Stallion Booty, Kim the Ghostbuster, and Diamond Chakra Poison
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#57: Stallion Booty, Kim the Ghostbuster, and Diamond Chakra Poison
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Hey everybody, welcome to Watch What Crap is a podcast about all the crap we love to talk about. I'm Ronny Karam from TVGasm. Hello, Ronny. Hi, Ronny. I'm with Ben Mandelker from Visa Blog. Hello, Ben. Hello, hello everyone. I'm just back with the inauguration. I was singing the National Anthem. You may have seen me. Yeah, and you taped it first. You weak ass, be, we ask, be. So awful. Be side on say. We're sadly without life on the M list Matt Whitfield from Yahoo today. He finally starved himself into the hospital. So he's got IVs. We've been sending over blended McDonald's to put in his IVs. I'm so jealous. I didn't know that's what we were sending him. I want that. No, we will be thinner than Matt by the end of this season. Listen, I'm actually happy to hear this because I was a little scared that he had fallen into a ghost portal in Kim's ... Kim Richard's house. With hearts coming out of it. Fucking Kim. Okay, so let's ... we've got so many shows to talk about this week and you guys are kind of complaining that we are not getting to all the shows. So let's do it this week. Let's get them all. Of course, we're going to start with the house horrors because we have to. Of course. I was in Beverly Hills. Yes. Like hilarious as usual. I don't even know where to begin. We can talk about the ghost portal thing. That was like the funniest. Well, I was already excited. When I saw the episode description that a medium visits Kim Richards because she has ghosts in her house, I was already so excited about the episode. I'm like, this can be nothing short of brilliant. And sure enough, I was very happy to learn that she has a portal in her fireplace and she's afraid that ghosts might come tumbling out of it. That's the error. I think it's gonna be like the ghost of Chicken Salad's past. We were mixed incorrectly, Kim Richards. We have your hand prints all over us and now we're dead, Kim Richards. You use vegan eggs and we require mayonnaise. I love her. I wish the psychic was like, it is Mr. Drummond from different strokes sitting on the corner if you're dead, trying to give you advice. Okay. Yeah, I got some somebody sitting on my bed. Hey, his grandkids here. Hey, I got ghosts of grandkids. I'm never leaving the house again. Well, hang out with Kyle. I got my grandkids here. Hey, stop pooping on the floor, grandkids. Crazy kids. Oh my God. Escape from Ghost Mountain. Oh, Kim, Kim, Kim. So she's got hearts coming out of her fireplace. Okay, no one else is disturbed that Kim is seeing things. She's hallucinating hearts coming out of her fireplace. How does anybody think that Kim is on crystal meth? I don't know, but I think your dog might be on crystal meth. I know how ghetto was that with my dog barking? It's okay. I got motorcycles blaring outside my window. We're just sort of like, I feel trashed in Brandy Landville and her like she rental home. It's like raising hope the podcast. You about to be you about to be a ghost in Kim's fireplace. Oh my God. Yeah, you know, poor Kim, you know, that she has to rely on a medium to take care of ghosts and rest. If she if honestly, she were the star of the next Ghostbusters movie, I would be very happy if she was like the gatekeeper. It would all make sense. Yeah, that would be a block by stuff. Came in, came in and Kyle as a goat keeper and I'm a gatekeeper, but they can also be go keepers too. That'd be like a little Irish movie. Kyle would be a goat keeper without it. Kyle would be a goat keeper if she didn't swallow so well, little hoe. You know, Kyle is such an asshole. I'm so sick of watching her stir shit. So we we started this episode back at that Moroccan restaurant. Yes. I haven't but it's close for renovations, I think. But you are the Moroccan food experts. So it's bad. Yeah, that place is terrible. It's not good. And it's all kind of dirty, which I guess is kind of Moroccan, but I don't want my hands, you know, chopped off if I steal a sugar or something off the table. The entire place look like a locker room. Indeed. Yeah, it's like a Moroccan LA fitness. Yeah. Also known as LA fitness. Good point. Is that like a heavily Armenian place? It's become a little bit more Armenian because the LA fitness on El Centro closed down for renovations. So they're all in my LA fitness on La Brea. Oh, no wonder it's so cheap over there. I was looking at gyms, not actually to go to one, but just because I felt like if I ever get like run over something, I want I want my wallet to have a gym card in it. I want people to think that I've made an effort in this life, you know? Yeah, like, oh, he was really just getting into shape and he got killed. That's too bad. He wasn't sitting eating pizza during podcasts. He was having an act of life. It's an act of life that was just lost. Totally. So we start off with Maurizio saying, Oh, you know, I've never been sued in my whole life. But if I was, no, I've never been sued in my whole life. But when I was sued, what you were giving Mauricio the Alexa, the Alexia accent. The housewives of Miami so much. You're like, I was about to give him like an L stuff. Kyle, why you saying plenty? Why you say these things? Why you know, yes, call. I'm afraid. I'm afraid to attempt a Mauricio accent. I used to be good at accents. And now anytime I'm on this podcast, whatever comes out of my mouth sounds so far from anything. It's all like a variation on Chewbacca every time I open my mouth. Brandy, why are you sad? I can't even do it. Can't even do it. This is what happens when we don't have Matt. Someone said if we don't have Matt, we go on tangents about Les Miz. Right now we're in a Chewbacca space. Yeah. That just that just that just sounds like Rosie speaking through a shoebox. Hello, Mr. Denson. So Mauricio is an asshole. And I love that he started trying to turn all charming at the end of it like, Oh, hey, it was nothing personal. It was nothing personal. You know, it's nothing personal, Brandy. You know, you know, it's just, you know, these are just my principles. That's all. And I personally think that your principles are terrible, but it's nothing personal. I care about you and your kids. I care that they're probably going to all be drug addicts and strippers when they grow up. I'm sorry for you. I feel bad for you. I feel bad for you to have to have to exhum your vagina every night before you go to bed. I feel bad that you don't know what a principle even is. I feel bad that you don't know the difference between a principle PLE versus a principle PAL. And I know and I'm not even from this country. And I feel bad for you for that. Yeah, that guy is kind of a dick. I don't like the husbands getting involved in things. I don't I don't like seeing men fight like women. If I wanted that, you know, I'll just go to the Abbey on a Saturday night and watch it unfurl. I don't want to see that on TV. That's true. But it is kind of fun watching Ken get all feisty. He's like, typical man, typical man. I think I just gave him an Irish brogue, but I sort of imagine that he becomes Irish when he fights or what about when Mauricio gives him the bottle of gin to like half ass non apologize. And he's like, I don't like it. All right. Well, we're about to go to dinner. So I'll just leave this here. Oh, I forgot it. I'm sorry, Mauricio. I don't like it. I'm sorry. I can't I can't be I can't be sipping alcohol because I've got to push Lisa on a swing later. I wouldn't want that to be an accident. Again. So I guess that was pretty much all that happened on there. Yolanda is remodeling her ex-husband's house and they have 12 kids amongst her and all her exes. Yolanda is such a you know, I love Yolanda. I know we heard from an unnamed source that she is a big see you next Tuesday, but I don't care. I love her because she lives in a totally different world. I love how she goes. She speaks to this like this poor guy carrying like three tons of marble. She's like, you have to speak English in order to have to do every night before you go to sleep. You have to study your English. That's what you do. It's like, you know, shut the fuck up, Yolanda. This guy's probably got like six children he's got to take care of. The last thing he wants to do is be to be reading English. What I'm at the table and be done with it. Yeah. Every night before I got to bed, when I came to this country, I would study English after sucking an old man's white dick to pay my rent. I would study the English and now I know English like shut up, Yolanda. You made you earned American style on your knees. Everybody knows that you don't even deny it. Like every guy you banged is some rich guy. Shut up. Yeah. And and as far as we can tell, at least one of them has a Jody Foster haircut. Good for Jody Foster for coming out. Mo Ham. That guy is so gross. I think he looks, I think I still think he looks like Chorus Leechman with. Chorus Leechman with a better hair. My nightmare has come to life. It's like, it's like sphere. Remember that book sphere or the movie? It's like your worst manifestations. It's like, I have a fear of Chorus Leechman in a Jody Foster wig. Oh my God, it's Muhammad. I manifested him. Muhammad is one scary ass and I love it. Yolanda acts like she's so classy when she's got 12 children among all of her exes. Like, Mitch, that's about as trashy as you come, you know? Yeah, but that being said, she does dress a hell of a lot better than anyone else. Specifically, I would have to say Taylor, who continued her drunkenness like crazy in this episode. I love her. That was awesome. When Yolanda rolled her eyes at her and Taylor was like, well, how about, how about she walking? And she see David hang from a raptor with a million dollar lawsuit against her. How about that? Love Camille, though. Camille just rolls her eyes and she's like, Taylor, no one wants to hear your story again. That was pretty funny, though. It's like this whole big fight and Brandy excuses herself. And Taylor's like, yeah, I don't want to hear about it. I've been through more than anybody in this room. You try coming in and finding a chandelier made out of your homely exes. Our single girls have to stay together. We don't need a man. We just have to stay together. That was pretty amazing. And everybody's just shoving Taylor off and ignoring her. I love that. Taylor is kind of becoming one of my favorites now because now she's just all she has is just a drunken wreck. Yeah, and that's usually when housewives are at their best, but I think she's pretty much done. I think they're pretty much warning us that she's out of here. Yeah, that's all right. That's all right. She had a good run. She had a good run. She drove someone to suicide. Hey, that's great. Yeah, you caught a bunch of money out of people. You got the homely guy killed and you came out with a book. Congratulations. No one else has done that. Yeah, you're going to have a great life from here on out. I just feel it. So what about Marissa Zannick and her walking like Peppermint Patty? She does walk like a football player, Marissa Zannick. And she's bitching about her hot, rich husband. I know. I can't tell if Marissa is young or old. She keeps going back and forth in terms of how she looks, you know? And like different lighting, she looks like she's like 42 and other lighting. She looks like she's like 28 or so. And her brother is, I definitely sense a little bit of an angel in his jolly thing going on with her and her brother. Yeah, I was going to say they have a little judiche going on there. Something weird is going on right there. Do you like high-respected Teresa right there? Judiche. That was really nice of you. That was really nice. Yeah, there's a little creepiness there. Or maybe she's trying to fix him up with Brandy or something. I don't know what's happening, but I know he doesn't have enough money. I don't know why she's talking about how they don't have any money when she's married to Zannick. I mean, you know who you're married to, right? Yeah, but I guess he doesn't get money from his parents. And he chose to go off and have a passion instead of just make a lot of money. Which, you know, in other worlds would be very respectable. Here it's like, you loser. What the fuck do you think you're doing? Who spends their life on things they love? Get to work. Yeah. I mean, even, even Paris Hilton had to come crawling over to this show, not seeing that, you know, her other stupid shows aren't working. Finally, caught on Bravo, Paris Hilton on the Real House has a Beverly Hills. I knew it wouldn't be long. It's like a fucking snob. Like she's so above everybody there, too. It's like, bitch, these women have better ratings than you've ever had in your life. Okay. Kisses. Yeah. But I also like how Kyle totally contrasts. She's like, oh my God, Paris, I was totally like reading about you on TMZ. It's a shut up, Kyle. Yeah, but Kyle's just kissing her own ass. That's, she always says shit like that. Like, oh, I have to find out about my own family members on TMZ. 'Cause we're so famous. It's like you're famous for being an asshole, Kyle. Okay. Congratulations. Kyle really is an asshole. She's just getting worse and worse. Yeah, Kyle is the worst by far. And, and Jennifer, she's, Paris is closing for Jennifer Lopez. Who has a closing act? Is that like a new thing? I don't think I've ever heard of that. I, I feel bad for whoever bought tickets to that concert. J-Lo and Paris Hilton. She deserves what they get. Not one of them can hit a key. And meanwhile, Kyle is opening up a new boutique. I like this. She's like, well, I was in Boca Raton, and I went to a store that I love. So I'm opening one up here. Like, yes, that sounds like a great idea. Franchise, something from Boca Raton, fashion cap of the world. Yeah, be a fit of me a class. Oh, I love how Faye Resnick starts talking about. She's like, well, you know, Faye Resnick designs has been, has been around for about 18 years. And I have a lot of A-listers, like Nick Lachey and Avril Lavigne, and the guy from Entourage. A lot of A-listers. Soila from I came flipping out. I have-- no, she's like, I've got Angeline. Not Jolie, just Angeline from-- [LAUGHTER] --as a regional celebrity to T. LaRue. Oh, and I love that Paris Hilton has to come back begging for TV time, because the only people who like that bitch for camp value were gay people. And then she got caught saying that all gay people are dying of AIDS. So fuck off, Paris Hilton. Well, Kim Kardashian totally stole her nim wit socialite thunder. So now she's got a head to bravo to rebuild her base. Speaking of, I saw a poster of the new Kardashian season with the entire family, like a big family photo. And I almost barfed that there are that many of them in this world. It made me sick to my stomach. That's just not right. How could there be so much hair in this one family? I'm just-- [LAUGHTER] I want to send a letter to North Korea and just beg them to drop something on us. It's just time to go. It's time to give up America. I think that's a great idea. I think if only to rid the world of the Kardashians, I haven't totally for annihilation of our entire country. Yeah, let's do it! Yeah, the end of the world never felt so good. So what's next? I'm sick of Beverly Hills. Well, we can talk about the Beverly Hills spin-off bandir pump rule. Whoa, horrible. You know who else I hate? Young people. All right, listen, 20-year-olds. Cut the crap, right? We didn't get to act like that when we were 20. We would have been hit over the head with a baseball bat. Who the hell acts like that? Stacey needs to go. She needs to be murdered. Well, she does. And you know what? I just kept on thinking about your comment from last week, which was that there's a difference between being skinny and being hot. And looking at Kristen standing there, like some sad reject from the "Gumbian Pokey" series. I could not help but think of your words because it's so true. And then they were talking about like Stacey-- well, they're models now, all of a sudden. And Stacey's saying like, "Yeah, you know, I got to LA." And then someone's like, "You should model." So that's what I'm doing. I'm modeling. Cut to her and Kristen on a modeling shoot for something called Silk, S-Y-L-K, which for people who are in the fashion industry know that Silk is nothing. It's a boutique in downtown, blocks away from Skid Road. That's what their big modeling shoe was. Oh, I was hoping it was like a doily factory. I was like, "What the fuck?" It's like, look at this girl. Put her iced tea down on the coaster. Wow, Silk. Well, the best is on this modeling shoot. There's this girl named Cassandra or whatever who had slept with Kirsten or Kristen or whatever. Her stupid name is Katie. She slept with her boyfriend, Tom, years ago. And so Kirsten's getting all bitchy. And she's like, "Well, this girl is a so-called," airquote, "model." And I was like, "You know what? You have no right to be putting air quotes around model." Because A, you don't know what air quotes are. And B, you realize you're modeling for a podunk shop. Here's Skid Road. You realize this, right? You know, this girl who used to work at Hooters, that was actually a step up. She came down to you. She didn't come up to you. Totally agree. That whole thing is ridiculous. And by the way, is it Kristen? That's her name, right? I can't remember. It's like Kristen and Kristen. And there's like a whole color horse face. She's got a horse face. So listen, horse face. You should be glad that someone you met that boned your boyfriend isn't a man. He shaves his face. He wears makeup and he steals all your hairspray. Okay, you're looking that guy wasn't sucking dictane. 10 years ago. Just be glad that he was into vaginas back then, okay? Who said he wasn't? We didn't see what was under Cassandra's skirt. That's true. She did have a she, she, she vibe about her, for sure. She did have a little bit of like a Thai town lady boy vibe about her. But this episode was actually good because we actually saw some legit tears from Stasi because her whole world was crushed when she found out that Jackson got somebody pregnant in Vegas two months ago. Okay, so she's dating this bartender at work that we've never seen Frank, right? Yeah, Frank is like a new, yeah. So she's boning this guy. She's denying that she was cheating with him. Do you think she was cheating with him before she dumped Jackson? I think so. Of course she was because it's been four days. It's been all of four days since they broke up. Yeah, and she looked really guilty when she was asked about it. Yeah, and she of course started dating him to get Jackson on mad, which is what he does. He gets mad. He runs over to her in a separate club. It's like, I'll change everything for you, babe. I'll do it all. I'll be a grown man. I love how she's complained to him like, you're just a model and like a bartender. Get a real job. Hey, Stasi, what the fuck do you think you are? You're a quote unquote model and a waitress. How is that a real job? Well, she's because she's 10 years younger. So she's like, well, I'm young, and I'm from a very classy school in New Orleans, which by the way, bitch, New Orleans is not classy. New Orleans may be great. Everybody knows New Orleans is great. It's a great town. I'm not taking anything away from it, but it's not known as the classiest place in the world. OK, so you can offer a high horse. She did not go to Lawrenceville. She did not go to Andover or Exeter. She went to like, mama crawfish at school for ladies, you know? Yeah, they didn't let men in because the men there raped the people in school. OK, stop bragging about that. She literally went to school in the middle of a bog. Let's be honest. It was in a FEMA shelter. [LAUGHTER] She's like, listen, listen, Sassy, just because you're in a trailer with three other girls doesn't mean you went to a woman's school. She's such an-- yeah. And she is the one who made this stupid, like, horse face. Get all mad because horse face is like, is it funny? This girl, like, this, Tom used to live with this girl. And Sassy's like, oh, they probably had sex. And Kirsten's like, oh, oh, oh. And then, like, Sassy's like, I would be mad if I were used. And Kirsten's like, oh, oh, I am mad. And then Sassy's like, hey, did you have-- did you fuck Tom? And I goes like, well, it was like a long time ago. And Kirsten's like, this is really upsetting me. That's like my bed. This is like my bed. And then she goes up to Tom in the bar. You know, and these people are all idiots for like drinking and socializing and like putting their dick into every drink. So she's like, you know, I found out that like, you had sex with a girl before me. He's like, babe, babe, of course I did. She's such a fucking idiot. Like, what was she supposed to expect? I'm so mad at you. And then I love though later when this accusation comes out that Jack's impregnated a girl, which I totally believe. Totally, I totally believe that too. I'm Team Frank. So I totally believe I did this. So I love how like, it's like the next day and the music's dramatic. And there's like a prayer circle of vapid idiots. I love that she calls everybody from where even the busboy was there, laying on the couch. They're like, the busser is here. I'm like, hello, does anybody need some more water? Some more bread? Like, what the fuck are you doing here? I'm surprised they're ballet staff, wasn't they? Like, a 40 year old guy, like seeing their crying, like rubbing her shoulder. Oh, it's not fair, Missy's. It's not fair. I felt like this when I was accused of scratching back car. I didn't scratch me. I, I grew, you know, one time Jax, Jax, he took, he took the change from the ashtray and he said, I took it. He's no good, Missy's, no good. Listen, if you get back together with Jax, have a little diagram of his body and circle the parts that are messed up. So if he sheets, you can look at the diagram and know if you did it or somebody else did it. It's when there's no lawsuit. Listen, Jax is not responsible for baby because the woman, she forgot her ticket. He's not responsible. If she had no ticket, there's no way for him to know which baby is. Anyway, if she had an abortion, it doesn't count, right? It's not like there's a baby out there that she's going to have to pull her tips with. Yeah, I agree. So I totally believe that he knocked his bitch up in, in, uh, in Vegas. And I believe that she called and I believe that he is dumb enough to have his Bluetooth answer on his speaker phone in his car while someone else is driving. You'd be like, hey, baby. And she's like, okay, don't worry about it. I got an abortion. He's like, okay, thanks for calling. Have a good one. Meanwhile, you, another testament to his idiocy is that he's, he's like a model bartender who hardly has like five dollars to have a proper sweater that doesn't have gaping holes in its sleeves. And yet he has like bottle upon bottle upon bottle of Cristal, like lying around. You know, he stole from work. Oh, yeah. That's another thing. Like anybody actually believe that he went and bought Cristal? No, he's told that shit from work. And I hope that Lisa's little French manager chick is doing inventory during this episode. I love that bad, that chick. Like she seems so stymied by the simplest thing. She's like, oh, no, Zootaloo, someone to put that, someone crossed out her name. I cannot do this. Is he sitting there? Oh, they are changing their shifts. Everything is so different now. Blep was small. Blep was small. I love that. Blep was small. Blep was small. Oh, I love, I love, I love, I love Stasi being like, I'm sorry. I just, I just can't be, I can't be passing around crispy chickens today. I just can't. I'm telling you, when bad things happen, I do not want to be passing around crispy chickens either. Well, here's a question for you and the audience. Do you want skianching, shing, shong, shong, she asked. She's not from Bizzouza. Do you guys want her on the podcast? Because she has said that she will come on. Oh, abs are freaking lutely. I actually, I like her the most. I feel like I would be totally fake, because I would have to like kind of be mean to her, right? Um, you did see that brandy talk to her, right? Like, oh, that's true. She does not handle this shit. Oh, I totally have she none. To be fair, I mean, she is the best of all these bitches on here. Either she is a little vapid, and she doesn't have much of a singing career, and has a tacky tattoo from Bizzouza. But I think that she is the nicest, and I would love to talk smack about the other girls with Shina. Okay, well, let's get her on, man. Hey, how are we going to get her on? Did she reach out to you? She knows a friend who asked her for us. Oh, cool. Yeah. Yeah, we should definitely have her on. Okay, cool. So we'll get her. Is there anything else from this show that you want to talk about? I just want to say this is dragging Lisa down, Vanderpump down immensely. And I love how she's like when, at one point, horse faces like crying, and she's like, ah, duh, duh, duh, duh, time for this. This is a customer time time, but I don't have time for this. Cut to the next day later, Lisa saddles up to time, but like, so I saw you and your little lady about having a fight, bro. Well, I think Lisa is actually looking really good on this show, because I love the way that she problem solves. She's like, oh, Stassi's calling into work, then replace her for a week with Sheena. So never miss work again. That is like the best management I've seen in a long ass time, Lisa. Nice work, because you know that's going to work. Of course, it's also going to get Sheena's throat slit in the middle of the night. Yeah, well, you know, one doesn't get through a New Orleans boarding school without learning how to step these throats. Literally. Yeah, that girl is absolutely horrid. She's a horrible fucking human being, man. I just hope that this show piles it on her. Yeah, and she's fat ready. I've said it since the first episode. She's fat ready, and we know she's fat ready, because we saw what she looked like as a 14-year-old girl on Amazing Race Family edition. I love that term fat ready. That's really funny. She is holding that shit in. She should be happy. She did not get impregnated, because once she gets that baby fat, it is not going away. Yep, enjoy your life in Van Nuys with your fucking thighs, girl. We'll see you there. Yeah, we will never be served at Sir again. Oh, they're not going to recognize this. Yeah, someone left me a comment today that said, "If you ever go to LA, hide your face." I'm like, you know how close I've been to these bitches? Nobody knows who the hell I am. They're not going to sit there and listen to a whole podcast. They're not all Jill Zarin. Oh, hi, Jill Zarin. Are you listening right now? Good. Shut up! Shut up! Shut your face, Jill Zarin. I can still hear you. Jill Zarin, that goes in my brain. We should get Leah Black on here again, by the way, just for fun. We should make Leah Black watch every show that we watch every week and then come on and talk shit about all the people. Yeah, heck, we'll just watch any show with her. If she wants to watch, like, the NewsHour on PBS, sure, look good. Hell yeah, the view. We'll do it. How fun is that? Kind of ants! There we go! Our town! So, why don't we, why don't we move on to a pallet cleanser, literally, before we move on to our other hideous people? Let's talk about Top Chef and-- Oh, my God! Top Chef has been so good this year. So, so good. I love it. I love it. Oh, wait, one quick thing. It's a Top Chef adjacent today, Tuesday. So, the taste is premiering tonight. And that-- Oh, I need to get my timer set. Excuse me. Yeah, I got to do that, too. And one of the judges on it is Brian Malarkey from, I think, season three, or season four of Top Chef. And from the promos, I'm going to say this. He has had some crazy plastic surgery. Have you noticed that? No, you know what? All I can see in those promos is my sweet, lovely baby, Nijella. Oh, I love so much. But I did have to stop taping her show because all she makes is sausage. I'm like, bitch, really? You're going to make us-- And then she'd choose it like it's the sexiest thing. It's like, we get it, you're a slut, and you think it's a penis. Like, you're so subtle, Nijella. But really, I don't make sausage. Make something else, maybe for like her favorite dishes. I'm going to make poutinesca. Oh, we get it because it's a whore dish. Come on, Nijella. Can I tell-- Okay, can I be really tangential right now? One time I was at a restaurant with my family, and my dad ordered the poutinesca. And then afterwards, when we're leaving the restaurant, the host, who is not our waiter, but the host, was like, so how's your meal? And my dad, I think he's being hilarious, goes, it was fit for a whore. And we're all like, what? The host, like, I'm sorry, what? I mean, I was like, you know, poutinesca. I had the poutinesca. I'm like, dad, he wasn't even our waiter. He doesn't know what our order was. And why would you just make hideous pun right now? This is my world, I like it. I like that a lot. I like your dad. I like it already. Yeah. But anyway, speaking of restaurants, restaurant wars, big controversy, because Kristen, whoever was begging to make it into the finals, went home. Well, that was just not, that was not okay. That was not okay, what happened. I mean, yes, she was the boss, but she did a really good job as the boss, except that she got stuck with fucking Josie, who didn't listen to a thing she said. And really, the only reason that she got kicked off was because at the very end, she didn't stand up for herself. Josie was blaming her for everything, and she just stood there to look more professional. Shocking. And you know what, there's this whole like, bullshit, like, that comes with being like a chef. That's like, oh, well, you know, the buck ends with me. And like, there's all this like pride. It's like, it's like being an athlete or something like that. And you know, those are good things to have. It's important to have accountability and responsibility. But when you got $100,000 on the line and like some, you know, and a nice like bragging rights, shit, throw Josie under the bus. I mean, well, and not only that, but in real life, you could fire Josie. If that was real life, she could have said, Josie is out of here. I'm not working with her. She's a fucking idiot. It can be the dishwasher and I'll work with him. But it's not real life. She has to do it on the show. So I think it's different. Like, I don't think that she has to have that sense of pride of ownership. Like, you know, the reason that she left the sauce, she got in trouble if you haven't watched it, everybody. She got in trouble because there wasn't enough sauce on the plate. Like it came down to that. And Josie was saying, well, she's, you know, she told me how much the sauce is played, which was true, but the plate didn't have gelatin, which it needed gelatin. She left the gelatin off because Josie wasn't finished in time and they didn't have the time for the gelatin to set within the dish. So it was really, really gross that she just stood back to it. One gets the sense that if Josie were doing things properly, the timing would have worked out and things would have been sauced properly and there would have been enough sauce and would have been the gelatin. And, you know, stupid to Kristin, she should have defended herself because who's going to, like, no one would have blamed her in this situation. No one would have been like, oh, well, that's weak, that she's blaming her, you know, her underling. It's just, it's some, it's some of the bullshit that comes with Top Chef. I have to say, Top Chef contestants take themselves very, very seriously and they just need to take a chill pill. And just remember, this is a game and throw someone like Josie into the bus because Josie's been sucky all season long. And she auditioned for American Idol. By the way, we didn't talk about that. But on American Idol last week, on the season premiere, they were like, look at all, you know, we've had millions of people audition and they showed, like, a montage of clips and one of them was of Josie. Oh, my God. Yep. Well, it kind of explains why she can't cook. She's just a girl who wants to be on TV. I mean, you know, she is a health food chef. Oh, is that her thing? Oh, I thought her thing was like, I or, oh, God. No, she said when they had to make something healthy for Healthy Choice, she was like, oh, well, you know, I'm a healthy chef, that's what I do. I'm like, I make healthy food for people because I really believe in eating healthy. It's like, bitch, you have doubled in size since you were on it. Yeah, I was like, I was like, you know, ding dongs aren't healthy choices, right? Exactly. You know, you single-handedly kept host to some business. I know. Until you took a break to go on top, Jeff. Yeah, you're like, oh, well, Arcos. Oh, well, no one's my heart. For some reason, suddenly it dropped off. I don't know what happened. I guess we'll have to close. Call the unions. Oh, well, so, you know, we had, we had a standing order for Chocodiles with you, but I guess, I guess you don't want them anymore. Well, technically it's up shop. Chocodiles, oh, yeah, friend. Love Chocodiles. And you know what, they're pretty awesome. Have you ever had a Choco Taco? I had, uh, Jesus, Holy Jesus. I believed in Jesus when I first had one of those. I was like, oh my God, everything I learned is a baby is true. And Jesus died to give us Choco Tacos. Thank you, Jesus. You know what's kind of funny? Josie kind of is like the weird hybrid of a Chocodile and a Chocotaco. She has a taco. Her face looks like a Chocodile. She's like, uh, I think she looks like that. Have you ever seen that really famous picture of the obese Japanese kid, uh, chain smoking or that video? And I normally kind of feel bad for her because everybody always beats her up. And she just, she just seems like one of those people that just can't win. You know, I mean, well, she's never going to win this show, but I mean in life in general, like anything like she can't, that bitch can't win a monopoly. You know, she can't win at a slot machine. She can't win at like Blackjack. Anything is like chance. She'll just never win, but I don't feel bad for her now. Yeah, I agree. I always felt like, you know, Josie, she's just sort of like goofy, literally. And you know, she's, she has that like sort of like a sweet smile. And she's just trying really hard. You probably got made fun of a lot as a kid. But then when this bullshit happened with the restaurant wars, uh, uh, no. You know, after her season, after her original season, she was gay-bashed. She was in a group of girls and she got up on the street and she said that she was gay-bashed. And I remember thinking then, "Bitch, you were Josie-bashed. I don't even think that had anything to do with Dykdom. I think that had to do with you being an idiot on top chef." You know, it's like when Marcel got a bottle broken over his head to the bar. Yeah, exactly. You know, Josie sort of reminds me of, and I'm not saying this because she's overweight, but she reminds me of those like cartoon, like Disney hippos that wear tutus, you know? Who could totally be thin? They could totally be thin. They're thin for hippos. Let me tell you the best part of this. I actually went and watched top chef kitchen or last chance kitchen for the first time ever. You did? You ever watched it? Have you ever seen before? I do watch. I usually start- I actually like last chance kitchen and I don't watch it every week, but usually if I'm fired up after an episode, I immediately go watch it and like- Well, it was amazing. Well, first of all, it's totally rigged because the only judge is Tom. So Tom can just do whatever he wants. I mean, not that the show's not rigged anyway. But CJ is such an arrogant asshole. I hate CJ. He's so arrogant. It's like, why are you so arrogant? Like, where is your success list? I want to see it because you were lamin' your season and you were really lamin'. I mean, what did he get sent home for? Hamburger? I mean, come on now. Oh my god, that's a little bit mad about that. That he dragged down that other guy who- The other guy wasn't great, but the fact that he dragged down that other guy with that stupid pickle burger. Oh my god. Oh, he's such a snob and his Connecticut voice. Everything about him, he's just such a snob. It was so nice to see his ass handed to him on a plaid by Kristin, who made the exact same dish that she had just made. Yeah, and on top of that, you could tell that her dish probably wasn't that good, but Tom was like, yeah, you got screwed, so we're going to keep you. Yeah. Yeah, I think so too, because, well, you never know on this show because we can't taste it, but- You know, but he, well, Tom was like, with CJ, he's like, this is good. Like, some of the season name was a little off, but Kristin, he's like, you know, I don't know. There's like a lot of saffron and it might be a heavy hand. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You win, you win. Yeah, yeah, it was pretty obvious, but I'm so glad. I really hope that she comes back and just wins the whole thing now. I think she actually does stand a chance. Yeah, I do too, because if she gets to the end, she's going to have to fight a lot of people to get to the end, right? There's still a lot of people, aren't there? But like, who would be her competition? Surely not the stupid guy who can't cook pork. There'll be, oh, you know, the Hawaiian guy who won this past week, he's good, but he's been coming on strongly, but I think he's not. I don't think he has what it takes. I think he's actually got a really good chance of winning. I'm kind of voting for him for the win, although I don't know that anybody really wants to eat Filipino food. Sorry, dude. No one wants that. I would have eaten that Filipino food. It looked amazing. Yeah, but you're a foodie, you know. I mean, he's going to have to come up with something that appeals to a wider audience. Well, like, he doesn't have to. I mean, he could just have a small Filipino place, but I don't know. I'm so confused. All I know is I'm still on my New Year's diet. I'm fucking starving, and I'm still watching this show. And every time I watch it, I just get so emotional. I'm so hungry. I know. I had a salad today for lunch, and I had a salad yesterday for lunch. And you know what happened? I have fingernails. Last night, I had, I mean, I had a salad yesterday for lunch, and I ate healthy for dinner. And then at 10 p.m., I got a craving for chocolate ice cream that was so intense. I had to actually go out, drive to my local ice cream parlor, conveniently around the corner, get a scoop, and come back. Oh, because you live by lofty melons. Yeah. Oh, you bastard. Actually, I'm so glad that I don't live right there. That would be so dangerous for me. It was, I actually never do that, but it was so worth it. Anyway, shall we move on to. Ice cream, yes, let's talk more about ice cream. What kind of flavor is did they have? Oh, you don't, you don't want to go down this, because I sample a lot. If you want me to do this, I remember that too. When I went to frozen yogurt with you, you're a big sampler. You're like, I'll take 18 little cups. Thank you. I forgot about that. That's when we went to yogurt land. Yeah, oh, memories. I'm holding empathy right now over Skype. So speaking of things that are chocolate, I'm saying is not because we're talking about the women of real life. Ooh, girl. But because they went to a place called Choco. Now, Kenya is a Choco Taco. I think she's just in oversized. I'm trying to think of what's in the hostess line. I know of her size cupcake, that's almost too kind because I actually like cupcakes. Well, there were some boring ass moments, of course, because it's real house size of Atlanta. But man, there were some great moments in this episode. Oh my god, there were, I can't remember them, but I know that they were. My fave was faitra getting a call from candy from the beauty shop after she heard all the tea. Oh, yes. Yes, this is my favorite moment of the entire episode. And her just going off. That was the funniest thing. Oh, she got a six flag American scream machine. Girl. Yeah. Her, I was saying like a stallion. She'd like a six flag scream machine booty. That was, I thought that was one of the most amazing things that's ever emerged from this franchise. That was like, I mean, it doesn't even make sense. A six flag scream machine booty, but it does make perfect sense at the same time. That was absolutely brilliant. And I'm glad that faitra was the first person of all these idiots to finally confront Kenya and say, you know, a stallion is for a man. If you're doing a work, if you're doing a video called the stallion workout, it sounds like it's for men who want to be big and buff, not for women who want some but dung-dung-dung in their Charunk. Yo, yeah. That was that whole thing was pretty amazing. I also, I was gonna say my other favorite part of the episode was right in the beginning. They're at one of these hair shows. And Cynthia is like, you know, a hair show. It's like, it's like New York Fashion Week, except for hair. I'm like, no, I don't think it's like New York Fashion Week because I don't see anything that appears anywhere in the realm of classiness or style or fashion. No, this is like fantastic Sam's convention. This is not New York Fashion Week. And I love how the winner, the big winner, gets a thousand dollars. You get more for losing on real fortune. It costs more to print that giant check at Kinko's than the prize money. I know. But that can buy you a lot of real estate in Atlanta. Like a thousand dollars. I'm taking hope for Kim and Croix's old mansion. I kind of like that they included the gays, you know, but really Lawrence. He is sick and it's uncomfortable. Yeah, and he, he, he is like a bad for him. Yeah, it's, it's a strange, like weird, tranny, something or another. And he's got some strange things going on with his neck too. I don't know. No, that's what I mean. Like he's literally sick. He's got. Ryan Reynolds here for Mint Mobile. With the price of just about everything going up during inflation, we thought we'd bring our prices down. So to help us, we brought in a reverse auctioneer, which is apparently a thing. Mint Mobile Unlimited Premium Wireless. Have it to get 30, 30, 30, but to get 20, 20, 20, but to get 20, 20, 20, but to get 15, 15, 15, just 15 bucks a month. So give it a try at mintmobile.com/switch. $45 up from payment equivalent to $15 per month. New customers on first three month plan only. Taxes and fees extra. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes. Easy detail. Now trending? Fall. And DSW is here with all the obsession where these shoe trends you need in your closet. Feeling fierce? DSW's got bold snake-print boots and a retro sneaker with animal print details. Going for demure? Kitten heels are the eye-catching yet walkable heel all over your feet. And all over DSW. From edgy motor boots to sweetly simple ballet flats, find the must-own shoe trends of the season right now at your DSW store or DSW.com. The dreaded A. He's got some because those glands on his neck. Yeah, I noticed that too. It makes me sad. I don't want them to have that. Although it is the best diet ever. Well, I mean, what are you thinking that it might be? I'm thinking it's probably the big A because that's what you get. You get those swollen glands. That's like the first sign. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I mean, that's horrible to even talk about on a podcast. I'm sorry if I brought that up. You know, it's just the school I think it makes me so sad because I like him. Oh, that's crazy. I had no idea. I was like, wow, his glands are like... I was like, you must have a salivary infection. But, you know, it's funny. I'm such an idiot when you said the big A. I'm like, no, Ronnie. It starts with C. I'm like, why is he choosing the second letter on cancer? You're a homosexual now, Ben. All right. You've been a homosexual, Ben. I am. I'm not gay. No, I'm like, totally masked. I just, you know, I just like talking about these shows with my bros. And saving my forehead. You know, banging the lady boy five years ago in my apartment. I don't have a whole lot to say about Atlanta because I don't know what it is about Atlanta. I just enjoy it so much that I don't have a lot of trash to talk about it. But I do love that Kenya is getting crazier by the second. Crazier, crazier, crazier. I loved candy. The entire phone call, like you mentioned before, when Candy called up Phaedra, when Candy and Phaedra gossip, I think it's the funniest thing. He said, what? What? Well, you got to give me the call. I'm going to call Raleigh. Raleigh. When you're making a, when you're making an exercise, I got to call Raleigh. Make sure she likes it because I don't want Raleigh to not like the exercise. I love that Candy's like, I don't want to get in the middle, but I'm going to call Phaedra. I got to call Phaedra because, uh, there's a stallion video, and, uh, and a donkey video. That doesn't sound right, right, Raleigh. Where's Raleigh at? You're getting really good at that. That's because I could only say one word in her accent. It's Riley. That's why I say it every sentence. I'm like, right, Raleigh, Raleigh. See what I don't, what I don't understand is why I wasn't Raleigh in the fashion show. Oh, and by the way, I love how Cynthia's first big event is with like toddlers walking down a runway and she's like, they better not mess up. They represent the, the Bailey agency right now. Yeah, and she just got, she said she got like 75% of them off Craigslist. Like, how was that representing them? Yeah, you dumb bitch. She's just standing there taking donations at the door. Well, actually, I'm sure her classy husband is standing at the door just taking cash cutting half of it. Um, what did the, um, did, uh, what's been there? What did you guys think? Or she just showed up and was like, well, see that fage or not? Now that you don't like Kenya, we can be friends. We can hang out two hundred sixty five days of the year. How come when, when, when Kenya was coming at me, she was okay with you. But then she came with you and now it's not okay. You see, you need to realize that Kenya crazy. Okay. That entire, but first of all, I have to give a shout out to Portia Stylist, who seems to have put her in like a weird dress that's made of red construction paper for her interviews. I don't know if you noticed that. It's like, it's not even cloth. It's just like some red, like structured item that's in front of her, her chest. But also there's, when she, I think she and Phaedra had got coffee and I was just cracking up because everyone in that coffee shop has been like, "Who the fuck are these women?" It was all like white hipsters and then like Portia and Phaedra. They could just be, you could just see them being like, "This is disrupting my iPad time." Yeah. I'm totally face-booking right now. Please get these women out of here. Yeah. You need to be nicer than me in the future. Yeah. And what, I like that Mimi just has such unabashed hatred for Phaedra. Like she just hates her guts and I don't, I've never really understood why she hates her so much. Yeah, it goes back a while now. I know, but nothing really ever happened, did it? She's just always hated her because Phaedra said that they knew each other when they were young and Mimi denies it and Mimi just calls her a liar about every little, she just hates her guts. Does anything actually ever happen between them? I don't know. Phaedra probably ate one of her french fries. It is like, "How you gonna eat my french fries?" Phaedra's like, "Well, the way I see it, you want 10% of this french fries." Does there are any of it? I love that Mimi has such a grasp on English language. Great! We need to put it in this, cribbed it in, together it in. 'Cause this shit gotta work, did correctly it. It's like, "Oh, bitch, really? Come on now." Who's gonna put together this crib? I'm just gonna hold this. Oh, see, you got all these, all these instructions. Oh, I'm just gonna go over here and hurt my back a little bit. I don't know, I made 'em sound like a-- Oh, that baby is gonna die in a crib collapse. Are you talking about Breasia? Breasia, wow. She's the combination of two of my favorite things, Asia and Breeches. Breasia. She's like the stinkiest part of Asia. All right, let's move on, I'm done with these bitches. Let's move on to Shah's of sunset. So, by the way, I'd like to announce that my building and Matt's building were prominently featured in this week's episode. Yes, they were, I saw the outside of your building this week. Weren't they talking right outside of it? They sat down, they didn't they? No, let me, no, I can give you a full tour. The conversation started, MJ and Gigi got out of her building, and then they started talking outside the entrance of my building, and then they were walking, and then they stopped at Hollywood and Fuller. I just outed my street and then they crossed the street, and then they sat down and they had a talk outside of the vantage apartments, which is where Ashley from Real House has New Jersey lives. And then they walked up further, and not only did they walk by Matt's building, but we saw his actual balcony. So, pretty exciting. Wow, we feel like a star, I feel like a star. Yeah, because that's like the classiest cast ever to pass in front of your building. How is furious? How did these, how were these bitches walking around with a camera crew in front of me? In front of my building, I don't even see them. Where was I? You're probably inside watching the shots of Sensei. I know. So, this episode was, I really enjoyed this episode for nothing else, other than watching Asa and an industrial facility, blessing a giant vat of water. Oh, Jesus, that thing at the, at the diamond cellar was hilarious. She's like, okay, I can feel the diamond. So, I just need to see your best diamond. Oh, this feels amazing. This is the one hand in from my chakra and my forehead, all the way down to my arm chakra. This is, this is the one. Well, it costs $320,000. Here's one that's for $60,000. Oh, this is the one. Oh, this is the one. Oh, this feels so good. The back of my arm fat is tingling right now. Okay, so my hand in like a big bowl of Persian saffron rice feels great. Did you see the video that Brittany posted on our Facebook page? By the way, everybody, go to our Facebook page and post it, because it's hilarious and we love going there to read it. You know, I, I didn't get a chance to look at it, but I think I may have seen that video before. Is that like her music video? Or she's like, gold, gold, gold, gold. Yes, her songs, she's like, gold. And it's just Asa standing in front of a home video camera. Yeah. Terribly dancing with like, you know, those disco lights, you can buy it, Spencer gifts. Know them, it's what I decorated with. I've got it all right now. So she was basically in your apartment up against the wall. Yeah, I don't raise it. Raising comes in with no shirt on and just like stands there all pudgy and shirtless. And it's just that whole video needs to just stop it. Please, please stop it. There's so many things. I mean, Asa, I go back and forth there. I actually feel like she's genuinely a nice and good person, probably, but she does so many ridiculous asshole things. I mean, Asa, her in that factory, the water factory, this like towering 60 foot thing of like water. And there's one tiny little diamond in it. And she's up there and she's not just like, she puts on a little carpet and she's not just praying on the carpet. She gets up on this vat, this industrial vat. And as her hands on it, as if she's had some weird prom date with it, you know, like they're having some dance. It was one of the strangest and most hilarious visuals I've seen. I don't believe that she's a nice person because I don't trust anybody like that. I mean, living in LA, I've just learned that people like that are full of shit and they will stab you in the back the first second they get. Nobody who acts that constantly nice is actually nice. They're all assholes. Well, I mean, she has been an asshole, but I don't know. I just like the way that she treated, she interacted with the older people. I think that was nice. But yeah, this episode, I'm trying to think so. The big thing was that Reza took MJ and Mike. And Mike, who I think said he wants to pose for Playgirl. I got something I got a press release from VH1 of all places. I guess Mike was on one of their shows and says and the press release was like, Mike talks about how he wants to pose for Playgirl. So I don't know if they were just making a joke or taking something he said out of context. But we'll go forth. I say he has a big one. Oh, yeah, that's true. I forgot about that because I'm like, you know, he sort of has a blocky body. He's sort of like looking at like a Lego man posing nude. But anyway, so Reza brought Mike and MJ and Asa to Great Neck, New York, which is where my grandmother used to live before she died. And she brought them to Russia, Shana. So I mentioned that, by the way, only to show how connected I am to this episode. The scene is filmed in my grandma's town, film scene in from my building. I feel Persian at this point. Um, but it was, uh, I don't know. It was like a night. Oh, it was nice. I don't know what else to say. It was a nice moment. They went home from Russia, Shana. My grandma doesn't love me and I have to forgive my father because if I didn't forgive him, I would kill myself. Reza, Reza, with the muppet crime. That's like so Persian to forgive your father because like you have to forgive your father if you want to move on. Like homegirl had like a rumor that was said against her and then she had to leave everyone's lives. Like that's so Persian to have a rumor. Why people are like, I'm not going to say anything because I don't want to set a rumor. But Persian people are like, oh, here's a rumor homegirl. Here's a rumor homegirl. Everybody's going to believe it and you're going to have to leave your entire family behind. And then I'm going to keep calling my father to apologize to me over and over again so I can keep getting free dinner. I want to get free dinner at turquoise in Great Neck. It was such a good meal. My dad really liked his jumbo shrimp. Of course, okay, this is what I took away from that scene. Reza talks like a muppet. The dad is nice and he's lucky to have a dad like that and he means his top is fucking victimy, whiny hood and the waiter was really hot. Waiter was hot. You know, they have some hot guys on the island. They're all douchebags but they're not, they're hot. Yeah, he was hot. Well, I think maybe the douchebaggyness might be a little lower because he's like a waiter in a Persian restaurant. How much could you possibly make? Yeah, that's true. So they went to, they went to dinner and the big thing was like, how is Reza's evil grandmother going to treat him? And surprise, surprise. She was like, right, even with her like hairy mole on her chin. She was like, hey, come here. I die for you. I do everything for you, Reza. Now why do I have a drink? Now she's the guy from Real Housewives of Miami. I know. We can't help but go to Miami. Miami fucking fuck. You're going to have a drink, mom. Grandma, you speak Hebrew? Why not? That's the wrong that I speak Hebrew. That grandma was cute and she looks really good for being 91 but somebody needs to shave her face. Somebody needs to shave her mole and give her a bra because her boobs were sitting on her lap. Yeah, come on, you guys. You're going to wipe her ass. Shaver too. Don't just stop there. Do the full, do the full thing. We are officially the caddiest podcast like this old lady. Her boobs are sagging. What's wrong with that? That was actually nice moment. She was drinking vodka tonics. It was actually, you know, I was happy for Reza. I thought that was actually a genuinely like nice, sweet moment. I also enjoyed when Mike brought his Ditzy girlfriend over to Shabbat dinner with his mom and she was like, yeah, like we met and like he came over and like we talked and it was like really good and I'm going to go into nursing school and the mom's like, ah, very nice. I'm going to school. Oh, okay, very nice. That seems like the most boring family to be a part of. Nobody had anything to say about anything. I know, I was sort of surprised that the mom's name is Sue. She's like, hi, hello, I'm Sue. Well, yeah, because it's probably short for like sullan charin caddon, caddon, caddon. I know. Oh, then Lily, Lily went on a date. Lily's like, I'm going on a date tonight because I don't know where I stand with my ex. So I'm going to go on a date and I think it's going to be really fun. I'm going to talk about my ex the entire time. Oh my God, that was so funny. Yeah, well, my ex like to eat that too. And he like to use his fork like you do. And he like tables. He like to go to restaurants just like you. Do you like to read? So let's call you ex. Well, you know, you know, it'll be really fun. Why don't we call my ex like right now? Like, like, I think, why don't we call him and tell him how much we love him and miss him. Come on. Come on, how do you love him too? I know you do. You know, I think it's rude when you look at your phones or your dinner. I try not to do that. Yeah, well, maybe I could talk about my ex for every 10 minutes. That was great. That girl's a damn fool. And when is that guy, her ex? I thought she was still in some kind of long distance relationship with him. And he's promising to. Well, we're always we're like, I like on again off again. I don't know if he's like my ex or my husband or like my friend. But like, I love him, but I don't know where I stand with him. And so I'm just going to pretend like I'm coconut and run around in circles. So I tell me pretend I'm coconut. That girl, you know, I just always want to hug girls like that because they try so hard. It's like, you don't eat anything. You get like boobs that are so giant. You're going to have multiple sclerosis or osteoporosis by the time you're bored. I'm asking her boobs. Oh my God, sorry, osteoporosis by the time you're 40. You know, it's like you go to so much trouble to look like a hoe. And then you wonder why everybody treats you like a hoe. It's because you look like a damn hoe. How about you get some normal sized boobs, some normal hair, and a job that's not selling fucking bikinis later. Well, how about this? If you're going to put in like $100,000 to shaving your jawline down and losing your nose and putting like watermelons in your boobs, why are you sticking with the same doofus guy who you know looks like, what's this like, I don't know, some fat like, like Cheech and Chong guy, like, you know, why not like if you're going to try and make yourself look hot, why don't you try to go up for someone hot like Omid? Oh my God, haven't you ever dated a hot guy? They're horrible. No, no, so you need to stay away from hot people. There's a reason, okay. You should go for a rich guy, a rich guy in LA. How about that? Yes, a rich guy. Yes, but they're not generally hot. She should go for Mohammed. Let's see how you'll learn it like that. Exactly, exactly. Except Mohammed doesn't get married anymore. He just bings 20 year olds and then dumps them. He's learned his lesson. He's taking care of 12 kids now. He's learned. Well, what you have to do is learn English before you sleep with Mohammed. Yeah, if you can't learn English, then you can't tell Mohammed when you don't want it up the cabooses tonight. Oh my God, I can't wait to go eat like squidting spaghetti with Mohammed. He's gonna be a great day. I am so excited for it. Mohammed, Mohammed told me where the secret room in his house was. And then he closed the wall and I couldn't find my way out. And then he put like alkana in a different room and coconut ran in circles until she threw up. And Mohammed used the puke in his hair to make it soft. The only way I found my way out was because I heard coconut bumping up against the wall because she was running in circles. Thank you, coconut. Thanks, coconut. And then coconut on our tracks. But we found a trail of roses that Yolanda had left. So we followed the paddles and we wound up with David Foster. And then he sold us to one of his A-wrap friends. And here I am in Pakistan with a little missing hand. He said he wouldn't have sold me, but I tried to sing when he was playing piano. And I guess that's frowned upon. He kept coconut though. Oh, I love that arrogant ass David Foster. I just love him. He's just such an asshole. And one of my favorite things is he probably doesn't have any idea of what an asshole he is until now. Because you know everybody is going off on his ass on the internets. Thank you, internet, for being such a negative vortex. I know. It's like, it's like, it almost as if it exists in Kimberly Church's home. Except without the hearts flying out of the fireplace. No, I was watching the episode with Lisa Timmons last night. And she was laughing about how the psychic told the Kimberly Church was like, she's like, a pardle. What's that? And the psych is like, oh, you know, a vortex. As if like, if Kim Richards doesn't know what a portal is, she sure as hell is not going to know what a vortex is. Yeah, poor Kim. Kim just kind of nods and kind of slurs her way through everything. I still am on record as saying that I don't believe that bitch is sober for one. So I mean, maybe she's not drinking. But I do not believe that she's sober for one second. How about you? Ah, I think I found where Ken is. Sorry, I tried to do Kim. I still have like, Lily in my nose. It came at all strange. I think I found Ken. I think he found the vortex in my fireplace. Hey, Kim, is that you? I have to be breathing in the fireplace. Hands up, and you're going to put out a fire, Kim. I read the fire. I read the fireplace. I found some meth in the, I found some meth in the chimney flute. Half my meth. I don't even know what meth is. That's some special tonic. Bring it over here. I don't have a fireplace. I don't even have a mushroom like the Smurfs. You're crazy. They have the bathroom down here. They're a bunch of teemas. Now they have their own union because they're blue. That's not fair. You know, I always knew Papa Smurf is handsome, even as a little girl. Papa Smurf is a cast member on escape to which mushroom. Oh, Kim, you know who needs to write a book is Kim. She needs to write a tell-all book, and then she needs to do an audiobook. And I will listen to that shit day in and day out. At 80 years from now, it'll be praise for being a pioneering work in the new and the neo-cerealist movement because every page will make no sense. And we'll say things like la-da-da-da-da chicken salad. Chicken salad. There's going to be like chicken salad stains on every page from her fingers. I would love to see the Kim Richard's Guide to Chicken Salad. I get 20 pages like quick to do cookbook. You know, it's like, dude, you get some salary and you get some potato. I like potatoes. I think potatoes, they could be fun shapes and I like to look at them. Set those finger ones. Those are so gross. Who would make a potato out of a finger? Whoever invented those needs to just stop cooking because those things are ridiculous. I'm not eating a finger. What do I look like on the address? Wow, I was a single mom. I had to serve finger potatoes to my kids and they were eating them. I was like, here comes the planes and the hanger. I was like, it's the Van Nuys hanger. They got real nice planes, the Van Nuys hanger. You know how long I thought fingerling potatoes were real fingers. You know how many housekeepers I hurt trying to give my kids healthy potatoes? I just feel terrible now. I was like, there's a woman with potato fingers. There's dinner on no one's hand. Where's my cleaver? Oh, I get nervous. Are we going to get to see Adrienne boning this 32-year-old drug addict? Yes or no? God, so disgusting. I'm Adrienne Malef. Did you read that Adrienne Malef just sold their team? Whatever, their basketball team for like $500 million. Isn't it $500 million? That sounds low, but maybe they weren't a good team. Wow, so I'm glad that Adrienne Malef is doing well, everybody got a hot guy in. Glad she's rooting for everyone. Everyone in Sacramento is a bet. Yeah, congratulations Adrienne. I'm really happy for you. And she's serving fruit first. What a fucking idiot. You're supposed to eat fruit first. Okay, everybody? I just love how Kyle had that whole set up there. And Adrienne went for the fruit first and Kyle was so mad. Because you don't favor as it was like, remember to tell everyone fruit last. Fruit last. No, fruit goes first in food combining and then you have to wait half an hour later so that the fruit doesn't ferment with the other food that you eat. Okay, that's why Kyle has to wear clothes from Boca that are flowy and don't show off her body. Because she eats fruit last. Yes, learn the rules Kyle. Your watermelon after dinner is killing you. So I think that we're pretty much done here. Yeah, I think so. I think we've now gone on to a million different tangents. Yeah, I think we've sufficiently confused our audience now. We are going to be firing up our ectoplasm and trying to retrieve Matt from his ghost portal in Kim Richard's house. Yes, if you have some McDonald's that you want to throw into a blender and send in the Ziploc to Kaiser so I mean Kaiser Permanente. Kaiser Permanente in East Hollywood, please do. And if you have some non-blended up McDonald's, you just want to send to me. You can send them to Ben. If you have some fingernails you would like eaten. You can send those to me until I'm thin. If you have any sliders, you can send them to me and I'll give them to Ben here. Thank you guys for listening. You can find us on Twitter @whatcraphens. I am @tvgasm. Ben is @bsideblog. You can find us on Facebook at facebook.com/watchwhatcraphens. Please come on there and leave us some comments or leave us some comments and rate us on iTunes. Also, I recap Real Housewives of Beverly Hills for 4tvgasm.com and I do parody redubs of all the episodes which I post on our Facebook page and at TV gasm. So come on by and Ben, what are you doing? Are you doing any photo recaps this season? I haven't checked yet. I hope to. I've just been saddled with this script I'm working on and it's really taking up all of my vlogging time. Whatever, real job. Well, one day Ben will shoot out a photo cap for us at B-side blog. I will. I really want to guys. I really, really miss it. And until then, just let us know if you want shenga on the podcast soon or not. Yes, I want her on now. Yeah, let us know if we're not covering any shows that you guys want us to talk about. Love yet. Thanks for being here. Please enjoy Ace's gold on the way out. Cheers, Judy. Bye. (Music) (Music) (Music) (Music) (Music) (Music) (Music) (Music) (Music) (Music) (Music) (Music) (Music) (Music) (Music) If you like listening to comedy, try watching it on the internet. The folks behind the side show network have launched a new YouTube channel called WaitForIt. It's got interviews with comedians like Reggie Watts, Todd Glass, Liza Schleisinger, slicing, driving friends with it for 10 years. One of the funniest people out there, and I still have a hard time with the last name Liza. Our very own Owen Benjamin, that's me, takes you on a musical journey down Internet rabbit holes and much more. You don't have to wait any longer, just go to youtube.com/waitforaccomity. There's no need to wait for it anymore, because it's here, and it's funny, and I love you. (Music) A few days ago, Brooke Todine posted an inspirational quote on her wall that got 17 likes and three comments. Thumbs up, Brooke. Geico also wants to make a comment. In just 15 minutes, you could save hundreds of dollars on your car insurance by switching to Geico, and nothing says inspiration better than saving money. Well, except for those posters that say things like teamwork, excellence, and make it happen. Hashtag, keep climbing, hashtag savings. Geico, 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance. If you like Watch What Crapons, you can listen ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey at Wondery.com/survey. Are you in trouble with the law? Need a lawyer who will fight like hell to keep you out of jail? We defend and we fight, just like you'd want your own children to defend it. Whether you're facing a drug charge, caught up on a murder app, accused of committing war crimes, look no further than Paul Bergrin. All the big guys go to Bergrin, because he gets everybody off. You name it, Paul can do it. Need to launder some money, broker a deal with a drug cartel, take out a witness, from Wondery. 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