Northside Church - Sydney
Five x 5 Week 4: Five Things to Say To Strengthen Your Marriage
You're listening to another great message from Northside Community Church. Well, I don't mind admitting, I was a little nervous as my car drove into the Caravan Park south of Adelaide, this happened many years ago, and I pulled up next to this big Harley Davidson, which was the pride and joy of the guy whose wedding ceremony I was about to conduct. This was my first bikey wedding, in fact, my only bikey wedding. I've done a few bikey funerals, that's another story, but a bikey wedding, and so I pulled up next to it. It was a little caravan, and there was the guy, and there's a bride and two friends from the bikey squad were there as the witnesses, and this was an interesting experience. The guy made it very clear, he didn't want to, you know, a lot of fuss, wanted to get on with it, you know, and just let this get over with. I'd met him a month before during the signing, all the preliminary signing, and he had kind of intimidated me by his demeanor and his size, so I was happy to go along with his request. In fact, I was happy to go along with the request that he had at that time, so we did the wedding, and you know, it went off without a hitch, well, apart from the fact they got hitched. One of his no problems went smoothly, and it was, you know, she shed a little tear, and I think even he got a bit emotional, and then the two witnesses sort of clapped at the right time, and that was my only bikey wedding, it was the smallest wedding I've ever done, just the absolute bare minimum, bridegroom, two witnesses, that's the bare minimum for a wedding, and that happened in a little caravan park somewhere down in McLaren Vale in South Australia. I've seen some weddings in ornate chapels around the different parts of Australia, had the opportunity to do weddings in some exotic locations overseas, and in some beautiful outdoor settings, and look, weddings are fantastic, I love doing weddings, it's one of the great joys of ministry, and look, no matter where the wedding takes place, either in a caravan park or a cathedral, there are some common elements in all weddings, like there's always a genuine desire to approach it in good faith. I've never had a couple who've said, "Oh, well, we've got heaps of doubts, we'll give it a shot," you know, I mean, that just, I mean, I'm no doubt that, I've had people tell me that that's how they were feeling afterwards, but nobody's ever made that sort of a parent. There's always a lot of emotion, somebody usually cries, I try to work at this so that that's not me, and do my preparation pretty solidly, certain words are spoken. The most important words, of course, being those two words I do, and that's pretty much the essential part of a marriage, but look, guys, after that, after I do, many more words are spoken in the daily interactions of marriage, and to a large degree, the words of the spoken will help to determine whether that marriage succeeds or fails. The words spoken in the daily experiences of marriage will either build up or they'll tear down. They'll either enrich the marriage or they will rob it of its beauty and its dignity, and we get to choose these words, and of course, if you're a Christian, if you're a follower of Jesus Christ, you've got the Holy Spirit as an added source of strength to make sure we choose the right words as often as possible. That's been the theme through this entire series. If you're walking with the Lord, there's a greater chance that you'll choose the right words at the right time to avoid further conflict and so on. So right at the outset, we need to make an important point here, I believe, at this. When we talk about strengthening a marriage, we're acknowledging there are potential points of vulnerability. I mean, when you talk about strengthening something, it's usually in response to the vulnerability that exists. You want to overcome those vulnerable points. In other words, there are areas where tension and conflict and ultimately, disunity can arise in a marriage, and if they're not addressed, they can escalate into something far more serious. It's my experience. Most big problems in marriage start off very small. Most big problems like unfaithfulness and all that, like they start off very, very small and they escalate into something much bigger. So for this address this morning, I've chosen several points of vulnerability and I'm speaking into those points. I'm offering words that can strengthen those points of vulnerability and here's the first one. I appreciate you so much because, and then give a list of the things that you appreciate about your partner. Feelings of not being appreciated can play a huge part in gradually eroding the foundation of a marriage. Often it's not deliberate, it's just where you drift into complacency and familiarity, but that's little comfort to the person who feels a lack of appreciation. Of course, if one partner's love language is words of affirmation and that's not the love language of the other partner, this partner will wonder why that's so important. But it's a question of identifying the love language of the partner and if it is words of affirmation, then those words need to be spoken, we've just got to try it. The affirmations need not be lavish and over the top, that can be problematic in itself. I mean, simple, something as simple as, I really enjoyed that meal tonight, you're a fantastic cook, you know that? The way you keep the place, we're proud of it, we can tell our friends are and it's just great. We really appreciate what you do in that regard. That dinner party the other night, your preparation and the way you conducted yourself a mood among the guests, clearly with a major factor in everybody having such a great time. Now for all you moderns out there, you notice I'm not distinguished which gender is doing any of this, okay, it could be male, female, let's not have any sexism here, just because I mentioned the yard and the house, doesn't mean to say it, you would be on that, I'm sure. But you know, to a greater or lesser extent, we all need to hear how much we're appreciated. Even those who say, "Oh no, I don't worry about that," well, most people do and it needs to be regular, consistent and timely. Don't allow too long to elapse before you give the affirmation like, "Oh look, I meant to say, last month, that dinner party, you did a great job, beautiful." If you've forgotten and it's that long, best leave it till the next dinner party and make a strong note, must give a word of affirmation. Now, first Thessalonians, first Thessalonians is easy to say in the second service in the first service. First Thessalonians chapter 5, verse 11, it's tucked away here, but look at this, Paul says, "Encourage one another and help one another," he's talking to the whole church, but you know, we're in marriage, what a great gem to take out of the word, encourage one another and help one another. Here's the second thing you can say to help strengthen a marriage, "I need you, you need me." We're in this together. Now friends, sometimes in a marriage, I'm sure you'll agree, it's possible for one partner to start to feel as though they're carrying the relationship almost single handedly. You know, they're the ones who take the initiative to do recreational things or to arrange the holidays, or they're the ones who handle the bulk of the chores. They may even feel they're the ones responsible solely for the spiritual health of the family. They're the ones who initiate any prayer that happens. They're the ones who keep the links with the church. Now, I know in the case of marriages where one partner is not a Christian, this is particularly relevant and pertinent, and we have numbers in our church in that situation, and my heart goes out to you in terms of this maintenance of the spiritual input into the kids and so on. It's a tough one. And we need to encourage you as much as we possibly can. But this can be wearing if you think you're kind of holding the whole thing together, right? I think perhaps more than any other area, this is the one where that magical fall that a word really comes into its own, and that word is work, W-O-R-K. We're just going to work in this area as couples, we need to work in ensuring there's a fairer and more even distribution of the roles and responsibilities, and try to guard against one partner feeling overwhelmed by the whole thing. In Galatians 6-2 Paul says, "Bear one another's burdens," and so fulfill the law of Christ. Now, he's talking about the church as a whole, but it's got application within the context of marriage. Here's the third thing we can say to strengthen a marriage, and I'm sure you knew it would figure somewhere in all of this, and it's three little words, "I love you." Numbers of you have been in one of my wedding services, in fact I've married, some of you here today, and that brings back some beautiful memories. If you've been in one of my wedding services, you'll know that I read a piece called "Happiness in Marriage," and it refers to the fact that one of the ways you can strengthen a marriage, one of the ways you can ensure that it stays on track is to remember to say, "I love you" at least once every day. And I know that a lot of people think that's a little bit soppy and a bit sentimental. I've actually had people come up to bev after a wedding, they say, "Is he for real? Does he do that with you?" If you go, "Yeah, yeah, okay, you know." I mean people say, "Look, I'm still with her, aren't I?" I mean, that's got to stand for something, isn't it? Look at all I do for him. Because I love him, you know, well, you know, some people need to hear it, you know. And when you build these three words into the marriage vocab, in one form or another, it can be incredibly enriching, enriching, and strengthening. Here's the points of vulnerability that overcomes. It overcomes points of vulnerability as follows, feelings of insecurity, the fear of rejection, and feelings of inadequacy, you know, those points of vulnerability which can be very real in a marriage, they are addressed with these words. I love you. And of course, it's not so much the words that are all that critical, it's the actions that confirm the words, the expressions of warmth and affection, the little curdices, the understanding, the willingness to grow through the various phases of the marriage. And that's got to be the biggest challenge in marriage, to recognize which season you're in and to recognize the course adjustments, if any, that have to be made to get through that season. You know, little kids, babies, adolescents, empty nesters, senior years, there's all different seasons of marriage and it's a matter of recalibrating and adjusting to those different seasons. And, you know, people get all inspired about the first few verses, the first Corinthians 13, you know, it's a lofty, beautiful, literary piece. You know, I may be able to speak with the languages of men and even of angels, but if I have no love, I'm nothing and, you know, he whacks on about that. But like we forget, the first Corinthians 13 has a section, and it's just a small section, but it's verses four to six, which really talk about the hard yacker, the hard work of love. Look at this, he says, in verse four, here we go, "Love is patient and kind, it is not jealous or conceited, it is not proud, love is not ill-mannered, love is not happy with evil, but it's happy with the truth, love never gives up, it's faith, hope and patience never fail." So there's some real, you know, solid work and application, once we get beyond the lofty ideal of love, it gets down to some day-to-day decisions. Well, it's easy to say the words I love you, but it's in the demonstration of love where the challenge comes. Here's number four, and this is in the form of three questions. Three questions, and these three are designed to tackle another area of vulnerability in marriage that can subtly develop over a period of time as the partners grow at different speeds and may even grow in different directions. I'm referring to compatibility. And when there's evidence of incompatibility, and that's evidenced by a serious decline in communication, real communication, a general drifting apart emotionally, physically, spiritually, these are some of the telltale signs, and these three questions can get some helpful conversations going, okay, here they are. What are you thinking? What are you feeling? What are you wanting? Now, it can be a little scary to ask those questions for fear of the kind of answers you're going to get, all right? But the alternative, not to ask these questions, may lead to a continuation of the drift to the point where some of the differences are deemed as irreconcilable. Of course, the most effective way to use these questions is to build them into your marriage vocab. But if you get to the point where you've got to say, we need to sit down and we need to ask each other these three questions, that can happen. But if you're just in the context of a coffee or a meal or driving along just to build these into the marriage, they're like, hey, babe, hey, feeling about things, generally. What are you thinking about where we're heading and what are you wanting, what are you wanting from this relationship, what am I not giving, you know, couples have got to work at it, but it can come up naturally. That doesn't have to be a formal, you know, a gender item on the family conference. A bit of it has to get to that point. That's fine. I know one thing. These three questions are easier to ask when the kids are off your hands. When you've got more alone time, you know, never fear the empty nester phase. It is fantastic, okay, absolutely fantastic. I know what it's like when you've got kids running around in those little children that the pressure's appearing, the most in-depth question you can ask under those conditions is, if you go and pass the supermarket, can you get more nappies when it's just about out? Well, you know, if you found that DVD, the kids have lost, they're going nuts because we can't play it, you know. That's about as far as the questioning can get on a day-by-day basis when the kids are going crazy. But you know, so I did say it wasn't, I said it was hard, didn't say it wasn't possible at all phases of marriage, it's just that in some phases it takes a lot more work to get to that point where you say, "Hey, a little bit of cross-promotion, the marriage course." Whoa. These are the kind of questions we ask in the marriage course, minus the kids. Fantastic. Here's the final thing, and these are words that can not only strengthen a marriage, but they can actually save it, they can actually save a marriage. Here they are. I believe we need help, but guys, most of us involved in counseling in one form or another will tell you that many couples come for help when it's too late. Or if not too late, the amount of repair work that needs to be done is just like huge. I mean, we're quick to get help in every other area of our lives, aren't we? You know, appliances break, get it fixed. Financial help, get it an expert. Car breaks down, take it to the repair shop. But in the area of relationships, oh, we're all supposed to be experts. Yeah, we can fix this. We can do this. Well, sometimes we need help. Not necessarily professional counseling, although that is needed often, but sometimes it's just through sharing with trusted friends. People we feel made by virtue of their experience and their groundedness just may have something that can throw some light on the issues we are facing. Friends, that's one of the reasons why I believe the Church of Jesus Christ will always have a place in society because it's here where we develop relationships if the church is healthy at a deeper level than in many other areas of society. And we can talk, you can build a sort of relationships in which you can talk about some of your struggles in life and including marriage. That's the thing that the Church of Jesus Christ offers if it's healthy. And that's my soul, I'm in life to make the Church, well, I'm in a healthy, vibrant, positive community. Well, one of my frustrations in preparing this message was, I realize there's so much more that could be said, you know, these five things, it's not an exhaustive list. I've tried to pitch it so that it has application for as many married situations as possible. And we've got a real variety here in this church. I mean, if we've been doing five things to say if both parties are really sold out for God, the five things would be very different, it would be something like, let's pray into this issue. We need to trust God more. I believe God has brought us together for a reason. We need to reaffirm our belief he'll get us through. Let's put him at the center of our marriage. I mean, there are five things we'd say if both are on the same page, but I've tried to keep it as broad as we can, very practical. I want to repeat the opening verse of the reading, verse 21, submit yourselves to one another because of your reverence for Christ. The key words there, guys, to one another, any man who thinks Ephesians 5 is an opportunity to kind of lord it over his wife has just got it totally wrong and we've got more time we can explain that. This is mutual love and respect. This is win-win. This is not master servant. This is win-win. This is mutual love and respect. It's a partnership. It's a powerful union. Guys, marriage is under a lot of threat these days. And for the first time ever in my lifetime, the church of Jesus Christ is being pressured and I think it's a good thing to redefine what marriage is because marriage as an institution is under assault and people want to change it and change its basic intention and all the aspects of the foundational building blocks for society that it represents. So we've got to talk about marriage and talk into marriage maybe more than we ever have. So among your friends and among your contacts, praise God, if you're in a healthy marriage you can be one of the strongest points of witness that you can possibly imagine because marriage is under threat and all sorts of levels. We've got to pray that our government gets it right and pray that we don't take this beautiful gift from God for granted at any point. So if you need to check some of these and apply some of these, may God give you all of us the strength to do it this coming week. It's very impressed, shall we? Well Father God, thank you. Thank you for the gift of marriage. Thank you for your intention that marriage should be the basic building block of society. The framework in which new life is brought into the world. The framework in which values and principles for living are established and brought to light in a very clear and a very tangible way, help us Lord to guard the institution of marriage as a church, help us to guard our own marriages, to deepen them, to strengthen them, to make sure they are rock solid so that they can be part of our witness to the community, that here's a place where relationships can be repaired, where relationships can be made whole, where relationships can shine brightly in terms of their strength and their unity. And so Lord, thank you for this beautiful gift and now be with us as we commune with you. May each and every commune can be blessed as they come and share in these emblems. And may this be spiritual nourishment for one and all through Jesus Christ our Lord be pray. Amen.