Spirit Talk with Szil & Jay
Living with an addiction.
(upbeat music) - Welcome to Spirit Talk. - It's so in Jay. - Welcome. - I'm Jay. - I'm Sil. - And welcome back to Spirit Talk. - All right, today we are gonna talk about addiction, living with an addiction, or living with somebody that has addiction. Wanna start us out? - Sure, this is a good topic. I love talking about this. I've been through it. I am an addict and alcoholic and will always be one. This started off for me at the age of five years old when my father left and my mother was in distraught and she hand me my first wine cooler. And I remember tasting it and absolutely loving it. And before that, I used to didn't like the taste of beer, or even the smell of like, to me, all of us smelled like beer and it was always kind of a turn off. But when I had the wine cooler, that's where it started. - It's the taste. It's like sugary for a kid. It's different. - And just knowing that it was, you know, alcohol. - Yeah, exactly. - An adult beverage. - Yeah, something you shouldn't have. - Right. So that being said, my addiction turned, started about the age of 14. And a lot of it was due to trauma and my demons, which I call my thoughts, and being brought up with, you know, psychological, mental, physical, emotional abuse from one parent. My father was very harsh and very strict with his, - Punishments? - Punishments, yeah, punishments. And so at the age of 14, I met some kids and they were, I guess, into that kind of thing. And they brought me into it and I really liked, it started off with not only drinking, but smoking pot. Actually, sorry, take that back. Cigarettes, it was drinking, smoking cigarettes. And then it was, you know, smoking pot. And I love what it did for me. It got me out of my own head. And it numbed me because I was getting tired of hearing things like from what I was told throughout my childhood, you know, that you'll never amount to anything. Everything you touch turns to shit. So I had a lot of negative self talk and I wanted to quiet that down. And I just felt like this voice was getting louder and louder and I was willing to do anything it took to shut it down or off. And so we got into drinking really heavily and it got to the point where my mom had alcohol or alcohol and stored in her cabinets and I would take drinks of that and replace it with like water. So it got to the point where there was this older woman and she took high school kids in and gave them alcohol and weed and stuff. And one time I wasn't invited and everybody thought that it was out of jealousy and it wasn't and what had happened was I received a phone call from my friend's mother asking where he was and I knew where he was but I was with another one of my friends kind of in her crew and I was like, what do I do here? And I kept thinking, you know, he could be in trouble. That's where my thinking went and I wanted to help him. I didn't mean to get anybody in trouble or anything like that. I just wanted my friend to be okay. And so I agreed and I showed the parents where the house was and you know, everybody got mad at me because I became a so-called, I guess, narc and the woman got turned in, I guess apparently was arrested and that wasn't my intent. My intent was to truly help a friend but I saw where this trend was going and the more I drank, the more I hung out with these kids, the more I was getting into trouble and the more I was getting into like drinking and smoking heavily with weed and stuff. So you had a conscience but the other stuff kind of took over. Because it was all about chasing the high and the addiction and that's where it becomes a problem. It's kind of borderline 'cause I'll get into it here in a second when I went to rehab at the age of 16. But it goes with it's borderline because I was taught in rehab that anything more than one is an addiction or if you have to drink to get drunk or do drugs to get obliviated and extremely high, that's an addiction. So these people, it's kind of borderline. I don't really consider people, alcoholics, they go out like a couple times a year and they have a few. It's, I look at more of somebody like they have to constantly do it or to do it to... - Numb some. - Numb the pain or chase the high. And in the meantime, we call it drugy behavior. You're treating people like garbage and you're miserable, irritated and because you're, all you think about is how can I get my next high? How can I get my next drink or whatever? And that's where it's about and you start treating people and pushing people away from you that are close to you. - Oh yeah, absolutely. I could attest to that 'cause I was married to one. So yeah, I'm married ended. But you learn from it and you're not a lot from it actually, but at the time you don't realize just how much you're learning from it. So going back a little bit, when I was about 14, 15 years old, we were drinking heavily. We actually built a fort, it was pretty cool. And that's where a lot of our partying went and took place. And that's where I learned how to play poker and so many other things. And it was just getting to the point where I had the fuckers, I didn't care. And I didn't care about being blamed for anything, I just didn't care about life in general. I just wanted to sign out and none the pain and the feelings 'cause I didn't wanna deal with them. And it was to the point where I was drinking so much that I became a blackout drinker and waking up the next morning, having my friends tell me what I did the night before or vomit in my shoes or in the middle of winter time, walking from one place to another, which was probably five miles apart in the middle of winter because I didn't like how I was feeling. And it got to the point where I was starting to really hang out with rough kids that were getting into trouble, we were getting into trouble. And I remember this one girl had broken up with me and I was really kind of heartbroken. And I remember saying to my sister, "Don't wake me up unless this particular person calls." And she woke me up besides that person calling and I remember because I had come home and I had over 12 pack of me and whatnot, I was still kind of buzzed and high and whatnot and I flipped out on her. And I remember chasing her around with a knife and I got arrested for menacing. And I went to jail and I was scared and I was praying for anything to get me out of there. And then all of a sudden I served, I believe 28 days in jail and I couldn't go right back home. My probation officer at the time was able to get me into a rehab, which was like six to nine months. And at that time, you know, being an addict, you don't want to go anywhere. You want to get back on the streets to get your high. And so I couldn't go back home after that. And I went right into a safe house, which was probably about another month. And then I went right into a rehab for six and a half months out of nine. So I was basically gone for like nine months out of that whole year. I wasn't home all because of drinking and drugging. And I consider this place that I went to like my second chance of life. It taught me so much. It helped me to learn about my addictions and to control them better, to manage that better. And I did extremely well when I graduated the rehab that I was in. And I got out and I was clean and sober for probably about 15 or so months. And I remember my sister and I got into some kind of altercation, which triggered me to go back to drinking and drugging. And I relapsed. And it was right before I relapsed, I just had opened like a big book meeting. I was a sponsor and I was doing really well. And that triggered me to go back into relapsing. And that's what I suggest for anybody who's trying to stop or break the habit is the first thing you need to do is get rid of people, places and things. Things that trigger you, who paraphernalia, everything that reminds you of the times that you were using or drinking. And definitely not get involved in any kind of relationship like romantically within the first year of sobriety because that is a trigger and a defocus. And then we call it 13-stepping. So I really highly suggest not to get involved in relationships, really do your 12 steps and focus on you for a while and not have that other distractions in your life. - And do not do it for other people, do it for yourself. - Exactly. So going back to the relapse, I got back involved with my friends who at the time were dealers and being dealer, a dealer, that means you got free stuff. And that was a way to cover your high or your drunk or whatever, your drink. So I did that for a while and I started seeing and noticing all my friends either getting stabbed, robbed, going to jail and this stuff was really scaring me. And for me, I got to the point where I kept hearing this voice in my head saying, you need to settle down, you need to have a child. So I had met somebody at a very young age. I was very young myself and we wound up having a child and it was my daughter and my daughter changed my life and was my saving grace. 'Cause I knew if I kept hanging out with these people, I was either going to wind up in prison or dead. Those are my two choices and I didn't want to live that way. And I kept thinking after that that I wanted to be the change. I wanted to do something different because I saw kind of a pattern going on within my own family and I didn't want to be that. I wanted to do something different and become something better of myself. And so I led a different way and I went completely rogue and off the grid and got rid of all the people places and things and basically just dropped off the face of the earth and focused on my family. - Yeah, it takes a long time to recover for something but when you have something to hold on to with your daughter. - And the key is too with any kind of addiction, the longer you're away from it, the easier it gets, it does get easier. It's also surrounding yourself with positive, uplifting, unconditional love, kind of people who encourage you, who want better for you and who look out for you. And that's really extreme too. So one of the things that we also learn and rehab too is forming your own support network. So for me to this day, I have basically one person besides my significant other that I've talked to for over 30 years. It has been with me through thick and thin from the very beginning of basically my addictions and see me what I went through and no matter what and where I go, that person comes with me too. And I am so grateful for that. And just we'll get into it probably on later podcast and stuff and why I kind of am the way I am today. I have a very hard time with trusting men because of my past and for me to be able to have a male best friend is I feel honorable because I don't trust many people. And I've been hurt and let down and like I said, we'll get into that later on. - You got a whole book that people can read about you. - Yeah, and that book folks just covers the services. It doesn't get into really depths of things. And I wanted to have a book out there that was easy to read. Listen, I barely made it through high school and graduated with my class. I didn't go on to get educated more with degrees from colleges and whatnot. So I basically learned for me life-on-life experiences. And that's how I'm able to today, I consider myself a dry drunk. I like to have a couple drinks, maybe a couple times a year. I can sit there and have a 12 pack in my fridge or six pack. I don't even get a 12, six pack. And that'll sit there for six months before I even have one. So that's how I've gotten to my point and I know how to adjust it. And that have it so it takes the control out of me. - And of course, I could care less whether we drink or not. So that's also good to have someone that is not going to push you into things. Like I don't buy that stuff, I don't buy anything. And you know, like yesterday we went out to dinner and we had a drink and that's it. - Yeah, that you brought up a good point is finding somebody who's pretty much the same as you, 'cause if you get somebody that's, you know, constantly drinking and high and yeah, you've been away from it for 10, 15, 20 years, it's still kind of a trigger and it still could go back that way, but you choose not to. It's just harder to be with somebody who constantly enables or wants to engage. - It's like you're working over time, trying to not go that route. - Exactly. - Well, also having pets is great because they're also very calming to the soul. And we just, I just want to bring it up because now we have two kittens that are going to be coming. Not just one. We decided that Stella needed a playmate and his brother was still available, so we're taking both. - And we get them, what June 13th? - 13th, yeah. - Yeah, so that'll be exciting. Pets are very therapeutic. I'd rather be around pesting people. And folks, I'm a lot of love and light and a little go-fock yourself too, 'cause of how I've been brought up, you know, so, and speaking on that, I don't know. - Well, the thing is too, is having people around you that, like you were saying, that's going to encourage you to do good things, not encourage you to do bad things. Also pets, they're also going to calm you down, which is crucial because your thinking starts going and going and going. And if you don't have someone or something like a pet that could actually get you to calm it down and focus on something else, you could go down a rabbit hole. So being by yourself is also very hard when you're going through a process. - And I remember that you brought up another good point, like being brought up and hearing from my mom, you know, every throughout my life is, Jay would be lucky to have five friends on your hand. And that is so true. And I've learned too that just because their family doesn't mean their family. I found my family tribe that are not full-blooded or not part of me whatsoever. And those three people that are significant in my life, I can trust wholeheartedly and I love wholeheartedly. So it's very crucial to find the right people for you. - Yeah, having friends and having acquaintances are different altogether. - Well, it's hard too, having these abilities and feeling like you're different. And you don't fit in. And being told that if you start talking about it, you'll have a straight jacket put on you or you'll go to a mental hospital. So you're already growing up thinking that you're crazy and nuts anyway without any kind of confirmation or people that can relate unless you find them, you know, but it's just you feel alone. And that's where a lot of times I felt, and I kind of still do to this day. I feel alone, like I'm by myself. And I just, I remember too, what threw me for a loop was when my mom and my biological father had an affair while my mom was married to my adopted dad. And that threw me for a loop because I didn't want my dad coming back into the picture because I felt like he was going to do the same thing again and basically he did. And I grew up just wanting to, wanting, like my own personal sanctuary, my quiet place. I didn't want to be surrounded with noise. I was a lot to myself. I didn't, I wasn't very social. I still not to this day. I really don't like it. Even though I've done galleries and stuff, it still boosts my anxiety and I have panic attacks. - Well, that reminds me, I'm kind of the same way. So all these years growing up, thinking you have to be a certain way to have friends or be a certain way to get accepted, or there's something wrong with you because you're not this way or that way. It's important that you stay true to who you are because you will not get the friends that you deserve and that you need because if you're not yourself, you're not gonna like anybody that's gonna be with you because you're not yourself, so that's not who you are. So you're not gonna be the happiest. You're not gonna, it's not you. - Yeah, 'cause you wanna find people that you can be able to be yourself around and feel loose and comfortable and not feel like you're tense and have a guard up. - Yeah, so I was also, you know, very to myself most of the time, especially nowadays, I've grown up enough where I kind of know what I like and what I don't like. I'm still learning, you know, I've kind of opened up a lot, but now I know what I really, really want. Yeah, I'm up there, you know, half way through my age. It depends on how long you live, (laughs) but, you know, it's never too late. - So one of the things that helped me to lead me out of addiction is right before my daughter was born, I had gotten arrested again and this time was going out with a friend, supposedly, and we decided to do shots of wine. For some odd reason, don't ask me why. Just shots of wine and I was obliterated. Me and wine don't get along anyway, to begin with and I can't stand a taste, but we were totally oblivious and he came up with a brilliant idea what's of, you know, let's go rob a house. I'm like, okay, you know, so we went along and we thought, okay, well, if we're gonna be on foot, then we might as well try to find something that we can go a little faster with. So we came across this garage where it was open and there was bikes in there and we decided to try to ride the bikes. People, I tried to get on a bike and maybe the wheels turned twice before I fell flat on my face. So that's how that went. And so then we got off the bikes and got back on our feet and we went around the corner and he decided, okay, let's go up to this house, check it out, it's completely black, of course it is. It's like midnight, one o'clock in the morning, you know? So he decided to ring the doorbell and of course, nobody's gonna answer that late at night and so nobody came and we went around the side door and I remember him busting through the side door and tried on or the screen door to get to the side door to unlock it and couldn't do that. And we went around to the back to the porch to try to get in the back door and that's when the headlights came in and we both split. And I don't know how. My vibration must have been really high that night because I was in the bush right there in the backyard by the back porch and the police came and we're looking over and didn't see me. But apparently they caught my friend and the next morning I get a phone call from his mom saying, you know, the police are on the way. So I remember going back to jail. I am truly blessed that I was appointed by a very good attorney to help me to get out of that because I believe I was facing like three to nine years or something in prison. And I remember the-- - Some decisions, yeah. - I remember the judge looking at me and says, "I don't wanna ever see your face here again 'cause otherwise you're gonna go away for a very long time." And I again put on probation and I really knew I needed to get my life right and that's when my daughter came along and that's when I decided, okay, this is the end of my ropes with this stuff. I wanna do better for my life. I want something for myself. I need a distance myself from these people, places and things that are big huge triggers for me and completely like again, go off the grid and go rogue because I didn't wanna be sucked back into that because of my mind frame as it was already, I was easily influenced by negativity and it was easily sucked into all that chaos and drama. Now today I'm to the point where I crave peace over anything. I don't want the chaos. I don't want the drama. I don't want the problems. I just wanna be away from things quiet still and live the rest of my life in peace and helping others. - Now, I know that your daughter was born but she lives up to the age of 15. - 16. - 16. - She passed away in 2015, a year before, or a year after, I'm sorry, year after I graduated from my holistic school, from my psychic abilities. The day before she passed, I had a feeling that one of my kids, something was going on and I had three children. One of them was, something was going on with one of my kids and I couldn't put my finger on it. All I know is it didn't feel good. I didn't have a good feeling and I was in a 10 car pileup before the day my daughter passed. And I remember even surviving that 10 car pileup and keeping a truck straight, not jackknifeing and all this stuff and getting complimented for that and stuff. But I kept feeling, I even though I was able to leave that scene of the accident, I still kept feeling like something's going on with one of my kids and I just can't put my finger on it. Well, I had gotten back to the terminal and laid down and about an hour later, my sister calls me with the phone call of my daughter passing and it was, she was with a couple other friends walking Amtrak and had her earbuds and the train hit her. And couldn't hear her friends calling her. So that really has changed my life and even though I had about a year of training under my belt with these abilities, ever since my daughter passed, it has put a fog over me and I've been struggling ever since to get past that, to get back to where I was. Well, something like that would trigger some people to go back with their addiction. And I didn't, and I chose not to, the new years after my daughter passed, that's one yes, I did get really severely drunk and I just wanted to die. And it took a friend at that time to help me, to talk me out of stuff and to ease my mind. And I remember, I had another colleague tell me, "Don't go back to the scene because you're a medium, because you'll pick up stuff." And I, you know, here I am, I'm, you know, okay. I wanted to go anyway, that was my daughter. And yes and no, I should've listened. I should've listened because I went to the site and about a month after that, I kept seeing the accident in my mind. And it was very vivid and it was very painful. And after that new years, you know, I had my drink and I'm good. And, you know, it's all about using that as an excuse. And I know for me, my daughter would not want me to continue down that road. She wants me to do something with myself to get myself out there, like she was trying to do with her singing. And so she wants me, I feel to be some kind of a voice for people or the world or whoever's listening to help them in some way or another to guide them in a better direction. And, you know, hopefully learn, you know, from my mistakes and or see things and try not to do them yourselves. And I feel like that's really what it's coming down to. And I'm feeling like my purpose here in life is and that is really learning about who you are and breaking patterns and cycles of your past ancestors and your family members. It's just and doing things on your own without the voices in your head from, and I'm talking about like outside influences, outside noise, figuring things out on yourself because if you ask a question to one friend and then you ask a question to another friend, you're getting all this different insight from all these different people when you're trying to figure out something on your own. And I kept trying to play that in my mind like, okay, what would happen if one of my kids came to me and say, you know, dad, I was having, I'm having an issue with my significant other. I don't want to be the bearer of bad news and I don't want either or my child or their significant other to have resentment towards me. So I would basically say to them, you need to take that up with your significant other. - It is better to work it out yourselves than try to get help elsewhere that there are not professionals. You know, if you wanna have a counseling, that's different. But when you're just asking your friends, that might not be the best answer. - And I kind of laugh, but I'm kind of annoyed at the same time with all these folks that air their dirty laundry on social media. And to me, those are attention seekers. They need to thrive on that kind of attention. Validation, yeah. And I just, you know, for me it's, I've found it always good for me to either meditate on something or get out of nature and really think about things without having other people's noise in your ear, you know? - It's better to have a best friend that you can talk to than go on social media and, you know, let it all out. People know too much about you. They're gonna start forming their opinions and that could go down a rabbit hole. - It can be too. But sometimes, you know, like, especially being a public figure or out there or something, you know, all these Debbie Downers and haters and skepticism, I'm skeptical too. So, but for me, those kinds of people give me motivation. And it means that I'm doing something right because something that I had said triggered them. And it's something for them to take a look at or something that's, you know, like a trigger for themselves. And I said something or did something that makes them look at themselves. So basically, I'm a reflection for them. And it all comes down to choice, you know, whether or not you wanna do something differently or keep doing what you're doing and keep getting the same results. So... - Sometimes you can go with years and years and years and you're not ready to give it up. - So that's when I get to stinking thinking. That's what I call stinking thinking. And that takes basically getting sick and tired or being sick and tired before you eventually do something about it. And sometimes people have to hit some deep bottoms, some darkness to be able to get to the light again. - Sometimes you do have to hit bottom, whether it's losing somebody or something or, you know, work, anything, your life, friends. - Yeah. And I've probably been at my bottom at least four or more times throughout my life so far, you know, and I'm kind of getting tired of that, too. So... - But yeah, if you're not with the right person that can encourage you to get better and not tell you what to do, but encourage you to get out of a funk, you know, or whatever needs to happen, just to support you. - And that's so weird speaking on that point because I have seasonal depression. My depression usually starts like in September and ends like the end of April, beginning of May of every year, every year. And it's due to the trauma that I went through throughout my childhood, I still have triggers with that. But this year was particularly hard and rough and I'm still trying to get through it and back up to the top. And it's heartwarming to know that there's other clients that I talked to, or not clients, I'm sorry, colleagues, that have gone through the same thing. And it's feeling like the awakened souls are feeling more intense with their emotions and things of that nature than normal. And I haven't been this way in like 14 years. - Well, speaking of awakening, I've had my journey within the last year and the feelings, it's incredible. You're gonna go up and down, up and down, but it's more severe for me 'cause I do have my highs that are very high and my lows are very low, you know, dealing with depression, you know, it doesn't help. There are a lot of triggers for me and Christmas is very dear to me versus for you. It's a reminder of something, you know, different. So it's a trigger for you. So I'm hoping that I can bring you out of that with some loving and some kitties. - Oh, I'm sure you'll bring me out of that. You've gotten me quite far. And that's what I say to so all the time, like if we can only see each other from where we were to where we are now, you can really see the growth. But just her and I being together within the last year, we've really seen tremendous changes and one another and it feels wonderful. And I used to say all the time, you know, opposites tracked, they do it away, but you more or less wanna find somebody who's a lot like you and have a lot of similarities and that'll be a subject for another day too. It was like soul mates, you know, and the different types and kinds. - Oh, which names, you name it. All kinds of different kinds. - All soul mates. - So it's a relief knowing that you have a partner that's an empath too. 'Cause empaths normally typically attract narcissists because we wanna help, we wanna heal, we wanna fix, we wanna save and they thrive on that. So we're givers, we just give, give, give. - And they take, take, take. - And we got nothing back. - And so we call them energy or vampire energies or psychic vampires. So it's good to actually find somebody who's empath, it's just like you, it's different. It throws you for a loop, especially when you're used to one kind like, and this is something that I posted on my page not too long ago 'cause I'm getting tired of like the stereotypes, the profiling, the classifying people, people are people. And we all go through our things, we're all here, I feel our purpose is to learn lessons so we don't do 'em again. And it's all about finding your tribe and being yourself, your true authentic self and being pushed to find that person and you within you, so. - Yeah, absolutely, well, I think that concludes our podcast for today. And we're not really sure yet again, we're gonna talk about next time, but stay tuned. - Have a great day, everyone. - Have a great weekend, all right. (upbeat music) - And that concludes today's segment on Spirit Talk. I'm Jay. - And I'm so. (upbeat music)