Northside Church - Sydney
5 Things We Find Hard To Say Week 1: I Was Wrong
You're listening to another great message from Northside Community Church. Well, from my point of view, it's the biggest scandal to ever hit the church in my lifetime. Maybe a couple that were close to it. It involved sex, it involved lies, not sure if it involved videotapes, possibly. It involved money, a lot of money. The minister at the centre of it was sentenced to 45 years imprisonment, later reduced to 8 years. I'm referring to the scandal of the 80s involving Jim Baker and his wife, Tammy Faye Baker. We're not going to get all the details, but he was sentenced to 45 years, served 8 years, and it was just a terrible blight on the Christian church and went around the world. If you're around in those days, it was pretty shocking and pretty hard to read and pretty hard to hear about. Well, upon release from prison in the early 90s, Jim Baker wrote a book and the book is entitled "I was wrong." And we'd have to say, very commendable, I guess, to the man who had fallen so far from grace was prepared to make that kind of admission in keeping with this series. It's difficult to say, "I was wrong." That's the title of his book. He took a whole book to say it. If you want a short of way of keeping apologies, Ken Blanchard, the man famous for his one-minute manager, he's released a book entitled "The One-Minute Apology." So if you want to kind of compress it there a little bit, well, go to Ken Blanchard. A man by the name of Robert Fulghum released a book some years ago, "Everything I Need to Know I Learn in Kindergarten." And his theory is that we get the basics of how we're supposed to live from a very early age, and it's built into us. It's part of our DNA. God builds into us, an understanding of what's right and what's wrong. And Robert Fulghum says, "When you're in the kindergarten playground, you say sorry when you hurt someone." That's basic, and that's supposed to follow us through all the years of our lives. Well, friends, there are many expressions of apology in the Bible, but one of the most powerful is the one contained in Psalm 51, read to us so beautifully just a moment ago by Loretta, Psalm 51, verse 3, here's David, "I recognize my faults. I am always conscious of my sins. I was wrong to do what I did." That's what he's saying. I was wrong. It's an omission of guilt. It's a confession before God. It's an apology to God, and if they ever got to read it, it was also an apology for the people directly affected by David's transgression. In this case, the parents and the family of a guy named Uriah. Also the parents and the family of a guy named, of a woman named Bathsiba. They would have been interested in this apology, I'm sure. They were the ones directly affected by the terrible thing David had done. Of course, if you're familiar with the story, let me give you a quick overview of that going into all the details. King David sees a lovely woman bathing on the rooftop, not far from his place. He says, "I'd like to get to know her a little better, a lot better, actually." And he arranged that and had a little liaison with her. She conceived. Now things are going to get a little complicated. He's married to a guy called Uriah who happens to be in his army. So he hatches a plan. We'll put Uriah on the front line, along with all the other brave troops. And then we'll throw them in the battle and we'll issue a signal. We'll give a signal that everybody is to withdraw at a certain point in the battle. We'll give that signal to everybody except Uriah. And he will be out there on the front line on his own, slashing away and then turning around and finding that everybody else is behind him. So he was cut down and killed and so that made things a little more cosy for David. So he thought that's the summary version of a very terrible chapter in his life. An ingenious plan, one which resulted in David's fulfilling his sexual desires but also resulting in a lot of pain and a lot of anguish for many, many people. Ultimately, under the strong conviction of God's Holy Spirit, David saw the gravity of his sin. He became ever mindful of it. He admitted unequivocally he had done wrong. And under the inspiration of the spirit, he penned a Psalm, Psalm 51, which expresses some of the most advanced theological thinking in the entire Old Testament, if not the Bible. Look at verses 10 to 12. We didn't read that far down, but let me give them to you. Create a pure heart in me, O God. And put a new and loyal spirit in me. Do not banish me from your presence. Do not take your Holy Spirit away from me. Interesting for those who think the Holy Spirit only came in Acts 2. Do not take your Holy Spirit away from me. Give me again the joy that comes from your salvation and make me willing to obey you. I was wrong, three words, but if expressed with heartfelt sincerity, those words can work miracles when it comes to reconciliation and harmony. Stephen Covey, now under many of you, the author of the seven habits of highly effective people. He's written a lot about apology. Look what he says. He takes a great deal of character strength to apologize quickly out of one's heart rather than out of pity. A person must have a deep sense of security in fundamental principles and values in order to genuinely apologize. Of course, the key word here is genuinely or genuine. Most of us can mouth the words. I apologize. I'm sorry. Look, I've apologized. Not what can I do. Most of us can say that fairly readily. We've all been on the receiving end of that sort of comment, which often doesn't carry a lot of weight, but it's said, well, okay, I apologize. You happy? That doesn't kind of ring all that, you know, true. And of course, not only have we been on the receiving end, but in our less effective moments, we've given out those sort of comments, those sort of half-baked apologies, usually with little impact. Over the years, I've spoken to people, many, many people, who would love to receive a genuine apology from an abusive father or mother. I've spoken to people who would love to hear an apology from an unfaithful partner, a rebellious son or daughter, a boss who relentlessly put them down and made them feel inferior. I've spoken to people who crave for an apology from someone who's grieved them deeply, who's let them down badly, who's upset them in a way they couldn't have imagined in their wildest dreams. It might be a relative, a friend, a colleague, a church member. I'm usually talking to these people in a pastoral setting where they are telling me about the emotional and spiritual struggle they have experienced, in some cases over a long period of time, because of the absence of that apology. That's when I and other Councillors get to talk to people like this. Although they may have heard the words, "I'm sorry, I apologize, I was wrong." But they yet to see much evidence, they yet to see much evidence that the apology is genuine and heartfelt, that's because there's more to an apology than simply saying, "I'm sorry." There's more to an apology than simply saying, "I was wrong." In fact, the authentic apology involves five essential components. Now, I'm not suggesting every apology necessarily requires all five. I'm not suggesting that. Some apologies are very minor. Now, you're bumping into somebody to get off the lift. Oh, I'm sorry. You don't have to go through all these five steps for that, or you forget to bring home a Snickers bar for one of your kids from the supermarket. "Where'd my Snickers bar?" I'm sorry, I forgot. We'll get it later on. There's no big deal there, or you order skim milk for a friend when you're getting coffee instead of soy milk, and I'm sorry. I mean, it's not a big deal, it's trivial stuff, but as the severity of the pain and the grief caused by our actions, as that grows, so does the need for more of these five components. That's the deal. The first of these components involves expressing regret. This is the baseline for any apology, and involves those three magic words, "I am sorry." In Jesus' parable of the prodigal son, that was one of the motivating factors with the son for his return to the father, a deep sense of regret. "Father, I have sinned against you, and I'm no longer worthy to be called your son." I regret doing that. I regret the hurt, I've caused you, but of course saying the words "I'm sorry" is relatively easy. We all do that many times every week, depending on how many times you upset people, I guess. But it's not that hard to say, "I'm sorry," but there's another essential component to the genuine apology, and it's this accepting responsibility. Oprah Winfrey surprised her international audience back in January 2006, when she opened her show with these words, "I made a mistake." She was apologizing for defending an author by the name of James Frey, who'd put a lot of untrue stuff into his memoirs, a book entitled "A Million Little Pieces," and she'd gone to great lengths to defend him, even though it was clear that he put a lot of falsehoods in this book. And her defense of this man alienated many of her supporters, and so she continued in this apology. She said, "By defending Mr. Frey, I left the impression that the truth does not matter. I am deeply sorry for that, because that's not what I believe." So, friends, by accepting responsibility for her actions, Oprah restored respect among many who had previously been offended by what she'd said. Accepting responsibility for our actions, it certainly adds weight to an apology, because it can mean we'll include words like, "I know what I did was wrong. I could try to excuse myself, but there is no excuse. Pure and simple, what I did was selfish and wrong." Or, it may mean saying something like, "I made a big mistake." At the time, I didn't think much about what I was doing, but looking back, that's a problem. I wish I'd thought more before I acted. What I did was wrong. Are there people from whom you would like to hear those words? Are there people now into you who would like to hear those words from you, from me? David, Psalm 51, look at verse 4, "I've sinned against you and done what you consider evil." He took responsibility. He took full, the full weight of responsibility. There's a third essential component, and it's making restitution. The dictionary describes restitution as giving something as an equivalent for what has been lost, damaged, or whatever. In his book, it's a great title, "Since nobody's perfect, how good is good enough?" That's a book by Andy Stanley, well-known American preacher. Andy Stanley says this, "A willingness to do something to try to make up for the pain I've caused you is evidence of a true apology. A voice inside of says, 'I ought to make amends for what I've done.'" It's interesting, anything counter with Zacchaeus, the little guy who wanted to see Jesus, one of the first guys we learn about in the Sunday school, that encounter had such an impact on Zacchaeus's life. It just totally changed him. He was transformed forever. He'd been ripping off taxes from his fellow Jewish countrymen in a very illegal way, and he was convicted that day when he met the son of God, Jesus Christ. And so what did he say? You know this story. He said, "Listen, if I've ripped off anybody, I'll give them back four times what I've taken from them." In any event, even if that becomes forward, I'll give away half of my fortune. Wow. Let's record in Luke 19, verse 8. I'm sorry. I was wrong. That's what he's saying. I want to make restitution. An appropriate question, when we feel the need, when God convicts us and we feel the need to make restitution, an appropriate question might be something like, "I know I've hurt you deeply, and I feel like I should do something to make up for the hurt I've caused. Can you give me a suggestion?" Sometimes we don't think about things from the other person's perspective, maybe because we think they're going to say, "Well, a trip to the Gold Coast would be good. Maybe I could forget about what you've done then." Maybe you're thinking about, "Gosh, sometimes it's just, look, I'd just love you to give me a simple apology and let's see some changes." To ask the question, what is needed in this area of restitution? It would be a very hardened person, indeed, who would not respond positively to a question like that. What can I do? If it's expressed with sincerity and in a very genuine heartfelt way, there's a fourth component, genuinely repenting, genuinely repenting. There's a world of difference. There's a world of difference between someone saying, "I'm sorry if how I act offends you. I don't mean to hurt you." Now, on the surface, that sounds like a pretty good apology. Let me say it again, "I'm sorry if how I act offends you. I don't mean to hurt you." There's a world of difference between that and this. I'm acting inappropriately and I can see it upsets you. I'll change my behavior. I'm acting inappropriately. I can see it upsets you. I'll change my behavior. There's a world of difference between the first one and that. Someone has said an apology informed is good, but an apology performed is better. To simply say, "I'd like to apologize," is no more a genuine apology than saying, "I'd like to lose weight," assuming you're going to start getting slimmer, like it needs action. Those sort of comments need action. They have to be backed by actions, acts to great passage of the Scriptures. Where Peter presents this riveting sermon that convicts the people that they've done seven weeks ago in crucifying Jesus Christ was wrong. It was just so wrong. They got the wrong man. They just totally got it wrong. He convicts them with such clarity and such power that at one point they say, as the Scriptures say, "Oh, but with one voice, what can we do? We know we've done wrong. What can we do?" What's the answer to Peter? Repent. Repent. Turn around and be baptized. Friends, time is against this, but look, the fifth essential component to a genuine apology is requesting forgiveness. Requesting forgiveness. It can take courage. It means swallowing pride. It's risky. There are no guarantees that the forgiveness will be forthcoming in the early stages. No guarantees. If the herd is deep enough, it may not be forthcoming quickly. But it's a step that indicates it's essential because it indicates that we are sincere in our desire to bring about reconciliation. It's a step that cements our desire to bring about reconciliation. It's one thing to ask for forgiveness. That's pretty hard. To ask for forgiveness is pretty hard. To say, "I forgive you," is even harder. That's even harder. Fortunately, that's week four in the series. You'll have to be here for that week. Well, there's more to an apology than simply saying, "I was wrong. I'm sorry." These may be some of the key words, but there needs to be action and genuine repentance if the apology is to have any sort of credibility. But friends, you know, as Christians, we are meant to have the edge. We're meant to have the edge when it comes to saying, "I'm sorry," and it's linked to God's insistence on us confessing our sins. I'm sure that's why God has asked us to do that. Can I remind you of the passage? First John, chapter 1, verse 9, look at this. If we confess our sins to God, say, "I'm wrong. I was wrong." If we confess our sins to God, he will keep his promise and do what is right. He will forgive us our sins and purify us from all our wrongdoing. So our ability to apologize is linked to our willingness to confess our sins to God. And our acceptance of God's forgiveness makes it easier to seek the forgiveness of others. I can imagine someone on Christian friend saying, "You mean, like, if you confess to the big guy, it's easier to confess to the mere mortals you're dealing with." It's partly it. If we're prepared to lay our lives open to the big guy, that strengthens the chances because it's building invulnerability. God, by the power of His Holy Spirit, is building in those qualities. I mentioned at the beginning, humility, vulnerability, transparency. He's building those into our DNA, and it's much easier to be really upfront with those around us. And then when we're on the receiving end of hurt and pain, it's easier to extend the forgiveness because thank you, God, for what you extend to me. People say, "What's the use of being a Christian? Why would you want to be a Christian? How can you not be a Christian unless you want to pay a 150 bucks a session for a psychiatrist to get all this into shape?" Even then, people don't have much success often. The gospel of Jesus Christ is the greatest tool in the world to help us fulfill who we are meant to be as people. You don't need us. Well, we work in hand-in-hand with psychologists and psychiatrists, of course, but the Word of God and the principles laid out in the Word of God, this is the key to us becoming all we are meant to become. We find some of these things hard to say. Through faith in Jesus Christ, they become a lot easier, and that's part of the journey of these next five weeks. Let's bow in prayer. [BLANK_AUDIO]