Northside Church - Sydney
Five x 5 Week 2: Five Things To Say To Minimise Conflict
You're listening to another great message from Northside Community Church. You know, one of the disadvantages of being around Northside for a while is you get to hear some of my stories for a second time and I like to go way back with some stories because if I make them too close to now you might be able to pick who the people are. So this one relates to an incident that happened to me many years ago in Adelaide, I was called to a home to prepare to conduct a funeral and as was the case with most of my funerals and I guess a lot of pastors, I had no idea of the people I was dealing with, I was meeting them for the first time. So you go to a home and here's a lounge room, there's friends and relatives and there was a sort of a cloud of, it was more than grief, you just sense it was real tension in the room and I'm trying to build rapport and try to figure out what's going on and I said now, you know, it'll be important on Thursday that we say something about mum, about grandma. So is there anybody you'd like to say those words or tribute, like no, no, no, you can do it. Okay, right. Well, if that's the case then I'll need to write some things down and get a little tribute that will be soon, I didn't even finish the sentence. The lady who was the host of the home who let me in, daughter, she said, Reverend, there's a couple of things I need to say about Thursday. She said, there's a lot of conflict in this family and you see that on Thursday, there'll be a lot of tension and one side of the family was said, that side of the chapel, the other side was said, that side of the chapel, there'll be some people holding back little nieces and nephews and cousins and preventing them from going across to see the others and they won't even know why that's four, but that's what it's like in this family. Oh, well, that's just what you wanted a funeral, isn't it? That's just what you want. And a bit she followed up, she said, you know what, most of the tension and conflict in this family can be attributed to the lady who'll be in that box. So needless to say, that was one of my sort of shorter tributes, it's got the compact version there because there wasn't a lot that that family would prepare to contribute about that dear lady. Now, look, and it's just, it's stayed within that moment because it's a permanent reminder of just the gravity of conflict in some families and how conflict in some families is like rips the whole thing apart. I mean, life's, this is not a, this is not a dress rehearsal, this is a real thing, you know, and it's just so sad. One thing else, something else about conflict, when I know what happens when people hear a sermon on conflict, it can induce a lot of guilt because the message that comes across although it's not intended is that, oh, good Christians never get angry and good Christians never have arguments. And so to counter that right at the outset, I want to say this, that, look, conflict is inevitable in relationships. It really is, even in Christian circles. It's not necessarily a bad thing. I mean, conflict can be the catalyst that actually strengthens relationships as we find out what the other person is really passionate about. You get to find that out in a real hurry sometimes. Conflict within teams and within groups can be a source of unity and can help to clarify goals as you work through conflict. Now in any situation involving people, there are many factors that do minimize, or many factors that we, or many, many things sorry we can do to minimize conflict and create harmonious environments. The things we can do, for instance in a marriage, if there's lots of affirmation, if there's many expressions of support, if there's gestures of practical help, if there's spontaneous acts of affection, that's one of my favorites, you know, just give your partner a hug unexpectedly. It's fantastic. These things, you know, and a stack of others can minimize, can create an atmosphere which minimizes the likelihood of serious and sustained conflict. The same in a working environment, you know, if the goals are clear, if the communications clear, if there are incentives and rewards, that can strengthen or rather can minimize the potential of conflict. Same thing as those things go off the boil. If they're not there, will be allowed to slip, then conflict often is the outcome. Of course, when conflict does arise, what we say is of crucial importance because those words either fan the flames of conflict or they can douse water on the conflict, on the flames. So, look friends, today, we're not so much talking about what we can do. That would be the subject of another sermon altogether. It's not so much what we can do to create an environment of harmony. This is what we're addressing today is where conflict is a reality. It's already happened. We've got to deal with it. We're having to choose our words carefully and look as Christians. This is something we've got to be very mindful of. We can draw on the power of the Holy Spirit in such a way that some of these words, and I'm not suggesting these are the best words or the only words, but some of these words can become part of who we are as the Spirit shapes us and moles us and this, they seem become part of our vocab so that we're ready to sort of slip these in when the tension rises and we can minimize the chance of conflict. The words being featured here are designed to move us from pure emotion to resolution. It's natural, isn't it, for a lot of emotion, a lot of hate to be generated in the midst of a conflict and that's what the damage is done. That's what the words are said that can't be pulled back. That's where the actions take place that in some cases are so shocking that they scar people for life. That's why it's important as Christians under the guidance of the Spirit and recognizing the Spirit's power that we build these words into our vocab. It's important to have the appropriate words to say at the right time. I'm not being presumptuous, I'm not being presumptuous enough to suggest that these are the only words of the right words, but at least they are words that I've found work in most situations. Here's the first one, here's the first thing to say. We need to talk. Basic but very important, not may we talk, not can we talk. If you want to break the impasse of conflict, sometimes you've got to be a bit more assertive. We need to talk and in a conflict situation, that's when the effective, that's when the permanent resolution starts to unfold, when people start to express feelings and start to talk about what's happening and sometimes this message, this need to talk is not necessarily expressed in those words. It can come through indirectly. During the marriage course and in other settings, I've shared a moment in my own marriage with Bev, going back to our first year in full-time ministry. During our last year in college, our first little daughter, Tamara, was born and like a little baby, she's a bit of a cryer. And so there we were in our first young couple, a long way from home, from family and friends, my parents in Melbourne, Bev's Fairies up in Brisbane, all alone, no support networks to speak of at all in a brand new church. And little Tamara would cry incessantly at night and I thought I knew the deal. Like I mean, look, my background, look, I went to Punchbowl Boy's High and two of the subjects there were Metalwork and Woodwork, I knew down the road at the Wiley Park Girls High, they did a subject called Home Economics, we didn't do that. So it was clear why the girls did that and why we did our subject because like when babies came along, the ladies looked after the babies because we guys had to go out and like earn the money, that was my scripting right. Now, it's not back into the Dickensian era but it's back, it's not that back that far. But like, and I was one of the early ones to go into the birth of babies like up until my generation, that wasn't even allowed, let alone thought of. But I was one of a few people in my group of friends who went into the birth of Tamara. So we were sort of cutting, the revolution hadn't taken place yet. So I mean one night, Tamara was crying and I knew Bev would understand because like, you know, she would just be home all day, I was out serving the Lord and had work to do and important things to attend to. And Bev who, if you know my wife Bev, she's very, very low-key, I mean, I've only ever heard her raise her voice, maybe you can count on one hand in all our years of marriage, she's very low-key. This particular night though, she said, you know, I'm not going to take this anymore, this is not fair. Oh, and I sort of, under the covers I said, what are you not going to take darling, what's not fair? And she said, this, this, this, this getting up, me getting up all the time, because you know, it's just not fair, we've got to do more. So that was the beginning of a, it was a defining moment in our marriage. And after that, we became an equal opportunity household, equal opportunity, we were cutting new ground right there. Bev was one of the early revolutionaries. And I chose barfing because I don't like surprises. And so we managed, you know, and I would get up and do my little bit most nights, you know, because we came to the realisation, that was for the health of both of us, that was very important. You know, this is an aside, you know, that's what can distinguish a successful marriage from a marriage that fails. The ability of the spouses to adjust to the changing circumstances of the marriage, because marriage is a series of changes. And sustainability in marriage is the ability to adjust to the changes and the seasons. And in case you haven't worked out, pre-children is very different to post-children. Anybody work that out? It's very, very different. Here's the second thing. It's important we resolve this matter, don't you agree? Listen, Mark, guys, those last three words, very important because they change this from a statement to a question. It's important we resolve this, don't you agree for the sake of the kids? You know, they can't keep living with all this tension. For the stability of our marriage, for the viability of the company and the organisation, it's important we resolve this. It's important we resolve it for the strength of our friendship, for the ongoing survival of our friendship, that kind, you get some buy-in, you know? Proverbs 15.1 says, "A gentle answer quiets anger, but a harsh one stirs it up." Now, friends, I believe if this is expressed in gentleness and with appropriateness and sensitivity, I think it qualifies as a gentle answer, a gentle comment. As does number three, I'm trying to understand where you're coming from. I'm trying to understand where you're coming from. For this expression of empathy, to not only be felt, but also to be expressed, is just so important. I mean, this can be music to the ears of someone whose aggression is being fueled by feelings that nobody's taking him seriously. Nobody's really listening to what they're trying to say. If you can say this, look, I'm trying to see where you're coming from. That can be G-O-L-D gold. I don't really respond to that often. Now, to be able to express this one, number three, this requires maturity. It requires what we call emotional intelligence. Some are blessed with a lot of it, some struggle to find it. I believe we're all capable of lifting our E-I-Q, our emotional intelligence quotient, but you've got to have a desire to want to do that. And if we have that, then we go one step back before we get to this, and we ask the question, why is this person acting like they're acting? What's causing this behavior? Why are they reacting so strongly? In my own case, look, I would think that this question, probably more than any other, has really helped me to solve a lot of conflict situations in my ministry over the years. Let me take you way back to when I was in my 20s, and not long out of college, and I was going to change the world in 10 months, because that's what God told me I could do. And I clash with a lot of elders. I clash with a lot of elders in those early days. I'm a little bit ashamed to say. But there was one particular guy who we just butted heads all the time, and it was even embarrassing because some of his friends at the elders was how, come on day, look, what Graham's suggesting is not a bad thing. We've put it on that. And I'm concerned about the old folks. I'd already checked with the old folks, they were fine. This guy, he's been fifties. He was really edgy about all sorts of things to do with change. So I asked him if I could see him over coffee. So he somewhat reluctantly, he agreed, went into his workplace in the center. And I learned something about this guy. I learned that he was in a government department where he had been shelved over many years, mid-fifties. He'd been shelved in preference for young guys and women out of university and out of the Institute of Technology. And they were rocketing past him in promotion because they had degrees. He didn't have that. And so he'd been sidelined to become the training officer. And in the '70s and '80s, that was the way to sideline someone, make them a training officer, like how to write on the whiteboard, how to plug in the overhead projector, how to get rid of the, you know, what he's to happen with overhead projectors. He was incensed that this was happening. In his work environment, of course, he had little control, no control. But in a church where he was an elder and there was a young guy out of college, wham, he could really make his mark. Now look, the psychology was so deep, I don't think he even fully understood it, you know. And I know I didn't, I'd done a little bit of psychology and management training. But like, once I found that out, it changed my approach to this guy. And over a period of months, we were able to build a relationship. We actually became quite good friends prior to his passing, which I had nothing to do with, by the way. I wasn't even in the town at that time. But we become very good friends. Look, look, friends, here's the thing. Look, our real entry, our real entry into the world of emotional intelligence comes when we're prepared to go back even further than this. Even what's making this person or why are you acting like this? What's making this thing? It gets back to this one. Why am I reacting in the way I'm reacting? Why am I behaving in this manner? That takes it way back. And I think that's what maybe Jesus was referring to in Matthew chapter 7, verse 3, when he says this, "Why then do you look at the speck in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the log in your own eye?" Try that one on the side, you know? We're so quick to, you know, criticize other than think that they've got the problem. And Jesus is like, "I have a look at why are you reacting like you are? Why are you responding in the way that you are?" Here's the fourth thing, I feel. Now, look, any of you who've had anything to do with counseling or psychology, you know, this is the, you know, this is the basic building block when it comes to health and harmony within relationships. This is the acknowledgement and the ownership of my feelings. This is the refusal, a refusal to launch into an accusatory mode and dump all of the responsibility for the problem under others. You know, I blame you for this. You're the problem here, that's going to get a certain reaction every time, right? That's going to, that's pretty predictable. Again, this involves maturity. To say I feel, this is how I'm seeing it, that does require presence of mind, requires control of our emotions to be able to speak in this way, but it does have the advantage of minimizing the possibility that we may have got it wrong. Minimizes the possibility that we just may have misunderstood what's gone down and what's caused the conflict. I'll give you an example, and this is basic, I'm sure some of you know what this is about. Yeah, a couple come home from a work function, right? And the wife says, "You know, darling, I feel like you abandoned me tonight, you know, like you put me in with all your work friends, I didn't know anybody, I looked around for you, you're gone. And I'm here with all your friends and, you know, I'm not good in that situation, I'm very nervous, I'm very shy, and I feel like you just kind of left me there and I'm really, I'm really just, we didn't talk about this, I'm really, I somehow feel you, you know, maybe you just don't understand how intimidated I feel in this setting. You know, you've got the basics there for some kind of mature sort of conversation. It's worlds away from what the heck was going on tonight. You dumped me in front of all those friends, I didn't know any of them. I look around for you, you've gone. And, you know, I hate those situations where I'm sort of the only one who doesn't know, and I find it hard to make conversation, you know, like sometimes I don't think you even know who I am. And while we're at it, your mother, we were there the other week, and she did exactly the same thing with all those relative people, and your brother, and all of a sudden we've got, you know, like all this stuff that's never come out before, and there's a river, and of course then you're really into macro conflict. Whereas the first scenario that leads to the chance for the husband to say, "Darling, I'm sorry. I didn't abandon you." You know how we've talked about your growing confidence? I thought this was a way of you just, you know, asserting yourself a little bit, getting to know. You know, I'm sorry, are you not ready for that? I'm okay. I don't even need a script for this, you know. I've done this gig a few times, you know, over the years. Well, guys, look, you know, the first one, it leaves you a chance to sort of, you know, explain that maybe they're misunderstood. So, what is the fifth thing I'm suggesting we say to minimize conflict? It's the one that can be the hardest, but it can be the most effective. It's either I'm sorry or I forgive you. One of these statements will frequently be the one that facilitates the ultimate resolution to the conflict. In Jesus' story of the prodigal son, can you imagine the tension between the father and the son? Particularly from the son's perspective, I mean, the son's ripped a huge chunk of the family's fortune. He's raced off and he's lived like a crazy guy. When did the turning point come when the guy had the presence of mind to say, "I'm sorry. Father, I've sinned against you and against God. I'm sorry. I got it wrong. I've made a big mistake." And that was the beginning of the reconciliation. And I got something else for you this morning. Tucked away in Paul's second letter to Timothy. There's a little verse that indicates how the sharp argument that was in the reading when we sort of started, how this may have been resolved. The problem had been marked, right, in these lack of stickability. But in chapter 4 of 2 Timothy, verses 9 to 11, look at this, it's gold. Here's Paul speaking. He says to Timothy, "Do your best to come to me soon. Deem is selling love with this present world and has deserted me." Must have been pretty rough traveling with Paul because he's got a deserting, you know? And then he says, "Crescans went off to Galatia and tied us to Dalmatia." All these guys leave me. He says, "Only Luke is with me. Praise God for Luke." And then he says, "Get Mark and bring him with you because he can help me in the work." He said, "A new perspective on Mark. He had said to Mark, 'Somewhere along the line, the most Christ-like thing we can say, I forgive you.'" Wow. It means we've got a swallow pride. It means we have to reject revenge. It means we have to let go of the hurts and grievances that are holding us back. But it can mean resolving a conflict that's dogged us and dogged our family and dogged our friends for years. I forgive you. Let's wrap this up. Is it wrong for Christians to be involved in conflict? That's not what my Bible says. No. There's a familiar verse, and I want to read it in closing. It's found in Ephesians, Ephesians chapter 4, verse 26. We know this verse, and we skip over it sometimes, says this, 26th chapter 4. If you become angry, do not let your anger lead you in the sin and do not stay angry all day with it. Yeah, yeah. We know that. No, that. But look, guys, I want to present this this morning in closing from the message, because the beautiful thing about the message version is it can bring some of these familiar verses with a new freshness and a new vitality and a kind of a we go, "Whoa, okay." It's an expanded version. Look how it comes up in the message. Go ahead and be angry. There you go. It's okay for Christians to get a little bit stirred up. But don't use your anger as fuel for revenge. Keep the tank empty in that regard. And don't stay angry. Don't go to bed angry. Don't give the devil that kind of foothold in your life. And friends, that's what's always concerned me about persistent lingering conflict. It just reduces our effectiveness for God. You show me an angry person, show me somebody who's bitter, show me somebody who can trace back years to when something's said and was said, and somebody did something, and I'll never forget that. Well, you know, it's just robbing yourself of the joy and of the liberation and the freedom that God wants you to have in the spirit. It's possible by the power of the Holy Spirit to build these kind of words into our vocab, into our phraseology, and have them there under his guidance and strength to inject into situations that might otherwise develop into huge conflagrations of conflict. That's not where it needs to be. Sure, we're going to get upset, but let's deal with it creatively, effectively, spiritually maturely. Let's join to get them fresh, shall we?