Northside Church - Sydney
Staying Cool When the Heat is On!
You're listening to another great message from Northside Community Church. Title tonight is staying cool when the heat is on, because conflict is something that affects all of us, and you know, the Bible has a lot to say about conflict. That's a scene that runs right through the Bible from beginning to end. Conflict between individuals, conflict between families, and conflict even between nations. And so that's our theme tonight, and in one of the best known incidents of conflict in the whole of the New Testament, it involves the great apostle Paul. We read these verses. I'm going to read from Acts chapter 15. Please concentrate. We haven't got these on the screen, but just let these words burn into your subconscious as you get a sense of what this incident would have been like for the great apostle Paul. One time later, Paul said to Barnabas, that was his colleague in ministry, let us go back and visit the believers in every town where we preach the word of the Lord. Let us find out how they're getting along. Barnabas wanted to take John Mark with them, but Paul did not think it was right to take him with them, because he'd not stayed to the end of their mission. This was on a previous trip, but he turned back and left them in Pamphilia. It was a sharp argument, and they separated. Get that. Okay, here's Paul Barnabas, two of the greats of the early church. They separated. Barnabas took Mark and sailed off to Cyprus, while Paul chose Silas and left, commended by the believers to the care of the Lord's grace. He went through Syria and Solicia, strengthening the churches and so on. So there's the verse, verse 39, look at that. It was a sharp argument, and Paul and Barnabas separated. The argument, of course, was over this guy John Mark, and he'd been part of the early admission trip, but for some reason, got called back home and hadn't completed the journey. Whilst Barnabas was very forgiving, this really got up the nose of Paul and said, "No, we're not going to take that guy." He's not a star, can't afford to take him and have him leave halfway through. So there's the backdrop to the message tonight. So let's join again in prayer and really seek God's guidance, shall we? Father God, we've acknowledged tonight by the show of hands that we're all involving conflict in some way or another, that this is something that affects all of us. Lord, we pray that we will tap in tonight to the power of the Holy Spirit to choose the right words to say when we are confronted with a conflict situation. May we, as people who believe in you, who are seeking to walk in your ways, may we choose words that won't inflame the situation, but rather choose words that will assist to bring about a reconciliation. So guide us to that end in this very practical message tonight, things that will help us in our day-by-day experience we pray through Jesus Christ, our Lord, our men. Tonight in this measure, we're going to give you five things to say, five things to say in a conflict situation. Let me take you back to something that happened to me many years ago in Adelaide, one of the great privileges of ministry is being able to minister to families in their time of grief and loss. It's an awesome privilege, but it's also a bit scary and a bit daunting, particularly when you don't know the people, most of my funerals over the years have been with families who I'm meeting for the first time. I recall one in Adelaide where I was called to the situation and as I walked into the room, I just feel a little bit tension. There were about ten people, a daughter, a son, cousins, kids, grandchildren, it was all there. Another lady had died. And of course, part of my role is to try to get some things to say for the tribute. And I said, "What would you like to say?" I said to the lady who was hosting me in her home, the daughter, I said, "What sort of things would you like to say about mum?" And she said, "Well, that's not easy to answer that question, I never is, that's okay." And so I started going around the rest of the room, nobody else wanted to say a word. And I finally came back to this daughter, I said, "Well, we'll need a couple of comments beyond she never said a bad word about anybody, that's standard, that's always in there." Beyond that, and the lady, that's always the starting point, he never said a bad word about anybody like that. That's a given. That's a given. Now, I said, "You know, is there anything we can really say about mum, her background, her experiences?" She said, "Listen, Reverend, can I say something?" I said, "Oh, please, that's what I want you to do." She said, "Listen, there's a lot of tension in this family, and you're going to find it the funeral on Wednesday, there's going to be a lot of tension at that funeral." And that's what you want in a funeral, isn't it? Tension. And I said, "Oh, that's interesting." She said, "We're a divided family." She said, "You'll find that with little cousins there on Thursday, he'll be held back by family members from having contact with other little cousins on the other side of the room. And the cousins won't even know what it's about, but this has been going on for a long time." I said, "Oh gosh, I'm so sad." And then she said, "Most of the problems in this family can be attributed to the lady who'll be in that box." Okay, so anything else we want to say about mum, I've got to tell you, that was a very short conflict, sorry, a tribute rather, a very short tribute. Now guys, I'm aware that sermons on conflict can arouse guilt within the listeners, particularly if it's a Christian group like this. The thinking is good Christians should never get angry, that's something we should never do. But none of that, I want to say right at the outset conflict is inevitable. It really is. It's inevitable in relationships and it's not necessarily a bad thing. I mean conflict can be a catalyst that actually strengthens a relationship as we get to discover what the other party is passionate about. Conflict within teams and groups can serve to sort of maximize understanding and cooperation and move you forward to the next chapter, once you're going to store out that issue. So conflict is not a bad thing. In any situation involving people, many factors affect the likelihood of conflict. I mean there are many things we can do to minimize conflict and to create harmonious relationships. For example, those of you who are married, in a marriage, lots of affirmation, expressions of support, gestures of practical help and opportunities for open communication. My favorite, spontaneous acts of affection, these sort of things, if they're all built into your marriage, that can minimize the chances of conflict, stack of other things you can do, which can reduce the likelihood, same in a working environment or organizationly. You can minimize conflict with by ensuring there's clarity around the goals and objectives of the organization, incentives and rewards, clear communication. When these things are there, the chances of harmony are greatly strengthened. When they're not, the chances of conflict rise quite significantly. Now when conflict does arise, what we say is of crucial importance because those words can either fan the flames or they can help to douse the flame. So tonight, we're not so much talking about what to do to minimize conflict. We're going straight to the scenario where conflict is already a reality. So now we're moving into what do you say when conflict is already there, how can you say things that will ease the strain, rather than inflame it, because our choice of words is crucial, when conflict reaches the point where it has to be dealt with. Guys, the words being featured tonight are designed to move us from pure emotion to resolution. There's a lot of emotion in conflict, a lot of heat is generated by situations of conflict and that's where the damage is done, am I right? That's where the damage is done, that's where the words are said that can never be taken back, that's where actions may be taken that leave lifelong scars, I deal with this kind of thing in my pastoral work all the time. We can remember things that were said, things that were done in their family among their friends way, way back, how it affects them, long term. That's why it's important for Christians under the guidance of the Holy Spirit to choose these words that are going to help the situation rather than those that are going to cause more damage. It's important to have appropriate words, I'm not being presumptuous enough to suggest that these are the only words, they're just a selection, there are many more we can use, but these have certainly worked for me. The first thing we can say in a conflict situation is this, we need to talk, we need to talk, not may we talk, not can we talk, it has to be more assertive than that if we want to break the impasse, we need to talk. In any conflict situation, the effective permanent resolution is only found, only discovered when people start to talk about what's going on within them. This message about the need to talk can come in indirect ways, not necessarily these words, but that's the spirit of what's being said. I share with the morning congregation something that happened to me in the very early days of our marriage. My wife, Bev and I, we had a little girl called Tamara, she was just a little baby when we went to Adelaide for our first ministry, and you've got to understand, my background, my scripting as a dad was based on, I guess, a fairly chauvinistic model, the guys were out to work and the lady stayed home and looked after the baby, so I thought, well, my wife will understand that I can't be getting up to the baby at night because, I mean, I've got to face the whole day's work, I've been involved in a very challenging ministry, a straight out of college, still understand, well, graciously Bev, my wife did understand for quite a while. But then one night, one fateful, memorable night, which I will never forget, this is the defining moment in our marriage, a little Tamara started crying, she often did at night, you know, and started to really cry, and I'm thinking, darling, you're living a little bit late tonight to get up, you know, I look, look, I was learning, you know, in the early days, don't be too harsh, I mean, I was in an era, I was in an era where I was one of the first dads in my friend, I mean, my friends to actually go in for the birth, that was considered still in the early 70s to be a sort of, whoa, you know, that's pretty heavy duty going into the birth, whoa. So you know, it was early days of a more liberal approach to these things, and my wife stood bolder, or sat bolder up in bed, and she said, just very quietly but very assertively, I'm not going to take this anymore, so, take what darling, you know, just trying to stall a little bit, she said, this, you know, like me getting up every night, it's just not fair, I've got a life to live as well, you know, it's draining on me, I'm getting fatigued, I'm just not handling this too, well I'm not going to take this anymore. Now, let me tell you, if you're starting out in marriage, or you're contemplating one day getting marriage, success in marriage is largely dependent on your response to what I call the defining moments of marriage, now, now that was a defining moment, you know what I mean? Because if I'd taken a wrong turn at that point, I might not be here tonight celebrating my wonderful marriage to bed, but that was a defining moment, and after that we became an equal opportunity home, yeah, and I chose barfing because, you know, I don't like surprises, so, and I also took my turn at getting up at night, which was very hard for me because those of you who know me, I sleep so deeply, and it's really hard for me to get up, but I need to do it, and well there it was, so bed was saying we need to talk, and we need to resolve this, here's the second thing, it's important we resolve this matter, don't you agree? Now, those last three words are very important because they turn the words from a statement into a question, it's important we resolve this, don't you agree? For the sake of the kids, for the stability of our marriage, for the viability of the organization, if it's in a work situation, you know, for the survival of our friendship, it's important we resolve this, don't you agree? Sometimes we're going to take that sort of assertive step to break the impasse in a conflict situation, Proverbs 15 1 says a gentle answer quiets anger, but a harsh one stirs it up, and I think if expressed in a calm and sensitive way, that statement, I think, qualifies as a gentle one, as does number three, and it's this, I'm trying to understand where you're coming from, I'm trying to understand where you're coming from, for this expression of empathy to not only be felt, but also stated, that's of great importance, it's one thing to feel it, but it's another thing that actually stated, and gets some conversation happening, it can be music to the ears, that statement, to the person whose aggression is being fueled by feelings of frustration over their perception that nobody's listening, that everybody's refusing to take their viewpoint seriously, it can be goal to that sort of person. To be able to express number three, we must first have the maturity, the emotional intelligence to ask questions like, why is this person behaving this way? What's prompting this behavior, what's causing them to react so strongly? In my own case, I'm inclined to think that this question probably has helped to unlock many conflict situations in which I've been involved as a pastor, let me take you back again to the very first year of my ministry out of college, and if you think I'm reasonably enthusiastic now, you should have seen me in my 20s, I was going to change the world in one year flat maximum, that was the sort of the objective that I'd give myself, kind of, and so I ran into something called Eldership Conflict, I was in a church, which had a very long tradition, and the elders who sat around the table had been around for a long time, and they'd seen a lot of young guys out of college come and go, and there was one particular elder, and we'll call him Dave, it wasn't his real name, but his real name really distinguishes him, and might trace him back to, he might be one of your relatives, so let's call him Dave, and Dave would just, we would just clash all the time, and I mean, it wasn't crazy stuff, I wanted to sort of soup up the services a little bit, get a little bit of contemporary music happening instead of just the organ, things like that, which these days are just nine issues, but those of us in the 70s, we pioneered all this sort of stuff, it wasn't all that radical, it wanted us to be a bit more relevant in the community, and we would be butting heads all the time, to the point where even the other elders would say, "Look Dave, come on, mate, it's the reasonable idea, what's the problem?" He'd say, "Nope, no way in the world." Well, I decided, I just had to go and speak to this guy over coffee, and so I did, I went into the city, just to try to answer this question, I'm trying to understand where you're coming from, and I made an incredible discovery. This man worked for a government department, where he was in his late 50s at that time, he'd been sidelined consistently over a period of many years, and had been given the title of training officer, okay, and so he was the one who sort of took people through, you know, how to turn on an overhead projector, how to set up a whiteboard, it was very, very, this was regarding his 50s, you know, and he'd been this organization many years, always getting bypassed for a promotion by young men and women out of university, out of college, and it was driving him mad, there was a lot of pent up anger. In the work situation, he could do nothing about these young graduates out of college, but in that church situation where he was an elder, wow, he really had some clout, and the psychology was so deep, he didn't even understand what was happening, you know. And so over a period of weeks and months, we talked through all this, and we even got a little bit of help at one point, and my relationship with David changed dramatically, because we were able to ease his sense of frustration in work, and heighten his sense of value in the church, and so on, but you know, there's always, there's nearly always a reason why people are reacting so strongly, and of course our entry into the world of emotional intelligence comes when we have the insight and the courage, and it takes courage to ask, why am I reacting this way? What's causing this strong response in me? What's in my background that where this issue that we're dealing with presses are really hot button with me, I think this may be the kind of thing Jesus had in mind when he said in Matthew chapter 7, verse 3, he says, "Why then do you look at the speck in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the big log in your own eye?" Jesus, and this is stand up material in those days, doesn't grab us all that much, but you're not roaring around the floor, but in Jesus' day, that would have been considered like sort of humor, you know, trying to, you know, what are you always worried about, what are the other people? Look at the problems you've got yourself, why are you reacting this way? What's your, what are your issues, you know? Well, here's the fourth thing we can say, I feel, now those of you who've done any counseling or psychological training, you know that this is the foundation point for, you know, for the, this is the basic building block when it comes to health and harmony within relationships. The acknowledgement and the ownership of our own feelings, the refusal to launch into an accusatory mode and dump all the responsibility under the other party, you know, this is all your fault, you're the problem here, again this involves maturity, I feel requires presence of mind, it requires control of emotions to be able to speak in this way. It has the advantage of minimizing the chances of, of a harsh and defensive reaction from the other party, it also allows for the fact that we may have misunderstood where they're coming from. That's, that's the big advantage in this, I feel, gives the person a say, oh look, I can see how you feel, but look, no, it's, and, and there you go, you know, again, it's amazing the illustrations you, you can give about family life when your wife doesn't attend an evening service, but you can check with her, she'd agree with this, like Bev and I, Bev and I are very different, right, you know, I'm, I'm reasonably outgoing, Bev is a very quiet and, you know, behind the scenes kind of person and that's what makes our, another fact that makes our marriage I think works so well because we're not sort of like competing with each other at that emotional level, we just compliment each other. So something that's gone down with us a few times where, where, where Bev might have said to me on occasion something like this, you know, here's a choice, right, she can say, this actually generally says it, you know, I feel like you abandoned me tonight, you know, like you dump me in front of all those people that you know well and yet I didn't know them and you know I find that really challenging because you know, I don't know how to entertain these people as your friends, I mean I just need to be easy, you did it tonight and I really felt as though you kind of abandoned me, what was going on there, you know, now I can respond to that and have had to have had to over the years quite a few times, that's a far cry from what were you thinking, you dumped me in there with all your friends, you ran off and you had a great time, I didn't know what to say to them, you know, from Adam, what was going on there, you know, sometimes I feel like you just don't get me, do you? And then there's your mother and I remember we were over at her place the other day and kind of snowballed, you see, that sort of, it sort of, it sort of compounds, you see, now Bev, fortunately, she generally takes the first option and that's, you can respond to that, I mean, that's liable to get one, that second one's liable to get one reaction and one reaction only, you know, what do you mean I don't, that's not, you crazy, like in that sort of, you know, we have to defend ourselves and it gets escalated. Actually the sequel, all this is, I'll often say something like, darling, I didn't mean to abandon you, you're growing in confidence all the time. And I just thought this was a golden opportunity to just let you, kind of just stretch those wings a little bit and, what's wrong with that, what, that's, that's gold, gold. Yeah, I've got to handle that one very careful, I've got to admit that, yeah. Now look guys, like all these suggestions, it's not necessarily going to be effective every time. But in my experience, it's a long way ahead of that easy option of blame and accusation. You did this, you did that, it's your fault, that gets one reaction and one reaction only. So what's the fifth thing I'm suggesting we can say to minimize conflict? And this one could be the hardest of all, it really can be. But it's also the most effective and here it is, either I'm sorry or I forgive you. One of these statements will frequently be the one that facilitates the ultimate resolution to the conflict. In Jesus' story of the prodigal son, can you imagine, can you imagine the hurt and the pain that that father would have experienced, you know? His son comes to him, Dad, sorry, I know you're going to die one day, but look, I can't wait around for that. Can I have all my share right now? And he heads off to the far country, blows the whole light. And like there'd be a lot of pain in that father's heart. I mean, I'm talking from a dad's point of view, your son just throws your love and your affection in your face and rules off and does his own thing. That's painful for any dad. Where's the turning point come? Where does the turning point for reconciliation come? It's when the son, in the depths of the spear, in a faraway place, down on his leg, no money, no, just living with pigs. And he says, I'll go to my father and I'll say, Father, I've sinned. I'm sorry for what I've done. And that was the beginning of that beautiful reconciliation. And on the theme of I forgive you, tucked away in the second letter to Timothy, in chapter, second Timothy, let's have a look here. This is the one that indicates that there was a resolution to this sharp argument that we referred to earlier. It's chapter 4 verses 9 to 11. Look at this, his Paul, he says to Timothy, listen to this, do your best to come to me soon. Demas fell in love with this present world and has deserted me. Must have been rough traveling with Paul because like all these guys are deserting him. And he says, he went to Thessalonica, Kreskins went to Galatia, another deserter, tied us to Dalmatia, another guy who couldn't take it. Only Luke is with me, get Mark, get Mark and bring him with you because he can help me in the work. See, after the X reference, deep over into Paul's ministry, many years later, get Mark. I've forgiven him for that original desertion. We can work together. We must work together. Get Mark and bring him to me. Isn't that beautiful? Somewhere along the line, Paul had said those three words which represent one of the most Christ-like things we can do. I forgive you. It means swallowing pride. It means rejecting revenge. It means letting go of the hurts and grievances that would otherwise just pull us right down. It can mean resolving a conflict that has caused us pain and suffering over many years. I know people sit on conflicts for years. I could be speaking to somebody tonight. And the source of your pain in life can be traced back to a conflict within your family or among your friends or with an ex-wife or husband and it's killing you. You know, that's not how life is meant to be lived. This is serious stuff. We've got to keep short accounts. Is it wrong for Christians to be involved in conflict? Not according to my Bible. No way. There's a familiar verse in Ephesians 4, 26, and I've put it up tonight in the message form. Look at this. I think this crystallizes the whole thing. "Go ahead and be angry," says Paul. "You do well to be angry, but don't use your anger as fuel for revenge and don't stay angry. Don't go to bed angry." Now, there's short accounts for you. He's saying clear it up on the one day. That's the ideal. Don't let it simmer for days or weeks or certainly not for a lifetime. Don't give the devil that kind of foothold in your life. Now, guys, we've been talking tonight about conflict resolution. In biblical terms, we're talking about reconciliation. And over in Corinthians, there's a very, very powerful passage, which is now into numbers of you. I know. It's in the fifth chapter, verse 17, and following. Paul says, "Anyone who was joined to Christ is a new being. The old is gone. The new has come." All this is done by God who, through Christ, changed us, watch this, from enemies into his friends. And has given us the task of making others his friends also. Our message is that God was making all human beings his friends through Christ. God did not keep an account of their sins, and he's given us the message which tells how he makes them his friends. This is the heart of the gospel. It's about reconciliation. It's about resolving the conflict that exists between a loving Holy God and his fallen creation. That's us. And that's the heart of the Bible message. We've got a problem. We've got a problem called the human condition, which needs to be fixed. We need to be reconciled to God, our maker, our creator, our heavenly Father. And so, some of these points are involved in our response to the gospel message. We need to talk. God, we need to talk. I need to start the conversation that moves me to reconciliation with you. It's important we resolve this. This is God saying to us, "It's important we resolve this. You're my child. I want you in my family. I want you reconciled to me. I forgive you." In our case, I'm sorry. That's repentance. In God's case, I forgive you. That's grace. So, guys, I don't know where you are with reconciliation and the need for conflict resolution, but maybe some of these points hopefully will help you. But the greater question is, have you been reconciled to God? Are you living in harmony with Him? Have you made your peace with Him? That's what we're all about tonight. The greatest invitation I can give to you is come and be reconciled. Come and make your peace with God through Jesus. That's why He died on the cross. It was God's way of saying, "I forgive you. Take this gift on board and all will be forgiven, and I'll move into your life and daily make a difference in enabling you to become the person you are meant to become." Conflict resolution. The ultimate conflict resolution is us putting our hands firmly into the hand of Jesus Christ and saying, "God, I'm coming home. I'm coming home. I'm sorry. I accept your forgiveness. I want to be reconciled with you."