Is the Love of Your Life "Real"? How to Find a Quality Match!
Your partner could be just around the corner, but how can you ensure your relationship is “real”?
Are you searching for your ideal soulmate? Have you found him/her? How do you know when you’ve met your “match” and what can you do to guarantee it lasts?
Firstly, a relationship will never work if you and your partner do not show your “real” selfs and establish trust. You also need to ensure your values and hobbies are similar. Today on the podcast, we discuss the idea of making a list of attributes you want your soulmate to have and then dividing it into three categories: non-negotiable, preferences and bonuses.
In this episode of the Mind Mastery Podcast, Dov Baron is joined by guests: Scott Paton and Shane Jeremy James as they discuss the real secrets behind managing a long-lasting relationship with your ideal soulmate.
James is the founder of Shane Jeremy Media, Branding Talent and Actions of Compassion. In addition to being a critically acclaimed author, he is a board member of the of Volken Foundation and has developed numerous programs and coached thousands of marketers world-wide on leadership and marketing.
Paton, an executive producer and co-host for over 35 podcasts, is an internationally renowned speaker and currently teaches courses in strategy, management, relationships and more for students in over 190 countries via Udemy. In addition, he is currently a podcaster with Life Enthusiast.
To find out more about Shane Jeremy James: https://www.facebook.com/shanejeremyjames
To hear more about his books: http://amzn.to/2BZZetS
To find out more about Scott Paton: https://www.facebook.com/scottapaton
To hear more about his courses: https://www.udemy.com/user/scottpaton/
"I trust that you found this episode valuable, if so, feel free to send this to your friends. I eagerly anticipate your feedback and comments.
Please share, like and comment below!
I created the Authentic Leadership Matrix after a lot of experience and research. One of the questions I'm asked often is what authentic leadership is and how do we define it. As a result, I created the matrix. It splits what leadership is into five separate categories. So, that you can take a clear look at how you perform in each of the five main areas that are required for you to become a world class authentic leader. The process takes you through each category simply with yes or no questions. http://matrix.fullmontyleadership.com/
With gratitude, Dõv Baron
“In 2015, Dov Baron was cited by Inc Magazine as one of the Top 100 Leadership Speaker to book for your next conference! He speaks internationally and is The Leading Authority on Next-Gen Authentic Leadership and creating a Culture of Fiercely Loyal Leaders. FullMontyLeadership.com
P.S. To get your hands on Dov Baron’s new book “Fiercely Loyal” How High Performing Companies Develop and Retain Top Talent, go take a look here http://fiercelyloyalbook.com and get your FREE: How to instantly bond any team infographic”
To contact: Dov Baron International, and Authentic Paragon Alliance INC. Contact Authentic Paragon Alliance at +1 778 397 7717 http://FullMontyLeadership.com"
Get bonus content on Patreon
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
[music] Welcome to the Mind Mastery podcast. Unlock the secrets to your mind and get everything you ever wanted. Let's join our hosts up there and Scott Patton and Shane James James James James James James We're listening to the Mind Mastery podcast starring Doug Barron, Shane, Jeremy, James and Scott Patton. Ooh, we got a middle name today. He's got a middle name today. Yeah. There's a change occurring. So how are you today gentlemen? Really good. Awesome. Excellent. Excellent. On our last podcast, we were talking about relationships. We were? Yeah, we were. It worked. I've attracted a really wonderful, nice woman into my life and I'm ecstatic. So thank you very much, Doug, for all the hard work that you put into my love life. Wow. When did you meet somebody new? It was about a week and a half ago. Cool. Yeah, we got together a few times and we've decided we like each other and we're going to continue to get together and just see how the relationship unfolds and develops. That's fantastic. Awesome. Yeah. So I'm going to ask you a question which will lead me into the answer. So how are you going to know that this is the person potentially, this potentially is the person you want to be with? How are you going to know that? How am I going to know that? Because you know, if you think about it, same of guys, same of gals go out in the world, you know, and they go out in the world and they treat relationships like potlucks. I mean, you know, like somebody will bring something along and hopefully there's something that I like and that's about it. There's no real sense of discernment about the relationships or where they're going. So how are you going to know that this is the right person aside from having butterflies in your stomach or butterflies in your underwear? Right. Right. What is going on? Because that's a lot of what this makes us decide. Right. So how are you going to decide that this is the right person? How are you going to know how she going to know if she's not here, but you are? Well, let me jump in for a minute because I went on a date Saturday night too. And so for me, it was my communication with her and it was how are we communicating and I was finding out her values and our values have been in line, her beliefs, you know, where she's going in life, you know, are we kind of down the same roads? And I, for me personally, it was the values for me. It was the most important thing to see if our values were somewhat close. Well, that's certainly a great place to start. Yeah. And one of the things we talk about in our relationship programs is that if you have, if you don't have values that match or at least are aligned, then that is a recipe for duels. Right? Yeah. That's good. Well, what amazed me was all of the different activities that we like to do. Like she loves to walk. I love to walk. We like to hike. There's a certain old English style dance I like to do called Contradancing and I took her out to that and she just loved it. So what we were finding was that there was a lot of things that we liked to do. And also the way that she communicated some of what Shane was saying, the way we communicated was really interesting because I felt like we really, really connected in our conversations and things that we were talking about. So to me it was like, wow, you know, I'm looking for someone that can be a companion for the long term. Sure. So I like to do certain things and she likes doing those things as well and that was just like, wow, it was great. Also imagine activities, imagine values and imagine activities. Yeah. Now, let me ask you guys this. You guys are over 21 badly. For those of you who have not seen our pictures, we're all 23. That's right. That's right. So great. Yeah. So great. So great. Yeah. So great. Yeah. So great. That's true. Yeah. I don't want to, this is just because you shave it. It's all on its back. Anyway. So. So, you know, we go out in the world and we meet people in all the years of dating. I'm sure you've had the experience before where you've met somebody who lies the similar activities to you, who has seems to have similar values to you. And that seems to be a match and then of course that's not worked out. We've all been through that experience. That's right. Right. So what is it that happens? Why do you think if you meet somebody who seems to have similar values and similar activities, why does that not work out? Why does it not work out? Yeah. Because we've all had the occasion to meet people like that and then have it not work out. I would say probably because there are deal breakers. There's some, we've a lot of activities that we may have in common but there may be certain ones that are important or values that we have in common but there may be a value where there's a line drawn in the sand and I won't go on that side and she won't come on this side and that is kind of like, you know, there's that misfire. Right. And certainly I agree with you that there are deal breakers but I think that part of the challenge and I want to go to that because that's a very important point by the way. Part of the challenge is this is that when we go out into the world as single people, unconsciously our primary focus is to have somebody like us. And so what that means is we are entering relationships at what at a level by saying, "Hi, I'm Bob, who would you like me to be?" Or, "Hi, I'm Susie, who would you like me to be?" And rather than, "Hi, I'm Bob, here's who I really am." You know, I said, I'll tell you a funny story that for those listeners who are under eighteen or a virgin ear may want to turn the volume down for a moment. Fast forward or something, but you know, I remember that when I started dating my wife, we were on I think a third date and I was feeding her strawberries that were dumped in Champagne and the relationship was already progressing and I'll explain that too. But I was reading about these strawberries done to Champagne and I said, "You know what's great about strawberries?" And she said, "What's the full of enzymes?" And I said, "You know what's great about strawberries and Champagne?" And she says, "What?" I said, "The two sugars mix together and they ferment." And she says, "Oh, really?" And I said, "Yeah." And he gives you gas. And at that point, I released a little bit. We both tried to laugh and I said, "I didn't do that on purpose. It just is what was going to happen." But I wanted to know that I do that because I'm not going to pretend I don't do it so that you're all disappointed six months, two years from now, whatever it is, to suddenly discover that I have flatulence because everybody, it's just a human condition. And what we do is, in the beginning of a relationship, we pretend to be somebody we're not. And that story is just a metaphor of one of the challenges we have. So we don't really show up as who we are. And one of the things that we teach in our program is don't be given stuff, you're not willing to give for the rest of the relationship. So when I met my wife, I wrote romantic cards and send flowers. We're not 12th year. I still write cards and send the flowers. But there's many, I'll grant you, but still it's there. And that's part of the challenge. The other thing is that what happens in a beginning of a relationship is we are much more open. And what I mean by that is, somebody says, "Hey, Delve, do you want to go skiing?" And I go, "Sure, you'll keep. I'll go skiing." Now, I don't particularly like skiing, but I'll go skiing because I want to be with you. Now that's great because that gives us an opportunity to open up and discover new things about ourselves, and that's fantastic. But it's very important to say, generally speaking, not keen on skiing. Let's be honest about it, not keen on it, but I'll go with you because I want to be with you and maybe I'll discover something about it that I didn't know before and maybe I'll enjoy it. That way, if I drop out of it a year later, I told you, I was honest with you, that's not really my gift. So part of the challenge is that we don't really show up real at the beginning of a relationship if we want to impress. I understand that, but you've still got to... Okay, so what happens if I'm showing up? Yeah. Right, let's say that I'm just the fifth person, where I'm out there, I speak my mind, I just do whatever, that's just the way I am. Now, what about the other person? Mm-hmm, and that's the challenge. So you can certainly monitor yourself and do that, and one of the key things, and you will know this, Shane, and I'm sure you do Scott, too, is to ask questions. And to really pay attention to answers. Now, when I say that, because what you were just talking about, matching in values, and we do a whole thing around matching in values, we do it in several of our programs, and our relationship program, we talk about relational values, which are different than life values. But let's, for instance, say that we're discussing it, and you're out on a date, and you meet somebody, and let's say your value is family, and you start talking to that person, and you discover, they say, "Oh yeah, it's very important to me, family's very important to me." And it's easy at that point to jump to the assumption, "We have a matching values." Right. That's not true, because that is what I call the label on the box. The label on the box says "Family." On your box, it says "Family," on my box says "Family." "Great, we have a mess." Open up the box, we may find this very different. So for instance, if somebody says to me, "It's family high value for you," it's in my top ten. It's not my number one, it's in my top ten. And I say to that person, "Well, it's definitely in my top ten, in fact it's in my top five." Fabulous. Do we have a match? Apparently, surferously. Now I say to you, "Well, what does family mean to you?" Because that's an important question, and that's how you get to check whether somebody shows up. What does that mean to you? This is what is going to decide what's in the box. Well, family means to me that I have to live close to my mom, I have to be in touch with my dad every day, my brothers and sisters, and I hang out every Sunday for lunch, that kind of thing. Okay, that's what family means to you. Oh, what does it mean to you? Well, family to me means that I have a spiritual family. These are people that I have a connection with who are not related to me necessarily by blood. They're the people that I like to hang out with who we are supportive to each other of our growth and of our development. We joke around, we can play around, but we can be very deep and very serious. That's family to me. Well, what about your blood family? Well, they live in other countries, and I don't really, it doesn't matter if I don't see them, particularly every Sunday. Now we find we've got a very big mismatch. The labels match the contents deal up, and that's a very important thing when it comes to relationships, is to ask that second question. So not only what is the most important thing to you, but what does that mean to you? I think that's very important. What I've seen happen on my date, because I know some of this, and I asked those questions, when I asked those questions, what I've really seen was she actually listened to me and repeated the question back to me, and then she started answering, and she was really listening. She was really taking it, and as I calibrated her, she was taking it all in. And that was really important to me. That's a great key, because, you know, when I say before about, "Hi, I'm Bob Hood. You want me to pay," when people introduce themselves to us, or when I mean to discuss them, particularly when we want to impress, we actually don't listen, as you well know. We don't listen. What we're actually doing is we're thinking about, "Wow, what's the right answer?" Right, we're going to want to hear, "Oh my God, you're looking. I got to say the right thing here." So actually noticing that a person is paying attention is phenomenal, because that does tell you a lot. It does. That's a great insight. So, you know, when you talk about before about those deal breakers, we talk about the relationships, particularly for a single person, is like shopping when you're hungry. I don't know if any of you have ever shopped when you're hungry. It's a bad time to shop, because you are coming home with baskets full of alken, that crap you do not want to. I don't even get them. I just eat it in the cart. [laughter] It's for those empty wrappers through the checkout. Is this damaged? No, I ate it. Okay. But there's 17 bags of cookies here, so they're all empty. I ate it. Do you like cookies? No. I don't eat them. Right. You're right. I mean that's what it is. We shop when we're hungry, we do the same relationship. We're emotionally hungry, and we shop. And we all know that if you go shopping with a good shopping list, you know specifically what you want. And what we recommend to everybody is develop a shopping list for relationship. And do that, not specifically focused on, "Oh yeah, I'm dating John, I should do the shopping list," and then base the whole bloody shopping list around John. Right. It has to be neutral. And what I would say to people is, "I've got to learn this for it." Make a list, write everything you want. Be as deep, and be as superficial as you like. It's your list. It's okay. All right. So, just anything. Don't like tall, but that's kind of superficial. I don't care. Right tall. If you like dark skinned, right dark skinned, or light skinned, do you think that's superficial? It's okay. It's your list. It's not about being politically correct. Write what you want. Then go through that list. My list, when I met my partner, had 58 things on it. Go through that list, and find out through that list what you call deal break is what I call non-negotiables. Right. Go through the list and find out what is absolutely, totally, completely non-negotiable. Highlight that as non-negotiable, and that is where you'll test yourself. Then after that, you have something called high preference. So you've got non-negotiable, high preference, and then bonus. So anything else is left is just a bonus. So on my list, as I said, I have 58 things. Fifteen of those were non-negotiable. My wife had all 15 non-negotiables, hence we're married. But I can tell you that I dated a couple of girls who went about 13 of the non-negotiables, or you can imagine what my head played with that one. Right. Oh, you know. This is just that. It's not really that important. I mean, it's 13 things. We start negotiating our values away. We start negotiating our joy away, because this is going to be good, but those two things will be a way that I should later. Yeah, I think you just made a really, really good point when you said negotiate your joy away, because when you're looking at those non-negotiables, and even the bonuses and the preferences, those are things that will bring you your happiness and your fulfillment and your actualization and all those things, and when you don't have it and you're missing it in that person, it's like there's a hole in your life. Exactly. So you've got to have those certain things. And once you get that, so like, you know, on mine, non-negotiable was, the couple of them were spiritual, hence it was non-negotiable. Couldn't do without that. On the path, personal development, non-negotiable, non-smoker, non-negotiable. That was for me. Right. Those are not right or wrong. They were just mine. Yeah. There were just three or three or so of the 15. There was also high preferences. Now high preference for me, just a personal preference, not particularly politically correct, but I liked women of color. Right. So that was on my high preference list. What I can tell you is, and this is how I know it was a high preference and not a non-negotiable was, if I'd have met a partner who had 50, my 15 non-negotiables, but she was not of color, if she was a white person, I think I still would have found her deliciously attractive. Right. I know that that would happen. So that just became a high preference. And then after that, there were things that were just bonuses that would be, that would be cool, that would be nice. So on my bonus list was, speaks more than one language. Now I will say, how you know something is just a bonus or a benefit, is if you're asking for something that you don't particularly have yourself yet. So I speak English a little bit of Yiddish and a lot of rubbish. [laughter] I don't, I speak probably a sentence in about eight or nine languages, but not much more than a sentence. My wife actually speaks about four or five languages. Speaks them well. She speaks three of them very well, two of them a heck of a lot better than I do, but good enough that she can have conversations with people of that nationality. That's how I knew it was those were just a benefit, a bonus. Right. So it's like looking at those things. So can I live without this? Yeah, I can, I could live without that, if all my non-negotiables were in place. That's a high preference. If it's something that I'm not quite there yet, but it's something I aspire to, then I can have that as a bonus. And that's the way you sort out those three categories. Then you are not shopping for a partner as if you were hungry. Because if you're going in hungry, somebody shows up and you go, "Oh, sure." Anything will do. Right. So specific. Exactly. Exactly you want. It kind of reminds me of, I used to go home and my mom used to say to me, "You know, Shane, you know, and here's another politically incorrect thing in her model of the world." Right. She would say, "You always date girls with these big boobs and these skinny waist." And I said, "Mom, that's what I like." You know, that's what I'm happy with. You know, I might something else might come along and I might enjoy that, but that's what I like right now. Mm-hmm. And she couldn't understand that, but shake her head at me, right? And I said, "But I enjoy that." That's, you know. But one of the feedbacks that I get from people when I talk about getting a shopping list is one thing to narrow the field. I mean, you know, there's not many people out there, there's six and a half million people out there. Right. Well, even if I narrow it down, I'll never find anybody. If you don't narrow it down, you'll never find anybody except somebody is wrong for you. Mm-hmm. And you'll be bitching and complaining about how they're wrong for you and it's your own bloody fault. It didn't get specific. That's right. Well, I just said to Scott the other day, remember, I said, "Do I know exactly what I want and I won't settle for anything else?" That's right. Because I deserve the best. Exactly right. Well, I'll tell you a funny story about that, about the best, is that I dated and lived with a girl for a while many years ago, and my old man, my dad didn't like many people like David. My dad don't like too many people, period. [laughter] That's his issues. It's okay. [laughter] Oh, but he actually liked this girl, when he called the house and he thought, and he would talk to everyone he thought to me, that was great. So one day he calls, and he calls him from Australia, and he's not picked up the phone. So he says, "Oh, where is she?" She out, and I said, "Yes, she's out." And he says, "Where's she going?" And I said, "No, no, she's out." And he said, "What do you mean?" I said, "She's gone." And he goes, "Oh, she left you?" And I said, "No, we broke up." And he says, "Why? What was wrong with her?" And I said, "There was nothing wrong with her." And he said, "Do you mean there was nothing wrong with her? If there was nothing wrong with her, why did you break up?" And I said, "Because she wasn't right for me." And his response was, "Do you think you're going to find somebody perfect? You're going to find somebody perfect, you know?" And I said, "Dad, I'm not interested in finding somebody perfect. I'm interested in finding somebody who's perfect for me. Not negotiating that." Yeah. Now it's interesting because I dated a girl, and we broke up. And I said to my buddy one day, "Maybe I'm just too picky." And he said, "I'm going to tell you what you told me, I'm going to remind you of what you told me. Settle for anything less than you, less, and you will be miserable for years." Settle for anything less than you'll be miserable for years. And we all know stories of people that are together for 25 years, or their whole lives, and are miserable. Well, just so you know, divorce rate, first time marriages, 57 percent, okay? Do we learn from our mistakes? No. We don't. You know what the second time divorce rate is? 64 percent. Oh, so we get better at it. We get better at being bad at relationship, right? Yeah. First time relationships, guess what the percentage is? 75 percent failure rate. Over the third, fourth, and fifth marriages, in the 90 percent, do we get better or worse as we keep repeating the process? We get worse because we don't look at ourselves. And by the way, those statistics only include marriages that have gone through a formal ceremony. It doesn't include people who live together, but it sure as heck does not include people who live miserably ever after. Yeah. That's right. You know, we're married, so we're going to stay that way so we're dead. Although I can't bear you, and please don't have a come in the same room as me. Let alone the bedroom, because I'm phobicoke. So what that leaves about, what, 20 percent of people that are happy? I would say no. No, I would say the statistics on happy, full-blown, spousal relationship is about 3 percent. Wow. And I've been a therapist for 25 years, which is amazing because I'm only 23. And I'm 16. Exactly. But we're all very mature for our age. You know, I would say that the success rate of relationship is about 3 percent. What you guys know this, that the success rate overall of people is about 3 percent. What's the difference? It doesn't matter whether we're talking about relationships, whether we're talking about business, or whether we're talking about fitness, or whether we're talking about wealth. The average success rate is about 3 percent. And the question is, are you in the top 3 percent of relationships of success, of business, of wealth? Are you in the other 97 percent? And if you're in the other 97 percent, are you doing something to move yourself towards the top 3 percent in life? That's right. I mean, that's such a broad subject, that 97 percent, because there's so much we can go on that. But let's say somebody stuck in that 97 percent, give me some fast tips what they can do to get out of it, besides come work with you. The fastest tip is the tip that you would give them, Shane. Find a great mental. Find somebody who is already in that 3 percent. And you know what's interesting about that whole thing is if you find a mentor who you think is in that top 3 percent and you ask them, they will probably say they're not. And the reason for that is because the people who are actually in the top 3 percent understand something that only they're truly successful understand. And that is that they're truly successful, never graduate. There's a consistent commitment to growth. So even those at the top 3 percent are still growing, they're still aspiring to be more in who they are and how they develop. And anybody you meet who's offering to be your mentor who thinks they're there, find another mentor. Yeah. That would be my best advice. One of my mentors, mentors, has said to him, if I could do it, he said two things. If I could do it all again, one he said he would take way more risks and he was a billionaire. And then he also said I would have had way more mentors in my life to take me to the next level. Just get a billionaire. Exactly. Right? So proof in the pudding right there. So whether it's relationships, success, fitness, health or wealth, it's always about being in that top 3 percent or aspiring to be in that top 3 percent in your life. And I think that the next time we get together, we should talk about that. We should talk about we can actually go into the wealth symposium that we've got going on in May that you guys are going to be part of. And we'll talk about being in that 3 percent in what it takes to be that. Excellent. Cool. All right. So you've been listening to the Mind Mastery podcast. Dove, is someone want to know more about the programs that you've got and you? Where could they go? Well, you can find out about me and my name is Dove, D-O-V, not Dove. Not like the bird. Not like the bird. That's got things I am. I can't tell the difference. Okay. Say dog. Dog. Now say dove. Dove. There you go. But everybody, it happens all the time and I don't mean to embarrass you at the end. God's blushing right now, by the way. That red shine on the top of the head looks good. Thank you. Look at the instant 10. If you want to find out about me, Dove Baron, you can go to www.baron, b-a-r-o-n, mass story, M-A-S-T-E-R-Y.com, baron, mastery.com. You can find out all about our programs, live events about quantum mind mastery, quantum soul mates and of course the upcoming quantum wealth mastery, which we're going to talk about on the next podcast. Awesome. And if you want to listen to more of our podcasts, you can go to www.freemindmasterypodcast.com. We've got them all archived there and leave some comments. We'd like to know if you've got any questions and we'll address them in the future podcasts. Thanks everybody. Shane, any last words? He shook his head since you can't see him. Sadly, it's not a video, bud, just. Thanks everybody. Thanks everybody. Bye-bye. Bye. [MUSIC PLAYING] This podcast is a part of the C-suite Radio Network. For more top business podcasts, visit c-suiteradio.com. [chime]
