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#61: White Party Lines
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Hey everybody, welcome to Watch what Crapin's a podcast dedicated to all that Crap we love to watch on Bravo. My name is Matt Whitfield from Yahoo and joining me as always is Ben Mandelker from Visa Blog. Say hello Ben. Hi everybody. Unfortunately you guys, we don't have Ronnie with us here today. He is at home vomiting and I think that that means that he probably had dinner at Sir. I think that's definitely what that means. I don't think there's any question about it. So the other thing that that means Ben, it means that you're gonna have to step up with even more of your hilarious impersonations because Ronnie is not going to be here to carry the load with you. I think we're just gonna make Ronnie vomit some more. That's that's true. So Ronnie if you're at home listening right now we're sorry but Ben's version of Candy Burris will probably make you vomit because who knows if Ben is on yet or not but we'll find out in in the near future. But you guys before we get started today we definitely have to remind you to go to our iTunes page and give us a wonderful comment. You guys have been so amazing to us. We have a solid five stars there. It's so much fun and thank you for participating there. But also thank you for participating on Facebook where we are almost at 1000 likes Ben. Can you believe it? I know it's so exciting and I also put up on our Facebook page some links to Manai, our Instagram feeds that you can follow and Ronnie's Twitter feed. And then if you really dig deep in the Facebook page you can also find our Twitter feeds. I'm @bcyblog, Matt's @lifeontheamless, Ronnie's @tvgasm and those names pretty much parallel our Instagram accounts as well. I actually saw an uptick in my Instagram followers so thank you new followers. I promised to post lots of stupid shit that you may enjoy. Yes thank you everyone for following us and by the way everyone this podcast is brought to you by audible.com. The internet's leading provider of audiobooks with more than a hundred thousand downloadable titles across all types of literature including fiction, non-fiction, and periodicals. For free audiobook of your choice go to audiblepodcast.com/funny and by the way don't go to audible.com/funny you want to go to audiblepodcast.com/funny so that way they can see that it came from this podcast and then you get a free book people you get a free book. Yeah exactly so definitely do that for us because we need your clicks to do we need money basically. That's what we're getting at people so let's not mess around and let's get down to it but before we get down to it with the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills the Real Housewives of Atlanta, the trash that is Vanderpump rules that we're obsessed with, the shots of Sunset reunion, and a little top chef we do need to start things off with some gossip. I have a few talking points Ben should I just dive right in? Yeah lay it right on us. Okay well clearly the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is out of control right now we've been having so much trash with Brandy versus the Maloofs and the interesting thing is Brandy was actually on Howard Stern this morning and she was talking mad shit, as she should, right? I love it when she talks shit I mean that's sort of just her talking like it's not to even say that she's talking shit is like not even noteworthy it's more like when she's not talking shit it's like talking what's the opposite of talking shit like talking flowers I don't know. Yeah exactly it's the newest one Brandy is talking flowers yeah she's talking flowers right now. So there were a few interesting tidbits that came out of the interview and you guys should try to dig it up because it's actually hilarious but Brandy called all of her castmates the C word oh that's good because that's a classy and I'm not and I don't mean the word she didn't call them classy she again she again speaks for truth but the other thing that I found interesting Brandy started to lay some dirt on the salaries that are being doled out here to some of the housewives and the crazy thing is Brandy you know was such an important part of last season even when she wasn't a main cast member that girl only made $18,000 for the last season of Beverly Hills yes that's less than probably an assistant at Bravo yes exactly and so Howard was saying there he was like oh well clearly they were like screwing you over and like lowballing you because it was a trial run and she was like yep that's exactly what happened but even this season because she hasn't been around as long as some of you know the original cast members she's getting paid significantly less than the other ladies and the fucked up thing is there I said the f-word so all of you people that are listening at work you just got fired you just got fired people not not talking flowers not talking flowers so she's saying that she's only getting paid a little bit more than a hundred thousand dollars this season but that all the other women make the women that have been around the longest like Taylor and Lisa have are making two hundred and fifty thousand dollars per season wow well here's the thing I now is when my sympathy starts to sort of you know boil over into just or harden up into just uh no sympathy because uh it's one thing for her to be making eighteen thousand dollars but now that she's making like a hundred thousand I'm like you know it's it's cable she should be so happy and just let it be here's the crazy thing though I would have guessed with Beverly Hills's numbers they average about two million viewers per episode I would have thought that these women made more money and the funny thing is a lot of uh reports were leaked last spring about how much the women from Atlanta make and they make significantly more again the housewives of Atlanta's ratings are significantly higher but Nini is reported to be making seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars per episode plus a two hundred and fifty thousand dollar bonus for just doing the reunion so Nini's clocking in at around a million the Beverly Hills housewives are about at a quarter of that and Brandy's at about a tenth of that meanwhile on real houses of Miami they're they're getting paid in in croissants and uh saw right they might be getting like craft service with me they get some M&M's two Skittles right and that's about it and they're not even separated by color yeah and it's one one bag of Skittles to share amongst them all well that's all they eat anyway well well that's well maybe not for Anna I'm surprised actually that those that they get so much because if there's anything that we've learned from this uh franchise is that their Rob is pretty happy to fire people you know they don't have that Ben you didn't even know but you just entered into or you just doled out a great segment so I think I know what this is about go on okay so TMZ is reporting that Adrian is officially out of real housewives of Beverly Hills for the next season and the Taylor's head is on the chopping block and that the replacements are former extra host Dana Devon and Rod Stewart's wife Penny Lancaster now this is totes crazy because Penny Lancaster being connected to Rod Stewart Adrian Maloof who now is leaving the show she's dating Rod Stewart Sean the drug addict see my brain is exploding okay so how like I don't understand so many things that are going on in the world in general but right now with with this show what first of all why are they getting rid of Taylor Taylor is turning she's she's becoming the new Kim Richards you know exactly like Kim is now quasi sobered up even though not really but Taylor now slipping off that slope into full on drug and alcohol addiction is becoming musty tv oh yeah absolutely like every time Taylor appears on screen I start to get that warm feeling that used to be reserved only for Kim Richards so for her to be on the chopping block is ridiculous we need to have a full season of Taylor's continued downward spiral where she forgets where her daughter is she hops on planes and she probably wasn't even on a plane she probably was on one of those little bouncy things in front of the supermarket that you put a quarter into you know exactly and you're being generous because she was probably like sleeping in another Louis Vuitton suitcase in the bottom of a closet yes precisely now Adrian dating Rod Stewart's son is that's an interesting conundrum I don't totally understand how this works I mean if anyone should be on the chopping block I hate to say it it should really be Yolanda she wasn't even in the latest episode yeah I know there was no appearance whatsoever and I for the life of me and we'll get to this when we get to Beverly Hills here in a second but her and Marissa WTF yeah exactly well I'm okay with Marissa you know Marissa's you and I were okay with her when she first came on the show Ben but really she's delivering a whole lot of nothing I know I would prefer to have Dana come back because she cracked me up oh don't even get me started on Dana Wilkie but before we get to Beverly Hills there are a few other things that we have to discuss here number three on the list is there is a new real housewives of Orange County trailer that was released today and it is brilliant oh my god why didn't no one tell me about this oh my god I could have oh my god I would have spent 10 minutes then if you follow our Facebook page like some of our loyal you know users and listeners out there one of our fans actually posted on there earlier today and it is amazing and all I will say is this all of the ladies from last season are back including Jesus Barbie which thank God for that because as dumb as she is we love her on our TV screens yes there is a new there is a new woman Lydia McLaughlin and in the mix she looks like an emaciated um uh Denise Richards with like extra crispy tan skin oh good she's like a chitlin but the most exciting news to come out of the oh she is Lori back is Lori back Lori Peterson is back wow as cast member or just can you tell they're not saying that she's a full-time cast member but she is definitely on screen and she is definitely stirring up the shit oh good you knew she couldn't stay away for a long you know she's a gold digger and one thing gold diggers love is fame I love me some Lori Peterson now if only they would bring back Lynn Curtin and my all-time favorite Gina Kehoe I would be an absolute freaking happen oh my god they should do once one crazy season where they just have them all back like with Tammy, Tammy, knickerbocker, and knickerbocker, Quinn with the crazy wigs, Quinn there's that one woman who had cancer in the first season the OC angels Tammy knickerbocker knickerbocker's daughters who are all like in jail right now oh my god could you just imagine just a season where you just have all those women in one place oh how could we we didn't even mention Alexa Belleno's former BFF Peggy Tanos Peggy Tanos that's exactly it would be phenomenal and they would all look the same to you by the way they should totally do a spin-off that's just the ex-housewives from Orange County because there's a note to fill up a whole another fucking cast oh my goodness you know every time I see the real house as of Orange County I'm always amused by the awfulness that's so close to us it's so close yet so far and here's the other thing like you know Ben you and I are on the same page we're obsessed with the real housewives of New York yes and and Beverly Hills but and now thank god for season two of Real Housewives of Miami I think that we would probably agree that Atlanta is not near the top for us anymore at this point and Jersey is probably not near the top for us anymore at this point I from day one have been obsessed with Orange County and I thank god every day that it is coming back I am so excited and let me tell you Vicky's face looks extra puffy and dimpled the more so than ever before well we saw it in person not so long ago back in October we saw both of us saw her we came face to face face to piggy face and clearly there's more drama because brian are what's her daughter's name not Brianna Brianna so Brianna is in some of the previews too with her new husband and the husband I think calls Vicky a bitch and oh my god the squealing and cackling and it's out of control oh my goodness you know the thing with Orange County is that I found the past few seasons have only been okay and towards the end I get like sort of worn out and then they always have an amazing finale an amazing reunion and then months go by and then when it resurfaces in springtime like a little flower blossom I get so excited for it all over again then brace yourself alexis cut her hair no yeah she did and guess what she looks amazing wow that's there I said it alexis blina looks amazing you know I think I hope they give it of Gretchen I'm so sick of Gretchen enslaved oh no no no Gretchen's lips are extra plump and she and Slater talking babies it's disgusting everybody go to our facebook page right now and look at the trailer for the eighth season of the Real Housewives of Orange County you know what Gretchen her descent is getting close to Jill's Aaron you know Jill's Aaron used to be loved but loved by the fans and then not now of course she's one of the most reviled people in all of reality TV Gretchen quite frankly was used to be awesome and she just becomes worse and worse and worse she's becoming worse than her stupid home goods decor which I shouldn't even bash because I've got a rugged home goods I was gonna say what about Gretchen Christine Butte oh my goodness or the plastic hand bag line do you ever feel matte like um like we're gonna like somehow become them we're gonna become them because if you think about it when this all started all started off in Orange County which was far away from us but it was still pretty close and then all of a sudden is in Beverly Hills and then all of a sudden Shahza sunset is right truly on our doorstep and now I feel like the next reality show is just going to be like in my apartment and I'm very scared for that I mean I don't think that we have an option the walls are closing in on us and and as long as logo keeps the A-list New York and Los Angeles off the airwaves I just feel like we're gonna be forced into our own reality series whether we want what on I feel like I'm just like drowning in it and I think one day I'm just going to emerge with breast implants, cheetah print and blonde highlights I mean that is me typically every Halloween so I mean I've already dipped my toe into that pond. Okay so uh what other gossip do you have for us is that it or is there anything else excited? Well your favorite new songs stay prayed up courtesy of Candy Burris and Arpen Sapp is number one on the gospel charts on iTunes. Oh I had no idea it was released I actually really like that song. Um uh really don't but um I love anytime Candy attempts to sing um I prefer fly above all the haters but um you know she's she's number one on gospel so she got a girl got another hit. Well Riley likes the gospel so I guess I can hear it to Riley. Riley can listen to my song because Riley says pray it up. Um what is Marvin Sapp doing with her or does Marvin Sapp like want to like get a hit outside of the gospel world or does he just want to get on TV? I don't understand what is happening. Candy Burris is an acclaimed songwriter and I think anyone would be so honored to work with her. Um like country not so superstar Jodie Messina last season. Anyone would be honored including including Mindy McCrady. Oh oh rough. Did Mindy McCrady ever do a collabo with uh with Candy as she can be singing at the funeral? I don't know. I mean I don't put anything past Candy Burris. I wouldn't even be surprised if Fajor was burying her. The next season Candy's gonna be like I decided this year and I tried something different so I'm gonna do some funeral dirges at Fajor's funeral parlor and I'm gonna write something for Mindy McCrady. That would make that would make her truly a renaissance woman worthy of a Cynthia Bailey production. Oh my god she could be misread. Don't even get me started. We're not even getting there yet. Okay before we get going on our first thing let's pause yet again to mention our sponsor to whom we're also obligated. Uh we uh but let's talk about audible podcasts or audible.com again and the audible.com slash funny uh link that you can go to to download and and check out your things. So audible is this podcast continues to be brought to you by audible.com. The internet's leading provider of audiobooks with more than a hundred thousand downloadable titles. Let me tell you something people let me tell you something this is an Amazon company so it's legit so you don't need to freak out and two they have Andy Cohen's book on sale for only seven dollars and forty nine cents but you could download it for free if you would just use the link that we're providing for you. And quite frankly um the fact that it is an Amazon company means that if you have an Amazon account you're like already ready to go. It's easy no drama get involved. Yeah that's something that I found out so I so now here's the thing I need to download an audible book um and I want the users to recommend one so everyone go to audible podcast.com slash funny and uh from there pick out a book for me to read and then I'll read it and I'll tell you how the experience was and I don't want to read Andy's book. Oh I read it for us and trust me like oh god Andy Cohen makes me crazy. Okay let's move on we need to talk about the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. It was an amazing episode. This season is really starting to pop for me. I'm quasi-obsessed and before we get into yet another white party we have to start. This was a two party episode so let us let us start with Kim's big coming out and by coming out I mean the new nose reveal. First of all this is so quintessentially Beverly Hills right now to have a party to celebrate the new nose. You know I felt bad honestly looking at Porsche and Madison is it Madison or Kennedy? I never can remember it's Madison. It's Kennedy. Kennedy. One of those presidents. So the thing is this I find it to be so disturbing that you have these little girls and they're sort of being taught that getting a new nose is like the most wonderful thing and that it's it's worthy of celebration and you know here's the thing of course once you're you know once you're 18 if you want to nose get in your nose it's fine but I kind of feel like it should be a laugh resort thing like you know if it's really like you should sort of like enjoy your I'm like Asa enjoy your big nose you know unless you're feeling really really insecure about it but why like why introduce that feeling when you're just a couple of three years old? We live well granted I mean well I was just gonna say granted Kyle should have left the kids at home but then I was thinking well she had to take care of Kennedy because Taylor was MIA being a hooker on an airplane that was really not an airplane but these girls should have clearly not been there they should not be wearing designer handbags on their arms either they're like toddlers it's disgusting yeah they're just awful little brats in the making exactly I mean they're gonna grow up and they're gonna all look like Adrian Maloof which is not a good thing but you know they should be they should be back in the dust pile from season one when Taylor had her tea party birthday for for for Kennedy and all the kids played in the dirt that's what they should be and they should be becoming normal kids and developing their immune systems they don't get peanut allergies and then be happy that they have a feeling that Kennedy probably has every allergy under the sun thanks to her mother no that's probably true anyway okay so we're at this party Kim has actually cleaned up her house well maybe she hasn't cleaned up her house because we didn't see the inside we only saw the pool area which actually was surprisingly nice and you know less horrific than I had imagined unfortunately there was no um talent tossed chicken salad oh so so you so you think but I suspect that there was an industrial sized bowl in the back room that she had been she between like I love Lucy grip stomping in like not even not even her hands she just got full on into this barrel of chicken salad and was stomping it with her feet and mixing it all up I actually envision it you know how mama else on the Real Housewives of Miami she has like a box of rocks and sand that are her healing powers I actually think that Kim Richards likes to just go get a manicure then come home and make vats of chicken salad with her hands and it's soothing just like mama else's rocks yeah and then and then after that Kim goes into some office and throws the chicken salad around to heal all the girls in the office and then she uh stops by um erin brothers and picks up some more metallic frames to frame pictures of kimberly jr well she takes she puts or pictures of the chicken salad being flung around various offices I would love to see actually like on the food network a celebrity face off between um Kim Richards and her chicken salad and Lauren manzo and her her interface egg salad don't even get me started the ultimate bobby flay showdown would be the cuff face egg salad versus cambam Richards chicken salad it would be out of control slash anybody that's listening right now please make us a photo for our Facebook page we need a new cover photo chicken salad versus egg salad Lauren versus Kim Richards yeah exactly and perhaps even bring it over to the taste and maybe maybe that would help that awful show go exactly um okay so back to kim's big reveal the um the always polite Adrienne Maloof um she kept throwing in her digs going like your nose is pretty good but um you know you know doctor was pretty good except you know my my husband paul would have done a better job he's like well you know paul would have done a better job but you know this looks good I mean it's still a bump yeah but you know it looks good looks good for an amateur you know you got Dracula for your for your plastic surgeons that's all right um and once again you're being generous um her plastic surgeon is seriously fucking Dracula from Transylvania he's really creepy he's really really creepy I think everyone at that party is a vampire now I think he bit them all but I will say her her new nose does look pretty damn good so that was a great advertisement for that doctor it was you know it was a nice nose it was I didn't think it was a dramatic change but it was you know it was a nice understated little nose and good for her for doing it she deserves it let her do whatever the hell she wants yeah um but I really think that the the big uh the big takeaway from the party was that Taylor phone call that of course that's the big reveal that was like the the passing of the torch the fact that that uh it was Taylor calling Kyle and that it was Kim during the crazy uh the phone call that to me was such a symbolic moment I mean I almost shed a tear well I mean it's like the torch has been passed so I mean when Kim looks like the same person and Taylor looks like the crazy paper I mean Taylor always looks crazy but now that Taylor has taken that scepter and that crown oh this is just great stuff yeah I hope she runs it and I love how for some reason moments of true drunkenness somehow involve the airplanes at Van Nuys airport like this is the second season in a row where we've had a drunk phone call about an airplane and the Van Nuys airport but this time we didn't have any video footage so as we discussed before we started rolling tonight um I think that both you and I would agree that Taylor was not near any airports yeah she was she was just probably on her toilet and I think that she was probably uh sleeping in a lieu of a tonsuit case in the bottom of a closet in Camille's uh Chateau in Colorado she's like she's like lab this this first class is really really spacious I feel really comfortable here um okay back to this phone call the woman did not even know where her daughter was Kyle clearly takes care of Kennedy all the time I mean yes it was hilarious but it was also really upsetting yeah that's the sort of thing you don't want to have on TV that's the sort of thing that gets social services involved a little bit you know like oh you have Kennedy oh that's good to know before I head off to Vegas on an impromptu 48 hour sexathon that's happening in my head um and by the way none of the other women including Kim and Kyle knew who the hell she was talking about is this the uh therapist she's been working with is this a new man do we have any idea who this dude is that she fell in love with in the past 48 hours I think it's quite frankly a one liter bottle of Coke Zero I don't think she that she drew a smiley face on a one liter bottle of Coke Zero you mean a one liter bottle of Coke as in the sniffing white powder yeah and she and she used her finger to put a smiley face he just takes care of me so well I just it's so nice to have a door open for me again I mean she reminds like whenever I have done drugs or gotten really drunk I mean that's how I act I mean there is no denying that Taylor is messed up yeah um I think that when she thought she's going to Las Vegas she just went to Las Vegas seafood buffet on Hollywood Boulevard which is a real place and yes I actually would really like to go there I actually think that that's probably the only place that Taylor could get into at this because now that you know she claims that she's now that she's in this zip code she's not leaving well guess what honey you don't have any money and you just had to hawk your engagement ring so you might only be able to afford the seafood buffet on Hollywood Boulevard I've worked too hard to get into the shrimp cocktail station to go home now and the funny thing is um she will be working that shrimp cocktail station next season when she's no longer cast member I can totally see her being kicked out of Las Vegas seafood buffet I wasn't stealing the I wasn't stealing the chafe or I was just seeing how big it was how amazing is it going to be when she is kicked off the show and there becomes like a side story where Kyle gets custody of Kennedy you know that's what's going to happen I sort of like all these weird uh people getting kicked off slash parental child things going on with between Adrian and Rod Stewart's wife Penny Lancaster over name and this whole thing it could be very it's getting really twisted aka super interesting slash we love it um okay before we move on to Kyle's white party fiasco where the hell was Yolanda I know I was shocked quite frankly when the episode opened up and the music was trilling about as usual that then sort of music I was like oh perfect I was I was like getting all ready for a our weekly Yolanda lifestyle and yeah I was expecting a fruit basket I was expecting a cameo by her glass refrigerator that I want to live inside of yeah I thought she was gonna come show show up with a giant like giant bowl clay ball and her announcement you know it is very important for you to do your own pottery a husband always likes a woman who can make her own vases you know which is true by the way it's very true very true and any man that learns how to make pottery like Yolanda and or Demi Moore from ghost will have my heart forever you know it's a shame I can only afford two kilns you know most people have a four kilns in a household but David Foster could afford four million kilns and four million horses but her poor deprived daughter only gets one horse and she only gets two kilns but two kilns and one of them has perhaps been converted into tandoori because it's important to have all sorts of ovens in your apartment I was gonna say Mohammed when she when she was married to Mohammed he probably loved a nice old tandoori yeah he probably did although I think he might be more of the Persian or Middle Eastern persuasion which is not tandoori by the way we do we do have some moments of cultural sensitivity here very rarely but we pretend everyone's in a while okay so we don't know where Yolanda was it was totally sad not to see her because by the way Ronnie who is not on the podcast this week he's home and sick and vomiting and we're really sorry about that we're not sorry however that Ronnie is a fucking liar because Ronnie every week says oh just you wait Yolanda's about to flip her shit and she's about to go off and make great TV um Yolanda has been MIA pretty much since the beginning of the season she had a party with Suzanne Summers and that's about it so I you know I got a little bit excited when she got a little riled up at Camille when they were in Vegas but I am not seeing enough Yolanda and you know if they're gonna keep going forward with her she needs to bring the goods or get the fuck off the show don't you think that maybe with Yolanda there maybe there has to be something crazy that happens otherwise wouldn't they have just downgraded her to a friend of housewives or do they want to have David Foster on there so badly is I think I think that they really just want David Foster in the background because every once in a while he'll say something either sexist or horrifying or he'll talk about Barbara Streisand and that gets like Andy Cohen hard so he's like okay let's get Yolanda on the show I don't know what the deal is but I don't think it's really for Yolanda I think it's more for the house I think it's more for the Grammys that are all over his piano and perhaps for their celebrity access that they're hoping that maybe the fosters will host a party and they'll let the Bravo cameras inside which if the fosters are smart they will not let that happen I agree I agree so no Yolanda speaking of idiots who do open up their doors and let camera crews come in and film parties let's talk about Kyle Richards and Mauricio aka John Turturo from The Big Lebowski I believe somebody posted that on our Facebook page was John Turt on The Big Lebowski he was okay well they are twins and they had another white party and Kyle still sucks go okay here's my problem this is now the third season in a row where we have to see this white party come together and Kyle freaks out oh my god there's no DJ nothing's up yet but how many times have you done this white party why is it taking you so so much time why it's so difficult for you to put this thing up it should be like it should be like an automatic process at this point just more important white octopus get your like little white seats up put the DJ there and just go and if she were smart she would have hired Kevin from the designer of Pandora's wedding so it could be she she she darling oh I agree I agree but they should play on every party I mean honestly like he would probably do our birthday parties for five dollars oh I'm sure I'm sure and they'll be held at Sizzler at least they're gonna do we even have Sizzler in LA yeah on highland highland between I think Hollywood and sunset or between sunset and fountain oh that's where Taylor will end up when she gets fired from the lobster seafood buffet yeah I I hear that she's looking to pick up a second gig there as a line cook she might end up there with Stossie after she gets fired from sir but we'll get there in a minute okay back to the white party the whole well there was a lot that went on let's start let's start small and then we'll work our way up to the fight let's start with Adrienne and her dirty ass skid marks okay this is one of the most disgusting details we have ever learned about Adrian Maloof that she has got so much bronzer on that she ruins every white couch that she comes near now Lisa of course being the past aggressive and I'm saying it's the best possible way bitch exactly by the way that's a term of enjoyment whenever Ben and I refer to Lisa yeah she was like you know she left you know she used to ruin a she ruined a perfectly nice couch my with brown streaks and I wasn't going to say anything but then she did the tea party and of course I had to pipe up I love the I wasn't going to say anything as you broadcast it to all of the entire nation um well guess what Adrienne deserves to get a lot of shit because she's disgusting and awful and here's the other thing if somebody ruins any piece of furniture in my house I'm gonna make them pay for it yeah and on top of that is I've never done this spray tanning thing but I have don't you do it like the day before and then like the next day like it's not supposed to get everywhere right it's really difficult I will be honest um first of all it stains the palms of your hands and it ruins all of your nails um and it's disgusting and you smell like soy sauce however I'm like tell me the bad parts this all sounds great to me smelling like soy sauce can be a good thing except if you are in the mood for um P.F. Chang's and then you want to like no on your hand it's not good but um here's the thing it looks better after a day or two after it started to set in clearly this woman is getting spray tanned and then just jumping on everybody's furniture immediately after it's it's rubbing off on Lisa's furniture and you would think hello Lisa's house only has white furniture in it and and or mirrored furniture so maybe you shouldn't sit down and on top of that she also said does bronzer she's using bronzer first of all what woman uses bronzer these days I mean isn't that something like a relic from the 80s it always way to make yourself look like a carrot okay I am a horrible person who worships the sun and lays out and likes to fry my skin and I'm going to the dermatologist it's going to be a bad scene for myself but I actually do think these women that are so concerned with their plastic surgery faces never see the light of day without wearing like a massive sun hat or covering themselves in bronzer as opposed to letting the sun uh permeate their flesh well here's another question so agent maloof has like a spa thirty thousand dollar spa in her i keep saying apartment in her mansion um why don't you just sit on the in the tanning bed for 20 minutes and just get it over with hey i'm Ryan Reynolds at mid mobile we like to do the opposite of what big wireless does they charge you a lot we charge you a little so naturally when they announce they'd be raising their prices due to inflation we decided to deflate our prices due to not hating you that's right we're cutting the price of mint unlimited from thirty dollars a month to just fifteen dollars a month give it a try at mint mobile dot com slash switch forty five dollars up from payment equivalent to fifteen dollars per month new customers on first three month plan only taxes and fees extra speed slower above forty gigabyte ct tail getting engaged can be stressful getting the right ring won't be at blue Nile dot com the jewelers at blue Nile dot com have sparkle down to a science with beautiful lab grown diamonds worthy of your most brilliant moments their lab grown diamonds are independently graded and guaranteed identical to natural diamonds and ready to ship to your door get fifty dollars off your purchase of five hundred dollars or more with code audio at blue Nile dot com that's blue Nile dot com code audio for fifty dollars off um I am now starting to wonder if Adrian wanted to leave skid marks all over Lisa's furniture because she hates her listen and I said this on twitter last night which is yeah as bad as Adrian's skid marks are I can only imagine what Faye Resnick leaves around because that woman is spray tanned with an inch of her life I know that she's also black but she's also spray tan happy black history month once again but uh beyond Faye Resnick leaving a our residue of lotions and potions what else do you think Faye Resnick leaves behind I have I have a few theories myself but I'll let you start um probably something gooey that resembles melted uh nerds nerds I haven't heard that in a long time you know that she probably rolls around she just likes to get a dusting of nerds and then stand in a under a heat lamp and let it all melt over her body it's the new beauty treatment a nerd scrub yeah what do you think she leaves behind in the as I call it on on twitter her Resnick do oh she is so she's you know but I'm not gonna give her the time of day right now because she's so disgusting let's keep talking about Adrian though and the house fire that happened across the street that I think Adrian would like to peg her divorce on yeah um well so Lisa's house caught on fire and Adrian freaked out and decided to drive way which I did not think was the worst response in the world I didn't either and I mean Paul clearly cared to take photos of the burning house across the street as opposed to rescuing his wife and children um but you know I didn't really have a problem with Adrian wanting to leave but I think that she really wanted to stab Paul in the eye I mean uh do we agree that it was probably Bernie who started that fire no doubt because Bernie is the cause of all horrible things I mean Bernie and Leon rhymes are the horrible causes of everything so uh and I'm sure I'm sure Leon rhymes once dated Bernie given that she has Terrible Gator that is true I mean look at her ex-husband Dean Chermette who's a dancer with quotation marks around the word dance no he's no longer a dancer he is now he went to culinary school and now he is a Poisson yay at Jean George in New York City okay and the three things that you just said I don't know what Poisson yay or Jean George mean but they all sound gay yeah they're gay and they're also the sort of things that you would definitely want to have in a husband so it's a Poisson yay a fish expert I think so I think Poisson is fish on France we may we uh so I think it's soon to allure he's a Poisson yay who knew such existed he works at a top restaurant and he knows how to cook that's what matters and Leon yeah but let's be honest I think he's more of a bottom chef than a top chef oh you're right that's very clever and you're right so clever here after a long day of work okay let's talk more about this white party Taylor said that there was a double standard Kyle last year threw out Taylor and her now deceased husband because Camille had threatened to sue them or serve them with papers this year Adrienne had threatened to serve brandy with papers slash she actually did Kyle did not kick the maloofs out of the house well it's just bullshit well it's Kyle didn't have to kick them out because you know what people were actually level-headed and they're like you know what like we're gonna be above what we were last year what bothered me was not that they weren't kicked out but that they acted as if it was a totally different situation and I hate the fact that they are hiding behind semantics and technicalities that they weren't oh they're not suing anyone we're not suing anyone but you wrote a letter threatening to sue and that's the exact same thing that Russell did and how you could even say that's not only do they say it's not the same situation they're truly dismissive of the idea and being like oh no that's ridiculous oh come on now you know yeah it made me it made me want to slap them a loose because clearly again it's semantics at play here and it's just like just own up to it but the other thing that I wanted people to own up to was somebody should have just said guess what last year your husband Russell was a creep and we didn't want him to come into our house because he scares us that's why they should have said you know you really didn't get kicked out because of what Camille was threatening to you you got kicked out because Russell is creepy exactly but then there is also to be true to be fair and was sort of alluded to there is the power situation which is that if you have the maloof saying uh yet these people are not allowed in the party then you're gonna you're gonna take them a loose side because you know they have you know that's that's all the money right there you know Russell and Taylor on the popularity scale are lower than Adrian but it also shows that there's total bullies and they're just Adrian is just awful you know she used to also be like a bunch just terrible just terrible woman who leaves skid marks everywhere what I'm that alone it was just disgusting I know could you be a worse type of woman I mean women don't leave skid marks except for Adrian Maloof I mean say what you will about Joel Zaren but at least she didn't leave any brown smears anywhere no she would she would leave something else maybe maybe ginger would leave a smear yeah but but Joel Zaren would not leave a smear maybe some matzamil crumbs everywhere but that's not it no doubt no doubt okay so let's talk about this the white party became a hot mess because Faye Resnick was there obviously and all the sides were you know it was really team brandy versus team Adrian at a certain point the guys even got into it Ken and Paul started sniffing at each other Ken this year by the way is I'm loving Ken because he's defending brandy um against uh Paul on this episode and previously against Mauricio and I just love that he protects that woman I just think that he's awesome I love it I do like you know he's sort of like a jiggy you know quiet and cute but then we'll pipe up if need be and I think actually what was great was that everyone was kind of ganging up on Paul and Adrian because um you know what basically what happened was uh brandy was sitting on a couch and sent one of her nameless friends whose name was like a retria or aretria or I think that's a country actually but anyway this they summoned she summons Paul and Adrian over which by the way I don't think is the best way to handle it no she summoned Adrian over but Paul had to go with her yeah so they came over and then they started talking it out and everyone's credit even though voices did get raised it seemed like they actually were making good progress which I was very happy to see because truthfully this whole thing is stupid um and then of course you can only make so much progress before the start the shark start to circle in which case in this case it was Lisa and Ken and Kyle and Mauricio and Taylor and they all came I kind of I kind of loved it though because Taylor did call out Adrian and that was a great moment and then on top of that you had Ken taking on Paul and and Adrian as well and I loved it I loved that everyone was getting up on those two idiots with their stupid faces oh I thought it was fantastic I was just hoping that Bernie would crash through the doors you know and like start attacking people well that was great what was great also was that brandy was prepared this time and she pulls out documents documents upon documents we brothel loves a document a dramatic document reveal DRD it's like and everyone has to always be seated on a couch that happens dramatic document DDR excuse me dance dance revolution the revolution is dance yeah um it was uh I loved it I loved it she served them with these papers and they kind of didn't know what to say and I was a little annoyed because I think as they were reading it if my memory certainly correctly that's when everyone showed up and I kind of was like bummed because I wanted them to sort of stammer and be like oh I see what's happened here you know here here's one possibility now rich people when they're as rich as the maloofs I sometimes feel like their lawyers just do that like if I had a lawyer issue I would know what's going on with my lawyer because I'd be freaking out about how much money they cost me per hour yeah the maloofs are so rich they just might have lawyers that do things for them without them even knowing yeah but so I don't know I still I don't believe it I don't believe it they said they said that they knew there was a letter of intent so okay well then again semantics are at play this fight is far from over next week is going to continue to spiral out of control but let us spiral out of control and talk about the biggest piece of crap on TV that we are all watching Vanderpump rules oh my goodness this show is such a loathsome awful show and yet I am totally hooked on it I'm so glad that next week is the season finale because I don't want to have to keep on explaining to people oh it's this awful show but you kind of should watch it you know I know like my credibility is already shot I can't keep talking about this week after week so we only have one more episode but right now let's talk about how disgusting Stasi is Stasi is really one of the most loathsome people I hate to keep on using that word loathsome all over and over again she makes Hitler look like a nice guy like oh no like Hitler is like Hitler is like a mother Teresa compared to Stasi and I am not even exaggerating I'm not even using hyperbole I really think she is just one of the most terrible people I've ever seen on TV and I was actually thinking the other day that if I saw her on the streets of Hollywood which is very possible because they all shoot their show directly around our condos back but I I honestly think that I would be that crazy reality TV viewer that would actually go up to her on the side of the road and say you disgust me like I think that I'm that pissed off that I would say something so inappropriate like that to a stranger on the side of the road I think I hate her more than Spencer Pratt I think I hate her more than Heidi Montag because with Heidi you got the sense that she's just so dumb and naive she's just going along with whatever Spencer is doing and Spencer you get the sense that he is an asshole but he's kind of bright and in fact I actually met Spencer and Heidi a few years ago and they were like let me guess were you at that Mexican restaurant on Los Angeles uh no I was not I was act no they would they went to Don Antonio's in Santa Monica and it's a glam restaurant no it is great I actually went there because of them and I was like oh my god I am hooked it's my it's my favorite Mexican restaurant no joke but um I hung on them for some random reason I spent like an afternoon with them and they're not great they're not great people but but Spencer you at least get the sense that he's actually smart in his own weird way you know and I'll give him that but Stassi got nothing it's disgusting but a chin and plant okay and proving by visiting with her parents on last week's episode you know this girl who thinks that she's high class and sophisticated is nothing but pure garbage she is and in fact I was thinking as I was watching the episode that we should arrange or start some sort of wonderful campaign where if you get stuck at her station uh and uh sir or one of her tables like either don't tip her or tip her very little and I would love to see her tips go down as a result of this because originally I was like people should request to not be at her station but then I thought you know if she gets low tips that actually might cause her to change her behavior I don't know about that because she is the devil and people that are the devil cannot really change their devil behavior well I don't know at this moment I like to sort of subscribe to some ultra capitalist revenge yeah yes team where I think that money will make anything go it's like I guess a very libertarian thing right I was gonna say you're so metal and stow right now and I'm enjoying it yeah like you know if if there's one thing that can change saucy it won't be like self-awareness it's money okay I have a really important question for you do you think that saucy's puppy when it escapes from her arms would rather run into oncoming traffic or remain in her home because if I were the dog I would run in front of a bus it would it would certainly run in front of a bus you saw the way that dog was trembling it wasn't because it was cold it just knew because it was it was trembling because it was being held in the claws of the devil you know like how dogs can sense evil exactly that that puppy was so scared that it couldn't even bark because it knew it was being clutched by Lucifer herself yeah it was like it knew its soul was leaving its body with every day it's like I'm such a cute puppy how could this be happening to me how could I be winding up in the hands of the most evil person in the entire world I don't know I don't know I have a few other bullet points here this show is so disgusting but let's just talk about a few of these other bullets because we do have to move on because we are running long okay the guys working out what was that about well that was I mean it's they're just ridiculous I mean I've seen people working on those bars and everything and they tend to be a lot more jacked than those guys these guys are all idiots and jacks is the ringleader of the idiots because you know this jacks let's just get into jacks the storyline here which is that you used to be really into Lorelai or Lorelai Lorelai Lorelai not Lorelai anymore don't get it twisted sorry so Lorelai and then she announces last week that she he's not only the most attractive guy she's ever dated but that she really likes him at which point he started to become the typical Hollywood douchebag and was like oh this is happening too quickly and then she made the dumb mistake of dragging him to her like narcotics anonymous okay excuse me but if any gay dudes are listening to this show right now and you want to date me do yourselves a favor and don't let me know that you started drinking at age 12 and got addicted to meth at age 13 because guess what I'm a gonna think that all of your teeth are gonna fall out and b it's not gonna happen yeah and especially when you're still struggling with sobriety like if you've had a relapse six days prior I think you don't want to necessarily bring your super hot superficial boyfriend to something like this you need to have like two years under the belt before you do that and so under so unsurprisingly after being stuck in this recovery meeting the jack is like uh maybe this is a bad time but I kind of think that um we should slow down everything how amazing was his timing um you've just balled your eyes out we've been at therapy together you just told me that you've only been sober for six days but I want to break up with you I know that was that was like hideous I mean this guy is such a dog not only does he look like a dog in the face but he actually is a dog uh and and I feel like like he's one of many of these guys here in Hollywood um and for him to do that right on the heels of the of a recovery meeting was to me one of the most douche baggy things I've seen on reality but were you complaining when they went to the sweat garage or whatever it was called and he was all toweled up and looking all sweaty you were enjoying that I I did enjoy that I won't lie I did too I did a little rewind to see if there was a peek up that towel but I didn't see anything I did enjoy it um and I've seen Jack's in a towel at LA Fitness uh and it it's it looks good in person but I'm telling you his face honestly I I don't even find his face attractive anymore especially when he has his like semi-beard that's not really there he just looks dirty he's kind of like a dirty busted bull mastiff actually yeah exactly so then fast forward to I don't know there's all of a sudden we we break into a scene where Jack's is now crying and decides that he loves Stossy again so he pulls Stossy to the side in the middle of the work night by the way and they have this like long conversation where he just begs and pleads to have her back in his life and it's the most pathetic thing we've seen and since the last pathetic thing that happened on the show which I was gonna say since five minutes prior and they were all being pathetic and disgusting and um I don't know I just I don't understand why anybody would want to be with him or why anybody would want to be with Stossy or anybody would want to be with Laura Lee or any of the people on this cast they're all vile at least I don't feel like Laura Lee is vile though but I definitely would not go in your her ten-foot pole she is she is totes insane did you see the way she was acting when Jack's serving drinks to those customers my god to me that was one of the most amazing monologues we've seen in the past nine months because when she gets up there in front of people I start saying you know like yeah my boyfriend who used to have unprotected unprotected sex with me every single day all of a sudden decides to befriend me on Facebook that's the way of breaking up with me I was like yes you're crazy but you should call him out like that that was amazing such an amazing monologue I feel like she was practicing it for at least because she's an actress I feel like she was practicing it for at least two days and it was kind of like a bizarre combo of Amanda Woodward from Melrose Place meets Sue Hawk's speech from Survivor season one like a like the perfect mashup of those two and it made for like amazing gifts and you know I just I rewound it like five times because it was one of the best quotes ever oh I agree entirely and then when she said and someday when I land out on a TV show and I'm walking a red carpet you will regret it and then he was like uh no I won't and by the way of course then there's the whole meta quality the fact that this is being said on a TV show but man I loved her crazy I also loved when she approached Stasi earlier and confronted Stasi about being a bitch and then Stasi was being just Stasi was so evil like Ben have you ever met a girl that could be that mean I have honestly I really have not she slayed Laura Lee by barely saying anything except your pathetic and it cut to the bone I know that's the thing with Stasi is that she can be evil in two different ways she could be evil in that she can berate someone and be a nag and be and then be a victim and talk down to them but then she can also smile at someone and be totally condescending and say things like you're pathetic it makes me so angry like she's such a terrible person and then you know when she was on the rooftop of the undaz was like oh you mean when she was having a pool party and not doing her job yeah which is a fashion blogger please do my I would love to read one of her columns I'm sure no let's not get her any paper scrapping I'm sure there's a lot of there there are issues and you're in your issues I'm just going to put that out there right now I'm sure she was definitely with an a I'm sure she says suppose supposedly I'm sure she says irregardless and I feel like the word literally it might be every three words absolutely we have to look up one of her columns but um but when when Kristen came in with a horse faces and totally ignored her um I didn't know whether to be happy that Stasi was being ignored or just to hate myself for indulging in this all around country behavior by all these girls I loved when that pony sash sat in and her platform sandal and just ignored her yeah she's like somebody drinks up there's such idiots I hate them all okay um there was one other moment I don't know whoever edits the show together just clearly it needs to win no awards because then it was like cut to randomly skeena shana shana wherever the hell she's from where is she from again I loved when you say it Azusa Azusa from Azusa the garbage capital of the universe anyway it was like cutting to her having a screaming fit I mean these people are all bipolar is that is that right she's like I skipped a really important audition to come and to do these four what oh my god I'm like listen shana I'm sorry to tell you this but you weren't gonna get it anyway yeah sorry honey I think that the cast and couch whole thing like they were probably like no sorry we don't even want you to blow us she's like it was me and jillian more american and i had to skip it i was gonna land that um okay let's move on because i don't even have the energy to talk about lisa berating stasi when she was all snotty and like she needed a clean axe but she just kept using her hand and i was gonna bomb it and i had to turn the channel oh yeah it's just it's an awful show i'm totally invested um jax is terrible and lorley's closing monologue was legendary and the good news is we do have the season finale next week thank god and they're doing a sexy pool shoot so we do get to see at least see the guys and check out their packages to see if there's anything going on yeah um speaking of sexy let's move uh over to tarantulas let's go let's move down Santa Monica boulevard out of west hollywood through bevelieles and into westwood for the chas as sunsets region part one well staying on the on the topic of packages let's discuss this i posted on the facebook page and it was brought up during reunion part one mic in playgirl what is that about um look i'm gonna look at the pictures but oh i am too i love how people on facebook were like oh you guys you can't deny that you're definitely gonna check them out i never said i wasn't gonna check them out i don't get it twisted i just didn't know i just didn't know if like straight women care to check them out here's the thing with mike he does have a nice smile then she has this nice smile he does have a nice smile his body and look i like muscular guys and i like meat heads with all that stuff but his body is just stumpy uh you know it looks like a looks like a big old square he looks like a square version of the michelan man you know instead of like rolls he just has blocks yeah he's like a block he's blocky and lumpy and i mean not he's not owned or defined and you know he's just very no i mean he kind of has like judice belly where it's kind of like yeah there might be some muscle there but it's also rotund yeah and i i would doubt it if he was taller than my uh my poang chair for my kia i think he was just i was staring at a chair in my room and i was like i he's not taller than this chair yeah he has that he has that sort of like uh sort of munch can look to him i find it all like very unattractive um smile so we're still gonna check it out i have a feeling he's not gonna show the goods though i don't think so either i don't think i don't think he would be allowed to and his with his family and the Persian community what is it called the dudutal yeah the golden penis the dudutal well i'd rather see his um then then reza's because reza is disgusting as we've established many times before but let's talk about reza and mj and their friendship deteriorating it was really awkward and i think it's only going to get worse next week when reza brings up the whole bank robbery scenario but he pretty much called mj uphill popping alcoholic hot mess all she does is pop pills like that's so personal for her like that is like white people like they don't pop pills they like smoke weed and everything and they look for seaglass but mj she just pops pills like it's saffron rice she loves it she thinks it's rice crack like she just will eat that for days on end home girl loves it um home girl has no defense for anything because it's fairly obvious that at four years old she is so messed up but because of her mother and the shitty relationship that they've had you know part of me doesn't blame her because her mother is you know stasi the devil part two evil dorris robert is what i call evil dorris robert's um but you know this woman is four years old she is not 25 so you know there's just no hiding it anymore oh absolutely but i thought honestly i almost didn't even care about the pills because i thought what was really sad is that they do have a 20 plus 20 year plus friendship and uh it's falling apart i mean not to get all like this but don't you i know i know where you're going and i agree with them i guess if we're just watching these people come on shows like the real house wives or chasas on set and watch their friendships just crumble apart we saw you know least in age we need to be friends now they're not we see everyone their friend their friendships their marriages they fall apart it's like it's sad it's really sad it's kind of sad slash it's great tv um i i i do think that i think that like mj is a complete disaster and i understand that resa is probably fed up with a lot of her bullshit but the stuff that he is saying to his alleged best friend of 20 plus years his disc he is just as disgusting yeah that's the thing with resa i always go back and forth you know he has moments where he can be poignant and he can have perspective on things and he can be smart but he also is a total asshole and i think he thinks he can get away with it because he's hey i'm resa and i'm like i'm like totally like i'm gay and funny and that's what i am but no just because you have some one-liners doesn't mean he can say these vile things about your best friend like say it in private no he's just an asshole let's be honest um okay before we get into gg versus asa i have to talk about lily she is my favorite person on the entire past i don't care that she has a crazy voice and that she has amazingly fake that's that's just my voice like that that's just how i am and that's just what you're gonna have to deal with like i have a crazy voice and that's just who i am i don't want to have to brag about my voice but i will if i have two okay two things number one um i think it's kind of or three things i think it's funny that she told her parents that she was gonna be on the show like three days before it aired number two speaking of the ddr dramatic document reveal oh yeah this girl came loaded with paperwork to prove the nine hundred one million plus dollar cars that she and her ex-boyfriend own and she was not taking any of mj shit she was like i have a receipt for my we i mean she had a receipt for everything i asked food for another butter fluffer cutter butter sweetie poops to compile all my receipts and here they are here's a receipt for my two hundred and fifty thousand dollar rolls royce i mean i don't want to have to brag about it but here's the receipt for you don't like that i love that she prefaced everything like i don't want to brag about it but this cost four million dollars no i like lily too i like that her lawyer came out and she came with all her proof and she came prepared and she pretty much shot down everything um her only only moment when she was a little off was when mj was trying to apologize to her and she was kept on going but mike mike was good mike um no i actually got really pissed because i hate when mike tries to act like the dad i mean i like it when he regulates chiji but he was so condescending and i had no problem with lily you know continuing to talk because mj is a pile of shit i don't know i actually felt like mj was being sincere there and oh please at least like let her say it at least let her say it um and then if she goes back on it afterwards then he can really dig into her but i agree i hate when mike is condescending to the women he's very condescending to the women because he talks about them tells them what to do and then you know you have a party where they're supposed to be the apology party and he gets all violent with omid on that yeah good good good luck uh non-persion fiance that's gonna go really well for you yeah i think he's actually pretty chauvinist that mike oh no diggity no doubt okay let's talk quickly ossa versus gg are you team knife golnessa are you team cottage cheese ossa um i mean ossa definitely is the victor in this situation but gg was her lines were pretty amazing like let me throw this bowl of olives on your face to make you look better i mean that's that's pretty great you know and by the way i was i talking with that that they had like a huge spread of food at this reunion was kind of amazing they don't even have food at top oh my god it made me so hungry i just wanted to dive into that the coffee table i i know it was amazing i mean i i i'm gg was being so offensive it it got to the point where it was hilarious unlike stasi who was just offensive okay when you what you refer to ossa as that thing i mean that was pretty amazing i just loved that throughout the entire episode they just kept a referencing like who here is still supported by their parents the only person raising their hand is gg who here uh you know and they just kept going on and on and on it's like who here has never worked a day in their life and gg raises her hand who here is the only person that said i would like to take a knife and gut my pregnant sister and put her face off and she has to raise her hand i mean i think that andy coen thinks that she's disgusting i think so too but you know i don't think gg uh is totally indefensible i think that there are certain things she brought up that i think were we're a legit i do think that with the big nose thing the comment that ossa made i think gg has does actually have a point which is that you don't know how sensitive this person is about his nose maybe he wants to get a nose a nose job or something like that like that's like it was honestly when ossa said that it was obnoxious even though it was supposed to be a compliment she meant it as a compliment but gg did not need to read gg did not need to react that way i i'm not arguing that i just think that you know ossa is not perfect and gg i think gg made a good point there i think when she said you don't know how how sensitive a mead might have been i thought that was one of gg's few good points and i think that uh the other point that mj made which was that why is it okay to bash gg for you know for uh being on her dad's you know being on her dad's doll whereas uh lily has her ex's black you know black amex or whatever and no one says a thing i thought nobody should trust anything that mj says because as lily put it best looking down looking down looking down again looking down every time you look down you're a liar mj and all you did was stare at your fucking fat pig feet in your lubotons that was amazing that was that was an that was an amazing sequence i actually started to feel bad for mj because she was getting busted so much oh she got busted i loved it oh i did um i mean ossa i feel like ossa said some dumb things too i just can't remember what they were but when they ultimately got into this fight again it was so stupid it was really a stupid stupid fight and they're they should i would like to say that they're old enough that they should not be having these fights but they shouldn't bend the majority of them are knocking on 40 i mean gg is 30 but the others are knocking on 40 well you know what that's their fault for hanging out with with a 30-year-old although i i do have friends who are like way older than me but still they should know better they should know better you know they're they're immature they're immature people themselves i mean the fact when they disinvited gg from mexico that was like that was a page right out of the stasi handbook okay it was also a mistake because there would have been even more awesome fighting i that we could have witnessed and for that i will forever be angry okay speaking of busted things we have to move down to the dirty south we have to talk about busted synthia and her busted miss renaissance pageant and how awkward i felt watching this episode because she is a moron of epic proportions and the fact that anybody would let her run anything is beyond my imagination she only did one thing right in this entire pageant which is higher bores cojo who is a hotness hot hot hot hotterson i'm surprised that she didn't make him take off a shirt but hey that's all right yeah it was well that would have been better than his like old navy like cargo shorts and shirt that he wore as opposed to a suit but you know whatever yeah uh the whole everything was a hot mess no one like they they left out entire groups of girls they had their names all wrong i mean it was you know i love that the planner lady that was like her only job was to print out the documents and put them in order she fucked up and then synthia when asked oh are you fine or are you feeling okay about this instead of synthia getting on her and saying do your job correctly synthia was like yeah i'm great let's go let's roll this bitch synthia is a total idiot she is the dumbest she's the dumbest of them all and by the way her wig that she was wearing when they were at the bailey agency earlier in the day was so atrocious i mean it made everyone of kim's lcx wigs look like they deserved the oscar of wigs oh i agree you know this this this pageant was i mean i i don't think uh the last time we i think we saw something as poorly run as this was when she had a runway show and she could barely get through her as in her mc duties you know she is a disaster bent this woman is in her mid 40s and she is so incapable of doing anything like i just i find it unfathomable that these people are so stupid you know what she's in the wrong place she should not be in atlanta she should be up in new york modeling and doing modeling gigs where she doesn't have to open her mouth and she could be around attractive people and be around her the gaze up there that she likes more anyway and that's where she belongs but like she's down in atlanta she feels the pressure to be an entrepreneur of some sort yeah and no wonder no wonder why there are four least signs up in the bayleigh agency windows right now yeah you know here's the other thing every person that she knows every guy is like super hot like there's boros kojo there's her ex they're all these guys she knows that are really hot and yet she winds up with peter of all the guys she winds up with peter that just shows she's a huge huge idiot why is she not with a hot rich dude that is taking care of her so that she doesn't have to work yeah she had she had she had she had the sort of woman that can call up boros kojo and he shows up on a plane to host you know amateur hour uh miss renaissance thing i mean i could have had a better pageant in my apartment uh with three bottles of wine where the bottles of wine are actually the contestants it would have been more especially run i actually think that you should do that and if you're gonna call it miss renaissance at least put on some renaissance garb with the little booties and have like a big old turkey drumstick i was shocked that no one showed up in renaissance garb i thought i know a lot of really disappointed ren fair people outside i know that ren fair crowd was turned away by that creepy like honey booboo or pageant organizer with the with the bronzer oh he was gross he's gross but you know he was very competent and he's one of the few competent people we've ever seen on the real house with atlanta so i actually was a big fan of sai sai okay a few other things happened porsha thought that she was going to prove to her man who by the way is totally misogynistic and awful towards her and is so disgusting um she was trying to prove to him that she could handle having a baby so she decided to rent her brother's little child who was adorable for a few days to uh to see if she could handle motherhood and the answer clearly is no because she had her pomeranian do the babysitting she's like oh i got my i got my dog doing all the babysitting it's working out really well the dogs were paying attention i could have that dog on that i'm not baby for 265 days a year that's one full year right there two pines of fun i like this pageant it was a good pageant by the way that dog niko is adorable yeah skin it and i make muff and some ear ear muffs out of it because he is adorable niko is clearly the uh the inheritor of the jiggy throw i was just gonna say watch out jiggy boo yeah niko is definitely the cutest dog to come around some jiggy yeah watch out jiggy watch out legend watch out uh what was jul seren's dog i talked about it earlier it's disgusting who was legend again was legend that was atrian maloof's dog oh no that was jackpot legend was just sin does dog from real world london season four what is wrong with me i have serious problems the fact that you were able to then recall immediately who legend was is still also very impressed that's a 20-year-old reference i think i know a cod were tragic okay so porsha thinks that she's going to be a mom and that's going to be horrifying slash that's definitely needing to happen on the next season yeah well i also love when she shows up with the baby at the fashion show and then kenny's like who baby is that um that's not ryla ryla ryla ryla ryla ryla ryla ryla ryla ryla ryla ryla ryla ryla ryla ryla ryla ryla ryla ryla ryla ryla laughed hysterically and because then as soon as it burst out of her mouth without her thinking and then she was like oh maybe i shouldn't say that in a public setting well i don't these other people i was very happy to see ryla ryla ryla okay kenny she recorded the we talked about uh state parade up a little bit earlier uh she recorded the song with marvin sat but this was the first time besides mama joist that we got to see where kenny came from and uh we got to see her dad for the first time yeah and it was such a forgettable experience i mean he basically came in and then he cried like a baby he cried and then he was gone and i like when he showed up she's like oh hey dad like what that's a dad okay well hey dad real we're hanging out with ryla before okay my other favorite part of the episode was near the beginning which i just have to say you know call me a horrible person everybody out there that's listening already knows that i'm a horrible person but faedra um in in in an attempt to have some synergy on bravo had chef roblay cook them dinner in their rec room which they then ate off of a plastic table from ikea on a carpet that was over a rug again in a rec room out of their like fake mini basement kitchen what the fuck was that i don't know i'm so glad you took notes because i can't remember anything this week so i'm so glad you took notes just let's have a sexy dinner in my rec room i'll be wearing um sweatpants and he will make for us some bruce shadow with some avocado on it if that is what you call a sexy glamorous dinner in your rec room i just don't even know what to say well if it wasn't chef roblay they'd probably going to spaghetti factory so i think it's a step up oh i just i don't i don't understand i just don't get them you know maybe speaking of food we should talk about top chef let's do it we are running super long okay here's what i have to say matt this is what i really want to talk about with top chef it's actually more about last chance kitchen because what happened was wait okay so let's get let's get there because i didn't watch last chance kitchen so i don't know so josh got eliminated everybody for those of you who are not watching cap chef or sorry spoiler alert josh was eliminated his wife just gave birth and then you know that's at minutes after she gave birth they cut him from the show so we're left obviously with brook and sheldon but then josh went back to last chance kitchen where he was going to have to face off against christen who's obviously been killing it there what happened so it's not just christen it was the winner of save a chef uh came back and so they brought back cj and and lizzy and i love lizzy so was it a was it a face off no so what happened was tom announced that the winner of save a chef was lizzy which made me so happy because i did not want cj around this so then it was it was uh lizzy versus josh versus christen and they just had to cook something really good whatever it was now i sort of got i don't remember what uh lizzy made some sort of like uh noki i think or she made some pasta thing and christen made a pasta thing if i remember correctly i'm assuming that christen won because the christen clearly is who the well let me tell you something let me tell you something tell me so josh so josh made something and let me add let me guess did josh make something that was breakfast with bacon infused honestly i wish i could remember i have no idea why i can't remember anything because all he makes is breakfast for dinner which i love all the reason why is because stasi has ruined my brain and i can't remember shit that's more than half an hour old i don't even remember we're talking about half an hour ago blame stasi i need a teacher that says so anyway the point is this josh was eliminated tom was like listen josh yours just wasn't quite up to par with the other two and then tom goes and the winner of last chance kitchen is and it ends and i was like what i just watched 11 minutes of this for you not even telling me like i was so infused you are kidding me we should all boycott i mean we can't boycott bravo tv shows but we should definitely boycott bravo.com it was really manipulative and we're gonna learn the winner on the on the first episode of the finale guess what i really think that this last chance kitchen is total bullshit clearly they want people to go to bravo's website so they can get some traffic there because they're hoars and they're greedy and they want more than their tv ratings however i have never watched an episode of that and i never will if they're going to pull these fucking stunts that are disgusting and rude and stupid okay and i also have a serious problem because somebody who's last chance kitchen should not be able to come back into the show into the finale maybe you can come back to the final four maybe you can come back to the final five but you should not get a fast pass to the finale that is bullshit bullshit bullshit bullshit i don't think you should have a fast pass the finale but i like the idea of last chance kitchen because i do think sometimes you do have very talented chefs who get screwed by either a teammate challenge or or or they there's like an issue with like a bad burner or like there are a lot of variables that can cause someone an excellent chef to have a bad there christen was eliminated too early in the competition but i just have this feeling that they want her to come back obviously they want another female to win because we've only had one stephanie and i am already just getting pissed that she's gonna come back and win when brook deserves the win well i don't even need to see the rest of the finale brook deserves to be a chef i agree but we don't know i mean lizzy could beat christen lizzy is lizzy is very good and i think people really liked lizzy in her story with her father who has recently passed away and i just i just the fisherman um i i loved it and i love lizzy and i i'm not a hater on christen i just feel like it's really like they're really manipulating the whole season uh i i'm not as behemoth about you about it as as you are but i was really pissed that they they sent us to the website only to give us nothing i don't mind being sent to website i think it's a good use of good cross-platform use tv website i think it works very nicely uh and i think that last chance kitchen is probably the best that we've seen from all the other tv shows that try to do the same thing i will give it bad and i do still love me my top chef and i actually think this season has been good i just get pissed off when they cut things off like that it's so crazy well look uh this has now made me very hungry i'm rooting for brook i thought she made uh what did she make something like something her mom had used to make it looked good look beefy and stewy which are two things that i think are disgusting but it made people feel warm and cozy and i'm all about that i'm all about okay next week we are going to have a ton of stuff to talk about it's going to be an awesome episode of watch what crappins we have the continuation of the white party in beverly hills we have the vanderpump rules season finale with the sexy photo shoot we have shah's reunion part two we have top chef finale part one and we probably have more bullshit out of scinthe in the real housewives of atlanta it's going to be a great episode hopefully we'll have ronnie back he has that he has that episode of um maybe he has some contagion happening right now i don't know uh a little kat winslet from contagion happening but um last chance vomit going on but you guys thank you so much for listening this has been a very long episode we hope that you stuck with us even for those of you who don't even know what the fuck vanderpump rules is trust me you don't need to watch the show just listen to us talk about it um you can find me matt um on twitter at life on the amless you can find ben at b side blog you can also find ronnie despite the fact that he's sick at tv gasm you should definitely follow the fun with us on facebook we are at facebook.com backslash watch what crappins it's a total party please like us join join the conversation and go to audiblepodcast.com backslash or forward slash funny don't go to audible.com go to audiblepodcast.com that's where we get credit for your visit exactly you'll get a free audiobook it'll be a total party and then when you're done with that go to itunes give us a five star rating talk shit about some of the other housewives uh podcasts that are out there and just tell everybody that we're the best um and leave some funny comments i mean you guys make us laugh that is part of the fun it's actually the most fun part for me is what is reading what people post on itunes and on our facebook page it's hilarious you guys are awesome by the way i'm not totally sure that you get a free audiobook at audible with this deal but go look go there and you'll see if bellie don't tell you either get a free one or you don't you'll find that oh okay but we'll get credit if you go there yeah yeah and anyway andy coen's book is only 749 so you know what's that it's fun it's easy it's cheap everyone thank you so much for listening thanks matt thanks matt for being so well prepared because i was a very useless response okay well that means next week i get to drag my ass and do nothing so you can write the notes next i will do the notes okay awesome okay thanks ben thanks everybody for listening and brawny feel better bye that's brawny okay bye bye if you like listening to comedy try watching it on the internet the folks behind the side show network of launch the new youtube channel called wait for it it's got interviews with comedians like regi wats taught glass lies a slice finger slicing drab and friends with it for 10 years one of the funniest people out there and i still have a hard time with the 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