some rice? Okay, some rice. Salad? You know what? I'm sick of it. All right, I've told you what you should get. You should get the salad, and I've had enough. Okay? Enough. Okay, so I forgot your side of cheese, but I did remember to do a one-hand push-up. You want me to see -- you want to see me do it? Look, I can do push-ups with my one hand. Look, one hand. Look, look. Hey, Julio, get over here. Yeah, my friends in the Latino show. Okay, thank you. I just, I just cried to him to bring you some water. Listen, you know what? I'm very sorry. I know you ordered a salmon burger, but I brought it to Mario instead, okay? And now we're out of salmon. So is there anything else in the life? Okay. Listen, John, John, I, I, you make dorinda very happy. So I'm happy to bring you food, but I want you to know I'm only going to bring you salads. Okay? Oh, Ramona, it's a new me. Normally, I would have just brought you what you wanted, but the new me said no. That's not what they really need. So I brought you what I think you need, and that's me. I don't care. You can say whatever you want. I'm rejuvenated. It's new me. It's me. I'm like a spirit with lotion on it. I've been rejuvenated. You know what? I just want you to know I brought you your steak. I don't, I don't plate that's yellow because it runs your sunshine. It's a sunshine plate. In fact, I'm not going to even give you any steak just a plate, okay? We bring the steak to Mario. I wish that this waitress was real because she was priceless. You're like, okay, looking at your resume, you know, we see where you've worked. So what are you doing now? She's like, I'm here. Yeah, I was like, that was when I was like, this is fake. This is a hundred percent. Someone hired by the show off of Craigslist. I don't know living enough, living where we do and just working as a waiter as I used to. I can see that happening. Okay, ruin my joy. Take away my joy. So then we moved over to CB2 where Bethany and Carol were shopping for glasses and stuff. And Bethany was like, you know what? This is good. I'm still doing Ramona. But she's like, I want to get some glasses. All right. You know, I want some glasses. So Roy, I want to get some glasses. You know, cause I'm hollered for you to drink out of one of my glasses that I bought. It's something that I own. It's my own glass. I'm like, don't complain about not having your own glass when you're holding a bottle that literally has your face on it. You have in the store. You have vessels to drink from Bethany and you sell them. I feel like one of those homeless people. Do you guys sell tin cups here? Do you sell tin cups? Cause I want one. I'm going to go outside and ask for dollars. Homeless. I'm going to cry. I'm going to cry. I'm going to cry. You mind if I just like sleep on this couch? Cause I don't have a home. I'm just, I'm going to sit here and cry. What do I got it? Like cut off my legs and wheel my torso around on a chair in the subways for people are on a skateboard in the subways to get some pity from people. I'm homeless. Like what are the degrees of homeless? I'm homeless. Okay. He's homeless. I'm homeless. We're homeless together. Yeah. The only difference is I can't take off a wig and reveal myself to be Bono singing in the subway for Jimmy Fallon. Okay. This is me. This is all me. Okay. It's me. I'm not a subway busker. Okay. I'm just, I have nothing to bus. Okay. I can't busk anything. I could just be me. All right. It's just me and the subway. All right. I'll stand there. I can hold on to that. Yeah. You two went, like last week they got into like, they got into disguise and we're singing at the subway and people were like stopping and looking like, huh? And then like, they take off. I've been there. So I could have been like, those songs all sound the same. Well, they sound, they sang the classic songs, which everyone loves. And it was actually pretty, it's actually a pretty cool video. So it's, you know, it's no Bethany busking in the subway. You know, when I saw them found what I'm looking for, but what am I looking for? I don't know with it without you. I can't tell with it without you. Do I not want you? I can't look at the dog. Do you know how dark it is here? Do you know how hard it is to dance in the dark? It's horrible. It's awful in here. That's Bruce Springsteen. Okay. You know, I can't tell. I can't live with it without Bruce Springsteen. Okay. You know what? In the name of love, I don't, you know, it loves name is what's, what's love's name? I don't know. You know, you came in like a wrecking ball. He came in like a wrecking ball. I don't appreciate it. You know, it was really difficult to build that apartment. You wrecked it. And now I have to build a new one. Homeless! I want to, I want to, I want to go to the subway. I'm in a bus. I'm missing YouTube songs. I want to sing on New Year's Day, but I'm like, I don't know which New Year's Day. Jewish New Year, American New Year, Chinese New Year. I mean, which one? I don't know. There's so many years. There's so many new years. I can't. I can't. I don't have time for this. I don't have time to go over all the new years in the world. Sleeping ambient. Dead, dead. I'm sorry. Stop talking about new years. What does that mean? She moves in mysterious ways? Like, how many ways is that? Is that like, why is it mysterious? Is it, is it the ways that's mysterious? Is she mysterious? Like, I don't get it. Like, I don't get the song. I don't get you too, okay? You know what? I don't, I don't get it. You love his toxic. I have no memory for any kind of lyric. I'm like, I'm like still doing YouTube joke, and you're just, just doing whatever song that comes to you. I'm just doing random song. I don't know enough YouTube songs. Am I supposed to rattle? What am I supposed to roll? Like, what do I have? Do I have something in my hand? Am I supposed to shake it? Is it like salt? Is it pepper? You know, I can't have salt. I mean, that's not good. How do you roll salt? Like, how do you do that? Like, what do you do? I'm supposed to have a ball of salt. It's like a hamster, a hamster ball full of salt. I'm supposed to roll it down the subway. You can balls into tracks, then what? Now I'm sued? Okay, go, so what? Kill me now. Sunday Bloody Sunday, I'm supposed to have Brent that day. Oh my God. It can't be a Bloody Sunday. I have Brent. I mean, if, if Brent's here, it gets bloody, you know, he's going to take her away. Then I'm going to be homeless and childless. I'm going to be all alone. Thanks a lot, YouTube. Fuck you, Bono. Okay, I'm done with you. I'm done. I can't talk about this anymore. It's a beautiful day. It's raining out. It's raining out. How's it a beautiful day? It's raining. Some people like rain. Okay, fine. I like sunshine. So now what? Now it's a beautiful day for you. It's a bad day for me. Now we can't all have a good day. I mean, how many different days can there be? Put me on Latino Show Magazine already, but the weather report, all right? I'm enough. I've had it. Have you ever seen how many days there are on a calendar? I mean, represented squares like that. It stresses me out. I can't. I can't with that. It's so many squares. Like, so many squares. I'm done sleeping. Done. Done with squares. I don't have to say this. Desire? Like desire? Like, why don't I say about desire? You know what I desire? I desire a home. Okay, I'm homeless right now. I'm not going to sing a song called desire when I don't even have a home. Okay, when I desire is a home, I desire. I want my own glasses. Okay, I mean, like enough already. Like too much. Too much for me. Oh, Bethany. Well, there's nothing like breaking down into CB2. And listen, I can understand it because I live by a CB2 and I go in there all the time. And you know what? How could they charge that much for a fucking chair made out of like aluminum and rope tied around it for the seat? That is not worth $500 CB2. I know. But you know, though, here's one thing I do have to say about CB2, their tote bags or no joke. When that CB2 that you live by opened up, I went in on like opening day just to like have an aspirational moment and they were giving out free tote bags. And I still have mine to this day. And it is the best. It is the most sturdy. It is the biggest. It is the best tote bag. If you if they sell that they sell them, everyone do yourself a favor by a CB2 tote bag. Sponsored by Casper Mattress. Hey, did you read about CB2 tote bags and the latest issue of next issue.com. They don't even sell latest of themselves. So anyway, so anyway, now the big fight of the episode. Oh, no, no, we don't get there yet because this is the best part to me. At least of this episode. Bethany's like, listen, I can't talk about, listen. I heard that you guys were upset because, you know, I haven't been around that much, you know, and I'm ignoring you or whatever. And Carol's like, well, I mean, I guess that's true. Well, I can't do it. If you want me to be choose between you and my daughter, I'm not going to do that. It's my daughter, you know, my daughter's free. She's my life. She's everything to me. What am I going to give my daughter to go to the Berkshire? No, I'm not going to do that. No matter what you say, no matter what anybody said. Carol's like, you're leaking. You want to have a plug for this hole? You're leaking on the couch. Carol's like, please don't do you need a hug because I can't do that. I am physically too weak to hug you right now. You see the way I'm collapsing this CB2 chair. I know they're absolutely fabulous because Adina's mother dies and she can never cry about it. And her daughter's like, Mom, why aren't you crying? It's your father. And she's like, and at the end, she finally starts crying. It's like, Mom, look at you. You're crying. And she's like, I don't want to get old. I don't want to get old. They reminded me of that scene. If you haven't watched absolutely fabulous, please rent it. Okay, buy it, buy it. Yeah. Yes. Okay. Sorry about that. So then Bethany blows her nose on a $2 napkin. And so then we go to patrol. We can buy it. What do I look like, Rich? Did you hear me? I'm homeless. I'm not going to buy it. I'll buy it for you. Just don't hug me. I'm going to buy a cloth separator that prevents you from hugging me. Yeah. So then we get to this big party and Heather and her boring-ass husband are there alone to start. They're like, Oh, wow, look, it's us. There's no kids around. This is great, honey. And he's like, girl, all he's show is, love being here. Your name is John for the rest of the- I mean, your name is Mama for the rest of the night. I like when John walked in, a Ramona in her interview started saying, you know what? I think that John, he's just, he's just too much. You know what? Women want their space. And John sort of crosses that line too fast. I'm like, yeah, because, you know, he's a little bigger. He sort of gets across that line a little faster. Does he gotta be good? It's my thought I don't want to like John. It's just that, you know, like, if your friends were someone like John and then you have to take a bus together or something like that, I mean, where are you gonna sit? He'll take the whole thing. I mean, I'm sorry, but I need air. I need air on the bus. I mean, like, I need my own space, okay? And he's too fat. He gets into my space. Like, if we're in an elevator, I have that much less space in the elevator because John is there and all his fat, okay? I mean, not to shame him for being fat, but, you know, I'm just saying how it is. What is with John coming in with, did he have makeup on? Well, he looked really weird today. I wasn't really sure. Like, like, he had a hair piece or something strange. There are a lot of hair. There are a lot of men's hair pieces on Bravo between... I can't tell if John has a hair piece or a comb over, but between Whitney and Thomas Ravanell and some of the various other wigs we're seeing, there's a lot of hair. I think John has a comb over, but it does look like it's sewed in there. It's like hair plugs like Bobby has on Shaw's, but his hair plugs are then used to comb over. But it's like, you know what sort of fun? It's like, John, like, why is this the area that you decide to be vain about? Like, why? Just let the bald spot show. I mean, it's not like... Let it all hang out. Yeah, you're at this point. You got the chest hair out. You're just like a big burly dude. You know, covering up the bald spot isn't going to make you look any better. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Just... Just hold it here. You know, exactly. Why even get out of bed in the morning? Just read. Just lay there. Just do something. I mean, what... Why would you go out of your house? I mean, I wouldn't do that. I mean, people who stay in bed are great. Why not stay in bed? I love beds. You're making us the mattress, okay? Everything. You know, I have to say I was thinking this while I was watching the show. I actually like all the people on this show. Most of the housewives, even. Like, I actually really like them, even though we make fun of them a lot. But Heather is testing me, okay? Well, I like... I love caviar. I'm a whore for caviar. Patrosium is caviar. When you hear the name Patrosium, you know it's caviar. I'm like, what is this? Matthew McConaughey Lexus Commercial Stop. Well, I didn't mind. I mean, she was right, though. She bugs me. She's right. I mean, Patrosium is like a caviar. It's like... It is a caviar restaurant, basically. I'm gonna do that next time I'm walking to Subway. I'm gonna be like Subway. I live for Subway. I'm a Subway whore. I mean, when Subway... When someone says Subway, the first thing I think of is Subway. Not the Subway. I mean, I guess that would be obvious, but Subway. I can't get mad at Heather because I too love caviar. Not that I get to eat it ever, but I love it so much. And when I saw her put that big mounds on her toast, I was so jealous. I was like, that's what I want. I always think back to the amazing race season four or five, wherever it was, where the teams had to go to St. Petersburg, and they were given giant bowls of caviar that they had to eat. And they were like, oh, no, I can't eat it. And I'm like, do you realize that people pay like $100 for spoonful and you're getting a giant bowl? I was like crying. I was like, I wish I could have been on the amazing race for that challenge. Okay, so this makes me sound really ridiculous. I get it. So, you know what? Chrissy Teigen, please come back. Please come back. I'm sorry I alienate it. She would agree with you. You know that bitch has caviar? I know, she does. Get that John Legend caviar. Carol's like, "That caviar looks delicious. Those eggs look as almost healthy as mine." It was like a big bowl of MJ's eggs. Then we get one of the most ironic speeches of any housewives show ever from the Countist. You know, it's wonderful. You know, I'd like to make a toast. It is wonderful being able to be so wealthy. So congratulations to us all. What is this? And she's like, "And loyalty." Because that's the really important part. What are you talking about? Have you ever seen this show? You are not loyal. You just fuck somebody that looked like Johnny Depp last year when you had a boyfriend. Please stop giving speeches about loyalty, please. Right. And then in the middle of this, John gets up to take like a dump somewhere. He like goes to the bathroom. He's gone. My dad works in B2B marketing. He came by my school for career day and said he was a big row as man. Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend. My friend's still laughing me to this day. Not everyone gets B2B. But with LinkedIn, you'll be able to reach people who do. Get $100 credit on your next ad campaign. Go to LinkedIn.com/results to claim your credit. That's LinkedIn.com/results. Terms and conditions apply. LinkedIn, the place to be. To be. Etsy knows these aren't the sounds of holiday gifting. Oh. Or. Oh, okay. Thank you. Well, they're not the sounds you're hoping for. You want squeals of delight like this. Ooh. And spontaneously written songs of joy. I am so happy. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. To get those, make everyone on your list feel heard with gifts like personalized jewelry, custom artwork, vintage pieces, and home decor. For original gifts that say I get you, Etsy has it. For like 20 minutes. And Heather starts saying, you know, Ramona, like, I'm so, like, I'm really proud of you. I feel like, you know, we've really come a long way and I feel like you've made a lot of changes you've grown in so many wonderful ways. And Ramona's like, no, I haven't changed. I haven't changed. You know, it's just that, you know what? Like, I just feel like, you know, you and the land just sort of have an unwelcoming wall that's up. And so I can't be myself. And when I went around to Rinda, I can be myself. So it's just more like, I haven't changed. It's just that, like, you guys have lowered your wall. So I could lower my walls. I was like, oh, God, here we go. And they're like, well, Ramona, you had some preconceived notions about Heather. She's like, no, I don't have preconceived notions about people. I don't have any. Now, for instance, when I saw John, the first time I saw him, I was like, oh, he's fat. And I knew he was fat. And I knew he'd be an awful person as a result of that. And guess what? He still is. And I know that. It's not preconceived. It's just a fact. It's conceived on impact. All right. That's very different than being preconceived. I wasn't thinking about it before. It wasn't pre. I just thought it when I saw him. And here we are. I was right. I could be like a psychic, you know? Yeah. I just conceived. I conceived my notions. They're like little notion babies, okay? They're conceived, okay? And you know, it's like, I can still conceive. So then they start getting into a big fight. It goes in this, it goes in this crazy way because. Because Luan is basically telling Ramona like, well, well, darling, you know, like you do have some preconceived notions and you do have a wall. You can't say that you've never changed. So when she starts calling out Ramona, Ramona does what she does best, which is then she just hits below the belt. So she's like, well, you know what? Derinda, you know what? Like, she somehow she brings up this issue where apparently Luan. So Luan says Derinda called her because Ramona was being mean to her. Ramona was being mean to Derinda. So Derinda called Dewan. And Ramona had apparently shared with Derinda something that Luan had said to Ramona. She was upset because- it was very confusing. Yeah, she said that Derinda called Ramona, no, Derinda called Luan because Ramona had told Derinda that Luan said really mean things about John. So Derinda was calling basically to confront the land. And of course, Luan brings it up by saying like once she finally gets mad at Derinda and it has nothing to do about any of this, she's like, well, how is your friend Derinda? Because she just called me very upset because you're mistreating her. So how does that feel? How do you like her now? Derinda's like, oh, this time to charge the robot. Yeah, because what happened was Luan said that she and Ramona were having a conversation where they were talking about the things that they didn't like about John. And then Ramona went and told it all to Derinda, but Ramona like did not say the things that she was saying. So she made it seem like Luan was the only one saying it. So then Derinda was mad at Luan as a result of it. And then Luan was calling out Ramona for putting a spin on it in that way. And then Ramona is so like Ramona's like, you know what, you know what, this is exactly it. You know what, now I just know I won't tell you anything Derinda, okay, I just won't tell you, you know, that's all I know. I just won't, you know, I won't give you the source. That's all, you know, you have to be careful with Luan. It's Derinda's fault for being upset about it, not Ramona's fault for saying it. I love it. Oh, I can't trust Derinda. Okay, you know what, I sense a wall coming up. I sense a wall coming. It's like one of those garages with it. They close from the bottom and the top. You know what, like one of those elevators you get in, doors, doors are coming, walls, walls. I like that Derinda in this episode was a little sloppy. She was like a little drunk. And that voice when she's sloppy is hilarious, because it adds like a thick tongue into your car. It's weird, like funnel voice. I love it. I really like Derinda and I can't wait to see you next week when she rips people in new asshole. Well, I loved, I loved seeing how mad Luan was getting, because she was, she was just getting livid. She was like, she's like Ramona, get back here so I can choke you myself. She says, my favorite, I think my favorite Luan insult of the season was, I'm going to stick Ramona's face in the caviar. I can't even say it. I can't even say it as well with the amount of venom that she's at. She's trying to pass up like a joke, but she wants to do, she wants to stick it in that caviar and just let her drown in a caviar bath. So it's going to be some weird fight with Ramona and Luan that no one cares about, because we've seen enough of those two stupid fights, but you got to love classic Ramona. Though guys come back in, they're not even barely talking about it anymore. Ramona's like, oh, so there. So why don't you say some nasty things about John? Why don't you talk about how you never want to sit on a bus next to Fat John? Go ahead, Luan. Go ahead. She said that. She said that. It's like, oh my gosh. Oh, gosh. And then John said, do we have a problem? Do we have a problem here? What's the problem, huh? What's the problem, John, now? Sorry, it was all John problem. Okay, good. That's not John. How else are you supposed to breathe without your mouth? How about, how about let's go to, let's go to that club afterwards. What's that club called? We got, I forgot. I forgot his name. How I was so drunk there last time. Well, when I come to the bathroom, I'll sweaty. What was he pushing out in there? He came back in like, hey, what are you talking about? We got to grab on me. Well, who's the name of that singles club they would go to again? I forgot. Um, I don't know. The snap old snatch. I'm going to get up. The last one is New York City singles club. I forgot who's gone. I had some really dumb name. Oh, well, I can't remember it. I'll have to just search. To kind of use things. It's called boutique, boutique. To kind of ease, ease things. Ramona stands up and gets her own speech and she's like, hi, I'd like to give a speech. My name is Ramona and I'd like to give a speech and I'd like to say to Rinta, I don't care how fat is stupid. It's disgusting. Your boyfriend is if you're happy with him. I'm happy for you. I mean, look at me. I'm happy for someone with a fat disgusting part of a boyfriend. So, yay, me. I did it. Look at me. I'm happy for Dorinda. Congratulations to Rinta on being with a loser. Toasted Dorinda for being a loser. And everyone's like, cheers. By the way, you have to admit, though, thinking about it now, Ramona brought a date to that dinner party. Believe it or not. And if you think about it, for these women to be calling her out and be like, you know, you've changed so much, you become like a good person finally in front of like a date. That's like mortifying. I didn't think about that until just right now. That is so underhanded. I was going to say it's all been on TV, but I'm sure I hope that guy doesn't watch Bravo. He seems like he knows, he knows, and it looks like next week. Um, there's going to be a scandal where he apparently had hooked up with Mario's mistress. Oh, yeah, they're passing that girl in the Hamptons around like an hors d'oeuvres. Yeah, but now here's a little sub thing. So my DVR always records, like, watch what happens. They are being sneaky. They like, they added on to the episode recording, so I get like an hour and a half. So it recorded watch what happens, which I never watch. But for some reason I watched this, the one that was attached to this episode and Bethany was the interviewer. Did you happen to see this? No, she was taking over for Andy or what? She interviewed Andy. So I would have loved to see that, actually. What did she ask him? I'll talk about it very briefly. First of all, it was actually really interesting because Andy was being what I feel like real Andy is like in a sense. I actually believe all of it's real Andy, but I feel like this is more of like the day to day Andy. No, it's not because the real Andy's actually super fun. I heard him on the Jim Moore podcast and he was a great interview. He's really cool, actually. No, no, yeah. It was really good. And by the way, I should add, I think I've mentioned it before, but my dad was reading Andy Cohen's book, which cracked me up. And he called yesterday to give me an update that he finished the book. And he was like, so I get it. Apparently there's this watch what happened show. Now I get why your show is called Watch for Crapin. It was like, yes, thanks. So anyway, so it was kind of funny because the way they set it up, this watch what happens up so Andy Cohen, the music is serious, like they were interviewing Theresa and Joe again. And he's like, this time, normally I'm the one doing the interviewing as if he's Diane Sawyer. And he's like, but this time I'm even the hot seat and Bethany's going to interview me. And I'm like, okay, well, this will be a nice narcissistic half an hour. But it was actually really interesting. Bethany did ask some good questions. I would have liked more questions. I wish we could have asked some questions. And I wouldn't, to be honest, I wouldn't have asked questions like, Andy, you're such a sh*tster, why you always smiling whenever someone's like in pain, why you ask people about their boobs. Because we all know why he is a sh*tster. And he's even professed to it. He said he likes that. So I mean, as much as we, as much as we give him sh*t and we give him the crappy every year for worst Bravo Liberty, he, he owns up to it. He knows what he's doing. So we really can't be that mad at him for it. But he was pretty forthright. He talked. Bethany asked him, does he think that these shows break up marriages? And he said he thinks it accelerates bad marriages. And then they show a clip of Tamra Barney. It was like a clip of her unwatch what happens with her hand on Andy's knee and like crying and be like, Andy, I have to thank you so much. Because without the show, I never would have left Simon. I was like, okay, well, this is a little masturbatory, but okay. Um, she asked, she asked Bethany asked, I'm doing good for the world. I'm doing good. Let's ask, let's cut to Russell. It's like a chandelier. It's like a flesh chandelier in the living room. It's nice work, buddy. Um, Bethany asked Andy, which, which housewives and their, which housewives and which housewives husbands he would sleep with. Andy said he would sleep with Apollo. So, obviously the two of us are bottom, bottom, bottom. And then, um, he said he would sleep with Joanna Krupa. He would not. Yeah, I know. Then he said that the New York housewives email the most, like she asked which one's email on the most. And he says the New York housewives email the most, which I totally believe. I believe they talked the most. They email the most. Could you imagine those emails? Forward. Did you see what she said to me? Andy? Did you see what she said to me? Andy? Yeah, that's. And then he said that Teresa Judas's fans are really vigilant, like they're tough. And he said a lot of other things. But you know, if you have a chance, if you can find it, it's worth watching. It's, it's, it's not a, it was, it's pretty fun. And Cindy C posted a really funny thing on our Facebook that was a tweet to Andy. And it said, um, your tweets are all, or your, your ratings are down for New York. Andy, I guess Bethany didn't help your show. I guess Bethany didn't bring your show back to life. And he tweeted back. Actually, our ratings are almost double what they were last year. We're popping champagne. And then he, the next three, then he wrote right back and said, Oh, wait, am I talking to a former housewife? Hi. Yeah, because apparently this is Jill Zarin. And she only retweets other Jill Zarin things, you know, shut up, Jill Zarin. Oh, and I found out one of our Jill Zarin, the episode after we interview, one of the episodes where after we interviewed Jill, no, no, it's when she was watching what happens live. And then she had a secret tape recorder and he got all pissed off. She was like trying to sell her own recorded version of the interview, like the unedited version to magazines and blogs were like, yeah, we don't pay for stuff. Sorry, it's the Internet, bitch. But she couldn't sell it. Anyway, we did a whole whole watch with Crap-ins based on that episode. And it's gone. It's some, it's, I guess, with the old server or something. Jill Zarin broke our podcast. Andy also said, by the way, that his favorite moment in all the history of housewives was the season one Atlanta reunion, when Kim Zolciak told the tale of having not cancer. And it's really funny because over the course of this podcast, while we've been recording, a friend of mine, like a very close friend of mine, last week was diagnosed with cancer. And so I was like, oh shit, this suck. Oh my God, this, I mean, it's like, it's scary. And then he texted in the middle of our podcast to say that he was misdiagnosed and he has no cancer. So I was like, Kim Zolciak. Oh my God. But there's a difference between being afraid that you might have cancer versus acting told you have cancer. So, I mean, I'm sorry. I mean, I'm sorry. You just had some undigested taco when your spleen search started to scare you. Hope you didn't give everything away. Hey, when that happens. Thanks. So I'm very, I'm very happy for my friend. So, but congratulations on not cancer. I mean, it's a whole new disease. You know, all you have to do is watch Bravo to know that not cancer is an actual thing now. You know, Kim Zolciak started something. Yeah, you know what? And by the way, I feel so sad for myself that the very first thing I think of as Kim Zolciak. When my friend says, there's no cancer. And I think not. Oh, thank God. I think, Oh, just like Kim Zolciak. I mean, not cancer has has dwarfed cancer. I mean, now we have a real cancer storyline and we're like, man, it's not not cancer. Suck it up. I know. Although again, the difference is that my friend was actually diagnosed with cancer. So it was as opposed to someone who was afraid they were going to be diagnosed with cancer, which is basically me every 10 weeks. Yeah, I'm a cancer survivor. I just want to tell you that so far. I'm not having cancer. All right, let's move on to southern charm. Actually, I'm going to press stop to make sure this saves a whole lot on everybody. Don't worry. It's not mad. It's not mad. Okay, after that one second, we're back. Okay, so let's move on to southern charm. So wait, this is the end of southern charm for the season season finale and it was such a good season finale. I loved it. And are they going to have a reunion again? Yes. Oh, they're okay. Good, good, good. So we're not totally done with it. No, we have a reunion next week, but it's one of those cheap reunions where everyone cramps into the watch what happens to the studio. Oh, that's lame. Does no one watch that show? No, I think people do watch it, but I just guess they don't give them a proper. They don't give them a proper reunion studio. I don't know, I don't know why marriage medicine gets like, you know, crystal chandeliers and draperies and southern charm. They're in folding chairs. Yeah, he's like, you're already rich. Build your own studio. Yeah, exactly. It's probably works. Okay, so we open with this setting on southern charm. Five baby showers. Craig got so drunk, he wore horizontal stripes. Catherine lost 50 pounds in two weeks and landing. She just has no class. She has no class. Whitney watched porn and dated a teenage Dutch chick and then tried to convince everyone he still had a sex drive by naming a shitty bandry knob. Yeah, Jesus. So anyway, the show opens where Patricia is monitoring the placement of a plate on her wall. By the way, if you're hearing sirens, I believe that MJ may have fallen out of her bed in a slider induced coma because she lives across the street. Anyway, sorry. I always heard there was a hot dog on a stick in town and she tripped jumping out of bed to find it. Her ankle will be broken for a while. Sorry. I always feel like I have to explain that for new listeners. They're like, why do you say that MJ? Why do you keep my every time you're annoyed as you say there's a delivery of something for MJ? It's because she actually lives directly across the street. We're factoid of our podcast. See that's something. Stop vibes. We just have MJ stand outside and really tight neon green zebra print to a car stop. Yeah, a lot of car accidents outside. So, um, so Patricia's once again doing something crafty and homemade. You know, it's funny. She does nothing but do scrapbooks and decorate things. She's sort of like a, like a little, little old lady, you know, as much as she likes to be sophisticated and have her martinis. She's just like a little old lady goes like Michael's, you know. And they gave her a lot of screen time because it was the last one. So they just asked her shit and you can kind of see why she doesn't have screen time because they're like, so why do you decorate so much? She's like, well, I would describe my decor as probably great ants that have died and left stuff behind. They put on the wall or I love teapots. I like, I like how she described her style is I like antiques and discreet collections. I get discreet collection. This is not just a collectible. You can't even see it. It's hiding. Come out here, little glass elephant and say hello to the cameras. No, discreet. Have I shown you my discreet collection of pet corpses in the backyard? It's buried under some dirt. Well, nothing says discreet like burying it. I like that she was with that old man who's just like her, but as a man who looks like he's on a detective show on the BBC. I was like, what do you want to do? He is the full most decorator in the South. Some people bring books of fabric swatches. He's given me 37 doilies to model my bedroom after. It's who scooter spires me. What's his name again? Cooper. Two Cooper spires to be an old, an old, foppish gay hanging plates in a lady's home. I like, I also like when Patricia starts talking about Katherine and God, there's a lot of, oh, here comes an ambulance. The ambulance is coming and chase on the floor with a broken ankle and still trying to eat a fucking skinny cow choking. Someone give this girl 50 cc is a bacon fat step. Mm hmm, stat. At least it's not a gardener. I mean, at least that's a real emergency. What are the weeds have an emergency? So I love how Katherine as usual starts going in. I'm sorry. Patricia starts going in as usual about Katherine and Wendy is talking about her like screaming at him again in Georgia. And I like how she's Patricia just goes, we call them psychotic episodes. I love it. She's so cheap. I love how openly sexist Patricia is against other women. It's like she's not a self hating woman. She's like an other hating woman. What the hell? She's like, Oh, here's Whitney. We were just talking about Thomas Ravenel and how his political career was derailed by some trumpet. Like, no, maybe it was derailed by him dating a teenager, getting her pregnant, not marrying her and then breaking up with her on Facebook. Like, why is it her fault? Yeah, exactly. But I love the old man because he's like, you've got tape on your pants. Oh, it's a zipper. Those trousers look like a cheap hotel. No ballroom. No ballroom. You ever been into one of those? A hotel without a ballroom? What are the gay people make people bring dates to? Me female dates to this this this these pants look to me like us like a robbed cemetery. No bone. Why is Patricia get dressed like Jurassic Park for the gay years? It looks like a gay jungle. She's wearing a glitter jungle. She's dressed like all four of the golden girls combined. She's got some blanch in her. She's like, you know, she just wants to build Illinois so that way she can say she's going to go out to it. Girls, let's go out to the line. Let's get some cheesecake. Like, I can totally imagine Patricia walking out of her bedroom and sauntering out the way Blanche does in the opening credits and Rose and Dorothy looking at her. She basically was like, she's cake. How pedestrian. Oh Blanche, what a trumpet. Dorothy, why don't you shut your mouth? Lady shouldn't talk like that. I think Rose is having what we call a psychotic episode. Um, why would you date someone named Miles? It sounds like junk mail I get from the airline companies trying to get me to sign up for a credit card. I'm never going to St. Olaf. I'll tell you that much. I don't like it. I don't like it. I do not like St. Olaf. Taka. Um, so was that all that happened in that scene? Yeah, pretty much. So then I think we saw land. Right? Did we move? You saw land and movie? Hello, mother. I've come for you to talk shit about people 50 years younger than me. That was my friend circle. It was a little later though, but I think, uh, now the next thing is the normal guy. That's why you skipped over it in your brain. It's the normal guy who's like, Thomas, here's what I don't understand. Where's the old Thomas? The new Thomas has a baby and he's running for offices. The old Thomas got me good coke. I miss the old Thomas. Come back Thomas. Thomas is like, well, you know. Oh, babies. Thomas is saying I don't even listen to Thomas. I just like that they showed nice friend one last time. They're like, hey guy who does nothing want to smoke a cigar. He's like, she doesn't have coconut. Nope. All right, then. I feel like Jade, JD, the nice friend. I'm not convinced that he's actually nice, but he's at least stable and has this shit together. I kind of feel like he's one of those. He's definitely the most good old boys of them all. He's such a good old boy. Good old boy that it like it hurts and yet I love it. Let's just sit out here and talk about your man problems while we smoke big, manless cigars and think about the times when we had cocaine. And Thomas is like, you know, this is very serious. It's like Julia Roberts said in steel magnol his 30 minutes of something wonderful and then something not very special. I've never heard that quote. Don't remember that quote and can't remember anybody remembers that quote. But good for you for putting in a steel magnolia's reference because they also have it's a cup of cup of cup or why is she dancing. It looks like two pigs fighting under a blanket or here hit wheezer. I mean, why would you choose that one? Thomas, why are you quoting Julia Roberts? Like, why do you quote her? Why don't you quote me? Like, I don't like this. Like, does she give you advice? Does she tell you what to do? Thomas? Like, I don't like it. I don't like it at all. I like Julia Roberts. I really do. But Thomas is always asking the television for advice when one of her films is on. Like, I'm a pretty woman. Like, why does he ever call me a pretty woman? Why is he only called Julia Roberts a pretty woman? Oh, there's so much there. There's so much there. I should be his best friend. So why is he going to his best? Why is Julia his best friend and why are they going to the wedding together? Like, I'm his best friend. I'm the one who gave up everything for him to be his best friend. I'll tell you one thing I'm not going to do. Run away, bride. I'm not giving up. I won't be a runaway, bride. That's for sure. I never saw the sequel to that film. I don't know that it worked out. I wasn't approving of Julia Roberts staying with that man. I want to know who Erin Brockovich is and why he spends so much time with her on his campaign. Dirty water. And then we get the most romantic thing that Thomas has ever said. He's like, well, you know, I just really miss Catherine. I mean, her red hair, her physicality, her boobs, the way her butt moves when she comes down the stairs. One time she burped after eating a Cheeto and her boobs still looked good. I mean, what woman does that? Like, do you have anything to say besides you want to fuck this girl? Like, that's all he says. Yeah. Wow, it's just beyond the fur. I might have made the wrong decision. Look at her in that fur. I gave her from my dead aunt Vivian, who was 500 pounds for a tent. No one can wear a fur tent like my Catherine. Except for JD, he wears it well too. So then we move on to Landon's pop-up shop. Is this a lovely talk with her mother? Okay, we know you're moving ahead. Did I skip? A lot. I did? Yes. What are those skipping? Well, first we have Patricia. We meet Patricia's gays, her gay friends, who come in who want to do a... Oh, this is after Landon's pop-up shop. How dare you? Her mom doesn't come. I guess it was a setup for the pop-up shop. And I'm writing every single thing that happens down. Okay, sorry. Well, I mean, there was a scene with Landon. It was a small scene. And the only thing, the only note I took from that scene was when she was talking about Catherine, because now she hates Catherine. She's like, like, Catherine? Like, you're a joke. I'm like, ooh, I love Shady Landon. I thought she said, "Dear joke," like she was writing a letter. Yeah, I like that. But, so what was the reason why I'm mentioning the gay guys who, these mega power gay fundraisers... Older rich guy and young, hot bodied guy without a shirt. So here's a confession about, like, I came about a year and a half ago, two years ago. I used to follow the younger one on Instagram. Before I didn't know he was a power gay or anything. I just was one of those things. I don't even know how I found him on Instagram. But he's got, like, a hot bodied and everything. And so I used to follow him just to look at him. And then I would see the other guy, two in his pictures. And his Instagram was so awful. It was so beyond narcissistic. It would be, like, three pictures of him shirtless in a row from, like, slightly different angles. And, like, it's one of those things where you start, you follow it at first because he's so hot. But then the narcissism starts to become too much. I was like, "Oh my God, this guy is awful." And basically he was just like, you know, he was just like... I think he posted a link to some article where he was profiled or whatever. And he basically was like a college student at the older guy, plugged out, you know, found him when he was in college and then they... Literally. Yeah, well, you know he's an asshole because one of the ways this scene starts is, "Well, I'm so glad you took the time to see us. We were just in New York having lunch with Hillary." And she's like, "Clinton." And they're like, "Yes, which I know might not be popular here in Charleston." "Oh, Hillary, I just asked her about pant suits and what she likes for orders." I was like, "Shut up, you were some fucking fundraiser. Shut up. You have lunch with Hillary's stupid, filthy, stupid face." That guy is, like, very wealthy and well-off, et cetera. But it was funny to me. I'm sure why the hell else would Hillary have lunch with him? No, but it was also very funny to me. I know it was funny that he would, like, he would brag about that. Not brag, but, like, that's his opener. "Oh, we just had lunch with Hillary." And, of course, it's so funny. Everyone there is, like, fully clothed. And the one guy who I said is totally a narcissist on Instagram. He's there literally just wearing tiny, tiny little bathing suit. Just like, of course he is, of course. And not even in the sun. Like, you're not going to get an old lady who's vagina stopped working in a revolutionary war. You're not going to get her pocketbook with your chest, okay? She doesn't care. Yeah. I mean, if you want to do anything, make her a decent drink. You'll get her money. Yeah, that just really cracked me up. Know your audience, honey. Oh, man. So then we just had lunch with hell. Yeah. And then, so then they decided they're going to plan a fundraiser. And for returning veterans. Yeah. I've been traced back to the revolutionary war. We need to do more for our return invents. Like, make them listening to Whitney's shitty boner band. I mean, what, what way to thank your God for keeping you alive throughout the war? Then listening to terrible music played by a 45 year old man who won't grow up with hair sewn on. It's like, congratulations, you survived Iraq. Now you get to listen to Renob and Kelsey Bellarini. Now, who's rooting for Iraq, be honest? We'll, we'll go back. We'll go back now. So, so then we have a scene where Catherine goes to this place. It's like the Charleston school for being a domestic wife. When she's like, you know, I'm like, I'm not going to give up on Thomas. Like, I'm going to be the best wife to him that I can possibly be. It's like, Catherine, give up the dream. He's an asshole to you. Okay. First of all, he dumped you. So it's over. Second of all, he's bad for you. And you've said to a million times, don't do this thing where, okay, you're going to bend over backwards for your fur man. No, find someone who truly appreciates you and appreciates your shitty cooking and takes you for who you are. Okay, Catherine? I guess, but I mean, in her defense, she's going to be a single mom now. You've got to try a little harder. You've got to learn some new tricks. You've got to learn what a parsnip is. Yeah. You know what this is? Yeah, when you make these parsnips, I mean, the good thing about cooking is you start cooking and you start thinking. And Catherine's like, oh my God, that's happening to me right now. I'm thinking and reflecting. I'm thinking about things. Like, I was just like, I'm having some real deep thoughts. I'm like, did you know that there's such a thing as white carrots? Oh my God, I'm holding one right now. I feel like I've been so ignorant. If only I'd served Thomas a parsnip. He'd have been like, thanks, Catherine, for educating me on different type of vegetables. You can be my wife now. I loved her saying she gets this whole ugly potato looking, yoda looking parsnip. And she's like, this is what my relationship looks like right now. Vaney, hairy in the wrong places. I don't even know what it's supposed to taste like anymore. She's like, okay, enough cooking. We're done. We're done. We're done. Wow, that was such good reflecting. It's like I can see myself in this parsnip because I'm reflecting. I love Thomas so much and I want this to work out. And he promised me things. He promised me to take care of me and a car and an Applebee's gift card. I haven't gotten nothing from Thomas and I'm going to make him pay. But I do love him and I hope it works out. I'm going to make him pay. It's like make up your mind. Are you like vindictive bitch who's going to get a free Kia or are you like in this for the long haul? Come on. Yeah, she's like, yeah, no, she's like, he broke every single promise he made to me. Which is why I'm so determined to go back to him and have a great marriage. You can lie to me. You can lie to me on the Bluetooth system in my Kia. Well, honey, those things look just like Lexus is. I mean, so the name takes different. Who cares? He's so right. Last time I checked, I still didn't have that bag of sun chips. He promised me so I'm going to get that. That's for sure because he's going to be my husband. I have sun chips every single day. I went to Thomas's election night to show him that no matter what, I'm supportive. Oh, is that what that was? You being supportive? Oh, okay. Thickness and in health. Is that the way it goes? Thickness and health in death. In death and scariness, I will be your support. I do. In 95% or 3% of the vote, I'm with you. I learned that while I was cutting up a parsnap. And then we got a scene of Cameron, like, she's talking to her friend because Cameron's never really doing anything except commenting. They're like, Cameron, it's the last episode. You might want to have a scene with somebody. I'm like, "Oh, well, come on, girlfriend over. Hey, girlfriend with a huge diamond on your ring." The camera kept looking at this huge diamond. And the friend's like, "Well, don't you want a baby?" And she's like, "No, hey, babies are disgusting. I'm having some goddamn baby. That is gross." I mean, that's worse than having a dirty room. If you think dirty rooms are bad, wait until you see what your room looks like. Dirty room is greater than dirty room. It's like having Craig living in your womb, all sorts of junk left all over the place. That junk is a baby, and then you have to get it out. This baby is not studying for the bar. I'm worried about this baby. He left his underwear on the floor of my womb. Somebody get me another Krispy Kreme. I'm going to have a donut baby. So then finally is the scene you've been waiting to talk about when Landon's mom shows up. And they walk through her new house. My mom made my mom's relationship. It's not like normal people. It's like civilized. We're not like, "I mean, she's my mom." And then her mom comes in and she's like, "No, it's gait." I'm going to love this. And Landon's like, "Yeah, because in the war, you had to give away your gait because they were making bullets out of them to shoot black people. And these people didn't give away their gait, so they kept it. And they were noticed traitors. But I mean, no black people got in. So I mean, it's a win-win." Cooper's like a organized competition. Let us burn down Landon's house for what it stood for in the civil war. We cannot abide by these traitors. People defenders of black people and gays. You can tell a lot by looking at a gait. And one thing I know is that there was a lot of give me a break going on and that has after school. I will not stand for this. Give me a break. Now I know what it takes because I'm Cooper. And I am the most self-loathing gay in Charleston. Two, two, seven, the unluckiest numbers in the world. Well, I'm moving on up to the house with a gait. And I say, these are not good times at all. I still can't get my suits dry, clean. So anyway, by the way, the house, Landon didn't buy it. She's just renting it, I believe. But it's actually an amazing house and it's also way too big for one girl. And I would be scared because that staircase is straight out of every single mature thriller I've seen. That's a staircase that someone gets thrown off of. That is. That's like that movie where they were trying to get roommates. And then the roommate started to kill them all. What was that movie? Yeah, I remember it was the Nina Samos song and those stairs. Oh, well, there's an Ian McKellen shallow grave, there was a movie, a shallow grave where there was like a crazy staircase like that also. Or like any of the omen movies. It's just like, that's a staircase that involves death. That's like a death staircase. And by the way, Landon is so hard moving, moving herself. Like new girl, just trying to start over new big empty house with ghosts from the Civil War and a scary staircase. Like she is doing the conjuring to herself. I don't need to lock my door around Charleston. She's like, there's a ghost in here. There they go. It's like shut up. I'm trying to scare you. I know I'm very scared. No, you're laughing. I'm scared. You're not scared. They're like, who is this crazy bitch? I'm leaving. The ghost came into my room, but at least it paid attention to me. I'm like my husband. So then the mom's like, not stairs. This would look much better with her husband on them. But I guess you're fine walking up them alone. Yeah. So Landon's mom clearly disapproves of everything because she can't even put a proper spin on everything without sending so totally awkward. Her mom's like, oh, so now you're doing these pop ups. That's fine. Pop up, you know, because, you know, it's like a, I like those pop up books. You know, turn the page and pops up and then it goes away. And yeah, yeah. I'm like, oh, that was a real awkward attempt. Yeah, pop up books start disappearing. I mean, what the fuck kind of household was this? The mom's like, you know, you open those books and then those things pop up and then they disappear forever. No. Like what pop up left you? Like then the book was never opened up again. Okay. Because then you have to pop up. Because once you're done reading the pop up book, then you have to start getting married. Okay. Well, you know, after you're reading to me when I left my husband, she's like, well, you know how hard that was on me. I know. I know what this woman. She was amazing. But then I didn't want to run from your daddy. That's what we do. We put up with men's shit. Welcome to being a woman. Now, when you're ready to be a real woman, come in. I got some terrible men to pawn off on you. Like Jesus. Seriously. But they did actually the scene did end on a nice note where it seemed like the mom was like understanding and then they cried and hugged and I was like, oh, Landon. And her mom's like, wow, maybe if you hugged your husband like that, he'd still be here. They squashed in some books somewhere that no one's going to open ever again. This is so hard on me, Landon. How hard is for me to hug you when I disapprove of everything you do? So then it's time for the big fundraiser featuring up and coming country at Kelsey Ballerini. Mom thought it would be a good idea to get some of my rock star friends out. Shut up, Whitney. I know. Hey, man. Hey, man. Hey, man. Say, oh, I got my here. Never mind. You just get them saying, man, all the time. Hey, bra, you know, Rinaab is backwards. Yeah, totally. You guys, you guys warm up. I'm going to go watch some porn because my penis still works. Okay. Tell your friends, guys. Tell your friends. Oh, god. So they're getting ready and Whitney and Craig are going to be auctioned off. Yeah, they both. So they're going to be in like a bachelor auction. Love this show. I love the fights on this show. They're so stupid. First of all, both these guys look dumb. Craig, Craig almost looked right. But then he had these ridiculous shoes on and then right pants that he stole from that fashion show. Yeah, exactly. Notice those were those root, those red gay pants from his everything is red. Fashion show. It's like old Charleston when blacks and gays were not allowed to speak. And I would have been so proud to be amongst those non-speaking gays. Because not one of those gays or black people would be able to say out loud. Why is he wearing a red suit in the middle of summer? The horror. His Cooper's like, I like designing all my clothes red because it reminds me of the blood shed amongst the slaves. It's a good old glory day as a Charleston. Oh, God. We are, by the way, making fun of that when you're not endorsing it. So anyway, so this is, so, and then chef is dressed. I mean, chef normally looks cute in his own frumpy way, but he was looking really ridiculous. He pulled out some sort of suede bullshit that Craig rightly, rightly compared to George Bush. And I was like, okay. Well, so anyway, so they go to this fundraiser and it turns out both of them are into Kelsey Ballerini. They're like, oh, hey, look at that Kelsey Ballerini singing up there. I know I'm doing Cooper voice, but I can't get out of it. Once you go Cooper, you'll never get it in your pooper. So, because that should be illegal because in the glory days of Charleston, it sure was illegal and we all want to live in the glory days of Charleston. So, so I wasn't going to say. So anyway, they both chef and Craig are like into Kelsey Ballerini, which is sort of exciting. But then we know it's going to go to a real pissy, whiny state, right? Because they both like the same girl. So then it's time for the auction. Craig is up first and Kelsey Ballerini actually bids $1500 on him. And it's like, oh my god, Kelsey Ballerini likes Craig. And then the narcissistic gay guy, he then bids $5000 on him. So then Kelsey bids $500 on him. And I'm just going to be honest here. I don't know of any up and coming musician that's going to blow $500 on a date. Clearly she was given the money. Clearly either the gay, given money or the producers were like here. We'll just pay for it. Just bid whatever you want to bid. Or it was tax season. She's like, I have given nothing to anybody. My taxes are huge. Is there anyone with a hairless ass? I can give some money to you and get a tax break. Craig, Craig will do it. Oh man. Is Kelsey Ballerini like, is she struggling with too much income? Is that what you're saying? Too many record sales for Kelsey Ballerini. Oh, I'm saying you get tax breaks for charity and that's charity. That's true. That is charity in many senses of the word. That's why rich people are all like, I have my own foundation. It's called me.com. We help poor people. Except that I'm richer than them. That's not the charity. Kelsey Ballerini foundation for the photo meant to clear the hair and bachelors. So anyway, so I love that chap immediately gets jealous. He's like, what? That's so dumb. Look how big his head's getting. His head's getting so big. I don't get it. You're so stupid. I know. I'm doing like Southern Reza. That's so Persian. That's so stupid. I hope you enjoy your stupid free-balling point, jerk. I hope that that country star doesn't wear any underwear. So it's the first time in your life that you get a boner or whatever. I'm going out of 10 without you. Bye, stupid. I love how the guys on the show fight feel like you're dumb. You're dumb. No, fuck you, man. You're stupid. Oh, you're dumb. It becomes like 1950s, like Sheps Light. 1950s, 13-year-olds. They're like, gosh, why would anyone like him? Jeez, he's so dumb. Gosh, golly. I hate him. God, he's so annoying. Gosh, gosh. No, Lassie, I don't want to talk right now, all right? I'm in the middle of being mad. Yeah. That's a good part. So then Shep goes up there and all he gets is like 1750 pity bid from Cameron. But I want to say something here though. If it had not been for the hot gay guy fucking with them all, Craig would have sold for $1,500. So really Shep, I think technically might have actually won that one. It's just that the gay guy went in there just to raise more money for Cheryl. Well, I mean, you can't say like they only won because they scored a basket at the last second. It still counts. It's true. I know. I'm assuming that's how it happens. The thing is that I like Shep and I dislike Craig. So I was trying to give Shep some points. Well, Craig's definitely-- You're right. I know. You know, Shep's the one you marry. Craig's the one you masturbate to. Yeah, but I mean, but that being said, Shep is being a total baby about the whole thing. Although I have this theory about why Shep is being so pissy is that it's not about the bachelor auction. It's that somewhere along the way, they just think that Craig is like really cocky and but they haven't really addressed it. I mean, even though they say he's so cocky, so cocky, they're probably with some incident that happened three months ago. That rubbed Shep the wrong way or Cameron and it's been festering inside of them and it's manifesting in this way. Because you know when you have like a when you when someone annoys you, then everything they do just drives you nuts. Yes. That's obviously what's happening here. Also, it's a bravo and you really don't need to be a woman anymore to be a real housewife. And these men know how to do it now. It's like Lou Wern. She'll hate Carol forever for making fun of her not being a real countess or something or like trying to get a dress from her friend. No matter what happens, no matter if Karen, if Carol comes up with a cure for cancer, Lou Wern would be like, oh God, some princess. What is she a doctor? Oh, that's great. That's great. Have fun being a doctor. Well, I just I just love Shep just going on and on and on and on and on. He's so stupid. Look how big his head is. Why is he acting like that? Like, look at him. Look at him smiling. He's smiling. Look at him breathing. He's breathing. These are so cool because he can breathe. Like, guess what? We all have lungs. Show it off. And me while Thomas is inside, like, I'd love to go see Catherine who just walked in in a burtain, but I've got to sign autographs for these. Like, I know. You know, he's like 1% of the population, you know, I'm a 1% they're not rich, but they're the people who voted for me. I'm going to run for Senator of this battleship. Um, why does by the way, why does Catherine always show up so massively late? She always shows up, like, it always seems like 3 hours late. I don't know if that's just the producers or she just is one of those people that shows up massively late. Because it's like everything. She's making an entrance. Yeah, she certainly does. You know, like last time when she made an entrance and then walked right in front of the mic stand in a huff to be supportive. So I love that she shows up and this is like the worst quality in a couple like this. They fight, they fight, they fight, then as revenge, she gets dressed up and looks amazing because she's beautiful. So then Thomas is like, well, you know, it's hard for me to ignore that. What can I say? I'm weak. By the way, a great thing you want to say as a politician. What can I say? I tried to stand for what I believed in, but I'm weak. That's great. Listen, I'm going to try and bridge bit. I'm going to try and build bridges and schools and new water filtration plants. But if there's some ass in my way, I just want to say right now, I'm not doing anything. Okay. But for me, Thomas, right now. Well, I said I wanted a smaller government and Hillary Clinton said she wants a bigger government. And well, I saw that pants. You didn't. What can I say? We just had lunch with her. She loves pants. She told us. She told us. So he's basically horny for cats. He's basically like, she wants to bake a teenager. So he's like, so he's smiling. I'm like, oh fuck, he can go back to her. But meanwhile, Shep and Cameron have now gone out to some balcony or not balcony, some deck on this, on this ship. They're continuing to bitch. They're like, gosh, Craig's, Craig's head's just going to keep getting bigger and bigger and bigger. And then in the most amazing turn of events, Craig comes walking out to talk to them and he just bops his head on the tour frame. And he's like, oh, dudes. And she's like, look at you. You hit your head. Stupid. It's because your head's too big. Idiot. You're an idiot. Who'd pay $5,000 to be with you? Stupid, dude. It grows your boner. Who does that? Who hits their head on a door frame? You're so dumb. Yeah, you're dumb, dude. I'm so embarrassed to be friends with you. And then meanwhile, Patriches inside, did you see Catherine pattern in a mink? It's rude to go somewhere y'all invited to. I know those veterans, they just hate charity. It's like, how dare you show up at a charity event to give charity to fallen soldiers in that disgusting trumpet of a coat. Even that mink was a trumpet. Having another one of what I like to call a psychotic episode. She didn't bring anything to donate to the military except for a bunch of pasta nets. I don't know what those have to do with anything. I brought the pasta. It's because this way, everyone can reflect on what everyone's done for the military and for the country. This person, it promised me a key on the way over. His name is Gary. Gary said he'll never leave me. He's always trying to get old and wrinkly. I don't understand. Why is Gary doing that? So then Catherine and Thomas sit down and Thomas is like, at first he's all over. He's touching her ass. He's like, "You look wonderful." And then they're like, "We've got to figure this out." And she's like, she wants him to say, "Let's get married." Which is like the most illogical thing that would happen at this moment. And he's like, "I think that what we should do is have custody of whatever Kinsey and what we'll do is then work on us." And she's like, "So do you want to keep on dating?" The parsnips didn't say you were going to say that. The parsnips said we're getting married. He's like, "No, we need to work on this." So then she gambles and she loses because she says, "No." She's like, "I want more of a commitment." It's either all in or all out. So he's like, "Alright, see ya bitch. I'm all out." And he's gone. She's like, "Tommy's don't like me." My favorite thing of the entire season that they show on every clip of this show. Tommy's come back, Tommy. It was one of the most sad and pathetic moments for humankind. I'm like, "Lady, he not only dumped you. He's treated you bad. Like, you shouldn't go back to him because A, he dumped you." But B, even when you're together, he treats you badly. Like, have some self respect. You're a beautiful young woman. She's crazy. It's not like she's totally innocent in this. Some young girl went and banged some old dude for his money or whatever, his power, his reality show status. I don't know. But she was definitely banging most of those dudes on the show. So she was obviously after something. She contributes 50% of the problems in this relationship. But I'm just saying, if I were talking to her, you know, I can't say to her, "Well, you know, you're half the problem, Catherine. She at the very least needs to see why this will never ever work out." But of course, she also sabotages it because he's like feeling her because he's horny. And she's like, "Well, I can't believe you talked to Whitney and to Jennifer. I can't believe it. Like, why don't you talk to the post-nips? The post-nips have lots of great advice for you. The post-nips think we should be together." Sure, I talked to a post-nip, but I didn't have sex with it one time when I was pregnant. Like, what? I see in your text messages, Thomas. You've been texting my post-nip. Why would you do that? That's my post-nip. My post-nip told me that it told you to lay down some roots. Get it? You know, I was talking to my post-nip, and that's when a lot went off. A lot, bulb. Get it? Thomas wants to talk to the post-nip joke. You know that just black carrots, right? She's way too stupid for that joke. She'd be like, "I'm not eating a bulb. I don't want to die young. I have a baby now." The relationships on this show are all terrible. Mother, son, embarrassing. The friends, kind of bad. The worst, I think, is Whitney and Thomas. Whitney is the worst friend. He tries to ruin Thomas's life on purpose every time they hang out. What kind of friends advice is, "Hey, listen, listen, man, you need to do what's right for the baby and leave her." When did that become normal advice? It's weird because I don't actually disagree with Whitney when it comes to Catherine because those two should not be together. But I think that Whitney comes from a malicious place versus J.D. who comes from Nice Sky Place because he's J.D. You know what I'm saying? Look, your baby needs a chance to redecorate apartment that three ex-wives have lived in. I mean, look how happy it makes my mother. That was awesome. I learned everything. I learned from decorating because one of my husbands had an apartment decorated by the three ex-wives. And that's when I thought figurines, but hidden. Discrete collections. That's what I have. Discrete collections of gays. I did like when Whitney said about Catherine and Thomas, he said, "Listen, my only concern about Thomas going back to Catherine is that he's going to either wind up dead or in jail." Yeah, pretty much. But I think that's probably how he's going to end up anyway. And that has nothing to do with her. I think that's his life trajectory. My club has history. Either way, I actually really enjoyed this season finale. And I really enjoy this show. I love the houses that they live in. And I love their petty squabbles because they're just so super petty. And you know, on the reunion, they're going to be like, "Yeah, bro. It was cool. It was just funny. I was just being a jerk." And we'll still love it. And basically, no one has a story. You know, you're talking about Catherine not having a story. Almost no one has a story. I mean, Whitney does basically nothing. They all just sort of like loaf around and be rich. They also get up in the morning. Like every, I feel like 90% of the episodes, they always show them waking up in the morning and then they also show them getting ready to go to parties. That's their favorite thing on this show is getting up and then getting ready, getting up, getting ready, getting up, getting ready. I was going to mention that because the episode always begins with like jazz and music like, "Dang, dang, dang, dang, dang, dang, dang, dang, dang, dang, dang, dang, dang, dang, dang, dang." And it's always like an alarm clock going off and shut being like, "Ooh!" and Craig going, "Eh," and Cameron be like, "Alright, I'm up now." And Catherine will brush your teeth and be like, "Kenzie." You know, episode one. Welcome to Charleston, home of the alarm clock in the shower and two black people. Come on in! Oh, I love this show. I'm actually saying we didn't have Miles on this episode to talk about it because it was a fun episode that she probably wanted to say things. Miles, if you're out there, we're sorry. And Krista Teigen, you can come out with Miles also. Yeah, Kristy, get over here, Krista. You guys, thank you so much for listening to our podcast. As usual, this show will remain free. Thomas, come back. But if you want bonus content, if you want bonus... If you want us to talk about something in future episodes, you can do one or two things. You can either come to our Facebook page and like us and write on the Facebook page, or you can get yourself a post-nip. It's a post-nip and reflect on it, and then maybe you can send a message to the post-nip. Or you could have your butler write it down during a dinner drink and have a slave bring it over to my house on horseback. Thank you. Yes, but yes, thank you all for listening. I know as Ronnie wraps up this episode, I'm going to go hang a plate on my wall. So, it's a pretty exciting day for me. Don't forget to take Mario something. I mean, not that you care. So this podcast remains free, of course. But if you want to support us, come to patreon.com/watchwatchwatchcrapins. We have a bonus episode every week. We do a Google Hangout every month, and there's ringtones and all sorts of stuff. And also, you just keep us fat and happy. Well, me fat and then happy. What else? We've got Watchwatchcrapins.com, go over there, listen to other listeners. You guys, I know so many commercials are kind of annoying, but we're so excited to have them. So thank you for your patience and thank you for everybody who's advertising with us. I hope you guys buy lots of mattresses. And subscribe to those next issue magazines. Actually, it really is a good deal that next issue thing. So if you are into the magazines, you have any magazines you like, especially like the cooking ones, by the way, you can get like Bon Appetit and all that shit on your tablet. So you guys should look into that. I know I will. I have to cook something this week for dinner party. The future is now-- Totally is. Thomas, get back here. I'm not letting you leave without my next issues and screams. This is not Busy B. I swear, I'm going to get that Busy B scene. And you're going to hear that Catherine is Parker Posey in the show. I swear to God, same exact person. Thank you. Guys, love you. Thanks for everything. We will talk to you next week. Bye. Bye. Say hi to Chrissy Teigen for us. Bye. If you like listening to comedy, try watching it on the internet. The folks behind the sideshow network have launched a new YouTube channel called WaitForIt. It's got interviews with comedians like Reggie Watts, Todd Glass, Liza Schleisinger, and I've been practicing driving friends with it for 10 years. One of the funniest people out there, and I still have a hard time with the last name Liza, our very own Owen Benjamin, that's me, takes you on a musical journey down Internet rabbit holes and much more. You don't have to wait any longer. Just go to youtube.com/waitforaccomedy. There's no need to wait for it anymore, because it's here, and it's funny. And I love you. To the insurance company that did me wrong, I've moved on and happily insured with another. Bless your peep picking heart. It was just never meant to be betwixt us. You gave me automobile insurance apprehension. And Geico has come along in just 15 minutes giving me new car insurance, and made me as duplant as a newborn lamb in springtime. And Paul has given Geico his approval. That's one thing you never had. Joyful with another. Clara May in Colombia. Geico, 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance. If you like Watch what Crap is, you can listen ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey at Wondery.com/survey. I'm Lindsey Graham, host of Wondery Show American Scandal. We bring to life some of the biggest controversies in US history, presidential lies, environmental disasters, corporate fraud. In our latest series, entrepreneur Lou Perlman becomes the mastermind behind two of the biggest pop groups in the world, the Backstreet Boys, and InSync. He also oversees a sprawling business empire that includes a charter jet company, restaurants, and real estate. But Perlman's successful facade crumbles after he's sued by the boy bands for siphoning millions from them. And soon investigators discover that Perlman is keeping his empire afloat through an even more devious scheme. Follow American Scandal on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Experience all episodes ad-free and be the first to binge the newest seasons only on Wondery Plus. You can join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app, Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Start your free trial today.
