Jan 26, 2012
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That's Audible.com/crapins or text Crapins to 500-500. - This episode of Watch What Crapins is brought to you by GameFly.com. Go to gamefly.com/haha for your free 15-day trial. (upbeat music) - Hey everyone, this is Ben from bsideblog.com and you are listening to Watch What Crapins, a new podcast that's about everything Bravo. And joining me today is Ronnie Karam from TVguysm.com. - Hello. - And normally we would have Matt Whitfield from Yahoo here with us, but he got called into the office because he has to write something about the Oscar nominations or some sort of crap like that, whatever. - Yeah, that's stupid. - Yeah, we don't approve that. Like Housewives and Bravo and Andy Cohen are far more important. - Yeah, I'm gonna come out with the Silent Housewives and finally win my damn Emmy. - Oh, I would love that. That would be really interesting. You know, Vicki Gunville, so I'm gonna be great for that. She's got a very expressive face. Same camp he's had for the other women. They don't really have much movement. - Vicki's boob scars say so much. (laughing) Her boob scars would play the part of the dog, you know? (laughing) She'd be like, roll over and her boobs would like spread out. (laughing) - That's supporting actress, Vicki's boob scars. (laughing) - Well, I'd watch that movie any second. (laughing) So this is actually our, this is a little confusing. It's our first episode, but the truth is that Ronny, Matt, and I recorded an episode a week ago and it was a great, great, great episode. And then the damn file was corrupted. So y'all missed out on some great banter about Bravo. - I know, so it was, it's kind of a continuation of Housewives Ho Down, the last podcast. So it's the first episode of the new Housewives Ho Down, but it's the second episode of the old, so confusing. - You're just making it worse, Ronny. I mean, basically if for people who haven't been following our saga, which is shocking, 'cause I thought everyone knew about this, we used to do a podcast called Housewife Ho Down, which is all about the real Housewives. But that podcast folded and it was for, it was for a company and it's no longer, it's no longer happening. So we decided to join forces again and podcast all about Bravo. And you know, what better time to do it because the real Housewives of Beverly Hills just wrapped up its season on Monday. And what did you think about that finale? - Well, another unfair thing about the last week's "Getting You Raised" is that that episode was awesome. - Yeah. - And this week's episode was so lame. I was like, what can we even talk about? Pandora got married, no one cares. It was the pinkest wedding I've ever seen. Who, Paul Fartid a lot getting a colonoscopy or whatever. - That was actually funny, that part. That's sad. - That was really funny. - That was the beginning. It's sad they had to front load this episode with Fartid. Literally, they had to have Fartid to make this episode funny and interesting. - Yeah, they're like, let's make an extra episode to make this season end well and show that Taylor's okay after the suicide. How can we do that? Farting, lots of farting. - Now, if it had been Taylor farting, that would have been a whole different story. I would have been behind that. (laughing) Taylor cried farting. (laughing) She farted through her tear ducts. She's had so much surgery that things are coming out the wrong end. But she farts, her eyelids actually flutter. - It's like when you get liposuction and you only grow fat back in weird places, like you'll get a fat nose because your stomach can't take any more fat. (laughing) - That's happened with her farts. - Yeah, the farts just find a new way to come out. - So if she winks at you, she's just really trying to hold in Hershey's words. That's what you should know. (laughing) - Oh, so that episode was kind of lame for the most part, but it was also just bizarre because the whole season we've been waiting to see how Bravo's gonna deal with this whole suicide thing. We got a little bit in the very beginning of the women gathering in the first episode to say, "Oh, it's so sad and cried." They all felt so guilty, and they were saying at that time, "Oh, we were just going off what she told us." They were basically calling her a liar. And then the way they did deal with it was Taylor came over, all smiles, and they had a great time together at the end. (laughing) - I don't know. I thought Taylor had like a sadness behind her eyes, or maybe I was just reading into her. I mean, she is sort of like a blank slate, but you can sort of, you can project your own perceptions of her onto her face 'cause she can't really show so much emotion. But I don't know, I thought that she seemed a little muted. I thought she seemed, you know, she looked like someone whose husband may have just hanged himself. So, you know, she didn't seem to be the happiest. She seemed like she was trying really hard to convince us that she was happy, but I didn't buy it. - Oh, I didn't see any difference between her there and Kennedy's birthday party. You know, put a cowboy hat on her in a giant horse-based next to her, and it would have been the same thing to me. And Ace Young singing off-keys and that song. - Well, she revs up her lines to go jump 'em in the woods. ♪ It's your husband's suicide ♪ - That song he made for Kennedy's birthday. ♪ It's your birthday ♪ - They got her a friggin' horse. I mean, for crying out loud, these people are just absolutely ridiculous. Well, I mean, what did you think about this season as a whole? I mean, 'cause the finale was objectively boring and stupid. I mean, who cares about the flowers, the cake and Pandora and all that stuff? - I think with 13 episodes or 14 episodes, it would have been a perfect season. But man, they stretched that out. I mean, they're getting longer every year. Remember when it used to be 13 episodes? The house was, it was like 13 episodes. You know, it was like three months of fun, and then they were onto a different city. And now it's like half your freaking life. I was younger when the show started. I was a year younger. - Well, that would actually make sense 'cause we are all technically younger, you know, in the past. But just so you know, I just wanna keep you, wanna make sure you realize that. - But normally I would be a three months older, and now I'm like five months older. - Unless you're a Benjamin Button and you're actually getting younger as a younger or whatever. - But it's so great. - I thought I liked the length of the season. 'Cause you know why? Because I like these women, and I find that there are compelling stories that are being told. So I'm fascinated to know what's going on with them. You know, it's not like Atlanta, where literally nothing is going on. I mean, they like go dancing, you know, or they sit down and they talk about something, vibrators, whatever. I mean, here like there's at least some sort of like through line, and I care what's gonna happen, and there's like this tragic undertone both from Caim and from Taylor. I was very happy with the length. I'd rather have a longer season of Beverly Hills than an overlong season where the women are just stupid and bad, but like OC. - Yeah, so OC was painful last year. And Atlanta, they can't even talk to each other anymore 'cause no one's talking. So it's like, how do you have any storylines? It's just Vadra and her funeral home, which is hilarious to me. I don't care what anyone says. - Yeah, it's a strange plot twist there, I have to add. - What happened? I didn't catch this week, so you have to fill me in. - Oh, no, nothing happened. I'm saying it was a strange plot twist in that. They decided, you know what, for this season, let's give her a funeral home. Let's make that for her art. It's like, we could have it that, you know, normally it's always something like, I want to renew my vows, I want to just say, no, no, that's a funeral home. That'll be fun, you know? - That's hilarious. - And I wish, you know, I used to wish that they would show her as a lawyer, but then actually seeing her in action as a lawyer, I'm glad they didn't do that because she is one boring ass lawyer. She's like, hi, judge. Oh, did you get that chocolate I sent you? Oh, good. Okay, he won't do it again. Okay, thank you. You got my trunk of cash, bitch. - So she has really a very peculiar law practice that's going on. Well, first of all, there was that, yeah, there was an incident where she was representing some low-level guy who got busted on like a weed charge. And then she had to present him from that judge who looked sort of like a claymation character. You know, his eyes were really like close together in a bow tie and like buck teeth. Like, I thought he was like out of chicken run, you know? And then there was like, and then she represented Shirei. And here's something interesting. One of the readers on my blog noted that the woman that Phaedra like appealed to or whatever, that wasn't even a judge. It was like a clerk. They may have seemed like she was presenting in the court. It was just a, it was just, the judges was an older black woman. And the woman that they showed was just like some frumpy white lady. So I don't even know what's going on. (laughing) - They're just making sit up. Phaedra is like a notified, what are those people called that stamp things? - A notary? - Yeah, a notary. She's just a notary republic. (laughing) - I think so. But you know what though, I have to say, I'm really loving Phaedra this season. She's, I think, last season, she was like full of so much bullshit. And this season, she's just like funny. And making, you know, she just, every scene she walks into, she always seems to say, ♪ Girl, a child ♪ ♪ Got five more times, you know ♪ And that's all I need. - I love Phaedra. And I loved her from the first second she was on that show. - Really? - And I will always love Phaedra. Yeah, I remember one of the episodes we did last year when you guys were all over my case for loving her. I love her. I think she is so funny. And she's one of those ladies who's seen herself on TV and actually become a better person for it. - Yeah. - It's nice to see that. - Yeah, she was like, oh, well, I was kind of an asshole, I guess. So I'll learn to be nice. And you can see her biting her tongue half the time. - Yeah, well, you can also see she's not taking it seriously. You know, she's just having fun. She's making jokes at everyone's expense and she doesn't really give a shit, you know. I really want to see, I want to see Meany and Phaedra go at it because one thing that came out of this latest episode, you know, they're going to Africa. So it's a whole episode of them getting ready to go to Africa. So there's really not a lot going on. So Meany was like hanging out with this new Marlo chick and she was saying, like, well, you know, all those girls, like the short ones can stand over there, like Shiree and Candy and Phaedra. And we'll be, the tall girls will be over here. So it'll be Cynthia and Meany and Marlo. But I didn't know that Meany and Phaedra had a beef. Did you know that? - Yeah, I actually was sitting around, actually I was working out. No, I wasn't. I was sitting on the couch eating like popcorn or something. And it happened to, you know, how Bravo just shows it 24 hours a day. It was on. And they were showing the reunion episode from last year. And I was dying laughing because Meany was arguing about every little thing. She's like, Phaedra, say I know her. I don't know, Phaedra. That's what she said. I don't know. Phaedra's like, yes, you do. We went to the same school, of course we know each other. And she's like, no, we don't, Phaedra. You just trying to get in on my jelly, whatever. So I can know, we know each other. Then why did you call me a few years ago trying to get a favor from me? Well, I was calling you as a lawyer, not as a French. Give me a break. Meany is so full of shit. And Meany's always hated Phaedra and hated her from the very beginning. But Meany hates everybody. The only reason she's being nice to Marlo is because she's new. Those two are gonna be awesome fighters. - Oh, they will be. Well, Marlo's gonna get into a big fight in South Africa next week. They had a big, long preview for it. And it looks like Marlo gets into it with someone. I don't know who she gets into it with, but she gets into it for real. - Well, it won't be, it won't be Meany because right now she's kissing Meany's ass because if she becomes Meany's best friend, then she'll get a spot on the show. So she's making sure she's got the bully in her corner, but I don't think she'll get on the show unless Meany quits. 'Cause that's the only reason Marlo's in the wings anyway, is to be the new bitch. - Yeah, that's true. I mean, she literally gave Meany one of her Chanel bags today. She gave Meany a tour of her up her townhouse. And I was like, she brought her into the closet and was like, "We Chanel bag you like." And he was like, "Well, I like that one." And then she's like, "Okay, that's your new Chanel bag." And so they were, she was like, as blatantly kissing Meany's ass as you could possibly be. The other funny thing about Marlo is that she literally has like a townhouse, a condo. And she has a full-on security thing going on. She has cameras in every single room and she has a security panel. It's like the second coming of sliver, you know what I'm saying? And it's like, I'm just like Sharon Stone to come walking through or something like that. It is out of control. And I don't know why she needs to have all that. I mean, she has like three rooms. - Like panic room. - Yeah, panic room with Jodie Foster. - Oh, I would love to see the Nini Leaks version of that. Of panic room. I think any room where you're locked with Nini Leaks will be a panic room. (laughing) - It could be the DMV, it turns into the panic room. - Just give her her license. - Everyone, let her go to the front of the line, please. - Oh gosh, she'd be a nightmare at the DMV. - Yeah, well, it's funny to watch Marlowe because she's obviously, you know, the sad thing about this, it's like the real world, how it went from being about real people who just kind of got used to being filmed to now all these like young, hot people. And now I'm not saying that on this show, they're all young, hot people, but they're so aware now, they've all seen the show, they know what's coming. They know that if they're gonna keep their jobs, they can't eat anything and they have to divorce their husband because someone does that every year. So they're kind of learning the ropes and it's not as fun to watch. I mean, you look at someone like Marlowe, that could have been five seasons of storylines of people realizing that Marlowe's been in jail seven times, Marlowe's fucked like every old guy in town. You know, all this stuff that she just laid out in the first episode because she's like, "Look, I know the bloggers are gonna be going crazy, "so here's the deal, I've been a jail 80 times "so I'm a serial killer, you know, like it." I fucked my way to where I am, at the end. It's like, what do we have even left for her to do? Go away, Marlowe. - Well, she's gonna fight with someone, whoever it is, and then they're gonna throw it down. I wanna see Phaedra get into a fight. I bet she would be real good in the fight, you know? She sort of stays out of it though. She has that stupid, annoying southern bell thing that she likes to sort of be every now and then and be all classy and such. - Yeah, she has that polite country club woman way of dealing with fights where she stays very calm and she just says it like it is. Like, with Nini in that reunion fight, she totally took Nini down. And Nini looked like a damn fool for even pretending not to know her. But it was almost boring because she just did it in such a calm way and it made Nini crazier and crazier and crazier and crazier, which was fun to watch, but she's not gonna, you know, she's not gonna be good for the big brawls. - Yeah, I mean, that's really where Marlowe's gonna step in. And you know, Shiree has been like on the mute button. I mean, she had her fight on the season premiere, but she's not like Shiree's hardly been on this entire season. She just sort of like is around here and there buying cars and I feel like Shiree's always buying a new car by the way. It's always like a maserati or an Aston Martin. - No kidding. And meanwhile, she's living in a motel, say, so with her four son eating fucking off-brand cheerios, you know, like, could you spend some of that lease money on your kid, babe? - Shiree didn't do anything last year either, as I recall. - That's true, although she was, she took acting classes last year, which was kind of funny. And she did do that bottom dancing, which was also kind of funny. I like it when Shiree tries to like be creative because she really can't be. And she's really like about as wooden as, I don't know, something that is stereotypically wooden, a tree, perhaps. And she's just like, she's like, she's so rigid, you know? And I love when she tries. - She's as wooden as wood. She should really relaunch she by Shiree. I feel like that never really got its, its true moment in the sun, you know? - Yeah, she's not really giving everything enough of a chance. - What? - I would like to see her acting career bloom. I was watching Friday, actually the same day. It was like Black People Day on my TV. I was watching Real Housewives of Atlanta all day, and then I watched Friday. And I think next Friday was on. And I was like, wow, there is some terrible, terrible acting in this movie. And there are some actually decent actors in that movie, but man, that acting is bad. Shiree could be in Friday. - Yeah, oh, she totally could. And I'm, well, you know, I think I would see any movie that had Shiree in it, especially if she had like a prominent role, that's for sure. Do you remember? - I think I would have enjoyed Mission Impossible, Ghost Protocol more, if Shiree was in it, I'll be honest. - Yeah, if Shiree was playing the role of Paula Patton, I would have been very happy with that. If Shiree, I think she would have done a better job than Paula Patton also, by the way. - Well, I don't think you're giving her enough credit. I want to see her straddle a building like Tom Cruise and be like, I'm going to, I'm going to cloud this building in Dubai. Oh my God, dirt's coming. I ain't getting dirty, like, outrunning the dust cloud because she doesn't want to get dirty. - What's your, what are you talking about? We're going to Dubai. No, we're not. We're going back to Atlanta. What do they have in, what do they have in Dubai? That they don't have in Atlanta. - You think we're going to go to Atlanta? Where do you think we're going to go to Dubai? And I go to Atlanta? They don't have a Rosie tomorrow's there. - Rosie, Mexico, whatever it's called. - We can do bad things in Atlanta. We don't need to go buy things in Dubai. - She thinks she's not special. - You know how, like, when Shreya gets excited, like her voice gets all sort of garbled, sort of like mine. She gets to like, you can hear, like, saliva in her mouth, you know? She gets all sorts of like, what's she got to do? What's she got to do? What's she want to do in Dubai? - We got all right here. (laughing) - Why are you? - She gets that really hot bitch. I love her, I love Shreya. - I know, I love her. I remember she was such a bitch. She was like the worst. I hated her the first season, and now I love her. - Yeah, I do too. Well, you get used to terrible personalities, you know? On these shows. Like, you don't even realize how terrible they are anymore. I have a guy working on editing some of the footage for me to put a mashup together, some of the housewives stuff this season, and he's never seen the housewives. And I was, you know, showing him how I wanted him to do it or whatever. And he made it through about 10 minutes, and he was like, what is this crap? People watch this, these people are horrible, horrible people. - That's so good. - You're gonna have a kid. - Speaking of horrible people. So I heard that Peggy is no longer on the OC housewives cast. Did you hear about that? - Yeah. - Why did I do that? Look, I'm getting my Shreya voice. - I don't know. Probably Alexis, I mean, if I'm guessing, Alexis probably threatened not to come back, and Alexis is just too perfect to not come back. - Yeah, 'cause I thought it was gonna be, I thought after the reunion last season, when Peggy and Alexis were going at it, you know, about Jim and whatever, I was like, okay, finally. Like, this is setting up a big rivalry for the next season, and this will be our three line for the next season. It'll be like, it'll be Peggy versus Alexis. It'll be awesome. And now they don't have Peggy anymore. - Yeah, I don't know. Let's see if we can find it. Peggy fired real fast. - I mean, she's still gonna appear on it, 'cause she's in the promo, but she's, you know, they really are. They over-tinkered with that cast. They should never have gotten rid of Lynn. That's for sure. - I agree, because one of the funnest parts of last season was when Lynn came back to bitch about Gretchen stealing her purse idea. - Oh yeah. - But I make purses. (laughing) - Oh, I love Lynn, and her like fucked up miserable daughters. And her substantial debt. - I see a lot that she's fired, but it doesn't say why she was fired. Come on. - That's annoying. - I think Alexis really is probably one of the worst housewives of all time. I mean, she is down there. I mean, she's just so righteous and stands for the wrong things and all that stuff. And she's a terrible-- - Alexis? Yeah, but that's Alexis. I mean, come on, how can you not, how can you watch that show without Alexis? That definitely-- - No, I know. I like that she's there. I like that she's a great villain, you know? I'm happy that she's there. I'd rather her than someone who's just like totally forgettable. You know, like a Cynthia on Atlanta. - Well, here's Peggy's statement. - Okay. - It's from "Twit Longer" for people who cannot keep their mouth shut. Hello, everyone. Many of you have been asking about season seven if I'm returning. After months of negotiation and soul searching, I've declined their offer to return to the show. I just felt it in my heart that being around the negative energy of certain cast members, being forced to have dramatic confrontations and the time it would take me away from my family was just not a healthy path for me. Wha, wha, wha. - She probably-- - So, Alexis is a bitch, but she's still gonna launch 10 products off the show. - Yeah, well, Peggy probably tried to ask for more money and they said, "No." And then she's like, "Okay, I'm not gonna do this." - Or maybe she watched that stupid Dena Manzo making millions of dollars for only doing one season off other projects. And speaking of that Dena, I was watching "Iron Chef" the same day on "Black People Day." - Oh, really? - I don't think they were black. I don't think there were black people on it, though. - Oh. - I'm gonna write it. I'm writing a letter. I don't even know why I was watching it. - Your day was totally ruined. - Well, there was an-- - Oh, I know. - There's an Asian guy who was just so, it's sort of like, minority day. (laughing) Is that how it sounds? - You try and have a theme day and they screw it up. But I was watching "Iron Chef" the other day and Dena Manzo was one of the judges. Okay, you guys want us to believe this is the toughest cooking competition in the world. - Yeah. - And then you have Dena as one-- What the hell is Dena ever done? Give me a break. - I know. - Since when does she qualify to talk about food? I mean, she, I don't know if you ever saw like, I don't actually believe she's a very good interior designer. I seem to remember her house being like full of lots like Choshgis and clutter and junk and she's got that weird cat. So I just wouldn't trust her with my food, you know? I'm not gonna trust her. - Yeah. - Well, her taste levels. - Oh, sorry. - Yeah, well, just look at her. She's the housewife of New Jersey. Don't ever let one of those bitches into your house. - Well, let me tell you something. Iron Chef, to me, lost a lot of legitimacy when they once had as one of their competing chefs, Ralph from season one of Hell's Kitchen. Okay, this guy was the runner up for Hell's Kitchen. He did not even win it and they had him on Iron Chef as if he was some high caliber chef. And I can assure you because I was there at Hell's Kitchen for the tasting, for the season finale, I tasted Ralph's food and it sucked. So the fact that they had him on Iron Chef, that to me was when that show lost a lot of legitimacy. My little rant for the day has nothing to do with Bravo, by the way. - Yeah, sorry, I took it there. But Dina Manto, she was on there and she's just so freaking annoying. And I've seen, like this is her contribution. I really enjoyed what you did with the chicken. Thanks, Dina. You know this is Iron Chef, right? So she also has that show now on Home and Garden Network that's like, "Dina, does you ride or whatever?" And it's Dina going in, and she doesn't just decorate people's homes, it's for special events. So someone will have a party and they want a cowboy theme and she'll be like, "I'm going to transform it." I really hate what you've done with you. And then she goes and criticizes their entire home. You know, like we make some feel like crap and she's not even there to design the home, you know? She's like, "Oh, this living room is horrible. "It's the ugliest thing I've seen." All right, so let's have the country party in the kitchen. (laughing) We're now bringing some ace stacks and some horses. Let's get to it. Like what a bitch. That sounds good. I would totally watch that. (laughing) So are you watching Top Chef Texas? Speaking of bitches. Yeah, loving that show. There's a whole lot of bitches on Top Chef Texas. I'll tell you that much. Mm-hmm. Pretty much all the fat women are bitches on the show. Like, you know the stereotype of fat women being bitches? It's all confirmed on this show. (laughing) They really are. And Top Chef usually has, you know, they've had a couple of female villains. It's not like they've never done that, but the guy's usually way outside the women in the villain department. There's usually four or five douchebags from the guy department, and this time it's all the chicks. I mean, there are some bitches. Yeah, the girl with the short hair. She, first of all, she looks like she's a great chef. I mean, her food always looks amazing, but man, is she a bitch. And on top of that, she's apparently straight, which is a big surprise for me. Big surprise. Why is that a surprise just because she's a big girl with the short haircut? Yeah, basically. (laughing) I thought she was a lesbian, for sure. Like, I just automatically seemed to, maybe that's just my own awful stereotyping, but I really thought she was a lesbian. (laughing) Well, I certainly wouldn't be shocked. I guess I'm just surprised that she's having sex. You know, I'm always surprised that people like that. Because I, you know, I get to be 20, 30 pounds overweight, and I'm like, "I'm untouchable, don't look at me!" I won't look at myself when I go take a shower. I'm so, I'm such a bitch to myself. So when I see other people, especially girls like that who can't even stand up outside, you know, to cook her fucking meal, girls like that get laid. I'm like, "Come on now, that just seems to be..." I know, right. And she has such a bad haircut, you know? I mean-- Whatever happened to hating yourself, I mean, what have we come to? (laughing) It's, you know what? She has like a Dorian gray situation going on. I feel like where her food, the more amazing her food turns out, the worse she looks, you know? Like she is like her painting in the attic, except she's not in the attic. She's just standing over her food. I don't know if that metaphor made sense, but I'm gonna go with it. (laughing) You're bringing literature into the wrong podcast. I know, and by the way, I will never have food served by her because she will hear this perhaps someday and be like, "That guy's an asshole." But you know what though? She was a bitch first, she was a bitch first. So I'm gonna make fun of superficial things. And you know what, 'cause she can change her hair, okay? She can change her hair. She does not have to have that stupid haircut. Yeah, I agree. I just wish that she wouldn't be such an asshole. And she doesn't understand when people, she's one of those people who just doesn't understand, even when she's called out on it. You know, that day when she went home sick or whatever, and she's like, "Oh my God, it's so hot, I can't stand, I can't breathe." It's like, "Yeah, okay, it's no one's fault that you're 200 pounds overweight, first of all." So then at the end of that challenge, someone else, someone else from her team gets kicked off, and that wasn't really nice, because she wasn't even there to do the challenge. Someone else gets kicked off for pulling her weight, and that was Taylor or whatever. - Yeah, I can't stand. So this is something we talked about on the long, forgotten or destroyed podcast. But Tyler, I was so glad he got kicked off actually, because I couldn't stand his oom lot, I couldn't stand his hyphen, and I couldn't stand his hipster facial hair or whatever. And on top of that, there were naked photos of him that went up on the internet, and they were disgusting. Did you see those after that? - Yeah, yes, he needs a trimmer. I just wanted to, if I wasn't so poor, I would just buy a trimmer, send it to Bravo, and have him give it to him. If you're gonna be naked on my screen, you have a responsibility to manscape. - Yeah, I think he needs some Tabitha coffee to go in and give him, like, Tabitha takes over his body here, because quite frankly, it was nasty. It was like this very, like, throwback to 1978, kind of porn, like Harry, and Luce, and whatever. Like, talk about someone else who, like, should be hating himself. Like, what's the deal with these people with their lack of self-awareness when it comes to their bodies? It's really a lesson for us as the consumers of this product. - A good dose of self-hatred can be very inspiring to take better things for yourself, all right? Stop reading self-help, America. But also, that guy's naked pictures, but I have to say a little bit more about them, because the other thing that was offensive to me is that he didn't even bother getting a boner. You know, there's a very big difference between seeing a guy naked, sexually ready, and seeing a guy who's just naked. Like, if I have a hot boyfriend or something, I love when we're having sex in these naked, of course, but in the house, don't be naked, don't be sitting on my couch naked, don't be fucking making me breakfast naked. I don't like that, it's gross. I don't know why it's gross, but it's gross. - Well, it depends, if someone is really hot, I think they will look good, naked, no matter what, but if you are lumpy and soft and hairy, like, Thai lore is, Thai lore whose last name is boring, Tyler boring. Last name cannot be more appropriate. Yeah, we don't need to see just like standing there. This is like, if you go to the gym, you see all those old guys naked in the locker room, and ladies, that's what happens, and I'm sure it's the same in the ladies' locker room. So with these old sort of loose-skinned old men, just wandering around, it's just too much to look at. And you don't want to look at it, but it's always right there on your face for some reason. That made it sound really bad. It made it sound like I was giving it a low job in the locker room with old guys, but that is not the case. - Well, I saw one of my really good friends at the gym, and whenever I see a friend at the gym, I'm like, oh, no, how am I gonna take a shower? Because usually I'm going to the gym before I have to go somewhere else, so I have to take a shower, and he was going to swim laps, and I was like, oh, thank God I can take a shower. So I go in the shower, guess who's in the shower with a friend? I'm mortified, you know? And now all I can see whenever I see this guy is him naked. I don't want to, I just don't, and I like naked. I like naked, guys, but I still, like I said, if it's not gonna be for sex, I don't want to see it. Put on a rope. If you don't have a boner, put on some clothes. - My feeling is if you have a body like tie-lores, look, you know, I have to give them credit for being proud of how he feels, and getting up there, and being naked, and whatever. 'Cause, and by the way, I should tell the readers that these were not like pictures, like private pictures that got leaked out. This was like a photo shoot, you know? This was like for like some Brooklyn zine, probably, that was like all for like retro gay art, you know? But that being said, it was nasty, man. It was real nasty, real unpleasant. Real like, you know what, the reason why he probably didn't have a boner is 'cause he probably killed his own boner, by already anticipating what his pictures would look like. - Maybe they showed him the digital pictures, and he's like, "Oh, can't do it." - Yep, 'cause I'll tell you what they bet. Those pictures are boner killers for anyone, even lady boners. - Speaking of boner killers, I wanted to tell you about this thing I read on stupidhousewise.com, about Taylor Armstrong's book. But there, before it even came out, you know, they can't have reviews until the book's released obviously. - Yeah. - But what they do have is tags, customers associate with this product. So, do you want people to go on and write tags? Okay, so this was on stupidhousewise.com. And I just think it's hilarious. I have a bookmarked 'cause I laugh every time. Okay, tags, customers associate with this product. Con artist, 69, grifter, 65, full of lies, 58, domestic violence fraud, 51, sociopathic women, 47. Borderline personality disorder, 44. Shana Hughes, 42, fiction, 40, manipulator, 40, skank, 35. Lynette Sype, 27, which I don't understand, do you? - No. - Lynette Sype, crocodile tears, 23, liar, 22, Shana Lynette Taylor, 19, shaft, 17, disgusting 12, eater of crow, 11. - That's a good sign. - Eater of crow, shame on publisher 10, hystronic figures, I don't think that's right, but nine, published, should recall eight, lesbian seven, despicable excuse for a human being six. - That's like Jesus, man. - That's her Amazon before it's even released. Jesus, wow, wow. - You gotta love it. But one thing I thought was interesting in here and I wanted to ask you about it is lesbian because the rumors were that she's banging the lesbian from OC, what's her name? - Yes, Fernando, I heard about that. And Fernando, I think, confirmed it, did she not? - I'll type it into the old Handy Google, Fernando. - I mean, it seems like a strange move for Taylor 'cause I feel like the other ladies would look down on that and I think she's very cognizant of staying in the good graces of the likes of Lisa and Kyle and all of them. - Well, I don't know, but the story on reality, T.com, is the headline is Real Housewives Taylor, Armstrong, Lesbian, Fling, Confirmed by Fernando Rocha. - Wow. - Says Taylor, Taylor hurt her. A scorned Fernando tells and types that despite their crazy chemistry, Taylor had no problem tossing her aside once she realized the hookup wasn't good for her image. - See? - Well, Fernando-- - You have to wonder about Fernando, though, I mean, how-- I mean, she's desperate to be on, I think, to be on camera. I mean, I think she was supposed to be the part of the cast of the OC last season and then she never made it on officially, so I think she's trying to ruffle some feathers or maybe Taylor got drunk and kissed her once, you know? And Fernando thought it was a relationship, you know? Those things do happen. - Yeah, well, I thought it was funny on OC when Fernando's trying to go after stupid, evil, what's her buzz? - Tamara. - I don't cut, I black these women out until they come back on my TV. But she's trying to date Tamara and all that and then she's in the gym with some-- I think it was-- - For X. - Lin, right? - For X, yeah. - Listen to Lin and Lin's grilling her about it and then we find out that Fernando's big, bull-dikes, softball coach, ex-lover who runs this gym with her is all jealous and they're still kind of together. It's like, "Geez, Fernando." - Well, you know who Fernando's next target is? What's her face? - What's her face? - What's her face from Top Chef? The short hair, short hair, you know? - Oh, God. - No, I think she needs one lipstick and one bull-like at the same time. And I think as long as she's got the gym with bull-like, she's gonna leave lipstick. You know, she just needs lipstick. - Yeah, she needs a new target. I don't know who it could be now, but no, there are plenty of options out there for her. Well, she's actually, Fernando's quite hot, you know? - Oh, yeah, she's gorgeous. - She could land anyone that she wanted, that's for sure. - But I couldn't be with anybody who's so positive. I hate that fake positivity because normally people like that are crazy and evil, like underneath it all. And it comes out in a fight later, you know? They always start off like, "Oh, you just need to know the spirit of your soul." So if you stop concentrating on fighting and concentrate on the feeling and the love in the world, you get into a fight with that. Like, you don't do the dishes one night and they're like, "Your mother never loved you. "You piece of shit." You know, like, their darkness comes out. - Yeah, oh, for sure. - You know why I could never be with someone like Fernando? - She's a foreigner. - No, just kidding. (laughing) Although you have to admit, her little like naturalization party was the saddest party that has ever been filmed in the housewives. If you don't even-- - I don't even remember it. - Yeah, that's how bad it was. It was like her sitting there with her, like two people holding like American flags and waiting for Tamara to show up. And Tamara's like, "Oh, sorry, I was moving." (laughing) - Oh, yeah, it's like, it hurts my feelings. And Tamara is like-- - It hurts my feelings and you don't understand what I'm moving. How selfish. (laughing) - I love those women. - Oh, those evil bitches. Is there anything else before we wrap up? Is there any other shows on Bravo you've been checking out? - No, I'm pretty much a top chef in Real Housewives. Boy, I have to draw the line into a lot of Bravo stuff. Chef Roble, I cannot watch a show with another faux-hoc. - Yeah. - And a guy that's writing a skateboard in his own promo. No, you're too old, bro, what else is on there? Tabitha. - I've been meaning to watch. We talked about this again last week that in the podcast that was destroyed, about how she did a makeover for Ripples, the gay bar down in Long Beach. So I'm intrigued to see how she fares with that. Although I've never been to Ripples. Although I believe you said that you used to comment it quite frequently or you used to frequent it. - Yeah, I used to live a couple of blocks in there years and years ago. And yeah, that place definitely needs a good sponge bath. So I'm glad she gave it to him. I would like Tabitha to take over my apartment because no matter what I try to do, this place still looks like a sty. What can I say? - I don't want Tabitha anywhere near me. I don't like people calling me on my shit and I've got plenty of shit. She'd just come in here and yell at me all day. Get out of here. - She would yell at me, for sure. Although I met her once and she was absolutely lovely, but then again, she also wasn't critiquing me. So that just goes to show you something. I don't know what it shows you. It just shows that I just bragged that I met her. That's what that shows you. - Well, yeah, you're like, I get out of my house, ha ha. Well, how about Bethany coming back? What do you think about that? - Oh, it doesn't do anything for me. I like Bethany. I like her in the context of the Real Housewives. I think that her show is, it's better than you would think, but I do find it to be a little indulgent and self-indulgent and it's like a little bit of Bethany goes a long way for me. I mean, how many times can I sit here there and watch her have a neurotic breakdown over something minor and have that guy, Jason, just sort of sit there and be like, what's wrong, babe? How are you doing, babe? - I can't believe you throw me a birthday party, yeah. - Yeah, and everything always seems to come back to some awful memory with her father. Like he gives her like some broccoli. It's like, oh my God, it's just like my dad used to get me. That's, by the way, my Bethany impersonation. (laughing) - That's very good. Not very good. Much better. - When you're twice the age that your dad was when he had you, it's time to get the fuck over it, okay? - Yeah. - But I love that this season seems to be about that her marriage is miserable. - It is. - I don't know what it looks like. It's called Bethany Ever After and the first preview is, Bethany, you saw Bethany get married and you saw Bethany have a baby and now you see her stuck in a loveless marriage and then Jason's like, oh, I can't do it. She's like, I need an apology. He's like, screw it, I won't do it. Like, stocking off and then she's like, oh, we don't even have sex. His dick has cobwebs on it. - Yeah. - No, that wasn't long. - Yeah, yeah, well, I'm excited. The only thing I'm excited for is this ridiculous boating excursion that she goes on. Remember how she got lost at sea? Bethany gets lost at sea. - Yeah. - And so it was like the whole thing, like they were missing, you know, in the sea for all of like three hours, okay? And then like she, they finally like got back on course and they like released like 10 million press releases being like, I was lost at sea. Meanwhile, then the next day the skipper says, no, we weren't lost at sea. They just told us to act like they were lost at sea and Bravo made me do this or that. So we're not, it's not even sure that she was lost at sea and who cares if she was lost at sea and could just be a more ridiculous twist that like the season's gonna come down with the fact that she is on the open water lost. I mean, is this what Bravo has come to? - Well, I think the important part is that if she really was lost at sea, it means Jill Zaren has magical powers. (laughing) She's officially a witch. - Jill Zaren was probably like offended that she wasn't invited to be on the boat that was lost at sea or with the crews, whatever, whatever they call that. - I wanna say, time series control. - So we have to apologize. (laughing) - She, I wonder what, you know, there's talk that Jill Zaren is shopping around to her own show, but I don't think she'll meet with much success on that front. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, God, no, please, no. You know what, I'm gonna start praying again. - Just, just for that. Be at world peace, world peace. - Please don't let Jill Zaren get her own show and I'd love to lose 30 pounds. - I mean, well, I mean, it would literally be a show about Jill Zaren making a line of Spanx. I mean, that's really what it would be. And I don't know, that's just not very appetizing to me. - And they're like, get her Spanx. They're not even as good as real Spanx. (laughing) - They probably complain when you get into the apartment, they probably go, ow, you gotta get in so hard. (laughing) - You gotta squeeze me like that. So I'm a woman, not toothpaste. - So wrong, you go up a size. (laughing) You do what you want, it's a free world, but I think it looks better if you went up a size. You let it out a little bit. When you try and do a dress, go on. - She should make the anti-Spanks, just sit and put on your body that's useless. And it is so you complain all day. - And it talks to you about bagels. Go ahead, have another bagel, have another bagel. You know what, you only live once, have a bagel. Babbie, get a bagel. I need some fabric, I need some fabric for my Spanx. (laughing) - Are you excited about the Real Housewives of Bev Hills reunions coming up? - Yeah, but I'm bummed that Kim isn't gonna be there. I mean, she is like the breakout star this season with her slurry words and strange non-sequiturs. - Oh, she is so pissed. I just read a quote of her today saying she would do, I think this was also on that housewives site. She would do an interview with Andy as long as Kyle wasn't there. It's like, she's a-- - What? - Did Kyle put crystal meth into your system? What the hell is your problem? - Yeah, well, her problem is that she's on crystal meth. (laughing) She's-- - I guess. - I was really looking forward to seeing Kim get called out for someone for bullshit. I mean, I know you're not really supposed to call out someone who's in recovery, probably, but it still would've been fun. - Whatever, she ain't in recovery. She went, she left, she went again, she tried to break out. (laughing) What, what on now? - What could she possibly be mad at Kyle for? I mean, is she really so hung up on the fact that Kyle speaks on her cellphone when she drives bad headpiece? I mean, is that really what it is? - No, I think she feels like she looks like an idiot on TV 'cause Kyle's calling her out. And not just letting her do whatever she wants. It's like a typical drug addict thing, you know? They're not the asshole for being drunk and barfing all over the Christmas table. You're the asshole for saying in front of guests that they barfed on the Christmas table. - Yeah, well at least she broke up with Ken, you know, so that's a move in the right direction. - I guess, but he seemed like everyone says he's such an asshole, but in that episode that we saw with him dealing with her the whole time, he looked like a saint to me. - Yeah, I mean, if I were him, I don't know how, I mean, I could see dealing with her how I would be pushed to the point where I'd say something very nasty. - But he wasn't being nasty, he was just saying, "Babe, we're late, we're half an hour late. Babe, we're still late, just put on your shoes, babe. Don't put that in your nose. No, babe, no, you don't inject that, that's a lamp. You plug that into the wall. Come on, babe, you're gonna hurt yourself. Don't walk into the street, babe. - Like, to me, it was like training a puppy, you know? You can't get mad at the puppy owner that the puppy's shitting all over the place. - I'm also not convinced that they're broken up. I mean, just 'cause Kim says they're broken up doesn't mean that that's the reality. I mean, she probably thinks she's dating a lampshade right now and she still lives there, you know? He's like, "I'm right here, good." - I sure know how to turn him on. - She's like, "I like the way he looks. I like the look of his body, the way it's like, short at the top and wide at the bottom and there's a light on the inside." - When I stare into him, I can see spots for days. - Days. And like, if I'm in a dark room, he lights up the whole room, like, quite literally. You know, when people say that they like to have a boyfriend who lights up a room, mine actually does. And he's really, really skinny underneath his hat. He's like a pole. - He'll be all dark and moody, and then I clap. And then he's totally turned on. He's like, he's like lip gloss. But sometimes he totally checks out. Like, I go and I like touch him, and there's like a flash, and then he's just always dark. And so he's finally like, "Go to the store and buy me a new brain." So I go, I buy a new brain, and I screw it in, and then he comes to life again. (laughing) - His brains were outlawed. He has to have a healthy brain now to comply with government standards. (laughing) - Now his brain lasts like five years longer. So that's really great. I really like it. It gives off radiation, but it's good for global warming. - He gets really scared in blackouts, though, when the power goes out, he will not talk. (laughing) - Oh, Kim, please don't leave the housewives. Please, Kim. - No, we did Kim and Marisol. I mean, what's her face? - Brandi. - Whatever the name of that old lady from Miami, we need her to get-- - Elsa. - Elsa. - Elsa. - I have a witch. (laughing) - Oh, you know, he's wrong with you. Kim, why are you dating a lampshade? You need to find a YA UK man, Kim. (laughing) - I'm sorry, I don't know, I don't know. - Kim. (laughing) - Kim, Scotty, beeping, he's cheating on you, Kim. (laughing) - Kim, why are you at your sister's show? She's wrong with you. - Oh, we owe Bravo a thanks, by the way, for picking up Real Housewives of Miami. You know that, right? - Yes, I do. - Season two on the way. - I'm actually excited for it. I'm hoping that they get it right, and I think that they will. - Hey, I'm Ryan Reynolds. At Mint Mobile, we like to do the opposite of what Big Wireless does. They charge you a lot, we charge you a little. So naturally, when they announce they'd be raising their prices due to inflation, we decided to deflate our prices due to not hating you. That's right, we're cutting the price of Mint Unlimited from $30 a month to just $15 a month. Give it a try at mintmobile.com/switch. - $45 up from payment equivalent to $15 per month. New customers on first three month plan only. Taxes and fees extra. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes of detail. - This episode is brought to you by Columbia Sportswear. From snowy trails to city streets, Columbia has you covered. Their Omni Heat Infinity jackets are the gold standard in warmth. Pushing the boundaries of innovation. Feel the difference as thermal reflective technology wraps you in warmth. Whether you're hiking mountains or conquering your daily grind. Visit Columbia.com to learn more. - They will, I am gonna miss Christa. - Oh shit. - I thought about Liv, she got mad at me for not paying anything, I parked party on that. Could you imagine how what's her buns crazy chicken lady would've dealt with Nini's going to that charity party and not spending any money? - How do you girl, how do you get that charity party? Now it's been a dime. - Hey, Nini, I sent you a bill, an invoice. - Invoice it. - I invoice the jury. - So good. - How fun is that? - All the voices, you know Miami, Miami was a terrible season, but man, some great voices came out of that. - I know, it can't ever be on at the same time as Beverly Hills because my Kim voice and my crazy chicken lady voice are the same. - Oh really, do you mind? - Yeah. - See my Leah voice says, how crazy is that? My Kim voice is more like, oh, how did you do that? It's a little more husky, you know? - My, Andy Rooney, my Kim Richards, my chicken lady from Miami and my Ron Paul voice are all the same. - Hey, how come you be a runner? How fun is that? - I also work with my Bethany as evidence earlier, this podcast, 'cause I just start out like this, which I think is your Adrian Maloof voice. So I gotta come up with a better Bethany voice and I think I'm pretty good with my Ramona. This is my Ramona voice, my Ramona singer voice. It sounds like this. - Yeah, I think that's, I like my Ramona, I gotta work on my, I also gotta work on all my Atlanta voices. They all sort of just do a stereotypical black woman thing like, hey girl, they all just wanna sound like that, which isn't really the truth, you know? - Well, kind of, I mean they have kind of the same accent, but I think you differentiate them because Cheray is really high and haughty. - Yeah, Cheray is really hard this when she gets the song. She has to say, maybe not. Oh, it's a work in progress, you know? We got a whole, we got a whole, many more of these podcasts to do, so. - Yeah, maybe after a decade ends, we'll be able to do all the voices really perfectly. - Exactly, and then we'll work on our Andy Cohen voice and our Chef Robley and Company voice and our Padma voice. - Well, I think I have a Padma voice where she sort of, well, no, I don't think I have it. I was about to do it, but I don't think it was real. And we'll work, I'll save it for next. I don't wanna embarrass myself anymore. - It wasn't real. - It wasn't a good one. It's always sort of like a, sort of like a, Chef's, please pack your knives. - No, no, see, it doesn't work. It just sort of sounds like me being exasperated. - She's just like bad actress voice. Chef's, please pack your knives and go. Like you've said this 5,000 times, can you at least pretend to know what you're gonna say? It's like she's even reading that off a cue card. - Well, I always had this joke. I haven't done a Top Chef photo cap in maybe like a year, but I always had this perpetual joke that Padma was always passive aggressively putting down Gail. And same thing, it's like, well, I'm positively full, but you know, Gail should eat anything, so just give it to her. (laughing) And Gail's like, wait, what? - How could you be missing this season of all seasons? This is one of the best they've had in a while, I think. - I'll tell you why, because when I do my photo caps, I pull from the media that Bravo puts up the screen grabs. And Bravo doesn't put up really screen grabs for Top Chef. They actually have a photographer who's on Santa takes pictures. So it's like half a million pictures of the chefs cooking things, and like one picture of the judges. And I do almost all the jokes over the judges, you know, 'cause it always comes down to Padma doing his round about passive aggressive gestures towards Gail. So if I can't do Padma jokes, I mean, what's the point? And people are always saying-- - My father. - People are always like, why do you make a fan of Gail so much, she's not fat. I'm like, no, I don't think Gail is actually fat, and I'm not making fun of Gail. I'm making fun of a fictionalized version of Padma that thinks that Gail is fat, because Padma's a supermodel, so anyone who's not a supermodel, Padma thinks it's fat. - Well, and one of the most fun things about Gail, and what I always made fun of in my Top Chef recap was her horrible sense of style. I mean, the poor thing just cannot get dressed in the morning. I don't know, who does it for her? And she came to her restaurant that I worked at for, she came for Food and Wine. And she had to come a couple of times, 'cause the first time she came, you know, with just a friend or whoever, and the second time she came to actually photograph it and have the stuff there and the last stuff. And in real life, she's very tiny. - Yeah, well, she's very thin looking. You know, she doesn't look like frumpy or chunky or anything. - That's right, we saw her in person when we were at the Taping of Top Chef just desserts, in fact. - Yes, that was so disappointing, 'cause that shit was terrible. (laughing) - You're such a positive person, 'cause you found stuff to enjoy, but I was like, no. - Yeah, for the readers or the listeners, we went to the Taping of the Beastie Boys episode where they had to make weird desserts out of like potatoes and chicken and, I don't know. - Yeah. - For waffle? - Yeah. - Well, it was gross. - Yeah, it was nasty. - And we didn't even call who got kicked off that episode, 'cause we thought the girl who just made french fries for dessert would get kicked off, remember? - Well, I thought it was either gonna be her or the falafel panicata, and falafel panicata went home, I believe, right? But french fries-- - That weird looking girl. - Yeah, french fries should have gone home, for sure. Those were-- - For sure. She made french fries with like dessert ketchup. That was the dumbest thing ever. - You know, the best thing that I did last year was that I went to Top Chef Masters and they had like a close-up of me eating a quesadilla, and now every single time that episode re-ears, which apparently is all the time, I get an influx of people who are like, "Hey, I saw you on TV, and then I feel cool." (laughing) - Here goes on Top Chef! That's on your resume now. - I was eating a quesadilla on Top Chef. - How far is that? - How far is that? (laughing) - He realized the quesadillas. But whenever I put a quesadilla in his face, everyone's like, "Stop putting quesadilla on the lamp," and I'm like, "That's my boyfriend." (laughing) - You're Kim is the same as your crazy chicken lady. - No, no, 'cause crazy chicken, no, 'cause Kim, I make her more breathy, and crazy chicken lady, "I just got like a laugh." It's more like, "Ah, but Kim is more like a laugh." (laughing) Like that. (laughing) All right, well, we're 55 minutes in, so I think we should just end this bullshit. - Perf! - We've talked about nothing for an hour, except Bravo. So everyone, thanks for listening and subscribe. This is gonna be on iTunes, and it's also gonna be found on the SideShow Network, SideShowNetwork.tv, alongside other podcasts by Frangela and George Lopez, and me. I have my B-side blog podcast up there, Bantar with Ben and Lisa, and then I'm sure you will be putting this on TV-gasm next to your great recaps of "The Real Housewives," both written and with the video. - Yeah, I do the video recaps every week. I'm gonna get to work on that now, and then my regular "Housewives" recaps, and yeah, I'll post those there on TV-gasm as well. - Awesome, well, thanks very much, Ronnie, and hopefully I will be speaking with you next week, and hopefully Matt Whitfield will be able to join us, so we'll have three of us, and if not Matt, we'll get a lady, and if we do have Matt, we'll get a lady to join in. - Yeah, we'll just have fun with that! - Why not follow that? (laughing) - All right, bye, everyone. - Good times, bye. (upbeat music) - If you like Watch what Crap is, you can listen ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey at wondery.com/survey. - Are you in trouble with the law? Need a lawyer who'll fight like hell to keep you out of jail? - We defend and we fight, just like you'd want your own children to defend it. - Whether you're facing a drug charge, caught up on a murder app, accused of committing war crimes, look no further than Paul Bergrin. - All the big guys go to Bergrin 'cause he gets everybody off. - You name it, Paul can do it. Need to launder some money, broker a deal with a drug cartel? Take out a witness? From Wondery, the makers of Dr. Death and over my dead body, comes a new series about a lawyer who broke all the rules. - Doesn't it funny how witnesses disappear or how evidence doesn't show up or somebody doesn't testify correctly? - In order to win, at all costs. - If Paul asked you to do something, it wasn't a request, it was an order. - I'm your host Brandon James Jenkins. Follow criminal attorney on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcast. 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