On this week's Watch What Crappens, Matt Whitfield (Yahoo), Ben Mandelker, (bsideblog) and Ronnie Karam (TVgasm) talk crap about the Real Housewives of Orange County's Heather going to dark side and the new wacky grandma on the scene. Then it's off to Married to Medicine to try and figure out how you're supposed to solve problems without alcohol. And don't worry, we didn't forget about NeNe's appearance on Watch What Happens or Bravo's new relationship dramz, Newlyweds. Come on in!
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Everyone who is posting things is hilarious. There are some really funny listeners that we have and I'm truly laughing here in my apartment and it's not just because of the coffee. Do you like your coffee like your men extra dark and black? Yes actually it's true. Black and strong. I have to give a shout out to one of our listeners, Teresa, Erdeline, Erdeline, I don't know if I said your name properly. We butcher all of their names so it really doesn't matter. I have to say she has been cracking me up with her comments on the page. I mean really cracking you up. She writes little funny remarks and they are so unpointed. I'm not my boy Roland Poland who has a boyfriend I found out because I asked him directly through the message boards. And you're gonna say that in front of his use. I don't know. Jesus and I are talking don't you worry. But now he's used to know that you're talking to Roland Poland. No. Roland Poland shut it down. Roland Poland was like no I got a boyfriend of eight years or something. It's not about what Roland Poland did. It's about what you did. You cheated on Jesus. I would never do that. I would never do that to a 20-year-old that lives millions of miles away from you. You commit once you flirt you commit to that flirtation. No one else. Okay Cupid is not working. I got a turn to other devices like our Facebook page. Well you should turn to something that you have to actually pay for. Okay Cupid is where all the four people go. Trust me that's where I'm on. You need to find something expensive. Excuse me my match.com which I pay for is ending this week and it accidentally updated itself and made me pay another $60 for three months and it was worthless because I don't want to date old dudes that live in Palm Springs. Oh no you definitely don't. You probably don't want to date young dudes in Palm Springs either. No and I and I even I wouldn't even date Vicky's disgusting boyfriend Brooks. Oh what about her? That's what the majority the people on match.com look like they all look like Brooks. Another thing about our Facebook page is that we are getting obsessed with finding tacky home decor and signing it to the housewives. And for about a few weeks now people have been posting images of Flirtelies and Fat Butler sculptures that one would one might find in Gretchen Rossi's apartment and I had the distinct pleasure this weekend of going to both Marshall's and Steinmark up in Valencia California. What the hell is Steinmark? I didn't know either but apparently Steinmark is like a northeast version of one of these stores. It's like apparently according to our friend Lisa Timmons it's sort of on par with Tuesday mornings. Oh I've heard of Tuesday morning is great. Yeah so we actually went in there and Steinmark was fantastic and I just I was just so happy that I could participate and take pictures of some you know classic Tamara Barney Jacqueline Lareda Gretchen Rossi home decor essentials. So the stuff you posted was hilarious but I will say this nothing in the world was funnier than the breakdown that you did of Gretchen Rossi's house room by room with bullets and captions I mean I to this day I am pissing my pants. And the readers should know the listeners should know these albums are ever evolving we are going to continue to put more photos into these albums all of us will contribute to it. So what did you think of the retro Facebook covers that I put up? I mean what about the ode to Lynn Curtain with her bedazzled cuff line? You know I love that map but I would like to pick a bone with you. Uh oh are you gonna give me shit for posting the sheer genius logo? No no never for that I'm gonna give you shit for posting Bethany's stupid thing. Okay it's one thing to post Bethany up there on the cover but it was actually like a promotional thing that you put up there it was like tune in in September I I just could not get behind that Matt I could not get behind us endorsing people to tune into her talk show. Oh we're watching it guess what because that's not on Bravo but we're adding it to our slate of must-watches. Here's the thing if you're gonna put up a photo of Bethany I wanted to be one of those ones where she's doing weird googly eyes or something like that but this one was like she was doing the Lydia before Lydia came to town. Oh yeah the pre Lydia but other than that I loved all your cover photos Matt. Great great curation. So this cover photo that's on now quad did you make that? No I stole it from Bravo. Okay that's a good one too that's actually a great one. Ronnie I can't do like lettering like that are you I thought you had done it Ronnie. The best part is that actually the the dirt part of dirty is covered up by a logo so it looks like it just says a low-down East Gondrel. I know it's like she joined the Real Housewives of Miyami. I hate him. Or we've got so many gay listeners maybe it just looks like a low-down white scoundrels like just somebody who hangs out at the Y all day. Steeling glimpses from the locker room. Oh my goodness so do we have any good gossip this week? Yeah. Alright can you share some of it? Would that be too much ask? Well I did want to say one thing about the Bethany show I think we should all support it because you know it's gonna piss stupid Joel's Erin off and she'll go spatting off at the mouth. Jill's Erin who now has some sort of jewelry line which was another cover photo I posted but she has a jewelry line. I thought that she was just making those like you know fake Spanx knock-offs for Macy's but she actually has a tacky ass jewelry line as well but I agree with Ronnie said anything that pisses Jill's Erin off we're supporting. Yeah sure you could see like the hot glue gun glue coming through those fake jewels on that. I mean that's some ugly ass jewelry. You know at my taste level when it comes to jewelry it's not so much my taste level but my ability to discern good jewelry from Bad jewelry is really at a Gretchen Rossi level so I'm sorry to say you're not a category expert. I don't know I don't know it's I think I know it's good jewelry but if I saw Bad jewelry I might not know that it's bad so I really can't comment and by the way speaking of jewelry I'm sorry to cut you off Ronnie but someone posted this I've got to find this I got to find this where is it okay you know what you talk I'm gonna find that it's on our Facebook page you you guys keep talking oh wait I found okay okay this is from Kathleen Donahue Becker Becker she posted it on our page a screenshot from Gretchen Rossi from her Twitter and someone has asked Gretchen you wear the best jewelry and accessories in your RHC interviews shop and Gretchen responds thanks a lot at TJ Maxx second week in a row even even the dogs agree Gretchen Ross has terrible jewelry tastes the view the post office guy had the nerve to come while we were doing our podcast dogs cannot just not bark yeah I love that the post office guy is called the post office guy and not the mailman yeah it's called respect don't be racist no it's it's because it's not the mailman it's actually someone who just works in the post office and it's just coming by to say hi well Ronnie actually does live to go or stop from the post office that's true and you live near the scary Russian post office yeah true you know you can just say the Russian post office because there's no scary is implied right there's no such thing as the fun and sweet and charming Russian post office I used to make our quotes of the week I used to live by the Armenian post office and trust me the Russian one is way way easier oh yeah but they're not like I need to ensure this for 18 million dollars they're like it's it's a five dollar box it goes anywhere for five dollars you can't ensure it for 15 million dollars yeah and by the way we continue to love of the quotes of the week from I think her name is Emmy I said last week was Emily I'm looking up her up now so many people write on our Facebook page that it takes oh my god people okay now that we're starting to talk about our users in the podcast now we're starting to get some hate mail up on the Facebook page where you're like you mispronounce my name or you you forgot to mention me you've mentioned everybody but me well that's really you suck at names both of you there is this girl Emmy I'm trying to find I mean there's so many things that people have posted and oh gosh I don't know while you're sitting I will I mean McAdams Brabano who has a great name I think that's her if not I just gave a shout out to some random other Emmy that is that is a housewife name I know Brabano she she has to join she has to join OC she posted like her favorite quotes of the week and I have to say she does a great job it is hilarious and then this other girl was like no you're referring to me and her name is like Lindsay or Lily or something like that no I was referring to Emmy and good job Emmy good job both of you guys okay so here's the first piece Kyle Richards wants to have another baby gross stop it have you seen your hands you're older than a tree stop it huh so she needs to stop and I was reading on this isn't really gossip but I wanted to share it with you anyway I was reading the Facebook the other day and Leah Black was on there and I guess she started doing this advice to fans thing and so because I've seen her giving a lot of advice so I screenshot it this one so I could read it to you guys I'm doing your 30-day cleanse and so far so good I'm trying to lose about 20 pounds before my class reunion so far I lost four any advice besides life though that's just a big that's just a big shit yeah yes I think you are awesome you and Tamara are my favorite house was off Facebook spelling yes I've done my own version of body wraps absence salt and water makes a paste type substance applying wrap and saran wrap and they'll help get rid of some of the surface water retention or you can purchase for ten dollars plastic pants and tops a target or game art type places and where over your leggings around the house and then when you're done with them just him off that doesn't work just go the plastic surgeon and get your lipo and it ain't a voice a later yeah pay for it get freedom freedom is my personal trainer I'm always racing around after her I'm here by getting your pigtails every morning braiding her hair I miss Lee I can't wait for Miami to come back I want to back so badly yeah they're apparently already going crazy over there and me Johnny they're already like getting the cops are already involved I believe oh really well you know Joe Francis was just he was just convicted for like taxes no no like beating a girl and like abducting her two friends to his apart to his mansion so I don't know if we're gonna see him on the next season my first thought was Leah'd be like well I just like interesting people you know convicts people who abduct people and punch them in the face they're fun I see no problem with it so he went to jail big deal donate money to my husband and will represent him how fun is that I love Leah Leah if you're listening we love you and don't take this as criticism of you we love you right Matt right Matt of course I'm obsessed with Miami and I love that these women are willing to go the extra mile and all while they're getting paid about one tenth of Nini leaks a salary yes and they're ten times more entertaining speaking of salaries there was another report that came out yesterday you know a few weeks ago it was announced that Nini is making a million dollars for the next season of Atlanta which in a weird way she deserves because Atlanta gets such higher ratings than the rest of these shows on Bravo and all of the Housewives franchises but it was also released some of the other ladies salaries which I thought was really really interesting I was happy to see that the Countess pulls in about five hundred thousand dollars per season along with Ramona and I was convinced that Ramona was gonna like demand some way that she make more money than the Countess but they do treat the OGs apparently with more respect and with bigger bucks so Luan and Ramona bring down about 500k as does Vicki Teresa though from New Jersey because she's such a crazy pants she brings down about 650,000 you think that that kind of makes sense that Teresa makes more than some of the original gangsters yeah people really like her I mean yeah that's weird people like well people like her maybe for different reasons and I'm I have to say this this horrifies me to to confess this I had a dream on Sunday that I was related to Teresa and that I went to her house for Thanksgiving and Caroline was there and there was a huge brawl and it was horrifying to be part of it I don't know does someone tell Caroline that her broad doesn't fit like in the preview for Real Housewives in New Jersey that that was not cute no no one did do you guys want to go over the Jersey preview now or do you want to wait till later oh yeah let's do it now okay so there's a new preview for Jersey it's a couple of minutes long and I have to warn you a lot of it is visual so I'm going to I watch the first 30 seconds and I I'll tell you even before it starts that there's a part where you hear you hear the little little Melania they're all in a limbo and she's playing on a pole in the middle of the limo and she goes look I'm Melissa on the pole the fact that the producers are now feeding lines to the children that are despicable I mean I died these people are all lost cause and unfortunately in 30 million years from now this is gonna be the one relic of our civilization that'll somehow survive and they're gonna all think we're like the manzas and the and the Laredas and the gorgas and the Judas is it's terrible okay so here it is I'm going to be fair since you guys can't see it either I'm going to not watch it I'm just gonna play the sound okay okay no sense it makes so much sense it's better without the visuals it's better god this is amazing I'm gonna take all the socks out of it's wrong oh my god wait a minute this is perfect it's so strange I've done loyalty respect oh here's something we're used to this static random player is a Grammy it's so crazy this is just a hard thing to do everything we've been here two years later come on we have to meet each other halfway if we're ever to make this work I want to get my balls broke I'm worried about you and that you can't wish and fix everybody's problems away somebody said that you should be something that's what you don't know you know what maybe I don't I favor a taste of our medicine my parents come to the house and they look at you like you're a devil I know Jacqueline smash that phone Jackie smash that phone the crazy train is getting out of control I never expected this really the voices of angels you don't want your father to die and not see his kids together you ain't gonna be a crazy something sometimes you have to hit rock bottom or it gets better someone starting a new chapter to learn more about the real housewives go to Bravo TV dot-com so there you there you have it so I I predict there's gonna be a big fight about egg salad oh well as it well if someone even tries to touch Lauren's egg salad I mean of course I'll be a fight monumental ball it'll be like when you're playing a video game you reach the boss you know and you reach Bowser and your it's Bowser protecting the princess except the princess is played by egg salad listen I have to say I have I previously had seen that trailer and I was a it was a great trailer to watch but hearing just the audio really highlighted how dumb these people are and how strange they sound and I love that the editors it's like the only sentence they've been put in a midget Joe is I have done that it was just like there were parts where it did sound like Jurassic Park because it was like you hear Teresa's like high-pitched squeaking which is like a velociraptor and then you hear her Rosie's grunting which is like the T Rex I mean all that's missing is Sir Richard Attimer you are wrong because the other thing that's missing is no Kim D or Kim G oh don't you worry there will be Kim D there was the big posh fight right posh to yeah I think that's true electropole did go down but like I'm sorry she actually does look like a T Rex meets Triceratops I don't even know the difference between us but she's like the Deloppa Deloppa delsaurus you know she looks like Sally Kellerman after you know what she's the one who kills Newman she has the big things that come out of her cheeks which is what happens every time we go into the posh salon you know before I said that this is this is the show that's gonna wind up in the time capsule that civilizations 30 million years from now are going to base our lives on and the sad thing is that when they make their own version of Jurassic Park then they're gonna clone these families and put them in a park somewhere and tourists are gonna come and look at them in jeeps they should be like it'll be Teresa's husband trying to shove his dick in your face I think was something that happened in that preview they were talking about jerking off the kids talking about strippers all I can think about is this season is going to be airing when I'm home in Texas for the summer and I cannot wait to watch this with my drug mother playing Knaasta behind me having a bit I'm having audio issues is anyone else having audio issues that just me no I just hear you coughing and that's pretty much it okay good yeah you're just coughing and pretending I'm not even here what I'm talking admit I'm not hearing anyone so I think I have the floor but then it occurs to me maybe I'm just talking over everyone then you always have the floor come on girl Matt you are so generous yeah we're gonna put your face on the floor just so we could walk around on it I just want to make sure for the listeners at home if it sounds crazy because I'm just talking non-stop it's because I think I have the floor even if I don't real house was I'm googling real house was Kenya more returning to real house was of Atlanta if the money's right shut up if the money's right I think her quote is two dollars so yeah totally you make money like YouTube advertising what did you guys hear about this new lady that's joining Beverly Hills I don't think that the ink has dried on the Lisa Renault rumors but there's some chick named Carlton Gebia her name is Carlton that's her name is Carlton and is not Alfonso Ribeira sure it's not Alfonso Ribeiro in a wig isn't Carlton apart from a TV show no Carlton is Alfonso Ribeiro Jeffrey is the butler well Carl Ben what Ben would know I would know I pay attention to these things well Perez is reporting that Lisa Renee is not joining Beverly Hills hmm yeah like we trust that great ape yeah yeah let's show him yeah I was actually reading that news about this Carlton check on some lame website I don't remember which one of the only reason it was named is because the commenters were like oh she's English don't get a lot she'll get along great with Lisa I mean like a hundred commenters sign on to say the English famously always get along with everyone yeah especially themselves yeah they both got funny accents they're gonna love each other fucking idiots I hope that she's cockney yeah I will need to put on my what do you call that the thing on the TV where it's spells the word to close captions those things those things should we get to the shows I think the gossip sucks the gossip sucks the gossip sucks this week I did go see Kathy Griffin at the Dolby theater on Saturday night it was fantastic as usual she did talk about Bravo canceling her talk show Kathy she said that you know they didn't they wouldn't actually say that it was canceled the terminology they use is we're choosing not to bring it back because the word canceled is too negative apparently for even the evil monsters that run Bravo but that you had a great time doing it what else she said she definitely talked about I thought she was gonna talk a lot about Atlanta but she didn't even go there she was really just talking about Vicki gunville sins face okay and that's all I need to say because that's Vicki's face is just wow was her was her take on it better or worse than Slades because slade it slade is he was pretty funny I mean I'm some I'm shocked his stand up career hasn't taken off I know you're really surprised I'm actually never thought that Vicki looked like Miss Piggy and I think she actually looks worse now so I don't know anyway Kathy was great she really didn't dive too deep she never really looked like Miss Piggy she always looked like snuffle up against with a shaped face she has a close up the week right that down she has a same barbato same eyes I've always just tried to I always try and look at the eyes she's got those kind of same tired at sad eyes have you guys seen Amy Phillips doing Vicki yet no I haven't looked at that video yet that's awesome that's actually really really funny because she just does her like as a total downer and she's like I used to be like whoo and now I'm just like whoo that's all I can see now she's she's under construction oh my god that's all I can see now when I listen to when I listen to her on TV because she's just always talking like this now oh her spark will come back her spark well why don't we talk about OC since we're already talking about Vicki okay well who oh wow it's like the river to Lake Havas who has just dried up you start it's like it's like all the football is just creating past Vicki's face instead of hitting it you guys start is this where we talk about how much I hate Heather you know why don't start there I was just gonna go in order of the show but I okay you do that you do that no no typically I'm the taskmaster who demands that we go in order on my notes but because you did notes this week I'm gonna let you control it no I actually think we should start with Heather because I think that was the biggest takeaway of this episode and then and then we'll go in order okay well my big takeaway was they went to a fake restaurant that was really a CPK that they switched the name on the outside of the building of which is also what all the restaurants in Orange County are they were former CPK's that then lost their franchise but they were too cheap to change the signs they sort of changed like one word in it like California pizza clatch with a K right I mean was that that was a CPK and that they showed the outside signage and it was not CPK but that was CPK most likely well as Tamara said you know if you want the good restaurants you got a good in New York oh like she would know she's such a Tammy Sue of such a classy bitch I look well the the actual quote was if you want to be flat-chested and have good restaurants go back to New York and she said it as if like good restaurants was a pejorative thing like that like oh yeah you know what you want your fucking good restaurants whatever go back to crazy town yeah like we don't care about food here yeah crazy about fitness cut yeah so anyway you were saying Matt about Heather that I have always hated Heather and last season when she joined Real Housewives of Orange County you had her back I did Ronnie actually kind of fell in the middle slash was a little bit more on my side but if anything last night everybody should be on board with the fact that Heather is so evil and so stupid and just such a pain in the fucking ass she isn't about you this is about hot in Cleveland that was the best quote of that whole episode I was dying this I know that that almost supplanted this isn't about you this is about the children who don't have any legs yeah which is like I mean come on it's all far the same thing it's on par with hot in Cleveland yeah I even watched hot in Cleveland it was it's on something TV lens TV lens oh it's on demand you can watch TV land on a man and I watch the first season and loved it and then I don't know what happened to that show but it was bad it was really really bad I couldn't even get to the part where Heather Heather was on and even that Valerie Bertnelly knows about she's even getting fat again here's a bowl here's a bold statement are you ready for this this is fucking this is bad I love any bold statement relating to hot in Cleveland yeah me too I would in a split second trade Betty White in for room a clan a hand or B Arthur you know how dare you how dare you sir maybe be Arthur what happy know what I would do I would trade in Jane leaves for room a clan a hand I would trade in Valerie Bertnelly for I don't know maybe be Arthur and I'd trade in Wendy Malick for for how about Estelle Getty and then you have all four of them that'd be a perfect show they should do that no because maybe get some cheesecake yeah that in Miami take it to say hot hot in Miami you can't do that because those ladies are dead what oh you're gonna be like fine you know be awesome if they brought the show back and they did zombie golden girls oh my god and it's just all holograms of them as a cheesecake made out of babies listen by the way I just want I just want to go back to the fact that Ronnie watch hot in Cleveland on demand because I love using the I love using the word demand with hot in Cleveland because that's the only time that show has ever been in demand let me let me promise you that the first season is hilarious and maybe it's because I really was missing Ronnie Ronnie you watch the majority of TV high so I mean you need to like make that clear I don't that that show can not be good if you're not stoned yeah well I don't know I was stoned last night it wasn't good so it's apparently something else has changed are you about to like go on a page and say like well you know what they switched writers and season through I think they did know I think they did in season two because when I was in Texas I showed it to my parents and started with season two and they were like thanks for the advice that's terrible turn on the housewives my favorite part about hot in Cleveland is that on happy endings Max wrote a TV speck of hot in Cleveland that's my favorite problem is that the Betty white characters name is Elka and as everybody knows the only person on TV named Elka is Elka from the real world in yes season seven I want to say which was after Seattle or was not no Boston was six which was after Miami and before Seattle so that's the only Elka in my life boss yeah yes I I agree Matt we are totally on that wavelength and I love that half of our listeners right now are going like oh my God I love that these guys love vintage real world I love that at the upper half or maybe like wait there was a real world before Las Vegas before Trishell came to town and spread her pussy juice all over and then there's another portion of just like what is the real world and wait I'm going back did you just said Trishell spread her pussy juice everywhere I'm trying to out quote you bitches I think that is going on Emmy's board who Emmy Barbano I called her Barbudo or Barbato before she's Emmy Barbano I think either way we'll just call her Emmy Emmy Rossum so getting back to getting back to Heather though so they went to this restaurant to celebrate her landing PK don't get it twisted yes to land she landed a role on hot in Cleveland which is the funniest thing to say you guys I landed a role on hot in Cleveland did you see the way that she said it though like when the guy called her when she was out shopping she was like do I have to try it out for it it's just kind of like the same way she was about being on the cover of Lydia's magazine she's like I'm only doing it if I get the cover I'm only going to take this role if I don't have to audition for it guess what bit you are not an Oscar or Emmy winning actress she's only going to take hot in Cleveland if they film it in her house and don't touch any of her cakes anyway get away from that kick bow actually I think she was shocked that she didn't have to audition I think she was saying like oh did so did you get me an audition he was like no they just offered it to you and she's like oh my god they must have seen me on that Jenny McCarthy show like nothing to do with desperate ratings grab from a show that only has people watching it in like old folks homes and like my house I think she just shot that they were offering her a role and not a job as a PA she's like I sent them samples with my sandwiches I totally thought they were going to hire me for crap this is amazing so anyway in all fairness even though we shit on hot in Cleveland it's actually if you're an actor or an actress it's a big deal to get a to get a guess he got on a TV show so that was big dating somebody now that just got a guesting role on one of these shows and you're trying to impress him if I were do you think I'd be so quiet about it I'd be like hey guys I'm dating someone who's a little bit famous that's right and you had posted all over your Instagram I'd be like oh look at me and my sort of famous boyfriend no obviously I'm not I'm not dating anyone single I'm like I'm like the single girl I'm like Caroline Caroline what's her face Caroline the city what am I crazy you are not man coffee you are nothing like Leah Thompson in the mid to late 90s whoa what did I miss I want to get some green tea what happened was a coffee kicked in all of a sudden and I took it to a very strange place very quick and you sound like you're about to cry which is making me very nervous I am about to cry no so anyway so they go out to dinner Heather and Terry and the kids no three of the children who then brought their nasty ass homework and spread it all over the dining room table that does not fly in my house yeah and by the way thank you I think it was Nicole who's Nicole Johan Rand one of our favorite um please refer to her as NJR NJR who says her name is Nicole Johan Ron she says wow bringing your kids to a restaurant to do their homework fighting in front of them all while all while being filmed by a camera crew parents of the year could not agree more I mean so what happens is our homework in restaurants my parents fought with each other we've even got beaten the restaurant what's the point but did your parents allowed to be filmed no but those horrors would have allowed it if there had been cameras back then so the point is this so the kids are doing homework at the table fine so then Heather's like well I gotta go do this shoot for hot and cleveland which means five days away so Terry you're gonna have to take him to school and he like rolls his eyes which I thought was hilarious and then he that's not really what pissed her up what pisses Heather off is that he says to the daughter jokingly hey kids how about you guys step late and then we don't go school the next day and and Heather was like that's not funny that's not funny I'm like nothing is funny in Heather's world because she is boring you know why nothing is funny to her because she bases humor on her experience on the Jenny McCarthy show to her that's funny right and guess what and they didn't allow her to do math problems on the Jenny McCarthy show therefore it's not funny when you suggest that she is not as strong in math as you are yeah I'm like Heather if you were good at math why aren't you a mathematician why aren't you a math teacher like Toya from married to medicine who knew oh my god we'll get goes me that Heather's little saying in the beginning is you think blondes have more fun whoever says blondes have more fun apparently hasn't met me because that's what I think of when I think of you is fun yeah I think about you know letting those jokes roll off your back yeah I think about nagging my husband at you know constantly making lobster and not letting my children stay up late because that sounds like a hell of a lot of fun yeah and I love she says the thing about a lot I don't know what it was like everything she was pissed off about and then she just kept on saying that was so rude that was so rude well you know what maybe if you let him have an onion ring once in a while maybe you wouldn't be as rude you know well and then she goes oh go ahead no go ahead no no you go ahead oh no yes no I'm good I was just gonna say in her defense her husband is fucking with her all the time which I love yeah he knows that he's facing her off it's not like he's he acts like he's completely and he's like what babe I am sorry babe listen I lay down my life to you I my heart is on the table right now that's how much I apologize I'm sorry babe and over and over it goes so she kind I see where she's coming from but it's you know it's really fun to watch her get tortured and I can't wait till they get divorced children without a book without a together home what I liked though is that then she turns to us and she says quote this is about me and Han Cleveland and I don't ask a lot for myself you know but the but for this I'm like you don't ask a lot from yourself how about you ask for a cake that doesn't get eaten you ask for no onion rings you ask for a giant chateau on a cliff you ask for like his and her bathrooms you ask for a whole new house to be built because the new baby has to be downstairs and can be upstairs you ask for every single thing all the time and he provides it all you got anything you've got an elevator in your house and your face looks like your favorite gerbil don't tell me you don't ask for anything you guys show her face I cannot stop thinking about how much he looks like a deranged gerbil her eyes won't close properly they just stay really wide open but they're real speedy and rat-like she's like the I think she looks like the Cheshire cat no she does mix with an anime eyes I don't have a maniac mixed with like a heart she has a very hardship face actually I could just picture her coming out of the WB water tank and it was kind of cute you made me like you give me a soft spot and by that I mean so the point is this Heather is being very grating she's becoming like the mom or the wife and everybody else Raymond you know around season four when she stopped being funny just started become like an awful nag that made us hate women but don't get me started on patty heat no I won't the one who has no belly button she who has no belly button she is still freaking working what the hell and a crazy conservative oh she is oh yeah that's why I'm not a big fan yeah really why you don't want to see this she hates us and she has no belly button she can't be complaining that gay marriage is unnatural when you have erased your belly button what by surgery let's be fair here it's not only republican to this a lot of people hate us come on with you after watching the first episode of newlyweds which will get to I hate us to because again more horrible gay people on reality TV yeah exactly bravo is furthering the conservative cause so hate but but let's talk about horrible straight people here so why don't we go to the beginning of the episode wait wait I have to say one last thing about Heather I'm sure you interrupt no I just have to say that one of the funniest things ever during their little fight was I don't know if this is when they got to the restaurant or when they were on their way but that you know she was like I have been busy all day and he goes yeah what at the pumpkin patch and you know it she got really pissed but you know what though she just shouldn't be pissed because when we said a nanny at the pumpkin patch at a nanny and spent half our time on a cell phone and her kids are crying like mommy mommy and she just barely seems to care you know I'm starting to think that Heather's a bad mom based on what I saw her at the synagogue and her crying baby and then the way like her her baby screaming in the backseat and now at the pumpkin patch she's a bad mom I'm putting it out there bad mom happy Mother's Day bad mom you know what we said mom on our face on our Facebook page you guys be in honor of the upcoming holiday being Mother's Day on Sunday the 12th let's put together our list of the top 10 worst housewives mothers wait but we love all them I mean the housewives that are mothers cuz all the mom the housewives that are mothers that are terrible because all the moms are great did you just stand outside to take a smoke no you're like peeing out your window I was pouring I was pouring my brother into a cup I was pouring my sauce of water with caffeine in it water water water that goes really good with Shari's Barry Shari's Barry's I'm so embarrassed me pouring my britain sound like me peeing okay Heather's horrible let's move on what else okay so let's go back to the end of the episode we saw Alexis and Jim at the end of the night Alexis was taking off her makeup and I was shocked I was like I can't believe Alexis is letting us see her take off her makeup but then she's she didn't take it all off I was like a whole other layer into there yeah like she takes it off and then there's the base makeup and then there's the base of the base it was like one of those like those like HGTV shows or something where they're like scraping away the layers and then they discover another painting underneath behind the wall and then Genevieve pops out and goes wait we're still remodeling no that little that little new girl on there that little girl who does the rehab hey I'm doing the dollar house now I'm gonna make this place look no just cuz for the love of it guys so Alexis was complaining about like the party again Tamara and everything and she was like she's like oh Jim was like you shouldn't have gone and she's like well now I know I shouldn't have gone she's like if I could have gone back in time until my present self about my past self I mean the I mean my past self about my present self I mean so stupid like like the way she I'm pretty inarticulate okay but she makes me look like a wordsmith you are not an articulate now I'm very inarticulate especially when I'm on Kathy in then you use the word put your put your tip earlier I think that you're an all-star yeah you know but I ramble I use big words in a rambling fashion it's just the truth I know it's my challenge Ben on coffee is crazier than the three of us drunk I'm not even I'm not even kidding welcome this is what my friends always say I'm I'm finally letting you guys into this I am crazy on coffee Tiago Tiago on Hollywood in La Brea that coffee shop I'm telling you they serve up crack that's right that's right in my neighbor oh we're neighbors yes I'll go there okay yay someone put a really good Alexis quote on our Facebook but I can't find it was it when she said my favorite quote was when she when she's like you know the Bible tells us to turn the cheek turn the cheek and she goes how many cheeks is too many turns like that makes no sense this is how you do it this is how you said that dumbass I get because I listen to her say that and she said you know screw me what oh no it wasn't that saying it's when she goes screw me once shame on you if you screw me twice shame on me she did she said it right things that I cannot unsee Jim in flannel pajama pants Jim in anything really I just can't unsee Jim Bellino he is oh well got your flannels honey we got your flannels of flannel and orange fucking counting and I love that he keeps saying things like I don't understand why you're putting yourself in that situation Alexis why are you hanging out with those horrible women because my husband can't make a fucking living to save his life and because my entrepreneur husband has like 20 different jobs that suck our bank account dry and someone has to pay the bills fuck up exactly well actually the really the the thing that came out of this interaction for me was that you know she's saying here like saying how the Bible said as you should forgive and turn the other cheek whatever and he's like you know I think you're taking the scripture a little bit too literally I'm like oh wait a second wait a second all of a sudden mr. strict interpretation and now thinks that she's being too loose like too strict like okay if you're suddenly down for loose interpretations then now everything that you stand for is now falling apart all this like the wife should be doing this and the man should be doing shut up Jim Bellino yeah he's like yeah I think he's just eased up I think that now he has a grapefruit patch in his backyard I think that he has seen the light and he's just relaxing and his rules are are softening right now elects he's a guard he's a gardener it's he has a green thumb Alexis is like first of all we don't have grape roots because those do not look like grapes and second of all why are lemons so huge Jim Bellino is learning with the first Christian who touched Jesus Christ abs learned now trending fall and DSW 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legacy box.com/wondery and save 50% that's legacy box.com/wondery to shop 50% off this sale won't last long legacy box.com/wondery Christianity is hard it's very very hard and has it and has a treasure trap you know now that he has his chin in he's had you know a year of chin maybe he just had a lot of anxiety about his you know his really bad face and now he feels more confident about it and he's he's up in life. Or maybe the trampolines just is a way that he just he just unwinds you know it's like I could be all stressed about this but I go to Sky Zone and just bounce it out of me yeah Alexis you want to try and learn how to jump on the trampoline again today no okay we'll do it another day I don't she's like I don't go to the trampolines because they bully me those trampolines bully me I try to step on them and they like shoot me up in the air I'm like stop bullying me like that okay I'm just trying to walk here. So someone has to die someone has to die in the trampoline for someone to realize what Sky Zone is all about. I'm sure plenty of people die at Sky Zone every day. We need to make a musical for Alexis about how everybody so mean to her. We should do a musical and we'll just the entire podcast will be a musical. I'm in. I'm in. Housewives the musical. No sorry our friend you know what a fuck dare you. Every single time I podcast this is the one out of the week that my fucking landline rings I'm so annoyed. Who is it? Tell them you're not buying it. Is it a booty call? I think it's my college calling for donations. Oh fuck that I didn't I still owe you people money get out of here. Yeah how about like if I had money to get I wouldn't be doing a podcast. No kidding. Oh my god I'm totally trying to listen in on who ever is leaving a message on Ben's answering machine. Well the answering machine is very quiet so I don't know we'll see. Okay so going on from there the other big thing in this episode was that we met Lydia's mom and I just have to say by the way I think I love Lydia. I think Lydia is awesome I think she's sweet I think she's funny I think she has a good perspective on things I think her mom is kooky in a way that we haven't seen other real housewives moms I just and I love that Lydia's mom shocker smoked pot every single day growing up and then Lydia says that's the reason why she turned to religion because she needed some structure in her life and I thought you know that was actually a really refreshing thing to hear a lot of times you have people like Alexis who are saying they're just Christian just because they're you know they're just following what their husbands are doing you know. Yeah I thought it was an informed or interesting way to turn to religion. Like that's what religion should be for I think to maybe provide something in your life. Oh my god what is happening to them. Let me have a moment of intellectual thought. She's coming down the coffees wearing off. I felt really bad for her because basically she said 30 times that her mom was a drug addict and did like you know basically avoided her her whole life and then her mom is really terrible and just really desperate to obviously be on TV and trying to be as wacky as possible and putting glitter on people. It's like bitch you're you're pretending to be a hippie but then you're dropping three thousand dollars on clothes and you won't take a bag because that's wasteful. Fuck off and where less patterns you're hurtful to look at. I'm sorry Ronnie but that is very real. What is. I'm a vegetarian who loves leather products. So walking contradictions in Southern California just that's what happens. You know what Matt but you do not pretend to be anything that you are not. That woman pretends to be like all hippie dippy and like she does it as a fucking character. It's stupid. It's like you're not a hippie. I pretend to be classy and I'm really white trash. Well that's true and it's it's just fun to watch you fail as it as it was her bet. Well it was definitely a show but a show I enjoyed and I felt like it's actually an aspect of California that is not covered on these on these shows which are the crazy pot smoking people out here. That none of us are. Of course. But you know like it was that lady like she just gave me the heebies. I did not like her. I live right down the street from Whole Foods as I've mentioned so I'm always in there every day eating and this is this is the Whole Foods asshole that I hate. It's these rich people who drive up in their jag but everything you know they refuse to like wear hair product and everything is just so ladi dot they're hippie and they're a tree hugger. That's like their religion you know. That's their gross new new born again or whatever the hell it is. I'm so sick of it. Everybody just stop it. Stop needing that. All right go back to please go back to driving SUVs enough with these Priuses and I love also she's like a bag is a tree a bag is a tree. What do you think you're smoking all the time granted not trees but their plans like you're you're actually smoking part of nature. Yeah you're actually like furthering the cartels who are ruining the fucking world right now and chopping off heads of families and shit. What does she think that what does she think her daughter's magazine is made up? What are those pages made up? Guess what? Get an online magazine. She's fucking retarded and if I was a sales girl and she threw glitter in my face and then clapped all my eyes were closed I would sue the bitch. Unless it was Mama Elsa throwing rice in my hair then I'd be like I'd be down with that. Yeah because Mama Elsa is real. Yeah she's real. Yeah. What was that disgusting thing that Lydia ordered for breakfast she was like I'll have the gruel but it had some creepy name like frog eyeball soup and it was like nasty runny oatmeal it was grossing me out. It was gross. She has to be careful because she her teeth are those like electric chatter things that you wind up and crawling crawl across the table. She can only have liquids otherwise she'll bite her tongue off. She's like can I have her soaked for a month? Thanks. Wait you broke up I couldn't hear you. Oh I'm like can I have some oatmeal that's been soaked for a month? Thanks. And I'd like some hot tea with non-fat milk because bitch if you had you know 2% milk that would be a serious problem for your 72 pound ass frame. Mama I want to answer you but would you wind up would you wind up my teeth in the back? Okay. Okay. It's like you know like a blue whale they've got the bailing bailing whales have those giant things the side is like a door for their teeth. Oh my god no mark no more coffee for you what the hell are you talking about? You know me my stent or bailing whale a reference clearly it was we were at that the hour mark it was time. Yeah it's time for that. There you go. I really like Lydia. I like Lydia too and I like that she's just so openly too faced. Like I love that she's sitting there talking with Alexis's enemies like oh I can totally agree with that like if you're so Christian then why are you talking about being bullied or whatever it was and it's like that's okay because you're just being honest. Like if she's a too faced I love it bring it. But you know what though I have to say in terms of her demeanor and her look there's a weird part of me that feels like she should have been on the Real Housewives of New York City and like I could see her being on that show and getting eaten alive by Ramona and Luan and all those women and it would have been amazing. Oh they would have ripped her limb from limb and like her like face would still be like bobbing around and her her mouth would still be chattering as Ramona would be amazing. Oh well you know that she's probably like secretly a great tennis player and Luan would first try to have her on her team and then Ramona would try to beat them both. And then Luan would charge them all for the tennis court fees. Because she needs the money. And in terms of use to buy drugs for her daughter the race the race is drug drug dealing daughter who's also quasi and artists but not really but let's talk about the hot sun that's too young and the person in the hedges that's still lying there from last season. This is getting real. It's getting real. So this is we're done with Orange County right now. That has a whole other page of quotes. Really so there are two other things that happen. Wretchen starts crying because she feels bad because she wants to have a baby and get married but she can't talk about it because Slade's son has a serious illness. Okay I know Dr. Laura is a horrible human being and needs to be burned at the stake but if you've ever listened to her you have no pity for someone like Gretchen who's sitting there crying because she doesn't get the full attention of her loser man because he's taking care of another child that he left in the dirt. First of all why do you want to have a child with a man that you know doesn't pay his goddamn child before it makes no effort to pay it. Do you think you're going to be any different honestly? Yeah exactly. This just makes her look like more of an asshole than she already is which is already the biggest asshole of all time because at this stage she's been with this dude for four plus years. She's clearly wasting her time. She never should have dated him in the first place. Yes. And guess what? Before your crush dries up and before your eggs fall out and you know are getting scrambled and eaten by Lydia's mother at brunch you need to move on and get with a real dude who can pay his bills who has a job and who will support you and give you cute babies unlike Slade. Yeah you can afford better home decor than a bunch of rooster wall hangings like all over your kitchen. Yeah she's such a she's such a tacky ho like I'm just surprised that you know she used to be with Jeff that rich old dude that's dead. Like why is she still with Slade? Like this is the point of being on one of these shows to Mary Rich so you don't have to do anything. Hello Heather. Yeah it is from manager. Slade has convinced her that the reason she's making money is because he's booking all these gigs for her. It's always been that way. He's like taking interest in her career and he credits him with all these businesses that she started because she wouldn't have been doing a lot of business sense and I feel sorry for his kid who has cancer and is dying and I'm not even gonna make fun of that because poor fucking kid but her kid in the future who's dying of whatever horrible disease is going to get what she deserves because she should not be having a baby with that. Listen here's the reason why she can't do better than Slade is because anyone who is a worthwhile catch walks into her house and sees about five different signs that say coffee served here and walks immediately out. Totally everyone else has died from lead poisoning from those fucking coffee cups from Indonesia that she's been serving. Or they look at her sectional couch that looks like a giant blood clot and just want to get the hell out of there. Or they get creeped out by her like fat chef man holding up a platter where you can put an envelope even though you could just as easily put it on the counter. Why do I have to let this chef hold my keys? Why can't we just put them in a bowl like everybody else? Yeah and you know what she has a key hanger so why does she need a butler to hold up a platter? What is she putting on that butler's tray? What does anyone put on that butler's tray? Your iPod? Oh no it's good answer. I will say this can I I want to give Gretchen one smidgen of respect. No yes please. No it just shows over. I thought she looked really good. Oh well. She's talking about her body is hot but her face is gross. Well but look she styled herself better she had I thought the frames looked really good on her. She's wearing like a gray sort of turtleneck thing and her hair was like not as voluminous it was almost almost flat. She looked I thought pretty good for Gretchen. It was ridiculous. Nothing makes me answer words honey I'm reading because I'm smart. They look good on her I'm sorry they look good. They were fake. Doesn't matter doesn't matter. Yes it does. Listen I'm an equal opportunity and it turns out a lot of people are a cancer. It just has to do with when you were born. Don't worry Slade. I'm not saying the made her look smarter because no matter what no matter what sort of college degrees or advanced degrees she could ever get. She still would have you know what she would do her diploma. She'd have her diploma like framed in some sort of thing with like three roosters and a thing that says coffee served here and five flertilies. Somebody is now going to go to Ross and or Marshall's and take pictures of their rack of fake reading glasses and that's where Gretchen got hers. Yeah all right so let's move on to Vicki. So Vicki we saw Brooks for the first time this season. They met in a restaurant that was decked out for Christmas and by the way continuity error with the pumpkin patch that happened immediately following the scene the producers be a little sharper than that. I mean how do you go from Christmas garlands to a pumpkin patch right. So anyway I'm probably because all of the restaurants in Orange County keep up their Christmas day three year rounds. I realized this immediately afterwards they were probably at like the cafeteria at the Christmas tree shop. You know what Orange County is one of those places where they probably do have like it's Christmas 365 days a year shops with a cafe attached to it and that's where they were having dinner. Yeah and I have to say this restaurant looked like it was straight out of 1962. It was so old-fashioned and how awkward was it when Vicki walked in and the Mater D was like I'm gonna tongue you. Yeah well I mean look I mean Brooks ordered a steak Diane. I mean what what decade is this? He is so sexist it's like she wants a commitment and he's ordering a steak named after a woman. He probably did that on purpose. He's like well I really like cheers so I got a steak Diane. I am seeing other people. I'll have a Diane down my throat please. He's like I honestly I'm dating a steak and the steak is Diane. It's real pink. I love the pink. That must be disgusting. I'm gonna stick the pink in my mouth. I have the meat taco Diane please pink. Imagine if everything orders you just add Diane to it. That's my mother's name. Can we just not do this right now? He's awesome blossom Melissa. Please make sure it's real open and separated so I can get in there with my fingers. I'll have a crab sea Diane. Eggs Benedict Diane. Anyway me while smoking why even quit smoking what's the point of putting smoking nothing changes you get fatter you get older you still cough. Did you buy did you have you seen those commercials by the way what's that like almost dead actor who's still young and kind of hot and he has blue electronic cigarettes. No who is it? Oh I hate the guy. He was in that movie that Sophia Coppola movie where it took place in the Chateau Marmont the whole time. Bill Murray. The Chateau Marmont. Oh Stephen Dorff. Yeah Stephen Dorff he has blue electronic cigarette commercials now and they make me he makes me you actually want to smoke fake blue electronic cigarettes but I don't really smoke. Can I name drop can I do a classic Ben Mandelker name drop. Oh here we go and then after you do it when you write a blog about it and then post it on our face with your blog. Okay here's my name drop. Ten years ago this is a multi-tiered name drop. Ten years ago I went to the Playboy Mansion and I wound up getting wedged at the bar in between Stephen Dorff and Tiffany and it remains one of the highlights of my god is that where you go for it. Yes I don't know what's going to give a night. What a night. Oh and hey Matthew I'm gonna continue posting things on our Facebook. How dare you. That was just hinting hinting. So anyway so okay so Brooks basically told Vicki that he was seeing other ladies and Vicki was like I'm torn between my daughter and the love of my life which is sort of sad that Brooks is the love of her life and not insurance so that's great. Anyway guys see okay that conversation with Brooks I mean he was even more disgusting than I remember it he was really bad. Really bad. He did have a point that she's just letting her kids run her whole damn life and keep them out of the house you know so what about that confrontation with the Sun because you know how I feel about that so what do you feel about her confrontation with her son-in-law. He the son-in-law has got to learn his place as as a marine he should know about a rank and file and he clearly does not you know but there we said it last week they're getting free rent basically maybe they're getting they're paying something what are they paying like five hundred dollars per three months plus like a bag of Cheetos or something. For a wing in her mansion and coat of a causa I know yeah you know what they they have to you know what would be awesome there should be a spin-off where they move in with Gina and all of her ex-boyfriends such husbands and Matt yeah all the assholes. Gina should have a spin-off called date my asshole and it would really be dating her actual asshole. It's her trying she's like the million-dollar matchmaker except she's trying to set up all her asshole children and her asshole ex and her asshole gay friends and her actual asshole which she goes and gets bleached yeah and then and then what happens is after her assholes don't like the dates that she sets them up with she actually takes the side of the dates and then she goes and hangs out with the dates and says well I mean I don't know what's wrong with them I mean I think you're perfectly great and you know it's their fault it's and there should be definitely there should be a judging panel featuring Quinn and Tammy knickerbocker. Absolutely and one of Quinn's wigs. Yes that will be the third judge and it will just be a wig that pops but down on a table. Yes yes oh and by the way it's speaking of which if you go to our Facebook page you can see a lovely photo of me standing in between Quinn and Gina Kyo and another another wedging of my life. I don't know which wedging I liked more being in between those two or Stephen Dorf and... Um hello Stephen Dorf. Yeah you're right um so so that happened and then the only other thing that happened on this episode was that there was a wines by wives scandal. Let's not even talk about this because I don't want to promote their wines nobody gives a shit nobody should drink anything that Tamar promotes. Yeah well I think all of our readers are smart enough not to buy the boxes of wine that that wines by wives promotes but who knows. I love that Tamar's like Vicki's not doing anything meanwhile in the background it's the business partner and Eddie doing all of the work on Tamar's just bitching. This season is slowly turning into empty office spaces that I have known. Right that are all in an office park somewhere outside of Koto Dakaza where um just people with meth wander around and Vicki drives you know dodges in between them in her Mercedes. And who are these people who are these people that are that are involved with wines by wine so much that they have to get get off of space and what are they gonna do with their office space? And what was up with his adult acne it was gross. Eddie's? No that the business part. That guy. Listen I'm not. His face was being eaten by like herpy monsters. It was he probably. It's probably that next to Stephen Dorff at the Playboy Mansion. I think that's what happens when you go into a business venture with Tamar Barney and Vicki Gondrelson and you automatically get skin problems because it's either the combination of the stress or some sort of MRSA that they give you. I think he's probably been drinking too much OC energy drink from the OC Angels. You know what he needs a good doctor. He needs a good doctor and on that note shall we head to Atlanta and marriage? Yes please. Okay let's power through this one. Okay biggest bombshell of the night alluded to before. Toya is a former math teacher. That's all we need to say because that is just so I don't know pearls clutching that I'm done. I mean the biggest shock is that she didn't teach English. Like hi you have you left came to my class a little late. Uh listen five plus three is 94. Okay that's that's that's what I know and that's what I that's what I know in Detroit. Five. Hey hey I'm gonna okay you have five drug kazaz and you have 12 uh you have 12 million dollar houses and you want to add them together. What is the answer? The only the only four miles. The only number that that chick knows is that they are building a 1.3 million dollar house. She loved to say that. Yeah. Um I so uh they go to Toya and what's your name? Eugene. Uh they go to this like as a spellman and um I must have more house more house but we should really be just calling it Hillman from uh a different world. A different world the Cosby spinoff. Yeah there's like a little reunion thing and before the reunion starts Toya's like oh I want to talk about the Mariah's situation a little bit more and uh Eugene's like I don't want to talk about this anymore. We've talked about it to Jeff and she starts to cry and then he's like oh god and then she's like you're acting like you just want to have a good time. I'm like yeah bitch you're at a social event. That's what you want to do. You want to have a good time. That's the speaking speaking of a different world. I'm sorry but I'm like kind of trapped in a different world right now. Um Carrie would be like the Marissa Tomei the only white person in the entire cast of black people. And then when the show's over she'll be like this show was canceled. It was withdrawn. This show is over. It's withdrawn. I have the paperwork to show to prove it. It is withdrawn. Can we just get can we just get to the lemon squeeze? Can we just get to Jackie's lemon squeeze? Was canceled. Okay so Jackie had a lemon squeeze where uh she is an evil taskmaster. I mean I like her but I hate her. Yeah oh I love her. I like Jackie. Ronnie I'm sorry if you went to a lemon if I was like we are going to a lemon squeeze and we're going to talk at our differences and you told me or I told you that you couldn't have an alcoholic beverage in your hand that would be a problem. Yeah but Matt if you had okay if the last time we had been out together you broke a glass in someone's pool pulled out their weave kicked them in the balls and then like called them the n-word. I would probably say Matt I would appreciate it if you didn't drink tonight. I was just actually thinking like wait was that the last time you've been and I went out for drinks I did all these things? Was I that messed up? I think that's what happened when you went to the Abbey that one time right? Oh don't let's not talk about it. Well that's that's that I'm the reason why the Abbey now serves drinks in plastic cups. Yeah Matt had a had a running with his own little toya over there. So here's the thing so so Jackie decides to have a lemon squeeze which is basically like it's like a pow-ow she wants everyone to talk things out and she thinks because Jackie is actually a smart lady with class that things can be talked out especially with the aid of a little rubber ducky that sort of like the conch except in ducky form and that that people will talk and turn etc but we know this isn't going to work out because when Mariah shows up she has a look on her face that what is the equivalent of the look it's like five heather de bros de bros mixed into one. I don't know I can't even describe it she's just not having it she's not being part of it. No she's not and she wants a glass of wine and Jackie's like no and I love toya who's like this old ignorant hefa can't just sit here and drink some water with a lime. That was my favorite line of the day. I know and why did she say lime when they were at a lemon squeeze that really bothered me. Well because when you take two lemons and you add them together because we're a math class you add them together become one line that's what that's how it goes. It wasn't even really explained why it was called a lemon squeeze she's like well in college when sorority sisters and we were sisters when sorority sisters had a problem with each other we would call it the lemon squeeze. Like that makes no sense could you explain why it's called the lemon squeeze. Maybe they're turning lemonade maybe. They just squeeze in the squeeze in the sour or out. Well you see that would be a great explanation and mixing a little sugar in but no she didn't go there. Well you know what she knew it would be pointless to go there because she's speaking to morons basically. Well and she found that out about 10 minutes into the lemon squeeze when she took off her fucking mic pack and was like I'm out of this shit. Well I love so in the beginning it started off civilized and I will not be here. I will not do this to women. I will not do this to strong women. Thanks women everywhere thank you. Yeah right I mean I'm sorry you signed on to do a reality series on bravo what is your fucking problem. She's one of those unfortunate souls who thinks that they can make a good impression on on viewers about women black women just like just like just like just on snow and we see how that turned out. Yeah either way so this lemon squeeze was after a rock and good time in the beginning when Kerry clarified her role in kicking Mariah out and she goes I do not kick Mariah out of my party. I asked my security man to make peace. Nothing makes me happier in the land of bravo than people whipping out documents whether it be at a reunion special a la shots of sunset and or other housewives. Yeah she's denying that she took back the money off of PayPal and she's like well here are the documents. It was all all canceled. It was all I spoke to Duncan and it was all canceled. It was withdrawn. I've had a personal struggle with PayPal for 20 years a very private struggle and I can tell you right now I know when something's been canceled and withdrawn. And I love I love that Mariah is sitting there in the face of these documents like oh no honey no honey no nothing was canceled nothing was canceled at all no no no no no no no no no. That needs to be a remix on my new album. And then I had to say actually Toya Toya had some of the best logic points which was that when Mariah said that Toya ruined Little Lauren's outlook for the rest of her life. I was like no you ruined Lauren's outlook by not telling her who her daddy was from the beginning. She's wrong. She's right I'm sorry I am so Team Toya even though she's a dumb horrible math teacher with drag queen makeup and a feather in her hair I am forever Team Toya. Yeah and I have to say she's also you know when Mariah's sitting here talking about well you you know you've been talking all I don't know what accent that was I'm sorry when she starts talking about how like Toyo is talking everyone's ear off at the salon and Toya's like I don't even go to the building salon look at my head on. And by the way we can tell your hair looks like a springer spaniel. Whatever I like it. Well I don't like it. Okay that's fine but you know what? There's a moment right there. You sound like a puppet of Mariah just like quad. No no the point is this though Toya doesn't go to the salon and Mariah didn't even do any like due diligence on the rumors that her sister gave her told her so who knows and from what it sounds like it sounds like Toya really did was not making a malicious uh was not maliciously spreading this gossip. Exactly which is meaning the entire season is set up on some false idea that there was a serious like bullshit fight happening when in fact it was nothing and now we're spinning nine episodes out of it yay. This is the point this is what happens on all these shows. This is what happened on Beverly Hills which is that someone says something it's misinterpreted it goes through the go through the gossip ring or it goes to the whatever the great fine and uh and then at the end people hear something and they take it on face value and they just attack and they don't like stop to think maybe this was misinterpreted or pull this person aside and have their own personal love and squeeze and say hey I heard you've been saying this and it really hurts me. These women just go into attack mode. It's still well what happened um and we know from one of our viewers well this is allegedly what happened was that production was the one who told um what's her buns that what's her buns was in the hairdresser talking about her and that's why she didn't know what the hell she was talking about because production was the one who told her and they lied she was telling her own hairdresser that and didn't know the cameras were even rolling and they went and blabbed to Mariah. That's some bullshit that is not fair and these ghetto bitches can get into enough fights on their own. You do not have to force them. I mean the organic fights got better. Though I say God bless them for forcing this fight because I love the fight and you know what um Mariah is dumb on two fronts. She's dumb because she shouldn't have lied to her daughter and uh she's also dumb because she if this is such a big secret why are you telling people and why are you telling people on a reality show? That's that's your fault. I'm sorry it really is. Yeah I agree and also her dad's like one of her dad's is Indian like it seems like it wouldn't be that hard to tell her. You know what I mean? Listen I I I like to just echo what Quad said. She should shut up. Whoa let your top lip me your bottom one. That was an amazing line. I'm not gonna lie. It was you know what Quad is fantastic. Well Quad I love the glee that Quad gets when Mariah is talking shit about somebody and Quad just laughs and laughs. You know there's no like girl uh-huh. She just laughs at her. I think it's so funny. Are we in the hood? Are we in pups and powers? Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Look the good times are loud honey. I love her. Oh Miss Quad is up here on the house. Yeah I love her but I do need her to fight with somebody kind of boring. Yeah well she um she starts to pipe up a little bit at the lemon squeeze but uh oh yeah well there's more to come of this. She and Toy are still gonna go at it. And let me tell you something when when season two rolls around I guarantee Quad wants to get in her own fight. So she wants to be in the previews. She will fight big time. Here's here's one question I have. What is with people who aren't like stars who go on these reality shows? Like the lady who was having a baby? Why do you want to do that in front of me on TV? I do not want to see a baby being born on TV. Speaking of TV are we not going to talk about her tattoo? Was it made for TV? What would it say? Disgusting. It was made for TV and it was on her belly. Or maybe maybe it was actually uh instant what do you call a tattoo that is above your vijay as opposed to a tramp stamp which is above your ass? Uh maybe like a badge badge badge badge? Um if that is not already a tumbler we need to make it happen tonight. Um anyway so this woman had a a vaj badge that said made on TV or as seen on TV and the thing is with this belly expanding due to this like 50 pound baby she's about to birth. The whole thing spread across her entire body and instead of being like a little vaj badge it became like a mini series the size of roots. Yeah that poor girl looked like me after going home for two weeks. And there were like extreme there were like extreme close-ups on her tummy and it was of her stretch marks that's called get some palmers cocoa butter girl. Oh shit it's called life is beautiful but not on my TV. It's called don't get a tattoo on areas that will likely stretch out multiple times in your life. Yeah it's called use a comforter because you're on TV. It's called why do you have a tattoo called made on TV in the first place? It's called why don't you go get in your jacuzzi and have ricky late come over and do one of those birthing things in the water? It's called why are you bringing more life into this sad pathetic world just everybody stop? It's called why are you making all the doulas barf? It's called don't you realize that these people aren't really fucking doctors their reality TV stars that just put on lab coats? Oh my god. So married to medicine what else happened on that show anything? That was pretty much it. Stupid Mariah tried to slice an onion with a steak knife and then complained about how hard it is to slice onions and the inner cook in me wanted to shake the TV. These are I'm sorry but they are both going on the top 10 list of worst moms which we are going to be putting on our facebook page. Yeah Matt you do that today yeah. I'll do it tonight. Yeah Matt you... Okay so what else happened on the stupid show? I'm talking about the biggest thing that happened to bravo since gay people took it over. Neenie leaks one-on-one interview on watch. Okay I'm going to just say this we were going to talk about this for 60 seconds because it was a waste of 60 minutes of my life. There was... Ronnie that she really didn't reveal anything. All she was doing is sitting up there going look I have a one-hour special all to myself it means I'm Andy's favorite it means I'm the cash cow I'm rich bitch I own this network I'm making it happen and all she did the entire time was say that Shirei is an evil bitch that she and Kim have kind of made up and that they wish each other well and that she um there was one other thing oh and that she thinks that brandy glamville from Beverly Hills housewives is a drunk hope that's all she said in a in a matter of 60 fucking minutes of my life. It was it was an hour long and it was I mean it was just a parade of Neenies just like sickness I mean we see it on that we see it on the housewives you know we see that she's full of herself we see that she's a bully we see that she's vicious and mean we see that she's insecure and fame hunger like we see all that stuff in glimpses but to have it right there all to herself just being disgusting I mean that bitch did not say one thing that wasn't fucking disgusting the whole day only the only thing that was good is that bravo kind of did throw a few zingers her way by showing clips before she got her teeth fixed when she was you know just she's like oh my god we look so much better now it's called because five years ago you are a trash ho you are a trash ho with bad teeth and a cheap ass wig just like Kim so don't even get it twisted honey you used to be a piece of crap look what can happen in five or six years I mean they all look completely different I know this is uh this is basically what we have to look forward to with all the girls on marriage medicine I can't wait to see what they do their faces oh my god well Neenie was going she everybody asked her about she totally dissed which you know she said that Orange County should be totally recast she has nothing in common with them she doesn't like any of them um she said yeah she said that brandy she likes brandy but that brandy drinks so much it makes an idiot of herself and she's grossed out that brandy says wrong things to people that she shouldn't be saying which means brandy probably called her a moose or something wait I have to say something for her to say that the the uh Atlanta should be recast because she has nothing in common with all these girls orange county orange county oh that's the new mind no that's even worse I mean she was she's recast but Lana her damn self she was talking about uh orange county and just like dissing all those women because they're blonde and and even said is it because they're just like white blonde girls and she's no I like white blonde people other people are white and blonde look oh that's right because every time she's put around white blonde people she chokes them to death yeah and I have to say by the way I actually I'm sorry Ronnie but I was I just want to say I actually think uh real houses of orange county is really on like on point this season so far it has that vibe you know suck you know when these housewives some seasons it just feels like it's plotting and some you just sort of like a lunch county has always been amazing no it's the past two years it's a little up and down this one feels like it's on point so nini does not know what she's talking about yeah and I also agree with one of the listeners who put on the page that they uh they liked it this orange county in particular was a little more real it showed them actually being wives and moms which is weird and I think they were referring to Heather but um I agree with that and anyway nini was just horrible but really fun to watch and she called Andy a shady queen and of course she gets along best with Jeff from flipping out because he's also a horrible shady a shady queen yeah she called him a shady queen yeah um so I thought it was pretty fun just to see how disgusting she is and of course she says she's the king of everything and you know she deserves respect from these women because she's the original housewife and uh you know she's the most popular out of everybody and oh my god what else did she say that was good she oh the one that she wanted to get kicked off of Atlanta she hinted at in the reunion was Portia because she said that Portia wasn't being honest about her life and that she was always being fake for the cameras but now that Portia got done and is getting divorced Portia now is demoted to friend of housewives yeah yeah we didn't even say that the day after the day after this airs yeah huh yeah so she was talking about Portia that whole time so don't mess with me do some math on that toy yeah I guess the lesson is don't mess with the moose I don't like any of this I don't like that nini gets her her own special because it gives it gives her way too much importance these housewives have to know their place then here's the thing like I think nini was on a crusade this entire season to make herself look good after coming back from being a crazy horrible monster in the previous season and she thinks she did that and yes she is having success in Hollywood because you know Ryan Murphy has a heart on for her but in reality I don't think anybody likes her yes she's getting paid but nobody is like rooting for nini I don't think housewives fans housewives fans realize that she needs to be on the next season because she is like the framework but nobody likes her ass she is still horrible and everybody knows she's fake this interview with Andy Cohen proved that she is a fake hypocritical bitch well that's where she was going on about how people in Hollywood don't give her the respect she deserves and just because she's a reality star you know she doesn't appreciate the attitude that some actresses give her because she was an actress way before the housewives and then they show a clip of her playing just like kind of an Eddie Murphy what was that flubber movie or whatever where he plays this whole not a professor yeah netty professor where he plays this whole family which he did brilliantly that was so hilarious I still remember laughing at that and then they show nini doing it it was embarrassing to watch oh yeah she did it on the new normal and we're gonna be honest nini in real life nini on real housewives of um Atlanta nini on uh the new normal and nini on glee as coach Ross is all the same person bitch you don't have an array of characters you just play your ghetto ass self and you think that that makes you famous and guess what you are lucky now but in three years you're gonna be poor broke and alone yeah she can't even play herself I mean if she was playing nini on that show I would think it's hilarious but she can't even do that I mean she's just bad she has no range she has no range whatsoever so stop pretending that you're fucking Meryl Streep and then when you walk down Sunset Boulevard to go get a big old bacon ass cheeseburger at the saddle ranch that people should stop and want to take your photo and say oh nini you deserve an Emmy nom for a show that you should be you know lucky to be on because it's gonna get canceled anyway okay I'm done I can't believe that she hasn't been excoriated for her performance on that show that's embarrassing okay can we talk for two seconds about newlyweds because look yeah we'll talk about it more next week I think that we're all still diving into this it's a new show the premiere it was a 90-minute episode which is a lot to ask I'm gonna go on record and say that I love it I'm obsessed with it it is kind of my new van der pump rules married to medicine up there maybe with gallery girls I know that's a bold statement early on actually think the show is somewhat quality dare I say yeah there's there's gonna be plenty of fighting look marriage is all about fighting I get it um well I don't get it because I'm not married because I can't get married it's like it's podcasting because we fight a lot and don't really hang out and sleep in separate beds but I just I think that the show has the potential to be something good for bravo yeah I have to say when I first saw the trailer about a month and a half ago I was like eh whatever but then um you know I watched actually only the first 18 minutes of it because I didn't realize it was premiering last night you know what one thing with bravo is sometimes they show so many promos that you tune it out and you just I think a lot of people saw so many promos from the shot of sunset they assumed that they had watched the entire season of the goddamn show or it's it's more like they start the promos so early on that you just sort of perpetually think it's three weeks away and then it finally arrives and you're like whoa whoa whoa and so when I was watching OC last night I watched it a little bit delayed at around like 10 30 or whatever and I realized oh my gosh this other show is premiering afterwards and I'd already missed it whatever so by the time I recorded it I watched it this morning and I only got 18 minutes through it and um but and I would have kept on going I just had other obligations I had to get to I will enjoy it I enjoyed it quite a bit you all just need to finish it and we'll talk more about it next week but for our users out there if you guys watched it please stick with it I really think that it has the potential to be a good show I actually only hate the gay people surprise surprise that is so like my real life um and um I don't know they're so they they really are I mean not only are they staring it's not only just because they're flaming I mean they're stereotypical in the way yes I don't I don't hate calling one of them's calling the other one fat all the time and the other one's like a twink like he's 16 years younger and it was formerly an employee band I have by the way I have no problem with flamboyant gay dudes everybody can do their own thing I'm not like super attracted to that anybody can be who they want to be I'm all for that I just hate that on these reality shows everybody has to be so incredibly stereotypical you just said it wrong yes it's just disgusts well the black people are too I mean even the black couple are like that where it's like the woman's like oh yeah it's just the whole thing is like a big stereotype oh really I the funny thing I was about to say that some bravo executive is probably gonna have to get fired because the black couple looks like they have like a smidgen of class you know I'm like wow you can't just show that on TV that's that's crazy why aren't they in it why aren't they in Atlanta we have to be petty and uneducated you know well I don't know because their whole thing is that um they're like super Christian so they've never lived together but yeah you know because they're Christian the woman has to listen to the man and the man is the head of the household and that's just how it goes and so I know it's like they're it's like the black Alexis and Jim yeah but they're also like they Alexis but they speak with proper English and they have actual careers legitimate careers and they seem educated and that's true yeah what is doing on bravo what are you doing on TV you're not allowed to be on TV you're only a typical enough yeah we were only allowed to have representations from the black community that are like Toya and Mariah oh yeah and this bitch is such a good Christian that she makes all of her bridesmaids lose weight or she won't let them be in the wedding what kind of an asshole does that um any smart woman who wants to have a cute wedding oh she's horrible those fat girls should have thrown a pie in her face eaten it back off of it and then left the restaurant those fat girls probably would have ran the list vomited it up and eaten it back up again and regurgitated over and over again I'm sorry cannot be telling your friends are too fat to be in your wedding that's horrible I've never been to a wedding where the bridesmaids weren't fat you know what they don't have anything to live for letting be fat I've been a fat bridesmaids and a fat bridesmaid in a wedding how dare you there's a very good point if there is um when the bouquet is tossed it's more fun to see fat girls fight for it well and also they're supposed to be fat because the bride is supposed to be the uh the thin beautiful one right it makes her look extra skinny yeah good point I check it back that's why the bridesmaids are always in crappy dresses yeah maybe they would be so fat women are petty women are very very petty yeah maybe they would be fat if their friend was always getting hot dates with jobs and stuff and making them feel jealous it's probably heart brought their fat yeah a few other notes tina's lips are scarier than carries on mary to medicine slash her husband now tarsu is hot in a world of indian girl yeah the indian girl who is an indian pop star she is ridiculous excuse me she's a pop priestess but she's no asa she's not bitches ridiculous and just trying to get attention on tv and putting glitter on her lawn and all that shit she's trying to and on her dog i feel bad for that golden retriever or not the girl the german shepherd i was like you need a snatch bite on her snap that girl is so fame hungry she's hard to watch but i can't wait to watch her life get ruined on national tv because that's kind of what this show promises which is amazing like they did the whole beginning of the show that's what the season previews are amazing i'm like you guys need to watch this shit yeah i get good well it is kind of it is kind of funny that they say you know the first year of marriage is the hardest it's like oh well then it's really smart that you guys are putting it on reality tv because that never breaks up a marriage yeah well that's our point and they say the first year of marriage is the hardest only 50 percent of marriages make it who's going to make it out of the first year you know and i like that they make it almost a game like who's going to break up by the end of the season it's so it's the hunger games it's the hunger games on brothel well i hope that amy leaves you know the girl amy from gallery girls and actually someone on our facebook pointed this out too but that's all i could think when i saw her was amy yes sad chubby white girl with with blonde hair who drives a bmw x three moves to long island i mean it was so and that's amy in five years and you know she's desperate because she worked in television production so she knows exactly what she's in for yeah she still wants to go through this she's still sobbing about her relationships me out i mean i look at him and i'm like these dorky dudes who can't dance can't dress themselves are just uh they have pool tables in their dining rooms i don't know how straight women date it just creeps me out it's because they want a baby yeah she's so sad and desperate i mean she looks like she does not want to be there she's crying already every five seconds and not because she's happy she's like this like she's obviously miserable the her first testimonial she's crying about her ex-boyfriend you know the first episode or husband or her husband to be is sitting in bed making these obsessive compulsive lists about shit that's making her i mean she's she's just settling and her sister in law to be is like um yeah i hate you yeah you know i i think they should rename this show from newlyweds the first year to obviously miserable i think they should name this show to this is why ronnie will be masturbating until his penis stops working and we'll never have a relationship because that's pretty much my biggest fear in about them hour is this show is it having to watch it is that your biggest fear of noise being in that like in these related i didn't see one of these relationships and these are all people who are just getting married now i mean this is supposed to be the best time of their lives and every single one of them i was like i would blow my brains out before i subjected myself to this i wouldn't be with that indian girl the guy all he does is sit on his computer and like pretend he's making up iphone games i wouldn't be married i wouldn't be amy i'd kill myself if i was her and then she's dating george gustanza kill myself if i was him the black couple he's still wearing african shirts like he's wearing like african shirts as done by american standard or urban outfitters he's horrible and bossy and mean that wife is making all her bridesmaids lose weight they're all fucking horrible and they're in a couple i if this does not sell you on the entire season i don't know what will because that is just amazing tv yeah i just can't wait to see them all be miserable who do you think is going to make it let's make a prediction now who do you think will still be married by the end of the year black fat fat fat fat amy fat fat amy yes she won't she because she wants a baby she's never letting that go yeah and he likes her boobs too much well yeah um i think it's going to be the black couple who's going to say i think i think tarsentina tarsentina are going to say together i think the gays are doomed and the black couples do wait question this is actually kind of a brilliant part about the show which is sent you you have to stay tuned to see who's going to break up i mean will do you think for real we should know we should just do a game we should design a game where money is on the line but that's a good idea why i'm not going to put any money on the line until i finish watching the first episode okay well we will reconvene on this and all of our other shows next week when we um bring you guys our next episode so thank you for tuning in it has been another amazing week thank you for posting comments on our facebook page join the action if you haven't done that already we are at facebook dot com forward slash watch what crappins you can find us on twitter at what crappins you should also leave us um five star reviews on itunes you did a good job last week but we need more so get to it follow ben on twitter and instagram at b-side blog follow me matt at life on the m-list follow ronnie on twitter at tv gasm and also follow ronnie on instagram at ronnie karam yeah great yeah yeah good one guys good one okay well thanks everybody we'll see you next time bye sorry i had to wrap it up fast but i have to pee yeah no it was it was overdo oh yes keep taking this rumin snow it's snowing with this flowing but i can't weather my storm what do i care how much is mission i've got my love to keep me well if you like listening to comedy try watching it on the internet the folks behind the side show network of launch the new youtube channel called wait for it it's got interviews with comedians like regi wats taught glass lies a slice finger slicing dragon friends with it for 10 years one of the funniest people out there and i still have a hard time with the last name liza our very own own benjamin that's me takes you on a musical journey down internet rabbit holes and much more you don't have to wait any longer just go to youtube.com/waitfordcomedy there's no need to wait for it anymore because it's here and it's funny and i love you a few days ago brook two dean posted an inspirational quote on her wall that got 17 likes and three comments thumbs up brook gaiko also wants to make a comment in just 15 minutes you could save hundreds of dollars on your car insurance by switching to gaiko and nothing says inspiration better than saving money well except for those posters that say things like 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stranger someone wants them dead is not easy follow kill list on the wonderie app or wherever you get your podcasts you can listen to kill list and more exhibit see true crime shows like morbid early and ad free right now by joining wonderie plus check out exhibit see in the wonderie app for all your true crime listening
