Northside Church - Sydney
Five x 5 Week 1: Five Things to Say When Helping a Friend in Crisis…
You're listening to another great message from Northside Community Church. You know what you said to somebody in hospital can be very important. I remember years ago in my first ministry, my first open heart surgery candidate in that church and I don't know what I was thinking. I said, "Donnie, are you confident?" he said, "I am, I think I am, I'm a little bit, I said look mate, I'm looking, I'll see you on the other side." And I meant on the other side of the operation and I didn't realize seriously at the time and he sort of like kind of reached for the mask, you know, it was just, it was crazy. And I realized the other side means, you know, like eternity, you got to be so careful what you say to somebody, particularly in a hospital situation. Now, look guys, these five things I'm going to share with you this morning. They have application for a wide variety of crises, health, financial, marital, vocational, relational. I think you'll be able to apply these in a wide variety of situations. In each case, we're recognizing the fact that what we say can be of crucial importance as we minister to the person concerned, and I've chosen that word minister quite deliberately. Because these words are for people who want to minister, who just don't want to pass the time of day, just be a sort of a casual friend or acquaintance. These words are designed for somebody who by the grace of God wants to make a real difference, wants to be instrumental potentially in helping this person get a better understanding of the love of God, the grace of God, maybe even the renewal and the salvation of God. Some of you have been involved in situations where helping friends in crises have actually contributed to them becoming Christians. That's the kind of thing we're talking about. Now, James, the writer of the book of James, one of the Lord's disciples, he knew about the inappropriateness of certain words, and he talks about it in the second chapter. It was read for a system moment ago by James, verse 16 of chapter 2. What good is there in you saying to someone, "God bless you, keep warm, eat well, if you don't give them the necessities of life." Now, okay, this chapter is primarily about the link between faith and actions, but here's a reference, here's a verse that talks about the inadequacy of superficial words, of words that lack empathy and meaning. Words that just don't really cut it for somebody in a situation of need. I mean, this is going to take us beyond the superficial. This takes us beyond just that sort of casual kind of stuff that comes easily to most of us. What are some of the things we can say to a friend or loved one who's up against it? I've got five things this morning, all right, and this will take you beyond the predictable, like, "Oh, cheer up, he'll be okay, he's going to be great, you wait and see." He's just got to think more positive, he's probably not as bad as you think. Now, like these are easy to say, but they offer cold comfort to the person who's feeling the pain, the loss, the stress, the uncertainty, the fear of a really tough time. But here are some words which I've found can have a significant impact on the spiritual and the emotional condition of somebody who's facing a crisis. The first one is this, "You are precious to me." Wow, the first point, five words, so it's five by five by five, fantastic. Somebody stop me, but that sounds like five words, I think. "You are precious." Now, look, that word mightn't be the word for you, I tend to use that word a fair bit, but that might not be the word for you. It might be like, "You are special, I value you." If it's appropriate, I love you, I want you to know that. Look, the entry point, the entry point into the world of serious care for someone, serious care and compassion, is to assure them of their worth and value in your eyes. That's the starting point. They've got to know that you really, what's the old saying? People don't care how much you know, they want to know how much you care. This was a hallmark of the way Jesus dealt with people. He traced his ministry in either direct or indirect ways. He conveyed the extent of his genuine love and care and compassion for people. It comes through in all the things that he said. Now, I'm going to wear that for some of us. Disclosure of feelings at this level is a real challenge. I know that particularly blokes, it's not a real easy thing to share exactly what you're feeling in here, but look, we've got to work at this because it's a very liberating thing in relationships, very liberating. When you're going to express love and affection, especially in the context of helping someone who's really up against it, here's the second thing that we can say, "I can or I can't identify with you." It's usually one or the other, usually. Either we've been in a similar situation to the person we're seeking to help or we haven't. We might have had a version of it, but it's usually one or the other. I've always found it's important to clarify this point early in the piece because if we're face bankruptcy ourselves, then you can talk about how you manage that particular situation. If you've lost a loved one under tragic circumstances, you can share how that journey was for you. If you've had chemotherapy, you can talk about how you manage that, how you handle that. But if we haven't, I think it's important to let the person know that early and to have that established because it will help us to determine what role we'll play in this journey with them. We'll either play the part of a great listener and encourager or we may potentially play the part of a mentor, of a source of great inspiration, and they'll see in our victory over this particular thing, they will draw great inspiration from that. Now, I'm not suggesting for one moment that you've got to experience all these things to be of ministry, not at all. But it is important that we clarify because if we haven't experienced what the person is going through, if we can't identify with them, we must always try to avoid this phrase, "I know how you feel." I mean, it's pretty basic, but it's unfair to say that if you really don't know how they feel. It's easy to roll off the tongue, but it's not really fair as a pastor. Oh, I'm saying, you don't have to have experienced everything you were trying to help with to be effective. I mean, as a pastor, I've only experienced a small fraction of the situations in which I get involved. We can still do effective work, even if you haven't experienced it. I mean, you can listen intently, you can reflect feelings, you can ask questions. That question you've heard from me up here on previous occasions, you know, when you have an experience that you can ask the person, "Hey, what goes through your mind at a time like this?" And let them set the agenda. I've asked that of critically ill people. I don't know what they feel it, but I say, "What goes through your mind at a time like this?" And they'll tell you at whatever level they want, and you can minister in response, because we can pray. You don't have to have experienced the problem to pray. And just being there with the person, it means the heck of a lot, just supporting them in that way by our presence. This provides a perfect segue to the third thing we can say to someone in a crisis, and it's this. And with you, I'm going to do my best to support you. Now, friends, these words are gold, G-O-L-D, to someone who's anxious, who's afraid, who's lonely, who's lost, who's confused, the knowledge that somebody's going to stand with them and support them, that's a great source of reassurance. As followers of Jesus, our motivation for this kind of care is in response to what we experience in Him. There's a great reference in Hebrews, chapter 10. Let me read this to you. Hebrews, chapter 10, verses 23 and 24. The writer says, "Let us hold on firmly to the hope we profess, because we can trust God to keep His promises." Isn't that a great verse? We can trust God to keep His promises, so we can be rock solid shore on God. And then He follows, "Let us be concerned for one another, to help one another, to show love, and to do good." So, this is our motivation. We can be rock solid certain about God and His promises, and we can, in turn, say that we'll stand with somebody and be rock solid for them in their time of need. Now, this means that there's, I mean, it's one thing to say we're going to stand in solidarity. It's another thing to actually follow through. And so, there's another, there's a supplementary question on this point. And the question is this, what do you need? What do you need? When can I come around? Where do you need to go? What time are the kids getting out of school? That's worlds away from me. "Hey, just holler if you need help. Just give us a yell." Well, you know, a lot of people, when they're up against it, they don't feel inclined to ask the help, particularly if they're being givers, and a lot of you know what I'm talking about there. It's very hard to ask for help. People need to be coaxed, needs to be drawn out of them. A fourth thing we can say, and look, these last two touch on the theology of suffering. They're probably the hardest to say, but they can be the most helpful, the most beneficial. Point four, the fourth thing is this, God is good. Look, friends, I'm aware that there's all sorts of faulty thinking and faulty doctrine that floats around Christians and churches when suffering raises its ugly head. There's all sorts of things that are said like, you know, God must be putting you to the test. No question about that. Maybe you're not right with him, maybe that's why you got cancer, you know. If only you had more faith, man, we just got to pray harder, he's not hearing, you know. Look, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not suggesting there's not some element of truth in some of these sort of sayings in some situations, but we need to affirm, guys, we're trying to help somebody get through a crisis. We need to affirm the cumulative evidence of the scriptures, which clearly portrays our God through Jesus as a God of love, mercy, forgiveness, grace, compassion, all of those things that need to be brought to bear on the situation of need. That's the picture we get of God. You can bring your proof texts that might illustrate another point in a certain context, but the cumulative evidence is that's the sort of God we're serving. These are the attributes we see time and time again in the ministry of Jesus and we need to illustrate them strongly from our own biblical knowledge and look it up, get some references if you're getting down to serious talk with somebody who's really up against it. And this point flows naturally to the fifth and final statement, I want to highlight this morning, and it's this, here it is, you can say this in your own words, irrespective of how this turns out, there are some things we can be sure of. Now, you can already pick the double thrust in that comment. On the one hand, it's allowing for the fact that things may not work out as we would like. There's no sort of false hope here, mate, you've got to be fine, don't worry about it. Mate may not be fine, he might be in the final stages of some terminal illness, because the test results may not come back favorably. The marriage counseling may not bring the couple back together again. The teenage son or daughter may still make decisions that break the hearts of his or her parents. The surgery may not be successful. We're not spelling out, we're not spelling out in this, we're not spelling out the details of these alternative scenarios, but at least we're realistically foreshadowing that they mate may happen. And that's life, isn't it? That's life for all of us. So we're doing all this, but at the same time and in the same breath in this statement, we're also pointing to hope, we're pointing to certainty, we're pointing to stability and assurance, and if ever a person needs those things, it's when they're up against it. They need those things in full measure. So what are these points of certainty we can point people to? What are the certain things you can say? Well, it depends on where the person is in their faith journey, of course. But one thing that's common to everybody, you can say, you know what, the love of your family and friends and me, if you've made that commitment to stand with them, that's not going to change. In fact, that's going to get deeper as we journey along this pathway with you. So that's one thing, that's one thing we can be sure of. And then depending on how open they are and how receptive they are, we can move right through to God will never leave us or forsake us. There is nothing that can separate us from His love. If God is for us, who can be against us? He's saying, well, Graham, isn't it getting back to this sort of theology, false hopes, oh, yeah, it's going to be okay, God's going to be in control. No, no, no, no. These are references, not so much to solutions. You check all these references that we love. They're not references to solutions. They are references to strength and victory in the midst of adversity. Get your head around that? They're not solutions in every case. They are more references to strength and victory in the face of adversity. When Paul wrote, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. He wasn't sipping His favorite drink in Tuscany. He was in a Roman prison. So it was an expression of the fact that no matter what happens, no matter how adverse or how difficult the situation, God remains with us. And guys, isn't that the testimony of so many of us here? I mean, that's the, I know from my pastoral knowledge of you guys. That's the testimony. I mean, we've had many hardships and setbacks in our lives, some of us here. Not every disease has been healed. Not every problem has been solved. Some of us have lost loved ones in tragic circumstances. But we're still here. We're still here, worshipping, praising, celebrating. We're still believing. Why? Because his strength is being made perfect in our weakness. That's why we're here. We're not here because it's gone all our way. We're here because we recognize that even when things don't turn out, God stands with us, never fails us. And that's probably a neat segue to another statement we should try to avoid. And it's this one. If anyone can beat this, you can. Now, look, don't beat yourself up if you've said it. I've said it. Probably will not say it again, because I don't get these right every time. I mean, it's got a nice sound to it. Like it's got a ring of defiance. You know, it's a battle cry for the person who's up against it to sort of, you know, marshal their forces and resources and fight this thing. And look, sometimes that's appropriate. But look, you know what? In some situations, that unwittingly puts a lot of pressure on the person to ensure the outcome is a positive one in keeping with your expectations. One of the hardest things we find as Christians, and I've been to this so many times with people, for instance, in the case of death, is, you know, we talk about, like, that's defeat. You know, we're going to die. We pray what's... No, no, no. That's not defeat. It's just part of the journey. It's the ultimate healing, actually, if you want to talk about death, that is the ultimate healing. But we haven't got time to talk about that. But, you know, sometimes moving toward the best outcome in certain situations involves surrender, not defiance. It involves surrendering to the process, and that's particularly so with some medical procedures. You've got to be a defiant, and some of them, you know, it's just a matter of, I'm surrendering to this hospital, to the staff, I'm just going to surrender, because that's what else can I do? But one final point in this sensitive area of trying to find the balance between faith and reality, and there is the right balance, I want to stay as optimistic and as faith-filled as possible in terms of finding solutions, but I'm also realistic enough to know that it's not always... That's not always the case. Look, here's the verse I want to leave you with Galatians 6, 2. The Bible says, "Bear one another's burdens." It doesn't say solve one another's burdens. There is a difference. It says bear one another's burdens, Galatians 6, 2, and that's what this is about. This is about supporting, bearing, walking alongside, being there, asking these questions and a whole range of others. Thank God these are not the only questions. These aren't the only five things you say to somebody in a crisis. There's an infinite number of other things that you and I have said, and I'm not even suggesting these are the best ones, but they're some of the ones that I've found are appropriate and that can help. Because, guys, look, we're supposed to be the leaders in this area. As Christians, we are supposed to be number one when it comes to caring for people up against it. This is the time when many, many folks want to pull back, you know? How are you feeling? Well, as a matter of fact, I've really got some big issues in my life at the moment. Okay. And that's when you get the withdrawal, unless you've got the heart of Christ, who wants to get involved and it's not easy, it's pricey, but if there are people in your life at the moment who need to hear from you, you might be the only Jesus that they meet, you know, the whole thing, the only Bible they'll read, all that sort of thing. There's nothing like the privilege of walking alongside of somebody who's up against it. So it could be that one of these or all of these might be very pertinent and very appropriate for you in your situation with somebody you know in this coming week. And you'll have the awesome privilege of bearing, not solving necessarily, but bearing someone else's burdens. And in so doing, you'll be fulfilling the law of Christ. Let's bow in prayer, shall we? [BLANK_AUDIO]