In which Annie makes it to her comedy set at a NYC comedy club, tries to communicate honestly with her mom, and finds a little grace.
Into the Void
New Talent Sunday
Hello, and welcome to another episode of Into the Void. This is your host, Annie Kay, with the Wonderpup Cookie at her side, and Mr. Ball is also here, who is Cookie's faithful friend, is Mr. Ball, who she holds in her mouth a lot of her time, and is holding in her mouth right now. We may need to ask Cookie to rest somewhere else so that we can tape quietly. Cookie, what do you think? Cookie? Okay, Cookie is going to quiet down. I thought it would be a good day to tape an episode, and I used to tape in the evenings mostly, so I think it's... I'm just taking note that it's not the evening, and today happens to be Sunday, July 14th, 2024. I've got a lot of my mind, and I realized that one of the reasons I liked taping this podcast in the first place was that... was really that it was a way for me to communicate with my various selves, and so for those of you who may not be familiar, who may not have listened to all of the episodes, when I talk about various selves, I'm talking about dissociative parts of my identity, which is part of a dissociative disorder that I have. And it's not so different from other people in some ways, and then in some ways, I guess it is different. I don't really know, because it's just how I've always been, so I don't know what life is like or what the world is like for folks who don't have this disorder or condition. I don't like to think about it as a disorder, that's why I just said condition. It's just sort of being wired differently, that's what I think of, like neurodivergent kind of, even though it's classified as a psychiatric illness, so... Anyway, nomenclature aside, I'm supposed to do a graduation show tonight for a stand-up comedy class that I've taken, and I'm really not feeling it, is the long and short of it. I'm not feeling it, but I'm going to push forward and I'm going to do it anyway, because that's the right thing to do. Even though I don't technically have to perform, I mean... So, I'm going to do the best job I can, I've gone over my set, I've gone over other materials, listening to other comedians. And maybe I'll get back in a better headspace for a comedy closer to the show itself, which isn't until the evening. Well, now it's the evening, well it's past the evening, because it's 12.26 a.m. so it's the morning time. And I did do the show and it went. I think it went okay, I never know exactly what happened on stage, but for me the special thing that happened tonight was afterwards when it went to the Jake Saloon next to the club to get drinks with people, although I just ordered food in a soda, because I'm not a big drinker. Not that I wasn't, I smoke some weed, but I need to be fully honest with people, but why not? It's legal, it's recreational, New York City. And just was like so nice, sitting with like a few kids from class, kids, I mean adults, like one of them, one of these men was in the 70s, I just don't know why I'm calling them kids, but sitting with some folks from class in a booth and like we all got snacks and none of them were drinking either and it was just like super nice and like people said the nicest things to me, kind of things, most thoughtful things, like that I was the heart of the class and like all this stuff that just really touched me and made me feel so good. And that for me was like the real gift of tonight, was so glad I went and that I did the best job I could do, and it's actually like a really lovely experience. And so I'm really grateful for that. And what else is going on? And now I think my mind is freed up a little bit to focus on some of the million other things that I need to focus on. And I think I'm making progress. It was a really rough weekend for whatever reason, but I think despite that, I did a lot of hard work this weekend in a lot of different areas of my life that I feel really good about. I made some really nice connections with people that I feel really good about and that's like I'm gonna say this mantra that my shrink gave me, which it's a little wacky, crazy for some of us who have lived like a life that's been an uphill battle in one way or another, but I love my life. I feel so fortunate and I love my life. And I wanted to just read some emails that I wrote to my mom but I'll take out any names. I'm just gonna read one actually. I wrote it to her tonight after the show. I said thanks for this, mom. I don't think you can really hear this, but it's not me. Your family let down the most. It's you. None of them really cared enough to help you see your way to doing the right thing. Instead, they got on your bandwagon and said without speaking to you or me that they supported you and my father because you'd been quote unquote good to them. Your sister's obsequiousness and falling in line ultimately caused you your relationship with me. I don't know how much that really impacts you, but I'd imagine it's taken a lot of meaning from your life. On my end, they gave me a gift of showing their true colors. They are who they are and I don't really like people like that. So it's freed me up in my life in a positive way. It's imprisoned you in your marriage and isolated you in your marriage and isolated you from me and from reality. And your sister has pushed you further in that direction instead of supporting a more thoughtful dialogue. It's them who create, it's they who created teams, not me, and it's not really oh. And then not letting, I don't know what this was meant to say. There's a sentence that doesn't make sense. And I said your sister's history with years of estate planning and legal moves to secure her husband's estate away from his biological children and her move. And they've passed that down through the generations to my cousins and then to his kids. Your sister's behavior in this way speaks for itself as does your younger sister's behavior. So older and younger sister of my mom's the middle. You're the one surrounded by yes men and toadies. People who care about you would tell you the hard truth or at least have a meaningful conversation about it. They'd want to support as much as possible healing helping you heal your riff with your kid. I'm editing it so it makes sense because it was not all. It was missing a couple words there. Instead both your sisters and all your nephews care to do was to drive us further and further apart. Like your younger sister's provocative text message to me about creeping around my house or all of your older sisters repeated so-called mistakes they drove the wedge in further. Neither one supported us mending fences because that doesn't pay for them. Literally that's not love mom. It's perverse and deeply sad and in the end you're the one who's lost everything as a result. Everything meaningful and so I just think it's like so sad to me that that's what's happened and that that's horrible. Anyway um trying to let it go. I'm not angry I just feel sad about it but I'm gonna just love my life because it's not my responsibility. You can't see if everyone I'm doing what I can to be. You know I'm doing what I can't there to be as kind as possible into the circumstances to my mother and I'm done with it. I'm moving on and this is like a new thing for me. I think I'm like turning some important corners and I'm so grateful to anybody who's tuned in to listen to some of this because it makes me feel good to think that maybe somebody else gets some solace who's going through something similar going through has gone through or that people just listen with a kind here as opposed to you know a different type of listener so I'm sure there's all kinds but I'm grateful for you out there if you're listening. I'm sending you a lot of love. This has been Annie Kay into The Void. Good night.