Big Blend Radio
Lea Brovedani - Letting Go to Have a Peaceful End-of-Life
On this episode of Big Blend Radio's SOUL JOURNEY DOULA podcast with death doula Lea Brovedani, Lea discusses the importance of Letting Go to have a Peaceful End-of-Life. Letting go doesn't mean giving up. As we approach our final years, we let go of unrealistic expectations of others, of material possessions, of anger, jealousy, and other emotions that don't serve us.
Lea's 5 Pillars of Support as a Death Doula:
* Spirit - Uphold beliefs and practices
* Emotion - Honor feelings
* Mind - Life review and gleaning meaning
* Body - Increase comfort, health and safety
* Practical - Create completions
Learn more about Lea's work at https://souljourneydoula.com/
Follow the podcast here: http://tinyurl.com/b6c9jfnu
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
- Duration:
- 34m
- Broadcast on:
- 18 Jul 2024
- Audio Format:
- mp3
Welcome to Soul Journey Dula, a big blend radio end-of-life podcast featuring Lee Bravadani. Welcome everyone. Today we're going to be talking about letting go with the Soul Journey Dula because that is something that is probably going to help you have a, as you say, a peaceful transition, Lee, right? To kind of let go of like I didn't do it all or you know, last time you were on the show we were talking about doing our bucket list, right? And kind of do what we can. Now we're going to get to the point of, well, what if we didn't get to the bucket list? Don't beat yourself up, right? Yeah. Yeah. You don't want to let go before you have to let go. Ah, there it is. But yeah, when do you have to kind of, do you sit there and have those kind of conversations with those and getting, you know, getting prepared for the transition about kind of the thoughts that go through the relationships? A lot of times it's going to be relationships, right? Well, I was reading on Shannon Doherty who just recently died. She was from 90210 and she was only 50 years old and she died of breast cancer. And I was reading and it talked about some of her regrets that she regretted that she had never had a child. There and then there comes a point because she was hopeful up until a few weeks before she died that somehow she could beat this. And so she had to let go of that and make peace with this is where I am. And then I believe that at the end, the people who have the easiest time are the ones who can look back and say, "And yet I did this. And yet I did this." And I might not have gotten to Europe, but I got to Las Vegas and they had the Eiffel Tower at, you know, in the plaza. I don't know, you know, not trying to make light of it, but I am trying to make light of it. Sure. At a certain point you have to recognize what is and what is it? Mm-hmm. Exactly. And what about relationships? Because maybe, like I have dear friends and one passed to their sisters and one did a naughty new new, not a big no-no in their relationship, but it wasn't like a big no-no that it was the end of the world. But they, it was bad, but it wasn't that bad. You and I would laugh at it. But the other sister got thoroughly, you know, miffed at what happened and she was running up, she runs a business and then the sister helped her out at the business and the sister dropped an F-bomb instead of a client in front of a customer. And that was unacceptable to the owner, right? Her other sister, elder sister. And they didn't speak for quite a while, because one was just, I'm really mad, but then when the other one was passing, I mean, they made up, right? But when it was time for the one with the mouth to pass, because she did get cancer really quickly, she, they just sat holding hands, laughing and crying and laughing at, including that. Like remember how we did this, you know, and how we got, you know, we were on the rocks there, what a waste of time kind of thing, but laughed about it, because of it, why not? You might as well laugh at it, right? They laughed, they went through memories together and that was her last moments of life, was just laughing and crying and laughing and crying together and just holding each other. So they had to get over it, because even none of them, they can't separate those two anyway. But what about that in relationships where you may have a, you know, a gap between the two people and ones, you know, going to pass and realizes maybe they need to make amends or if you can't make amends, do you just kind of go, Well, I didn't, but I still care and kind of reconcile that within yourself because sometimes you can't. You know, I think that the people have the hardest times are people who don't know how to let go. And so they take those resentments and I, you know, I think that a lot of us hold this myth that at the end, everything is tied up with a nice bow and relationships with everyone are resolved and everybody stands around your bedside saying, you know, you were the best blah, blah, blah. But what I've observed is that doesn't happen. There are people who die on their own. And I think that's really sad. And they're at a certain point, you have to recognize, if you're angry at someone, is that what you want to carry? Is that what you want to hold on to in your last moments that you have this resentment towards this person? Yeah, that's, how's this a friend of mine, her mom was very hoity-toity, very fascist, fashion conscious, very everything, she has to look, you know, prim and proper. And my friend is, you know, retired and elder now, but she is the complete opposite. She's a tomboy, you know, she's like me, I really don't care. Like, honestly, can I just put a t-shirt back on now? So she's a birder and a nature person, a farmer, all of that, right? So this is bipolar opposite, right? And her mom was always mean to her because of that. So there was a rift between them. However, she was there when her mom died and her mom, she didn't let anyone see her until when her mom had passed, she had gone to the funeral specialist and they had put her lipstick on and put her hair the way because she knew. And my friend is not religious, you know, she's spiritually conscious. But even though they had this rift between them, they never made pure immense because her mother just was not that way. But when she passed, she, until she was all dolled up the way, she always looks, you know, as best she can when someone's passed on, then people could come and see her because she didn't want people to see her dying because she wasn't looking her best. That's pretty hardcore. Yeah. And for my friend to go and honor those wishes is pretty amazing too. Yeah. Even though it goes completely against her character of it's not against her character to in honor, but against her character to be all, you know, we're all like, we're like you, let's go get composted, you know, we're different, you know, yeah, but that I think it's much nicer than blacking a tooth and, you know, putting smudges under her eyes and saying, come look at the old, but yeah, I know there would love there. And she knew what was important to her mom and carried out that last thing. And she let go first. Yeah. Yeah. And her mom didn't let go. But she had what she wanted. So maybe that's an interesting thing, huh? So sometimes you stick to who you are. I don't know when it's, I mean, that's who she was. That was what was important to her. Not necessarily what I would agree with, but that's not my thing. That's not got anything to do with me, you know? And I just thought, Lisa, if you and I had people who resented us because we sometimes said things we shouldn't. Holy crap. Oh, we're in trouble. We're in trouble. So I think people, yeah, I get, you know, I get the audio email or two and comments on things. You know, I get in trouble. Yeah, yeah. Uh huh. Sure. Sure. I can imagine because most of the time we spend together and for anyone who's listening, like Lisa and I met each other doing this. So yeah, yeah. I knew her and we were friends and she said, come on the podcast. No, it was a professional relationship. And this is what I do. And this is what I do. And we got together. But not a surprise. When I met you and Nancy, it was, yeah, friends. And we went from margaritas. Yeah. I just actually wrote about you, by the way, during an article. Yeah, I forgot to tell you about that. This is a good podcast to talk about. Um, yeah, I just wrote about you about how we met and how you emailed. You had a book and you're coming on the podcast and you answered the happy hour question. I said, now this is a smart woman. She wants to come on the podcast. She answered the happy hour question that we have on the shows. So I talked about you. And I was like, and then we met her and we did have margaritas and tacos. And now we do podcasts like all the time. It's fun. But that's because it's, it's, um, attention to detail and getting to know people. You know, we first connected online and we connected through Chantal Jovan, your friend. And that to me, that's the way it's, it's about caring and its attention to detail. You know, and I think that's what makes you a good doula and a good person on trust. You know, you build trust. You're the trust architect still, you know, and if someone's going to talk, have you be there? Death doula. Trust is a big one, you know. And I've experienced my own loss with a relationship with my daughter. And, you know, not going to say that because it's, it's very, I respect her privacy. Yeah. But on this very deep level, you have to let go of whatever you did or didn't do. And then there's that realization. So my, my friend always does this. What if you were hit by a bus, which I kind of hate because I hate bringing that image into it, but ever Margarita first. Yeah, you have to let go. Not anything now. It's not like you can say, well, I'm going to hold on to the resentment. And then if I find out I'm dying, then I'll work it all out. Well, it doesn't work like that. You start now. If you're, if you're still on this planet and you've got two feet on, you don't have two feet on the ground. If you're still on this planet, start letting go start recognizing. What are the things that you're holding on to that don't serve you? What are the things that you're holding on to that build resentment? And you know what? If no one else, and you're still holding on to that, the only person that's being hurt in the moment is you. And they've shown that a lot of those resentments and all of those pains and everything have a effect on your health. So I used to see someone would say, there's such a pain in the neck. And then pretty soon they'd be going to a chiropractor. Or people who can't stomach someone. And up having intestinal problems. There is a body mind spirit connection. Yes, let go means that maybe you'll live a little bit longer and you won't have to let go to the holds you have on earth for a while. You know, it's interesting. We just did an interview with Shelly Wissen is a transformational life coach. And she just did a whole thing on forgiveness and talking about the power of forgiveness and actually the people we have to forgive ourselves first. Yeah, you know, that's that's who. And the resentment just I mean, everyone makes a mistake. And that's one thing we have to learn is that we all screw up. And you have to allow yourself to get back up and go, Okay, I screwed up. What am I going to do to rectified? Or is it too late to rectify then move on because otherwise you have no growth. And you have no happiness. And I think we're supposed to be here to be happy, don't you think? Yeah, I do. And I think that the whole thing is being able to look at yourself in the mirror. And there's, I just did a course that was really good. And I don't know if you know who Gabor Mate is. He is. Oh, they're him and his son. Yeah, Daniel Mate, Daniel and Gabor Mate. And so they did a whole thing on forgiving your adult like, sorry, healing the adult relationship with the adult child and the parent. And so much of it was around letting go and have you have these false perceptions. So I may think of you a certain way. And who knows whether or not it's completely true. It's my perception. And so you get to a whole point where you let go of that too. And I in order to be able to die peaceful. And I don't know what happens afterwards, but to have that that beautiful energy in the room, you have to be grateful, forgive and let go. Yeah, because perception is reality. It's your reality doesn't always mean that someone else's reality. Exactly. Yeah, because we all like, we'll watch something and have two different opinions and it'll be the same thing. Right. It's the same thing as, you know, relaying a phone conversation. Everybody starts getting it wrong. Right. You know, the phone tree thing gets wonky because everyone has to add a little spice here and a little that to that. You know, and suddenly you have this wild tail going on. I mean, that's in family drama. So that's the thing I think when people are passing. Oh my gosh, the family dramas, the family riffs. I mean, it and just because someone's passed over doesn't mean that they're suddenly nice either. If they've been really horrible to people too. Sometimes you have to let go of that and not keep going. I mean, if they've gone, they've gone now. Stop it. Let them go quit resenting them. They can't you can't do anything about it. Yeah, you've got to let them go and they've going to let you go. Unhand yourself. Yeah. But I really find that with with relationships. But also, I know people who don't let go to pass. I've heard of those stories where people are just waiting for someone to, you know, show up, you know, those kind of and then as soon as someone has arrived or left, they pass. Some people don't want to pass away in front of people. Yeah. And how many times have you heard that the child or the adult parent, it doesn't matter who giving permission for the person to die and telling them that it's okay to let go that everything is going to be okay. Because a lot of times, you know, and I've seen that where I've heard a friend of mine who's a doula, where the adult child said to the doula, don't tell mom she's dying, that will upset her too much. Just let her believe that, you know, she's maybe just got a cold or whatever. And then the mother has said to the doula, I'm dying, but don't tell my daughter because she has such a hard time accepting it. They both knew, but they felt that the other person didn't and they thought they were protecting each other. So it's that again, that perception, you know, well, I can handle it, but you know, my poor mom. That's protective. It's protective. But at the same time, it would have been better to be honest and then face it and be able to have those conversations. Like it's so precious. Like if you've only got, we don't know how long we've got. And isn't it better to be able to go places and not have whatever is hanging over your hand? I interviewed a lady yesterday. Her, both her sons are challenged. One has a very rare form of cerebral palsy. And basically, they said, Oh, you got one to two years when he was a baby. And he's far surpassed that. So you can't. And they had to, she said the biggest lesson and her other son is autistic. And the biggest lesson she had to learn is to live in the present moment, no matter what you have to, you can't, you can't stress about the future. You have to live in the present moment. You can think about it maybe the next day, but not all the way to everything and hope and expect and all of that you have to be incredibly real, which can be very dark. But and as a family unit, I mean, you have to imagine how they have to work together on things. It's that's traumatic. You know, it's in support groups help. When when people do have an illness, maybe it is cancer or heart disease or something like that. Do support groups help when they know that this is terminal? Do you think? Oh, boy, that's a big question. And I would say it depends. I had a friend who was violently raped. This is years and years ago. And she went to a support group and she came back from it and said when she got in there and she was listening to people, there was one woman who was going on about what had happened. And she thought, Oh, wow, this just happened recently. And she said, wow, like, when did this happen? And it was something like seven years before. And my friends, Sally came home and said, I'm not going there. What it's doing is they're just holding on to their pain and reliving and reliving it. They're not going there to deal with it. They're going there to relive it. So everyone can say, Oh, my God, that's so awful. So for her, it definitely wasn't helpful. Yeah, because that can be PTSD. That's an emotional trigger that, you know, you don't want to live through that over and over and over again. And that's that's everyone's different. Sometimes some people just have to, it's like, you know, when someone has broken up from a relationship and they don't stop and I'm like, Oh, get over it already. Come on. Stop whining. Go out and have a party or something. But you know, they keep on and on and on. And it's same thing as when someone's passed. There's a grief. You have to have your grief period at some point. But at some point, you do have to stand up. You know, when when someone has broken up, you know, you do have to not relive it over and over the arguments or whatever. If there's a breakup, that's nasty. I mean, I get it having your conversations with your friends. But like what you're saying, if it's something brutal, to go over it and over it and over it to the point where it's consuming your life, that's not cool. It's it. I know AA works, right? AA really helps people. But at the same time, there's a side of me that thinks maybe we'll make you want to have a drink again, because you're all talking about like the shenanigans you got onto. You know what I mean? And the bad stuff too. But but I think it is. I think you're right. It really is about each person and what they went through, you know, and grief is kind of, it's different from a lot of the things like I'm not telling people to get over just get over it when someone passes. I'm not, that's not what I was saying. What what I found and I was talking to a friend of mine, whose husband died five years ago and they had a great marriage. And she still grieves and she will grieve forever. The difference is, and I think what we're talking about is that she is now she now is able to function effectively. She will never get over missing him. She will never get over feeling the grief when she thinks that he's not by her side, but she is healthy and functioning. And she doesn't need to talk about it incessantly. And I think that there's I think that there is kind of this whole level of of getting over it. When when I say get over, you know, letting go, you're sounding like me does get overdone. I'm kidding people. I am kidding. You can't just get over things like that. No, yeah, when when I say letting go, it means accepting what is. I can tell you that I've let go of this false expectation of having my daughter run up to me and say, Oh, I'm so sorry. You were the best mom ever. I let go of that. But it doesn't mean that I've let go of some of the grief of the of the separation. So there's there's two different types of letting go. And so at the end of life, you're letting go of the pain, but not the memory, you're letting go of the resentment, but not the learning and the knowledge that you have. Like, I think that you can let go of some of the pain, because holding on to it just brings more pain. Yeah, it doesn't help anything. And the reality is everything negative and everything positive does have a lesson attached to it. So you're going to learn at some point. And maybe it is when you are at the end. When we're in South Africa, Nancy was doing her tour for the Cancer Association with our art. And we did a lot of public speaking, a lot of press things. And and I had to learn as a 13 year old how to do press releases and things that, you know, we were on the road full time. And we worked with a lot of volunteers in the Cancer Association and then went to hospitals. I remember going to children's hospitals, you know, because I was a kid and learning about that. And and it taught me a lot about how to handle it, how to have humor, and to also treat these patients like human beings without going, Oh my gosh, don't you know, the to get past that awkwardness of handling that because a lot of times when you have a friend who's got cancer or a relative or a colleague, and maybe they're starting to lose their hair. Now we have a lot of things that can help with that. But at that time, it was really hard to meet a bunch of kids with no hair. And I had to learn how to do it without making them feel uncomfortable. But also still acknowledging that they're and humor to me is everything. Right. So and to just treat someone like a human being, you know, it's they are they are not cancer. They are, you know, Sally or Fred, you know, that's who they are, not cancer. So I had to learn that kind of thing. And so there's a letting go in getting these are terminal kids. There's a letting go for that moment while you're there with them. Because why are you visiting to go, Oh, poor you, they don't want that. They want care and compassion. But what they really want to do is feel like a kid again, you know, away from the needles and the IVs and all of that stuff, and just have someone visit and maybe read or play a game. And so they can let go of the cancer in between the cancer times. Do you know what I mean? Even though cancer is always there. So there's a letting go of that. So it was very a lot of education with this. But anyway, we went to a town in Ladysmith, South Africa, Ladysmith, Mombazo, the band, right? So we actually lived out there later. And there was this older man, RT, and I'm going to say his last name because God forbid, you know, somebody from there will know who we're talking about. And he was quite a mean SOB, like he was a hardcore women in the kitchen. He was very it was a farm life. And just he was not the nicest person. However, he got throat cancer and he couldn't yell at people anymore. Go back to what you were saying, right? And so we all have dinner and he had a hole in his throat and food would fly out literally because he wouldn't cut it. It wasn't it. What you learned, you learned to not sit across from him. But he said, he said cancer taught him to be nicer. He realized how much he yelled at people, how horrible he was treating people. And he says, you're lucky you met me now and we're going, I don't know, because you're so mean. But he was learning. And he realized it was just it was a big lesson for him in humanity and humility. And it he was changing. And you know, we were on the road and he's like, here comes day for a while so you guys can relax. Nancy needed to catch up on her paintings. And we stayed on the farm for a while and played with the donkey Mr. Magoo and helped put together barn dances to raise money for the Cancer Association. So it was a good, a good thing, but to watch someone grow from that. And he was a tough dude. He he lasted a long time, I think, in his late 80s, early 90s with the serious. Yeah, hold on yet the well, yeah, in South Africa has a really good medical. They always go. Yeah, I can see that they actually close up the trachea thing. Yeah, normally they, yeah, it was, I mean, this is in the 80s, right? So late 80s, I think. And so, you know, we didn't have what we have now. Right. You know, I think when he met with people, he had put like a little crochet thing over it. And then he had a little thing that he would talk into. And then I played with a musician that had the same thing. And he was also he was he was an incredible singer back in his day. He was with Ken Heat and the Flying Burrito Brothers. And so I was singing and he was a heck of a guitarist, but mostly a really good singer. And he went through that. And he also wasn't the nicest of people and kind of had to learn, but then he ended up on drugs and then he's dead now. But he but had to go through that. But what he anyway, just generations of change in the medical industry over the years. I think that everything that happens to you. I think that I'm a kinder person because of the things that I've gone through. I am aware of things. So you have a chance you can either grow and learn or you can go the other way and just continue being, you know, like blame everybody else. If someone, if someone has a criticism, criticism towards you, say that it's all their fault and then never progress and never move on. And I think that letting go, if someone has told you something and you don't want to hear it, then you have to listen even harder. There's some there's there's a bit of always a grain of truth. Yeah, there's always a grain of truth. Right. There's always a grain of truth. I think right now, this is a good conversation as our country is so divided. I don't want to talk politics at all, but because I don't want to create another rift even further that we have in this country and families. This is not a this is a time to let go of political. I mean, we're talking about a, you know, a bunch of people we don't personally know unless you really know the presidents and the other president and whatever, you know, at this point, I think letting go is a good thing just in general. So I just want to put that comment there that maybe letting go over who's going to win the argument over politics is ridiculous. And families shouldn't divide over that. They should try and find the unity again. And if you if you know, you have family right now that are terminal or not doing well, perhaps don't put their blood pressure up. Yes, and don't find out. Honestly, I you know that I take improv. So I go to improv classes all the time. And so one of the things one of the rules of improv is that there's no isms. There's no prejudice. There's no sexism. There's no ageism. And there's no politicalism. So it just means that, you know, all of those things are left out. I don't if I'm doing a scene with someone, I'm I'm approaching them as if this is the first time there is no background and we're just having fun on stage. And it would be such a great thing to take into life. That you let go of all of these preconceived notions of someone and these perceptions, because most often, whatever your perception is, there's always a little bit more that you should know. I agree. So, you know, like, I can't like right now, there's someone and I'm not going to get into the politics, but they've got a great big sign. We and I'm going to, but they've got a great big sign facing outwards with twinkly lights all around it, promoting a particular political candidate. And it just I find it so divisive. So yeah, go of that, let people make their own decision, quit trying to influence, just let it go. I that's a good point. Really, you don't you know what, can we throw out the word influencer too? I'm tired of it. And while we're at that, just let it go and really let go of those things. Because, you know, you get, we all have things that make us tick, right? You know, and people who know, you know how to poke you right where you know that you get poked because you allow it, right? It's our thing. And so if someone's poking at you and you react, it's your fault, period. And so it's important to let go of whatever that hot button is, whatever the trigger word is, or whatever it is, you have to let it go. You have to, you know, otherwise, they've got their controlling you. Yeah. And if you want to really see if you've evolved, spend a week with your family and see if you can just keep all of that resolved that, you know, I'm such a good person and kind person and always stay calm, spend a week with your family and truly test it and see if when they say things to you, if you can just go, yeah, that's interesting because I can remember having been with my family and they'd say, do you remember when and they would pull up something that they knew intentionally irritated me? And most of the time, I could just feel myself, I'm gonna and they're watching you to see if you're going to do it and then they'll put it on double thick. Right? See, but this is why when you get together with friends and family, here's the thing. Okay, or if it's really the family thing, we all know this, right? Or someone comes to the party and you know, you don't like it. I learned this from an attorney on our shows. He said, when you go to the in-laws house and you know, you can't stand them, right? You know that there's someone there just drives you nuts. Be the person to go to the store. Oh, we're out of eyes. Let me go to the store. Oh, I know I've been there. I'll go again. That's fine. So he always says have an escape plan and be the be the hero of the party. Oh, no, you don't get up. I'll go to the store. Oh, I know I just went twice, but I can go a third time. Oh, you need you. Oh, I don't mind. I don't mind going chopping firewood outside for the fire. Don't worry about it. And then there's things called snacks and drinks. Stuff your face. If they got an offer to take it for a walk. Exactly. And if there's like here, if someone start, if they have marshmallows, eat the marshmallows. Keep your mouth shut. Just do it and make it a game. Just make it a game with yourself to get through it because then it does lighten it up. But yeah, I got to let things go. And everything we're saying just sounds so easy, but it's really not. So if you try and make it a game, it is. You know, yeah, how many how many times can I? Yeah, drink and I get out of this. Yeah. Yeah, drink every time they start to push a button. Oh, my gosh, you better have a noober. Yeah. So no, it is I think letting go is a good thing just in life. And that's what I love about these shows about, you know, the Soul Journey Dula is about living life now, not waiting till the end to be perfect. And so I didn't know it was going to go so like backwards that way, right? Our talks always do though, Lisa. It's one of the things that I enjoy. We said, you know, like we talk about where we think the talk is going to go. And then we often take an off ramp. People will notice you and I get into these really interesting conversations and take an off ramp. But we always get back on. Yeah. Yeah. But I like this because it does make you think about your life today, not waiting. Yeah, you know, the waiting game sucks. You know, that's in it. Yeah. So I think it's good. That's good stuff, but always funnily. And go eat some marshmallows. Yeah, I'm going to go see my family in August. So like maybe I should just pack a whole big bag of marshmallows on the plane. Yes. I'm in my mouth even before I get there. And if there's kids there, get involved with them and make faces with the marshmallows. Oh, that would be good. Yeah. Yeah. It is. Yeah. Stuff on my cheeks. Yeah. Exactly. You're Chip Monk. Why not? Okay. So make like Chip Monk and stuff your face. Okay. Thanks. See everyone. Keep up with Lee at SoulJourneyDula.com. And thank you all for listening to our conversations about the end of life. Thank you for listening to Big Blend Radio Soul Journey Dula show featuring Lee Brovadani. You can keep up with Lee at SoulJourneyDula.com. Follow our Big Blend radio podcast at bigblendradio.com.