How to Keep Your Boundaries in a Boundary Abusive Time?
Managing Your Boundaries without Loosing Them.
Leaders, do you know how you’re similar to Dolphins? Both of your minds are driven by fear! Dolphins are often cultures of habit and prefer to stay within their comfort zone: sound familiar?
Last podcast we spoke about the walls holding you back from your potential, and today we will dive deeper into boundaries.
“We are living in a boundary-less time… culturally we have very different physical boundaries but we also culturally have very different emotional boundaries, we have very different psychological boundaries but its interesting we don’t have many healthy boundaries in this time in history…. naturally we do have boundaries, all of us, but because we are in a boundary abusive time, we loose sense of our boundaries.”
In this episode of the Mind Mastery Podcast, Dov Baron is joined by guests: Scott Paton and Shane Jeremy James as they discuss boundaries, the Ego and Dolphins!
James is the founder of Shane Jeremy Media, Branding Talent and Actions of Compassion. In addition to being a critically acclaimed author, he is a board member of the of Volken Foundation and has developed numerous programs and coached thousands of marketers world-wide on leadership and marketing.
Paton, an executive producer and co-host for over 35 podcasts, is an internationally renowned speaker and currently teaches courses in strategy, management, relationships and more for students in over 190 countries via Udemy. In addition, he is currently a podcaster with Life Enthusiast.
To find out more about Shane Jeremy James: https://www.facebook.com/shanejeremyjames
To hear more about his books: http://amzn.to/2BZZetS
To find out more about Scott Paton: https://www.facebook.com/scottapaton
"I trust that you found this episode valuable, if so, feel free to send this to your friends. I eagerly anticipate your feedback and comments.
Please share, like and comment below!
I created the Authentic Leadership Matrix after a lot of experience and research. One of the questions I'm asked often is what authentic leadership is and how do we define it. As a result, I created the matrix. It splits what leadership is into five separate categories. So, that you can take a clear look at how you perform in each of the five main areas that are required for you to become a world class authentic leader. The process takes you through each category simply with yes or no questions. http://matrix.fullmontyleadership.com/
With gratitude, Dõv Baron
“In 2015, Dov Baron was cited by Inc Magazine as one of the Top 100 Leadership Speaker to book for your next conference! He speaks internationally and is The Leading Authority on Next-Gen Authentic Leadership and creating a Culture of Fiercely Loyal Leaders. FullMontyLeadership.com
P.S. To get your hands on Dov Baron’s new book “Fiercely Loyal” How High Performing Companies Develop and Retain Top Talent, go take a look here http://fiercelyloyalbook.com and get your FREE: How to instantly bond any team infographic”
To contact: Dov Baron International, and Authentic Paragon Alliance INC. Contact Authentic Paragon Alliance at +1 778 397 7717 http://FullMontyLeadership.com”
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[music] Welcome to the Mind Mastery podcast. I unlock the secrets to your mind and get everything you ever want to. Let's join our host, Gov Baron Scott Patton and change the game. [music] Hello everybody, you're listening to the Mind Mastery podcast. I'm your host, Scott Patton. I'm the dog Baron. How you doing today, Doug? Excellent. Thank you, Scott. Great to be you. Happy to be here and happy to get into this again. Awesome. But we've been going through a lot of the topics that came out of first access. What we've decided to do for the next month or two is keep them a little bit shorter, get right into one topic so that we can cover them in a little bit more depth and give everybody one thing to think about and one thing to kind of work on for the coming week. Our plan is to put these out every week. This is a great idea, because as we talked about, even in the last couple, which we're a little more hard-hitting and a little more direct, which I actually said to people, "I want to give you homework." That's right. When you go away and think about this and play it and see how it works in your life and maybe write some notes in your journal. I think that's a good sort of send-off point for what it is we're going to do over the next little while, which is let's get into a specific question, subject, and then give our listeners, you guys who are listening, a place of which to dig in so that you can really see, "Okay, I might play this into my life," because we talked about, in a previous one, in one of the most recent ones, about the three most dangerous words that are, "I know that." And if not, I challenge you to say, "Well, do I really know it?" And if you do, you're really applying it. And so, doing these sections this way, we're going to give you a chance to do that, even if your mind kicks in with, "I know that," is to stop and say, "Well, do I." And let me listen to that, because only one subject, "Do I really? Am I really applying it? Am I applying it as much as I need to apply it to take my life to where I need to go?" So, I think it's a great get-go point. Yeah, and we want this to be more of a dialogue, too, or an interactive exercise. So, as you're coming up with your insights in aha, it's like, oftentimes, Dov, if you're advanced, you will ask people to share. What did they learn? What were their aha moments? And, of course, it's really hard for you to talk to your iPod or your car radio or your computer and say, "Aha, this is what I got." And for us to actually hear it, right? Well, you can do that. Yeah, we're not going to hear it. We're not going to hear it. And we really like to get that feedback. So, if you go to www.freemindmasterypodcast.com, that's www.freemindmasterypodcast.com, you can leave comments. And if you really want to take action, then leave a comment there about what you got out of the particular podcast episode that you listened to and what you're going to do, and you can even share some of your homework if you want. But one of the things about this, and you know, you've heard me say this a lot of events, is the moment you share it, you know, by getting on there and writing in your comments and sharing it with us, the moment you do that, you begin to integrate it into your own being. Otherwise, it's just information swimming around in your brain. But when you actually make a comment on it, one of the things that we all know is that as soon as you start talking about it, you take it to a deeper level. You say, "Oh, never thought about that." And that means this. So, give us your feedback. Let's write in your comments. We're very excited to hear them. We always like hearing them. And it allows you to get a deeper understanding of what it is you've learned. Right. Last time we talked about the walls, and this time we're going to talk a little bit more about boundaries, but it reminded me of a story that happened to me when I was down in Mexico a year or so ago, we went to swim with the dolphins. The dolphins are kept in this pen, it's an underwater pen so that they stay where they are. And this storm came by, and it basically destroyed parts of the pen. And the dolphins looked and they said, "Wow, there's an opening in the pen." And it was interesting the different personalities of the dolphins because one of them looked at it and said, "Oh, there's a hole. I can get out into the ocean." And it was through it in a flash, flipping up and jumping out all over the ocean. Just happy as it can be. It was free and live. And the other ones were sort of, there were a couple other ones were sort of looking at this hole and thinking, "I don't know if I should go through this or not." Or, "What do you think?" And then, of course, the one outside is tripping and like singing and dancing. "Come on, you guys, get out." So they all went out. But there were some that you could tell, they really didn't like being out in the big wide ocean. And they actually went back into the pen and preferred to actually stay in the pen. It was really interesting that they went back. They went back. So just like that, the big cat went back to the area where it's caged. They looked and talked about it in the last cast. These dolphins went back to that. And that is an example of how the ego mind is driven by fear. And so in the last time we talked about the walls, which is, if you think about it, it's the cage for the tiger and it's the pen for the dolphin. That's right. And even when the walls are gone, some people want to go back to where the safe zone is. And I kind of feel also, when I think of the wall, it's kind of like, I know what I'd really like to do is something. Whatever it is, it doesn't matter what it is. I really want to do it, but then I stop and I don't do it. And to me, it's like I'm just bumping up against my wall. Right, because that wall, you know, that wall in the simplest terms, and I've touched on this before, but that wall, if you really want to know what that wall is, it's really simple. It's your comfort zone. It's the edge of the comfort zone. It's the edge of the comfort zone. And how do I know? Because you're comfortable as long as you're inside it. And you'll be uncomfortable when you get outside of it. But this is what I was saying before, is that the wall doesn't just keep others out. It keeps you locked in. And the distinction is that you want to have boundaries. Like in a previous little while back, we did a podcast in which we talked about the distinction between outcome mentality and goal mentality or healthy goal mentality. And knowing the difference between the two, even though they can seem very similar on the surface. That's exactly the same with the boundary in a wall. They can seem similar on the surface. But when we dig in, we have to understand the difference. A wall, as we talked about, keeps you locked in as well as keeping other people out. The other side of that wall is the other side of your comfort zone. And therefore, if it's called the comfort zone, on the other side is, of course, the uncomfortable zone. Exactly. It's comfortable. So, what is a boundary? Because boundaries are extraordinarily important. And it's one of the things, as a psychologist, that I believe has been dramatically understated in our society. Most of us, I've been a therapist for more than 20 years. And most of the people I've met over my life professionally and otherwise, have very, very poor boundaries. Because we are actually a boundaryless, we're in a boundaryless time. Not even society, but in a boundaryless time, no matter where you live. It's boundaries are a respect of personal space. And I don't just mean physical space. Something to say, you're in my space. Right. Because it's interesting, because if you travel to different cultures, that's a very different thing. That's right. If you're in a Latin culture, for example, they're physical spaces. And I think they actually get really, really close. Absolutely. And I was actually at this event where a Latin American was trying to talk to an American. And he would get really close and the American, and they basically were like walking. Because he was just trying to get, I got a three foot boundary and this guy is like a foot away. And he just moved away and moved away. And of course, and they didn't even know they were doing it. They were just like moving like crazy. And that's just that personal space. But that's a boundary. So we have them in a physical world. I mean, the Japanese culture, very different physical boundary. Yes. Right. There are some cultures in Africa, a friend of mine is from Africa. It's only about this culture in Africa. And they will stand in a lineup behind you. He said, "Lineups are not that deal, but they understand that they're in whitey land." And they kind of got to do that. So they said, "And they will stand right at you back." Like you can feel them as they breathe in their chest will touch you. He goes, "You turn around and look at them and they'll just have a big smile." And I like you like, "No problem." And you're like, "I'm the guy in my bag." So it's very different culturally. We have very different physical boundaries. But we also culturally have very different emotional boundaries. We have very different psychological boundaries. But it's interesting that we don't have very healthy boundaries in most of our cultures in this particular time in history. And our physical boundaries, rather, not a physical boundary, but our personal boundaries, are boundaries around things that are respectful for us. And the danger is to get into right and wrong, because it's not about right and wrong, it's about what's right for you. But what makes you feel respectful? What makes you feel respected? Yeah. What makes you feel respected? So I have friends who swear. I know you find that hard to believe. Wow. But I have friends who swear, who have no problem with their friends or themselves swearing around their children. I have other friends who swear, who have a great deal of problem with themselves or anybody else swearing around their children. That's a personal boundary. I can make a judgment call on whether it's right or wrong. It doesn't matter. That's their personal boundary around it. Yeah. So that's just one example of it. We need to understand boundaries, because one of the places where boundaries become walls is because we haven't learned to respect our own boundaries. So it's like, naturally, we do have boundaries. All of us. Yeah. Naturally, we have boundaries. But because we're a boundary abusive time, a boundary abusive culture and time, what happens is we lose our lives. What happens is we lose sense of our own boundaries. So if you think of that boundary as being a paper mache fence. Right. And whoever wants to come through it just keeps coming through it. They just keep walking through it. And so eventually you get fed up enough that you go sod it and build in a brick wall. Mm-hmm. When in fact, all you needed was a boundary. Now, I'll explain that, because what I mean by that is this. The great example is this. If you have a beautiful cut lawn, it's absolutely perfect. It goes right to the curb and people are walking right by. But just diagonally across from your places, the corner store, people will walk across that lawn. Yes. If you simply place a sign on that lawn that says please keep off the grass, some people will still cross it. But a good many fewer people will cross it. That's right. Most people will respect that. Because you are enforcing the boundary. Well, you're even just telling them that there's a boundary. And that's the key. Most people don't know there is a boundary because they don't have boundaries. Yeah. As you were talking about the paper mache fence, I was thinking, yeah, I've got this paper mache fence. People trot all over it. But they don't even know it's there. And I haven't told them like, you know, there's a paper mache fence there, please don't trot all over it. Right. They don't know that there's anything more than just something interesting to bump into. Right. So it's very, one of the things around boundaries as opposed to walls is you have to stake the boundary. And that's why people like walls. They like walls? Yeah, they like walls. They like the walls because they don't have to tell anybody. People bang into them and they get the evil eye. They get the pissed off response. They get something that's like, you know, oh, I'll see. And so the person with that wall doesn't feel like they have to be actually consciously present. Whereas with a boundary, you have to be consciously present. And you have to even know what they are. So that's the key. So consciously present means you have to be aware of what they are for yourself in order to be consciously aware to tell another. So I can say, stop. I have a boundary around this. This is not comfortable for me. This is not comfortable for me. Not from a place of I need to grow into it, but I feel it's disrespectful. And I just want to let you know that. And I realize you may not have a disrespectful intention, but that's how it is for me. Well, and you would hope that I didn't have a disrespectful intention because what you would hope is that I would say, oh, this is a boundary that Dove has. I'll respect that and we'll go from there. And the truth is you may bump into that boundary many times, but because we've discussed it in a conscious way, I can bring it up and make you aware of it. You can make yourself aware of it without it feeling like, oh, you know, I'm banging into this wall over and over again. Right. So a boundary is something you have for your own self respect. And it's something you are consciously aware of. See, the one of the ways you find out of a wall is your boundary has been crushed so many times that you psychologically built it. And now it's obvious. Right. But you have to, you know, you have to consciously be aware of I need to have a healthy boundary around this. I don't like it when that person touches me in that way. I don't like it when that person speaks to me in that way. Now, the interesting thing is this distinction. A wall, like we talked about in the previous podcast, keeps everybody out and locks you in. Right. It has no flexibility whatsoever. A boundary, however, has complete flexibility. It has gates so that you can leave if you want to. You can expand beyond your own boundary if you want to. Right. And once more is my boundary with Scott, it's going to be different on the same subject. It's going to be different than it is with somebody I've never met before. And it's going to be different. I was just thinking about that. Yeah. Because, yeah, if you look at relationships, you're obviously your boundary with your wife is a lot different than your boundaries say with myself. Exactly. Someone else that you have a year or a student. Exactly. Boundaries have flexibility depending on the individual relationship going on in that moment. And a wall does not. A wall is absolute. Absolutely. Nobody's getting in. I mean, sadly, nobody's getting out. Right. So it's a prison. A boundary has flexibility. But it has conscious awareness. And that's the key to this. That I am consciously aware that I'm letting you in this far when I wouldn't let someone else in that far. Or I may not have let you in this far six weeks ago or six months ago or six years ago. Right. So that flexibility is based on respect and trust and all kinds of things. So that's the distinction between those things. I like the idea of the boundary. And to be quite honest, when we first started talking about it in our last podcast, The Wall, and you sort of mentioned the boundaries, I was feeling a little uncomfortable about the boundaries. Right. It's like how do you work this, but I really like the way that the analogies you've used and the way that you've explained it. Thanks. And with that, I would like to challenge our listeners to, again, give us your feedback because we do want to hear it. We're interested to see how you're really applying this. As you say all the time, information's worth the whole in the doughnut. That's right. Transformation is when you apply the information. So put it in your life. Give us your feedback. I want to know how, take a look at, and give me your feedback. Maybe you don't agree, and that's okay, too. But take a look at where you've had walls that have actually restricted you. Not only kept other people out, but kept you locked in. And take a look at where you may not have honored your own boundaries. You know, because we get upset that people we call across the line. But what I say about boundaries is this, and this is what I'm going to challenge you with, is people don't break your boundaries. You let them. Yeah. So if you take a look at that, and see, here's how I have actually locked myself in and locked others out with my wall. But my boundaries, where have I not respected my boundaries? Where have I not stepped up and been consciously aware? And where do I need boundaries? Take a look at where do you need boundaries? Where are you not having boundaries at all? Period, because those are the only two options. Are there boundaries? Or you don't, or you have a wall? Those are the only three options. Right. So take a look at where you need to have some healthy boundaries. And if you want to know where your healthy boundaries belong, take a look at where you feel respected. Not safe, because that can be a lot of ego stuff, but respected. Affected. So, gently, lovingly, take into a new place and exploring, that's great. Respected. So, if somebody wants to know more about the programs that you offer, where should they go? You can go to Baron, B-A-R-O-N, that's a single op. So Baron Mastery, M-A-S-T-E-R-Y.com. Baron Mastery.com, and you can find out all about the different programs that we offer in a wide variety of subjects, really covering all the aspects of life. Whether that's your mind, your emotions, your finances, your relationships, and your health. Awesome. And so, as you've gone through this homework and this process, head over to www.freemindmasterypodcast.com, and let us know what happened with you. Let us know what your aha moments are, what, what's the same, what your goals are, a goal that you've got, and what you plan on why you wanted to do that goal? Yeah, because we really are listening. We're excited to hear your feedback. That's right. So, you've been listening to the My Mastery Podcast with Scott Patton, Doug Baron, and I look forward to getting the feedback from you, to hear how things are going, and see you next time. Bye. Thanks. [Music] This podcast is a part of the C Suite Radio Network. 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