Atlanta Says Goodbye and Kathy Premieres
See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.
See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.Watch What Crappens
Real Housewives of NJ Returns
This episode is sponsored by Acorns. With all the demands on our time, investing can get put off because it doesn't seem as urgent as other priorities on the list. To invest, you gotta take time to research, bob around on different websites and apps. It can get pretty overwhelming, and that's where Acorns comes in. Acorns makes it easy to start automatically saving and investing for your future. You don't need a lot of money or expertise to invest in Acorns. In fact, you can get started with just your spare change. Acorns recommends an expert-built portfolio that fits you and your money goals, then automatically invest your money for you. - This is a really cool option to make sure you're taking care of your financial future without feeling like you're spending tons of time doing it. Head to acorns.com/crapins or download the Acorns app to start saving and investing in for your future today. - Paid non-client endorsement. Compensation provides incentive to positively promote Acorns. - Investing involves risk. Acorns advisors at LLC and SEC-registered investment advisor view important disclosures at acorns.com/crapins. - Unlock your imagination with Audible. When you listen to audio content, your mind is free to paint the scenes and feel the emotions of a great story. - Audible's extensive catalog is sure to have titles that you'll enjoy, immerse yourself in captivating tales, learn from world-renowned experts, and discover new perspectives all while multitasking or relaxing. - There's more to imagine when you listen, and one title that I've been listening to is my friend Neil J. Young's Coming Out Republican, which talks about the history of gay Republicans. It's super fascinating and super interesting. - As an Audible member, you choose one title a month to keep from their entire catalog. - New members can try Audible free for 30 days. Visit Audible.com/crapins or text Crapins to 500-500. That's Audible.com/crapins or text Crapins to 500-500. - This episode of Watch For Crapins is brought to you by Gamefly. Go to Gamefly.com/forward-ha-ha for your free 15-day trial. (upbeat music) - Hey everybody, welcome to Watch For Crapins, a sideshow network podcast dedicated to all things Bravo. My name is Matt Whitfield and joining me today to discuss the real housewives of Atlanta Reunion and the premiere of The Real Housewives of New Jersey and all that other garbage that we love on Bravo are Ben Mandelker and Ronnie Karam. Say hello boys. - Hello. - Hello. - Hello. - Hello. - Thanks for having me back, I've been MIA. - I know, where did you retire to? - I was summering early in the Hamptons with Kelly Killer and Ben Samone. - Oh, wow. - Oh, speaking of that dumb hole, I was just at Barnes and Noble today and they have a huge banner because she's gonna be there live. - What? - I'm promoting her new book, which is something like, I can make you hot, I think it's called, how to do, how do you like supermodel? - I need it, when is she gonna be there? - I won't go 'cause she has more of a man face than I do. I'll feel too effeminate. - I would like to go just because I feel like it will be, that there surely will be some sort of reading from the book and it'll be so surreal because you know that none of the senses will actually make any sense. It'll be like-- - Well, she can't, she can't. - That is, and more data is in whatever it's called. - We might need to do a podcast from the Barnes and Noble. - I know, that would be hilarious. Could you imagine if we actually just set up shop and we were just sort of podcasting while she's trying to read? - Why not, Ronnie, is the Barnes and Noble at the Grove? - Yeah. - Is there any other? I think that's like the only bookstore left in Los Angeles because of my name. - That's true, and they don't sell books anymore. - If they don't sell books, it's just so Tori Spellen can go hawker to latest, or latest novel. Anyway-- - Oh, probably. It's got a last story. - But anyway, Kelly will be back in our lives, and I think we should go talk to us so we can hear it say, "Shh, shh, close your eyes." - Close your eyes. - Close your eyes. (laughing) - You guys, this is just bullying right here, and it's not cool. - Yeah, this is the internet bullying. Yeah, this is systematic. - Satchel's a gold. - Stop it. - Satchel's a gold. Let's do some sand angels. Wait, you're up here, and I'm down. I'm up here, and you're down here. - I'll stop it over there. All right, that bitch is expired. Let's move on to some housewives who are still in our lives. - Okay. - Well, actually, before we even get to that, we have to make an announcement, and I don't wanna save it to the end of the show, 'cause that's what we did last week, 'cause we forgot. On Monday, April 30th, we will be doing this. Watch what Crapin's live in front of a live studio audience at the Improv Olympic, 7.30 PM. And if you're in the LA area, come and see us. We're basically gonna set up shop, and we're just gonna do what we're doing now with maybe a few other little things. And we'll have an audience there, and it'll be really fun, so everyone come to that. And if you want information about that, follow what Crapin's, our Twitter handle, and we'll tweet out information when it starts and all that fun stuff. - And just to be clear, I am not a stand-up comedian. Just putting that out there. - You could've fooled me. - Could've fooled you. - Whoa, we're not doing stand-up comedy work. - We're not doing stand-up. - We're just gonna sit around. It's gonna be like this, except we'll have to look at each other, and we'll have big martinis in front of us. - Oh, God, I prefer the privacy of my own home, or I can be naked while I podcast. - It'll be-- - Well, we can video you in. - Yeah, it'll be really fun. I think I'm actually really looking forward to it. I think it'll be fun to have some people there, and you'll hear chuckles in the background, and et cetera. Hopefully chuckles, hopefully chuckles. - Well, just to let you guys know. - Yeah, I'm gonna be wearing all black because she by Shiree Whitfield announced just last week, at the very end of last week, that she is officially leaving the Real Housewives of Atlanta and Bravo confirmed it. - Ooh, but did we find out whether or not she's been fired? - Well, in the past, you know, when these people leave, I always, 'cause I'm a horrible person, I automatically assume that they're fired, but I'm not so sure about this one. I'm kind of leaning towards fired because she no longer has any money, but none of these housewives have any money. - Yeah, I think she was probably fired because there's nothing really interesting going on in her life anymore, you know, I mean, although I personally have a great personal investment in she by Shiree, but I may be just the exception to the rule, to be honest. - But why would you keep Cynthia-- - Why would you keep Cynthia-- - Why would she keep all those boring lame ladies and get rid of the crazy bits? - I'm not convinced that Cynthia is gonna be around for the next season. I mean, I'm honestly, right now, I kind of think that Nini clearly, you know, we'll get to the reunion in a second, but she was just over it. So I think that she's gone and you can't have Cynthia there without Nini. And to be honest with you, with Shiree leaving, I just think that we're gonna be down to Kim, Candy, and Phaedra, and that's it. - Well, that's all right, because you know what, like, Kim, Candy, and Phaedra are holding up their own. And you know, I had a sense, you had a sense that Shiree was gonna be gone because during the third part of the reunion that aired on Sunday night, they showed like a best of Shiree's fights. It was like the strange retrospective of her from season one. And I was like, is this like their farewell? - They did that with a couple of the ladies where they did the retrospective and they kind of worried me for all of them. They did it with Kim, they did it with Nini, they did it with Shiree. - Well, maybe it was someone's cruel joke to show you how much their faces have all changed because they have actually quite quite a bit. - Well, look at Kim, Kim's wigs have got, well, her wigs are so much better. - Yeah, and her makeup too, I'd like to end it. - Good for her. - But her nose or something, she's had stuff on her face. I mean, I guess they've-- - The nose, the lips, right. - Yeah, the nose, lips, the boobs. It's all, things have either gotten bigger or smaller, but nothing stayed the same, that's for sure. - Okay, before we fully jump up into this Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion, what else do we wanna discuss from Gossip Land? - Okay, so I literally, just moments before this podcast started, I was on the internet as I am want to do. And on Jezebel, they have this very crazy headline from two hours ago where they say, "Real Housewives Simon Van Kempen ejaculated on his wife "while she gave birth to their son." - Ew, wow. - Who wants to hear more? - Me, me, me. - Okay, so-- - Well, maybe it's because he finally got to look at her busy island and see if he knows. - You're sounding like a robot, Ronnie. - You're robotic, how? - You sound like a robot and you're laughing maniacally, which makes you sound like an evil robot. - That was God with the lie in my living mentor. - What's going on with you over there? - Okay, we need to edit this shit, hold on. - No, no, no, just unplug your microphone and plug it back in. And in the meantime, in the meantime, I'm gonna read this paragraph that Jezebel has. So this is, I guess, it came from their book, Little Kids, Big City or something like that. Okay, this was Alex writing. Once he was finally out of my body, I experienced a tsunami of endorphins that was almost orgasmic. And I understand completely the stories other women have written about ecstatic birth. Simon was sitting behind me at the point of birth and later when we untangled ourselves, he discovered he'd actually ejaculated though hadn't felt any of the normal lead up to that. It may seem distasteful to some and definitely neither of us was thinking of sex at the time, but with the rush of emotion and my lower nerve endings going crazy, it's not too far a stretch to say that it's a profound experience. - Boom, boom. (laughing) - Yeah. - You know, remember, you know what, Ronnie, remember last week, I said I was gonna try to get Alex onto the podcast, follow up, I didn't make any single effort. And I almost wish that she was on this because I wish she could clarify this for us because why would like-- - What kind of clarity do you need? Did she mince her words? Because I think we got what she was saying. - Well, maybe she's covering up, maybe like Simon gets really off on birth again. Maybe it's just like-- - Oh, God. - Maybe it's just like jerking off behind-- - What a hairy gay guy. - He's like coming all over your back while you're trying to have a baby. That is disgusting. - He's like, oh, I didn't realize. Yes, I didn't realize I was not masturbating behind you. - Sorry, darling, I had nothing to do with sex. Maybe it was your nerve endings, Dad. - Oh, man, I feel like it probably is a very profound and ecstatic experience, but I don't think I'd wanna have some splooge on my back after it was over. - Oh, my, and what is it? It's not sexual, like men just randomly come. I've never heard of that. - I have never heard of a man. I've heard of, okay, sympathy pregnancies or sympathy baby weight or whatever, but I've not heard of sympathy splooging. - Oh, my God. - Oh, man, do we still have any listeners left? So come to our live show and hear stories like this and more. (laughing) Matt is curiously silent over there, by the way. - I'm fucking traumatized. Can I please have a minute? (laughing) - Okay, well, he's having his own ecstatic moment in the corner. - Maybe that's what they do in Brooklyn. - That's the way they take care of things in Brooklyn. It's very artistic thing. So who else has nightmares? - Well, I just wanna say before we move on, like that is just another prime example of why I am very nervous about the upcoming season of New York and the fact that they got rid of TV gems like Simon and Alex. - I agree. I agree. Although they do have a one-legged lady and you know, that's always hilarious. (laughing) - That was a total silence. It was a joke, people. - I think we're just too disturbed. - We're just too disturbed. - All right, we'll talk to you guys next week. (laughing) - I just, I just, nevermind. I was almost gonna make a raunchy joke, but I didn't have the proper phrasing. I just would have been even more awkward. (laughing) - You can't save those. You gotta give it to us. - No, I was gonna make, I was gonna try to make some joke how I metaphorically-- - It's gonna be like Linda McCartney. - It's like how I metaphorically splooged on the back of humor. But, see? I was trying to spare you from that joke and you coasted out of me. - No, it's okay. I'd like to embarrass you. - Wait, listen. - All right, so let's move on to Housewives. - Wait. - At land to shall we? - No. - Because there was still not an hour. - We shall not move on to that 'cause there's one other piece of gossip we have to talk about. - Ooh, what is it? - Well, it's more of news than gossip, but we had the premiere of The Kathy Show this week. What did you guys think? Did you guys check it out? Did you see it? What's the haps? - Yeah, it was pretty cute. Did you guys like it? - Yeah, I thought it was cute. It was surprisingly cute. - God, listen to us. - Okay, look, you guys sound like-- - We're talking like the Real Housewives of Orange County. - Thank you. - That's all they know how to say. - Yeah. - Yeah. - But everything is cute. - Yeah, but honestly, that's what-- - And at the same time, cute in their book is a negative. So I don't wanna say that Kathy Show was cute 'cause I actually enjoyed it. - I enjoyed it too, but when I said it was surprisingly just cute, I mean, that's sort of what it was. There was something sort of like, you know, the theme song was like this retro 50s kind of thing and just like gabbing and it was like, you know, it was fun. It was like, it wasn't like the crazy edgy thing that I think maybe a lot of people would have thought, but I'm-- - They're still trying to get their sea legs, obviously, with the show. - Yeah, I agree. - And I don't think that they know exactly what they're doing, which is fine. - Yes. - The only real criticism I had, and I cannot believe I'm gonna say this because hello, my Twitter handle is life on the endless. I'm obsessed with her, but I kind of felt that it was long. - Yes, you know what? I agree. I kind of felt like it could have been a half an hour. - Ding, ding, ding. - It was an hour? - Yeah. - Well, because you know what? She started off with some standup at the top, which was good. And then she has a panel of people, including our friend Michelle. Michelle, this guy Greg, who I actually also know, and then this other girl, I forgot her name. She was sort of very sweet in the Southern. And the panel was good, and then the panel wraps up, and then there was a video, and the video is okay, and then she talked with her PAs, and that was sort of awkward, and then her mom came out. I felt like once the panel was gone, I felt like the show floundered a little bit, you know? - Yeah, and I mean, like this coming week, I don't need to know more about her PAs. Like, she interviewed him, and part of that was kind of funny, but then I didn't need the PAs to sit on the couch, and you know, drag that out for lunch. - But it wasn't, by any means, it wasn't like awful. You know, it was like good, but you know what though? With these sort of shows, they tried different things, and it's like our podcast, one day it was some day, get a voice of its own. - It just needs to be a little faster, because, you know, with that, I mean, yes, it was taped, but it was taped in front of a live audience. Just felt like it needed to work on its pacing, but other than that, the content was great. Michelle was the best part of the damn show, and I like that Kathy starts with a little standup. I think it's a good concept. - I think it'll hit its rhythm. I think it has a lot of potential. I'm happy that it's there. I think it's a nice counterpoint to watch what happens. - Look, when watch what happens started, it was a hot disaster, and it's starting to get there again, but for a good nine months, it was awesome. And so just give Kathy a few more weeks. - It was? (laughing) - Well, maybe. - I think it's, it's like it started as a hot mess, and it's continued to be a hot mess, but maybe slightly less of a hot mess, but it's still a hot mess. I think that's kind of, it's become a signature thing. So, all right, well, good. So we all talked about that, and I'm sure Ronnie, you agree with everything we're saying. - Well, I only watched like 10 minutes of it, 'cause it was kind of awkward. - I like Kathy Griffin because she's so ballsy, but she's got this nervous side to her too, you know, where she gets like, I guess everybody does, but. - No, but she was clearly nervous. - Yeah, so wear hers on her sleeve, you know? And it's almost like seeing your favorite bully at school, just feeling insecure. I don't like it. I mean, I want to see my bully with a big old baseball bat with spikes at the end of it, ready to bloody everybody up on the field. - Okay, that's the thing, people nervous. - Well, that will be me on Monday. - Well, yeah, guys, by the way, you should all come to this podcast live just because it'll be hilarious to see Matt shaking like a leaf at the end of the table. - Normally I'm a bully, and now I'm going to shrivel up and die. - He is going to, he will be very flustered, and it'll be worth it. But we'll get some skinny girl margaritas into him, and soon he'll be, you know, dancing on table tops, and being crazy, much like those Real Housewives of New Jersey are. - So the Real Housewives of New Jersey, we started right where we left off last season. - Yes, now this, by the way, so the timeline for this season of Real Housewives of New Jersey is a very curious thing, don't we think, because it starts off with last season's reunion, which was in September, and then it says four months earlier, so now we're back into May, and May was when season three started to air, so this is all going to go on while we were watching, you know? So they're going through season three while we're watching season four, and I think it's going to make for some weird inception shit. - Yeah, because they're actually watching themselves while they're filming, which usually it overlaps, I think, like a month, or something like that, like two weeks to a month, so now they're actually being able to watch the entire season while they're filming this entire season, and that's why I think it seems, at least to me, it seems kind of unfair, I mean, I'm like, why are you so mad again? Like she said, she's sorry, why are you so mad? And it's because they're seeing each other talk shit about each other. - Yes, and it's someone-- - But don't you think that's great though? Because in all ways, we typically have like a five, six, seven month, if not way more than that, layoff in between seasons. Look, I mean, New York is going to have been off the air for over a year by the time it comes back in June, but the fact that Jersey last season was so explosive, I think it was a great idea, just keep the production going, and even if they are watching that last season while they're taping the current season, and it makes them extra crazy and evil, we benefit. We certainly do, and as someone tweeted to me today, I totally forgot about this whole conspiracy theory, which is that the real reason Caroline and others are so mad at Teresa is 'cause Teresa started that brawl down in the Dominican Republic, and we totally forgotten about that. But-- - Is Bravo gonna forget about that? Because we need to have that brought up on the show. - Well, the thing is that Bravo's ignoring it because I think Bravo's being sued, so-- - Right, they didn't show that, right? - No, they never showed it. - No, they never did. - And so the thing is, I think it's a combination of these people are gonna be watching the season three air as gonna rehash all their issues, and then there's this other stuff, and then there's the cookbook, and it's all gonna go to-- - Well, I heard that they all hate Teresa because of this fashion show at Posh that's coming up. - Because she supposedly got in touch with Melissa's ex Posh. - Oh, the stripper guy, like Pimp Guy at the strip club, and told him to come, and then he confronts her, and he's like, "Hey, you remember me?" And she's like, "Oh, I just want to be here for you, Melissa," but supposedly she called him and had him come. - What a disaster, I'm so excited. - What is happening with Juicy, first of all, gross, put on some clothes? I mean, that guy gets more disgusting by the season, and they didn't even take a break. How can he be that more disgusting? - Yeah, it used to be that he was like muscular by a little puffy, and it was sort of more on the husky side, but it was like, "Okay, now it's really looking like a stay-puff marshmallow man with a tan." - That's not stopping him from getting lots of poon from the ladies that he's working with on the Jersey Shore. - Well, this whole thing with Joe, could he be more of a low life? I mean, I know that's not always true whenever there's smoke, there's fire, but I really feel like there's a friggin' bonfire going on over here with this smoke. There's so much smoke. - It doesn't seem to really be denying it. I haven't heard him deny it once. I mean, when Teresa was talking to him about it, she's like, "Oh, I want to talk." You know, there's all this stuff about the affairs, and he's like, "Yeah, so what are you gonna do?" "What are you gonna do?" "What are you gonna say?" "What are they gonna say?" "I mean, whatever." - Whatever life you chose, Teresa. - Okay, excuse me, do you know what is so fucked up, and I'm sorry, the fact that they are driving to the beach with their children in the backseat of the car, and he's admitting to having multiple affairs in front of their daughters. - No, all he said was that he went out. - He did it. - Yeah, he always said that she said what you do last, and I said, "I went out with a girl, "and this person, and this person." And then she goes like, "A girl, a girl, daddy. "Really? What's I have a girl, daddy? "You should be going out with girls." Stuff like that. - And he's like, "Shut up, my girl business." - And by the way, so, Gia, okay, first of all, I don't think a father or any parent should ever tell their kid to shut up. I know you may want to, but I think it's, and you know me, I hate kids, okay? And I want them to shut up all the time, but it's just not a smart thing to say, "Hey, shut up." It's just mean, you know? - It's better to hit them. - Yeah, exactly. - It's so much more efficient. - It's better to just tape their mouth shut. - Actions speak louder than words. No, but the thing is this, this girl, first of all, you can tell she's totally becoming a mini Teresa, and you can tell that Teresa tells her things that she shouldn't be telling her, and it also sucks that she's also put in this position where she has to read all this shit in the tabloids or whatever. - Well what about midget Joe, saying, you know, Teresa puts these articles out, blah, blah, blah. Like Teresa runs these magazines. They really give her a lot of credit. - Well no, but she offers up the stories. - Yeah, I mean, and look, she needs to pay the bills because Joe's not going to work, so if somebody's gonna give her a 30K for a trashy story, she's putting it out there. - And by the way, what idiot Joe Judas is, or a Judiche, for going to the DMV and trying to get a license using his brother's documents, I mean, I mean, this guy is not making his life any easier. - Ben, you're sitting there assuming that he's not retarded. - This is true, this is true, because the truth is he's actually very retarded. - There's something wrong with that guy. It's, it's just, but you know what, the whole cast, like, do I really need to hear about every single one of your sex life? I do not want to know Kathy Wokeely and her nasty ass, that's how it's been, her doing him bed. I don't want to see them packing their warming. KY Deli is disgusting. - I am very interested to know what Rosie's sex life is. That's all I got to say. - Well, she lives with her mother, so clearly there's not much going on. - I love Rosie, and I love that Bravo has already put her front and center as a supporting character this season, you know? - They better, finally, she's so funny. - Yeah. - And Andy did a special tribute to her on Watch What Happens Live last night, so it's happening. - Good, good. - Oh, you know what, I was thinking about it, Real Housewives of New Jersey has such a huge supporting cast, 'cause they all have huge families, and so you have, like, all the kids, there are tons of kids, and then the older kids have boyfriends, and then there's gay best friends, and then there's girlfriends, and then you have-- - Posh. - You have posh, you have a whole variety of Kims, okay? You have a full spectrum of Kims that hang around. - You have Ashley's dad and his new wife. - Yeah, and you have Ashley, and who we'll get to in one moment. We also have, you know, Melissa, she has a whole, like, there's all her sisters, and they're brothers, and they're all mad at Joe. - And Kathy's mom. - There are tons of mothers hanging around in in-laws. I mean, this is, like, honestly, this is as rich of a tableau of Italian-American life as you can get. This might even go beyond the sopranos. (laughing) - Okay, we have so much to discuss. We need to start whipping through this. Okay, let's start with the thing that-- - Ashley. - No, it's last night, Ashley's new lips, go. - Porn star, porn star alert. - Oh, God, she wishes she probably couldn't even get laid in a porn. - Well, what do you think the name of her porn would be? - Probably something about, like-- - Can I borrow $20 to make you all her? - Can you pick me up at the bus station? - My mom's a bitch. (laughing) - I'm such a bitch. - What a bitch. - Now, I have to say, do you think if she didn't have those stupid porn star lips, that she could pull off the new hair color? - No. - I mean, first of all, you're like, in the first day of taping, get your roots done. - Really? - Why are you showing up like that? - Why are you showing up like that? - That is the case thing you have ever said and I loved it. - But it's true. I mean, look at this, get your roots done. - Oh, my God. - She honestly looks like she's really about to bend over and have a dildo rammed right up her, because, I mean, she could not look more porn star if she tried. - She could borrow some from-- - Candy. - Joe and Melissa. - Oh, yes. - She didn't even hear. Wasn't she moving to L.A. or something? - What happened to that? - She did move to L.A. because my friend John saw her at CVS. Oh, saw her at CVS. And she was arguing with a guy about, they were saying, like, she was trying to make a gift card work and they were not taking it. And my friend was like, "Spying and watching the whole thing." 'Cause that's-- - You can't use gift cards on birth control pills and Gatorade. - First of all, why does she have a CVS gift card? Like, who's she hanging out with? This is the birthday gift they give her, you know? - It's probably from Caroline. - I was just gonna say, if Jacqueline and Caroline gave her that, like, good luck in L.A., here's a $50 CVS card, bitch. - Whatever, so probably-- - She's probably doing pornos, and they only pay her in CVS cards, so we should get some modest at seven. - No, she'd be that girl in the porno that they're like, "Look, we just need someone to be an extra." You're just in the restaurant, okay? - Oh, gosh, you know-- - She is perfect for porn because she has dead eyes. - As she's an idiot. - She doesn't have dead eyes. So you guys, what happened to that? So why is she back in Jersey? Why is she living with them again? - I think she has, okay, now remember, again, this was in May, and my friend saw her in September, in L.A. around September, so she hasn't moved quite yet, but they're kicking her out, so that's good. And by the way, why would she ever complain about be kicked out to Vegas? I mean-- - Why would they kick her out to Vegas? Okay, you're a dollar-- - You want to remember me, you just two sentences before said is desperate for attention. - And all she does is choose, and parting all the time, and dressing like a porn star, and so you centered to Vegas? - I love that. Those are the sort of wise decisions that made Ashley the girl she is today. - I actually don't think that Chris gives a fuck. I think he's finally on board with Jacqueline. Jacqueline, by the way, her biological mother, who's like, "I don't care if you die in the gutter, goodbye." - Meanwhile, they just clearly see that she has a future in porn, so why not centered to Vegas to get her started? - Well, I think that Chris remembers that he found the love of his life there as a stripper, and so he's just thinking, you know, maybe if Ashley goes out there and strips for a while, so finds someone to take care of her, and I won't fucking have to anymore. - Yeah, he won't have to put the bill anymore, because, you know what, he clearly loves Jacqueline, and they're two sons, and-- - My gosh, guys, I just totally figured it out. He wants her to be a stripper. - Oh, yes. You know, my friend Jenny made a very good point when we were watching last night, which is that sad as I feel bad saying this, but there's not a huge amount of difference between Ashley and Lauren. You know, Lauren Manzo, she lives at home, she has not a huge career going on with her so far. The only difference is that she seems like she's, you know, somewhat bright, but is that kind of sad for Lauren, too? I mean, maybe Lauren should also start thinking about moving to Vegas. - Well, we don't know how Lauren's makeup business is really doing-- - Face. - Face by Lauren Manzo. - And we don't know if she's still with her big boyfriend whose family was the deli. - I think they are so together. He was in the coming attractions for the season. - Thank God. - Here's what I know, that girl cares way too much about her mother's friends. - Yes, exactly. - I mean, we're going speed walking and all she wants to do the whole show is talk shit about Teresa, like, okay, yes, Teresa's a monster and she's a horrible person, but you guys, don't you have anything else to talk about? You're really gonna talk about one line in Teresa's terrible cookbook that she probably didn't even write. - That's the thing with Lauren. I mean, she seems like a nice girl. And she's already-- - The 23 going on 53. - Yeah, she seems like she's just totally wrapped up in her mom's life and she kinda seems like she doesn't really have a life. She's like, tries to hang out with her brothers. I mean, I think she has like a friend or two, but-- - I don't know about that. Her dad doesn't want her at the brownstone, like, I mean, she does-- - Like, it's one of these quiet things that like, I feel like no one truly has shown a light on Lauren and been like, what's going on with you, lady? I mean, the-- - She and Ashley need to have a spin-off where they moved to Vegas. - Yeah, it'd be called, like, Ash and Laura. I don't know, well, I'll work on that. I'll work on that, please, please work on that. - That's gonna need a little finessing. - Yeah, I feel like, but you know what, it'd be the entire time it'd be Ashley getting wasted at, like, Trist, and then Lauren showing up and having to wipe the vomit off her chin and try to, and like, have to put her into a cab. - And complaining about being fat or something. - And then she called up her mom and be like, you know what happened next? Like, I mean, Lauren is honestly one step away from having curlers in her hair and a giant mumu and gossiping on the phone with all the other ladies. - And to be honest with you, like, I think that it would not be a bravo spin-off, it would easily become one of those MTV True Life specials about, like, young girls getting eaten up at live in Vegas. - Be great. But I like Lauren, though, I like all the manzo kids, 'cause they do feel like they have heads on their shoulders, I just feel like-- - Oh, no, no, no. I just feel like Lauren is just not using the head on her. - We are, okay, I've been gone for two weeks, we're fighting now, here we go. Stop trying to pimp me on water that is black, 'cause I'm not drinking it. (laughing) - That is the dumbest ass idea. - Yeah, I actually Googled that before the show. - I didn't say they had business savvy, I just said they would-- - She was wearing the shirt and then Jacqueline was carrying a bottle of it, it looks like fucking slush. - Oh, wait a second, was that what that shirt was for? 'Cause I was looking at it afterwards, I was like, got black, I was like, does Lauren have a thing for black guys now? Like, that's, I was like, I am not even joking, I am not even joking. - I'm not stepping on your territory, Ben, you can have all the black men you want, she was promoting her brother's water line. - All right, so, okay, there's an example of, okay, I didn't say that they have business savvy, I just said they have heads on their shoulders in terms of like, you know, being like good people. Yeah, they definitely have terrible business savvy if they are selling black water, and then on top of that, their t-shirt to sell the black water made me think that she was just trying to pour herself out to black guys. - Well, I wish she was, I mean, God bless her, I wish she would be bold enough to be walking around with this shirt that's like, come on, black guys, bring it all! - And you know, I think she would actually kind of be a hit with some black guys. She's got some booty on her. - Yeah, I don't know that she has a fader of a donk. - She should go to Patterson, New Jersey, and try to pick up Victor Cruz, who's from Patterson, also home of Teresa. Sorry, tangent, I know way too much about certain things. - So let's talk about Teresa. I know that, you know, we've seen pretty much every reason that they hate her and they're mad at her, but I think that she's really playing it smart because she's starting to fall into that victim category where you automatically have to like somebody on a reality show because everyone else is beating up on them. And she's very easily falling into that already because now we've all seen her on Celebrity Apprentice and she's actually not a crazy bitch at all. - Well, I think she wins Celebrity Apprentice. I know we still have like six weeks left, but I have a feeling that she makes it to the finest. - She cannot win it, I'm sorry. Here's the thing, here's the thing. On Celebrity Apprentice, I think she's like a little intimidated by Donald Trump. She sort of feels like she's out of her league, so she keeps her mouth shut. But you know what though, you know, for any moment you might be feeling bad for Teresa. Just look at the way she tried to explain to Caroline what she wrote in the cookbook. And she's like, yeah, they're jokes is. That's all, it's like, ha ha, funny, if anything, I feel bad that you don't get my humor after four years. I mean, come on, give me a break. - Look, she's a horrible and disgusting, but clear, like if Caroline is really upset about what she put in the book, Caroline needs to get herself her own damn life because that is just dumb as shit. - Well, no, I think it's gonna get worse. It clearly has to get worse because-- - The cookbook is lame and anybody that believes or buys it or anything is stupid. - They're all trying to be above the cookbook. They've all said so in last night's episode. Clearly, things get worse and I'm excited. I'm very excited. Speaking of things getting worse, Dina, the situation when Dina's bad, it looks like Dina's coming back. - Thank God, I love me some Dina and the hairless cow. - Looks like we have an argument with Dina. It looks like we have an argument with Kim from Posh, who's always a lovely addition. Her hair is longer now, she got rid of her hair fangs, it looks like. She's got fucking magic and you're gay. - Oh, that's gonna be so good. And I love the coming previews where Melissa says, Joey's not gay, right? (laughing) And then you see a picture of him dancing like on a stage with a shirtless man. - I think he's looking good. - He's looking good. - I think Joey Gorga's looking good. - You guys are crazy. - What? - He's totally hot. - He like buffed up a little bit more, he looks good. - And I love a short man. I just love the insecurity of a short man. Those bossy little things. Like you just flip 'em all in the forehead, put 'em in their place. - Yeah, I just, while we're speaking of him, I just think it is so, and I know that we already talked about Kathy Waukeli's vagina lube, but it really disturbs me when they're playing with their son in the walk-in closet and he starts pulling out a bag of sex toys and like, poor Melissa's like, it's a cat toy, it's for the kitty, it's for the kitty. And it's like, it's for the pussy. - Was that not creepy? Or do you play it with your sex toys in front of your children? - It's totally disturbing. Everything about their sex lives. I don't want to know about their sex lives. It's grown. - All of them are over-sharers. Like last season when Teresa pulled out Joe's cockering that had the vibrator on it. - Oh, stop. - And then she started yelling to like her in-law. She started yelling to Joe in front of like her in-laws. Like, hey Joe, I'm a good blower, aren't I? I'm a good blower. - It's like once. - Did you guys ever watch the Gary Stanley? And so I know this is really old, but Gary Stanley said, you know I hate going to malls because you have to see ugly people kissing. Dear ugly people, please stop doing that. I don't want to see that. I don't need to see that. - And every bed that Joe walks by, he has to jump on it to make sure that it's like soundproof so that he can screw his wife and the kids down here. Every bed. - I don't know. I think if there could be no better advertisement for birth control or abstinence than Melania because that girl, that girl is six years old now and she's still acting like she's in her terrible twos. She put chalk all over her face. She looked like the little boy from the garage but was twice as scary. - That was hilarious. And my kids are like, my kids are worried about wrinkles. (laughing) I'm like, that was so foul to me. The chalk on her face. And then she sat on Gia. - No, she sat that rat out. That rat got scared and ran away. - Oh God, the rat probably died. - What happened to the rat? And then Teresa says, the mouse is ate it. Really? Come on now. - The mouse is with the ingredients in the coming. - Yes. - I don't know. I just wonder how many times Melania's gonna stick her stanky little ass in the salad with play at the supermarket this week. (laughing) - What about Melania getting that chalk and making a hopscotch thing in the middle of the street? - Yeah, I'm super hot. (laughing) - Unsupervised. - Yeah, I was like, and Teresa's like, oh, they have so much fun here. (laughing) And their dumpy little house. - That house is a shithole. - Shithole. You know what though, Kathy's rented house or her friend's house was very cute. - Well, Kathy does it right. - Kathy does everything right. I'm surprised she wasn't saying just in a giant canole out on the water, you know? (laughing) A canole with bedrooms. (laughing) That she cooked herself. (buzzing) Rosie's out on Hammond. - On that bikini was frightening though. She's like, oh, you gotta have leopard, it's the shore. (laughing) And please do not put on those bikini bottoms, please. - Oh, my, the cottage cheese will be delicious. - I just love the, I just love the compare and contrast of like with the New York City women. Like they're summer rituals of going to the Hamptons and like seeing the way they set up shop there. - I want to put the phone up. - It's her $20 million house and then you see-- - Like the disparity is hilarious. Like hey, I don't have, I don't, I don't begrudge these guys by having small little places. But it's just that that Theresa's was not just small. It just looked like a dump. - Yeah, it was, it was pretty sad. - Should we, should we move on to Atlanta? Is there any of us that have to say about New Jersey? - Is there anything else that happened in Jersey? Cookbooks, batting list. Okay, yeah, let's move on. - Okay, good. So we had two episodes of reunion this week. The second one didn't even record for me. I had to go set it manually. I was very upset about that. And it was just more of the same, you know? Marlow came on, acted like the tranny that she is, called everyone a whore, told people to measure their holes, all that kind of stuff. (laughing) It's good times. She got candy real mad. She got candy real mad. So here's what I don't like. - Well, I was the first getting candy that upset, that was the first. And I think Marlow might actually have a shot next year because no one's brought that out of candy yet. And they have tried so hard. And they finally got her to get nasty. - Yeah. - And candy's sitting on the couch and she's going like, look, I was trying to be all nice, but you're making me go there. And then she just unleashed. It was amazing. - Yeah, well, 'cause Marlow's one of those annoying people that she was like, oh, so I hear your sugar, Marlow. Oh, was your guy, does he have a job? Does he have a job? - He has a range, Rover. - Yeah, candy gets mad at this insinuation. Then Marlow's like, oh, I guess I got you mad. I guess I touched on a nerve. It's like, no, you didn't touch on a nerve. You're just being stupid. And she's sick of dealing with your stupidity. - I just love how every defense is. He has a Range Rover because I'm just gonna start saying that now. - Well, it's an important fact to know. I mean, I think it should be brought up at the presidential debates, you know? Like, quite frankly, like if Mitt Romney comes up Barack Obama, he'll be like, I have a Range Rover, you know? - And President. - And President. - And we'll all vote for him. - Yeah. - Yeah, candy and her Range Rover thing, you know, she is dating someone on the Bravo show, which is, I guess, this kind of tacky, but who cares? I think it's way tackier that she's wearing Spanx as an outfit. - Yeah, I noticed I noticed that. What was that about? - We've, I mean, the hair was terrible. - Whatever. It was worth it to have her, to have her get so mad that she said, I'll take care of all y'all if I want, but I'm not going. - That's when she got nasty. I mean, when everybody else says you're so rich, that's one thing. But when you say it about yourself, you've just turned into an asshole. - Yeah, no, but it was deserved. I was like, good for you, candy. You say it. You could take care of me any day. You can call me a hoe, I don't care. - She didn't call them hoes. I mean, like, you just gave like the G-rated version of what she said. She was like, I'll take care of all y'all motherfuckers. - Yeah, that's right. I just thought it's all-- - She did call Marlo a hoe. She did call Marlo a hoe. She was like, you're obviously an escort. I mean, everybody knows you're an escort. And then Marlo's trying to back her off and she's like, whatever hoe. - Yeah, whatever hoe. - I love it. I love the one candy turned street. - Oh, it's great. - Yeah, it was pretty good. - Yeah. - What about Kim still lying about every little thing? - Don't get me started 'cause I'm gonna defend her. - All right. - How could you? She's such a compulsive liar. And I love the who's a bigger whore fight between her and Marlo. That was the-- - Marlo is a bigger whore. - No, how so? They're the same. They are exactly the same. - They are the same. - The same happens to have won a house and a man, but what's the diff? She does the same-- - Kim was in a four and a half year relationship with Big Papa. And yes, you are allowed to date people after they have separated from their spouse, even if the paperwork and the ink is not on the official-- - I don't think it's about the infidelity. I think it's about the fact that Big Papa basically was buying that relationship. - Ready to pop the question? And take advantage of 30% off? The jewelers at blunile.com have got sparkled down to a science with beautiful lab-grown diamonds worthy of your most brilliant moments. Their lab-grown diamonds are independently graded and guaranteed identical to natural diamonds. And they're ready to ship to your door. Go to blunile.com to get 30% off. Select lab-grown diamonds. That's blunile.com for 30% off lab-grown diamonds. Blunile.com. - Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. With the price of just about everything going up during inflation, we thought we'd bring our prices down. So to help us, we brought in a reverse auctioneer, which is apparently a thing. - Mint Mobile unlimited, premium wireless! - Get 30, 30, 30, 30, 30, get 20, 20, 20, 20, 20, get 15, 15, 15, 15, just 15 bucks a month, so-- - Give it a try at mintmobile.com/switch. - $45 up from payment equivalent to $15 per month. New customers on first three month plan only. Taxes and fees extra. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes of detail. - Yeah, he's like some midget Indian guy. - Okay, excuse me. She has two babies from two baby daddies. She's a young mother. She's kind of white trash. She needs to get her money somewhere. So if she has to go like shake it for an old Indian man in order to get her babies a roof over their heads, so be it. - So are you saying that? So Marlo is maybe a bigger hoe because-- - Marlo's a bigger hoe because she's just trying to get her to ask some more shoes. Kim had to provide for two babies. - I don't think Kim was using those diamonds to pay for the Chick-fil-A's that she was stuffin' Brielle with. (laughing) Last time I checked those diamonds were still on her finger. She didn't take it to any sort of jewelry exchange. - That was really funny, but Ariana's the one with the Chick-fil-A problem. - I am not saying anything about Ariana 'cause she's a sweetheart and she's one of the few like unfettered innocent souls in this entire franchise. So I am not gonna say anything mean about her 'cause she actually has nice instincts unlike Brielle. - What about Cynthia turning into a total C word in this one? - She has been, and guess what? I'm glad they didn't call her out. - Cynthia did have a point. I mean, she was basically telling Kim you were still a mistress no matter what you say. - That is fucked up and I don't understand why these women are trying to hate on each other. Guess what? She is not a home wrecker just 'cause she's dating a dude who's in the process of getting a divorce. Guess what? Maybe he was in a loveless marriage 'cause maybe the other woman that Big Papa used to be married to didn't wanna be with him either. So why does that mean Cynthia needs to get up in her business? Because stupid bitch Cynthia leases her shitty car and her house and she has a shit modeling agency and a dumb fucking husband. - She is a fashion mogul. She's a fashion mogul of the family talent agency. - She doesn't care about labels, okay, Matt? - I will bet you a hundred dollars that her agency is gone within the next 12 months. - Well, that presumes that ever was a legitimate agency. I guarantee they never filled out the proper paperwork and they're probably squatting in someone's storefront. (laughing) It's probably like a BB that went out of business. (laughing) - More like a subway or something like that. - More like tags. - I think the thing that was so sad about that argument is that Cynthia was only making that argument to stick up for Nini and saying that Nini wasn't doing anything wrong by dating someone when she was separated. It's like Cynthia, get your own fights, get your own life. And whenever they called her on jumping on Nini's side for everything, she's like, listen, I'm not just on Nini's side because I'm on Nini's side. I'm on Nini's side because I'm on Nini's side, okay, bitch? - Exactly. - You even know how to make a sentence. Form a sentence. - I'm gonna tell you this, she's dumber than Cheray. She's the dumbest of them all. - Who said Cheray was dumb? Who said that? - Ronnie. - Who said that? - I know, I would never. - I would never say Cheray is dumb. I don't think Cheray is dumb. - You gonna check me, boo? - I don't think Cheray is dumb. - I love them all. - Check me, boo, is the best shit ever. - I like that they brought that out for no real reason. That was great. They're like, let's just look at, because Cheray did nothing this season, let's just look at clips of her from the old other seasons when she was fun. - Yeah. - Pretty much. - Do we remember anything? - What about Nini taking credit for everybody's success? - Oh yeah. - In the world, that was pretty great. - Well, you know what, I'm a hater on Nini 'cause I do think that she is just a big old water buffalo with a penis, but here's my thing. Like, if I kind of in a weird fucked up way, like that Kim is willing to say, like, thank you for telling the producers that some trashy white ladies should be on this show, and yes, it did lead me to-- - But you know what, they-- - Becoming a gold digger and getting my new man, but Cheray, as much as I love Cheray, cannot fucking admit that Nini got her in the door. - Well, I know I was really, really fucked up, was the part of the reunion when they were comparing who made each season better. Like, oh, that was, I was gonna create that. I was, I was gonna make that season. I made that season. No, I made that season. Like, you women really have to-- - Yeah, they're-- - Stop doing your lives as seasons. - Yeah, they're too, they're too self-aware at this point. They should just get rid of all of them. - And what about Nini? - Oh, I knew about it 'cause I was an actress, and I was flying back to L.A., back and forth, for art-ditions, that's what I said. - I was in the Hollywood scene. - Yeah, you know, I mean, as we all know, she was a, on the weekends, she was an usher at the Chinese theater out here, so she really was involved in entertainment. - Was that true? - No, of course it's not true, it's a joke. (laughing) Who would fly out to Los Angeles up in Usher for the weekend? - We just both believed you. - We know too. - Well, we live in Hollywood, we know fools like that. - Yeah, the truth is this. Nini is ridiculous enough to maybe do something like that, so that's why you guys probably actually believed me for a second there. - Yeah, just so she could say she was appearing at the Chinese theater. - What do we think about? What do we think about Peter? Peter came on on-- - Oh, gross, oh my god, that guy's so disgusting. - I don't remember anything from Thursday's show, 'cause I think I was drunk when I watched it. That guy is such a user and a loser, and I love Andy. So where were you at the opening when you disappeared? He's like, oh, I went home, I was tired, it wasn't about me, both sick he went home. Who were you fucking and who's asked for you snorting Coke off of you? Piece of crap with your bleary ass red bloodshot eye. - Thank you, he is a fucking drug addict. That guy is such a user. - And he's brought Cynthia down. You know what, if Cynthia had stayed up in New York, she'd never have gotten involved in this show, and she just would have been a supermodel who had nice style and had over little gay friends up there, and people probably would have had warm thoughts about her, but now people just think that she's just a degenerate, basically. - She is a degenerate, and the only one that is awesome is Mal. Mal is like, fuck you, dumb ho, and I agree with her. - I agree, and you know what, Mal's got a hot husband. I agree with whoever said it. - And a house in Paris. - Yeah, why is Mal sticking on? She's like the Lorne Manzo of Atlanta. You know, like you have some, do something else. Get out of these people's lives. - Well, but you have to remember the whole year that leading up to Cynthia marrying Peter was Cynthia sobbing and saying she didn't think she could do it, and Peter's so controlling, and Peter's so bossy, and she's telling her sister and us all this, and then suddenly it's like, oh, I'm married, that's my man. Don't you talk about my man? Like, bitch, really, 'cause we had to listen to what an abuser he was for the past year. And now, no one's allowed to have an opinion. He probably had some stern words with her, or at least maybe they went to their pastor to get some advice, and they're like, you gotta stand up for your husband more. You can't be wavering like this. You gotta show some respect. And that's probably why she's now a bitch. - That is one classless ass couple. - Yeah, they are pretty terrible. And you know, Phaedra made out like a bandit in this arena, and she just sat there quietly, and smirked, and you know, her eyes, she made her eyes big, or she would like, you know, her gums. - Phaedra took her first season on reality TV, and learned what she did wrong, and she came back as a hero this year. - Yeah, she was great this year. - I'm sorry, you guys, but I do think that she is a, oh, here we go, here we go. - Here we go. - Okay, here we go. - Here we go, come on. - I'll pop my bat out with the spikes on the end, like Ronnie asked me to. So here we go. - Here we go. - Now, in my opinion, Shirei is right, and Phaedra is a dumb ass attorney who fucked her over. - Well, no way. Didn't you get the point of that argument? Didn't you hear what Phaedra said? Shirei said, "Why didn't you do it?" And she said, "I was waiting to be retained." In other words, Shirei has visual, no, Shirei did not pay. - Shirei was like, "Shirei gave her a check." - No, no, she did the day of. - No, she brought it to court. She did not give it to her before. Either way, either way, either way, I believe, even though I don't think Phaedra is the world's best lawyer by any means, but I believe that she knows more about, but I believe she knows more about law than Shirei. Shirei would feel the attorney at law, okay? - She's going to mortuary arts now because she can't fucking be a proper lawyer anymore. - No, I don't think so. I think she's doing it because she's just, you know, restless, and she has a passion for death. - Well, and also the kind of attorney she is, you know, she's, I like that she's so honest, but words, everything's so sweetly like-- - Oh yeah, I have to, yeah, I founded it. - Yeah. - You know, by taking people that no one else would take. - But yeah, I thought that was hilarious. They're like, "So, you represent like strippers and porn stars, like, that was really," I was like, "Well, I found a niche." - I thought-- - I love when she took a bag of cash from that weed dealer in the parking lot. - Yeah. (laughing) - Oh my gosh. - She is hilarious. - She is hilarious. - Oh my gosh, I forgot about that. Oh my gosh. Well, how else are you gonna pay for this? - Well, the only point of Shiree is, you know, Shiree gets away a lot without paying people. She's got that reputation in that town because she never pays anybody, or she'll find some drama to not have to pay anybody. And Faedra wasn't about to do that and get screwed over by this bitch, and she waited until she got her money. So that's what Shiree gets. - Well, Shiree doesn't have any money as evidenced by the fact that she's a child, sleeping on a doggy bed. (laughing) - I think I should have an answer, Mark. - You know, I am on IMDB right now, and you're gonna be shocked, but Nini has only been in Housewives before. - But she's making actress. Are you shocking? - Shiree, are you sure? She's a working actress. Did you check anything by Martin Scorsese 'cause I'm fairly certain they work together. - I don't know. - Just tell, you know, when Andy Cohen was like, do you guys, you know, are you happy about, you know, Nini's success on Glee, and Nini's like pimping out Glee, blah, blah, blah, blah, and then Andy's like, oh, Ryan Murphy's a huge fan, and he also said that Kim would be, you know, great. And then Nini's face fell off. - Yeah, that was good. - Wouldn't that be awesome, though? - But Nini is so ridiculous. She didn't even have to audition. He's just a gay guy who's a fan of the Housewives and wanted a crazy black lady on there. Like, duh, like she acts like she's Meryl Streep and got discovered because of her brilliant accents on the show or something. - Right, and as if she's ever not gonna be able to play a psychotic bitch on TV. - It's like Cheray said at the beginning of the season. The reason she was on Celebrity Apprentice is 'cause Donald Trump wanted a crazy, angry, black bitch, and that's what he got. - Did Cheray say that? - Yes, yes. - Did she for real say that? - Yes, she said something I was like a angry black woman or whatever. - Another reason why we should not lose Cheray. She is fucking great. - She is great, but the thing is that she's just, she's not involved enough drama on the day to day. She's good on the reunions, but I'm sure that's not why. - Well, from what I read, she is not coming back because she demanded as much money as Neenie and they refused because, you know, Kim and Neenie are the ones making the money on that show. - Yeah, that's actually kind of Cheray's fault. After the first season, it was all about Neenie, Cheray, and Kim. Those were the three anyone cared about and they were sort of like the queens of it. And then somehow Kim and Neenie went out into the front of the pack and I don't know how Cheray fell behind. - Well, because in season two, she was putting her efforts behind She by Cheray, which was a total bomb, but is getting resurrected. - So excited. Speaking of resurrections, this is, actually, this has nothing to do with resurrections. I was just going to try to transition to Orange County before we, you know, we, as we get to the latter parts of our podcast here. Do we have anything else we have to say about Atlanta before we move on? - I'm gonna miss it. I love you, Atlanta. - Hi, Atlanta. You know what, Kim's don't be targeted for the wedding 'cause that is. - I'll check it out. I have to say I'm a little like, right now I'm sort of like done with the Atlanta cast and I'm sort of like ready to be moving away from Atlanta, but I'll check it out for the purpose of our podcast. - Okay, well, before we move on, I just do have to say though, that like between the Atlanta three-part reunion and the premiere of Jersey, I no longer give a fuck about OC, but here we go. - You know, here's the thing. I actually do give a fuck about the OC. I think OC is really funny, but it's just, it is getting lost in the mix here, especially because since we do our podcast, we record it on Mondays now. So whenever we get to OC, it's always been like six days old. But I still enjoy it. I thought this episode of the glamping was just as ridiculous as usual. First of all, I hate this term glamping. Is this something that has occurred before the show? Is this a thing? - It sounds like when you put too much gel in your hair and it like glamps. - To me, it makes me think of like clamps and clamping. It makes me think of like going to the gyno or something like that. - Yeah, like glamping just sounds bad. Of course, Alexis would be the one to coin that term. - Well, I think that they went to an actual place, does glamping, so I think it was arky. I don't think Alexis can make anything up. - No, no, I mean, like I understand, I understand the idea of like high-end cambium. I'm just saying the term glamping. - Yeah, I'm just saying that Alexis can't come up. Alexis can't be, she can't even get one word out properly, much less too. - She can't, well, that's sort of her skill is that she takes two words and mixes them together and makes weird neo-logisms out of them, which is new words. - Are we going to say Matt before Ben rudely interrupted you? - I don't even know what a neo-logism is. - It's a new created word. - Yeah, you can't talk like that when we're talking about the OC. - I'm sorry, I was trying to be like Heather. I was trying to hone my inner Heather. - I was just going to say that the only glamping I do is true Beverly Hills with Shelly Long and the rest of them can go to hell. - It's cookie time. - Thank you. - Aye y'all. - So what's up with poor Brianna? - Wait, Brianna? - Yeah, Brianna. - Brianna Brianna. - Oh Brianna. - Brianna with her throat slit, showing up the lamp and having to-- - That sounds gross, by the way. - But it was, it's like your throat is still cut open. It's like an open gash. - No, it's like a sexy thing. - Oh, oh. - Gross. - No, it doesn't sound sexy to me at all. - You're horny 'cause we were talking about Jersey, that hot show. - Yeah, listen, I was surprised that she went glamping with, yeah, honestly, after that major surgery, Brianna all that smoke, but hey, you know, she survived, she was the most able-bodied person to do it 'cause they all the rest of them. We're sitting around that campfire having no idea what to do, except for Heather, who actually listened to the directions of how to make it. By the way, I like this new Heather versus Alexis thing. I'm enjoying the way Heather really has huge disdain for Alexis. - But Ben, there is no like, there's never gonna be like a good fight there because they're not like, they're not like a qualified adversary, it's just so hot. - Yeah, I would say. - It's never gonna be good. - But I like how it gets Alexis mad. - Oh, go ahead. - No, I like how it makes Alexis mad and I like the passive aggressive forms that Heather's animosity takes. Like when they all arrived at like at her house to like go to go on their trek and she like didn't even say hi to Alexis or Hugger or anything. That was great. - Yeah, for Alexis, it just looks all confused. - She's like a dog. - And I love when she's calling Alexis on all of her lies like, "Oh, well, we just rent our house because it makes more sense." And she's like, "How does that make more sense when you're just handing your money instead of investing it?" She's like, "Well, Jim's, you know, Jim's my leader or whatever. This is my, oh, look at this giant diamond ring. Oh, we don't even bother ensuring it. Oh, and this isn't even the real one. I keep the real one in a safe. Like you fucking liar. You're married to the shadiest ass man in Warren's County. Don't even triumphal that shit over on Heather. Jim, but one thing that makes me kind of lose respect for Heather is that she is smart enough to fight with someone who can fight back. I think that when you purposely become enemies with someone stupid like Alexis, I mean, don't be such a pussy girl. Come on, be enemies with Tamara. Exactly, she's not picking a fair fight and that makes her even more pathetic. I mean, I don't really like Heather the way Ben is up her couch. But like, if you're gonna fight somebody that's real like Tamara or-- Well, it's not so much a fight. It's more like she just has a huge amounts of disdain. No, but this is called reality TV. It's called The Real Housewives. If you don't have somebody you're fighting with, your ass is on the line. Yeah, that's true. I mean, she knows because she's an actress, you guys. She used her passion as acting and big band. Yeah. (laughing) I mean, but you know, I do like her sort of, I don't know, I like her hottie bitchy ways. Like when she got like a glass for herself but didn't get one for Alexis and she's like, I'm not getting you a glass. I was like, that was good. I like that, that was awesome. Oh, no, it was like table. And Alexis is like, where's the my table? And she's like, go in and get it. You know what it was with the glasses? I'm sorry, you're right. When she came out, you have to love these little gems. She was like, well, I was looking for a red wine glass but all I could find was white. (laughing) Like you are such a fucking bitch but I'm loving you right now. (laughing) I'm loving how you were just basically saying my tastes are very refined and yours are not Alexis. Yeah. And everyone else who's sitting around this campfire. Oh, I'm so sad that Gretchen couldn't join. Her voice is still shot. I am two months later. I used to like for some reason like have Gretchen's back. I am just done. Yeah, you know, it's late. It's late as ruined her. It's ruined her likability. She's like, I wonder. Yeah, I wanna see her like dating, like get rid of him. She is just ugh, ugh, ugh, he's just awful. Well, she's her agent. You know, that's how she's booking and making money. So she's gonna keep him until she finds someone better and she's not gonna get more talented. So I doubt that anybody more talented is gonna be beating down her door anytime soon. Well, you know, I think she needs your work together. I think she needs your work together for a Vegas show. Come on, touch your toes. So you're cutesy, get your paycheck and be done with it. No one wants to hear this crap about your stupid voice that you never had in the first place. But she lost it. She lost her voice. It was so good at one point and she lost it. She lost it when Jeff died. Hmm. No, she lost it when she fought with Vicki. Haven't you heard? Like, she's has, she has, like, long-form yelling laryngitis and it's been two months. And the doctor said there's no cure. She totally adelled her throat and she may not be able to sing at the high caliber of the pussycat dolls. (laughing) How sad is that? (laughing) Everything is sad about that. (laughing) Let's see what else was going on in the show. Vicki, Vicki was calling Brooks incessantly. And there was that. I'm sorry, but he is a scam artist and he's gonna take out her for all of her money. I love how these women just fall for scam artists. It's kind of amazing. Guess who wasn't a scam artist? Don. No, but he's sort of a schmuck. Yeah, but he had, like, called her a bitch in public. 'Cause she was. Yeah, but you don't do that to your wife. You don't tell your wife-- Yeah? Why are you being such a fucking bitch in front of all of her friends? Guess what? You do call her a fucking bitch in front of all of her friends when she does nothing but go to work all day and never give you sex. So then she's a bitch. And I think you-- Who could keep up with Don? Have you read what his ass has been up to since he left her? He's been partying. He's been partying. All these sex clubs and shit. Well, I mean, how could you keep up with that? Good for him. Oh, those poor sex workers. No kidding. Yeah. Whatever. I missed when they would go-- I missed when they would go Tubin' and Havasu. Those were the good old days. I wanna see Heather go Tubin' and Havasu. I mean, she's a joiner. She's a joiner. She'll join. Well, I just feel bad for Vicki because she's so stupid. I mean, listen, if you're in your late 40s, you have square tits and giant tits cars and a beaver face, chances are that people aren't gonna be buying you cards. Okay? If men are buying you cards, they've gotten ulterior about it. Listen, if you want to talk about stupid, by the way, we can talk about Alexis, who was so stupid she couldn't figure out how to catch her on the heater in her cabin. She almost froze to death. She almost died of her own stupidity. Well, I know you guys-- Just letting you know that, but that would be me. I know you guys don't want selling New York, but or whatever that million dollar listing New York is, but the best part was two of the agents fighting over whether something was an air conditioner or a heater. It's like, come on, Bravo. And they're all fucking actors. I'm like, they don't even know. They don't even know what an air conditioner was. It made me think of little Bellino. Poor Alexis. Anything that has a doctor, she's just lost. Yeah, every time somebody's stupid, I'm like, "Oh, Alexis." She really is the dumbest one of all, dumb-- I love Alexis. I just wish Alexis could be on every single house watch, so she makes me laugh every single time in her terrible English. I keep saying every week I'm gonna start a log of her racking the English language, and I just keep forgetting to do it, but I've gotta start. Someday, Someday, Bravo will find a way to effectively merge all these women together, and then we'll see Alexis truly shine. I'm shocked that we haven't seen that yet. We haven't seen a cross over this. We will. They gotta do a race show. They gotta do some of their racing cars or something, because if they do like a challenge, like where they're hanging on tight ropes or whatever, the women are not gonna do it. But if it's something that's like, quote unquote, classier, like a race across country, I think it's gonna happen. I don't know, I think that Nini could cross over and do some Bev Hills, 'cause she keeps saying she's moving and she doesn't wanna be on Atlanta anymore, she's been pretty upfront about that. I think that if you cross, I think the thing is this, if you cross over from one show to the other, I think that's a very jumping the shark moment for some reason, but for some reason-- It is, but they're all friends. I mean, if you're ever desperate enough for entertainment that you read any of these ladies' Twitter feeds, they're all hanging out together. Yeah, that's true. Like the Jersey girls were just hanging out with all the OC girls and sending each other XO-XOs on Twitter. Yeah. Like a six-side club. Yeah, I can't really imagine Countess Luan, though, hanging out with Alexis Bellino. Actually, I could, because then Countess should be just so excited to be haughty with her and teacher manners and everything like that. Ah, there's a spinoff right there. Countess Luan tries to give Alexis culture. Ugh, this would be like 8 million. It would be fantastic. Should I bring my class with the Countess autographed copy next week and maybe serenade you with a few of her passages? Please, please, please. Any books that you own of these women, please bring them. Yeah. All right, well, we've been going for about an hour or so, so I think it's time for us to wrap up. Once again, we are doing our show on live in front of an audience at the Improvle and Pick Monday, April 30th, on Hollywood Boulevard. Oh, and if you're looking it up online, it's I-O West. It's on Cosmo and Hollywood, Block East of Cahuenga. There's a valet outside for $5 with validation. And we'll have drink specials and all that good stuff, so come on out and have a drink with us, y'all. Yeah, it'll be super fun. I actually think it'll be really, really fun, even if just five people show up. But I think we can get-- hopefully we can get many more than five. Yeah, hopefully we can make Matt cry. Yeah. I'm already crying, right? We're going to do whatever we can to make Matt feel uncomfortable and awkward on stage. That's why I'm going to be incredibly intoxicated and wearing a costume, because I'm just going to start off that way. He's going to be wearing a black veil. A black veil to cover his face. It'll look like one of those food critics, you know, that goes incognito at a restaurant. I'm just going to be dusting off my floor deli Ed Hardy gear. [LAUGHTER] I like the sound of that. All right, well, fun times, everybody. You can follow us at #whatcrapins. You can follow me on Twitter @tvgasm or Ben @-- what is it? B-side vlogs or Matt @lifeonniemlist. Yeah, and you know what? We will create this for Facebook group, and we'll be at the event information on that. Yeah, OK, well, thanks, everybody. OK, see y'all. Bye. See you next time. Bye. [MUSIC PLAYING] If you like Watch what Crapins, you can listen ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey at Wondery.com/survey. Are you in trouble with the law? Need a lawyer who will fight like hell to keep you out of jail? We defend and we fight, just like you want your own children to defend it. Whether you're facing a drug charge, caught up on a murder app, accused of committing war crimes, look no further than Paul Bergrand. All the big guys go to Bergrand because he gets everybody off. You name it, Paul can do it. Need to laundry some money, broker a deal with a drug cartel, take out a witness, from Wondery. The makers of Dr. Death and over my dead body comes a new series about a lawyer who broke all the rules. Doesn't it funny how witnesses disappear or how evidence doesn't show up or somebody doesn't testify correctly? In order to win, at all costs. If Paul asked you to do something, it wasn't a request. It was an order. I'm your host Brandon James Jenkins. Follow Criminal Attorney on the Wondery app, or wherever you get your podcast. You can listen to Criminal Attorney early and add free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple