What is the Secret to a Perfect Relationship? It's not Compromise!
The Keys to Managing a Solid and Long-lasting Relationship
With nearly 57% of all marriages failing, it’s easy to see that a healthy, truly loving relationship can seem hard to come by.
So, what strategies do you need to guarantee that you have relationship success?
To begin with, you will need the correct understanding of the psychology of relationships; what brings us together, how love alone will not get you through and the secret ingredient to making love last.
You’re also going to need a set of tools and techniques for navigating the rough patches – without causing resentment, which is the silent relationship cancer.
Then and only then will you have the solid foundations on which to build a healthier, more stimulating and lasting relationship than you’d ever imagined.
In this episode of the Mind Mastery Podcast, Dov Baron is joined by guests: Scott Paton and Shane Jeremy James as they discuss quantum field of soulmates and guaranteeing your relationship’s success.
James is the founder of Shane Jeremy Media, Branding Talent and Actions of Compassion. In addition to being a critically acclaimed author, he is a board member of the of Volken Foundation and has developed numerous programs and coached thousands of marketers world-wide on leadership and marketing.
Paton, an executive producer and co-host for over 35 podcasts, is an internationally renowned speaker and currently teaches courses in strategy, management, relationships and more for students in over 190 countries via Udemy. In addition, he is currently a podcaster with Life Enthusiast.
To find out more about Shane Jeremy James: https://www.facebook.com/shanejeremyjames
To hear more about Actions of Compassion: http://actionsofcompassion.com
To find out more about Scott Paton: https://www.facebook.com/scottapaton
To hear more about his courses: https://www.udemy.com/user/scottpaton/
"I trust that you found this episode valuable, if so, feel free to send this to your friends. I eagerly anticipate your feedback and comments.
Please share, like and comment below!
I created the Authentic Leadership Matrix after a lot of experience and research. One of the questions I'm asked often is what authentic leadership is and how do we define it. As a result, I created the matrix. It splits what leadership is into five separate categories. So, that you can take a clear look at how you perform in each of the five main areas that are required for you to become a world class authentic leader. The process takes you through each category simply with yes or no questions. http://matrix.fullmontyleadership.com/
With gratitude, Dõv Baron
“In 2015, Dov Baron was cited by Inc Magazine as one of the Top 100 Leadership Speaker to book for your next conference! He speaks internationally and is The Leading Authority on Next-Gen Authentic Leadership and creating a Culture of Fiercely Loyal Leaders. FullMontyLeadership.com
P.S. To get your hands on Dov Baron’s new book “Fiercely Loyal” How High Performing Companies Develop and Retain Top Talent, go take a look here http://fiercelyloyalbook.com and get your FREE: How to instantly bond any team infographic”
To contact: Dov Baron International, and Authentic Paragon Alliance INC. Contact Authentic Paragon Alliance at +1 778 397 7717 http://FullMontyLeadership.com"
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[Music] Welcome to the Mind Mastery podcast. Unlock the secrets to your mind and get everything you ever want to do. Let's join our host, Doug Behren's Scott Patrick Shane James James James James James James James James James James James James James James! Welcome back everybody. You're listening to the Mind Mastery podcast. Welcome everyone. Good to be here. Yes. Are you guys all doing today? Good. Great. So Scott, Doug, and Shane once more. And last time, we were talking about one of my favorite subjects which is attracting a nice person into my life. Oh my goodness. Nice. Do we have four days? Uh, four months. We're both okay. Nice. It's been a life long journey, but also, you guys... It's usually what it is, a life long journey, Scott. I was in here to get away with nothing today. Doug just went and put his therapist's hat on and I'm laying down. So, why do people attract people that make them miserable into their lives? Uh, is that miserable? [Laughter] I'm going to look at somebody else that's here. I'm up and it doesn't look. That's the straight answer. Podcast over. [Laughter] Well, thank you for listening. Go by now. Uh, you know, there's a lot of truth in what you did. Oh, absolutely. There is. There's a very lot of truth in it. And I'm being flipped, but the fact is that it's very true. You know, we have to look at why we attract anybody, first of all. You know, we've got this idea. You know, we talk a lot about this and we have a program called Quantum Soulmates. They have two versions of that. One is for couples, one is for singles. So, when is the single one coming? Uh, the single one is not till the summer. Till the summer. The summer of 2008. The couples one is actually coming up at the end of February. Uh, actually. I guess I have to find somebody to get married quickly. Uh, no, you have to be with them for a year anyway. Okay. That's the rule of coming up to already being here for a year. And there's a very good reason for that because of relationships, what's called relationship cycles. Um, but when we talk about relationship, one and a traction and what is it that attracts us to someone, you know, this old idea that we're all looking for our soulmate. Now, for those of us, uh, not you Shane, but the rest of us, um, who are over twenty one. Um... [laughter] All except that. Regrettment is, this idea in the 70s that came about, and I really remember this coming about, which was this idea of finding your soulmate. And I clearly remember reading all those channeled books and all that stuff, about what a soulmate was. And I remember, um, seeing advertisements from workshops of people who were with their soulmates and they were going to teach you how to find your soulmate because there's only one soulmate for you. You know, six and a half, almost seven billion people in the planet. But only one is your soulmate. God forbid, yours lives in a darkest Africa somewhere and you're terrified to get on a plane. Because that makes you, I mean, low interest, you're like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, so hilarious. It's a, it's a really crazy idea. We talk about something called quantum soulmates, which is a very different idea and, and what that means is anybody that you are attracted to is quote, unquote, a soulmate. And what that means is there's an energy between the two of you that is there to facilitate both your healing and your growth and the potential for love. Now, whether that's a romantic sexual love or whether that's a friendship love or whatever it is, that, that person is the person you're, you're supposed to spend some level of time with because there's an evolution to you that will come out of that relationship. So excuse this, because this is a great example of it, but you know, that's all, realize that we're all spirit guys here, you know, you know, and, and, and, and some people even watch the game on Sunday, you know, me, but hey, whatever chance you are. Oh, we're so, we're so excited either. You're just gone. So maybe we are all sickly. Now, but, by virtue of the way that we all have connected, the way that we've all found each other and come together means that we have a soulmate connection. There is this connection between us that has drawn us together for the evolution and the good of all of us. So we are always pulled to somebody who will evolve us. So now you say, well, you go out, you were saying on the last podcast, you can go out and you meet someone and you realize they're not for you. I'm certainly not suggesting that you realize this person is not for you, therefore you should continue doing. Absolutely not. What I am saying is it's always worth looking at why did I attract this person? Not how. As in, well, my aunt Sally introduced me to them. Well, my friend Bob thought we'd make a good match. Why? Why was I pulled to this person? So here she is, you know, because you're a guy and you're looking for lady. So here she is and she's more miserable than, you know, anything and trying to find a nice way to say that. She wasn't miserable. Well, okay, that's a good example. I just hear somebody's miserable. You bring somebody miserable and you go, you know, I don't want to be with somebody miserable. Then you look at that and you say, why would I bring this to me? What is in this? Now, you know, let's just play around with it from that. If you've brought somebody miserable into your life, did you bring them into your life because you're a miserable and it's a reflection of you. Did you bring somebody into your life because they're miserable and you have not been focused enough on your own joy? Did you bring somebody miserable into your life to remind you of your miserable mother that you still got a massive amount of issues with it. You're not really dealt with on your miserable dad because by the way, it's not gender specific. It could be, and your issues are all over the place. Did you bring this person in so that you could put a smile on their face for one sweet moment in that person's day that they could have a good feeling about themselves, and you could remind them that they are much more beautiful internally than the miserable behavior they have externally. So, we start looking at that. Of course, this goes very, very deep when we don't have the time for that. But the understanding is that everybody we attract into our lives, everybody's supposed to attract into our lives. Here's the deal with it and here's the trap. What people will interpret that as or can interpret that as is, I've attracted this person into my life because I've got something to learn, so I've got to keep them in my life. Wrong. Go back to start. Don't do that. Please be kind to yourself. That's one of the new age nonsense is, and the problem with it is, is, you know, well, I'm getting a crap kicked out of me emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. It's not working for me, sometimes even physically. It's not working for me, but I know there's some great spiritual lesson in this for me. Yeah, there's a lesson to get the hell away. That's the lesson. So, sometimes the lesson is just to have the clarity of your intention to say, "Mm, thank you, no, thank you." Yeah. And there's a lot, yeah, I found there was a lot of power in being able to say, "You know what, that's not the right person for me, and so I'm going to move on." Mm-hmm. Because my habits and probably behaviors in the past would have been to try to fix it or make it right or change or whatever. And so, that was like, wow, this is really cool. You know, I met this person, I know right away that we're still friends, you know, we're going to get together, we'll have coffee and everything else. I mean, it's just a nice person. But we both know that that's not going to be, you know, boyfriend-girlfriend-type of relationships. So, what happens when we're addicted to the emotional state and are still stating in their relationship and scared of the change? Well, you know, you're talking about addicted to the emotional state, and I guess we should clear that up because the emotional state you can be addicted to could be miserable. Mm-hmm. Because many, you know, many, one of the things we talk about is that many people are happy being unhappy. Yeah, what a concept that is. Isn't it, right? They actually, the idea of changing to do something else is too scary for them. So, they're actually, you know, and I say happy being unhappy, but what it really is is they're comfortable being unhappy. Mm-hmm. They don't want anything else, and they will bitch and complain and moan about why they're not happy. But you say, well, here's an opportunity to do something else, why couldn't do that? Well, well, what about this? No, I couldn't do that either. Well, what about this? No, that tried, that didn't work for me. Well, you know, they've always got an excuse. Right. So, they get addicted because it is an addiction, by the way. It fires up a bunch of neurochemicals in your brain, and it becomes an actual addiction to those polypeptide chain of chemicals surging to your bloodstream when it picks up by the receptors on your cells, just like they would if they were opium. So, we can very easily get addicted to negative feelings. So, when those, so when those neurons wire together, they become hard together, right? Mm-hmm. How do we change that then? Well, this, you all know this, and you're familiar with this, and the great thing around this is something called pattern interrupts. I love pattern interrupts. So, if you catch yourself doing something that you know is destructive or unhealthy, if you find yourself going back to repeat behaviors, one of the ways that you can mess to your mind around that, and when it comes to these things, is to do a pattern interrupt. I like pattern interrupts that are stupid. I like pattern interrupts that are funny. I, you know, rather than, you know, a pattern interrupt is, you know, you're doing something really rotten and you say, "Oh, you're an idiot. Why are you doing that?" But it's not particularly empowering, whereas to say, you know, we use them all the time. Friend of mine, I'll give you an example. Here's a great example. Friend of mine and I were hanging out one day, and he said, "This is about 20 odd years ago." And he said to me, "Do you know you were, you're a bit short without a person, you're a bit sharp." And I said, "Really?" I had no idea. I didn't even, didn't recognize that at all. I said, "Yeah, I don't want to be like that. That's not direct, but I don't want to be, I don't want to be nasty." So, I said, "Would you do me a favor?" And he said, "What?" I said, "Let's have a code." And he says, "Okay, it's a pattern interrupt. I'm going to get you to give me a code." And he said, "If I'm doing it and I'm unconscious of it, I don't recognize it. I want you to use a code on me." He said, "Okay, what code?" And I said, "We're going to say, there's a banana in it. There's a banana in it." There's a banana in it. Nobody else will know what the act that means. So you're not embarrassing them or me, but it's going to instantly remind me, "Oh, you know, maybe I'm a bit of a hardship." So he said, "Yeah, okay, I can do that for you." And as we're agreeing to do this, we're leaving my apartment to go to the dry cleaners across the street. And we go into the dry cleaners, and I take in my bag of laundry and I'm unloading it to this lady and saying what I want. And I'm very conscious of being gentler, as I'm saying these things. And certainly as she's unfolding my last thing and ready to take it in, my friend takes this Mac on and he says, "Oh, maybe I'll get this clean, too." So he hands us to her and he says, "Can I get this done, too?" And she says, "Yes." And he says, "Oh, great. Okay." And she says, "When would you like it?" And he says, "Doesn't matter." And she said, "When would you like it?" He said, "It doesn't matter." She said, "What state? Tuesday, Thursday?" He says, "It doesn't matter." I said, "Just check the pocket. I think you left a banana in it." Great panning's right. Suddenly he went, "Well, Thursday's good." Welcome to a good pattern interrupt. Those are the fun ones. There's a fun way to play with it. So what we're talking about here is understanding that you can stop breaking the way these synapse fires together, the way that chemistry fires in your brain so that you stop breaking the addictive behaviors that show up a lot in relationships. Because you'll notice that you're worse behaviors with the people you are most familiar with. Right, right. We're talking about relationships here. So that's where they show up. So if you've got good friends and you've got people in your life who love and care about you, developing those things together is a really great way to help you break those patterns. Yeah. Because one of the things is years ago, I gave some advice in front of mine saying about going out. He said, "He always blew it when he went out on a date." He said, "He didn't know what he did, but he just blew it." So I said, "I'll tell you what. This girl you're going to run a date with doesn't know me from a bar of soap. I'm going to sit next to you on the next day. Well, I'm going to listen to you. I'm going to be taking notes and I'm going to come back after the date, after you've blown it, because he's already pre-set, but he's done a blow. He's already decided that. I'm going to help you to figure out what it is. And we came back after, and of course he blew it, and we came back and we looked at it and he said, "I don't know what I did." And we walked through what he did. And what he did was, he forgot who he was. Now that for me is one of the big telltales of what happens for people when they go in the dating scene. You see, we go out and instead of saying, "Hi, I'm Bob. How you doing?" That might be what we're saying externally. But what we're really saying internally is, "Hi, who do you need me to be so you like me?" That actual message we're really sending. The problem is the other person is going, "Hi, who do you need me to be in order for you to like me?" So in fact, these two people have not met. They actually won't meet for quite some time in a series of dating, unless both of them have got clear intention about who they are, and clear intention about what it is they want. Because if they've got clear intention about what it is they want, and they meet a nice person on a date, but they know that this is not what they want. They say, "You know what? This was terrific. Thank you. I really enjoyed it. I'd love to be your friend. We can have coffee at a button." No, thank you, which is what you did. That shows that you have a greater clarity about who you are because you've already started to sort out what it is that you want. So that is part of what makes the difference. He was blowing it because every time he wasn't him, and all of his friends and our friends who were women would say, "I don't get it. Why all of our girls wouldn't date you? You're a great guy. You hate that." But he never showed up. That's part of what happens in the dating scene is we don't show up. So to sit now, let's flip that around to being in relationship. Being in a relationship, what happens is now we only let them see our worst behavior. So we tend to, in relationships, we take the other person for granted over a longer period of time. We tend to not pay attention to our behavior. We become unconscious, and we let them see the worst of us. So how does that look? You're single. You show up for somebody fake. You're in a long-term relationship, and you only let them see the crappy side of you because you're not bothered to pay attention, and being gratitude for the relationship that you have. So we really don't show up in either case. Exactly. So are you there in either place? No, you're not really there in the true sense of who you are. So again, it's interesting because we're going back to the previous podcast, you have to have clear intention. Not only about what you want, but about who you are. And that's why we talk about our relationship program, big controversial subject. We talk about an our program. We teach compromise-free relationship. Compromise-free relationship. Exactly. How many of us grew up with this idea that the only way to have a great relationship is you've got to compromise up the yin-yang. Well, I'll tell you what compromise does. Compromise leads to resentment, and resentment is relationship cancer. It'll lead it away. Because compromising is a count-keeping. Oh, so, you know, I've gone to my mother's. No, I don't like going to your mother's. Well, I want you to call me, okay, I'll go be your only one. Right there, compromise resentment, a count-keeping. Yeah. Next time, well, I want to go to the game. Oh, I don't want you to go to the game. I want you to stay home with me. Well, I want to see your mother's with you. So you're going to let me go to the game. What is this? It's not a relationship. It's a bad negotiation. What we want to do instead of compromising is to cooperate. Now, cooperation is completely different because it becomes a co-promise. Right? We promise together. Yeah. So, there's no count-keeping. I don't give any accounts to my wife. I can't tell you all the amazing, wonderful things she's done for me as gifts. She couldn't tell you all the amazing, wonderful things I've done for her as gifts. Then I did this for you, so you owe me. It's a gift. So if I do it and I can't let it go, I can't do it. So I have to be able to do it, not holding any account at all. So, a compromise for a relationship really means that I don't have to give up anything of me. And what happens in these compromised relationships is I'm going to give a bit of me away and you're going to give a bit of you away and eventually we'll wear each other down into this sort of mucky ball of something that's supposed to be our relationship rather than I'm a whole your whole and what we teach is there's a third entity called the relationship that we both feed into. Very different. Nice. Very, very different way to look at relationship. So instead of having less of us, we actually end up with more of us feeding into a separate entity called relationship. Yeah, so co-promising rather than compromising. That's cool. I've never heard of a put that way before. Yeah, totally material. Definitely. It's reminded me of a conversation I have with a friend of mine and she said that she met this guy on a date. First time she met him, he pulled out 500 bucks and said here, wanted to give her $500 to stay on the date with her with him, right? I thought there's an ultimate compromise that she didn't take the money and didn't have anything to do with this gentleman. That's a good decision or else she may have been saying she was in the wrong business. This is amazing. That's an example of how much we want to trade ourselves rather than just show up. It's so much easier if you show up. Yeah, but people are afraid to show and it's very simple. I said earlier that people say instead of saying hi above how do you do, we're saying who do you want me to be? The reason people don't show up is because they're afraid that if they did, they'd be rejected. We're talking about my mastery. Here's the loop that the mind plays. If I show up as me, I'll get rejected. I'll show up as this subversion of me, which is not real at all. If that gets rejected, it won't hurt as bad. The truth is, you got rejected from a relationship and the person never got to meet you. You lost. The ego mind is constantly trying to protect you from hurt. Eventually, all that brings you is more hurt. Everything that we avoid brings us more of whatever is we avoid. If we're trying to avoid the pain, we end up with way more pain and that's all there is to it. It just becomes more and more painful. We have to stop doing that and show up real. What's great about that is if you get rejected, you're getting rejected for you and then you are clear about who you are. That means the person who comes and accepts you, it's not an act. They know who you are. My wife will tell you that the guy she married is the guy she's with. We've been married one to ten years. That's what it is. You don't clap out who the person is four years later. I was the guy and this is just who I am. I'm the guy who likes to gobble on the couch. I'm still the guy who likes to gobble on the couch. I didn't do that so that we could get down and dirty. I didn't buy flowers in order to impress. I buy flowers because I like flowers and I still buy flowers. It's all those kinds of things. I admit I wrote a lot more cards in the beginning of the relationship. Like one a day, get all my convincedness. I still send cards. I still hand write love letters to my wife. That was things I just wanted to do. Things I wasn't willing to do, I'm still not willing to do. That didn't change. It's not going to change. I'm a big flirt. Not interested in anybody else but I flirt all the time. I sit to my wife on the heart very early on when we start dating. You have a problem with me flirting? She says, "No." I said, "You might be saying that because it's the right thing to say, but I'm telling you, I flirt. I flirt with everybody. I flirt with men. I flirt with women. I flirt with kids. It's not sexual. It's a play between me and the other person that can be interpreted by a jealous person as sexual or whatever it is. It's not. It's play. That flirting will never stop. She said to me, "By human arguments, I said totally. I don't have a problem then." She said, "Because I'm a flirt too. Great." Neither of us are jealous. We both understand that that's who we are as individuals. There's no compromise. I don't walk in a room and see a flirt with somebody, "Oh my God, she's going to run off." Or I should go flirt with that person to get back on her because that would be that resentment stuff. She's like, "Oh, she's having fun." That's a great example of a conversation to have with your partner. Absolutely. Most of us don't have that type of conversation until we've been in a relationship for 10 or more years, probably. And that's usually in front of a therapist. Listen, this is going down faster than the Titanic in the heart city. Please help out. So there is a need. I mean, really what we're talking about here is that if you are going to have relationships, and I don't care whether you are single or whether you're in a primary relationship, if you're going to have relationships that work, you have got to show up. Now, again, that's one of those cliche terms. What that means is you've got to know who you really are. And I'm not saying instead of saying, "Oh, there's a sale in therapy this week. Go down to the local came out of therapists." What I'm saying is you've got to do some serious self-inquiry. We're not talking about being stubborn. We're talking about knowing what is inherently true about who you are. And then when that shows up, that's consistent. That's all there is to it. So what should we look for to know who we are? Let's see if we can't see it. We're walking around the world. We're in a trance, and we're just kind of going along in life, and we can't see it. What would I do? Well, you know, one of the primary motivators for human beings, the two primary motivators for human beings is pleasure and pain. One of the primary motivators, and I think is a much stronger motivator, psychologically, is pain. If you don't know who you are, one of the greatest ways to find out who you are is to look at your pain. So what I mean by that is whatever it is that brings dissatisfaction and pain into your life, if you look at that, genuinely take a look at that, that, I believe, that pain, that tension we carry is a beckoning of our own heart, of our own soul. You are in direct conflict with yourself if you're in that pain, whatever that pain is. So if you want to find out who you are, you must go to the pain. But what we do as we go, that hurts, so it's no good. Look the other way. Look the other way. Let's put a smile on, let's do some positive thinking, everything will be all right. No, you must look at the pain. What is it about this that makes it so hard for me? Right? We're not talking about getting rid of another person, we're not talking about keeping another person. We're not looking at my pain. Not about you, but about me, but I. What's my pain? Because your pain is the gift that will reveal you. Nobody who ever got enlightened got it just by smiling. It is actually the willingness to look at our own suffering. It's what the Buddha teaches. We get it from looking at our own suffering. See, because everybody, by virtue of being on the planet, if you've got skin, you're in a process of evolution, psychological, emotional, spiritual evolution, and you're in that evolution. Nobody ever gets to that evolution by sitting still. You've got to keep growing. Every time we're looking, we're always looking to get feeling better. I'll feel better. Then you get there, but that wears off. It's interesting because we're coming back to a loop here, because we're talking about this whole thing around attraction. What do we want to attract, which is about manifesting what it is that we want to manifest. I'm going to tell you a bit, get a bit deeper, but let's just go with this for a minute. Everything you want, whoever you are, may include it, everything you want, you want in order to satisfy an emotional need that was not met when you were a child. It is a substitute for that, whether it's a new Porsche, a new Mac computer, new girlfriend, new girlfriend, new boyfriend, new boyfriend, doesn't matter. That's what you're looking for. If you will look at that pain, you'll find out who you are, and you'll look at what needs to be healed within you. From that, you'll find your truth. I described that pain in our lives as being the wheel of which the stone is pushed against the polish. A diamond is just a rock until it hits that wheel. It gets polished. That's the gift to discover who you are, is to look at your pain. In order to get a nice, shiny diamond, you have to do a little bit of work. We have to do quite a bit of work. What happens if we go back into the pain, we're in the pain, we're experiencing the pain, we understand where we're going wrong, we see our behavior. How long should we stay in the pain? You've got to see the behavior because you're at first cause. You've got to see the behavior. You took yourself to that pain to remind yourself of whatever the wound is back in your own childhood. Then you track backwards and say, what is the behavior that I do to keep taking myself back to this crappy pain? Then you get to change the behavior. I get it. It's like a loop. You can't change it until you know it, and if you're unconscious about it, or like you like to say a sleep, it's not going to change. So you've got to wake up. Exactly. Good morning. Good morning. You've got to keep waking up, and as I said, the best way to do that is to start looking at your pain. When you guys know you changed one of my events, where I asked people to go down two paths. The path of regret. And the path of your own spectacular life. Well, the path of regret is to look at that pain. Because then we'll motivate you to do whatever you need to do to get going in your life. And that's what it's all about. Great. Awesome. Well, thank you very much. That was great information. Can you last comment, Jane, before we sign off? I think we should do one more in relationships. Because there's just so much more. Yeah, there's just so much more we can go. And I know it's like such a broad subject for everybody. And I think you just barely scratched the surface of what we were getting into. So I think that would be great if we could do one more. Absolutely. We'll do more. And you know, if we get requests from people, and they write in and tell us what they're interested in specifically around that, happy to go there too. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, make sure you head over to our podcast page. And I took www.baronmastery.com to find out about me and what it is that I do. And to-- Is it free? Mindmasterypodcast.com? That sounds right. Freemindmasterypodcast.com. And that's where you can see all the archives and at least in comments. Let us know what you think. Because it's really important because we want it to be interesting for everybody to listen to. Until next time. Thank you. It's been a great being here. It's been a great sharing time with you guys. Thank you. Bye-bye. [MUSIC] This podcast is a part of the C Suite Radio Network. For more top business podcasts, Visit c-sweetradio.com (chimes)
