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That's audible.com/crapins or text Crapins to 500-500. - This episode of Watch What Crapins is brought to you by GameFly. Go to gamefly.com/haha for your free 15-day trial. (upbeat music) - Hey everybody, welcome to the Watch What Crapins podcast. I'm Ronnie Carrom. I write under the name Flippet over at tvgasm.com, and I'm here today with Matt Whitfield, who is the features editor at Yahoo Entertainment. Hello, Matt. - Hi, Ronnie. - And also joining us today is Jamie Burch-Shelly, who is Honey Gangsta over at tvgasm.com and writes our Real Housewives of Orange County recaps. Honey Gangsta. - What's up? - So first off, this whole podcast just bitches about Bravo shows. So we're glad you're with us. And we're sad to say that our partner B-side is not here today. He's in Paris being romantic and single. - Yeah, but we're not crying for that bitch. - Yeah, we're not crying for that bitch. You can't cry for anybody when they go to Paris, right? - No. - Okay, so let's start with Real Housewives of Orange County, because someone used to put a stop to these crazy bitches. How do they do it? Were there three episodes in and they're already such disgusting human beings that even I wanna turn it off? - That's the funny thing. Like with other franchises under the Real Housewives banner, there's actually at least one person I like, but I don't think that exists on Orange County. - Yeah. - It's almost like you have to wait to see who's gonna get kicked in the head the most so you know who to feel bad for, 'cause their brain is bleeding all over the sidewalk, you know? Like, that's the only reason to feel bad for these people. - I started off liking Tamara and Vicky, because I just did a crash course before the season started. And every time I see Vicky, I like her less and less and less. And Tamara-- - She's horrible. - She's horrible. - She's in all Housewives history. - She is. I don't know why I found her endearing before, 'cause I watched a lot of episodes. I don't know what happened, but yeah, watching this season, I'm like, eh. - Well, as far as sociopathic narcissistic personalities go, she's not so bad. I just wish, you know, I just wish you'd concentrate on things like not wearing fake fur, you know? Like on this episode, all I could think was that's really not thinning, you know? I have a really good friend who went to the gap with me one time, and I really wanted to buy one of those down vests, 'cause everybody was wearing them. But I'm fat, you know? I can't wear a down vest, and secretly I knew it, but this guy, I wanted to anyway, you know? And he was like, you know, Ronnie, I really like you, but that is not thinning. And I feel blessed because Vicky does not have that. - Well, Vicky doesn't have any real friends. - That's what I'm saying. That's why she's horrible. She has nobody to just hug her and say, you know what? Being fat is in a death sentence. - Right, go to a Chubby Chaser website. Or, you know, there's like a lot of things you can do. Go to Weight Watchers meetings. - Do they have that in Orange County? - I'm sure they do. They're all so skinny there. - Well, they only have terrible restaurants there, according to Alexis. - That's right. Only terrible restaurants, they hand you the menu open. - How dare they. So this week we started with the big controversy so far from last week. It was brought up again at the very beginning, which was the whole blowjob thing. And Newbie Heather saying, oh, honey, when you're married, you don't have to give blowjobs anymore. And Alexis cracking, well, let's see you in 10 years and see if you're still married, which started a whole rift with Heather. - Okay, can we just talk about that lunch that they had, that sushi lunch? - Yeah, please. - Okay, well, it was not really to have lunch. It was so that Heather could sit across from Alexis and judge her, make her feel judged. And I don't know, I just runny, I can't deal with the fact that you like Heather. She bothers me more than Alexis, which is saying a hell of a lot. - Well, I was raised by a very difficult snotty woman who judged me constantly, and that was her way of loving me. So when I watch Heather, I feel like I'm being hugged drunkenly by the TV. (laughing) - Oh my God. - I love when people are like Heather, they're just so fucked up, but they're the only ones that don't seem to know it. Like, they think if they have a lot of money and they act really snotty, that they're not fucked up, but that makes them even more fucked up. Like, you have to sleep with that old dude who makes like Catskills humor jokes, probably a bit-- - Right. - You know, you gotta have some pity for that woman. - But she doesn't give him blowjobs, because they're married now. Well, you know, she could use the jaw work. (laughing) She's a little roundish, she's a little roundish there. But yeah, that lunch was great. And this is another reason I love Heather. This lunch is a perfect example. We all know is the audience that Heather is there to hate on Alexis, right? But Alexis has no idea. - Right, right. - So, Heather, Alexis is gonna wait to see what Alexis, I mean, Alexis is gonna wait to see what Heather orders. So the waiter comes over and asks what they want. And Heather's like, "I'll have a Diet Coke." And then Alexis is like, "I'll have, I guess, an iced tea." And then Heather's like, "Oh, and some cold sake, is that okay, dear?" Like, she's just gonna wait to see if she'll have the balls to order a glass of wine at lunch and be an alcoholic, you know? I love that kind of a person. They're just so judgmental and wrong all the time. - Sounds like Ben. - Oh, Snappled. You're lucky they don't have iTunes in Paris. (laughing) But don't sugar is totally false, but... - I love how Alexis is like, "Well, we're really quite similar." And then she's like, "I don't think that." (laughing) - She is so uptight. I just really like, she's just awful. - She is, but you have the love when Alexis is like, "Oh, I'm a news anchor." - Yeah, news anchor, that was so funny. - Okay, I will say, she did jump a little far by considering herself, you know, a news anchor. But I do have to agree with Alexis every time she's like, "Excuse me, Heather now plays the bagpipes, she runs a marching band, she is an all-star swimmer, and she runs an opera." Like, "I'm sorry, but Heather can't do everything." - That's right, Heather does do everything. Stand up comedy in this episode is on it. - Are we going there? Are we going now? Because I almost had to fast forward the TV. It was so awesome. (laughing) - It was so bad, so bad. - Well, that was so embarrassing. And it's one of the great regrets of my past year of 2011 that I got an email from somebody saying, "You have to come to the laugh factory because Gretchen is doing stand up comedy." And I wrote back, "Yeah, I would rather poke myself in the eyes with forks." Why wouldn't I have gone, like, what an idiot. Why wouldn't I have gone to that? - I'm still not convinced it was the one on Sunset. - Yeah, it was. - It was, yeah, but it screamed of like improv and a hug. - The one in Brea? (laughing) - Exactly. - It was very ha-ha. (laughing) - Well, what I learned about that was that they actually fed Gretchen her joke and she still got it wrong. - Well, I love the Fetch Lovey comic who was, like, writing all their jokes for them. Okay, why would you hire a poor, sloppy, straight guy to write free? Of course, he's gonna be like, "Show your tits." Like, that's his, that's his comedy writing. He's like, "You're an idiot, show your tits." That'll win him over. Oh my God. - And that's exactly what she did after she tried, like, three times to tell her opening jokes. She finally just took her clothes off. (laughing) - And, you know, to that guy's credit, she did get applause for that part. - Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm gay, but I would prefer her to take her clothes off than tell jokes. (laughing) - Yes, please do anything but that. And then, Slate came on, which was the real big news of that episode. That was not even comedy. That was such a bitter, horrible, horrible, horrible rap. - Ronnie, it's in the news, okay? If it's in the news, it's just the news. He can say the news. - Not his fault, he can say what's on the news. - That's lied, that's what comics do. If she can't have a comedy, that's what the comedy's tough, all right? Babe, I'm like, "What the hell are you talking about?" - Okay, the comic genius of the episode is Slade's mother, who is not having any of it. (laughing) - The dogs were more entertaining than Slade. And one of the dogs kind of barfed on the couch and she was kind of like pretending that it didn't happen. And she was trying to concentrate on Slade, but then the vomit, it was just weird. - Slade's mom is one of those people that you've gotta like because she can admit when she's wrong, and I think that she understands that Slade was her biggest mistake. (laughing) It's just so obvious. It's like she is apologizing to the audience every time she's on screen. No, when he said, "I'm gonna propose to Gretchen "and her responses." No, no, no, no, oh, don't do that to that poor girl. How dare you? - Well, okay, you've worked through your issues. She's not calling you "Tavo Wobo" anymore. (laughing) - He works through their issues. And then he, do you remember when Slade was like, she goes, "Well, what are you gonna do with this?" And he goes, "Well, I'm taking it on the road. "He's gonna take this show on the road." - This is going to travel. - Okay, let's get real. How much would you pay to watch that? I mean, after this, I think I would pay money. - You would to, I don't know. - No, it was just painful to watch 'cause it was, if he was actually attempting jokes, that would be one thing, but, oh, that was just nasty. And this is coming from someone who spends his whole life. My job is making horrible, horrible, tasteless jokes about these women. - Right. - To me, it was disgusting, so. - But yeah, he wasn't even funny. He was just like, they suck. They're bitches, they're whores. Here's the page. - And then he started thrusting his crotch and I was getting turned off surprisingly. (laughing) - What was, I didn't even get that joke. He like, set it up and did his little crotch firing thing. And then I still was just like, "What?" - I mean, it was an editing nightmare for the poor guys that are working on this show. I think that they were just trying to slap some shit together and call it a storyline. - Well, you know, one thing I will say for those editors is I actually thought they did a very subtle, beautiful thing in this episode when every time they showed Tamara, it was eating something and she was only, she would only eat egg whites over it. What's her buns, is be for face's house. And then she would only eat a chicken breast when she was on a date and Eddie's like, - That's fun, both of you. - And a fondue restaurant. - Yeah. - Yup, is there anything without cheese? I mean, I was like, "Uh, no." And she had never been to a fondue restaurant and she took him there on a date. What is she? (laughing) No. - And Eddie's like, "But I love food, babe." She's like, "I hate it. I hate food." Cut to the comedy show. We're just latest showing her all fat and chunky in the game. - Oh, sorry, in her bikini. - Oh, look. - I'm cut to Alexis not understanding jokes about masturbation, but totally getting Gretchen's comedy. - And also best abusive relationship of the Housewives series, Jim and Alexis. - That was brilliant when she's like, "I don't get it. "I just don't get it." I mean, what's he talking about? I don't get it. And he goes, "Just nod." (laughing) - So, I mean, that might have been a top 10 Housewives moment of all time. (laughing) - Just nod, shut the hell up, woman. (laughing) Oh, I'm looking over my notes here and trying to remember what else happened on this show. - Oh, I wrote-- - I just get-- - I wrote Slade's-- All I wrote was Slade's mom heart, Slade's mom exo, Slade's mom, and what looks like a happy face. I don't know, I need to start smoking while I'm watching these shows. I'm like, "I don't remember what that means tomorrow." - Let me tell you the only person on this show that I like besides Slade's mother. And that would be Brianna Vicki's daughter who hates her. - Oh, yes. - Yes. That was perfect. - Yes. - You can tell that after the divorce with Don, she's just like, she's just not all about Vicki. She knows that she's dating some crawfish, loving hillbilly, and she misses her dad. And I don't blame her. - Yes, Don too. - Well, he's busy at sex club swinging, having public sex, all right. Father of the year over there. You know, if Don wasn't calling Vicki a dumb bitch on TV, that probably would have lasted a little bit longer. I'm not saying he was wrong. - Well, she just wants somebody to love her and tell her that she's a prince. I mean, her expectations are out of control. How do you think this hillbilly, crawfish daddy, is gonna give her what Don was not giving her? - Well, apparently he is right now because she's glowing. - Is she glowing, or is she just sweating? - Sweating. Either way, she's working out. - She's sweating because she's working up a storm in her kitchen because she cannot handle the fact that Gretchen and Tamara are fake friends and then it sends her into a fucking tizzy. - Yes, she almost came out of her skin in that scene. And she kept thinking about like calling Alexis and getting together with Alexis and she and Alexis are best friends. Like, that's gonna stick it to Tamara. - Well, in her most recent interviews, Tamara's been saying that Vicki's a hypocrite and this and that. So it must get pretty ugly this season. So yay for that. - Yay, yay. - Great. - Full-tube, comment, show your tits, anything. Okay, yeah, everything. Eating disorders, abusive marriages, and porn jokes. So I think we're done with that. - We need to get back to the fondue date where Tamara, who is never gonna get a hotter piece than Eddie for the rest of her fucking life, is pretty much pushing him out the door by saying, "I don't know, my children come first." No, your children should not come first when you can have a piece of Eddie. - What is she thinking? - You know what else I loved about that is that it's so not true. She's doing that for the cameras and making this big scene like, "Oh, I care so much about my children." You know that's bullshit. She's gonna move in with him. Doesn't she live with him now? - You know where else? - Yeah, she looks like him now. - I mean, give me a road scene. - I think all of this stuff, I mean, I've said it a million times and I'll say it a million more. This is all for Twitter people. So Twitter people don't get all on her and call her a stupid slut who hates her children. But she's not fooling anybody. I mean, we know that she is the worst mother in the history of America. - Yes. - Well also, speaking of Brianna, just going back a little bit, you know, I'm all for someone being sick all the time. I'm a complainer, you know. I've had pretty much every disease in the book. I go get STD testing. Even when I haven't had sex for two years. I'll go every couple of months just for that rush of like, am I dying of something? (laughing) Vicki and Brianna, I mean, Brianna literally said, well, you know, I've had something for years and now something of sisting on something and a possible cancer on the cyst of the, you know, what a headache can turn into. It's like, if you just let it go, I just feel like Brianna just needs to relax, stay away from her mother, and she'll feel much better. - Well, she did move 10 minutes away. Thank God, a whole 10 minutes. (laughing) The problem here, I mean, first of all, you know, it just is very hard for me to watch this because my mother, like Vicki, cannot handle, you know, scary words and reality. And it's just when the, it's the C word. Vicki doesn't know what the C word really is. And Ronnie, that was your cue to say something horribly defensive, but you said-- - Well, I thought, well, I thought you were talking about the actual C word, so I was like, how could she possibly not know what that is? (laughing) But then I just-- - But then I got with you, Matt, cancer. - I just cannot, Vicki, is Vicki worse than Tamara? I kinda think she is. - I think they're also equally horrible. They're just so much fun to watch. It's like a cartoon that you just can't wait for the anvil to drop on their heads, you know? I love it. - I still like Tamara better 'cause she at least had something funny sometimes. Vicki never does, she's just a big man. - Yeah, but Tamara's just a fucking mean monster. - But she said on the reunion, is your ass jealous of the shit coming out of your mouth? (laughing) - Trace. - It's like-- - So I still have to give her like 50,000 bonus points for that and I still need to stay in her corner. - Well, you know that she stole that off a bumper sticker from Gadsukes or whatever, what's that joke store in the mall? It's not Gadsuits, but it's like that hilarious store where they have like a bunch of joke gifts. (laughing) You know she stole that off a bumper sticker, but I still love her for saving it up. It's way better than Kyle Richards is. Ooh, you're angry spice. Like if you're gonna plan a line, make it a good one, you know? - Or make it one that's not from 1999. - Yeah, get theta a bumper sticker story. All right, so we've had a good chat about that. Let's move on to some Atlanta. Now Atlanta was technically a repeat this week because it was a tryout for the new Kim spinoff, Kim and Croi, which I think if your name's Croi, it shouldn't be in the title of a spinoff. It should just be called Kim or something. (laughing) But anyway. - It's Croi, C-R-O-I-X. - I know that's Qua, Kim and Qua. He has no saint. (laughing) - Oh. - Okay, carry on. - He does love his tacky shit though, that's for sure. Like La Qua. - How can you hate a glowing mother with an array of wigs? How could you hate that? - How could you love somebody when she's littering a children that are gonna be just like her into the world? We do not need more stupid people in this world. Have you been in a crosswalk lately? I can't believe more people aren't getting hit. - Oh, I aim for them, don't-- - That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. All you have to do is walk across the damn street to be disgusted by humanity. I don't know anymore. - I drive to work, I drive home, I watch TV, I go to bed, so I don't have to interact with many people. It's a great life. - Well, I'm a smoker, so I have to walk to the store to get cigarettes, and that's when I bump into most of humanity. So, my humanity are Whole Foods people, liquor store people, and people that my dog likes to lick while I'm walking in, so maybe I'm not the best judge. Anyway, the point is, Kim has this new show coming out, and so Bravo gave us a nice half hour to an hour, I don't know, I was probably blitzed by the time it was done, 'cause it was painful, Kim is okay in small doses, and maybe every other other scene, but oh no, I don't need that much, Kim. - Hey, I'm Ryan Reynolds. At Mint Mobile, we like to do the opposite of what Big Wireless does. They charge you a lot, we charge you a little. So naturally, when they announced they'd be raising their prices due to inflation, we decided to deflate our prices due to not hating you. That's right, we're cutting the price of Mint unlimited from $30 a month to just $15 a month. Give it a try at mintmobile.com/switch. - $45 up from payment equivalent to $15 per month, new customers on first three month plan only, taxes and fees extra, speeds lower above 40 gigabytes of details. - Who even has a VCR anymore? Or a film projector? Legacy Box allows you to revisit those memories without those antiquated machines, as easy as one, two, three. Send in your Legacy Box filled with old VHS tapes, camcorder tapes, and pictures. Their team professionally digitizes everything by hand, right here in the USA. You'll get it back on a thumb drive or the cloud, along with your originals. It's so simple, it's like magic. For a limited time, get started preserving your past and save 50%. Go to legacybox.com/wondry to revisit and share special memories from your past. That's legacybox.com/wondry. - Well, do you think the show is actually gonna survive? Or, I mean, is she gonna be the next Bethany? I highly doubt that. - Well, what the hell do I know? Bethany just fucking goes on canoes and goes to lunch all day and talks about being rich. And she's got a show that's lasting, so. - Complains about being rich. Like, we should feel bad for her. - Yeah, let's screw Kim Soulciak. Let's move on to Bethany. (laughing) - 'Cause you're such a hater. - I mean, I have nothing nice to say about Kim, and you guys, did you watch that one? - I like Kim, but I don't need a spin-off there. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I just need a little bit more of her on Hotlana, and I don't need to see her in her own show. - Well, it's like when they spun-off facts of life, but didn't have Mrs. Garrett. I don't wanna watch that show. I don't know who the Mrs. Garrett on "Real Housewives of Atlanta" would be, not Neenie, Neenie, Phaedra, Phaedra. I don't wanna watch "Real Housewives of Atlanta" without Phaedra. - Do I really even wanna watch "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" anymore? Because as long as Cynthia's there, I want to kill myself. (laughs) Come on, that trip to Africa was a beautiful thing. - Yeah, especially because they didn't know what a apartheid was. (both laugh) - That's why it was so nice to know. - And then a gay man with sunglasses on rolled a bag of shells and told Shire that she was an ugly old hack. (both laugh) Okay, you're right, I'm bringing up all these instances, and I'm just reaffirming my love. - Yes, it makes me love it even more. I mean, it's so nice to know that black people can be as ignorant about black culture as white people. - I think it's called naive. They visited Africa in their glorious naivete. - Oh, you should've seen this. They were walking around with their high heels and their leopard print leggings and their gold. It's like to visit-- - They didn't know what a apartheid was? - Nope. - Nope. (both laugh) - This should not surprise you. (both laugh) But they did know how to bust a move in seven inch Louboutins. (both laugh) - They know the important thing. - Exactly. - It's true. - I'm sorry, Zebra. - I'm sorry, you're my carpet. - Sorry. (both laugh) - Oh, all right, so let's talk about Bethany a little bit. Have you guys been keeping up with Bethany ever after? - I still love her. I don't know why you can punch me in the face next time you've seen her. - Well, I watch it and honey used to recap it. So I know-- - Yeah. - Maybe you don't watch it now, huh? - I've watched the first one. I haven't kept up with it, I should have, but I used to like Bethany a lot better. - Why does everybody hate on her now that she's rich? That should make you like her more. - No, it pisses me off that she got rich. No, no, I'm just kidding, that's not why. She just, like, she used to be a lot more light-hearted, maybe, she just seems like all her show turned into was just her bitching about how hard she had it. And I always thought, you know, this is optional. You don't have to do any of this. - No, the contract means it's not optional. - I'm supposed to have to find the contract over and over and over and over. - That show is just so meta. It's about a woman from a reality show becoming famous from the reality show and getting a reality show about being famous from the reality show. - Exactly. - It's just so much. It's like, what are you doing today? Oh my God, I've got to be shy. So many different people today, I've got so many things. I'm so busy, I'm sick of being the enemy, I'm sick of being the villain. I'm going to lunch with this person. I'm going to lunch with that person. Oh my God, this apartment is so huge, but I hate the closet, I hate the back. It's like shut the fuck up. Get a job, get a real job, lady. I'm building an empire here, but nobody has a chair. You're building an empire, please. (laughing) - Oh, she sold an empire and now she should just disappear with all of her money. - Little Caesar built an empire, okay? (laughing) - You know what else I don't get about her? It's like, she has her little baby on the show. She has her whole marriage on the show. She had herself taking her pregnancy test on the show. But then when she and her husband are walking down the street, she's like, walk far away from me 'cause I don't want them to get pictures of us together. I don't know what it is. - They won't print it if we're not together. - Well, they keep choosing this really awkward moment. I don't know when we're going to eventually see it, but she's sitting there in her living room talking to Jason and he says something and then she cracks a joke, but it's not really a joke where she's like, yeah, well, we don't even really like each other. - And then like the record scratches and then you look at it and you're like, yeah, they're getting divorced. - Oh. - Well, but you know, you watch this show and they really don't seem to like each other at all. I mean-- - Well, you know, I'm not going to sit here and defend her all day, but he is boring as shit. - Well, but you know what? When you've got a larger-than-life personality, boring guys are the best option for you. I mean, what is she going to get somebody who talks like her all the time? (imitates No one would go to dinner with them. - Right, that's true. I mean, like she doesn't want the competition clearly, so I think that's why she got like a mute for a husband who has, you know, clearly no balls. - And she had a prenup, so his ass can't run. - Well, do you really think that that's the case? Like, did she have a prenup? Because then skinny girl happened, the sale of skinny girl happened after their wedding. So does that mean he's entitled to half of her money? 'Cause I don't think he should get shit. - Well, that's probably why she won't move to LA, because this is a no-fault state. So he would get half either way. But yeah, she said in therapy, didn't she? That she didn't get a prenup? Or no, that she got a prenup and that he was really upset about it and, you know, she was saying, "Oh, well, it's not that I don't trust you." But of course, you know, that is what a prenup is for. And God bless prenups. I don't have shit, but I'm gonna have a prenup if I ever get really married. You're gonna take and have my T-vow. I had to sign a two-year contract for that shit. That's lasted longer than this relationship. Get out of my house. Bethany disturbs me. I just wish you would do more that's not gross. - Well, okay, so like, you didn't like the way that she was talking down to a challenged short person in a bar in Montauk that it was not entertaining to you? - Actually, you know, I'm a hypocrite because obviously I find it entertaining 'cause I'm watching it. I could just say, "Oh, I didn't watch it. You guys talk about it and I'll just make fun of Bethany." But I watched it, I watched the whole thing. And actually, there was a good part in it because she really doesn't have much to do this year so far. So she did this thing where she hung out with all her closest girlfriends, which basically means she invites 10 women, 10-ish women to go someplace exotic and pays for everything. But she has no real relationships. It feels like, but they weren't technically the employees or whatever. But one of the ladies was like, "Oh, Bethany, I am just so proud of everything you've accomplished." And she's like, "Oh, thank you, hon, thank you." Oh, I mean, skinny girl. Who would have thought the name skinny girl wasn't taken? Oh, I know, isn't that crazy skinny girl, but it's mine, you know, I got it, I came up with it. Oh, well, isn't that just crazy that no one came up with the name skinny girl before you did? Oh, isn't that crazy? And she has no idea that the anvil's about to drop on her head and her ass is about to get sued for stealing the idea of skinny girl. But this baby, she is supposedly one of her best friends, knows, and she's not gonna tell her until that bill is paid. (laughing) - She needed to get her clam bake on. - Bethany, and not have a good show unless there are women to hate her. On their show, that's cool. - You're so right. I mean, I'm just sitting here the entire time going, like, I really hope that Kelly bends some on paddle boards right on by. - Oh, I can't believe you even had the nerve to bring up that name in front of me. I love her, and I'm so sad that she's not gonna be on the next season of Real Housewives of New York. So sad. - It's sad. Without her, I mean, Jill, fine, we can let that go, but no, KKB, there's a problem. - Shh, close your eyes. Okay, open your eyes. (laughing) Close your eyes, close your eyes. - Re-enter, re-enter. (laughing) - Who are the housewives of New York now? Kelly's gone, Jill's gone, who's left? - The Countels, and Ramona, and a bunch of Ramona's friends, including Blondie from Matt loves that woman. What's that lady's name? Who have you a toaster cookbook? - Yes. - Sonya and her toaster cookbook. - Sonya and her toaster cookbook. - Sonya, yes. Sonya and her toaster cookbook. - Who likes to fist her toilet when she, and her blindberry toaster cookbook. (laughing) - Who calls a semi-hot flumber over to fish out in the blackberry that she put there on purpose? (laughing) So embarrassing, oh my God. Okay, but we've got some time before that one comes back. You guys wanna talk about a little real housewives gossip? - Yeah, yeah. - I really like going to this site called stupidhousewives.com, it's S-T-O-O-P-I-D. This woman is obsessed with all things housewives. And I had never really subscribed to a blog before. You know how under some comment section, it'll say subscribe to this blog. And so I thought, okay, I'll subscribe, thinking like once a week, I'll get a little email, like with TV-gasm, you get like an email once a week, and it's like, this is what happened on TV-gasm. No, no, stupid, sends you shit. She posts all day, I don't even know when she sleeps, but that shit is like ding, ding, ding. So all day, I'm like, oh my god, Tamara Barney's on the John Jay and Rich Radio Show. (laughing) I'm like googling shit, and my whole day is now consumed with these women. So thanks, stupid housewives. (laughing) - I need to sign up 'cause it sounds like. - Yeah, well, it's a lot of ding-in. - Do you have any updates on my girl Gina Kehoe? - Gina, oh, do you want me to search her on here? I totally will. - Yes, I need me some Gina. - Well, the headline she has right now, I'll start this so you guys can talk while I search Gina. But Camille and Kelsey have settled. Kids will be shared. Okay, so, and this was actually broken by TMZ, but I'm reading it on. - Okay, well, how much money is Camille gonna get? - It doesn't say it was reportedly like 50 million. - Yeah, that's what it was like a few months ago, so I don't know, I doubt after taxes, it'll be close to that, but you know, she gets the house and the boo. - Yeah, the kids will stay in Los Angeles with Camille, but Kelsey will have meaningful contact with both children. - What does that mean? - I hope there's quotation marks around them. - Yes, that was my fault. That was my mental air quotes. But this is the best part of the story. Note, attached to the court order, there is a separate document which states that Camille gets full custody of DeeDee. And DeeDee gets nine weeks of Camille free time at Camille's house in Hawaii. (laughing) What about Allison Dubois? - Oh, Allison. You know, once you make a mistake, Camille kicks you out. Like she's not gonna bring, she ain't gonna bring Allison back. DeeDee got banished from the rest of the season after going after Taylor. If anyone's gonna make Camille look like an asshole, it's gonna be Camille, damn it. She's not gonna have anyone standing her way. Adrian Malef is still making her shoes. - The house. - Here's a good one. The real house was the Beverly Hills casting call for the real housekeepers of Beverly Hills. We all know how important Hagface Kyle Richards' Lady Sitter is. So be on the lookout for a brand new reality to show the air possibly on Bravo. Producers are interviewing all over Beverly Hills for help. Oh my God, you guys. - Nobody in their right mind would ever let any of their housekeepers help. Even though the help is tray chic right now with an Oscar win for Octavia Spencer, nobody in their right mind would allow any of their help to be going on one of these shows. - Well, I hope Lisa Vanderpump does 'cause I wanna see that maid have a different bruise every other day. - Oh my God. - You know she thinks that maid. - It's probably their way of like gagging the actual help is by engineering a show about help where they can hire. - They're gonna hire fake actors that are playing maids so that their real maids can stay chained in the basement. - Exactly, you know that's what's going on. Is there like an ethnicity requirement? (laughing) Do they care? - They're all gonna be like bikini maids. (laughing) - Well, this is another way for them to have more friends. You know, like Bethany, all her friends work for her. So maybe they need more friends. (laughing) - Well, I wish I was watching Top Chef tonight and they showed it to Jeff Lewis, commercial and Zoila. Oh my God, I love her so much. Can't this, that woman just be on every show. I think I was also trying to watch American Idol earlier, which is not on this channel so we don't have to talk about it but it was so painful. And then I saw-- - That was the audience tonight. So let me just tell you. - Oh, it was, it was more horrible in the audience. - Actually, like the girls are better than the boys but like, oh my God, the judges are terrible. The audience won't. - They picked a lot of terrible ass people. Okay, well we shouldn't talk about that I guess. (laughing) - Side burn. - Yeah. - Watch what crap is on Side Show Network. - Yeah, but Zoila needs to be a judge on that show. She just needs to be like, my hand hurt. (laughing) - Shut up. - We'll get to the new upcoming shows in a second here but now that you mentioned Top Chef, let's dance on over to the land of Padma. - Season Finale Night on Top Chef, what do you guys think? - The most boring season ever. - You think? I don't know, I'm always fascinated because I love eating. So every time I'm like, hmm, I would never would have thought of that. Oh really? I wonder what does layers of flavor mean? What does complex flavors mean? I would like to know. I would like to know what this stuff tastes like. - Or like what? - All you need to know is that it all tastes like shit because everything that that bitch Sarah put out on her plates tonight looked like crap on a Leslie. Did that salmon or whatever she was making? Oh, that looked like little bricks. And she's like, oh my god, there might be bones in it. And so her and I use her with their bare hands like picking through the fish. Oh no. - And that was for sure. - It's an inner, what are those sweet breads and pig chat just like-- - It's like guts. - It's guts and whatever. She's trash. - She could have at least made it catchy and called it Guts and Grids. (laughing) 'Cause everybody loves it all iteration. (laughing) - Why does it need to be polenta with sweet breads? It's just so snotty, guts and grits. That's what it is. Let's not kid. Let's not kid it. - Is that the dish that could have used some crunch? I remember one of the eaters that-- - Yes, it did need some crunch because it looked like a pile of shit. - It did. It looked like a sunny side up pile of shit. It really did. - Okay, well, if any of you haven't watched the show tonight or you haven't watched it under DVR yet, spoiler alert, okay, you have two seconds to like turn this off. Okay, Paul won. Let's discuss. We all liked Paul. We were all rooting for Paul. No surprises, right? - No, I wish there would have been some sweet and sour chicken, but otherwise. (laughing) - Have you ever dated an Asian man? - Yes. - Did he cook delicious food for you? - No, no, no. He was a lazy Asian. He was a lason. (laughing) - Did he at least go down to the store and get smokes for you? - No, he didn't do anything, but get really super dramatic and cry about shit. I would be like, what did I do? I'm sorry I changed the channel during the commercial. It's like everything I did was so offended. He was a drama queen. I don't think it had to do as much with him. What am I trying to say? I don't think it had to do with him being Asian. - You're missing out on what you're trying to say. - Yeah, I don't think it was because he was Asian. I think it was just because he was like super gay. (laughing) - I blame the gays more than the Asians on that mess. - Okay, well, we'll get less hate mail now. - But I should have known that Paul was gonna win because he was wearing that goddamn scarf. - I know, a straight man in a scarf equals win. - Yes, that's why he was wearing a scarf. I didn't notice this. - In his diary videos, he was wearing a scarf and he was just like, oh, chilled back in his fancy little scarf. He's like, oh God. (laughing) - That's why I hate what reality shows do to people. They go in there so nice and they come out scarfwares. - And wearing fedoras. - And you just described Bethany. That's why I don't like her anymore. - Yes. - She wears scarf fedoras. You are so right. - Yeah, she was always a little holier than now and like above everybody, Bethany. But when she was poor, it was more acceptable, you know. - And she couldn't drive her Mercedes, like she couldn't drive the Mercedes to the Hamptons. Like what the? - The more we talk about this, the more I fucking hate her. - The? - It's so hard. This car is so hard. What are all these buttons? Why can't they just have a little stick that you pull and you go? Why does the car have to be like this? - I have a little sight though that now I think that we need to go on a field trip to get our eyebrows threaded 'cause I'm totally intrigued. - Threaded eyebrows. - Did you get our eyebrows threaded? - Is it called threaded or what does it call? - Yeah, this is called threaded. - I'm Lebanese. The last thing I need is threading. - My Univerr was not as bad as Hugh Atchison's, but you know, I could use a little spursing up. - Mine is. I lost my tweezers and I was like, oh, let's just see how this works out. Not good. I'll knit. - Are you almost asked on the shots of sunset? (laughing) - Well, isn't threading just pulling out the hairs one at a time instead of all of the wax? - I think so. I don't know. I was trying to understand, but I was confused. - I feel like I'm gay enough already without knowing what that is. Like, I'm totally fine without knowing. I'd just rather stay ignorant on that. So Sarah on Top Chef, I felt really bad because during a commercial break, you know how they always have those bravo polls and it said, who do you think should win? Sarah or Paul? Sarah got 8% of the phone. - Oh, I'm surprised she got 8% of the phone. (laughing) - Poor Sarah. - It must have been all of her friends in Chicago. I mean, Texas. Oh wait, I'm from, no, I'm from Texas. No, I'm from Chicago. (laughing) - Well, didn't you love, didn't you love that she got stuck working with like the first guy that kicked off? - Yes, I was gonna bring that up. Yeah, that's so funny. - I love it. - I just have to say this. Like, I was just watching at the beginning of that episode and I was like, you know what? This season has felt like it's been on since 1987. (laughing) - And I kind of want to kill myself. - Yeah, Bravo is not really having very much luck with their new programming. So it seems like they're making, I mean, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, maybe it's just because I had to write so much about it, but 24 episodes, like 23 or 24 episodes, I think 24 because they had to lost footage. - Okay, I am not complaining about that. I am not complaining about Beverly Hills. - Well, I don't- - 'Cause you don't have to write about it. - It's just too much of me. - If you think 10 pages- - You don't know how many money games there? (laughing) - You don't know me. (laughing) - All right, if a recap is roughly 10 pages, like if you put it into Microsoft Word, recaps are my recaps for an hour long show or generally 10 pages long. That means I wrote- - Sounds like a two-bath question and I am already failing. - Don't worry, anything, you can do anything times 10, you just add a zero to it. That's why I say 10. I don't say my recaps are nine pages long. They're not seven pages 'cause I can't do sevens, but 10, add a zero. All right, so 10 pages and there were 23 episodes that I recapped. That is 230 pages, you guys. I could have written a book. I could have been someone. Now what am I doing? - There's a dissertation. You can get a PhD for that. Send it off. - I could have been a doctor. - You could have been a doctor of recapping? - A doctor of recapping. - You know, I was on a stretch once where every show I was doing was two hours and then they would do like a double header. So I wanted to kill myself. It gets, you hate those shows when you have to spend that much time on them. - Yeah, we got yet another new writer on Biggest Loser and I thought, oh my God, bye. You know, like, why would I put anybody talented on that show? They always quit within like two episodes. I never see them again. I feel like I just put that girl on the chopping block. I was like, babbitch. So it's hard to have much to say about Top Chef because I actually really loved the season. I thought it was a really good season. It was one of my favorite seasons in a long time and I'm not just saying that to be contrary, Matt. But I really did like the season, but man, what a boring finale. - I think I'm just so pissed that, you know, Bev got the axe because I thought that Bev should have made it to the finale, you know, to battle nasty Sarah. But, you know, I liked it up until about two weeks ago, but that finale was just painfully boring. - I will say though, that, you know, the guy that helped Sarah that was kicked off in the first episode, if she had followed his advice on pickling those vegetables, she may have won. - Oh, good for me. - Oh, she was never gonna win. It was also, I mean, let's be real. This is completely set up from the get-go. Sarah could have made the most delicious meal in Paul, could have served, you know, feces and he stole the whole. - Right. - Right. - But how Chef is known for giving the evil person the win. I mean, so often, more often than not, it seems like the person who wins is the people that everybody hates. So I was actually worried for Paul going in because, you know. - That is true. In years past, they are willing to go there, which is kind of in a weird way of refreshing, that it's not always like the angelic one that takes the cake, but, you know, I never thought that Sarah was gonna actually win because the funny thing is if you watch those episodes really closely, Gail has always hated her. And if Gail hates you, you are fucked. - You know why Gail hates her? - Right. - Because Gail has weight issues and people who are always on a diet hate-fat people. So true, you guys. - She's like the warning. Sarah's her warning. (laughing) - She's like, if I'm trying to eat 1,200 calories a day and look at you, it's a fucking golden corral for your whole, I hope that's gone over there. - We're making your sausages. - Yeah. It's like the little kid whose mom won't let him go outside and play, eventually is the kid who goes and shoots everybody in school, you know? Like he just wants to play too soon, right? Sorry, I forgot about that recent one. - No, I was, oh, no, I don't. (laughing) - You in hell. - If that kid had just had enough snacks. - I would like to point out one of my favorite highlights of this season of Top Chef. That is that there is a restaurant in Texas called the Salt Lake. - Oh, hell yeah, baby. - Have you been there? - Of course. - It actually just made like the top 100 restaurants in the country list that came out last week. - Oh my God. And if honestly, if they really brought you out a Salt Lake on a plate, I would go there. If that's really what they did. (laughing) I'd be nice to go there anyways. - Is that the place with all like the open pit fire? - Yes, they did a challenge there this year. - Okay, I think that that just actually did make one of the best restaurants in the country list. Field trip. - Yes. - That place is delightful. Yeah, if you guys ever want to come to Austin with me, feel free. We'll go over there together. - There's a place called the Salt Lake. I have to. - I have a vegetable and is that gonna work? - Oh honey, you can never go to Texas. - I don't think Salt has any meat in it though. - I don't know, in Texas I bet it does. - That's true. (laughing) - I thought one thing that I will always be grateful to this season of Top Chef 4 is that very last scene after they crowned Paul the winner and then they cut to Sarah Sauvig and then they just cut to her diary room where she goes. (laughing) - I really believe that I deserve to meet up. (laughing) - Thank you, I'm gonna make that to a ringer. (laughing) - Every time, every time a fat person calls me, it's gonna go. (laughing) - I'm gonna say to me, "Don't show." - And I'm gonna hate that ringer because I'm always on a diet. That's how I understand poor little gale. So by Top Chef, next up would be Top Chef, just who knows, I'm sick of cooking. Well I was shocked, they can't cook shit on that show, but man, it's honey. (laughing) - Are you not a Top Chef, just desserts fam? - Yes, because those personalities, it's like watching musical theater people versus improv people, you know? (laughing) Prom people are like in plaid and they don't really groom and they're funny in like a weird way. Whereas theater people are like, "Drama!" (laughing) You know, like really fun and dramatic for no reason. I love just desserts. - And we don't need to see Padma in Western gear, which is a good time. (laughing) - Yeah, and Gail gets to say more on that show. She's taking more seriously on that show, which I like. So done with that, let's move on to some new shows. Matt, take us through the new shows coming up on Bravo so we can understand what to watch and what to avoid. - Okay, well there is, you know, there are a few bright spots in this dark, dark season for Bravo because recently a lot of their shows have not been hitting home runs. It's a Brad Brad world. - Yeah, I just don't think it's gonna come back for another season. - You know what? - They're ready for a mediocre. - K people, at least make an effort. Like just make an effort, please. You're making us all look bad. You know, my Papa's sitting at home changing channels and he's eventually gonna come across that show with a little guy flitting around in a bright pink suit. So please just make an effort. (laughing) That's all. - Is he putting us back? Is he like harming the cause? - I feel like he is harming the cause and I'm not saying you can't be who you are. I just think that who you are should just be less gross. Like just stop, you know? (laughing) It's not even the amount of-- - Okay, well-- - It's not even the amount of gainness. It's just all the crying and the like, I'm so important and take me seriously. Like no one takes you seriously because you're walking around in a pink suit sobbing in the middle of the street. Please stop. (laughing) - And you have a creepy boyfriend. - Yes, well. - Who is a walking corpse? (laughing) - How did Brad get a show? He was Rachel's, oh, is this a scene, yeah? - Yeah. Yeah, well she fired his ass and then Bravo. I don't know. Maybe Andy Cohen has a thing for Mr. Goresky, but I don't know. I mean, Brad clearly was the star of the Rachel's show, but yeah, again, like Kim Zolciak, do you need to spin off? No. - Right. - Brad, no. - And her other assistant, Taylor, that were there with Brad in the beginning, she's probably really pissed now. Brad got a show. - She was pissed regardless. She was always gonna be pissed and bitter and like dyeing her hair, like neon blonde and breaking it off at the roots and crying and yeah. - She just needed to wear a pink suit and run around, she coulda got a spin off. - Hello, she only wears black. Only black. Speaking of only black, let's talk about, I don't know, that's not a good segway, but upcoming shows. We have the new Jeff Lewis show where he and Jenny are gonna go around with soy love and give people, I don't know, home makeovers and some therapy. I love Jeff, he can do no wrong in my book, but I just don't know that this is gonna work. What do you guys think? - Jeff Lewis giving therapy? What? Has anybody watched the Jeff Lewis show? Why would Jeff Lewis give anybody therapy about anything? That guy still won't admit to wearing a rug. (laughing) - Well, here's this crazy thing. Flipping out is like one of the top two rated shows on Bravo, so they're just gonna try and milk his utters throughout the year for more ratings, but I don't know if it's gonna work. I mean, I like Jenny, but I don't know if I like her that much. - What kind of therapy is this? Do they help you like redo your living room or what? - Yeah, it's gonna be like, I'm a recent divorcee and my husband, you know, cheated on me with a young woman and now I need to redecombrate my living room is what I feel empowered and I need a new Persian rug from the Shah's of Sunset. - You need some vaginal rejuvenation, some fish oil bills and a lot of water, honey. That was-- - Okay, well, Jeff Lewis can't do that for you. - What about? - It's not gonna help you with a vaginal rejuvenation. - Does he know Feng Shui? Those people that know that, they make tons of money going into celebrities house and telling them to like move the plant? - Yeah, your life sucks because that plants in the wrong place. - Exactly. - Well, I will be watching the new Jeff. - Oh, I'm sorry, Matt, go ahead. - I'm just gonna say, well, clearly, the consensus is no one's gonna be watching. - You know, it looks wonderful to me. I love design shows. I love Jeff Lewis. - Look at what? - I love Zoila. So, to me, I think it's gonna be great, which means it'll probably fail. I'm not, I do not pick a winner. When I first saw Real Housewives of Orange County when it first came out, I was like, no, who would watch this, this bullshit? And then when it became popular, I refused to put it on the site. - That's how stupid I thought it was. And now look, it's like our whole site, so. - That's what I thought about Jersey Shore. I was like, what is this? No, I'm gonna watch this. - Me too, I won't watch that either. I just cannot pick a winner. - Okay, well, let's talk about selling New York. Is that gonna happen or not? - Again, I'm gonna love it. - But selling New York is not the one on HGTV. I'm sorry, million dollar listing New York is all the same. - Yes, you're selling New York, yes. I watch selling New York. Yeah, that one's on HGTV and million dollar listing New York is gonna be the spin off of a pretty unsuccessful show. - That show was hilarious, the first season, the million dollar listing with those little boys that were selling New York's date in Los Angeles. - It's fascinating and it's not ridiculous and they have had three seasons, so I don't know what you people are talking about. - That show, just, I mean, that show opens with Josh sitting in his weird smoking jacket Hugh Hefner robe and his-- - Talking to his grandmother. - Talking to his grandmother. What the hell? But I watch it again. I do watch it, but I thought nobody was watching that show. Isn't that show always in danger of being canceled? - It always is, but they always resurrect it. - And now it gets a spin off. - And now it gets a spin off. - He's a crossover it had with a millionaire matchmaker. - Of course. - Oh, what does he think of that? - I think Patti Stanger should die. (laughing) And I can't believe she has a show. I cannot believe that she's allowed to have like crossovers. I just think that she is a terrible monster. - Well, what is the crossover that you guys are talking about? - Madison, the gay one that used to not be gay, but is now gay and likes to wear cute little sweaters that lives in Malibu and, you know, works that property. He was set up by Patti on an episode of Millionaire Matchmaker. And he started smooching up on this dude and they went on like a surfing date. And then because Madison never takes off his pants, like it was not gonna go anywhere. (laughing) - Why won't he take off his pants? - 'Cause I think he's a kendall with, you know, one of those crutches that doesn't have anything. And the legs just yard-tached, but there's no bulge happening. - You know, I forgot that he was undecided when that show started. That rings a bell though. - Oh yeah, he just came out this past season. - Oh, okay. Well, he doesn't need a big one. He's obviously a bottom. He can't pronounce an S-type. (laughing) - I don't think he's ever said one S. But I mean, come on. - Oh my God. - Oh my God, I need a pair of permission slip. (laughing) Like I'm going to ask my mum to fax one in tomorrow. - Yeah, but could you imagine Madison being anything other than a bottom? I'm sorry, it's just not gonna happen. (laughing) - No, no Madison. - No. - Anyway, let's change gears. We have two other shows that are coming up. I'm actually excited about this one. And I didn't really know too much about it until the other day, but Kathy Griffin is coming back in here from Toronto. She's gonna have a new talk show just called Kathy because my life on the D-list is no more. So I'm excited for that. She's been around since the beginning. She and Vicki Gunville Center, the two women that are holding this network together. So, it should be interesting to see what happens, but now that Vicki used to stand, with Whitney, with Whitney, with Whitney Dead, I just don't know that Kathy is gonna have any more, you know, anything else to say. (laughing) - I will watch that one. I love her. - Kathy will always have something to say. And I'm glad that she's gonna be doing a talk show because life on the D-list, I mean, I know I'm a terrible gay, but I just couldn't, I was like, eh, I couldn't care. - Well, after a while, it like, you know, she was the reality TV show crush. She was getting famous, she was getting not like, she wasn't on the D-list so much anymore. - Well, no, and then she was just hiring her friends. Like, hey, Liza, here's 10 grand in a sack. Let's just go out to lunch and I'll film it. - Right, right, right, right. - Which you would think would be the best thing ever, but just doesn't, I don't know what it is. I think a lot of it is that you need characters to really like or hate. And Kathy Griffin's just like a little doll that you pull the string in. She just starts yapping and doesn't shut up until that string runs out and she goes to sleep for the night. And, you know, that's hard to get attached. Like, what are you waiting for for next week, you know? - Right, her mom, though, did a lot of good on that show. Her mom was hilarious. - Yeah, we love her, we love her. But speaking of next week, let's wrap this up with the Shah's of Sunset, which is about to debut on Bravo. It's gonna become the new Kingpin of Sunday Night TV. It's gonna be battling the Kardashians on the E-Network on Sunday nights. It's going to be the ultimate duel discuss. - Okay, so I've heard just a little bit about the show. Tell me the premise. - Persian people, lots of jewelry and accents. And that's all I know. - And what do they do? What do we watch them doing? - Ronnie would be the category expert here. So Ronnie, you can feel free to take it away. - Well, that show just really-- - You just totally took a big inhale of your cigarette, didn't you? - No, no, no, no, I'm not even smoking, but it's just how I breathe now because I smoke so much. My lungs are always just like gasping for air. I burn so many calories just trying to get air into my lungs. I don't know how much. - It was such a dramatic pause. I thought you were clearly taking a hit. - Because I'm just so disturbed. It's like bringing back, you know, as an adult, I got to move away from my Lebanese family and it feels like this is just shoving it right back in my face and I'm just disturbed and frightened and I feel fat and like everyone's gonna make fun of me. And, you know, I'm gonna judge people for having hairy backs and hair coming out of their ears and then one day I'm gonna be 36 and just wake up and see the same thing all over myself. And it's just not-- - I really think that you need some Jeff Lewis there. (laughing) - I'm not going to positive energy. - Your bunk sway is off. - It's either that or you need an eyebrow fretting because there's something clearly wrong. (laughing) - It's so disturbing. - When I live in LA, I love the Middle Eastern guys. Loved them. So I might like the show. - Well, yeah, because they still openly sexually harass you. You know, you're like one of those women who keep walking by construction zones just to feel hot, you know? I know you are. - Her name is Honey Gangsta. What do you expect? - That's right. And I have-- - She likes it. - I'm scared. - She likes that rough. So, Honey, you're like, what's going on? I mean, I keep looking at all these ads and I'm like, is this one family? Is it a neighborhood? Is it a city? - Oh, honey, the Middle Eastern people, there is no such thing as like a two-child family, you know? I mean, that's like one little sect. But, oh, I was about to say it's like terrorism. You chop off one head and another one grows in. But we're talking about Middle Eastern, so I guess I shouldn't use that analogy. But it is like-- - We've already talked about school shootings in apartheid, so why not? (laughing) Hatred for Asian boyfriend. - So, let's just go-- - Yeah, I don't think-- I don't think Persians are terrorists anyway, so you guys stopped blending all Middle Eastern people together. - Yeah. - I think that there is never just one-- - You're totally right, though. - There's not one member, it's a tribe, there is-- - Yes, and they're all cousins and brothers. Every person I knew went around in groups of 20 and they were all related. - Yes, and I think I told you guys this last week, but one of my family reunions was huge. I mean, it was like a convention center full of us, you know, like little stamps of us, and one of my uncles who does well for himself, but T-shirts for everybody, and this was like a couple hundred people, you know, it was a big-ass family tree, and the T-shirt said incest is best. (laughing) Because so many of the old-school immigrants like would marry their first cousin, you know, so so much of my family tree is just, you know, like first cousins banging and making babies. Meanwhile, I have depression issues, wed toes, I was bald when I was 20. (laughing) - Do you really have wed toes? - I do, yes. - Can you wear those special shoes with all of those weird toes shoes? - No, no, or can you not wear them? - My great-grandmother on my white people side had socks like that when she was really old and about to die, and I remember sitting with her while she was dying and looking at those adorable socks, they were like rainbow socks, and each little toe had a little sleeve or whatever, and I remember being jealous of a 90-something-year-old woman on her deathbed because that bitch could wear those socks, and I couldn't- (laughing) - I was so- - This shit is- - This shit is getting dark. - It is, right? - This is really dark. - But do you think this has been due to inbreeding? Is that what you're saying? - Probably. (laughing) - I think that's what we were going with us. (laughing) - But- - So I can tell you that- - Can you give us an idea? - My family is one of the most entertaining families ever, and I'm glad to be from them, and so I cannot wait for the show because it's gonna be, it's gonna be crazy. It's gonna be your mom and your aunt in everything you do, you know? You're not gonna be able to do one thing. - What do we expect? Is everybody just gonna be meddling in each other's lives? Is there gonna be shopping? Is there gonna be fighting? Is there gonna be gun play? Like, what should I expect here? - Yeah. - Probably not gun play, but there's gonna be a lot of cologne, which you could probably smell from your couch, and there were a lot of fake gold- - Okay. - Will it be Doc Hanwa? - What? - Draconwa? - Yeah. I'm assuming that it's like the, oh my God. (laughing) Evermind, what else can we expect? - I'm Alexis, I'm Alexis right now. (laughing) - Will there be a Mercedes from the early '90s with tinted windows? Probably, yes. There will be a lot of guys who are obsessed with the movie Scarface and trying to emulate it. There will be a lot of, I love you, bruh. 'Cause that's what those dudes say all the time. A lot of fighting over girls, a lot of fighting because the dad doesn't believe in the sun, like the sun never feels approved of by the dad, a lot of fat ladies. - That would be because he wants to like dance with hairy faces judging everything their kids do, but then the kids don't understand why they're being judged, but they're slutty, shallow people. It's gonna be wonderful. - There was this true life episode on where there was some Persian kid who wrote a book called, like, I used to be Persian, and his parents even sort of like mocking the person culture. His parents were so offended, they were gonna disown him. - Because he was no longer Persian. - Yeah, because he was making fun of the culture that they hoped so do. - Well, come on now, it's like when the Quakers have to go live in the real world for a year, and then they go back home all SDD written in like, you know-- - Runespringa? - Yes, and the persons have it right 'cause they never have to go live in the real world. They can stay, their world is big enough, it's populated enough that they never have to leave that little bubble, you know? And that's where that wonderful confidence comes from. - Now, cool, will any of them end up, you know, for lunch at Sur or Villa Blanca, or will there be no crossover here? - Oh, I went to Villa Blanca for a birthday party a few weeks ago, and it was our mainly town. It was all-- - Really? - Yeah, yeah, so yeah, they will be everywhere that's fancy, hip, expensive. Yeah, they'll be there, and they will be having the time of their lives. You'll get drinks spilled all over you, you'll get parts of your self-pinch that you didn't even know that were there. (laughing) But at the end of the night, you'll leave and you'll be like, I really love my family. - You might get a fake designer bag too. (laughing) - Can we just all go home with you for Thanksgiving? 'Cause like, I'm just begging for it. (laughing) - Lots of stuffed grape leaves and arguing. (laughing) - You guys, I think that will do it for the night. Are you satisfied? Is there any other bravo you would like to crappins all over? (laughing) - I just have to say that I have been watching a lot of watch what happens live this week and in recent weeks, and it's been actually kind of good, and I think that everybody should prepare themselves because tomorrow night, Thursday night, I don't know if this podcast's gonna be live by then, but Andy's guests are gonna be Nancy Grace and Chris Jenner, I mean, what a combo. (laughing) - Oh my God, there's gonna be a lot of silent farting on that episode. - Oh my God, it's gonna, it's Mustang TV. You know, Thursday night, must see TV used to be on NBC. Fuck the Huxables, this is must see TV. (laughing) - Well, we couldn't possibly end on a more offensive note than fuck the Huxables. (laughing) So, it's probably time to get going. You guys can find us on Tweeter. Matt Whitfield is @lifeonthemlist on Twitter. Honey Gangster is @honeygangsta. I am @flippet or @tvgasm. You can find us at yahoo.com or tvgasm.com. You can find my housewise videos at kenkeltv.com where I spoofed the housewise. And you can find watch what crap is here on iTunes or what's that network? I'm so sorry. Oh, SideShow Network. I knew you say. - SideShow Network. - SideShow Network, holler. So thank you everybody for listening. Thank you guys for being here and we will definitely be talking about watch what happens live next week. So check it out. Bye guys. - Bye. 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There's no need to wait for it anymore because it's here and it's funny and I love you. - A few days ago, Brooke Todine posted an inspirational quote on her wall that got 17 likes and three comments. Thumbs up, Brooke. Geico also wants to make a comment. In just 15 minutes, you could save hundreds of dollars on your car insurance by switching to Geico and nothing says inspiration better than saving money. Well, except for those posters that say things like teamwork, excellence, and make it happen. Hashtag, keep climbing. Hashtag savings. - Geico, 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance. - If you like Watch what Crap is, you can listen ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon music. Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey at Wondery.com/survey. Are you in trouble with the law? 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Slade's Standup, Top Chef Finale and Kim Z's Show
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