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So go to Fylo.tv and check it out for a free seven-day trial. - That's P-H-I-L-O.TV to start watching. - Unlock your imagination with Audible when you listen to audio content in your mind as free to paint the scenes and feel the emotions of a great story. Plus, a great narrator can really take things to the next level. There's more to imagine when you listen. - Audible's extensive catalog is sure to have titles you'll enjoy, immerse yourself in captivating tales, learn from world-renowned experts, and discover new perspectives, all while multitasking or relaxing. Right now, I'm listening to our friend Elena Urkhart's "The Butcher Game." It's a sequel, it's fantastic, it's a serial killer cat mouse. I absolutely love her, I love what she's done, and it's really cool and very beautifully told on the Audible version. - And as an Audible member, you choose one title a month to keep from their entire catalog. - New members can try Audible free for 30 days. Visit audible.com/crapins or text-crapins to 500-500. That's audible.com/crapins or text-crapins to 500-500. - Don't let someone steal your great idea. Register a domain name now and put your idea online. GoDaddy's offering one new or transfer.com for the low price of 295. Whether you're building your dream business or starting a website for fun, visit goDaddy.com and enter WWC295, that check out. It's go time, some limitations apply, see website for details. Again, the code is WWC295, get it, 'cause it's like watch what Crapins 295, 'cause it's $2.95 for whatever you're gonna buy. Well, it has to be a new.com or transfer. - Oh, I just got that. I'm glad you explained it. - Yeah, it's not so. So original, why don't you just start a website about how original that deal is? So everyone, goDaddy.com, WWC295, and you get a new or transfer.com for the low price of 295. ♪ Watch what Crapins ♪ ♪ Watch what Crapins ♪ ♪ Watch what Crapins ♪ ♪ Watch what Crapins ♪ ♪ Watch what Crapins ♪ ♪ Watch what Crapins ♪ ♪ Watch what Crapins ♪ ♪ Watch what Crapins ♪ ♪ Watch what Crapins ♪ ♪ Watch what Crapins ♪ ♪ Watch what Crapins ♪ - Hey everybody, welcome to Watch what Crapins, the podcast about all the crap we love to talk about on Bravo. I'm Ronnie Karam from Trash Talk TV, and as usual, I am joined by the thin, gorgeous, talented, lovely, and fair-skinned Ben Mandelker of bsideblog.com. Hello, Ben. Hi, Ronnie. You can reach Ben on the internaits at bsideblog.com where he does big brother photo caps and lots of other fun stuff, food reviews and stuff. You can also find him on social media outlets at bsideblog. You can find me, Ronnie Karam, my website is trashtalktv.com. There's a bunch of really funny comedy writers doing recaps over there. I do big brother in two minutes every week, every Friday, and that comes out on my YouTube page, youtube.com/trashtalkte-e-v-e-e. And you can find me on the Twitter at Ronnie Karam and Vine at Ronnie Karam and Instagram at Ronnie Karam or at Trash Talk TV. I'm also on Tumblr @TrashTalkTVRecaps. So there's that. Come to our Facebook page. It's Facebook.com/watchwittcrapins. Listeners get there and talk crap all week about the shows. And it's really funny. We've got it pulled up right now to read your stuff as we were doing today. And then on Twitter, we're at what crappins. Yeah, and you know what, you should really-- I'm going to give an extra plug for my Twitter because if you were reading my Twitter, you would have heard the breaking news that I just tweeted about, about three minutes ago, that our special guest on tonight's episode is Ariana Grande. She's just looking for parking. And as soon as she gets here, we will let you know. But yes, Ariana Grande is coming on the podcast. Oh my god! Oh my god! As soon as she works about her lately. Yeah, but the thing is, the podcast takes precedence over Ariana Grande. So even though we could have waited for her to park, we decided to record it anyway. So hopefully she will be joining us soon. I love that in your world, Ariana Grande actually parks. Like she's actually driving around the block. [LAUGHTER] She's, you know, in a Mazda. Yeah, while Frankie's in the big brother house, she has no chauffeur. Yeah, she's probably trying to clean her own toilets, too. Oh, poor Frankie. That's the way. Speaking of toilets, I don't know. This is no segue. You had a birthday this week, and I said toilets. Oh, yeah. Strong, you were puking in the toilet. I was not puking in the toilet, which was a really nice change. I think that means that I'm maturing. Yeah, you were puking in the sink. It meant that I had enough pizza in me to soak up the vodka and not have to show it up. [LAUGHTER] Yeah, I mean, who cares? Do you have a good care about birthdays? I love birthdays. I know, like, every now and then, someone will get up on TV and say, well, you know, after you turn 30, who cares about birthdays? But I like birthdays. Yeah, I don't care. And to quote Janet on Real Housewives of Melbourne, she's like, birthday is a day when it's just about me. It's just about me. Whatever I want to do is what I can do all day. Oh, yeah, right. My friends are like, well, I'll be there after I have dinner with my friend. Oh, I have to leave early, because I'm meeting my friend for dinner. I'm like, what the hell kind of friends are you? There's only, like, four of you here to start with. And they're like, ooh, I've got to get home. The game's on. Like, what? Oh, oh, right. If there was a game, I'm just kidding. My friends are really nice. It was super fun. I mean, it was just like any other drunken night in a gay place, or lots of gay people around. And I got drunker and drunker and made more and more fun of them as the night went on. Did you go to pump? Did you get a pump? I'm not comfortable in pump. Those are not my people in there. Those are like Eurotrashy, Nouveau, Riche, Wannabe fucking-- it's like hairdressers who want to go gossip about, like, faux rich people. I have no-- I have an Armanians. Like I have no-- It's like a place where I imagine Ken Pavegos. Yeah, who's that? He's like this Fay hairdresser who was a judge on sheer genius. Oh, OK, yeah. Yeah, everyone in there is like a bravo gay. They're really like-- [LAUGHS] And they're in like really shiny clothes and have a lot of hair gel and spray tans and like jangly, thick, gold stuff and like least Ferraris and shit. And I'm just-- that's not me. I'm like in jeans and a t-shirt with the McDonald's stain on my crotch. Oh my god, that's not-- those aren't my people. I feel you're running. And by the way, I'm apologizing to listeners. I'm finishing up a bowl of soup. I'm just starving. I basically have an eating all day and I need to eat something. So if you hear any noises like that, I apologize. It'll be done in about a minute. All right, well, let's get started with some discussions. I just finished watching jurors. OK. You want to talk about that one first? Yeah, let's talk about it. I didn't really write any notes because I was watching it right before this. The only note I wrote was the stripper was pushing the kid on the swing. [LAUGHTER] I'm about when your husband, when you got a divorce and your husband was dating that stripper. And you know, I kid because one time I saw the stripper pushing the kid on the swing. Like what-- if anybody knows how to use a swing, it's a stripper. What were you so worried about? It's like actually the safest person you could date when you have a child. I can't believe they refer to their mother as a stripper. Oh my god. Yeah, so let's just get to the meet then. So Victoria Gotti obviously hates these bitches. Victoria Gotti emerges like the Cripkeeper in a blonde wig. She was like Gollum coming out of the fucking lake looking for that ring. It's like when Victoria Gotti floats in, all that was missing really was like the sickle. When she floats in, you just know bad news is coming. She's like, yeah, why don't you guys come over to my place? I live down the street from this like-- it was some like awful liquor shop. It was like come over for a while. It was like Steve Van Nucci's Lickety Po. PBR, you come over for what? You ring half? Why don't you guys come over for some balloons farms? Oh my god, balloons farms. So they go over to Victoria Gotti's place. And she starts telling the story about how she-- she met Reno many years ago. And when Reno was divorced from-- I think it was Teresa, right? And how he told her that the reason why they got divorced is because he basically slept with-- Well, that story is way more than that. Because that guy is just a fucking creep and a star fucker and a total restaurant host who cares too much. I mean, imagine being in the hospital and your Applebee's host coming up to you, playing like this. I heard you were sick in the hospital. So I brought you a swatch watch. What? You're the host at the Applebee's. What are you doing in the hospital? Get out of here. Listen, I know my podcast is huge, but I have no more room in my life for friends. That's how you make people feel good in the neighborhood. Bring in some onion peels, some like lucky charms, baked chicken. Like, you ever seen some ratatouille? Well, I love that when he first tells Victoria Gotti that he slept with Santa, which is hilarious to say that, to begin with. When he tells her that her first response, she thinks it's a joke. And she's like, Reno, don't say those things. That's how gossip gets started. Meanwhile, she's completely gossiping about this. She's acting like she was offended at the idea of creating gossip when she is actually perpetuating it. Oh, my God, that was so cold of her. Because she not only dropped it and said, well, it could have been a joke. She dropped it and then said, I even asked, is it a joke? And he said, no, it's not a joke. Like, Jesus, Victoria Gotti, it's like, just bring everybody down. It's not worth living alone unless everybody else lives alone. How about Dina just becomes friends with her? Anybody who becomes single or when Joe goes to jail, Teresa can be friends with her. And they can just all be alone together around the kitchen table. Yeah, exactly. Spreading awful lies about each other or not lies. Rumors. Well, the editors are really gross because they show-- this was like, of course, the last minute of the show, because that's how they roll on Jersey. The rest of it was watching Melissa getting all over a rental dog that they got. But earlier, they show a scene with the mom talking to the twins about love and relationships. And it just makes a whole thing so much grosser. Yeah. I mean, that's crazy to think that she slept with Rita. I mean, I can't believe that she's still-- how is she not the pry of the family? Well, you know, if you ever watched Jerry Springer, when they would be like, oh, your brother slept with your husband. And then they would beat up the boyfriend. And he'd be like, why are you beating up the boyfriend and not the brother? And she'd be like, because he's my family. This guy's an asshole. He's not my family. He's like, oh, OK. So I guess you forgive your family for everything. But then you beat up the non-family members. They probably had a really big hot to hot over a Dunkin' Donuts Colada, and everything's OK now. So we're all family again. God. Yeah, that's pretty disturbing. But I read in the gossip pages that it breaks up their marriage or something, or like-- Really, who would have thought-- with their marriage, so-- That's shocking. How could that happen? I just can't see that happening. They're just such a great entrepreneurial couple who they only care about their business. I only care about Reno's business. Pontovecchio. Ah, the raviolis. Giovanni's going to lend the family business. There's nothing that any professor could teach him, that his own father can't teach him better. He's going to learn in a 20,000 square foot bond in Jersey with some books and some YouTube videos. I'm going to take pictures next to this fireplace. And I'm going to send them to my son and say, someday you can sleep with me the way that your dad slept with my mom. God. It's the cycle of lives. And the difference is you can sleep with my sister, too. And you won't know the difference. I know that this is going to shock you guys. But poor Theresa-- I mean, she's really going through a lot. Oh, yeah. What did she have to do this week? Oh, she has to be a job-- Joe used a big word. Like, if I wrote the TV guide log line, I would say, Joe used a big word, husband fucks mom. Yeah. That would be the log line. Joe, this is-- Joe did use a big word. It had, like, all of five letters in it and one syllable, and it still stumped Theresa. Yeah. He's like, I got the brawn. And she's like, brawn, bah. She's like, you see, like, the words? Yeah, brown. I'm the words, huh? Who cares? What? Who cares? Shut up. As Melania puts white out all over his fake mahogany desk. Fohogany. Fohogany-- let's see. Melissa's aunt died. And then she made us a book of sexy photos of herself and gave it to Joe Gorga. Yeah. What better time? Yeah. Had to wait or deliver it, by the way. At the cancer dinner. Yeah, exactly. It may have had a few meatball stains on it, but it still did the trick. But these women are forgiving each other way too easily. It's like first they're ripping each other's hair weaves out. And then they're like, OK, well, let's just be friends again. And then the next week, Amber's showing up. Of course, Amber can ever just show up anywhere and just say, I'm here for you. She has to be like, I'm here for you for your cancer, because I have the cancer too. And I know what it's like, because I had it. It's like, oh, Jesus. She's like, I want to put everything aside, just as if we're treating it with chemo, OK? Because I want to do chemo, and I know what that's like. All right? I want to treat this like it's a cyst. We don't know if it's benign or not. But we're going to take it out either way and have it tested. All right? All this drama is like a cancer, OK? And I know that because I had cancer. [LAUGHTER] She's pretty terrible. So overall, New Jersey is pretty gross still. It is pretty gross. And I would have liked to see footage of Amber getting car sickness as a passenger in Theresa's car. And yet, still somehow managing to drive away. Well, is that the new housewives thing? Where, like, because Vicki said she can't be a passenger in the car, or she can't sit in the back, because she gets sick and bars. I think car sickness is the new cancer. And of course, as we know, cancer is the new faux cancer. Yeah, the almost cancer. Yeah. So we were starting to, like, we're circling back to the benign things. Circling back to faux cancer with car sickness. Oh, I can't wait till Ebola hits the housewives. I have car cancer. I'm sorry. Car cancer. I can't be a passenger. I get car cancer. I might have Ebola's. I can't breathe. I'm, like, five weeks of that. I can't wait till almost Ebola hits. Yeah. [LAUGHTER] Right now, I have Ebola's. I don't want to be racist, but this didn't come from a white person. It's like, shut up, New Jersey. All right, so where are we now? I'll tell you where I am right now. In my head, trying to form some sort of meatball Ebola pun. But I couldn't do it. Oh, my god. She's suffering from meatballa. Yeah. We at Ponte Vecchio, our new specialist spaghetti's in meatballa's. [LAUGHTER] Right now, let's pour some vodka on the meatballa's on the grill. No, you can get meatballa's. That's how we know. That's how we know char my mom. Oh, my god. If you're not full of lemon sneezes, you didn't eat it right. That stripper gave my son meatballa's on the swing. Well, I was out getting my colada. Someone choked on some meatballa's, but hey, that's what you're supposed to do. Hey, my family. [LAUGHTER] I put my meatballa in a little fireman's hat and put it next to fireplace and six sexy photos of it. I sent it to my mom and said it was for my husband. All right, so what do you want to do next? Why don't we go to Game of Crowns? Let's do it. Hold on. Let me look through my pages of notes. Oh, I wish I'd take the notes. I'd take this so very seriously. Hold on, OK. All right. All right, I'm here. I have to say, the episode was a little jazzier than normal, because it was a lot of getting ready for the big pageant stuff. But once it got to the pageant, it got so funny. I mean, when they did the montage of the interview segment and they're asking all these women, these ridiculous questions, like there was this one. OK, one of the judges had this pancake makeup on that was so bizarre, and she sort of looked like beaker with bad highlights, OK? And she was like, so tell us, what do you want to go to Greenland? I think she asked that to Lindy Amante. Oh, my gosh. Sorry, I just cracked up. The fact that Lindy Amante has a passion for Greenland is, to me, one of the best things ever. Also, because it's all ice, she doesn't know that they're named opposite yet. She doesn't know that Iceland is beautiful and Greenland is terrible. She probably thinks Greenland is a supermarket. She's like, yeah, really. I really want to try out the new produce, Greenland. Greenland goes really good with my highlights, my blue highlights. So Game of Crown's blood pressure. I love that Lindy Amante's first scene is with her husband acting like she's in the emergency room, getting her blood pressure taken. And she's like, what Leha has done to me is she's trying to murder me. She's trying to kill me. I could die. With these stress levels, I could pass away. And I need to be here for my daughter. So I'm not going to rehearsal. Look what? Yeah. It was like, I mean, she's framing this as if she is some brave hero. She's competing in the face of evil against all the forces conspiring against her. At the risk of her own health, she's appearing in a marginal beauty pageant. That's not even real. Yeah. At someone's husband's casino. And I love, by the way, all the portraits of her that are around her house. Like, when they did a wide shot of her getting the blood pressure. And you see this-- like, it's an empty room, and nothing in the walls except this one giant portrait of Leha looking so ridiculous. I mean, it's in between these two circular windows that are straight from the '80s. I mean, I don't even know what sort of world this woman lives in. Yeah, she's a fucking nutcase. But I just loved that Lynn, like, she overcame all odds and flew in the face of a murderer to speak. Yeah, yeah, she's basically a lifetime movie and bravo for that. She's like, I don't understand how people could think. I would spread rumors like that. She's trying to kill me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, like, how could people say such mean things? By the way, Leha, the other girls called you a man best-eyed, Tranny, and ugly, and I'm 40-footer. OK, so she's awful. What's the next thing? How about-- How about worse, some-- oh. Susie Anna. Susie Anna. I don't know how you're supposed to say hand-paid attention to the obvious when my best friend's dying. Meanwhile, poor Susie Anna, you know, she got in trouble earlier this season for wearing the same jumpsuit as Vanessa. And she shows up to Foxwood, wearing the same exact outfit as all the seats in the Foxwood. Yeah, she really did. That's so funny when I was watching it. I made that comment. I was like, oh my god, it's a floating head. All the chairs are like damn gay people, giving us all the same dresses to wear. I know. The seats are like, you're an opportunist, and you're just trying to ride my coattails. Yeah, so the Foxwood casino hates gay hairdressers now who own boutiques. Yeah. Let's see what else was in here. What do you think about interior design? Oh god. The questions were, you already brought up the interviews. But so one piece of the thing is they have to go speak to this panel, OK? And this is not on stage. This is off stage. And they've given them already questions. It's like when you go on a late night talk show and they're like, what do you want to talk about, Jim Carrey? And he's like, meatballs, whatever. Yeah, meatolas. Oh, and they're like, oh, so I heard you had so many ballas. And then they check out. So they were doing that with the ladies. And Vanessa was, so what do you think about interior design? And she's like, I love interior design. Yeah. I just redid my bedroom into a closet. And so it's an extra place for me to put my shoes and my purses and my scarves and my shoes. And the judges are just trying to keep a straight face. They're taking this all so seriously. They're like, oh, I liked it. She said shoes twice. Like, what the hell, what am I watching? Didn't they ask Susanna something like, what's something you do that annoys your family? She's like, wow, I have my own pilot's license. So this is a terrible percentage number. I got like, oh, I'm wrong. I came out all wrong. But she's like, well, I have my own pilot's license. So, well, you know, that sort of speaks for itself. What? That makes no sense. None of that makes any sense. Yeah. I like that they called the ladies pageant patties who are just like so pageant. Those are ladies who are so into pageants that they're just total fakes. Like, they walk in and they're like, hello. It's lovely to be a part of this competition, which I think is how you're supposed to be, right? Yeah, that's the whole point. I mean, it's like, I think if I were a judge, I might prefer a pageant patty versus Laurie Anne. Yeah, Laurie Anne getting up there, scratching her crotch and spitting, you know, on the stage, being like, oh. My name's Laurie Anne and I am Mrs. Connecticut. I'm Mrs. Worldwide Fitness Web. I'm like, what? That is not a thing. It's like, I'm in the web, my fitness stash. No, you're not. She's not. From like that. I'm a WBSF diva. It's like WBS. She says to me, this is who I am. This is where I made my name. This is what I do. I'm like, you're an idiot, OK? You're not in that organization right now. The WWF. So then she wore two. Who was that? Her parents telling her it's important that she represent Connecticut. Who was that? No, no. That woman was Elaine Paolo, who has been a recurring fixture of the season. She is like, she's like the old lady who runs all these pageants. And her daughter, Melissa Paolo, is like the MC busy buddy. But she's also, clearly, Melissa wants to be a star because we saw her later singing in that opening number that they had danced to. And it was so funny to me that this woman. She was like this homely MC lady decides suddenly that she wants to spotlight and belt along to a pre-recorded track. The whole thing cracks me up. Yeah, that was so crazy. That looked like Rosie with a wig. It did, right? That lady, yeah. She's like, you're a star. A star in the sky. Catch a star when it falls. But don't fall right here the distance. I just love it when-- I love it just when tacky people are suddenly in authority on how to be presentable. Yeah. Especially not Vanessa, especially Susanna. Why can't I ever remember her name? Susanna is so stupid. She's like, I'm just going to wing it. They're like, so what do you think? She's like, pilot flying. [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER] That lady said it makes any sense. And then they cut to her like testimonial and she goes, I'm competing with Miss America. I must have done something right. I'm like, you didn't. You paid a membership fee to enter this terrible competition that no one even bothered getting extras to show up at. There was like five people in the audience and they were all the family members of the cast members. I know. I'm like, you were not doing anything right. Mrs. America is doing something wrong. Yeah, exactly. Poor Mrs. America. I do have to say, she's the only one who's like legitimate. Like, I buy it. Yeah, she's pretty. She's poised. She is definitely like in a league way above everyone else. Yeah, I mean, she's just so beautiful and she holds herself so well and she's so confident. She doesn't give a crap. She's not afraid. That one, yes, for sure. But the rest of them, I was like, no, no. And I loved it. Vanessa was like, well, I wish I'd lost 10 pounds first. And I was like, oh, yeah. Especially when they're showing you a fucking close up of you eating steak or whatever. And weren't those lamb chops? I don't know. Every episode, she's stuffing her face with parfait or something like that. Yeah, it seemed like they were eating lamb chops. And then Susanna's like, is that steak? And she's like, yes, I think so. Looks like it. I'm like, you guys don't know what a lamb chop is? I didn't rewind, though. So I could be wrong on that. I just-- I really do think my favorite part of the episode, though, was when Lorianne got up to introduce herself on stage and totally messed it up. First of all, she comes in with this stance where it looks like she's about to go running away. And she's like, what a beautiful day for a pageant. I'm Lorianne. And I'm Mrs. Connecticut. But just the fact that she like started with this like canned phrase, like, what a beautiful day it could be. And she's like saying that like she wants to punch some in the face. It was like everything I wanted. And also that her husband was completely mortified. I love that, too. He's like, what? Oh, god damn it. Yeah, and the best part is he started to speak. He started to be like, no, that was so awesome. And then he realized there was no one sitting around him. He just stopped it, but his hand in his head. I love when they were doing-- I guess it was the swimsuit part. I think it was the swimsuit part. And they were like, this lady, let's welcome this lady who enjoys tennis and video games. Let's say hello to Lynn, who enjoys blah, blah, blah, blah, and motivational speaking. You were not a motivational speaker. It was one of her hobbies. Like she does, she's a motivational speaker. Who are you speaking to, motivationally? You dumb hoe, you are not a-- that's like me being like, Ronnie, let's say hi to Ronnie. Ronnie enjoys being a size two, and he enjoys doing surgery on the weekends. Like, you can't just make shit up. Well, you know that Lynn is as crazy as Sonia Morgan. You know, Lynn is saying, well, I've taken all sorts of LGBT youth. And I have people who write me letters. And I'm very big in San Tropez, which is a tanning salon in town. Do you know how many maids I've motivated to clean toilets? So many. And if they don't, I chop their fingers off one by one. Whoa, Lynn, it's not motivational, I'm at Lynn. Every time I go into the hair salon and I have the woman there dye my hair blue at the chips. And they start crying and saying, how is this my life? I tell them, no, this is a good thing that you're doing. You shouldn't feel sad about it. You were not a beauty school dropout. When I go to restaurants and they hand me a menu, I look it over to decide what I'm going to have. And when they come back to my table, I motivate them to bring me an iced tea, an entree, and occasionally a dessert. When my husband, Julia, cries at night and says, why does this have to be the arranged marriage? Why was she the one chosen for me? I tell him, no, it's OK because you can't do any better. And that really motivates him to feel better. Oh, what's saying this? Oh, what do this to me? Oh, what's saying this to me? It never even held an illegal drug in my hand. I don't even know what it looks like. I have a license with a free of crime, and I went together, and they said, my colleagues, they said, are you trying someone? And I said, no, I'm not a fan, and who does that? Meanwhile, Leah, speaking of other people taking themselves, seriously, she's like, I decided that with everything going on, it would be too much security. It'd be too much if I competed. So I decided not to compete. Mike, Lady, you're the one who asked for the restraining order, so you can probably take it away if you want to compete. This is not-- don't blame the whole situation. You can fix it. Well, it's her husband. Yeah. It's obviously not her at all. It's totally her husband, 100%. And he sits there. He comes in like a total brute, sits there, eats all the food, and just eats with his mouth open and stares at everybody. Like, he's going to fucking murder him. And then what does he do in the pageant? He sits there, and he laughs at everyone. Yeah, exactly, which is what started this whole thing. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, he's a pig. But I love that the producer is obviously told her, you can't just not let her compete. Like, that's not fair. She's going to do it. And if you don't want to take away the restraining order, you don't have to. Because I don't think she would have done that on her own. I think she would have forced Lynn out if she could have. Yeah. But I still like that she walked through Foxwood's casino with her stupid, like, Mrs. Rhode Island, United States, like, Pawtucket County sash in the ground. Because you know what the crowd at Foxwood's is like, right? I mean, yeah. Oh, yeah, I've been there. I've been there. It's the first casino I ever went to. And yeah. It's pretty intense. It's like taking a walk through an unemployment line, but with chandeliers and a lot of dinging sounds. Well, what's also funny is that the editors did include, like, a little moment where Nick patted. Like, when he was laughing at the contestants, he patted Vanessa's husband on the shoulder, like, in this very friendly way, which I think-- I feel like they kept that in there almost to-- it's almost like a wink at the fact that later when they had the premiere party for this show, that Nick bit that guy's ear. Like, bit it off, I think. Oh, yeah. I was wondering about that, because one of the husbands was laughing with Nick. Is that the one? Yeah, and then-- but, I mean, Nick is an asshole. I mean, honestly, like, if you were a cop and you bite someone's ear off, do you still get to be a cop? Yeah, of course. I mean, hello, look at the news. You can shoot people. I know. I mean, seriously, I mean, Nick is probably so-- You can shoot people and then fucking stupid people on Facebook start a fund for you so that you're OK. I'm like, oh, I'm glad that the cop has a quarter of a million dollars now when the kid's dead. Like, what the fuck is wrong with everybody? You know, the cops get away. They don't-- they can do whatever they want. You know that Nick is, like, chomping the bit to go down to Ferguson and, like, throw cement blocks at protesters. Oh, my god. No, don't even start real life. Don't even start me on real life. You do not want to hear my take on real life. Isn't this real life isn't what we're talking about? Ugh! Game of crowns, Ferguson. No! So the next-- this week coming up is a season finale. I don't think we're going to get a reunion. I'd be shocked. Although if there's ever a show that, like, demands a reunion, it's this one. I mean, I hope they at least give, like, a janky reunion in the clubhouse, but I don't think it's going to happen. No, well, he might do that. He might do, like, a watch what happens-- or watch what happens thing and invite them on. But, yeah, this show's pretty much dead. Bravo doesn't care, because they had promise to show they were moving it to Mondays. Remember, they did that move. Well, they-- they showed two in a week. Like, they showed one on Sunday and then one on Monday, but nobody knew. So nobody watched one of them. Right. And then they just did it back to Sunday. And then they're also, like, putting "Don't Be Charty." I think they're probably trying to help "Don't Be Charty" for the party. So that's, like, after New Jersey now. So Game of Crowns is even later in the night. Yeah. I mean, they don't even air promos for it anymore. Yeah, they don't bother with this show. This show's so dead. It's a shame. It's so sad. It's so good. Everyone of this one would blossom in season two, because there would be new people to do it. You know, like, every time I invite people over to my place and I show them Game of Crowns, they are cracking up. I just showed it to two people this week. And they were, like, dying with laughter. They couldn't believe it was a real show. And I'm saying, somehow we got to save it. But I don't think-- if we couldn't save Gallery Girls, we're not going to be able to save Game of Crowns. I think Gallery Girls was almost worth it. I mean, I think that was more worth saving than this one. This one, only-- the reason I say it's not as worth saving is because there's already so many shows about these women at this age being so desperate and needy and sad and fucking each other over. And, you know, we talk about this often, but I had a busy week, because it was, like, birthday and work and a bunch of stuff going on. So I didn't watch all of these until last night at, like, 10 at night I started, and then I finished this morning. And when you watch them all on a row like that, all these women screaming at each other just for hours on end, like, oh, yeah, we don't need any more of that. Yeah. And, you know, the thing is, it's a little, actually, off of Bravo's brand, because these women are not as wealthy or as, like, chic as sort of Bravo, like, their cast to be. I mean, I'm not saying that the people on Atlanta are wealthy because everyone's bankrupt, but they have, like, expensive things. Whereas these women, they're more, like, this is definitely-- Well, this is what the show looks cheap. Yeah, this is definitely like a TLC in everything. This should be on TLC. Well, this is where it started. It was a pilot on TLC, I believe, last year. People were posting about it on our page last year. They showed, like, an hour of it, and it was about the "Mrs. Pageant." So it had to be "Game of Crowns." And I guess TLC didn't pick it up and Bravo bought it. Yeah, it's a surprising move. I think, to those of you who missed it, I'm sorry for you. Yeah, guys, you missed a part of American history that no one's going to remember in five seconds, but it was still amazing to us. Yeah, I think also, by the way, it has a terrible title. I know they're doing a "Game of Thrones" parody, but it's like a terrible title, "Game of Crowns." It's so stupid. Yeah, it is, because it sounds like it's about dentists. Right? And by the way, I-- We're obsessed with "Game of Thrones." I had a crown today. And I wanted to make a "Game of Crowns" pun, but I knew no one would get it, because no one watched the show. Oh, well-- Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yeah, I got a-- well, they watched "Game of Thrones," though, so that would have made sense. I actually am missing half a tooth in the back, like I'm really ghetto, and I don't have insurance yet, so I can't get it fixed. And it's so sharp. I can't even make out with anybody, because I'll cut themselves. All righty. I need a crown. Let's start a fund. Oh, we should start a fund. Let's start a Kickstarter for my crown. OK, guys. You should go to my dentist. I don't have insurance, either. But they-- they-- You have insurance? No, because the thing is this. When you are not employed, if you get your own private dental insurance, it's like a racket. Because what happens is you wind up spending more on the premiums than for the coverage. So for instance, if you get your cleaning and your cleaning costs like about $100, that's fine. But you're spending, like, how much a month? It'd be like 60 a month, even. So you are putting more into these premiums, and you're only getting-- if you were to get that cleaning with the insurance, it might be like $75 instead of $100. Like, it's not that much of a savings. So my dental office was like, stop paying for dental insurance. So there, that's a little pro tip for everyone out there. Oh, that is a good tip. Because I was like, I need to get insurance, because I used to pay so much down money for insurance. And then the Obamacare stuff came out, and I was signing up for that. And I was like, this is not cheaper than my other insurance. It was all for like, HMO doc, like really-- sorry for HMO doctors out there, no offense, but like the shittiest of the shitty doctors. Like, I would drive past the places. I was checking a couple of them out. And I'm like, I'm not going to a doctor in like a strip mall. It looks like a planned parenthood, and like, I'm not going in there. Yeah. So anyway, we'll figure that out, guys. You see, real life is seeping into this podcast every which way, because the world is going to shit. But you know what, everybody, let's just dump some ice water on our heads, OK? And just wait for the drought. Have we fixed AIDS? Have we fixed cancer? I mean, Lou Gehrig, do we need to rebrand that disease as something else? Was Lou Gehrig not popular enough anymore? Fuckers. Jesus, that's making me crazy. OK, what else? Although there is a new Facebook video of a baby saying, fucking bloody hell, or something like that, that's amazing. So I forgive Facebook. I don't know if I would necessarily do the ice bucket challenge with a two-year-old. But apparently, some parents thought that was cool, so. Seems a little extreme to me. That was amazing. She's like, I nominate Wabut. Splash. What the bloody fucking hell? I was right there with that girl. I was like, yeah, I would, of course. I did the ice bucket challenge last week, and I was like, I don't want to even do this. Oh, shit was so funny. So do you want to do OC? Let's do OC. Yay. Yay. OK, Tamara. Oh, my goodness. OK, poor Tamara. I know that her greatest fear of life is aging. Too late, get over it, it happened. It's like me going bald. You can't stop baldness, OK? You can buy a wig, but everybody's going to know it's a wig. OK, so there are some things about yourself you have to accept, Tamara. Get over it, because you've got so many injections, your nose is permanently scrunched up, and it looks like you're smelling your old loose-asked farts all night long. It's gross. Stop it. Yeah. I mean, what can I say to that? It's all true. Hey, I hit the desk so hard that it reloaded my page. But that was-- Wow. It's the ghost of Tamara Barney. Yeah. Yeah, but seriously, that face. Oh, ouch, Tamara. She's just a hideous, hideous person. Wait, I have to stop for one second and just say, I looked on Twitter just now, and I just got a follow from someone named Jocasta's bow tie. That's a big brother reference. Anyway, you know, Tamara is-- Hello, ring ring. Hello, Jocasta, it's your bow tie. I just got myself all tied up. I'm like, you funny bow tie, click. By the way, I just got a text. Ariana Grande is about five minutes away. So just everyone stays tuned. Oh my god, I'm so excited, because I just read this article about how mean she is to her fans. And I was like, no way. It's not the best. I don't believe it. Well, for those of us who saw her on "American Idol" this season, she made an appearance. And I was like, man, that girl is cold. She was real cold to everyone. Oh, she was? Oh, yeah. I just took it-- initially, I sort of thought, she's either really cold or she has no personality. But I'm starting to think it might be a little bit of both. Yeah, my friend worked on the Billboard Awards or whatever a few months ago. And they said that she and Iggy Azalea, because they do that song together, that they hate each other. And Ariana just gave her delivery books a whole time. And Iggy just looked at her like, fuck you, bitch. They hated each other's guts, which I think is rooming money. Sounds like one more, one more problem. You know what? Gossip being about 40-year-old ladies is sad enough without gossiping about 21-year-old girls. OK, so let's get back to Tamara Barney. Talking about one more more problem. Yeah. I imagine that when you have sex with Tamara, it sort of sounds like that saxophone and the problem song. [SINGING] I think it's probably like when Boy Scouts are trying to make fire without flint. And they just keep rubbing the sticks against rocks. [LAUGHING] You know, I just started watching great fat finally last night. And I feel like having sex with Tamara is what the entire Foley department sounds like. It's like some frick bad. A lot of clanking, glass shattering. Maybe a gunshot, some liquid, and some steam. Some old people being melted. Yeah, exactly. Sound of a bathtub. Sound of acid chewing, that's the way I do a bathtub. That's sort of what we have sex with Tamara. Having sex with Tamara is like the pilot of Breaking Bad. Sandy, fumes, a little bit of lung cancer. He's spending the entire episode trying to find out where the fly is. [LAUGHING] Sort of have like carwash smells. Yeah, total like a little pine cone thing. It's like pine cone from above, but like rank post below. Sort of you hear the sound of a chair being moved on the class. Look, I'm no stranger to drama, obviously. I live for it. But sometimes, even I need to put down the remote and escape for a little bit. And if a drama-free paradise is what you're looking for, then have I got the place for you? A ruba! It's the opposite of Scary Island. It's officially known as One Happy Island because of its friendly, warm, and welcoming culture. Spend your days lying on some of the best beaches in the world under the sunniest skies in the Caribbean, and you'll see why this island is the number one guy in the group in the best way. Get a beachside massage with locally grown aloe, or adventure outdoors with a high chorice snorkel. No matter what you do in a ruba, you'll find happiness. That happy, relaxing feeling you find on a ruba sores that stays with you. There's no drama. It's just a sun-soaked, white sand beach, crystal blue water escape that will leave you feeling Giovanni, baby! So save yourself the stress and headache of planning a vacation, and instead, book a rejuvenating trip at aruba.com. Reconnecting with people in your life is so important and sending a holiday card is a meaningful way to do that, but it can be hard to know where to start. Shutterfly makes it so easy to share a custom card that's perfectly you. Shutterfly has a style for everyone. Find a card that reflects your vibe. No professional photos, no worries. Shutterfly multi-photo designs are great for candid photos, travel photos, or even school photos. I love the Shutterfly card feature because I'm so lazy about going to a store and getting a card for people. And so this way, I can just be on my phone. I can take a photo. I can upload it to Shutterfly. I can make the card right there and send it off without having to leave my home or wherever I am. I've been making really funny ones. I mean, I'm the new Maxine. Find the perfect holiday card for you at Shutterfly.com and start customizing today. Enjoy 40% off your Shutterfly order with promo code Crap and Sporty and send something meaningful this year. Get free shipping on qualified orders. See site for more details. (maniacal laughter) (maniacal laughter) That's what legs open me up. I'm so jealous that you're just starting raking bad. What a good show. I'm so excited. No, no spoilers, no spoilers. What a good show. They all die. Okay. (maniacal laughter) Sorry, that was not me laughing. That was also my impersonation of Tamma's legs opening up. (maniacal laughter) Oh, we are so misogynists. I'd say we, it's like clearly me. I'm like, how could you like it? - The word just gives me to the men. There's just not as many of them on. - Yeah, exactly. - I don't hate you because you're a woman. I hate you 'cause you're an asshole. - Yeah. - Yeah. That's right. - I'm so sick of everybody's fucking outrage all the time. Like seriously, and I know I'm one to talk because I'm like outraged for an hour and a half every week when we do this. - I know. - So trust me. I see the irony, but I'm just like, every comment thread you read, they're like, why are you being mean to Tamra? Or like, everyone's just so outraged. Like, Tamra, I can't believe you would say that to so-and-so. You're a horrible mother. Outrage, internet, outrage, wack. - Jesus, calm down, people. - You should just be like, listen, I'll just try to give a piece of advice. Just try to give some advice. - I'm just trying to help you grow. - I was just trying to help you grow. - It was a patty baby. - I'm a bad person, I'll grow, okay? And I'm just trying to give you some advice. Okay, I'm jumping ahead, let's go back to OC. So, I actually, for some reason, I can't remember anything that happened. - Okay. - Okay, let me remind you how these all start. - Yeah. - Hey everybody, I'm Andy Cohen, welcome to my beach house. We're here with the cast of Real Housewives. Hi Tamra, hi Andy. - Hi Andy. - Hi Heather. - Hi Andy. - Heather, I love your bangs. - Thanks, I just caught them like five minutes ago. - That's so bold. - Thanks, I just caught them two days ago. I caught them five minutes ago, 'cause that's just how I am. I'm very like of the people and do things for the moment. Did not absolutely cut these five days ago. - Hi, Kentucky Fried Titties. - Hi Andy, and that was a very crass remark, but I'm gonna attribute it to Tamra. - Hi Shannon, hope you're not crazy today. What did you say to Shannon? What was her thing? - What's the score? - Oh yeah, what's the score, B-Door? - Well David, David told me that we're winning. So we're winners, David, David, are we winning? - No matter what happens today, David's gonna lose. That's the score. - Yeah, so Andy still hasn't fixed that whole, like how to say hello thing. - You didn't even say hi to Vicki. - Oh yeah, hi Vicki. - Hi Andy. - I don't know, I can't do any of these women. - Vicki, thank you for the double meatloaf covered in saran wrap on your chest. That's really appetizing for everyone at home, I'm sure. So thanks for that. - That's all a stomach name for baby Troy, double meatloaf. - You know, I feel like Vicki listens to all this and like reads the internet too much and people kept making fun of her square tips. So she got like round ones and they're almost worse than the square ones. Do you know what, put them away. Just put them away. If your silver's rusty, leave it in the drawer girl, don't bring it out at the dinner party. No one can eat with rusty silverware, Vicki. - Yeah, basketball should stay on the court, not on your chest. - Yes, it's disgusting, I don't want to see it. - Yeah, especially 'cause it looks like one of those rubber things that drag queens wear, so they can like wear low cut things. They were like rubber chest pieces. That's what-- - Oh really? Oh, is that what they do? - Yeah, have you not noticed that? - I didn't notice it, although, you know, this weekend I was in Phoenix and I went to like their big gay club and there was a drag show going on. And let me tell you something, those Phoenix drag queens are in Eiffel. I'm sure there was a lot of stuff going on there. - You know my friend Jmo, he's a recapper at TV-gasm. He's a big guy, he's a bear. And he's a backup dancer for a drag queen, like he's done it for 10 years. And he's the best fucking thing I've ever seen. Yeah, he's in Phoenix. He's like Phoenix is drag queen, backup dancer. - Didn't I meet him once? - Yeah, you've met him a couple, I think we've bought it a couple times. - You know, he probably was at that club. I probably missed him. - Probably if there were some good old bear backup dancers like shaking their shit, it was probably him. - I don't know, I didn't post like drag things on his recap all the time. And yeah, they're a different brood out there. And they're awesome. - It was definitely crazy. Like, you know what, a lot of the gay guys there were actually very prissy, shockingly prissy. They were like turning their nose up at everything. And like, I mean, to be fair, I was with a group of people and that were like, it's working like crazy. I'm not a very good twerker, but my friends were like kind of undulating like crazy and I'm not sure Phoenix had seen that before. - But there was like a lot of prissy going on in that club. It's called Charlie's, if anyone's ever been there before. - Well, I'm glad that there was a lot of prissy gays in Phoenix because they need to turn the tide in Phoenix. - Yeah, they do. - I mean, Arizona has really gone fucking crazy with gay people. Someone needs to turn that shit up. - Yeah, yeah. And all the bartenders were very bro. Like when I signed up my tab, the bartender like gave me like a handshake and pulled me in for a hug, but not like, it wasn't like a flirty thing. You just like, thanks bro, thanks for coming in bro. - Oh, like what? - Yeah, welcome to everywhere else in the world. Well, you're from the east coast which no offense is kind of cold. Like I'm not you, 'cause I remember when I moved to the east coast, I was like, you guys are fucking cold out here where I'm from everybody's like, hi, like you walk up the street and they're like, hi, how you doing? - Well, good evening, ma'am. Hello, you going to a store and they're like, love your car. Oh, I love your shirt, where'd you get that at? And they'll sit there and talk to you. And the east, and the east, they don't do that. But yeah, most like normal places, people are nice. It's only here, you can't be nice to people 'cause the minute you smile at someone, they're trying to get money from you or fucking telling you some sob story about how their kids locked in the car down the street and they just need $100 from your paper. Whatever, they're all trying to scam you. (laughing) - Anywho. - Anywhozles. - Anywhozles. - What's going to happen in Phoenix? Where are we talking about Phoenix? - Oh, 'cause I don't know, why don't I mention that? Oh, we're talking about drag queens. - Oh, we're talking about bad chicks. - I saw drag queens. I saw drag queens in Phoenix. - Sorry, Phoenix. I'm sorry that bad plastic drag queen boobs brought up Phoenix. I'm sorry. Are we all on a apology? - I know, I've already spent too much time in Phoenix this weekend. I don't need to go revisit it in my brain. Although it was actually the most fun, it was the best weekend, sorry. - Yeah, Phoenix is a great place. Scott's still is a really fun place, too. Phoenix is a great town. It's just Arizona needs to kick out their homophobic, racist fucking government. - Yeah, exactly. - Although, even though I just said that, I kind of love Sheriff Joe. I like that he's like, all right, illegals, here's a camp and here's some tents. You guys have fun now or get your driver's license. All right, when you can learn to read a book to me, I'll let you go. It's like, whoa, that's creepy and horrible. And I kind of love him. He needs a show. - Okay. - You will get one. - Yeah, he will one day. Real house, I'm turning my pages like I wrote something and I didn't write anything. Tamara just yelled a lot. Okay, so Heather got bangs. She still looks fucking awful. Oh, someone posted on her Facebook page something really cool that I'm sorry, I can't remember. And it'll take me too long of silence to look for it. But it was a picture that Heather posted of herself on like, lookalike.com and it's her next to the evil mother from Coraline. So I don't know if that's a sign that she listens to this show, but God, I hope not. And if so, Heather, that's been awful. Get that stick out of your ass, girl, geez. - Yeah, I think it's a sign that she has eyes, you know? She just looks herself in the mirror. Although I personally think she's more maleficente than anything else. - She wishes. - She wishes. - Bitch wishes. She's not actually, you know. Actually, you know who looked like a maleficent? Shelly from Game of Crowns and she put that wrap up in her hair and went off to the page and she looked just like Maleficente. - Oh, yeah. Well, she's beautiful. You can call her. - It was like a more like the-- - It was like a more like the Gerbil that Richard gear shoved up his butt in the '80s. - Like a Cheshire Cat grin. Anyway-- - Cheshire Cat. - She is the Cheshire Cat. - You see the Cheshire Cat grin. It's like the grin that Cheshire Cat makes while he's sharding. (laughing) - Thanks for having me, Andy. I sharded on your couch. - Oh, it's funny 'cause it's true. Oh, oh, so wait. So what happened? What are these women arguing? - Heather got things. That was the whole episode. I was like, wow. - Heather got that. Well, no, let's see. Pretty much, let's see. Lizzie took a bunch of shots at Tamara, which I enjoyed personally 'cause Tamara's so awful. And even though Lizzie has become kind of like a whiny sad sack, I still like when anyone piles onto Tamara. - I do too, and Tamara's ready for it. I mean, Tamara knew coming into this, like this is the woman who's deleted her Facebook page a few times because people are so awful on it. She had this thing for God. I just read on stupidhousewives.com, which is where I go for most of my housewives gossip, y'all. I just, let me see if it's still on there. I read that she just took it down again today 'cause people were so mean to her after watching the reunion that she was like, oh, yeah. Tam Ball's Delete's Facebook page again, LOL. She says that Eddie calls Real Housewives of Orange County viewers ignorant. - Oh, please, please, please. But when she did have her Facebook up, she had something like coming to cut fitness for like a half a, you know, 50% off a class or something. And then the comments under it were like, "You're a cunt, Tamara." (laughing) It was kind of amazing. But yeah, Tamara's awful, and she came in ready to go. Her face doesn't move, but her eyes still squint, and that nose still scrunches up. And she looks more and more like a possum every day. - Mm-hmm. - Or an opossum, if you're from the east. - Oh, one of those beavers in the gutter that you see in your street. (laughing) - One of those beaver gutter beavers. (laughing) - Not a nature person, okay, guys? - It's okay, it's okay. - So, yeah, everybody was ready to go at her. Lizzie, I still can barely remember anything she said. Like, I don't know why she's here, she needs to go. Heather was totally showing up, like our Facebook page, basically the word back pedaling has used a lot, which is a perfect way to put it. She just basically showed up, ready to apologize and try and get out of it. But the way Heather apologizes is so rude and non-apologetic that it doesn't work. Because she's like, "Well, I'm sorry, but, you know, "it was bigger in my head, I guess, than it really was, "so I'm sorry, but you were crazy, "and you were acting like this, "and you were giving me that look." I'm like, "You just said you apologize, "and you're still accusing her of the same shit, Heather." - I know, I mean, she's, I get, talking about Heather makes my blood boil, 'cause she's so, she doesn't even see the other side. Like she doesn't, she, she, like you said, she has like these rehearsed apologies, but I like what Shannon, how Shannon is sort of like, "Well, now, notice that I accept your apology, "and that you only had to apologize once, "where as I have to apologize over and over and over "to Heather DeBrow." - Yes, and by the way, I love the montage of Shannon calling Heather Heather DeBrow. (laughing) She's like, "Well, I don't understand why "I always have to do things for Heather DeBrow." (laughing) - Not a fan of Heather DeBrow. - How many times must I apologize to Heather DeBrow? - Yeah, Shannon, I think held, handled herself pretty well. The best part for me was when they brought the husbands out, they brought David and Terry out, and Terry is wearing like Frankenstein shoes, I don't know what he's doing, and he's obviously in the wrong with his Ruth Buzzy face, and he's sitting there, obviously wrong, everybody knows he's wrong, and Terry's not an idiot, he's a smart person, so he knows he's wrong too, but he's married to this awful, frozen, crotched ice queen, and it's easier to be wrong on TV than right at home. You know what I mean? - Yeah. - Yeah, so he's doing whatever he can to stay on her side, and that was pathetic, and then David was nice. He's like, "I apologized, I meant it." I mean, what's the big deal? David, everyone talked about how hot David is. - Yeah, what he did look great. - How much everyone's like, "Of course everyone flirts with him, he's hot." And then Shannon's just sitting there getting more and more pissed at everyone's calling her husband hot, and I'm like, "You know, Terry's mad at someone." David's saying spread your legs to Heather, but no one's getting mad for poor Shannon that all these women are like calling her husband fuckable and saying they do him. Like, it's a double standard, you know? - Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. - And then Andy's like, "Well, what about Eddie?" And then they show a clip of Eddie being like, "Yeah, ride him like you, ride that toothpick at home, dude. Yeah, poke it like you poke a fucking stone with a stick or whatever." - And he's like, "Well, Eddie's a friend." - Yeah, but not only that, he's like, "Eddie's a friend," and when he says it, he was talking about Heather and I doing it together. When David did it, David was like, "You're so wrong on this, can you just say sorry?" And he's like, "You are making sexually provocative comments at my wife, I'm not saying sorry." - Great, it was truly frustrating TV to watch. - Great point, Terry. And then Andy, it's like, he just has no way of telling the temperature of the season. The best parts of the season weren't even shown. It was all like, "Everyone's kid is leaving the house." - No one cares, stop with these same fucking storylines. You know what, we just saw this on the past five housewives you've had on the air, you fucking twat. Change the story, stop talking about it. I don't wanna watch Tamara Fake Ray again. - Yeah, or watch Brianna on like a grainy skype cam with baby Troy and baby Ethan or whatever his name is. - Hot topping all the children into the world, that's what we need. - I know, Oklahoma should kick them out. - They probably will at this rate if Vicki keeps her fucking mouth yapping. - Well, I just would be very scared for when they go couch shopping. - God, couch shopping. - Oh. (laughing) - Still a reference to last season. - Sorry, you're too smart for these shows. - No, I'm joking. - Dumb it down, Ben. Dumb it down. - I'm trying my best, trying my best. Heather looks like a puppet. The DeBros tripped over each other, trying the back pedal. I second the back pedaling. - Oh, and then there's also more brook stuff. I mean, like, I'm a little over Tamara, doesn't like brooks or whatever. Like, I mean, the only thing that was good about that was that Vicki started to yell. And you know, when she yells, she gets that crazy voice. But like, I'm really sick of the reunions being the time when we hash out like Tamara saying, I like bricks for you. I don't like them that much as a person. And Vicki saying, why does it matter who you'd like? Yeah, I didn't ask you what you were liking at all. - And it's like over and over and over again, every single year. - Yeah, that's the same thing over and over. Brooks is so gross. Look, here's why Vicki stays with Brooks, okay? Because Vicki has square boobs. She has a terrible controlling personality. She found someone who tells her what she wants to hear and does her enough and lets her do her thing. And that's it. He'll sign up, bring up. Like the end, like you really don't need all that much in a relationship, you know? People make all these big checklists of what they need. You need someone to fuck you and someone to be nice to you. That's it. I mean, unless you're poor, then you need someone rich. But Vicki's not poor. So she just needs someone to fuck her and be nice to her if she's got them. I mean, the guy speaks in greeting cards. - Yeah, exactly. And you know, I actually trust that Vicki is pretty smart about her money and she doesn't like to like part with it. And so I don't think that Brooks is gonna get his hands on her money. - Oh no, well she talked about having to give Don half of her business. - Oh yeah, she did not like doing that. - Yeah, so you know that her ass is not doing anything without a prenup, especially to someone who doesn't even pay his child support. Like she's not that stupid. - Yeah, no, she knows what she's got. She just doesn't care. Like if you're a controlling person and you've got a toothless hick who can't even pay his child support, you know he's not going anywhere. That guy will be nice to you just because he knows he can go eat at the claim jumper later. (laughing) - Sometimes that's better than having like a real confident man with a career. They're all fucking everybody else. - Yeah. Losers guys date them. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Workout for Gretchen. She's never been happier. - Yeah, exactly. - What else happened on this stupid fucking reunion? Tamara screaming at everything. Good, Tamara. - That's my opinion! (laughing) - You're disgusting! - Hey Tamara, yelling it and like spewing venom doesn't help your case. It just makes you look crazier. And especially because you're wearing earrings from Claire's. - Medusa, Medusa face. - Yeah, she's pretty awful. But we did not see the extent of it 'cause she is really gonna get it in this reunion. You know she's-- - Oh yeah, oh yeah. And she's gonna, you know, it's not gonna get her down. She'll be back and she's gonna turn on her. I mean, she's gonna, next year it's Heather. Heather's gonna be in Tamara's crosshairs. Just you wait. Tamara knows who to go against. - Heather, oh yeah, 'cause Heather's the hated one this year. - Yeah, Tamara will take Heather down. Will not take her down, she'll just be awful to her. - I think so, but she tried that this year and it really didn't work out for her. - Yeah, but it's only for a little bit. And then they wound up being allies against Shannon, so. - But I think that Heather is, I think that Heather is one of those rare cast members of a housewives show that actually believes she's real friends with them. And I think that she calls Tamara to go to dinner and stuff during the year. I think it's like she actually hangs out with, or tries to hang out with Tamara. - But that doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. - Well, to Tamara, yeah, that's true. We're talking about Tamara. - Yeah, Tamara will go after anything. - Yep, so are we done with that? Is there more? I don't remember what more-- - There's nothing more than that. I feel like there was more of it. - Yeah, let's move on to Malbin. - Malbin, real housewives of Malbin. This show is so stupid. Okay, one of my best friends, Aileen, I was like, you have to watch this show. It's so good. And she of course watched it in the day, 'cause she's unemployed right now too. And she was like, that was the tackiest shit I've ever seen in my life. And I was like, wait, you watched 'em all in a row. And she's like, I have nothing to do. I didn't want to get off the couch to turn it off. It is the dumbest show, and I still love it. - It is. She, I feel like this latest episode was nothing but Andrea being like, I'm just trying to give some advice. I just like, I liked, I'm that person's growth. And I just want to give some advice. And that's all I want to do. - It's the worst human being ever, okay? The fight was already solved, and now they're at another person's birthday party, and she brings up the fight again, that she's not even in. She's like, well, you know, she brought it up at that girl's party, and I didn't really like it. And I think we need to talk about how she needs to stop trying to be a barrister in real life, you know? You're a barrister when you're in the courtroom, but now you earn real life. - All I'm trying to do is give you some friendly advice and let you know that you're just coming out a little too hard. You know, you're a barrister, and I know you deal with facts. But you know what, these are your friends, this is in the courtroom, and you have to be a little softer. That's all, just some friendly advice. - But she starts it out by going, all right girls, to the whole group gathered at the birthday party. She's like, all right girls, so if your friend had some advice for you, would you want it to tell you, or would you want it to keep it a secret? And they're like, oh no, you should tell her, but you know, in private, you know, pull her aside. - In five minutes, and as gently as possible. - Yeah. - And she's like, all right, well, Gina, it's you I'm talking about. - And Gina's like, what I don't feel I'm talking about this right now. - And Gina's like, of course it is. - Easy target. - Easy target. Easy target. You go to the bathroom, and talk about Lydia's book. - Oh, there she is, so she's like, I'm not talking about this. I'm going to the toilets, so she goes, she goes with the other chick to the bathroom, and I guess she thinks her microphone is turning off 'cause she's pooping, but it's not. And so you hear her going to the bathroom, and she's like, and you know what, what about Lydia? What a cunt. I'm going to the bathroom, she's like, what a cunt. (laughing) - And that's a fact, 'cause I'm a bad person, I deal with that, so it's a fact that she's a cunt. - She's my favorite one, she is so funny. She's like, I'm going to tell her, you stupid cunt, what you going on about? (laughing) - And then she goes back and in, just still going on about like the advice, and she's like, well, I don't, Gina's like, well, I don't sleep well, I have to change, change who I am, and what my feelings are, what my brain is. - Yeah, she's like, you can't change someone's brain at a party. - Can I check someone's brain? And Jenna's like, well there you guys, my birthday. Let's go to the love machine. She's like, I like going to the love machine, because my ex has been used to run, and my son has, and it's just sort of like, the love machine's like a home away from home. I don't think any of the other girls have been there, so I'm excited to show them the love machine. And again, again, my point from last week stands up that even the most mundane things that they say, they announce them as, they say them in ways that they're telling like a cheeky joke. It's like, and then we go on to the limousine, and I just throw it, she's like, I'm really excited, because now we're going to go to the love machine. I'm excited because tomorrow I'm going to buy a lamp. I can't wait, tomorrow it's going to be raining. I just got back from the snow, and I just learned that the mail has arrived. I can't wait to show. - I love it. We're going to go to the love machine. - Go, love machine. - I don't think some of these girls knew what to do in the love machine. - Oh my God. So, love machine is this big club and it's gay night, and it's all the drag queens, which she did that on purpose, you know. - Where was Chica's husband? - Oh my God, yeah, probably in the bathroom servicing. So, everyone is, of course, I think they're being mean. Like Andrea thinks she's being mean. She's like, the difference between Gina and the drag queen is that the drag queen was Tola. - Well, I think it's Andrea's like the worst joke. She's the one last week who's making the Purcella queen of the desert jokes. She's like, the difference between Gina and a drag queen is that the drag queens are a little taller. I say that because Gina wears a lot of makeup. - Oh my God. - She's a little vice for you. If you need to make a joke, make sure you explain the afterwards. There's a little friendly advice on that personal growth. - That shit was so funny. But it was funny 'cause she thinks she's being so mean, but then it cuts to Gina and Gina's like, oh, I love the drag queens, you know, the hair, the makeup, they're like my sisters. - I feel like I'm at home. - Yeah, I'm at home. And just like, the only difference between Gina and the drag queen is the spelling of their name. Gina spelled G-I-N-A in the drag queen. Well, I don't know their name, but whatever it is, I'll learn it. And then you'll know that's the difference between two of them. Why? - Oh my God. So the other big thing was that stupid Andrea had a party, a focus group, because she's writing a book about how you can have it all. Yeah, how you can marry a rich fucking ugly dude. That's how you can have it all fucking hired you nannies and shit, like you ever did anything. So she's got these lists that she makes for her multiple nannies and they're like checklists of shit that they have to do, like put the kids to bed, feed the kids, water their plants, and she's gonna make a book out of them. And the focus group is like, this is just a list. And frankly, nannies shouldn't be doing all of this stuff. These aren't nanny duties. And she's like, oh, I keep the nannies after and I make them clean the kitchen for an hour later. - Than the shift. - There's just some friendly advice for you that you should have your nannies with a lot of work. And if you're not doing that, you get the wrong idea on what a man is supposed to do. Just a little friendly advice, that's all. - What the hell kind of advice book is that? Not only like get a nanny, 'cause that is not a woman having it all, okay? That's a woman hiring out, okay? - Yeah, it's an outsourcing bitch. - It's a woman having all the nannies 'cause she has to go through them all because they probably are quitting after a day. - Yeah, well, yeah. She's like, if they're staying hour later than the shift and cleaning the kitchen, they're in trouble. - Here's my tip, here's my tip. I hire a koala bear to be my nanny and never talks back to me 'cause I can't even speak. - It's koala bear. - One of the baby's heads off, but frankly it was a loud baby, so I didn't care. I just had another nanny coming and cleaning it up. - The only time I had to fire my koala bear nanny was when it was eating its own shit, which is something that koalabears do. - So I said, I don't like that around here, stop kissing my children on my mouth to kill the bear. - I don't let my nannies kiss my babies on the lips 'cause I don't want them getting cold souls. (laughing) - But here's the tip. - But here's a tip, always hire nannies that have herpes. They have nothing to live for. They know they'll never have sex with someone else. So they'll take care of your kids, just have to have them kiss them. - Sometimes you can't control your kid giving kisses on the lips to the nanny, so the best thing to do is just get your nannies all sexually tested before they come into your home and then you don't have to worry if anything happens with your children. That's in my book. - Do you ever see a rash on your, if you ever see a rash on your nanny, send them to the snow. (laughing) Send them back to the snow. - Which came first, the HPV of the baby. (laughing) - I don't know, that's a question for the nanny to answer, it's on the list, it's all from your voice. (laughing) - You know what the only difference between a nanny and Geno is? Is that Geno's a baoist doing a nanny's a nanny? (laughing) (laughing) - Well, my favorite one is Janet, A, because she's like, baby, and I think it's amazing that she's like, I'm gonna fuck half the world. - Oh my God. - I love this, like, her whole storyline is fucking, I love it. And she's also like the nice one. It's like, why are these women being caddied to each other? It's ridiculous, isn't it? And then she goes straight, like, after the party, she goes to someone else and she's like, oh yeah, well in the bathroom, Gina told me that you were writing a book about vaginas. - I'm like, what? - I just like that, Janet's excited about everything. She's like, today it's my birthday, so you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna have some yogurt. She's like, I'm really excited to have some yogurt. Tomorrow I'm gonna take the elevator instead of the staircase. (laughing) I'm really excited. It's my birthday, it's my special day. So what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna wear some sneakers, I'm gonna make, I'm gonna wear some sneakers. - Whenever people show up, she's like, oh I go. - I like you. I like when she got her rings melted down. She was like, well, whatever, what's the psychic's name again? - Lady? - No, my idea. - Whatever her name is, she's like, Nicole, I don't think it's, no, but I'm gonna say it. It's like, Nicole told me, I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be getting rid of three pieces of jewelry. And it's so amazing, 'cause then I decide after that, I'm gonna go to the jeweler and give her the three pieces of jewelry. I'm like, lady, you're doing it because she told you to. It doesn't mean it's like-- - Yes, it's not psychic. - But whatever, I'm so happy for her. I'm happy she got her nice ring. And she's great, I love Janet. - Yeah, I love Janet too. But she went and started shit right after. But I love, oh, and then they showed Lydia. Oh, Lydia, the rich idiot. - Oh yeah, she's a idiot. - She's like, this piece is named after the Mona Lisa, which is of course in London's Louvre. - And then she saw-- - The Louvre of London. - And she's like, looks to the silo, it's right, right? - No, she's like, that's right, you know. As we all know, the Louvre, which is in London. And, you know, I remember the first time I went to the Eiffel Tower, which as we all know is in Finland. - She's ridiculous. So she's going to get art and she's like, well, you know, going to the Snow House in Turic, just all it did was inspire me to buy some old art for the Snow House. And so she's like going and it sees animals that are like plaster and covered in glitter. And she's like, oh, that's gold, yes, I want 'em both. (laughing) - How much, how much for the star of him, Snake? $50,000, yeah, that's pretty reasonable actually. - Oh, God, she's like, what does it represent? She's like, well, you know, the moon and the black cat 'cause the cat comes out at night. I'm like, you don't fucking know what you're talking about, like, I love how tranquil the puma is. It's very relaxed, it's just like lying there, it's very sublime. - And I love that she made another reference to the man in her house. She's like, oh, yeah, in my home with all those gorgeous men. I was like, oh, stop fucking your son, stop it. - Oh, God. Oh, God. - And I think that was it for that one, right? - Yeah, I think that's, oh, no, and then actually there was also this hilariously ridiculous scene where this psychic and her silver chair husband, they went and like, I think they were painting the artwork that's gonna go on the bottle of their whatever wine it is, I think they might be making "Miscada" or they're kind of like la "Miscada" or something like that. So they went and there was some artist who had drawn something on the canvas and then they were like dipping these flowers and paint and were like spraying it on there and like they were totally like having this one. Oh, it's like, I feel like I'm really releasing a lot of energy. I feel like all the things in my life are coming out right now and they're all coming out on this canvas. I feel like this is gonna be a beautiful piece of art. I'm like, Pollock is like rolling over in his grave. He's like, I wish I could take back all my splatters. He had no kidding. Anybody who's ever murdered somebody is like, (groaning) (laughing) So my beautiful work. So stupid. Yeah, I think that's it though. You know what? This was a great time, Ben. This was really fun. It was so, so great. It's a wonderful, Ben. So wonderful. All right, everybody. This was Watch What Crap-ins that you just listened to. So thanks. Come back next week. Come to our Facebook page. Facebook.com, Watch What Crap-ins to talk to us throughout the wag. And you can find me, Ronnie Caramet, Ronnie Caram on Twitter, Vine, Facebook, whatever. Or trashtarktv.com. Or youtube.com/trashtarkt-e-v-e-e-b-side-blog is bsideblog.com. Or @bsideblog on Twitter, Vine, Instagram. And Instagram. And the rest of the internet. And if you go look at my Instagram right now, you might just find a video of a dancing Katie did that I took. Oh, nice. Yeah, it's a little bug was dancing on a car route. Oh, you know what? I want to talk-- first of all, do you want to talk about Big Brother for five seconds? Yeah, for five seconds, sure. But I wanted to tell you that Dancing Bug was so cool. I was in my closet because I record music on my closet for fun. That's like my hobby. And I can only sing on my closet because my neighbors can hear me. And there was a static long list hanging upside down on one of the shelves. And I was singing right at it because that's where my mic is. And it started bouncing up and down to the rhythm of what I was doing. And I was high. But I thought it was the coolest fucking thing I ever saw. And I whipped up my phone to try and tape it. And of course, it stopped. And I couldn't get it to do it again. And then the next day-- and I was telling my friend Tricia. And she was like, whatever. I don't believe you. And then the next day you posted that. So thank you for at least proving that they do understand rhythm and they can dance back with us. Isn't that amazing? The animal world, guys. To be fair, it was already dancing. And then I provided the rhythm. Oh, I thought it was following your rhythm. No, it was supposed to be-- I was going to just record it walking around because it was just walking around and sort of being cute. And then it just started dancing. And so I started to dance. Oh, so I am crazy. Maybe I'm just crazy. No, you are actually crazy. Yeah, maybe I'm just crazy. OK, big brother. What do you think up? You know, it's such a bummer whenever they have twists where someone comes back in the house and you're ready for them to shake it up. And then they just wind up on the block. You know, I understand why the detonators have put Donnie and Nicole up on the block. And you know, because like, why cannibalize your own? And there are others to be taken out. But it's always such a short-sighted strategy because when these outsiders are gone, they're going to have to cannibalize themselves. And you actually-- it's better to strike first and have like an army of people behind you. Because you know, Cody is bang on Derek. And Frankie and Caleb are together. And you've got Victoria in there. And it's like, why let your fate be decided in such uncertain terms as who wins HOH? Why not strike first and take out a truly big threat? I mean, Donnie is a big threat, actually. Don't get me wrong. He is a big threat. Well, he would win the vote, probably. But Donnie's a terrible player. Like, he's really funny. But he's just awful. Like, every move that he's made has been terrible. He's telling everybody the wrong things are all talk-- when he knows they're in an alliance and they're going to be talking to each other. He's just really, really a horrible player. But he's really funny. And this week, he's been super snarky about everything going on. And he's just started kind of telling everybody off in like little funny ways. And it's hilarious. And I'm hoping they edit it into the show. Because I've been reading the live feed stuff. Like, I'm trying to think of something good, he said. I can't even think of it. But like, they were talking about one time when Victoria was on Slop. And he was like, well, you know, Victoria, the rest of us go on Slop. And it's like, we look on Hampton, we start losing all this weight. You don't. Oh, god. Like, it's not like that. It's like when he told Cody, when he told Cody's like, here, all season long, all season long. I thought you're just some stupid kid. Turns out you're a genius. And Cody's like, what the fuck? You're blowing smoke up my ass, and you're insulting me at the same time. And I'm H.O.H. So funny. Well, it's his way of being like, screw you. He knows I'm not going to keep him anyway. But this Frankie Grande thing is killing me. Oh, my gosh, make me crazy. I have to-- and how is it that he's in everyone's good graces again? Like, why did everyone forget that the entire house wanted him out two weeks ago? And everyone's like, yeah, let's go back after Donnie and Nicole. Well, when he said that he was going to use his sister's fame to keep him in the house, I thought, that is the dumbest move. Nobody's going to fall for that. And they all fell for it. Yeah, they did. Like, Caleb really thinks he's going to be dating Justin Bieber after this. Yeah. And by the way, if that article that we were just referring to earlier in the podcast about Ariana Grande has any legitimacy, we know that none of these people are going to be hanging out with Ariana, including perhaps Frankie. Oh, yeah. She's going to be like, I'm sorry, I'm done with you. And he's embarrassing. I think he's bringing a lot of negative attention to her, because she was-- she had nothing but positive attention before this show. Now people are like, what a dumb bitch. Look at this article. Oh, by the way, where was she? Did she ever park her car? You know, let me text her. It's so bad that we're telling you to bat our very own guests. Hold on. Ariana, are you here? She may be-- my building has a very confusing hallway situation, so she may be in the hallway. I'm sure she'll be here any second. OK. Well, should we just hang up? Yeah. I mean, maybe we should-- I really wanted superstar Ariana Grande to be on this podcast. But I'm just afraid that the podcast has to go out. So, I mean, we can't wait for her. All right, so we'll just hope that she can come back next week. Yeah, yeah, I guess so. I think she'll understand. She's taking a very long time to park and everything. OK, well, everybody, thanks so much for listening. We will talk to you next week, gang. Yeah. Bye. [MUSIC PLAYING] If you like listening to comedy, try watching it on the internet. The folks behind the sideshow network have launched a new YouTube channel called Wait For It. It's got interviews with comedians like Reggie Watts, Todd Glass, Liza Schleisinger, slicing driving friends with her for 10 years. 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