Northside Church - Sydney
5 Things We Find Hard To Say Week 3: I Disagree
You're listening to another great message from Northside Community Church. Well, here's a scenario. You get introduced to four new people, they're friends of a friend, and you're having coffee. And these people strike you as being pretty assertive people, they're pretty confident. And you're not sort of intimidated, but you're a little overwhelmed. And then the subject comes up, carbon tax. And lo and behold, you find that all four are really in favour, and you're not. Now I'll grant you, if the stats are right, to find four people in the one place who in favour is probably unlikely, but let's ask this scenario, okay? And you're not. Now, what kind of person are you? Are you the kind of person who could confidently say, "You know what? I disagree." No, I've got a point to make here. Or would you be inclined to give the impression you're in agreement, just to sort of keep the peace? I mean, you're meeting these people for the first time. You see, some people find I disagree hard to say for fear of a negative reaction. Of course, it could be you're the kind of person who, under these circumstances I've just described, would weigh in with a full on, a really full on almost aggressive approach and get this group of strangers really fired up. Let's face it, while some find I disagree hard out of a fear of a negative reaction, just find it hard to say without receiving a negative reaction, without lighting people up in an offensive and reactionary kind of way. Under these circumstances, tempers are likely to rise and emotions are likely to be really stirred up if people don't make the appropriate choices in how they get their point across thing. Well, look at two extremes. On the one hand, people who would say, "Oh, yeah, that's a good idea," and you don't really believe it. On the other hand, they say, "What do you mean come and take? Let me tell you a few things." So we've got the two extremes. Clearly, we are aiming for something very much in the middle to still be able to say I disagree, but to do so without giving offense. Probably most of us in this auditorium this morning, irrespective of personality type, we can have certain hot buttons pressed when we sort of flare up in a negative way. We can probably all cite moments when we did and said things that we kind of regret and we'd rather forget. Of course, for some people, for some people, aggression and raise voices is the only way they know how to handle situations of conflict and disagreement. It's the only model they've got. For many years, almost 10 years, there was a popular TV show where virtually every episode revolved around the conflict that existed within this family. This show is still being shown on some of the newer TV channels called Everybody Loves Raymond. Happened to be one of my favorites. Here's a two-minute extract where Raymond is feeling very indignant that he's not making more decisions around the house. It seems like Deborah makes all the decisions and he'd like to make a few more. Take a look at this. Last week I sent you for a simple garden hose. You came home with that tiny thing. It's totally useless. What? That's a good hose. It's too late long. The water doesn't even reach the plants. You squirt it over there. Use your thumb. That's what people do. Well, just so you know, that hose is going back. Oh, that's it. Right there. What? That is how you get your way. Just so you know. Yeah. Yeah. Just so you know, Ray, we're getting the flowery drapes. Just so you know, Ray, I ordered the boring couch without the footrest. And Ray, we're going to move in across the street from your parents. Just so you know. Yeah. That's right. I remember saying no, no, in the name of all that is holy, no. But look where we are. Nice work. Sorry I'm coming on a little strong, but the truth has set me free. So you just want to make more decisions. Is that it? That's all I'm saying. No. What? What? You gave up the right to make decisions around here. When you stopped taking any responsibility, you don't help me at all. You can't even wash a dish. Maybe I washed a dish if I didn't have to look at those repulsive curtains. Fine. Fine. Fine. You be that way. But until you start helping out, I'm making all the decisions. Good night. But you can't do that. We're married. It's a two-way street. No, it's not. What do you mean, no, it's not. Marriage is a two-way street. You can't just make it all one-way street. Think of all the accidents you're causing. Not making any decisions. I'll make all the decisions I want. Maybe I'm deciding to sleep out here tonight. I already made that decision. I saw you now. Well, it's not if you can get a secular clip that has a Bible verse. The truth has set me free. So that was the gist of the case. Imagine living in those sort of conditions, raise voices, intense emotions, lots of blaming. Not a lot of maturity being demonstrated. Words being said, which almost certainly they will later regret. This is what James is referring to in our reading today when he says this. Just think how large a forest can be set on fire by a tiny flame. And the tongue is like a fire. Friends, when we put the spotlight on conflict resolution as we are today, we are raising one of the most important issues affecting us in our Christian lives. Nowhere in the Bible does it say don't get angry. Nowhere in the Bible does it say don't ever get mad. Nowhere in the Bible does it say never get stirred up on the contrary. There are many instances in the Bible where people got very angry, even our Lord Jesus Christ. There are people where instances where people get really fired up, but the Bible also contains specific teaching on how to manage our anger, how to control our anger. Now say this is one of the most important issues affecting us as Christians because destructive conflict, destructive conflict within the body of Christ can become one of the greatest barriers to ministry effectiveness. It can render a church way less than it's capable of becoming in terms of its ministry effectiveness. And in my lifetime, I've been a member of the Church of Christ, I'm a third generation Church of Christ member, been in many many churches as a member over the years. Only three as a senior pastor, but I have experienced the soul destroying heart-rending effects of deep-seated conflict, thankfully in none of the churches I've ministered in, although it started out that way in at least one of them. But as you know, I mentioned it last week, you know, fostering the fostering and the maintenance of a united and harmonious environment within a church, that is of prime importance to me. It's one of my core values in ministry because how can you communicate a message of love and peace and forgiveness if that's not being exhibited by the people doing the communication? I mean, the body of Christ is where the medium becomes the message. And if there's incongruence there, that can only be explained in terms of hypocrisy and in sincerity. Now, within a church, you don't suddenly decide to have a policy on creative conflict. You don't decide in a church of Jesus Christ to suddenly declare yourself to be a church of unity and harmony. You just don't make those declarations. A church's eventual ability to say that, if it chooses to say that or if it chooses to emphasize that, that's born out of a sustained and consistent pattern of creative conflict over a period of time over many years where its members are learning and practicing Christ-like ways of saying, "I disagree." You don't just put that on the website. It's something that's just sort of like a statement that's born out of that reputation. That DNA is born out of a long period of time of consistency in this area. And to be real, to be authentic, it has to be over a period of years. And friends, let's face it, in the final analysis, it comes down to the individual members of the fellowship. You and I, and it comes down to how we interact with each other week by week, day by day. That's what it comes down to. As with most areas of human relations, how we handle conflict comes down to a matter of choice when we have a grievance, and I'm going to lay out some principles now, which apply first and foremost within the body of Christ, but you see how many of these apply in your home, in your office, among your friends, in your neighborhood. These are the principles, some of the principles for effective conflict resolution. When we have a grievance with a brother or a sister, a friend, a spouse, a colleague, do we agree on a time and place to talk it out, or do we try and catch the other person off guard, catch them in a moment of vulnerability, a moment of stress and pressure, when we may think they are less likely to offer resistance to our relentless badgering and, and complaining. Do we focus on the problem, or focus on the person? Now, this is important to bear in mind when we look at the, the moment when Jesus expressed anger, when he walked into the temple and he started to drive the money, changes out. There's no doubt he was angry. You can't get around that. No doubt he was saying, I disagree with what you were doing, but he was able to separate the action from the people involved in the action. He was able to distinguish between the, the problem itself and those who were caught up in that problem and to effectively resolve conflict, we need to be able to do the same. And that's not easy, but it's a, it's an important requirement for, for conflict resolution. In other situations of conflict, we can choose to honestly express our feelings or passively suppress our feelings, only to have them break out sometime, often when we least expect it, and often in an environment that's not really suitable and not really appropriate. I'm sure many of you have had that happen, if you're suppressing stuff all the time. We can search for a solution or find someone to blame. We can choose to listen, wait and learn or presume, assume and dominate. Notice these, these are all choices. In conflict situations, we all have decisions to make. We can choose to be open and available or be silent and superior. When problems arise, we can work them out or when problems arise, we can walk out. Now sometimes a graceful withdrawal is the best option, allowing for the parties to sort of cool down a little bit and wait for a time when we're all in a better space to do with the issues. But it's a decidedly unhealthy option to keep walking out of conflict situations, to keep walking away because nothing ever gets resolved. That's not an option in an ongoing way. Look at the writings of Paul. He's a great example. Paul, a significant percentage of Paul's writings to the fledgling churches of the first century, a significant percentage is Paul saying, "I disagree with what you're doing. I have a problem with what you're doing. I don't agree with what you're doing at all." It's a huge percentage of what he's writing in these letters in Galatians 1 verse 6. He says, "I'm surprised at you. In no time at all you're deserting the one who called you by his grace. What's he saying? I'm sensing some of you guys are moving off the pathway of being Christians. That's pretty heavy. I'm disagreeing with your action. I think you're being very unchristian. So he wasn't one to run away in the third chapter of the same book. He calls them foolish Galatians. Then, of course, in first Corinthians, that's almost a book entirely given over to rebukes and I disagree statements of one kind or another. In the fifth chapter, he addresses a series of moral issues. In the sixth chapter, he rebukes them over the fact that they're all suing each other. In the 11th chapter, he criticizes their approach to the Lord's Supper. And in his own personal life, Paul had disagreements with Peter, with Barnabas. They're well documented. In other words, his consistent pattern was to work things out not to walk away, not to run away. After all, it was Paul who wrote to the Ephesian churches words which are so vital in our understanding of how we should operate when faced with potentially divisive situations. He says this in Ephesians 4, 15, "By speaking the truth in a spirit of love, we must grow up in every way to Christ." In other words, the longer we journey with Jesus, the more we're meant to exhibit Christ-like qualities and characteristics in how we deal with people, especially in this area of conflict resolution. Now, John Maxwell is a guy, he's a famous American author and speaker. He was here in Sydney a few weeks ago for Hillsong. And John Maxwell reckons that there are three types of people who respond to this Ephesians 4 passage in three distinctly different ways. He says there are the Hiders. They don't share the truth. They tend to hide behind their insecurities and their fears. He says then there are the Herlers. And they share the truth but not in love. They tend to hurl their preconceived ideas and convictions around the place without any thought for the feelings and the sensitivities of others. They're either not heard or they're chosen to ignore the old saying, "Take care. Feelings are everywhere. Everybody's got feelings. You've got to be careful how you handle those feelings." And then Maxwell says there are the Heers. And they share the truth in love. They quickly become aware of points of conflict within the circles in which they move. They've always got their antennae up for conflict. They don't rush into early. That's a big mistake you can make in conflict resolution, try to come in too quickly. But they work diligently, consistently at resolving conflict. Their aim is to safeguard people's dignity. That's very important. To let people save face and not grind their mistakes into the dust, try not to offend. They choose carefully the words they use. They claim their own feelings. Look, I feel there's a problem here. It's not, you know, what have you done? All these kind of things, which a number of many of us are familiar with. These people, these Heers, don't claim to get right 100% of the time. Of course not. But their aim is to bring healing to situations that might otherwise lead to deep hurt and harm. There are no prizes for guessing the kind of people we're trying to develop more of here at Northside. And in any church that's trying to be true, that they're calling in Jesus Christ. The friends in closing, I want to highlight two verses from this reading in James that are absolutely essential, absolutely essential in our consideration of conflict resolution. In the third chapter here, read to us by Ronnie, and they're verses 11 and 12. Look at this. Very powerful. No spring of water pours out sweet water and bitter water from the same opening. Our fig tree cannot bear olives. A great vine cannot bear figs. Now, I've said all along that this series is about how we relate to each other, yes. But at a deeper level, it's about our relationship with God through Christ. It's about the extent to which we are reflecting the light, the life, the love of Jesus in the way we say these five things that I've identified as being hard things to say. See Galatians 5 is not in there by accident, I mean the fruit of the spirit, love, joy, peace, kindness, patience, like comes to point in our Christian journey, you just can't keep saying, well, that's not me, you know, there's not why that way. You know, like the Bible says that's how that's what we're aiming for, having been renewed by Jesus Christ in a process of progressive transformation. That's where we're heading. Galatians 5, none of us get there this side of heaven. But we are looking for what they call an industry, you know, continual improvement, quality control. The fruit we produce is a direct result of the vine we're grafted into. That's the teaching of the Bible. And when we're connected, I mean we're connected to the plant from which we draw our nourishment, Jesus said, I am the vine, you are the branches. Friends, that's the deeper, that's the deeper level of this message on conflict resolution. It's not just about techniques, they help. It's not just about principles, they play a part. It's more about the extent to which we are drawing deeply on the spiritual resources of the vine, the extent to which we are recognising that we produce that which is growing in us. What does James say, you know, a fig tree can't bear olives, a grapevine can't bear figs. We produce, through here, what's growing inside, how's your spiritual growth this morning, how's my spiritual growth, how's your being grafted into the vine, how's your fruit production today, it's challenging, that that's where we need the Holy Spirit, that's where we need God to do it. Stay close to Jesus Christ, get into the Word, get into prayer. If you've got issues in this area, you can be helped. Not only in terms of the techniques, but also in terms of the regenerative power of Jesus Christ, that's our message here at Northside, it's beyond prayer, shall we?