Into the Void
The Jabberwocky
"Hello, this is Annie Kay with another episode of Into the Void." Um, it's been like a rough time. It's been really difficult for me lately, and it's hard to admit that because I feel like... I think it feels sort of like I should be over the worst of it, of like, whatever has been going on, but I'm just not there yet. And, um, I've just been a really difficult time. Um, I'm supposed to go into the Brooklyn DA's office on this week, later this week, to discuss this, uh... a great case that I reported to the cops, and I think that's overwhelming. Um, I got in a fight with my psychiatrist, that's overwhelming. I think she felt really attacked by me, and she got angry and defensive and returned, which I understand, but, um... I just, it's been, like, really difficult in general. Um, like, it sort of feels like my therapy is not going anywhere helpful. Just feel kind of, like, alone with everything, and without much good help, which really sucks. Um, I've alienated so many people that used to be in my life, that feels really awful. Like, that makes me feel bad about myself. Even though I think some of that was, like, healthy choices that I made, in a sense, to alienate some of those people, because they just really weren't, um, capable of being supportive, or kind. Um, and, um, good news is I have a friend, my friend, Edward, is hanging out with me tonight, which is really nice, and he's upstate with me. He's upstairs watching a house of dragons, which, you know, surprises me, not what I would have thought Edward would be into, because I think of it as, like, a violent sex show, but, you know, whatever floats your boat, a lot of people love it. Not even be, like, a fair, because I haven't watched it at a crazy little bit. Um, I've been working on my writing, I don't know if it's good or bad, or terrible, or pointless, but I think it's moving along, hopefully it's moving in some direction, which is better than moving in no direction, which I guess is what I mean, it was standing still. Um, I'm mostly just really kind of isolated and lonely in my life, but I'm taking, like, whatever steps I can to try to rebuild things, and put things in place that are going to create, like, sense of community, and, like, try to make some friends, and I think I've actually been doing a really good job in that direction. And the problem, part of the problem for me is that I forget the friends that I have, which sounds kind of weird, I would imagine to some people, but, like, I forget, people are my friends, or that, oh, my God. It's my life when they're not, like, directly in front of me, so that's, I've got to at least remember that, that's helpful, that the feeling that there's no one in my life that nobody cares about me, it's an old feeling, and it's not really reflective of the present day, so as much as possible, I'd like to try to remind myself of that, that's important to remember. Just 'cause I feel like I don't have any friends, doesn't mean that actually the case, it's just a feeling, it's an old feeling, and I have been making friends, and Edward was, you know, Edward is, like, I don't know, he was on the first episode of this podcast, and I think I introduced him as this video, and I just meant it, I know. He's still sort of holds true, he's an extremely kind guy, really a good guy, so far, he might tell you to my friend, and the, uh, the niggas invited me to a friend of his, was having a party in Connecticut, so we hung out there, that was very nice, people were all really lovely, um, there were some hard moments for me, just 'cause it's like, like, being around people, being at a party, it's just all a reminder of, like, loss for me, and like, not being part of my own family anymore, but I think I'm starting to move past that a little bit, which is good, uh, just to like, at least a place of acceptance, so I'm like, kind of like, "Oh, they're well, then, let's just go on with it," um, which is, I think, what one has to do in life, so I've got to just get on with it, at this point. at this point. And accept that my family isn't who I thought my family, family members, individually and collectively, decided for people that I thought they were. And they don't care about me. They never, they never did. Because when you care about someone, you don't shut it off just because that person is having a good time. And you don't denigrate them. You don't need things worse for them. You land your support and love to them. That's, that's what I think. That's what I think ideally happens. And, you know, they torture me instead. So, my mom stood anyway. So did one of my cousins. So, I have to remember how they treated me when I went to them for help. Which was that they came their backs on me and supported my abuser and his enabler instead of me. Without even asking me what my story was or what I've been through. They didn't check on me nothing. So that's probably about as clear as shit can get, you know what I mean? That's who they are. So I got into dealing with it. And I'm, and I'm going about it as best I can, but it's hard and it's tiring. And, um, I got discouraged sometimes. And, um, I'm sort of seeing this guy who I really like. And, um, I'm hopeful that things work out with him. Kind of in love with him. Um, I said I wasn't going to talk about that again, but, you know, I have no self control. So here we are. I will see what happens with that too. But whatever happens, I'll be okay. Whatever happens, I'll be okay. Um, it's been a lovely experience, whatever else happens. So I should remember that. I had a lot of lovely experiences in my life. So I really, I just need to find my way back to like at least having some kind of connection to those experiences. Because that would help my general, I think, state of mind, if I could just connect more to my own experiences. That's what feels so lonely and awful, is that my memory is missing for so many things, I think. Um, so, and then it goes, um, on the basement, I'm working on my art. Um, the party was fun. Oh my god, I went to a party. I was sort of invited to a party. It was a lot of fun. A lot of this stuff wouldn't have happened if I was still in touch with my family. Somehow they just, like, stifle me. Um, they just don't let me, like, I don't know, they just don't let me be myself or shy and, like, they just need me to be a crazy person. I don't know. I don't know, they've been really unkind to me over an extended period of time, so that's who they are. Just kind of shitty people. Anyway, I think I'd like to eat something yummy because I'm kind of hungry. Um, I'm thankful for Edward. I love my life in a lot of ways. I feel so grateful for so many things. Trying to make it better, uh, and it's getting better, so it's a good process and it's taking time. So I thought I'd have a lot of patience. I'm grateful for my strength. I'm sorry, I wasn't part of her. Um, I think there's some real stuff that we should talk about, but, um, it's a big picture. Um, I'm very grateful to her, um, very special. And it really sucks when she's not, when she's not really present for my second, that's really hard for me. Uh, so I hope we can find a way for her to do that. Uh, I'm not a particular account, but nobody's perfect. She's a human being and I appreciate that. She probably got quite a lot on her plate, um, and I appreciate her making the time to see me and treat me. Um, 'cause it's just making my life a lot better and I'm quite grateful. So there we are. Um, anybody out there who's having a hard time, who's dealing with loss, um, because people have so much loss right now. A lot of people do, a lot of people, more loss than I do, that people have a lot of loss. I just want to say, hang on, take care of time, it'll get better with time. That's a line for measuring, but it's a good one, an accurate one. Hang on, uh, all is not lost. Um, there's, there's beauty and love and affection and kindness out in the world. I know maybe it seems like there's not these days, but there is, there's good people out there. Find your people, find the good people, and the loving kind people. Um, and hang on, hang on through the tough spots, it's worth it. Uh, hang on, don't give up on yourself. If you don't give up on yourself, there's hope. If you don't give up on yourself and you hang on, I think things get better eventually, I think they just sort of have to. Um, you'll get back, you'll get back to your life. If you lost a parent or a child or a sibling or a best friend, hang on. Um, and if somebody hurt you, I'm gonna hurt you, I'm sorry. But you hang on, because um, it's not who you are, it's just something that happens to you. It doesn't define you, but it's just something that happens and it's not your fault. Um, yeah, that is actually really hard to take in, it's not your fault. Somebody hurt you, it's not your fault. Um, so thank you so much if anybody was listening. Um, thank you, you know, like, whatever. There it is out there, watching over me, thank you, thank you, thank you for your generosity with me, thank you. And um, hang on, if you're out there, hang on, if you're having a hard time, if you're not having a hard time, or if you are, but you have the, you still have the bandwidth or the flexibility or strength to reach out to somebody else in a loving life. Okay, who you see is struggling, do that, it's gonna feed your soul, it's gonna help them, but it's gonna help you too. Um, just send and love out into the universe, thanks so much for listening, this has been Annie Kay into The Boy, good night.