Northside Church - Sydney
5 Things We Find Hard To Say Week 5: I Love You
You're listening to another great message from Northside Community Church. I was at the CBD connection luncheon just the other week. This is a group of business guys of the church get together every month either for a lunch or a breakfast. It's run by Craig Beatty, one of our elders in Craig and Carly are back from their holidays this morning. We were having lunch together down at Curabilly, down at Jeff's boardroom and I turned the conversation to something that had happened a couple of days before. I said, "Did you guys see that thing where Rupert Murdoch and his son were being grilled by those politicians? Did you see the response of Rupert Murdoch's wife? Her name is Wendy Dang. She is 38 years his junior. She's a feisty lady. When somebody tried to throw a shaving cream pie into the face of Rupert Murdoch, this woman leapt from her seat with the power of a puma." Did you see that? She just leapt. The slow motion is just like a zzzzzzzz and whack this guy on the head. No names, fellas, if you're getting nervous, no names, to a man. We all said, "Oh, it wasn't that great." Fantastic. You see, ladies, the sort of thing that really kind of tends us on and inspires us, guys? Because we all thought we'd love to think our wives would do something similar, can you with me? I mean, look, this is the guys we're getting together, it's a blokey thing. But we all thought, "Wouldn't that be great if your wife was prepared to do that?" Like, almost take a bullet for you, you know? I mean, it was just fantastic. I mean, any action, whether it's dramatic or whether it's understated, any action that communicates to us, you are loved, that was what she was doing. She was expressing her love, her loyalty, her protection of her man in that moment, not really knowing what was going on, it is just a level. And fantastic. Well, any action that tells us we are loved is a beautiful thing, it's a great thing. There's nothing quite like being told we are loved, right? Nothing quite like hearing the words. But of course, some people find it hard to say the words in a marriage context. By the way, this is not just marriage this morning, I'm just using this as an example, we're going to go much broader than the marriage context. But in the marriage context, sometimes, I've known partners who find it hard to say, "I love you and my pastoral work over the years." Because partners find it hard to say, "I love you because they don't love anymore." And without being false, they can't really say it anymore. Sometimes the partners come from a background where emotions were suppressed. And they're not used to such expressions of affection and endearment, and they find it awkward to verbalize their feelings and to say, "You know, just cards that will really say it." I remember counseling a couple of many years ago in Adelaide, and this was kind of part of the problem. I remember the guy said, "Well, what do you mean I don't love you? Look at where we live. Look at where our kids go to school. Look at the holidays we'd say, "Who provides that? What do you mean I don't love you?" It wasn't quite what she was after in that setting, you know? He was finding it difficult to say it, choosing rather to sort of express it in practical terms. I'm no psychologist, but I do know some people don't say, "I love you" to their partner as a weird, a weird form of control, because if they were to say it, they'd have to start living it out. They'd have to start relaxing their obsessive controlling ways. They'd have to exercise more trust. They'd have to give their partner greater freedom if they actually said it and meant it. Well, it's only three little words, "I love you," but it can be a minefield of complex emotional and psychological dynamics. And yet, according to the Bible, these are the three most important words we can say to another person. They represent the absolute height of what we can express to another human being, especially this is so within the body of Christ, within the church. And friends, this is the context in which we're addressing these words mainly today. This is the context where they have huge significance here in the family of God, where expressions of love and support and encouragement and affirmation, these really form the relational foundation of all that we do. By this, said Jesus, "Will everyone know you are my disciples?" If you have love, one, four, another. Let's remember, it was in the context of a church that Paul wrote 1 Corinthians 13. He didn't write this as part of a love palms for weddings. I mean, weddings are probably the last thing he had on his mind when he wrote these words. He was addressing a church which, to a large extent, had lost its way in this area, the Corinthian church. We know something about their story. They'd lost their way. They had major problems in this area of relationships, and Paul is attempting to bring them back on track. And in the preceding chapters, he's gone to great lengths to describe the church of Jesus Christ using his famous body analogy. We're all members of the body, and each one has a part to play to make the whole body function. But then he says, "Look, that's just the skeleton. That's just the real muscle and sinews of the whole thing is love." He says in verse, in the last verse of chapter 12, "Best of all, however, is the following way, an alternative renderings are, 'Now I will show you the most excellent way.'" And as we read the opening verses, the opening verses of 1 Corinthians 13, Paul's concerns become apparent. You see, according to Paul, in the church, we're sometimes tempted to replace, "I love you with other words, actions and ideals, none of which, none of which can ever replace, can ever take the place of love, which is the greatest and most powerful force in all the world." I use that phrase the greatest because they're in verse 13. That's what Paul says. Meanwhile, these three remain, faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love. In the Corinthian church, there were a lot of conflict over the subject of spiritual gifts. Paul addresses this, but he makes it very clear and he states that a preoccupation with spiritual gifts won't take the place of love. What does he say in verse 1 of chapter 13? "I may be able to speak the languages of human beings and even of angels, but if I have no love, my speech is no more than a noisy gong or a clanging bell." Now, what's he referring to here? Back in the first century, there was a bell or a gong at the entrance to pagan temples. It's still the case today in some parts of the world, particularly Asia, where when you got to the temple, you'd ring the gong, ring the bell, and that was the idea was to wake up the pagan god, just in case he was sleeping and just to kind of rouse him. And start to make sure that he heard your prayers. So Paul is saying, "Look, you might have a beautiful array of spiritual gifts. I mean, you might have a beautiful package of gifts, including speaking in tongues, but if that leads to a smug, self-righteous, judgmental attitude devoid of love, then it's about as useless as ringing a little bell at a pagan temple trying to wake up a non-existent god." Now, that's pretty heavy. That's pretty heavy teaching. But hey, Paul's just getting started. It's only verse one. He's got more to say. He also states, "An excessive emphasis on knowledge won't take the place of love." Verse two, he says, "I may have the gift of a, rather, I may have all knowledge and understand all secrets." Now, there were doctrinal differences in the church at Corinth that they were arguing about points of doctrine and theology. Not all of it, but some of it was born out of their different allegiances. Some were following Paul, some were following Apollos, some were following Peter. It's all here in the book. And Paul was saying, "Look, you can argue theologically and doctrinally to a certain point, but if you haven't got love, over these in my ministry, of course, you'd expect I've had lots of conversations with people on points of doctrinal differences and theological viewpoints. And I've welcomed those. But in some cases, sadly, sadly, the person making their point on the other side has not shown a lot of love, has not shown a lot of tolerance, has not shown a lot of understanding and acceptance of an alternative viewpoint that's been harshness, critical spirit, acrimony. Then on other occasions, of course, there has been. It has been handled and very mature and a very helpful and a very loving way. And I've welcomed that. But Paul's got another surprise as he seeks to drive home the critical importance of love. He says, "Having strong faith and being a person of extreme generosity won't take the place of love." Verse 3, "I may have all the faith needed to move mountains, but if I have no love, I'm nothing. I may give away everything I have and even give up my body to be burnt, but if I have no love, this does me no good." Gosh, I mean, that's extreme generosity. We're not talking tithing here. I may give up everything. He's talking the house, he's talking the car, talking the bank balance. We're getting way beyond tithing here. Paul says, though, if the motivation is not love for God, if it's not love for people, love for the kingdom, it's just not going to cut it. This is heavy teaching. It seems like the Corinthians had been trying to substitute other things for what is clearly, clearly, the primary requirement for life in the body of Christ. Unconditional, grace-empowered, Christ-like love, that's our business. That's our point of difference. That's our unique point of difference when compared to all the other organizations in the world. But let's not kid ourselves friends. Look, expressing love and grace, even for the people of God. It's pretty hard sometimes, isn't it? It's hard to say. I love you. I mean, it's hard to say I love you when there's no love in return. In He's 7 on the Mount, Jesus said, "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." In Luke chapter 6, He says, "If you love only the people who love you, why should you receive a blessing, even sinners? Love those who love them. And if you do good only to those who do good to you, why should you receive a blessing, even sinners? Do that. Saying, "I love you." Not necessarily the actual words, but in terms of our actions and our understanding. Saying, "I love you" to people who've grieved us, people from whom we're estranged, people who for whatever reason just don't relate to us. That's really hard. Most of us have such people or have had such people in our lives. Maybe colleagues at work, it's just not making you're not cutting it. Neighbours. Anybody want any neighborhood problems? Yes, we've had a few left, no hands, please. Me within your own family, I was estranged from a person a number of years ago. And those of you who know me, I don't like that. I'd like too short to be estranged from somebody for any length of time, so I'll do everything I can to try to bring about reconciliation, but nothing said to be working with this particular gentleman. We'd meet each other at functions and at church gatherings, and there was always a real coldness and a abruptness and a terse-ness despite my attempts at warmth. And then five years ago, I got the key, I worked it out. Five years ago, I met this man at a conference, and I'd use a false name, I said, "Hey David, I've worked something out," he was that, just like that, I said, "We're both grandparents." And he immediately reached in his wallet, "Take a look at that, what do you think of that?" I said, "Oh, beautiful mate, beautiful." He didn't ask for mine, but at least I had that at the ready to, "Whoa, on the phone you've seen it?" But at least now, we can approach each other now with a lot more sense of friendship and togetherness. We're not sort of like, you know, but, you know, found the common ground, and that's largely what's involved. It's one of the factors involved if there's estrangement, but it's hard, doesn't come easy. It's also hard to say I love you when love has to be seen, not just spoken. I'm talking about those situations requiring love in action. And this is where the Christian church is meant to shine. This is supposed to be our specialty area. James has specific teaching on this in his epistle in the second chapter, verses 15 to 18. "Suppose there are brothers or sisters who need clothes and don't have enough to eat. What good is there in your saying to them, 'Oh God, bless you, keep warm, eat well. Think of it. If you don't give them the necessities of life, so it is with faith born out of our love for God.' If it is alone and includes no actions, then it is dead. But someone will say, 'Well, hang on, one person has faith and other has actions. My answer is, show me how anyone can have faith without actions. It's hard to say I love you when love has to be seen, not just spoken. Friends, one of the many great blessings of being a pastor, and I can't tell you how many blessings there are in being a pastor, but one of the blessings is that you are surrounded by and working with people who, for the most part, are givers, for the most part. You're dealing with people who are givers, who are working toward this particular ideal. People who in many cases give heaps of time and energy and talent. Michael picks up on some of this and he's cover on the church paper today. If we added up all the voluntary hours that are given to Northside in any given week, particularly this week, we would be staggered. We would be staggered, but it doesn't come easily. It's costly. And those of you who are involved, you know what I'm talking about, it's one of the reasons why churches find it hard to recruit people for positions of leadership. It's costly to serve. It doesn't come easy. It is God in my experience. We have less trouble here at Northside than I know some places experience. We have less trouble here. Praise God for that. One of the reasons, by the way, is that we keep highlighting the impact of our ministries. We keep highlighting the impact, the difference our ministries are making, the way in which God is transforming lives. And that generally means people want to get on board. We'd love many more of you to get on board by the way, but so many get on board because they see the results. They want to be part of that. God's doing a great thing. That's why we celebrate the great things God is doing to highlight the impact that he is making by his spirit. Of course, the big incentive for all of us in this area, the big incentive for all of us are the words of Jesus. It is more blessed to give than to receive. You will not find that written up in any secular magazine and not in the way that Jesus talks about it because people just don't believe that. No, it's sorry. It's all mine and my time, my money, my house, my possession, you know, like, but there's not a lot of, I watched the story on one of those current affair programs that I'm involving Bob Jane. And they said, Bob, does money make a difference? And he just couldn't even answer. It just broke down. A multi-multi-millionaire. We've all said, we know that. It is more blessed to give than to receive Jesus also said, those who saved their life will lose it. Those who sort of keep it all in. But those who lose their life, open up, let it all flow, gifts, resources, let it flow. They will find it. Well, in the church where there's harmony and where things are happening, where differences are being made, where transformation is taking place, it is much easier to recruit people to positions of leadership, but it's still costly. It's costly to say I love you when it has to be love in action. Finally, it's hard to say I love you when grace is required. That is when we need to take the initiative in forgiveness. And we looked at this last week and a very powerful message presented to us by Sam. So we haven't got time to unpack that further this morning. But before we close, friends, I want to briefly touch on one other aspect of this theme. It's a very important one. One other aspect. Here it is. Sometimes it's hard to say I love you when the person we're addressing is ourselves. Sometimes it's hard to say I love you. When the person we're addressing is ourselves, when we're looking in the mirror. On one occasion, Jesus was asked, which is the greatest commandment, which is the one that sort of encapsulates everything about our relationship to God and our relationship to each other. What's the number one, Jesus? And we know what he said. We know what he said. Love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. Love your neighbour as you love yourself. Friends, you know, the church hasn't done as you love yourself very well over the years. We haven't done that too well. Love your neighbour as you love yourself. We haven't sort of really unpack that one very, very well. We've overemphasised that a gravity of man, the sinfulness and the shame of man used to come through our hymns very strongly, leaving many people with acute feelings of unworthiness and low self-esteem. And that's not a good foundation for the expression of love. And again, I'm no so conscious, but I know that's not a good foundation for the expression of love. Because if I feel unloved, if I feel unworthy, if I feel unlovely, I'm going to find it hard to express love because I'm going to find, I'm going to feel there's nothing in the tank. There's nothing to give. And then I'll try to reduce the sense of confidence that others may have in themselves to bring them back to a level I can better handle. And that introduces a very, very sad cycle of emotional behaviour. That's a good note on which to conclude this series, by the way. That's a good note. Because having a positive self-esteem makes these five things easier to say. Because we're operating out of a position of personal strength and security. And that position of strength and security is directly related to our identity in Christ. And our identity in Christ is born out of the belief that He loves us unconditionally. He chose us, He died for us. He invites us to live with Him. And to work with Him and to serve with Him, friends, walk closely with Him, stay in fellowship with Him, stay in the Word, stay in prayer, get connected. And then you'll find it is easier to say, I love you, it is also easy to say I was wrong, I need help. I disagree, I forgive you, it's easy to say all those things. When we feel safe and secure in the knowledge that we are loved by Him and nothing can ever separate us from that love, wow, that's it in a nutshell, let's bow and pray. So Father God, we thank you so much for this great love chapter in 1 Corinthians 13. We thank you Lord for the way in which it unpacks the specific outline for what it means to be in a loving relationship. Lord, we want to increase the level of love we experience in this church. Thank you for the love we do share already. We want to increasingly express that love to our wider community. Even in those areas where it's tough to say I love you, we want to keep on saying it, expressing it, living it out. Lord, move among us this morning and give us the faith and courage to be very relaxed and open in the way we express our feelings, particularly among those who need us, those who are depending on us to be strong and loving and caring within family circles and within groups and within various areas of our ministry. Lord, give us the strength and power through your Holy Spirit to do that through Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen. But before we close, friends, I want to briefly touch on one other aspect of this theme and it's a very important one, one other aspect. Here it is. Sometimes it's hard to say I love you when the person we're addressing is ourselves. Sometimes it's hard to say I love you when the person we're addressing is ourselves. When we're looking in the mirror and on occasion Jesus was asked, which is the greatest commandment? Which is the one that sort of encapsulates everything about our relationship to God and their relationship to each other? What's the number one, Jesus? And we know what he said. We know what he said. Love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. Love your neighbor as you love yourself. Friends, you know, the church hasn't done as you love yourself very well over the years. We haven't done that too well. Love your neighbor. You love yourself, you know, like we haven't sort of really unpack that one very, very well. We've overemphasized that the gravity of man, the sinfulness and the shame of man used to come through our hymns very strongly, leaving many people with acute feelings of unworthiness and low self-esteem. And that's not a good foundation for the expression of love. And again, I'm no psychologist, but I know that's not a good foundation for the expression of love. Because if I feel unloved, if I feel unworthy, if I feel unlovely, I'm going to find it hard to express love because I'm going to find, I'm going to feel there's nothing in the tank. There's nothing to give. And then I'll try to reduce the sense of confidence that others may have in themselves to bring them back to a level I can better handle. And that introduces a very, very sad cycle of emotional behavior. That's a good note on which to conclude this theory, by the way. That's a good note. Because having a positive self-esteem makes these five things easier to say. Things were operating out of a position of personal strength and security. And that position of strength and security is directly related to our identity in Christ. And our identity in Christ is born out of the belief that he loves us unconditionally. He chose us. He died for us. He invites us to live with him. And to work with him and to serve with him, friends walk closely with him. Stay in fellowship with him, stay in the words, stay in prayer, get connected. And then you'll find it is easier to say, "I love you." It is also easier to say, "I was wrong. I need help. I disagree. I forgive you." It's easier to say all those things when we feel safe and secure in the knowledge that we are loved by him and nothing can ever separate us from that love. Wow. That's it. In a nutshell, let's bow and pray. So Father God, we thank you so much for this great love chapter in 1 Corinthians 13. We thank you Lord for the way in which it unpacks the specific outline for what it means to be in a loving relationship. Lord, we want to increase the level of love we experience in this church. Thank you for the love we do share already. We want to increasingly express that love to our wider community, even in those areas where it's tough to say, "I love you." We want to keep on saying it, expressing it, living it out. Lord, move among us this morning and give us the faith and courage to be very relaxed and open in the way we express our feelings, particularly among those who need us, those who are depending on us to be strong and loving and caring within family circles and within groups and within various areas of our ministry. Lord, give us the strength and power through your Holy Spirit to do that through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. Amen.