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Max has now included with your Dash Pass annual plan, StreamMax with ads up to $120 value included at no extra cost. Terms apply at door-dash.com/maxfor details. Hey, I'm Ryan Reynolds. Recently, I asked Mint Mobile's legal team if big wireless companies are allowed to raise prices due to inflation. They said yes, and then when I asked if raising prices technically violates those onerous to your contracts, they said, "What the f*ck are you talking about? You insane Hollywood s*ck." So to recap, we're cutting the price of Mint Unlimited from $30 a month to just $15 a month. Give it a try at mintmobile.com/switch. $45 up from payment equivalent to $15 per month. New customers on first-three month plan only, taxes and fees extra. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes of detail. Welcome to the 2014 Watch What Crap Is Crap-Y Awards! Please welcome the Crap-It! [music] Please welcome your host Ben Mantleker and Ronnie Carroll! Oh, thank you! -Thank you so much! -Thank you so much! Wow, that was a great opening number. Those women, really, they put a lot of time and effort into that, so we just want to say thank you to all the Crap fans. Thank you, guys. You guys put the Crap-It in the Crap-It. Yeah, you guys, okay? Really good. You guys really good. I'd like to especially thank Evance and Lean, who sent me that note thanking me for hiring fat dancers. I know that that doesn't happen often, but hey, it's the Crap-ys. It's the Crap-ys, we work with what we got. That's right. So, thank you so much for coming to the Crap-Y Awards. We're really excited to be back here. -Yeah, I'm in the shouldn't I have this all year long? -Yeah. This is the hottest ticket in town, and if you are listening, you got the ticket. So, congratulations for making it into our audience. We have a wonderful show for you today. We have some musical numbers by our nominees for Best Song, and we have some special celebrity presenters. And, of course, the hilarious comic stylings of Ronnie Karam from Trash Talk TV.com. -That's right, guys. We'll be here all week. -That's right. I seem to remember last year, Ronnie, you had to sing a song. You actually came up with an opening number, right, for the show. -Yes, but this year I don't need to do that because we already have the Crap-Y Sting song, which was written in 2014 by Mr. Ben Mandelker. -Oh, thank you. Thank you. Even though that wasn't technically a compliment, it was just a reference, but I'm still going to say thank you. [ Laughter ] -Well, I did just pretend it didn't happen like I did the rest of the year. [ Laughter ] -Well, anyway, should we get on with our show? We have a lot of categories. -That's a huge show. -A huge show. -Yes. -The highest honor that a Bravo show or star can receive. And we don't want to keep them in suspense any longer. So why don't we get right to our first category, which is why don't we start with Best Shitty Show? It's all at the bottom of our nomination document. -Okay, Best Shitty Show. Let's do this. -Okay. -The nominations for the Best Shit Show on Bravo. -These are shows that are -- when we say Best Shitty Show, they're like crappy shows that we love. -Yes. They're terrible shows that we watch anyway. -Yes. -Okay, the first nominee is Vanderpump Rules. -Strongly, it's a strong contender. -The second nominee is Game of Crowns. A show about women with horrible plastic surgery being mean to each other and pageants their way to old for... -In rural Connecticut. -In rural Connecticut. The next nomination is Euros of Hollywood. About a bunch of Eurotrash who's mixing in with a bunch of Hollywood trash here in Hollywood, California. Below deck, or as we like to call it, maids on a boat. -Yes. -And Southern Charm, where racism still lives, but it's learned to hide behind Cuervoisier and dinner parties that people fall in the pool, Derek. [ Laughter ] -Hey, man, let's -- -Am I opening -- Am I opening the envelope? -Yeah, do you have your envelope? -Yeah, I do. -Let me hand you the envelope. -Okay, thank you. All right. And the winner -- oh, this is -- I'm torn as to how to read this envelope. I have to say -- -You're not supposed to make it up, you're just supposed to read what's already on the mail. -I know. I'm having trouble reading what's on the envelope. -It's like our 19th Annual Crafties Awards. Do I have to remind you how this whole thing goes? -No, I know how it goes, and I know that, of course, we selected our winners way farther advanced to a very elaborate process. I'm just trying to figure out what the winner is based on what's written inside the envelope. And I think that the best shitty show, the best -- it was close one, because there's stats in this envelope, too. But the winner is Vanderpump Rules. -Oh, congratulations! -There's two shows about -- there's one show that's literally about waiters and then another show about maids. -You know, that's a really rough choice. -You know, this was a very close category, because Game of Crowns was sort of like perfection, absolute perfection. It was one of my favorite bravo shows of all time. But you can't deny the epic quality of Vanderpump Rules season two with everything with Kristen and Jax and in the slap. It was just -- it was too perfect. -And then the slow spiral into hell, that Kristen, of course face number one, is taking. -Yeah, so for that alone, Vanderpump Rules wins. But who knows, Game of Crowns is still up for some other awards down the line, and maybe who knows what it may win. -Okay, well, now that we've had our first award, and we're very, very proud of you, Vanderpump Rules, we're going to have our first musical number of the evening. -Yeah. -And here to sing her beautiful song that was performed this season on "The Shaws of Sunset" is awesome. That lady from "Shaws of Sunset." Awesome. Welcome to the stage. -Yeah, yeah. -Yeah, awesome. -Thank you, everyone, for coming here. -Water, milk, rocks. Water, milk, rocks. Water, milk, rocks. Water, milk, rocks. -What? -Water, milk, rocks. Oh, that was beautiful. -That was amazing. Oh, that really cut to the core of the Persian experience. Thank you, Asa. -Water, milk, and rocks, guys. -Water, milk, rocks. -On "Live Immigration." -Yeah. -What a great, great show. -Okay, what's our next award, Ben? -Well, I'm just going from the bottom of our list up to the top, so I think our next category is husband who's most difficult to fuck. -Well, alright. So, we're going from best you to show it, and now the bravo has been who's most difficult to fuck, the one who you have the hardest time fucking. -Alright, well, who are those nominations, Ben? -Okay, the nominees are David Foster from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. -Wow, now that one's difficult to fuck. Man boobs, turkey neck, and Ollie talks about her his own Grammys. Pretty difficult. -There's Mohammed from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and Shahza Sunset, and several other TV shows who... -Oh, Mohammed, who has florist, leechman face, and a forehead that goes back into the middle of his hair. -And Jody Foster hair. Here's a good one. Harry Dubin from Real Housewives of New York City, Sonya's main squeeze, or was he? -Yeah, that guy looks like chopped hamburger. -Going back to Game of Crowns, Lindiamante's husband, who the optometrist husband. -Yeah, that's... If we have an award for Went Down Hill the fastest from their wedding day until now, that man would have won hands down. -Was he really in such great shape and if it's wedding day, I'm not sure. -He was decently husband. I mean, decently hot, because I remember thinking, "Wow, be careful who you marry." Like, trying to match them as an older person, because you can go downhill very quickly. -Okay, also nominated. Quad's husband. -What is big like this? -He got to stop with the dog, he's deaf, quad. -And then give you some pointy head, quad. -And then finally, our last nominee, our last husband, who's most difficult to fuck, Greg Leaks. -He's very difficult to fuck, because he's like, mindy, and it's hard to get him to put and he needs first down long enough to fucking. -And I think he has back problems, too. -So, Ronnie, will you please open the envelope and tell us who wins? -Okay, give me some drugs. -[snoring] -Did you hear that? Did you hear those drums? -The winner of most difficult to fuck husband goes to David Foster! -Wow, I'm surprised. I thought Harry Dubin was going to win that one, or at least Lindia Montes husband, but David Foster. Wow. -David Foster, I think-- -Another award for his mantle. -Yeah, you can't fuck someone with your turkey neck. -Sorry, David Foster, but congratulations on your win, buddy! [applause] -Great job, great work. -Agreed, okay. -All right, Ronnie. -Now for our next award. -Our next award is the worst plastic surgery. Now, this is a rough one, because plastic surgery has become so prevalent in our society, that people with plastic surgery are becoming their own race and starting to all look the same age, and the same rank. -Everyone looks like, like, what's his name, Wart, from Star Trek Next Generation, Wart, whatever it is. -Everyone is starting to look like a vector drawing. Unfortunately, they have not solved how to get rid of necks. So you can still tell on people's hands and necks how old they really are, but you'd never know by looking at those faces. Unfortunately, Groupon has not heard of decent plastic surgery and is still offering extremely cheap surgery to poor people on Bravo. So without further ado, let's read the nominations for the worst plastic surgery on Bravo! -Oh. -The first nominee is Brandy Glanville from the Real Housewives of Beverly Hill. -Yes. -The second nominee is Tamara from Real Housewives of Orange County, who's basically starting to look like a hamster at this point. Next up is Vicki from Real Housewives of Orange County, so only because she's basically turning into the woman she hates, Gretchen. On purpose, get Gretchen's chin out of your face, Vicki. OK, Gretchen should the trademark that shit. Next up is Sheena from Vanderpump Rules. And next up is the entire cast of Game of Crown. -Yes. -A lot of surgery there. -Basically all poor people. You know what, if you're poor and your face is ugly and old, you better just stick with it, because you look better that way than you would with your Groupon plastic surgery. OK, Ben, why don't you read us the winner? -The winner of worst plastic surgery is Sheena Marie from Vanderpump Rules. -Oh, Sheena, what a tight thought. -And here to accept her award is Sheena herself. -Hey, guys. -Hey, Sheena. -I can't believe you have this award showing my birthday in Azusa. [LAUGHTER] You guys-- -Sheena. -You guys, thank you so much for giving me this award. It was really very, very important for me to win this, because I'm about to get married. And now, this award, I'll have enough clown to get enough money to have a dessert spread that I want. -Oh, Sheena, thank you. Great speech. -Thank you, Sheena, so much. So Sheena won this award because-- -Oh, no. Sheena just stepped on some glass on her way off the screen. -Oh, my God. You guys. -Oh, wow. -So Sheena, I guess this, because everyone has terrible plastic surgery in this category. But Sheena's actually ages her about 15 years, which is the worst thing that plastic surgery can do. So She wins worst plastic surgery. For me, hands down. -Oh, Sheena. You beat Brandon Glamville, and that is not easy. So congratulations, Sheena. -The arrival re-continues. -Oh, we forgot to announce that the runner up was Jax, who went through all that pain to get a free nose job on Bravo and still has a stuffed up nose. -Yes, that looks the same. -Portionally, plastic surgery cannot fix a co-cavit. -That's right. OK, so now the nominees for our next category, which is the Bravo personality who just tries too hard or tried too hard or is continuing to try too hard. The nominees are Erin, that random girl from Real House, was a New York City who got into a fight with all the women. She was drunk and the friends with Aviva. Next, Brandi Glamville, trying too hard to be rounded. -I'm way too hard. Brandi Glamville, who possibly murdered her own dog and fed it to a coyote just to have a story live last season. -Next up is Cynthia Bailey, trying way too hard. -I don't know why you say it. I'm trying too hard, Ben, trying to start a fight with me, Ben, because I'll fight with you, Ben. I'll take you down, Ben. I'm not afraid of you. -I'm Cynthia Bailey. What else is new? -Okay, so next is for trying too hard, Joyce and Carlton from Beverly Hills last season. -Oh, also we should have nominated Carlton's vagina, which tried harder than anybody else on Bravo to prove us. -Oh, yes. -It still works. -Yes, Carlton, trying so hard. Also trying hard. The entire cast of Real Housewives of New Jersey, trying way too hard. -Well, except for Dina and Theresa, who barely tried it all. They barely even showed up. -Yes. -But the rest of you shame on you. -And finally, the final nominee, trying very hard to be like, like, horse face number one, horse face number two, and Stasi. It's Christina from Vanderpump Rules. -It's just that. -Seriously. -Seriously. -Ronnie, will you announce who tried too hard this year on Bravo? -Hey, the winner for who tried way too hard. -I hope it's who I think it is. -It is Christina from Vanderpump Rules. -Congratulations, Christina. -Yes, that's well richly deserved, which, by the way, means that Vanderpump Rules now has three wins. This could be a sweep. This could be a big year for Vanderpump Rules at the crappies. -Yeah, Vanderpump Rules is winning the most awful of everything. Most of it is the most awful. And also, it's because my memory is very, very short, because I smoke a lot of marijuana. And so I don't remember shows that were on longer than, like, a couple of weeks ago. -To be fair, there were no nominations for Vanderpump Rules and husband who's most difficult to fuck. So I'm sure if it was in that category, I probably would have won too. But, yes, Christina tries way too hard. -And also to be fair. -Also, to be fair, I feel like hostesses in general try way too hard. If you've ever worked at a restaurant, a hostess will start a fight with you over table charts and fort placements. So I think that she had a leg up. -But either way, congratulations, Christina. -She tried way too hard, and she's still not a full-fledged cast member. She just shows up and tries to be bitchy, but continues to be more or less irrelevant. -Yeah, still terrible. -All right, let's move on to the next category. -The next category is the best vacation. Nah. First nomination is the vacation to Puerto Rico on "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills," where the housewives all ganged up on poor St. Lisa Vanderpump made her cry and sent her to a four seasons with her hairy silent farting husband, Ken. The next best vacation nomination is the Hamptons for that weird half-white girl's trip to her parents' house, who had a lot of money in a nice neighborhood on blood, sweat, and heels, where someone showed up drunk after a dad died and started to smash and at least probably call. -The next nomination for best vacation-- Montana from "Real Housewives of New York City," where Ramona threw a plastic glass in someone's face. The editors added in glass breaking, and we saw a lot of cows. -Oh, no, no, no, that was-- Oh, wait, no, that was Berkshires. Let's revise that nominee to Montana and Berkshires for New York City. -Yeah, because on this show, the best could be the worst. And both of those were pretty fucking terrible. Next up, the best vacation nominee is I ran for the Shah's of Sunset, for the simple fact that also learned that she did not have equal rights in her home country. -Adir. [LAUGHTER] -And they almost single-handedly started a war with the US just with one visit. -And the last nomination for vacation-- -By the way, Ronnie, it's not going to be the last one, because we left off one nominee that I'll add after you say this one. OK, the second to last nomination, that's the case. -Is Bali in the OC, where we got to see monkeys get scared of Vicky's face, and we got to see Hamster face Tamara run away from the table promising to never speak to anybody again when she wasn't wearing any shoes? -And our last nominee is, of course, from Vanderpump Rules season two, when the whole group went down to Mexico, and Katie made a-- Stassi, I think, kicked Katie out of dinner, and then there was issues in the bedrooms, and they all fought. -That's awesome. And also Katie's own boyfriend through her drinking her face. -Yeah, through a drink in her face, because the whole thing was, I think that Stassi didn't want Katie to bring any drama to the birthday, but then she and Tam got into a fight, and they had caused drama, so Stassi got mad at Katie. And then Sheena started a fight because she was in the van with all the guys, and then-- -He yelled the arban. -He yelled the arban. -Because this is the way the show is, there's just so much. Jax then told all the girls what Sheena said in the van, and then all the girls get mad at Sheena. -I know too much. Got a hook hooking you off the stage now, pulling you off the stage. -Oh, so now I get to read who the winner is. -Yeah, you're going to read the winner, OK. -Oh, shit. [CLAPPING] -The best vacation. And the winner is Puerto Rico for Beverly Hill. -Wow. -Were you not expecting that? -Oh, our audiences arrived. Is the audience mad or are they happy? I couldn't hear. -Can't tell. -It's like SimCity when you place the wrong building in SimCity, and everyone's like, rrr. The reason why-- so it was close. The Iran trip for Shahza's sunset almost one, because it actually was-- it was actually really two good episodes, examples of reality to be at its best, was very moving. And then Mexico almost won, because it was so funny. And then Bali was close with Tamara. But Puerto Rico, because Puerto Rico was crazy, the way they were ganged up on Lisa. And it was kind of epic in all the way they all turned on her. And it laid the foundation for everything we're seeing here. So it was very influential. And it was a sort of episode that got everyone talking. After a really bad season, everyone was like, can you believe that? People who watch Bravo could not stop talking about it. And we're taking sides, we're feeling passionate about it. So while all the other vacations we mentioned were really fun and hilarious, and so much shit went down, I had to give it to Puerto Rico. OK, totally understood. Congratulations, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Even though that was probably one of your most boring seasons of all time. Yes. So oddly enough, Beverly Hills has two wins, Vanderpump Rules, three wins. Yeah. OK, now we are going on to our next one. Ben, why don't you read these nominations? OK, the nominees-- Oh, wait, I'm so sorry to do this to you. But I'm reading on the cue card that we actually forgot that we have another musical number. Oh, my god. So exciting. Who's coming to the stage now? Hold on. Come on, teleprompter person. OK, so that's the next nomination for Best Song. Goes to Fawnee from Heroes of Hollywood. Please welcome Fawnee. Yay. Yay. Fawnee, Fawnee, Fawnee. So I make my art because it's my life and I like to make my art. But now I'm American. So I'm like, Fawnee, America. Oh, my god. Fawnee, Fawnee, Fawnee, Fawnee. And name me his Fawnee, Fawnee. Fawnee. Oh, my life. I've never been so happy to perform. That was so much. Oh, Fawnee. That was so good. Come on, audience. That was great. All right, there's one girl on the back who really liked that. They played well to the second. Second two. That was Big Red Kelly in the back. I was like, yeah. OK. OK, so our next category is Best Friend. Of a housewife. OK. Congratulations to all the nominations. I can't wait to hear who they are. Yeah, there seems to only be three, which seems strange. I'm a little surprised by that. Maybe we can remember some as it goes along. So the first nominee is Luann from Real Housewives of New York City for-- Luann, you deserve to get that Apple back. But I'm hoping that they never give it to you, just so I can see you continue to act up. Yeah. Yeah. Next is Danielle's gay husband on Real Housewives of Orange County. So this is actually a friend of a friend, in a sense. Danielle herself is a friend of the Real Housewives, but the nomination goes to her husband, the gay husband, whose name I forget. On Real Housewives. Just by being so gay, he caused more controversy. OK, Danielle was supposed to be a housewife, but when the storyline came out that her husband was gay, she threatened to sue and took herself off of the show. Oh, is that what happened? Well, suppose-- according to the internet, which is always correct. So I would like to congratulate Danielle, because you know what? That gay husband really made that season more interesting than it ever had any right to be. So thank you. And then we also have pickles from Real Housewives of New York City. Do you ever confused look on Pickle's face? Congratulations. Oh, here's a nominee that we forgot to put on. And it is Jacqueline and Kathy and-- Oh, yeah. And what's her buns? Dyke Strath. Rosie. From Real Housewives of New Jersey. Yes. And you know what? Here's another one from Real House. Our final nominee from Real Housewives of New Jersey. Victoria Gotti. Oh, my gosh. Good one, Ted. OK, now it's time for the winner. Who is the winner? [MUSIC PLAYING] Well, we had to close our eyes and imagine this one. But the winner was a tie between Victoria, Gotti, and Rosie from Real Housewives of New Jersey, because that conversation would have been so much better had they just let these two housewives film together. That guy fucked his mother. So what? Who cares? Why is we on Twitter? What's the Twitter? You know what? If someone said to me that my husband fucked my mother, then you know what I would do? I would get an assassin, which means go up and the assassin will punch you in the face. Yeah, well, if you punched me in the face, my husband would bury you someplace. You know what? You know what? How about this? How about we stop talking about the berries and the fruits and the vegetables? And we just-- you know, we get along. We're family. We support each other. Ah, stick it in your Twitter. You know, no more just talk about water, OK? He needs water. She needs water. We all get together. We're family, you know? Family. Congratulations, Rosie and Victoria Gotti. You came on a wonderful show on a terrible year and made a wonderful scene. Yeah, that was great. I was surprised. I thought Pickles was going to win that one. Nope, but Pickles don't think that you can't win in the future. Just try a little harder next time. OK, Pickles? Yeah, yeah, do better. Right, I'll try to say more things. OK. OK, next round of nominees. Most overdone plotlines on Bravo. Now this one actually had to take some time to come up with because there were like 18 of them. So we had to choose Pick and Choose wisely. So here we are with the most overdone plotlines on Bravo. The first nominee. Weddings. Yeah. New weddings, old weddings, remarrying, renewing vows, wedding, all weddings, all weddings. Please stop all weddings. Please stop all weddings. The ginowaxing. Another good one. Lots of bushes being trimmed all over Bravo. And while we're not against grooming, I'm sick of looking at your twat, get waxed, OK? Yeah. I'm looking at you, Ramona and Sonya and everybody on Vanderpump rules. And Lisa's butthole, I mean, I don't even know what else happened, but please stop it. Yes, too much. Twitter fights. Twitter wars. Like you said this about me on Twitter. But you said this first. So will you talk to this person in the new media? But you were tweeting this and you were retweeting. I never tweeted anything, but you retweeted. Yeah. Oh yeah, I didn't do nothing. I just retweeted something. I didn't write it. But that still counts. Retweeting counts. Who does that? Who does that? Spray tanning. Oh, god. Spray tanning. Like, oh my god, it's so cold. Oh my god, are you really going to do this? Are we really going to spray tan? Oh my god, this is so nice. Oh god, now you get to see me naked. Oh, this is freezing. Oh, I can't believe we're doing this. And old ladies who think that we're all going to believe that they're still capable of having babies ordering those real lookalike babies in the mail to see if they're capable of having babies. We saw it on marriage medicine. We saw it on Real Housewives of Atlanta. And we saw it on Real Housewives of OC. It's too much. You're all too fucking old, OK? None of your wombs are in working order. Put an out-of-order sign on that and get a new storyline, OK? How about a storyline about women who are going through hot flashes? Yeah, how about that? I mean, we almost got that with fans, though, but she wouldn't commit. OK, Ben, read those nominations for the winner. The winner. This is a very competitive category, but the winner is-- Super soups, dupes. The winner is weddings. Hey, weddings. Yeah. [APPLAUSE] Yay, weddings. I have an audience, too. So the reason-- the reason why weddings wins-- The award for best audience goes to Ronnie's iPad. [LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE] Yay. I just sent you a tweet about what an athlete you are. What an athlete you're audience is. Excuse me, though, Twitter fights do not win this award. No, so the reason why weddings are the very worst is because all these other things are annoying, but they tend to be just a few scenes here or there. Weddings dominate an entire-- oh, we forgot another-- even though this didn't win, we forgot our other nominee, which is kids going off to college. Oh, my God. Please stop with kids going to college, especially you, Beverly Hills. Like, enough, Beverly Hills. You've used enough kids going to college, then you've used enough to, like, deplete the lake for every other housewife show on TV. Like, seriously, Kim. Kim twice, Kyle, Yolanda, then probably Kim again. Then Yolanda again. Kingsley, Lord knows where Kingsley went. He went off to school of some kind last year. And now, I think he's off at the, quote unquote, farm being used by a couple of years. Well, either way, though, kids going off to college is a bad one because that also usually takes an entire season. But the weddings, it's too much because it's the season. And then, on top of that, there's a spin-off. And this is not the channel for that. I don't think people watching Bravo actually really care about weddings. This isn't, like, the Wii channel. This is-- people don't like seeing fairytale romances on Bravo. We want to see death and destruction. So definitely weddings win that one for sure. Agreed. Agreed. So now, who now, who now? A very special moment. You guys, this is a very special moment. Yeah. And it's taken me a minute to queue it up here. But it's a very special moment in time where we all need to gather together. And we need to hold hands and remember that even though we have, oh, man, the change over from summer to fall has been so lovely. I love fall clothes. And it's so nice getting an upgrade from my regular old dusty hoodie to something brand new and stylish from Quince. I know this is like layering season. And I am ready for a beautiful, beautiful sweater. Quince offers affordable high-quality essentials for any wardrobe. I just got the most adorable casual jacket, which I'm going to use more than anything else in my wardrobe from Quince. I mean, I look adorable. I can't even oversell this. I look adorable in this thing. You do. And honestly, like their fall sweaters, I'm loving the color palette they have for them. They're just like very subtle, like a lot of stones and beages. It's really my vibe for fall 2024. Upgrade your wardrobe with pizzas made to last with quince. Go to quince.com/crapins for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. That's q-u-i-n-c-e.com/crapins to get free shipping and 365-day returns, quince.com/crapins. Step into a world where stories come alive. On Audible, there's more to imagine when you listen. Immerse yourself in captivating audiobooks, including master storytellers Stephen King's latest short story collection You Like It Darker. Let King's chilling tales transport you to realms both haunting and thrilling. With Audible, you're not just hearing words. You're experiencing them. From thrilling mysteries to heartwarming romances, there's a story waiting for everyone. As an Audible member, you choose one title a month to keep from their entire catalog. And new members can try Audible free for 30 days. Visit Audible.com/wondripod or text "wondripod" to 500-500. That's Audible.com/wondripod or text "wondripod" to 500-500. Even though we have a really good time making fun of people on Bravo, sometimes very, very serious stuff like people dying. So I'd like to welcome that stupid, trophy-like, trophy business from "Ladies of London." Give it "in memoriam" to Scott. Squat? Noel. You gave me a $10,000 report. And it's Squat? Squat. And it was so cheap, Squat. And I wondered, how could I be with a man? Who is so cheap, Squat? And when I confronted you about it and asked you for a better allowance, Squat, you jumped. I just want to say that I'll never be able to find a man like Scott for the rest of my life, because Scott is so wonderful to buy a score. Buy a score. And hopefully, the Bible is wrong. Let's go get to go to Heaven, Squat. Because if you are in Heaven, you'll get to meet Mama Sharon, who is also dead. Oh, yeah, you messed with the wrong one now, bitch. I didn't say anything to you, Mama Sharon. OK, call me a hoe. Call me a hoe to my man up here. You messed with the wrong one now, bitch. I'll kick your ass. And that was so beautiful. Thank you so much for coming. And I'm sorry for all of your losses. Yeah. That was really amazing. So thank you. Thank you, Noel, and the ghost of Sharon. Yeah, that was really beautiful. I hope to see the new TV movie coming out. Oh, shut up, audience. I hope to share it. I can't wait to see the new movie coming out based on Mama Sharon's life called You Got the Wrong One Now, Bitch. Mm, yeah. [APPLAUSE] OK, now what's our next nomination? All right. OK, let's go ahead and read our next category. Our next category is Bravo, Celebrities, Who Should Be Fired. All right. And the nominees are Amber Marchese from Real Housewives of New Jersey. Just go and take your cancer with you. The two twins from Real Housewives of New Jersey. You're equally as stupid as each other. You're as smart as a collateral. Brandy Glanville from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Ah, get a real job and start spending all your goddamn money or pour. Jill Zarin, just for the sake of it. We've got to fire that bitch every year. You still deserve it, Jill Zarin. And hey, Jill Zarin, if you're listening to this, shut up, shut up, Jill Zarin. You just need to shut up. Richard Blaze from Top Chef, Boston. Hey, keep on working out. You're still doughy. Shut your mouth, stupid Richard Blaze. Nobody cares about you. And since when don't you like augar, augar, or whatever that shit is that you're suddenly getting all judgmental about you, powder, nose, motherfucker. And finally, the last Bravo Liberty who should be fired. Lizzie from OC. No one came to your birthday party because you're a lame-ass Lizzie, OK? Get out of your house and get a job. Designing bikinis isn't a job that's the worst drawing I've ever seen in my life. OK, so the winner, Ronnie, will you please read the winner? The winner, four should be fired. Girls two. That's a tough category, guys. Who's it going to be, Ronnie? Lizzie from OC, because at least never has a husband who started shit. The twins yelled at a lot of people. Branding Glandel is at least trying to beat up old ladies. Jills Aaron, still is cunt. Richard Blaze opens his mouth really wide, and you do nothing, Lizzie. Bye. Wow. Wow, summarily dismissed by our award show. Very impressive. Very impressive. All right. All right, everyone, settle down. Lizzie is ever going to hear it like that. Settle down, everyone. Settle down. Down. OK, OK. Stop. Stop throwing Patrick at her head. We're just looking for a way to get everyone to be quiet. OK, there we go. Have to get the security in there on that one. This is one of our most important categories. Yes. Best new housewives. You know, it's really difficult to make sure the species is going on. Look at white-bred people in the south. No one's really having babies anymore because everyone's working-- everyone's got a two-household income now. But white people may be dying out, but it's important to make sure that the housewives will live forever. And Bravo has bred some new ones this season. So let's read the nominees. Number one is Eileen Davidson. From Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Eileen Davidson hasn't even done much yet, but you know she's going to take down every idiot who stands in her way. One of the only housewives with a real job and an actual acting career. Welcome to the club, Bobby. Lisa Rinna, one of the most desperate de-listers ever to appear on TV, maintains a bubbly, sparkly personality defying all the odds. Shannon B. Doar. Yes. A random new housewife on the Real Housewives of Orange County who apparently doesn't believe in plastic surgery, restaurant manners, or tiny home. Kristen Takeman from Real Housewives of New York, who's married one of the ugliest pen on the show's combined, who has the least amount of money probably out of all the husbands combined. Not a good man, Kristen. And Claudia Jordan. Still too new to call, but it seems like she's going to bring everybody down. And we know that she earned her peach on the Real Housewives of Atlanta mid-season just for being the biggest comp around. And the winner, Ben. The winner is-- [APPLAUSE] All right. The winner is Shannon B. Doar from Real Housewives of-- Oh, Shannon. [APPLAUSE] I'd like to say-- I'd like to say thank you, but unfortunately Heather's standing in the spot that I was going to stand in to give this award, so Heather, I was sitting there. Heather. You know what? You know what? If it's so important to you, there. Stand there. It's fine. It's fine. Over it. Over it. Well, it's not so important. That's where I was sitting. I mean, I don't know what you're talking about, David. You know what? You know what? You know what? You've said your piece. I'd like you to leave the award show now. Thank you. Oh, that's great. David, I'd just like to say to my husband, David, thank you for making me look like a bitch. And I'd like to thank Dr. Wu for sticking his thumb up my butt hole, because honestly, nothing had ever gone in that exit before. And every time I'm in Ross or any other outlet store, I'm purposely going out the exit on purpose just to see if I can set off an alarm. And I'd like to thank Heather for stealing my chair and making the biggest storyline of a shit season that we've ever seen. So thank you. Thank you, everybody. Thank you so much. David. David. David. David. David. David. David. Which do I go upstairs, right? Say hello to David. David. David. Oh, Ben, I have to hand it to your audience. They're really good. They are good. And you know what's good is that when they're done clapping, they just stop. All of them. All at once. Like, they start clapping, and then they just know, OK. Next award, they just stop. They're really good. OK. You know, I will-- this is now my category, correct? So the next category is the crappy for Candy Burs' best vocal range. And the nominees are-- Actually, actually, I'm sorry, Ben, but this is actually not a nomination. This is a very special nominee for Best Song, actually. The next nominee performance for Best Song is Candy's sound effects while she talks. So Ben, please introduce Candy. Candy Burs, come on out here. See, now, Riley is like, mama, you're a poor crappy. And I was like, no, I was going to go over to see your mother's love again. But then, like, see, now, Todd was like, hm, Riley. You got a written award now, but like, I'm a normal. [HUMMING] Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, thank you so much to Academy. Because see, now, Riley, she never won a award. Yeah, well, she will sometime. Marcy, mama. That was beautiful, Ben. So thank you. Thank you, Candy. Thank you, Candy. Thank you. Best nominated song. OK, Ben, now, what's the next award? Well, the next award, then, is why we go on to most shocking moment. Let's do that. Because I know we have one more song performance coming up later. Oh, two more, actually. We have two more songs in the category. So most shocking moment. And the nominees are Shahza Sunset being actually moving when they went to Iran, meaning it was an actually emotionally thoughtful show that got me a little choked up at parts. And that was on Shahza Sunset. And that was very shocking. Yeah. The second most shocking moment, the nominee is Caroline Manzo, she got on a trapeze. Caroline Manzo on a trapeze, very shocking. The third, Aviva, throwing her leg on the table, a real housewives of New York, most shocking moment. And our final nomination, unless there's any others that I am not reading on the paper, Nina losing Top Chef New Orleans, the other guy. Yeah, that was a pretty cray cray. So, Ronnie, will you please read it? Please announce the winner. Winner of the best shocking moment on Bravo this year. What? Caroline Manzo getting on a trapeze. Gee, wow, that's a surprise. Surprised? Yes, I thought for sure it was Bienina or Aviva. Well, Aviva, since she planned that whole thing since the very beginning of the season, it may have been shocking to us. But actually, if you'll recall that scene, nothing really bad even happened. Yeah, everyone's left. I believe she was going to throw her leg, and she chose any reason to do it. She just threw her leg. So, as it was fun and they showed it a zillion times, it was not very shocking. Yeah. It was wonderful, though, so thanks. Yes. Well done. Well done, Aviva. I mean, Caroline with a win. So, New Jersey now has ranked up some awards. I don't have the stat count just yet, but I still think that Vanderpump rules may be winning, although OC now has two wins, Jersey has two wins, Beverly Hills has two wins, and Vanderpump has, I believe, three wins right now. So, Vanderpump is in the lead. I wouldn't know because, like a housewife, I hate counting. Our next award is for Best Fight. That's quite an achievement to even be nominated on Bravo as the entire network is built around that. So, let's see who the nominations are. The Atlanta Pajama Party, where Nini pretended to get everybody together to talk about sex when really she wanted to see a bunch of big booties in lingerie, screaming at each other over stupid reasons. It's also where we got to see Candy Burris lose it for the first and probably only time on Real Housewives of Atlanta. Porsche versus Kenya, which began in a coffee shop. Oh, began it at a... - The reunion. - Nope, it actually began way back in a restaurant. No, not a restaurant. A charity event where Porsche called Kenya misses... - Miss America. - Miss America or something. And ended at a fight at a reunion where Kenya actually got her ass kicked and dragged across the stage by Porsche. - Yes. Oh, and by the way, there's another category that's not listed on here. It was Stasi punching horse face number one in the face. - Oh, that was pretty good, yeah. Porsche versus Kenya. Shannon versus Heather at the dinner party, the chair fight. - No, those are two different fights. - Oh, Shannon versus Heather at the dinner party. - She's like, "You will, the truth will come out, "damn it, the truth will come out." - Oh, yeah, yeah. - You'll see, you'll see! - After Shannon had been gaslighted by Heather all season. - Yes. - And Heather instead outside with Tamara going... - We call the cops. - We call the hospital, I think she's having a mental breakdown. - She's crazy. - She's literally crazy. - That was pretty good. Another Shannon versus Heather, it all began at chair cake. And a lovely two students. - One of my favorite fights of all time was about something so stupid. And yet it's the sort of fight that you can actually see yourself having a fight with friends over. - Mama Joyce. Mama Joyce trying to go after Carmen with the shoe in the Pridal Shop. - Yes. - And Mama Joyce versus Miss Sharon on the Real Housewives of Atlanta. - You got the wrong one, now, bitch. - And all the entire cast of the Real Housewives of Melbourne versus Gina on the Real Housewives of Melbourne. - Oh, Gina, you're awful. - Oh, that could have been on vacation. - I would say that, Gina. - Why would you even say that like that, Gina? - Hey, Gina. You know what I call this? I call it an award show. (laughing) - You're an insignificant arse. - You know what they call people who are up for awards? Nominees. (laughing) - So Ben, please, real good weather. - This is a hard, hard, hard, and this is probably the hardest category we've had all night long. - And the winner is... - And the winner is... (groaning) - The winner is... (laughing) (laughing) (groaning) - And all that all that all that all that all that all... (groaning) - I'll tell you what the winner is. The winner is... - Hurry. - Stossy punching horse face in the face. - Oh, my boo, boo. - That was stupid. - Boo. - No audience, you're wrong audience, no. (laughing) - They were all just fights were amazing. Like, they all should, like, if they could all win. But here's why I'm giving Stossy that one. Because it was so deeply satisfying. It was like, if anyone has deserved to get, like, punch, trade up in the face, even more than Kenya even. It was horse face, number one. And on top of that, it lives on in a gift form. And when you see it in a gift, it's so deeply satisfying and hilarious that, like, it's just, it's such a wonderful, impactful moment. But it was hard though, 'cause they almost gave it to Shannon versus Heather at the dinner party. I almost gave it to Chairgate. And then mama Joyce with a shoe. I mean, how can you deny the shoe? I don't know. - Yours, your, my favorite came and last with you. 'Cause to me, it was that old lady fight. I mean, that was the best thing I've ever seen on Bravo. Those old ladies fighting was possibly the best. - Well, maybe it's a tie. Can we say what you're talking about? - Daddy, you're wrong! What you tellin' about? - Listen. - That's one, that bitch. - Let's, let's, it was a tie. So we're gonna give it to both Stossy and Mama Joyce. - Yeah, everybody. - My Joyce was Miss Sharon. Is that the one, right? - Yeah. - Mama Joyce, I'm glad you won something since we don't have a terrible wig and awful daughter and most hateful person who should have been the first one to die. - Wait, isn't Mama Joyce nominated for, for the next, like, I'll be gonna add Mama Joyce to our next category. So she gets one more nomination. - Okay, and now, I mean, we have a lot left. We better hurry up. - Yes. - Okay. - Wait, let me tell the orchestra a pit to cue up some music for this next category. I wonder, I can only wonder what music the orchestra's gonna play, but we're gonna get to the bottom of it, like, very shortly. - Yeah, this next song, this next nomination for Best Song of the Year goes to just a little wee, bitty girl of a girl who originated toddlers and tiaras. Huh? - Okay, go on. - Originated on toddlers and tiaras and whose fame Hungry Mother went on to find her own bravo showed a ruin. And the song is... (laughing) ♪ Who's laughing now? ♪ ♪ Who's laughing now? ♪ ♪ L.O.L. ♪ ♪ Who's laughing? ♪ ♪ Who's laughing? ♪ ♪ Who's laughing now? ♪ ♪ Who's laughing now? ♪ ♪ L.O.L. ♪ ♪ Who's quite, I'm hungry. ♪ Is there a charcoal in this town? - Oh, that, what a wonderful job you did, little girl whose name I forgot, but you'll never be Honey Boo Boo. - That was a... It's honestly, it's a great song. L.O.L. by Suzanne and Daughter. - One of the biggest mysteries of the year is who is laughing now? (laughing) - I am laughing now. And now, before we head into our top categories of the evening, it's time to have a lifetime achievement award. To Tamara Barney for her leadership and her prowess in all fields of asshole rape. Barely on television, have we seen someone who possesses the full range of asshole rape that Tamara has? She can stir shit, she can start rumors, she can throw wine in your face, and she can just be downright evil, and she could play the victim. - She's an awful woman, not only is she fucking terrible, she's been getting plastic surgery to turn herself into a hamster, and coincidentally enough, hamsters actually eat their babies. She has turned her face into one of the most evil creatures in the world. - And more so than any other asshole in Bravo, Tamara Barney knows exactly who to turn against every season so that her asshole flame burns strong. You're in, you're out. - Although this year she did make a misstep going against Shannon B. Dor who turned out to be already one of the most beloved housewives of all time. We still appreciate the fact that Tamara could be immature, selfish, and disgusting enough to make her own mistake about her victim. - Congrats, congrats. However, the fact that Tamara did go against Shannon shows that she can be the biggest asshole of all time. - Congrats. - So we would like to present this award for a lifetime achievement in Castle Reed to Tamara Barney Judge. - Congratulations, Tamara. (audience applauds) - Tamara couldn't get away from working with Jim today. She's been trying all morning to find out what to put on the shelves. - But we hope Tamara and her staff at Cutfitness all have a wonderful, wonderful day. (audience applauds) - It was really beautiful. I have a cheer in my eye, I'll tell you that. - That was actually really beautiful. - It was really like, you know what? Enough said, right? Enough said. All right, so now it's our next category. Now we're moving into our major ones, and this is the category. - They're getting big now, they're getting big. - This is the category for biggest C word, which of course means the biggest, you know, a crappins person. - Or cunt. - Or cunt. - Depending on, depending on how innocent you are. - And if you have kids in the car. - In which case, if you do, sorry. - Okay, the nominations are. - The nominations are. - Crappy cunt. - I believe I'm reading these nominations, and you will be opening the envelopes. I open the envelope on Best Fight. - Man, this is what I say to you, naming these nominations. - Okay, that's great, you're great. - You're doing great, you're doing great. - Okay, wonderful. Okay, this is a crowded category, but we're gonna get through it. The biggest C words. - It's like 30 nominations in this. - Well, it's Bravo, this is like C word capital. Okay, so the nominees are. - I have class in my class. - Shut up, Sheena, all right? - You're done. - Okay, Reza from Shaw's of Sunset, Aviva. - Yeah, big one, you had a big year. Reza went against another day this year and showed homophobia and realized later is because he was just Iranian. - Yes, and then he turned on Lily 'cause he saw the MJ, MJ who had previously turned on, realized that everyone liked MJ, so then he turned on Lily and went back to MJ and was just an asshole, that everything, all year long. We have Aviva from Real Housewives of New York City who introduced the most ridiculous scandal, which I'm actually shocked and saddened that we forgot to nominate it, which of course is Bookgate, which is a viral-- - Oh, Bookgate. - Also, she came out of one of the most disgusting human beings ever. George, George was-- - George, oh, George was-- - George is the one most, he could be nominated on his own and in fact, I'm surprised we didn't nominate him for a husband who's hardest to fuck, but there's certain, sometimes we just try to block people out of our lives. - When you go to a farm where you got your leg chopped off as a child and you make the audience laugh and cheer for the machine that chopped your leg off of, you know, you're a cunt, okay? - All right, our next nominee for biggest C word, Crapin's word, Ramona, who may be in the running for next year's lifetime achievement in Assalry. - A, okay, what, okay. - You know, right, okay. - This one time, you know, I used to not be a C word, but my mother always said, you never wanna rely on a man to be a C word for you, so therefore I'm a C word all the time. This one time, I once was hanging around Geraldine Parsons Smith, and she said, you know what? You have to be more of a C word, so that's what I am. I'm sorry, I'm a C word, but that's how it is. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but that's what I have to do, okay? - On, we were in the Berkshire's and my mother was making dinner and my dad came in, he said, you're stupid, I don't wanna eat beef, I wanna eat chicken. And chicken starts with the C, and that's a C word. And every time I hear the word chicken, it makes me sad and think of the C word, I think of my father, and how abusive he was, and it makes me stop crying, and reminds me of the time that he flicked a zucchini noodle at my mother's head, because it didn't go with the chicken dish he prepared. - Whoa, whoa, this is weird, this is really weird, okay? So these trees over here, these trees, they remind me, okay? They remind me of this one time when I came out to the woods, and I was saying to myself, what do I wanna be when I grow up? And I didn't know, I looked at this tree, okay? This tree right over here, okay? And I looked at it and I said, oh, okay, you know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be a C word. So I decided, because this tree, I'm gonna be a C word, and that was it. It was because this tree, because of these woods, seemed too many noodles, I talked to Geraldine Parsons meant too much, and it became a tree C word. - Don't eat chicken. - All right, our next nominee, also from Real Housewives of New York, Josh Tachman, who is Kristen's huge asshole husband. - Yeah, he's the worst. - I don't even wanna talk about him, or a stupid product that's always in the camera's face, or a stupid ugly face, are the fact that he calls his model wife, Fat. - So you would think he would be one of the worst husbands, but then we have Jim Marchezi. - Hey Tim. - One of the biggest C words that has ever graced Bravo TV. - I think that's all. - He is just the worst, but is he the worst? 'Cause then we also have Aaron from Top Chef Boston. - Oh, Ben, you know what? I don't agree with this nomination, because Aaron is poor, and he grew up with parents. He just paid for his college. - Oh, he didn't. - He's hard. His parents didn't pay for anything, and he doesn't have any training, and he's going 'cause he goes to his assholes with real training, but I don't know. - Yeah, he was like a bad kid when he grew up, and he was like into drugs, but then he found a cooking, and it sort of saved him. So, you know, whatever. Also-- - Aaron is making, not having an education a bragging point, congrats Aaron. - Also, biggest c-word, Lin Diamante, who fabricated a death, a death charge, a death charge. - Oh, wait, let's say I threatened their life on my good birthday. - I have to walk into my court, and they have, people say, "Oh, Lin, are you here "to try a case like a no?" They put a restraining order against me. It's so embarrassing. - Why is he doing that against me? He's the one who threatened me when I was dead with the name from an orphanage. - See, so while Jim, while Jim Marchese is such an asshole, Lin Diamante is the sort of asshole that's just pure entertainment, a gift from the gods. With giant portraits of herself all over the house, creating death threats, ruining careers left and right, sabotaging friendships, and just being downright underhanded and self-serving, one of the biggest assholes also, but in a delightful way. - And think, you know what, and I'm proud of her because, you know, as a half Lebanese person myself, it's really nice to see a Lev in the cut category. And, Lin, I'm gonna have some hummus for you today. I bought some from Target. - Aw, and I hope you have a butterfly also nearby. - Aw, thank you. - Just come on. - Just come on. - Okay, our next nominee, horseface number one, Sir Slough. Sir Slough. (burps) And our next nominee, horseface number two. (burps) - And our next nominee, Stassi. - Who does that? - Who does that name? - Who nominates people. Who nominates people in categories? Who does that? - I just don't work here. It's like 30 years ago. Now, I realize, like, you guys are like children. - Like, and then felt. I used to, like, watch award shows, and then, like, I went to New York, and I remember those, like, award shows are, like, so immature now. Like, who does that? - I mean, it's really important to show that back to, like, the bar where you used to be so immature and work at. It's important that you're wearing, like, the Lindy downhill collection so that everybody understands how mature you are. - Like, I would literally prefer to chop my fingers up, put them in a pickling jar, make them look like big dills, and sell them at a farmer's market, then go back to an award show. Who does that? - Who does that? - And our final nominee-- - Okay, now-- - Our final nominee-- - Our final nominee now. - Final nominee, mama-choice. All right, the winner. Ronnie, will you read the winner in this very competitive category? - This brown candy! - Okay, the winner of the biggest crappy cut on Bravo. - The winner is... - Dandy Cohen! - Whoa! - It must be the nominee, man. - I think he won last year, wow. - Anthony, you can't stop winning because you take these sweet, innocent people, you expose them on TV, ruin their lives for other people's enjoyment, and when things start going wrong, you rub their noses in it, publicly flog them, shame them, and then write books about how fun your life going out to dinner with celebrities is. - That's, well, richly deserved, richly, richly deserved. - You know what? When someone is a murderer, do you put the murderer in prison, or do you burn their mother at the stake? - Thank you, thank you, everybody. - Thank you. It totally made sense what I just said, thank you. - Yes, really great. - Okay, our next award is the best Bravo Liberty of the year! And the nominees are Josh Flag, who is moderately entertaining this year, but we're being really nice to him because grandma Edith died, she was just a guy. So, God bless you. Also, I saw him outside of gay bar, and he was super nice to my dog and was wearing leather and some weird things. - He seems like a munch, he's a munch. - He's very nice. And he puts up with that queen he's dating. - Yes. - Okay, Josh, next up is Gail Simmons! - Yay! - He still manages to wear the worst clothing I've ever seen on television, while maintaining a perfectly sunny, charming personality and outsmarting Padma at every turn. Candy Burris! Candy Burris lost her temper for the first time this year, but let's face it. She's supporting a midget, she's raising an angel, and she is putting up with Satan in a wig, which is her mother. - San enfitor! One of the newest members of Bravo, who's already won the Best Newbie Award, who is still mad about her chair. - Yes. - Bonnie, who proves that sometimes Europeans do deserve to live. - Bonnie! - I love Europeans. I love Europeans, I don't know why I even said that, but Bonnie is adorable. She also makes music and art, and is nice to everybody, unless you fuck with her, and with kids she takes you down. - I love it art. I love making art for my life. I love to make the art art. I have to be nice to my friend Matima, and I like to make a dance dance, and I love America, I love good morning America. Sweet Bonnie! - You're not American now, so I know my life. I never thought I could make my art here in America. - I took the test for American ships, and I knew how the present it is. Yeah, you're funny! - When you say these things, I run tracks, but you're lying, I just don't know what people have lies about me. - I never wanted to be pops that, my husband wanted me to, I only wanted to fucking make art, 'cause I am funny! - You know what, this is very hard for me to like you, you know, because you know my life, I never met someone that was stuck in this difficult, you know, but like, not for all. - Next nominee is... - Thank you. - I'm just rapping now. - Thank you, Bonnie, you may not take your seat. Bonnie, you were not, you did not win just yet, so you did not, you can go back to, 'cause you're on. - Oh, when I am found, this is how, when we give speech, I love the stench! (laughing) - It is my hard-wing single, I am Singapore, it is not so hard! - Oh, here comes, here comes the German, your German friend, the tank, whatever his name is. You know, I have to say right now, it's funny that you're really disrupting the award show, they're just trying to get to the nominations, so I have to, you know, I have to say right now that you're being very disruptive, I do not like it. - You are my stochinis! I'm Bonnie! - Okay. - Okay, all right, so continue me on category for Best Bravo. (laughing) - Really a very surprising interview there, like I was really not expecting that. Oh, by the way, you may not have this right on your envelope, but let me remind you that I believe Gina is nominated. - Gina. - Gina. - You know, I'd like to say that I'm not even on Bravo. I'm on a channel with the same logo in Ripoff shows, but it's called-- - A ring, bending. - Bending it, I think, it's called Bendy Arms. So, I'd like to say, you know, thank you to Bravo. No thanks as well. You're in a significant house here in Australia. - Next up, Thomas Ravenel from Southern Shore. Thomas Ravenel had a very successful bid at the Senate and we'd just like to congratulate him on his child he had out of wedlock, his bid for the Senate, that failed his charges of beating somebody at his home and possibly pushing a baby in a pool. And just general assholery, while describing how his father was right in keeping his life centered before the Civil War. What a charming guy. - Yeah. - Next nominee, Micah from Blood, Sweat, and Hills, making alcoholism fun again. Did you hear that, Brandy Gladville? - Yes, she was the bright spot on a show that started with so much promise and then became boring. - Yes. - Similar to our next nominee. - Blood, Sweat, entire, tired ladies. - The next, yes, exactly. Similar to this next nominee, Caroline Stanberry, the only bitch on wheels capable enough to carry a show with a bunch of wet noodles. The ladies of London. And last but not least, I lean Davidson, still new, but leading the pack already on the season's real house. (mumbles) Okay, Ben, please read the winner. - Ooh, okay, and the winner is, hmm? (plastic crinkling) The winner is, Shannon Bidore. - Whoa, Shannon, two of Ward's. - Wow. - Two of Ward's. - You know why? Because Shannon, I love all, I love actually a good number of these people. I love Candy, I love Eileen Davidson, I love Gina, but Shannon, you know what? I just love, love, love Shannon. I felt like she was articulate. I felt she was a bundle of contradictions, but she wasn't right just about it. She admitted that she had contradictions. There's something very relatable about her. And she re-energized this franchise. Like the franchise was like, you know, sort of limping along. This season, I thought, was riveting mostly because of her ongoing feud with Heather and then Tamara, I think, Shannon. - And I mean, hell, let's give her credit for letting us watch her marriage crumble on national TV TV. - Well, yes, thank you, thank you, Shannon. So for Shannon, and for David, and for Dr. Moon, and for everyone, I would say, close category, but definitely Shannon. - Yay, Shannon, yay, yay. - Okay, sorry, Bonnie, but maybe you'll have another chance of fame and fortune. - Probably not. All right, so this next category is like a variation on the biggest C word category, but it's sort of different. This is worst Bravo Liberty. And the difference is that like the other people are like assholes, but these people are just like, they drag down the show, right? - Okay, do it. - Is that what we're gonna say the delineation is? You know, there's a difference between like the biggest asshole versus the worst, okay? - Well, also, yeah, best Bravo Liberty. I think there were nice people. Josh, Gail, Canby, Shannon, Fonnie, G-Rap, Micah, Caroline. Well, maybe not Caroline. Well, Caroline was nice, and I lean also like very nice. So they weren't like best because they were worse. - No, no, I'm saying, yeah. I'm saying this is the delineation between the biggest C word. - Yeah, I'm with. - Although it's sort of funny because these people could have been met. We could have mixed this category with the-- - Oh, with the biggest C word, I see, I see. - But who should have been fired? Because the C words are people who are just like nasty. And these are people who are like-- - Well, maybe we should just combine those two. - All right, we're gonna get rid of the, why we get rid of worst Bravo Liberty? 'Cause it's pretty much a, it's actually a duplication of everything we saw. The only difference is that-- - I've already talked about all these people. - Okay, so this is more of a, just adding on to the previous category of the worst of the C words. So these are people who are also nominated (laughs) that were not read. - Run her up so we couldn't fit into that. - Run her up and next year we'll be more thoughtful on how to do this, all this stuff. Because some of these people also deserve to be in the firing one from earlier in the episode. Nini Leaks. - Awful. - Awful. - She's definitely, should be nominated for C word and fired. - She's funny and charming. And the biggest asshole in the world. And I wish she would just go back to being like fun and charming and not thinking she was Julie a fucking Robert. - Yeah. - I can't. - Who do we say should have been fired? Oh, we said Lizzie from OC, you know? If we had nominated Nini, I think Nini would have won that to be honest. - Nini, the thing is, Annie, Annie. Annie's so close with Nini as a person. I don't think he would fire her. - I think he's like, that would be fired. Should be fired. - Yeah, but I think he'd let her quit. And she'd be like, bye, blue. Don't move. That was my career time to say bye, blue. Like she does every season when she's trying to get more money. - Gross. - Bye. - Yeah. - Okay, well. - We also have, the person that we did not mention, Heather Dubrow, she's actually definitely, we should have put her in the C word category. - Heather Dubrow is one of the worst people I've ever seen. - We, this is by the way, I hope everyone's appreciating the glory of our award show. We're the only award show where mid show we stop and talk about who should have been in a different category. - Yeah. - Yeah. Also, Andrea, Andrea from Melbourne. - Oh, Andrea. - Andrea. - And you know, some of the best stuff about Andrea was later when we read stories about her freaking out on people in public when there wasn't even TV shows around. I mean, TV cameras around. So, you know, congratulations on being a kind on TV and off of TV, Andrea, when you don't even need to make the effort. - Okay, and so I, in the spirit of an award show, the best, the best Bravo Liberty that should have been in a category earlier in this show goes to, where's my drum roll? The drummer is on break, so we'll just do our own. The best, the best, the best overlooked Bravo Liberty from earlier in the show goes to Heather Dubrow. Who should have been nominated for the biggest C-word. As in, biggest crappins award. - And I love that Heather Dubrow followed up her season of being a total cunt on TV. By talking about how Theresa deserved to go to jail and Bravo was harboring a criminal. (laughing) I love that she was fronting her C-wordiness. She spread her C-wordiness to all of the other franchises as well, so congratulations. - Yes, that was great. - That was a wonderful-- - I mean, you're awful. - And I hope your husband leaves you with mapping you Jermal face. - So, Heather Dubrow, congratulations on winning Worst Bravo Liberty that we overlooked earlier in this episode, which is a very meta category. - Big stop auditioning for things. - Yes. Okay, Ronnie, will you take over most overlooked show? - Most overlooked show on Bravo this season. The nominations are Game of Crowns, which was watched by Ben Me and about three of you and the crappins off, yeah. (laughing) When stars of a show are tweeting you and asking to come on a podcast, you know they're in trouble. - Yeah. - Did you hear me, Jill Zarin? - Euros of Hollywood. - Fun, me, me, me, me, me, me. - The real housewives of Melbourne, which to me, fair, was overlooked because it wasn't an American sewn. It was sewn on Saturday mornings. But at the same time as "Dora the Explorer," the real housewives of New York City, which was overlooked because it's been so shitty that no one watches it anymore. - That was good this season. - Says Ben and only Ben. - No, you were saying it too. - Probably Matt Whitfield some play. - You were saying it too. - Would act like you weren't saying it too because you weren't saying it too. - Oh, maybe I was, but I can't remember that far. And finally, southern charm. About a bunch of white people not even trying to re-race their racist history and partying with other people's money. - Although I don't know how overlooked it was because I think it did well in the ratings. - Well, that's great. Because I can't wait to see more of it. And I can't wait to see them pressured in hiring a black person to be on it. Okay, Ben, please read the winner. - And the winner. The winner for most overlooked show is... - Oh, wow. - No surprise here. Game of crowns. Truly, truly overlooked. You know, it seems like every year Bravo has a gem. There was, of course, Princesses Long Island. - Oh, my God. Last year. - Ow. Ow, bah. - My male, Jewish Cartman, was introduced to America. - Ow, bah. - We were also introduced to Jay-Z's future mistress. (laughing) - If you think I'm being crazy, it's-- - You guys drink like cold. It needs a hanger. - I got nine problems, but a personal jet ain't one. Ha, bah. - And, of course, it also introduces to Erica. I'd be like, well, I guess I'm just like the hottest girl in the North Shore. And then the year before that, we have Gal girls, which, of course, is legendary. One of the best TV shows in the history of television. But this year, Game of Crowns. Game of Crowns was nonstop polarity. Anyone I showed this show to could not stop laughing. It was pure brilliance. I feel like Juan Bravo's best shows ever. And I say that because the characters were hilarious. The story lines were out of control. I mean, it literally death threats, you know? scheming and lying, viciousness. And there was also beauty pageantry involved. So there was actually an element of competition. I think, though, that ultimate-- - That finale at the Foxwood Casino, when there were like five people in the audience. - Yes. - Fox killed me. And there were made up pageants that nobody was really in. And there were like-- - Legends or something. - Like, loved it, loved-- - And the side characters. You know, the one, like, the woman who kept on emceeing all these pageants, the woman who was her mother, the people in the audience, the old people. When Miss-- - Oh, that was-- - I'm just saying. - Remember when Susanna and Lynde Amante, they both won one, like, Miss Rhode Island USA, one, like, Miss Massachusetts USA, because they signed, they submitted a form. And they were granted it, so then they had their celebratory dinner and, like, an Applebee's. And they invited all these people. And there were, like, 10 people there. And there were people in the background eating salad who, like, had no idea what was going on. I mean, it was, like, every corner of the show had some, like, piece of genius involved. - Yeah, it really did. God bless you. We are gonna miss you guys. Great job. - It just didn't catch on with Bravo. Maybe 'cause it's a little bit more of a TLC show, but it's not quite TLC. It's a shame. Really, honestly, it's, like, it's just one of the funniest things that Bravo ever put up. - Yeah, it's a congratulations. Well deserved, okay. - Okay, then, please read the nominations for the War So. - The worst show on Bravo. This is also a very rich category. First up, we have Married to Medicine, which was a huge dud in a second season. - Huge. - First season was so good. Second season was so, so bad. - Yeah. - Manzoid with children. - I think we should just hand it to Manzoid with children. - We have, but Ronnie, we have a full slate of nominees to read through. - All right, go ahead. - Manzoid with children, just awful. - Manzoid with chicken salad. Manzoid with egg salad, yeah. - It was, like, how to make egg salad and throw it at people. - Okay, our next nominee, Real Housewives of New Jersey. - The worst season. - My God, the worst one. - They read, they tried to retool it, they brought back Dina and a bunch of other people and it was just insufferable and bad. - So bad, they actually cut the season in half. Bravo wastes nothing, okay? Bravo is your grandma who will take the liver, they'll take the shit, they'll take the shit shoot out of the chicken, you know, put a little hummus on it and try to serve it if you want a cracker, okay? That's Bravo. And they still put half the hummus in the fridge. - Yeah, they were building this, they were building this plan while it was going down the runway. It was, you know, midway through all of a sudden they started wedging in scenes with Jacqueline and Kathy that were evident, like obviously filmed way after the fact, just nothing added up. - Your reality show is so boring that you're adding more autism into it, it's time to just call it quick. - When you're calling on the most boring people from last season to come save the current season, it's a disaster. Our next nominee, Don't Be Tardy, the Kim Zolsyak show that seems to always pop up and yeah, I don't know anyone who actually watches it. - Oh, love that show. I won't watch it, but I mean-- - I can't. - That show. - We would know if bad or not, 'cause we don't watch that shit. - Yeah, mostly 'cause I'm pissed at that bitch, actually got a decent person to marry and it's having like those babies and the rest of us are all unhappy and alone. - I know. - Fuck off Kim Zolsyak, what do you ever do? You never learned anything, you don't have any kind of talent. - I mean, what the hell? - Yeah, tell her. - Put it back in your house if you like this show, 'cause-- - Tell her. Okay, next up, Blood, Sweatin' Heels, a show that began with two or three great episodes and then just became boring. - Boring, never felt the season two and I guess they know they're boring because someone's already been thrown in jail for crackin' a bottle over the model's head. - I will say I have hope for season two 'cause there is too much potential with these women, but when this show started, I was like, "Oh my God, this show is so, so, so good." And then it just got boring. And then our last nominee toned up. - Oh God, was that even this year? - It was, it was so bad, it feels like it came from a distant universe. (laughing) All right, runny, Rondel, Rondel Karim, will you do us the honors of reading the winner? - You know how bad those shows were? I'm sharpening a pencil right now while you were reading those numbers. - That show is more exciting. - Yeah, I was like, why am I having trouble sharpening this pencil? Is there something I'm doing wrong? Is there a certain way to sharpen it that I don't know? Because I can't get a tip. Like, I can get it sharpened, but I can't get a tip on it. - All right. - Anyway, okay, the winner is... Save my boots. Shit, out of my hand loops. My paper's so small right now, you should see how bad it is. - Okay, the worst show for me personally, Rondel Karim and the committee were sponsored with children. I couldn't... - I couldn't, and married to medicine worked really, really hard at being terrible. I mean, they really made an effort, but... - They did. - Ma'am, those... You guys shut the fuck up. Your y'all views are more interesting than you. That's really sad. - Man's have with children was so bad that Brava burned through that season airing back-to-back episodes for like three weeks, and then it was done. It was just awful. - Oh, worst, the worst, goodbye. Hope you die. I mean, not the people on it. You all seem very lovely, especially you, Lauren. - Yeah, she's the loveliest of all. She's like, Cinderella. - Um, okay. - Like, exile a derella. (laughing) - Okay. - And now we have arrived at our final... at our final category. The one we've all been waiting for, the big one. Best... - Best God, best religious. - Best Bravo show. - It's the Chris Show. - Kennedy. Judy is a Buddhism, Allah is a alcoholism. - Best Bravo show of 2014. This is a good category. I don't know who's gonna win. Why don't we alternate reading these nominations? - Okay, the Real Housewives of Orange County. - Great season this year. Excellent season. Thanks to the rivalry of Shannon Bador and Heather Dubrow. Next nomination, Game of Crowns, which already won most overlooked show. - Next is Top Chef, not the current season, which is sucking asshole, but New Orleans. - That had Shirley and Nina and all sorts of good people, except for the guy who won. - Lots of guest spots by Emeralds. And lots of flour in the food. New Orleans puts flour in everything. Don't ever eat there if you're gluten free. - Next nominee is Vanderpump Rules, a hot bed of disease and lying that won already our first category than our best shitty show. - Let me Houston believe the children were our future. She was wrong and then she died. - The next show up for nomination is Below Deck, which this year actually got me to like it in the third year after I hated it for two previously. - Even though it was only slowly long. - I think thanks to Shelley Long coming onto the cast and playing that new weird skinny lady with a funny man face. - Even though it was only season two, you must have just hated it so much season one, it felt like two seasons. (laughing) And our final nominee for best show on Bravo is the Real Housewives of Melbourne. A show that aired in the middle of the day and featured funny accents with a story line that sucked us right on in for Team Gina. - And right on off. - Okay, the winner is. - I don't know who's the winner, Ronnie. I don't know. - I don't either, Ben. - I don't know. I don't know which one I'm gonna show the below. I don't know if I will. - Okay, mine is. Okay, well, we have two winners. I'll open them all below for the first, the first winner is the Real Housewives of Melbourne. - Honestly, the Real Housewives of Melbourne, everyone told us to watch this show and I was like, no, I cannot take another Housewives show. My life is already full of this bullshit. I need to do something positive with my life and read it, but well, I gave that idea right up. This show made me laugh so fucking hard the first time I saw it. And normally I don't laugh. Like, I'll be amused by these shows and feel better than people on them and love to make fun of them and all of that, but this one actually had me die-ying, especially Gina and being a drag queen. And just all of their intros alone, the old lady, Janet, the psychic, shine, shine, shine. All of it had me cracking up. They really got it down in their first season, fighting over something stupid that started in the first episode and lost it until the last. And I'm just, I'm so proud of them. They were the most fun to talk about on this show all year long and do all the impersonations of them. And I hope they come back a million years in a row. And I hope that Bravo gives us some chance in a real slot. - All right, and now from my envelope, I had a hard time with my envelope because on the one hand I had Game of Crowns, which you just heard me do a whole speech about how it was pure perfection. So how could anything else win if Game of Crowns is that perfection? But on the other hand, we had my whole monologue earlier about Vanderpump Rules. So what's the boy to do when you have two great testimonies coming from the same person? - I know what you're gonna do. - What am I gonna do? - You're gonna name Orange County for the best. - No, I'm actually going with Vanderpump Rules. - Hey, what the hell? (laughing) - That was good. - That was a lot, David. Thanks for making me look like a bitch. - No, you know why? Because Orange County and Game of Crowns split the difference. And Vanderpump Rules won for me. Because as-- - Game of Vanderpump Rules. - As much as I absolutely love Game of Crowns, Vanderpump Rules, to me, it almost like defies, it defies words, it's more of a cultural force, I feel like. I don't know, I feel like Game of Crowns was-- - Also, Bravo's first attempt doing something, well, not their first attempt, it's their first successful attempt at doing something for a younger people, a younger crowd, and pulling in people who would not normally be watching Bravo, now are watching Bravo. I think that they really, it finally worked. They got young people to watch. You know, they were trying to replicate this housewives thing. They tried to do it with gallery girls, like making the housewives show, and they tried to do the long online princesses, and they just keep trying to do all these millions of ways to recreate the same bullshit. And this time, they didn't. They got a housewife on it, but it's actually about men being awful as well as women. - Yeah, it is. I think it's, there's something, there's something genius about Vanderpump Rules in the same way that there's something genius about Game of Crowns, and Vanderpump Rules, it's more like, how do these people exist? How do they keep doing the same step over and over to each other, and yet they don't learn anything, and how can I see more of it? - Exactly, Ben, I'm with you. - I thought I feel so badly that Game of Crowns are off. - I have to announce you the best song of the night was. - Of course, well, wait, isn't there another, is there one more song, but? - No, that was stupid. That was Kenya, that was Kenya's song. - Kenya's really bitch, okay. - So instead, I'm canceling really bitch, because frankly, I can't even take Kenya more anymore. And I'm going to say, you know what, all of these songs were great. There couldn't be a winner. I would pick Fawnee, because, I mean, running dinner party with HinnerFarty, or whatever she ride with. I thought it was pretty brilliant, but I think I'd like to close by bringing out Andy Cohen to sing a closing number. - All right. (audience applauds) ♪ You're born in the county ♪ ♪ You're red ♪ ♪ And your face is pulled back ♪ ♪ I could be talking about ladies with count on ♪ ♪ I could be talking about musical hacks ♪ ♪ You could ♪ ♪ And you wait tables ♪ ♪ Or you live a really rich man ♪ ♪ I'm back with 2015 ♪ ♪ When we'll be doing it all again ♪ (audience applauds) ♪ What's happening ♪ ♪ What's happening ♪ ♪ What happens ♪ ♪ What happens when there's so much that crappins ♪ ♪ All the crappins are back ♪ - Thank you, everyone. Thank you, crappins. - Thank you, everybody, who supports this podcast. Thank you for everybody who listens to us. Thank you, everybody, who stops this street. (audience applauds) Thank you so much. - Thank you, everybody. - Thank you. (audience applauds) - Great show, see you all next year. (audience applauds) ♪ There's so much that happens ♪ - Bye, everyone. Go to watchercrapins.com to follow us in social media. - David. - David. - David. - David. - Where's the social media, David? - It makes me look like an asshole, David. - David. - If you like listening to comedy, try watching it on the internet. The folks behind the sideshow network have launched a new YouTube channel called "Wait for It." It's got interviews with comedians like Reggie Watts, Todd Glass, Liza Schleisinger, slicing, driving friends with it for 10 years. One of the funniest people out there, and I still have a hard time with the last name, Liza, our very own Owen Benjamin, that's me, takes you on a musical journey down internet rabbit holes and much more. You don't have to wait any longer. Just go to youtube.com/waitforaccomedy. There's no need to wait for it anymore. 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