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That's Audible.com/crapins or text Crapins to 500-500. ♪ Don't be tight for the party party ♪ ♪ Don't you be tight for the party party party party party ♪ ♪ Hurry up baby, don't be late ♪ ♪ I'll meet you at the blaze ♪ ♪ I've been waiting for this place ♪ - Hello everyone, and welcome to Watch What Crapins, a weekly podcast about all that crap on Bravo. I'm Ben Mantleker from bsideblog.com, and joining me, as always, are Matt Woodfield from Yahoo. Hi, Matt. - Hey Ben, and Ronnie Karim from TDGASM. - Well, hello everybody. - Hello, hello, hello, hello. Wow, we've had, this is exciting. This is an exciting podcast. You know why it's exciting? 'Cause we had a live show last week, and now we're not live anymore. Now we're back. - I know, I don't know if I'm gonna be able to do this without a bottle of skinny girl margaritas and people laughing. - You snatched that bottle out of my hand, and you put your dirty horn mouth on it. - You know what, that's true, but in my defense, you had like a big gold card full of stuff. - And I have to register an official complaint, which is that you did not warn me that there would be skinny girl margaritas, and therefore I had no glass in which to pour in my margarita, and I had to-- - Do you notice that I brought a big gold just for myself? - I thought, honestly, I thought what that was. I didn't even think that was a cup. I thought that was just like a strange like candle holder. - It looked like a candle holder. It's one of those bizarro-like Swedish cups from Ikea. - Yeah, I was like, why is Matt filling up a candle holder with skinny girl margarita? - It fits 32 ounces of wine, not a problem. - Well, that's true. Well, I didn't have any of it, but you know what though, I consider that a bullet dodge because I don't even like the skinny girl stuff that much. So, bam, right there. - Well, it got me drunk, so it works everybody. For anybody who's wondering, there is alcohol in that. - So speaking of sobering things, we have a lot of serious stuff to get to today. We're gonna talk about the latest episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey, which was pretty crazy. We're gonna talk about Real Housewives of Orange County, and we're gonna talk about, don't be charting for the wedding, and but we're gonna start things off with some gossip. Do you guys have any gossip? 'Cause I've got a little bit of gossip. - Yeah, I do. - Oh, wait, you start off, Ronnie. - Vicki's daughter's pregnant, I read. - Really? - Yeah, I read that, too. - Wow. - She's pregnant, and I feel bad for her, because she's finally skinny. Like she's skinny her after having all that crap taken out of her thyroid. And so she finally lost a bunch of weight after dealing with that for so long, and now bitch, got a baby inside of her. - Oh, man. - Third? - Third? - Third? - Oh, it's not acknowledged. - She's not Lauren Manzo, so it shouldn't be hard to get it back off. - Lauren Manzo, we're about to be rich. Oh, and I'm pregnant. (laughing) - I know, I can't make money unless I am skinny. (laughing) - We'll get to that. - I love that, I love how that, yeah, we'll get into that meeting. (laughing) - So she got pregnant, well, good for her, you know? I sort of feel like, you know, to quote from a rest of development, that one gets pregnant, that one stays pregnant, you know what I'm saying? She's locking that down, she's locking it down. - I just don't know how good of, oh, I shouldn't say this while we're in like five different wars in this country, but I don't know how good of an idea it is to get pregnant by a soldier who's stationed in Afghanistan like right now. I mean, shouldn't you wait, like wait till you know that pension's gonna be coming or, till he's gonna be home and have a job. Don't be getting pregnant right now, girl. - Oh please, like she needs to worry about money with money bags, Vicki Gunvelson, you know, bankrollin' this. - I know, I think that that baby probably has better insurance than I ever will. - Yeah, it has high-goat insurance. - Even if Vicki loses a million dollars on the house that Gina Keohol sold to her, you know, I think that Brianna will be fine. - That baby's gonna be, that baby's gonna be named Farmer. And I love that Vicki was kind of insinuating the whole show that this was all Gina's fault, Gina's fault. - Ronnie, you sound like you're turning into a robot. Are you like, are you damaging someplace with no reception? - No, I'm sitting right in front of you. - Oh, what have I done? - You need to buy a snowball, bitch. This is the wrath of Vicki. She knows we're talking about her unborn grandchild. - Oh, I know why, it's because I'm looking on the internet so while we're trying to Skype. And God forbid in 2012 you do anything, but one thing at a time on the internet. - Oh my God, oh brother, okay. So some more gossip, speaking of children, so here's the news, Eddie Cibrian won't allow his child with brandy on Real House as a Beverly Hills. - Is this, do we care? Do we care that they're being there? - No, we don't care. This is a big, no, this is a huge deal that happened, you know, late last week because brandy was offered by Bravo a full-time position, a promotion to full-time housewife. But the fine print in the deal from Bravo said that her kids had to be part of the show because that was the only way to expand her storyline. But Eddie and new wife Leanne Rhimes are refusing that. So as a result, brandy is only going to still remain a friend of housewives. This means she's losing a shit ton of money. This is a big deal. - Wow, now why, I mean, this is not the first time that a kid has not been allowed on Real Housewives. So why is brandy getting penalized? Tamara's kids aren't allowed on. - I think that they're probably finally smart enough at Bravo to put everything in the contract. Like if you think your husband is suicidal, you can't come on the show. If you ain't gonna show your kids, you ain't coming on the show. - Yeah. - They're smart enough to put all this shit in the contract so that they don't get in trouble later on down the line. - Well, whatever. - Right, if you start a line of Pinot Grigio, well, it's not just about getting in trouble. It's also about they don't wanna give away their money because look at Bethany, perfect example. So like Ramona, I'm gonna start a Pinot Grigio line. Guess what? Bravo's now gonna have an each one of those contracts. We get 50% of whatever the fuck you make on the shit that you produce. - That's right, that's what happened with the Food Network when Rachael Ray blew up, Rachael Ray, like Food Network didn't have like a provision. That's not Rachael Ray, it makes all this money and Pinot Rach gets like none of it. So I heard somewhere. But you know what I liked? I liked that Brandi. She actually tweeted about the situation. She goes, someone is being a dick, but it's not Bravo. I really love her. I love the way she approaches things. - Well, and then the funny thing is there were photos that we just saw surface today from this past weekend where Brandi and Eddie and Leanne were all at one of the kids. Mason's soccer games. So they're able to be in the same vicinity with each other without ripping each other's extensions out. But clearly there was major ice 'cause they were not sitting together. They were just in the same area. - Well, I think that Bravo probably, they're very tricky and they disease women so hard that I think that they know that if they got Brandi's kids in the show, then that's a way of kind of getting Eddie and what's her buns on the show. Why else would they wanna show the kids? Like they don't wanna show the kids like wandering through Walmart and getting lost with their mom. I mean, that's not what they want. They don't wanna show the real life part of it. They wanna show the kids bitching about Leanne beating them or something. - Exactly, but the thing is like-- - Do you know that Leanne does that? You know she's like mommy dearest. You just look at her face. You can tell she's got mommy dearest face. - You know she like walks on the carpet with socks a lot and then shocks him on purpose and it's like, oops, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. - She feeds them porridge, feeds them with rulers. I'm just turning into a Catholic nun at this point. - I have like the most innocent abuse stories ever. I'm like she carpet shocked them, you guys. - You just can know that Brandy is like, if she's listening to this, she's like, do not talk about my kids, I will fucking kill you. - Are you kidding me right now? God, I love her, I love Brandy. - I'm assuming she's also wearing a see-through dress as she screams this. - Well she can laugh, you know what? Brandy is 39, did you know that she's 39? She looks great for 39, I thought she was like 33. - Well it's because she's standing next to the rest of that cast, God bless her. That's like the smartest place to stand. If I was at any party with any of those women, I'd stand next to them the whole damn time. - Yeah, we love our Vanderpump, but she is the fucking Cryptkeeper. - She is, but at least she's like legitimately older. You know, she looks fantastic. I mean, she looks-- - She's a hot Cryptkeeper. - Yeah, she's like a bonable Cryptkeeper. The rest of them look like that in their early 40s. They're scary. - Yeah, Taylor actually looks like the Cryptkeeper. I mean, 'cause she really does look like bones. Okay, she looks like a skeleton. - She looks, yeah, she looks like a Jenga set. So the other gossip that I heard is regarding Taylor and they say that her storyline, well we've talked about this a little bit before, that her storyline is gonna be cut down and they're gonna start phasing her out of the show. Did we talk about that already? - We may have, but are there any new developments on that front? Just that she, her whole storyline this season is gonna be about being a raging alcoholic. - Oh, that's me. - Apparently, they're not even trying to hide it anymore because, you know, last year with everything going on with Russell, really not that many people even talked about what a drunk idiot she was, even in-- - Did they just talk about what an idiot she was? - Not a drunk idiot. - Yeah, like no, everyone was on Kim about being on something, but no one was really on Taylor, which I thought was odd. - Well, I'm looking forward to scenes of Taylor being drunk at some piano bar, like at 1.30 in the morning, regaling the pianist with stories of her former glories. I used to be a cheerleader. I don't have it all. - I wanna see more of her like climbing into a suitcase and having Kim zipper ass up. - Oh yeah, I love that. - That was the funniest thing of the entire last season. Her crying/lapping/cutting herself in a suitcase. - Well, and then followed by Adrienne just looking at her right in the face as saying, "You're having a nervous breakdown." (laughing) - Was that not the best thing ever? - And Taylor just nodding, sadly. - Well, let's, do you have any more gossip? 'Cause I think we really have to move into the show. - The only gossip is that Camille may or may not be coming back and I'll be a supporting role, but yeah, she's-- - Oh, she's not coming back. She's gonna be on the show still, but it's only gonna be as a guest at parties. You know how Ramona's been on Amber after like at a party? - Exactly. - It's gonna be that. - Well, that's-- - I'm happy enough with that. - So let's go. - But how could, no, no, you can't now that you brought that up because part of that story was that she actually should be back on the show this year because she got caught leaving a really nasty message on her new boyfriend. No, it's her new boyfriend, Demetri, whatever. His wife is ex-wife. - Oh, that's right. - Camille left like some vicious message on-- - Well, I haven't heard that. - And she said, "If you keep messing with me, "I will eviscerate you in public. "I will ruin your good name. "I will ruin you." - And I believe her. I totally believe her. And you know, when you have the power of the medium, Alison Dubois, don't fuck with Camille. She has secret powers. - Oh, yeah, she's got a superhero in her corner. She certainly does. God, I miss Alison Dubois. I'm really sad they couldn't get her to come back. - Well, maybe they can. - Well, surprise, surprise. But let's talk about it, some other superheroes, starting with Rosie from New Housewives of Jersey. - Yes, how much do we do on her? - I thought we were gonna start with her. - What? - I'm glad we're starting with-- - Me too, I was gonna start with her too. - Yeah, I thought we were gonna start with Orange County. I'm so glad we're starting with Jersey because Rosie Sweet came out of the closet as a woman. She came on the show without that baseball cap on. She had kind of anti-hair. Yeah, which I love, it was a surprise. I was totally surprised by that look. - It's short and manageable hair. - She sort of looks like a hefty lesbian version of Ralph Machio now. - She looks like a version of Rosie O'Donnell that sucked on the tailpipe. Like, just a really rundown Rosie. But God, I sure love her. - I sure love her too. Well, here's a question. Does Rosie have the best or the worst hair in New Jersey? - Worst. - I'm gonna say best. - I would answer least. - Good, that was an option. - That was an option. - That was not an option. - Although Lauren would be a close second to that. I'm like, how much hair can you lose from a freakin' diet shake woman? - Listen, she is the proprietor of Face by Lauren Manzo. She knows beauty. I think Rosie has the best hair because I think it suits her the best. I think Rosie, with that crazy little haircut, I think it's perfect. Don't you think Rosie-- - Yeah, she can be a bull dyke or a nagging empty. And I love both sides of her. - Plus, on top of that, she sweats a lot so she can't really be having a long hairstyle, you know? - That is true. - She's at short for when she's-- - And after all of Teresa's kids in the street. - And the waist, she almost smacked down that bimbo with the party, the best moment of the week. And they stayed production as a side. But that was actually the best moment of the week. - Yeah, those 90 second little interludes between commercials are such a pain in the ass until last night when that happens. - Oh yeah, to think that they put in a thing where most people would be fast forwarding, you know, it's a shame because it was really a wonderful glimpse into Rosie's life, I think. I would like to see an expanded scene of that altercation. - Well, basically this big blonde bimbo comes and sits down and tries and gets in the scene. And Rosie was not having it and said something like, "Oh, well, our fam, you know, we're sitting here talking about family and then some girls sitting here, I don't know who she is." - She's like, "I have a cross on my neck. You have a cross on my neck too." - She's part of the same kinship. - You know, you got to love Rosie 'cause she was like, "I can punch this bitch," or I could just say, "Okay, yeah, you're right. We're both Christians, like, let's shake on." I love that Christianity can still, even fake Christianity can still bring people together on this show. - Add a soul to this party. - Yeah, at a totally pagan event. (laughing) - How much, by the way, are we loving Rosie's increased role this season? You know, she became a fan favorite last season when she only had like a few little scenes. And this year, you know, Bravo is saying, "Okay, we know everyone loves Rosie. We're gonna give you a lot more of her." - Well, Andy Cohen is obsessed with her, and he talks about her on Watch What Happens Live like every single night. He actually did a special like superhero Rosie moment on last night's show, so he's obsessed with her. We're gonna see a lot more of her, and as long as she's drinking a big old jug, a Carlo and Rossi, red grape juice, I'm all about it. And smoking cigarettes on the deck. - Amen, and she's the only one that Teresa has reverence for. I don't know if you've noticed that, but Teresa, she'll stand down slightly to Caroline, but Caroline hasn't really come at Teresa full force yet. - The thing is, you don't get the sense that Caroline will actually punch anyone, but Ro Ro, she'll like punch you and then kick you in the ribs. - Yes, I think Teresa's been beat by that bitch before. We can see that. - Oh yeah, and you know what? Also, Rosie is the only one with a common sense to not let the kids play in a street when cars are coming, okay? (laughing) Like if Teresa had been there, you know, Adriana would have wandered into her street and she'd be like, "Ah, isn't it a kid? "She's in the street. "Oh, look, a car is coming. "That's cute." (laughing) - Ro Ro, actually had the common sense to go and sweep the frickin' toddler off the asphalt before anything happened. It's probably Melania who put her there. Melania probably put a piece of cheese out in the middle of the street, and Adriana went running after it, toilet camera, he comes around, frickin' Melania. She's possessed by the devil, I swear to God. - I love that. She had so many great things this week. Like, whenever, well, first of all, all the couples went on a boat ride together leaving Rosie to babysit all these kids, and they get on the boat, and what's, Lebanese Dilbert is what he's called on TV, Gasm, which is hilarious. - Rachael Bridges. - Rachael Bridges. - Yeah, he says, "Are you sure this isn't Teresa's dog? "I don't wanna get out there and then have the boat "re-possessed in the middle of the water," or whatever he said, which was hilarious, and then they're like, "Kids, get away from the water, "all these kids in water, not good," and then Melania. It's so, you don't drown a lot. (laughing) - I feel I felt so bad for Kathy's kids. - Kathy's kids, and they were stuck having to babysit. Like, they could not have looked more bored. You know that little, you know Joseph wanted to just go out and bone one of his Twitter followers, you know, but he's stuck there at the show. - Joseph was like, "I should be doing cocaine "off a hooker's ass right now." - Instead, I'm stuck here with Aunt Roro, like, drinking from her gallon of wine. - Yeah, they didn't look thrilled, for sure. - Who can blame them? - And also Melania. I go poo-poo all the time. (laughing) - All the time, you know, I don't doubt it, 'cause you know what, she probably puts it in her diaper, which she's probably still wearing, and smears it out of windows saying red rum, or something like that, poop rum, you know? - I go poo-poo all the time. I'm gonna make that a little wringer. - I liked when she was trying to, like, she was dangling off the closet thing, off that pole in the closet. You know, the only reason why she was doing that was she probably wanted to craft a spear of some sort, you know, and wanted to yank it down, and just whittle it down, and stab Rosie in it through the heart. - I think she's gonna be working at scores on another pole in about 10 years. - She will be on a vertical pole, instead of a horizontal one. (laughing) - So, what else happened before we get to the craziness of fight? - Okay, before we get to the craziness of the fight, first of all, well, actually, never. I was gonna mention another guest star, but we'll get to that, 'cause that's more with the fight. - Oh, she's my favorite, and I will not let you forget. - We will get to her, we will get to her. We can talk about the manzas before we get to the big fight. Okay, here's my question. Is this one of Caroline's greatest moments in parenting when she talks about Lauren's weight issues, and she talks about her sons. She's like, "Well, you know, my sons, "they're so handsome and charming, but--" - Oh, God, they've got it all going on. - They've got a great personality. - I mean, Lauren, you know, she's got a great personality. - Oh, God. - Okay, can I just say, like, forget Caroline for a second. Let's talk about her husband, who said that Lauren's children with Vito would look like beasts. Yeah, that was-- - He said his grandchildren would look like beasts because his daughter is an ugly pig. That's what he said. - He said those kids are gonna be huge, and she's like like a beast, and then the boys are like, "Yeah, they're gonna be like big Harry koalas, "who can't breathe." Oh, my God. - And Caroline did not stop him from saying that. - No, she laughed. - She didn't correct him. - Well, she laughed. Lauren did have a good comeback, which is at least my kids don't beat douchebags like yours. So that was, you know, give her some points for that. - Well, poor Lauren, you know. I mean, I hate saying poor Lauren because she's so sappy and whiny and blah, blah, blah. It's like, listen babe, nobody drove you to Little Caesars. Okay? You drove there, you put that IV in your own arm. But at the same time, having your own family call you a beast and say your children are gonna be mouth breathers when they know that you're drinking fucking chocolate powder from Dr. Perry Cohn in a blender and your mom's calling you fat on national TV. It's just so sad. - You know what, Lauren? You know what, Lauren? I hope she just keeps in mind the fact that of all those manzo kids, she's the only one who's got someone. Okay? She's got a boyfriend. The rest of them don't got anyone. - Well, and I'm sorry-- - I would say-- - I would say-- - It's an Albie Hot 'cause I think they are just so average. - Albie is hot for that show. - No. - But-- - They are mediocre. - They are mediocre, at best. - Well, the Albie is not aging well. I'm telling you, and Christopher's going, you know what, Christopher is not one to talk, by the way, all right? - Christopher, no kidding-- - Christopher, no kidding, it's the same buffet as Lauren, all right? - No kidding, he's fat and he's becoming more of a Barney Rubble by the day, by the episode. - He is. - He is. - So I gotta give Lauren points for, you know, not being the only fat one. And I would say I'd give her brownie points, but I don't want to encourage anything. And I know she's on a diet, so-- - Well, what about both of her fat fucking parents? That's what I want to say. - Well, you know what, since when is Caroline thing? Caroline has looked like a sack of potatoes since the beginning, and her nasty ass husband, Alber-- - Well, he is so-- - Is a mouth-breathing, hairy-backed fat bastard too. - He goes on an Alber lawsuit. - Alber lost a lot of weight. - And you know, Caroline isn't appropriate mom weight. For her age, she's like a normal mom weight, you know. - It's Caroline got the lat baron, okay? Anybody who's had to get-- - Listen, you guys know I'm overweight, and I'm constantly on diets, and I have an eating disorder, or 10. - But that doesn't make it okay to be mean to someone just because they're fatter than you know. It's like when you lose two pounds, and it says make every one you see on the street, you're like that fat idiot. If I can lose two pounds, they can do it. No, no, that doesn't make it right. - Well, Caroline, first of all, is on menopause, which apparently explains why she's being a bitch, according to Teresa. And second of all, poor Lauren, I mean her, her, her, she's like a real head case. She literally said, Caroline said, what's gonna happen when you reach your goal weight? And then she's like, I'm gonna be rich as if that just happens. Like once you lose weight, all of a sudden, like job opportunities open up, no. - Here's the thing. She has gotten thinner, and we did see the photos, and she does look great, good for her, blah, blah, blah. But you know what? Watch her become one of those ex fatties who becomes a skinny fucking bitch. (laughing) - Well, she doesn't, as far as we know, I mean, how far in advance do these shows tape? Like four months? - No, this season of Jersey is a hundred years old. - Yeah, they told us one about nine months ago. - Okay, well, the pictures we saw were from a couple of months ago, I think they were the most recent on the Google images, which of course is how we do all our history here. And she was thinner, but she wouldn't then. - Yeah. - I mean, come on now. - Yeah, well, you know, it's gonna be hard for her to get to be like-- - I'm saying this, you have a boyfriend. - You have a boyfriend, be fat, I'm gonna stick with that. I'm only, I only diet for a boyfriend. What's up, my mom and I be coming, John Goodman. - I agree, I think that she's got a lovely boyfriend in Vito. There's more of him to love, you know, they can, as I said last week, they can stay at home and make mozzarella in the kitchen sink, and just enjoy it, okay? - No, here's what's gonna happen. She's getting skinnier, and she's-- - She's gonna dump Vito, isn't she? - She's gonna dump his ass in a second. - Who do you think she's gonna go for? Maybe she'll go for Tamara's son. Don't get me started on that one. - He's single, all right, so now let's move on to the main event here, okay? There was a huge fight between Melissa and Teresa, and the back up, the back story is that Jacqueline's silly psychic decided to have a solstice party which was held in what looks like the parking lot of like a nail salon that was maybe tented with a blue tarp, and everyone had to put on little bedazzled things for the dirt eyes. - 50s, but they were probably left over nails from the nail salon. - Poor Rosie, she couldn't keep hers on to sweating so much, but that's okay. I don't think Rosie would've wanted it on. - She's not used to having stuff splashed on her face. - So at first, you know, this was supposed to be an event for positive energy, and quite frankly, I thought it was all gonna be positive because we had our first appearance of the season of one Miss Kim D, proprietor of Posh. - As played by Sally Kalerman. (laughing) - I have to say Kim D, her hair fangs look like they may have grown out, which sort of bothers me 'cause that was sort of rude. - I know, I missed her look. - I missed the hair fangs, but the good news is the duck lips are still there. - If not bigger, they're more expansive. You could actually have like a little, you could put like a little like dining set on top or teacup on top now, and it could sit there. - I don't understand anybody who has the opportunity to actually watch this show at home before going on it and then going on it and deciding to be on Teresa's side. Who does that? - Yes. - How bright can you be? - Well, so this is a good question. So when I was watching this show last night, I was watching with my friend Jenny, and she went on to Twitter to see what people were saying about this fight between Melissa and Teresa, and we'll explain the fight momentarily. And she said that almost everyone she found on Twitter was Team Teresa, and it was baffling to me. - Have people-- - No, no, no, no. There's no way on-- - She must have been looking at the wrong people. - On watch what happened at the wrong people. - On watch what happened at the wrong people. - Last night, Andy put up the poll question for everyone to vote in, and it was who's side are you? On Teresa's or Melissa's? And so the results came through, apparently, more votes were cast last night than ever before, and Melissa ended up having almost 70% of the vote. - Excellent. (laughing) - So who wants us to explain the fight? She wants to explain the fight. - Okay, I'll explain that. - Okay. So Teresa was having a discussion with Mitchell Joe on the beach and said, after he offered help in case Joe went away, which is their way of saying prison, 'cause they're old school, and it's about respect. - Yeah, and denial also. - Yeah, she got all defensive and was like, "Yeah, well, I'll help you when your wife "leaves you for a richer man." (laughing) - Sure or less. - Something that, something to that effect. - I basically said, your wife has a singing career, and she's gonna become successful and go into clubs, and you better watch out, 'cause she's gonna leave you for someone who's richer. - Did anybody think that when she kept saying that, are we still explaining, or can I start talking? - We're still explaining, but you can talk. - Yeah, that was the gist of it. - That was the inciting incident. - What really baffled me, well, it didn't really baffle me, it just made me solidified my belief that Teresa is a fucking monster. But so, when Teresa kept saying that to Melissa, that I'm hearing these things that you know, blah, blah, blah, blah. I had a feeling that the entire thing was Teresa believed that, and that nobody was really telling her a goddamn thing. - Yeah, I was just about to say that. I was gonna say, she keeps on saying, "You know, everyone keeps saying these things." I'm like, "Who is everyone?" It's just your thought, and you don't wanna own up with the fact that you suspect this, and you're not woman enough to own your own stupid suspicion, so you have to make it sound like it's just a general thing. - Right, she has no more friends. Her only friend is Miss Posh. - Well, so we are getting ahead of ourselves a little bit here, so what happened with the fight, the issue was that they're at this solstice thing, and Jacqueline's blabbing to Teresa, and it comes out that Melissa learned about Teresa's comment, 'cause obviously told his wife, and then Melissa told Jacqueline, and so then Teresa's like, "Did Melissa tell you?" And long story short, Jacqueline sent Melissa over to Teresa to talk, 'cause she thought Teresa was going to apologize to Melissa for maybe misspeaking. - Well, that's what Jacqueline said, but she knows that Teresa's not gonna apologize. - Of course. - Teresa's never apologized, and she gave no indication that she was gonna apologize. - Yeah, but don't you lie, Jacqueline just didn't wanna be in the middle of it anymore, which I don't blame her. - And so she did that by putting herself in the middle, yeah. - No, no, no, but that's what I'm getting at. I'm sorry, a lot of people have been haters on Jacqueline, and yes, she does play both side, blah, blah. You know what, I don't blame her for a second. What she did was smart last night. She removed herself. She said, "You two crazy bitches can fight this out. I'm walking away." - Yeah, exactly, so Melissa goes over to the table, sits down with Teresa, and so Teresa tries to explain herself by saying something, I don't even remember how it started, but basically... - This Halloween, ghoul all out with Instacart, whether you're hunting for the perfect costume, trying that giant bag of candy or casting spells with eerie decor. We've got it all in one place. Download the Instacart app and get delivery in as fast as 30 minutes. Plus, enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders. Offer valid for a limited time, minimum $10 per order, service fees, other fees, and additional term supply. Instacart, bringing the store to your door this Halloween. - Credit Karma makes building your credit straightforward and stress-free with help from our credit builder. Sign up today at Credit Karma.com and start enhancing your financial health. Credit Karma, your partner in building a brighter financial future. Credit Builder Plan is serviced by Credit Karma Credit Builder and requires a line of credit and savings account provided by cross-river bank member FDIC. - Teresa said, - Teresa basically has no excuse, and she will never say she's sorry. So she just starts blabbing and doing that crazy blink, blink, blink thing that she does. And saying, well, you know, yeah, maybe I said that, but it's because, you know, Joey didn't call me when my husband went away. - That's right. - And Melissa said, well, you know why he didn't call you, right, because last time your husband was away, he did call you and offer you help. And you said that there was nothing wrong and denied it and got upset that he called you. And Teresa said, what? No, that's not true. I didn't deny it. I said that everything was okay, which of course means that she denied it. That's what, Teresa's argument is just so ridiculous. - But agrees with everything you're saying and just says no at the end, and that's her argument. - Well, but the thing is, Rana, you messed up on one critical thing is that Melissa did not say, oh, well, the last time Joe went away, she said, well, when Joe went to jail for the DUI, and that's what she said. - Oh, no, first. No, first, she said, the last time he went away, and then Teresa said, no, no, no, he, I never said that it was a lie. I just said that everything was okay, and we did need it. - Oh, that's right. - And she's gapped. He goes to jail for the, when he went to jail for the DUI, and then Teresa jumps up, and it's like, I'm not talking about this. Like, she didn't just give an interview about her husband away and leaving her. Like, the whole episode happened because Teresa's been giving interviews to the press about how, you know, Joe might be going to prison in my life without Joe as the headline on my, whatever. - People will read into what Teresa, Teresa's reaction, and they'll say, the reason why she's mad is because she knows her kids are gonna watch this show and hear that their dad is going to jail when she's been telling them he's been going away. But the bullshit factor is that she's been giving these articles, these interviews. - No, why doesn't she be a good mother and not let her nine-year-old daughter watch Bravo? That is inappropriate. - Why doesn't she be a good mother and leave her freakin' crook of a husband? How about that? - Well, I agree with you, but I, at the same time, like I understand this woman is desperate. Clearly she's desperate. I'm saying, the way she's reacting to being desperate is not appropriate, but this woman needs to make money. Her husband is a crook who doesn't have any money. So she does these articles in order to pay the fuckin' bills. - Don't act like you're shocked to hear the word jail, you know? - I agree with you, but the thing is like, she freaks out that she hears the word jail and DUI because she doesn't want her kids to know that. That is fine, don't watch the TV. - I think she's in a saved denial because of the DUI. Wasn't, was that DUI the same thing where Joe quote-unquote, like, you know, fell asleep for real? - He just passed into a tree, yeah, he was hired. - And then was like stressed out, so he had five shots of whiskey right away. - Yeah, yeah, he went home and he was so stressed out that he got drunk and the police came. - So I don't think that she likes using the word DUI 'cause I think in her heart she doesn't believe it's a DUI. She thinks it's just a crazy misunderstanding that comes from stress drinking. - Well, here's what I find the most offensive about what's happening right now in Jersey. I find it super offensive that all these women are now against Teresa only because they've got the numbers now. - Caroline, Teresa has always been a crazy backstabbing bitch. There has never been a time where, Caroline said the word bully 10 times tonight. When has Teresa not been a bully? - When has Caroline not been a bully also, by the way? - Exactly, and they've been bullies together and stupid little twit, Jacqueline, just follows along and will do whatever the old haggard cheerleaders tell her to do. But now that they have the numbers to turn against Teresa because they've got new cast mates and they know that she's a crazy bitch anyway and have always wanted to be away from her 'cause she's the most popular one on that show. Now they've got the numbers and they're just turning against her. - Well, I don't really think that her is using against her, it's not cool. - Right, but Ron, she's an idiot and she deserves to have people team up against her because she's the one who's been doing this bullshit to people all along. - Well, so have they though, so is Caroline. Caroline, all those women were just the same to Danielle who was also a horde. - Why are you complaining when this is making for great TV we want to see Teresa fall and then next season, Jacqueline will be back by her side and we'll have a new cast member and it will all turn again. Like this is genius. - This is, I think this is the way it works in New Jersey. So anyway, okay, so Teresa storms outside, she goes into her car, Kim D runs after her and that's psychic too. The psychic wants her to come back 'cause she's like finally my psychic practice is getting on TV and now, I don't know, I can't even believe I just had psychic practice as if she has some sort of like advanced degree in reading cards. But anyway, Teresa's out in her car and she's like, "No, I gotta leave." And Melissa wants to come talk to me, she can talk to me. So they go, they fetch Melissa, which is ridiculous because Melissa should not have even bothered her. - And are fucking short shorts with her vagina hanging out by the way, like really? I wonder why people are calling you a slut. Your little midget of a rich husband meets you waitressing at some strip club or waitressing at some hot dog factory or whatever the hell they're calling it these days. - Marries you, makes you rich, you walk around with your boobs hanging out a little bit. - She still look at at least, yeah, at least she's cute and her like old nasty tatas aren't hanging out like the rest of them. - Exactly. - Right now, kids. - So she goes over to that. - And basically Melissa and Teresa start hashing it out. And Melissa basically says, "Look, like what you said to my husband "was massively inappropriate." And then Teresa tries to defend herself by saying, "Well, it was between a brother and a sister." And then she's like, "Well, you know, Joe." I mean, like my brother has said things to me or said things to my husband. She tries basically to say, "Well, Joe's done the same thing that I did." So first of all, since when did two wrongs make a right? - Riddle me that, everyone, riddle me that. - Well, I think that she's right. I mean, this is what I'm saying. Like, I think what Teresa is saying, Teresa's a horrible human, don't get me wrong. But what she's saying to Melissa is correct. Like, since when are they gonna be on this moral high ground? Melissa's been a bitch to Teresa. She sent her that nasty card about, "Enjoy your redone house." They've been trading barbs forever. They've hated each other forever. So why is it such a big deal? I think Teresa is actually shocked. It's a big deal that she suggested that Melissa was a gold digger. When she openly said it on TV, like 50,000 times last season. - No, but it was more than just something like that. - She called her a gold digger so many times. - But I think this was actually filmed before any of that aired anyway. But I think that, but you know, I think though that like what Teresa said, I think was massively inappropriate. And of course, Joe's gonna go tell Melissa because her husband and wife and they should, and he should tell her that. And it's not to excuse what Joe did. Joe shouldn't have said the things he said to whatever, to the other Joe, et cetera. But I think that, you know, when Teresa tries to defend herself, I say, "Well, everyone's saying it." And like, you know, I was just telling Joe, you know, just cause, just in case things don't work out, you know? And like, that is such an inappropriate thing to say. - What about, what about how inappropriate it is for her to assume that Melissa is not gonna tell her husband everything. Like, I'm an only child, but I don't understand why she thinks a sister and a brother, like, trumps a husband and a wife. - Yeah, it never, at this point, you know, husband and wife is like, is like first. And like, if Melissa had ever said to Teresa, like something like, "Well, just in case you and Joe Judas don't work out," Teresa would have like taken out a shotgun and blown her face off. We all know that. And then, and you know what? And the truth is this, you know, Melissa then demanded an apology. And for Teresa to say, "Apologize for what?" Like, how could Teresa even like not even admit that some of what she said was fucked up? - She, but here's the fucked up thing. She doesn't even realize that she's wrong. Like, we're trying to assume that this woman has some common sense and has some understanding of what is really going on. She has absolutely no idea. The blinders are on. So there is no rationalizing, rationalizing with a complete moron. - Well, that's why I do, oh, sorry, go ahead. - Well, I was gonna say, she also always talks about how family is like first and everything. But then how come when all these quote-unquote people are saying all this stuff about Joe and Melissa and da-da-da, how come her response is not to say, mind your own business, shut up. This is my brother you're talking about. And that's my sister-in-law. Why does she not defend them? And why does she instead? - That is a very good point. Why doesn't she say, shut the fuck up people? That's my family, I love them. And even though I have issues with them, why are you meddling in their business? The answer to that then is what we discussed 10 minutes ago because she's starting all this shit herself. - Yeah, still, still, yeah. - Oh my God, but they all do it. Caroline is always family, family, family. But all she does is diss everybody behind their backs too. - Yeah. - And she's called her own daughter, Sloth, you know. - But someone talked to her about Dina, you know Caroline would get mad. - You know, please, we know that Jackie punched Caroline in the face, right? So we know that that happened. We know that Caroline is only speaking to like 80% of her family. - Well, here's what I think. I think we should all take a page from the Kim D school of problem solving, which is to run everyone over in a car and just be done with it. - Well, if Joe had been there, that might have happened. - Yeah, 'cause that's what Kim D suggested, by the way. - Like Kim D said, told Teresa, you know what, just run them all over. - The point is this, Melissa was smart and she finally got some balls and she decided to address Teresa and confront her as opposed to letting her slide. So now the whole can of worms is opened. Now this season is really gonna start to breathe. Now we're gonna get more, you know, Kim in the mix because she's Teresa's only ally. We're gonna see Jacqueline and Caroline become even a stronger team. And the thing I'm most excited about is to see Jacqueline's friendship with Teresa crumble two pieces. We all have to remember that Jacqueline did not even show up on last season's reunions. For her not to show up on the reunion, it's massive. So I cannot wait to see this fall apart. - All right, so this brings us to, I think, our first little game of the night, which is I'm gonna ask you guys a question, which is if the New Jersey housewives were the Avengers, which one would they be? - Teresa would be the blonde guy with the hammer. - Why is she Thor? - Because he's got such a scary-looking stomach. - Yeah. - And he's really dumb. - And I could imagine her attacking someone with a hammer. - Totally. He has the biggest weapon. And he's in the other stall. - Caroline would probably be the Hulk because let's be honest. - 'Cause the Hulk has rage issues and she's on menopause. - Yeah, she's on menopause. And, you know, she sort of has a Hulkish figure, you know, and she sort of turns green a little bit. - Nobody is Robert Downey Jr. - Iron Man? - Nobody. - None of them. - I think Jacqueline's probably like Captain America maybe 'cause she's sort of like, that sort of bland, like goody-to-shoe-one, you know? - No, Jackie's the one. Jackie's all the cabs that get blown up during the course of the movie. (laughing) She's all the innocent bystanders who get blown to smithereens. - I think that, well, Melissa, I feel like Melissa's like Scarlett Johansson. I don't even know what Scarlett Johansson does in the movie 'cause I haven't seen it yet. - I hate Scarlett Johansson, but she's amazing in the movies. So the only amazing one on the show is Kathy. So she has to be the Scarlett Johansson character. - Actually, you know, I think about Kathy should be Captain America because Captain America stands for all things great and that's what Kathy is, so. - Yeah, and also he's the most old-school. - So Jacqueline's-- - Like I'd love to say. - Yeah, Jacqueline's just like-- - So she could be-- (laughing) - Yeah, she could be Samuel Jackson 'cause he tries to bring the team together. - Who's Mark Ruffalo in all of this? - That's the Hulk. - Oh, he's pre-Hulk. - Yes, and I can Caroline and Mark Ruffalo. They're kind of twins. - Yeah, I could see that. They sort of, you know, I could see him with sort of like a Bonnie Frank and hairstyle kind of looking like Carolyn. (laughing) - Who has the most frozen face? - Is there a Mr. Freeze in the Avengers? - No, but Captain America has the worst face because I do think that the guy who plays Captain America's had a little plastic surgery. - Who's Jeremy Renner, by the way? Who is he in the Avengers? - He has like a crossbow and he was kind of the weak link in the movie. - Oh, so that's Jacqueline. (laughing) She is not the weak link. - But she's sort of weak in the spirit. (laughing) - She has to be a Renner type of spirit. - Okay, people, we need to move on and talk some OC because we are running long. - Okay, so what do we think about Gretchen's performance? Did you guys hear she lost her voice? - Oh. - It's all Vicki's fault. - It's all Vicki's fault. Did she give you guys fever? - No, but I'm sure she's given a lot of people fever. - She gave me your fever. My ears were burning up as I was listening to her. - You know what that was? Yeah, that was pretty terrible. And at first, when we had only heard the preview, I thought, oh, well, that's not bad. It's not as bad as most housewives' performances, but yeah, yeah, it was. - It was pretty horrific. - Yeah, it was pretty bad. - She's awful. And strangely enough, Heather thought she was great, which was shocking to me 'cause I thought Heather was a professional singer at some point, perhaps the big band background. I don't know. - Oh, Heather knows that she's not great, but Heather has watched these shows and she's smart enough to know not to be the villain in the first season on purpose. Like, you don't go around bad-mouthing everybody. Like, if you wanna be popular, you have to say nice things about everybody and it's them, Alexis. - Didn't you notice that that changed completely last night? Like, Heather was not paving like the proper road for herself, like through the first, like, six episodes, but everything kind of changed last night. I actually was a hater until last night myself. - Of Heather? - Yeah, I think she's a horribly obnoxious monster. - Well, she is, but she is. - She is, you know. - Yeah, I kind of like her. I kind of like her having an element of faux sophistication. - I was totally surprised she didn't send that salmon plank back. - Well, you know, she probably did. It was probably like a bonus on broughthotv.com. (laughing) Watch Heather send a salmon plank back. - I said no butter. (laughing) - Speaking of like everyone being nice and nice, what do we think about Vicki apologizing to Gretchen? And then Vicki then expecting apology back from Gretchen. - Vicki is a horrible, horrible bitch and the fact that she would hand her a present, I mean, I'm not surprised, but at the same time, like Vicki just is making herself look extra awful this season and I didn't think it could possibly get worse. (laughing) - Well, Vicki looks like so decent to see. And I mean, she freaked out at that Bunko party, but that was kind of understandable. And-- - No, it was interesting. They were both, well, they were both acting like children, but they were both dragged into it by that old queen. - Okay, but Vicki is twice Gretchen's age. - That's late. (laughing) So what? - Here's the thing. Vicki, Vicki, you said she's looking better. I don't think she's looking better. I think her face is looking excessively puffy. You know, like it's like she's looking-- - I don't mean like literally ballooning, you know? - I don't mean literally better. I don't really believe in miracles. I'd be a much more positive person. (laughing) - 'Cause they sort of flashback of Vicki from like when she was getting her house sold to by Gina. And I was like, "Whoa, Vicki's face used to not be puffy. "Look at that." - Also that whole, the first two seasons were they shot on like Android camera phones. (laughing) Like the most flashback. - Yeah. - So speaking of Vicki, so she had a bomb dropped on her that she did not appreciate. And we mentioned this earlier, which is that Brianna got eloped. And I personally kept on waiting for Brianna to say, "Just kidding." - I like your way of fitting it. She got eloped. Like it's something that happens to you. (laughing) - Listen, Brianna, like, listen, I, when she said she went and she got married in Vegas, I was like, "Good for you." Because the truth is this, her husband's a good looking guy and everything. And honestly, prior to this, she'd just been moping around, going to Vegas with her one friend and going to empty casinos and having sad nights out. And she didn't seem like she had a lot going on. So now she got this sort of hot guy, like, "Yeah, lock that shit down." - What do you mean I said? - Go ahead, go ahead, sorry. - No, no, it's not gonna be funny. - Oh, sorry, Matt. - But I was gonna say, what do you mean it? It seems like she doesn't get around. She said, "I really like dating these kinds of guys." So I date, EMT workers, cops, firemen. She named, like, every fucking blue collar service job. There it is. - I know, she better not like, she better not like walk by some, like, factories, the one I have a gang bang by all the workers. - That's totally, totally. She has dated the entire... - She better avoid all those vocational schools. I'll tell you that. - Don't judge her, everybody has a fetish. She just likes a uniform, that's fine. - You know what though? Good for Brianna, because she's a good girl. She's got a head on her shoulders. She got a handsome man, like, good for her for locking that up. - She has her head on her shoulders now, but Vicki is gonna fucking chop her head off for doing this. - Vicki was, I love when Vicki is so stunned, she shakes her head like some dog that's rejecting medicine in its food. Like, no, no, no, no, no. - That is the perfect description. - 'Cause that's what she does, you know? Do we think, so do we think Brianna doing this? Do we think it was dumb or romantic? - I don't think it's dumb. - I don't think it's dumb. I mean, I think it's someone with issues with being close, what do you call that? - Intimacy issues. - Yeah, I think she's got intimacy issues, because she fell in love with this guy on Skype and is getting married to him when he's going back to Afghanistan. I think that that's a little weird. And especially when she was getting throat surgery and stuff, I think that's just weird. That's the kind of thing I would do. I don't want, I don't actually want to be around somebody, I just want to say I have a boyfriend. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah. - We'll get out of there. - That we're just being quiet and contemplative. - I know, I know I make you guys uncomfortable with this stuff, but it's totally true. - So let's go on to something funnier then. Let's talk about Alexis. So we had yet another chapter in Alexis Bleno, Anchor Woman to the Stars, where she finally got to go to an acting coach to be more like Katie Kurek. This show is funny, you know, I don't know if you guys watched Kathy, Kathy Griffin's new show, but Kathy actually talked about this. And she kind of covered a lot of points that I wanted to discuss, but I'm going to talk about them anyway, because I don't care. So the funniest thing was, first of all, the way Alexis imagined being a reporter at a house that was burning down. Okay, she, I'm not sure if she has a career in emergency reporting. Not that it's even called emergency reporting, but like, if she's reporting on anything that's not Dr. Booty, I think we may have an issue here. Well, I love, I love all the facts that she's making up to. She goes, okay, so you're, you're standing in front of a house that's burning down. Go, she's like, hi, everybody. There's this house and it's burning down right now. And nobody knows if anybody's alive in there, but they're in there investigating it. Possibly everybody's dead, 'cause it's on fire. There's five children. It's like, were you getting all these details? And they were just-- - And they were just shooting up the news. (laughs) - You know, well, then I, the thing that I love the most, and then Kathy Griffin also mentioned this, was then the acting coach took this scenario, and then she says, okay, we're moving forward, and the kids got out alive, and the license is like, oh, good. (laughs) Thank God the fantasy worked out that way. - That was hilarious. - She's like-- - That was really good. - Because I almost had to go tell Jim about the tragedy that happened in my acting coach head. (laughs) The kids got out, okay. Oh, good. (laughs) - Oh, good, good, good, good. I was really worried I'd have to report on something tragic happening. (laughs) I mean, I can only imagine if Alexis was covering like 9/11, what that would've been like. - Can we talk about the best part when the coach goes? You're talking about teens and like sexuality, and your tits were hanging out. (laughs) - Call to her a bimbo and a whore. - She did, right to her face. And Alexis had that look on her face. Again, to use a dog metaphor, like a dog who I guess was expecting dinner and instead got a chew toy or something like that. She was like, wrong, wrong. (laughs) - You know, I have to say that Alexis, just every week she endures herself to me a little bit more. I mean, the woman is a fucking moron, but she doesn't seem mean, you know? - Most of them seem serious. She's mean to other girls, though. She's mean to other girls. She's a catty bitch to other girls. - She's not as mean as the rest of them. - Oh yeah, I agree. - I guess I just forget because I think she's so funny. Like when she was going to the coach and she said, "Well, you know, Jen doesn't really want me going "to a coach, but you know, we both preyed on it." And like Jesus apparently told her to wear a two inch mini skirt with one of her sleeves hanging off of her shoulder, which was really like going the extra slut mile for the knees catching up. - If we know anything about Alexis, she'll always go the extra slut mile. (laughs) - Yeah, for Jesus. - And then she's like, "You know, it's really weird "cause me and Jim, like we always get different answers "from praying, so I love like Jesus is up "and heaven just fucking with them." - Yeah. - Like I'm going to fuck with their marriage and tell them both different things, go. - Well, you know, like when Jesus speaks to her, all she probably hears is collab your music. It's like, "Dude,ude,ude." It's like, "Wow, Jesus really loves that music." (laughs) And meanwhile, Jim, so they go, I like one of my favorite comments of Alexis was that when they went to see the Pussycat Dolls and Alexis is like, you know, it was so nice and Jim to come out and support. Like, you know, I know this was hard for him and he had to come support. It's like, yeah. - Right, she made it, she said like, he's not enjoying himself. That was the direct quote. And I was like, he has the hardest dick he's ever had right now. - And it's been planted in his chin. - Right, and it's been implanted in his chin. So he has two hard-ons and she's sitting there going, he's having a terrible time. And then there's a shot of him staring up some woman's cooter. (laughs) - God bless Alexis. - Well, she read about it and Jesus told her that, no, Jim is really miserable, but he's being a good husband. - Can I ask a question? Do people that are like super religious and prey on everything and have, you know, be dazzled crosses all over the house? Do they have sex or do they just have sex to make babies? - I think they have sex and they like it 'cause I think they like the shame of it all. - 'Cause are they like extra, do you think they're like extra dirty? - Yes. - Well, I don't think it's shameful to have sex when you're married. So they probably don't, they probably have decent sex. I don't know how much they do. - That's true. So now here's a question. So now here's the question now that we've talked about the OC. What do we think was the epic housewife fail of the week? - Oh Lord, what was the big fail? - I think it was the psychic lady through the Solstice party. I think it's sad that you're psychic and you can't see far enough into the future to know that you're gonna need a bra with that dress. Those tits were, those were like tubular tits. I mean, they were coming out her armpits down to the back of her knees. - Yeah, and she was also a fail in that the big star of her party left early. So she's dumb. - Well, that's the success, isn't it? I don't know how much so. - That's true. - When you get a storm out and then a confrontation in the parking lot. - That's true, yeah, that's right. In New Jersey, the parking lot confrontation is-- - Nothing beats that. It's the tops. - It's a rite of passage. - And when Melissa came back into the party after all that and said, "I'm gonna leave." You know, I feel much better. We got it settled and everyone at the party was just staring up at her smiling like they were watching. - Yeah, with that, when that kind of stuff happens, do you guys just find yourself fixated on like the onlookers that are at the supporting tables? That's all I'm concerned with. - That's totally what I was doing. It was silent in there. Did you see? You could hear it was silent. Everyone had clearly been hearing all this yelling in the parking lot, you know? - They were probably all stranding out there. - So Matt, what do you think was the epic house I failed the week? - You know, I am losing my patience and love for Caroline. It's so incredibly fast. Like, Teresa's horrible. Everybody's horrible, but this week Caroline takes the cake for letting her husband call her own daughter Lauren a beast for saying, you know, that her daughter is fat like 19 times in the span of one hour and for making it seem-- - And laughing. - And for making it seem like her sons who are total like mediocre looking douchebags seem like they are fucking gods 'cause they are not. - Yeah, yeah, I would say actually my house so I failed the week would be Caroline as well for when she's trying to be considerate, but what she doesn't realize she's doing is that she's pinning her daughter against her sons by saying that her sons are handsome, but hey, Lauren's got a great personality. That's a me as a fail. - She's a nice girl, and you know what? She has a gut. Who says that on TV? - But I'm not gonna lie, she has problems. She's got a loose, she's got a belly. - She's got a loose weight. - Well, so speaking of fails, just in general, why don't we go and don't be tardy for the wedding? - Well, look you fuckers, if you're gonna start talking about Kim again, you're gonna piss me off because I love her. - Well, she's horrible. She's like, she's the American dream. She'd be stupid, be stupid, but have a decent rack and give good enough head and you'll be fine. - Yeah, and then get a McManch. - Get a bit mentioned and decorated with Ashley furniture, you know. - Then why, the three of us not own our own houses. - I don't have a wig. - Listen, I've been working hard to find a football player. - That's not being dead in my tracks, I would. (laughing) That's an argument one, thank you. - Argument one, but I just have to say, her ratings are actually good. She's at like 1.5 man viewers, which is better than the majority of everything on Bravo. So, clearly people like her. I mean, maybe you guys are hate-er-aid, but they like her. - There are some endearing, you know, there are some endearing sides to her, but then for every moment that I think that she's becoming endearing, then she has a dumb-ass momma where she doesn't even know how to use a can opener, okay? - But that's when I love her. Like, I actually love Kim Zolciak for the most part. I hate her when she gets like prom queen-y and starts picking herself seriously like this. Oh my God, a wedding that's gonna cost tens of millions of dollars and we're gonna walk across the pool. Yeah, I mean, that's totally fine. Fuck you, Kim. You don't have tens of millions of dollars, and everybody knows it. - You know, I have to say, I'm loving Ariana though, you know? She's such a sweet girl, and God bless her for having this strange love for strange blazers. She's like nine years old, and she has not done a blazer she does not wanna put on. Good for her. - I mean, I know she's like nine or 10, but we're pretty convinced she's a lesbian, right? - No, no, I actually did not think that whatsoever. - Well, a blazer is halfway to a pantsuit. - That is true, that is true. But she likes doing really good things. - But Kim, Kim is very but. - That is true, Kim is a little butch, but I also have to say I like Brielle this week and when she was saying that her mom is a disgusting pig for smoking cigarettes and then for also saying, you know, your perception of people isn't, you know, she was like, Brielle is like a 15 year old, and for some reason, like last night she took it to a new level for me and she kind of schooled her own mom. - Yeah, Brielle is saying that? - She's real. - What you said and watching? - She told, Kim started to smoke again, and Brielle was like, it's like, don't do that, you're ugly and awful, but for doing that. I also like this designer, I'm not the sign of the style, Sean, she seems cool, I like her. - No, she's awesome. I mean, I have to say the villain of the show surprisingly is not Kim. It's her crazy anorexic bird, big bird mother. - Oh god. - Look, so, watch it last night. Like the whole like story arc last night was Croix's family was coming from Montana to Atlanta to meet baby KJ for the first time. Croix's sister came with some nieces and nephews. Kim was all nervous to have them all come over to the house. And, but the other part of the show was they were gonna do a big like dress try on for the wedding. So Kim was doing this nice presentation with her designer, Sean, so that Croix's mom could try on some fancy dresses and she also invited her own mother. Her own mother fucking flaked, made Kim look terrible in front of Croix's mother. And like, they must think that, like, Kim is a hillbilly. - If only we cared. - Did they show, did they show where Kim's mother was? - I mean, that's the thing with this show. It's like, they're trying to create drama about things I don't give a shit about, you know? Like, it's just like, we sit there, we watch, you know, like, we just, or just watching, just. - Kim's mother seems like Kim Richards on Beverly Hills. She's making up excuses on the phone. Like, oh, I lost my charger. - Yeah, I put on my deodorant. - That was the excuse, Ronnie. I'm not at your house. I'm two hours late to your house because I gotta put on some deodorant. - No way. - Yes. - Really? - Yes. - Well, she also has meth face like Kim Richards, so she's probably dabbling in the dark arts. - Crazy in this order as well. So now here's my question, okay. Based on the scene where Kim literally did not know how to use a can opener, I wanna ask you this. Here's the question of the night. What things can Kim do? And I'm gonna go through a list of things, and you guys tell me if you think Kim is capable of doing this or not doing it, okay? - Okay, before we do this list, can I just say, like, I don't know how to use a can opener or cook or make beef strogan off, so I think your expectations are way too high. - Listen, I'm not mad at her, or I don't-- - Just 'cause you're a motherfucking top chef in your spare time, don't be like dogging us. - Listen, I don't mind that you can't make beef strogan off. I do mind that she does not know how to use a can opener, and like Ryan said, that's sort of like the fun of Kim, but it's ridiculous, she does know how to use a can opener. So here's my question. - Okay. - Do we think Kim can open a box of cereal? - Yes. - Yeah, with her fucking teeth. - Does she know how to turn on her windshield wipers? - Not in the new Porsche Panamera that she bought for Croy. - She knows how, she can turn 'em on, but she thinks she's making a turn. - She probably pulls on her like, or she probably pulls on her parking brake and does like a 360 on the highway by accident. - Or she calls sweetie and asks her how to do it. - I'm not a turn on my windshield wipers. Where are the hand things that go up back and forth on the thing? Where's my wa-- - Sweetie! - Does she know how to inflate a pool toy? - Yes. - Yes, she knows how to blow. - She's familiar with that. She's familiar with that. - Probably better than anybody on the block. - And is she capable of comprehending how to like, can she comprehend a merry-go-round? Does she know how to like get on it, get on the horse? No, what it's for, what's going on? - No. - Yes. - You guys are not giving her enough credit. - So you think that's-- - No. - This is a brilliant gold digger here. Do not like get it twisted. This girl has an NFL player who has a nice big fat contract and a nice big fat house. - No, she looks at that merry-go-round and she's like, I'm not going until I get my own. - I feel like she looks at it and she's like, so what's the point? It's just that it's horses going in a circle. Like, why are they doing that? And then she takes the sip of her chardonnay and you gotta love her. - Are those horses supposed to be real? I'm not stupid. - Yeah, I'm not stupid. Why aren't they talking? (laughing) - Where are they, where's the-- - When's the race over? I'm gonna put money on the red one. Why are there benches on the race? Why are there benches racing also with horses? (laughing) I don't like it. (laughing) I'm gonna go over here to the ferris wheel. (laughing) By the way, my car wheels do not look like the ferris wheel so I don't know why they call it a wheel. (laughing) - What else do you have on there? - Nothing really. (laughing) - I came up with it last second, I couldn't think of anything for me. (laughing) - That was a good one to end on 'cause you made me laugh. - Okay, but we ended it next to the laughter and I think it's time to wrap it up because we've been going for about an hour. - It is? - Remember before this podcast started when we talked about maybe making this 45 minutes? (laughing) - Yeah, not happy. - Oh well, you guys, thanks for listening and remember the moral of the story. You're never gonna get anywhere in life if you're fat. (laughing) - And you won't be rich, that's for sure. - And you're never gonna be as handsome as Caroline's kids. - Yeah, but you may have a great personality though, so look forward to that. - With a gut. (laughing) - I'm not gonna lie, y'all need to lose weight. Y'all need to lose weight. - All right, everybody, love ya. - Follow the podcast on what crap is on Twitter and you can follow Matt at Life on the M list, you can follow Ronnie at TVGasm and you can follow me at B-side blog and you can also listen to us on the SciShow Network and you can download, you can subscribe to this on iTunes which is what you should do, so that way it automatically goes into your iPad and stuff. - I can't try, I can't try cause. - All right, bye everyone. - Bye everyone. - Bye. - Bye. - If you like Watch what Crap is, you can listen ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey at wondery.com/survey. - Are you in trouble with the law? Need a lawyer who'll fight like hell to keep you out of jail? - We defend and we fight just like you'd want your own children to defend it. - Whether you're facing a drug charge, caught up on a murder wrap, accused of committing war crimes, look no further than Paul Bergrin. - All the big guys go to Bergrin cause he gets everybody off. - You name it, Paul can do it. Need to launder some money, broker a deal with a drug cartel, take out a witness? From Wondery, the makers of Doctor Death and over my dead body, comes a new series about a lawyer who broke all the rules. - Does it funny how witnesses disappear or how evidence doesn't show up or somebody doesn't testify correctly? - In order to win at all costs. - If Paul asked you to do something, it wasn't a request, it was an order. - I'm your host Brandon James Jenkins. Follow criminal attorney on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. 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